1 00:00:23,047 --> 00:00:28,041 (Applause) 2 00:00:33,807 --> 00:00:36,685 Well, good evening, good evening, good evening 3 00:00:36,727 --> 00:00:40,356 and welcome to Ql for a very special operatic edition, 4 00:00:40,407 --> 00:00:42,523 featuring the vocal talents of - 5 00:00:42,567 --> 00:00:45,639 - Arthur Smith. - (Applause) 6 00:00:45,687 --> 00:00:48,804 - Andy Hamilton. - (Applause) 7 00:00:48,847 --> 00:00:51,361 - Doon Mackichan. - (Applause) 8 00:00:51,407 --> 00:00:55,116 - And Alan Davies. - (Applause) 9 00:00:56,647 --> 00:00:58,797 Better known as three tenors 10 00:00:58,847 --> 00:01:01,042 and a fiver. 11 00:01:01,087 --> 00:01:05,046 Now in front of each of you is an ordinary wine glass. 12 00:01:05,087 --> 00:01:07,282 At the end of the programme 13 00:01:07,327 --> 00:01:10,478 there's a 50 point bonus for anyone who can break it 14 00:01:10,527 --> 00:01:13,963 using the power of the voice alone. 15 00:01:14,927 --> 00:01:17,202 ln the meantime, let's hear your buzzer noises. 16 00:01:17,247 --> 00:01:23,163 - Doon goes... - (Soprano reaches high note) 17 00:01:23,207 --> 00:01:29,806 - And Arthur goes... - (Tenor reaches high note) 18 00:01:29,847 --> 00:01:36,082 - Andy goes... - (Bass singer) 19 00:01:36,127 --> 00:01:42,646 - And Alan goes... - (Howl) 20 00:01:45,967 --> 00:01:48,117 Now, gentlemen, which one of you 21 00:01:48,167 --> 00:01:52,285 would like to smother Doon Mackichan in goose fat? 22 00:01:53,527 --> 00:01:54,755 What, again? 23 00:01:57,487 --> 00:01:58,556 Ooh, l know... 24 00:01:58,607 --> 00:02:02,805 - You've swam miles in the sea. - (Arthur) You swam the Channel. 25 00:02:02,847 --> 00:02:07,159 l swam from Shakespeare Beach in Dover to Cap Gris Nez in France. 26 00:02:07,207 --> 00:02:09,926 This woman has swum the Channel, ladies and gentlemen, 27 00:02:09,967 --> 00:02:13,801 - that's a bit good, isn't it? - (Applause) 28 00:02:14,887 --> 00:02:17,447 Great. Thank you. 29 00:02:17,487 --> 00:02:20,479 And were you smothered in goose fat? 30 00:02:20,527 --> 00:02:23,485 Yeah, it wasn't actually goose fat, it was just normal... 31 00:02:23,527 --> 00:02:25,119 - Vaseline in a tub. - Jam? 32 00:02:25,167 --> 00:02:27,203 - No, it wasn't jam. - Peanut butter? 33 00:02:27,247 --> 00:02:28,475 No, that's in your head. 34 00:02:28,527 --> 00:02:31,360 Yes. And we'd like it to stay there. 35 00:02:31,407 --> 00:02:32,442 (Laughter) 36 00:02:33,367 --> 00:02:35,198 - ln 1998, is that right? - That is right. 37 00:02:35,247 --> 00:02:36,999 Captain Webb was the first man 38 00:02:37,047 --> 00:02:39,766 to swim across the Channel in 18 something... 39 00:02:39,807 --> 00:02:41,957 1875, August the 24th. 40 00:02:42,007 --> 00:02:44,646 Well, l've always known that because that's my birthday. 41 00:02:44,687 --> 00:02:46,996 He had goose fat but the Channel, in those days, 42 00:02:47,047 --> 00:02:51,006 wasn't full of condoms and regurgitated beer and turds. 43 00:02:51,047 --> 00:02:52,799 Which is what l was swimming through. 44 00:02:52,847 --> 00:02:55,202 lt was all phosphorescents and dolphins and... 45 00:02:55,247 --> 00:02:57,124 He took 21 hours, how long did you take? 46 00:02:57,167 --> 00:02:58,919 Well, we swam with some paratroopers, 47 00:02:58,967 --> 00:03:00,605 so l wasn't... it wasn't a solo... 48 00:03:00,647 --> 00:03:02,717 This was a sexual adventure, it wasn't a... 49 00:03:02,767 --> 00:03:04,200 (Laughter) 50 00:03:04,247 --> 00:03:06,442 Do you know what happened to Captain Webb? 51 00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:07,602 Yes, l do, he drowned 52 00:03:07,647 --> 00:03:10,286 attempting to swim across the bottom of Niagara Falls. 53 00:03:10,327 --> 00:03:13,444 Congratulations, l'll give you points for that. Absolutely right. 54 00:03:13,487 --> 00:03:17,082 (Applause) 55 00:03:18,127 --> 00:03:21,358 And he was addicted to fame, he became addicted to... 56 00:03:21,407 --> 00:03:23,921 having to do more and more daring swimming feats. 57 00:03:23,967 --> 00:03:27,277 - There's a statue of him, isn't there? - Presumably on the South Coast... 58 00:03:27,327 --> 00:03:30,239 - (Alan) Under the water. - Under the water! 59 00:03:30,287 --> 00:03:34,246 - lt's at ldiot's Bend at Niagara. - (Laughter) 60 00:03:34,287 --> 00:03:36,676 Have you read the book about the history of swimming, 61 00:03:36,727 --> 00:03:40,037 called 'T he Haunt of the Black Masseurs'? lt's very interesting. 62 00:03:40,087 --> 00:03:44,046 Cos kind of no one swam, really, before the romantics. 63 00:03:44,087 --> 00:03:46,203 No, and Byron famously swam the Hellespont. 64 00:03:46,247 --> 00:03:48,841 And said it was the best thing he ever did. 65 00:03:48,887 --> 00:03:51,196 Yes, with a man called Lieutenant Ekenhead. 66 00:03:51,247 --> 00:03:55,286 - Oh all right, you win! - No, no... that's not how this works. 67 00:03:55,327 --> 00:03:57,966 - We share. - (Arthur) Yes, l'm sorry. 68 00:03:58,007 --> 00:04:01,158 But why is it every fact l give, you've a slightly more impressive one? 69 00:04:01,207 --> 00:04:03,596 (Stephen) No. (Laughter) 70 00:04:03,647 --> 00:04:07,435 - So, Alan, let's turn to you anyway, um... - (Laughter) 71 00:04:07,487 --> 00:04:11,560 Alan, who or what is coming tonight? 72 00:04:11,607 --> 00:04:14,201 (Chuckles, laughter) 73 00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:17,556 l don't know. 74 00:04:17,607 --> 00:04:20,041 The night is young, Stephen. 