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(Theme music)

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(Applause)

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Well...hello, hello, hello, hello,
and welcome to QI,

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the show that knows what's what
like I know the back of my onions.

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So let's meet
tonight's men amongst men.

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We have Rich Hall...
(Applause)

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..Arthur Smith...

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..Dara O'Briain, and Alan Davies.
(Applause)

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Welcome one, welcome all.

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Let's hear your manly sounds, please,
gentlemen. Rich goes...

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(Handsaw cuts through wood)

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..and Arthur...
(Nail is hammered)

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..and Dara...
(Fierce Maori war cry)

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..and Alan.
(Generic mobile phone ringtone)

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So let's begin, with question one,
and that's for Rich.

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What would you say
if I said to you

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that the British Empire
was built of diarrhoea?

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(Laughter)

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I'd say you were full of shit.

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Any word that ends in '-rea'
is just bad news, isn't it?

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Diarrhoea...pyorrhea...
gonorrhoea...

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- ..North Korea.
- North Korea. (Laughs)

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- What about Chris Rea?
- Yeah.

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To be fair, though,
speaking as someone, obviously,

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whose antecedents were members
of the British Empire themselves -

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uh, happily, of course -

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diarrhoea was very much
the least of our problems.

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while the English
were in the country.

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Really, we'd have been glad
of a bit of diarrhoea.

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I mean, there's very few
recorded conversations

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between Irish peasants in the 1840s

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that went,
'Paddy, you're looking very thin.'

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'I know. The food is just
running through me at the moment.'

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'This spicy British food
doesn't appeal to me at all.'

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Well, yeah. Absolutely.

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Well, of course,
the question is oddly framed,

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because, actually,
the British Empire came about

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because the British

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were the first imperial power to
overcome the problem of diarrhoea.

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Up until the 18th century,

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almost every invading army
anywhere in the world

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was laid low by diarrhoea -
particularly the French.

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They kept having excrement
so close to their food, if not on it,

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and it was not understood
that this was a bad idea.

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- It's not a bad idea, Stephen.
- Isn't it?

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- No, no, no.
- Someone's been leading me up.

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I think you'll find
more faeces with your food

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actually improves your health.

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- (Silence)
- I've overstated it a touch.

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I think you might have done.
(Laughter)

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But I do think it's generally agreed
that children don't eat enough...

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..you know...bad things, in a way.

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Everything's sanitised,

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and their bodies aren't used to it

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when they have to
fight off infections.

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I think it's absolutely right.

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If everyone
lives in a plastic bubble,

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the moment the bubble is removed,

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they die of something or other
very fast.

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Particularly if the bubble
is underwater, for example.

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Exactly!

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There's a very sudden pressure
change

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that you just can't deal with
in that situation.

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So the notion of an army
marching on its stomach

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is more that
the army tends to march

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on the contents of
a preceding soldier's stomach,

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- as they were walking along.
- Absolutely.

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There were
two eminent British figures,

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one called Pringle,
who did it for the army,

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another one called Lind,
who did it for the navy...

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Presumably, Pringle had
a small moustache, just like that.

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- Latrines. We invented latrines.
- Well, that's right.

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But that's a French word.

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- I know! - 'Latrine' must have been
French for 'kitchen' then.

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Well, you're almost right. I mean,
the French did extraordinary things.

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I mean, instead of
burying their bodies at sea,

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they buried them
actually in the ship...

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- In the ship?
- ..in the bilge part.

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- The bottom, the ballast part.
- Brilliant idea.-  Yeah.

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- Except imagine the stench!
- Probably improved matters, though.

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I remember reading
that on the approach to Moscow,

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that the French soldiers

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used to sleep inside the
dead bodies of horses at night...

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- Wow
- ..'cause, obviously, it's warm.

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So, I mean, that's not
a comfortable night, is it?

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Even Travelodge
is better than that, you know?

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Yes - for the wrong reasons, Lind
and Pringle thought the right thing.

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In other words, they believed
that disease was all about smell,

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and if something smelt bad,
you would be ill.

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We had a maths teacher at school
who smelt disgusting.

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Pringle laid down rules for the army

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about how far faeces, and everything
to do with it, should be from food.

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And, as a result, we had far less
diarrhoea, far less enteric fever

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than any other army around the world.

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He also said, for the navy,
that they should eat lemons,

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because of scurvy - vitamins
weren't known about until 1912.

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But, because almost every country
that grew lemons hated Britain,

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the only countries
we could get anything close to it

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was the Caribbean,
where there were limes,

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which are actually half as effective.

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And hence, British, of course,
were called 'limeys',

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where we should, really,
have been called 'lemonies'.

