1 00:00:24,380 --> 00:00:25,340 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:36,220 Yo ho, Great Britain! How're you doing? Good to be back. Whoo! 3 00:00:36,460 --> 00:00:37,740 Let me introduce the band! 4 00:00:37,980 --> 00:00:39,420 On lead guitar, Anneka Rice! 5 00:00:39,700 --> 00:00:41,660 BASS GUITAR 6 00:00:43,220 --> 00:00:45,140 And on sax, Bill Bailey! 7 00:00:45,340 --> 00:00:47,100 SAXOPHONE JAZZ TUNE 8 00:00:48,460 --> 00:00:50,820 And Sean Lock on drums! 9 00:00:51,060 --> 00:00:52,820 DRUM SEQUENCE 10 00:00:54,820 --> 00:00:57,300 And Alan Davies on the buses! 11 00:00:57,500 --> 00:00:58,940 DING! DING! 12 00:00:59,180 --> 00:01:00,380 Ah... 13 00:01:00,620 --> 00:01:02,340 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 14 00:01:02,620 --> 00:01:05,060 Alan is the conductor, of course. SOME LAUGHTER 15 00:01:05,260 --> 00:01:06,540 Right, there are only two rules. 16 00:01:06,820 --> 00:01:10,020 I give points for attitude and I take points away for platitude. 17 00:01:10,300 --> 00:01:11,540 So, let's get straight down to business. 18 00:01:11,820 --> 00:01:16,620 Question one - does the Pope eat beaver? 19 00:01:16,900 --> 00:01:19,020 LAUGHTER, DRUM SEQUENCE 20 00:01:19,300 --> 00:01:20,540 Sean Lock. 21 00:01:20,820 --> 00:01:22,980 - I would say yes. - You... The Pope does eat beaver. 22 00:01:23,260 --> 00:01:25,260 Yeah, because he's the Pope. He can have whatever he wants. 23 00:01:25,540 --> 00:01:27,860 He CAN have whatever he wants but can he, as a good Catholic, 24 00:01:28,180 --> 00:01:30,060 have whatever he wants, for example, on a Friday in Lent? 25 00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:31,940 SAXOPHONE JAZZ TUNE Yes. 26 00:01:32,140 --> 00:01:33,740 LAUGHTER 27 00:01:36,340 --> 00:01:38,660 - ALAN: I like that. That's good. - Mm? 28 00:01:38,940 --> 00:01:40,820 Yeah, if you want to do it again, do it again. 29 00:01:41,060 --> 00:01:42,500 SAXOPHONE JAZZ TUNE 30 00:01:42,820 --> 00:01:44,300 DRUM SEQUENCE 31 00:01:44,620 --> 00:01:46,100 BASS GUITAR 32 00:01:47,620 --> 00:01:49,140 DING! DING! 33 00:01:49,420 --> 00:01:51,140 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thank you. 34 00:01:51,460 --> 00:01:52,620 - Oh... - This is like... 35 00:01:54,660 --> 00:01:56,700 This is like the Early Learning Centre. 36 00:01:58,300 --> 00:01:59,700 But wasn't there a plan... 37 00:01:59,980 --> 00:02:02,660 Wasn't there a plan a few years ago to reintroduce beaver into Scotland? 38 00:02:02,860 --> 00:02:04,620 LAUGHTER 39 00:02:04,980 --> 00:02:06,260 - No, that was... - I didn't hear about that. 40 00:02:06,540 --> 00:02:07,740 - Yeah, but the Pope ate it. - Ah. 41 00:02:08,020 --> 00:02:10,820 - It's said to taste rather like beef, actually. - Yeah. 42 00:02:11,140 --> 00:02:13,380 They really are like little people's arms. 43 00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:15,620 - LAUGHTER - They are. 44 00:02:15,940 --> 00:02:17,660 I think that is a person. That's the Pope, there. 45 00:02:17,900 --> 00:02:19,460 - His hand... - LAUGHTER 46 00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:21,700 - I see, the one on the right! - Oh, you mean those... 47 00:02:21,940 --> 00:02:23,180 You're right, his front paws. 48 00:02:23,460 --> 00:02:24,740 Look at his... They are like little hands. 49 00:02:24,940 --> 00:02:26,220 They are, yeah. 50 00:02:26,500 --> 00:02:27,780 That's what the Pope's thinking. 51 00:02:28,140 --> 00:02:30,500 He's actually looking and going, "Yes, he's got little hands..." 52 00:02:30,700 --> 00:02:31,980 They've asked him... 53 00:02:32,220 --> 00:02:33,420 They said, "Are you ready to order?" 54 00:02:33,700 --> 00:02:35,660 and he's going, "Shall I have beaver...?" 55 00:02:35,900 --> 00:02:37,460 LAUGHTER 56 00:02:37,780 --> 00:02:39,180 Here we are, I mentioned Friday in Lent. 57 00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:41,900 What do Catholics not eat on Fridays in Lent? 58 00:02:42,140 --> 00:02:43,380 - Uh, meat. - Meat. 59 00:02:43,660 --> 00:02:46,700 Meat. Flesh, as in, animal flesh that isn't fish. 60 00:02:47,020 --> 00:02:48,180 - They eat fish. - They eat fish, yeah. 61 00:02:48,500 --> 00:02:52,100 And the Roman Catholic Church has designated beaver as a fish 62 00:02:52,420 --> 00:02:54,020 because it is scaly and lives in water. 63 00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:58,460 So, at all these little schools, primary schools all over Italy, 64 00:02:58,740 --> 00:03:01,100 they have beaver and chips and peas on a Friday? 65 00:03:01,420 --> 00:03:04,700 Probably more likely in American Catholic countries. 66 00:03:04,940 --> 00:03:07,100 The capybara, which is the largest rodent on Earth, 67 00:03:07,300 --> 00:03:09,020 which is a South American rodent - 68 00:03:09,260 --> 00:03:11,900 400 tonnes of it are eaten during Lent in Venezuela alone. 69 00:03:12,220 --> 00:03:15,180 Capybaras are likewise designated to be a fish. 70 00:03:15,420 --> 00:03:17,100 The Pope would, if he were to eat, 71 00:03:17,460 --> 00:03:19,620 he would probably eat them on a Friday in Lent, 72 00:03:19,860 --> 00:03:21,140 as he might a capybara. 73 00:03:21,460 --> 00:03:25,220 How would you suppose you might tell the sex of one beaver from another? 74 00:03:25,460 --> 00:03:27,020 - They're only male. - The male would have a penis. 75 00:03:27,220 --> 00:03:28,460 No, you have males and females. 76 00:03:28,780 --> 00:03:30,060 Well, yes, but it's quite hard to spot. 77 00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:31,740 - And a female would have a beaver! - Yes. 78 00:03:31,980 --> 00:03:33,540 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 79 00:03:36,460 --> 00:03:37,940 A tiny little beaver's beaver. 80 00:03:38,140 --> 00:03:39,740 LAUGHTER 81 00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:41,540 No, I want to talk about anal excretions. 82 00:03:41,740 --> 00:03:43,460 Now, I was just about to... 83 00:03:43,660 --> 00:03:45,140 I was about to bring that point up 84 00:03:45,460 --> 00:03:47,900 because in the, the anal scent glands 85 00:03:48,180 --> 00:03:49,700 - of the beaver... - Yes. 86 00:03:50,020 --> 00:03:51,740 - ..has secreted a... - Oh, please. 87 00:03:52,020 --> 00:03:54,780 ..a substance which is actually found in aspirin. 88 00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:57,180 You're absolutely right. I'm going to give you five points for that. 89 00:03:57,460 --> 00:03:58,700 - That's correct. - Thank you very much. 90 00:03:58,980 --> 00:04:00,540 - It's called castoreum. - APPLAUSE 91 00:04:02,860 --> 00:04:05,900 - It's been used as a medicine for hundreds of years. - Yes. 92 00:04:06,180 --> 00:04:07,340 - It's called castoreum. - Castoreum. 93 00:04:07,620 --> 00:04:09,860 As in castor, the beaver, and it contains salicylic acid, 94 00:04:10,180 --> 00:04:11,660 - as you rightly said. - If you've got a headache... 