75 00:04:20,087 --> 00:04:24,080 Let me just say that cummingtonite is one word. 76 00:04:24,127 --> 00:04:27,403 - Ah, cummingtonite... - Oh, maybe it's a website. 77 00:04:27,447 --> 00:04:30,200 - No. - (Laughter) 78 00:04:30,247 --> 00:04:34,798 Oh dear, l'm sure if we looked it up, it would be. 79 00:04:34,847 --> 00:04:37,202 (Andy) ls it a small village? 80 00:04:37,247 --> 00:04:39,636 ls it cummingtonite, as in like kryptonite, 81 00:04:39,687 --> 00:04:42,360 - like some sort of a metallic thing? - Yes! 82 00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:43,886 lt's a mineral, well done, 83 00:04:43,927 --> 00:04:47,636 l'll give you a couple of points for that. cummingtonite, it is cummingtonite. 84 00:04:47,687 --> 00:04:52,522 (Applause) 85 00:04:54,327 --> 00:04:57,205 There's a small town in Massachusetts called Cummington 86 00:04:57,247 --> 00:05:00,683 and they discovered a rock there, which is known as cummingtonite. 87 00:05:00,727 --> 00:05:02,957 Other comedy compounds have been named 88 00:05:03,007 --> 00:05:05,646 after the diagrams of their molecular structure, 89 00:05:05,687 --> 00:05:07,996 so what do you suppose this one is called? 90 00:05:08,047 --> 00:05:09,400 Oh, well, you don't have to... 91 00:05:09,447 --> 00:05:11,483 (Laughter) 92 00:05:12,607 --> 00:05:14,677 lt's the only question l will get right. 93 00:05:14,727 --> 00:05:15,876 lt's penguinone. 94 00:05:15,927 --> 00:05:21,445 - Well done, brilliant! - (Applause) 95 00:05:21,487 --> 00:05:26,163 That's why penguinone pasta is that shape as well, isn't it? 96 00:05:26,687 --> 00:05:29,884 And that's why our art and special effects department are... 97 00:05:29,927 --> 00:05:32,600 - Fired. - Reaching for their cards. 98 00:05:32,647 --> 00:05:37,038 They're gonna try another one and this time see if they can hide the answer. 99 00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:39,157 So what about this one? 100 00:05:39,767 --> 00:05:41,280 (Alan) Ooh. (Doon) Hash. 101 00:05:41,327 --> 00:05:43,602 (Stephen) lt looks like the front of an ant. 102 00:05:43,647 --> 00:05:45,558 Now you're thinking head on, l'm with you. 103 00:05:45,607 --> 00:05:48,679 - (Stephen) Yeah. - lt's quite frightening actually. 104 00:05:50,207 --> 00:05:51,845 Let's see if our art department can 105 00:05:51,887 --> 00:05:53,479 put up the answer for you. 106 00:05:53,527 --> 00:05:55,563 There you are! 107 00:05:55,607 --> 00:05:58,679 - (Laughter, applause) - lt's... 108 00:06:00,407 --> 00:06:03,160 lt is a cyclical compound of arsenic 109 00:06:03,207 --> 00:06:05,721 and it's called arsole. 110 00:06:06,447 --> 00:06:09,359 There's a thing called moronic acid, do you know about that? 111 00:06:09,407 --> 00:06:11,637 To whom will you give moronic acid? 112 00:06:11,687 --> 00:06:14,804 ls it the scientific name for Newcy Brown? ls that what it is? 113 00:06:14,847 --> 00:06:18,556 (Laughter) (Stephen) Very good. 114 00:06:18,607 --> 00:06:21,997 lt's from the herb Rhus javanica and it's given to people with herpes. 115 00:06:22,047 --> 00:06:25,835 Now, Doon, a cuisine question for you. 116 00:06:25,887 --> 00:06:29,960 Have you ever had a deep fried Mars bar? 117 00:06:30,007 --> 00:06:33,966 l have had a deep fried Curly Wurly. - Have you really? 118 00:06:34,007 --> 00:06:35,645 - Yes. - Did you batter it? 119 00:06:35,687 --> 00:06:36,836 lt was battered. 120 00:06:36,887 --> 00:06:39,481 ln my local chip shop in Fife, 121 00:06:39,527 --> 00:06:42,360 you could have the chocolate bar of your choice. 122 00:06:42,407 --> 00:06:44,318 - Wow. - You could hold it in the paper. 123 00:06:44,367 --> 00:06:45,356 And it's, yeah... 124 00:06:45,407 --> 00:06:48,763 Did the batter cover it completely, or were there still the little holes? 125 00:06:48,807 --> 00:06:50,286 No sadly not. 126 00:06:50,327 --> 00:06:52,682 Sadly not a lattice work of beauty, no. 127 00:06:52,727 --> 00:06:58,085 - Just a lump of greasy fat... - (Laughter) 128 00:06:58,127 --> 00:06:59,196 ...heart-attack... 129 00:06:59,247 --> 00:07:02,876 - Could you stop doing that? - l suddenly realised what... 130 00:07:02,927 --> 00:07:06,602 (Applause) 131 00:07:06,647 --> 00:07:09,844 But you can get deep fried salad. 132 00:07:09,887 --> 00:07:10,956 Oh, no! 133 00:07:11,007 --> 00:07:13,601 lt's crispy seaweed - otherwise known as. 134 00:07:13,647 --> 00:07:15,046 Good point, that is deep fried. 135 00:07:15,087 --> 00:07:18,397 But, yes... No, in Scotland you seem to be able to get anything deep fried. 136 00:07:18,447 --> 00:07:21,678 There is evidence they've taken on board the government's advice 137 00:07:21,727 --> 00:07:23,479 about the Mediterranean diet, 138 00:07:23,527 --> 00:07:25,483 you can get deep fried pizza as well. 139 00:07:25,527 --> 00:07:26,562 Yep. 140 00:07:26,607 --> 00:07:29,758 Extraordinary. Have you had it? You've been in Edinburgh many times. 141 00:07:29,807 --> 00:07:33,595 l have and do you know what, l've heard tell of this strange beast, 142 00:07:33,647 --> 00:07:37,720 and many comedians would do jokes about deep fried Mars bars, 143 00:07:37,767 --> 00:07:42,045 but l never had the courage to have them. They're odd to me, Scottish chip shops. 144 00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:43,076 Carry oot. 145 00:07:43,127 --> 00:07:46,483 Well, you know, they say; can l have a fish supper. 