(Applause)
Well, good evening, good evening, good evening
and welcome to Ql for a very special operatic edition,
featuring the vocal talents of -
- Arthur Smith. - (Applause)
- Andy Hamilton. - (Applause)
- Doon Mackichan. - (Applause)
- And Alan Davies. - (Applause)
Better known as three tenors
and a fiver.
Now in front of each of you is an ordinary wine glass.
At the end of the programme
there's a 50 point bonus for anyone who can break it
using the power of the voice alone.
ln the meantime, let's hear your buzzer noises.
- Doon goes... - (Soprano reaches high note)
- And Arthur goes... - (Tenor reaches high note)
- Andy goes... - (Bass singer)
- And Alan goes... - (Howl)
Now, gentlemen, which one of you
would like to smother Doon Mackichan in goose fat?
What, again?
Ooh, l know...
- You've swam miles in the sea. - (Arthur) You swam the Channel.
l swam from Shakespeare Beach in Dover to Cap Gris Nez in France.
This woman has swum the Channel, ladies and gentlemen,
- that's a bit good, isn't it? - (Applause)
Great. Thank you.
And were you smothered in goose fat?
Yeah, it wasn't actually goose fat, it was just normal...
- Vaseline in a tub. - Jam?
- No, it wasn't jam. - Peanut butter?
No, that's in your head.
Yes. And we'd like it to stay there.
(Laughter)
- ln 1998, is that right? - That is right.
Captain Webb was the first man
to swim across the Channel in 18 something...
1875, August the 24th.
Well, l've always known that because that's my birthday.
He had goose fat but the Channel, in those days,
wasn't full of condoms and regurgitated beer and turds.
Which is what l was swimming through.
lt was all phosphorescents and dolphins and...
He took 21 hours, how long did you take?
Well, we swam with some paratroopers,
so l wasn't... it wasn't a solo...
This was a sexual adventure, it wasn't a...
(Laughter)
Do you know what happened to Captain Webb?
Yes, l do, he drowned
attempting to swim across the bottom of Niagara Falls.
Congratulations, l'll give you points for that. Absolutely right.
(Applause)
And he was addicted to fame, he became addicted to...
having to do more and more daring swimming feats.
- There's a statue of him, isn't there? - Presumably on the South Coast...
- (Alan) Under the water. - Under the water!
- lt's at ldiot's Bend at Niagara. - (Laughter)
Have you read the book about the history of swimming,
called 'T he Haunt of the Black Masseurs'? lt's very interesting.
Cos kind of no one swam, really, before the romantics.
No, and Byron famously swam the Hellespont.
And said it was the best thing he ever did.
Yes, with a man called Lieutenant Ekenhead.
- Oh all right, you win! - No, no... that's not how this works.
- We share. - (Arthur) Yes, l'm sorry.
But why is it every fact l give, you've a slightly more impressive one?
(Stephen) No. (Laughter)
- So, Alan, let's turn to you anyway, um... - (Laughter)
Alan, who or what is coming tonight?
(Chuckles, laughter)
l don't know.
The night is young, Stephen.
Let me just say that cummingtonite is one word.
- Ah, cummingtonite... - Oh, maybe it's a website.
- No. - (Laughter)
Oh dear, l'm sure if we looked it up, it would be.
(Andy) ls it a small village?
ls it cummingtonite, as in like kryptonite,
- like some sort of a metallic thing? - Yes!
lt's a mineral, well done,
l'll give you a couple of points for that. cummingtonite, it is cummingtonite.
(Applause)
There's a small town in Massachusetts called Cummington
and they discovered a rock there, which is known as cummingtonite.
Other comedy compounds have been named
after the diagrams of their molecular structure,
so what do you suppose this one is called?
Oh, well, you don't have to...
(Laughter)
lt's the only question l will get right.
lt's penguinone.
- Well done, brilliant! - (Applause)
That's why penguinone pasta is that shape as well, isn't it?
