1 00:00:23,607 --> 00:00:30,604 (Applause) 2 00:00:33,447 --> 00:00:35,324 Hello, hello, hello, hello. 3 00:00:35,367 --> 00:00:39,519 A very warm welcome to Ql on this chilly autumn evening. 4 00:00:39,567 --> 00:00:41,558 Well as a dog returns to its vomit, 5 00:00:41,607 --> 00:00:44,758 and a washed sow goes back to wallowing in the mud, 6 00:00:44,807 --> 00:00:47,560 let's meet the team who can't leave well alone. 7 00:00:47,607 --> 00:00:51,486 - Jo Brand. - (Applause) 8 00:00:51,527 --> 00:00:54,246 - Sean Lock. - Thank you. 9 00:00:54,287 --> 00:00:57,836 - Rich Hall. - (Applause) 10 00:00:57,887 --> 00:01:00,117 - And Alan Davies. - Thank you. 11 00:01:00,167 --> 00:01:03,955 (Applause) 12 00:01:04,007 --> 00:01:07,522 Well, the nights are drawing in, the weather's a disgrace, 13 00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:10,559 so tonight each guest has a seasonal buzzer. 14 00:01:10,607 --> 00:01:12,643 Let's hear them. Sean goes... 15 00:01:12,687 --> 00:01:15,406 (Nose sniffs) 16 00:01:15,447 --> 00:01:19,406 - Rich goes... - (Hacking cough) 17 00:01:19,447 --> 00:01:21,244 Jo goes... 18 00:01:21,287 --> 00:01:23,721 (Sneeze) 19 00:01:23,767 --> 00:01:28,682 - And Alan goes... - (Walrus groans) 20 00:01:32,127 --> 00:01:35,437 So Jo, can you smell the fear? 21 00:01:35,487 --> 00:01:37,284 - Of course. - Yeah? 22 00:01:37,327 --> 00:01:38,965 - (Jo) Hmm. - What its smell like? 23 00:01:39,007 --> 00:01:42,079 Jeremy Beadle. 24 00:01:42,127 --> 00:01:46,086 The only thing l'm scared of is pine cones. You know the ones with the little holes in? 25 00:01:46,127 --> 00:01:47,719 lf l see a banksia cone on the floor 26 00:01:47,767 --> 00:01:49,564 l have to look away, and if there's loads of them, 27 00:01:49,607 --> 00:01:51,325 l have to cover my eyes and just run off. 28 00:01:54,047 --> 00:01:56,322 - lt is an extraordinary phobia. - Yeah. 29 00:01:56,367 --> 00:01:59,598 You could probably smell the fear, but it would be a pine scented fear. 30 00:01:59,647 --> 00:02:02,878 Yes, there might be a lovely pine freshness to it. 31 00:02:02,927 --> 00:02:04,918 - l've got a phobia. - (Stephen) Go on. 32 00:02:04,967 --> 00:02:07,686 Of axe-wielding psychopaths. 33 00:02:08,727 --> 00:02:11,195 The irrational fears that people have. 34 00:02:11,247 --> 00:02:14,842 But she does live in South London, so yeah. 35 00:02:14,887 --> 00:02:17,355 There's a reason l asked you and not the others. 36 00:02:17,407 --> 00:02:20,479 - Cos you're a lady girl. - A lady girl? 37 00:02:21,607 --> 00:02:24,121 What you're saying is she's a Thai wrestler. 38 00:02:26,407 --> 00:02:28,204 - (Alan) Quite interesting thing. - Yes, go on. 39 00:02:28,247 --> 00:02:30,522 Lady mosquitoes bite you and suck your blood. 40 00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:34,037 - That's true. - Male mosquitoes, not quite so dangerous. 41 00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:36,396 - True. - Point? 42 00:02:36,447 --> 00:02:39,883 Well, you've made your point, but you're not going to get one. 43 00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:43,806 Women have been shown to be able to smell fear. 44 00:02:43,847 --> 00:02:47,681 What this Viennese man did, he was called Grammer, 45 00:02:47,727 --> 00:02:50,002 he made a lot of women watch films, some of which were horror films, 46 00:02:50,047 --> 00:02:52,925 and all of the women had pads under their arms. 47 00:02:52,967 --> 00:02:56,801 Then other women smelt all the pads, 48 00:02:56,847 --> 00:02:58,565 and they could identify, without fail, 49 00:02:58,607 --> 00:03:01,360 the pads of women who had been frightened. 50 00:03:01,407 --> 00:03:04,524 Are you sure this isn't just some soft porn film? 51 00:03:04,567 --> 00:03:06,558 l know you would think that. 52 00:03:06,607 --> 00:03:08,837 l think fear smells like crab salad. 53 00:03:09,887 --> 00:03:12,276 l went to this deli the other day 54 00:03:12,327 --> 00:03:14,363 and l said, "Can l have a crab salad sandwich?" 55 00:03:14,407 --> 00:03:18,719 And the woman said, "We're all out of crab salad, l'm afraid." 56 00:03:21,407 --> 00:03:24,638 (Applause) 57 00:03:26,847 --> 00:03:29,236 lt seems that animals can smell each other's fear, 58 00:03:29,287 --> 00:03:31,755 but not the fear of another species. 59 00:03:31,807 --> 00:03:34,879 The idea that a horse can smell when a man or a woman is afraid 60 00:03:34,927 --> 00:03:36,724 is apparently not true. 61 00:03:36,767 --> 00:03:38,803 l had to handle a rabbit recently. 62 00:03:38,847 --> 00:03:42,999 And as, the longer l held it, the smellier it got. 63 00:03:43,047 --> 00:03:45,322 You might have been holding it a little bit too tight. 64 00:03:47,207 --> 00:03:49,721 So, now, our next question. 65 00:03:49,767 --> 00:03:53,396 What did Cat's Eyes Cunningham have for supper? 66 00:03:53,447 --> 00:03:56,484 lt's a shot in the dark this, was it chicken fajitas? 67 00:03:57,447 --> 00:03:59,165 So close. 68 00:03:59,207 --> 00:04:01,004 ls he the bloke who invented Cat's Eyes? 69 00:04:01,047 --> 00:04:03,641 - No. - Some sort of road kill? 70 00:04:03,687 --> 00:04:05,678 No. That's a good thought. 71 00:04:05,727 --> 00:04:08,639 No, that was Percy Shaw, if you remember, who invented the Cat's Eye. 72 00:04:08,687 --> 00:04:10,518 ls he a blues singer? 