146 00:07:46,527 --> 00:07:48,995 And like, supper means 147 00:07:49,047 --> 00:07:51,800 - "and chips". - (Laughter) 148 00:07:51,847 --> 00:07:53,075 That's right! 149 00:07:55,087 --> 00:07:58,875 l thought l'd go in and, you know, ask for a supper supper, 150 00:07:58,927 --> 00:08:01,964 you know, and see if l had two lots of chips. 151 00:08:02,527 --> 00:08:04,995 But you could also buy individual cigarettes there, 152 00:08:05,047 --> 00:08:06,400 so to add insult to injury, 153 00:08:06,447 --> 00:08:08,244 you could, to add to your heart attack, 154 00:08:08,287 --> 00:08:11,165 then buy a single No 6 and quickly have it. 155 00:08:11,207 --> 00:08:14,438 - (Arthur) Deep fried. - Deep fried No 6. 156 00:08:14,487 --> 00:08:16,955 Deep fried Benson & Hedges are really good. 157 00:08:17,007 --> 00:08:18,759 Everything in there was deep fried. 158 00:08:18,807 --> 00:08:21,526 You came out, you were deep fried yourself. 159 00:08:21,567 --> 00:08:24,400 - And that is Scottish cuisine. - (Doon) Yes. 160 00:08:24,447 --> 00:08:27,120 But isn't a deep... ls that not a myth, a deep fried Mars... 161 00:08:27,167 --> 00:08:30,637 lt isn't a myth, and that's why we're asking, because some people think it is. 162 00:08:30,687 --> 00:08:32,245 lt absolutely isn't a myth at all. 163 00:08:32,287 --> 00:08:34,926 lt really, really does exist. There's one. 164 00:08:34,967 --> 00:08:36,195 (Audience groan) 165 00:08:36,247 --> 00:08:39,000 Can we talk about herpes again, please? 166 00:08:39,047 --> 00:08:40,480 (Laughter) 167 00:08:40,527 --> 00:08:44,315 ls this what you were swimming into when you crossed the Channel? 168 00:08:44,367 --> 00:08:46,881 - Pretty horrific. - (Alan) A deep fried turd. 169 00:08:46,927 --> 00:08:50,397 There was a Mark Pettricrew of the MRC Social and Public Health Sciences Unit 170 00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:52,085 who'd surveyed 300 shops. 171 00:08:52,127 --> 00:08:55,244 22% of them sold deep fried Mars bars. 172 00:08:55,287 --> 00:08:58,962 But he also came across deep fried Creme Eggs... 173 00:08:59,007 --> 00:09:00,725 ice cream, bananas and Rolos. 174 00:09:00,767 --> 00:09:02,758 - And to that we add... - Curly Wurlys. 175 00:09:02,807 --> 00:09:04,638 What do they look like again? 176 00:09:04,687 --> 00:09:07,281 - l'm not... - (Laughter) 177 00:09:07,327 --> 00:09:09,204 Nearly got you. 178 00:09:09,247 --> 00:09:12,922 ln Glasgow, perhaps the least healthy food ever sold, 179 00:09:12,967 --> 00:09:16,755 is the deep fried pork sausage kebab. 180 00:09:16,807 --> 00:09:17,842 (Laughter) 181 00:09:17,887 --> 00:09:22,199 You take a pork sausage, you wrap it in doner kebab meat, 182 00:09:22,247 --> 00:09:23,919 coat it in batter and deep fry it. 183 00:09:23,967 --> 00:09:25,559 (Doon) Oh, stop, l can't breathe. 184 00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:28,758 lt's 1,000 of your best calories 185 00:09:28,807 --> 00:09:31,799 and 46 grams of fat. 186 00:09:33,007 --> 00:09:34,645 But if you called it, you know, 187 00:09:34,687 --> 00:09:41,763 "saucisson en croute avec un coulis superb," 188 00:09:41,807 --> 00:09:44,241 - you could charge 25 quid for it. - You could! 189 00:09:44,287 --> 00:09:47,085 But instead, in Glasgow they call it a "stonner". 190 00:09:47,127 --> 00:09:49,595 Do you know what Stonner is? 191 00:09:49,647 --> 00:09:52,320 - "Stonner." - lt means an erection. 192 00:09:52,367 --> 00:09:55,359 - Oh does it? - "lt means a stiffy, aye." 193 00:09:56,327 --> 00:09:59,125 - That's a Scottish accent. - Which part of Scotland was that? 194 00:09:59,167 --> 00:10:01,078 Well, do you know, the part l love, 195 00:10:01,127 --> 00:10:03,277 there's a marvellous story about Maggie Smith 196 00:10:03,327 --> 00:10:05,716 when she was going to play Miss Jean Brodie, 197 00:10:05,767 --> 00:10:08,964 and she was going, "Oh God, l can't do a bloody Scottish accent. 198 00:10:09,007 --> 00:10:11,521 A friend of hers said, l've got an aunt in Morningside, 199 00:10:11,567 --> 00:10:15,719 which is just the right area for Jean Brodie, that very refined Scottish accent. 200 00:10:15,767 --> 00:10:18,600 Call her up and, you know, offer to take her out to tea. 201 00:10:18,647 --> 00:10:21,605 Maggie Smith called up and said, "Hello, my name's Maggie Smith, 202 00:10:21,647 --> 00:10:24,719 "l don't know if you know the novel, The Prime Of Miss Jean Brodie. 203 00:10:24,767 --> 00:10:29,716 "l'm playing that character and apparently you have a charming Morningside accent. 204 00:10:29,767 --> 00:10:31,962 "l'd like to take you to tea and maybe record..." 205 00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:33,679 And there was a very frigid pause. 206 00:10:33,727 --> 00:10:38,755 "My dear, l have been told l have no accent whatever." 207 00:10:38,807 --> 00:10:41,367 And she put the phone down. Completely insulted. 208 00:10:41,407 --> 00:10:45,036 And there are Scots... l remember talking to one Scot 209 00:10:45,087 --> 00:10:47,647 who spoke a form of Scottish 210 00:10:47,687 --> 00:10:49,200 where he was convinced 211 00:10:49,247 --> 00:10:51,841 that everyone thought he sounded English. 212 00:10:51,887 --> 00:10:54,037 "There is absolutely nothing l am saying 213 00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:57,284 "which ought to lead you to believe that l am Scottish. 214 00:10:57,327 --> 00:10:59,477 "Absolutely every vowel is pure English." 