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(Applause)
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Good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,
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and welcome to Ql,
the show which plucks the low-hanging fruit
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from the groaning tree of knowledge.
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Plucking my plums tonight will be
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- Phill Jupitus.
- (Applause)
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- Dara O'Briain.
- (Applause)
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- Bill Bailey.
- (Applause)
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And Alan Davies.
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(Applause)
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And now let's see
what you actually will be plucking tonight.
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- So if you would, Phil goes...
- (Banjo)
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- Dara goes...
- (Harp)
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- Bill goes...
- (Steel guitar)
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And Alan goes...
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(Chicken clucking)
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Good.
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- Can Alan and mine be played together?
- (Stephen) Try it.
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(Banjo and chicken)
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And you can see the visual accompaniment
on the website.
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Now, as to bonuses,
we have a special wrinkle tonight.
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One of the pieces of information
l will give you will be false
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and you have a Ql doubt card in front of you.
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lf you think that what l've said is untrue,
you may show your card.
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- Just one thing will be untrue?
- (Stephen) Yeah.
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Oh Mr Fry, you spoil us
with your bonus points.
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Well, l like to look after my little guests.
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Now, what l want you to do first is tell me
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all about the 12 Frenchmen
and the 12 mosquitoes.
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(Harp)
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Dara O'Briain.
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Once upon a time,
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there were 12 Frenchmen called...
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(French accent) Appy, Sleepy,
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Arrogant, Furious,
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Quelle qu chose, Comme ca,
Boff and Zute Allors!
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That's six.
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Fenetre, Boulangerie and...
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(Alan) Le Table.
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Le Table, of course,
and Jambon et Fromage. The twins.
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And they used to travel with mosquitoes
solving adventures.
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And what were the mosquitoes called?
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(Bill) Buzzy, Stingy.
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lt was a very, very low read
1950's French detective season,
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that involved, at some point,
the extraction of a tiny amount of blood
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from one of the suspects.
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Do you know what else a mosquito can be,
other than a?
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lt was a World War ll plane
made out of wood.
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Made out of wood, exactly,
made out of balsa wood and plywood.
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- What was their great raid?
- Tuck shop.
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- Was it made into a film?
- (Stephen) lt was.
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There were twelve members of?
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The resistance. The Maquis.
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And they were due to be shot
by the Gestapo.
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And the allies would send in
these 12 Mosquitoes
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to bomb the chateau in Amiens
so that all the prisoners would escape.
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l can't believe that they'd just blow
the bloody doors off...
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- Basically that was it.
...and the whole place, with 12 bombers.
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You're right, they had to go down an avenue
of poplars, which was so narrow...
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"Down the avenue of poplars,
Perpendicular to the ground."
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"That's what you'll have to do."
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There were 700 prisoners in the prison,
102 were killed by the raid to start with.
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74 were wounded.
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Then 258 escaped,
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of which 179 were rounded up
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within the next few days
by the Germans again.
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My girlfriend's grandfather
flew one of those
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and he actually goes now
and visits in Germany
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with a Luftwaffe pilot,
whose plane he shot down during the war,
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and they go and they sit around
and, you know, go, "Ha, great days."
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But neither of them speak
the other language,
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he doesn't speak German
and the Luftwaffe doesn't speak English...
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Do they sit about going...
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(Dara) lf you're standing behind...
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(Applause)
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(Alan) Do a whole re-enactment.
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And for over 50 years
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that German man has been
peeing in your granddad's tea.
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We had an Airfix model of one of those.
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l gave it to my dad for his birthday
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and he made it before breakfast.
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- (Phill) Did he put the transfers on?
- Yeah, painted it and everything.
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That was a pain, cos you had to put them
in hot water and wait for them to slip off.
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And then of course,
with chubby six year-old fingers,
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you just end up covered in swastikas.
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You go to school
and they think you're in the BNP
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and it's, "No, l've been trying to make
a Heinkel, Sir."
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The raid was a partial success.
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But now let's look
at a complete catastrophe.
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When the Titanic sank, what was
the first thing that happened to the crew?
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(Banjo)
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Terrible luck for them, but they actually had
their six month review and...
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(Applause)
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- (Steel guitar)
- (Alan) They drowned.
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- (Alarm bells)
- Did you say they drowned?