And that's why our art and special effects department are...
- Fired. - Reaching for their cards.
They're gonna try another one and this time see if they can hide the answer.
So what about this one?
(Alan) Ooh. (Doon) Hash.
(Stephen) lt looks like the front of an ant.
Now you're thinking head on, l'm with you.
- (Stephen) Yeah. - lt's quite frightening actually.
Let's see if our art department can
put up the answer for you.
There you are!
- (Laughter, applause) - lt's...
lt is a cyclical compound of arsenic
and it's called arsole.
There's a thing called moronic acid, do you know about that?
To whom will you give moronic acid?
ls it the scientific name for Newcy Brown? ls that what it is?
(Laughter) (Stephen) Very good.
lt's from the herb Rhus javanica and it's given to people with herpes.
Now, Doon, a cuisine question for you.
Have you ever had a deep fried Mars bar?
l have had a deep fried Curly Wurly. - Have you really?
- Yes. - Did you batter it?
lt was battered.
ln my local chip shop in Fife,
you could have the chocolate bar of your choice.
- Wow. - You could hold it in the paper.
And it's, yeah...
Did the batter cover it completely, or were there still the little holes?
No sadly not.
Sadly not a lattice work of beauty, no.
- Just a lump of greasy fat... - (Laughter)
...heart-attack...
- Could you stop doing that? - l suddenly realised what...
(Applause)
But you can get deep fried salad.
Oh, no!
lt's crispy seaweed - otherwise known as.
Good point, that is deep fried.
But, yes... No, in Scotland you seem to be able to get anything deep fried.
There is evidence they've taken on board the government's advice
about the Mediterranean diet,
you can get deep fried pizza as well.
Yep.
Extraordinary. Have you had it? You've been in Edinburgh many times.
l have and do you know what, l've heard tell of this strange beast,
and many comedians would do jokes about deep fried Mars bars,
but l never had the courage to have them. They're odd to me, Scottish chip shops.
Carry oot.
Well, you know, they say; can l have a fish supper.
And like, supper means
- "and chips". - (Laughter)
That's right!
l thought l'd go in and, you know, ask for a supper supper,
you know, and see if l had two lots of chips.
But you could also buy individual cigarettes there,
so to add insult to injury,
you could, to add to your heart attack,
then buy a single No 6 and quickly have it.
- (Arthur) Deep fried. - Deep fried No 6.
Deep fried Benson & Hedges are really good.
Everything in there was deep fried.
You came out, you were deep fried yourself.
- And that is Scottish cuisine. - (Doon) Yes.
But isn't a deep... ls that not a myth, a deep fried Mars...
lt isn't a myth, and that's why we're asking, because some people think it is.
lt absolutely isn't a myth at all.
lt really, really does exist. There's one.
(Audience groan)
Can we talk about herpes again, please?
(Laughter)
ls this what you were swimming into when you crossed the Channel?
- Pretty horrific. - (Alan) A deep fried turd.
There was a Mark Pettricrew of the MRC Social and Public Health Sciences Unit
who'd surveyed 300 shops.
22% of them sold deep fried Mars bars.
But he also came across deep fried Creme Eggs...
ice cream, bananas and Rolos.
- And to that we add... - Curly Wurlys.
What do they look like again?
- l'm not... - (Laughter)
Nearly got you.
ln Glasgow, perhaps the least healthy food ever sold,
is the deep fried pork sausage kebab.
(Laughter)
You take a pork sausage, you wrap it in doner kebab meat,
coat it in batter and deep fry it.
(Doon) Oh, stop, l can't breathe.
lt's 1,000 of your best calories
and 46 grams of fat.
But if you called it, you know,
"saucisson en croute avec un coulis superb,"
- you could charge 25 quid for it. - You could!
But instead, in Glasgow they call it a "stonner".
Do you know what Stonner is?
- "Stonner." - lt means an erection.
- Oh does it? - "lt means a stiffy, aye."