215 00:10:59,527 --> 00:11:01,438 And yet it sounded more Scottish 216 00:11:01,487 --> 00:11:05,196 than the worst Glaswegian drunk in a Soho doorway. 217 00:11:05,247 --> 00:11:07,317 (Laughter) 218 00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:10,439 - (Arthur) And you were doing so well. - Yes. 219 00:11:10,487 --> 00:11:14,765 (Hoarse Scottish accent) l know you, you know that voice, it goes... 220 00:11:14,807 --> 00:11:16,399 Really, l've got to say, Stephen, 221 00:11:16,447 --> 00:11:21,043 it's been a bewildering array of Scottish accents. 222 00:11:21,727 --> 00:11:23,445 Anyway, we move from Scotland 223 00:11:23,487 --> 00:11:27,560 to something quite unconnected, and that's the world of crime. Now... 224 00:11:27,607 --> 00:11:29,518 (Laughter) 225 00:11:29,567 --> 00:11:31,956 l'm... Please, let me... Oh, no... 226 00:11:32,007 --> 00:11:33,884 Anyway, now, although it has been illegal 227 00:11:33,927 --> 00:11:38,159 for many, many years, some tribal authorities in Nigeria 228 00:11:38,207 --> 00:11:41,756 still cling to "ordeal by bean". 229 00:11:42,647 --> 00:11:45,286 And l want to know what that is. 230 00:11:45,327 --> 00:11:47,443 Well, l've certainly had that. 231 00:11:47,487 --> 00:11:49,921 You know when you're stuck on an aeroplane 232 00:11:49,967 --> 00:11:54,279 and you're forced to watch seven episodes of Mr Bean. 233 00:11:54,327 --> 00:11:58,957 (Alarm) 234 00:12:00,567 --> 00:12:02,444 l'm going to fall back on my usual theory, 235 00:12:02,487 --> 00:12:06,162 which is it's gonna be inserted about your person somewhere. 236 00:12:06,207 --> 00:12:07,560 lt's a nice thought, isn't it, 237 00:12:07,607 --> 00:12:11,202 to have a bean popped in, but it's not that. 238 00:12:12,167 --> 00:12:15,364 ls it to find out if ladies are witches, 239 00:12:15,407 --> 00:12:17,762 do they force feed them beans and then if they fart, 240 00:12:17,807 --> 00:12:20,560 they are witches and then they die anyway and that's... 241 00:12:20,607 --> 00:12:22,996 You're absolutely along the right lines, 242 00:12:23,047 --> 00:12:24,526 it's that kind of an ordeal. 243 00:12:24,567 --> 00:12:26,842 lt's a bean that is so poisonous 244 00:12:26,887 --> 00:12:29,720 that one of its seeds is a lethal dose. 245 00:12:29,767 --> 00:12:31,883 And it's a Nigerian tribal custom 246 00:12:31,927 --> 00:12:34,760 which is outlawed but still apparently carries on. 247 00:12:34,807 --> 00:12:37,844 lf you deep fried it, would it be all right then? 248 00:12:37,887 --> 00:12:40,560 Can you deep fry it into submission? 249 00:12:40,607 --> 00:12:42,518 The key is to eat it very quickly. 250 00:12:42,567 --> 00:12:45,206 Do you have deep fried baked beans? Do they do that? 251 00:12:45,247 --> 00:12:48,284 - Would you do them individually? - ls that a gap in the market... 252 00:12:48,327 --> 00:12:51,922 Or probably put them in a polystyrene cup and then put batter round that. 253 00:12:51,967 --> 00:12:53,559 No, just in the tin. 254 00:12:53,607 --> 00:12:56,644 - Just in the tin, they do the whole tin. - (Laughter) 255 00:12:58,087 --> 00:13:03,081 l heard that 95% of the baked beans in the world are eaten in Britain. 256 00:13:03,127 --> 00:13:04,719 No one else eats baked beans, 257 00:13:04,767 --> 00:13:06,883 apart from the Finns or something, 258 00:13:06,927 --> 00:13:09,600 - 20 Finns like a can. - (Laughter) 259 00:13:10,847 --> 00:13:13,122 Why can't other bean manufacturers 260 00:13:13,167 --> 00:13:15,681 make their beans taste like Heinz beans? 261 00:13:15,727 --> 00:13:19,356 All the other ones, you get, if they haven't got Heinz in, 262 00:13:19,407 --> 00:13:21,398 they don't taste... What's going on there? 263 00:13:21,447 --> 00:13:23,836 Can't they just get the sauce and do a bit of analysis, 264 00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:25,479 make the same thing? 265 00:13:25,527 --> 00:13:29,361 Are you just after a big shipment of Heinz baked beans, is that what... 266 00:13:29,407 --> 00:13:33,286 (Andy) Because that's pretty brazen... As advertisements go. 267 00:13:33,327 --> 00:13:35,841 There are no beans like Heinz, says Alan Davies. 268 00:13:35,887 --> 00:13:38,321 (Laughter) 269 00:13:38,367 --> 00:13:40,597 (Applause) 270 00:13:41,927 --> 00:13:44,964 There's no champagne like Krug, that's what l always say. 271 00:13:45,007 --> 00:13:48,158 - (Laughter, applause) - l don't know about you. 272 00:13:49,967 --> 00:13:52,117 There's a Calabar bean, or a series of them. 273 00:13:52,167 --> 00:13:53,839 (Alan) Eat one of them and you'll die? 274 00:13:53,887 --> 00:13:57,926 Yes. lf you're innocent, apparently the idea is you eat them very quickly, 275 00:13:57,967 --> 00:14:01,801 really gulp them down, it hits a bit which makes you vomit them up very fast. 276 00:14:01,847 --> 00:14:04,725 Whereas if you eat them slowly, they get into your bloodsteam. 277 00:14:04,767 --> 00:14:08,043 So, in theory, innocent people eat more quickly than guilty people. 278 00:14:08,087 --> 00:14:11,284 The Calabar bean has helped us with anti-tetanus and with... 279 00:14:11,327 --> 00:14:13,363 it's an antidote to strychnine. 280 00:14:13,407 --> 00:14:15,443 lf someone's dying of strychnine poison... 281 00:14:15,487 --> 00:14:18,320 You give them a lethal bean. 282 00:14:18,367 --> 00:14:20,358 And then they won't die of strychnine. 