1 00:00:26,167 --> 00:00:29,125 (Applause) 2 00:00:33,087 --> 00:00:37,000 Well, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening 3 00:00:37,047 --> 00:00:40,596 and a very hearty, cordial and warm welcome to Ql. 4 00:00:40,647 --> 00:00:43,525 Tonight we're talking Cockney rhyming slang, 5 00:00:43,567 --> 00:00:48,163 so without further tea for, let's have a butchers at our four bulletproofs. 6 00:00:48,207 --> 00:00:50,277 - We have Phill Jupitus... - (Applause) 7 00:00:52,327 --> 00:00:54,318 Bill Bailey... 8 00:00:55,647 --> 00:00:57,638 Rory McGrath... 9 00:00:58,927 --> 00:01:02,556 - and Alan Davies. - (Applause) 10 00:01:04,807 --> 00:01:07,526 They're all three stops down from Plaistow, 11 00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:10,639 but never mind, let's Georgie their Orientals 12 00:01:10,687 --> 00:01:15,203 - lf you would please, Bill. - (Alan) What are you talking about? 13 00:01:15,247 --> 00:01:20,002 You want me to, Ursula Andress me Jensen? 14 00:01:21,727 --> 00:01:25,720 - (Stephen) No, we'll start with Phill. - Shall l Eartha my dingly? 15 00:01:25,767 --> 00:01:28,361 # Henry the eighth l am, that's me # 16 00:01:29,887 --> 00:01:33,004 - And Rory goes... - # Knees up Mother Brown 17 00:01:33,047 --> 00:01:36,198 - # Knees up, Mother Brown # - And Bill goes... 18 00:01:36,247 --> 00:01:40,126 # Bill Bailey, won't you please come on home 19 00:01:40,167 --> 00:01:42,635 # Come home, Bill Bailey # 20 00:01:44,647 --> 00:01:47,207 That's very clever what they've done there. 21 00:01:47,247 --> 00:01:49,715 Has anyone ever pointed out that? 22 00:01:49,767 --> 00:01:51,962 No one's ever pointed that out before! 23 00:01:52,007 --> 00:01:55,044 - lt's the same name as your name. - Yes! 24 00:01:55,087 --> 00:01:57,965 - And Alan. - # Chim chim-in-ey, chim chim-in-ey 25 00:01:58,007 --> 00:01:59,884 # Chim chim cher-ee # 26 00:01:59,927 --> 00:02:03,556 Now, tonight any flamencos you give in Pyong score Barney, 27 00:02:03,607 --> 00:02:08,556 - and l'll also give you two Sundays... - What the (Beep) are you talking about?! 28 00:02:08,607 --> 00:02:11,724 (Applause) 29 00:02:11,767 --> 00:02:16,557 lt's Cockney rhyming slang. Any flamencos... 30 00:02:16,607 --> 00:02:19,485 - Flamenco... - Dancers, answers. 31 00:02:19,527 --> 00:02:20,880 ln Pyong... 32 00:02:20,927 --> 00:02:23,077 - (Phill) Pyong Yang. - Slang. 33 00:02:23,127 --> 00:02:24,958 Score Barney, rubble. Double. 34 00:02:25,007 --> 00:02:29,319 - Yes! - l'll give you two Sunday roasts, posts? 35 00:02:29,367 --> 00:02:32,996 Sunday joints, points, if at any nickel and dime, time, 36 00:02:33,047 --> 00:02:35,038 you woman... 37 00:02:35,087 --> 00:02:39,399 - Woman, woman who does, buzz. - (Phill) "Woman who does"?! 38 00:02:40,527 --> 00:02:42,040 That's all l can think of. 39 00:02:42,087 --> 00:02:47,207 Oh, we're doing middle-class Cockney rhyming slang!? A woman who does... 40 00:02:47,247 --> 00:02:50,398 (Applause) 41 00:02:50,447 --> 00:02:52,677 (Alan) A woman who does... 42 00:02:52,727 --> 00:02:54,718 Want to lubricant me? 43 00:02:56,687 --> 00:03:00,123 - Lubricant gel, tell. - (Alan) Lubricant gel? 44 00:03:00,887 --> 00:03:03,082 Who can tell me what l'm on about. 45 00:03:03,127 --> 00:03:06,085 lt's a whole new genre of "argot". 46 00:03:06,127 --> 00:03:08,846 Yes, a Labrador groomer, rumour. 47 00:03:10,767 --> 00:03:13,520 What would your pantomimes translate as? 48 00:03:13,567 --> 00:03:19,483 Pantomime dames, names. Phill Jupitus is Cockney rhyming slang for hypochondriac. 49 00:03:20,047 --> 00:03:21,765 lll? Dubious. 50 00:03:21,807 --> 00:03:24,640 lll dubious, very good, that's good, l like it. 51 00:03:24,687 --> 00:03:27,884 - Rory? - There are two official Rory McGrath's, 52 00:03:27,927 --> 00:03:32,478 there's having a laugh, Rory McGrath. He's having a Rory. 53 00:03:32,527 --> 00:03:34,597 And l'll have a Rory, that's a half. 54 00:03:34,647 --> 00:03:36,638 (Stephen) And Bill? 55 00:03:36,687 --> 00:03:39,963 Er, well, the only thing l can think of might be scaly. 56 00:03:40,007 --> 00:03:43,397 You know, your skin's gone a bit Bill Bailey, scaly. 57 00:03:43,447 --> 00:03:46,519 - That's good. - You've got a bit of an Arthur Ash 58 00:03:46,567 --> 00:03:51,482 on your Roberta. Er, you know, it's gone a bit Bill Bailey. 59 00:03:51,527 --> 00:03:55,839 - What does Alan Davies gives us? - lt only really rhymes with Mavis. 60 00:03:57,207 --> 00:04:02,042 So unless you know someone called Mavis - oh, there's Alan Davies. 61 00:04:03,687 --> 00:04:06,759 - Mavis is the old word for a thrush. - (Stephen) Yeah. 62 00:04:06,807 --> 00:04:08,923 So you can say, l've got a bit of Alan. 63 00:04:08,967 --> 00:04:12,960 - (Stephen) Yes, that's true. - lt's gone a bit Bill Bailey. 64 00:04:15,007 --> 00:04:20,081 For Sunday lunch, you could ask for several types of Alan Davies - gravies. 