1 00:00:23,647 --> 00:00:25,444 (Applause) 2 00:00:25,487 --> 00:00:27,478 (Cheering) 3 00:00:27,527 --> 00:00:29,518 (Whistling) 4 00:00:33,887 --> 00:00:36,117 Well, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, 5 00:00:36,167 --> 00:00:42,117 and welcome to Ql, or "Da Jia Mun Hao" as they say in Chinese, 6 00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:45,796 because tonight's menu has a very distinctive Chinese flavour. 7 00:00:45,847 --> 00:00:50,921 So let me introduce our four mandarins of mirth. Ha-ha. 8 00:00:50,967 --> 00:00:54,516 Phill Jupitus. 9 00:00:54,567 --> 00:00:57,445 David Mitchell. 10 00:00:57,487 --> 00:00:59,637 Bill Bailey. 11 00:00:59,687 --> 00:01:02,201 And Alan Davies. 12 00:01:06,767 --> 00:01:09,645 So let's hear your gongs, gentlemen, please. Phill goes... 13 00:01:09,687 --> 00:01:13,043 (Gong sounds twice) 14 00:01:13,087 --> 00:01:14,679 (Stephen) Oh, twice. 15 00:01:14,727 --> 00:01:17,480 - David goes... - (Harp flourish) 16 00:01:17,527 --> 00:01:19,677 - That's lovely. - Bill goes... 17 00:01:19,727 --> 00:01:22,958 (# Shrill singing) 18 00:01:24,767 --> 00:01:26,325 And Alan goes... 19 00:01:26,367 --> 00:01:28,323 # Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong 20 00:01:28,367 --> 00:01:30,005 # Ying tong iddle l po # 21 00:01:30,047 --> 00:01:33,039 (Stephen) Oh, of course he does. Oh dear me. 22 00:01:34,047 --> 00:01:36,436 Actually l've been doing a little research on Chinese, 23 00:01:36,487 --> 00:01:39,559 and l have your Chinese names, as it were, 24 00:01:39,607 --> 00:01:42,883 Alan Davies, for instance, is "A Lun Dai Bi Si". 25 00:01:42,927 --> 00:01:44,326 - Allo Daba? - (Stephen) Yeah. 26 00:01:44,367 --> 00:01:47,996 Which means "lazy great slave child". 27 00:01:48,847 --> 00:01:51,236 Erm... Or, rather bizarrely, 28 00:01:51,287 --> 00:01:54,563 "two dozen blue combs". 29 00:01:54,607 --> 00:01:59,317 l'm, interestingly, "Si Fen Fi Lai", 30 00:01:59,367 --> 00:02:04,077 meaning "stiff fragrant husband come", 31 00:02:04,127 --> 00:02:05,526 literally true. 32 00:02:05,567 --> 00:02:09,799 Or "private suite bend over pipe". Erm... 33 00:02:09,847 --> 00:02:13,522 Bill, "shabby plum shellfish texture". 34 00:02:14,647 --> 00:02:18,879 "Low hedge, sad hedge", That's "Bi Li Bai Li". 35 00:02:18,927 --> 00:02:21,282 Of course, "Bi Li Bei Li". 36 00:02:21,327 --> 00:02:23,682 Phill Jupitus is "Fu Li Zhu Pi Ta", 37 00:02:23,727 --> 00:02:25,604 "vulgar dwarf skin couch". 38 00:02:25,647 --> 00:02:27,319 - Nice. - (Stephen) Yeah. 39 00:02:27,367 --> 00:02:29,119 And you've also got the hedge, because of the Li, of course, 40 00:02:29,167 --> 00:02:32,842 so you're "bend over hedge master ruffian foetus." 41 00:02:32,887 --> 00:02:34,161 (Stephen) Not bad. 42 00:02:34,207 --> 00:02:40,521 And "Dai Bi Mi Chao" is "slack slave rotten dynasty". 43 00:02:40,567 --> 00:02:44,003 Or "Fry borrows narrow spoon". 44 00:02:44,047 --> 00:02:47,483 Now the Chinese are amongst the most inventive people on earth, 45 00:02:47,527 --> 00:02:51,156 the first to make silk, paper, brandy, matches, bells, 46 00:02:51,207 --> 00:02:54,995 gunpowder, wheelbarrows, kites, compasses, calendars, crossbows 47 00:02:55,047 --> 00:02:56,719 and, of course, china. 48 00:02:56,767 --> 00:03:01,795 So name something beginning with C that was invented in Corby. 49 00:03:01,847 --> 00:03:04,441 Chow mein. 50 00:03:04,487 --> 00:03:06,205 No. Nice thought, though. 51 00:03:06,247 --> 00:03:08,078 (Gong) 52 00:03:08,127 --> 00:03:09,879 The Rank Organisation. 53 00:03:09,927 --> 00:03:12,077 (Stephen) Hey! 54 00:03:12,127 --> 00:03:14,118 (Bill) Steel, was it something in steel? 55 00:03:14,167 --> 00:03:15,885 (Stephen) A lot of steel, yes. 56 00:03:15,927 --> 00:03:20,045 - There are lots and lots of Scotsmen. - Very true. Do you know why? 57 00:03:20,087 --> 00:03:23,796 Because they all came and moved there to get jobs. 58 00:03:23,847 --> 00:03:26,236 About 40% of the people are Scottish. 59 00:03:26,287 --> 00:03:29,324 There's a Celtic supporters club and a Rangers supporters club. 60 00:03:29,367 --> 00:03:31,756 lt's the second largest Rangers supporters club in the world. 61 00:03:31,807 --> 00:03:36,039 And there's also the Rockingham raceway, racetrack. 62 00:03:36,087 --> 00:03:39,966 - These are the things l know of Corby. - (Stephen) He's good. You see... 63 00:03:40,007 --> 00:03:43,124 Could this be anything to do at all with the sainted trouser press? 64 00:03:43,167 --> 00:03:45,920 - (Stephen) Ah! No! - (Alarm) 65 00:03:45,967 --> 00:03:48,197 Argh! Argh! 66 00:03:48,247 --> 00:03:50,397 We were hoping someone would say it. No. 67 00:03:50,447 --> 00:03:53,757 The sainted, as you say, trouser press was invented by a man called Corby 68 00:03:53,807 --> 00:03:56,401 and has nothing to do with the great town of Corby. 69 00:03:56,447 --> 00:04:00,076 John Corby in Windsor invented it in 1930. 70 00:04:00,127 --> 00:04:04,678 Can l just say, it does work absolutely beautifully if you need to keep, er... 71 00:04:04,727 --> 00:04:07,287 - food warm in a hotel room. (Bill) Yes. 72 00:04:07,327 --> 00:04:09,716 - (Alan) Platter foods mainly. - Yeah. 73 00:04:09,767 --> 00:04:13,396 - No, a panini, held for hours. - (David) Oh, yes. 74 00:04:14,207 --> 00:04:17,199 The new ones have got a little flip-out ironing board 75 00:04:17,247 --> 00:04:19,238 - and a mini iron. - (Stephen) The Executive. 