1 00:00:24,207 --> 00:00:28,200 (Applause) 2 00:00:33,647 --> 00:00:39,279 Well, hello, hello, hello, hello, and welcome to Ql, 3 00:00:39,327 --> 00:00:42,285 where once again we lurch off the information superhighway 4 00:00:42,327 --> 00:00:46,036 to ramble the bumpy byroads of bovinity. 5 00:00:46,087 --> 00:00:49,921 ln the back of the bus tonight we have Bill Bailey. 6 00:00:49,967 --> 00:00:53,482 (Applause) 7 00:00:53,527 --> 00:00:57,918 - Rich Hall. - (Applause) 8 00:00:57,967 --> 00:01:00,765 - Rob Brydon. - (Applause) 9 00:01:00,807 --> 00:01:02,763 And Alan Davies. 10 00:01:02,807 --> 00:01:07,722 (Applause) 11 00:01:07,767 --> 00:01:10,600 Well, if we're all aboard, let's go and try our buzzers. 12 00:01:10,647 --> 00:01:11,682 Bill goes... 13 00:01:11,727 --> 00:01:13,319 (Bus bell) 14 00:01:13,367 --> 00:01:15,164 And Rob goes... 15 00:01:15,207 --> 00:01:21,840 (# Tuneless rendition of Bread Of Heaven) 16 00:01:21,887 --> 00:01:23,240 And Rich goes... 17 00:01:23,287 --> 00:01:25,164 (Wolf howl) 18 00:01:25,207 --> 00:01:26,435 (Laughter) 19 00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:27,715 How is that a bus? 20 00:01:27,767 --> 00:01:31,077 - lt's a dog being hit by a bus. - Oh, fine. 21 00:01:31,127 --> 00:01:32,845 A Greyhound, presumably. 22 00:01:32,887 --> 00:01:35,606 - (Audience groan) - Thank you. 23 00:01:35,647 --> 00:01:37,603 And Alan goes... 24 00:01:37,647 --> 00:01:40,923 (Children) # The wheels on the bus go round and round 25 00:01:40,967 --> 00:01:43,083 # All day long # 26 00:01:43,127 --> 00:01:44,560 (Bus bell) 27 00:01:44,607 --> 00:01:46,245 (Stephen) Very good. (Applause) 28 00:01:47,487 --> 00:01:49,079 Well done. 29 00:01:50,447 --> 00:01:53,120 And we start this evening with cartography. 30 00:01:53,167 --> 00:01:55,397 What's quite interesting 31 00:01:55,447 --> 00:01:58,325 about the most detailed map of Britain? 32 00:01:58,367 --> 00:02:00,756 That isn't the most detailed map of Britain. 33 00:02:00,807 --> 00:02:02,206 No, that is an example of map... 34 00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:05,717 l've seen maps, certainly, that have my road on, for example. 35 00:02:07,087 --> 00:02:08,998 So, is it the Ordnance Survey? 36 00:02:09,047 --> 00:02:11,607 That's very good, it is indeed the Ordnance Survey map. 37 00:02:11,647 --> 00:02:16,596 So what you'd need, then, would be a kind of real life-size map? 38 00:02:16,647 --> 00:02:18,046 (Bill) No. 39 00:02:19,047 --> 00:02:23,165 Where would you unfold that? You'd probably have to do it in Canada. 40 00:02:24,087 --> 00:02:26,442 ls it a secret map, a secret map which shows that 41 00:02:26,487 --> 00:02:29,684 Cornwall and Devon's actually a little bit further away? 42 00:02:30,927 --> 00:02:32,997 lt's a conspiracy with the tourist industry, 43 00:02:33,047 --> 00:02:35,561 to make it seem it's a bit nearer but it's actually not. 44 00:02:35,607 --> 00:02:38,167 All the portals and warm hole... wormholes in space. 45 00:02:38,207 --> 00:02:41,005 - And the warm holes as well. - The warm holes. 46 00:02:41,967 --> 00:02:44,083 (Stephen) You like a warm hole, do you, Rob? 47 00:02:45,447 --> 00:02:47,836 You know... there is a map, there is a map 48 00:02:47,887 --> 00:02:50,003 which l think that Ml5 have, which shows... 49 00:02:50,047 --> 00:02:52,083 which shows not just Hadrian's Wall, 50 00:02:52,127 --> 00:02:54,641 but you see Hadrian's conservatory 51 00:02:54,687 --> 00:02:57,679 and Hadrian's water feature, which is very nice. 52 00:02:57,727 --> 00:02:59,877 lt sort of cascades down over pebbles. 53 00:02:59,927 --> 00:03:01,883 Yes. Carlisle is in a sense, 54 00:03:01,927 --> 00:03:03,997 Hadrian's sliding patio door, isn't it? 55 00:03:05,967 --> 00:03:08,481 Now this is an OS map, an Ordnance Survey map, 56 00:03:08,527 --> 00:03:10,119 Published in 2002. 57 00:03:11,127 --> 00:03:15,040 What's really quite interesting about it, l think we might focus on the price of it. 58 00:03:15,087 --> 00:03:17,840 How much would you pay for a copy of... 59 00:03:17,887 --> 00:03:20,606 - £4.99. - £4.99 is amazingly close. 60 00:03:20,647 --> 00:03:23,320 lt comes out on CD, actually, because it's very detailed. 61 00:03:23,367 --> 00:03:24,561 lt shows pillar boxes. 62 00:03:24,607 --> 00:03:27,883 ls this the sort of thing you get in satellite navigation, in cars? 63 00:03:27,927 --> 00:03:31,078 Cos l had that when l was on tour and it's useless. 64 00:03:31,127 --> 00:03:36,759 You get to Milton Keynes and it just goes, "Turn left, turn left, turn left, turn left." 65 00:03:36,807 --> 00:03:39,560 Well it's not good if you're insecure because she says, 66 00:03:39,607 --> 00:03:42,280 "You have missed your destination". 67 00:03:42,327 --> 00:03:45,319 And that can get you right there, you know? 68 00:03:45,367 --> 00:03:48,200 l had a gun sight, you know, a telescopic gun sight. 69 00:03:48,247 --> 00:03:51,398 What message does that send? A gun sight when you get to destination. 70 00:03:51,447 --> 00:03:53,199 "So you have reached your destination, 71 00:03:53,247 --> 00:03:55,078 "now slaughter the family." 72 00:03:55,127 --> 00:03:56,355 (Laughter) 73 00:03:56,407 --> 00:03:58,443 Kill them, kill them all! 74 00:03:59,567 --> 00:04:03,321 Well, it's very detailed, it's on CD-ROM, 75 00:04:03,367 --> 00:04:06,882 and what's perhaps surprising about it, is its cost. 76 00:04:06,927 --> 00:04:11,205 lt costs £4,990,000. 77 00:04:11,247 --> 00:04:15,081 (Stephen) So when you said 4.99 you were oddly right. 78 00:04:15,127 --> 00:04:18,403 You don't pay it in one go, Stephen. Don't they do over easy payments, 79 00:04:18,447 --> 00:04:22,042 as you get each section of the map, "lt builds to this wonderful collection." 80 00:04:22,087 --> 00:04:23,839 (Laughter) 81 00:04:24,727 --> 00:04:27,924 Well, each town is £30,000, 82 00:04:27,967 --> 00:04:29,116 - and... - Port Talbot? 