65 00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:23,164 How many different types of gravy do you know? 66 00:04:23,207 --> 00:04:25,960 Well, it's good to go into a sushi bar and say, 67 00:04:26,007 --> 00:04:30,046 "bring me several types of Japanese wine and don't get all sake." 68 00:04:30,087 --> 00:04:32,840 - But, um... - (Phill) Oh my God! 69 00:04:32,887 --> 00:04:35,685 Well, but what is the point of rhyming slang? 70 00:04:35,727 --> 00:04:38,161 Why did it arise, for points? 71 00:04:38,207 --> 00:04:40,721 Wasn't it to deceive very thick policemen? 72 00:04:40,767 --> 00:04:43,759 - Yes, it's true. - Criminals in pubs sit around, 73 00:04:43,807 --> 00:04:47,516 and in case there was a copper or a nark listening, they'd say, 74 00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:50,877 "We're planning a, um... a snobbery." 75 00:04:52,647 --> 00:04:55,844 "Oh yeah, what... what are we planning to snob?" 76 00:04:55,887 --> 00:04:58,560 "Er, we thought a Jodrell." 77 00:04:58,607 --> 00:05:03,237 "A Jodrell? Oh, which Jodrell?" "Barclays, Lewisham High Street." 78 00:05:04,247 --> 00:05:07,284 Do you know where the word Cockney comes from? 79 00:05:07,327 --> 00:05:11,115 A cock's egg. Something you can't trust, i.e. an egg laid by a cock. 80 00:05:11,167 --> 00:05:13,727 So cock and ey, and the "ey" is the egg. 81 00:05:13,767 --> 00:05:16,679 Yes, a cocken-ey was a cockerel's egg. 82 00:05:16,727 --> 00:05:20,436 - How do you know if you're a Cockney? - The sounding of the bells. 83 00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:24,002 - That's not a trick question. - (Bill) ls it a trick? 84 00:05:24,047 --> 00:05:26,322 - Where is the sound of it? - The Strand? 85 00:05:26,367 --> 00:05:29,837 Well done. lt is not in the area of London called Bow. 86 00:05:29,887 --> 00:05:33,357 - lt's St Mary-le-Bow Church. - St Mary-le-Bow Church. 87 00:05:33,407 --> 00:05:39,164 People use them without knowing, like, if you say scarper, that's rhyming slang. 88 00:05:39,207 --> 00:05:41,357 - Yeah, but is it, Stephen? - (Gasps) 89 00:05:41,407 --> 00:05:45,764 A lot of us think it comes from escappare, the old Spanish meaning to flee. 90 00:05:45,807 --> 00:05:47,843 - (Stephen) Escape. - Yeah. 91 00:05:47,887 --> 00:05:50,037 Yeah, or is it Scapa Flow, go? 92 00:05:50,087 --> 00:05:52,555 Opinion is, as you rightly say, divided. 93 00:05:52,607 --> 00:05:56,600 Where do you think My Old Dutch? lt's actually Duchess of Fife. 94 00:05:56,647 --> 00:05:59,081 - (Phill) Really? - Yeah. Anchor? 95 00:05:59,127 --> 00:06:00,958 - Butter? - (Stephen) Nutter. 96 00:06:01,007 --> 00:06:05,205 But there's a more modern one which means you don't believe something. 97 00:06:05,247 --> 00:06:07,238 Anchor Spreadable, incredible. 98 00:06:09,207 --> 00:06:11,675 lf you do well in a degree what do you get? 99 00:06:11,727 --> 00:06:13,638 (Rory) A Geoff Hurst. 100 00:06:13,687 --> 00:06:17,316 And an upper second or a 2:1 is an Attila. 101 00:06:17,367 --> 00:06:22,122 - And you've got a Desmond. - A Desmond is the famous one for a 2:2... 102 00:06:22,167 --> 00:06:24,317 And l'm afraid l got a Richard. 103 00:06:24,367 --> 00:06:26,358 - A Richard? - A Richard lll. 104 00:06:26,407 --> 00:06:29,126 They call it a Douglas these days in honour of 105 00:06:29,167 --> 00:06:33,319 the manifestly marvellously charismatic and memorable Douglas Hurd. 106 00:06:34,607 --> 00:06:37,883 One thing that Cockney's have a taste for is rock salmon, 107 00:06:37,927 --> 00:06:39,918 which is in fact dog fish. 108 00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:43,960 But that brings us neatly on to pin the taste bud on the cat fish. 109 00:06:45,007 --> 00:06:47,316 You each have a cat fish 110 00:06:47,367 --> 00:06:50,837 and you each have some little stickers. 111 00:06:50,887 --> 00:06:53,401 You have to find out where they go. 112 00:06:53,447 --> 00:06:56,917 - Not just in its mouth then? - l've hypnotised mine. 113 00:06:59,327 --> 00:07:05,163 l've put some on its little things, there you are, just in case it might taste with those. 114 00:07:05,207 --> 00:07:08,916 lt's something to get on with while we get onto the next question. 115 00:07:08,967 --> 00:07:10,958 Would a cat fish come out of the pond 116 00:07:11,007 --> 00:07:14,443 and try and get in your bedroom at night by scratching on the window? 117 00:07:15,487 --> 00:07:17,796 - lt... - (Miaows) 118 00:07:17,847 --> 00:07:19,838 Look, this is not a kindergarten, 119 00:07:19,887 --> 00:07:23,880 l'm not going to sit here while you get on with handicrafts 120 00:07:23,927 --> 00:07:26,725 and l have to answer fatuous questions! 