76 00:04:19,287 --> 00:04:23,599 The Executive, yes. The Hodgkiss 4000. 77 00:04:23,647 --> 00:04:26,286 Something beginning with C was invented in Corby? 78 00:04:26,327 --> 00:04:29,319 No, we can't find anything. We were hoping you would say Corby trouser press. 79 00:04:29,367 --> 00:04:32,165 - Crisps? - Crisps, it's funny you should say crisps. 80 00:04:32,207 --> 00:04:35,085 - l mean, they weren't invented there. - They are eaten there, though, aren't they? 81 00:04:35,127 --> 00:04:37,083 (Stephen) Yeah. 82 00:04:37,127 --> 00:04:39,595 ln 1980 they closed the steelworks, 83 00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:42,525 and 11,000 Corbyites were thrown out of work. 84 00:04:42,567 --> 00:04:46,879 But within little over a year, 15,000 new jobs were created, 85 00:04:46,927 --> 00:04:48,997 including at Golden Wonder. 86 00:04:49,047 --> 00:04:53,438 lts main claim to fame, of course, is that it's the largest town in Europe 87 00:04:53,487 --> 00:04:56,445 not to have a railway station. 88 00:04:56,487 --> 00:04:58,682 (Stephen) Gasps. (Phill) Did they ever have one? 89 00:04:58,727 --> 00:05:00,763 Well, they did, it was closed in 1963, 90 00:05:00,807 --> 00:05:03,526 and they claim it will open again in about 2010. 91 00:05:03,567 --> 00:05:07,446 Surely that'll mean Corby will lose its only claim to fame? 92 00:05:07,487 --> 00:05:09,079 - True. - lt hasn't got any steel, 93 00:05:09,127 --> 00:05:11,118 it's just crisps and the no station. 94 00:05:13,327 --> 00:05:15,557 - 1963 did it close? - '63. 95 00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:19,043 (Alan) You remember getting off a train there in '64 96 00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:21,923 lt'll re-open and the first thing they'll say, 97 00:05:21,967 --> 00:05:25,642 "We apologise for the late arrival of..." 98 00:05:25,687 --> 00:05:28,155 (Stephen) They do have another claim to fame though. 99 00:05:28,207 --> 00:05:31,722 What's the connection between Corby and an enormous amount of porridge 100 00:05:31,767 --> 00:05:33,758 found on Mars? 101 00:05:35,047 --> 00:05:39,006 Well, that would be definite evidence of life on Mars 102 00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:42,164 - if they found a bowl of porridge. - (Stephen) Yes. 103 00:05:42,207 --> 00:05:45,404 - (Bill) And then three bears, perhaps. - Yeah. 104 00:05:46,887 --> 00:05:49,526 And then the probe would be able to determine 105 00:05:49,567 --> 00:05:54,163 whether it was too hot or too cold, or indeed just right. 106 00:05:54,207 --> 00:05:57,085 - Just right, yes. - ls it the Scottish space programme? 107 00:05:57,127 --> 00:05:59,516 "We'll send them porridge to Mars." 108 00:06:01,287 --> 00:06:05,280 Cast your mind back to June-ish 1969, 109 00:06:05,327 --> 00:06:06,919 what happened then? Big famous thing. 110 00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:08,685 (Phill) The old moon landing. 111 00:06:08,727 --> 00:06:13,005 Now, in the 230-odd thousand miles from earth to moon, 112 00:06:13,047 --> 00:06:15,686 there's a lot of boring time in which 113 00:06:15,727 --> 00:06:19,686 the three sitting in their podule are chatting to Mission Control. 114 00:06:19,727 --> 00:06:23,481 Houston said, "And in Corby, England, an lrishman, John Coyle, 115 00:06:23,527 --> 00:06:26,166 "has won the world's porridge-eating championship 116 00:06:26,207 --> 00:06:29,119 "by consuming 23 bowls of instant oatmeal 117 00:06:29,167 --> 00:06:33,080 "in a ten-minute time limit. Over." 118 00:06:33,127 --> 00:06:35,118 Which is the actual transcript. 119 00:06:35,167 --> 00:06:38,477 And Apollo 11 said, "l'd like to enter Aldrin 120 00:06:38,527 --> 00:06:41,405 "in an oatmeal-eating contest next time. 121 00:06:41,447 --> 00:06:45,565 "He's on the 19th bowl. Roger." 122 00:06:45,607 --> 00:06:50,123 Which deathless conversation led to NASA getting rather obsessed 123 00:06:50,167 --> 00:06:52,123 with Corby and porridge, 124 00:06:52,167 --> 00:06:56,843 and so it named a crater on Mars Corby. 125 00:06:56,887 --> 00:07:00,004 lf there is any life on Mars, aren't they going to be angry 126 00:07:00,047 --> 00:07:01,639 that everywhere has been named 127 00:07:01,687 --> 00:07:05,157 according to some NASA-based in-joke system? 128 00:07:06,327 --> 00:07:09,046 The rules that govern the naming of craters on Mars, 129 00:07:09,087 --> 00:07:12,966 they have to be named after towns in the world 130 00:07:13,007 --> 00:07:15,282 with a population below a hundred thousand. 131 00:07:15,327 --> 00:07:18,239 The ones beginning with C include Cadiz, Cairns... 132 00:07:18,287 --> 00:07:20,039 (Alan) Cadeeth. (Stephen) Cadeeth, thank you. 133 00:07:20,087 --> 00:07:21,805 Cadiz. 134 00:07:21,847 --> 00:07:24,441 (Chuckles) Minus five. Erm... 135 00:07:24,487 --> 00:07:28,241 And, er, Cairns. (Australian accent) How do l say Cairns? 136 00:07:28,287 --> 00:07:30,164 (Alan) Kiiins. (Stephen) Oh, Kiiins. 137 00:07:30,207 --> 00:07:32,960 - Canberra, Canberra. - "Kiiinbruh". 