83 00:04:29,167 --> 00:04:32,398 They're not going to charge £30,000 for Port Talbot, Stephen. 84 00:04:32,447 --> 00:04:34,881 They're not going to get that, come on, no, no, no. 85 00:04:34,927 --> 00:04:37,361 - ls it on the South Wales coast? - Yes. Yes. 86 00:04:37,407 --> 00:04:40,717 You'd be lucky to get 15 quid for that, in all honesty. 87 00:04:40,767 --> 00:04:42,723 lt's the home town of such great actors 88 00:04:42,767 --> 00:04:46,077 as Rob Brydon and Antony Hopkins and... 89 00:04:46,127 --> 00:04:49,039 - Richard Burton... - Richard Burton and Michael Sheen. 90 00:04:49,087 --> 00:04:51,555 - Burton... Burton... - (Stephen) B-Burton. 91 00:04:51,607 --> 00:04:52,960 - Sorry, thank you. - Burton! 92 00:04:53,007 --> 00:04:54,838 Will you stop saying Burton at me, please? 93 00:04:54,887 --> 00:04:57,799 - (Laughter) - lt's beginning to frighten me. 94 00:04:57,847 --> 00:05:01,078 Yes, well Port Talbot, may be less than £30,000. 95 00:05:01,127 --> 00:05:04,199 lt's like that old joke about the atomic bomb going off in Cardiff 96 00:05:04,247 --> 00:05:07,557 and causing seven pounds worth of damage. 97 00:05:07,607 --> 00:05:10,519 l would like something you put on your computer 98 00:05:10,567 --> 00:05:12,523 and it shows you where everybody is, 99 00:05:12,567 --> 00:05:14,478 and all the animals, all the little foxes. 100 00:05:14,607 --> 00:05:16,518 (Bill) l want a focused, yeah... 101 00:05:16,567 --> 00:05:21,083 Did you know all rats in England all face the same direction at any given time? 102 00:05:21,127 --> 00:05:23,277 - Oh, come on. - (Bill) Yeah that's right 103 00:05:23,327 --> 00:05:26,046 - cos they're magnetic, aren't they, rats? - Yeah. 104 00:05:26,087 --> 00:05:27,315 (Laughter) 105 00:05:27,367 --> 00:05:30,723 They've spent so long in lead-lined sewage pipes, 106 00:05:30,767 --> 00:05:33,201 that they move with the curvature of the earth. 107 00:05:33,247 --> 00:05:36,398 That's right, hence the phrase, there's rat and true rat. 108 00:05:36,447 --> 00:05:38,517 (Laughter) 109 00:05:38,567 --> 00:05:40,364 And absolute rat. 110 00:05:42,647 --> 00:05:44,683 lt's very hard for rat couples 111 00:05:44,727 --> 00:05:46,922 who have that kind of reverse polarity going on. 112 00:05:46,967 --> 00:05:49,356 You know when you can't put two magnets together? 113 00:05:49,407 --> 00:05:51,045 And there are rats who fall in love 114 00:05:51,087 --> 00:05:54,079 and they are destined to be together and they can't kiss. 115 00:05:54,127 --> 00:05:56,038 They get about that close, 116 00:05:56,087 --> 00:05:58,123 and zoom, they've turned the other way. 117 00:05:58,167 --> 00:06:00,237 (Rob) And they're staring at their arse... 118 00:06:00,287 --> 00:06:04,200 - (Bill) They've iron filings up their whiskers. - Yeah. 119 00:06:04,247 --> 00:06:07,080 For £5,000,000, l would want a map that showed me, 120 00:06:07,127 --> 00:06:09,436 looking at the map l'd just bought. 121 00:06:09,487 --> 00:06:10,886 (Laughter) 122 00:06:10,927 --> 00:06:13,646 Me standing there, looking at the... 123 00:06:13,687 --> 00:06:15,598 (Bill and Stephen) You are here. 124 00:06:16,567 --> 00:06:19,286 lt does seem pricey, l grant you. 125 00:06:19,327 --> 00:06:21,363 The word map comes from the Latin for? 126 00:06:21,407 --> 00:06:24,365 (Alan and Rob) Map. (Laughter) 127 00:06:24,407 --> 00:06:26,284 lt comes from the Latin word "mappa", 128 00:06:26,327 --> 00:06:29,524 as in "mappa mundi", but it actually meant a napkin. 129 00:06:29,567 --> 00:06:31,603 They would draw maps on cloth, on a napkin, 130 00:06:31,647 --> 00:06:32,875 so it became known as a mappa 131 00:06:32,927 --> 00:06:35,236 and then it just extended to a map. 132 00:06:35,287 --> 00:06:39,200 Rob, what's the difference between a Carlisle Surprise, 133 00:06:39,247 --> 00:06:41,920 a Reverse Canterbury Pleasure 134 00:06:41,967 --> 00:06:45,198 and sheep tied to a lamp post in Cardiff? 135 00:06:47,047 --> 00:06:52,565 Now this is another example of the institutionalised racism... 136 00:06:53,367 --> 00:06:58,487 ...which is accepted when it's directed towards the Welsh. 137 00:06:58,527 --> 00:06:59,642 As it has been tonight. 138 00:06:59,687 --> 00:07:01,643 ls this a reference to the joke about the... 139 00:07:01,687 --> 00:07:06,044 about what is a sheep tied to a lamp post in Cardiff? 140 00:07:06,087 --> 00:07:09,602 lt's a leisure centre. Now, because... 141 00:07:09,647 --> 00:07:13,242 - lt's awfully good... - No, no, no, no, no. No. No. 142 00:07:13,287 --> 00:07:16,723 - And you, no. You, no. - No. 143 00:07:16,767 --> 00:07:18,564 And you, no. 144 00:07:20,087 --> 00:07:21,315 What is the difference? 145 00:07:21,367 --> 00:07:23,597 The only thing l have knowledge of is the sheep... 146 00:07:23,647 --> 00:07:25,877 No, l mean... sorry, l have knowledge of Cardiff. 147 00:07:25,927 --> 00:07:27,360 l don't... 148 00:07:27,407 --> 00:07:30,604 Well, l'm not really aware of what a Carlisle Surprise is, 149 00:07:30,647 --> 00:07:34,606 other than the shock of finding yourself at Carlisle. 150 00:07:34,647 --> 00:07:36,478 Which is surely more of a delight. 151 00:07:36,527 --> 00:07:39,325 - (Stephen) Yes. A total delight. - A Reverse Canterbury... 152 00:07:39,487 --> 00:07:42,684 The full name is a Reverse Canterbury Pleasure Place Double. 153 00:07:42,727 --> 00:07:45,002 lt's an ancient English pastime. 154 00:07:45,047 --> 00:07:47,607 ls it Morris dancing? ls it a type of Morris dancing? 155 00:07:47,647 --> 00:07:50,161 Not Morris dancing, no. lt has musical... 156 00:07:50,207 --> 00:07:52,482 - (Rich) Break dancing. ...nature. 157 00:07:52,527 --> 00:07:55,803 lt's not a dance. lt's as big a musical instrument as you could find. 158 00:07:55,847 --> 00:07:57,439 A whale. 