1 00:00:22,767 --> 00:00:25,839 (Applause) 2 00:00:33,487 --> 00:00:36,365 Well, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, 3 00:00:36,407 --> 00:00:40,082 and welcome to another edition of Ql, where tonight, 4 00:00:40,127 --> 00:00:43,005 as l hope you can sense, we are in party mood. 5 00:00:43,047 --> 00:00:46,244 And joining me in the big top for carnival capers are, 6 00:00:46,287 --> 00:00:49,916 - Phill Jupitus. - (Applause) 7 00:00:49,967 --> 00:00:52,800 - Clive Anderson. - (Applause) 8 00:00:52,847 --> 00:00:55,759 - Jo Brand. - (Applause) 9 00:00:55,807 --> 00:01:00,198 - and Alan Davies - (Applause) 10 00:01:02,407 --> 00:01:04,125 Well, my little comic troupe, 11 00:01:04,167 --> 00:01:08,365 let's hear your amusing, crazy, clowny noises. 12 00:01:08,407 --> 00:01:12,002 (# Entrance Of The Gladiators) 13 00:01:12,927 --> 00:01:18,877 - And Clive goes... - (Drum roll, cymbal, splash, fanfare) 14 00:01:18,927 --> 00:01:20,326 (Stephen) Excellent! 15 00:01:20,367 --> 00:01:24,519 - Jo goes... - (Party blowers) 16 00:01:24,567 --> 00:01:29,641 (Stephen) And Alan... (Laughing Policeman) 17 00:01:29,687 --> 00:01:32,679 Each of the panel also has, l believe, a swazzle, 18 00:01:32,727 --> 00:01:35,036 a small device used by professors of Punch and Judy 19 00:01:35,087 --> 00:01:36,839 and what do they say with it? 20 00:01:36,887 --> 00:01:41,165 (Clive blowing swazzle) (Stephen) Oh, very good. 21 00:01:41,207 --> 00:01:47,965 (Blows swazzle) 22 00:01:48,007 --> 00:01:49,725 (Alan) Which way does it go? 23 00:01:49,767 --> 00:01:52,156 (Choking) 24 00:01:56,007 --> 00:02:02,765 (Laughing sounds) 25 00:02:12,127 --> 00:02:15,961 Now you've also each got a joker and you will find it has a squirrel on it, 26 00:02:16,007 --> 00:02:18,396 so, when you think the right answer 27 00:02:18,447 --> 00:02:22,645 to any question this evening is "squirrel" or anything to do with squirrels, 28 00:02:22,687 --> 00:02:24,837 you press your buzzer, you play the card, 29 00:02:24,887 --> 00:02:26,764 and you shout "squirrels", all right? 30 00:02:26,807 --> 00:02:28,479 (Phill) With our swazzles Stephen? 31 00:02:28,527 --> 00:02:30,119 Without swazzles, without... 32 00:02:30,167 --> 00:02:33,000 No, no, don't shout squirrel with a swazzle, you'll swallow it. 33 00:02:33,047 --> 00:02:34,799 (Clive) That's impossible. 34 00:02:34,847 --> 00:02:37,645 (Stephen) Now... lf you want to do that it will take time... 35 00:02:37,687 --> 00:02:42,158 (Phill and Alan blow swazzles) 36 00:02:42,207 --> 00:02:44,880 lf you don't take your swazzles out very soon, l will kill you. 37 00:02:44,927 --> 00:02:46,918 - (Laughter) - Thank you. 38 00:02:46,967 --> 00:02:49,765 (Contrite sound) (Stephen) Yes. 39 00:02:50,367 --> 00:02:51,925 At least you haven't swallowed it, 40 00:02:51,967 --> 00:02:54,481 you have to swallow one twice in order to be called 41 00:02:54,527 --> 00:02:56,040 a professor of Punch and Judy. 42 00:02:56,087 --> 00:02:58,078 - ls that the qualification? - Apparently. 43 00:02:58,127 --> 00:03:00,322 Do they have to be there when you defecate? 44 00:03:00,767 --> 00:03:02,598 (Phill) Yes, there it is! 45 00:03:02,647 --> 00:03:05,525 Congratulations, professor. 46 00:03:06,367 --> 00:03:08,164 Does it go... (Extended parp) 47 00:03:08,207 --> 00:03:09,799 (Laughter) 48 00:03:09,847 --> 00:03:15,285 (Applause) 49 00:03:16,327 --> 00:03:18,158 Are you clear about the squirrels? 50 00:03:18,207 --> 00:03:20,004 lf the answer to a question is squirrel, 51 00:03:20,047 --> 00:03:22,322 - show the joker and shout squirrels. - Squirrels! 52 00:03:22,367 --> 00:03:25,439 And, if you're right, you will get a bonus of fifty points. 53 00:03:25,487 --> 00:03:27,796 On the other hand, if you are wrong, 54 00:03:27,847 --> 00:03:31,396 you will get a forfeit of ten points. 55 00:03:31,447 --> 00:03:34,837 Stephen Fry sings Simply Red is not available in the shops. 56 00:03:35,967 --> 00:03:37,639 Baaa. 57 00:03:39,847 --> 00:03:40,836 (Stephen bleats) 58 00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:42,923 Anyway, in the words of Jack Handey, 59 00:03:42,967 --> 00:03:46,118 "To me clowns aren't funny, in fact they're kind of scary. 60 00:03:46,167 --> 00:03:47,725 "l've wondered where this started 61 00:03:47,767 --> 00:03:49,962 "l think it goes back to when l went to the circus, 62 00:03:50,007 --> 00:03:52,282 "and a clown killed my father." 63 00:03:53,327 --> 00:03:57,525 The fear of clowns is called coulrophobia, 64 00:03:57,567 --> 00:04:02,004 and the fear of squirrels, incidentally, is called sciurophobia. 65 00:04:02,047 --> 00:04:04,083 What are you frightened of? 66 00:04:04,127 --> 00:04:06,766 - (Party blowers) - Squirrels! 67 00:04:06,807 --> 00:04:09,526 (Audience) Oh, no it isn't! 68 00:04:09,567 --> 00:04:12,445 (Alan) Oh... lt was a joke 69 00:04:12,487 --> 00:04:14,762 lt was a reasonably expensive one. 70 00:04:14,807 --> 00:04:15,842 Jo? 71 00:04:15,887 --> 00:04:17,320 Yes, what am l frightened of? 72 00:04:17,367 --> 00:04:21,645 Psychopaths with axes coming into my bedroom at night and killing me. 73 00:04:21,687 --> 00:04:23,325 You're weird. 74 00:04:24,047 --> 00:04:26,197 (# Entrance Of The Gladiators) 75 00:04:26,247 --> 00:04:29,205 - Fear itself. - Ahh. 76 00:04:29,247 --> 00:04:30,475 And spiders. 77 00:04:31,727 --> 00:04:32,955 (Stephen) Which is called? 78 00:04:33,007 --> 00:04:34,838 - Arachnophobia. - (Stephen) Yes. 79 00:04:34,887 --> 00:04:36,957 A phobia is very different from a fear. 80 00:04:37,007 --> 00:04:39,680 lt is a very specific thing, it has to be irrational. 