95 00:04:11,980 --> 00:04:13,340 - Yeah. - Rimming a beaver. 96 00:04:13,540 --> 00:04:14,820 Lick out a beaver! 97 00:04:15,060 --> 00:04:16,340 That's quite right. 98 00:04:16,660 --> 00:04:18,620 But so often, unfortunately, the beaver's got a headache anyway 99 00:04:18,820 --> 00:04:20,220 and won't let you do it. 100 00:04:20,500 --> 00:04:22,620 So they have to do it for themselves first. 101 00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:25,140 There's gotta be a plus side to rimming a beaver, hasn't there? 102 00:04:25,420 --> 00:04:26,620 LAUGHTER 103 00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:28,220 "Not tonight, darling. I've got a headache." 104 00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:29,660 - "Don't worry about that!" - "Don't worry..." 105 00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:33,060 My next question is, if aliens arrived on Earth 106 00:04:33,340 --> 00:04:36,380 to abduct our most successful inhabitant, where would they look? 107 00:04:37,900 --> 00:04:39,300 ALAN: Neverland. 108 00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:41,300 LAUGHTER, SOME APPLAUSE 109 00:04:45,420 --> 00:04:48,020 - Are they aliens? - I think that's the popular idea. 110 00:04:48,300 --> 00:04:49,980 How the hell did they get a shot of them? 111 00:04:50,260 --> 00:04:52,380 - Looks like an alien boy band. - That's Hubble for you. 112 00:04:52,620 --> 00:04:54,300 LAUGHTER 113 00:04:54,580 --> 00:04:56,180 Like alien YMCA. 114 00:04:57,780 --> 00:04:59,660 They would look and see which was the most successful 115 00:04:59,940 --> 00:05:01,260 - form of life on Earth. - Cockroaches. 116 00:05:01,580 --> 00:05:03,380 - Oh, ants. - Are you talking about the amount of awards? 117 00:05:03,660 --> 00:05:05,940 - Bacteria! - "Bacteria" is the right answer. 118 00:05:06,260 --> 00:05:07,460 - Bacteria. - by far. 119 00:05:07,780 --> 00:05:10,260 By any criterion by which you judge the success of life, 120 00:05:10,620 --> 00:05:14,340 bacteria win hands down in terms of profusion, diversity, 121 00:05:14,620 --> 00:05:16,220 ability to live under extraordinary conditions. 122 00:05:16,540 --> 00:05:17,700 Yeah, but nobody likes 'em, do they? 123 00:05:17,980 --> 00:05:19,500 Well, we wouldn't be alive without them. 124 00:05:19,780 --> 00:05:21,060 We entirely depend upon them. 125 00:05:21,340 --> 00:05:23,700 If chicken had no bacteria, it would be completely tasteless. 126 00:05:23,980 --> 00:05:26,460 It would not taste anything. That's true of almost all foods. 127 00:05:26,740 --> 00:05:27,900 - Cheese, of course. - Bacteria... 128 00:05:28,220 --> 00:05:29,900 There's only a very small number of bacteria are dangerous. 129 00:05:30,140 --> 00:05:32,300 If you were to take a gram a soil, 130 00:05:32,580 --> 00:05:36,500 there are 40,000 species of different bacteria in that one gram, 131 00:05:36,700 --> 00:05:37,980 let alone the amount there are. 132 00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:39,980 And each species is as different from each other 133 00:05:40,220 --> 00:05:43,140 as a rhinoceros is from...a primrose. 134 00:05:43,380 --> 00:05:44,580 I mean, they are amazing things. 135 00:05:44,900 --> 00:05:47,780 I want you to fall in love with, with the bacterium. 136 00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:50,580 They are just the most marvellous things conceivable. 137 00:05:50,860 --> 00:05:52,500 - Well, you've sold me! - They live in boiling acid. 138 00:05:52,780 --> 00:05:57,180 They live in ice, they live in nuclear, cooling water. 139 00:05:57,460 --> 00:05:58,980 I mean, they can live absolutely anywhere 140 00:05:59,260 --> 00:06:01,620 under 6,000 atmospheres of pressure. 141 00:06:01,900 --> 00:06:03,140 Where's their favourite place, though? 142 00:06:03,460 --> 00:06:04,740 Where do they really like to hang out? 143 00:06:05,020 --> 00:06:06,500 Human tummy. They love the human tummy. 144 00:06:06,780 --> 00:06:09,140 We reckon 75% of the bacteria in the tummy 145 00:06:09,460 --> 00:06:11,700 have not yet really been identified as separate species. 146 00:06:11,980 --> 00:06:13,220 They're fantastic. 147 00:06:13,420 --> 00:06:15,020 But they do exist all over the place. 148 00:06:15,220 --> 00:06:16,500 What about pygmies, though? 149 00:06:16,780 --> 00:06:18,740 Surely pygmies are more hardy, aren't they? 150 00:06:19,020 --> 00:06:20,220 LAUGHTER 151 00:06:20,500 --> 00:06:21,740 They can live anywhere in the world. 152 00:06:22,060 --> 00:06:24,540 Pygmies can live anywhere in the world? 153 00:06:24,700 --> 00:06:25,980 ..than bacteria. 154 00:06:26,340 --> 00:06:28,500 "Oh, bloody hell, I've gotta warm up on my bacteria gags!" 155 00:06:30,100 --> 00:06:31,620 So why do you say that pygmies are... 156 00:06:31,900 --> 00:06:33,380 Well, because you say "successful", 157 00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:35,940 you're imbuing them with some sort of human characteristics. 158 00:06:36,220 --> 00:06:38,580 No, I'm not. No, I mean "successful" purely, in purely Darwinian terms. 159 00:06:38,860 --> 00:06:40,100 - Ah. - So if you're a scientist... 160 00:06:40,340 --> 00:06:42,100 Are they all invisible to the naked eye 161 00:06:42,420 --> 00:06:44,220 or are there any, kind of, cat-sized... 162 00:06:44,460 --> 00:06:46,380 No, they're all teeny-weeny. 163 00:06:46,660 --> 00:06:48,860 To have one as a pet - a big, hairy bacteria. 164 00:06:49,180 --> 00:06:52,420 (LAUGHS) No, they look it, under the microscope, some of them, don't they? 165 00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:55,260 They have parthenogenic sex, as it were, amongst them. 166 00:06:55,580 --> 00:06:56,900 - Each to the other. - What sort of sex? 167 00:06:57,100 --> 00:06:58,380 Virgin birth, you know? 168 00:06:58,700 --> 00:07:00,780 They divide and split and divide and... 169 00:07:01,020 --> 00:07:02,260 Yes, like amoebas. 170 00:07:02,580 --> 00:07:03,780 ..reproduce their DNA, which is their life. 171 00:07:04,060 --> 00:07:06,140 "How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb?" 172 00:07:06,340 --> 00:07:07,580 "One. No, two. No, four. No, eight. 173 00:07:07,900 --> 00:07:10,940 No, 16, 32, 64, 128, 256. Stop! Stop!" 174 00:07:11,140 --> 00:07:12,740 APPLAUSE 175 00:07:12,940 --> 00:07:14,700 Very, very, very good, indeed. 176 00:07:14,980 --> 00:07:18,460 Well, we come to a sensitive subject now, ladies and gentlemen - bulges. 177 00:07:18,820 --> 00:07:22,900 Yes, the Latin for a bulge or protuberance is 'toros', 178 00:07:23,220 --> 00:07:25,700 which is not only the name for that sort of doughnut shape 179 00:07:25,940 --> 00:07:27,180 that they put particle accelerators in 180 00:07:27,460 --> 00:07:30,020 but also the technical name for the fleshy part of an apple 181 00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:33,660 and many people believe that the universe is shaped like a toros. 