159 00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:01,201 With a whale, you just put your hand over the blow hole. 160 00:08:01,247 --> 00:08:06,924 (Whistles, sings) The whale joins in. 161 00:08:06,967 --> 00:08:09,356 He's making jokes about Wales. 162 00:08:14,407 --> 00:08:15,726 - (Stephen) No... - Cheeky. 163 00:08:15,767 --> 00:08:18,964 The name for this pastime comes from the Latin for countryside 164 00:08:19,007 --> 00:08:22,886 but a particular part of the Latin countryside called Campania and so it's called... 165 00:08:22,927 --> 00:08:24,679 - Oh, bells. - Campanology. 166 00:08:24,727 --> 00:08:26,797 (Stephen) Absolutely right. Bell ringing. 167 00:08:26,847 --> 00:08:28,519 - Bell ringing. - Bell ringing. 168 00:08:28,567 --> 00:08:31,286 lt's bells are... Well, and their tunes, 169 00:08:31,327 --> 00:08:33,682 or rather "methods", as bell ringers call them, 170 00:08:33,727 --> 00:08:37,561 and they're uniquely English. And if you have six bells, 171 00:08:37,607 --> 00:08:41,964 there are how many different permutations of six bells? 172 00:08:42,007 --> 00:08:45,124 Well, six, times five, times four, times three, times two. 173 00:08:45,167 --> 00:08:47,681 - Lots and lots and lots... - (Stephen) lt's 720. 174 00:08:47,727 --> 00:08:49,843 lf you play through each permutation, 175 00:08:49,887 --> 00:08:52,196 that's called a peel of bells 176 00:08:52,247 --> 00:08:55,603 and it's also called - an English phrase we use quite a lot - 177 00:08:55,647 --> 00:08:58,798 "ringing the changes" cos those sequences are called changes. 178 00:08:58,847 --> 00:09:01,361 That's where the phrase to ring the changes comes from. 179 00:09:01,407 --> 00:09:02,442 (Alan) Quite interesting. 180 00:09:02,487 --> 00:09:06,685 With 12 bells, there are 479,001,600 variations, 181 00:09:06,727 --> 00:09:09,958 so that would take 38 years to ring a peel of twelve bells. 182 00:09:10,007 --> 00:09:11,884 Wow. 183 00:09:11,927 --> 00:09:14,600 When l was growing up, if my dad hit his thumb with a hammer - 184 00:09:14,647 --> 00:09:18,799 he didn't often, but occasionally, just for something a bit different, he'd do it - 185 00:09:18,847 --> 00:09:21,805 he would say, "hells bells and buckets of blood." 186 00:09:21,847 --> 00:09:24,964 lt's a good phrase. Sounds good, doesn't it? 187 00:09:25,007 --> 00:09:27,282 lt's a good way of getting it out of your system. 188 00:09:27,327 --> 00:09:29,841 l say (Beep) and things like that. 189 00:09:29,887 --> 00:09:34,085 - (Stephen) Erm... anyway... - (Applause) 190 00:09:34,127 --> 00:09:36,004 The first time l heard my mother say (Beep), 191 00:09:36,047 --> 00:09:39,926 l could not believe it, because my brother and l thought we'd made the word up. 192 00:09:39,967 --> 00:09:41,605 (Laughter) 193 00:09:41,647 --> 00:09:44,480 l remember the first time l said (Beep). My dad heard me. 194 00:09:44,527 --> 00:09:46,643 He walked by my door. l said, "Dad, shut the door, 195 00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,598 "l'm trying to (Beep) in here." 196 00:09:48,647 --> 00:09:52,322 (Laughter) 197 00:09:52,927 --> 00:09:57,443 (Stephen) Well, no, peeling bells was considered in the 17th Century 198 00:09:57,487 --> 00:09:59,045 something of a vice. 199 00:09:59,087 --> 00:10:02,124 John Bunyan denounced it, along with dancing, 200 00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:04,442 playing tipcat and reading the history 201 00:10:04,487 --> 00:10:07,479 of Sir Bevis of Southampton. 202 00:10:07,527 --> 00:10:09,518 - (Bill) What was that? - Tipcat. 203 00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:11,364 - Tipcat. - Oh, tipcat. 204 00:10:11,407 --> 00:10:13,477 - Where you just... - (Alan) Tip the cat. 205 00:10:13,527 --> 00:10:14,516 lt was denounced. 206 00:10:14,567 --> 00:10:18,958 Goes onto its side like that. Tip it back up again. 207 00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:21,276 Oh, right. 208 00:10:23,127 --> 00:10:25,118 Well it was the Chinese who gave us bells. 209 00:10:25,167 --> 00:10:26,759 1200 BC... 210 00:10:26,807 --> 00:10:29,958 The Chinese claim to have invented absolutely everything. 211 00:10:30,007 --> 00:10:31,599 (Stephen)They did, yeah. 212 00:10:31,647 --> 00:10:33,319 And all l say to the Chinese is, 213 00:10:33,367 --> 00:10:35,403 "Why didn't you invent the camera 214 00:10:35,447 --> 00:10:38,723 "1200 years ago, so we could prove it?" 215 00:10:39,327 --> 00:10:42,683 Which brings us back to Alan and maps. 216 00:10:42,727 --> 00:10:44,843 - What, what have l done? - A question for you. 217 00:10:44,887 --> 00:10:46,957 A hundred points in this if you get it. 218 00:10:47,007 --> 00:10:50,522 - A hundred Nectar points? - No. 219 00:10:51,127 --> 00:10:54,085 100 points if you can tell me which was the last place in Britain 220 00:10:54,127 --> 00:10:56,322 to convert to Christianity? 221 00:10:57,367 --> 00:10:58,720 God, l know this. 222 00:10:58,767 --> 00:11:00,917 (Laughter) 223 00:11:02,087 --> 00:11:03,998 Oh, it's got... 224 00:11:04,047 --> 00:11:05,844 (Bill) Er... 225 00:11:07,687 --> 00:11:09,678 - Any... Any... - No, no... 226 00:11:13,687 --> 00:11:14,802 (Alan) E... (Sighs) 227 00:11:14,847 --> 00:11:16,166 (Laughter) 228 00:11:16,207 --> 00:11:17,196 (Bus bell) 229 00:11:17,247 --> 00:11:19,556 - (Stephen) Go on. - ls it the summit of Ben Nevis? 230 00:11:19,607 --> 00:11:22,280 (Laughter) 231 00:11:24,247 --> 00:11:28,604 Two guys - "Aye, what's this Christianity? 232 00:11:28,647 --> 00:11:31,002 - "ls that a new thing?" - Any thoughts on this side? 233 00:11:31,047 --> 00:11:33,880 ls it a place called, uh... 234 00:11:33,927 --> 00:11:38,239 Satan ls My Master-on-Wye? 235 00:11:38,287 --> 00:11:39,845 lt's pronounced "Simster". 236 00:11:39,887 --> 00:11:42,355 Simster, that's very good. 237 00:11:42,407 --> 00:11:45,877 ls it on the British mainland or is it somewhere like the Falklands? 