1 00:00:07,060 --> 00:00:08,860 (Theme music) 2 00:00:24,380 --> 00:00:26,500 (Cheering and applause) 3 00:00:32,420 --> 00:00:37,140 Hello, hello, hello, hello, and welcome to QI 4 00:00:37,460 --> 00:00:39,460 for another handful of pickled herrings 5 00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:41,620 from the groaning smorgasbord of knowledge. 6 00:00:41,900 --> 00:00:44,620 And joining me tonight in the bistro of bewilderment are - 7 00:00:44,900 --> 00:00:46,500 Rich Hall... (Applause and cheering) 8 00:00:46,700 --> 00:00:48,100 ..Fred MacAulay, 9 00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:50,620 Jo Brand and Alan Davies. 10 00:00:50,860 --> 00:00:52,620 (Applause) 11 00:00:54,500 --> 00:00:56,140 Well, let's tuck in, shall we? Rich? 12 00:00:56,420 --> 00:00:57,940 (Popping champagne cork) 13 00:00:58,220 --> 00:01:00,180 And Fred. (Pouring drink) 14 00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:01,740 Ah... 15 00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:03,820 Jo. (Fizz) 16 00:01:06,020 --> 00:01:08,100 And Alan. (Burp) 17 00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:10,060 (Laughter) 18 00:01:10,340 --> 00:01:11,580 Naturellement. 19 00:01:11,900 --> 00:01:15,180 "B" is for bottle, Burgundy, barbeque and, as Alan has shown us, burp. 20 00:01:15,500 --> 00:01:18,060 And the start of the day as well, which is "biography". 21 00:01:18,300 --> 00:01:22,260 So, this question - who first discovered that the world was round? 22 00:01:23,860 --> 00:01:26,500 - It's flat, isn't it? - (Laughter) 23 00:01:26,780 --> 00:01:28,860 - Is it gonna be a trick question? - It is. 24 00:01:30,420 --> 00:01:32,460 - You're cagey from the first. - Right from the off. 25 00:01:32,740 --> 00:01:35,580 Right from the off, you're cagey. Any thoughts? 26 00:01:35,860 --> 00:01:37,860 - Copernicus. - Not Copernicus. 27 00:01:38,180 --> 00:01:39,900 - Galileo. - Not Gali... 28 00:01:40,140 --> 00:01:42,100 Someone with a telescope worked it out. 29 00:01:42,380 --> 00:01:44,580 They would be able to work out that the moon was round 30 00:01:44,860 --> 00:01:46,980 but the telescope is not that useful for looking at the Earth. 31 00:01:47,180 --> 00:01:48,420 (Fizz) Yes? 32 00:01:48,620 --> 00:01:49,900 Is it Len Murray? 33 00:01:50,180 --> 00:01:51,700 (Laughter) 34 00:01:51,980 --> 00:01:55,140 - Are you talking about the... - The General Secretary of the TVC? 35 00:01:55,460 --> 00:01:56,620 - ..of the TVC? - Yeah, I am. 36 00:01:56,900 --> 00:01:58,140 - Len Murray? - Not him? No. 37 00:01:58,460 --> 00:02:01,380 - No, it wasn't him. In fact... - He discovered the potato was round. 38 00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:02,860 He discovered the potato was round. 39 00:02:03,220 --> 00:02:04,380 Was it somebody with a boat? 40 00:02:04,580 --> 00:02:06,220 It wasn't, no. Indeed, it's... 41 00:02:06,500 --> 00:02:09,180 We're talking about something perhaps, 42 00:02:09,500 --> 00:02:10,660 or at least, something that isn't human. 43 00:02:10,940 --> 00:02:12,100 - A bird. - Not a birdy. 44 00:02:12,420 --> 00:02:13,620 - They fly... - Fish! 45 00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:15,460 - ..all over the... Fish! - Nor a fish. 46 00:02:15,740 --> 00:02:17,700 - Good, though. You're along the right lines. - Whales? 47 00:02:18,020 --> 00:02:19,180 - Nor whales. - Dolphins? Sharks? 48 00:02:19,500 --> 00:02:20,700 - No, not sea animals at all. - Sea... 49 00:02:20,980 --> 00:02:22,180 - Not the sea. - Land.- Land. 50 00:02:23,780 --> 00:02:25,140 - A panda. - Bees! Flies! 51 00:02:25,420 --> 00:02:26,980 - "Bees" is the right answer! - Using their thing and... 52 00:02:27,260 --> 00:02:31,300 Bees. They can reckon on the position of the sun even at night. 53 00:02:31,580 --> 00:02:34,060 Even whilst eating pollen, they can keep an eye on it. 54 00:02:34,300 --> 00:02:35,980 (Laughter) 55 00:02:36,260 --> 00:02:39,540 Termite mounds go round 56 00:02:39,740 --> 00:02:41,460 in a spiral like that 57 00:02:41,780 --> 00:02:44,260 because as the termites build them in the day, 58 00:02:44,500 --> 00:02:45,980 they stay out of the sun. 59 00:02:46,220 --> 00:02:47,500 So, the sun goes round 60 00:02:47,780 --> 00:02:49,500 - and they go round like that. - Staying cool. 61 00:02:49,740 --> 00:02:51,300 - Quite interesting? - It is quite interesting. 62 00:02:51,620 --> 00:02:52,860 - Very good. - Yes, I know. Well, it is. 63 00:02:53,060 --> 00:02:55,260 It's not about bees, though, is it? 64 00:02:55,540 --> 00:02:57,060 Well, what is about bees is they also have 65 00:02:57,380 --> 00:02:58,740 the most developed magnetic sense of any animal 66 00:02:58,980 --> 00:03:01,980 and if you put a strong magnet next to one of those, a honeycomb, 67 00:03:02,260 --> 00:03:03,540 it completely changes the shape 68 00:03:03,780 --> 00:03:05,580 into something that's never seen in nature - 69 00:03:05,860 --> 00:03:08,300 a cylindrical-shaped honeycomb. If you put a magnet next to it. 70 00:03:08,580 --> 00:03:11,260 Yeah, but you would be stung to death if you did that, wouldn't you? 71 00:03:11,540 --> 00:03:13,060 Well, it's true, it wouldn't be a wise proceeding. 72 00:03:13,340 --> 00:03:15,100 - You could wear one of those amusing costumes. - Yeah. 73 00:03:16,700 --> 00:03:18,780 Can I ask Alan? You know, on a cloudy day, 74 00:03:18,980 --> 00:03:20,340 do the termites really just... 75 00:03:20,620 --> 00:03:21,980 - They really motor upwards. - I bet. 76 00:03:22,220 --> 00:03:23,820 (Laughter) 77 00:03:24,020 --> 00:03:26,020 They probably do. They probably do. 78 00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:28,060 You can see the termite mound goes swervy 79 00:03:28,380 --> 00:03:29,700 and then, whoop suddenly, and then... 80 00:03:31,300 --> 00:03:34,900 Bees are very interesting animals, or at least, quite interesting. 81 00:03:35,220 --> 00:03:37,780 Most bees, what happens when they sting you? 82 00:03:38,060 --> 00:03:40,420 - They die. - No, they don't. Odd enough. 83 00:03:40,700 --> 00:03:41,940 - Only the... - Yes, they do. 84 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,160 Only the honey... (Laughter) 85 00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:44,720 - Yes, they do. - Only the honeybee. 86 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:46,640 They've got one sting. Wasps have more than one sting. 87 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:48,640 No. Only one species of bee... 88 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,840 You're not allowed to kill bees. You can kill wasps, though. 89 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:52,360 (Laughter) 90 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:54,160 Only one type of bee, which is the honeybee, 91 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:56,000 leaves its sting behind and dies 92 00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:58,240 but all the other species of bees - and there are many - 93 00:03:58,440 --> 00:03:59,680 can sting you repeatedly. 94 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:01,280 And, actually, there are several species of wasp 95 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:02,800 that die when they sting you. 96 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:04,760 So, if you're stung by an animal that has died, 97 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:06,440 it's more likely to have been a wasp. 98 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:09,320 I think you'll find that if a bee has stung me inside my house, 99 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:11,240 - it's likely to die. - (Laughter) 100 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:13,520 Exactly. (Laughs) 101 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:16,160 I'm not surprised. 