81 00:04:39,727 --> 00:04:43,925 There is no one of those words ending in phobia, a Greek word, 82 00:04:43,967 --> 00:04:47,880 or a lions or sharks because that's a rational fear. 83 00:04:47,927 --> 00:04:51,715 Your fear of psychopaths wouldn't be a phobia because it's perfectly rational, 84 00:04:51,767 --> 00:04:53,917 To be afraid of moths, for example, is a phobia, 85 00:04:53,967 --> 00:04:55,480 because they can't threaten you. 86 00:04:55,527 --> 00:04:57,324 Have you seen my jumpers? 87 00:04:58,847 --> 00:04:59,882 No. 88 00:04:59,927 --> 00:05:03,681 What about fear of flying, which is partly rational, partly irrational, isn't it? 89 00:05:03,727 --> 00:05:05,718 Fear of crashing, now that makes sense, 90 00:05:05,767 --> 00:05:08,042 but flying's a good idea. 91 00:05:08,087 --> 00:05:09,964 When l was a psychiatric nurse, 92 00:05:10,007 --> 00:05:13,636 we did treat someone who had sperm phobia, right, 93 00:05:13,687 --> 00:05:15,200 and the way that they treated it 94 00:05:15,247 --> 00:05:18,364 was making them get in a bath full of sperm. 95 00:05:18,407 --> 00:05:19,442 (Laughter) 96 00:05:19,487 --> 00:05:20,920 And the way they got the sperm 97 00:05:20,967 --> 00:05:22,764 was to get loads of medical students 98 00:05:22,807 --> 00:05:27,358 masturbating furiously over a long weekend. 99 00:05:27,407 --> 00:05:29,398 God, how we laughed! 100 00:05:29,447 --> 00:05:30,800 (Laughter) 101 00:05:30,847 --> 00:05:32,405 ls this absolutely true? 102 00:05:32,447 --> 00:05:33,960 That is absolutely true. 103 00:05:34,007 --> 00:05:35,884 Yes, l've seen it on the internet. 104 00:05:35,927 --> 00:05:37,121 Oh, shit... 105 00:05:37,167 --> 00:05:38,919 (Laughter) 106 00:05:39,407 --> 00:05:40,681 (Stephen) Thank you, yes, 107 00:05:40,727 --> 00:05:44,003 we had the picture in our head and we wanted it to stay there. 108 00:05:44,047 --> 00:05:45,162 (Clive) And did it work? 109 00:05:45,207 --> 00:05:47,960 lt worked very well for me, thank you. 110 00:05:48,007 --> 00:05:49,440 (Laughter) 111 00:05:49,487 --> 00:05:52,524 So, l have to get in a bath full of spiders? 112 00:05:52,567 --> 00:05:55,400 You can do it two ways, you can do graded desensitisation, 113 00:05:55,447 --> 00:05:57,915 where you're gradually exposed to spiders, 114 00:05:57,967 --> 00:06:00,686 or you can do flooding, where you get chucked in with them... 115 00:06:00,727 --> 00:06:02,080 This is cognitive therapy? 116 00:06:02,127 --> 00:06:05,517 lt's more sort of behavioural therapy really, cos it's cheap, yeah. 117 00:06:05,567 --> 00:06:08,525 l think l'll settle with just screaming like a girl 118 00:06:08,567 --> 00:06:11,604 and running around the house, if that's all right with you. 119 00:06:11,647 --> 00:06:14,207 The fear of birds, of course, is called ornithophobia 120 00:06:14,247 --> 00:06:17,205 and anyone who has it should look away now. 121 00:06:17,247 --> 00:06:21,001 Does anyone here have a cuckoo in their pants? 122 00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:23,607 (Party blowers) 123 00:06:23,647 --> 00:06:25,239 Can l apologise in advance for this? 124 00:06:25,287 --> 00:06:29,280 No, but l had a big cock in my pants last... 125 00:06:29,327 --> 00:06:32,956 (Alarm) 126 00:06:33,007 --> 00:06:34,406 (Stephen) No is the answer. 127 00:06:36,087 --> 00:06:39,045 Does that mean that we have got cuckoos in our pants? 128 00:06:39,087 --> 00:06:42,204 We all have a cuckoo in our pants now, unless we're not wearing pants. 129 00:06:42,247 --> 00:06:44,317 But the Greek for cuckoo is... 130 00:06:44,367 --> 00:06:46,278 - Bum hole. - (Stephen) "Kok..." 131 00:06:46,327 --> 00:06:48,443 (Laughter) 132 00:06:48,487 --> 00:06:52,241 There's a kind of fierce, relentless logic 133 00:06:52,287 --> 00:06:53,879 behind what you say. 134 00:06:53,927 --> 00:06:57,442 l just hope that the Greek Ambassador isn't watching. 135 00:06:57,487 --> 00:07:00,445 Enjoying an ouzo, sitting back for a bit of Stephen and the chaps. 136 00:07:00,487 --> 00:07:02,079 "Bum hole". 137 00:07:03,167 --> 00:07:06,000 No, the Greek for cuckoo is "kokkux". 138 00:07:06,047 --> 00:07:07,924 - Kokkux, and... - (Alan and Clive) Coccyx. 139 00:07:07,967 --> 00:07:10,800 - Coccyx is exactly right. - (Alan) l was first, points to me. 140 00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:14,999 Very well, have a point or two. And it was Galen, the Roman physician - 141 00:07:15,047 --> 00:07:18,437 "Father of Medicine", many call him - who observed that the coccyx 142 00:07:18,487 --> 00:07:20,478 is much the shape of a cuckoo's beak. 143 00:07:20,527 --> 00:07:22,483 - ls there a famous cartoon cuckoo? - No. 144 00:07:22,527 --> 00:07:24,916 - You're thinking of Woody Woodpecker. - No, l'm not. 145 00:07:24,967 --> 00:07:26,639 He's a member of the cuckoo family. 146 00:07:26,687 --> 00:07:27,676 Road Runner. 147 00:07:27,727 --> 00:07:30,082 Meep, meep. Exactly, Road Runner is a cuckoo. 148 00:07:30,127 --> 00:07:31,799 - He's a cuckoo? - (Stephen) Yeah. 149 00:07:31,847 --> 00:07:34,566 Coccodynia, does that... would that suggest anything to you? 150 00:07:34,607 --> 00:07:37,883 (Alan) Eating your coccyx. (Phill) You eat them? 151 00:07:37,927 --> 00:07:41,203 No, coccodynia, it's a pain in the arse, literally, 152 00:07:41,247 --> 00:07:46,275 lt's when you get a slightly wobbly coccyx and you sit down and it's very painful. 153 00:07:46,327 --> 00:07:48,045 - (Alan) Wobbly? - lt can... Yeah... 154 00:07:48,087 --> 00:07:52,046 People think they're fused, but they're actually in three or four bits. 155 00:07:52,087 --> 00:07:55,124 - You can get a fused coccyx. - (Stephen) You can get it fused. 