238 00:11:45,927 --> 00:11:49,078 - (Bill) The Lake District! - No. lt is not on the British mainland. 239 00:11:49,127 --> 00:11:51,641 (Alan) Essex. (Rich) Not on the mainland. 240 00:11:51,687 --> 00:11:54,247 l repeat, it is not on the British mainland. 241 00:11:54,287 --> 00:11:57,882 Essex is not culturally on the British mainland, but... 242 00:11:58,567 --> 00:12:00,364 - The lsle of Man. - (Stephen) Oh! 243 00:12:00,407 --> 00:12:02,967 - lsle of Wight? - (Stephen) Yes! lt's the lsle of Wight. 244 00:12:03,007 --> 00:12:06,204 - Well done. - (Applause) 245 00:12:06,247 --> 00:12:09,319 What are you clapping for? That was a total guess. 246 00:12:10,687 --> 00:12:15,522 Brilliant! No, it's surprising, because you would imagine, of course, 247 00:12:15,567 --> 00:12:18,764 that the lsle of Wight was the first place the Christians would come to. 248 00:12:18,807 --> 00:12:21,879 # The wheels on the bus go round and round # 249 00:12:21,927 --> 00:12:23,565 - The Needles. - Yes, darling, 250 00:12:23,607 --> 00:12:26,167 - those are called The Needles. - (Laughter) 251 00:12:26,207 --> 00:12:29,324 Very good, one point to you for knowing about the Needles. 252 00:12:29,367 --> 00:12:30,561 Top work. 253 00:12:30,607 --> 00:12:32,359 What do you know about the lsle of Wight? 254 00:12:32,407 --> 00:12:35,365 All the clocks stopped in 1952. 255 00:12:35,407 --> 00:12:38,683 And all the shops are the same as they were then. 256 00:12:38,727 --> 00:12:42,242 - (Laughter) - lt does seem a little like that, doesn't it? 257 00:12:42,287 --> 00:12:45,359 Yes, there's one species of animal that's still... 258 00:12:45,407 --> 00:12:48,444 - Dog, cat, rat, mouse... ...hasn't made it to the lsle of Wight. 259 00:12:48,487 --> 00:12:50,955 - Horses. - There are horses on the lsle of White. 260 00:12:51,007 --> 00:12:53,805 Most people are pleased this animal hasn't made it. Not a fox. 261 00:12:53,847 --> 00:12:55,121 (Bill) Flea. (Rich) Snake. 262 00:12:55,167 --> 00:12:56,759 (Rob) The rat, because of the magnet. 263 00:12:56,807 --> 00:12:59,275 - (Stephen) lt's often called... - Pigeons. 264 00:12:59,327 --> 00:13:01,204 lt's often called a kind of rat. 265 00:13:01,247 --> 00:13:03,044 (Bill) Mouse. (Rob) Squirrel! 266 00:13:03,087 --> 00:13:05,601 - The grey squirrel. - Squirrel! Squirrel! 267 00:13:05,647 --> 00:13:07,638 - All right, all right. - Stephen! 268 00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:10,076 - (Stephen) l was going... - Shut up, Bill. Stephen! 269 00:13:10,127 --> 00:13:12,004 - You've made your point. - The squirrel. 270 00:13:12,047 --> 00:13:13,480 - The grey... - The grey squirrel. 271 00:13:13,527 --> 00:13:16,280 - The North American grey squirrel. - # The wheels on the bus... # 272 00:13:16,327 --> 00:13:20,081 - (Rob) Don't say squirrel. - The North American grey squirrel. 273 00:13:20,127 --> 00:13:22,960 Well done, Alan, very good. You're the first person to get that. 274 00:13:23,007 --> 00:13:26,522 Now, we're... Oh, Rob, l wouldn't do that to you. 275 00:13:26,567 --> 00:13:30,037 - (Alan) lt's an editing masterclass. - Oh, look at his little face. 276 00:13:30,087 --> 00:13:32,681 Editing masterclass you say, all right. 277 00:13:32,727 --> 00:13:35,685 - The North American grey squirrel? - (Alan) Red squirrel. 278 00:13:35,727 --> 00:13:38,685 The red squirrel can't live with the grey squirrel. 279 00:13:38,727 --> 00:13:41,161 Ebony and ivory are together on my piano keyboard, 280 00:13:41,207 --> 00:13:42,526 so why can't they be? 281 00:13:42,567 --> 00:13:43,920 (Bill) Yeah. 282 00:13:43,967 --> 00:13:46,003 (Laughter) (Stephen) Something like that. 283 00:13:46,047 --> 00:13:48,686 What, do you mean a kind of squirrel fur keyboard? 284 00:13:48,727 --> 00:13:50,922 - (Laughter) - That would be nice. 285 00:13:50,967 --> 00:13:53,197 That's barbaric, are you saying you want pianos 286 00:13:53,247 --> 00:13:55,807 clad in the pelt of a squirrel? 287 00:13:55,847 --> 00:14:00,125 Because if that's what you're saying, Fry, you should be stopped. 288 00:14:00,167 --> 00:14:03,000 The lsle of Wight was the last place in Britain to be invaded 289 00:14:03,047 --> 00:14:05,800 - by the French, by a foreign... - How did they miss that then? 290 00:14:05,847 --> 00:14:07,280 - Sorry? - How did they miss it? 291 00:14:07,327 --> 00:14:09,841 Did they go onto the mainland and then straight up? 292 00:14:09,887 --> 00:14:11,206 - Oh, Christianity? - Yeah. 293 00:14:11,247 --> 00:14:12,521 lt's odd, isn't it? 294 00:14:12,567 --> 00:14:15,479 When they came back, they went, "Hang on, what's all this?" 295 00:14:15,527 --> 00:14:18,405 (Stephen) You've left this bit out. ...worshipping Satan. 296 00:14:18,447 --> 00:14:21,325 lt was in 686 AD, 297 00:14:21,367 --> 00:14:23,961 almost a century after the rest of the country. 298 00:14:24,007 --> 00:14:27,158 lt was subjugated by Caedwalla, who was King of the West Saxons 299 00:14:27,207 --> 00:14:29,516 and who had to kill most of the pagan population 300 00:14:29,567 --> 00:14:31,364 to Christianise it. (Chuckles) 301 00:14:31,407 --> 00:14:33,716 Good old Christianity, eh? 302 00:14:34,847 --> 00:14:39,398 Talking of Christianity, Rich, could Jesus walk on custard? 303 00:14:39,447 --> 00:14:41,119 What? 304 00:14:42,327 --> 00:14:45,125 Maybe at one point when he was a children's entertainer... 305 00:14:45,167 --> 00:14:47,840 - (Laughter) - Sounds like a sarcastic question 306 00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,798 you would ask Jesus. "Water? Yeah, great. 307 00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:51,280 "What about custard?" 308 00:14:51,327 --> 00:14:52,646 (Laughter) 309 00:14:53,327 --> 00:14:56,285 - lt's not so much a question of could he... - You're saying he did? 310 00:14:56,327 --> 00:14:59,364 He did, he did, l mean it was very hard to stop him actually. 