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(Alan) l said they drowned, yes.
(Stephen) Oh dear, no.
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- No, l was going to say they were fired.
- Every single member of the crew
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had their wages stopped
at the moment of the sinking.
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They stopped paying them.
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The moment a ship sinks, it is no longer
a ship, therefore you can't work on it,
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therefore the White Star Line paid them
up to the minute of the sinking, not beyond.
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l would imagine that in a sinking situation,
you'd hope to be getting time and a half.
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This is it.
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- (Applause)
- Frankly double bubble.
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Just a little something at the back end.
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As soon as you're in the water,
you've got to be looking for work.
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Get on your pedallo and look for work.
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But apparently, at the time,
White Star were considered
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one of the more generous employers.
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l think it was £5 a month, not very much.
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You know about the Duff Gordon family
on the Titanic?
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And their terrible gin?
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Very good. No, they offered the crew
of lifeboat number one
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£5 to save their lives.
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Nobody's quite sure whether
this was just greed saying,
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"l'll give you £5 if you save my life"
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or whether it was a thank you
because their lives were saved,
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but, whatever the result, the crew
were in terrible trouble for accepting a bribe.
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And one poor lad, Albert Horswell,
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survived, he was one of the lifeboat crew,
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got home, went to see his mother,
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who slammed the door in his face
and never spoke to him again,
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because she was ashamed
that he had taken a bribe.
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She was also bonkers though.
That Mrs Horswell!
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ls it true someone dressed as a lady?
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Supposedly someone did, because
it was women and children first.
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l thought you said somebody
dressed as a baby.
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"Yes, goo goo, indeed, l have a lollipop
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"and l have no control over my bowels
or urine
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"and l am indeed an infant.
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"And l know you think l'm Lord Albermarle,
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"the fact is l'm a little baby with a beard.
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"And madam, might l tell you,
l've been a very naughty baby."
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Following that path, the ones who were
paid £5 were only the Able Seamen.
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How can you tell Able
from Ordinary Seamen?
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Well, erm...
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(Applause)
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When you applied for a job as seaman on...
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you naturally,
you either registered as an Able Seaman
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or an Ordinary Seaman
and they accepted your word.
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But, you kept a log of your work,
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which was the real proof of it,
and it was called
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a Certificate of Continuous Discharge.
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Well, staying with the subject
of catastrophes,
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how would you sink a ship
using pistachios?
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Cargo of pistachio nuts
goes a bit manky or something.
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Ah now Alan,
you are so close on the tail of this.
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- Oh, ho, ho, you can almost feel it pulsing.
- lt's something when they're whole and...
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lt is to do with the very quality
of pistachios, en-masse?
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They become highly volatile,
almost explosive.
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Yes, absolutely right.
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- (Applause)
- They do.
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- Absolutely. l think you share many marks...
- Rubbish, that's complete rubbish.
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Do you not believe it?
Are you playing your doubt card?
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- No, never.
- (Stephen) All right.
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Very wise, very wise, young Alan.
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They are classified under Class 4.2
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of the lnternational Maritime Dangerous
Goods code as flammable solids,
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brackets, "Substances liable to spontaneous
combustion". They will explode.
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A lot of nuts are very much like that.
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The ice cream is green, isn't it?
They're very rarely that green, pistachios.
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Why are they so green, the ice creams?
l don't know.
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(Alan) They only use the green bit.
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Vanilla's black,
and yet vanilla milk shake is white.
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Ugh!?
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As l believe stand-up comedians do.
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Ugh, what's that about, ugh?
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(Applause)
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My next question is,
name another dangerous nut.
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(Steel guitar)
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Er... walnut.
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- Yes.
- ls it?!
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Yes, extraordinary!
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(Applause)
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Like pistachios,
they also can spontaneously combust.
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They explode on contact with fondant.
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So walnut whips are time bombs
waiting to go off.
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That's an amazing guess if it were a guess.
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Fantastic, walnuts, yeah.
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Coconuts are dangerous if they fall
on your head, obviously, but they're not nuts.
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They kill about 150 people a year though.
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Ten times more than sharks do.
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l can't imagine the Discovery Channel
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doing a series of documentaries
on the deadly, deadly coconut.
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Killer coconuts.
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And also people going, "The walnut's had
a bad press. Save the walnut."
