(Applause)
Good evening, good evening, good evening,
good evening and a hearty ho-ho-ho, ring-my-chimes
and call-me-tawdry happy Ql Christmas to you all!
Yes, it's us again, by which l mean the deep Mark Steel.
(Applause)
The crisp Rich Hall.
The even Phill Jupitus.
And the snow-bound layabout, Alan Davies.
(Applause)
Buzzer music, l shall conduct you in. Rich...
(Marching band drums)
And Mark...
(Cheery piano)
(Stephen) Ahh. And Phill.
(Stirring fanfare)
(Stephen) And Alan...
(Yodelling song)
What's Crocodile Dundee doing in the third row in there?
(Stephen) Leather hat, l've got him. (Mark) Hey?
(Jupitus) To keep it seasonal, Jesus is here. How much more Christmassy can you get?
(Applause)
Here's a question for you - what makes a balloon like this go up?
- (Alan) Helium. - lt's the right answer, two points.
- And what does it do to your voice? - Makes it go higher pitched.
- (Alarm) - Oh. (Laughs)
lt doesn't make your voice go up in pitch, it's the timbre that changes.
- ''The timbre''? - The timbre.
- That's a stamp. - (Mark) That's a stamp, isn't it?
(Stephen) We wanted to give you all some helium and have you sing
but l've got the three worst words in the English language for you.
- Health... - And f"""ing Safety.
lt's four words, it's four words,
but l'm afraid Health and f"""ing Safety wouldn't let us do it on television.
What did they think could happen? You'd float away?
No, and it's... (Laughs) Exactly, it's not a poisonous gas.
- You dive, don't you? - Yes.
- lt's compressed air for scuba diving. - But it's oxygen and helium.
- For deep sea diving. - Why didn't Jacques Cousteau
on TV going, ''We have been underneath the sea...''
Was his real voice like Paul Robeson? (Very deep voice) ''We have been...''
You can breathe xenon, one of the inert gasses,
where you do go John Wayne-like when you...
- Freon is like that. - (Stephen) Freon?
Suck the back out of a refrigerator and your voice will be lower.
- We did it all the time as kids. - (Stephen) Did you now?
- (Laughing) - Maybe if you're on Eastenders,
every character has this before they start?
(High voice) ''Talk like that.'' And they go, (Deep voice) ''We've got to talk.''
That's what all the optics are behind the bar.
(Deep voice) ''Peggy... '' (High voice) ''Yeah?''
Yes, the fact is, sound travels faster in helium,
increasing the frequency but not the pitch.
lt's time for crackers. Alan, pull yours with Phill.
Whoever wins can read out the riddle.
- Oh! - Oh.
'' Why is the emperor penguin like Santa Claus?''
(Fanfare)
Kids love 'em. Can't get enough of either - big fellow with presents, funny bird.
Which one's Santa there?
l like the one on the left, he's not trying so hard.
Scientists give ecstasy to one penguin.
(Alan) Ant and Peck.
l can tell you the answer is, they both come once a year.
Er, Emperor penguins have a really tragic...
you can see how sad they look there.
They have a pretty tragic sex life.
The male gets ten seconds of ejaculation
and then has to spend two months at the freezing South Pole
incubating an egg, while the wife goes off to eat fish.
- He comes for ten seconds? - What noise do they make when they're...?
They sound a little like Angela Rippon.
''Good evening and this is the news.''
(Stephen) That sort of sound, yeah. lt's unusual.
''And finally!''
- The only animal... - ''This just in...''
- (Stephen) Oh... - (Applause)
Do you know, Aristotle believed that,
you should always make love facing the north,
because the strong icy winds from the north
helped conception and made for strong babies, apparently.
- (Stephen) Oh. - Who should be facing the north?
- Both. - Both couples could align themselves,
l mean surely it's usual,
l mean you don't do it like that, do you?
Or like that? Oh l see, like that.
Ah.
Many a man will hear his wife questioning,
''ls that a compass between my shoulder blades or...?''
- ''No hang on.'' - ''Hang on, there you are.''
''l'll have to phone me mate, he's an orienteer.
''l've got the wife at magnetic north, does it have to be...?
''Get your Aristotle out and look, because l'm...''
You can use GPS these days, it's so much easier.
That's if you're doing it in the Jag, you can just...
Now, Christmas is often an excuse for a large manly cigar.
lf you want to take up smoking,
but you want to increase your life expectancy by about eight years,
- what should you do? There is a way. - (Yodelling)
Take up smoking eight years later than you were going to.
(Applause)
(Drums)
- Um, move to Siberia. - (Stephen) Yeah?