121 00:07:26,767 --> 00:07:30,282 - Please, sir, can l do plasticine instead? - (Stephen) No. 122 00:07:30,327 --> 00:07:33,842 Anyway, now, sticking to our sea theme, 123 00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:37,960 how is Cherokee pronounced in the Cherokee language? 124 00:07:38,887 --> 00:07:41,447 - # Come home, Bill Bailey # - Oh, no! 125 00:07:42,727 --> 00:07:45,480 - (Alan) You can borrow mine if you like? - Can l? 126 00:07:46,407 --> 00:07:49,479 # Chim chim-in-ey, chim chim-in-ey Chim chim cher-ee # 127 00:07:49,527 --> 00:07:52,883 There is no word for Cherokee in the Cherokee language. 128 00:07:52,927 --> 00:07:55,395 (# Shave and a haircut) 129 00:07:55,447 --> 00:07:59,804 l know that the sound T-S-H, which is the "ch" sound phonetically. 130 00:07:59,847 --> 00:08:04,716 Like, if we pronounced the word "much", it would be the same as M-U-T-S-H, 131 00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:08,885 A lot of languages can't pronounce it, the Chinese can't pronounce ch, 132 00:08:08,927 --> 00:08:12,840 so their word for tea, which we call cha, from the Chinese is Tsa. 133 00:08:12,887 --> 00:08:16,675 R's and L's are interchangeable outside Western Europe. 134 00:08:16,727 --> 00:08:19,878 - Absolutely right. - And K's can be voiced 135 00:08:19,927 --> 00:08:23,283 so you could say that Cherokee can be pronounced "Tsoi." 136 00:08:23,327 --> 00:08:25,716 lf you want a proparoxytonic stress. 137 00:08:25,767 --> 00:08:30,795 A paroxytonic stress is "tsoyogi." Or Tsoi if you want an oxytonic stress. 138 00:08:30,847 --> 00:08:33,884 Whichever stress you want, ladies and gentlemen. 139 00:08:33,927 --> 00:08:37,715 l'm suffering from proparoxytonic stress, actually. 140 00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:39,723 l have to give Rory a lot of points 141 00:08:39,767 --> 00:08:43,157 because "Tsalagi" is exactly how they pronounce Cherokee. 142 00:08:43,207 --> 00:08:45,198 (Applause) 143 00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:50,361 They cannot, as you say, pronounce "Ch" or "Rr", 144 00:08:50,407 --> 00:08:52,398 so it becomes "Tsal". 145 00:08:52,447 --> 00:08:54,802 A man felt very sorry for the Cherokees, 146 00:08:54,847 --> 00:08:58,157 because they had given a great service to the American Army 147 00:08:58,207 --> 00:09:02,837 and they couldn't send letters home because they had no written language. 148 00:09:02,887 --> 00:09:08,564 And they were called Cherokee by the Cree, it meant people with another language. 149 00:09:08,607 --> 00:09:11,644 Their name for themselves was "Aniyounwiya" 150 00:09:11,687 --> 00:09:14,838 which means "the principal people". 151 00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:18,243 But the man who founded the language, gave it to them, 152 00:09:18,287 --> 00:09:23,122 he decided on 85 different "leaves", he called them, which were these letters, 153 00:09:23,167 --> 00:09:27,638 and within a year most of the entire nation of the Cherokee were literate. 154 00:09:27,687 --> 00:09:31,157 And his name was Sequoyah, which means pig's foot. 155 00:09:31,207 --> 00:09:34,995 Maybe it was pink, maybe he had been injured, no one knows. 156 00:09:35,047 --> 00:09:38,562 But giant sequoia trees, as you may well know, 157 00:09:38,607 --> 00:09:43,362 are the heaviest living things ever to have existed on earth. 158 00:09:43,407 --> 00:09:45,398 Apart from Fern Britton. 159 00:09:45,447 --> 00:09:47,881 - (Audience) Ohh. - That's cruel. 160 00:09:47,927 --> 00:09:50,441 They can weigh more than 6,000 tonnes 161 00:09:50,487 --> 00:09:53,923 and the tallest are as high as a 26 storey building. 162 00:09:53,967 --> 00:09:55,958 Their bark is up to four foot thick, 163 00:09:56,007 --> 00:10:01,684 but their seeds are one 3,000th of an ounce each. 164 00:10:01,727 --> 00:10:05,117 Approximately one billionth of the weight of the tree. 165 00:10:05,167 --> 00:10:09,638 So, the question is, how does the US government look after its sequoia groves? 166 00:10:09,687 --> 00:10:13,600 Er, lions and tigers are let loose 167 00:10:13,647 --> 00:10:16,002 to roam the surrounding areas. 168 00:10:16,047 --> 00:10:19,926 Do they try and win the hearts and minds of the sequoias? 169 00:10:20,967 --> 00:10:24,198 - What a lovely thought. - What's going to happen? 170 00:10:24,247 --> 00:10:27,956 - Do people try and steal them? - ln the 50's and 60's 171 00:10:28,007 --> 00:10:31,124 they very nearly died out in their native... 172 00:10:31,167 --> 00:10:33,681 - (Alan) California. - Correct. 173 00:10:33,727 --> 00:10:37,163 They weren't breeding and no one could understand why. 174 00:10:37,207 --> 00:10:41,166 - Was it forest fires? - Yes, give the man a big bonus! 