73 00:04:10,567 --> 00:04:12,159 No, it sounds like a blues singer. 74 00:04:12,207 --> 00:04:15,358 But look at that clean-cut... those features, the honest look. 75 00:04:15,407 --> 00:04:17,398 He was a bomber commander in the war. 76 00:04:17,447 --> 00:04:19,642 Not bomber command but fighter. 77 00:04:19,687 --> 00:04:21,678 Ah, so he could see at night. 78 00:04:21,727 --> 00:04:24,161 Yes, hence Cat's Eyes. So what did he eat? 79 00:04:24,207 --> 00:04:26,198 - (Alan) Carrots. - (Alarm) 80 00:04:26,247 --> 00:04:28,158 Oh dear. 81 00:04:28,207 --> 00:04:31,836 Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. 82 00:04:31,887 --> 00:04:34,447 No. Cunningham did in fact shoot down 83 00:04:34,487 --> 00:04:38,844 the very first plane by night in 1940. 84 00:04:38,887 --> 00:04:41,037 Now the reason was, not that he ate carrots, 85 00:04:41,087 --> 00:04:43,078 but that he had airborne radar. 86 00:04:43,127 --> 00:04:47,803 A - we wanted the Germans to think we didn't have such a clever weapon, 87 00:04:47,847 --> 00:04:49,599 and secondly we wanted children to eat carrots, 88 00:04:49,647 --> 00:04:53,083 so we told children that it was very good for your night vision. 89 00:04:53,127 --> 00:04:55,561 lf you only eat carrots, you go yellow. 90 00:04:55,607 --> 00:04:58,599 And l know that, because it happened in an episode of District Nurse. 91 00:05:00,407 --> 00:05:02,796 The District Nerys. Oh, God bless Nerys Hughes. 92 00:05:02,847 --> 00:05:04,644 Went round to this family and they were all yellow. 93 00:05:04,687 --> 00:05:05,676 Fantastic. 94 00:05:05,727 --> 00:05:07,524 She said, "What did you have for breakfast?" 95 00:05:07,567 --> 00:05:09,046 Carrots. 96 00:05:09,087 --> 00:05:11,999 You can guess the rest. 97 00:05:13,687 --> 00:05:16,247 Do you know there's a carrot museum in Belgium? 98 00:05:16,287 --> 00:05:17,879 (Rich) l'm not surprised. 99 00:05:17,927 --> 00:05:21,283 ln East Belgium. Yes, it's in Berlotte, l think, is the name of the little town. 100 00:05:21,327 --> 00:05:24,000 And it's so small you can't actually get into it. 101 00:05:24,047 --> 00:05:25,958 You have to look through a little window 102 00:05:26,007 --> 00:05:30,046 and you turn a handle and different carrots parade. 103 00:05:32,447 --> 00:05:36,725 This programme would be dangerously exciting to a Belgian, wouldn't it? 104 00:05:36,767 --> 00:05:41,761 A quite interesting point is that children of about two go off vegetables. 105 00:05:41,807 --> 00:05:43,126 - Do you know why? - No, tell me. 106 00:05:43,167 --> 00:05:47,240 Because their taste buds develop 107 00:05:47,287 --> 00:05:49,323 and everything tastes very bitter. 108 00:05:49,367 --> 00:05:52,757 And so most vegetables, but not particularly carrots, 109 00:05:52,807 --> 00:05:55,162 but things like broccoli, all those green vegetables, 110 00:05:55,207 --> 00:05:59,280 they taste slightly bitter, and that's to stop them getting poisoned, 111 00:05:59,327 --> 00:06:01,124 eating weird berries and stuff. 112 00:06:01,167 --> 00:06:03,362 - There you are. - Not funny, never said it was funny. 113 00:06:03,407 --> 00:06:06,160 No, it's interesting. And for that you are awarded... 114 00:06:06,207 --> 00:06:10,200 - We get points just for being interesting? - You do, for being quite interesting. 115 00:06:12,647 --> 00:06:15,525 Yes, you see, not as easy as it seems. 116 00:06:15,567 --> 00:06:19,037 You know the, the guy who invented 117 00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:21,078 the Phillip's head screw? 118 00:06:21,127 --> 00:06:25,040 His hair parted in four different sections. 119 00:06:26,207 --> 00:06:27,686 Excellent. 120 00:06:30,167 --> 00:06:33,079 Now, tell me if you can, team, 121 00:06:33,127 --> 00:06:36,517 what makes a sound something like this... 122 00:06:36,567 --> 00:06:40,765 (Sand dune boom) 123 00:06:44,367 --> 00:06:46,801 ls it a bee under a sink? 124 00:06:49,207 --> 00:06:51,038 Very good. 125 00:06:53,327 --> 00:06:58,196 l tell you what, you can hear the same thing giving off a different sound. 126 00:06:58,247 --> 00:07:01,717 (Sand dune croak) 127 00:07:01,767 --> 00:07:04,918 lt's for mothers and younger sons only. 128 00:07:06,127 --> 00:07:08,277 But see if you can... 129 00:07:09,447 --> 00:07:13,440 lt's something Marco Polo heard and was astonished by. 130 00:07:13,487 --> 00:07:15,603 - l'll play the first one again. - (Jo) Kajagoogoo? 131 00:07:17,287 --> 00:07:18,925 Here's the first one. 132 00:07:18,967 --> 00:07:21,003 (Sand dune boom) 133 00:07:21,047 --> 00:07:24,164 lt's Marco Polo. 134 00:07:24,207 --> 00:07:27,836 l know what it is, it's a sand dune, it's a desert. 135 00:07:27,887 --> 00:07:31,163 Yes! The sand dunes is absolutely right. Congratulations. 136 00:07:31,207 --> 00:07:33,323 - Very good. - (Applause) 137 00:07:33,367 --> 00:07:34,846 Well done. 138 00:07:37,167 --> 00:07:39,806 Yes, they sounded like the spirits of the desert, 139 00:07:39,847 --> 00:07:41,599 dead people, according to Marco Polo. 140 00:07:41,647 --> 00:07:43,319 Like drums, fog horns, trumpets, 141 00:07:43,367 --> 00:07:45,642 even a twin-engined jet plane to others. 142 00:07:46,607 --> 00:07:49,485 Well how do they make that grasshoppery noise afterwards? 