Because the life expectancy there is longer
and it's one of the last places on earth where you can still f"""ing smoke!
(Stephen) A good answer, a very good answer.
Smoking, according to most anti-smoking scientists,
might shave off five years of your life,
but there is something all of us could do,
which would increase our life expectancy by 13 years.
- Get married. - (Alan) Shut up?
- Not get married. Not shut up. - Become women.
Not quite as extreme as that.
- Just cut off the testicles. - Yes.
- No! - Eunuchs...
No! l'd rather die eight years sooner.
That's the answer. The beneficial side effects of castration
can increase life expectancy by 13 years,
comfortably outweighing the mere five years 20 a day takes off your life, on average.
Other good things about castration are -
you don't go bald or suffer from acne, so it's easier to pull.
But talking of traditional Christmassy objects,
what did ltalian barbers do with 8,000 balls every year?
lncrease their life expectancy by 32,000 years.
Were they... Barbers, they've got a cut-throat razor,
were they in the castrating business?
Yes, and there were that many castrations between the 16th century
and the mid-19th century, for castrati, for singing.
- 4,000 ltalian eight year-olds every year. - Eight year-olds?
ls that their choice, or is that pushy parents?
Pushy parents. But they became very rich and successful.
The most recent one was Moreschi,
we have him on record, can we hear a little bit of Moreschi,
who died in 1922 with the last of the Papal Castrati.
(Very old recording of man singing very high-pitched)
- This is the sound of the actual operation. - This is actual...
Any minute you hear...schump!
Did you ever see that film about Farinelli?
- He could sing from a C3 down there... - (Low piano note)
- Oh, l did it! There, up to a... - (High piano note)
- (Phill) lt's like that music quiz. - Can you hear those two?
- (Low and high piano notes) - (Drum Roll)
- (Applause) - (Stephen) But that's quite a range.
- Their voices never break? - No, because testosterone causes
the deepening of the voice.
The operation was illegal and was often carried out by a barber
and explained as an accident.
Did they have photos up on the wall of people with no bollocks?
(Stephen) Slightly outdated ones.
Tony Curtis's lack of knackers, you know.
Do they come round with a mirror afterwards?
Why don't you, young Rich?
''Name one of the animals present at the birth of Jesus.''
(Alan) Donkey. (Stephen) Donkey?
- (Drum roll) - (Alarm)
- (Stephen) Well... - (Piano)
A camel, there must be a camel.
- A camel, eh? Oh, dear, oh, dear. No. - (Alarm)
- Cow? - A cow? Oh-ho.
(Alarm)
- Er, sheep? - Sheep, eh? No.
(Alarm)
- Piling on the points. - (Alan) Were there no animals?
Well done, you've saved 50 points.
He was born in a stable full of animals, l've seen it in the nativity models.
But the first nativity crib wasn't until 1200 years after the birth of Christ.
There's no reference to animals,
just one in Luke to Christ being laid in a manger.
And so people have assumed it may have been a stable,
but there's no evidence otherwise.
But you can get a point if you can tell me
who came up with the first crib with animals, in 1223.
- 1223... - Thomas Aquinas, when was he?
Not Thomas Aquinas, but a saint.
- St Francis. - Quite right.
(Alan) That's worth more than a point. (Stephen) Yes, have five.
l don't mind religion in a way really,
because l love the Thought For The Day on the radio.
Because they do whatever's on that day's news, and just crowbar Jesus in.
So some vicar says, ''As the continuing row about 'A' level testing
''seems to rumble on and on and on, isn't that a little bit like Jesus?
''Jesus didn't do 'A' levels but he did have to do tests.
''When he went... When he went into the wilderness,
wasn't that God saying, ''Turn over your papers and begin now''.''
Brilliant.
ln America they milk it in ads at Christmas, everything.
''Auto light, the spark plug Jesus would have used.''
St Francis in the town of Greccio,
he put down some hay and some little toy oxen and asses
and that was the start of it all. Now, what do we know about the Magi?
(Fanfare)
They taught Luke Skywalker everything he knows.
Aren't they tribesmen, like the Jedi?
Well, everyone is a tribesman of some kind.
l did an interview with the President of Uganda, and...
- (Laughter) - Why do you find that so amusing?
- Why is that funny? - No other person could say that
- and get away with it. - Well, l did, so there.
There we were in Kampala,
and one thing he got rid of in Uganda was excessive sectarianism
and l asked him this question, ''You yourself are Bugandan.''
He said, yes what tribe are you? lt's an absolutely right point.
l would say my tribe would be probably...
- Essex. - (Stephen) Essex.