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Yeah.

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Because the navy did realise
that lemons were twice as effective.

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Vitamin C tablets, obviously,
seem very effective.

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Multi-vitamins. MultiVits.
If they'd had a few of them...

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I mean, if you'd just gone to Boots,
really, at the start of the trip...

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You know, they say that the wheel
is the greatest invention ever.

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But I think it's probably
the second wheel, because...

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)
Very good.

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Have you ever
seen a guy on a unicycle?

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What an asshole.

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In the Battle of El Alamein,

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there's a strong historical argument
that it was won

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because more than 50% of the German
Army in North Africa at the time

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had diarrhoea,

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and Rommel himself was in hospital

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on the first day of the Battle
of El Alamein, with the squits.

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My father, actually,
was genuinely at El Alamein,

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and he was the only soldier,
according to him,

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who didn't have the runs.

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And he was actually constipated.

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- That's what he said.
- Just bloody-minded, is he?

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This was one of his great lines -

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'I had to dig it out with a stick.'

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(Laughter)

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And it is to such great men
that we owe our freedom,

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and we thank them. There you are.

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That's really
put me off going to war.

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I was alright
with the killing, and the mayhem,

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- but the shits...
- Exactly.

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You don't see it in war films,

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and yet it is something that
absolutely drives humans everywhere.

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I mean, it is...it's a thing
we do all the time.

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Do you know, I feel, though,
that in many ways,

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- we've pretty well done diarrhoea.
- I think we have.

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We're ready to move on, in fact.

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We'll move on
to a question for Dara.

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Now, what begins with B...

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I thought
we were done with diarrhoea.

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You...(Chuckles). Alright.

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It is nearly an anagram, your name,
isn't it?

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Well,
it's quite possibly an anagram,

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- but what anagram...?
- For diarrhoea.

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No, it's not. There's only
four letters in my name.

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(Laughter)

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It's an anagram
of the great drama school, RADA.

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That's what it's an anagram of.

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No, no. With all the rest of it,
there's an O, isn't there?

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There's an O, yeah.
There's a B, there's an N.

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As if my name is, roughly,
'NB Diarrhoea.'

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- Yes. 'Da-ra'.
- Da-ra!-  Da-ra!

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So, Dara, what begins with a B,
and is illegal in Turkmenistan?

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Begins with a B,
and is illegal in Turkmenistan?

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- Um...
- Begins with a B, yes.

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Well, presumably a plague of bees
would be...

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Would begin with one bee.

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There is a town in Turkmenistan
called Mary.

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- Mary's an odd name for a town.
- Is there a Mary there?

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- There is a Mary, yeah.
- Yeah.

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Oh, my God. You're absolutely right.

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There's also
a large region called Mary, as well,

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- in Turkmenistan.
- Mary, Mary.

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And there's
a little town called Quite Contrary.

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- Buggery? Is it buggery?
- It's not.

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Well, actually, as far as I know, it
may be illegal, buggery, in...

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- Bestiality?
- No. It's something weird. I mean...

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- Bear-baiting? Ballet?
- Ballet is the right answer.

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- Is it?!
- Ballet is illegal.

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- Illegal?! - In a country that used to
be part of the Soviet Union.

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- 'Arrest that man. That man...'
- Exactly, exactly.

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- Is that a man?
- It could be a man.

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There is a very, very odd man
indeed, called Saparmurat Niyazov,

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who is the head of this country,
Turkmenistan.

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- And there he is.
- Is he from Mary?

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- He doesn't look like he is.
- No, he's not.

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He's actually from Ashgabat,
which is the capital.

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(Guttural) Ashgabad!

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And he is one of
the oddest world leaders there is.

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- 'You! Ballerina!'
- Yeah, exactly.

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- In 2001...
- 'No, no!'

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Not only that, he's named January
after himself, so...

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His face appears
on millions of yoghurt pots.

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If you buy yoghurt pots
in Turkmenistan,

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his face will be on it.

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- What's the point of that?
- Well, exactly.

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I mean, power has gone to his head.

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He looks like
a face that would curdle milk.

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He does! That's probably right.

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Is it on the inside
of the yoghurt pot, his face?

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- At the bottom...
- Scoop, scoop.

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What happens if you are caught
performing ballet? You're arrested?

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Presumably, you would be arrested.

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Even for a small plie?

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Are there signs, like, with tutus,
and big Xs through them?

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(Laughs) 'No ballet here.'

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There must be some kind of
underground ballet-dancing clubs.

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- Absolutely.
- Yeah - Ballet Club, with Brad Pitt.

