APPLAUSE
Yo ho, Great Britain! How're you doing? Good to be back. Whoo!
Let me introduce the band!
On lead guitar, Anneka Rice!
BASS GUITAR
And on sax, Bill Bailey!
SAXOPHONE JAZZ TUNE
And Sean Lock on drums!
DRUM SEQUENCE
And Alan Davies on the buses!
DING! DING!
Ah...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Alan is the conductor, of course. SOME LAUGHTER
Right, there are only two rules.
I give points for attitude and I take points away for platitude.
So, let's get straight down to business.
Question one - does the Pope eat beaver?
LAUGHTER, DRUM SEQUENCE
Sean Lock.
- I would say yes. - You... The Pope does eat beaver.
Yeah, because he's the Pope. He can have whatever he wants.
He CAN have whatever he wants but can he, as a good Catholic,
have whatever he wants, for example, on a Friday in Lent?
SAXOPHONE JAZZ TUNE Yes.
LAUGHTER
- ALAN: I like that. That's good. - Mm?
Yeah, if you want to do it again, do it again.
SAXOPHONE JAZZ TUNE
DRUM SEQUENCE
BASS GUITAR
DING! DING!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
- Oh... - This is like...
This is like the Early Learning Centre.
But wasn't there a plan...
Wasn't there a plan a few years ago to reintroduce beaver into Scotland?
LAUGHTER
- No, that was... - I didn't hear about that.
- Yeah, but the Pope ate it. - Ah.
- It's said to taste rather like beef, actually. - Yeah.
They really are like little people's arms.
- LAUGHTER - They are.
I think that is a person. That's the Pope, there.
- His hand... - LAUGHTER
- I see, the one on the right! - Oh, you mean those...
You're right, his front paws.
Look at his... They are like little hands.
They are, yeah.
That's what the Pope's thinking.
He's actually looking and going, "Yes, he's got little hands..."
They've asked him...
They said, "Are you ready to order?"
and he's going, "Shall I have beaver...?"
LAUGHTER
Here we are, I mentioned Friday in Lent.
What do Catholics not eat on Fridays in Lent?
- Uh, meat. - Meat.
Meat. Flesh, as in, animal flesh that isn't fish.
- They eat fish. - They eat fish, yeah.
And the Roman Catholic Church has designated beaver as a fish
because it is scaly and lives in water.
So, at all these little schools, primary schools all over Italy,
they have beaver and chips and peas on a Friday?
Probably more likely in American Catholic countries.
The capybara, which is the largest rodent on Earth,
which is a South American rodent -
400 tonnes of it are eaten during Lent in Venezuela alone.
Capybaras are likewise designated to be a fish.
The Pope would, if he were to eat,
he would probably eat them on a Friday in Lent,
as he might a capybara.
How would you suppose you might tell the sex of one beaver from another?
- They're only male. - The male would have a penis.
No, you have males and females.
Well, yes, but it's quite hard to spot.
- And a female would have a beaver! - Yes.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
A tiny little beaver's beaver.
LAUGHTER
No, I want to talk about anal excretions.
Now, I was just about to...
I was about to bring that point up
because in the, the anal scent glands
- of the beaver... - Yes.
- ..has secreted a... - Oh, please.
..a substance which is actually found in aspirin.
You're absolutely right. I'm going to give you five points for that.
- That's correct. - Thank you very much.
- It's called castoreum. - APPLAUSE
- It's been used as a medicine for hundreds of years. - Yes.
- It's called castoreum. - Castoreum.
As in castor, the beaver, and it contains salicylic acid,
- as you rightly said. - If you've got a headache...
- Yeah. - Rimming a beaver.
Lick out a beaver!
That's quite right.
But so often, unfortunately, the beaver's got a headache anyway
and won't let you do it.
So they have to do it for themselves first.
There's gotta be a plus side to rimming a beaver, hasn't there?
LAUGHTER
"Not tonight, darling. I've got a headache."
- "Don't worry about that!" - "Don't worry..."
