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(Applause)

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Good evening, good evening, good evening,

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good evening and a hearty ho-ho-ho,
ring-my-chimes

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and call-me-tawdry happy
Ql Christmas to you all!

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Yes, it's us again, by which
l mean the deep Mark Steel.

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(Applause)

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The crisp Rich Hall.

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The even Phill Jupitus.

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And the snow-bound layabout, Alan Davies.

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(Applause)

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Buzzer music,
l shall conduct you in. Rich...

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(Marching band drums)

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And Mark...

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(Cheery piano)

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(Stephen) Ahh. And Phill.

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(Stirring fanfare)

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(Stephen) And Alan...

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(Yodelling song)

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What's Crocodile Dundee
doing in the third row in there?

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(Stephen) Leather hat, l've got him.
(Mark) Hey?

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(Jupitus) To keep it seasonal, Jesus is here.
How much more Christmassy can you get?

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(Applause)

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Here's a question for you -
what makes a balloon like this go up?

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- (Alan) Helium.
- lt's the right answer, two points.

25
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- And what does it do to your voice?
- Makes it go higher pitched.

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- (Alarm)
- Oh. (Laughs)

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lt doesn't make your voice go up in pitch,
it's the timbre that changes.

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- ''The timbre''?
- The timbre.

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- That's a stamp.
- (Mark) That's a stamp, isn't it?

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(Stephen) We wanted to give you all
some helium and have you sing

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but l've got the three worst words
in the English language for you.

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- Health...
- And f"""ing Safety.

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lt's four words,
it's four words,

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but l'm afraid Health and f"""ing Safety
wouldn't let us do it on television.

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What did they think could happen?
You'd float away?

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No, and it's... (Laughs)
Exactly, it's not a poisonous gas.

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- You dive, don't you?
- Yes.

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- lt's compressed air for scuba diving.
- But it's oxygen and helium.

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- For deep sea diving.
- Why didn't Jacques Cousteau

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on TV going, ''We have been
underneath the sea...''

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Was his real voice like Paul Robeson?
(Very deep voice) ''We have been...''

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You can breathe xenon,
one of the inert gasses,

43
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where you do go
John Wayne-like when you...

44
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- Freon is like that.
- (Stephen) Freon?

45
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Suck the back out of a refrigerator
and your voice will be lower.

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- We did it all the time as kids.
- (Stephen) Did you now?

47
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- (Laughing)
- Maybe if you're on Eastenders,

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every character has this before they start?

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(High voice) ''Talk like that.'' And they go,
(Deep voice) ''We've got to talk.''

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That's what all the optics
are behind the bar.

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(Deep voice) ''Peggy... ''
(High voice) ''Yeah?''

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Yes, the fact is,
sound travels faster in helium,

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increasing the frequency
but not the pitch.

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lt's time for crackers.
Alan, pull yours with Phill.

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Whoever wins can read out the riddle.

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- Oh!
- Oh.

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'' Why is the emperor penguin
like Santa Claus?''

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(Fanfare)

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Kids love 'em. Can't get enough of either -
big fellow with presents, funny bird.

60
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Which one's Santa there?

61
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l like the one on the left,
he's not trying so hard.

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Scientists give ecstasy
to one penguin.

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(Alan) Ant and Peck.

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l can tell you the answer is,
they both come once a year.

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Er, Emperor penguins
have a really tragic...

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you can see how sad they look there.

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They have a pretty tragic sex life.

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The male gets ten seconds of ejaculation

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and then has to spend two months
at the freezing South Pole

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incubating an egg, while
the wife goes off to eat fish.

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- He comes for ten seconds?
- What noise do they make when they're...?

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They sound a little like Angela Rippon.

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''Good evening and this is the news.''

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(Stephen) That sort of sound, yeah.
lt's unusual.

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''And finally!''

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- The only animal...
- ''This just in...''

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- (Stephen) Oh...
- (Applause)

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Do you know, Aristotle believed that,

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you should always
make love facing the north,

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because the strong icy winds from the north

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helped conception and made
for strong babies, apparently.

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- (Stephen) Oh.
- Who should be facing the north?

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- Both.
- Both couples could align themselves,

84
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l mean surely it's usual,

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l mean you don't do it
like that, do you?

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Or like that? Oh l see, like that.

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Ah.

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Many a man will hear his wife questioning,

89
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''ls that a compass between
my shoulder blades or...?''

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- ''No hang on.''
- ''Hang on, there you are.''

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''l'll have to phone me mate,
he's an orienteer.

92
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''l've got the wife at magnetic north,
does it have to be...?

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''Get your Aristotle out and look,
because l'm...''

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You can use GPS these days,
it's so much easier.

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That's if you're doing it in the Jag,
you can just...

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Now, Christmas is often an excuse
for a large manly cigar.

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lf you want to take up smoking,

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but you want to increase your life
expectancy by about eight years,

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- what should you do? There is a way.
- (Yodelling)

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Take up smoking eight years later
than you were going to.

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(Applause)

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(Drums)

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- Um, move to Siberia.
- (Stephen) Yeah?

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Because the life expectancy there is longer

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and it's one of the last places on earth
where you can still f"""ing smoke!

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(Stephen) A good answer,
a very good answer.

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Smoking, according to
most anti-smoking scientists,

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might shave off five years of your life,

109
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but there is something all of us could do,

110
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which would increase
our life expectancy by 13 years.