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Yeah. (Laughs)

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Well, he also fired 15,000 nurses
in Turkmenistan, Niyazov,

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and replaced them
with army conscripts.

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There's something odd about him.

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This sounds like
a place where Bush needs to go in,

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and kick some more arse.

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(Laughter)

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Now it's time
for a question for Arthur.

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What's quite interesting
about digestive biscuits?

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Well, it's a hardworking biscuit,
the digestive, you know.

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You put cheese on it,
and, as it goes, chocolate on it.

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It's a base for cheesecake.

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It really is
a sort of Renaissance biscuit.

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- It is!
- It's a great dunker.

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- Yeah. - It's a very,
very hardworking biscuit.

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But have you ever noticed

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that there is a slightly fishy taste
about a digestive?

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Is there?
What have you been dunking them in?

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- Good heavens. - Or
who have you been dunking them in?

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Good Lord!

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We're in the world of misnomers -
things that are wrongly called.

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Do they give you wind?

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They were called 'digestives'

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because they were supposed to be
an anti-flatulent biscuit,

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when they were designed
in the 19th century.

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- You're joking!
- No! That's right.

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'You'd better have one of these.'
'Sorry.'

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Maybe you stuffed it up,
I don't know.

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I'd like to see an advert
for this flatulence biscuit.

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(Mimics fart)
'Hey, try a digestive!'

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We're heading right back down
the diarrhoea highway here.

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Welcome to the United Kingdom,
Mr Hall.

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The fact is,
they are not aids to digestion.

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In America, it is illegal
to call them 'digestives'.

234
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:15,760
Of course, in America...do you know
what we're talking about?

235
00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:17,840
- Cookies.
- Yeah, yeah.-  Yes.

236
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:21,920
That's quite right...which is from
the Dutch - 'koek', meaning a cake,

237
00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:23,560
- which is why you call them 'cookies'.
- Right.

238
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,040
'Cause what you call a biscuit,

239
00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:27,080
it's more like what we would
call a scone-y thing.

240
00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:28,520
You have biscuits and gravy.

241
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:30,600
Explain to the ladies and gentlemen
what that is.

242
00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:34,840
Oh, traveller from an arcane land.

243
00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:37,760
(Laughter)
Yes!

244
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:40,680
What...do...your people...eat?!

245
00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:43,720
(Laughter, applause)

246
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:47,880
Everything!

247
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:53,160
No, biscuits...biscuits
are made from self-rising flour,

248
00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:54,960
and then they just
slop gravy over it,

249
00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:57,080
and it
just takes up room on the plate.

250
00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:59,720
Right. And it's a breakfast-y thing,
or a lunch-y thing, or...?

251
00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:01,560
Uh, depends on
what trailer park you live in.

252
00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:03,000
Sometimes it's three meals a day.

253
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:05,600
Fair enough, fair enough.

254
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:08,400
Well, 450 digestive biscuits
are baked every second

255
00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:10,400
- in the United Kingdom.
- Really?

256
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:14,360
- They are truly the mule of biscuits.
- They certainly are.

257
00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:16,760
- And, Alan, it brings me onto
a question for you. - For me?

258
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:18,760
What is the difference
between a cake and a biscuit?

259
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:20,640
- Oh, that's easy!
- Tell.

260
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:23,920
Well, a cake is soft,
and a biscuit's hard.

261
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,760
Cakes are soft, and squidgy,
and spongy,

262
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:30,520
and biscuits, you can snap them.

263
00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:32,160
ARTHUR: What's a Jaffa cake, then?

264
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:34,000
Very interesting you should say that.

265
00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:36,720
Well...quite interesting, I think.

266
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:38,520
Well, quite interesting.
Exactly, exactly.

267
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,040
Let's stick to our brief.

268
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:45,040
Jaffa cake is the exception
that proves the rule.

269
00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:46,840
Well, no, it isn't an exception.

270
00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:48,320
See, what happens on this show,
Dara,

271
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:50,640
is that he thinks I'm an idiot.

272
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:53,680
Well, you think my name
is an anagram of 'diarrhoea', so...

273
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,480
Yes, exactly.
(Laughter)

274
00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:59,040
I'm really on their side
at the moment.

275
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:03,280
Well, actually, I mean,
you use the right words.

276
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:05,760
Technically, the difference is
that when they go stale,

277
00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:09,840
a cake goes hard
and a biscuit goes soft.

278
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:11,840
And a biscuit goes soft. Does it?

279
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:13,640
In 1991, the British government,
and Customs and Excise,

280
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:18,120
decided they wanted to reclassify
the Jaffa cake as a biscuit.