138 00:07:33,007 --> 00:07:35,396 Er, Charleston. How are you going to say Charleston 139 00:07:35,447 --> 00:07:38,519 - in your best Southern Belle accent? - Charstnn. 140 00:07:38,567 --> 00:07:42,355 - Charrstnnn. - lt's like a drunk aunt, isn't he? 141 00:07:42,407 --> 00:07:44,443 Erm, and... 142 00:07:44,487 --> 00:07:45,886 and Crewe. 143 00:07:45,927 --> 00:07:48,521 - Crewe. - (Stephen) Crewe, right. 144 00:07:48,567 --> 00:07:50,603 Do they have, when you go into Crewe, 145 00:07:50,647 --> 00:07:54,765 is there a sign that says twinned with a crater on Mars? 146 00:07:55,887 --> 00:07:59,118 Was that photo taken from the moon, or is that taken from Mars? 147 00:07:59,167 --> 00:08:01,442 Cos the earth's probably too big, isn't it? 148 00:08:01,487 --> 00:08:04,684 Well, it could be a graphic image, and if it is a graphic image, 149 00:08:04,727 --> 00:08:09,642 whenever you see on the news graphic representations of Mars, it usually says, 150 00:08:09,687 --> 00:08:13,805 "courtesy NASA JPL", jet propulsion lab. 151 00:08:13,847 --> 00:08:17,760 But by a weird coincidence that only happens in the land of Ql, 152 00:08:17,807 --> 00:08:21,243 the name of the senior graphic programmer at NASA 153 00:08:21,287 --> 00:08:26,680 is Corby Waste. That is his name. 154 00:08:27,287 --> 00:08:30,085 We're all gonna live on Mars in the end. 155 00:08:30,127 --> 00:08:31,401 Are we? 156 00:08:33,407 --> 00:08:35,398 Are you sure about that? 157 00:08:35,447 --> 00:08:36,846 (Bill) Yeah. 158 00:08:36,887 --> 00:08:42,120 That 1950s boys' adventure book isn't necessarily the truth. 159 00:08:42,167 --> 00:08:45,955 l didn't get it from there. l got it from Channel 5. 160 00:08:46,007 --> 00:08:48,237 - Open your desk. - (Alan) They said the sun... 161 00:08:48,287 --> 00:08:50,562 (Bill) Wait a minute, you can get Channel 5? 162 00:08:50,607 --> 00:08:52,598 - (Stephen) That is you. - That's me? 163 00:08:52,647 --> 00:08:54,763 (Stephen) That's an Alan Potato Head. 164 00:08:56,727 --> 00:08:59,002 (Stephen) l don't know. 165 00:09:00,087 --> 00:09:03,124 l watched this documentary and they said, eventually the sun will explode 166 00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:06,364 or implode or something, and everything will be gone. 167 00:09:06,407 --> 00:09:09,080 - (Stephen) That won't help Mars, will it? - lncluding earth. 168 00:09:09,127 --> 00:09:11,118 On the way out we have to stop at Mars. 169 00:09:11,167 --> 00:09:14,796 Oh, l thought you meant there was a services there. 170 00:09:14,847 --> 00:09:19,637 There'll be someone trying to get you to join the RAC in the car park. 171 00:09:21,087 --> 00:09:24,124 Humans will leave this planet, Stephen, they will. 172 00:09:24,167 --> 00:09:27,125 The wise one has spoken, ladies and gentlemen. 173 00:09:28,007 --> 00:09:31,920 There we were in space, near Mars, on the crater Corby. 174 00:09:31,967 --> 00:09:35,243 Now, porridge was invented, in fact, in China. 175 00:09:35,287 --> 00:09:39,166 The city of Qian'an, spelt queue-ee-nan, 176 00:09:39,207 --> 00:09:40,959 but pronounced "chinan", in China, 177 00:09:41,007 --> 00:09:44,283 is about the same size as Corby, you can see it behind us, 178 00:09:44,327 --> 00:09:48,718 and is also, by coincidence, the site of one of the country's largest steelworks. 179 00:09:48,767 --> 00:09:53,716 But what quite interesting material do they make their houses from? 180 00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:58,522 - (# Shrill singing) - (Stephen) Yes? 181 00:09:58,567 --> 00:10:01,365 l don't know, is it dinosaur eggs? 182 00:10:06,527 --> 00:10:10,361 l'm almost inclined to tear up the real answer and say yes, but... 183 00:10:10,407 --> 00:10:13,638 - Oh, cos l've got one. - A Chinese dinosaur egg? 184 00:10:13,687 --> 00:10:16,963 Yes, it was a birthday present from my wife. 185 00:10:17,007 --> 00:10:21,319 Every evening, Bill, four hours on the egg, just in case. 186 00:10:23,287 --> 00:10:25,357 l'm thinking about taking it abroad, you know. 187 00:10:25,407 --> 00:10:29,002 Taking it through the airport, you know, see if l can get it scanned for free, 188 00:10:29,047 --> 00:10:31,038 just put it through. 189 00:10:32,487 --> 00:10:35,445 And somebody goes, "My God! What the?" 190 00:10:35,487 --> 00:10:38,638 l thought of doing that when the tortoise was ill. 191 00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:43,275 lt's a stone, it's fossil, obviously it's stone, 192 00:10:43,327 --> 00:10:45,795 l thought it was askull at first, when l opened it, 193 00:10:45,847 --> 00:10:49,317 l thought, "That's a bit of a weird present, but, er, l'll go along with it." 194 00:10:49,367 --> 00:10:51,597 "Yeah, great!" 195 00:10:51,647 --> 00:10:54,241 And they're huge and they make very good building blocks. 196 00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:57,120 Well, it wasn't as gibberingly drivellingly stupid an answer 197 00:10:57,167 --> 00:11:00,477 - as it first sounded, was it? - (Bill) No. 198 00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:03,246 No, it's not that, it is a very famous Chinese thing 199 00:11:03,287 --> 00:11:05,437 - that these houses are constructed of. - (Alan) Bamboo. 