143 00:07:49,527 --> 00:07:51,563 Well, once a dune gets dry, 144 00:07:51,607 --> 00:07:54,121 at about 35 degrees, 145 00:07:54,167 --> 00:07:56,123 - it has to be, quite precisely, there's this... - 36. 146 00:07:56,167 --> 00:07:59,079 36 degrees. Don't start. 147 00:07:59,127 --> 00:08:01,482 You gave a little grin that just gave you away, 148 00:08:01,527 --> 00:08:03,597 but it was very impressive. 149 00:08:03,647 --> 00:08:05,797 Yeah, yeah, but it's like 35, 36 sometimes. 150 00:08:05,847 --> 00:08:07,405 Yeah, 35 or 36 degrees, 151 00:08:07,447 --> 00:08:09,802 and the dry sand starts to fall 152 00:08:09,847 --> 00:08:11,644 when the wind comes from the right direction 153 00:08:11,687 --> 00:08:14,485 and the sand underneath begins to oscillate quite violently, 154 00:08:14,527 --> 00:08:16,324 and it gives off this low frequency sound. 155 00:08:16,367 --> 00:08:18,517 lt can be heard up to six miles away. 156 00:08:18,567 --> 00:08:21,559 Why is there so much sand there? 157 00:08:23,287 --> 00:08:26,916 - Because it's a desert! - But normally sand is by the shore, isn't it? 158 00:08:26,967 --> 00:08:29,765 l can get that, that it's worn away, 159 00:08:29,807 --> 00:08:32,958 worn away and worn away, to tiny particles. 160 00:08:33,007 --> 00:08:35,521 But in the desert it's just lying around. 161 00:08:36,687 --> 00:08:40,521 And how much would they charge for their sand, if you wanted some? 162 00:08:40,567 --> 00:08:43,081 l don't think they'd charge, They'd say, "Yeah, have it. 163 00:08:43,127 --> 00:08:46,483 "And if you can get it home, you can take it, yeah." 164 00:08:48,607 --> 00:08:50,916 How many grains of sand in the Sahara, do you reckon? 165 00:08:50,967 --> 00:08:54,676 - (Sean) Do you reckon? - l lost count, it's quite a few. 166 00:08:54,727 --> 00:08:57,924 l got up to 17 and it's definitely more than that. 167 00:08:58,847 --> 00:09:01,725 Apparently there are more molecules in a glass of water 168 00:09:01,767 --> 00:09:05,316 than there are grains of sand in the entire world. 169 00:09:05,367 --> 00:09:08,165 The Gobi toad lives under the desert 170 00:09:08,207 --> 00:09:10,880 and every seven years it waits for some rainfall 171 00:09:10,927 --> 00:09:13,600 and they all come up to the surface, they mate, 172 00:09:13,647 --> 00:09:16,207 and then they go back down again for seven years. 173 00:09:16,247 --> 00:09:17,919 Wow. 174 00:09:19,487 --> 00:09:21,478 l like the way you did that. "Wow!" 175 00:09:21,527 --> 00:09:23,119 Sorry, that is very interesting. 176 00:09:23,167 --> 00:09:26,318 You can certainly have five points for that. l didn't know anything about Gobi toads. 177 00:09:26,367 --> 00:09:29,598 l said something Stephen didn't know. 178 00:09:29,647 --> 00:09:34,562 There are more things l don't know than there are molecules in a glass of water. 179 00:09:34,607 --> 00:09:37,519 What do you get if you cross a camel with a leopard? 180 00:09:37,567 --> 00:09:40,035 A fireside rug you can have a good hump on? 181 00:09:40,087 --> 00:09:43,159 - Sorry. - (Applause) 182 00:09:48,447 --> 00:09:51,200 You get sacked from the zoo. 183 00:09:53,247 --> 00:09:55,807 - You might, you might. - l know something about leopards, 184 00:09:55,847 --> 00:09:58,441 which is they don't mind rotten meat. 185 00:09:58,487 --> 00:10:00,842 They catch something, they'll drag it up a tree 186 00:10:00,887 --> 00:10:02,320 and they'll leave it there for days. 187 00:10:02,367 --> 00:10:03,516 Yes they do, don't they. 188 00:10:03,567 --> 00:10:05,558 They don't mind eating it if it's all covered in maggots, 189 00:10:05,607 --> 00:10:07,677 whereas cheetahs, only fresh. 190 00:10:07,727 --> 00:10:09,718 So a cheetah will catch something 191 00:10:09,767 --> 00:10:12,884 and the leopard will go over and nick it off it 192 00:10:12,927 --> 00:10:15,760 and then drag it up a tree and not even bother with it. 193 00:10:15,807 --> 00:10:18,685 But eating rotten meat is terrible, it gives you spots. 194 00:10:18,727 --> 00:10:21,400 - (Audience groans) - Oi! Now. 195 00:10:21,447 --> 00:10:22,846 Now then. 196 00:10:22,887 --> 00:10:26,163 - Why can't they mate? - Well, they're different species. 197 00:10:26,207 --> 00:10:29,517 That is almost a definition of what a species is. 198 00:10:29,567 --> 00:10:33,480 We can't mate with gorilla, even though we're very closely related, but these two... 199 00:10:33,527 --> 00:10:35,438 You mean even if they had intercourse... 200 00:10:35,487 --> 00:10:38,399 l mean you could literally stick your thingie up the whatnot and... 201 00:10:38,447 --> 00:10:42,076 The tiny leopard sperm could not penetrate the camel egg? 202 00:10:42,127 --> 00:10:44,243 lt could certainly, but it couldn't fertilise it. 203 00:10:44,287 --> 00:10:47,677 There is an animal that used to be called a camelopard. 204 00:10:47,727 --> 00:10:49,240 And it was believed by the ancients, 205 00:10:49,287 --> 00:10:52,165 by a man that you love personally with a great passion, 206 00:10:52,207 --> 00:10:54,516 called Pliny the Elder. 207 00:10:54,567 --> 00:10:57,320 Yes, Pliny the Elder was one of the first to write about this animal. 208 00:10:57,367 --> 00:10:59,676 The Romans knew of this animal, 209 00:10:59,727 --> 00:11:02,241 and they believed that many of the stranger species 210 00:11:02,287 --> 00:11:05,120 might be the result of two other species mating. 