156 00:07:55,167 --> 00:07:58,477 You can get people together and kind of, like with dogs, 157 00:07:58,527 --> 00:08:01,485 breed up people so they actually get tails again? 158 00:08:05,767 --> 00:08:08,361 lt would be an ambitious project. 159 00:08:11,007 --> 00:08:12,918 lt would be great if we had tails again. 160 00:08:12,967 --> 00:08:15,925 But how could we reverse evolution, Stephen? 161 00:08:15,967 --> 00:08:17,195 You should know. 162 00:08:17,247 --> 00:08:19,761 Evolution is all about mutations in the gene pool, 163 00:08:19,807 --> 00:08:22,605 So, actually, you'd need someone with a tail to start it off. 164 00:08:22,647 --> 00:08:25,400 Might l suggest the ring-tailed lemur? Lovely tail. 165 00:08:26,447 --> 00:08:30,486 That long, stripy... lmagine a six-foot stripy tail 166 00:08:30,527 --> 00:08:32,882 - just "hello" - (Alan) Yeah. 167 00:08:34,607 --> 00:08:38,282 Answer me this though, what goes around in a Greek frock? 168 00:08:38,327 --> 00:08:41,444 - (Party blowers) - Demis Roussos. 169 00:08:41,487 --> 00:08:46,720 (Alarm) 170 00:08:46,767 --> 00:08:50,840 (Applause) 171 00:08:50,887 --> 00:08:54,436 l'm afraid... We were there before you, l'm afraid. 172 00:08:54,487 --> 00:08:55,806 Oh, dear. 173 00:08:55,847 --> 00:08:58,042 - l bet it's not a dress. - (Stephen) lt's not. 174 00:08:58,087 --> 00:08:59,406 The Greek word for frock. 175 00:08:59,447 --> 00:09:01,244 (Stephen) You have to know that. 176 00:09:01,287 --> 00:09:03,243 (Clive) There you are, then. (Jo) ls it... 177 00:09:05,007 --> 00:09:06,918 - Squirrels, are you going to say? - Yeah. 178 00:09:06,967 --> 00:09:09,356 (Audience) Oh no it isn't! 179 00:09:11,807 --> 00:09:13,923 The answer is actually an animal, 180 00:09:13,967 --> 00:09:16,242 - or could be an animal. - Ah, see. 181 00:09:16,287 --> 00:09:19,484 lt could also be something that isn't either animal or vegetable 182 00:09:19,527 --> 00:09:22,564 - that is alive. - Some sort of virus, or, um... 183 00:09:22,607 --> 00:09:25,565 No. Not in the animal kingdom, not in the plant kingdom. 184 00:09:26,567 --> 00:09:29,001 - (Stephen) Fungi. - lt'll be some mushroom 185 00:09:29,047 --> 00:09:31,561 with a sort of Greek skirt on it, that looks a bit like... 186 00:09:31,607 --> 00:09:33,916 No, it's actually... The Greek for skirt is Chitin 187 00:09:33,967 --> 00:09:36,435 and all kinds of animals are covered in chitin. 188 00:09:36,487 --> 00:09:41,277 Mushrooms, cockroaches, squid, fungi, ladybirds, ants, crabs, spiders, lobsters. 189 00:09:41,327 --> 00:09:43,602 lt's like a kind of polymer that covers things. 190 00:09:43,647 --> 00:09:45,683 The Greek army do wear kilts. 191 00:09:45,727 --> 00:09:48,321 (Alan) Oh, dear, they look terrible. 192 00:09:48,367 --> 00:09:50,323 - They're like Girls Aloud. - This is not... 193 00:09:50,367 --> 00:09:53,723 - (Laughter) - Their kilts have 400 pleats in, 194 00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:56,281 l'll give five points if you can tell me why. 195 00:09:56,327 --> 00:09:58,318 Why four hundred? lt's very specific. 196 00:09:58,367 --> 00:10:00,119 Are there 400 Greek lslands? 197 00:10:00,167 --> 00:10:03,955 No, that's intelligent at least. l don't mean to sound... 198 00:10:04,247 --> 00:10:06,317 - (Alan) 400 Greek gods. - Not 400 Greek gods, 199 00:10:06,367 --> 00:10:10,201 lt's 400 years of Greek subjugation by the Turks. 200 00:10:10,247 --> 00:10:12,807 So the first year of Turkish occupation, plain A-line. 201 00:10:12,847 --> 00:10:14,758 (Stephen) Exactly! 202 00:10:15,887 --> 00:10:19,277 The Highland Regiment in the First World War got... 203 00:10:19,327 --> 00:10:22,444 - What are those insects that bite? - (Alan) Lice... in their pleats. 204 00:10:22,487 --> 00:10:25,399 ln the pleats of the kilts, so they had to be always running, 205 00:10:25,447 --> 00:10:27,722 - chasing them down... - (Stephen) Very good. 206 00:10:27,767 --> 00:10:31,840 But five points away for thinking a louse is an insect, it's an arachnid, but... 207 00:10:31,887 --> 00:10:33,559 (Laughter) 208 00:10:33,607 --> 00:10:37,156 Quite right, but l have arachnid phobia, so l didn't want to... 209 00:10:37,207 --> 00:10:39,516 There you are, five points back for being amusing. 210 00:10:39,567 --> 00:10:41,797 Now, stop me when you know what l'm talking about. 211 00:10:41,847 --> 00:10:44,919 They can't swim, or even float in water, 212 00:10:44,967 --> 00:10:48,846 but they grow to the size of a small dog, can shin up trees, 213 00:10:48,887 --> 00:10:51,276 have claws powerful enough to open tin cans 214 00:10:51,327 --> 00:10:52,919 and can carry a load 215 00:10:52,967 --> 00:10:57,085 greater than the maximum luggage allowance on an international flight. 216 00:10:57,127 --> 00:10:59,322 (# Entrance Of The Gladiators) 217 00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:01,323 Land crab? 218 00:11:01,367 --> 00:11:04,200 lt's a type of crab, it's a coconut crab, 219 00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:08,399 l've got to give you some points for getting crab, it is indeed a crab. 220 00:11:08,447 --> 00:11:11,678 (Applause) 221 00:11:13,887 --> 00:11:16,606 (Phill) l know that because l had a friend who was in the army, 222 00:11:16,647 --> 00:11:19,241 he was stationed somewhere, and they had these things 223 00:11:19,287 --> 00:11:22,404 and they would just put kit bags on them and they would get up... 224 00:11:22,447 --> 00:11:24,802 They really do, they carry an enormous weight. 225 00:11:24,847 --> 00:11:29,125 The extraordinary thing about coconut crabs is they're distributed all over the Pacific 226 00:11:29,167 --> 00:11:30,282 but they cannot swim. 227 00:11:30,327 --> 00:11:32,682 They go to the beach to drink, they need salt water, 228 00:11:32,727 --> 00:11:34,877 but they cannot swim, they drown very quickly. 