1 00:00:23,340 --> 00:00:26,220 APPLAUSE, CHEERING 2 00:00:32,180 --> 00:00:35,940 Well, a very, very, very, very good evening to you, ladies and gentlemen 3 00:00:36,260 --> 00:00:38,820 and welcome to QI, the BBC's answer to Pop Idol, 4 00:00:39,100 --> 00:00:40,620 otherwise known as Bone Idle. 5 00:00:40,940 --> 00:00:44,300 To educate, inform and entertain, these are my intentions, 6 00:00:44,620 --> 00:00:47,820 and paving the road to hell with them tonight are Rich Hall, 7 00:00:48,060 --> 00:00:50,540 Clive Anderson, Phill Jupitus 8 00:00:50,740 --> 00:00:52,380 and Alan Davies. 9 00:00:52,660 --> 00:00:55,380 APPLAUSE 10 00:00:55,780 --> 00:00:57,780 The four panellists of the Apocalypse. 11 00:00:58,060 --> 00:01:00,020 May the Lord Reith have mercy on your souls. 12 00:01:00,340 --> 00:01:02,220 Let's have a round on the buzzers and bells. 13 00:01:02,500 --> 00:01:04,460 Um...Rich, how do you sound? 14 00:01:04,660 --> 00:01:07,860 FIRST FEW NOTES OF BIG BEN 15 00:01:08,140 --> 00:01:09,380 And Clive goes... 16 00:01:09,660 --> 00:01:11,540 - NEXT FEW NOTES OF BIG BEN - Hey, wait a minute. 17 00:01:11,860 --> 00:01:13,860 LAUGHTER And Phill goes... 18 00:01:14,140 --> 00:01:17,420 NEXT FEW NOTES OF BIG BEN 19 00:01:17,620 --> 00:01:18,900 And Alan goes... 20 00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:21,380 CUCKOO CLOCK SOUNDS 21 00:01:21,580 --> 00:01:22,860 LAUGHTER 22 00:01:23,140 --> 00:01:24,420 Excellent. 23 00:01:24,700 --> 00:01:27,420 Right, gentlemen. Bombs away. 24 00:01:27,740 --> 00:01:32,220 Alan, have you heard about the Mexican kamikaze squadron? 25 00:01:32,500 --> 00:01:34,220 (IMITATES SPEEDY GONZALES) Kamikazes! Are they like that? 26 00:01:34,420 --> 00:01:35,900 That's right. Only Mexican. 27 00:01:36,220 --> 00:01:39,020 (FAKE ACCENT) I care not for myself, only my country. 28 00:01:39,220 --> 00:01:41,460 LAUGHTER 29 00:01:41,780 --> 00:01:43,500 Very good indeed. Very good indeed. 30 00:01:43,780 --> 00:01:45,980 - For the emperor! - LAUGHTER 31 00:01:46,180 --> 00:01:47,540 Andale, andale. 32 00:01:47,860 --> 00:01:50,820 I just imagine a bloke in a big hat riding a donkey into the Alamo. 33 00:01:51,100 --> 00:01:54,900 LAUGHTER That was... 34 00:01:55,180 --> 00:01:58,580 They eat so many refried beans, they fart themselves to death 35 00:01:58,900 --> 00:02:01,740 and they explode in front of the enemy. 36 00:02:02,060 --> 00:02:03,380 Well, it's an oddly interesting thought 37 00:02:03,660 --> 00:02:05,900 because kamikaze's the Japanese for "divine wind". 38 00:02:06,220 --> 00:02:08,780 - "Divine wind"? Really? - That's what it means, oddly enough. 39 00:02:09,100 --> 00:02:11,340 - Um...it is a Japanese word. - God's guffs. 40 00:02:11,620 --> 00:02:13,260 Yeah. But these... LAUGHTER 41 00:02:13,580 --> 00:02:16,980 - These little Mexican critters... - They're not people. 42 00:02:17,260 --> 00:02:18,500 Exactly. Not people. 43 00:02:18,820 --> 00:02:20,940 ..were deployed by the US Army in the Second World War 44 00:02:21,220 --> 00:02:22,460 against the Japanese. 45 00:02:22,700 --> 00:02:25,940 They're not like the dolphins they deployed in the war against Iraq? 46 00:02:26,140 --> 00:02:27,500 In the Gulf War? No, they're not. 47 00:02:27,820 --> 00:02:30,020 They let them out and then they pissed off. 48 00:02:30,340 --> 00:02:33,660 What they call the Mark 8 MMS - marine mammal system. 49 00:02:33,940 --> 00:02:36,780 What are the odds that the Iraqi Navy will be leaning out from a boat 50 00:02:37,060 --> 00:02:38,300 with a flaming hoop like that? 51 00:02:38,500 --> 00:02:40,020 LAUGHTER 52 00:02:42,460 --> 00:02:46,340 Hang on. But a critter is... would be some sort of a desert fox. 53 00:02:46,620 --> 00:02:47,940 No. Uh... LAUGHTER 54 00:02:48,220 --> 00:02:50,340 - Well... - (LAUGHS) 55 00:02:50,620 --> 00:02:52,500 - Very close, actually. - It's gotta be an insect, hasn't it? 56 00:02:52,860 --> 00:02:55,940 Uh...between an insect and a fox you might say. 57 00:02:56,220 --> 00:02:58,220 - Between an insect and a fox. - You might say. 58 00:02:58,500 --> 00:02:59,700 - In size or in... - It's kind of... 59 00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:02,700 In fact, it is more fox-like than insect-like, but it flies. 60 00:03:02,980 --> 00:03:04,340 - It's quite fox-like. - A bat. 61 00:03:04,620 --> 00:03:06,500 - A bat is the answer. - A Mexican bat. 62 00:03:06,780 --> 00:03:08,100 - A Mexican bat. - Oh! 63 00:03:08,380 --> 00:03:09,580 You're not gonna like this. It's horrible... 64 00:03:09,860 --> 00:03:11,380 How do you know that's Mexican without a sombrero? 65 00:03:11,660 --> 00:03:13,020 Well, it's actually... LAUGHTER 66 00:03:13,300 --> 00:03:15,900 It's the breed of the bat. It's a Mexican free-tailed bat. 67 00:03:16,180 --> 00:03:18,740 - I actually know the answer to this. - Do you? Give it to us, Phill. 68 00:03:19,020 --> 00:03:21,780 It's the...the American Navy, in their wisdom, 69 00:03:22,060 --> 00:03:25,860 because they say these bats would fly up under the eaves and nest, 70 00:03:26,140 --> 00:03:28,740 and they thought, "Well, if they see, out at sea, 71 00:03:28,940 --> 00:03:30,340 a Japanese aircraft carrier, 72 00:03:30,580 --> 00:03:32,940 or the hangars of the airplanes, they'll nest." 73 00:03:33,260 --> 00:03:36,500 - Oh, yeah. - And they filled 'em with explosives. 74 00:03:36,780 --> 00:03:38,060 - Right? - Yeah. 75 00:03:38,340 --> 00:03:39,620 - Yeah. - LAUGHTER 76 00:03:39,940 --> 00:03:41,820 But what would happen is is where they were sewed up 77 00:03:42,060 --> 00:03:43,420 the bats would go, "What's that?" 78 00:03:43,740 --> 00:03:45,260 And they'd start nibbling at themselves 79 00:03:45,580 --> 00:03:47,620 and exploding in an untoward fashion. 80 00:03:47,860 --> 00:03:49,140 LAUGHTER 81 00:03:49,380 --> 00:03:50,660 You're very close, Phill. 82 00:03:50,860 --> 00:03:52,740 It's not actually the navy and it's not boats. 83 00:03:53,020 --> 00:03:54,260 - Is it not? - It's... 84 00:03:54,540 --> 00:03:56,340 I'm very close in that I'm nowhere near at all. 85 00:03:56,620 --> 00:03:57,860 Well, no, you got the principle. 86 00:03:58,140 --> 00:04:01,620 In aeroplanes, hundreds of these bats with little waistcoasts... 87 00:04:01,900 --> 00:04:03,620 LAUGHTER I know it sounds absurd. 