211 00:11:05,167 --> 00:11:07,886 There were such things as griffins and centaurs, 212 00:11:07,927 --> 00:11:11,920 so it was assumed that this animal was the offspring of a camel and a leopard. 213 00:11:11,967 --> 00:11:14,356 Now, look at the camel and then look at the spottiness of the leopard. 214 00:11:14,407 --> 00:11:17,683 What would be spotty with eyelashes and funny lips? 215 00:11:17,727 --> 00:11:18,716 Esther Rantzen. 216 00:11:20,527 --> 00:11:21,516 Very good. 217 00:11:21,567 --> 00:11:23,797 Come on, anyone in the audience have a thought? 218 00:11:23,847 --> 00:11:27,886 - (Audience) Giraffe. - Giraffe. You see. 219 00:11:27,927 --> 00:11:30,395 ls that a giraffe display team? 220 00:11:37,927 --> 00:11:42,079 - lt's like they've turned up for a fete. - (Alan) They're marching. 221 00:11:42,127 --> 00:11:44,766 The weird thing is, you do see giraffes eating off the ground. 222 00:11:44,807 --> 00:11:47,241 Well they bend down for a drink, but it's terribly hard for them. 223 00:11:47,287 --> 00:11:49,562 lt is. Well, they have enormous hearts, you know, 224 00:11:49,607 --> 00:11:52,565 they have twice the blood pressure we do, to get the blood going up. 225 00:11:52,607 --> 00:11:56,043 16 gallons of blood a minute is pumped through them, 226 00:11:56,087 --> 00:12:00,444 at 170 beats a minute on these huge hearts with thick, thick walls. 227 00:12:00,487 --> 00:12:02,762 - And they don't appreciate it, do they? - No. 228 00:12:02,807 --> 00:12:04,286 So there you are. 229 00:12:04,327 --> 00:12:07,364 Centaurs we were talking about, they are horses and men, of course. 230 00:12:07,407 --> 00:12:12,162 So neatly we're going to link from centaurs to centenarians. 231 00:12:12,207 --> 00:12:15,438 What do you automatically get when you're a hundred years old? 232 00:12:15,487 --> 00:12:17,921 (Alan) An e-mail from the Queen. 233 00:12:19,887 --> 00:12:23,243 Not quite. What is it that you get? You're in the right area. 234 00:12:23,287 --> 00:12:25,801 Well you don't though any more, do you, get a telegram. 235 00:12:25,847 --> 00:12:28,361 - You don't get the telegram, no. - (Jo) A phone call. 236 00:12:28,407 --> 00:12:31,683 lt's a rather dull equivalent of a telegram that replaced it in 1982. 237 00:12:31,727 --> 00:12:36,039 - (Alan) Something sort of more electrical. - lt's called the telemessage. 238 00:12:36,087 --> 00:12:39,557 - How does that differ from a telegram then? - Well, it's sent in the post. 239 00:12:39,607 --> 00:12:43,680 lt's rather pointless, like a letter, really, printed out. But, you have to apply for it. 240 00:12:43,727 --> 00:12:48,517 You write to the Anniversary Secretary, Buckingham Palace, the Mall, 241 00:12:48,567 --> 00:12:53,960 London SW1A 1AA. 242 00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:58,444 ls it true that you gave Prince Charles, for his wedding present, 243 00:12:58,487 --> 00:13:02,162 some coffee made out of weasel shit? 244 00:13:03,487 --> 00:13:05,478 Not exactly. 245 00:13:05,527 --> 00:13:09,884 lt was Cambodian weasel vomit coffee. 246 00:13:10,727 --> 00:13:13,002 lt's a coffee that these weasels eat and... 247 00:13:13,047 --> 00:13:17,199 They eat the beans and from what they excrete... 248 00:13:17,247 --> 00:13:18,646 - No, vomit. - Or vomit. 249 00:13:18,687 --> 00:13:22,475 They vomit and the acid in the stomach softens it. lt's apparently very flavoursome. 250 00:13:22,527 --> 00:13:25,599 l just felt it was something he wouldn't have. 251 00:13:27,327 --> 00:13:29,921 lt seemed a good idea. 252 00:13:29,967 --> 00:13:34,040 He put it in a cupboard at home and there's loads of them. 253 00:13:34,087 --> 00:13:36,442 l wouldn't be surprised, to be honest. 254 00:13:36,487 --> 00:13:39,320 "Fry thinking he's so bloody original." 255 00:13:42,327 --> 00:13:44,124 We're on the subject of the 100's. 256 00:13:44,167 --> 00:13:47,443 What do you call a Roman who is in charge of a hundred men? 257 00:13:47,487 --> 00:13:50,240 - Centurion. - (Alarm) 258 00:13:50,287 --> 00:13:52,642 l'm sorry, l just felt l had to say that. 259 00:13:52,687 --> 00:13:54,803 - You did and you were right. - l knew l was wrong. 260 00:13:54,847 --> 00:13:57,315 There is no word for a Roman in charge of 100 men. 261 00:13:57,367 --> 00:14:00,803 Strictly speaking, a centurion was in charge of 83 men, didn't you know? 262 00:14:00,847 --> 00:14:04,078 ln practice that usually meant between 60 and 80. 263 00:14:04,127 --> 00:14:06,880 There they are. lt's a very complicated reason, there's all kinds... 264 00:14:06,927 --> 00:14:09,521 Are those real Romans? 265 00:14:11,047 --> 00:14:13,083 That's fantastic. 266 00:14:14,327 --> 00:14:16,887 We did a Blackadder Roman thing for the millennium 267 00:14:16,927 --> 00:14:19,236 and we used these sort of people. 268 00:14:19,287 --> 00:14:23,838 The Assistant Director was saying to them, "Ken, isn't it?" 269 00:14:23,887 --> 00:14:27,721 He said, "No, it's Marcellus Drusus, please, when l'm in uniform." 270 00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:30,918 Really, and you had to call him Marcellus Drusus. 