175 00:10:41,207 --> 00:10:44,358 (Applause) 176 00:10:44,407 --> 00:10:49,117 The United States Forestry Commission, their fire department, started in 1905, 177 00:10:49,167 --> 00:10:52,637 thinking they were doing good, stopped forest fires, 178 00:10:52,687 --> 00:10:57,556 and the sequoias need forest fires every five, ten, fifteen years, in order to breed 179 00:10:57,607 --> 00:11:01,122 because they clear all the other trees, they survive them 180 00:11:01,167 --> 00:11:06,002 and they clear air and space and light for these tiny, tiny little seedlings 181 00:11:06,047 --> 00:11:10,518 - to bear this enormous redwood fruit. - How does that work then? 182 00:11:10,567 --> 00:11:13,081 Because they must grow really fast. 183 00:11:13,127 --> 00:11:16,642 Or do they grow underground and then pop up? 184 00:11:16,687 --> 00:11:19,918 They are the fastest growing trees on earth. 185 00:11:19,967 --> 00:11:22,765 While we're talking now, one will just go... 186 00:11:23,887 --> 00:11:28,358 l had a neighbour who got annoyed with some leylandii that l didn't even plant, 187 00:11:28,407 --> 00:11:32,002 He went mental over them, so if l can stick some sequoias 188 00:11:32,047 --> 00:11:34,641 in the back garden, without him knowing 189 00:11:34,687 --> 00:11:39,283 and then, as an excuse ten years later, set light to his garden, l'm quids in. 190 00:11:42,727 --> 00:11:45,287 That's very good indeed. 191 00:11:45,327 --> 00:11:49,366 They don't grow as fast as bamboo but bamboo isn't a tree is it? 192 00:11:49,407 --> 00:11:51,557 - lt's a grass. - Well done. 193 00:11:51,607 --> 00:11:55,043 (Bill) lt's an insect. - You've learned little one. 194 00:11:55,087 --> 00:11:56,281 Little?! 195 00:11:56,327 --> 00:12:00,320 Even faster growing is kudzu, 196 00:12:00,367 --> 00:12:02,403 k-u-d-z-u we would spell it. 197 00:12:02,447 --> 00:12:06,884 lt's the only plant that's measured in miles per hour in its growth. 198 00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:10,237 lts shoots grow 60 feet in a single season. 199 00:12:10,287 --> 00:12:14,678 lt's a vine, it's a member of the pea family grown in China and Japan. 200 00:12:14,727 --> 00:12:18,003 Anyway, the trees also rely on the heat of the fires 201 00:12:18,047 --> 00:12:22,006 to open their tough seed cones, that exposes the bare soil. 202 00:12:22,047 --> 00:12:24,515 Now coal is made from ancient forests. 203 00:12:24,567 --> 00:12:28,640 Have any of you used coal to brush your Bexleys? 204 00:12:29,087 --> 00:12:32,523 # Henry the eighth, l am, that's me # 205 00:12:32,567 --> 00:12:34,956 - Never. - (Alarm) 206 00:12:35,007 --> 00:12:37,760 Oh, hello. Oh hang on. 207 00:12:37,807 --> 00:12:39,843 (Alan) Were you doing Bexleyheath? 208 00:12:39,887 --> 00:12:42,481 - Yes, teeth. - lt's Hampstead's usually. 209 00:12:42,527 --> 00:12:45,963 Stephen, Stephen. Oh, Stephen, my love, Stephen, 210 00:12:46,007 --> 00:12:50,080 the toothpaste is so sparkling white, how can it have coal in it? 211 00:12:50,127 --> 00:12:52,243 lt doesn't. lt's the brush. 212 00:12:52,287 --> 00:12:55,245 - What are the bristles made of? - Coal! 213 00:12:55,287 --> 00:12:59,917 Well, they're made of something which is a mixture of coal and air and water. 214 00:12:59,967 --> 00:13:04,279 Oh, it's all easy when l've set the siren off, isn't it? 215 00:13:04,327 --> 00:13:07,637 Are we talking about some complicated hydrocarbon 216 00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:11,123 which is a derivative of a petroleum? (Mumbles) 217 00:13:11,167 --> 00:13:13,158 Not petroleum, no, coal. 218 00:13:13,207 --> 00:13:15,562 lt's fossil fuel, which is coal. 219 00:13:15,607 --> 00:13:18,997 Toothbrushes used to be alive millions of years ago. 220 00:13:21,407 --> 00:13:25,195 lt's a substance that man has developed which he uses to... 221 00:13:25,247 --> 00:13:28,000 - Nylon. - ls the right answer, well done. 222 00:13:28,047 --> 00:13:31,676 (Rory) lt was developed in New York and London at the same... 223 00:13:31,727 --> 00:13:35,515 You get points taken away, that's not why it's called nylon. 224 00:13:35,567 --> 00:13:38,127 - Oh! - (Bill) Ah-ha ha! 225 00:13:38,167 --> 00:13:41,443 Oh, you did fall into that one, Rory, thank you. 226 00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:46,766 lt was originally called "No Run", by its inventor, he was called Carothers. 227 00:13:46,807 --> 00:13:51,085 Du Pont wanted to call it nylon, though they didn't trademark the name, 228 00:13:51,127 --> 00:13:55,086 you can use the word nylon, unlike another of their famous products. 229 00:13:55,127 --> 00:14:00,042 - Used to describe human characteristics. - (Bill) Tef... lon. 230 00:14:00,087 --> 00:14:04,365 (Stephen) Teflon exactly, non-stick Teflon is a Du Pont invention. 231 00:14:04,407 --> 00:14:08,639 lt's a thought that you could just get a new head for your brush. 