88 00:04:03,900 --> 00:04:06,460 They went there with napalm in them and a detonator 89 00:04:06,820 --> 00:04:09,980 and the idea was to drop them over Japanese towns round about dawn, 90 00:04:10,260 --> 00:04:12,740 so that as the light came, as all bats will, 91 00:04:13,060 --> 00:04:14,940 to escape the light they would go into the... 92 00:04:15,260 --> 00:04:18,060 As you say, the eaves and the rafters of the houses, 93 00:04:18,340 --> 00:04:21,420 and then, at a particular time, would detonate, 94 00:04:21,700 --> 00:04:23,380 causing these whole towns to burn 95 00:04:23,740 --> 00:04:25,940 because most Japanese towns were made of wood and paper. 96 00:04:26,260 --> 00:04:28,580 You've gotta set the napalm off, so they have to follow them out... 97 00:04:28,900 --> 00:04:31,700 Well, there is some sort of ignition device incorporated... 98 00:04:32,020 --> 00:04:33,540 - What do they... - Was it a book of matches? 99 00:04:33,820 --> 00:04:35,620 LAUGHTER 100 00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:37,460 The...um...they actually... 101 00:04:37,700 --> 00:04:39,300 ..there is a poetic justice, however. 102 00:04:40,660 --> 00:04:43,500 Sorry. You...as a friend of our furry creatures, 103 00:04:43,780 --> 00:04:46,620 you will be pleased to know that poetic justice prevailed 104 00:04:46,940 --> 00:04:49,820 and that before they ever used these bats against the Japanese, 105 00:04:50,140 --> 00:04:52,460 they were testing and the wind changed 106 00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:53,900 and the bats that had been dropped 107 00:04:54,220 --> 00:04:55,740 on a target little wooden city in the desert 108 00:04:56,020 --> 00:04:58,860 were blown back to the headquarters of the American Army and blew it up. 109 00:04:59,140 --> 00:05:01,500 - LAUGHTER - I don't find it poetic. 110 00:05:01,780 --> 00:05:04,100 - Do you not find it poetic? - Well, I'm American. 111 00:05:04,300 --> 00:05:06,900 LAUGHTER 112 00:05:07,220 --> 00:05:10,220 As I understand it, the kamikaze pilots... 113 00:05:10,540 --> 00:05:12,620 ..they only gave them enough fuel to go one way, right? 114 00:05:12,820 --> 00:05:13,620 Yes. 115 00:05:13,900 --> 00:05:15,540 They do that with all planes, though. 116 00:05:15,820 --> 00:05:19,340 LAUGHTER 117 00:05:19,660 --> 00:05:22,860 - Technically... - LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE 118 00:05:23,140 --> 00:05:26,140 So, technically, all airplanes are kamikaze planes. 119 00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:27,700 - Really. - LAUGHTER 120 00:05:27,980 --> 00:05:30,700 - Unless you buy a return ticket. - LAUGHTER 121 00:05:31,020 --> 00:05:33,900 This is why I think that planes should run on AA batteries. 122 00:05:34,180 --> 00:05:35,940 You wanna go to London and New York? All right. 123 00:05:36,220 --> 00:05:38,220 You have to buy 200 AA batteries. 124 00:05:38,500 --> 00:05:41,220 They only bring enough batteries to get you there. No wastage. 125 00:05:41,300 --> 00:05:42,780 You can always get them at the airport. 126 00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:44,500 - Yeah. - That's true. 127 00:05:44,780 --> 00:05:46,300 And then if you run out over the ocean 128 00:05:46,580 --> 00:05:47,740 somebody's got, like, a Walkman or something 129 00:05:48,020 --> 00:05:49,900 - you could get some more batteries... - LAUGHTER 130 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,660 But what if, under the plane, 131 00:05:51,980 --> 00:05:54,300 the bit of ribbon that you pull the batteries out with hasn't... 132 00:05:54,620 --> 00:05:56,380 - LAUGHTER - Where's that gone? 133 00:05:56,660 --> 00:05:59,140 And so you have to get the end of a biro and... 134 00:05:59,380 --> 00:06:01,300 LAUGHTER 135 00:06:01,580 --> 00:06:04,780 - You're hanging underneath a 747... - 35,000 feet. 136 00:06:05,060 --> 00:06:08,020 ..trying to dig out 32 AA batteries with a biro. 137 00:06:08,300 --> 00:06:12,260 Well, none of this is as mad as a bat with a napalm waistcoat. 138 00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:14,380 - Yes. - But it's like a step. 139 00:06:14,660 --> 00:06:16,180 Cos one minute they're trying to get little bats 140 00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:18,780 with little napalm to blow up, and then, "OK, that didn't work. 141 00:06:19,060 --> 00:06:21,700 An atomic bomb, then. We'll blow up two cities." 142 00:06:21,980 --> 00:06:23,340 - And that... - Clive, I'm glad you said that. 143 00:06:23,620 --> 00:06:26,140 That brings me to my next question, which I'm gonna address to Rich. 144 00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:30,220 Which comedian went and dropped an atomic bomb on Japan? 145 00:06:30,500 --> 00:06:34,260 That would mean, basically, which comedian bombed in Japan. 146 00:06:34,540 --> 00:06:36,580 - (LAUGHS) - And that would have been me. 147 00:06:36,780 --> 00:06:38,060 Did you bomb in Japan? 148 00:06:38,340 --> 00:06:40,980 I bombed so horribly in Japan that I... 149 00:06:41,260 --> 00:06:42,940 In front of an English-speaking audience? 150 00:06:43,220 --> 00:06:44,900 - No. Japanese-speaking audience. - LAUGHTER 151 00:06:45,140 --> 00:06:46,900 I think I've put my finger on what went wrong. 152 00:06:47,180 --> 00:06:49,340 - That had a lot to do with it. - LAUGHTER 153 00:06:49,620 --> 00:06:54,180 No. A comedian member of...what you might call a troupe of comedians. 154 00:06:54,500 --> 00:06:57,220 - One of the Stooges. - No. Better known than the Stooges. 155 00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:58,660 - Abbott and Costello. - Woo-woo-woo-woo! 156 00:06:58,940 --> 00:07:00,940 - Why, you knucklehead! - LAUGHTER 157 00:07:01,220 --> 00:07:02,500 You dropped that atomic bomb on Japan! 158 00:07:02,780 --> 00:07:04,660 Whadda do you wanna do that for? Why, I oughta... Oh! 159 00:07:04,940 --> 00:07:06,820 LAUGHTER 160 00:07:07,100 --> 00:07:09,540 They'd never have won the war if those blokes had had a plane. 161 00:07:09,860 --> 00:07:12,660 - Oliver Hardy. - No. This man didn't drop the bomb. 162 00:07:12,940 --> 00:07:14,260 He contributed materially to the technology 163 00:07:14,540 --> 00:07:15,940 behind the dropping of the bomb. 164 00:07:16,220 --> 00:07:17,940 Very specifically behind the dropping of the bomb. 165 00:07:18,180 --> 00:07:19,420 Well, he...he invented... 166 00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:21,300 everyone else was working on the nuclear explosion. 167 00:07:21,580 --> 00:07:23,980 He invented little doors that went...chi-chi-chi, chi-chi-chi. 168 00:07:24,260 --> 00:07:25,500 They were a particular clamp. 169 00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:30,300 There's a particular clamp that held the bomb to the aeroplane. 