283 00:14:20,407 --> 00:14:22,762 Exactly. Die of the Calabar. 284 00:14:22,807 --> 00:14:24,843 lt might be a witch, so it's good that they die. 285 00:14:24,887 --> 00:14:25,922 That's true. 286 00:14:27,207 --> 00:14:29,357 (Arthur) l knew a witch, she was very nice. 287 00:14:29,407 --> 00:14:31,921 Maybe never put a spell on you though, eh? 288 00:14:31,967 --> 00:14:36,518 Or maybe she gave me a terrible time, put a spell on me to say what l'm saying. 289 00:14:36,567 --> 00:14:39,081 - (Arthur) The truth. - "She was very nice". 290 00:14:39,127 --> 00:14:40,799 She's like that... (Cackles) 291 00:14:40,847 --> 00:14:45,841 - (Laughter) - l'm not nice at all! 292 00:14:45,887 --> 00:14:49,038 Now, fourthly, as it were, Arthur, 293 00:14:49,087 --> 00:14:54,400 why did Big Beard Wang regularly shave his pussy? 294 00:14:54,447 --> 00:14:56,165 (Laughter) 295 00:14:56,207 --> 00:15:00,166 Well, l'm afraid l'm disappointed that we've 296 00:15:00,207 --> 00:15:03,517 got a cheap laugh from the "word" pussy. 297 00:15:03,567 --> 00:15:05,205 l was laughing at Wang, actually. 298 00:15:05,247 --> 00:15:07,238 (Laughter) 299 00:15:07,287 --> 00:15:09,323 - l think it's a person... - You're right. 300 00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:12,120 Big Beard Wang, who... 301 00:15:12,167 --> 00:15:15,955 one could assume he had a large beard... 302 00:15:16,007 --> 00:15:18,202 (Alan) And he shaved his cat. 303 00:15:18,247 --> 00:15:21,876 Mm, well he was a barber, he was a barber to a very famous man. 304 00:15:21,927 --> 00:15:24,521 - Was he a Chinese barber? - He was a Chinese barber? 305 00:15:24,567 --> 00:15:26,717 - An emperor was there? - Kind of, l suppose, 306 00:15:26,767 --> 00:15:28,598 though he would not call himself one. 307 00:15:28,647 --> 00:15:31,559 - (Arthur) Chairman Mao. - Chairman Mao, indeed. 308 00:15:31,607 --> 00:15:35,680 - And Mao is the Chinese for? - (Alan) Cat. 309 00:15:35,727 --> 00:15:37,604 - Cat. Exactly. - (Doon) Meow. 310 00:15:37,647 --> 00:15:41,401 Meow you would think, but no, it really is, Mao is cat. 311 00:15:41,447 --> 00:15:44,837 ls that cat on the end of Chairman Mao's... 312 00:15:44,887 --> 00:15:46,559 (Laughter) 313 00:15:46,607 --> 00:15:49,565 (Arthur) That's why he's smiling. 314 00:15:49,607 --> 00:15:52,485 l don't remember that as one of those communist posters. 315 00:15:52,527 --> 00:15:54,483 (Laughter) 316 00:15:54,527 --> 00:15:58,202 lt means cat, Mao, and it also means hat, oddly enough. 317 00:15:58,247 --> 00:16:02,035 So, "mao dza li di mao", means the cat in the hat. 318 00:16:02,887 --> 00:16:05,924 The next question is purely a matter of choice for you now. 319 00:16:05,967 --> 00:16:09,516 How old would you like to be? Arthur? 320 00:16:09,567 --> 00:16:13,765 l should like to be six. 321 00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:16,605 - Or sixty-two l think. - Sixty two. 322 00:16:16,647 --> 00:16:19,161 No, l'd like to be six because it's marvellous to be six, 323 00:16:19,207 --> 00:16:20,845 because you're not aware of your own mortality. 324 00:16:20,887 --> 00:16:22,957 You think you're the centre of the universe, 325 00:16:23,007 --> 00:16:25,999 days last a hundred years. 326 00:16:27,207 --> 00:16:29,516 lt's always summer. 327 00:16:29,567 --> 00:16:32,957 You can put your head in some custard and no one cares. 328 00:16:33,007 --> 00:16:34,645 (Laughter) 329 00:16:34,687 --> 00:16:38,566 - You're arguing a very persuasive case... - (Alan) You do get a lot of custard at six. 330 00:16:38,607 --> 00:16:41,167 - You do. - l haven't had nearly as much custard 331 00:16:41,207 --> 00:16:43,721 - since l was a child. - (Arthur) No. 332 00:16:43,767 --> 00:16:46,565 l think l probably had most... About 90% of my life's custard 333 00:16:46,607 --> 00:16:49,440 - l think l had in the first 10 years. - (Laughter) 334 00:16:49,487 --> 00:16:51,284 Alan Davies - the custard years. 335 00:16:51,327 --> 00:16:53,443 - (Laughter) - They were. 336 00:16:53,487 --> 00:16:55,637 And the fish finger years as well. 337 00:16:55,687 --> 00:16:58,759 And the baked bean years! 338 00:16:58,807 --> 00:17:00,126 (Laughter) 339 00:17:00,167 --> 00:17:02,522 - No, l'd like to be 26 - 26? 340 00:17:02,567 --> 00:17:06,037 Yeah, but that's just because of Denise Bachelor. 341 00:17:06,087 --> 00:17:08,521 - (Laughter) - Who's Denise Bachelor? 342 00:17:08,567 --> 00:17:10,603 Somebody l knew when l was twenty six, 343 00:17:10,647 --> 00:17:13,161 - she was marvellous. - (Laughter) 344 00:17:14,207 --> 00:17:17,199 - Do Batchelor make beans? - Yeah, but they're not as good as Heinz. 345 00:17:17,247 --> 00:17:20,205 - Why aren't they? - (Laughter) 346 00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:22,397 Why doesn't someone else go into making beans? 347 00:17:22,447 --> 00:17:24,244 lt's always about Heinz... Why don't... 348 00:17:24,287 --> 00:17:27,120 - Gordon Ramsay, he could do beans. - (Stephen) Ramsay beans. 349 00:17:27,167 --> 00:17:29,840 Yeah, (BEEP)... ing beans, he'd say. 350 00:17:29,887 --> 00:17:32,447 (Laughter) 351 00:17:32,487 --> 00:17:36,799 it's a brilliant idea for a whole new range of Gordon (BEEP)... ing foods, isn't it? 352 00:17:37,687 --> 00:17:40,565 The instructions'll say put 'em in the (BEEP)... ing saucepan, 353 00:17:40,607 --> 00:17:42,279 you (BEEP)... ing idiot! 