- That's a Scottish accent. - Which part of Scotland was that?
Well, do you know, the part l love,
there's a marvellous story about Maggie Smith
when she was going to play Miss Jean Brodie,
and she was going, "Oh God, l can't do a bloody Scottish accent.
A friend of hers said, l've got an aunt in Morningside,
which is just the right area for Jean Brodie, that very refined Scottish accent.
Call her up and, you know, offer to take her out to tea.
Maggie Smith called up and said, "Hello, my name's Maggie Smith,
"l don't know if you know the novel, The Prime Of Miss Jean Brodie.
"l'm playing that character and apparently you have a charming Morningside accent.
"l'd like to take you to tea and maybe record..."
And there was a very frigid pause.
"My dear, l have been told l have no accent whatever."
And she put the phone down. Completely insulted.
And there are Scots... l remember talking to one Scot
who spoke a form of Scottish
where he was convinced
that everyone thought he sounded English.
"There is absolutely nothing l am saying
"which ought to lead you to believe that l am Scottish.
"Absolutely every vowel is pure English."
And yet it sounded more Scottish
than the worst Glaswegian drunk in a Soho doorway.
(Laughter)
- (Arthur) And you were doing so well. - Yes.
(Hoarse Scottish accent) l know you, you know that voice, it goes...
Really, l've got to say, Stephen,
it's been a bewildering array of Scottish accents.
Anyway, we move from Scotland
to something quite unconnected, and that's the world of crime. Now...
(Laughter)
l'm... Please, let me... Oh, no...
Anyway, now, although it has been illegal
for many, many years, some tribal authorities in Nigeria
still cling to "ordeal by bean".
And l want to know what that is.
Well, l've certainly had that.
You know when you're stuck on an aeroplane
and you're forced to watch seven episodes of Mr Bean.
(Alarm)
l'm going to fall back on my usual theory,
which is it's gonna be inserted about your person somewhere.
lt's a nice thought, isn't it,
to have a bean popped in, but it's not that.
ls it to find out if ladies are witches,
do they force feed them beans and then if they fart,
they are witches and then they die anyway and that's...
You're absolutely along the right lines,
it's that kind of an ordeal.
lt's a bean that is so poisonous
that one of its seeds is a lethal dose.
And it's a Nigerian tribal custom
which is outlawed but still apparently carries on.
lf you deep fried it, would it be all right then?
Can you deep fry it into submission?
The key is to eat it very quickly.
Do you have deep fried baked beans? Do they do that?
- Would you do them individually? - ls that a gap in the market...
Or probably put them in a polystyrene cup and then put batter round that.
No, just in the tin.
- Just in the tin, they do the whole tin. - (Laughter)
l heard that 95% of the baked beans in the world are eaten in Britain.
No one else eats baked beans,
apart from the Finns or something,
- 20 Finns like a can. - (Laughter)
Why can't other bean manufacturers
make their beans taste like Heinz beans?
All the other ones, you get, if they haven't got Heinz in,
they don't taste... What's going on there?
Can't they just get the sauce and do a bit of analysis,
make the same thing?
Are you just after a big shipment of Heinz baked beans, is that what...
(Andy) Because that's pretty brazen... As advertisements go.
There are no beans like Heinz, says Alan Davies.
(Laughter)
(Applause)
There's no champagne like Krug, that's what l always say.
- (Laughter, applause) - l don't know about you.
There's a Calabar bean, or a series of them.
(Alan) Eat one of them and you'll die?
Yes. lf you're innocent, apparently the idea is you eat them very quickly,
really gulp them down, it hits a bit which makes you vomit them up very fast.
Whereas if you eat them slowly, they get into your bloodsteam.
So, in theory, innocent people eat more quickly than guilty people.
The Calabar bean has helped us with anti-tetanus and with...
it's an antidote to strychnine.
lf someone's dying of strychnine poison...
You give them a lethal bean.
And then they won't die of strychnine.