229 00:11:34,927 --> 00:11:37,680 So, what they do is they float on coconuts. 230 00:11:37,727 --> 00:11:40,116 Coconuts can go up to 3,000 miles, they float, 231 00:11:40,167 --> 00:11:41,600 and they cling onto the coconut. 232 00:11:41,647 --> 00:11:43,319 What's coconut milk? 233 00:11:43,367 --> 00:11:45,801 - (Phill) Tasty! - Where does it come from? What is it? 234 00:11:45,847 --> 00:11:47,246 Coconut cows! 235 00:11:47,287 --> 00:11:50,199 (Laughter) 236 00:11:51,607 --> 00:11:54,326 l'd have thought it would've come from a coconut. 237 00:11:54,367 --> 00:11:56,437 - lt's the flesh. - (Clive) Mushed-up flesh. 238 00:11:56,487 --> 00:11:58,318 (Stephen) Yeah, exactly. 239 00:11:58,367 --> 00:12:00,835 And the stuff in... the liquidy, that, you know... 240 00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:02,445 is coconut water. 241 00:12:02,487 --> 00:12:05,843 l went to Rio once and the guy just had whole... 242 00:12:05,887 --> 00:12:09,038 you know the big, you know, with the green husk still on, 243 00:12:09,087 --> 00:12:11,282 he got a machete and went wallop, wallop, 244 00:12:11,327 --> 00:12:12,840 tipped some rum in it and a straw, 245 00:12:12,887 --> 00:12:15,401 it was one of the loveliest things l've drunk in my life. 246 00:12:15,447 --> 00:12:17,642 - Fantastic... - And there was a lady over there 247 00:12:17,687 --> 00:12:20,520 with great big breasts and a penis, it was quite a trip. 248 00:12:20,567 --> 00:12:22,046 (Laughter) 249 00:12:22,087 --> 00:12:24,282 And l thought it was the drink. 250 00:12:25,847 --> 00:12:28,645 So, um, the answer was coconut crabs. 251 00:12:28,687 --> 00:12:30,678 They sound like something you get off radiators, 252 00:12:30,727 --> 00:12:34,606 or indeed a particularly unpleasant sort of children's dish, but... 253 00:12:34,647 --> 00:12:36,205 (Laughter) 254 00:12:36,247 --> 00:12:38,761 lf l were throwing a tree party, 255 00:12:38,807 --> 00:12:41,446 how would you go about serving a cheese log? 256 00:12:41,727 --> 00:12:43,445 (Fanfare) (Stephen) Clive? 257 00:12:43,487 --> 00:12:46,445 lt's a slow method this, but you make an arctic roll, 258 00:12:46,487 --> 00:12:48,921 which l think is out of sort of milky ice creamy stuff, 259 00:12:48,967 --> 00:12:51,322 - Yeah. - And then just leave it for a long while, 260 00:12:51,367 --> 00:12:53,562 and it turns into cheese and is a cheese log. 261 00:12:53,607 --> 00:12:55,199 (Clive) Disgusting, but... 262 00:12:55,247 --> 00:12:58,398 lt would satisfy the conditions of making a cheese log, it's true. 263 00:12:58,447 --> 00:13:00,756 lt's an animal we're after. 264 00:13:03,247 --> 00:13:04,726 Any thoughts? 265 00:13:08,847 --> 00:13:11,725 - We're so tempted. - (Jo) Cheese log's an animal, is it? 266 00:13:11,767 --> 00:13:12,756 (Stephen) Mm. 267 00:13:12,807 --> 00:13:14,763 How would you go about serving it? 268 00:13:14,807 --> 00:13:17,116 Well, how about like this? 269 00:13:21,727 --> 00:13:24,082 There is a recipe for these animals, yeah. 270 00:13:24,127 --> 00:13:26,118 Oh it's squirrel, it's got to be squirrel. 271 00:13:26,167 --> 00:13:29,204 (Audience) Oh no it isn't! 272 00:13:29,247 --> 00:13:32,125 - (Stephen) Thank you for getting that... - l wanted to put it up. 273 00:13:32,167 --> 00:13:35,523 There is a recipe for squirrel these days and it's fantastically good news 274 00:13:35,567 --> 00:13:39,685 for those of us interested in the animal life of our country, 275 00:13:39,727 --> 00:13:42,844 is that it turns out that the interloping grey squirrels 276 00:13:42,887 --> 00:13:45,117 you can eat, and we can tuck into them, 277 00:13:45,167 --> 00:13:47,920 but red squirrels, which we're trying to sort of look after, 278 00:13:47,967 --> 00:13:50,481 they're... you can't eat them, cos they taste nasty. 279 00:13:50,527 --> 00:13:53,280 No, the red ones taste of strawberries, mm. 280 00:13:53,327 --> 00:13:55,363 (Laughter) 281 00:13:55,407 --> 00:13:57,716 Do you know where the red ones are left in England? 282 00:13:57,767 --> 00:14:00,520 The lsle of Wight, they have some red squirrels there, 283 00:14:00,567 --> 00:14:03,035 and there are a few left in Scotland and a few little... 284 00:14:03,087 --> 00:14:05,681 - You're on a British conservancy... - Woodland Trust. 285 00:14:05,727 --> 00:14:07,877 - l'm the president... - You're the president! 286 00:14:07,927 --> 00:14:11,363 Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the Woodland Trust! 287 00:14:11,407 --> 00:14:14,126 - Thank you, it's my proudest. - (Cheering, applause) 288 00:14:14,167 --> 00:14:15,566 Thank you. 289 00:14:17,367 --> 00:14:20,757 - How do you become the president? - Um... 290 00:14:20,807 --> 00:14:22,843 Did the squirrels vote for you? 291 00:14:23,687 --> 00:14:25,279 President of the Woodland Trust. 292 00:14:25,327 --> 00:14:28,285 "Yes, l, er, would love to eat grey squirrels." 293 00:14:29,727 --> 00:14:32,082 Perhaps on the website there could be a photo of you 294 00:14:32,127 --> 00:14:33,958 with a tail hanging out of your mouth. 295 00:14:35,087 --> 00:14:37,806 Our animal is grey as well, the animal that we want you to eat, 296 00:14:37,847 --> 00:14:40,486 it's a lot smaller than a grey squirrel, however. 297 00:14:40,527 --> 00:14:42,165 - A dormouse. - And it lives in a tree 298 00:14:42,207 --> 00:14:45,085 - or often under tree bark. - (Jo) A woodlouse. 