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- Get married.
- (Alan) Shut up?

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- Not get married. Not shut up.
- Become women.

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Not quite as extreme as that.

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- Just cut off the testicles.
- Yes.

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- No!
- Eunuchs...

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No! l'd rather die eight years sooner.

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That's the answer.
The beneficial side effects of castration

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can increase life expectancy by 13 years,

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comfortably outweighing the mere five years
20 a day takes off your life, on average.

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Other good things about castration are -

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you don't go bald or suffer from acne,
so it's easier to pull.

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But talking of traditional
Christmassy objects,

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what did ltalian barbers
do with 8,000 balls every year?

124
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lncrease their life expectancy
by 32,000 years.

125
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Were they...
Barbers, they've got a cut-throat razor,

126
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were they in the castrating business?

127
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Yes, and there were that many castrations
between the 16th century

128
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and the mid-19th century,
for castrati, for singing.

129
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- 4,000 ltalian eight year-olds every year.
- Eight year-olds?

130
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ls that their choice,
or is that pushy parents?

131
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Pushy parents. But they became
very rich and successful.

132
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The most recent one was Moreschi,

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we have him on record,
can we hear a little bit of Moreschi,

134
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who died in 1922
with the last of the Papal Castrati.

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(Very old recording
of man singing very high-pitched)

136
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- This is the sound of the actual operation.
- This is actual...

137
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Any minute you hear...schump!

138
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Did you ever see that film about Farinelli?

139
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- He could sing from a C3 down there...
- (Low piano note)

140
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- Oh, l did it! There, up to a...
- (High piano note)

141
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- (Phill) lt's like that music quiz.
- Can you hear those two?

142
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- (Low and high piano notes)
- (Drum Roll)

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- (Applause)
- (Stephen) But that's quite a range.

144
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- Their voices never break?
- No, because testosterone causes

145
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the deepening of the voice.

146
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The operation was illegal
and was often carried out by a barber

147
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and explained as an accident.

148
00:09:10,814 --> 00:09:15,968
Did they have photos up on the wall
of people with no bollocks?

149
00:09:16,014 --> 00:09:18,050
(Stephen) Slightly outdated ones.

150
00:09:18,094 --> 00:09:20,688
Tony Curtis's lack of knackers, you know.

151
00:09:20,734 --> 00:09:23,692
Do they come round
with a mirror afterwards?

152
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Why don't you, young Rich?

153
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''Name one of the animals
present at the birth of Jesus.''

154
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(Alan) Donkey.
(Stephen) Donkey?

155
00:09:36,334 --> 00:09:39,326
- (Drum roll)
- (Alarm)

156
00:09:40,854 --> 00:09:43,891
- (Stephen) Well...
- (Piano)

157
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A camel, there must be a camel.

158
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- A camel, eh? Oh, dear, oh, dear. No.
- (Alarm)

159
00:09:50,654 --> 00:09:53,009
- Cow?
- A cow? Oh-ho.

160
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(Alarm)

161
00:09:55,054 --> 00:09:57,887
- Er, sheep?
- Sheep, eh? No.

162
00:09:57,934 --> 00:09:59,606
(Alarm)

163
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- Piling on the points.
- (Alan) Were there no animals?

164
00:10:03,334 --> 00:10:05,928
Well done, you've saved 50 points.

165
00:10:05,974 --> 00:10:10,445
He was born in a stable full of animals,
l've seen it in the nativity models.

166
00:10:10,494 --> 00:10:15,887
But the first nativity crib wasn't until
1200 years after the birth of Christ.

167
00:10:15,934 --> 00:10:18,209
There's no reference to animals,

168
00:10:18,254 --> 00:10:22,327
just one in Luke
to Christ being laid in a manger.

169
00:10:22,374 --> 00:10:25,013
And so people have assumed
it may have been a stable,

170
00:10:25,054 --> 00:10:27,648
but there's no evidence otherwise.

171
00:10:27,694 --> 00:10:31,369
But you can get a point if you can tell me

172
00:10:31,414 --> 00:10:34,611
who came up with
the first crib with animals, in 1223.

173
00:10:34,654 --> 00:10:37,407
- 1223...
- Thomas Aquinas, when was he?

174
00:10:37,454 --> 00:10:39,331
Not Thomas Aquinas, but a saint.

175
00:10:39,374 --> 00:10:41,365
- St Francis.
- Quite right.

176
00:10:41,414 --> 00:10:45,532
(Alan) That's worth more than a point.
(Stephen) Yes, have five.

177
00:10:45,574 --> 00:10:47,804
l don't mind religion in a way really,

178
00:10:47,854 --> 00:10:51,210
because l love the
Thought For The Day on the radio.

179
00:10:51,254 --> 00:10:56,408
Because they do whatever's on
that day's news, and just crowbar Jesus in.

180
00:10:56,454 --> 00:11:00,572
So some vicar says,
''As the continuing row about 'A' level testing

181
00:11:00,614 --> 00:11:05,005
''seems to rumble on and on and on,
isn't that a little bit like Jesus?

182
00:11:06,894 --> 00:11:10,523
''Jesus didn't do 'A' levels
but he did have to do tests.

183
00:11:10,574 --> 00:11:14,613
''When he went...
When he went into the wilderness,

184
00:11:14,654 --> 00:11:18,533
wasn't that God saying,
''Turn over your papers and begin now''.''