311 00:14:59,407 --> 00:15:02,638 This, this was one, this has come out in research recently, 312 00:15:02,687 --> 00:15:05,565 this was one of the Lord's favourite pastimes. 313 00:15:05,607 --> 00:15:07,563 Out with the bread, out with the fish, 314 00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:10,440 "Look what l've got for dessert, somebody hold my shoes." 315 00:15:10,487 --> 00:15:13,160 And he'd be, you know, and he'd be doing it. 316 00:15:13,207 --> 00:15:16,119 He could turn everything... lt was just water, wasn't it, 317 00:15:16,167 --> 00:15:18,442 it was a lake, and he'd just go "bing", and make it anything. 318 00:15:18,487 --> 00:15:21,001 - Jelly, custard, lnstant Whip, anything. - Yeah, yeah. 319 00:15:21,047 --> 00:15:22,844 Did he walk on a lake of custard 320 00:15:22,887 --> 00:15:25,003 or did he have lots of bowls of custard 321 00:15:25,047 --> 00:15:27,561 and step between them like that? 322 00:15:27,607 --> 00:15:30,883 Well, the fact is, not only could Jesus walk on custard, 323 00:15:30,927 --> 00:15:32,883 you can walk on custard, l can walk on custard. 324 00:15:32,927 --> 00:15:36,761 All of us can walk on custard, as this experiment 325 00:15:36,807 --> 00:15:40,038 by the Sky One programme Brainiac clearly shows. 326 00:15:47,807 --> 00:15:50,526 There you are, that is not a fraud, that is absolutely real. 327 00:15:50,567 --> 00:15:54,276 lt's a non-Newtonian dilatant fluid. 328 00:15:54,327 --> 00:15:56,636 And it's, it's honestly true, this, 329 00:15:56,687 --> 00:15:59,360 it means that the more pressure you put on it, 330 00:15:59,407 --> 00:16:02,319 the more weight you put on it, the harder and firmer it becomes. 331 00:16:02,367 --> 00:16:06,519 - You could slowly put your finger though it. - Oh, boy. Here we go. 332 00:16:07,047 --> 00:16:09,322 This is raising images! 333 00:16:10,607 --> 00:16:13,360 Your finger slips in smoothly... 334 00:16:15,287 --> 00:16:18,040 No please, help me out here, but if you slap it hard... 335 00:16:18,087 --> 00:16:21,762 - (Alan) Help me out? - No. 336 00:16:21,807 --> 00:16:23,763 Oh, dear. 337 00:16:23,807 --> 00:16:27,766 A normal bowl of custard, we know, would support a fly 338 00:16:27,807 --> 00:16:30,002 and we know it wouldn't support a man, 339 00:16:30,047 --> 00:16:31,321 so somewhere, you know, 340 00:16:31,367 --> 00:16:34,723 somewhere in between those two examples, 341 00:16:34,767 --> 00:16:39,238 would it support, for example, a vole or a mouse? 342 00:16:39,287 --> 00:16:40,276 Probably. 343 00:16:40,327 --> 00:16:41,965 Children everywhere all over the country 344 00:16:42,007 --> 00:16:44,885 - will now be putting their hamsters... - (Stephen) They'll be walking on custard. 345 00:16:44,927 --> 00:16:46,326 ...in bowls of custard. 346 00:16:46,367 --> 00:16:48,278 Children, whatever you do, please, 347 00:16:48,327 --> 00:16:52,320 please try and walk on as much custard as you can. 348 00:16:53,567 --> 00:16:56,798 We turn now to the darker side of entertainment. 349 00:16:56,847 --> 00:17:00,476 Name the teams at the Coliseum of ancient Rome. 350 00:17:00,527 --> 00:17:02,199 The Christians and the lions. 351 00:17:02,287 --> 00:17:03,766 - (Alarm bells) - No? 352 00:17:03,807 --> 00:17:07,561 Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh. 353 00:17:07,607 --> 00:17:09,802 The fact is no, there is no evidence whatsoever... 354 00:17:09,847 --> 00:17:12,645 - (Alan) No team sports. ...that lions were put against Christians. 355 00:17:12,687 --> 00:17:14,917 There weren't any team sports, it was every man for himself. 356 00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:19,085 - l've seen it in that film. - ln which film would that be? 357 00:17:19,127 --> 00:17:21,163 - The one about the gladiator. - Called Gladiator? 358 00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:22,526 - Yes. - Oh, that one, yes. 359 00:17:22,567 --> 00:17:26,162 And the floor opens like that and tigers come out. 360 00:17:26,207 --> 00:17:28,004 - Spring out, didn't they? - (Alan) Yeah. 361 00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:30,083 And do you remember the name of the Emperor, 362 00:17:30,127 --> 00:17:32,197 played by Joaquin Phoenix in that film? 363 00:17:32,247 --> 00:17:33,919 - What was his name? - Oh, goodness knows. 364 00:17:33,967 --> 00:17:35,366 (Rob) Oliver Reed. (Bill) Augustus? 365 00:17:35,407 --> 00:17:37,125 No. 366 00:17:37,167 --> 00:17:39,044 Am l in the right area? 367 00:17:39,087 --> 00:17:40,805 (Stephen) Not really dear, no. Commodus. 368 00:17:40,847 --> 00:17:42,519 Commodus, Commodus, Commodus. 369 00:17:42,567 --> 00:17:44,797 Who's good on Roman Emperors, are you? 370 00:17:44,847 --> 00:17:46,326 - No. - l don't know anything about them. 371 00:17:46,367 --> 00:17:48,642 l know me champagne names but l don't know me Roman Emperors. 372 00:17:48,687 --> 00:17:51,281 - Piper Heidsieck? - No. 373 00:17:51,327 --> 00:17:53,363 - That's one, isn't it? - You mean the bottle names. 374 00:17:53,407 --> 00:17:54,635 Jeroboams and things. 375 00:17:54,687 --> 00:17:56,678 - Salmanazar. - Oh, a magnum. 376 00:17:56,727 --> 00:17:58,080 - All that, they're all... - Rehoboam. 377 00:17:58,127 --> 00:17:59,355 They were all ancient biblical kings, 378 00:17:59,407 --> 00:18:03,116 except Magnum, who was an '80s detective. 379 00:18:03,167 --> 00:18:05,158 There's absolutely no evidence whatsoever 380 00:18:05,207 --> 00:18:07,437 that Christians were ever thrown to the lions at the Coliseum. 381 00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:10,126 - This is attested by learned research. - (Alan) Why say that? 382 00:18:10,167 --> 00:18:12,761 But the Christians caused an awful lot of trouble for the Romans. 383 00:18:12,807 --> 00:18:15,241 l bet they were tempted to chuck them in and have them eaten by lions. 