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Do adventure holidays
where you sit under a palm tree
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full of coconuts in a cage.
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Filming them.
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l actually won a coconut the other day,
l went to the fair, with a child now, and just...
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- You threw a child?
- Not, you know...
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Yes, it's obviously a little bit easier then.
Whoa!
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l thought l'd get a bit more incentive
to win the coconut
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and l chucked it as hard as l can
and pinged it off
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and the bloke picked up the coconut
and he just glared at me like...
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Because he looks like a coconut,
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he can somehow
have a mystery power over them.
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(Applause)
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- A 70's coconut.
- Yes.
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ls a coconut a nut?
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00:12:09,447 --> 00:12:12,996
- No. You just said it wasn't.
- That's right, l couldn't remember.
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Peanuts, almonds, pistachios,
brazils, cashews, coconuts,
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horse chestnuts, pine nuts are not nuts.
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Tiny shoes.
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You weird man.
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No, they're just kind of seeds or fruits...
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00:12:29,847 --> 00:12:31,997
- Well, a brazil nut is a kind of seed.
- Yes.
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Peanuts are actually peas,
they really are dried peas.
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Peas split in two,
the same way that peanuts do.
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(Stephen) That's right, they do.
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l might get a point for that,
you never know your luck.
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True nuts are walnuts, butternuts, hickory,
pecan, wing nut chestnut, not conkers.
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Beech, oak, stone-oak, tanoak,
hazel, filbert, hornbeam...
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(Alan) Acorns you mean?
(Stephen) Yes, acorns.
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(Bill) What about beetle?
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A beetle... l don't know, actually,
a beetle nut, it could be.
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lmagine if the acorn tasted as good
as it looked in its own little cup,
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little green fella.
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Sadly they taste like shit.
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Beetle nuts are not nuts
it says in my special screen.
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The little Ql elves are hacking away
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at the emerald mine of knowledge
as we speak.
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Now, why would Rolls Royce
have any use for a chicken farm?
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They'd probably use the feathers
to fill the seats with.
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- lnteresting thought.
- (Steel guitar)
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l just, this is just off the... l'm going on,
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l'm on a roll with the walnut.
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ls it something to do
with Rolls Royce engines
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and they test them by throwing chickens...
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Give the man a peanut, he's absolutely right.
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- ls that right?
- Yep.
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(Applause)
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We have to make clear
we're talking about Rolls Royce plc,
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00:13:57,167 --> 00:14:01,365
which is an aero-engine company,
as opposed to Rolls Royce Motor Cars Ltd,
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00:14:01,407 --> 00:14:03,523
which is owned by BMW.
236
00:14:03,567 --> 00:14:06,684
To see the everyday occurrence
of a chicken being caught in your radiator
237
00:14:06,727 --> 00:14:09,878
as you're driving down the road.
lt's just bird strike that they do it for.
238
00:14:09,927 --> 00:14:12,680
lt's bird strike. That sounds so butch
when you put it like that.
239
00:14:12,727 --> 00:14:15,002
You'd have to be relatively butch
to do the job,
240
00:14:15,047 --> 00:14:18,756
just to get over the emotional difficulty
of throwing a live chicken into an aircraft.
241
00:14:18,807 --> 00:14:23,483
lf would take a fair amount of detachment
anyway, at the very least.
242
00:14:23,527 --> 00:14:27,361
Yeah, there are chicken cannons,
they use cannons.
243
00:14:27,407 --> 00:14:31,878
You see, because it is an absolutely vital...
244
00:14:37,327 --> 00:14:38,726
Very good.
245
00:14:38,767 --> 00:14:42,362
l mean the fact is, you probably wouldn't
want to go in an aeroplane
246
00:14:42,407 --> 00:14:46,286
where they hadn't tested for what happened
when a bird got sucked into the engine.
247
00:14:46,327 --> 00:14:49,842
And the only way they can test it is to do it.
So when they have a new engine,
248
00:14:49,887 --> 00:14:54,438
they hurl birds at 180 miles per hour
out of a cannon.
249
00:14:54,487 --> 00:14:56,443
Dead. They died, we hope,
of natural causes.
250
00:14:56,487 --> 00:14:58,478
lt's very, very easy to get someone
251
00:14:58,527 --> 00:15:02,600
to take the job though if you say
you're going to be sucked in a Rolls Royce.