185
00:11:20,134 --> 00:11:21,453
Brilliant.

186
00:11:21,494 --> 00:11:25,248
ln America they milk it in ads
at Christmas, everything.

187
00:11:25,294 --> 00:11:28,923
''Auto light, the spark plug
Jesus would have used.''

188
00:11:30,734 --> 00:11:33,009
St Francis in the town of Greccio,

189
00:11:33,054 --> 00:11:37,525
he put down some hay
and some little toy oxen and asses

190
00:11:37,574 --> 00:11:41,567
and that was the start of it all.
Now, what do we know about the Magi?

191
00:11:41,614 --> 00:11:43,809
(Fanfare)

192
00:11:43,854 --> 00:11:47,483
They taught Luke Skywalker
everything he knows.

193
00:11:48,654 --> 00:11:51,646
Aren't they tribesmen, like the Jedi?

194
00:11:51,694 --> 00:11:54,606
Well, everyone is a tribesman of some kind.

195
00:11:54,654 --> 00:11:58,408
l did an interview with
the President of Uganda, and...

196
00:11:58,454 --> 00:12:02,003
- (Laughter)
- Why do you find that so amusing?

197
00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:05,012
- Why is that funny?
- No other person could say that

198
00:12:05,054 --> 00:12:08,171
- and get away with it.
- Well, l did, so there.

199
00:12:08,214 --> 00:12:09,693
There we were in Kampala,

200
00:12:09,734 --> 00:12:13,488
and one thing he got rid of in Uganda
was excessive sectarianism

201
00:12:13,534 --> 00:12:17,447
and l asked him this question,
''You yourself are Bugandan.''

202
00:12:17,494 --> 00:12:21,123
He said, yes what tribe are you?
lt's an absolutely right point.

203
00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:24,132
l would say my tribe
would be probably...

204
00:12:24,174 --> 00:12:26,290
- Essex.
- (Stephen) Essex.

205
00:12:26,334 --> 00:12:29,804
- Cherokee.
- (Stephen) You have Cherokee in you?

206
00:12:29,854 --> 00:12:31,845
- Part Cherokee.
- Really?

207
00:12:31,894 --> 00:12:34,328
You said about the President of Uganda,

208
00:12:34,374 --> 00:12:37,844
someone once told me that they
worked with David Frost,

209
00:12:37,894 --> 00:12:41,091
and they walked into the office
as he picked up the phone

210
00:12:41,134 --> 00:12:44,092
and said, ''Boutros Boutros,
how the devil are you?''

211
00:12:45,454 --> 00:12:49,572
- No, this is my story.
- Oh, is it?!

212
00:12:50,854 --> 00:12:52,924
lt's weird, this is weird.

213
00:12:52,974 --> 00:12:57,604
He's hijacked that now! You'll tell us
you were at the birth of Christ in a minute.

214
00:12:57,654 --> 00:13:01,010
''l was there at the beginning of
what we call Christmas,

215
00:13:01,054 --> 00:13:02,965
''interviewing the Virgin Mary...''

216
00:13:03,014 --> 00:13:07,769
No, l did one of his Sunday morning
programmes, where you look at the papers,

217
00:13:07,814 --> 00:13:12,205
and l heard this other guest coming in -
l didn't know who else was in -

218
00:13:12,254 --> 00:13:16,725
but l heard the voice behind me,
''Boutros Boutros, always a pleasure.''

219
00:13:19,694 --> 00:13:22,288
That story... He is fantastic like that.

220
00:13:22,334 --> 00:13:26,850
l remember, just to make you laugh again,
but l was at a fourth of July party

221
00:13:26,894 --> 00:13:29,692
the American Ambassador
was holding at his house

222
00:13:29,734 --> 00:13:34,569
- in Regents Park, and...
- Stephen, you've got to tell us,

223
00:13:34,614 --> 00:13:38,289
Ferrero Rocher, as far as the eye can see?

224
00:13:39,094 --> 00:13:41,483
But again, l was talking to David Frost

225
00:13:41,534 --> 00:13:43,764
and Tony Blair walked past.

226
00:13:43,814 --> 00:13:47,489
And David Frost threw out a hand
and went, ''Beloved!''

227
00:13:48,734 --> 00:13:52,204
lt was fantastic, ''Beloved.''

228
00:13:53,014 --> 00:13:57,565
He once said to someone who'd written
a book, ''l gather you've written a book.

229
00:13:57,614 --> 00:14:00,526
''lt behoves us - we're all behoven -
we behove our -

230
00:14:00,574 --> 00:14:02,883
''er, roll over behoven!''

231
00:14:03,894 --> 00:14:06,886
However, that's probably enough
Frosty stories.

232
00:14:06,934 --> 00:14:10,609
- (Alan) Were the Magi there?
- So, the Magi and the ''Maggie'',

233
00:14:10,654 --> 00:14:15,205
we hoped you say three wise men.
And that is not what they are.

234
00:14:15,254 --> 00:14:18,530
- They were Persian or Zoastrian priests.
- What's Myrrh?

235
00:14:18,574 --> 00:14:20,849
- What did they bring?
- Myrrh's an oil.

236
00:14:20,894 --> 00:14:25,365
- ls it good for babies?
- lt's expensive, rare and used in anointing.