170 00:07:30,580 --> 00:07:31,780 - The Bob Hope... - The Crazy Gang. 171 00:07:32,020 --> 00:07:33,220 Marx Brothers. 172 00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:35,340 The best known of them all, the Marx Brothers. 173 00:07:35,660 --> 00:07:37,300 - Zeppo. Zeppelin-o. - That one there. 174 00:07:37,580 --> 00:07:39,300 The one with the ring round him. What's his name? 175 00:07:39,620 --> 00:07:41,020 - Karl. - No. 176 00:07:41,260 --> 00:07:42,820 LAUGHTER 177 00:07:43,100 --> 00:07:44,340 We've got, reading from left to right, 178 00:07:44,660 --> 00:07:46,980 Harpo and Groucho, and on the right-hand side there's Chico. 179 00:07:47,180 --> 00:07:49,180 - Zeppo. - Zeppo is the right answer. 180 00:07:49,460 --> 00:07:50,740 - The bomb door designer. - Zeppo Marx. 181 00:07:51,020 --> 00:07:53,940 And he joined after Gummo, also known as Who-o... 182 00:07:54,260 --> 00:07:56,460 LAUGHER ..left the stage act. 183 00:07:56,740 --> 00:07:59,020 He was in five of the films, the last one being Duck Soup, 184 00:07:59,300 --> 00:08:01,620 and he left to become an agent and to set up a company 185 00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:03,900 that specialised in engineering and design. 186 00:08:04,220 --> 00:08:05,700 - Called Blammo. - Uh...called... 187 00:08:06,020 --> 00:08:07,860 LAUGHTER It should have been called Blammo. 188 00:08:08,140 --> 00:08:10,500 And he came up with the clamp that help the bomb 189 00:08:10,780 --> 00:08:12,300 as well as a wristwatch he came up with 190 00:08:12,620 --> 00:08:14,260 that detected your pulse and gave an alarm 191 00:08:14,460 --> 00:08:15,900 when you were having a heart attack. 192 00:08:16,100 --> 00:08:17,740 LAUGHTER 193 00:08:18,020 --> 00:08:19,860 And...I mean, Groucho said he was a lousy actor 194 00:08:20,140 --> 00:08:21,900 and couldn't wait to get out of the Marx Brothers, 195 00:08:22,180 --> 00:08:24,180 but he also added, and everyone seems to be in agreement, 196 00:08:24,380 --> 00:08:25,860 that he was far and away, off-screen, 197 00:08:26,180 --> 00:08:27,820 the funniest and the wittiest of the Marx Brothers. 198 00:08:28,140 --> 00:08:31,820 Harpo could actually talk in real life. 199 00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:33,380 LAUGHTER No! 200 00:08:33,620 --> 00:08:37,340 - Oh, now you've shattered all my... - I read his autobiography. 201 00:08:37,620 --> 00:08:40,180 He spent the first 15 years of his life nicking stuff 202 00:08:40,420 --> 00:08:41,620 and he's really proud of it. 203 00:08:41,900 --> 00:08:44,220 They all did. They were gangsters in New York. Big hoodlums. 204 00:08:44,540 --> 00:08:47,180 The Three Stooges are flying planes and they're the Gangs of New York. 205 00:08:47,420 --> 00:08:49,180 The Gangs of New York. He's got the stovepipe hat. 206 00:08:49,460 --> 00:08:51,340 We're gonna kill you if you don't give me the money. 207 00:08:51,620 --> 00:08:53,140 LAUGHTER 208 00:08:53,420 --> 00:08:54,940 He had a long career as an after-dinner speaker 209 00:08:55,220 --> 00:08:57,140 later on, Harpo, cos he could just stand up and say, 210 00:08:57,380 --> 00:08:59,140 "Unaccustomed as I am..." and everyone fell about. 211 00:08:59,420 --> 00:09:00,660 LAUGHTER 212 00:09:00,940 --> 00:09:02,820 Lot of the early 20th-century gangs in New York were Jewish. 213 00:09:03,020 --> 00:09:04,300 Dutch Schultz, people like that, 214 00:09:04,580 --> 00:09:06,020 right up to Meyer Lansky and Bugsy Siegel. 215 00:09:06,260 --> 00:09:08,820 I think that a lot of the Scorsese oeuvre would be a lot nicer 216 00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:10,420 if people had horns and... (BEEPS HORN) 217 00:09:10,740 --> 00:09:12,740 - You know, De Niro... - LAUGHTER 218 00:09:12,980 --> 00:09:14,260 ..had had a funny hat. 219 00:09:14,540 --> 00:09:17,340 "Eh, Johnny, whats-a you gonna do?" (BEEPS HORN) 220 00:09:17,580 --> 00:09:19,180 LAUGHTER 221 00:09:19,460 --> 00:09:22,260 "You think I'm funny how? I'm gonna play this (BLEEP) harp over here." 222 00:09:22,460 --> 00:09:25,020 LAUGHTER 223 00:09:25,260 --> 00:09:27,580 "I amuse you?!" (BEEPS HORN) 224 00:09:27,820 --> 00:09:30,300 LAUGHTER 225 00:09:30,500 --> 00:09:31,780 Fantastic. 226 00:09:32,060 --> 00:09:34,060 Now, Phill, one for you, I think. 227 00:09:34,300 --> 00:09:35,900 What goes "woof, woof, boom"? 228 00:09:36,140 --> 00:09:37,380 A suicide corgi. 229 00:09:37,580 --> 00:09:39,660 LAUGHTER 230 00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:42,180 The next Norwegian entry for the Eurovision song contest. 231 00:09:42,380 --> 00:09:43,660 LAUGHTER 232 00:09:43,900 --> 00:09:45,820 # My heart goes woof, woof, boom. # 233 00:09:47,660 --> 00:09:49,020 Terrierist. 234 00:09:49,260 --> 00:09:52,500 LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE 235 00:09:52,700 --> 00:09:55,860 Oh, excellent. Joy upon joy. 236 00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:58,500 Very, very good. You must have some points for that. 237 00:09:58,700 --> 00:10:01,060 Excellent. No, you kind of said it... 238 00:10:01,340 --> 00:10:03,060 Well, we know how grotesque the Americans can be, 239 00:10:03,260 --> 00:10:05,260 sending bats into combat, 240 00:10:05,540 --> 00:10:08,500 and now...uh...the Russian flag, as you see, waving behind you. 241 00:10:08,780 --> 00:10:11,140 - (GASPS) Dog with a bomb in it? - And the Russians could be just... 242 00:10:11,420 --> 00:10:13,380 Dogs with bombs tied to them is what we're looking for. 243 00:10:13,660 --> 00:10:15,300 - (ALL EXCLAIM) - I know. It's... 244 00:10:15,620 --> 00:10:17,220 - Oh, man. - ..what man is capable of, isn't it? 245 00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:19,500 - (ALL EXCLAIM) - It's too grotesque. 246 00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:21,820 The story...the story is horrible. 247 00:10:22,100 --> 00:10:24,340 They trained them by making them very, very angry... 248 00:10:24,620 --> 00:10:26,340 Throw a stick at a tank and he'd just go. 249 00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:27,820 Well, no... LAUGHTER 250 00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:29,620 - (BARKS) - Do you know... 251 00:10:29,820 --> 00:10:31,140 LAUGHTER 252 00:10:31,460 --> 00:10:34,060 Why don't they just throw a bomb at the tank for God's sake? 253 00:10:34,340 --> 00:10:35,580 Instead of making the dog go... 254 00:10:35,860 --> 00:10:37,340 Because they're armour-plated and the point is 255 00:10:37,620 --> 00:10:39,300 they would keep the dogs very, very hungry 256 00:10:39,580 --> 00:10:43,540 and then put food under a tank, which is the vulnerable part, 257 00:10:43,820 --> 00:10:45,300 which you can't get a bomb at easily. 