Exactly. Die of the Calabar.
lt might be a witch, so it's good that they die.
That's true.
(Arthur) l knew a witch, she was very nice.
Maybe never put a spell on you though, eh?
Or maybe she gave me a terrible time, put a spell on me to say what l'm saying.
- (Arthur) The truth. - "She was very nice".
She's like that... (Cackles)
- (Laughter) - l'm not nice at all!
Now, fourthly, as it were, Arthur,
why did Big Beard Wang regularly shave his pussy?
(Laughter)
Well, l'm afraid l'm disappointed that we've
got a cheap laugh from the "word" pussy.
l was laughing at Wang, actually.
(Laughter)
- l think it's a person... - You're right.
Big Beard Wang, who...
one could assume he had a large beard...
(Alan) And he shaved his cat.
Mm, well he was a barber, he was a barber to a very famous man.
- Was he a Chinese barber? - He was a Chinese barber?
- An emperor was there? - Kind of, l suppose,
though he would not call himself one.
- (Arthur) Chairman Mao. - Chairman Mao, indeed.
- And Mao is the Chinese for? - (Alan) Cat.
- Cat. Exactly. - (Doon) Meow.
Meow you would think, but no, it really is, Mao is cat.
ls that cat on the end of Chairman Mao's...
(Laughter)
(Arthur) That's why he's smiling.
l don't remember that as one of those communist posters.
(Laughter)
lt means cat, Mao, and it also means hat, oddly enough.
So, "mao dza li di mao", means the cat in the hat.
The next question is purely a matter of choice for you now.
How old would you like to be? Arthur?
l should like to be six.
- Or sixty-two l think. - Sixty two.
No, l'd like to be six because it's marvellous to be six,
because you're not aware of your own mortality.
You think you're the centre of the universe,
days last a hundred years.
lt's always summer.
You can put your head in some custard and no one cares.
(Laughter)
- You're arguing a very persuasive case... - (Alan) You do get a lot of custard at six.
- You do. - l haven't had nearly as much custard
- since l was a child. - (Arthur) No.
l think l probably had most... About 90% of my life's custard
- l think l had in the first 10 years. - (Laughter)
Alan Davies - the custard years.
- (Laughter) - They were.
And the fish finger years as well.
And the baked bean years!
(Laughter)
- No, l'd like to be 26 - 26?
Yeah, but that's just because of Denise Bachelor.
- (Laughter) - Who's Denise Bachelor?
Somebody l knew when l was twenty six,
- she was marvellous. - (Laughter)
- Do Batchelor make beans? - Yeah, but they're not as good as Heinz.
- Why aren't they? - (Laughter)
Why doesn't someone else go into making beans?
lt's always about Heinz... Why don't...
- Gordon Ramsay, he could do beans. - (Stephen) Ramsay beans.
Yeah, (BEEP)... ing beans, he'd say.
(Laughter)
it's a brilliant idea for a whole new range of Gordon (BEEP)... ing foods, isn't it?
The instructions'll say put 'em in the (BEEP)... ing saucepan,
you (BEEP)... ing idiot!
(Laughter)
- Show a bit of (BEEP)... ing passion! - (Laughter)
l'm going to have to drag you back to our question, because l like six.
Andy, what age would you like to be?
- l'd like to be 90. - 90?
Yeah, l'd like people to think l was 90
cos then you can get away with murder.
(Laughter)
Coming with 90, it is essential to say so all the time.
- Yeah, "l'm 90." - "l'm 90 you know."
(Andy) Yeah.
My gran used to add a year. She'd say, "l'm 75 next year".
You're 74 then, aren't you?
(Laughter)
35 was a good year.
l went out with this marvellous woman
called Denise Bachelor.
(Laughter, applause)
Doon, what about you, what age would you like to be?
l'd quite like to be a sort of a minute old.
After the smack. And all of... Everything's washed off.
Absolutely newborn baby?
You're straight on the tit.