299 00:14:45,127 --> 00:14:48,005 - A woodlouse is the right answer! - (Applause) 300 00:14:48,047 --> 00:14:49,321 (Stephen) Well done! 301 00:14:49,367 --> 00:14:51,961 - Not bad. - (Jo) Thank you. 302 00:14:52,567 --> 00:14:56,003 You were asked how you would serve it, the answer is, in the marvellous book, 303 00:14:56,047 --> 00:14:58,845 which l can recommend by Mr Vincent M Holt, 304 00:14:58,887 --> 00:15:00,684 Why Not Eat lnsects, it's called. 305 00:15:02,087 --> 00:15:04,396 He considers woodlouse superior to shrimp, 306 00:15:04,447 --> 00:15:06,438 and you will see they are not unlike shrimps, 307 00:15:06,487 --> 00:15:08,717 in fact they are more closely related to shrimps 308 00:15:08,767 --> 00:15:11,645 than they are to millipedes or centipedes, for example. 309 00:15:11,687 --> 00:15:15,123 Shrimps are just insects of the sea, after all, and we eat them with great... 310 00:15:15,167 --> 00:15:18,477 - literally with relish... - l've eaten several insects, not woodlouse, 311 00:15:18,527 --> 00:15:20,483 but wasps and locusts and things. 312 00:15:20,527 --> 00:15:22,836 (Phill) That's how you got the Woodland Trust gig. 313 00:15:22,887 --> 00:15:25,481 - l've had locust in chocolate. - What's it like? 314 00:15:25,527 --> 00:15:27,961 - lt was quite nice. Crunchy. - They're like prawn. 315 00:15:28,007 --> 00:15:29,759 (Stephen) They are, exactly that, 316 00:15:29,807 --> 00:15:32,116 He recommends a quantity of the finest woodlouse, 317 00:15:32,167 --> 00:15:34,556 "They swarm under the bark of a very rotten tree. 318 00:15:34,607 --> 00:15:36,757 "Drop them into boiling water. 319 00:15:36,807 --> 00:15:39,446 "lt will kill them instantly, but not turn them red. 320 00:15:39,927 --> 00:15:42,725 "Put into a saucepan a quarter of a pound of fresh butter, 321 00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:44,803 "a teaspoon of flour, a small glass of water, 322 00:15:44,847 --> 00:15:47,600 "a little milk, some pepper and salt. Place it on the stove, 323 00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:50,207 "When the sauce is thick take it off, put in the woodlice. 324 00:15:50,247 --> 00:15:53,080 "An excellent sauce for fish." That's how you would serve it. 325 00:15:53,127 --> 00:15:55,436 There was definitely a sort of fudge with wasps in, 326 00:15:55,487 --> 00:15:58,604 - l remember that one. - Wasp fudge? Leave it out for an hour 327 00:15:58,647 --> 00:16:00,478 - all fudge has wasps in it. - Exactly. 328 00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:03,246 - (Laughter) 329 00:16:03,287 --> 00:16:06,438 Sort of worms as well, which is straying slightly off of insects, 330 00:16:06,487 --> 00:16:10,719 There's all this stuff wandering around with all the protein in and we arbitrarily say, 331 00:16:10,767 --> 00:16:13,679 "l don't want to eat that, l will eat that," like picky children. 332 00:16:13,727 --> 00:16:17,322 Well, yes. Do you know any other names for a woodlouse? 333 00:16:17,367 --> 00:16:19,961 Chiggy pigs. Rather nice, isn't it? Chiggy pig. 334 00:16:20,007 --> 00:16:22,726 - Trying to sell it as a foodstuff. - (Stephen) They are. 335 00:16:22,767 --> 00:16:24,485 Coffin cutters, which is less likely. 336 00:16:24,527 --> 00:16:26,404 - Monkey peas. - (Phill) Monkey peas? 337 00:16:26,447 --> 00:16:29,405 Yeah, yeah. Bibble bugs. 338 00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:32,723 - And in Holland they're called pissebed. - (Laughter) 339 00:16:32,767 --> 00:16:34,758 Because they expel waste as ammonia vapour 340 00:16:34,807 --> 00:16:38,277 rather than liquid urine, through the porous shell. 341 00:16:38,327 --> 00:16:40,557 - Tuck in, Steve. - (Stephen) Yeah! 342 00:16:40,607 --> 00:16:42,325 - (Laughter) - Anyway, now, 343 00:16:42,367 --> 00:16:44,676 what was the emperor Charlemagne's party trick 344 00:16:44,727 --> 00:16:46,001 with a tablecloth? 345 00:16:46,047 --> 00:16:48,686 (# Entrance Of The Gladiators) 346 00:16:48,727 --> 00:16:52,561 - Apparently, wearing it. - (Stephen) Fair point. 347 00:16:52,607 --> 00:16:56,282 He comes from a long while ago, 8th century, 9th century, isn't he? 348 00:16:56,327 --> 00:16:58,841 l don't believe they had knives and forks in those days, 349 00:16:58,887 --> 00:17:00,286 let alone tablecloths. 350 00:17:00,327 --> 00:17:01,726 He did have a tablecloth. 351 00:17:01,767 --> 00:17:04,361 His tablecloth was made of something unusual. 352 00:17:04,407 --> 00:17:06,637 - Some plant thing. - (Stephen) No, a mineral. 353 00:17:06,687 --> 00:17:08,598 A mineral that can be made fibrous. 354 00:17:08,647 --> 00:17:10,365 Ah, so asbestos. 355 00:17:10,407 --> 00:17:12,716 - Asbestos is the right answer, - ls it?! 356 00:17:12,767 --> 00:17:15,918 And his party trick was to take his tablecloth 357 00:17:15,967 --> 00:17:18,037 in front of guests, other emperors and kings 358 00:17:18,087 --> 00:17:20,806 and throw it onto the fire, and then they would be amazed - 359 00:17:20,847 --> 00:17:23,600 there's a fire, in case you didn't know what one looked like. 360 00:17:23,647 --> 00:17:26,207 Easy, Clive, it's not a real forest! 361 00:17:27,887 --> 00:17:31,675 - Yes it is! - A load of grey squirrels going like that... 362 00:17:34,247 --> 00:17:37,523 That is extraordinary. They had asbestos all those years ago? 363 00:17:37,567 --> 00:17:41,480 They had asbestos, the Greeks named it, "inextinguishable", is what it means. 364 00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:44,325 The ancients wove handkerchiefs out of it. 365 00:17:44,367 --> 00:17:46,358 (Phill) Oh, dear Lord! (Stephen) Yes. 366 00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,683 l remember being given asbestos to play with 367 00:17:49,727 --> 00:17:51,445 on a trip to Commonwealth lnstitute, 368 00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:54,718 they must have been mining it or finding it in an African country, 369 00:17:54,767 --> 00:17:58,157 - we were given it to hold and play with... - Asbestos, the wonder material! 