My next question is, if aliens arrived on Earth
to abduct our most successful inhabitant, where would they look?
ALAN: Neverland.
LAUGHTER, SOME APPLAUSE
- Are they aliens? - I think that's the popular idea.
How the hell did they get a shot of them?
- Looks like an alien boy band. - That's Hubble for you.
LAUGHTER
Like alien YMCA.
They would look and see which was the most successful
- form of life on Earth. - Cockroaches.
- Oh, ants. - Are you talking about the amount of awards?
- Bacteria! - "Bacteria" is the right answer.
- Bacteria. - by far.
By any criterion by which you judge the success of life,
bacteria win hands down in terms of profusion, diversity,
ability to live under extraordinary conditions.
Yeah, but nobody likes 'em, do they?
Well, we wouldn't be alive without them.
We entirely depend upon them.
If chicken had no bacteria, it would be completely tasteless.
It would not taste anything. That's true of almost all foods.
- Cheese, of course. - Bacteria...
There's only a very small number of bacteria are dangerous.
If you were to take a gram a soil,
there are 40,000 species of different bacteria in that one gram,
let alone the amount there are.
And each species is as different from each other
as a rhinoceros is from...a primrose.
I mean, they are amazing things.
I want you to fall in love with, with the bacterium.
They are just the most marvellous things conceivable.
- Well, you've sold me! - They live in boiling acid.
They live in ice, they live in nuclear, cooling water.
I mean, they can live absolutely anywhere
under 6,000 atmospheres of pressure.
Where's their favourite place, though?
Where do they really like to hang out?
Human tummy. They love the human tummy.
We reckon 75% of the bacteria in the tummy
have not yet really been identified as separate species.
They're fantastic.
But they do exist all over the place.
What about pygmies, though?
Surely pygmies are more hardy, aren't they?
LAUGHTER
They can live anywhere in the world.
Pygmies can live anywhere in the world?
..than bacteria.
"Oh, bloody hell, I've gotta warm up on my bacteria gags!"
So why do you say that pygmies are...
Well, because you say "successful",
you're imbuing them with some sort of human characteristics.
No, I'm not. No, I mean "successful" purely, in purely Darwinian terms.
- Ah. - So if you're a scientist...
Are they all invisible to the naked eye
or are there any, kind of, cat-sized...
No, they're all teeny-weeny.
To have one as a pet - a big, hairy bacteria.
(LAUGHS) No, they look it, under the microscope, some of them, don't they?
They have parthenogenic sex, as it were, amongst them.
- Each to the other. - What sort of sex?
Virgin birth, you know?
They divide and split and divide and...
Yes, like amoebas.
..reproduce their DNA, which is their life.
"How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb?"
"One. No, two. No, four. No, eight.
No, 16, 32, 64, 128, 256. Stop! Stop!"
APPLAUSE
Very, very, very good, indeed.
Well, we come to a sensitive subject now, ladies and gentlemen - bulges.
Yes, the Latin for a bulge or protuberance is 'toros',
which is not only the name for that sort of doughnut shape
that they put particle accelerators in
but also the technical name for the fleshy part of an apple
and many people believe that the universe is shaped like a toros.
I thought the Taurus was the bull.
No, this is T-O-R rather than T-A-U.
- T-A-U is a bull, but T-O-R... - Uh!
Uh! Alan!
- Uh! - It is a homophone.
(MAKES MOCKING NOISES)
This is turning into the most appalling primary school nonsense.
It was a charming mistake of a very... It's a homophone.
They do sound the same.
And they hate gay people. No...
LAUGHTER
No, it's not hatred of gay people, it's fear of gay people.
Fear or hatred, "phobus". Yes, "phobus".
It is, indeed. Absolutely. The two are rather entwined.
There is a phobia... If you go to www.phobias.com...
Yeah.
There is... There are all the phobias listed.
There is a phobia which is a phobia
of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.
Oh. You have to be very good at Greek to be able to give that a name.
They're all there, A to Z. And the bloke who runs the website says...
It says at the top, a little disclaimer -
"I don't know how to cure any of these. I just compile the list."