182 00:07:33,860 --> 00:07:35,140 I thought the Taurus was the bull. 183 00:07:35,500 --> 00:07:37,980 No, this is T-O-R rather than T-A-U. 184 00:07:38,260 --> 00:07:40,500 - T-A-U is a bull, but T-O-R... - Uh! 185 00:07:42,100 --> 00:07:43,820 Uh! Alan! 186 00:07:44,140 --> 00:07:45,420 - Uh! - It is a homophone. 187 00:07:45,700 --> 00:07:47,180 (MAKES MOCKING NOISES) 188 00:07:49,780 --> 00:07:52,620 This is turning into the most appalling primary school nonsense. 189 00:07:52,900 --> 00:07:55,660 It was a charming mistake of a very... It's a homophone. 190 00:07:55,900 --> 00:07:57,540 They do sound the same. 191 00:07:57,780 --> 00:07:59,580 And they hate gay people. No... 192 00:07:59,820 --> 00:08:01,020 LAUGHTER 193 00:08:02,620 --> 00:08:05,700 No, it's not hatred of gay people, it's fear of gay people. 194 00:08:05,980 --> 00:08:07,340 Fear or hatred, "phobus". Yes, "phobus". 195 00:08:07,580 --> 00:08:09,980 It is, indeed. Absolutely. The two are rather entwined. 196 00:08:10,300 --> 00:08:13,620 There is a phobia... If you go to www.phobias.com... 197 00:08:13,820 --> 00:08:15,060 Yeah. 198 00:08:15,420 --> 00:08:17,100 There is... There are all the phobias listed. 199 00:08:17,380 --> 00:08:18,900 There is a phobia which is a phobia 200 00:08:19,180 --> 00:08:21,660 of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth. 201 00:08:22,020 --> 00:08:25,380 Oh. You have to be very good at Greek to be able to give that a name. 202 00:08:25,740 --> 00:08:28,220 They're all there, A to Z. And the bloke who runs the website says... 203 00:08:28,540 --> 00:08:29,860 It says at the top, a little disclaimer - 204 00:08:30,180 --> 00:08:33,860 "I don't know how to cure any of these. I just compile the list." 205 00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:35,340 - ANNEKA: I... - Yes! 206 00:08:35,620 --> 00:08:36,820 And they're all there. 207 00:08:37,140 --> 00:08:38,980 Pogonophobia is the fear of beards. 208 00:08:39,260 --> 00:08:41,220 - Is it? - Yeah, it's the irrational fear of beards. 209 00:08:41,460 --> 00:08:42,700 I don't know whether that means 210 00:08:42,940 --> 00:08:44,620 you're actually frightened of people with beards 211 00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:47,860 or you're actually just scared of giant beards, which is... 212 00:08:48,100 --> 00:08:49,340 It's everything. It's fear of bees. 213 00:08:49,620 --> 00:08:53,100 - Fear of people is anthropophobia. - Anthropophobia. Yes. 214 00:08:53,340 --> 00:08:55,180 Fear or flowers is anthrophobia. 215 00:08:55,540 --> 00:08:56,900 - SILENCE - They're different. 216 00:08:57,220 --> 00:08:59,100 Yes, they are. LAUGHTER 217 00:08:59,380 --> 00:09:02,820 Well, "anthophobia", actually, as in "anthology". 218 00:09:03,100 --> 00:09:04,420 It means a collection of flowers, in fact. 219 00:09:04,660 --> 00:09:05,900 Does it? 220 00:09:06,220 --> 00:09:09,180 "Anther". A-N-T-H-E-R is the Greek for "flower". As in "polyantha". 221 00:09:09,540 --> 00:09:10,700 - Can I have a... - So... 222 00:09:11,020 --> 00:09:12,740 You see? I thought I was doing well... 223 00:09:13,060 --> 00:09:14,700 - No, you're doing terribly well. - ..and he just trumped me. 224 00:09:15,060 --> 00:09:16,220 Ailurophobia? What would you say that was? 225 00:09:16,420 --> 00:09:18,100 The fear of being allured. 226 00:09:18,340 --> 00:09:19,580 LAUGHTER 227 00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:21,460 - The fear of cats. - Is it?- Yes. 228 00:09:21,820 --> 00:09:23,460 - Achitophobia... - Yeah? 229 00:09:23,740 --> 00:09:27,580 ..is the fear of not being able to find a receipt for a faulty item. 230 00:09:27,820 --> 00:09:29,580 LAUGHTER 231 00:09:31,180 --> 00:09:32,740 And, of course, presumably, every... 232 00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:34,260 - Every phobia... - Bluff. 233 00:09:34,540 --> 00:09:36,060 Every "phobia" has a "philia", as it were. 234 00:09:36,340 --> 00:09:37,860 So you could apply the same thing to say 235 00:09:38,140 --> 00:09:40,460 a love of having peanut butter stuckk to the roof of your mouth. 236 00:09:40,700 --> 00:09:42,420 But I'd have thought just a little glass of water 237 00:09:42,820 --> 00:09:45,180 when you're actually eating the peanut butter sandwich would clear that problem. 238 00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:48,660 Ever the practical woman. She's so right. You're so right. 239 00:09:48,940 --> 00:09:51,260 There's a fortune to be made from that cure. 240 00:09:51,540 --> 00:09:53,700 LAUGHTER 241 00:09:53,700 --> 00:09:56,050 None of which has anything to do with the next question which is - 242 00:09:56,330 --> 00:10:00,090 in the Battle of the Bulge, who were the Stomach Division? 243 00:10:01,650 --> 00:10:03,050 The Germans. 244 00:10:03,290 --> 00:10:05,770 They were a German division, a German... 245 00:10:06,050 --> 00:10:07,930 - A regiment of darts players. - They were a division... 246 00:10:08,170 --> 00:10:09,530 LAUGHTER 247 00:10:09,810 --> 00:10:11,400 That would certainly be a good description... 248 00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:13,960 - Jocky Wilson. Eric Bristow. - LAUGHTER 249 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,280 So we're clear on what the Battle of the Bulge was. 250 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:19,000 The Battle of the Bulge is in Belgium, in the Second World War... 251 00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:20,880 - Yes. - ..when the Allies were advancing 252 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:24,120 and the Germans went for one big counteroffensive... 253 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:25,600 A last, great counteroffensive. 254 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:27,080 ..and it was quite successful. 255 00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:29,270 It was so successful that they made a film about it. 256 00:10:29,470 --> 00:10:30,870 LAUGHTER 257 00:10:31,190 --> 00:10:33,030 - It delayed the Americans... - It delayed... 258 00:10:33,390 --> 00:10:36,190 It was the largest infantry battle in American military history and the bloodiest. 259 00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:38,870 600,000 Americans were involved, which is more than 260 00:10:39,150 --> 00:10:40,350 the whole of the Battle of Gettysburg, 261 00:10:40,630 --> 00:10:42,950 which, let's face it, had Americans on both sides and... 262 00:10:43,230 --> 00:10:45,660 - They, they... - It was called The Bulge because...? 263 00:10:45,940 --> 00:10:48,460 Because the battle line was drawn out like that 264 00:10:48,820 --> 00:10:51,100 and The Bulge was the advancing army. 265 00:10:51,380 --> 00:10:52,660 That's right. The German advance counterattack 266 00:10:52,900 --> 00:10:54,140 made a bulge in the line. 267 00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:56,660 - We're talking about very late... - ALAN: '44. 