232 00:14:08,687 --> 00:14:11,520 You could have a handle made for you, 233 00:14:11,567 --> 00:14:14,604 perhaps perfectly moulded for your own grip. 234 00:14:14,647 --> 00:14:17,525 Yeah, so you use ivory... Oh, no, hang on. 235 00:14:17,567 --> 00:14:20,445 But yes... 236 00:14:21,487 --> 00:14:24,843 - Rhino horn. - Yes, or panda fur or... 237 00:14:24,887 --> 00:14:28,004 - The beak of an osprey. - (Stephen) Yes. 238 00:14:28,047 --> 00:14:32,484 Stephen Fry's all endangered species bathroom cabinet. 239 00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:38,644 - l'll use this coelacanth to scratch my back. - (Stephen) Cheeky. 240 00:14:38,687 --> 00:14:43,556 Poor old Carothers gave us neoprene He was a Harvard professor at age 28. 241 00:14:43,607 --> 00:14:46,758 - Wet suits. - Wet suits are made of neoprene. 242 00:14:46,807 --> 00:14:50,846 He invented that when he was a young man and then committed suicide 243 00:14:50,887 --> 00:14:53,685 - by taking saliva. - (Rory) Taking what? 244 00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:56,685 - Did l say saliva? - (Rory) You said saliva. 245 00:14:57,607 --> 00:14:59,598 A Freudian blow-job - er, slip. 246 00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:02,876 The poor man Carothers took cyanide 247 00:15:02,927 --> 00:15:06,556 and killed himself and obviously that's very funny. 248 00:15:06,607 --> 00:15:09,724 Why did he take cyanide, had he run out of saliva? 249 00:15:09,767 --> 00:15:13,282 "Where's the bottle of spit l've been saving?" 250 00:15:13,327 --> 00:15:16,478 Oh dear, l've made a bit of an arse of myself. 251 00:15:17,887 --> 00:15:20,447 You've made me laugh. One thing we can't tell 252 00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:23,843 is whether the Laughing Cavalier ever brushed his teeth, 253 00:15:23,887 --> 00:15:27,436 because his mouth is shut. But he's pleased about something. 254 00:15:27,487 --> 00:15:30,399 What's he on? What's he on? 255 00:15:30,447 --> 00:15:34,281 He's on the wall of the Wallace collection in Manchester Square. 256 00:15:34,327 --> 00:15:37,399 - That is literally true. - He was on nitrous oxide, 257 00:15:37,447 --> 00:15:39,005 which is laughing... 258 00:15:39,047 --> 00:15:43,325 - You're close, he's actually on cannabis. - You're kidding. 259 00:15:43,367 --> 00:15:49,158 He's spent eight hours doing that to his moustache, "Yeah, that's really nice". 260 00:15:49,207 --> 00:15:54,361 l'm being literally true, he is on cannabis. 261 00:15:54,407 --> 00:15:59,401 Are you saying that he's sitting on something made of hemp, like a cushion? 262 00:15:59,447 --> 00:16:01,483 That painting is painted on canvas 263 00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:04,837 and the word canvas comes from the Greek cannabis. 264 00:16:04,887 --> 00:16:09,199 ln fact the word hemp also derives from the Greek word cannabis. 265 00:16:09,247 --> 00:16:13,365 lt seems odd but the old Swedish is "hanap" from cannabis 266 00:16:13,407 --> 00:16:15,159 and "hanap" became hemp. 267 00:16:15,207 --> 00:16:20,201 But of course the cannabinoids, that make one apparently very merry 268 00:16:20,247 --> 00:16:25,162 and then for some reason want to eat a lot of Lion Bars is, er... 269 00:16:25,207 --> 00:16:30,600 is actually very, very little of it in that. Modern canvas, in case you're tempted 270 00:16:30,647 --> 00:16:32,683 - to smoke... - Very over-priced. 271 00:16:32,727 --> 00:16:36,356 ...ls a) over-priced and is made out of cotton or linen, 272 00:16:36,407 --> 00:16:38,523 so will not give you any kind of high. 273 00:16:38,567 --> 00:16:41,365 Returning to our matters of special interest - 274 00:16:41,407 --> 00:16:45,605 Cockneys - what was the capital of England in the year 1381? 275 00:16:45,647 --> 00:16:48,161 - (# Shave and a haircut) - (Stephen) Rory? 276 00:16:48,207 --> 00:16:51,756 lt's got to be Winchester or Chelmsford. 277 00:16:51,807 --> 00:16:55,243 Oh, it is indeed Chelmsford. Very good for knowing that. 278 00:16:55,287 --> 00:16:57,721 lt was only the capital for five days. 279 00:16:57,767 --> 00:16:59,325 But then, Rory, 280 00:16:59,367 --> 00:17:01,835 apart from being a very knowledgeable young man, 281 00:17:01,887 --> 00:17:04,799 well two out of three, um... 282 00:17:04,847 --> 00:17:09,363 you were author of a series called Chelmsford 1-2-3. So you should know. 283 00:17:09,407 --> 00:17:13,639 During the time we were writing about, Colchester was the capital. 284 00:17:13,687 --> 00:17:17,282 - Called Camulodunon then. - What was Chelmsford called? 285 00:17:17,327 --> 00:17:21,764 - Caesaromagus. - Beauvais, in France, was also called that. 286 00:17:21,807 --> 00:17:25,163 lt's the only town in England named after Julius Caesar. 287 00:17:25,207 --> 00:17:30,645 Charles Dickens called it the dullest and most stupid spot on the face of the earth. 288 00:17:32,607 --> 00:17:35,565 Why was it capital of England? Richard ll. 289 00:17:35,607 --> 00:17:39,282 - The Peasant's Revolt? - The Peasant's Revolt was going on. 290 00:17:39,327 --> 00:17:42,842 He moved away from London because Wat Tyler was coming... 