252
00:15:02,647 --> 00:15:05,445
Oh, very good.
253
00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:07,762
Presumably,
before they developed the chicken cannon,
254
00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:09,798
the only other way to do it
would be to send the plane up
255
00:15:09,847 --> 00:15:12,805
and then have it scout around for birds.
256
00:15:14,727 --> 00:15:17,446
They hang a little net bag of peanuts
over the engine.
257
00:15:18,247 --> 00:15:22,240
With a sign saying, "By the way,
these are not nuts. They are peas."
258
00:15:22,287 --> 00:15:25,359
They have their own chicken farm
so they can control the weight and size.
259
00:15:25,407 --> 00:15:28,285
- They also use duck and turkey.
- Turkey?
260
00:15:29,447 --> 00:15:34,316
Not the most adventurous of birds,
altitude wise.
261
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:37,040
Chickens don't get very high either, though,
really, do they?
262
00:15:37,087 --> 00:15:41,046
They do if they're fired from a cannon.
They go, "Wa-hey!"
263
00:15:41,087 --> 00:15:44,079
Whatever happened to firing a bloke
with a helmet out of a cannon?
264
00:15:44,127 --> 00:15:46,118
That was all the rage when l was a kid.
265
00:15:46,167 --> 00:15:51,082
l thnk that he would not do that another time,
once he'd been in the engine once.
266
00:15:51,127 --> 00:15:55,086
lt was invented by a man
called ldelbrando Zacchini,
267
00:15:55,127 --> 00:15:57,243
the real inventor of the human cannonball.
268
00:15:57,287 --> 00:15:59,243
The Zacchini family did it for generations.
269
00:15:59,287 --> 00:16:01,118
(Dara) lt shortens your back.
(Stephen) You're right,
270
00:16:01,167 --> 00:16:03,556
lt compresses your spine, which is like a...
271
00:16:03,607 --> 00:16:07,156
Even worse was when two Zacchini girls
were fired simultaneously,
272
00:16:07,207 --> 00:16:09,721
in a kind of display, they hit each other.
273
00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:13,845
Have you had an accident at work?
274
00:16:13,887 --> 00:16:17,402
(Applause)
275
00:16:17,447 --> 00:16:20,723
Obviously they're now on the advert,
"Mr Zacchini..."
276
00:16:20,767 --> 00:16:25,557
"Well l've been shot out of a cannon
for the last 20 years."
277
00:16:32,767 --> 00:16:36,760
Chickens get fired out of cannons at about
186 miles per hour, which is pretty fast,
278
00:16:36,807 --> 00:16:43,963
but only one three hundred
and sixty thousandth the speed of light,
279
00:16:44,007 --> 00:16:46,885
or C as it is called,
280
00:16:46,927 --> 00:16:50,158
because it is the universal constant
and not relative to anything else.
281
00:16:50,207 --> 00:16:54,758
My C question is,
who invented the theory of relativity?
282
00:16:56,127 --> 00:16:57,924
This is one of your...
283
00:16:59,847 --> 00:17:02,520
Oh, so little trust in the world.
284
00:17:03,447 --> 00:17:08,316
lt was Albert Eggmont.
285
00:17:08,367 --> 00:17:11,837
l'm not going to say.
286
00:17:11,887 --> 00:17:13,639
lt was a very great physicist, do you know?
287
00:17:13,687 --> 00:17:15,917
- Theory of relativity.
- Which one?
288
00:17:15,967 --> 00:17:20,483
The theory of relativity. Not the special one,
not the general one, very good question.
289
00:17:20,527 --> 00:17:25,999
The first theory of relativity, that put to rest
Aristotle's theory of absolute rest, in fact.
290
00:17:26,047 --> 00:17:27,878
Because you're a bit of an old science bod.
291
00:17:27,927 --> 00:17:32,478
Yeah, but you know, not in a way
that l like to be quizzed on television about.
292
00:17:33,407 --> 00:17:36,956
l bet it turns out to be
Einstein and an elaborate bluff.
293
00:17:37,007 --> 00:17:40,158
How much do you want to risk the?
294
00:17:42,367 --> 00:17:44,164
l have the cloak of doubt.
295
00:17:45,247 --> 00:17:47,886
He's a big big hitter, the biggest really.