271 00:14:30,967 --> 00:14:33,162 And l got him terribly cross 272 00:14:33,207 --> 00:14:37,325 by numbering them off i, ii, iii, iv, v, vi. 273 00:14:38,487 --> 00:14:42,196 Anyway. Staying with the C's of ancient Rome, 274 00:14:42,247 --> 00:14:45,444 there were seven Roman Emperors who bore the name Caesar, 275 00:14:45,487 --> 00:14:49,241 not counting Julius, who started the whole thing, but wasn't an Emperor. 276 00:14:49,287 --> 00:14:52,324 We all know what he did - he came, he saw, he conquered. 277 00:14:52,367 --> 00:14:54,881 But what did Nero do? 278 00:14:56,287 --> 00:14:59,563 - Fiddled while Rome burned. - (Alarm) 279 00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:01,404 - Oh did you say that? - l did. 280 00:15:01,447 --> 00:15:04,723 Oh Jo, he didn't fiddle while Rome burned, no. 281 00:15:04,767 --> 00:15:07,645 He had a concrete swimming hat. 282 00:15:09,207 --> 00:15:10,481 He did rather. 283 00:15:10,527 --> 00:15:12,802 He was very productive, wasn't he, Nero? 284 00:15:12,847 --> 00:15:15,236 He built most of Rome, the Rome you see. 285 00:15:15,287 --> 00:15:17,926 Well he rebuilt it after it was burned down, indeed. 286 00:15:17,967 --> 00:15:21,243 Did he have an enormous gold statue of himself built? 287 00:15:21,287 --> 00:15:23,847 lncredibly vain and stupid, and people didn't like him? 288 00:15:23,887 --> 00:15:26,481 His dying words were, "What an artist dies in me." 289 00:15:26,527 --> 00:15:30,520 - And he played the... - Was there someone in him at the time? 290 00:15:35,687 --> 00:15:43,082 "A small faux viste painter has just perished inside my being." 291 00:15:43,727 --> 00:15:47,117 Anyway, no, of course the fiddle didn't exist in Roman days. 292 00:15:47,167 --> 00:15:50,159 The fiddle was invented, in the 15th Century, something like that. 293 00:15:50,207 --> 00:15:53,643 So he would have played the kithara or something, a sort of lyre like thing. 294 00:15:53,687 --> 00:15:56,724 Was he doing it like a sort of fire engine alarm, like... 295 00:15:56,767 --> 00:15:59,201 (Mimics siren) 296 00:15:59,247 --> 00:16:02,239 Well there's some evidence he did try and put the fire out, actually. 297 00:16:02,287 --> 00:16:05,723 He blamed a small sect of people for the fire, which was a very useful scapegoat. 298 00:16:05,767 --> 00:16:08,486 - The gays. - No. 299 00:16:08,527 --> 00:16:10,518 Even smaller, slightly less well-dressed 300 00:16:10,567 --> 00:16:12,762 and oddly enough, to this day, enemies of the gays. 301 00:16:12,807 --> 00:16:15,082 - lt wasn't the chavvies? - No. 302 00:16:15,127 --> 00:16:17,766 - Even worse than the... - (Sean) Coptic's. 303 00:16:17,807 --> 00:16:20,275 Those damned Christians. 304 00:16:20,327 --> 00:16:25,845 Nero, played by Christopher Biggins, of course, in TV's popular l Clavdivs. 305 00:16:25,887 --> 00:16:27,764 But... 306 00:16:28,767 --> 00:16:30,564 - (Sean) l Chavdivs. - Yeah. 307 00:16:30,607 --> 00:16:34,077 Some people think he may have even been playing bagpipes when he was watching... 308 00:16:34,127 --> 00:16:37,915 Christopher Biggins? No, he is actually that size. 309 00:16:40,127 --> 00:16:41,924 - Bagpipes, l'm sorry. - Yes. 310 00:16:41,967 --> 00:16:43,719 No, l can't be having it. 311 00:16:43,767 --> 00:16:47,316 They have this tuning, "eeeh", and it's odd, the Scots do that when they talk. 312 00:16:47,367 --> 00:16:49,927 (Scottish accent) "Eeeh, l'm not sure." 313 00:16:52,407 --> 00:16:56,798 lt's very odd that. So anyway, there we are, there's old Nero. 314 00:16:56,847 --> 00:16:58,917 Whatever he was, he was eventually boo'd off 315 00:16:58,967 --> 00:17:01,435 and succeeded by a more popular entertainer, 316 00:17:01,487 --> 00:17:03,762 who was called Galbas. 317 00:17:03,807 --> 00:17:06,446 Servius Galbas Caesar Augustus, to be precise. 318 00:17:06,487 --> 00:17:09,763 And he got rid of bagpipe performances 319 00:17:09,807 --> 00:17:13,766 and he replaced them with tightrope walking elephants. 320 00:17:13,807 --> 00:17:15,604 Which brings us to our next question. 321 00:17:15,647 --> 00:17:17,877 Lots of ancient armies had elephants. 322 00:17:17,927 --> 00:17:20,805 They were the tanks of the ancient world in many respects, 323 00:17:20,847 --> 00:17:25,318 but they weighed twelve tons and they can run at twenty miles per hour. 324 00:17:25,367 --> 00:17:27,961 So how did people catch them in the first place? 325 00:17:28,007 --> 00:17:32,922 The truth is that many of these elephants volunteered. 326 00:17:34,767 --> 00:17:38,965 They came from small towns, there was no future, 327 00:17:39,007 --> 00:17:43,842 no circus coming through town, so they'd go off and join. 328 00:17:45,807 --> 00:17:49,482 Wouldn't you catch a baby one? With a limp? 329 00:17:50,727 --> 00:17:53,799 - l think they tripped them up. - (Stephen) Nearly. lt's close to that. 330 00:17:53,847 --> 00:17:57,806 They'd have Ethiopian elephant catchers and they used to run up behind the elephant 331 00:17:57,847 --> 00:18:01,965 and then they'd jump up onto its back leg, and hanging onto its tail, 332 00:18:02,007 --> 00:18:04,680 they would hack away at the other leg with an axe. 333 00:18:04,727 --> 00:18:07,446 Then the elephant's usual response was to sit on the Ethiopian, 334 00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:09,762 so it was a dangerous thing to do. 335 00:18:09,807 --> 00:18:12,037 But the Ethiopian, one feels, deserved it. 336 00:18:12,087 --> 00:18:16,603 They would use that as a breeding animal, rather than a war animal. 