291 00:17:42,887 --> 00:17:47,165 (Stephen) He defeated the peasant's revolt at Billericay. 292 00:17:47,207 --> 00:17:50,085 First ever factory making what? ln the world? 293 00:17:50,127 --> 00:17:53,756 - Radios. - Radios, well done, five points. 294 00:17:53,807 --> 00:17:56,526 Marconi set up shop in Chelmsford. 295 00:17:56,567 --> 00:17:59,843 Chelmsford has the largest burns unit in Europe. 296 00:17:59,887 --> 00:18:04,244 Oddly enough, the MP for Chelmsford West is called Simon Burns, 297 00:18:04,287 --> 00:18:08,121 though because he got a Douglas at university, he is known as? 298 00:18:08,167 --> 00:18:10,522 - Third Degree Burns. - (All groan) 299 00:18:10,567 --> 00:18:13,923 - Hey. - (Cackles) 300 00:18:13,967 --> 00:18:17,243 lt is now time, fortunately, for General lgnorance, 301 00:18:17,287 --> 00:18:19,278 so it's fingers on buzzers. 302 00:18:19,327 --> 00:18:23,115 Now, what happened to Barbra Streisand's moustache? 303 00:18:24,407 --> 00:18:27,524 # Henry the eighth, l am, that's me # 304 00:18:27,567 --> 00:18:28,886 Yentl. 305 00:18:28,927 --> 00:18:32,840 - She played the boy in Yentl? Did she... - Oh, yeah! 306 00:18:32,887 --> 00:18:36,243 lt's in a display case in Planet Hollywood. 307 00:18:36,287 --> 00:18:40,121 lf l were to tell you that she ate it and then poohed it out. 308 00:18:41,567 --> 00:18:45,242 (Bill) Disgusting. (Rory) l want to see that video. 309 00:18:45,287 --> 00:18:50,441 l want to tell you that Carol Vorderman also ate her moustache and excreted it. 310 00:18:50,487 --> 00:18:54,526 What's more, l happen to know that Alan Davies did the same thing. 311 00:18:55,327 --> 00:18:59,559 l did it, you and everyone in the audience did it, and everyone at home... 312 00:18:59,607 --> 00:19:03,361 - But whoa, whoa, look, oi. - (Bill) Yeah... 313 00:19:03,407 --> 00:19:06,080 You've already eaten your moustache and poohed it out. 314 00:19:06,127 --> 00:19:08,436 - l beg to differ... - You've grown another. 315 00:19:08,487 --> 00:19:11,320 - l've grown another one? - Yes. 316 00:19:11,367 --> 00:19:15,155 When you're a baby in the womb you have a full 'tasche. 317 00:19:15,207 --> 00:19:17,880 Groucho Marx number and a cigar. 318 00:19:17,927 --> 00:19:20,885 Hair starts on the upper lip, then the eyebrows 319 00:19:20,927 --> 00:19:23,395 and then it covers the whole body, 320 00:19:23,447 --> 00:19:27,156 and it's called lanugo, as in woolly. 321 00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:30,085 And then, during the last weeks of pregnancy, 322 00:19:30,127 --> 00:19:33,483 the baby sheds all its little wool and eats it. 323 00:19:33,527 --> 00:19:35,995 - (Phill) Mm. - lt does, honestly. 324 00:19:36,047 --> 00:19:39,960 And the hair, along with mucus and bile and bits of intestine 325 00:19:40,007 --> 00:19:41,998 and cells shed from the skin. 326 00:19:42,047 --> 00:19:45,357 Oh, wow, can l have the recipe again, Stephen? 327 00:19:45,407 --> 00:19:50,800 And amniotic fluid and cells form little baby's first stool. 328 00:19:50,847 --> 00:19:54,522 We, er, yes, we laminated it and, er... 329 00:19:54,567 --> 00:19:56,523 - Put it in the baby book? - Yes. 330 00:19:56,567 --> 00:19:58,876 Baby's first little turd. 331 00:19:58,927 --> 00:20:02,442 - Wh-Why Barbra Streisand - (Stephen) Why Barbra Streisand? 332 00:20:02,487 --> 00:20:09,120 Why not, she's a person, it just... Barbra Streisand ate her moustache and poohed it, 333 00:20:09,167 --> 00:20:13,479 it seemed amusing to me. Now, from one shocking image to another, 334 00:20:13,527 --> 00:20:17,315 why shouldn't l strip Alan naked and cover him with gold paint? 335 00:20:17,367 --> 00:20:19,642 # Henry the eighth, l am, that's right # 336 00:20:19,687 --> 00:20:23,396 You win your Oscar properly like everyone else. 337 00:20:24,447 --> 00:20:28,201 (Applause) 338 00:20:28,247 --> 00:20:29,726 - (Alan) ln the film - (# Shave and a haircut) 339 00:20:29,767 --> 00:20:33,919 - ln the film she died from it. - She died from it. So it would kill you? 340 00:20:33,967 --> 00:20:37,084 - (Alarm) - lt happened in the film... 341 00:20:37,127 --> 00:20:41,962 the small of her back needed to be left exposed so she could breathe through it. 342 00:20:42,007 --> 00:20:45,682 Exactly, that's right, and it's a complete load of old toss. 343 00:20:45,727 --> 00:20:49,561 - Like everything in James Bond. - lan Fleming does make things up. 344 00:20:49,607 --> 00:20:54,123 The skin does not breathe. You'd get very, very hot and couldn't sweat. 345 00:20:54,167 --> 00:20:56,886 Any other lan Fleming peculiar opinions? 346 00:20:56,927 --> 00:21:01,318 You can't kill someone with a flying bowler hat, that's rubbish. 