281
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:23,520
The weird thing is, there is 0 VAT
on cake and biscuit,

282
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:27,480
but there is VAT on chocolate
biscuits, as a luxury item.

283
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,000
So McVitie's went out of their way

284
00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:31,160
to try and prove that Jaffa cakes
are not chocolate biscuits,

285
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:32,640
they are cakes.

286
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:34,400
And they did so by demonstrating,

287
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,080
in front of the VAT review board,

288
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,520
that they went hard
when they were stale.

289
00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:40,640
And they also
cooked a great, big 12-inch one

290
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:43,400
to show that it really was
a cake that they had baked.

291
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,640
I always think, King Alfred...
you know, he was a great man, who...

292
00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:48,120
Is that a cock-ring?

293
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:51,840
- (Laughter)
- No, that's a really early cock-ring.

294
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,120
Made of stone.

295
00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:58,200
Oh, they had big knobs, they did.
Yeah.

296
00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:03,600
But King Alfred,
who, I believe, invented...

297
00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:06,080
- (Laughs)
- (Laughs)

298
00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:08,640
- I'm determined to carry on.
- Yes. No, please do. Absolutely.

299
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:11,040
Carry on. I've got
a big, stone cock-ring in my head.

300
00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:14,040
He invented the navy.
He made all sorts of differences.

301
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:17,120
He was
an important political figure.

302
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:20,520
But all we remember him for
is some business involving cakes.

303
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:22,040
Yeah.

304
00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:23,960
You, for example, may yet, Stephen,

305
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:26,760
be remembered for something
pathetically insignificant.

306
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:30,320
Absolutely. I once
dropped a pack of Abbey Crunch.

307
00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:32,720
- You're so posh.
- They're not posh!

308
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,560
You really...they are posh biscuits!

309
00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:36,040
Oh, stop it.

310
00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:39,240
Posh biscuits are ones that are
cooked for you by your pastry chef.

311
00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:45,960
Actually, there's a true story

312
00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:49,240
about...I think it was the Duke of
Devonshire, but it may not have been.

313
00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:50,720
Oh...I can't believe you.

314
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:52,200
In the Second World War,

315
00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:54,000
they would have people
from the Ministry of Labour

316
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:55,480
going round, checking on everybody,

317
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:56,960
and particularly
on the big estates,

318
00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:59,160
to see if some all these
people...some could be released

319
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:00,640
for essential war work.

320
00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:03,040
And they went to Chatsworth, one
of the Duke of Devonshire's estates.

321
00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:05,280
They had a stopwatch, and clipboard,
and they checked everybody.

322
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:07,440
And, eventually,
they had an interview with the Duke.

323
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:08,880
And they said, 'Well, Your Grace,

324
00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:11,360
we can understand
that you need 47 gardeners,

325
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:15,080
and 13 other gardeners. And you need
grooms, and you need chauffeurs,

326
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:17,360
and you need upstairs maids,
and downstairs maids,

327
00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:20,000
and in between maids, and laundry
room maids, and stillroom maids,

328
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,640
and kitchen maids, and nurse maids,
and house maids.

329
00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:24,120
And we can understand

330
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,280
that you need the boy
to scrape the knives and boots,

331
00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:28,680
and you need the butler, and the
four footmen, and the under-butler.

332
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,720
But we wonder
if a man economy might be made.

333
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:33,480
Does Your Grace necessarily
need two pastry cooks?'

334
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:35,600
To which he apparently replied,
'Oh, damn it.

335
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:38,280
Can't a man have a biscuit?'

336
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:41,920
(Laughter)
Which is...I mean, you know,

337
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:45,440
we're all prepared
to make sacrifices to beat the Hun,

338
00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:49,520
but, I mean, really!
That's going a bit far, isn't it?

339
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:53,600
Peter Ustinov
had rather a good story about...

340
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:55,640
..he said he was at school,
it was so posh

341
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:59,400
that on school sports day,
they had a chauffeurs' race.

342
00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:05,960
Of course, we call posh cake
'gateur', don't we?

343
00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:09,360
And the French
call posh cake 'le cake'.

344
00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:11,480
Yes, that's true.

345
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:14,760
Do you know what 'biscuit' means?
What its derivation is?

346
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:17,880
- 'Bis-' meaning...
- Chew, Eat. Bit.

347
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:19,800
- ..twice...
- Sweet, hard, coffee cup.

348
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:24,120
'Sweet, hard coffee cup'?!

349
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,720
Sweet, hard
coffee cup accompaniment.

350
00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:30,440
No, it is 'twice-cooked'.
'Biscotti', in Italian...