- ANNEKA: I... - Yes!
And they're all there.
Pogonophobia is the fear of beards.
- Is it? - Yeah, it's the irrational fear of beards.
I don't know whether that means
you're actually frightened of people with beards
or you're actually just scared of giant beards, which is...
It's everything. It's fear of bees.
- Fear of people is anthropophobia. - Anthropophobia. Yes.
Fear or flowers is anthrophobia.
- SILENCE - They're different.
Yes, they are. LAUGHTER
Well, "anthophobia", actually, as in "anthology".
It means a collection of flowers, in fact.
Does it?
"Anther". A-N-T-H-E-R is the Greek for "flower". As in "polyantha".
- Can I have a... - So...
You see? I thought I was doing well...
- No, you're doing terribly well. - ..and he just trumped me.
Ailurophobia? What would you say that was?
The fear of being allured.
LAUGHTER
- The fear of cats. - Is it?- Yes.
- Achitophobia... - Yeah?
..is the fear of not being able to find a receipt for a faulty item.
LAUGHTER
And, of course, presumably, every...
- Every phobia... - Bluff.
Every "phobia" has a "philia", as it were.
So you could apply the same thing to say
a love of having peanut butter stuckk to the roof of your mouth.
But I'd have thought just a little glass of water
when you're actually eating the peanut butter sandwich would clear that problem.
Ever the practical woman. She's so right. You're so right.
There's a fortune to be made from that cure.
LAUGHTER
None of which has anything to do with the next question which is -
in the Battle of the Bulge, who were the Stomach Division?
The Germans.
They were a German division, a German...
- A regiment of darts players. - They were a division...
LAUGHTER
That would certainly be a good description...
- Jocky Wilson. Eric Bristow. - LAUGHTER
So we're clear on what the Battle of the Bulge was.
The Battle of the Bulge is in Belgium, in the Second World War...
- Yes. - ..when the Allies were advancing
and the Germans went for one big counteroffensive...
A last, great counteroffensive.
..and it was quite successful.
It was so successful that they made a film about it.
LAUGHTER
- It delayed the Americans... - It delayed...
It was the largest infantry battle in American military history and the bloodiest.
600,000 Americans were involved, which is more than
the whole of the Battle of Gettysburg,
which, let's face it, had Americans on both sides and...
- They, they... - It was called The Bulge because...?
Because the battle line was drawn out like that
and The Bulge was the advancing army.
That's right. The German advance counterattack
made a bulge in the line.
- We're talking about very late... - ALAN: '44.
1944, exactly.
And so, the, Stalin's red army is pushing through Eastern Poland
towards Germany, and there were so few men!
- There's so few German soldiers left after all this fighting... - Yes.
..that they decide that they must use people who are,
who've got a sick note
but it's only for a very slight problem, like a little tummy bug.
And so all the people with, who were off sick,
who had stomach problems, were marshalled into a division
- of the 70th infantry... - All of them felt a bit unwell?
..of the Wehrmacht, called the Stomach Division.
- They all had the runs. - And they had to fight...
Well...they of course displayed outstanding guts, I'd say.
But they were given their own latrines and their own special diet.
- And they... - And were given a very wide berth
- by most of the other soldiers. - LAUGHTER
So they were called the Stomach Division because they were ill?
- Yeah. - And they were called up at the last minute?
They were called up, yeah, that's right.
I mean, there were various things, like, obviously,
if you had a leg missing or, you know,
very severe illnesses, you would be exempt.
But they reckoned that...
- A bit of windy pops, get out there. - Exactly! "Durchfall".
"Durchfall" is the rather good German word for diarrhoea
which just means, literally, "through-fall".
"Diarrhoea" means "run-through," for heaven's sake, from the Greek.
Was it purely just physical ailments, though?
- There was no other ailments? - ALAN: No mad ones?
No ones with, like, a terrible stutter,
in charge of the gunnery, you know.
LAUGHTER
"F-f-f...", "What? What?"
No, these were the Stomach... Rather idealistically shot, there.