You've got entertainment,
you've got sleep and you can cry all the time
without anyone thinking you're weird.
You lie on a sheepskin and everyone just goes,
"You are just beautiful..."
And they do that... thing onto you,
Yeah, on your tummy.
Well, you can do that to people again when you're ninety.
- (Laughter) - That's true.
- (Stephen) Spend your time on the tit. - Exactly.
Do you know what, according to market researchers, Datamonitor -
who interviewed lots of people, children and adults -
- what the perfect age turned out to be? - 25.
- 24, l was gonna say. - (Andy) Uhh, 31.
- Uh, six. - (Laughter)
Surprisingly, the answer is 17. l hated 17.
(Andy and Arthur) That was terrible!
- (Laughter) - 17 is a terrible age.
Yeah, it was for me. l had like awful hair, spots, glasses.
Yeah, you were terrible, l remember you.
- l was in prison. - That kind of faint aroma of...
(Applause) (Stephen) As it happens. But, um...
- (Alan) And rightly so. - And rightly so, absolutely.
lt's interesting to work out.
From a man's point of view, the perfect age for a woman
is said to be half his own age plus seven.
Right, so if you're 40, a 27 year-old.
- So, if you're 20... - Denise Bachelor was 33.
(Laughter)
Take it from me, that is the perfect age.
Yeah.
Well if you're 20, that means that the girl would be 17, yes?
Half your age plus seven.
lf you're thirteen, it would be thirteen, rather pleasingly,
half your age as it were, be thirteen and a half.
- (Tenor buzzer) - Yes, Arthur?
- Well l just hadn't heard it and... - (Laughter)
What do they all sound like together?
- One, two, three. - (All play at once)
Mmm, maybe not.
(Laughter)
Let us move on to a round of General lgnorance.
Fingers on the buzzers.
Show me roughly, how big is a platypus?
- (Howl) - About that long.
(Stephen) No. (Alarm)
(Laughter, applause)
"About this big" is wrong?
We're being very technical,
there's one thing that's technically called a platypus
and that is actually a beetle.
That's the real platypus.
lt was a sort of nickname given to the duck-billed platypus that we still use.
What do you know about the duck-billed kind?
Only found in Australia, lives in water, got a flat bill on the front.
- l've seen 'em in a zoo. - There you are.
They swim about, they're quite frisky, they're very cute.
When the first stuffed one appeared in Europe,
people thought it was a hoax by a taxidermist.
They refused to believe it was real. They thought it was a beaver's tail and...
Do you know they used to have a thing in Horniman's Museum,
They used to have a seal and it had underneath
"(badly stuffed)".
- (Laughter) - Sweet.
But they lay eggs, of course.
- A mammal but they lay eggs. - Are they poisonous?
l'll give you five points for that because it's the only mammal on earth
that has venom, a poison spur, you're quite right.
But which other mammal lays eggs, there's only one...
- Crocodile? - No, a mammal.
- OK. - (Laughter)
A very, very strange dog.
(Laughter)
No, it's a spiny anteater, an echidna.
Oh.
ls a chicken not a mammal then?
No, it's a bird.
(Laughter)
- Do you know what? - Mammals as in mammaries.
Mammals are animals that suckle their young.
The point about it is it gives off milk.
But unlike most mammals, it doesn't have nipples, a platypus.
lt sweats milk.
Ooh.
l mean in a sense, nipples are like over-grown sebaceous... little sweat glands.
That's what happens, a little milk was... and then it became...
- Can you stop doing that? - Sorry.
(Laughter)
But anyway, yeah, they're extraordinary creatures.
Have you ever seen one in the wild?
- Never have, l'd love to. - Have you ever been on a safari?
Yeah, l've been to see gorilla and...
To wake up in the jungle is one of the most joyous experiences you can have.
l don't know what it is about it. The night is horrific, the noise unspeakable.
The things that are said, you're just falling asleep
and someone goes, (High-pitched) "Have a nut!"