354 00:17:42,327 --> 00:17:44,522 (Laughter) 355 00:17:44,567 --> 00:17:48,480 - Show a bit of (BEEP)... ing passion! - (Laughter) 356 00:17:52,047 --> 00:17:55,164 l'm going to have to drag you back to our question, because l like six. 357 00:17:55,207 --> 00:17:56,765 Andy, what age would you like to be? 358 00:17:56,807 --> 00:17:59,002 - l'd like to be 90. - 90? 359 00:17:59,047 --> 00:18:02,005 Yeah, l'd like people to think l was 90 360 00:18:02,047 --> 00:18:04,242 cos then you can get away with murder. 361 00:18:04,287 --> 00:18:06,084 (Laughter) 362 00:18:06,127 --> 00:18:08,880 Coming with 90, it is essential to say so all the time. 363 00:18:08,927 --> 00:18:11,202 - Yeah, "l'm 90." - "l'm 90 you know." 364 00:18:11,247 --> 00:18:12,760 (Andy) Yeah. 365 00:18:12,807 --> 00:18:15,844 My gran used to add a year. She'd say, "l'm 75 next year". 366 00:18:15,887 --> 00:18:18,117 You're 74 then, aren't you? 367 00:18:18,167 --> 00:18:20,123 (Laughter) 368 00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:21,646 35 was a good year. 369 00:18:21,687 --> 00:18:23,405 l went out with this marvellous woman 370 00:18:23,447 --> 00:18:25,358 called Denise Bachelor. 371 00:18:25,407 --> 00:18:29,400 (Laughter, applause) 372 00:18:32,007 --> 00:18:34,316 Doon, what about you, what age would you like to be? 373 00:18:34,367 --> 00:18:39,202 l'd quite like to be a sort of a minute old. 374 00:18:39,247 --> 00:18:41,920 After the smack. And all of... Everything's washed off. 375 00:18:41,967 --> 00:18:43,480 Absolutely newborn baby? 376 00:18:43,527 --> 00:18:45,882 You're straight on the tit. 377 00:18:45,927 --> 00:18:48,521 You've got entertainment, 378 00:18:48,567 --> 00:18:51,320 you've got sleep and you can cry all the time 379 00:18:51,367 --> 00:18:53,597 without anyone thinking you're weird. 380 00:18:55,007 --> 00:18:57,396 You lie on a sheepskin and everyone just goes, 381 00:18:57,447 --> 00:19:00,041 "You are just beautiful..." 382 00:19:01,287 --> 00:19:03,357 And they do that... thing onto you, 383 00:19:03,407 --> 00:19:04,726 Yeah, on your tummy. 384 00:19:04,767 --> 00:19:07,361 Well, you can do that to people again when you're ninety. 385 00:19:07,407 --> 00:19:09,796 - (Laughter) - That's true. 386 00:19:09,847 --> 00:19:12,998 - (Stephen) Spend your time on the tit. - Exactly. 387 00:19:14,047 --> 00:19:17,722 Do you know what, according to market researchers, Datamonitor - 388 00:19:17,767 --> 00:19:20,406 who interviewed lots of people, children and adults - 389 00:19:20,447 --> 00:19:23,325 - what the perfect age turned out to be? - 25. 390 00:19:23,367 --> 00:19:25,801 - 24, l was gonna say. - (Andy) Uhh, 31. 391 00:19:25,847 --> 00:19:29,283 - Uh, six. - (Laughter) 392 00:19:29,327 --> 00:19:33,525 Surprisingly, the answer is 17. l hated 17. 393 00:19:33,567 --> 00:19:35,239 (Andy and Arthur) That was terrible! 394 00:19:35,287 --> 00:19:38,165 - (Laughter) - 17 is a terrible age. 395 00:19:38,207 --> 00:19:42,519 Yeah, it was for me. l had like awful hair, spots, glasses. 396 00:19:42,567 --> 00:19:45,718 Yeah, you were terrible, l remember you. 397 00:19:46,607 --> 00:19:49,485 - l was in prison. - That kind of faint aroma of... 398 00:19:49,527 --> 00:19:53,315 (Applause) (Stephen) As it happens. But, um... 399 00:19:53,367 --> 00:19:56,404 - (Alan) And rightly so. - And rightly so, absolutely. 400 00:19:56,447 --> 00:19:57,800 lt's interesting to work out. 401 00:19:57,847 --> 00:20:00,236 From a man's point of view, the perfect age for a woman 402 00:20:00,287 --> 00:20:03,723 is said to be half his own age plus seven. 403 00:20:03,767 --> 00:20:06,918 Right, so if you're 40, a 27 year-old. 404 00:20:06,967 --> 00:20:10,084 - So, if you're 20... - Denise Bachelor was 33. 405 00:20:10,127 --> 00:20:11,685 (Laughter) 406 00:20:11,727 --> 00:20:13,558 Take it from me, that is the perfect age. 407 00:20:13,607 --> 00:20:14,676 Yeah. 408 00:20:14,727 --> 00:20:18,686 Well if you're 20, that means that the girl would be 17, yes? 409 00:20:18,727 --> 00:20:20,479 Half your age plus seven. 410 00:20:20,527 --> 00:20:25,157 lf you're thirteen, it would be thirteen, rather pleasingly, 411 00:20:25,207 --> 00:20:27,846 half your age as it were, be thirteen and a half. 412 00:20:27,887 --> 00:20:31,357 - (Tenor buzzer) - Yes, Arthur? 413 00:20:31,407 --> 00:20:34,638 - Well l just hadn't heard it and... - (Laughter) 414 00:20:34,687 --> 00:20:36,917 What do they all sound like together? 415 00:20:36,967 --> 00:20:40,721 - One, two, three. - (All play at once) 416 00:20:41,847 --> 00:20:43,121 Mmm, maybe not. 417 00:20:43,167 --> 00:20:45,237 (Laughter) 418 00:20:45,287 --> 00:20:48,438 Let us move on to a round of General lgnorance. 419 00:20:48,487 --> 00:20:49,840 Fingers on the buzzers. 420 00:20:49,887 --> 00:20:53,516 Show me roughly, how big is a platypus? 421 00:20:53,567 --> 00:20:57,401 - (Howl) - About that long. 422 00:20:57,447 --> 00:21:01,326 (Stephen) No. (Alarm) 423 00:21:01,367 --> 00:21:04,962 (Laughter, applause) 424 00:21:05,647 --> 00:21:08,684 "About this big" is wrong? 425 00:21:08,727 --> 00:21:10,285 We're being very technical, 426 00:21:10,327 --> 00:21:12,921 there's one thing that's technically called a platypus 427 00:21:12,967 --> 00:21:14,480 and that is actually a beetle. 428 00:21:14,527 --> 00:21:15,801 That's the real platypus. 