351
00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:32,480
Oh, biscotti's a biscuit.
They're horrible, though.

352
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:34,320
- They're like bits of shrapnel.
- Yes.

353
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,640
But it's fun
to do that game with the wrapper,

354
00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:39,200
that it flies up in the air.

355
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:40,760
Here's a quite interesting fact.

356
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:42,920
(Laughter)

357
00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:45,120
As we know, at the end
of a marvellous performance,

358
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:46,800
when we see a live show,

359
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:49,280
when you think it's fabulous, and
you want more, you shout, 'Encore!'

360
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,080
- Yes. - But do you know
what the French shout?

361
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:53,880
- 'Bis'? - Oh, yeah.
You do know.-  Yes, yes.

362
00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:56,520
(Laughter)
Sorry.

363
00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:59,920
It means 'twice'. Yeah.

364
00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:02,480
So they're asking
to see the whole damn thing again?

365
00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:07,400
Well, on from biscuits. Fingers on
buzzers now, for our next question.

366
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:09,600
Who invented straight roads?

367
00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:11,600
(Generic mobile phone ringtone)

368
00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:14,840
- Alan.
- The Romans.

369
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:17,080
(Siren sounds, alarm bells ring)
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

370
00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:18,880
- I knew it!
- Yeah, I'm afraid not.

371
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:21,640
You haven't caught me, or anything,
'cause I knew that was gonna happen.

372
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:23,400
Did you, did you? Yes.

373
00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:25,000
And I'll have you know
that they did.

374
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:27,680
No, they didn't.

375
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,240
They did!

376
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:31,800
They rebuilt a lot of straight roads
that were already there.

377
00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:36,680
The Romans would make a road
that would go 50, 100 miles.

378
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:39,080
- Yes. - Stane Street, that goes
from Chichester to London

379
00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:41,200
is 60 or 70 miles long.

380
00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:44,880
No-one thought to go that far
in a straight line until they did.

381
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:47,080
I think, in terms of distance,
you may well be right -

382
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:48,680
that they probably built
the longest straight roads...

383
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:50,680
People would come across
a Roman road, and go, 'Blimey!

384
00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:52,160
This must be a Roman road.

385
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:54,960
They invented going really,
really far in a straight line.

386
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,720
Yes. Which wasn't the question,
sadly.

387
00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:58,440
(Laughter)

388
00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:01,760
Oh, would that it had been.

389
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:05,040
But the Romans, presumably, never,
in the end, really got anywhere.

390
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,920
because all roads lead to Rome.

391
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:09,720
- Indeed.
- (Mock laughs)

392
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:14,600
No. There was a dense network
of roads in the pre-Roman Iron Age,

393
00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:17,720
of very straight roads. But you're
quite right - they weren't as vast.

394
00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:19,200
Do you know that in America,

395
00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:21,440
some of the roads in the Midwest
are so straight,

396
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:23,000
and go on straight for so long

397
00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:25,200
that then,
they have to make a right turn,

398
00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:27,720
- and then go straight again.
- Really?

399
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:29,280
Because people go loopy, is it?

400
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:32,640
No, no - to account for
the curvature of the earth,

401
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:34,920
so that it conforms to the map.

402
00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:36,680
Good God.

403
00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:39,480
That's fantastic.
Well, there you are.

404
00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:41,160
And do you know that in Montana,

405
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:44,720
a policeman will pull you over
because he's lonely?

406
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:46,320
(Laughter)
Oh!

407
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:48,200
It's happened to me all the time.

408
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:51,920
Why do the Americans
drive on the right?

409
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:55,400
Well, I guess because
we invented the (BLEEP) car.

410
00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:57,840
(Laughter)

411
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:01,440
I'm awfully sorry
to put you right on that,

412
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:03,480
but you didn't even come close
to inventing the car.

413
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:05,960
We invented the first...

414
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:09,200
There were at least two Germans
who got there way before you!

415
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:10,800
Another proof, of course,

416
00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:14,280
is that in Ireland, there were
many, many straight roads,

417
00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:17,480
and the Irish were never
invaded by the Romans, were you?

418
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:19,640
No. They never got as far as us.
Absolutely not.

419
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:21,560
Which we actually do regret
to this day,

420
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:24,080
'cause we have no great architecture
that dates back to then.

421
00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:25,520
We have a lack of...

422
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:27,320
You've got Cromlix.

423
00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:29,520
Well, we have our own little,
you know, mounds, and stuff,

424
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:31,040
that we're quite happy with,

425
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:33,800
that I had to drag my sorry arse
around at school trips

426
00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:36,680
- for a few years. - 'Boys, we're off
to see a mound today.'