258 00:10:45,500 --> 00:10:46,780 Why not just put a bomb there? 259 00:10:47,060 --> 00:10:49,380 While you're putting the food down, why not just put a bomb there? 260 00:10:49,700 --> 00:10:50,860 LAUGHTER No, no. No, no. 261 00:10:51,140 --> 00:10:53,700 - This is in their training. - Oh, with the training. Sorry. 262 00:10:53,980 --> 00:10:56,220 So they become used to looking under tanks for food... 263 00:10:56,500 --> 00:10:57,700 - Oh, dear. - LAUGHTER 264 00:10:57,980 --> 00:10:59,260 I thought you meant on the battlefield. 265 00:10:59,540 --> 00:11:02,220 Whose job was it to change gear on that dog? 266 00:11:02,420 --> 00:11:04,740 LAUGHTER 267 00:11:05,060 --> 00:11:07,020 - That is the trigger... - That's the trigger for the bomb. 268 00:11:07,340 --> 00:11:09,060 - When he gets under the tank. - This is just... 269 00:11:09,380 --> 00:11:11,740 I bet you all eat sheep, though, don't you, on a Sunday. 270 00:11:12,020 --> 00:11:13,380 - No, no. - LAUGHTER 271 00:11:13,580 --> 00:11:16,660 Mmm. Lovely sheep. 272 00:11:16,940 --> 00:11:18,180 Don't worry. That one didn't blow up. 273 00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:21,620 - LAUGHTER - He lives on a farm now. 274 00:11:21,900 --> 00:11:23,980 - He lives on a farm now. - LAUGHTER 275 00:11:24,260 --> 00:11:27,420 - His back's broken, but... - LAUGHTER 276 00:11:27,700 --> 00:11:30,940 I...um...I have to tell you that there was, again, poetic justice. 277 00:11:31,220 --> 00:11:33,100 The dogs just turned round in the battle 278 00:11:33,380 --> 00:11:36,180 and saw the tanks which are Russian-shaped, 279 00:11:36,460 --> 00:11:39,460 which they recognised as having food under them, 280 00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:41,460 and so they went and blew up their own tanks. 281 00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:43,620 LAUGHTER 282 00:11:43,940 --> 00:11:45,780 So...uh...the Russians started to shoot all the dogs... 283 00:11:46,060 --> 00:11:47,740 They didn't shoot that one. They didn't shoot that one. 284 00:11:48,100 --> 00:11:50,620 He lives on a farm. They really love him. They stroke him a lot. 285 00:11:50,900 --> 00:11:52,140 LAUGHTER 286 00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:54,220 Anyway, onto our next picture question. 287 00:11:54,500 --> 00:11:57,260 Why is this picture a double first? 288 00:11:57,500 --> 00:11:59,940 Are they gonna use the penguin to blow up the Scotsman? 289 00:12:00,140 --> 00:12:02,460 LAUGHTER 290 00:12:02,660 --> 00:12:04,900 It's...it's a brilliant plan. 291 00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:08,260 The first time the pipes are played in Antarctica. 292 00:12:08,540 --> 00:12:09,780 Yes. It's probably the first time 293 00:12:10,100 --> 00:12:12,060 a penguin was ever subjected to any kind of music. 294 00:12:12,380 --> 00:12:14,340 That penguin, two seconds later, went like that... 295 00:12:14,540 --> 00:12:18,340 LAUGHTER 296 00:12:18,580 --> 00:12:21,340 APPLAUSE 297 00:12:23,060 --> 00:12:24,980 Is this the first ever Edinburgh festival? 298 00:12:25,220 --> 00:12:27,700 LAUGHTER 299 00:12:27,980 --> 00:12:33,100 - Would that it were. No. Did you... - (LAUGHS) 300 00:12:33,380 --> 00:12:35,380 Would that it were, Stephen Robinson. 301 00:12:35,660 --> 00:12:37,500 "Ah, would that it were. Would that it were." 302 00:12:37,700 --> 00:12:38,980 LAUGHTER 303 00:12:39,260 --> 00:12:42,580 (IMITATES ROBERT ROBINSON) LAUGHTER 304 00:12:42,740 --> 00:12:44,140 No...uh... 305 00:12:44,420 --> 00:12:47,140 "This one for mother and oldest son." 306 00:12:47,420 --> 00:12:49,020 "Did you know that..." 307 00:12:49,220 --> 00:12:53,020 ..uh...that 50% of pipers are... 308 00:12:53,340 --> 00:12:56,380 I don't mean news pipers, I mean bag pipers...um... 309 00:12:56,700 --> 00:13:00,460 50% of pipers suffer from repetitive strain injury 310 00:13:00,620 --> 00:13:03,580 and also are hard of hearing. 311 00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:06,100 - LAUGHTER - Well, that is poetic justice. 312 00:13:06,380 --> 00:13:09,420 That... Exactly! Very good. Excellent. 313 00:13:09,740 --> 00:13:12,340 Oh, how neat. APPLAUSE 314 00:13:12,620 --> 00:13:15,780 No, it's the first postcard ever to be sent from Antarctica. 315 00:13:16,100 --> 00:13:19,020 So, obviously you don't bring a lot of stuff to Antarctica. 316 00:13:19,220 --> 00:13:21,100 This guy had to drag his bag... 317 00:13:21,340 --> 00:13:22,620 What if they had hit a crevasse? 318 00:13:22,900 --> 00:13:26,340 Too much weight and it turned out it was just because he'd brought a... 319 00:13:26,660 --> 00:13:28,140 You never know. It might have saved his life. 320 00:13:28,460 --> 00:13:30,540 It might have caught in the crack and he'd swing from it. 321 00:13:30,740 --> 00:13:33,220 LAUGHTER 322 00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:35,940 That did come out oddly, but you know what I mean. 323 00:13:36,180 --> 00:13:40,420 Now, what is the common name of the species Ursus arctos? 324 00:13:40,700 --> 00:13:42,220 Ursus arctos. 325 00:13:42,500 --> 00:13:44,700 - Well, it's the polar bear, is it? - Polar bear, do you say? 326 00:13:45,020 --> 00:13:46,660 ALARM BLARES Oh, dear, dear, dear. 327 00:13:46,940 --> 00:13:49,060 - No, it's not the polar bear. - That was a bear trap. 328 00:13:49,340 --> 00:13:51,780 It was indeed a bear pit. A bear trap. 329 00:13:52,060 --> 00:13:55,620 No, no, no. No, the common name is... Two common names. 330 00:13:55,940 --> 00:13:57,820 If you're American there's one name, if you're European another. 331 00:13:58,100 --> 00:13:59,340 - Grizzly. - What's Ursus mean? 332 00:13:59,540 --> 00:14:01,420 Ursus is the Latin for bear 333 00:14:01,660 --> 00:14:04,740 and arctos is the Greek for bear. 334 00:14:05,060 --> 00:14:07,860 - Oh. So it's a bear bear... - It's a bear bear, yeah. 335 00:14:08,100 --> 00:14:10,020 What's a hair bear in Latin? 336 00:14:10,220 --> 00:14:11,860 LAUGHTER 337 00:14:12,180 --> 00:14:14,100 - We shall have to find out. - They were great, weren't they? 338 00:14:14,300 --> 00:14:15,700 The Hair Bear Bunch. 