- Cherokee. - (Stephen) You have Cherokee in you?
- Part Cherokee. - Really?
You said about the President of Uganda,
someone once told me that they worked with David Frost,
and they walked into the office as he picked up the phone
and said, ''Boutros Boutros, how the devil are you?''
- No, this is my story. - Oh, is it?!
lt's weird, this is weird.
He's hijacked that now! You'll tell us you were at the birth of Christ in a minute.
''l was there at the beginning of what we call Christmas,
''interviewing the Virgin Mary...''
No, l did one of his Sunday morning programmes, where you look at the papers,
and l heard this other guest coming in - l didn't know who else was in -
but l heard the voice behind me, ''Boutros Boutros, always a pleasure.''
That story... He is fantastic like that.
l remember, just to make you laugh again, but l was at a fourth of July party
the American Ambassador was holding at his house
- in Regents Park, and... - Stephen, you've got to tell us,
Ferrero Rocher, as far as the eye can see?
But again, l was talking to David Frost
and Tony Blair walked past.
And David Frost threw out a hand and went, ''Beloved!''
lt was fantastic, ''Beloved.''
He once said to someone who'd written a book, ''l gather you've written a book.
''lt behoves us - we're all behoven - we behove our -
''er, roll over behoven!''
However, that's probably enough Frosty stories.
- (Alan) Were the Magi there? - So, the Magi and the ''Maggie'',
we hoped you say three wise men. And that is not what they are.
- They were Persian or Zoastrian priests. - What's Myrrh?
- What did they bring? - Myrrh's an oil.
- ls it good for babies? - lt's expensive, rare and used in anointing.
Of course, a week after he was born, he had to have the old snip, didn't he, Jesus?
The Feast of Circumcision, as it is called...
- An ltalian barber? - lt wasn't no, Jesus was not...
''Would you like me to cut anything else?''
''l can make him sing.''
- Jesus had to be... - ''He could be rich.''
''ls allowed if you want, Mary, look at you in this shitty stable.''
(Stephen) Well it was...
''You is so lucky, there is no animals here, it would be worse.''
A strange version of Stoke Newington Greek has spread into that but...
That's my random southern Mediterranean.
And it works well. lt works well. lt's stood you by all these years.
According to the enfeebled dolts of the General Synod,
Magi is a word which discloses nothing about numbers, wisdom or gender.
lt's assumed that there were three because they brought three gifts,
but it's possible there were four and one forgot to get a present.
They could have been women, apparently.
- l like your use of ''enfeebled dolts.'' - Thank you, thank you.
We do know that they all went their separate ways afterwards,
because they'd heard how angry Herod was about this.
But what do we know of Herod's wife,
in other words, what was the name of Herod's wife?
(Yodelling)
- (Stephen) Yes? - Mrs Herod.
(Alarm)
Oh, l'm not going to say you're predictable, but my goodness me.
(Chuckles)
No, we want her given name. They didn't use ''Mrs'' in Judea.
Maria, Sylvia, Jane, Michelle, Mary.
Fortunately, we haven't got all those up.
- Beyonce. - lt is nearly that odd.
- (Alan) Britney. Madonna. Yvonne. - lt begins with a D.
- Denise. - Detox.
- Donna. - Diana.
- (Stephen) Closer. - Donatella.
- Forget the N. - Dor.
- Dot. - Dor is a good beginning.
- Dorothy. - Shorter.
- Dorothea. Dot. - ♪ Que sera sera sera... ♪
- Doris, Doris. - Doris, thank you, Doris.
- Doris Herod!? - Yes.
lt's a surprise. Her name was Doris.
''He's been out all night killing babies, l'm telling you!
''lf he comes back in here covered in the blood of the innocent,
''l am not washing that cloak!''
''Herod!''
Good, there's a lot of mileage to be had out of poor Herod's wife.
- Doris! - lt's a Greek name,
to our ears it is a bit funny, but...
(Woman's voice) ''Did you find the Messiah, because he's a very naughty boy?!''
(Applause)
Oh. King Herod and Queen Doris. There they are.
How do you say it in Greek though?
You would say Doris, probably a slight hint of a ''th'' sound.
Can you do a Greek pronunciation?
''Stachtothokeos,'' is ash tray.
- You mean Ancient Greek? - Yeah.
lt wasn't the same, they weren't wearing togas up the Parthenon going
(Greek accent) ''l wonder whether a sun go round the earth, or is it other way round?''
lndeed.
''lt's a been a puzzling me about a triangle and whether the angle all are the same
''or the different angle compared to that one there,
- ''is the same, innit?'' - (Stephen) Pythagoras.