370 00:17:58,207 --> 00:18:01,085 - (Clive) Yes, exactly. - The next time you see it being handled, 371 00:18:01,127 --> 00:18:03,516 it's a bloke in nine different kinds of suit 372 00:18:03,567 --> 00:18:05,683 handling it with twelve-foot-long rods. 373 00:18:06,767 --> 00:18:10,476 Do you know the name of the town where the biggest asbestos mine is? 374 00:18:10,527 --> 00:18:12,882 Asbestos, the town is called Asbestos. 375 00:18:13,887 --> 00:18:17,436 Fancy being the mayor of Asbestos, bizarre. 376 00:18:17,487 --> 00:18:20,638 Which brings us inevitably to General lgnorance. 377 00:18:20,687 --> 00:18:23,645 Now, who goes gathering nuts in May? 378 00:18:26,167 --> 00:18:29,716 - Three, two, one... - (Stephen) Squirrels, you're going to say? 379 00:18:29,767 --> 00:18:32,759 (Audience) Oh no it isn't! 380 00:18:34,207 --> 00:18:37,040 - Oh, Jo, you could've joined in. - l was gonna say "we", 381 00:18:37,087 --> 00:18:39,282 here we go gathering nuts in May. 382 00:18:39,327 --> 00:18:41,761 No, we don't grow nuts in May, nuts grow in the autumn. 383 00:18:41,807 --> 00:18:44,685 - They gather them at the end of the year. - (Clive) So it's knots. 384 00:18:44,727 --> 00:18:47,161 Quite right, knots of May. What does May mean? 385 00:18:47,207 --> 00:18:50,199 - lt'll be the blossom of a may... - Which is? 386 00:18:50,247 --> 00:18:51,680 - Hawthorn. - Exactly. 387 00:18:51,727 --> 00:18:55,640 l think you'll find the Woodland Trust has an extensive knowledge on... 388 00:18:55,687 --> 00:19:01,045 Yes, 220,000 miles of hawthorn hedge were planted in the 17th and 18th Centuries. 389 00:19:01,087 --> 00:19:04,204 There are two types of hawthorn that are native to the British lsles. 390 00:19:04,247 --> 00:19:06,397 Midland hawthorn and common hawthorn. 391 00:19:06,447 --> 00:19:09,439 And now a delightful eight feet remain. 392 00:19:11,127 --> 00:19:13,846 Why was so much planted then? Was that enclosing fields? 393 00:19:13,887 --> 00:19:15,161 (Stephen) Exactly right. 394 00:19:15,207 --> 00:19:17,926 Until then we could wander anywhere and then somebody said, 395 00:19:17,967 --> 00:19:21,721 we rich people own this now and we're going to fence it off. 396 00:19:21,767 --> 00:19:25,726 Who made the most from that? Lawyers l think probably, Clive, didn't they? 397 00:19:25,767 --> 00:19:28,679 Whatever you accuse me of, you can't accuse me of making money 398 00:19:28,727 --> 00:19:31,958 - from being an 18th century lawyer. - No, not you... No. 399 00:19:33,807 --> 00:19:38,039 There's more superstition adhering to hawthorn than any other plant around. 400 00:19:38,087 --> 00:19:40,476 You're not supposed to take mayflowers indoors. 401 00:19:40,527 --> 00:19:42,677 Ne'er cast a clout till May be out. 402 00:19:42,727 --> 00:19:45,036 - (Stephen) Yes. - That may refer to the month of May 403 00:19:45,087 --> 00:19:47,203 or to the blossom coming out. Who knows? 404 00:19:47,247 --> 00:19:50,045 lt's generally thought it probably means the may blossom. 405 00:19:50,087 --> 00:19:53,636 - lt smells of death, the mayflower. - (Jo) ln what sense? 406 00:19:53,687 --> 00:19:56,520 lts chemical, triethylamine, gives off... 407 00:19:56,567 --> 00:19:59,286 lt's the same... it was called the Great Plague smell. 408 00:19:59,327 --> 00:20:03,115 l thought you meant the new perfume Joan Collins has just brought out. 409 00:20:03,167 --> 00:20:05,965 - She's brought out a perfume called Death? - No. 410 00:20:06,967 --> 00:20:09,276 - That is a good name for a perfume. - lt is, isn't it? 411 00:20:09,327 --> 00:20:13,320 Do you think the Woodland Trust would market it, Clive? 412 00:20:13,367 --> 00:20:15,676 (Clive) You have my blessing. 413 00:20:15,727 --> 00:20:18,366 Now, we all know what to do with a custard pie, but, Alan, 414 00:20:18,407 --> 00:20:19,476 what's a custard pile? 415 00:20:20,687 --> 00:20:22,803 Er, it's a sort of yellow haemorrhoid. 416 00:20:24,847 --> 00:20:29,045 Shot in the dark, buildings in a geologically unsafe... 417 00:20:29,087 --> 00:20:30,884 some sort of liquid foundation? 418 00:20:30,927 --> 00:20:34,158 Oh, that's a wonderful thought, absolutely nothing like the answer, 419 00:20:34,207 --> 00:20:35,925 - but a very good thought. - Squirrel. 420 00:20:35,967 --> 00:20:37,958 - ls it squirrel? - No, it's not squirrel! 421 00:20:38,007 --> 00:20:41,886 (Audience) Oh, no it isn't! 422 00:20:43,167 --> 00:20:45,362 - lt is an animal. - Custard pile? 423 00:20:45,407 --> 00:20:48,080 lt's a recognised colour from a breeder's association... 424 00:20:48,127 --> 00:20:49,685 (Clive) Cat. (Stephen) Not a cat. 425 00:20:49,727 --> 00:20:51,763 - A dog... Ferret. - Not even a mammal. 426 00:20:51,807 --> 00:20:53,160 A goldfish. 427 00:20:53,207 --> 00:20:55,482 No. Not a fish neither. 428 00:20:55,527 --> 00:20:57,245 (Clive) A lizard? (Phill) Gecko. 429 00:20:57,287 --> 00:21:00,165 - We're running out of major animal groups. - lt's a bird. 430 00:21:00,207 --> 00:21:01,560 - (Clive) Canary. - No. 431 00:21:01,607 --> 00:21:03,598 - (Alan) Parrot. - A fighting bird. 432 00:21:03,647 --> 00:21:05,717 - A cock. (Stephen) lt's a cock! 433 00:21:05,767 --> 00:21:08,361 lt's a fighting cock, a game cock. 434 00:21:08,407 --> 00:21:11,558 "What have you got? l've got Killer Lundgens, and you? 435 00:21:11,607 --> 00:21:14,326 "l've got Custard Pile." 436 00:21:14,367 --> 00:21:18,360 - You can have cocks in muff... - (Laughter) 437 00:21:18,407 --> 00:21:21,479 You can have tassel, spangle, carp-legs, milk-and-water legs. 438 00:21:21,527 --> 00:21:23,563 Do you know anything about cocking at all? 439 00:21:23,607 --> 00:21:27,395 Well, l don't like to blow my own trumpet, but... 440 00:21:28,407 --> 00:21:31,080 For 2,000 years it was Britain's national sport. 