296
00:17:47,927 --> 00:17:49,838
- Newton.
- Second biggest then.
297
00:17:49,887 --> 00:17:52,196
- Einstein.
- Oh, did you say Einstein?
298
00:17:52,247 --> 00:17:54,283
(Alarm bells)
299
00:17:54,327 --> 00:17:55,919
All that care!
300
00:17:55,967 --> 00:17:59,960
- You took so much care not to say Einstein.
- You know, fish bite hooks?
301
00:18:00,007 --> 00:18:02,999
No, Galileo. Galileo. l'm thinking of Galileo.
302
00:18:03,047 --> 00:18:05,880
He just did telescopes.
303
00:18:05,927 --> 00:18:08,077
Put him right about Galileo.
304
00:18:08,127 --> 00:18:09,879
Just the founder of more modern physics.
305
00:18:09,927 --> 00:18:12,395
Could he make a good pasta sauce?
306
00:18:13,687 --> 00:18:15,484
Anyway, there we are.
307
00:18:15,527 --> 00:18:18,519
Einstein was responsible for the special
and the general theories of relativity,
308
00:18:18,567 --> 00:18:21,798
- in 1905 and 1915 or 16...
- (Dara) 15.
309
00:18:21,847 --> 00:18:23,838
15. l think you're right, yes, respectively.
310
00:18:23,887 --> 00:18:26,959
But the original idea of relativity
was Galileo's.
311
00:18:27,007 --> 00:18:30,636
This is my question to you, what happened
to three quarters of the people
312
00:18:30,687 --> 00:18:32,917
accused of witchcraft in England?
313
00:18:32,967 --> 00:18:34,958
Drowned, burned, killed?
314
00:18:35,007 --> 00:18:39,159
(Alarm bells)
315
00:18:39,207 --> 00:18:42,085
They were much gentler
than you might think, they were acquitted.
316
00:18:42,127 --> 00:18:43,116
- Really?
- Yeah.
317
00:18:43,167 --> 00:18:46,955
ls that sending the wrong message
to witches?
318
00:18:47,007 --> 00:18:50,204
They were apparently
rather resistant to the idea
319
00:18:50,247 --> 00:18:52,636
of destroying witches in England.
320
00:18:52,687 --> 00:18:55,485
Unlike views espoused in so-called books,
321
00:18:55,527 --> 00:18:57,643
and l use the word book very loosely,
322
00:18:57,687 --> 00:19:01,282
like The Da Vinci Code.
323
00:19:02,407 --> 00:19:07,401
lt is complete loose stool-water.
it is arse-gravy of the worst kind.
324
00:19:07,447 --> 00:19:10,086
(Applause)
325
00:19:10,127 --> 00:19:12,163
(Bill) That's a bit harsh.
326
00:19:12,767 --> 00:19:14,758
He's a blues singer.
327
00:19:14,807 --> 00:19:17,082
"Please would you welcome
Lou Stool Water."
328
00:19:17,127 --> 00:19:19,641
(Steel guitar)
329
00:19:19,687 --> 00:19:22,042
(Applause)
330
00:19:22,087 --> 00:19:26,080
Very good. Excellent.
331
00:19:26,127 --> 00:19:31,804
Well that particular pan full of that material
did claim that about 5 million women
332
00:19:31,847 --> 00:19:34,236
were burned or hanged around Europe
for being witches.
333
00:19:34,287 --> 00:19:36,881
There's absolutely no evidence
that it's anything like as much as that.
334
00:19:36,927 --> 00:19:40,920
Probably about 500,
probably less in England.
335
00:19:40,967 --> 00:19:43,037
And they weren't burned, they were hanged.
336
00:19:43,087 --> 00:19:47,717
The lawyer would have said,
"Maybe not go to court dressed like that."
337
00:19:49,247 --> 00:19:52,683
There were two possibly burned, that's
the only evidence, that two were burned,
338
00:19:52,727 --> 00:19:56,083
the rest were hanged, probably about four
or five hundred at the most.
339
00:19:56,127 --> 00:19:59,085
There were lots of Hammer films,
The Devil Rides Out, those kind of things,
340
00:19:59,127 --> 00:20:01,516
usually Peter Cushing
and sometimes, if you were very lucky,
341
00:20:01,567 --> 00:20:04,877
they would have Charles Gray
in a huge white smock.