427
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:39,480
Yeah. And our imagination
ran riot -

428
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:40,920
but it was never what we expected.

429
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:46,080
And do you know why the grass is greener
in Ireland than over here?

430
00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:47,760
Is it because of
limestone in the ground?

431
00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:50,240
No - it's 'cause you're all
over here, walking on ours.

432
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,200
(Laughter, applause)

433
00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:58,280
Which brings us, neatly,
to the point where fools rush in,

434
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,160
and Alans fear to tread,

435
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,480
which is our dose
of General Ignorance round, now.

436
00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:04,720
So fingers on buzzers again,
if you would, please.

437
00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:07,840
What is the collective noun
for a group of baboons?

438
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,760
(Saw cuts through wood)

439
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:12,760
- Yay.
- The Pentagon.

440
00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:17,440
Fantastic! (Laughs)

441
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:23,440
Funnily enough, American politics
has a lot to do with it.

442
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:25,880
And not only is the Pentagon
an organ of American power,

443
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:29,800
- but so is their house...
- Capitol Hill. The White House.

444
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:32,600
- The House of Representatives.
- The House of Baboons?

445
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:34,040
- It's the Congress.
- The Congress.

446
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,200
- It's 'a congress of baboons'?
- Yeah.

447
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:38,440
But the reason we ask the question...
(Mobile phone ringtone)

448
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:40,400
- Congress of baboons.
- Very good.

449
00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:44,000
But there is a quite interesting fact
about a new word

450
00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:45,520
that is
beginning to replace 'congress'.

451
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:47,320
And it has a very odd history,
this word.

452
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:50,360
It comes from a comedy sketch
on BBC Television,

453
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:52,840
in a series
called Not the Nine O'Clock News.

454
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:55,640
There was a sketch
called Gerald the Gorilla...

455
00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:57,560
- Oh, yeah.
- ..in which Rowan Atkinson played...

456
00:20:57,840 --> 00:20:59,800
- 'Wild?' - He makes mention...
that's right.

457
00:21:00,120 --> 00:21:02,440
'Wild? I was furious.' Exactly.
'The production on that album...'

458
00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:04,880
But there's a point

459
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:06,440
where he talks about a group,

460
00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:08,600
'or "flange",
as we call them, of gorillas'.

461
00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:12,280
And this was just made up by Richard
Curtis, or whoever wrote the sketch,

462
00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:15,320
for that particular sketch.
But it's now on the Net.

463
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:16,960
And there is...I can quote you here,

464
00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:20,120
from a book called Sex and Friendship
in Baboons, by Barbara B Smuts.

465
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:22,280
This is a review...
(Laughter)

466
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:25,520
- He's read every book in the world.
- Yeah. (Laughs)

467
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,760
This is a review on amazon.com,
and it's a serious academic study.

468
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:30,520
And it says,
'In this marvellous book,

469
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:33,440
Smuts draws from years
of painstaking field research,

470
00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:36,280
in which she followed around
a flange of Chacma baboons

471
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:38,800
in the Matetsi Game Reserve,
in Zimbabwe.

472
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:42,520
And there, a word has migrated from
a comedy sketch into the internet

473
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:45,880
is now being used by academics
as the official word.

474
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:47,600
And, while on the subject of animals,

475
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:50,680
who can tell me which mammals
have the most bones in their noses?

476
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:54,160
(Mobile phone ringtone)
Yep, Alan.

477
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:57,680
- Crocodiles.
- It isn't crocodiles, as it happens.

478
00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:59,920
I was gonna say elephants,
but I think that's really stupid.

479
00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:03,280
(Siren sounds, alarm bells ring,
laughter)

480
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:06,200
- Thank you. Oh, bless you.
Most obliged. - Anteaters.

481
00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:07,880
Yes, I did it
to please the researcher.

482
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,280
- Did you say 'anteaters'?
- Yes.

483
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:12,320
Well, the answer is an anteater,
so you should have some points.

484
00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:14,560
A particular kind. Probably
the most famous kind of anteater,

485
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:16,120
- in some ways.
- Aardvark.

486
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:20,360
Aardvark is the right answer.
It has nine or ten.

487
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:21,920
Do you know, I can say, in Danish,

488
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:25,000
'I have
spilt coffee on the anteater'?

489
00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:27,560
(Laughter)

490
00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:29,600
I would like
you to do that for us now.

491
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:33,040
Jeg har spildt kaffe pa Myresluger!

492
00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:35,320
(Applause)

493
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:41,960
Elephants, of course, have
no bones in their noses whatsoever.