384 00:18:15,287 --> 00:18:16,720 Well, they did certain things to them. 385 00:18:16,767 --> 00:18:20,442 Nero had them making human torches lining the Appian Way 386 00:18:20,487 --> 00:18:22,045 for dozens and dozens of miles, 387 00:18:22,087 --> 00:18:24,043 so they were pretty nasty to the Christians. 388 00:18:24,087 --> 00:18:26,647 But then the Christians won, they took over the Roman empire. 389 00:18:26,687 --> 00:18:28,359 Anyway, back to cartography, 390 00:18:28,407 --> 00:18:30,284 our favourite subject, and an easy one for you. 391 00:18:30,327 --> 00:18:31,806 ln the Middle Ages, 392 00:18:31,847 --> 00:18:34,964 what shape did people think the world was? 393 00:18:35,007 --> 00:18:36,201 - (Alan) Flat. - (Alarm bells) 394 00:18:36,247 --> 00:18:40,081 Oh, Alan tumbles into our trap. 395 00:18:40,127 --> 00:18:41,446 l know we all think they did, 396 00:18:41,487 --> 00:18:42,681 but there's absolutely no evidence whatsoever. 397 00:18:42,727 --> 00:18:44,524 They all thought it was round, they all wrote about it as round, 398 00:18:44,567 --> 00:18:45,841 the Greeks knew that it was round. 399 00:18:45,887 --> 00:18:48,447 - Round and flat. - No, they thought it was a sphere. 400 00:18:48,487 --> 00:18:52,036 Terry Jones, the Python, who is something of a medievalist, 401 00:18:52,087 --> 00:18:56,239 as you may know, he blames Washington lrving, the American writer, 402 00:18:56,287 --> 00:18:58,881 as one of those people who started this lie, as he puts it. 403 00:18:58,927 --> 00:19:01,805 The Greeks knew it was round, Chaucer knew it was round, 404 00:19:01,847 --> 00:19:05,362 Roger Bacon wrote about the curvature in the earth in the 13th century. 405 00:19:05,407 --> 00:19:06,396 So apparently... 406 00:19:06,447 --> 00:19:10,679 l should think the majority of people didn't really care. 407 00:19:10,727 --> 00:19:12,479 No. But they started... 408 00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:15,678 As indeed we don't now, actually care that it's round. 409 00:19:15,727 --> 00:19:18,241 lf it was square, it wouldn't bother me. 410 00:19:19,287 --> 00:19:21,482 l'd rush to the edge. 411 00:19:21,527 --> 00:19:23,199 ln fact, l'd want to go right to the corner. 412 00:19:23,247 --> 00:19:25,158 (Stephen) You'd sit on the corner, wouldn't you? 413 00:19:25,207 --> 00:19:27,596 - How do we know it's round? - Yeah, huh, huh? 414 00:19:27,647 --> 00:19:30,719 - (Bill) Round the world tickets. - One, it's photographed. 415 00:19:31,767 --> 00:19:34,156 Photographing it was a very big help. 416 00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:36,038 They took a photograph and we saw that it was round. 417 00:19:36,087 --> 00:19:38,123 But then you could say that about anything, 418 00:19:38,167 --> 00:19:40,317 about people going to the moon and we know they didn't. 419 00:19:40,367 --> 00:19:43,359 lf it weren't round, all the flights of aeroplanes... 420 00:19:43,407 --> 00:19:46,524 lf it weren't round, just nothing that we're... 421 00:19:46,567 --> 00:19:49,001 How do we know they just don't fly and just circle round for a bit 422 00:19:49,047 --> 00:19:51,402 and let you think that you're going miles and miles and miles, 423 00:19:51,447 --> 00:19:53,722 and just come down, like, a couple of hours away, 424 00:19:53,767 --> 00:19:56,839 and they've set Russia up a lot nearer than it is. 425 00:19:56,887 --> 00:20:01,119 lt's a really, really, really, really long oblong shape. 426 00:20:01,167 --> 00:20:05,319 On a track, like an electric bike and they just move it. 427 00:20:05,367 --> 00:20:07,278 The plane goes up, the plane doesn't move, 428 00:20:07,327 --> 00:20:10,080 they move the countries and bring the plane down. 429 00:20:11,767 --> 00:20:14,918 Are all the stars round? 430 00:20:14,967 --> 00:20:17,640 l can't answer that. l think probably most of... 431 00:20:17,687 --> 00:20:22,158 But yet you know what people thought 500 years ago. 432 00:20:22,207 --> 00:20:24,163 Can l read books? Yes. 433 00:20:24,207 --> 00:20:27,677 Have l visited every star in the universe? No. 434 00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:31,606 ls that something that you find difficult to understand? 435 00:20:32,967 --> 00:20:37,279 You've set me off, you've set sir off again! l don't know. 436 00:20:37,327 --> 00:20:40,364 Don't you think this series has reached the point, 437 00:20:40,407 --> 00:20:42,318 with a dedicated following who trust us, 438 00:20:42,367 --> 00:20:44,835 that this could be the point where you could say 439 00:20:44,887 --> 00:20:48,357 just one thing in a show, you'd say, just like this, 440 00:20:48,407 --> 00:20:51,604 "The world isn't round, it's been proven." 441 00:20:51,647 --> 00:20:54,115 Most people will now believe it, who watch this show. 442 00:20:54,167 --> 00:20:56,123 Well, l can say with some confidence, ladies and gentlemen, 443 00:20:56,167 --> 00:21:00,365 the world is not round, it is an oblate spheroid. 444 00:21:01,167 --> 00:21:02,759 - (Rich) No, that's not what l meant. - What's that? 445 00:21:02,807 --> 00:21:05,082 (Stephen) No, l'm sorry. l was being literalist. 446 00:21:05,127 --> 00:21:08,244 Pine cone, if you'd said the world is shaped like a pine cone... 447 00:21:08,287 --> 00:21:10,278 Let's just see how many letters we get. 448 00:21:10,327 --> 00:21:14,764 Yeah, it would be interesting to see, wouldn't it? We'd get some, at last, anyway. 449 00:21:15,727 --> 00:21:19,037 Apart from the... Well, you know who you are, don't you? 450 00:21:19,087 --> 00:21:22,204 And l tried it and it was a disaster. 