339 00:14:16,060 --> 00:14:18,220 You can join in at some level I find. 340 00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:22,140 LAUGHTER 341 00:14:22,340 --> 00:14:23,940 There's always a way in. 342 00:14:24,180 --> 00:14:26,820 - There's a grizzly. - That's a grizzly bear, yes. 343 00:14:27,020 --> 00:14:29,140 Ursus arctos, or the brown bear. 344 00:14:29,420 --> 00:14:31,380 The point is that the arctic itself... 345 00:14:31,700 --> 00:14:33,540 The Arctic, and therefore, of course, the Antarctic, 346 00:14:33,860 --> 00:14:35,860 is named after the bear, not the other way round. 347 00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:37,380 It was the region of the bear, 348 00:14:37,660 --> 00:14:39,420 where you see Ursa Major, the great bear. 349 00:14:39,740 --> 00:14:42,100 The constellation in the sky is always over the north. 350 00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:44,820 so the arctic's named after a bear, 351 00:14:45,100 --> 00:14:47,580 so the Antarctic is named after the ant and the bear. 352 00:14:47,900 --> 00:14:49,260 (LAUGHS) Yes, that's... LAUGHTER 353 00:14:49,580 --> 00:14:50,700 - Ant and Bear. - Why would that be? 354 00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:52,980 - The Adventures of Ant and Bear. - They're like Ant and Dec. 355 00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:54,420 Yes. Exactly. LAUGHTER 356 00:14:54,740 --> 00:14:56,460 Only easier to tell apart, obviously. 357 00:14:56,780 --> 00:14:59,220 LAUGHTER And I think easier to tolerate. 358 00:14:59,540 --> 00:15:01,180 - And... - LAUGHTER 359 00:15:01,460 --> 00:15:03,780 - APPLAUSE - Oh, Ant and Dec. 360 00:15:03,980 --> 00:15:05,700 I love their work. 361 00:15:06,020 --> 00:15:07,700 They won't come on the show now you've said that. 362 00:15:07,940 --> 00:15:10,020 Oh, bother. Bother, bother, bother. 363 00:15:10,340 --> 00:15:13,380 LAUGHTER How am I going to live with myself? 364 00:15:13,660 --> 00:15:15,340 - Uh... - No, they're good! 365 00:15:15,660 --> 00:15:17,740 Write them a letter. Antony and December you should... 366 00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:20,220 They could be walking up and down under here as we speak. 367 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:21,940 LAUGHTER 368 00:15:22,220 --> 00:15:24,700 - They're not... - Ant is always on the left. 369 00:15:24,980 --> 00:15:26,980 - Oh, is that how you can tell? - Always on the left. 370 00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:28,900 So reading from left to right they're in alphabetical order. 371 00:15:29,180 --> 00:15:30,900 - Ant and Dec. Ant and Dec. - Easy. 372 00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:33,820 And it's weird, even when you go around them and go from behind, 373 00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:36,940 they still... somehow it works. 374 00:15:37,340 --> 00:15:38,700 Like the eyes following you round the room. 375 00:15:38,980 --> 00:15:40,900 It's like the moon going with you up the M1. 376 00:15:41,180 --> 00:15:42,460 Ant and Dec always. 377 00:15:42,740 --> 00:15:45,660 No, the polar bear is actually Ursus maritimus, as if you cared. 378 00:15:45,980 --> 00:15:48,660 Um...how do polar bears disguise themselves? 379 00:15:48,900 --> 00:15:51,900 - Uh... - LAUGHTER 380 00:15:52,220 --> 00:15:54,020 They stand in front of anything white. 381 00:15:54,260 --> 00:15:56,740 That's probably the right answer I suspect, yeah. 382 00:15:57,020 --> 00:15:59,380 - What, do they dress up in something? - No, no. 383 00:15:59,660 --> 00:16:01,060 There is, apparently, a misconception 384 00:16:01,340 --> 00:16:04,060 that they cover their nose with their left paw 385 00:16:04,340 --> 00:16:07,300 in a sort of ostrich burying its head in the sand sort of way, 386 00:16:07,580 --> 00:16:08,980 thinking that it disguises themselves. 387 00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:12,220 Like that. Like our model. Our demonstrator is showing us now. 388 00:16:12,620 --> 00:16:14,620 - Where's Alan? Where's Alan gone? - Where's Alan gone? 389 00:16:14,940 --> 00:16:16,260 LAUGHTER Where has he gone? 390 00:16:16,540 --> 00:16:17,740 Are you sure they're not just checking 391 00:16:17,940 --> 00:16:19,180 whether they've got bad breath? 392 00:16:19,460 --> 00:16:20,820 LAUGHTER 393 00:16:21,140 --> 00:16:23,340 I don't understand, if you're a 12-foot, 800-pound bear, 394 00:16:23,620 --> 00:16:25,540 why you have to disguise yourself at all? 395 00:16:25,820 --> 00:16:28,540 - That's absolutely spot-on. - Bear tax. 396 00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:31,060 Who is... Bear tax? 397 00:16:31,260 --> 00:16:33,060 LAUGHTER 398 00:16:34,460 --> 00:16:36,700 - No bears here. - LAUGHTER 399 00:16:36,980 --> 00:16:38,260 Alan? I haven't seen him. 400 00:16:38,540 --> 00:16:39,820 LAUGHTER 401 00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:42,340 Or they stand in...like that 402 00:16:42,620 --> 00:16:45,180 and they put three bits of coal there and a carrot in their mouth. 403 00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:47,980 LAUGHTER 404 00:16:48,220 --> 00:16:50,100 Delicious. Now, there we are. 405 00:16:50,420 --> 00:16:53,460 This brings us neatly to our general ignorance round, 406 00:16:53,740 --> 00:16:56,300 in which we ask Alan is this a rhetorical question? 407 00:17:00,460 --> 00:17:01,860 No. 408 00:17:03,020 --> 00:17:05,340 Quite right. LAUGHTER 409 00:17:05,540 --> 00:17:06,820 So... 410 00:17:07,100 --> 00:17:08,660 LAUGHTER 411 00:17:08,940 --> 00:17:10,420 - Thinkers... - Oh! I hate those. 412 00:17:10,660 --> 00:17:11,900 LAUGHTER 413 00:17:13,180 --> 00:17:15,140 What's the point of rhetorical questions? 414 00:17:15,380 --> 00:17:17,340 Hey. LAUGHTER 415 00:17:17,540 --> 00:17:18,900 So, fingers on the buzzers. 416 00:17:19,220 --> 00:17:22,060 Uh...how many states are there in the United States of America? 417 00:17:22,340 --> 00:17:23,540 CUCKOO CLOCK SOUNDS Alan. 418 00:17:23,900 --> 00:17:25,260 - 50. - Oh, dear! 419 00:17:25,580 --> 00:17:28,420 ALARM BLARES Oh, dear, oh, dear. 420 00:17:28,700 --> 00:17:31,020 - It's 46, technically. - Oh. 421 00:17:31,220 --> 00:17:33,060 Because four of them are not states. 422 00:17:33,340 --> 00:17:34,900 - There they are. - Ah. 423 00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:37,300 That's Kentucky, Virginia, Pennsylvania and Massachusetts. 424 00:17:37,660 --> 00:17:39,700 - They're commonwealths. - They're commonwealths. Exactly. 425 00:17:40,020 --> 00:17:41,700 All four of them are actually commonwealths rather than states. 426 00:17:41,900 --> 00:17:43,180 What that constitutionally means... 