- Did you know about that, in the Special Olympics... - Yes.
..you know, it's handicapped peoples' games
- And they allow people in... - Paralympics.
Paralympics, they're called.
- They allow people in who are a bit mad as well. - Yes.
And the Spanish basketball team,
a few of them pretended to be mentally ill to get in.
- Yes, I heard about that! - And they won the gold medal.
That's right. LAUGHTER
I mean, really. Let that be on your conscience.
I know it is awful.
And the opponents were going, "Hang on. He's not mad."
Yeah.
"I'm mad. He's not. I am a mad!"
LAUGHTER
So, you're right. It was the Wehrmacht 70th Infantry.
They were known as the Stomach Division.
Due to indisposition, they were unable to attempt
- the Battle of the Bulge itself. - BILL: Yes.
All 10,000 of them were mopped up by the Canadians.
But what bulges up and down by about 30cm twice a day?
Is it a fat pilot's ankles?
LAUGHTER
Take off...
- Mount Everest? - Yeah? Not Mount...
Well, actually, sort of, expand that. The whole surface of the Earth.
- The Earth's crust. - Yes, the whole Earth.
- Is it? - Yeah.
We know that the seas do because of the tidal pull of the moon
but, actually, the Earth too is also pulled slightly.
- The actual physical, hard... - Can we clear up, once and for all,
how the moon makes the sea go in and out?
LAUGHTER
(LAUGHS) If you think...
Oh, don't bother.
Don't fall for his... He's just pissed.
He's like some kid wasting time in class, isn't he?
Objects in space are attracted to each other at a ratio
which is the inverse of the square of their distances
as Newton made clear in his...
LAUGHTER
- The moon... - See, that's too hard, you see.
- Imagine you're talking to a small child. - All right, yes.
I was!
LAUGHTER
Imagine that the sea is made of iron filings and the moon is a magnet.
Use another form of attraction other than gravity.
- Why is the moon a magnet? - Because it has a gravitational effect
which is a force like magnetism...
Surely the Earth is stronger than the moon!
Why doesn't the moon get pulled into us?
Well, it's in an orbit. It's entirely around us.
- But it's fighting against... - It still has a...
You know, we have a massive effect on it.
If it had water, obviously, its tides would, you know...
- It would be a terrible state. - Yeah.
But as each... It's literally pulling the seas,
and they bulge, and you get the tides, and as...
Do they pull the liquid in people, though?
- Er, to some extent... - We're 90% water, aren't we?
- Yeah, there is a large... - Are we going...
..the whole time? Never mind all this
"You've got Pisces rising in your..."
No, you're absolutely right! No!
That's all just a distraction. The moon's making us go...
- ..all the time. - It's not making us do that all the time
or we would have noticed but... LAUGHTER
- In a very minor way... - Some people do that.
..we behave a little bit like the Spanish basketball team.
LAUGHTER
Have you ever heard of a thing called a book?
LAUGHTER
They're about that big and you open them up at the front, right,
and there're all the words. You suck them into your brain.
It's always good to learn, Sean. It's never good to mock people who are trying.
LAUGHTER
Hang on, when you say "trying"...
No!
We're still struggling under the letter B.
We've had bacteria, we've had bulge...
- Yes, beavers. - We've had beaver. We had a lot of beaver but now...
- And quite a lot of bollocks. - Yes.
A great deal of bollocks. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
We now have a swift buzzer question for everyone, though.
Fingers poised.
Speaking of tidal bulges, how many moons does the Earth have?
DING! SAXOPHONE JAZZ TUNE
- Two! - Oh!
KLAXONS
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
We did this last series!
Yes, but, Alan, that was last year.
There have been three more discovered!
- Oh, shut up! - It's true!
It's true!
APPLAUSE
I know it seems astonishing but it's absolutely true.
- Do you remember last year... - Cruithne.
Well remembered! "Cruithne" is the spelling, exactly right,
but supposedly pronounced "croo-EEN-eh,"
or something like that.