337 00:18:16,647 --> 00:18:18,922 Do you know what was supposed to frighten elephants? 338 00:18:18,967 --> 00:18:23,085 What they would do is cover pigs in oil - this is not funny - set fire to them, 339 00:18:23,127 --> 00:18:26,437 and the pigs would then run after the elephants on fire, 340 00:18:26,487 --> 00:18:29,843 and the elephants would be so freaked out by this spectacle of pigs on fire 341 00:18:29,887 --> 00:18:31,286 that they would run away. 342 00:18:31,327 --> 00:18:33,887 l wonder how they found that out. 343 00:18:33,927 --> 00:18:37,283 l think they found it out because when a pig squealed, 344 00:18:37,327 --> 00:18:38,919 an elephant would rear up and run away, 345 00:18:38,967 --> 00:18:41,083 and so they thought, "How do we get pigs to squeal?" 346 00:18:41,127 --> 00:18:42,719 - We'll set fire to them. - Set alight to them! 347 00:18:42,767 --> 00:18:45,998 - l know, it's horrible. - ls that how they first discovered crackling? 348 00:18:48,247 --> 00:18:50,715 (Applause) 349 00:18:50,767 --> 00:18:53,076 l think you may be right. 350 00:18:53,127 --> 00:18:55,402 We all know that elephants have proverbially lengthy memories, 351 00:18:55,447 --> 00:18:57,961 although quite interestingly, according to the Greeks, 352 00:18:58,007 --> 00:19:00,601 it used to be camels that never forgot. 353 00:19:00,647 --> 00:19:04,435 What kind of creature has a terrible memory? Short memory? 354 00:19:04,487 --> 00:19:06,842 My dad can't remember anything. 355 00:19:08,247 --> 00:19:10,841 l went round to see him the other day and he looked at me like that... 356 00:19:12,247 --> 00:19:15,762 - l went, "Hi Dad?" - He went, "Oh, right." 357 00:19:16,927 --> 00:19:19,236 My neighbour's dog doesn't remember when l kick it, 358 00:19:19,287 --> 00:19:22,518 because l've done it loads of times and it still comes up to me. 359 00:19:23,527 --> 00:19:25,518 l kick it really hard in the face and... 360 00:19:25,567 --> 00:19:27,478 (Alan) A gold fish. 361 00:19:27,527 --> 00:19:30,678 - (Alarm) - Oh, not goldfish. 362 00:19:31,687 --> 00:19:34,155 - No, there is... - Three second memory. 363 00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:36,960 There is this fallacy that goldfish have a three second memory. 364 00:19:37,007 --> 00:19:39,077 - lt's not a fallacy. - lt is a fallacy. 365 00:19:39,127 --> 00:19:42,278 They've done tests. They have. 366 00:19:42,327 --> 00:19:44,636 A man from Plymouth University did wonderful tests. 367 00:19:44,687 --> 00:19:48,760 He said to the goldfish, "What happened on Eastenders last night?" 368 00:19:48,807 --> 00:19:50,923 - And he remembered most of it. - Two things, 369 00:19:50,967 --> 00:19:54,323 one, there isn't a Plymouth University, that's made-up. 370 00:19:54,367 --> 00:19:56,358 And two, they can't remember anything. 371 00:19:56,407 --> 00:19:59,365 it's a sweet shop with a copy of the Times in it, isn't it? 372 00:20:00,527 --> 00:20:03,485 Dr Phil Gee of the University of Plymouth's 373 00:20:03,527 --> 00:20:05,961 - psychological Department... - ls he a rapper? 374 00:20:06,007 --> 00:20:08,567 He does sound like that, Dr Phil Gee. 375 00:20:08,607 --> 00:20:11,326 He trained them to press levers. They could even tell the time, 376 00:20:11,367 --> 00:20:14,916 because he would have the lever work just for an hour in the day 377 00:20:14,967 --> 00:20:17,276 and they would come and press it at the right time to deliver food. 378 00:20:17,327 --> 00:20:19,443 They knew exactly where it was and they would come back to it. 379 00:20:19,487 --> 00:20:22,126 How come they can't tell that the deep sea diver 380 00:20:22,167 --> 00:20:25,523 is three times as big as the castle? 381 00:20:27,247 --> 00:20:28,999 Not so damn smart. 382 00:20:29,047 --> 00:20:32,596 lt seems they have pretty good memories, and what's more, they're not gold. 383 00:20:32,647 --> 00:20:35,719 Put them back in the wild, they go to brown and other different colours. 384 00:20:35,767 --> 00:20:37,803 That's not true, because l've got two in a pond, 385 00:20:37,847 --> 00:20:41,396 they've been there five years, they're still orange, so... 386 00:20:41,447 --> 00:20:44,598 No, l meant in the wildy, wildy, wildy, but if you, they're in captivity... 387 00:20:44,647 --> 00:20:47,366 Where's the wildy, wildy wildy? 388 00:20:47,407 --> 00:20:49,523 - l'd like to go there. - lt's a technical term. 389 00:20:49,567 --> 00:20:51,478 (Sean) The Norfolk. 390 00:20:52,487 --> 00:20:56,116 So what can't remember anything then? l bet a koala can't remember much. 391 00:20:56,167 --> 00:20:59,000 Wakes up, "Aah, no". 392 00:20:59,047 --> 00:21:03,165 l bet a pig on fire can't remember much either. 393 00:21:03,207 --> 00:21:05,004 l had a strange experience. 394 00:21:05,047 --> 00:21:07,322 l was in Australia recently and l went to a day out to the zoo 395 00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:10,962 and they give you a koala to hold and you have a photograph taken of it. 396 00:21:11,007 --> 00:21:12,804 And koalas are very lazy animals, 397 00:21:12,847 --> 00:21:15,156 they don't exactly work-out, do you know what l mean? 398 00:21:15,207 --> 00:21:17,277 They haven't got firm buttocks or anything. 