429 00:21:15,847 --> 00:21:19,965 lt was a sort of nickname given to the duck-billed platypus that we still use. 430 00:21:20,007 --> 00:21:22,396 What do you know about the duck-billed kind? 431 00:21:22,447 --> 00:21:25,678 Only found in Australia, lives in water, got a flat bill on the front. 432 00:21:25,727 --> 00:21:27,479 - l've seen 'em in a zoo. - There you are. 433 00:21:27,527 --> 00:21:30,519 They swim about, they're quite frisky, they're very cute. 434 00:21:30,567 --> 00:21:32,717 When the first stuffed one appeared in Europe, 435 00:21:32,767 --> 00:21:34,917 people thought it was a hoax by a taxidermist. 436 00:21:34,967 --> 00:21:38,926 They refused to believe it was real. They thought it was a beaver's tail and... 437 00:21:38,967 --> 00:21:41,527 Do you know they used to have a thing in Horniman's Museum, 438 00:21:41,567 --> 00:21:44,559 They used to have a seal and it had underneath 439 00:21:44,607 --> 00:21:46,916 "(badly stuffed)". 440 00:21:46,967 --> 00:21:49,401 - (Laughter) - Sweet. 441 00:21:49,447 --> 00:21:51,597 But they lay eggs, of course. 442 00:21:51,647 --> 00:21:54,161 - A mammal but they lay eggs. - Are they poisonous? 443 00:21:54,207 --> 00:21:58,086 l'll give you five points for that because it's the only mammal on earth 444 00:21:58,127 --> 00:22:01,563 that has venom, a poison spur, you're quite right. 445 00:22:01,607 --> 00:22:04,075 But which other mammal lays eggs, there's only one... 446 00:22:04,127 --> 00:22:05,799 - Crocodile? - No, a mammal. 447 00:22:05,847 --> 00:22:07,883 - OK. - (Laughter) 448 00:22:08,967 --> 00:22:12,403 A very, very strange dog. 449 00:22:12,447 --> 00:22:14,005 (Laughter) 450 00:22:14,047 --> 00:22:16,766 No, it's a spiny anteater, an echidna. 451 00:22:16,807 --> 00:22:17,842 Oh. 452 00:22:17,887 --> 00:22:20,196 ls a chicken not a mammal then? 453 00:22:20,247 --> 00:22:22,477 No, it's a bird. 454 00:22:22,527 --> 00:22:25,200 (Laughter) 455 00:22:25,247 --> 00:22:28,000 - Do you know what? - Mammals as in mammaries. 456 00:22:28,047 --> 00:22:30,481 Mammals are animals that suckle their young. 457 00:22:30,527 --> 00:22:32,643 The point about it is it gives off milk. 458 00:22:32,687 --> 00:22:36,441 But unlike most mammals, it doesn't have nipples, a platypus. 459 00:22:36,487 --> 00:22:38,239 lt sweats milk. 460 00:22:38,287 --> 00:22:40,323 Ooh. 461 00:22:40,887 --> 00:22:45,358 l mean in a sense, nipples are like over-grown sebaceous... little sweat glands. 462 00:22:45,407 --> 00:22:48,444 That's what happens, a little milk was... and then it became... 463 00:22:48,487 --> 00:22:50,398 - Can you stop doing that? - Sorry. 464 00:22:50,447 --> 00:22:51,641 (Laughter) 465 00:22:51,687 --> 00:22:54,406 But anyway, yeah, they're extraordinary creatures. 466 00:22:54,447 --> 00:22:55,960 Have you ever seen one in the wild? 467 00:22:56,007 --> 00:22:58,919 - Never have, l'd love to. - Have you ever been on a safari? 468 00:22:58,967 --> 00:23:01,162 Yeah, l've been to see gorilla and... 469 00:23:01,207 --> 00:23:05,041 To wake up in the jungle is one of the most joyous experiences you can have. 470 00:23:05,087 --> 00:23:09,160 l don't know what it is about it. The night is horrific, the noise unspeakable. 471 00:23:09,207 --> 00:23:11,641 The things that are said, you're just falling asleep 472 00:23:11,687 --> 00:23:14,281 and someone goes, (High-pitched) "Have a nut!" 473 00:23:14,327 --> 00:23:17,000 - (Laughter) - And it's an animal of some kind. 474 00:23:17,047 --> 00:23:19,402 And then another one says, 475 00:23:19,447 --> 00:23:21,722 "My grandmother's dead!" Like this... 476 00:23:21,767 --> 00:23:24,565 (Makes animal noises) 477 00:23:24,607 --> 00:23:26,359 Like this and then... Raagh! 478 00:23:26,407 --> 00:23:30,719 And it's all happening this close to you and you're just going like this. 479 00:23:30,767 --> 00:23:33,725 (Arthur) That was a great party! (Laughter) 480 00:23:33,767 --> 00:23:36,679 (Alan) Yeah, you fell asleep on the sofa... 481 00:23:36,727 --> 00:23:40,117 You turn a light on and of course it just... 482 00:23:40,167 --> 00:23:44,319 things fly at you like this, hideous, leathery things fly at you. 483 00:23:44,367 --> 00:23:47,200 And it's just unspeakably noisy and horrific. 484 00:23:47,247 --> 00:23:49,203 And you're quivering and sweating. 485 00:23:49,247 --> 00:23:51,966 But when you wake up in it, it's amazing, everything... 486 00:23:52,007 --> 00:23:54,282 suddenly all the noises are little liquid warbles of... 487 00:23:54,327 --> 00:23:57,603 - (Doon makes jungle calls) - Exactly, exactly. 488 00:23:57,647 --> 00:23:59,763 (Tenor buzzer) 489 00:23:59,807 --> 00:24:00,842 (Laughter) 490 00:24:00,887 --> 00:24:02,718 Anyway, good, well done on platypuses. 491 00:24:02,767 --> 00:24:05,327 How many people, next question, fingers on buzzers - 492 00:24:05,367 --> 00:24:08,757 how many people can take part in a dialogue? 493 00:24:08,807 --> 00:24:11,560 (Howl) 494 00:24:11,607 --> 00:24:13,404 (Stephen) Go on. 495 00:24:16,927 --> 00:24:20,476 - Two. - (Alarm) 496 00:24:20,927 --> 00:24:22,280 ls that a duologue? 497 00:24:22,327 --> 00:24:23,760 That's a duologue, absolutely. 498 00:24:23,807 --> 00:24:26,401 l mean, of course two people could be in dialogue, 499 00:24:26,447 --> 00:24:28,517 but it could be one person, could be a hundred. 500 00:24:28,567 --> 00:24:32,321 "Dia-" is Greek for across or through, not two. 501 00:24:32,367 --> 00:24:35,359 What are the contents of the Queen's handbag? 