But Cruithne was discovered in '97
and it has a weird, sort of, horseshoe sort of orbit, which is...
It doesn't quite complete - it bounces, like that.
Since then, there have been some more.
Their names - they've got exciting names.
Let me tell you their names. They're 2,000 PH5, 2,000 WN10 and 2,002 AA29.
Those are their names.
Some people say they aren't really moons,
but on the other hand, what else can you call them?
They orbit the earth and are, to some extent...
They're not visible to the human eye although...
So you can argue that there's one or that there's five,
but certainly not two, I'm afraid.
Is there any evidence taht people are
- a bit bonkers when there's a full moon? - No.
It's very interesting. There's been a lot of research about it
and there've been a lot of anecdotal evidence that at loony bins,
you have to lock them up on a full moon,
but actually, there's absolutely no clear evidence whatsoever
that people behave oddly on a moon that's...
- That is just nonsense. - So why do I go out killing?
LAUGHTER
Good. So, there we are.
It's certainly not two moons.
Which brings us, appropriately, to the humiliating business
of our General Ignorance round, which is how we end our show.
We ask, over and over again, the same question -
"What on Earth did you go to school for?"
Fingers on buzzers, please, lady and gentlemen.
How many points do you need to win a game of table tennis?
DING! SAXOPHONE JAZZ TUNE
- 21. - No!
Alany, Alany, Walany, Alany, Walany.
It is 21.
No, it isn't, I'm afraid the rules were changed.
- The rules were changed. - What?!
LAUGHTER
I know it sounds absurd but they were.
- The rules were changed last year. - Yep.- - Yeah.
- It's 11. - It's 11.
- You knew. Anneka knew. - So knew. So knew.
It's 11. Ah. The rules changed in July, 2003.
When they discovered the other moon.
LAUGHTER
Well, I'll let Alan get five points back if he can give me the reason.
There were... Two things happened, essentially.
They stopped it from being 21, they made it 11 and not only that,
they've actually increased the size of the ball by 2mm.
What is the reason for both those changes?
- They made the ball larger? - Yeah.
To make the game easier?
This is a question just for Stupid... ..just for Alan.
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
To get five points back.
- I can't, really... - There's one thing, one thing.
What do you and I both feed like whores?
- Pardon?! - ANNEKA: What?!
LAUGHTER
- You and I! What do we... - What do we feed like...
- Earn our daily crust from? - From the...
Feeding that cathode ray tube, the television.
- Um, um, television. - Television. Television.
The games are shorter.
It makes it fourteen percent slower, more easy to watch.
- To watch on the television. - That's right.
And the games are shorter
because human beings these days are just gibbering maniacs...
- They really are. - Have to go and vomit up a pizza
every five minutes so they can't have anything longer than that
How many bacteria are there on a table tennis ball, for example?
Many. Many, I should think.
Cos they must be hardy souls, mustn't they?
- It's certainly... - Whoa!
- So, first to 11, then? - Yeah. Anyway, so that's the reason.
What they should really get rid of
is that awful noise of trainers on the floor
so people watching on television - squeak, squeak, squeak, isn't it?
- Drives me mental. - Yes, I know.
- That's why I kill. - That's why you kill.
That's why you kill.
Now, as a first-timer on this show, Annie,
we've got a question especially for you.
You're touring in the Vagina Monologues.
And I understand you're something of an expert
in this interesting field.
So tell me, how many vaginas does a kangaroo have?
There's a kangaroo there. You could...
- Oh, hang on. Let me... - Are they vaginas on top of its head?
LAUGHTER
I would say four.
Actually, I'll throw the kangaroo's vagina open.
- DING! SAXOPHONE JAZZ TUNE - None! No vaginas.
DRUM SEQUENCE
- 800. - LAUGHTER
SAXOPHONE JAZZ TUNE
- 801. - LAUGHTER
- Anybody in the audience? - Three.
- Three is the right answer. - Yes!
Three. We got three.
- It's a very extraordinary thing. - (ALAN LAUGHS)
- It has... - Three!
In case you're wondering, that's two up and one across.