347 00:21:02,807 --> 00:21:04,286 Yes. There are extraordinary ones. 348 00:21:04,327 --> 00:21:08,878 At one point he says homosexuals can't whistle. 349 00:21:08,927 --> 00:21:11,361 - (Blows) - (Phill) Why, what would he? 350 00:21:11,407 --> 00:21:14,797 Also, Tiger Tanaka in You Only Live Twice tells him, 351 00:21:14,847 --> 00:21:19,557 when they go to see sumo wrestling, he says, " Mr Bond, at the age of 14, 352 00:21:19,607 --> 00:21:25,364 "junior sumos are taught that they can cause their testicles to re-enter the body 353 00:21:25,407 --> 00:21:29,685 "via the inguinal canal from which they originally descended." 354 00:21:29,727 --> 00:21:33,402 And it's just nonsense. l mean it's just, you know. 355 00:21:33,447 --> 00:21:36,837 No, it's fun for the sumos to give it a go though. 356 00:21:36,887 --> 00:21:39,640 "He wins by pushy back inny." 357 00:21:41,127 --> 00:21:43,322 l think it was From Russia With Love 358 00:21:43,367 --> 00:21:46,803 there's a scene where they go to this gypsy encampment 359 00:21:46,847 --> 00:21:50,522 and two girls have been fighting over a man, and he says to Bond, 360 00:21:50,567 --> 00:21:53,604 "Yes, they will settle it the gypsy way." 361 00:21:53,647 --> 00:21:57,845 Which is just a lot of, grr! lt's just like a bundle in a car park. 362 00:21:57,887 --> 00:22:01,766 - Like a normal fight but near caravans. - Yes. 363 00:22:01,807 --> 00:22:05,800 And at one point, she stops and sells someone a little bit of heather. 364 00:22:05,847 --> 00:22:08,520 Grr! Lucky heather? Grr! 365 00:22:09,647 --> 00:22:11,842 - Fingers on buzzers. - (Bill) Oh no. 366 00:22:11,887 --> 00:22:14,447 How many senses do you have? 367 00:22:14,487 --> 00:22:17,524 # Chim chim-in-ey, chim chim-in-ey Chim chim cher-ee # 368 00:22:17,567 --> 00:22:19,922 (Bill) l sense a buzzer coming. 369 00:22:19,967 --> 00:22:21,958 - Five, obviously. - (Alarm) 370 00:22:22,007 --> 00:22:25,682 - (Stephen) No! - Six, seven, eight, nine, four, three, 371 00:22:25,727 --> 00:22:27,922 two, one, ten, eleven. 372 00:22:27,967 --> 00:22:32,518 Nine, anything between nine and 21. Just think... Aristotle said five. 373 00:22:32,567 --> 00:22:36,196 Seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling, touching. 374 00:22:36,247 --> 00:22:40,684 Right. What about balance? Hunger? Thirst? Why aren't they senses? 375 00:22:40,727 --> 00:22:44,356 - Feedback from the world. Pressure. - Disappointment. 376 00:22:44,407 --> 00:22:48,878 There are lots of other ways. Feeling heat. Where do you feel heat? 377 00:22:48,927 --> 00:22:52,715 You don't touch heat. So there is "thermoception". 378 00:22:52,767 --> 00:22:56,646 "Nociception", - pain. "Equilibrioception" - balance... 379 00:22:56,687 --> 00:23:00,202 So why do they teach me that there are five? 380 00:23:00,247 --> 00:23:01,965 (Laughter) 381 00:23:02,007 --> 00:23:06,080 Aristotle said there were four elements, earth, air, fire and water, 382 00:23:06,127 --> 00:23:08,721 but we don't believe that now. 383 00:23:08,767 --> 00:23:11,759 - (Rory) l do. - l'd go along with that. 384 00:23:12,367 --> 00:23:17,441 "Proprioception" - when you close your eyes and move your hand, you know where it is. 385 00:23:17,487 --> 00:23:22,641 - What about the sixth sense? - Back then they only thought of five senses. 386 00:23:22,687 --> 00:23:26,316 So what, it should be the 22nd sense? 387 00:23:29,287 --> 00:23:31,562 - How are you doing that? - l don't know! 388 00:23:31,607 --> 00:23:35,282 lt's like some strange power! Where is my arm? l don't know. 389 00:23:35,327 --> 00:23:37,761 l knew this bloke, he fell asleep drunk, 390 00:23:37,807 --> 00:23:42,323 and sometimes your arm does something weird? And he fell asleep like that 391 00:23:42,367 --> 00:23:44,483 and he woke up and he went like that 392 00:23:44,527 --> 00:23:47,439 and his arm dropped down and he broke his nose. 393 00:23:49,127 --> 00:23:51,925 - (Applause) - (Stephen) Very bad luck. 394 00:23:51,967 --> 00:23:55,801 This man mowed his lawn with one of those things that whiz round. 395 00:23:55,847 --> 00:24:00,238 - (Rory) Lawn mowers? - And he was in open-toed sandals 396 00:24:00,287 --> 00:24:05,315 and he cut his toe off - but, the thing is, it flew up and took his eye out. 397 00:24:06,767 --> 00:24:10,521 l mean... why is it so funny? l mean... - (Applause) 398 00:24:10,567 --> 00:24:14,719 A toe being cut off is kind of, "Ohh". Quite funny, but it's... 399 00:24:14,767 --> 00:24:18,760 but the fact that the toe should just... like that. lt's somehow... 400 00:24:18,807 --> 00:24:21,480 "How did the lawn mowing go?" "Don't ask." 401 00:24:24,007 --> 00:24:27,397 Now, lastly, who's the oldest man in the Bible? 