237
00:14:25,414 --> 00:14:30,090
Of course, a week after he was born, he
had to have the old snip, didn't he, Jesus?

238
00:14:30,134 --> 00:14:32,523
The Feast of Circumcision, as it is called...

239
00:14:32,574 --> 00:14:35,725
- An ltalian barber?
- lt wasn't no, Jesus was not...

240
00:14:35,774 --> 00:14:38,413
''Would you like me to cut anything else?''

241
00:14:38,454 --> 00:14:40,888
''l can make him sing.''

242
00:14:42,334 --> 00:14:45,212
- Jesus had to be...
- ''He could be rich.''

243
00:14:45,254 --> 00:14:48,963
''ls allowed if you want, Mary,
look at you in this shitty stable.''

244
00:14:49,014 --> 00:14:50,811
(Stephen) Well it was...

245
00:14:50,854 --> 00:14:54,847
''You is so lucky, there is no animals here,
it would be worse.''

246
00:14:56,254 --> 00:15:00,964
A strange version of Stoke Newington
Greek has spread into that but...

247
00:15:01,014 --> 00:15:04,723
That's my random southern Mediterranean.

248
00:15:04,774 --> 00:15:09,131
And it works well. lt works well.
lt's stood you by all these years.

249
00:15:09,174 --> 00:15:12,484
According to the enfeebled dolts
of the General Synod,

250
00:15:12,534 --> 00:15:16,812
Magi is a word which discloses nothing
about numbers, wisdom or gender.

251
00:15:16,854 --> 00:15:20,847
lt's assumed that there were three
because they brought three gifts,

252
00:15:20,894 --> 00:15:24,728
but it's possible there were four
and one forgot to get a present.

253
00:15:24,774 --> 00:15:27,129
They could have been women, apparently.

254
00:15:27,174 --> 00:15:31,167
- l like your use of ''enfeebled dolts.''
- Thank you, thank you.

255
00:15:31,214 --> 00:15:34,968
We do know that they all
went their separate ways afterwards,

256
00:15:35,014 --> 00:15:38,484
because they'd heard
how angry Herod was about this.

257
00:15:38,534 --> 00:15:40,525
But what do we know of Herod's wife,

258
00:15:40,574 --> 00:15:43,805
in other words,
what was the name of Herod's wife?

259
00:15:43,854 --> 00:15:45,765
(Yodelling)

260
00:15:45,814 --> 00:15:47,964
- (Stephen) Yes?
- Mrs Herod.

261
00:15:48,014 --> 00:15:50,084
(Alarm)

262
00:15:50,134 --> 00:15:53,809
Oh, l'm not going to say you're predictable,
but my goodness me.

263
00:15:53,854 --> 00:15:55,924
(Chuckles)

264
00:15:55,974 --> 00:16:00,286
No, we want her given name.
They didn't use ''Mrs'' in Judea.

265
00:16:00,334 --> 00:16:03,167
Maria, Sylvia, Jane, Michelle, Mary.

266
00:16:03,214 --> 00:16:05,728
Fortunately, we haven't got all those up.

267
00:16:05,774 --> 00:16:08,447
- Beyonce.
- lt is nearly that odd.

268
00:16:08,494 --> 00:16:11,770
- (Alan) Britney. Madonna. Yvonne.
- lt begins with a D.

269
00:16:11,814 --> 00:16:13,805
- Denise.
- Detox.

270
00:16:13,854 --> 00:16:15,287
- Donna.
- Diana.

271
00:16:15,334 --> 00:16:17,723
- (Stephen) Closer.
- Donatella.

272
00:16:17,774 --> 00:16:19,765
- Forget the N.
- Dor.

273
00:16:19,814 --> 00:16:21,805
- Dot.
- Dor is a good beginning.

274
00:16:21,854 --> 00:16:22,843
- Dorothy.
- Shorter.

275
00:16:22,894 --> 00:16:26,523
- Dorothea. Dot.
- ♪ Que sera sera sera... ♪

276
00:16:26,574 --> 00:16:29,088
- Doris, Doris.
- Doris, thank you, Doris.

277
00:16:29,134 --> 00:16:31,728
- Doris Herod!?
- Yes.

278
00:16:32,414 --> 00:16:35,087
lt's a surprise. Her name was Doris.

279
00:16:35,134 --> 00:16:39,366
''He's been out all night killing babies,
l'm telling you!

280
00:16:39,414 --> 00:16:43,202
''lf he comes back in here
covered in the blood of the innocent,

281
00:16:43,254 --> 00:16:45,404
''l am not washing that cloak!''

282
00:16:47,974 --> 00:16:49,692
''Herod!''

283
00:16:51,294 --> 00:16:55,367
Good, there's a lot of mileage
to be had out of poor Herod's wife.

284
00:16:55,414 --> 00:16:57,564
- Doris!
- lt's a Greek name,

285
00:16:57,614 --> 00:16:59,684
to our ears it is a bit funny, but...

286
00:16:59,734 --> 00:17:04,683
(Woman's voice) ''Did you find the Messiah,
because he's a very naughty boy?!''

287
00:17:04,734 --> 00:17:06,611
(Applause)

288
00:17:06,654 --> 00:17:09,612
Oh. King Herod and Queen Doris.
There they are.

289
00:17:09,654 --> 00:17:11,849
How do you say it in Greek though?