268 00:10:56,900 --> 00:10:58,180 1944, exactly. 269 00:10:58,460 --> 00:11:00,900 And so, the, Stalin's red army is pushing through Eastern Poland 270 00:11:01,180 --> 00:11:04,130 towards Germany, and there were so few men! 271 00:11:04,450 --> 00:11:07,250 - There's so few German soldiers left after all this fighting... - Yes. 272 00:11:07,570 --> 00:11:09,930 ..that they decide that they must use people who are, 273 00:11:10,210 --> 00:11:11,450 who've got a sick note 274 00:11:11,770 --> 00:11:14,730 but it's only for a very slight problem, like a little tummy bug. 275 00:11:15,090 --> 00:11:17,570 And so all the people with, who were off sick, 276 00:11:17,890 --> 00:11:21,200 who had stomach problems, were marshalled into a division 277 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:24,320 - of the 70th infantry... - All of them felt a bit unwell? 278 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,640 ..of the Wehrmacht, called the Stomach Division. 279 00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:28,640 - They all had the runs. - And they had to fight... 280 00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:32,760 Well...they of course displayed outstanding guts, I'd say. 281 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:36,870 But they were given their own latrines and their own special diet. 282 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:38,790 - And they... - And were given a very wide berth 283 00:11:39,030 --> 00:11:40,830 - by most of the other soldiers. - LAUGHTER 284 00:11:41,110 --> 00:11:43,110 So they were called the Stomach Division because they were ill? 285 00:11:43,390 --> 00:11:45,070 - Yeah. - And they were called up at the last minute? 286 00:11:45,390 --> 00:11:46,590 They were called up, yeah, that's right. 287 00:11:46,910 --> 00:11:48,190 I mean, there were various things, like, obviously, 288 00:11:48,470 --> 00:11:49,990 if you had a leg missing or, you know, 289 00:11:50,270 --> 00:11:51,510 very severe illnesses, you would be exempt. 290 00:11:51,710 --> 00:11:52,990 But they reckoned that... 291 00:11:53,270 --> 00:11:55,980 - A bit of windy pops, get out there. - Exactly! "Durchfall". 292 00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:59,340 "Durchfall" is the rather good German word for diarrhoea 293 00:11:59,620 --> 00:12:02,460 which just means, literally, "through-fall". 294 00:12:02,740 --> 00:12:05,660 "Diarrhoea" means "run-through," for heaven's sake, from the Greek. 295 00:12:05,980 --> 00:12:07,140 Was it purely just physical ailments, though? 296 00:12:07,420 --> 00:12:09,380 - There was no other ailments? - ALAN: No mad ones? 297 00:12:09,700 --> 00:12:11,770 No ones with, like, a terrible stutter, 298 00:12:12,060 --> 00:12:13,490 in charge of the gunnery, you know. 299 00:12:13,730 --> 00:12:15,290 LAUGHTER 300 00:12:15,290 --> 00:12:17,290 "F-f-f...", "What? What?" 301 00:12:17,610 --> 00:12:20,530 No, these were the Stomach... Rather idealistically shot, there. 302 00:12:20,850 --> 00:12:23,770 - Did you know about that, in the Special Olympics... - Yes. 303 00:12:24,090 --> 00:12:26,050 ..you know, it's handicapped peoples' games 304 00:12:26,370 --> 00:12:28,090 - And they allow people in... - Paralympics. 305 00:12:28,290 --> 00:12:29,570 Paralympics, they're called. 306 00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:32,520 - They allow people in who are a bit mad as well. - Yes. 307 00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:34,440 And the Spanish basketball team, 308 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:36,960 a few of them pretended to be mentally ill to get in. 309 00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:39,160 - Yes, I heard about that! - And they won the gold medal. 310 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:41,440 That's right. LAUGHTER 311 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,160 I mean, really. Let that be on your conscience. 312 00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:45,960 I know it is awful. 313 00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:49,430 And the opponents were going, "Hang on. He's not mad." 314 00:12:49,630 --> 00:12:50,870 Yeah. 315 00:12:51,070 --> 00:12:53,870 "I'm mad. He's not. I am a mad!" 316 00:12:54,070 --> 00:12:56,310 LAUGHTER 317 00:12:56,590 --> 00:12:59,430 So, you're right. It was the Wehrmacht 70th Infantry. 318 00:12:59,710 --> 00:13:00,990 They were known as the Stomach Division. 319 00:13:01,310 --> 00:13:02,870 Due to indisposition, they were unable to attempt 320 00:13:03,190 --> 00:13:04,820 - the Battle of the Bulge itself. - BILL: Yes. 321 00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:07,900 All 10,000 of them were mopped up by the Canadians. 322 00:13:08,180 --> 00:13:13,420 But what bulges up and down by about 30cm twice a day? 323 00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:15,500 Is it a fat pilot's ankles? 324 00:13:15,740 --> 00:13:17,500 LAUGHTER 325 00:13:19,140 --> 00:13:21,010 Take off... 326 00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:24,330 - Mount Everest? - Yeah? Not Mount... 327 00:13:24,610 --> 00:13:27,090 Well, actually, sort of, expand that. The whole surface of the Earth. 328 00:13:27,410 --> 00:13:29,170 - The Earth's crust. - Yes, the whole Earth. 329 00:13:29,450 --> 00:13:30,610 - Is it? - Yeah. 330 00:13:30,930 --> 00:13:34,450 We know that the seas do because of the tidal pull of the moon 331 00:13:34,810 --> 00:13:37,610 but, actually, the Earth too is also pulled slightly. 332 00:13:37,930 --> 00:13:39,960 - The actual physical, hard... - Can we clear up, once and for all, 333 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:42,000 how the moon makes the sea go in and out? 334 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,000 LAUGHTER 335 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:46,320 (LAUGHS) If you think... 336 00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:47,760 Oh, don't bother. 337 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:50,160 Don't fall for his... He's just pissed. 338 00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:52,360 He's like some kid wasting time in class, isn't he? 339 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:54,600 Objects in space are attracted to each other at a ratio 340 00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,520 which is the inverse of the square of their distances 341 00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:58,550 as Newton made clear in his... 342 00:13:58,790 --> 00:13:59,990 LAUGHTER 343 00:14:00,310 --> 00:14:02,750 - The moon... - See, that's too hard, you see. 344 00:14:03,030 --> 00:14:05,390 - Imagine you're talking to a small child. - All right, yes. 345 00:14:07,110 --> 00:14:08,590 I was! 346 00:14:08,830 --> 00:14:10,510 LAUGHTER 347 00:14:10,830 --> 00:14:14,030 Imagine that the sea is made of iron filings and the moon is a magnet. 