494
00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:46,280
So our next question is, according
to the inventor of Centigrade,

495
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:50,600
- what's the boiling point of water?
- I'm not gonna fall for that.

496
00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:52,040
- (Hammer strikes nail)
Yes? - Oh, dear, no.

497
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:53,560
I'm gonna say something stupid,
aren't I?

498
00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:55,400
100 degrees.

499
00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:56,960
- (Siren sounds, alarm bells ring)
Oh, dear. - (Cheers)

500
00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:58,640
Yeah...it's so obvious.

501
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:00,880
It's obvious, and you'd think
it's a reasonable thing to say.

502
00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:02,920
The inventor Centigrade
was a man called Anders...

503
00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:05,240
- Celcius.
- Celcius is quite right.

504
00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:09,280
From 1701 to 1744, he lived.
A short but fruitful life.

505
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:11,360
He spent all that time
going, 'Ooh, that's hot.'

506
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:14,760
'That's hot, that's cold,
and that's hot.'

507
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:16,240
'But that's quite chilly.'

508
00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:18,280
'I should call that "one"'.

509
00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:26,360
He decided that water should boil
at zero degrees,

510
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:28,400
and that ice would melt at 100.

511
00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:31,040
Of course, nought is actually, now -
of course, it's the other way round.

512
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:33,280
Nought is not the point at which
water freezes, in Centigrade.

513
00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:37,360
It's the point at which ice melts.
Yeah.

514
00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:38,840
Zero is actually more than that.

515
00:23:39,120 --> 00:23:40,280
And I'm giving you
a scientific fact,

516
00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:42,080
because I don't wish
to be associated with diarrhoea

517
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:43,600
for the rest of the show.

518
00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:45,520
Zero's actually
the triple point of water.

519
00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:48,760
It's the first temperature at which
water can exist in all three states,

520
00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:51,400
because you can actually get water
vapour, which is at zero, as well.

521
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:53,440
Oh, very good.
You must have some points for that.

522
00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:55,600
- and this round of applause.
- Thank you very much.

523
00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:58,280
(Applause)
You'll like that.

524
00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:02,840
That was a consolation point.

525
00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:05,240
And, in particular, because it's for
the private moment I had there,

526
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:07,640
where I remembered when
I was told that, in school, at 16,

527
00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:09,160
and went,
'When the (BLEEP)

528
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:10,960
am I ever gonna use
that piece of information?'

529
00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:13,600
Oh! Hooray! It happened. You see?

530
00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:16,280
But here's one - which is colder,
minus 40 Centigrade,

531
00:24:16,560 --> 00:24:17,920
or minus 40 Fahrenheit?

532
00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:19,840
Minus 40 Centigrade.

533
00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:22,000
- No, they're both actually exactly
the same. - They're both the same.

534
00:24:22,320 --> 00:24:23,600
The one point
at which they're the same.

535
00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:25,120
It's where they meet.

536
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:26,600
So which came first,
Celcius, or Fahrenheit?

537
00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:28,040
Fahrenheit came first.

538
00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:29,520
The interesting thing
about the British

539
00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:31,760
is, what we do is, we use Centigrade
when it's cold,

540
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:33,680
- and we use Fahrenheit when it's hot.
- Yes.

541
00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:35,560
So we go, 'Ooh!'
when it's hot in summer,

542
00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:37,040
and goes to the 90s, it's '92'.

543
00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:40,120
But when it's really cold, we go,
'God, it's minus three! Minus five!'

544
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:43,720
You don't say, 'It's 28,' which
is what it would be in Fahrenheit.

545
00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:45,760
We do.
We're very consistent, aren't we?

546
00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:49,520
Well, from that, to,
what did Mussolini do?

547
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:51,040
(Generic mobile phone ringtone)

548
00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:53,600
- Made the trains run on time.
- (Siren sounds, alarm bells ring)

549
00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:55,520
(Laughter)

550
00:24:58,200 --> 00:24:59,840
No, he didn't.

551
00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:03,080
You could argue he made
one particular train run on time.

552
00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:06,160
In 1922,
there was a general strike in Italy,

553
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:07,880
much to the annoyance
of many Italian people,

554
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:09,960
and certainly to the annoyance
of the king, Umberto.

555
00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:13,080
And the Fascists,
who were led by Mussolini,

556
00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:15,080
were gathered in Naples,

557
00:25:15,360 --> 00:25:16,840
and Mussolini
made this ferocious speech,

558
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:20,360
saying, 'We shall march on Rome,
and we shall sort this out.

559
00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:22,360
We shall seize power
if we are not offered it,

560
00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:23,880
and we shall end this strike.'