102 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:18,920 Honey - Eddie Izzard once observed that it was very odd 103 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:20,360 that bees make honey. 104 00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:22,760 "Earwigs," he said, "don't make chutney". 105 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:24,440 Which was... (Laughter) 106 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:27,520 It takes 12 bees an entire lifetime 107 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:29,600 to make enough honey to fill a teaspoon. 108 00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:32,120 So, the lifetime of 12 bees... 109 00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:34,520 And you go into a supermarket and you see all those jars, 110 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:36,440 think how many bees have been working away... 111 00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:40,480 And if it's a 125ml jar, it'll take 300 bees. 112 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,520 (Laughter) 113 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:44,480 (Applause) 114 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:48,200 Fantastic. 115 00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:50,680 What a loss to the accountancy profession. 116 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:52,160 (Laughter) 117 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,520 - Those are hexagons. - They ARE hexagons. 118 00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:56,800 Little six-sided bee cells. Brilliant. 119 00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:58,760 - Why? - (Laughter) 120 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:01,040 But why do they make hexagon shapes? 121 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:04,720 The hexagonal form uses the minimum amount of wax 122 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:07,360 for the maximum amount of storage in a given area. 123 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:08,800 I'll just finish off this thing. 124 00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:10,400 Honeybees have evolved a complex language 125 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:13,000 to tell each other where the best nectar is 126 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:15,320 using the sun as a reference point. 127 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,640 Amazingly, they can also do this on overcast days and at night 128 00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:21,680 by calculating the position of the sun on the other side of the world. 129 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:23,960 This means they can actually learn and store information... 130 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:27,760 Has it occurred to you that they may not be using the sun? 131 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:29,720 (Laughter) 132 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:31,640 That whoever has worked that out is wrong. 133 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:33,160 (Laughter) 134 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,320 And he's now saying, "Even when you can't see it, 135 00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:38,600 or it's on the other side of the world, they still use it." 136 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,120 And the bees are thinking, 137 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:41,960 "No, we don't, we just remember where we live!" 138 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:44,000 (Laughter and applause) 139 00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:51,160 Why is it so remarkable that they know where they live? 140 00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:54,640 Well, because they have only 950,000 neurons 141 00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:57,440 as opposed to our 10 billion neurons in our brains. 142 00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:59,720 But, they've only got one thing to remember - where they live. 143 00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:01,720 (Laughter) 144 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:03,640 They've got a lot more to remember! 145 00:06:03,840 --> 00:06:05,480 (Applause) 146 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:12,040 How come I've got 10 billion and sometimes I forget where I live? 147 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:13,600 Exactly! 148 00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:17,920 Which brings us to our next question, which is - why do bees buzz? 149 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:19,960 (Fizz) Jo. 150 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:21,440 Because they can. 151 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:23,200 (Some laughter) 152 00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:25,840 They buzz so that when they're trapped in the living room, 153 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:27,320 you know to open a window. 154 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:29,480 (Laughter) It's a thought. 155 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:33,160 Is it to, um, to sound industrious? 156 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:35,120 Yeah, could be. 157 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:38,360 You have to look at bees as aerospace workers. 158 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,440 Right. 159 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:44,320 - And... Stay with me. - Yeah, I'm with you. 160 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:46,640 (Laughter) It's all right. I'm still there. 161 00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:50,440 When you're flying, you want to make a lot of noise. 162 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:55,240 Because a quiet aircraft 163 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:59,000 - is...crashing. - (Laughs) Yeah... 164 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:04,040 - Well... - I think it's their knees knocking 165 00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:06,280 that makes the buzzing, isn't it? Because they hate flying. 166 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:09,160 - (Laughter) - Terrified of flying. 167 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:11,360 - What is it that makes the noise? - The wings. 168 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:13,360 (Klaxons) 169 00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:17,480 No. No, it isn't, I'm afraid. 170 00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:20,120 - Not the wings, then? - No. It won't be the wings. 171 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:21,760 Ah...testicles? 172 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,560 (Laughter) 173 00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:25,280 Their little tiny mouths. Bzz! 174 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:28,480 Well, it is sort of little mouths. 