- In terms of configuration. - Is that a crossword clue?
- I know what happens when they give birth. - Yeah?
The baby crawls across the mother's body and goes in the pouch.
Yes, well, there are...
There are unborn foetuses that know that
but the question that is more interesting...
..is that it actually has two wombs, the female kangaroo.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it gives birth to a baby, a joey.
And this... And if it...
(WITH AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Joey. It's called a "joey", mate.
- Yes, joey, yes. - (WITH AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Joey.
Yes, or joey with a bad Australian accent, whichever you like.
- And if it doesn't survive the year... - Yeah?
..then that triggers the birth of another joey in the other womb,
which comes out of the other vagina, the other uterus.
And so it's like a backup.
And the third one's for luck?
But the third one is completely not understood
because there's only two wombs but three vaginas.
Yes, and the male has four penises
so there's a lot of rutting going on.
No. How many penises does the male have?
- 17. - Two.
- Two, yes. - ANNEKA: Two.
Well, one split into two. Known as the hemipenis.
Yeah, yeah.
He's racking up points in the last round.
I've eaten kangaroo and it tastes very much like wallaby.
LAUGHTER
A bit gamey.
Can I just also say...
A wallaby is someone who really wants to be a kangaroo, isn't it?
GENERAL GROAN
Can I just tell you because it's quite interesting?
One thing I learnt during the Vagina Monologues
is that the clitoris is the only organ in the male or female body
that's designed purely for pleasure.
It has no other use at all.
- That's wonderful. - And it has 8,000 nerve endings,
twice the number as in a penis.
No, the clitoris, isn't it for putting,
balancing pound coins on for parking?
LAUGHTER
That's either completely surreal or I've missed a verbal connection.
LAUGHTER
You know, those things on a spring.
- You press 'em and they ping back up. - Oh, right.
- Is that called a clitoris? - Isn't it?
Those little things you lick, you press down
and they "ping" back up later on.
- Isn't that a clitoris? - No.
Oh, no.
- Two-thirds of your answer was correct. - Oh.
- SEAN: It's got no other use. - Entirely there for pleasure.
Just, that's the only thing. It's just there for decoration.
In my case, of course, that's true of the penis too but...
From one kind of...
So, Stephen, what are you pissing through these days?
LAUGHTER
Don't you love pissing? I love to piss!
APPLAUSE
From one kind of unusual birth to another.
What was quite interesting about the birth of Julius Caesar?
DRUM SEQUENCE Yes.
It was... A wolf. Something with a wolf.
LAUGHTER
He was chucked out by a wolf.
I think that's an unfortunate sort of elision
of Romulus and Remus there, not Julius Caesar.
Romulus and Remus were said to have been suckled by wolves. Yes?
- Caesarean section. - Oh!
KLAXONS Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear...
I'm afraid that's another cunningly-laid trap
you've fallen into, Mr Bond.
I sort of felt that might happen, to be honest.
I know, I know, it's sort of inevitability, tragic inevitability.
There's something about that that felt like
- No, the fact is that... - I'm a bit lemming-like, aren't I?
LAUGHTER
And you're small and furry and attractive.
Stephen Wright said he was born by Caesarean section.
It doesn't really affect him except
when he goes into a room, he leaves by the window.
Julius Caesar was born by Caesarean section!
No, he was not!
What does it mean, then? Why is it "Caesarean section"?
It's a corruption of the word "cadare" meaning "to cut".
There was such a thing as
of what we call Caesarean section in Roman times but the mother always died.
The only way they knew how to do it would always kill the mother.
- Slash and grab. - And Aurelia, who...
Aurelia, who was Julius Caesar's mother,
was known to have lived well into his adulthood
so he could not have been born by Caesarean section.
- So that's not the answer? - How was he born?
How was he born? We're mumbling between ourselves.
We don't know anything particularly extraordinary
about his features of birth,
we just wanted Laughing Boy here to fall into the trap.
LAUGHTER
I'm afraid it worked. APPLAUSE
I'm sorry.
So it just was purely a trap.