Put these vegetables on that skewer and shut up!
My grandfather called Pythagoras Peter Gorus, because he was Hungarian.
''You go to school, you learn about Peter Gorus.''
l was thinking, who's Peter Gorus? And l came back, and he said,
''did you do the Peter Gorus?'' And l said, ''no''.
He said, ''ask your mathematics teacher, you must do the Peter Gorus.''
And, ''Are we going to do Peter Gorus?'' He said, ''shut up, Fry''.
lt was years later l discovered he meant Pythagoras.
He used to pronounce pineapple upside-down cake
''penioplea optshidae dovnet soka''.
(Drum roll)
l just want to move on, cos my mum's name is Doris.
Oh, there you are.
- lt is. - Named for, as you say in America,
- named for Doris Day? - No, no, no, no.
lt was given to her by the President of Madagascar.
Another cracker question, so it's Phill's turn.
Oh, lordie.
- Ho! Ha ha! - Hey!
''How many heads did Jesus' granny have?''
(Alan) Maternal or paternal?
Well, he only had a maternal grandmother,
because his father wasn't Joseph, so he had his mother's mother,
but he didn't have a father's mother.
Right, that's what l meant.
- l'm not as stupid as you think. - No, you're not even,
no, you're not, you couldn't be. No, l mean...no.
l couldn't sink as low as Stephen's expectations of me.
Oh, no, no, not at all, at all.
His mum's mum had how many heads? One head.
(Alarm)
Well his mother's mother was St Anne and rather oddly, she had seven.
On the authority of the Church she had seven,
because for centuries in the Middle Ages, her heads were on display, simultaneously,
at Lyons, Apt, Aix-la-chapelle and Chartres in France,
in Bologna, in Sicily and in Duren in Germany.
She must have had seven, because the Church recognised them all.
Good, time for another question then.
How is it possible to die and come back to life after three days?
(Yodelling)
Cryasthenics.
Yes. l sort of know what you're saying there,
yes, cryogenics, yeah.
l nearly said callisthenics.
Yes, it's a mixture when you do exercises while frozen in suspension.
- Cryo... What was it? Genics. - Cryogenics. When they freeze people.
They freeze you and bring you back to life.
No, you want to be a water bear, which has a sweet name, a tardigrade.
- There's one. - ls that it?
That's not a bear.
- No... - lt's the Sydney Opera House.
- lt really is the Sydney Opera House. - l see where you got the idea.
They're not very big. You can see them with the naked eye.
We've done all kinds of nasty things to them -
boiled, frozen, poisoned, suffocated, dehydrated and irradiated them
And still they live. They put themselves into suspended animation
until things turn out nicely for them.
(Yogi Bear impression) ''That's not a very nice way to treat a bear.''
(Stephen) No, it certainly isn't.
''l've been bombarded with radiation, Boo Boo,
''they've frozen me and buried me. l'm gonna be dead for a thousand....''
(Boo Boo impression) ''Oh Yogi, Yogi.''
Tardigrades have been frozen to within one degree of absolute zero.
l thought you were gonna say to within an inch of their life.
We shall freeze you to within an inch of your life.
Would you have that as a superpower, if you could?
- What is your superpower of choice? - lnvisibility.
- (Alan) Really? - Yeah, lt would be great fun.
- What would you like? - l'd like to have no bodily smell.
l would like to travel ahead in time but only by two seconds.
l could go ''Gesundheit'' and you would sneeze.
You would really freak people out.
That's a very funny idea. We must have another question,
another cracker question.
So?
Well, l'll read out what it says.
''Where's, like, the coolest place in the universe, man?''
(Alan) Venus.
You've deliberately chosen the planet second nearest to the sun
to be the coolest place in the universe?
(Rich) Venus in the winter. (Alan) Yeah.
Neptune. Camden Market.
Well, you were much nearer than you were with Neptune,
- because it's on earth. - The freezer.
No, the coldest you can go is minus 273 centigrade,
- known as absolute zero, or zero Kelvin. - Brr!
Then everything stops. Even the universe is three degrees above absolute zero,
because it has heat left from the big bang. Even the coldest reaches of it.
- Everything stops? - Yeah.
You can't get any colder?
Yes, you can't get a bus, a dentist's appointment, nothing.
So where might it be absolute zero?
Scientists have managed to create a huge one ton metal bar,
which is just a fraction of a degree above absolute zero.
ls it ironically in the middle of the desert?
lt's in a very hot place indeed, in Louisiana, yes.
ln the State University of Louisiana.
There's bound to be one scientist goes in with the big iron bar one day.