342
00:20:04,927 --> 00:20:08,556
Peter Cushing lived in Whitstable
when l lived in Whitstable
343
00:20:08,607 --> 00:20:11,679
and a local band had a song about him
which went,
344
00:20:11,727 --> 00:20:13,319
# Peter Cushing lives in Whitstable
345
00:20:13,367 --> 00:20:15,039
# l have seen him on his bicycle
346
00:20:15,087 --> 00:20:16,645
# l have seen him buying vegetables
347
00:20:16,687 --> 00:20:19,201
# Peter Cushing lives in Whitstable #
348
00:20:21,327 --> 00:20:23,477
What a great song!
349
00:20:23,527 --> 00:20:27,406
And then it just goes up...
# Peter Cushing lives in Whitstable... #
350
00:20:28,247 --> 00:20:30,761
This is the first rule of pop music,
write about what you know,
351
00:20:30,807 --> 00:20:33,879
what you see out of the window.
352
00:20:33,927 --> 00:20:35,918
l worked with him, he was extraordinary.
353
00:20:35,967 --> 00:20:38,242
He was one of the few people who,
when he was introduced to a woman,
354
00:20:38,287 --> 00:20:40,323
could kiss their hand.
lt was just from another era.
355
00:20:40,367 --> 00:20:43,404
Whereas Christopher Lee
would bite their finger off.
356
00:20:44,687 --> 00:20:47,121
l was about to do a film
with Christopher Lee, who was rather scary,
357
00:20:47,167 --> 00:20:50,477
and he said, "Oh Chris isn't scary at all,
he's lovely.
358
00:20:50,527 --> 00:20:54,998
"l tell you what, l'll call him up."
And l said, "No, no, no, no."
359
00:20:55,047 --> 00:20:57,845
So we were in the dressing room
and he picked up the phone and said,
360
00:20:57,887 --> 00:20:59,878
"Chris darling, it's Peter."
361
00:20:59,927 --> 00:21:03,966
Oh it's great, it's Van Helsing and Dracula
on the phone together.
362
00:21:06,967 --> 00:21:09,003
He said, "l've got a young actor here
who's going to work with you in a film
363
00:21:09,047 --> 00:21:11,163
"and he's rather scared of you.
So talk to him."
364
00:21:14,287 --> 00:21:17,040
"Hello, who are you?"
"My name's Stephen,
365
00:21:17,087 --> 00:21:18,281
"l'm really looking forward
to working with you in a film."
366
00:21:18,327 --> 00:21:20,318
"Yes, well, l'll see you, l expect, on the set,
367
00:21:20,367 --> 00:21:22,881
"could you pass me back
to Mr Cushing, please."
368
00:21:23,847 --> 00:21:27,726
(Mimics Christopher Lee)
"Peter, l have seen you buying vegetables."
369
00:21:29,287 --> 00:21:32,757
Was there a moment when he said,
"Oh l know, Peter. l'll call him up",
370
00:21:32,807 --> 00:21:38,006
do you expect him to go...
(Mimics Dracula chanting)
371
00:21:42,647 --> 00:21:45,366
"You sought me!?"
372
00:21:46,767 --> 00:21:48,120
Another man l was very proud to have met.
373
00:21:48,167 --> 00:21:50,476
The Hammer film
of The Witchfinder General,
374
00:21:50,527 --> 00:21:53,166
starred "Vincent Price,"
375
00:21:53,207 --> 00:21:55,402
you just wanted him to say things like
376
00:21:55,447 --> 00:21:58,837
"Could you pass the mustard please."
377
00:21:58,887 --> 00:22:02,800
"l would greatly appreciate a napkin."
378
00:22:04,327 --> 00:22:05,806
l got him to say the line that l loved,
379
00:22:05,847 --> 00:22:07,326
it was from one of those films
380
00:22:07,367 --> 00:22:11,201
where he's strangely bound up
in some weird bandagesm
381
00:22:11,247 --> 00:22:12,521
"Pray speak quietly,
382
00:22:12,567 --> 00:22:17,482
"every sound you make
is exquisite agony to me."
383
00:22:18,647 --> 00:22:23,004
And so now to our own little backwater
of superstition, heresy and horror,
384
00:22:23,047 --> 00:22:26,357
the infernal nether regions
of General lgnorance.