348 00:14:14,350 --> 00:14:15,710 Use another form of attraction other than gravity. 349 00:14:15,820 --> 00:14:17,900 - Why is the moon a magnet? - Because it has a gravitational effect 350 00:14:18,140 --> 00:14:19,780 which is a force like magnetism... 351 00:14:20,100 --> 00:14:21,460 Surely the Earth is stronger than the moon! 352 00:14:21,780 --> 00:14:23,060 Why doesn't the moon get pulled into us? 353 00:14:23,340 --> 00:14:26,260 Well, it's in an orbit. It's entirely around us. 354 00:14:26,580 --> 00:14:28,820 - But it's fighting against... - It still has a... 355 00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:31,220 You know, we have a massive effect on it. 356 00:14:31,500 --> 00:14:33,620 If it had water, obviously, its tides would, you know... 357 00:14:33,900 --> 00:14:35,140 - It would be a terrible state. - Yeah. 358 00:14:35,460 --> 00:14:38,740 But as each... It's literally pulling the seas, 359 00:14:39,060 --> 00:14:40,900 and they bulge, and you get the tides, and as... 360 00:14:41,220 --> 00:14:42,580 Do they pull the liquid in people, though? 361 00:14:42,900 --> 00:14:46,060 - Er, to some extent... - We're 90% water, aren't we? 362 00:14:46,380 --> 00:14:47,620 - Yeah, there is a large... - Are we going... 363 00:14:50,140 --> 00:14:51,900 ..the whole time? Never mind all this 364 00:14:52,220 --> 00:14:53,860 "You've got Pisces rising in your..." 365 00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,340 No, you're absolutely right! No! 366 00:14:55,620 --> 00:14:58,100 That's all just a distraction. The moon's making us go... 367 00:15:01,340 --> 00:15:03,620 - ..all the time. - It's not making us do that all the time 368 00:15:03,900 --> 00:15:06,140 or we would have noticed but... LAUGHTER 369 00:15:06,420 --> 00:15:08,140 - In a very minor way... - Some people do that. 370 00:15:08,460 --> 00:15:10,860 ..we behave a little bit like the Spanish basketball team. 371 00:15:11,100 --> 00:15:12,860 LAUGHTER 372 00:15:14,460 --> 00:15:16,340 Have you ever heard of a thing called a book? 373 00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:17,780 LAUGHTER 374 00:15:18,060 --> 00:15:20,420 They're about that big and you open them up at the front, right, 375 00:15:20,700 --> 00:15:23,260 and there're all the words. You suck them into your brain. 376 00:15:23,620 --> 00:15:26,260 It's always good to learn, Sean. It's never good to mock people who are trying. 377 00:15:26,460 --> 00:15:28,420 LAUGHTER 378 00:15:31,260 --> 00:15:33,500 Hang on, when you say "trying"... 379 00:15:33,780 --> 00:15:35,060 No! 380 00:15:35,340 --> 00:15:37,020 We're still struggling under the letter B. 381 00:15:37,300 --> 00:15:38,980 We've had bacteria, we've had bulge... 382 00:15:39,260 --> 00:15:42,340 - Yes, beavers. - We've had beaver. We had a lot of beaver but now... 383 00:15:42,620 --> 00:15:44,300 - And quite a lot of bollocks. - Yes. 384 00:15:44,580 --> 00:15:47,060 A great deal of bollocks. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 385 00:15:47,340 --> 00:15:49,820 We now have a swift buzzer question for everyone, though. 386 00:15:50,100 --> 00:15:51,340 Fingers poised. 387 00:15:51,660 --> 00:15:54,220 Speaking of tidal bulges, how many moons does the Earth have? 388 00:15:54,420 --> 00:15:55,700 DING! SAXOPHONE JAZZ TUNE 389 00:15:56,060 --> 00:15:57,580 - Two! - Oh! 390 00:15:57,780 --> 00:15:59,380 KLAXONS 391 00:15:59,660 --> 00:16:00,820 Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. 392 00:16:01,020 --> 00:16:02,740 We did this last series! 393 00:16:02,940 --> 00:16:04,220 Yes, but, Alan, that was last year. 394 00:16:04,500 --> 00:16:05,660 There have been three more discovered! 395 00:16:05,940 --> 00:16:07,780 - Oh, shut up! - It's true! 396 00:16:07,980 --> 00:16:09,380 It's true! 397 00:16:09,660 --> 00:16:11,420 APPLAUSE 398 00:16:11,700 --> 00:16:13,700 I know it seems astonishing but it's absolutely true. 399 00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:15,380 - Do you remember last year... - Cruithne. 400 00:16:15,700 --> 00:16:18,100 Well remembered! "Cruithne" is the spelling, exactly right, 401 00:16:18,420 --> 00:16:20,180 but supposedly pronounced "croo-EEN-eh," 402 00:16:20,420 --> 00:16:21,620 or something like that. 403 00:16:21,900 --> 00:16:24,460 But Cruithne was discovered in '97 404 00:16:24,780 --> 00:16:27,940 and it has a weird, sort of, horseshoe sort of orbit, which is... 405 00:16:28,180 --> 00:16:30,100 It doesn't quite complete - it bounces, like that. 406 00:16:30,300 --> 00:16:32,620 Since then, there have been some more. 407 00:16:32,900 --> 00:16:34,420 Their names - they've got exciting names. 408 00:16:34,740 --> 00:16:40,820 Let me tell you their names. They're 2,000 PH5, 2,000 WN10 and 2,002 AA29. 409 00:16:41,020 --> 00:16:42,340 Those are their names. 410 00:16:42,620 --> 00:16:43,780 Some people say they aren't really moons, 411 00:16:44,100 --> 00:16:46,060 but on the other hand, what else can you call them? 412 00:16:46,340 --> 00:16:47,780 They orbit the earth and are, to some extent... 413 00:16:48,060 --> 00:16:49,380 They're not visible to the human eye although... 414 00:16:49,740 --> 00:16:51,620 So you can argue that there's one or that there's five, 415 00:16:51,900 --> 00:16:53,060 but certainly not two, I'm afraid. 416 00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:54,580 Is there any evidence taht people are 417 00:16:54,860 --> 00:16:56,540 - a bit bonkers when there's a full moon? - No. 418 00:16:56,820 --> 00:16:58,780 It's very interesting. There's been a lot of research about it 419 00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:01,180 and there've been a lot of anecdotal evidence that at loony bins, 420 00:17:01,500 --> 00:17:03,140 you have to lock them up on a full moon, 421 00:17:03,420 --> 00:17:05,380 but actually, there's absolutely no clear evidence whatsoever 422 00:17:05,620 --> 00:17:06,980 that people behave oddly on a moon that's... 423 00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:09,140 - That is just nonsense. - So why do I go out killing? 424 00:17:09,420 --> 00:17:11,180 LAUGHTER 425 00:17:11,460 --> 00:17:13,900 Good. So, there we are. 426 00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:15,740 It's certainly not two moons. 427 00:17:16,100 --> 00:17:18,260 Which brings us, appropriately, to the humiliating business 428 00:17:18,540 --> 00:17:21,260 of our General Ignorance round, which is how we end our show. 429 00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:24,100 We ask, over and over again, the same question - 430 00:17:24,420 --> 00:17:25,940 "What on Earth did you go to school for?" 431 00:17:26,220 --> 00:17:29,060 Fingers on buzzers, please, lady and gentlemen. 432 00:17:29,380 --> 00:17:32,660 How many points do you need to win a game of table tennis? 