290
00:17:11,894 --> 00:17:15,569
You would say Doris,
probably a slight hint of a ''th'' sound.

291
00:17:15,614 --> 00:17:17,923
Can you do a Greek pronunciation?

292
00:17:17,974 --> 00:17:20,169
''Stachtothokeos,'' is ash tray.

293
00:17:20,214 --> 00:17:22,523
- You mean Ancient Greek?
- Yeah.

294
00:17:22,574 --> 00:17:27,853
lt wasn't the same, they weren't
wearing togas up the Parthenon going

295
00:17:27,894 --> 00:17:32,968
(Greek accent) ''l wonder whether a sun
go round the earth, or is it other way round?''

296
00:17:33,014 --> 00:17:34,242
lndeed.

297
00:17:34,294 --> 00:17:38,845
''lt's a been a puzzling me about a triangle
and whether the angle all are the same

298
00:17:38,894 --> 00:17:41,852
''or the different angle
compared to that one there,

299
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:44,806
- ''is the same, innit?''
- (Stephen) Pythagoras.

300
00:17:44,854 --> 00:17:48,483
Put these vegetables
on that skewer and shut up!

301
00:17:48,534 --> 00:17:53,324
My grandfather called Pythagoras
Peter Gorus, because he was Hungarian.

302
00:17:53,374 --> 00:17:56,207
''You go to school,
you learn about Peter Gorus.''

303
00:17:56,254 --> 00:17:59,849
l was thinking, who's Peter Gorus?
And l came back, and he said,

304
00:17:59,894 --> 00:18:02,886
''did you do the Peter Gorus?''
And l said, ''no''.

305
00:18:02,934 --> 00:18:07,769
He said, ''ask your mathematics teacher,
you must do the Peter Gorus.''

306
00:18:07,814 --> 00:18:12,046
And, ''Are we going to do
Peter Gorus?'' He said, ''shut up, Fry''.

307
00:18:12,094 --> 00:18:15,404
lt was years later
l discovered he meant Pythagoras.

308
00:18:15,454 --> 00:18:18,366
He used to pronounce
pineapple upside-down cake

309
00:18:18,414 --> 00:18:21,212
''penioplea optshidae dovnet soka''.

310
00:18:22,694 --> 00:18:24,525
(Drum roll)

311
00:18:24,574 --> 00:18:28,044
l just want to move on,
cos my mum's name is Doris.

312
00:18:29,894 --> 00:18:32,249
Oh, there you are.

313
00:18:32,294 --> 00:18:34,933
- lt is.
- Named for, as you say in America,

314
00:18:34,974 --> 00:18:37,534
- named for Doris Day?
- No, no, no, no.

315
00:18:37,574 --> 00:18:40,805
lt was given to her by
the President of Madagascar.

316
00:18:43,734 --> 00:18:46,373
Another cracker question, so it's Phill's turn.

317
00:18:46,414 --> 00:18:47,767
Oh, lordie.

318
00:18:47,814 --> 00:18:50,408
- Ho! Ha ha!
- Hey!

319
00:18:50,454 --> 00:18:54,208
''How many heads did Jesus' granny have?''

320
00:18:55,334 --> 00:18:57,848
(Alan) Maternal or paternal?

321
00:18:57,894 --> 00:19:00,408
Well, he only had a maternal grandmother,

322
00:19:00,454 --> 00:19:04,367
because his father wasn't Joseph,
so he had his mother's mother,

323
00:19:04,414 --> 00:19:06,848
but he didn't have a father's mother.

324
00:19:06,894 --> 00:19:09,010
Right, that's what l meant.

325
00:19:09,054 --> 00:19:12,046
- l'm not as stupid as you think.
- No, you're not even,

326
00:19:12,094 --> 00:19:16,326
no, you're not, you couldn't be.
No, l mean...no.

327
00:19:19,454 --> 00:19:22,730
l couldn't sink as low
as Stephen's expectations of me.

328
00:19:22,774 --> 00:19:25,208
Oh, no, no, not at all, at all.

329
00:19:25,254 --> 00:19:28,803
His mum's mum had how many heads?
One head.

330
00:19:28,854 --> 00:19:31,652
(Alarm)

331
00:19:33,734 --> 00:19:37,727
Well his mother's mother was St Anne
and rather oddly, she had seven.

332
00:19:37,774 --> 00:19:40,732
On the authority of the Church
she had seven,

333
00:19:40,774 --> 00:19:45,802
because for centuries in the Middle Ages,
her heads were on display, simultaneously,

334
00:19:45,854 --> 00:19:49,529
at Lyons, Apt, Aix-la-chapelle
and Chartres in France,

335
00:19:49,574 --> 00:19:52,771
in Bologna, in Sicily
and in Duren in Germany.

336
00:19:52,814 --> 00:19:56,693
She must have had seven,
because the Church recognised them all.

337
00:19:56,734 --> 00:19:57,962
Good, time for another question then.

338
00:19:58,014 --> 00:20:02,963
How is it possible to die
and come back to life after three days?

339
00:20:03,014 --> 00:20:04,572
(Yodelling)

340
00:20:04,614 --> 00:20:06,844
Cryasthenics.

341
00:20:07,854 --> 00:20:11,290
Yes. l sort of know
what you're saying there,

342
00:20:11,334 --> 00:20:13,484
yes, cryogenics, yeah.