399 00:21:17,327 --> 00:21:21,115 And l had one in my hand and it kind of just slipped 400 00:21:21,167 --> 00:21:25,080 and before l knew it, l actually had a sort of koala's buttocks, 401 00:21:25,127 --> 00:21:28,244 it was actually slipped onto my finger. 402 00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:31,245 And it was horrible, and just sort of slid on. 403 00:21:31,287 --> 00:21:33,926 On the photograph, because they take a photograph of you, 404 00:21:33,967 --> 00:21:37,437 you're supposed to hold a koala, and the koala just goes this, he goes... 405 00:21:41,207 --> 00:21:45,883 The worst thing was, they wanted it back. And l said, "Can l hold it for a bit longer?" 406 00:21:45,927 --> 00:21:49,203 And l was trying to get the finger out. And l said, "Can l take it away?" 407 00:21:49,247 --> 00:21:53,035 The list of charges is beginning to add up, isn't it? 408 00:21:53,087 --> 00:21:56,716 Have you heard the joke that's going around the internet 409 00:21:56,767 --> 00:21:59,998 about the doctor and all the student doctors? 410 00:22:00,047 --> 00:22:03,323 And he's got a corpse there, he's got a cadaver, and he says, 411 00:22:03,367 --> 00:22:09,237 "lt's very important that you are completely at ease with the corpse" 412 00:22:09,287 --> 00:22:13,166 and he puts his finger up the arse of the corpse, and takes it out. 413 00:22:14,647 --> 00:22:17,036 - Ugh! - He says, you now. 414 00:22:17,087 --> 00:22:19,840 And one after another they all do that. 415 00:22:19,887 --> 00:22:22,447 They all do it and they all finish doing it, the last one. 416 00:22:22,487 --> 00:22:25,763 Then he says, "lt's very important also that you observe carefully what l do. 417 00:22:25,807 --> 00:22:28,879 "l inserted my index finger and sucked my middle finger." 418 00:22:28,927 --> 00:22:33,205 (Applause) 419 00:22:35,007 --> 00:22:37,805 "So try and pay attention in future." 420 00:22:40,087 --> 00:22:42,237 "C'est non everro a bentro vato." 421 00:22:43,327 --> 00:22:45,124 Thank you. 422 00:22:47,687 --> 00:22:50,076 All of which brings us back once more to the hellish netherworld 423 00:22:50,127 --> 00:22:52,516 that we call General lgnorance. 424 00:22:52,567 --> 00:22:57,004 Jo, have you ever been in bed with a myoclonic jerk? 425 00:23:02,527 --> 00:23:04,119 l've had him. 426 00:23:07,327 --> 00:23:10,444 Myopic, that's when you can't see anything, isn't it? 427 00:23:10,487 --> 00:23:12,796 ls it myo, something to do with eyes? 428 00:23:12,847 --> 00:23:16,157 - Myo is muscles, isn't it? - Yes, Myo from the Greek. 429 00:23:16,207 --> 00:23:18,596 - lt's a muscular... - (Jo) Spasm. 430 00:23:18,647 --> 00:23:20,365 lt's kind of a spasm, what do you get when, 431 00:23:20,407 --> 00:23:24,116 sometimes when you're falling asleep, do you ever get this? Everyone does, l think. 432 00:23:24,167 --> 00:23:26,806 You feel that dropping feeling, as if you've just fallen. 433 00:23:26,847 --> 00:23:27,836 - Have you ever had that? - Yes. 434 00:23:27,887 --> 00:23:30,401 l think it's the term for my dad, 435 00:23:30,447 --> 00:23:34,156 who used to... This is all l ever saw of my dad in a chair. 436 00:23:34,207 --> 00:23:36,596 (Snores) 437 00:23:38,927 --> 00:23:40,599 - Everyone had it in the audience? - (Audience) Yes. 438 00:23:40,647 --> 00:23:42,558 Everyone has it, it's very odd. 439 00:23:42,607 --> 00:23:44,598 And no one really knows where it comes from. 440 00:23:44,647 --> 00:23:49,163 The theory is, one is that it's descended from when we used to sleep in trees. 441 00:23:49,207 --> 00:23:51,562 lt was a deliberate reflex so that we would grasp things. 442 00:23:51,607 --> 00:23:55,077 - And if you ever did drop, you'd... - Oh, that's what that is. 443 00:23:55,127 --> 00:23:58,358 So what's the animal that can't, that can't remember anything? 444 00:24:02,007 --> 00:24:05,522 Rich, we have a question for you, just for you. 445 00:24:05,567 --> 00:24:09,560 - ls this a stupid American question? - Continentally speaking, yes. 446 00:24:09,607 --> 00:24:13,316 Which is the largest lake in Canada? 447 00:24:15,327 --> 00:24:19,115 - Width or depth? - Not depth. 448 00:24:19,167 --> 00:24:21,476 - (Jo) Can l attempt an answer at this? - (Stephen) Yes. 449 00:24:21,527 --> 00:24:24,599 - Who Cares? - Oh dear. 450 00:24:24,647 --> 00:24:27,957 - Oh, have l got a point? - We were predicting that one. 451 00:24:28,007 --> 00:24:30,646 Yeah, who Cares? 452 00:24:30,687 --> 00:24:34,885 There are so many lakes in Canada, more than a million in Manitoba alone, 453 00:24:34,927 --> 00:24:39,045 and you can buy a lake and have it named after you. 454 00:24:39,087 --> 00:24:42,124 lt's cos the water doesn't drain away, there's no water table. 455 00:24:42,167 --> 00:24:45,557 You can. But one's really big, it's bigger than Albania. 456 00:24:45,607 --> 00:24:48,724 ls it one of the Great Lakes, technically Canadian, are they all? 457 00:24:48,767 --> 00:24:51,076 No, you've avoided our little trap there actually, 458 00:24:51,127 --> 00:24:53,118 which Jo didn't by saying who cares. 459 00:24:53,167 --> 00:24:55,556 lf you'd said one of the Great Lakes, there would have been a big noise, 460 00:24:55,607 --> 00:24:58,041 because this lake has to be entirely in Canada. 461 00:24:58,087 --> 00:25:00,601 What's the difference between largest and biggest? 