441 00:21:31,127 --> 00:21:33,800 Every village would have at least one cock pit. 442 00:21:33,847 --> 00:21:36,725 Can you think of any phrases from cock fighting we use today? 443 00:21:36,767 --> 00:21:41,079 - Cockpit. - Cockpit is one, yep. Well done. 444 00:21:41,127 --> 00:21:44,244 Show a clean pair of heels, well-heeled. 445 00:21:44,287 --> 00:21:45,800 To pit someone against. 446 00:21:45,847 --> 00:21:48,156 T describe someone as "game", as in being up for it. 447 00:21:48,207 --> 00:21:49,686 That's from cock fighting, yes. 448 00:21:49,727 --> 00:21:51,240 lt says here a good cocker 449 00:21:51,287 --> 00:21:54,120 "would think nothing of cleaning his cock's wounded head 450 00:21:54,167 --> 00:21:56,920 "by sticking it in his mouth and sucking it clean." 451 00:21:56,967 --> 00:21:58,366 Yes. 452 00:21:58,407 --> 00:21:59,726 (Laughter) 453 00:21:59,767 --> 00:22:02,565 You're watching Ql, for the straight guy. 454 00:22:02,607 --> 00:22:05,326 (Laughter) 455 00:22:05,367 --> 00:22:07,756 (Applause) 456 00:22:07,807 --> 00:22:10,685 Now, what kind of animal caused the tragic death 457 00:22:10,727 --> 00:22:12,319 of the Greek playwright Aeschylus? 458 00:22:12,367 --> 00:22:14,676 (# Entrance Of The Gladiators) 459 00:22:14,727 --> 00:22:18,879 (Stephen) Oh dear! (Audience) Oh no it isn't! 460 00:22:20,447 --> 00:22:22,244 - (Fanfare) - Yes? 461 00:22:22,287 --> 00:22:25,518 l get these ancient Greeks mixed up, there's Aeschylus 462 00:22:25,567 --> 00:22:28,604 and there's the Duke of Edinburgh, but... 463 00:22:28,647 --> 00:22:31,525 one of them got killed by some sort of tortoise 464 00:22:31,567 --> 00:22:33,046 falling out of the sky... 465 00:22:33,087 --> 00:22:34,884 ls the right answer. 466 00:22:34,927 --> 00:22:36,724 - (Applause) - Yeah... Oh, right 467 00:22:39,687 --> 00:22:42,724 - How would a tortoise fall from the sky? - (Phill) Dropped by eagle. 468 00:22:42,767 --> 00:22:44,120 ls the right answer. 469 00:22:44,167 --> 00:22:45,964 - (Alan) What a shot. - Yeah! 470 00:22:46,007 --> 00:22:48,441 Thrown by rival philosopher. 471 00:22:50,727 --> 00:22:52,285 (Stephen) Poor fellow. 472 00:22:52,327 --> 00:22:53,362 Yes! 473 00:22:54,527 --> 00:22:56,677 There's a good story about Cresus, actually, 474 00:22:56,727 --> 00:22:59,685 who wanted to see which was the best oracle, 475 00:22:59,727 --> 00:23:03,436 so he decided to go round and give them all a test, and say to them, 476 00:23:03,487 --> 00:23:06,320 what am l gonna be doing a month from today? 477 00:23:06,367 --> 00:23:08,403 And what he was actually doing in a month, 478 00:23:08,447 --> 00:23:11,280 was he was boiling a tortoise in a copper pot. 479 00:23:11,327 --> 00:23:14,876 And would you believe it, one of the oracles got it right. 480 00:23:14,927 --> 00:23:18,476 The oracle at Delphi and then he trusted them and said, 481 00:23:18,727 --> 00:23:20,399 "How am l gonna get on in the war?" 482 00:23:20,447 --> 00:23:22,961 And they said something like, a great nation will fall. 483 00:23:23,007 --> 00:23:27,159 He thought, "Brilliant, we'll stuff 'em", but unfortunately, it was his side! 484 00:23:27,207 --> 00:23:29,641 That's a great story, thank you very much, Jo. 485 00:23:29,687 --> 00:23:32,406 Now, what's quite interesting about Robin Hood's tights? 486 00:23:32,447 --> 00:23:35,200 (Party blowers) 487 00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:37,317 Did he lend them to Friar Tuck, 488 00:23:37,367 --> 00:23:40,325 and then when he put them back on he looked like Nora Batty? 489 00:23:40,367 --> 00:23:42,278 (Laughter) 490 00:23:42,327 --> 00:23:44,761 Well, for example, what sort of colour were they? 491 00:23:44,807 --> 00:23:45,876 (Fanfare) 492 00:23:45,927 --> 00:23:48,885 His tights weren't green cos l know how this programme works 493 00:23:48,927 --> 00:23:53,876 and if anyone said green... They were probably hempen-coloured, or beige. 494 00:23:53,927 --> 00:23:59,047 Well, they were almost certainly scarlet. Lincoln graine, g-r-a-i-n-e. 495 00:23:59,087 --> 00:24:01,999 Lincoln was the dyeing centre of England. 496 00:24:02,047 --> 00:24:04,038 Surely that was Will Scarlet's tights? 497 00:24:04,087 --> 00:24:05,236 They probably all were. 498 00:24:05,287 --> 00:24:09,803 They were obsessed with the colour of their clothes, and in the Gest of Robyn Hode... 499 00:24:09,847 --> 00:24:11,917 This is the New Zealand version you're... 500 00:24:11,967 --> 00:24:14,561 Which is our first source of Robin Hood, 501 00:24:14,607 --> 00:24:16,199 which is the 14th Century, 502 00:24:16,247 --> 00:24:18,158 they go on and on about their clothes. 503 00:24:18,207 --> 00:24:20,402 There's a current theory the Robin Hood ballads 504 00:24:20,447 --> 00:24:24,565 were written to tell to the newly formed Livery Guilds, 505 00:24:24,607 --> 00:24:27,201 whose uniform was a hood, to make a hero, 506 00:24:27,247 --> 00:24:30,876 and to show how they, as merchant venturers, 507 00:24:30,927 --> 00:24:33,999 had overcome the difficulty of being Saxons 508 00:24:34,047 --> 00:24:37,198 and beaten the corrupt aristocracy of Normans. 509 00:24:37,247 --> 00:24:41,320 lt's not the triumph of the peasant classes, it's the triumph of the middle classes. 510 00:24:41,367 --> 00:24:44,484 lt goes on about hoods, mantles, kirtles, coats, breeches, shirts - 511 00:24:44,527 --> 00:24:46,677 six different colours of cloth are mentioned. 