175 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:30,280 It's through what they breathe and they're called spiracles. 176 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,360 They have them down their sides, through which they breathe. 177 00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:35,600 All buzzing insects - bluebottles are the same - 178 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:37,040 it's not the wings. 179 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,280 Less than one percent of the buzz comes from their wings. 180 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:43,280 Bees breathe through 14 holes along the sides of their bodies 181 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:46,480 and they're called spiracles and each one has a valve 182 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,680 to limit the flow of air, which the bee can do, 183 00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:50,720 and they can tune it rather like a trumpeter 184 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:52,320 sort of using his lips. What's that called? 185 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:54,760 - Embrouchere or whatever it's called... - Yes. 186 00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:56,480 - Embouchure. - (Laughter) 187 00:07:56,760 --> 00:08:00,280 And in the same way that one human lung on a trumpet 188 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:02,480 can fill a vast hall with a great sound 189 00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:04,840 more than it can with its own vocal cords, 190 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:06,880 so a bee can make this extraordinary noise 191 00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:08,720 just through controlling its breathing. 192 00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:11,400 - Isn't science marvellous? - It is! 193 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:13,200 (Laughs) 194 00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:16,120 Are humans the only species that make unnecessary noise? 195 00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:17,720 Oh, that's an interesting idea. 196 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:19,760 Nah, dogs. (Barks) 197 00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:24,360 I mean, do you think any animals just sit around and hum, or just... 198 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:25,880 - Whistle? - (Blows a raspberry) 199 00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:27,640 (Laughter) 200 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:29,920 Or talk inanely. Alan? 201 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:31,520 (Laughter) 202 00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:33,000 Do you think that happens at all? 203 00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:35,200 That's why there are no panel shows in the animal kingdom. 204 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:36,840 (Laughter) 205 00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:39,520 As to other animals also beginning with Bs, 206 00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:42,000 "Can barnacles grow wings?" is the question. 207 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:46,000 I do know one thing about barnacles. I'm afraid it's rude but... 208 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:47,480 Go on. 209 00:08:47,680 --> 00:08:49,320 ..that relatively speaking, 210 00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:53,240 they have the biggest penis of any existing creature, 211 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:57,160 which is five times the length of their shell. 212 00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:00,120 Seven times the length, I've got down here, but maybe it was... 213 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:02,240 Oh, you're exaggerating, like blokes always do. 214 00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:05,240 Typical barnacle. 215 00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:10,280 Well, up until recently, it was thought that barnacles 216 00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:13,640 were the embryos of the barnacle goose. 217 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:15,120 What fool thought that? 218 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:16,720 (Laughs) I'll tell you... 219 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:19,200 It IS a bit silly-sounding. There's a barnacle goose, 220 00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:22,680 which is named "Anser hiberniculae" after the Latin 221 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:25,560 and that got shortened to "hiberniculae" became "bernica", 222 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:27,080 which became "barnacle". 223 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:28,760 These geese breed in the Arctic 224 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:31,440 and so no-one had ever seen them mate or lay eggs. 225 00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:32,920 When they arrived in the summer, 226 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:35,120 at the same time there would be a lot of driftwood 227 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:36,800 coming in off the sea covered in barnacles 228 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:38,680 and people just made the weird assumption 229 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,600 that the barnacles must be the baby barnacle geese. 230 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:44,480 But barnacles growing on ships can increase 231 00:09:44,680 --> 00:09:46,280 the inefficiency by a huge amount. 232 00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:48,880 - Barnacles growing on chips? - Ships, dear. Ships. 233 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:50,680 (Some laughter) 234 00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:53,240 - That really worried you. - Oh, it would. 235 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:55,560 How long would you have to leave a chip lying about 236 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:57,080 for a barnacle to grow on it? 237 00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:00,040 It's not going to happen in my house! 238 00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:02,720 The way they glue themselves to things are very, very tough, 239 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:07,080 and scientists are currently looking at it as a kind of dental cement. 240 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:09,480 Better than, you know, Poligrip, or whatever these things are, 241 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:12,200 that they advertise round about during Countdown, for some reason. 242 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:15,920 They always advertise these strange things taht keep teeth together, 243 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,440 and ways of lowering yourself into a bath. 244 00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:23,720 You know, when WH Auden got old, the poet... 245 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:25,840 - Oh, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, alright. 