451 00:21:23,047 --> 00:21:24,878 Yes, we know, since the fourth century BC, 452 00:21:24,927 --> 00:21:26,645 almost no one in the history of the world 453 00:21:26,687 --> 00:21:28,598 has believed that the earth is flat. 454 00:21:28,647 --> 00:21:31,115 lt's a common misconception and indeed the song lyric, 455 00:21:31,167 --> 00:21:33,078 "They all laughed at Christopher Columbus 456 00:21:33,127 --> 00:21:34,526 "when he said the world was round." 457 00:21:34,567 --> 00:21:37,365 But he didn't think that the world was round, 458 00:21:37,407 --> 00:21:39,967 he thought it was actually pear-shaped, funnily enough. 459 00:21:40,007 --> 00:21:42,043 Which brings us, ladies and gentlemen, 460 00:21:42,087 --> 00:21:44,965 drifting safely home into the harbour of half-grasped truths 461 00:21:45,007 --> 00:21:46,998 that we call General lgnorance. 462 00:21:47,047 --> 00:21:49,163 So, fingers on your buses, please. 463 00:21:49,207 --> 00:21:52,563 What is a taffy pull? 464 00:21:55,047 --> 00:21:58,084 ls this another dig at my forefathers? 465 00:21:58,127 --> 00:22:02,040 You've got four fathers? The Welsh are weird. 466 00:22:04,127 --> 00:22:06,960 A taffy pull is when you try and pull a woman in Wales, 467 00:22:07,007 --> 00:22:08,679 - it's a Welsh chat-up line. - (Alarm) 468 00:22:08,727 --> 00:22:13,243 - Oh, no! - He fell for it! Word for word. 469 00:22:13,287 --> 00:22:16,757 l suspect that young Rich might know, cos you know what a taffy is. 470 00:22:16,807 --> 00:22:17,922 - Yeah. - Which is? 471 00:22:17,967 --> 00:22:21,004 lt's long strands of chewy candy 472 00:22:21,047 --> 00:22:23,641 and at like county fairs and stuff they pull it. 473 00:22:23,687 --> 00:22:26,121 Absolutely, we don't have it here, but it's toffee really. 474 00:22:26,167 --> 00:22:28,397 Toffee becomes "taffy" in America. 475 00:22:28,447 --> 00:22:29,562 But it is taffy. 476 00:22:29,607 --> 00:22:31,518 lt's different to English toffee because it's chewy 477 00:22:31,567 --> 00:22:33,285 and soft and resistant all the way through. 478 00:22:33,327 --> 00:22:36,080 And one of the reasons for this is that they pull on metal hooks 479 00:22:36,127 --> 00:22:39,085 and they kind of aerate it, they do this business, don't they? 480 00:22:39,127 --> 00:22:40,480 And it was a social event l believe, 481 00:22:40,527 --> 00:22:43,599 it was a way of people meeting each other at a taffy pull. 482 00:22:43,647 --> 00:22:46,115 "Your mom and l met at a taffy pull." 483 00:22:47,207 --> 00:22:49,243 But it was often called salt water taffy, isn't it? 484 00:22:49,287 --> 00:22:50,640 - Yeah. - (Stephen) Do you know why? 485 00:22:50,687 --> 00:22:53,247 That's cos it's made from salt water. 486 00:22:54,247 --> 00:22:57,478 lt isn't, it doesn't have any salt water anywhere near it, unfortunately. 487 00:22:57,527 --> 00:23:00,325 No, apparently in Atlanta in the 18-somethings, 488 00:23:00,367 --> 00:23:03,359 there was a shop that sold taffy and there was a flood, 489 00:23:03,407 --> 00:23:04,965 you know, the tide came in too far 490 00:23:05,007 --> 00:23:07,237 and it covered all his stock and someone came in and said, 491 00:23:07,287 --> 00:23:09,721 "You should sell it as salt water taffy, maybe people will buy it." 492 00:23:09,767 --> 00:23:13,521 And so he did, in fact, it wasn't salt tainted, and the name just seemed to stick. 493 00:23:13,567 --> 00:23:16,035 Some people believe that story, some people don't. 494 00:23:16,087 --> 00:23:17,725 Fingers still on your buses please. 495 00:23:17,767 --> 00:23:21,362 How many sheep were there on Noah's Ark? 496 00:23:24,847 --> 00:23:28,601 - Oh, no. - Surely. 497 00:23:29,407 --> 00:23:31,682 - (Rich) l smell a set-up. - (Stephen) Somebody... 498 00:23:31,727 --> 00:23:34,366 - (Bus bell) - OK, it's a trick, none, 499 00:23:34,407 --> 00:23:37,797 they were floating on a raft behind the Ark. 500 00:23:39,847 --> 00:23:41,439 No, there were sheep on Noah's Ark. 501 00:23:41,487 --> 00:23:44,718 None, because they were walking on the custard 502 00:23:44,767 --> 00:23:47,918 which was being poured over the side. 503 00:23:47,967 --> 00:23:50,845 (Alan) Noah never built an Ark, it didn't actually happen. 504 00:23:50,887 --> 00:23:52,479 Well, according to the Bible, how many? 505 00:23:52,527 --> 00:23:53,676 - Two. - Yes, there was... 506 00:23:53,727 --> 00:23:56,002 - (Alarm bells) - Oh dear, oh dear. 507 00:23:56,047 --> 00:23:57,719 (Alan) Just get it over with, shall we? 508 00:23:57,767 --> 00:23:59,120 No, it's a common mistake, 509 00:23:59,167 --> 00:24:01,237 people haven't read the Bible much these days, 510 00:24:01,287 --> 00:24:03,847 but l can read to you from Genesis chapter 7. 511 00:24:03,887 --> 00:24:06,003 "And the Lord said unto Noah, 512 00:24:06,047 --> 00:24:08,766 "'Come thou and all thy house into the Ark, 513 00:24:08,807 --> 00:24:12,322 "'for thee have l seen righteous before me in this generation..."' 514 00:24:12,367 --> 00:24:13,641 Why did he talk like that? 515 00:24:13,687 --> 00:24:16,918 Well, he spoke Hebrew, didn't he, dear? 516 00:24:16,967 --> 00:24:19,925 This is a translation into English, you see. 517 00:24:19,967 --> 00:24:22,640 But they spoke like that when they really could speak English, Alan. 518 00:24:22,687 --> 00:24:27,363 l think in 500 years' time, when they hear the things we've said, 519 00:24:27,407 --> 00:24:28,999 and perhaps even things you've said, they might... 520 00:24:29,047 --> 00:24:32,198 Don't pick on me! You're quoting from a mythical being. 521 00:24:32,247 --> 00:24:35,284 No, l'm just reading, but... 522 00:24:35,327 --> 00:24:38,239 There were two of everyone, they went in two by two... 523 00:24:38,287 --> 00:24:40,926 - (Stephen) How would you know... - Even my nephew knows that. 524 00:24:40,967 --> 00:24:42,002 How does he know? 525 00:24:42,047 --> 00:24:46,563 The only source of information we have for Noah's Ark is the Bible. 