343
00:20:14,934 --> 00:20:17,323
l nearly said callisthenics.

344
00:20:17,374 --> 00:20:21,526
Yes, it's a mixture when you do exercises
while frozen in suspension.

345
00:20:21,574 --> 00:20:25,647
- Cryo... What was it? Genics.
- Cryogenics. When they freeze people.

346
00:20:25,694 --> 00:20:28,447
They freeze you and bring you back to life.

347
00:20:28,494 --> 00:20:33,045
No, you want to be a water bear,
which has a sweet name, a tardigrade.

348
00:20:33,094 --> 00:20:35,369
- There's one.
- ls that it?

349
00:20:35,414 --> 00:20:37,291
That's not a bear.

350
00:20:37,334 --> 00:20:40,326
- No...
- lt's the Sydney Opera House.

351
00:20:40,374 --> 00:20:44,128
- lt really is the Sydney Opera House.
- l see where you got the idea.

352
00:20:44,174 --> 00:20:48,247
They're not very big.
You can see them with the naked eye.

353
00:20:48,294 --> 00:20:50,364
We've done all kinds
of nasty things to them -

354
00:20:50,414 --> 00:20:55,647
boiled, frozen, poisoned, suffocated,
dehydrated and irradiated them

355
00:20:55,694 --> 00:20:59,733
And still they live. They put themselves
into suspended animation

356
00:20:59,774 --> 00:21:02,971
until things turn out nicely for them.

357
00:21:03,014 --> 00:21:06,609
(Yogi Bear impression) ''That's not
a very nice way to treat a bear.''

358
00:21:06,654 --> 00:21:08,645
(Stephen) No, it certainly isn't.

359
00:21:08,694 --> 00:21:10,924
''l've been bombarded
with radiation, Boo Boo,

360
00:21:10,974 --> 00:21:15,331
''they've frozen me and buried me.
l'm gonna be dead for a thousand....''

361
00:21:15,374 --> 00:21:17,365
(Boo Boo impression) ''Oh Yogi, Yogi.''

362
00:21:18,814 --> 00:21:22,807
Tardigrades have been frozen
to within one degree of absolute zero.

363
00:21:22,854 --> 00:21:26,210
l thought you were gonna say
to within an inch of their life.

364
00:21:26,254 --> 00:21:29,052
We shall freeze you
to within an inch of your life.

365
00:21:29,094 --> 00:21:31,767
Would you have that as a superpower,
if you could?

366
00:21:31,814 --> 00:21:35,409
- What is your superpower of choice?
- lnvisibility.

367
00:21:35,454 --> 00:21:38,207
- (Alan) Really?
- Yeah, lt would be great fun.

368
00:21:38,254 --> 00:21:41,485
- What would you like?
- l'd like to have no bodily smell.

369
00:21:51,094 --> 00:21:55,645
l would like to travel ahead in time
but only by two seconds.

370
00:21:57,494 --> 00:22:00,804
l could go ''Gesundheit''
and you would sneeze.

371
00:22:00,854 --> 00:22:03,322
You would really freak people out.

372
00:22:03,374 --> 00:22:06,684
That's a very funny idea.
We must have another question,

373
00:22:06,734 --> 00:22:08,725
another cracker question.

374
00:22:09,614 --> 00:22:10,967
So?

375
00:22:11,014 --> 00:22:13,164
Well, l'll read out what it says.

376
00:22:13,214 --> 00:22:16,604
''Where's, like,
the coolest place in the universe, man?''

377
00:22:17,694 --> 00:22:19,207
(Alan) Venus.

378
00:22:19,254 --> 00:22:22,963
You've deliberately chosen the planet
second nearest to the sun

379
00:22:23,014 --> 00:22:25,244
to be the coolest place in the universe?

380
00:22:25,294 --> 00:22:28,684
(Rich) Venus in the winter.
(Alan) Yeah.

381
00:22:29,694 --> 00:22:32,811
Neptune. Camden Market.

382
00:22:32,854 --> 00:22:36,051
Well, you were much nearer
than you were with Neptune,

383
00:22:36,094 --> 00:22:38,324
- because it's on earth.
- The freezer.

384
00:22:38,374 --> 00:22:42,208
No, the coldest you can go
is minus 273 centigrade,

385
00:22:42,254 --> 00:22:45,564
- known as absolute zero, or zero Kelvin.
- Brr!

386
00:22:45,614 --> 00:22:48,924
Then everything stops. Even the universe
is three degrees above absolute zero,

387
00:22:48,974 --> 00:22:53,172
because it has heat left from the big bang.
Even the coldest reaches of it.

388
00:22:53,214 --> 00:22:55,205
- Everything stops?
- Yeah.

389
00:22:55,254 --> 00:22:57,529
You can't get any colder?

390
00:22:57,574 --> 00:23:01,203
Yes, you can't get a bus,
a dentist's appointment, nothing.

391
00:23:01,254 --> 00:23:03,609
So where might it be absolute zero?

392
00:23:03,654 --> 00:23:08,603
Scientists have managed to create
a huge one ton metal bar,

393
00:23:08,654 --> 00:23:12,124
which is just a fraction of a degree
above absolute zero.

394
00:23:12,174 --> 00:23:14,688
ls it ironically in the middle of the desert?

395
00:23:14,734 --> 00:23:17,885
lt's in a very hot place indeed,
in Louisiana, yes.