462 00:25:00,647 --> 00:25:03,286 Well, in other languages, largest means widest, l suppose, 463 00:25:03,327 --> 00:25:07,115 and biggest means just greatest in size. But largest we now mean to mean biggest. 464 00:25:07,167 --> 00:25:09,886 lt originally meant wide. Large is wide in French, isn't it? 465 00:25:09,927 --> 00:25:13,237 - Right, thanks. - l mean we are very lucky 466 00:25:13,287 --> 00:25:16,916 because we have both Latin and the romance languages, 467 00:25:16,967 --> 00:25:21,199 and the Anglo Saxon languages to draw on, so we can say big and large. 468 00:25:21,247 --> 00:25:24,284 - So little and small. - (Alan) Little and Large. 469 00:25:24,327 --> 00:25:27,922 Little and Large, indeed. Funnily enough, when you said the deepest lake, 470 00:25:27,967 --> 00:25:31,642 the deepest lake is Lake Manitou. And Lake Manitou is a weird lake, 471 00:25:31,687 --> 00:25:36,966 cos it's also got the largest lake island in the world in it. 472 00:25:37,007 --> 00:25:39,567 and that island has got a lake in it, 473 00:25:39,607 --> 00:25:41,757 which is the largest lake in an island 474 00:25:41,807 --> 00:25:44,082 that's in a lake in the world. 475 00:25:44,127 --> 00:25:46,436 - This just goes on to infinity. - lt does, doesn't it. 476 00:25:46,487 --> 00:25:48,637 No, the answer is the Great Bear Lake. 477 00:25:48,687 --> 00:25:52,123 None of the five Great Lakes is entirely in Canada you see. 478 00:25:52,167 --> 00:25:56,558 So finally, this is for everyone except Rich, 479 00:25:56,607 --> 00:25:58,006 we think you'll know this. 480 00:25:58,047 --> 00:26:01,801 - What are Bott's Dots? - Are they Bott's Dots? 481 00:26:01,847 --> 00:26:07,160 No, they're not, those are just dots to give you an idea of what a dot is, l suppose. 482 00:26:07,207 --> 00:26:10,836 lt brings us round full circle to almost our very first question. 483 00:26:10,887 --> 00:26:16,200 lt's not the slight sort of spattering you get if you insert your finger into a koala, is it? 484 00:26:19,007 --> 00:26:23,205 - Sorry. - Cat's Eyes Cunningham and the carrots. 485 00:26:23,247 --> 00:26:28,037 Good, stick with that, Cat's Eyes Cunningham and the carrots, with three C's. 486 00:26:28,087 --> 00:26:30,078 Are they American cat's eyes then? 487 00:26:30,127 --> 00:26:33,085 Yes, give the lady a cigar. Fantastic. 488 00:26:33,127 --> 00:26:35,687 (Applause) 489 00:26:35,727 --> 00:26:39,640 They are the Californian version of our cat's eyes. 490 00:26:39,687 --> 00:26:41,996 The American ones break every time you drive over them. 491 00:26:42,047 --> 00:26:45,562 - Yes, why is that? - Cos they're shit. 492 00:26:47,287 --> 00:26:49,403 What is it that's shit about them? 493 00:26:49,447 --> 00:26:52,678 They're made out of glass. 494 00:26:52,727 --> 00:26:57,403 No, ours are where it goes back into the ground, it's on a sort of springy thing. 495 00:26:57,447 --> 00:27:00,120 And not only that, very cunningly, so that it doesn't break, 496 00:27:00,167 --> 00:27:02,840 but the water will obviously gather there when it rains, 497 00:27:02,887 --> 00:27:06,596 and so it washes its little eyes. Every time you run over it, you're washing its face. 498 00:27:06,647 --> 00:27:08,638 Aah, isn't that nice. 499 00:27:08,687 --> 00:27:10,643 l actually didn't know that, l thought... 500 00:27:10,687 --> 00:27:12,917 You didn't know what a Bott's Dot was? 501 00:27:12,967 --> 00:27:16,596 l thought they were those things on John-Boy, from the Walton's, face. 502 00:27:19,487 --> 00:27:22,684 l thought that's why you were withholding the answer from me. 503 00:27:22,727 --> 00:27:25,764 No, it was a man called Dr Elbert Bott. 504 00:27:25,807 --> 00:27:28,196 - Elbert. - Elbert Bott. 505 00:27:28,247 --> 00:27:30,363 And he didn't make a fortune, unlike Percy Shaw, 506 00:27:30,407 --> 00:27:33,922 because he worked for the Californian State Highways Authority. 507 00:27:33,967 --> 00:27:36,162 So there we are, it must be surely time now 508 00:27:36,207 --> 00:27:39,597 ladies and gentlemen, for the final scores, let's have a look at them. 509 00:27:39,647 --> 00:27:43,606 We're going to start with a worthy and proud winner. He may mutilate animals, 510 00:27:43,647 --> 00:27:46,605 but he does know a thing or two, Sean Lock with 12 points. 511 00:27:46,647 --> 00:27:50,435 (Applause) 512 00:27:50,487 --> 00:27:53,001 And on second place, with three points, 513 00:27:53,047 --> 00:27:56,960 - Rich Hall, ladies and gentlemen. - (Applause) 514 00:27:57,007 --> 00:28:00,522 ln third place, with minus 18 points, 515 00:28:00,567 --> 00:28:04,401 - is Alan Davies, not last. - (Applause) 516 00:28:04,447 --> 00:28:09,646 And that means that our runaway loser, with minus 28, 517 00:28:09,687 --> 00:28:12,679 is Jo Brand, ladies and gentlemen. 518 00:28:12,727 --> 00:28:18,916 (Applause) 519 00:28:18,967 --> 00:28:21,435 Well, that's all we have time for this week. 520 00:28:21,487 --> 00:28:24,445 My thanks to Rich, Sean, Jo and Alan. 521 00:28:24,487 --> 00:28:27,718 And l leave you with a helpful tip from the billionaire John Paul Getty, 522 00:28:27,767 --> 00:28:30,156 "My formula for success," he said, 523 00:28:30,207 --> 00:28:34,678 "ls rise early, work late and strike oil." 524 00:28:34,727 --> 00:28:36,126 Good night. 525 00:28:36,167 --> 00:28:38,806 (Applause) 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net