502 00:24:35,407 --> 00:24:38,205 (Bass buzzer) 503 00:24:38,247 --> 00:24:43,082 l don't think l've ever seen the Queen get anything out of her handbag. 504 00:24:43,127 --> 00:24:46,005 And she's certainly never done that thing that women do, 505 00:24:46,047 --> 00:24:49,403 you know, where they go, "lt's in here somewhere, l know it is" 506 00:24:49,447 --> 00:24:50,675 and they empty it out. 507 00:24:50,727 --> 00:24:55,721 So, my suspicion is that 508 00:24:55,767 --> 00:24:58,406 she probably has nothing in her handbag. 509 00:24:58,447 --> 00:25:02,326 l think it's probably a kind of social defence 510 00:25:02,367 --> 00:25:05,882 and it means she doesn't have to hold Prince Philip's hand, look. 511 00:25:05,927 --> 00:25:07,326 (Soprano buzzer) 512 00:25:07,367 --> 00:25:10,882 - The Little Book Of Calm... - (Laughter) 513 00:25:10,927 --> 00:25:13,236 and Mace spray. 514 00:25:13,287 --> 00:25:14,481 (Laughter) 515 00:25:14,527 --> 00:25:16,916 There's a lot of people around her who get too close. 516 00:25:16,967 --> 00:25:20,403 There's men in big hats, it's like, "Back off, back off!" 517 00:25:23,087 --> 00:25:24,839 Apparently the Queen does carry money, 518 00:25:24,887 --> 00:25:28,766 a lot of people think she doesn't but for Sundays she always has money, 519 00:25:28,807 --> 00:25:32,038 an unspecified denomination folded in her handbag there. 520 00:25:32,087 --> 00:25:35,762 And, also she has a comb, apparently, 521 00:25:35,807 --> 00:25:39,641 a handkerchief, a small gold compact and a tube of lipstick. 522 00:25:39,687 --> 00:25:42,565 Maybe she gets upset if she carries a fiver. 523 00:25:42,607 --> 00:25:44,677 "God... l used to be so pretty." 524 00:25:44,727 --> 00:25:47,116 (Laughter) 525 00:25:48,927 --> 00:25:52,442 She's got a deep fried Curly Wurly in there, she's gotta have some pleasure. 526 00:25:54,007 --> 00:25:55,520 She sits in the loo and eats it. 527 00:25:55,567 --> 00:25:57,046 Oh yes, like that, yes. 528 00:25:57,087 --> 00:25:59,601 And quietly eats away at it. 529 00:26:00,207 --> 00:26:03,802 She crams it all in when no one's looking. 530 00:26:03,847 --> 00:26:05,838 "l'm all right." 531 00:26:07,367 --> 00:26:10,757 Now, at the final bell, 532 00:26:10,807 --> 00:26:12,923 we wish you to make a glass break. 533 00:26:12,967 --> 00:26:15,356 l think first, in case you manage to do it, 534 00:26:15,407 --> 00:26:18,319 we're going to have to put on safety equipment. 535 00:26:18,367 --> 00:26:19,800 (Laughter) 536 00:26:21,367 --> 00:26:23,801 (Stephen) Oh, there... (Laughs) 537 00:26:23,847 --> 00:26:25,803 That's very good Alan. 538 00:26:25,847 --> 00:26:27,758 (Andy) Oh they suit you, Doon. 539 00:26:27,807 --> 00:26:30,367 They make you look sort of more academic. 540 00:26:30,407 --> 00:26:32,045 Oh, thank you. 541 00:26:32,087 --> 00:26:34,840 - l think you look more like a welder. - (Laughter) 542 00:26:38,327 --> 00:26:41,399 (Alan sings note, Arthur sings lower note) 543 00:26:41,447 --> 00:26:46,043 - Oh! Oh! - (Applause) 544 00:26:48,967 --> 00:26:51,606 (Doon) No, no, no, no... 545 00:26:51,647 --> 00:26:55,720 Yes, Alan l'm afraid, did cheat, because it's almost impossible to do. 546 00:26:55,767 --> 00:26:58,327 This is actually sugar glass. 547 00:26:58,367 --> 00:27:01,439 Like that, doesn't hurt at all. No! 548 00:27:01,487 --> 00:27:04,524 - (Doon) That's a real one! - Yours is real! 549 00:27:04,567 --> 00:27:07,240 - What did you do?! - (Applause) 550 00:27:07,287 --> 00:27:09,164 Lucky to be alive. 551 00:27:10,047 --> 00:27:12,038 l'll be hearing from your solicitor. 552 00:27:12,927 --> 00:27:15,725 lf it has caused even a second's misery to the health and safety people, 553 00:27:15,767 --> 00:27:17,120 l'm very pleased. 554 00:27:17,167 --> 00:27:19,283 (Laughter) 555 00:27:19,327 --> 00:27:21,841 - So, there we are. - (Applause) 556 00:27:23,847 --> 00:27:25,599 The scores, ladies and gentlemen. 557 00:27:25,647 --> 00:27:28,286 ln last place, but just, with minus six, 558 00:27:28,327 --> 00:27:30,477 is Arthur Smith, ladies and gentlemen. 559 00:27:30,527 --> 00:27:32,916 (Applause) 560 00:27:32,967 --> 00:27:35,845 ln third place with minus four, Alan Davies. 561 00:27:35,887 --> 00:27:38,799 (Applause) 562 00:27:38,847 --> 00:27:41,486 ln second place with minus two, Doon Mackichan... 563 00:27:41,527 --> 00:27:43,961 - (Applause) - And... 564 00:27:44,007 --> 00:27:47,886 in first place, with five whole points, is Andy Hamilton, 565 00:27:47,927 --> 00:27:52,125 - ladies and gentlemen. - (Applause) 566 00:27:58,647 --> 00:28:02,526 Well, that is about it from Andy, Arthur, Doon, Alan and me. 567 00:28:02,567 --> 00:28:04,762 l leave you with the wise words of the great Woody Allen. 568 00:28:04,807 --> 00:28:06,240 Of all the wonders of nature, 569 00:28:06,287 --> 00:28:09,518 "a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable, 570 00:28:09,567 --> 00:28:14,322 with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable You in spats. 571 00:28:14,367 --> 00:28:18,360 (Applause) 572 00:28:32,567 --> 00:28:35,206 - l want to try it with a real glass. - (Various) Go on, then. 573 00:28:35,247 --> 00:28:38,080 Really, really go for it, loud as you can, 100 decibels plus. 574 00:28:38,127 --> 00:28:42,803 (Note becoming high scream) 575 00:28:45,207 --> 00:28:48,085 (Alan) lt cracked my goggles, it cracked my goggles! 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net