526 00:24:46,607 --> 00:24:48,325 - Rubbish. - And this is what it says. 527 00:24:48,367 --> 00:24:50,278 - Listen, just listen. - l... 528 00:24:50,327 --> 00:24:52,761 Will you listen first and then comment? Will you agree to do that? 529 00:24:52,807 --> 00:24:54,240 l read it in Jane's Fighting Ships. 530 00:24:54,287 --> 00:24:59,202 "'Of every... of every clean beast 531 00:24:59,247 --> 00:25:02,762 "'thou shall take to thee by sevens, the male and his female, 532 00:25:02,807 --> 00:25:06,720 "'and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female. 533 00:25:06,767 --> 00:25:09,918 "'Of fowls of the air by sevens, the male and the female, 534 00:25:09,967 --> 00:25:12,925 "'to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth."' 535 00:25:12,967 --> 00:25:15,845 - (Alan) Yes. - And sheep are accounted clean beasts. 536 00:25:15,887 --> 00:25:17,525 - Oh. - So there would have been seven. 537 00:25:17,567 --> 00:25:19,523 He's obviously never lived with one. 538 00:25:19,567 --> 00:25:21,797 No, it's all according to sort of Kosher law, 539 00:25:21,847 --> 00:25:23,678 so pigs there would not have been, 540 00:25:23,727 --> 00:25:25,399 camels would have been in twos, 541 00:25:25,447 --> 00:25:27,642 but the clean beasts came in sevens. 542 00:25:27,687 --> 00:25:29,325 Maybe they could breed more and so on. 543 00:25:29,367 --> 00:25:31,198 Anyway, l agree with you, it's a surprise, 544 00:25:31,247 --> 00:25:33,203 everybody thinks in the Bible that it says... 545 00:25:33,247 --> 00:25:36,205 # The animals went in two by two, hurrah, hurrah 546 00:25:36,247 --> 00:25:38,841 # Except for the camels because they were filthy, hurrah, hurrah 547 00:25:38,887 --> 00:25:40,843 # And then the sheep and not the thing 548 00:25:40,887 --> 00:25:43,082 # And then came the amoeba, one, no, two, no, four, 549 00:25:43,127 --> 00:25:44,958 # no, eight, no, 16... # 550 00:25:45,007 --> 00:25:46,679 (Applause) 551 00:25:47,207 --> 00:25:49,437 (Stephen) Fantastic. 552 00:25:50,767 --> 00:25:52,837 lndeed. 553 00:25:52,887 --> 00:25:54,878 A lot of the ferries and ships nowadays, 554 00:25:54,927 --> 00:25:58,397 of course, you're not allowed to take animals on them, which is the ultimate irony. 555 00:25:58,447 --> 00:25:59,800 That's a good point. 556 00:25:59,847 --> 00:26:03,442 You wonder what Noah would make of that. 557 00:26:03,487 --> 00:26:04,476 Exactly. 558 00:26:04,527 --> 00:26:06,165 Why would they they say seven animals? 559 00:26:06,207 --> 00:26:09,119 Because that means three pair and one animal... 560 00:26:09,167 --> 00:26:11,158 One to watch. 561 00:26:13,167 --> 00:26:14,520 Enough, enough. 562 00:26:14,567 --> 00:26:17,320 Now we come full circle, back to the beginning, 563 00:26:17,367 --> 00:26:19,517 what was the name of the archbishop 564 00:26:19,567 --> 00:26:21,956 murdered by Henry ll? 565 00:26:22,007 --> 00:26:25,886 Thomas... No, not him. 566 00:26:26,647 --> 00:26:28,717 - Yeah, that's... - Have a go. 567 00:26:28,767 --> 00:26:29,995 l'm not going to fall into that trap. 568 00:26:30,047 --> 00:26:32,686 lt wasn't Henry ll who killed Thomas à Becket. 569 00:26:32,727 --> 00:26:34,638 - Thomas? - A Becket. 570 00:26:34,687 --> 00:26:36,086 - (Alarm bells) - Oh dear. 571 00:26:36,127 --> 00:26:39,517 No, his name was not Thomas à anything. 572 00:26:39,567 --> 00:26:41,478 The à is a complete error. 573 00:26:41,527 --> 00:26:44,644 John Strype, in The Memorials Of Thomas Cranmer, writes, 574 00:26:44,687 --> 00:26:47,724 "lt is a small error, but being so oft repeated, 575 00:26:47,767 --> 00:26:49,485 "deserveth to be observed and corrected. 576 00:26:49,527 --> 00:26:51,722 "The name of that archbishop was Thomas Becket, 577 00:26:51,767 --> 00:26:55,840 "not can it otherwise be found to have been written in any authentic history, 578 00:26:55,887 --> 00:26:57,923 record, calendar or other book. 579 00:26:57,967 --> 00:27:00,845 "lf the vulgar did formerly, as it doth now, 580 00:27:00,887 --> 00:27:04,118 "call him Thomas à Becket..." Vulgar. 581 00:27:04,167 --> 00:27:08,160 "...their mistake is not to be followed by learned men." 582 00:27:09,287 --> 00:27:14,680 Was it just a pause? Was it Thomas... er... Becket? 583 00:27:14,727 --> 00:27:19,005 ls the same true of Simon Le Bon? 584 00:27:19,727 --> 00:27:22,241 ls he just Simon Bon? l don't think he'd have the respect he has. 585 00:27:22,287 --> 00:27:24,562 - Linsey de Paul. - (Rob) Yeah. 586 00:27:24,607 --> 00:27:27,758 (Bill) Whisky A Go Go. (Stephen) Yes. 587 00:27:27,807 --> 00:27:30,640 Legs akimbo. 588 00:27:33,207 --> 00:27:36,404 lt's time now for the sorry-arse business of the scores. 589 00:27:36,447 --> 00:27:39,598 And a clear leader, winner and victor tonight 590 00:27:39,647 --> 00:27:42,115 in Rich Hall, with eight points, ladies and gentlemen. 591 00:27:42,167 --> 00:27:43,395 (Applause) 592 00:27:43,447 --> 00:27:46,120 ln second place, with minus five points, 593 00:27:46,167 --> 00:27:49,796 - Bill Bailey. - (Applause) 594 00:27:49,847 --> 00:27:53,317 ln third place with minus 16 is Rob Brydon. 595 00:27:53,367 --> 00:27:56,086 (Applause) 596 00:27:56,127 --> 00:28:00,643 But our runaway loser with minus 25, Alan Davies. 597 00:28:00,687 --> 00:28:02,598 (Applause) 598 00:28:09,007 --> 00:28:11,077 Well that's it from Ql for another week. 599 00:28:11,127 --> 00:28:14,403 My thanks to Rich, Rob, Bill and Alan. l leave you with this cautionary thought. 600 00:28:14,447 --> 00:28:18,122 Captain Cook may have observed the transit of Venus in 1769, 601 00:28:18,167 --> 00:28:20,556 but he never lived to see the Venus de Milo, 602 00:28:20,607 --> 00:28:22,359 which wasn't discovered until 1820. 603 00:28:22,407 --> 00:28:25,240 Will Rogers saw it, though, and observed to his niece, 604 00:28:25,287 --> 00:28:28,916 "See what'll happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails." 605 00:28:28,967 --> 00:28:31,162 (Applause) 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net