402 00:24:27,447 --> 00:24:30,803 # Chim chim-in-ey, chim chim-in-ey Chim chim cher-ee # 403 00:24:31,607 --> 00:24:34,679 - Noah? - No, not Noah, he was quite old. 404 00:24:34,727 --> 00:24:37,036 # l'm Henry the eighth, l am, that's right # 405 00:24:37,087 --> 00:24:39,043 - Methuselah. - (Alarm) 406 00:24:39,087 --> 00:24:43,877 - (Rory) You didn't fall for that one, did you? - l fell into the bear pit. 407 00:24:43,927 --> 00:24:47,397 - How old was Noah? - Noah was 950. 408 00:24:47,447 --> 00:24:48,516 Older than Adam then? 409 00:24:48,567 --> 00:24:53,277 He was older than Adam, oh yes. Adam was 930 years old. 410 00:24:53,327 --> 00:24:56,319 - How old was Methuselah? - Methuselah was 969. 411 00:24:56,367 --> 00:25:00,155 Well, that just sucks, why do we go, "He's old as Methuselah?" 412 00:25:00,207 --> 00:25:03,882 Well, because Enoch... is still alive. 413 00:25:03,927 --> 00:25:09,081 Enoch never died. Enoch was 365 when, it quite specifically says in the Bible, 414 00:25:09,127 --> 00:25:11,118 that the Lord "took him". 415 00:25:11,167 --> 00:25:15,001 God decided not to give him death because he was a good man. 416 00:25:15,047 --> 00:25:18,323 - St Paul wrote about it, he said... - Stephen... 417 00:25:18,367 --> 00:25:20,597 - bring him to me. - (Laughter) 418 00:25:21,887 --> 00:25:25,766 On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? he'd be a good phone-a-friend. 419 00:25:26,687 --> 00:25:32,284 Wouldn't it be great if you phoned up - (Deep voice) " Hang on, l'll see if he's in. 420 00:25:32,327 --> 00:25:35,763 "Enoch, it's your friend." 421 00:25:37,167 --> 00:25:41,126 Well, French philosopher Descartes believed that all humans 422 00:25:41,167 --> 00:25:45,638 could live as long as the patriarchs, as those old Bible figures are known. 423 00:25:45,687 --> 00:25:48,121 And he believed he was right on the brink 424 00:25:48,167 --> 00:25:52,126 of inventing a way to make us live for at least 1,000 years 425 00:25:52,167 --> 00:25:54,158 when he died, aged 54. 426 00:25:55,047 --> 00:26:01,441 So there you are. That would make Enoch 5,387 years old. 427 00:26:01,487 --> 00:26:05,639 Finally, to the pin the taste bud on the catfish competition. 428 00:26:05,687 --> 00:26:08,281 Show your work, please. 429 00:26:08,327 --> 00:26:13,242 Wouldn't it be lovely to eat something and taste it right along your body? Mm. 430 00:26:13,287 --> 00:26:16,006 Catfish do have a lateral line. 431 00:26:16,687 --> 00:26:20,157 And a kind of scattergun... Oh, you missed one. 432 00:26:20,207 --> 00:26:22,323 Ah, the end of the dorsal fin, eh? 433 00:26:22,367 --> 00:26:24,403 Yeah. Catfish. 434 00:26:24,447 --> 00:26:27,598 Alan's craft work has really come on this term. 435 00:26:28,847 --> 00:26:32,681 But the closest is probably Rory, because the fact is 436 00:26:32,727 --> 00:26:38,120 there is no part of a catfish which is not covered in thousands of taste buds. 437 00:26:38,167 --> 00:26:43,161 He is basically a swimming tongue. And that is rather close. Hold yours up. 438 00:26:43,207 --> 00:26:46,756 That is rather close. That is eerie how close that is. 439 00:26:46,807 --> 00:26:49,560 - l'm very surprised. - (Applause) 440 00:26:49,607 --> 00:26:54,761 Which brings us to the pancake of the Bobby's. Um, and, er... Which is? 441 00:26:55,527 --> 00:26:58,837 - Bobby Moore's. - Yes! Pancake, batter... 442 00:26:58,887 --> 00:27:03,199 - Toss. Pancakes... - The matter of the scores. 443 00:27:03,247 --> 00:27:07,035 l don't think l'd ever really cut it as a Cockney, would l? 444 00:27:07,087 --> 00:27:10,443 Let's have a look at the British Home Stores. 445 00:27:11,887 --> 00:27:15,118 - ln first place with three points, Bill Bailey. - Oh! 446 00:27:15,167 --> 00:27:17,556 (Applause) 447 00:27:17,607 --> 00:27:21,077 ln second place, with minus one, Rory McGrath. 448 00:27:21,127 --> 00:27:22,958 (Applause) 449 00:27:23,007 --> 00:27:26,238 ln third place with minus twelve, Phill Jupitus. 450 00:27:26,287 --> 00:27:28,005 (Applause) 451 00:27:28,047 --> 00:27:32,404 But our runaway not winner this week, Alan Davies with minus nineteen. 452 00:27:32,447 --> 00:27:34,483 (Applause) 453 00:27:41,327 --> 00:27:45,286 So, it's Hi-de-hi and baked potato from Ql. 454 00:27:45,327 --> 00:27:46,726 (Laughter) 455 00:27:46,767 --> 00:27:50,965 My Tom Hanks go to Phill, Rory, Bill and Alan. 456 00:27:51,007 --> 00:27:53,316 (Applause) 457 00:27:53,367 --> 00:27:57,565 l'll leave you with this castle and fort on the origins of London slang. 458 00:27:57,607 --> 00:28:02,840 ln the early years of the 20th century, Meccano, was sold in two kinds 459 00:28:02,887 --> 00:28:07,403 labelled box-standard and box-deluxe. 460 00:28:07,447 --> 00:28:09,802 And that, or so they say and persuade me 461 00:28:09,847 --> 00:28:14,125 is where we get the two phrases "bog standard" and "dog's bollocks". 462 00:28:16,887 --> 00:28:20,163 Language is strange but she's my mistress. Goodnight. 463 00:28:20,207 --> 00:28:21,845 (Applause) 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net