396
00:23:17,934 --> 00:23:20,448
ln the State University of Louisiana.

397
00:23:20,494 --> 00:23:25,249
There's bound to be one scientist
goes in with the big iron bar one day.

398
00:23:31,134 --> 00:23:32,726
''Frank!''

399
00:23:32,774 --> 00:23:36,528
And then suddenly it'll be like -
(lmitates alarm)

400
00:23:36,574 --> 00:23:39,884
- SWAT team...
- ''Oh, not again!

401
00:23:39,934 --> 00:23:41,287
''Gary!''

402
00:23:42,734 --> 00:23:45,248
You can't resist it, can you?

403
00:23:45,294 --> 00:23:48,172
The only chance
there's something else as cold

404
00:23:48,214 --> 00:23:51,092
is if it's been created by
an alien intelligence.

405
00:23:51,134 --> 00:23:54,092
Now, for another round
of General lgnorance.

406
00:23:54,134 --> 00:23:57,092
Oh, no, l don't want to do
General lgnorance.

407
00:23:57,134 --> 00:23:59,170
- Why not?
- l always get them wrong

408
00:23:59,214 --> 00:24:01,728
and l will not be humiliated at Christmas.

409
00:24:03,494 --> 00:24:05,803
You don't know anything, that's the problem.

410
00:24:05,854 --> 00:24:09,972
You have all the answers,
there's no point telling me l know nothing.

411
00:24:10,014 --> 00:24:14,610
- You think it's easy for me, do you?
- Yes, l think it's quite easy for you.

412
00:24:14,654 --> 00:24:18,203
All right, why don't you sit here
and l'll sit there.

413
00:24:18,254 --> 00:24:20,245
(Applause)

414
00:24:20,294 --> 00:24:22,285
Go on. Go on.

415
00:24:22,334 --> 00:24:24,689
No, because l was only having a joke.

416
00:24:24,734 --> 00:24:26,725
Yeah, well it's Christmas.

417
00:24:26,774 --> 00:24:31,768
lt's traditional at Christmas time
for servants to be served by the master.

418
00:24:32,854 --> 00:24:35,129
Everything swaps round.
Go on, go on.

419
00:24:35,174 --> 00:24:39,929
Oh, it's easy now, you see,
l'll just lounge back and talk to Phill.

420
00:24:41,494 --> 00:24:43,485
OK, Stephen...

421
00:24:43,534 --> 00:24:46,412
Oh, yes? Oh, hello?

422
00:24:46,454 --> 00:24:49,491
Ha ha ha!
l've been waiting for this opportunity.

423
00:24:49,534 --> 00:24:52,367
- Oh, Christ.
- A question just for Stephen.

424
00:24:52,414 --> 00:24:54,803
- Yes?
- Who plays in goal for Aston Villa?

425
00:24:54,854 --> 00:24:56,253
Oh!

426
00:24:56,294 --> 00:24:58,888
- (Applause)
- Um...

427
00:25:00,854 --> 00:25:03,687
l know you've got a Swede
called Thomas Sanderson in goal,

428
00:25:03,734 --> 00:25:08,091
- but he's been taken over by Stefan Posta?
- Postma, yes.

429
00:25:08,134 --> 00:25:10,250
Postma, yeah. Which is...

430
00:25:12,054 --> 00:25:15,012
Which is your actual,
number one player?

431
00:25:15,054 --> 00:25:16,851
-Tom Sorenson.
- Tom Sorenson.

432
00:25:16,894 --> 00:25:19,567
He's actually Danish but l'll give you that.

433
00:25:19,614 --> 00:25:25,530
- He played against England, didn't he?
- Yes. This isn't going to work. OK.

434
00:25:25,574 --> 00:25:27,883
l just happened to know that.

435
00:25:27,934 --> 00:25:30,323
- Another question for Stephen.
- Oh, no.

436
00:25:31,654 --> 00:25:36,330
You probably all know this one
but what was Mozart's middle name?

437
00:25:36,374 --> 00:25:40,925
(Laughs) This is going to be
a trick question, isn't it?

438
00:25:40,974 --> 00:25:43,932
l don't know, you're the smarty pants.

439
00:25:46,054 --> 00:25:48,852
- Oh, bollocks!
- Have to hurry you.

440
00:25:48,894 --> 00:25:51,169
You want me to say Amadeus, so Amadeus.

441
00:25:51,214 --> 00:25:53,489
- (Alarm)
- Oh!

442
00:25:56,094 --> 00:26:01,885
Wolfgang! Johann Chrysostomus
Wolfgangus TheophoPhillus Mozart.

443
00:26:01,934 --> 00:26:04,971
He usually called himself Wolfgang Amade,

444
00:26:05,014 --> 00:26:08,245
not Amadeus. Or Wolfgang Gottleib.

445
00:26:08,294 --> 00:26:11,047
This question for Stephen Fry.

446
00:26:12,014 --> 00:26:14,767
How many states of matter are there?

447
00:26:14,814 --> 00:26:19,649
Oh, hello. Well, if you count plasma,
l suppose four. Liquid, solid...

448
00:26:19,694 --> 00:26:22,492
- (Alarm)
- Oh!

449
00:26:23,934 --> 00:26:26,129
(Alan) Four is wrong.