200 00:11:05,487 --> 00:11:10,003 - (Alarm) - Oh dear, not bamboo, no. 201 00:11:10,047 --> 00:11:12,322 - Oh, oh, oh! Sir, sir! - (Gong) 202 00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:14,562 Bootleg Coldplay CDs. 203 00:11:20,967 --> 00:11:22,559 - lt's not. - (Alan) Bits of the Great Wall. 204 00:11:22,607 --> 00:11:26,486 (Stephen) Yes, it's the right answer, help yourself to ten points, absolutely right. 205 00:11:26,527 --> 00:11:29,087 (Bill) Oh, well. Well done. 206 00:11:31,327 --> 00:11:33,522 Yeah, it's a rather sad thing, this Great Wall of China, 207 00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:36,081 it's disappearing, there's only 20 per cent of it left. 208 00:11:36,127 --> 00:11:37,685 (Phill) Where has it gone? 209 00:11:37,727 --> 00:11:40,321 Well, people have just cut bits off to build pigsties 210 00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:43,006 and walled barns, and farmers just take bits, 211 00:11:43,047 --> 00:11:44,639 cos it's handy material. 212 00:11:44,687 --> 00:11:47,360 The Gobi desert is encroaching upon the Great Wall. 213 00:11:47,407 --> 00:11:49,045 (Alan) ls it? (Stephen) Yeah, unfortunately. 214 00:11:49,087 --> 00:11:52,397 - How rude. - (Stephen) l know, l know. 215 00:11:52,447 --> 00:11:54,244 (Bill) How does a desert encroach? 216 00:11:54,287 --> 00:11:57,962 Sort of like, you sort of look away and then... 217 00:11:59,447 --> 00:12:03,235 (Stephen) lt plays grandmother's footsteps. 218 00:12:03,287 --> 00:12:05,642 l'm sure that wasn't there, anyway... 219 00:12:05,687 --> 00:12:08,042 lt's the same way you get the armrest on a train. 220 00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:16,364 They should convert it into flats or something, you know, something useful. 221 00:12:16,407 --> 00:12:19,080 - (Stephen) Wouldn't that be brilliant? - lf they converted it into flats, look, 222 00:12:19,127 --> 00:12:22,676 it's thick enough for flats, you just need to knock a few windows either side, 223 00:12:22,727 --> 00:12:26,356 and you could probably have, four or five hundred thousand flats all the way along, 224 00:12:26,407 --> 00:12:30,161 and then people would look after their own bit with window boxes and everything. 225 00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:35,361 Or a retail opportunity, the Great Mall of China would probably do it. 226 00:12:35,407 --> 00:12:39,480 But, no. But there you are. 227 00:12:39,527 --> 00:12:43,156 Points all round to everybody who deserves them, and none to those who don't. 228 00:12:43,207 --> 00:12:47,723 Now, what do we have Thomas Crapper to thank for? 229 00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:50,839 (All) Yes... 230 00:12:50,887 --> 00:12:53,162 You're so wary these days. 231 00:12:53,207 --> 00:12:55,198 Come on, you're a new boy, David, yes. 232 00:12:55,247 --> 00:12:57,681 He invented the flush lavatory. 233 00:12:57,727 --> 00:12:59,797 - (Alarm) - Ah! 234 00:13:01,087 --> 00:13:03,726 My mother and family thank you for saying lavatory and not toilet, 235 00:13:03,767 --> 00:13:07,157 but it's not true. The Chinese did, of course. Who else? 236 00:13:07,207 --> 00:13:10,517 - But he did invent the ball cock. - Ball cock. 237 00:13:10,567 --> 00:13:13,764 The ball... cock. 238 00:13:16,687 --> 00:13:19,599 Sorry, l don't know why that's funny, it just is. 239 00:13:19,647 --> 00:13:23,242 Sorry, but it's funny to say ball... cock. 240 00:13:23,287 --> 00:13:25,437 So, er... 241 00:13:25,487 --> 00:13:29,162 Yes, l learnt at the University of Rowan Atkinson, me. 242 00:13:29,207 --> 00:13:33,359 Anyway, yes, 206 BC there was a flush lavatory 243 00:13:33,407 --> 00:13:36,001 - from the Han dynasty. - Bet it wasn't any good. 244 00:13:36,047 --> 00:13:38,880 l bet we're talking about a bucket on a shelf 245 00:13:38,927 --> 00:13:41,521 that you poke with a stick, aren't we, and it falls on you? 246 00:13:41,567 --> 00:13:45,116 lt had a seat, an armrest and a system of pipes for flushing. 247 00:13:45,167 --> 00:13:51,402 But the weird thing is, the verb "to crap" was used as early as 1846, 248 00:13:51,447 --> 00:13:54,120 and Crapper was born in 1836, 249 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,442 so it's a kind of coincidence. 250 00:13:56,487 --> 00:14:00,275 Or maybe it's something called nominative determinism, 251 00:14:00,327 --> 00:14:03,160 which is where if you're called Mr Bun, 252 00:14:03,207 --> 00:14:05,482 it increases your chances of becoming a baker. 253 00:14:05,527 --> 00:14:07,245 (David) That's why you run that caff. 254 00:14:07,287 --> 00:14:10,484 That's why l run a fish and chip shop on the side. 255 00:14:10,527 --> 00:14:12,404 - Thank you. - (Applause) 256 00:14:14,167 --> 00:14:19,116 Excellent, well, the flush toilet, invented in China. 257 00:14:19,167 --> 00:14:21,806 The Chinese also invented loo paper. 258 00:14:21,847 --> 00:14:25,726 Now name three more Chinese inventions, that's all you have to do. 259 00:14:25,767 --> 00:14:27,598 (Alan) Pot Noodle. 260 00:14:30,327 --> 00:14:31,999 (Bill) Whispers. 261 00:14:37,207 --> 00:14:40,244 (Stephen) Very good. (Alan) Chess. 262 00:14:40,287 --> 00:14:43,359 (Stephen) Chess is good. (Alan) Acupuncture. 263 00:14:43,407 --> 00:14:45,716 - Acupuncture's obviously very much one. - (David) Fireworks. 