246 00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:27,320 This is a good one, this. 247 00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:31,040 When he was old, he had an incredibly lined face, 248 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:32,520 - really like a native... - JO: Jowly. 249 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:34,960 ..really, kind of, craggy lines, you know, 250 00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:37,880 like Chief Joseph, or one of those really, kind of... 251 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:39,320 ..David Hockney, one of his first commissions... 252 00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:41,200 - Painter. - ..yes, well done. 253 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:44,760 One of his first commissions as a young artists 254 00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,280 was to do a series of drawings of WH Auden, 255 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,480 and Hockney just took one look at Auden, and said, 256 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:52,480 'Blimey. If that's his face, what can his scrotum look like?' 257 00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:54,360 (Groans) 258 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:58,480 How did Nelson keep his men's spirits up after he died? 259 00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:00,160 (Bottle of champagne pops) 260 00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:05,640 Did he allow Hardy to use him as a ventriloquist dummy? 261 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:07,280 No, it wasn't that. 262 00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:09,080 I would think the men would just be inspired 263 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:11,120 by the fact that he just basically slowly dismantled, 264 00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:13,880 instead of dying all at once, you know? 265 00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:16,120 I mean, there was an arm, then there was an eye, 266 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:17,800 then there was, like, a testicle, right? 267 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:21,320 He's, like, dropping parts like a Volkswagen. 268 00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:27,120 The thing is, most sailors, when they die, were thrown overboard - 269 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:30,640 burial at sea - and he asked not to be buried at sea. 270 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:33,240 So he was gonna be taken back from Trafalgar, 271 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:36,120 which is, sort of, off the Spanish coast, to Britain. 272 00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:40,120 So what were they gonna do with his body to make sure it didn't rot? 273 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:41,680 Put it in beer. 274 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:43,280 - Well, not beer, but brandy, actually. - Wine. Brandy. 275 00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:44,920 He was pickled in a barrel of brandy. 276 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:46,720 And they were allowed to drink him, were they? 277 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,720 - Well, they weren't allowed to... - They wanted to. 278 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,280 ..but supposedly, using tubes of macaroni, 279 00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:53,440 they would have a go at this brandy, 280 00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:57,520 and by the time it got to Portsmouth, there was no brandy left... 281 00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,840 ..and a slightly unfortunate-looking Nelson. 282 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:02,840 And to this day, in the navy, they use the phrase 'tapping the admiral', 283 00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:05,200 for having a surreptitious slug of anything alcoholic. 284 00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:07,400 You can just picture them with a macaroni straw, 285 00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:09,120 going...(Slurps.) 'Ooh! Oh, God. That's the... 286 00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:15,120 ..I think that's the other one out!' 287 00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,360 'Have we got another patch?' 288 00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:21,520 But, in fact, sadly, like all these good stories, 289 00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:23,720 it supposedly isn't true. 290 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,920 Now, why are male anglers so pathetic? 291 00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:29,240 (Bottle of champagne pops) Jo Brand. 292 00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:31,400 Because they like fishing. 293 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:34,600 Well, yes. Rich? 294 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:37,600 'Cause they spend £2,000 on equipment, 295 00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:43,000 when you can go to the market, and buy the same thing for £1.89. 296 00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:45,000 There's a good book in this country - 297 00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:47,360 Fly Fishing, by JR Hartley. 298 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,160 Absolutely! The classic. 299 00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:53,800 Why are they pathetic, though? 300 00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:56,800 Well, what we don't need is human male anglers. 301 00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:58,600 There's another type of angler that isn't human. 302 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:00,320 - Oh. - Anglerfish. 303 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,160 Anglerfish. Male anglerfish truly are pathetic. 304 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:06,160 But you can eat them, can't you, anglerfish? I'm sure I've had one. 305 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:08,720 Well, there are shallow anglerfish, and there are very, very deep ones. 306 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:10,760 You wouldn't want to eat that - it's a bit spiny. 307 00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,280 I wouldn't go calling that pathetic to its face, I'll tell you. 308 00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:14,720 - That's the female. - Oh, right. 309 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:16,280 - The female is very impressive. - Ah. 310 00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:19,360 The male has a sad life. It must be the feeblest male in nature. 