450
00:26:26,174 --> 00:26:28,165
Six. l'm surprised at you Stephen.

451
00:26:28,214 --> 00:26:29,442
Oh.

452
00:26:29,494 --> 00:26:31,883
lt's printed down, is it?

453
00:26:31,934 --> 00:26:35,643
They are, of course,
solid, liquid, gas, plasma,

454
00:26:35,694 --> 00:26:38,845
Bose-Einstein condensate
and fermionic condensate,

455
00:26:38,894 --> 00:26:41,249
sometimes known as 'filament'.

456
00:26:41,294 --> 00:26:43,125
(Applause)

457
00:26:43,174 --> 00:26:45,369
(Stephen) Gosh darn!

458
00:26:46,294 --> 00:26:50,082
- This question is for Stephen Fry.
- Oh.

459
00:26:50,134 --> 00:26:55,606
Alan Davies, hunched in front of his
pub trivia machine going, l'll have that.

460
00:26:55,654 --> 00:27:00,125
Which way does the bath water go down
the plug hole in the northern hemisphere?

461
00:27:00,174 --> 00:27:03,849
Whichever way you want it to.
You can push it one way or the other,

462
00:27:03,894 --> 00:27:05,885
l've tried it.

463
00:27:06,774 --> 00:27:08,571
Ohh.

464
00:27:12,374 --> 00:27:14,649
Yeah, that's true.

465
00:27:15,694 --> 00:27:18,766
''Stephen, what are you doing
in that bathroom?''

466
00:27:18,814 --> 00:27:22,204
''l'm pushing it to go one way.
l'm pushing it go the other.

467
00:27:22,254 --> 00:27:25,803
''l'm the master of the bath water!
Ha ha ha ha!''

468
00:27:25,854 --> 00:27:31,531
OK. What do penguins in the Falkland
lslands do when RAF jets fly over them?

469
00:27:32,734 --> 00:27:35,043
- (Xmas bells)
- Fry, Cambridge!

470
00:27:35,094 --> 00:27:38,131
(Applause)

471
00:27:40,894 --> 00:27:43,454
Er, they look up and
topple over backwards.

472
00:27:43,494 --> 00:27:46,406
- Really?
- (Alarm)

473
00:27:46,454 --> 00:27:50,242
You see, it's wrong. Oh, Fry, you idiot!

474
00:27:55,374 --> 00:27:57,490
They walk away from the noise.

475
00:27:57,534 --> 00:28:01,163
The idea that they watch
the jets going overhead

476
00:28:01,214 --> 00:28:04,286
and then fall backwards
is an urban myth.

477
00:28:04,934 --> 00:28:10,850
This one, for everyone.
What kind of animal is sacred in lndia?

478
00:28:12,454 --> 00:28:14,445
Do not say ''cow''.

479
00:28:15,294 --> 00:28:17,808
Do not say ''cow''.

480
00:28:17,854 --> 00:28:20,527
- That's my hint.
- (Fanfare)

481
00:28:20,574 --> 00:28:22,804
(Phill) ls it cow?

482
00:28:22,854 --> 00:28:25,493
- (Alarm)
- l warned you.

483
00:28:27,174 --> 00:28:30,644
There are no sacred cows in lndia,
sacred is a Christian term,

484
00:28:30,694 --> 00:28:33,447
it doesn't really apply to lndia and to cows,

485
00:28:33,494 --> 00:28:37,407
there are no cow deities, cow icons,
cow statues and temples to cows.

486
00:28:37,454 --> 00:28:41,970
Cows are one of the few animals
that are not the object of worship in lndia.

487
00:28:42,014 --> 00:28:44,369
Well done. Do you want me to wrap up?

488
00:28:44,414 --> 00:28:47,611
- Yeah, why don't you...
- l'll wrap up. Well done.

489
00:28:47,654 --> 00:28:51,044
- (Applause)
- (Stephen) l'd hate to see the scores.

490
00:28:51,974 --> 00:28:53,965
Well done.

491
00:28:56,854 --> 00:29:00,927
On that extraordinary note,
let's look at the scores.

492
00:29:00,974 --> 00:29:05,889
ln first place, with a very proud
and impressive seven points is Rich Hall.

493
00:29:05,934 --> 00:29:08,129
(Applause)

494
00:29:09,814 --> 00:29:12,487
ln second place is Mark, with two points.

495
00:29:12,534 --> 00:29:14,525
(Applause)

496
00:29:14,574 --> 00:29:17,850
- Phill is third with minus three.
- (Applause)

497
00:29:19,974 --> 00:29:22,169
Alan has minus 52.

498
00:29:22,214 --> 00:29:24,205
(Applause)

499
00:29:25,894 --> 00:29:30,331
But, unfortunately, our runway loser
is Stephen on minus 56.

500
00:29:30,374 --> 00:29:32,365
(Applause)

501
00:29:34,254 --> 00:29:36,484
Dear, oh, dear.

502
00:29:36,534 --> 00:29:41,483
So, from Rich, Mark, Phill, Alan and myself,
and from all of us at Ql,

503
00:29:41,534 --> 00:29:44,571
hope you enjoy
the rest of the Christmas holiday.

504
00:29:44,614 --> 00:29:47,890
Have a brilliant New Year
and we'll see you again soon.

505
00:29:47,934 --> 00:29:50,971
- Goodnight. Happy Christmas.
(Applause)