It was purely a trap. I'm sorry about that.
They couldn't do the eyes, could they, the sculptors in them days.
- No, they couldn't. - They're just rubbish.
They'd say, "what do you think?" and he went...
- They don't even try, do they? - They coloured them in, though, you see?
They used to paint them. They were all painted.
- Quite right, they were all painted. - Do I get points?
Yes, go on, have a point.
Same with English churches, which were all clearly painted.
And, of course, the white cliffs of Dover as well,
that was all coloured in at one point.
LAUGHTER
A big jungle scene - a mountain, giraffes...
Oh, dear, dear, dear.
What, a massive great mural, all along the South Coast?
All the different peoples of the world holding hands.
LAUGHTER
All pointing at Westlife, drowning in the sea, going, "Yay!"
Did they used to do public drownings?
Why don't they do it for people on death row, drown them?
You could ask for your last meal to be coconuts
and you could form a raft and...
LAUGHTER
SOME APPLAUSE
I always think that, those bloody last meals.
When they... They always ask the same thing.
Fish fingers and chips.
No, it's always cheeseburger, cheeseburger, fries and a Coke.
Which we, non-criminals, refer to as a Happy Meal.
LAUGHTER
I just don't understand why they don't ask for something like a really...
A stale baguette and a pineapple, right,
and form it like a medieval mace and just sort of fight their way...
That brings us rather attractively, I think, to our next question
because it's not unconnected.
For what offences in the United Kingdom
can you still theoretically be put to death?
DRUM SEQUENCE, SAXOPHONE JAZZ TUNE
Burning Her Majesty's ships in her ports.
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear...
KLAXONS
Arson in the royal dockyards is not a capital offence, I'm afraid, no.
20 away from you. Any other thoughts? Yes?
SAXOPHONE JAZZ TUNE
Puppetry in the royal dockyards?
LAUGHTER
- DRUM SEQUENCE - Treason!
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear... KLAXONS
LAUGHTER
I don't believe it!
Like a Heffalump into the honey trap. Well, there you are.
There are no capital offences in the United Kingdom.
Since 1999, when Mr Jackc Straw signed a particular Protocol,
the Sixth Protocol, I think, of the European Declaration of Human Rights,
treason and piracy with violence and all those
ceased to be capital offences in 1998,
and the death penalty for arson in Her Majesty's dockyards
was quietly abolished in 1971.
Lastly, a distinctly final note, ladies and gentlemen.
What are dead bodies eaten by?
DING! SAXOPHONE JAZZ TUNE Yes!
Oh, I nearly said worms. I'll bet that's wrong.
No! KLAXONS
Maggots. I didn't say worms! I didn't say worms!
Worms came out of your mouth, if I can put it that way.
But I don't think we should take away those points because he...
- Uh, maggot- Bacteria! - Bacteria.- Yay!
Quite right, our dear new best friends. Bacteria, they eat us all.
The beavers of death.
They've been in the living body all along and they end up decomposing us.
Or cannibals. Cannibals eat dead bodies.
LAUGHTER
- Yeah. - Yes, I'm sure they do.
Forgetful grave diggers. "Where's my packed lunch? Oh..."
Perhaps the most alarming place where bacteria hang out is in the kitchen.
Chopping boards contain three times as many bacteria as lavatory seats,
and dish cloths a million times more than that.
Which is quite scary.
So there you are, there's your bacteria
who've been a theme for the week there.
And there's just time to stroll into the hall of shame
and see the final scores which are, in reverse order, I think,
out in front, with seven points, Anneka Rice!
- Wow. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And just one point behind, on six points, is Bill Bailey.
For a clear third equal on -18 points each, Sean Lock, Alan Davies.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, that's all from Alan, Bill, Anneka, Sean and me for this week.
Please do write to us if you have got something quite interesting to add
but don't write to us pointing out that beavers
could be mistaken for euphemisms.
We never use euphemisms
and we think people who do are complete front bottoms.
Good night.
APPLAUSE
Closed Captions by CSI - Jacqui Mapoon