264 00:14:45,767 --> 00:14:49,680 - Fireworks, good one. - Little tinfoil cartons with a cardboard lid. 265 00:14:52,287 --> 00:14:54,278 But things they didn't invent are quite interesting. 266 00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:57,558 They didn't invent the rickshaw, an American invented the rickshaw. 267 00:14:57,607 --> 00:14:59,802 Chop suey is an American invention. 268 00:14:59,847 --> 00:15:02,236 Was the rickshaw invented by a bloke called Rick Shaw? 269 00:15:02,287 --> 00:15:04,596 - (Stephen) That would be good. - That would be great, cos you grow up 270 00:15:04,647 --> 00:15:06,638 to do what your name is, you know. 271 00:15:06,687 --> 00:15:08,598 His name was Jonathan Scobie. 272 00:15:08,647 --> 00:15:11,957 Oh, l'd much rather be pulled around on a Scobie. 273 00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:14,845 Fortune cookies are also American. 274 00:15:14,887 --> 00:15:17,447 l wish they'd be a bit more honest. You know, snap, 275 00:15:17,487 --> 00:15:22,197 "With the amount of MSG you've just had, a massive coronary is moments away." 276 00:15:23,367 --> 00:15:26,598 Do you know why MSG was developed? Monosodium glutamate. 277 00:15:26,647 --> 00:15:27,966 - Why it was? - (Stephen) Yeah. 278 00:15:28,007 --> 00:15:30,601 - Do you know about umami? - Umami? 279 00:15:30,647 --> 00:15:33,241 (David) Oh, it's the other flavour. (Stephen) lt's the other flavour. 280 00:15:33,287 --> 00:15:34,879 There's salt, sour, 281 00:15:34,927 --> 00:15:37,202 - bitter and sweet and umami. - (Phill) Umami? 282 00:15:37,247 --> 00:15:39,761 - Yes, umami. Not uvavu... - ls that the noise you make 283 00:15:39,807 --> 00:15:43,686 when you eat it? "Ooh, Mammy!" 284 00:15:46,807 --> 00:15:50,720 They say you have it in... Parmesan cheese has umami, 285 00:15:50,767 --> 00:15:53,486 that meaty savouriness called umami. 286 00:15:53,527 --> 00:15:55,757 Would a Scotch egg have umami? 287 00:15:55,807 --> 00:15:58,765 ln that gas that it releases when you bite through, you know, 288 00:15:58,807 --> 00:16:02,197 we don't know what it is, it doesn't occur naturally in the atmosphere. 289 00:16:02,247 --> 00:16:06,525 lt's the gas between egg and sausage in a Scotch egg. 290 00:16:06,567 --> 00:16:09,843 lt's a bit like the dry-roast peanut gas, isn't it? 291 00:16:09,887 --> 00:16:14,278 They have a man at Golden Wonder, farts in a bag for you. 292 00:16:17,327 --> 00:16:20,205 Real Chinese inventions include the abacus, chess, 293 00:16:20,247 --> 00:16:22,238 the decimal system, drilling for oil, fireworks, 294 00:16:22,287 --> 00:16:24,164 the fishing reel, flame-thrower, 295 00:16:24,207 --> 00:16:27,517 the helicopter, the horse collar, the iron plough, lacquer, 296 00:16:27,567 --> 00:16:29,364 the mechanical clock, hot-air balloons, 297 00:16:29,407 --> 00:16:31,443 negative numbers, the parachute, printmaking, relief maps, 298 00:16:31,487 --> 00:16:34,285 rudders, seismographs, stirrups, the suspension bridge, 299 00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:37,285 the umbrella, the water pump and whisky. 300 00:16:37,327 --> 00:16:43,721 Now, what was the name of the Dalmatian that discovered China? 301 00:16:43,767 --> 00:16:46,281 - (David) ls it Marco Polo? - Yes, Marco Polo. 302 00:16:46,327 --> 00:16:50,400 - l thought that might have been a... - Very good, well done. 303 00:16:53,127 --> 00:16:57,564 He came from Dalmatia, he was born probably Marco Pilic, 304 00:16:57,607 --> 00:16:59,086 or Marko Pili, which means? 305 00:16:59,127 --> 00:17:01,402 Chicken, Mark Chicken was his name. 306 00:17:01,447 --> 00:17:03,881 A lot of people thought he was Dalmatian, he was actually lrish. 307 00:17:03,927 --> 00:17:07,237 He was "Mark O'Polo. Hello!" 308 00:17:07,287 --> 00:17:11,246 l was in a pub quiz team once, very much making up the numbers... 309 00:17:11,287 --> 00:17:13,084 No, no. 310 00:17:13,127 --> 00:17:15,561 My friends were in this team and they were in a pub in Kennington 311 00:17:15,607 --> 00:17:19,077 and they were coming from Croydon. Anyway, they got lost and they were late, 312 00:17:19,127 --> 00:17:22,642 and one of them said, "Cor, l feel like Marco Polo coming up here." 313 00:17:22,687 --> 00:17:25,360 And l said, "Who's that, then?" 314 00:17:26,167 --> 00:17:28,635 And they all looked at me... l was joking, l know who it is, 315 00:17:28,687 --> 00:17:30,757 l just thought it would be funny, as a pub quiz team, 316 00:17:30,807 --> 00:17:34,322 be funny to say, "Who's that, then?" 317 00:17:35,327 --> 00:17:37,602 There was a deathly hush. 318 00:17:38,407 --> 00:17:40,398 l bet they're in despair watching this show. 319 00:17:40,447 --> 00:17:42,119 (Stephen) Yes. 320 00:17:44,327 --> 00:17:48,639 Wouldn't it be great to walk into a pub with him, though, with Fry on your team. 321 00:17:48,687 --> 00:17:52,521 "Yeah, and this is Barry from down the road. Yeah, he does look like him." 322 00:17:54,247 --> 00:17:56,602 And Fry would be there having to fake his way in the pub. 323 00:17:56,647 --> 00:17:58,638 "Oh, blimey." 324 00:18:02,567 --> 00:18:05,684 (Bill) Giving it away by swearing in Latin. 