''Frank!''
And then suddenly it'll be like - (lmitates alarm)
- SWAT team... - ''Oh, not again!
''Gary!''
You can't resist it, can you?
The only chance there's something else as cold
is if it's been created by an alien intelligence.
Now, for another round of General lgnorance.
Oh, no, l don't want to do General lgnorance.
- Why not? - l always get them wrong
and l will not be humiliated at Christmas.
You don't know anything, that's the problem.
You have all the answers, there's no point telling me l know nothing.
- You think it's easy for me, do you? - Yes, l think it's quite easy for you.
All right, why don't you sit here and l'll sit there.
(Applause)
Go on. Go on.
No, because l was only having a joke.
Yeah, well it's Christmas.
lt's traditional at Christmas time for servants to be served by the master.
Everything swaps round. Go on, go on.
Oh, it's easy now, you see, l'll just lounge back and talk to Phill.
OK, Stephen...
Oh, yes? Oh, hello?
Ha ha ha! l've been waiting for this opportunity.
- Oh, Christ. - A question just for Stephen.
- Yes? - Who plays in goal for Aston Villa?
Oh!
- (Applause) - Um...
l know you've got a Swede called Thomas Sanderson in goal,
- but he's been taken over by Stefan Posta? - Postma, yes.
Postma, yeah. Which is...
Which is your actual, number one player?
-Tom Sorenson. - Tom Sorenson.
He's actually Danish but l'll give you that.
- He played against England, didn't he? - Yes. This isn't going to work. OK.
l just happened to know that.
- Another question for Stephen. - Oh, no.
You probably all know this one but what was Mozart's middle name?
(Laughs) This is going to be a trick question, isn't it?
l don't know, you're the smarty pants.
- Oh, bollocks! - Have to hurry you.
You want me to say Amadeus, so Amadeus.
- (Alarm) - Oh!
Wolfgang! Johann Chrysostomus Wolfgangus TheophoPhillus Mozart.
He usually called himself Wolfgang Amade,
not Amadeus. Or Wolfgang Gottleib.
This question for Stephen Fry.
How many states of matter are there?
Oh, hello. Well, if you count plasma, l suppose four. Liquid, solid...
- (Alarm) - Oh!
(Alan) Four is wrong.
Six. l'm surprised at you Stephen.
Oh.
lt's printed down, is it?
They are, of course, solid, liquid, gas, plasma,
Bose-Einstein condensate and fermionic condensate,
sometimes known as 'filament'.
(Applause)
(Stephen) Gosh darn!
- This question is for Stephen Fry. - Oh.
Alan Davies, hunched in front of his pub trivia machine going, l'll have that.
Which way does the bath water go down the plug hole in the northern hemisphere?
Whichever way you want it to. You can push it one way or the other,
l've tried it.
Ohh.
Yeah, that's true.
''Stephen, what are you doing in that bathroom?''
''l'm pushing it to go one way. l'm pushing it go the other.
''l'm the master of the bath water! Ha ha ha ha!''
OK. What do penguins in the Falkland lslands do when RAF jets fly over them?
- (Xmas bells) - Fry, Cambridge!
(Applause)
Er, they look up and topple over backwards.
- Really? - (Alarm)
You see, it's wrong. Oh, Fry, you idiot!
They walk away from the noise.
The idea that they watch the jets going overhead
and then fall backwards is an urban myth.
This one, for everyone. What kind of animal is sacred in lndia?
Do not say ''cow''.
- That's my hint. - (Fanfare)
(Phill) ls it cow?
- (Alarm) - l warned you.
There are no sacred cows in lndia, sacred is a Christian term,
it doesn't really apply to lndia and to cows,
there are no cow deities, cow icons, cow statues and temples to cows.
Cows are one of the few animals that are not the object of worship in lndia.
Well done. Do you want me to wrap up?
- Yeah, why don't you... - l'll wrap up. Well done.
- (Applause) - (Stephen) l'd hate to see the scores.
Well done.
On that extraordinary note, let's look at the scores.
ln first place, with a very proud and impressive seven points is Rich Hall.
(Applause)
ln second place is Mark, with two points.
(Applause)
- Phill is third with minus three. - (Applause)
Alan has minus 52.
(Applause)
But, unfortunately, our runway loser is Stephen on minus 56.
(Applause)
Dear, oh, dear.
So, from Rich, Mark, Phill, Alan and myself, and from all of us at Ql,
hope you enjoy the rest of the Christmas holiday.
Have a brilliant New Year and we'll see you again soon.
- Goodnight. Happy Christmas. (Applause)