311 00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:22,600 - Six times smaller than the female... - Aww! 312 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:25,000 ..when they find a mate, they latch onto them with their teeth, 313 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:26,440 and immediately start to disappear - 314 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:29,960 scales, bones, blood vessels all merge into those of the female, 315 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:32,440 and after a week, all that's left are two tiny, little testes, 316 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,480 which leak sperm into the female. 317 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:36,680 I have to say, that sounds very much like my marriage. 318 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:38,680 (Laughter) 319 00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:44,320 Your husband has entirely been subsumed into you? 320 00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:46,360 He has. And he's six times smaller than I am. 321 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:50,000 There are some of those female anglerfish 322 00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:53,440 going around with about eight testicles hanging off them. 323 00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:55,120 It's like an Essex disco. 324 00:13:57,480 --> 00:13:59,440 'That was wine...' 325 00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:02,200 That thing coming out of the top of its head, like that, 326 00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:05,000 is why it's called an 'anglerfish'. It's its little rod, as it were, 327 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:08,120 and it's bio-luminescent - it lights up. 328 00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:11,120 Attracting other innocent, edible fish? 329 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:12,640 Well, that's what used to be thought. 330 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:15,400 They now think it may be the way of attracting the male towards it, 331 00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:16,880 which then gets absorbed. 332 00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:19,280 That brings us on, bio-luminescence, 333 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:22,600 to what comes from Glasgow and glows in the dark. 334 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:24,280 (Champagne bottle pops) 335 00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:27,280 Is it Sir Alex Ferguson's nose? 336 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:34,000 - Is it the River Clyde? - It's not the River Clyde, neither. 337 00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:35,720 We're talking about food. 338 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,880 - Luminous food? - Yes, luminous food. 339 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:41,000 It's an idea that comes from creatures like the anglerfish. 340 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:44,840 Is it a deep-fried Mars Bar with a torch attached to it? 341 00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:46,960 Deep-fried torch? 342 00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:50,240 Well, you're in the right area with deep-fried. 343 00:14:50,520 --> 00:14:54,560 What I believe you call 'carry-outs' - the food to go - 344 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:58,400 what is the most popular food in Britain, supposedly, these days? 345 00:14:58,680 --> 00:14:59,840 - Chips. - (Glass of water is poured) 346 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:01,360 Chicken tikka masala. 347 00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:04,040 Chicken tikka masala, which was invented in Glasgow. 348 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:05,600 - Oh! - And there is one. 349 00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:07,840 Oh, that's a particularly fine example of one! 350 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:09,880 (Laughter) 351 00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:11,360 Maybe a used one, one that's... 352 00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:15,040 ..been through the system, I have a horrible feeling. 353 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:18,920 'Morag! Get me a bed of rice.' 354 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:21,040 (Laughter) 355 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:30,640 - Yes. - 'The children shall eat.' 356 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:37,520 Well, there is a company called BioLume, 357 00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:40,560 which is planning to have food, including curry, 358 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:41,960 that glows in the dark, 359 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:44,800 using extracts of marine creatures that glow. 360 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:48,040 And they want to make beer, in particular, that glows in the dark, 361 00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:50,000 children's fizzy drinks that glow in the dark. 362 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:54,560 Chicken tikka masala is not something that exists in Bangladesh, or India. 363 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,000 The story of it goes 364 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:59,560 that there was a restaurant called The Gaylord, in 1966, 365 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:02,320 that was the first place to serve a proper chicken tandoori. 366 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:04,040 In Glasgow, or London? 367 00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:07,040 It became rather popular...no, in London. Mortimer Street, in London. 368 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:08,920 And, the story goes, 369 00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:11,360 somebody came into a restaurant in Glasgow 370 00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:13,400 where they were serving this new tandoori chicken, 371 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:15,760 and asked for some gravy to go on it. 372 00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:20,680 And the chef improvised with tomato soup, and cream and spices. 373 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:25,000 And up grew this strange creature that is chicken tikka masala, 374 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:26,800 that has no definition - 375 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:30,040 it can be hot, it can be mild, it can be brown, it can be orange, 376 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:32,080 it can be grey - but, according to Robin Cook, 377 00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:33,640 is the great British national dish. 378 00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:36,280 Glad to say, I had a curry once on the Isle of Man, 379 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:37,760 where I was doing a gig. 380 00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:40,960 It was served with a cup of tea, and some bread and butter. 381 00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:44,840 Which I think is fantastic. Don't you? 382 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:46,360 Can I just mention that - 383 00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:49,120 since we're being disparaging about the Scottish diet - 384 00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:52,880 that we don't all eat chips every night. 