325 00:18:07,767 --> 00:18:09,678 (Stephen) Ahhh... 326 00:18:09,727 --> 00:18:13,083 Mastemone! Mastemone! 327 00:18:13,127 --> 00:18:14,799 So, anyway, hasting on, 328 00:18:14,847 --> 00:18:17,281 Marco Polo, otherwise known as Marko Pilic, 329 00:18:17,327 --> 00:18:21,366 was born in Korcula in Dalmatia in 1254, 330 00:18:21,407 --> 00:18:23,443 then a protectorate of Venice, which of course, 331 00:18:23,487 --> 00:18:25,523 sticking like porridge to our C theme, 332 00:18:25,567 --> 00:18:27,922 made him a Croatian. 333 00:18:27,967 --> 00:18:30,640 Now a group of Croatian mercenaries invented something 334 00:18:30,687 --> 00:18:34,077 which no successful Chinese businessman, or any other kind of businessman, 335 00:18:34,127 --> 00:18:37,164 - would want to be without. What is it? - (Alan) The attaché case. 336 00:18:37,207 --> 00:18:38,686 (Bill) Attaché case. 337 00:18:38,727 --> 00:18:41,560 Do you know, l mean, you're not a million miles away. 338 00:18:41,607 --> 00:18:43,757 (Bill) The mini bar. 339 00:18:45,447 --> 00:18:46,846 Well, that's a little further away. 340 00:18:46,887 --> 00:18:50,197 (Alan) Five minutes freeview on your hotel porn. 341 00:18:50,247 --> 00:18:51,919 That should be enough, shouldn't it? 342 00:18:51,967 --> 00:18:54,481 - (Bill) Not the trouser press? - (Alarm) 343 00:18:54,527 --> 00:18:57,280 Who said? What? He? Who? Trouser press, did you say? 344 00:18:57,327 --> 00:19:00,876 Oh dear. He said it... (mumbles)... like that. 345 00:19:00,927 --> 00:19:03,760 (Alan) No businessman would want to be without it. 346 00:19:03,807 --> 00:19:05,479 - The tie. - (Stephen) A tie, yes. 347 00:19:05,527 --> 00:19:06,960 - ls it? - (Stephen) Yes. 348 00:19:07,007 --> 00:19:09,077 - The Croatians invented the tie. - (Applause) 349 00:19:09,127 --> 00:19:11,118 Fantastic. 350 00:19:13,607 --> 00:19:16,917 Yep. The Croatian for Croatia is "Hrvat"... 351 00:19:16,967 --> 00:19:19,197 (Alan) Hang on a minute, who's that? 352 00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:22,761 That's not a businessman. 353 00:19:24,607 --> 00:19:27,565 Well, the Croatian for Croatia is "Hrvat". 354 00:19:27,607 --> 00:19:31,236 From which the word cravat comes from, exactly. 355 00:19:31,287 --> 00:19:33,926 Cravat is Croat in fact. 356 00:19:33,967 --> 00:19:36,117 And yes, in the court of Louis Xlll of France, 357 00:19:36,167 --> 00:19:39,239 there were Croatian mercenaries who wore this neckgear, 358 00:19:39,287 --> 00:19:41,005 which the French courtiers thought was rather... 359 00:19:41,047 --> 00:19:43,845 (French accent) Oh, l will wear this also, and... 360 00:19:43,887 --> 00:19:46,799 (French accent) Did they not speak in their own language? 361 00:19:47,927 --> 00:19:50,760 They spoke in a crazy French accent. 362 00:19:52,647 --> 00:19:56,242 What kind of mercenary wears a cravat? 363 00:19:59,247 --> 00:20:02,762 (Effeminate) "Gimme me your money, l'll fight your war." 364 00:20:05,087 --> 00:20:07,521 How many ways do you think there are to tie a tie? 365 00:20:07,567 --> 00:20:10,320 - How many different knots? - There are hundreds. 366 00:20:10,367 --> 00:20:12,358 l know from the Cub Scouts there's at least 24. 367 00:20:12,407 --> 00:20:16,195 - There's something like 283 ways. - No, it was only 85 different knots. 368 00:20:16,247 --> 00:20:18,556 The four well-known ones, the standard one, 369 00:20:18,607 --> 00:20:20,484 the Windsor, the half-Windsor and... 370 00:20:20,527 --> 00:20:23,439 - (Alan) And the footballer. - The footballer, yes. 371 00:20:23,487 --> 00:20:26,399 lt's somehow wider than their head. 372 00:20:27,807 --> 00:20:30,640 Modelled by Frank Lampard. 373 00:20:30,687 --> 00:20:32,200 So, erm, ties. 374 00:20:32,247 --> 00:20:35,444 Now we know, of course, that Croatia really means "tie land". 375 00:20:35,487 --> 00:20:37,478 Ho-ho, do you see? 376 00:20:38,607 --> 00:20:41,804 Another prerequisite, of course, aside from ties, for modern commerce 377 00:20:41,847 --> 00:20:44,156 is a regular dosage of caffeine. 378 00:20:44,207 --> 00:20:47,756 Can you tell me what are coffee tights? 379 00:20:47,807 --> 00:20:51,277 - Hmm, coffee tights? - Coffee tights. 380 00:20:51,327 --> 00:20:53,921 Maybe a prudish person might place them 381 00:20:53,967 --> 00:20:57,403 over the legs of a coffee table? 382 00:20:59,847 --> 00:21:03,237 Coffee tights, it's, erm... it's women's... 383 00:21:03,287 --> 00:21:06,165 it's some sort of ludicrous treatment, isn't it, 384 00:21:06,207 --> 00:21:09,597 - for their fat cellulite treatment. - (Stephen) You're absolutely right. 385 00:21:09,647 --> 00:21:12,719 A pair of tights made of coffee, 386 00:21:12,767 --> 00:21:15,645 as it were, or at least with caffeine in them. 387 00:21:15,687 --> 00:21:18,520 (David) Are there going to be other items of clothing made out of liquid, 388 00:21:18,567 --> 00:21:21,718 like custard socks, or... 389 00:21:21,767 --> 00:21:24,122 or a nice... a vodka hat? 390 00:21:24,167 --> 00:21:28,240 Custard socks, now you've said custard socks, l want them now. 391 00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:32,519 Well, you can't have any custard socks till you've put on your gravy cardie. 