433 00:17:32,900 --> 00:17:34,460 DING! SAXOPHONE JAZZ TUNE 434 00:17:34,740 --> 00:17:36,220 - 21. - No! 435 00:17:36,540 --> 00:17:39,140 Alany, Alany, Walany, Alany, Walany. 436 00:17:39,340 --> 00:17:41,140 It is 21. 437 00:17:41,340 --> 00:17:43,900 No, it isn't, I'm afraid the rules were changed. 438 00:17:44,220 --> 00:17:45,460 - The rules were changed. - What?! 439 00:17:45,660 --> 00:17:47,300 LAUGHTER 440 00:17:47,580 --> 00:17:50,500 I know it sounds absurd but they were. 441 00:17:50,740 --> 00:17:52,700 - The rules were changed last year. - Yep.- - Yeah. 442 00:17:52,980 --> 00:17:54,220 - It's 11. - It's 11. 443 00:17:54,500 --> 00:17:56,140 - You knew. Anneka knew. - So knew. So knew. 444 00:17:56,460 --> 00:17:58,540 It's 11. Ah. The rules changed in July, 2003. 445 00:17:58,740 --> 00:17:59,980 When they discovered the other moon. 446 00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:01,780 LAUGHTER 447 00:18:02,100 --> 00:18:05,420 Well, I'll let Alan get five points back if he can give me the reason. 448 00:18:05,700 --> 00:18:07,540 There were... Two things happened, essentially. 449 00:18:07,860 --> 00:18:10,340 They stopped it from being 21, they made it 11 and not only that, 450 00:18:10,660 --> 00:18:13,100 they've actually increased the size of the ball by 2mm. 451 00:18:13,380 --> 00:18:15,100 What is the reason for both those changes? 452 00:18:15,420 --> 00:18:16,700 - They made the ball larger? - Yeah. 453 00:18:16,940 --> 00:18:18,140 To make the game easier? 454 00:18:18,420 --> 00:18:20,660 This is a question just for Stupid... ..just for Alan. 455 00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:22,900 LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE 456 00:18:23,100 --> 00:18:24,380 To get five points back. 457 00:18:24,660 --> 00:18:26,540 - I can't, really... - There's one thing, one thing. 458 00:18:26,820 --> 00:18:28,900 What do you and I both feed like whores? 459 00:18:30,660 --> 00:18:32,020 - Pardon?! - ANNEKA: What?! 460 00:18:32,220 --> 00:18:34,060 LAUGHTER 461 00:18:34,340 --> 00:18:36,260 - You and I! What do we... - What do we feed like... 462 00:18:36,540 --> 00:18:37,700 - Earn our daily crust from? - From the... 463 00:18:37,980 --> 00:18:39,860 Feeding that cathode ray tube, the television. 464 00:18:40,140 --> 00:18:42,180 - Um, um, television. - Television. Television. 465 00:18:42,420 --> 00:18:43,900 The games are shorter. 466 00:18:44,180 --> 00:18:46,820 It makes it fourteen percent slower, more easy to watch. 467 00:18:47,100 --> 00:18:48,260 - To watch on the television. - That's right. 468 00:18:48,580 --> 00:18:50,180 And the games are shorter 469 00:18:50,460 --> 00:18:52,460 because human beings these days are just gibbering maniacs... 470 00:18:52,740 --> 00:18:54,860 - They really are. - Have to go and vomit up a pizza 471 00:18:55,140 --> 00:18:57,700 every five minutes so they can't have anything longer than that 472 00:18:57,940 --> 00:19:00,500 How many bacteria are there on a table tennis ball, for example? 473 00:19:00,740 --> 00:19:01,940 Many. Many, I should think. 474 00:19:02,220 --> 00:19:03,740 Cos they must be hardy souls, mustn't they? 475 00:19:05,340 --> 00:19:06,820 - It's certainly... - Whoa! 476 00:19:09,060 --> 00:19:11,780 - So, first to 11, then? - Yeah. Anyway, so that's the reason. 477 00:19:12,060 --> 00:19:13,300 What they should really get rid of 478 00:19:13,580 --> 00:19:15,100 is that awful noise of trainers on the floor 479 00:19:15,380 --> 00:19:17,140 so people watching on television - squeak, squeak, squeak, isn't it? 480 00:19:17,460 --> 00:19:18,700 - Drives me mental. - Yes, I know. 481 00:19:19,020 --> 00:19:20,860 - That's why I kill. - That's why you kill. 482 00:19:21,140 --> 00:19:22,340 That's why you kill. 483 00:19:22,620 --> 00:19:24,620 Now, as a first-timer on this show, Annie, 484 00:19:24,940 --> 00:19:26,420 we've got a question especially for you. 485 00:19:26,700 --> 00:19:29,500 You're touring in the Vagina Monologues. 486 00:19:29,820 --> 00:19:31,340 And I understand you're something of an expert 487 00:19:31,620 --> 00:19:32,900 in this interesting field. 488 00:19:33,180 --> 00:19:35,740 So tell me, how many vaginas does a kangaroo have? 489 00:19:36,060 --> 00:19:37,460 There's a kangaroo there. You could... 490 00:19:37,740 --> 00:19:40,180 - Oh, hang on. Let me... - Are they vaginas on top of its head? 491 00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:41,980 LAUGHTER 492 00:19:42,180 --> 00:19:43,900 I would say four. 493 00:19:44,220 --> 00:19:46,420 Actually, I'll throw the kangaroo's vagina open. 494 00:19:46,740 --> 00:19:49,020 - DING! SAXOPHONE JAZZ TUNE - None! No vaginas. 495 00:19:49,260 --> 00:19:51,500 DRUM SEQUENCE 496 00:19:51,780 --> 00:19:53,500 - 800. - LAUGHTER 497 00:19:55,100 --> 00:19:56,500 SAXOPHONE JAZZ TUNE 498 00:19:56,780 --> 00:19:58,100 - 801. - LAUGHTER 499 00:19:58,380 --> 00:20:00,020 - Anybody in the audience? - Three. 500 00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:01,660 - Three is the right answer. - Yes! 501 00:20:01,900 --> 00:20:03,140 Three. We got three. 502 00:20:04,740 --> 00:20:06,380 - It's a very extraordinary thing. - (ALAN LAUGHS) 503 00:20:06,660 --> 00:20:08,300 - It has... - Three! 504 00:20:08,580 --> 00:20:10,700 In case you're wondering, that's two up and one across. 505 00:20:10,980 --> 00:20:13,940 - In terms of configuration. - Is that a crossword clue? 506 00:20:14,220 --> 00:20:15,820 - I know what happens when they give birth. - Yeah? 507 00:20:16,100 --> 00:20:19,020 The baby crawls across the mother's body and goes in the pouch. 508 00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:20,500 Yes, well, there are... 509 00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:23,860 There are unborn foetuses that know that 510 00:20:24,180 --> 00:20:25,820 but the question that is more interesting... 511 00:20:27,420 --> 00:20:31,900 ..is that it actually has two wombs, the female kangaroo. 512 00:20:32,100 --> 00:20:33,380 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 513 00:20:33,660 --> 00:20:35,220 And it gives birth to a baby, a joey. 514 00:20:35,460 --> 00:20:37,020 And this... And if it... 515 00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:38,860 (WITH AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Joey. It's called a "joey", mate. 516 00:20:39,100 --> 00:20:40,340 - Yes, joey, yes. - (WITH AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Joey. 517 00:20:40,620 --> 00:20:42,980 Yes, or joey with a bad Australian accent, whichever you like. 518 00:20:43,260 --> 00:20:45,620 - And if it doesn't survive the year... - Yeah? 519 00:20:45,940 --> 00:20:49,100 ..then that triggers the birth of another joey in the other womb, 520 00:20:49,380 --> 00:20:51,460 which comes out of the other vagina, the other uterus. 521 00:20:51,660 --> 00:20:53,260 And so it's like a backup. 