385 00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:55,760 Sometimes, what we do is, we have some chips, 386 00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:58,360 and leave them aside till the morning. 387 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:02,800 And we have them cold the next day, and that's a salad. 388 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:04,840 (Laughter) 389 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:08,800 Deep-fried pizza is the... and the Mars Bars... 390 00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:10,400 - It's a myth. - It's a myth, is it? 391 00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:12,440 - It's not a myth. - And the Mars Bar, as well. 392 00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,320 It happened once. 393 00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:17,920 He dropped his Mars Bar. 'I'm not wasting that.' 394 00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:22,400 He scorched his hand getting the wrapper off. 395 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:24,280 (Screams) 396 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:27,400 Fantastic. 397 00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:29,800 Supposedly do have the worst teeth, and worst hearts in Europe, though, 398 00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:31,280 - the Scots, don't you? - Yes. 399 00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:33,440 - Oh, your teeth are fine. - They're alright, yeah. 400 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,080 I've started a wee company in Scotland. 401 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:37,880 Using barnacle cement? 402 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:41,320 Well, they're OK, but the cement comes off, and the penis comes out. 403 00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:49,960 We run bus trips to Eastern Europe to show Scottish people worse teeth. 404 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:54,520 Well, while we're in the Balti belt, 405 00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:57,680 where is it possible to live on a diet of smut 406 00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,520 without the neighbours complaining? (Champagne bottle pops) 407 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:04,840 In the green room in Channel Five. 408 00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:07,520 'A diet of smut' is the clue, however. 409 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:10,840 Is it some sort of Norwegian food, or something? 410 00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:13,840 Not Norwegian. It's called 'smut' 'cause it's a sooty, black thing, 411 00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:15,320 in its most primitive form. 412 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:19,960 - Caviar? - No. Really sooty, and smutty, in that sense. 413 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:22,040 - Bits of coal? - No. But a living thing. 414 00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:24,560 - Fungi? - A fungus, exactly. It's a fungus. 415 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:27,800 - Like a little... - Why did the mushroom go to the party? 416 00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:29,480 - No! No! - Oh, not that joke. 417 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:31,520 Why did the mushroom go to the party, Alan? 418 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:33,400 'Cause he was a fun guy. 419 00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:35,360 Lovely. 420 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:37,960 - Lovely. - What's wrong with that joke, then? 421 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:41,920 That's a joke for, like, an imbecile. 422 00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:44,480 (Laughter) 423 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:50,120 You know, of, kind of, 0.7 years old. 424 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,120 - What's brown, and sticky? - Oh, no... 425 00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:55,280 - ..I don't know. - A stick.- Yeah. - (Laughter) 426 00:18:58,200 --> 00:18:59,800 I'm worried by the audience reaction here. 427 00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:01,960 What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? 428 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,360 - A stick. - A stick. 429 00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:06,560 Do you have any other jokes where the punchline's 'a stick'? 430 00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:08,160 - Loads. - Oh, right. 431 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,360 What's orange, and sounds like a parrot? 432 00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:12,160 A carrot. 433 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,920 (Laughter) 434 00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:20,360 What's red, and silly? 435 00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:22,640 A blood clot. 436 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:26,760 Oh, don't look at me like that! 437 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,960 You (BLEEP) pig-eyed sack of shit! 438 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:33,720 (Applause, laughter) Don't you do that! 439 00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:36,440 You've spoiled it. 440 00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:39,160 Oh! What's red, and sits in the corner? 441 00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:41,840 A naughty strawberry. 442 00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:44,600 - Very good. - Rich: What's green, and sings? 443 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:47,120 Elvis Parsley. 444 00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:49,840 Now, the smuts. 445 00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:52,880 Smut fungus - Ustilaginales, or something similar - 446 00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:56,800 is found in Mexico. Particularly where it's prized as a food. 447 00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:59,560 (Accented) Why did the mushroom go to the party? 448 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:02,960 He was a fun guy! 449 00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:07,880 (Laughter and applause) 450 00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:10,400 There we are. (Chuckles) 451 00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:13,880 How do you think the word 'smut' is used to allude to pornography? 452 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:17,320 - 'Cause it's dirty. - Well, where does slut come from? 453 00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:20,080 - Essex. - (Laughter) 454 00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:26,200 So there's a particular slut, the corn smut, which is edible. 455 00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:31,240 And corn smut's been known to the Aztecs for centuries as huitlacoche. 