392 00:21:33,847 --> 00:21:37,203 Body heat releases caffeine micro-capsules into the skin, 393 00:21:37,247 --> 00:21:40,637 much as a nicotine patch releases nicotine into the skin. 394 00:21:40,687 --> 00:21:42,962 lt apparently increases the metabolism of the legs, 395 00:21:43,007 --> 00:21:46,761 supposedly, so that you lose, as you say, cellulite, that orange-peel look. 396 00:21:46,807 --> 00:21:50,846 Yeah, decaf coffee tights, they're just tights. 397 00:21:55,567 --> 00:22:00,243 lt does seem unlikely that slipping on a pair of tights is gonna dissolve a fat arse. 398 00:22:01,087 --> 00:22:03,123 At least it'll stop your leg going to sleep. 399 00:22:03,167 --> 00:22:05,397 (Stephen) Yeah, it would... 400 00:22:05,447 --> 00:22:09,599 Very good. Excellent. 401 00:22:09,647 --> 00:22:12,400 Let's burn off some of those unsightly points now 402 00:22:12,447 --> 00:22:16,122 by slipping into some thermal forfeits, shall we? 403 00:22:16,167 --> 00:22:19,796 ln Chinese, Ql is pronounced "chi", 404 00:22:19,847 --> 00:22:22,884 and you probably know the word, it means "the life force". 405 00:22:22,927 --> 00:22:24,679 The Ql, the "chi". 406 00:22:24,727 --> 00:22:26,285 The Korean for that is Gl, 407 00:22:26,327 --> 00:22:28,522 which of course stands happily for General lgnorance, 408 00:22:28,567 --> 00:22:32,446 which is where we're going now, so fingers on buzzers, please. 409 00:22:32,487 --> 00:22:34,603 Who is this? 410 00:22:34,647 --> 00:22:37,798 - Eros. - (Alarm) 411 00:22:39,047 --> 00:22:43,882 Yeah, well, thank you for falling into our little heffalump trap there. 412 00:22:43,927 --> 00:22:47,283 lt's actually the angel of Christian charity. 413 00:22:47,327 --> 00:22:49,363 Eros. 414 00:22:49,407 --> 00:22:51,363 Eros was the Greek god of love, 415 00:22:51,407 --> 00:22:53,477 this is the angel of Christian charity. 416 00:22:53,527 --> 00:22:56,041 Why's it called Eros, then? 417 00:22:56,087 --> 00:22:59,443 Because people mistakenly thought it was Eros cos it has a bow and arrow. 418 00:22:59,487 --> 00:23:02,399 Eros is Greek for Cupid, and they thought it was like Cupid's dart. 419 00:23:02,447 --> 00:23:05,564 Originally the arrow pointed up a particular avenue 420 00:23:05,607 --> 00:23:07,677 - and the idea was the... - (Alan) Shaft. 421 00:23:07,727 --> 00:23:10,161 lt was bearing its shaft up Shaftesbury Avenue, 422 00:23:10,207 --> 00:23:13,244 which was named after Lord Shaftesbury, Ashley-Cooper, 423 00:23:13,287 --> 00:23:15,642 - (David) l know who he was. - Tell em who he was. 424 00:23:15,687 --> 00:23:18,724 He was the bloke that passed all those acts in the 19th century 425 00:23:18,767 --> 00:23:21,679 to stop children having to work 95 hours a week. 426 00:23:21,727 --> 00:23:23,524 Exactly right. 427 00:23:23,567 --> 00:23:27,116 lt was a first, that particular statue. Do you know why? 428 00:23:27,167 --> 00:23:30,364 (Bill) The first one on one leg. (Stephen) No, not that. 429 00:23:30,407 --> 00:23:32,398 The material we're after. 430 00:23:32,447 --> 00:23:36,406 - Bronze, copper, metal, steel, wood. - lt's metal certainly, not wood. 431 00:23:36,447 --> 00:23:39,803 That wouldn't be the first wooden or metal statue, would it? 432 00:23:39,847 --> 00:23:42,407 (David) Aluminum. (Stephen) There you are, take five points 433 00:23:42,447 --> 00:23:45,519 - young David Mitchell, very good indeed. - l know something about, erm, 434 00:23:45,567 --> 00:23:48,035 statues of military personnel. 435 00:23:48,087 --> 00:23:50,396 - Yes? - (Alan) On horseback. 436 00:23:50,447 --> 00:23:52,836 lf they're up on their hind legs like that, 437 00:23:52,887 --> 00:23:55,799 it means they died in battle, 438 00:23:55,847 --> 00:24:00,443 and if they've got one leg up, it means they died on service, but not in a battle, 439 00:24:00,487 --> 00:24:04,560 and if they've got all four down, it means they just died after, years later. 440 00:24:04,607 --> 00:24:07,280 (Stephen) ls that really true? lt sounds true. (Alan) lt's really true. 441 00:24:07,327 --> 00:24:09,636 l shall have the little elves, the Ql elves... 442 00:24:09,687 --> 00:24:14,203 Oh, they're flashing me now. "This is an urban myth and not true," it says there. 443 00:24:15,327 --> 00:24:17,477 They're very quick. 444 00:24:20,127 --> 00:24:23,039 lt feels like everything that l know is wrong. 445 00:24:23,087 --> 00:24:24,440 (Stephen) Oh, l'm so sorry. 446 00:24:24,487 --> 00:24:28,366 ls that Socrates? Did he say that? Or am l the first? 447 00:24:28,407 --> 00:24:30,398 That's what comes when you acquire your knowledge 448 00:24:30,447 --> 00:24:33,484 - by overhearing blokes in pubs - (Stephen) Yes. 449 00:24:33,527 --> 00:24:35,882 lt is a general rule that if any fact given you 450 00:24:35,927 --> 00:24:39,522 starts with the word "apparently", it is always untrue. 451 00:24:39,567 --> 00:24:43,845 Apparently, right, the ClA can control gravity. 452 00:24:45,167 --> 00:24:50,321 While on the subject of the ClA, where does the name America come from? 453 00:24:50,367 --> 00:24:51,436 (Gong) 454 00:24:51,487 --> 00:24:54,843 Watch me crash and burn with Amerigo Vespucci. 455 00:24:54,887 --> 00:24:56,843 - (Alarm) - (Stephen) Thank you for that. 456 00:24:56,887 --> 00:24:59,685 Yes, many, many have believed this is true, 457 00:24:59,727 --> 00:25:06,200 but current research shows that it's actually named after a Welshman, in fact, called? 