427 00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:45,300 Is their governance any different from the other? 428 00:17:45,580 --> 00:17:47,980 Do they have governors and they have the same sort of... 429 00:17:48,260 --> 00:17:49,620 ..when conducting their business? 430 00:17:49,940 --> 00:17:52,300 There's so many straight lines. Isn't God odd, you know. 431 00:17:52,620 --> 00:17:54,780 LAUGHTER The odds against that... 432 00:17:55,100 --> 00:17:56,580 They've all got straight lines apart from one. 433 00:17:56,900 --> 00:17:59,220 Only one state in the US hasn't got a straight line in it. 434 00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:01,980 Oh, that's a good question. I should imagine that would be Hawaii. 435 00:18:02,300 --> 00:18:04,980 - It is. Well done. I knew you'd... - Oh. Oh. Well, there you are. 436 00:18:05,260 --> 00:18:07,540 No, it was just a guess. Anyway... Gosh, how interesting. 437 00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:09,100 Now... LAUGHTER 438 00:18:09,420 --> 00:18:12,340 ..staying with America, in the whole of the Second World War 439 00:18:12,540 --> 00:18:16,140 only six Americans were killed 440 00:18:16,340 --> 00:18:20,100 by enemy action on US soil, 441 00:18:20,420 --> 00:18:23,100 all of them at a church picnic, right? 442 00:18:23,420 --> 00:18:26,220 The cause of death was a Japanese Fugo, 443 00:18:26,420 --> 00:18:28,660 and my question is, what is a fugo? 444 00:18:28,940 --> 00:18:30,900 He's the seventh Marx Brother. 445 00:18:31,140 --> 00:18:33,220 LAUGHTER 446 00:18:33,500 --> 00:18:35,580 We were hoping you might say it was a poisonous fish, 447 00:18:35,900 --> 00:18:38,820 because there is a poisonous fish called a fugu, but it's not that. 448 00:18:39,020 --> 00:18:40,620 No, a fugo is a paper balloon. 449 00:18:40,940 --> 00:18:42,580 There were atomic bombs in one direction 450 00:18:42,860 --> 00:18:44,940 and then, "OK, let leash the paper balloons then!" 451 00:18:45,260 --> 00:18:47,620 LAUGHTER They sent thousands of them. 452 00:18:47,900 --> 00:18:49,980 - Over the Pacific... - With a bomb hanging off it? 453 00:18:50,180 --> 00:18:51,820 With bombs on them, yep. 454 00:18:52,100 --> 00:18:55,420 But the odds against them landing on a city in mainland United States 455 00:18:55,580 --> 00:18:56,940 are drastically against, 456 00:18:57,220 --> 00:18:58,540 because most of it's kind of wasteland. 457 00:18:58,820 --> 00:19:00,100 It's farmland to the west and desert... 458 00:19:00,500 --> 00:19:01,620 BELL TOLLS Whoops. Hello. 459 00:19:03,140 --> 00:19:04,860 - It's not wasteland. - Well, no, not... 460 00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:06,660 LAUGHTER 461 00:19:06,860 --> 00:19:08,940 No. All right, but the chances are 462 00:19:09,260 --> 00:19:12,340 that if you send a random balloon into mainland United States, 463 00:19:12,580 --> 00:19:13,860 the chance is more likely 464 00:19:14,140 --> 00:19:15,860 it will hit something which is not gonna kill people. 465 00:19:16,140 --> 00:19:17,340 It's a clever weapon, though, isn't it? 466 00:19:17,620 --> 00:19:19,180 Presumably because radar wouldn't detect it 467 00:19:19,460 --> 00:19:21,820 because only the little bits of metal in the bomb would be even... 468 00:19:22,100 --> 00:19:23,420 But the paper wouldn't show up on radar. 469 00:19:23,740 --> 00:19:26,580 Absolutely - it was made of a paper called washi, which is from mulberry. 470 00:19:26,860 --> 00:19:29,020 - Wahi! - Washi or wahi, if you prefer. 471 00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:31,860 - Balloon! - Very good. 472 00:19:32,140 --> 00:19:33,420 - Fugo... - (FAKE JAPANESE ACCENT) Baroon! 473 00:19:33,700 --> 00:19:34,900 Yeah. Fugo it's called. 474 00:19:35,180 --> 00:19:36,420 No good at... Can't do a Japanese... 475 00:19:36,700 --> 00:19:37,980 But they did know about the jet stream, 476 00:19:38,180 --> 00:19:39,460 which no-one else knew about, 477 00:19:39,740 --> 00:19:41,740 which allowed it to travel hundreds of miles an hour. 478 00:19:42,020 --> 00:19:43,340 But...actually, they were made by schoolgirls 479 00:19:43,700 --> 00:19:44,940 who didn't know what they were making. 480 00:19:45,260 --> 00:19:48,300 They stuck pasted... BELL TOLLS 481 00:19:48,620 --> 00:19:50,460 LAUGHTER 482 00:19:50,660 --> 00:19:52,380 Birmingham is a wasteland. 483 00:19:52,580 --> 00:19:54,660 LAUGHTER 484 00:19:54,900 --> 00:19:56,580 APPLAUSE Is that so? 485 00:19:57,740 --> 00:19:59,460 - Yeah. - That's in Alabama, I believe. 486 00:19:59,780 --> 00:20:02,700 - Is that right? - Yeah, Birmingham, Alabama. 487 00:20:03,020 --> 00:20:05,460 That's a wasteland. They should team up with each other. 488 00:20:05,780 --> 00:20:06,940 They should. LAUGHTER 489 00:20:07,220 --> 00:20:08,460 Anyway, those are fugo bombs, 490 00:20:08,780 --> 00:20:10,740 but fugu, which you neatly avoided the trap of... 491 00:20:10,980 --> 00:20:12,580 - It's blowfish... - Not that puffer fish thing. 492 00:20:12,860 --> 00:20:14,820 - It's the big one... - There's a bit in the middle that... 493 00:20:15,060 --> 00:20:19,060 Oh, yeah. Is it about six people a year die in Japan as... 494 00:20:19,340 --> 00:20:20,980 It's...yes... Actually, a bit more than that. 495 00:20:21,260 --> 00:20:23,220 Between 30 and 100 suffer from the poisoning 496 00:20:23,420 --> 00:20:24,700 and half of those die, 497 00:20:24,980 --> 00:20:26,860 so it's sort of anything between 15 and 50, I suppose. 498 00:20:27,140 --> 00:20:28,980 800 Americans die in a McDonald's every year. 499 00:20:30,300 --> 00:20:32,380 - Really? Wow. - Which one? 500 00:20:32,660 --> 00:20:34,500 LAUGHTER 501 00:20:34,740 --> 00:20:36,180 Best to avoid that one. 502 00:20:36,460 --> 00:20:38,380 He certainly will. (LAUGHS) 503 00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:41,140 - The Blowfish McMuffin. - LAUGHTER 504 00:20:41,420 --> 00:20:44,740 But you're right. This is a fish which has inner parts - organs - 505 00:20:45,020 --> 00:20:46,300 which are deadly poisonous. 506 00:20:46,580 --> 00:20:49,180 - They just love the daring of it. - Well, that's what I thought, Alan. 507 00:20:49,420 --> 00:20:50,700 But, actually, it turns out 508 00:20:50,980 --> 00:20:53,020 that, in fact, there are traces of the poison always left 509 00:20:53,300 --> 00:20:54,540 and if they're small enough... 510 00:20:54,860 --> 00:20:56,140 - Get you high. - You're quite right. 511 00:20:56,420 --> 00:20:58,980 It's tetrodotoxin, which is very, very poisonous. 