456 00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:33,800 And there it is, a picture of an engaging young corn smut, 457 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:36,640 which has grown a sort of berry, which is the bit you eat. 458 00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:38,440 There you are. 459 00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:42,560 Try the magisterial Illustrated Genera of Smut Fungi by Kalman Vanky. 460 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:44,080 It's a hell of a book. 461 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:46,400 (Laughter) 462 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:50,440 Uh, so, with that rather obscure piece of information, 463 00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:52,640 let's plunge yet deeper into general ignorance. 464 00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:54,200 Fingers on buzzers, please. 465 00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:56,840 What contains the most caffeine - 466 00:20:57,120 --> 00:20:58,640 A cup of tea or a cup of coffee? 467 00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:00,160 (Burp) 468 00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:01,960 Ah, tea. 469 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:04,240 (Siren) 470 00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:07,320 (Laughter) 471 00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:08,480 Oh. 472 00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:11,040 In fact, about three times more caffeine in a cup of coffee 473 00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:12,520 than a cup of tea. 474 00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:14,600 Why did someone tell me it was tea then? 475 00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:17,600 Well, because weight for weight, a pound of tea leaves 476 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,280 contains more caffeine than a pound of coffee beans. 477 00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:21,760 Oh. 478 00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:24,760 But in a cup of same, we get much more... As we know from drinking. 479 00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:26,360 You know, it's kind of experience. 480 00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:28,160 People always say, "Oh, there's more caffeine in tea." 481 00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:29,680 Drink it, you'll get that buzz. 482 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:31,160 But there's actually more caffeine in tea? 483 00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:34,880 Weight for weight, but not in a cup of tea. 484 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:37,240 - Not in a cup of tea. - No. 485 00:21:37,180 --> 00:21:38,940 - But there is more caffeine in tea. - Yep. 486 00:21:39,220 --> 00:21:41,300 But not in a cup of tea, which is the question. 487 00:21:41,580 --> 00:21:43,500 - But not in a cup of tea. - Not in a cup. 488 00:21:43,780 --> 00:21:44,980 Which is what you drink. 489 00:21:45,300 --> 00:21:47,780 You don't tend to just eat tea like that, in huge quantities. 490 00:21:47,980 --> 00:21:49,260 You have a cup of tea, 491 00:21:49,540 --> 00:21:51,660 which has a third as much caffeine as a cup of coffee. 492 00:21:51,860 --> 00:21:53,340 Exactly. Quite right. 493 00:21:53,620 --> 00:21:56,580 What's the only ball game invented entirely in the USA? 494 00:21:56,860 --> 00:21:58,020 - Ball game? - Yeah. 495 00:21:58,340 --> 00:21:59,940 They haven't invented any ball games. 496 00:22:00,220 --> 00:22:02,580 - We invented all ball games... - (Laughter) 497 00:22:02,820 --> 00:22:04,140 ..here in England. 498 00:22:04,380 --> 00:22:05,580 Baseball? 499 00:22:05,860 --> 00:22:08,100 (Siren blares) 500 00:22:08,340 --> 00:22:11,180 (Laughter) 501 00:22:12,340 --> 00:22:15,060 No. As Alan rightly knows, it is an English invention. 502 00:22:15,340 --> 00:22:17,060 No, the English invented that for you. 503 00:22:17,260 --> 00:22:19,380 (Laughter) 504 00:22:19,660 --> 00:22:21,620 It was mentioned by Jane Austen in Northanger Abbey. 505 00:22:21,900 --> 00:22:23,580 - Rounders? - Rounders neither, I'm afraid. 506 00:22:23,900 --> 00:22:26,540 - Netball? - Netball, yes. I'll give you netball. 507 00:22:26,860 --> 00:22:28,620 - Basketball. - You're right, Rich. 508 00:22:28,860 --> 00:22:30,180 Fantastic. Well done. 509 00:22:30,420 --> 00:22:32,220 (Applause) 510 00:22:36,180 --> 00:22:38,340 Basketball and netball were invented by the same person. 511 00:22:38,620 --> 00:22:40,460 Dr James Naismith. University of Kansas. 512 00:22:40,740 --> 00:22:43,340 In fact, he was actually teaching at Springfield, Massachusetts. 513 00:22:43,660 --> 00:22:45,540 - Yeah. - You got lots of points there. 514 00:22:45,820 --> 00:22:48,860 And he was, in fact, Canadian but he invented it in the USA. Yeah. 515 00:22:49,140 --> 00:22:51,740 If you'd said lacrosse, of course, that's also a ball game 516 00:22:52,060 --> 00:22:54,620 but it wasn't the United States of America when that was invented so... 517 00:22:54,940 --> 00:22:57,180 But there it is, basketball specifically invented... 518 00:22:57,460 --> 00:22:59,660 The weird thing about it is, you used an old peach basket. 519 00:22:59,860 --> 00:23:01,580 For 21 years, they played the game 520 00:23:01,900 --> 00:23:04,580 without putting a hole in the bottom of the peach basket. 521 00:23:04,860 --> 00:23:07,180 Someone had to get a step ladder every time there was a basket 522 00:23:07,420 --> 00:23:08,660 and take it out. 523 00:23:08,940 --> 00:23:10,860 You can't play basketball with a peach. 524 00:23:11,140 --> 00:23:12,940 - No, a peach basket. - Peach basket, they used. 525 00:23:13,220 --> 00:23:16,060 - A basket for peaches. - A peach wouldn't bounce. 526 00:23:16,300 --> 00:23:17,820 (Laughter) 527 00:23:18,100 --> 00:23:21,380 No, that's right. (Laughter) 528 00:23:21,580 --> 00:23:23,420 As a short-arse, 529 00:23:23,700 --> 00:23:25,900 I think there should be different divisions for basketball, 530 00:23:26,140 --> 00:23:27,380 different height divisions. 531 00:23:27,580 --> 00:23:29,220 'Cause, obviously, if you're 7'4", 532 00:23:29,500 --> 00:23:31,220 you've got an advantage over somebody like me. 533 00:23:31,500 --> 00:23:36,260 I mean, you don't put little boxers, like Prince Naseem Hamed, 534 00:23:36,460 --> 00:23:37,940 in against Mike Tyson. 535 00:23:38,260 --> 00:23:39,980 Oh, I'd like to see that, I have to say. 536 00:23:40,300 --> 00:23:43,460 I think there should be several baskets you can aim for. 537 00:23:43,660 --> 00:23:44,940 (Laughter) 538 00:23:45,220 --> 00:23:47,340 A really high basket for 10 points 539 00:23:47,620 --> 00:23:49,540 and then a lower basket and then one on the floor. 540 00:23:49,780 --> 00:23:51,060 (Laughter) 541 00:23:51,340 --> 00:23:53,020 Did they invent netball as well then? 542 00:23:53,300 --> 00:23:56,460 What happened was, a woman from Louisiana wrote to Naismith 543 00:23:56,740 --> 00:23:59,580 - and said, "Uh..." - We've got quite a girly version. 544 00:23:59,860 --> 00:24:02,420 One of the stories is she actually misinterpreted the rules 545 00:24:02,740 --> 00:24:05,700 'cause he laid out the dimensions of the basketball court 546 00:24:05,940 --> 00:24:07,180 and she thought, given the various areas, 547 00:24:07,500 --> 00:24:09,260 she thought the players had to stay within those areas, 548 00:24:09,580 --> 00:24:11,380 which, I believe, is one of the things about netball. 549 00:24:11,700 --> 00:24:13,100 You can't travel. You can't dribble in netball. 