- (Laughter) - And it's an animal of some kind.
And then another one says,
"My grandmother's dead!" Like this...
(Makes animal noises)
Like this and then... Raagh!
And it's all happening this close to you and you're just going like this.
(Arthur) That was a great party! (Laughter)
(Alan) Yeah, you fell asleep on the sofa...
You turn a light on and of course it just...
things fly at you like this, hideous, leathery things fly at you.
And it's just unspeakably noisy and horrific.
And you're quivering and sweating.
But when you wake up in it, it's amazing, everything...
suddenly all the noises are little liquid warbles of...
- (Doon makes jungle calls) - Exactly, exactly.
(Tenor buzzer)
(Laughter)
Anyway, good, well done on platypuses.
How many people, next question, fingers on buzzers -
how many people can take part in a dialogue?
(Howl)
(Stephen) Go on.
- Two. - (Alarm)
ls that a duologue?
That's a duologue, absolutely.
l mean, of course two people could be in dialogue,
but it could be one person, could be a hundred.
"Dia-" is Greek for across or through, not two.
What are the contents of the Queen's handbag?
(Bass buzzer)
l don't think l've ever seen the Queen get anything out of her handbag.
And she's certainly never done that thing that women do,
you know, where they go, "lt's in here somewhere, l know it is"
and they empty it out.
So, my suspicion is that
she probably has nothing in her handbag.
l think it's probably a kind of social defence
and it means she doesn't have to hold Prince Philip's hand, look.
(Soprano buzzer)
- The Little Book Of Calm... - (Laughter)
and Mace spray.
(Laughter)
There's a lot of people around her who get too close.
There's men in big hats, it's like, "Back off, back off!"
Apparently the Queen does carry money,
a lot of people think she doesn't but for Sundays she always has money,
an unspecified denomination folded in her handbag there.
And, also she has a comb, apparently,
a handkerchief, a small gold compact and a tube of lipstick.
Maybe she gets upset if she carries a fiver.
"God... l used to be so pretty."
(Laughter)
She's got a deep fried Curly Wurly in there, she's gotta have some pleasure.
She sits in the loo and eats it.
Oh yes, like that, yes.
And quietly eats away at it.
She crams it all in when no one's looking.
"l'm all right."
Now, at the final bell,
we wish you to make a glass break.
l think first, in case you manage to do it,
we're going to have to put on safety equipment.
(Laughter)
(Stephen) Oh, there... (Laughs)
That's very good Alan.
(Andy) Oh they suit you, Doon.
They make you look sort of more academic.
Oh, thank you.
- l think you look more like a welder. - (Laughter)
(Alan sings note, Arthur sings lower note)
- Oh! Oh! - (Applause)
(Doon) No, no, no, no...
Yes, Alan l'm afraid, did cheat, because it's almost impossible to do.
This is actually sugar glass.
Like that, doesn't hurt at all. No!
- (Doon) That's a real one! - Yours is real!
- What did you do?! - (Applause)
Lucky to be alive.
l'll be hearing from your solicitor.
lf it has caused even a second's misery to the health and safety people,
l'm very pleased.
(Laughter)
- So, there we are. - (Applause)
The scores, ladies and gentlemen.
ln last place, but just, with minus six,
is Arthur Smith, ladies and gentlemen.
(Applause)
ln third place with minus four, Alan Davies.
(Applause)
ln second place with minus two, Doon Mackichan...
- (Applause) - And...
in first place, with five whole points, is Andy Hamilton,
- ladies and gentlemen. - (Applause)
Well, that is about it from Andy, Arthur, Doon, Alan and me.
l leave you with the wise words of the great Woody Allen.
Of all the wonders of nature,
"a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable,
with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable You in spats.
(Applause)
- l want to try it with a real glass. - (Various) Go on, then.
Really, really go for it, loud as you can, 100 decibels plus.
(Note becoming high scream)
(Alan) lt cracked my goggles, it cracked my goggles!
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