512 00:20:59,180 --> 00:21:00,900 And you have to be specially trained 513 00:21:01,220 --> 00:21:03,100 in the art of filleting this particular fish, 514 00:21:03,380 --> 00:21:05,340 and all the restaurants in Japan where you can eat it 515 00:21:05,660 --> 00:21:07,860 have little lanterns hanging outside made of the skin of this fish 516 00:21:08,140 --> 00:21:09,980 with a little symbol to show that it's a trained... 517 00:21:10,220 --> 00:21:13,980 Part of the training is you have to eat the fish that you've just cut. 518 00:21:14,300 --> 00:21:15,460 - LAUGHTER - Have you had the fugu? 519 00:21:15,740 --> 00:21:17,060 No, I haven't. I've never been to Japan. 520 00:21:17,300 --> 00:21:18,820 You're so tall, you'd be like Godzilla. 521 00:21:19,100 --> 00:21:23,380 - They'd be... "Aiee! Stephen Fry-u!" - Mr Fly! Mr Fly! 522 00:21:23,660 --> 00:21:25,500 - LAUGHTER - Mr Fly! 523 00:21:25,820 --> 00:21:28,260 You'd be rampaging through downtown Tokyo. 524 00:21:28,460 --> 00:21:29,740 Baaaa! 525 00:21:29,940 --> 00:21:32,260 LAUGHTER 526 00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:33,900 Oh, a museum! 527 00:21:35,700 --> 00:21:38,300 Why is it that the Japanese... LAUGHTER 528 00:21:38,540 --> 00:21:41,140 It's always a 50/50 ball, isn't it, whether it's an R or an L, 529 00:21:41,340 --> 00:21:42,580 and they always get it wrong. 530 00:21:42,860 --> 00:21:45,500 I refuse to generalise about a race of people. 531 00:21:45,740 --> 00:21:47,980 LAUGHTER 532 00:21:48,260 --> 00:21:50,740 I heard Mike Myers do an American name, Rory Templeton, 533 00:21:51,020 --> 00:21:54,460 and he called him "Rorui Temperaton". 534 00:21:54,660 --> 00:21:56,060 LAUGHTER 535 00:21:56,380 --> 00:21:58,260 If you want the Japanese to sort of virtually commit suicide, 536 00:21:58,540 --> 00:22:00,220 just ask them to say orange tip fritillary. 537 00:22:00,420 --> 00:22:01,740 LAUGHTER 538 00:22:02,060 --> 00:22:05,140 "I will not do it! It's..." LAUGHTER 539 00:22:05,420 --> 00:22:07,380 (JAPANESE ACCENT) "For you, Mr Fry, the interview is over." 540 00:22:10,780 --> 00:22:12,660 "You build bridge now!" 541 00:22:12,860 --> 00:22:15,940 LAUGHTER 542 00:22:16,180 --> 00:22:18,260 "So much for the Geneva Convention!" 543 00:22:18,500 --> 00:22:21,140 LAUGHTER 544 00:22:21,380 --> 00:22:22,620 Um...oh, yes! 545 00:22:22,900 --> 00:22:25,620 They're all absolutely correct, yes, whatever the question was. 546 00:22:25,820 --> 00:22:27,980 LAUGHTER 547 00:22:28,220 --> 00:22:30,220 - Fugus. Fugus. That's right. - Fugus. 548 00:22:30,420 --> 00:22:31,660 Fugus and Fugos. 549 00:22:31,940 --> 00:22:35,100 Right. So, when are penguins found near the Magnetic North Pole? 550 00:22:36,820 --> 00:22:38,300 CUCKOO CLOCK SOUND Yeah? 551 00:22:38,540 --> 00:22:40,060 When they're wearing a suit of armour. 552 00:22:40,300 --> 00:22:42,100 LAUGHTER 553 00:22:42,300 --> 00:22:43,700 BELL TOLLS 554 00:22:43,980 --> 00:22:46,620 Uh...they're going to be soon because the... 555 00:22:46,900 --> 00:22:49,740 ..the magnetic north and south is going to switch any minute now. 556 00:22:50,020 --> 00:22:52,660 Oh, give the man five points! Absolutely spot-on. 557 00:22:52,860 --> 00:22:54,620 APPLAUSE 558 00:22:54,860 --> 00:22:56,260 The trap was to say, "Well, of course, 559 00:22:56,540 --> 00:22:57,740 penguins only live near the South Pole, 560 00:22:58,060 --> 00:22:59,340 so they'll never be near the North Pole," 561 00:22:59,620 --> 00:23:01,740 but the fact is the north and the south flip in magnetic... 562 00:23:02,060 --> 00:23:03,940 I think penguins might be my favourite animal. 563 00:23:04,220 --> 00:23:06,220 - They are wonderful. - I like the one on the bottom left. 564 00:23:06,460 --> 00:23:09,220 LAUGHTER 565 00:23:10,780 --> 00:23:13,980 - He looks like security. - He does, doesn't he? 566 00:23:14,300 --> 00:23:15,820 Um...yes, the actual root of the question, 567 00:23:16,100 --> 00:23:18,220 though penguins are, in so many ways, I suppose, more interesting, 568 00:23:18,500 --> 00:23:20,860 was that the North Pole becomes the South Pole and vice versa 569 00:23:21,060 --> 00:23:22,500 every million or so years. 570 00:23:22,780 --> 00:23:24,340 - The... - Really? 571 00:23:24,540 --> 00:23:25,980 So, any minute now, 572 00:23:26,300 --> 00:23:28,020 everyone's fridge magnets is just gonna fall on the floor? 573 00:23:28,220 --> 00:23:29,500 No. That's not... 574 00:23:29,780 --> 00:23:32,140 Loads of people start believing in bloody God again, won't they? 575 00:23:32,420 --> 00:23:33,740 No. That's not how fridge magnets work. 576 00:23:33,980 --> 00:23:35,220 What will happen is 577 00:23:35,540 --> 00:23:37,260 compasses will point to the south rather than the north. 578 00:23:37,540 --> 00:23:39,420 That'll be great for orienteering, won't it? 579 00:23:39,740 --> 00:23:41,460 I think people will get used to it quite quickly. 580 00:23:41,740 --> 00:23:42,980 - No, they won't. - I think they will. 581 00:23:43,220 --> 00:23:44,500 North, not south. 582 00:23:44,780 --> 00:23:47,180 I don't live in South London, I don't care what you say. 583 00:23:47,420 --> 00:23:49,140 LAUGHTER 584 00:23:49,460 --> 00:23:53,020 I believe you there. Oh, dear. APPLAUSE 585 00:23:53,300 --> 00:23:56,300 - Do we know why it happens? What's... - No. I don't think we do. 586 00:23:56,620 --> 00:23:58,940 - It's a very mysterious process. - Just somebody flicks a switch... 587 00:23:59,180 --> 00:24:00,420 If the earth were not magnetic, 588 00:24:00,700 --> 00:24:02,100 there would be no life on it, 589 00:24:02,420 --> 00:24:04,580 at least, certainly no life like us, because... 590 00:24:04,860 --> 00:24:06,100 - Oh, what a loss. - Yeah. 591 00:24:06,380 --> 00:24:09,300 The magnetism deflects the solar rays... 592 00:24:09,580 --> 00:24:11,140 I want you to imagine that the penguin 593 00:24:11,420 --> 00:24:14,900 is a malicious and dangerous conqueror of peoples, 594 00:24:15,140 --> 00:24:16,540 and now look at that picture. 595 00:24:16,820 --> 00:24:19,300 LAUGHTER 596 00:24:19,580 --> 00:24:20,980 I think it's...they don't have many predators. 597 00:24:21,260 --> 00:24:22,620 Obviously in the Antarctic they don't. 598 00:24:22,820 --> 00:24:24,100 Polar bears eat 'em. 599 00:24:24,380 --> 00:24:25,620 They don't live in the same continent. 600 00:24:25,860 --> 00:24:27,420 - Don't they? 00:24:29,980 The polar bear lives in the north and the penguins in the south? 602 00:24:30,260 --> 00:24:32,220 - They've never seen one another? - No. No. 603 00:24:32,500 --> 00:24:35,340 In my mind, they all... it's like lions and tigers. 