522 00:20:53,460 --> 00:20:54,740 And the third one's for luck? 523 00:20:55,020 --> 00:20:56,380 But the third one is completely not understood 524 00:20:56,660 --> 00:20:57,980 because there's only two wombs but three vaginas. 525 00:20:58,180 --> 00:20:59,420 Yes, and the male has four penises 526 00:20:59,740 --> 00:21:01,060 so there's a lot of rutting going on. 527 00:21:01,300 --> 00:21:03,140 No. How many penises does the male have? 528 00:21:03,500 --> 00:21:04,660 - 17. - Two. 529 00:21:04,940 --> 00:21:06,140 - Two, yes. - ANNEKA: Two. 530 00:21:06,420 --> 00:21:10,060 Well, one split into two. Known as the hemipenis. 531 00:21:10,260 --> 00:21:11,540 Yeah, yeah. 532 00:21:11,820 --> 00:21:13,660 He's racking up points in the last round. 533 00:21:13,980 --> 00:21:16,940 I've eaten kangaroo and it tastes very much like wallaby. 534 00:21:17,220 --> 00:21:18,940 LAUGHTER 535 00:21:20,580 --> 00:21:21,940 A bit gamey. 536 00:21:22,140 --> 00:21:23,860 Can I just also say... 537 00:21:24,180 --> 00:21:27,140 A wallaby is someone who really wants to be a kangaroo, isn't it? 538 00:21:27,300 --> 00:21:28,660 GENERAL GROAN 539 00:21:28,980 --> 00:21:30,460 Can I just tell you because it's quite interesting? 540 00:21:32,100 --> 00:21:33,580 One thing I learnt during the Vagina Monologues 541 00:21:33,900 --> 00:21:37,700 is that the clitoris is the only organ in the male or female body 542 00:21:37,940 --> 00:21:39,700 that's designed purely for pleasure. 543 00:21:39,900 --> 00:21:41,420 It has no other use at all. 544 00:21:41,700 --> 00:21:44,140 - That's wonderful. - And it has 8,000 nerve endings, 545 00:21:44,340 --> 00:21:46,300 twice the number as in a penis. 546 00:21:46,620 --> 00:21:49,060 No, the clitoris, isn't it for putting, 547 00:21:49,340 --> 00:21:50,860 balancing pound coins on for parking? 548 00:21:51,100 --> 00:21:52,820 LAUGHTER 549 00:21:56,580 --> 00:21:58,940 That's either completely surreal or I've missed a verbal connection. 550 00:21:59,220 --> 00:22:01,180 LAUGHTER 551 00:22:01,380 --> 00:22:03,340 You know, those things on a spring. 552 00:22:03,660 --> 00:22:05,740 - You press 'em and they ping back up. - Oh, right. 553 00:22:06,060 --> 00:22:08,140 - Is that called a clitoris? - Isn't it? 554 00:22:08,340 --> 00:22:09,700 Those little things you lick, you press down 555 00:22:09,900 --> 00:22:11,180 and they "ping" back up later on. 556 00:22:11,500 --> 00:22:12,700 - Isn't that a clitoris? - No. 557 00:22:12,900 --> 00:22:14,380 Oh, no. 558 00:22:14,700 --> 00:22:17,380 - Two-thirds of your answer was correct. - Oh. 559 00:22:17,700 --> 00:22:19,460 - SEAN: It's got no other use. - Entirely there for pleasure. 560 00:22:19,740 --> 00:22:22,340 Just, that's the only thing. It's just there for decoration. 561 00:22:22,620 --> 00:22:24,740 In my case, of course, that's true of the penis too but... 562 00:22:26,940 --> 00:22:28,300 From one kind of... 563 00:22:28,620 --> 00:22:30,620 So, Stephen, what are you pissing through these days? 564 00:22:30,900 --> 00:22:32,260 LAUGHTER 565 00:22:32,580 --> 00:22:34,060 Don't you love pissing? I love to piss! 566 00:22:34,260 --> 00:22:35,620 APPLAUSE 567 00:22:38,660 --> 00:22:40,700 From one kind of unusual birth to another. 568 00:22:41,020 --> 00:22:43,820 What was quite interesting about the birth of Julius Caesar? 569 00:22:44,100 --> 00:22:45,700 DRUM SEQUENCE Yes. 570 00:22:46,020 --> 00:22:48,380 It was... A wolf. Something with a wolf. 571 00:22:48,660 --> 00:22:50,140 LAUGHTER 572 00:22:50,340 --> 00:22:52,060 He was chucked out by a wolf. 573 00:22:52,380 --> 00:22:55,220 I think that's an unfortunate sort of elision 574 00:22:55,500 --> 00:22:57,260 of Romulus and Remus there, not Julius Caesar. 575 00:22:57,540 --> 00:22:59,980 Romulus and Remus were said to have been suckled by wolves. Yes? 576 00:23:00,300 --> 00:23:01,780 - Caesarean section. - Oh! 577 00:23:02,100 --> 00:23:03,980 KLAXONS Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear... 578 00:23:06,180 --> 00:23:09,180 I'm afraid that's another cunningly-laid trap 579 00:23:09,420 --> 00:23:10,940 you've fallen into, Mr Bond. 580 00:23:11,220 --> 00:23:13,580 I sort of felt that might happen, to be honest. 581 00:23:13,900 --> 00:23:16,140 I know, I know, it's sort of inevitability, tragic inevitability. 582 00:23:16,420 --> 00:23:17,740 There's something about that that felt like 583 00:23:18,060 --> 00:23:20,340 - No, the fact is that... - I'm a bit lemming-like, aren't I? 584 00:23:20,580 --> 00:23:21,900 LAUGHTER 585 00:23:22,140 --> 00:23:23,460 And you're small and furry and attractive. 586 00:23:23,740 --> 00:23:25,620 Stephen Wright said he was born by Caesarean section. 587 00:23:25,860 --> 00:23:27,100 It doesn't really affect him except 588 00:23:27,420 --> 00:23:29,300 when he goes into a room, he leaves by the window. 589 00:23:30,900 --> 00:23:32,580 Julius Caesar was born by Caesarean section! 590 00:23:32,820 --> 00:23:34,060 No, he was not! 591 00:23:34,380 --> 00:23:36,100 What does it mean, then? Why is it "Caesarean section"? 592 00:23:36,420 --> 00:23:38,100 It's a corruption of the word "cadare" meaning "to cut". 593 00:23:38,340 --> 00:23:40,100 There was such a thing as 594 00:23:40,500 --> 00:23:43,420 of what we call Caesarean section in Roman times but the mother always died. 595 00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:46,220 The only way they knew how to do it would always kill the mother. 596 00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:47,740 - Slash and grab. - And Aurelia, who... 597 00:23:47,980 --> 00:23:49,540 Aurelia, who was Julius Caesar's mother, 598 00:23:49,860 --> 00:23:51,660 was known to have lived well into his adulthood 599 00:23:51,940 --> 00:23:54,140 so he could not have been born by Caesarean section. 600 00:23:54,420 --> 00:23:55,940 - So that's not the answer? - How was he born? 601 00:23:56,220 --> 00:23:57,780 How was he born? We're mumbling between ourselves. 602 00:23:58,020 --> 00:23:59,260 We don't know anything particularly extraordinary 603 00:23:59,460 --> 00:24:00,740 about his features of birth, 604 00:24:01,020 --> 00:24:03,020 we just wanted Laughing Boy here to fall into the trap. 605 00:24:03,260 --> 00:24:04,540 LAUGHTER 606 00:24:04,860 --> 00:24:06,020 I'm afraid it worked. APPLAUSE 607 00:24:06,220 --> 00:24:07,540 I'm sorry. 608 00:24:07,740 --> 00:24:09,780 So it just was purely a trap. 609 00:24:10,100 --> 00:24:11,580 It was purely a trap. I'm sorry about that. 610 00:24:11,860 --> 00:24:14,260 They couldn't do the eyes, could they, the sculptors in them days. 611 00:24:14,540 --> 00:24:16,340 - No, they couldn't. - They're just rubbish. 612 00:24:16,620 --> 00:24:18,140 They'd say, "what do you think?" and he went... 613 00:24:20,100 --> 00:24:22,540 - They don't even try, do they? - They coloured them in, though, you see? 614 00:24:22,860 --> 00:24:24,340 They used to paint them. They were all painted. 