550 00:24:13,420 --> 00:24:15,060 Once you've got the ball, you've got to stand still. 551 00:24:15,340 --> 00:24:16,940 It wasn't as hard as the basketball we played 552 00:24:17,220 --> 00:24:20,500 'cause we would nail the basket to a truck, the side of a truck. 553 00:24:20,740 --> 00:24:23,540 The game went on for miles. 554 00:24:23,740 --> 00:24:25,340 (Laughter) 555 00:24:25,620 --> 00:24:27,900 Can I just say that, that little kid with the purple shirt 556 00:24:28,100 --> 00:24:29,420 is really beginning to annoy me? 557 00:24:29,700 --> 00:24:31,820 Will you sit still? Look, it's... Sit down! 558 00:24:32,020 --> 00:24:34,820 (Laughter) 559 00:24:35,100 --> 00:24:38,300 - This is very old footage because... - There are white people. 560 00:24:38,620 --> 00:24:41,500 - Yeah. - (Laughter) 561 00:24:41,740 --> 00:24:43,380 Oddly enough, though, volleyball was invented 562 00:24:43,660 --> 00:24:45,540 in exactly the same college in Springfield, Massachusetts 563 00:24:45,820 --> 00:24:47,060 as netball and basketball. 564 00:24:47,340 --> 00:24:48,740 This guy's number is zero. 565 00:24:49,060 --> 00:24:52,380 There's no confidence at all in him, is there? 566 00:24:52,620 --> 00:24:54,300 (Laughter) 567 00:24:54,580 --> 00:24:56,220 Anyway, I think we've seen enough of that looped game. 568 00:24:56,500 --> 00:24:57,740 It's going to drive us all nuts. 569 00:24:57,940 --> 00:25:00,620 So, what were Nelson's last words? 570 00:25:00,940 --> 00:25:03,860 (Burp) (Laughter) 571 00:25:04,180 --> 00:25:06,540 The last words of someone who sucked at Nelson's body. 572 00:25:06,820 --> 00:25:08,460 (Laughter) 573 00:25:08,740 --> 00:25:10,100 - Yes? - That's my answer. 574 00:25:10,300 --> 00:25:11,540 That's your answer. 575 00:25:11,860 --> 00:25:15,020 "Kismet Hardy". But did he say, "Kiss me, Hardy"? 576 00:25:15,340 --> 00:25:16,500 (Siren blares) Oh, dear. 577 00:25:16,740 --> 00:25:18,620 Well, whatever it is, it's rubbish. 578 00:25:18,820 --> 00:25:20,540 It's not "kismet" and it's not "kiss me". 579 00:25:20,860 --> 00:25:22,580 "I'll race you to the bottle of brandy." 580 00:25:22,780 --> 00:25:25,100 (Laughter) 581 00:25:25,300 --> 00:25:27,300 "Last one in's a kipper." 582 00:25:27,580 --> 00:25:29,420 Hardy kissed the admiral twice apparently - 583 00:25:29,740 --> 00:25:31,260 Once on the cheek and once on the forehead - 584 00:25:31,540 --> 00:25:33,500 when Nelson was struggling to remain conscious. 585 00:25:33,820 --> 00:25:35,220 He then said, "God, I've done my duty," 586 00:25:35,500 --> 00:25:37,980 and then he said - it is rather peculiar - 587 00:25:38,140 --> 00:25:41,660 'Drink, drink, fan, fan, rub, rub." 588 00:25:41,940 --> 00:25:43,140 Those were his last words. 589 00:25:43,380 --> 00:25:45,020 He was thirsty, he was hot... 590 00:25:45,340 --> 00:25:48,020 That was navy lingo for, "Give us a quick hand job." 591 00:25:48,220 --> 00:25:49,500 (Laughter) 592 00:25:49,780 --> 00:25:53,180 Those were... According to the reliable witnesses at the scene, 593 00:25:53,380 --> 00:25:54,660 they were all agreed those were... 594 00:25:54,940 --> 00:25:56,660 Why don't you ever hear that at school then? 595 00:25:56,900 --> 00:25:59,420 Because the famous lines that he said are, "Thank God. I've done my duty," 596 00:25:59,740 --> 00:26:02,580 and "Kiss me, Hardy," but, "Drink, drink, fan, fan, rub, rub"... 597 00:26:02,820 --> 00:26:04,700 That's what's wrong with schools. 598 00:26:05,020 --> 00:26:07,460 Final words are not to do with how interesting they are. 599 00:26:07,780 --> 00:26:09,420 They've got to do with what people actually said. 600 00:26:09,700 --> 00:26:11,420 Myths build up, I'm afraid. 601 00:26:11,740 --> 00:26:13,500 - Did he say "kiss me," or "kismet"? - "Kiss me." 602 00:26:13,780 --> 00:26:15,140 It's almost universally agreed he said, "Kiss me". 603 00:26:15,420 --> 00:26:17,140 - The kismet idea is nonsense. - Rubbish. 604 00:26:17,380 --> 00:26:19,020 Yeah. He was hot and thirsty. 605 00:26:19,220 --> 00:26:20,580 So he had his steward standing by 606 00:26:20,860 --> 00:26:24,300 to fan him and feed him lemonade and water and wine, 607 00:26:24,580 --> 00:26:27,460 while the ship's captain Dr Scott massaged his chest to ease the pain. 608 00:26:27,700 --> 00:26:30,740 If you were to go in a time machine, would you go there? 609 00:26:31,020 --> 00:26:34,020 You see, people always say, "Oh, I'd go here, there and everywhere," 610 00:26:34,220 --> 00:26:35,540 but you wouldn't go back. 611 00:26:35,740 --> 00:26:37,100 I'd go back and see myself. 612 00:26:37,420 --> 00:26:38,940 - Well, that would be fascinating. - So would I. 613 00:26:39,220 --> 00:26:41,340 I would go back... I had a rolled up ball of socks 614 00:26:41,620 --> 00:26:43,580 and a hamper all the way across the room. 615 00:26:43,780 --> 00:26:45,060 And I just went like that. 616 00:26:46,180 --> 00:26:48,740 Hits the wall, bounces off the ceiling, off this wall, 617 00:26:49,020 --> 00:26:51,060 back across that wall, right into the hamper. 618 00:26:51,340 --> 00:26:53,100 From, like, 40 feet away. 619 00:26:53,380 --> 00:26:55,420 I would go back and watch that again. 620 00:26:55,660 --> 00:26:59,060 (Laughter and applause) Brilliant. 621 00:26:59,260 --> 00:27:00,860 It was fantastic. 622 00:27:02,420 --> 00:27:04,900 I hope that when you die, they play back something from your life. 623 00:27:05,180 --> 00:27:07,660 - Yeah, yeah. - Those moments. And no-one saw it. 624 00:27:07,940 --> 00:27:10,460 Stonehenge, the erection of. I'd go back there. 625 00:27:10,740 --> 00:27:12,220 - Yes. - "Ooh, well done." 626 00:27:12,460 --> 00:27:14,260 (Laughter) 627 00:27:14,500 --> 00:27:16,540 If you'd just waited a few thousand years... 628 00:27:16,780 --> 00:27:18,540 Go back with a power drill and a JCB. 629 00:27:18,780 --> 00:27:20,260 (Laughter) 630 00:27:21,860 --> 00:27:23,540 Become worshipped as a god. 631 00:27:23,820 --> 00:27:25,260 (Laughter) 632 00:27:27,540 --> 00:27:30,220 And we've come to the end of the round, the end of the competition. 633 00:27:30,460 --> 00:27:32,460 My last words are not "drink, drink, fan, fan, rub, rub" 634 00:27:32,740 --> 00:27:33,980 or anything close to it. 635 00:27:34,180 --> 00:27:35,460 They are l'addition, s'il vous plait. 636 00:27:35,740 --> 00:27:37,180 Let's see how the scores are. 637 00:27:37,460 --> 00:27:39,780 And rather meagre rations they are too, I'm sorry to say. 638 00:27:40,060 --> 00:27:42,860 Rich scored a lightly battered five points. 639 00:27:43,140 --> 00:27:45,060 Which is very good. Puts you in the lead. 640 00:27:45,300 --> 00:27:46,740 (Applause) 641 00:27:47,020 --> 00:27:50,260 Fred is next on a gently poached four points. 642 00:27:50,500 --> 00:27:53,100 (Applause) 643 00:27:53,380 --> 00:27:56,740 Jo managed a reheated -8 points. 644 00:27:56,980 --> 00:28:00,060 (Applause) 645 00:28:00,340 --> 00:28:05,300 Alan, once again, it's the kebab van for you, I'm afraid, with -19 points! 646 00:28:05,500 --> 00:28:07,340 (Cheering and applause) 647 00:28:12,460 --> 00:28:14,660 Well, that's all for this week. 648 00:28:14,900 --> 00:28:16,180 I leave you with the thought that 649 00:28:16,500 --> 00:28:18,180 while most of us drink at the fountain of wisdom, 650 00:28:18,380 --> 00:28:19,660 others merely gargle. 651 00:28:19,940 --> 00:28:23,020 From Rich, Fred, Jo, Alan and me, it's goodnight. Goodnight. 652 00:28:23,260 --> 00:28:25,100 (Applause) 653 00:28:25,300 --> 00:28:28,100 Closed Captions by CSI 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net