458 00:25:06,247 --> 00:25:08,283 (Phill) Dai America. 459 00:25:12,927 --> 00:25:18,126 No, Richard Amerike, probably meaning son of Maurice, ap Merik. 460 00:25:18,167 --> 00:25:21,000 Not everyone believes this theory, but it is quite convincing. 461 00:25:21,047 --> 00:25:23,720 One of the reasons it's not convincing that it was Amerigo Vespucci 462 00:25:23,767 --> 00:25:26,725 is that countries were never named after somebody's Christian name, 463 00:25:26,767 --> 00:25:30,555 unless they were Royal, like Prince Edward lsland or Victoria or something, 464 00:25:30,607 --> 00:25:34,156 but otherwise it's Cook lslands and it's all those, Magellan Straits, 465 00:25:34,207 --> 00:25:35,799 - it's always the surname - (Bill) Abel Tasman. 466 00:25:35,847 --> 00:25:39,601 Exactly, Van Diemen's Land, so it should be Vespuccia, 467 00:25:39,647 --> 00:25:41,319 if it were to be named after him. 468 00:25:41,367 --> 00:25:43,562 John Cabot, who was the first European to set foot 469 00:25:43,607 --> 00:25:46,724 on what we now consider mainland United States, 470 00:25:46,767 --> 00:25:48,803 was commissioned by this man Amerike, 471 00:25:48,847 --> 00:25:50,758 who probably had his name on the map, 472 00:25:50,807 --> 00:25:54,004 and it would have been known as Amerike's Land, and then America. 473 00:25:54,047 --> 00:25:57,357 - So it's a Welsh name. - Evans the Country. 474 00:25:58,607 --> 00:26:01,679 Talking of which, who was the first President of America? 475 00:26:01,727 --> 00:26:03,046 (Alan) Washington. (Phill) Oh, another trap. 476 00:26:03,087 --> 00:26:07,000 - (Alarm) - (Stephen) Oh, no. 477 00:26:07,047 --> 00:26:09,845 Surprisingly not. No, he was probably the 15th. 478 00:26:09,887 --> 00:26:11,605 - (Alan) Was he? - He was the first president 479 00:26:11,647 --> 00:26:13,956 of an independent United States of America, 480 00:26:14,007 --> 00:26:16,840 but there have been many presidents of United States 481 00:26:16,887 --> 00:26:18,479 in Congress Assembled, 482 00:26:18,527 --> 00:26:21,564 presidents of the Continental Congress of America, 483 00:26:21,607 --> 00:26:25,646 and the first one was called Randolph, Peyton Randolph. 484 00:26:25,687 --> 00:26:27,757 The second one was called John Hancock. 485 00:26:27,807 --> 00:26:30,719 And what does John Hancock mean, fingers on buzzers quickly, 486 00:26:30,767 --> 00:26:32,325 - if you're an American? - (# Harp flourish) 487 00:26:32,367 --> 00:26:34,881 - (Stephen) Oh, you got there, David. - lt means a signature. 488 00:26:34,927 --> 00:26:38,124 Yes, l was just very alarmed when l first went to America 489 00:26:38,167 --> 00:26:42,080 and was told to put... l just heard "Put your John Hancock on there." 490 00:26:43,527 --> 00:26:46,599 My what, where? "Just put your John Hancock down." 491 00:26:46,647 --> 00:26:48,797 Whoa! But that's what it means, they use it all the time. 492 00:26:48,847 --> 00:26:51,884 Well, it's the reason being is that on the Declaration of lndependence, 493 00:26:51,927 --> 00:26:54,487 they all signed it and everyone went sort of, 494 00:26:54,527 --> 00:26:57,360 "Da da da, that's me." Hancock came along... 495 00:26:57,407 --> 00:27:00,763 "John! Hancock!" 496 00:27:00,807 --> 00:27:04,004 You can actually see it from space. 497 00:27:04,047 --> 00:27:08,245 But you're right, his is the big signature on the Declaration of lndependence. 498 00:27:08,287 --> 00:27:10,642 So there you are. There were 13 others after Peyton, 499 00:27:10,687 --> 00:27:15,715 and then on 30th April 1789 George Washington was sworn in 500 00:27:15,767 --> 00:27:19,123 as the first president of the independent United States. 501 00:27:19,167 --> 00:27:21,635 lt's time for the scores. 502 00:27:21,687 --> 00:27:25,521 ln first place, with a very impressive nought, 503 00:27:25,567 --> 00:27:28,035 it's David Mitchell, ladies and gentlemen. 504 00:27:32,847 --> 00:27:35,759 ln second place, with minus eight, Bill Bailey. 505 00:27:35,807 --> 00:27:37,843 Ooh, minus eight. 506 00:27:39,567 --> 00:27:42,718 And in third place with minus nine is Phill Jupitus. 507 00:27:46,367 --> 00:27:48,244 And in fourth place with minus 14, 508 00:27:48,287 --> 00:27:51,040 Alan Davies, congratulations. 509 00:27:58,207 --> 00:28:01,916 Well, that is "wan an" from another edition of "chi", 510 00:28:01,967 --> 00:28:04,322 so my thanks to Phill, David, Bill, Alan, 511 00:28:04,367 --> 00:28:07,882 and the people and naturally the trousers of Corby. 512 00:28:07,927 --> 00:28:10,521 Finally, to another city with cosmic connections, 513 00:28:10,567 --> 00:28:14,321 a man recently went into one of the largest bookshops in Manchester 514 00:28:14,367 --> 00:28:16,801 and strode up to the counter in the cartographic department, 515 00:28:16,847 --> 00:28:19,725 "Do you have any globes?" he said. 516 00:28:19,767 --> 00:28:22,565 "Over there on the shelf, sir," the assistant replied. 517 00:28:22,607 --> 00:28:25,167 "No," he said, "These are all of the world, 518 00:28:25,207 --> 00:28:27,402 "l want a globe of Salford." 519 00:28:29,247 --> 00:28:31,044 Zaijian! Goodbye. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net