615 00:24:24,620 --> 00:24:26,340 - Quite right, they were all painted. - Do I get points? 616 00:24:26,580 --> 00:24:27,820 Yes, go on, have a point. 617 00:24:28,140 --> 00:24:29,940 Same with English churches, which were all clearly painted. 618 00:24:30,220 --> 00:24:32,020 And, of course, the white cliffs of Dover as well, 619 00:24:32,300 --> 00:24:33,620 that was all coloured in at one point. 620 00:24:33,860 --> 00:24:35,220 LAUGHTER 621 00:24:35,500 --> 00:24:37,860 A big jungle scene - a mountain, giraffes... 622 00:24:41,220 --> 00:24:42,660 Oh, dear, dear, dear. 623 00:24:42,980 --> 00:24:44,820 What, a massive great mural, all along the South Coast? 624 00:24:45,060 --> 00:24:47,020 All the different peoples of the world holding hands. 625 00:24:47,220 --> 00:24:48,780 LAUGHTER 626 00:24:49,060 --> 00:24:52,460 All pointing at Westlife, drowning in the sea, going, "Yay!" 627 00:24:54,060 --> 00:24:55,660 Did they used to do public drownings? 628 00:24:55,980 --> 00:24:58,700 Why don't they do it for people on death row, drown them? 629 00:24:58,980 --> 00:25:00,700 You could ask for your last meal to be coconuts 630 00:25:00,900 --> 00:25:02,180 and you could form a raft and... 631 00:25:02,380 --> 00:25:03,820 LAUGHTER 632 00:25:04,060 --> 00:25:05,620 SOME APPLAUSE 633 00:25:10,860 --> 00:25:12,340 I always think that, those bloody last meals. 634 00:25:12,620 --> 00:25:14,540 When they... They always ask the same thing. 635 00:25:14,780 --> 00:25:16,020 Fish fingers and chips. 636 00:25:16,340 --> 00:25:20,060 No, it's always cheeseburger, cheeseburger, fries and a Coke. 637 00:25:20,340 --> 00:25:24,300 Which we, non-criminals, refer to as a Happy Meal. 638 00:25:24,540 --> 00:25:25,940 LAUGHTER 639 00:25:28,100 --> 00:25:30,700 I just don't understand why they don't ask for something like a really... 640 00:25:31,020 --> 00:25:33,340 A stale baguette and a pineapple, right, 641 00:25:33,660 --> 00:25:36,500 and form it like a medieval mace and just sort of fight their way... 642 00:25:40,100 --> 00:25:42,860 That brings us rather attractively, I think, to our next question 643 00:25:43,060 --> 00:25:44,460 because it's not unconnected. 644 00:25:44,780 --> 00:25:45,940 For what offences in the United Kingdom 645 00:25:46,260 --> 00:25:47,540 can you still theoretically be put to death? 646 00:25:47,780 --> 00:25:49,340 DRUM SEQUENCE, SAXOPHONE JAZZ TUNE 647 00:25:49,620 --> 00:25:51,020 Burning Her Majesty's ships in her ports. 648 00:25:51,260 --> 00:25:52,580 Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear... 649 00:25:52,820 --> 00:25:54,500 KLAXONS 650 00:25:54,780 --> 00:25:57,580 Arson in the royal dockyards is not a capital offence, I'm afraid, no. 651 00:25:57,900 --> 00:25:59,780 20 away from you. Any other thoughts? Yes? 652 00:25:59,980 --> 00:26:01,380 SAXOPHONE JAZZ TUNE 653 00:26:02,940 --> 00:26:04,340 Puppetry in the royal dockyards? 654 00:26:04,580 --> 00:26:05,820 LAUGHTER 655 00:26:06,100 --> 00:26:07,300 - DRUM SEQUENCE - Treason! 656 00:26:07,620 --> 00:26:09,100 Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear... KLAXONS 657 00:26:09,300 --> 00:26:11,100 LAUGHTER 658 00:26:15,780 --> 00:26:17,180 I don't believe it! 659 00:26:18,780 --> 00:26:20,860 Like a Heffalump into the honey trap. Well, there you are. 660 00:26:21,180 --> 00:26:22,940 There are no capital offences in the United Kingdom. 661 00:26:23,220 --> 00:26:26,660 Since 1999, when Mr Jackc Straw signed a particular Protocol, 662 00:26:26,940 --> 00:26:30,940 the Sixth Protocol, I think, of the European Declaration of Human Rights, 663 00:26:31,220 --> 00:26:33,260 treason and piracy with violence and all those 664 00:26:33,540 --> 00:26:35,060 ceased to be capital offences in 1998, 665 00:26:35,380 --> 00:26:38,300 and the death penalty for arson in Her Majesty's dockyards 666 00:26:38,540 --> 00:26:40,900 was quietly abolished in 1971. 667 00:26:41,220 --> 00:26:43,580 Lastly, a distinctly final note, ladies and gentlemen. 668 00:26:43,820 --> 00:26:45,500 What are dead bodies eaten by? 669 00:26:45,780 --> 00:26:47,140 DING! SAXOPHONE JAZZ TUNE Yes! 670 00:26:49,180 --> 00:26:51,460 Oh, I nearly said worms. I'll bet that's wrong. 671 00:26:51,780 --> 00:26:52,940 No! KLAXONS 672 00:26:53,220 --> 00:26:56,180 Maggots. I didn't say worms! I didn't say worms! 673 00:26:56,460 --> 00:26:58,820 Worms came out of your mouth, if I can put it that way. 674 00:26:59,100 --> 00:27:01,340 But I don't think we should take away those points because he... 675 00:27:01,620 --> 00:27:04,180 - Uh, maggot- Bacteria! - Bacteria.- Yay! 676 00:27:04,460 --> 00:27:08,100 Quite right, our dear new best friends. Bacteria, they eat us all. 677 00:27:08,340 --> 00:27:10,100 The beavers of death. 678 00:27:10,380 --> 00:27:12,940 They've been in the living body all along and they end up decomposing us. 679 00:27:13,260 --> 00:27:14,420 Or cannibals. Cannibals eat dead bodies. 680 00:27:14,700 --> 00:27:16,060 LAUGHTER 681 00:27:16,340 --> 00:27:17,540 - Yeah. - Yes, I'm sure they do. 682 00:27:17,820 --> 00:27:20,660 Forgetful grave diggers. "Where's my packed lunch? Oh..." 683 00:27:22,460 --> 00:27:25,180 Perhaps the most alarming place where bacteria hang out is in the kitchen. 684 00:27:25,500 --> 00:27:28,220 Chopping boards contain three times as many bacteria as lavatory seats, 685 00:27:28,500 --> 00:27:31,100 and dish cloths a million times more than that. 686 00:27:31,380 --> 00:27:32,620 Which is quite scary. 687 00:27:32,940 --> 00:27:34,100 So there you are, there's your bacteria 688 00:27:34,420 --> 00:27:35,740 who've been a theme for the week there. 689 00:27:36,060 --> 00:27:37,940 And there's just time to stroll into the hall of shame 690 00:27:38,220 --> 00:27:40,820 and see the final scores which are, in reverse order, I think, 691 00:27:41,140 --> 00:27:43,780 out in front, with seven points, Anneka Rice! 692 00:27:44,100 --> 00:27:45,500 - Wow. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 693 00:27:45,860 --> 00:27:48,940 And just one point behind, on six points, is Bill Bailey. 694 00:27:50,780 --> 00:27:56,180 For a clear third equal on -18 points each, Sean Lock, Alan Davies. 695 00:27:56,460 --> 00:27:58,220 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 696 00:28:00,020 --> 00:28:03,820 Well, that's all from Alan, Bill, Anneka, Sean and me for this week. 697 00:28:04,100 --> 00:28:06,940 Please do write to us if you have got something quite interesting to add 698 00:28:07,260 --> 00:28:09,620 but don't write to us pointing out that beavers 699 00:28:09,820 --> 00:28:11,140 could be mistaken for euphemisms. 700 00:28:11,340 --> 00:28:12,820 We never use euphemisms 701 00:28:13,100 --> 00:28:15,340 and we think people who do are complete front bottoms. 702 00:28:15,540 --> 00:28:16,900 Good night. 703 00:28:17,100 --> 00:28:18,860 APPLAUSE 704 00:28:45,820 --> 00:28:48,700 Closed Captions by CSI - Jacqui Mapoon