512 00:24:46,727 --> 00:24:48,718 (Jo) So they were early hoodies, were they? 513 00:24:48,767 --> 00:24:51,122 - They were. - Weren't allowed in shopping centres, 514 00:24:51,167 --> 00:24:53,920 - they had to live in the woods only. - Yes. 515 00:24:53,967 --> 00:24:58,245 Which in those days were much more extensive and a better place for it, l think. 516 00:24:59,127 --> 00:25:03,120 But he was in red, so l don't know how difficult he was to find. 517 00:25:04,127 --> 00:25:07,164 Bright red hooded top in a forest. 518 00:25:07,207 --> 00:25:10,836 That's a very, very big robin over there. 519 00:25:13,207 --> 00:25:16,961 The people who wrote the Robin Hood programme ATV made 520 00:25:17,007 --> 00:25:20,886 were booted out of Hollywood under the sort of anti-communist... 521 00:25:20,927 --> 00:25:24,840 They were, weren't they, blacklisted left-wing writers. 522 00:25:24,887 --> 00:25:27,640 Anyway, what were Cinderella's slippers made of? 523 00:25:28,607 --> 00:25:30,438 (Fanfare) (Stephen) Yes? 524 00:25:30,487 --> 00:25:34,958 (Clive) l know this, it's a mistranslation of the French for fur, "vair", 525 00:25:35,007 --> 00:25:39,523 "verre" like glass, but it's the French for fur, They were like those slippers... 526 00:25:39,567 --> 00:25:42,559 Absolutely right, but what a missed chance, it was squirrel fur. 527 00:25:42,607 --> 00:25:46,316 - Oh no! - Oh, there you are. 528 00:25:48,607 --> 00:25:51,326 (Applause) 529 00:25:51,367 --> 00:25:54,325 ln that story, why does the slipper not go back 530 00:25:54,367 --> 00:25:58,076 to whatever it was before the Fairy Godmother cast her spell? 531 00:25:58,127 --> 00:26:02,359 At midnight the dress goes back to rags, the pumpkin reasserts itself, 532 00:26:02,407 --> 00:26:03,726 the mice come again. 533 00:26:03,767 --> 00:26:06,600 Why does that shoe remain still in its made-up state? 534 00:26:06,647 --> 00:26:09,798 That's the weakness in the plot there! lt would never've got past me. 535 00:26:09,847 --> 00:26:12,805 You're right, the word vair, is still an English word, actually, 536 00:26:12,847 --> 00:26:15,520 you'll find it in the OED, meaning squirrel fur, vair, 537 00:26:15,567 --> 00:26:18,957 and verre is a glass in French, as you know, so that's right. 538 00:26:19,007 --> 00:26:23,319 - Do you know who was responsible for... - Was it the ugly sisters? 539 00:26:23,367 --> 00:26:26,006 Perrault, his name was Charles Perrault. 540 00:26:26,047 --> 00:26:27,765 The Chinese in the 9th century 541 00:26:27,807 --> 00:26:31,038 had a Cinderella story, almost identical with gold slippers, 542 00:26:31,087 --> 00:26:33,317 German version, they're silk and gold. 543 00:26:33,367 --> 00:26:35,597 There's a Scottish version called Rashie Coat, 544 00:26:35,647 --> 00:26:38,400 - and they're made of rushes. - (Clive) No squirrels. 545 00:26:38,447 --> 00:26:40,278 - No trees in Scotland. - Loads of trees. 546 00:26:40,327 --> 00:26:42,318 - Are there? - Scots pines cover the place. 547 00:26:42,367 --> 00:26:46,599 - Caledonian Forest, all chopped down. - l've recently been made president 548 00:26:46,647 --> 00:26:49,445 of the "Shut Up About The Woodland Trust Trust". 549 00:26:49,487 --> 00:26:52,957 (Laughter) 550 00:26:53,007 --> 00:26:55,919 (Applause) 551 00:26:55,967 --> 00:26:57,719 (Stephen) Ah, very good. 552 00:26:57,767 --> 00:27:00,327 So anyway, yes, Disney's film version of Cinderella 553 00:27:00,367 --> 00:27:03,723 and indeed its version of Sleeping Beauty were based on Perrault's tales, 554 00:27:03,767 --> 00:27:06,679 He added the Fairy Godmother and the pumpkin 555 00:27:06,727 --> 00:27:08,524 and the mice and so on. 556 00:27:08,567 --> 00:27:11,559 But the original stories were pretty gruesome. 557 00:27:11,607 --> 00:27:14,883 When the ugly sisters tried to slip into the slipper, 558 00:27:14,927 --> 00:27:17,680 they cut off their toes and their bunions 559 00:27:17,727 --> 00:27:20,924 to try and squeeze in and the slippers filled with blood. 560 00:27:20,967 --> 00:27:24,482 They probably got that idea from Trinny and Susannah. 561 00:27:25,847 --> 00:27:27,758 The wicked stepmother and ugly sisters 562 00:27:27,807 --> 00:27:29,240 were punished by the King. 563 00:27:29,287 --> 00:27:33,075 They had to dance themselves to death wearing red-hot iron boots. 564 00:27:33,127 --> 00:27:35,721 Now, we come to the matter of the scores. 565 00:27:36,367 --> 00:27:39,165 ln first place, with zero points, 566 00:27:39,207 --> 00:27:41,767 - it's Clive Anderson. - Zero! Wahey! 567 00:27:41,807 --> 00:27:44,605 - (Applause) - Nil. 568 00:27:44,647 --> 00:27:49,880 And second equal, l don't think it's happened before, 569 00:27:49,927 --> 00:27:52,885 on minus twenty-three, it's Jo and Phill. 570 00:27:52,927 --> 00:27:56,363 (Applause) 571 00:27:56,407 --> 00:27:58,796 But, ladies and gentlemen, 572 00:27:58,847 --> 00:28:04,205 the saddest, saddest clown is Alan with minus 26. 573 00:28:04,247 --> 00:28:06,078 (All) Aaahhh. 574 00:28:06,127 --> 00:28:08,721 (Applause) 575 00:28:13,487 --> 00:28:18,561 Well that leaves me to thank Phill, Clive, Jo, Alan 576 00:28:18,607 --> 00:28:22,600 and Jack Handey, who brings down the final curtain with this sad clown closer. 577 00:28:22,647 --> 00:28:24,717 "You know what would make a really good story? 578 00:28:24,767 --> 00:28:27,361 "Something about a clown who makes people happy, 579 00:28:27,407 --> 00:28:29,238 "but inside he's real sad. 580 00:28:29,287 --> 00:28:32,165 "And also he has severe diarrhoea." 581 00:28:32,207 --> 00:28:34,801 - Good night. - (Applause) 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net