561
00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:26,480
And 'Roma, Roma, Roma, we shouted.'
And the famous march on Rome began.

562
00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:30,520
Mussolini himself went to Milan.
(Chuckles)

563
00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:32,560
Didn't go on the march,
'cause he was rather scared.

564
00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:34,720
He was quaking in his jackboots.

565
00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:36,520
But it turned out
to be a great success.

566
00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:38,000
And the king offered him power,

567
00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:41,080
and said he must get on the train
from Milan, where he was, to Rome.

568
00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:43,720
and I will
offer you the prime ministership.

569
00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:45,920
So he rang up
the stationmaster at Milan,

570
00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:48,400
and said,
'This train has to run on time.'

571
00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:50,800
And it was the one train
he definitely made run on time.

572
00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:53,000
But all the other improvements
in the Italian transport system

573
00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:54,680
were actually made
before he came to power.

574
00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:57,400
Garibaldi -
that's a type of biscuit.

575
00:25:57,600 --> 00:25:59,440
It certainly is a type of biscuit.

576
00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:02,000
And it cracks.
That's the difference.

577
00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:06,920
- You can't crack a cake.
- (Laughs) No.

578
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:09,400
Good. Well, that's all very
exciting. That's Mussolini for you.

579
00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:11,960
No evidence that he made the Italian
trains run on time at all.

580
00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:13,480
Let's have another question.

581
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:17,920
Which eye
did Nelson wear his eye-patch on?

582
00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:21,520
Anybody have a thought?
(Generic mobile phone ringtone)

583
00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:22,960
- Yes?
- The right eye.

584
00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:25,720
(Siren sounds, alarm bells ring)

585
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:28,400
- It was a little unfair...
- He didn't wear one.

586
00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:29,880
- He didn't wear one, ever.
- Oh.

587
00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:31,400
He never wore an eye-patch.

588
00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:33,160
Never wore an eye-patch -
he just went like that.

589
00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:36,280
Yes. Only in Ladybird books
did he wear an eye-patch.

590
00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:39,160
He was a very strange man, Nelson.

591
00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:43,280
He bought, for about 25 shillings,
these silver stars.

592
00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:46,720
He was given all kinds of titles
by the King of Naples,

593
00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:48,920
and he bought them all,
and put them on a sash,

594
00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:52,480
and stood on the quarterdeck
of the Victory like this,

595
00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:54,880
covered in shining stars.

596
00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:58,000
And, from 50 feet away,
the French shot him,

597
00:26:58,320 --> 00:26:59,840
not surprisingly.
(Laughter)

598
00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:03,920
He never actually lost an eye.
He just lost the sight of his eye.

599
00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:06,920
Did you know that Lady Hamilton
was vastly overweight,

600
00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:08,600
and had a Lancashire accent?

601
00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:10,640
I thought
you were gonna say 'overrated' then.

602
00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:13,400
I'll give her a six,
or, you know...

603
00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:17,360
It seems a bit unfair
on anyone watching from Lancashire

604
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:22,200
that you seem to yoke together fat
with 'and a Lancashire accent'.

605
00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:24,480
I'm only trying to make the point
that it's surprising.

606
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:25,960
It's not what you think.

607
00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:29,160
If you watch Vivian Leigh play her
opposite Laurence Olivier,

608
00:27:29,360 --> 00:27:30,640
in the film...

609
00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:32,360
She doesn't
talk like Liam Gallagher.

610
00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:33,840
She doesn't say,

611
00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:36,480
'Ooh, I wouldn't 'ave him
if he came in a nest of tables.'

612
00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:37,960
(Laughter)

613
00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:41,040
You know,
it's not that kind of thing.

614
00:27:41,360 --> 00:27:43,680
So that's all from us.
Let's look at the scores.

615
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:47,200
In last place, we have Alan,
with minus 20, I'm sorry to say.

616
00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:49,800
(Applause)

617
00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:55,240
Just ahead is Arthur Smith,
with minus 18.

618
00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:58,760
(Applause)

619
00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:03,480
On plus two points,
it's Rich Hall, on 2,

620
00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:06,200
and our runaway winner, on 4 points,
is Dara O'Briain.

621
00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:08,400
(Cheers, applause)

622
00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:16,360
Well, there you are. So that's all
from Rich, Arthur, Dara, Alan and me.

623
00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:17,880
As they say in Ireland,

624
00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:20,680
may you get to heaven a half-hour
before the devil knows you're dead.

625
00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:22,200
Goodnight.

626
00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:24,360
(Applause)

627
00:28:54,560 --> 00:28:57,440
Closed Captions by CSI