604 00:24:35,660 --> 00:24:38,460 In my head they're all hanging out together and they've never met. 605 00:24:38,780 --> 00:24:40,060 But lions and tigers don't either. Yes, exactly. 606 00:24:40,340 --> 00:24:42,060 Lions, Africa. Tigers, Asia. 607 00:24:42,380 --> 00:24:44,100 Imagine if it was like that with men and women. 608 00:24:44,420 --> 00:24:46,620 - LAUGHTER - Here's a thought, right? 609 00:24:46,820 --> 00:24:48,660 Do you think it would be better 610 00:24:48,980 --> 00:24:51,780 if it was harder to conceive but easier to give birth? 611 00:24:53,420 --> 00:24:55,180 LAUGHTER 612 00:24:55,460 --> 00:24:57,820 If I was a woman, I would certainly think that, I should imagine. 613 00:24:58,100 --> 00:25:00,100 - I mean, who cooked that up? - It's pretty mean, isn't it? 614 00:25:00,380 --> 00:25:03,060 - It's all backwards, isn't it? - Yeah. You're right. 615 00:25:03,300 --> 00:25:06,940 Mind you, you wouldn't want to gasp in agony for 36 hours to conceive. 616 00:25:07,220 --> 00:25:09,540 (LAUGHS) Well, that's unusually what it sounds like. 617 00:25:09,780 --> 00:25:12,660 LAUGHTER Let's move on, then. 618 00:25:12,860 --> 00:25:14,380 What is wrong with this picture? 619 00:25:16,500 --> 00:25:17,860 BELL TOLLS Yes? 620 00:25:18,100 --> 00:25:19,380 No Starship Enterprise. 621 00:25:19,580 --> 00:25:21,060 LAUGHTER, CUCKOO CLOCK SOUNDS 622 00:25:21,260 --> 00:25:22,860 It should be the other way up. 623 00:25:23,140 --> 00:25:24,780 Yeah. Absolutely right. Have some points. Quite right. 624 00:25:25,100 --> 00:25:28,180 It's upside down, according to our, you know, usual convention 625 00:25:28,460 --> 00:25:30,420 of putting north at the top and south at the bottom. 626 00:25:30,740 --> 00:25:33,300 So in 200,000 years' time this is gonna be completely wrong, isn't it? 627 00:25:33,500 --> 00:25:35,700 It might, but at the moment its north pole's at the top 628 00:25:35,900 --> 00:25:37,260 and its south pole's at the bottom. 629 00:25:37,580 --> 00:25:38,820 What I meant was it should be vertical. 630 00:25:39,140 --> 00:25:41,700 Oh, I see. LAUGHTER 631 00:25:42,020 --> 00:25:45,340 - How very honest you are, Davies. - I can't help it. 632 00:25:45,620 --> 00:25:47,100 You can take those points off yourself. 633 00:25:47,300 --> 00:25:49,540 And lastly, on poles, 634 00:25:49,820 --> 00:25:52,380 how are Boy Scouts connected to poles? 635 00:25:52,580 --> 00:25:54,660 LAUGHTER 636 00:25:57,860 --> 00:25:59,580 Don't look at me like that... BELL TOLLS 637 00:25:59,860 --> 00:26:01,020 As part of their uniform 638 00:26:01,340 --> 00:26:03,460 they used to have a hat and a pole and a neckerchief 639 00:26:03,740 --> 00:26:04,980 and a special pole 640 00:26:05,300 --> 00:26:07,500 which was used for erecting their tents, for example. 641 00:26:07,780 --> 00:26:10,060 - Something to do with Poland. - It is to do with Poland. 642 00:26:10,340 --> 00:26:13,020 Um...name things that are particular about boy scouts. 643 00:26:13,300 --> 00:26:14,940 - Dib, dib, dib, dob, dob, dob. - That's one. 644 00:26:15,260 --> 00:26:17,860 - The salute. - The salute. Well, you've got there. 645 00:26:18,260 --> 00:26:20,340 It's very, very close to the Polish salute. 646 00:26:20,540 --> 00:26:22,060 Let's have a look at a Polish salute 647 00:26:22,340 --> 00:26:23,700 and a boy scout salute together, shall we? 648 00:26:23,900 --> 00:26:25,980 There you are. On your screens now. 649 00:26:26,180 --> 00:26:28,180 - Which one's the Pole? - Oh, let me think. 650 00:26:28,460 --> 00:26:30,220 Let me think. LAUGHTER 651 00:26:30,500 --> 00:26:32,460 - There's two fingers... - What a weedy, nerdy scout. 652 00:26:32,700 --> 00:26:34,380 It's the Milkybar Kid, I think, isn't it? 653 00:26:34,580 --> 00:26:37,020 - We need hard scouts. - LAUGHTER 654 00:26:37,220 --> 00:26:38,580 I loved the Boy Scouts. 655 00:26:38,780 --> 00:26:40,180 We went to 'Nam. 656 00:26:40,420 --> 00:26:42,100 LAUGHTER 657 00:26:45,740 --> 00:26:48,180 It's actually said to be an American invention, the boy scout movement, 658 00:26:48,380 --> 00:26:49,660 more than really British. 659 00:26:49,940 --> 00:26:52,020 Although it's said to be Baden-Powell by many, 660 00:26:52,300 --> 00:26:53,460 there was a man called Seton 661 00:26:53,780 --> 00:26:55,140 who founded a movement called the Woodcraft Indians. 662 00:26:55,340 --> 00:26:56,740 Did you go in a helicopter gunship? 663 00:26:56,940 --> 00:26:58,900 (IMITATES HELICOPTER) 664 00:26:59,180 --> 00:27:01,620 He had a little waistcoat with napalm strapped in. 665 00:27:01,940 --> 00:27:04,300 - LAUGHTER - With the Doors playing really loud. 666 00:27:04,580 --> 00:27:08,020 Now, boys, if you see anybody wearing black pajamas, 667 00:27:08,260 --> 00:27:09,540 you run towards them... 668 00:27:09,740 --> 00:27:11,020 LAUGHTER 669 00:27:11,300 --> 00:27:12,820 ..and you press that button there. 670 00:27:13,060 --> 00:27:14,980 Dib, dib, dib. 671 00:27:15,260 --> 00:27:17,980 - Kaboom! - LAUGHTER 672 00:27:18,260 --> 00:27:20,980 You got your woodcraft, you got your killing gooks... 673 00:27:21,220 --> 00:27:23,580 LAUGHTER 674 00:27:23,780 --> 00:27:26,980 You've got your napalm waistcoat too. 675 00:27:27,180 --> 00:27:28,500 Well, there you are. Yes. 676 00:27:28,700 --> 00:27:31,140 And Poles are the only army, I think, 677 00:27:31,460 --> 00:27:33,780 where they have that salute with two fingers, 678 00:27:34,100 --> 00:27:37,940 supposedly after some Polish war hero who had three fingers blown off. 679 00:27:38,220 --> 00:27:40,540 - Do I look Polish? - You look very Polish, yeah. 680 00:27:40,900 --> 00:27:43,380 - LAUGHTER - Oh! Do a Polish polar bear. 681 00:27:44,660 --> 00:27:46,660 Fantastic. Thank you. 682 00:27:46,940 --> 00:27:48,100 Well... LAUGHTER 683 00:27:48,460 --> 00:27:51,060 ..on that bombshell, that's it for another week I'm sorry to say. 684 00:27:51,260 --> 00:27:53,020 And the final scores are poles apart. 685 00:27:53,180 --> 00:27:55,180 Phill scored a piping hot 4. 686 00:27:55,540 --> 00:27:59,940 Rich barely scraped in ahead of Clive with 2 and 1 respectively, 687 00:28:00,220 --> 00:28:02,740 but Alan bombed with minus 4. 688 00:28:03,020 --> 00:28:05,820 APPLAUSE 689 00:28:10,940 --> 00:28:13,260 Two fingers to Alan and to you all. 690 00:28:13,460 --> 00:28:15,660 It's do widzenia. Goodnight. 691 00:28:15,860 --> 00:28:18,660 APPLAUSE 692 00:28:22,100 --> 00:28:24,940 Closed Captions by CSI 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net