385
00:22:26,407 --> 00:22:28,398
So fingers on buzzers, please, if you would.
386
00:22:28,447 --> 00:22:30,438
Name a softwood.
387
00:22:30,487 --> 00:22:31,886
- (Chicken)
- Alan?
388
00:22:31,927 --> 00:22:33,042
Balsa wood.
389
00:22:33,087 --> 00:22:37,444
- (Alarm bells)
- Oh, damn!
390
00:22:37,487 --> 00:22:39,443
- Although it is...
- (Chicken)
391
00:22:39,487 --> 00:22:41,443
Plywood.
392
00:22:43,327 --> 00:22:45,716
- Oh, bless!
- (Chicken)
393
00:22:45,767 --> 00:22:46,995
Pine.
394
00:22:47,047 --> 00:22:50,437
Ah, you get some points back for pine,
which is a softwood.
395
00:22:50,487 --> 00:22:53,399
Balsa wood, although it is the softest,
almost the softest of woods,
396
00:22:53,447 --> 00:22:55,961
is actually a hardwood technically.
397
00:22:56,007 --> 00:22:58,840
lt comes from a broad leafed
deciduous tree.
398
00:22:58,887 --> 00:23:02,766
Balsa is a soft wood, not a softwood.
399
00:23:02,807 --> 00:23:05,196
lt's moth proof as well.
400
00:23:06,287 --> 00:23:09,040
Unlike my trousers!
401
00:23:09,087 --> 00:23:12,602
Oh look, there.
402
00:23:12,647 --> 00:23:13,921
Why do they go in that area?
403
00:23:13,967 --> 00:23:15,195
(Bill) l don't know.
404
00:23:15,247 --> 00:23:19,877
Only flesh and blood l suppose as it were.
405
00:23:19,927 --> 00:23:22,964
While you're down there, my dear...
406
00:23:23,007 --> 00:23:26,079
You will have a light bulb
in your underpants there.
407
00:23:26,127 --> 00:23:29,722
(Applause)
408
00:23:29,767 --> 00:23:31,917
Good heavens above!
409
00:23:31,967 --> 00:23:34,845
Now, so there you are,
yes, balsa wood is moth proof.
410
00:23:34,887 --> 00:23:37,606
What happens though
if you cut an earthworm in half?
411
00:23:37,647 --> 00:23:39,126
- (Alan)
- You get two earthworms?
412
00:23:39,167 --> 00:23:42,682
(Alarm bells)
413
00:23:42,727 --> 00:23:46,515
No, you get one dead worm in two pieces.
414
00:23:46,567 --> 00:23:49,798
They do have death throes
that last a long time, but they are dead,
415
00:23:49,847 --> 00:23:51,166
you don't get two worms l'm afraid.
416
00:23:51,207 --> 00:23:53,721
There is a flatworm called the planaria,
417
00:23:53,767 --> 00:23:57,237
and a man called TH Morgan found
that a piece of planaria,
418
00:23:57,287 --> 00:24:02,441
which was one two hundred
and seventy ninth of its original size,
419
00:24:02,487 --> 00:24:07,117
could regenerate into a whole
originally sized planaria.
420
00:24:07,167 --> 00:24:08,282
As l say, if you cut an earthworm in half,
421
00:24:08,327 --> 00:24:10,045
you get two halves of a dead worm usually.
422
00:24:10,087 --> 00:24:12,123
Sometimes the head end will survive,
423
00:24:12,167 --> 00:24:15,125
but you can't get two worms from one.
424
00:24:15,167 --> 00:24:17,920
Now, moving on, oh l'm holding a pen,
425
00:24:17,967 --> 00:24:19,446
that brings me cleverly
426
00:24:19,487 --> 00:24:21,159
to the Fisher pressurised space pen,
427
00:24:21,207 --> 00:24:22,196
of which you may have heard tell.
428
00:24:22,247 --> 00:24:24,556
lt was developed after
a lot of expensive research
429
00:24:24,607 --> 00:24:28,600
to enable astronauts to write in zero gravity.
430
00:24:28,647 --> 00:24:30,239
What alternative writing implement
431
00:24:30,287 --> 00:24:32,198
could they have used instead?
432
00:24:32,247 --> 00:24:34,283
(Banjo)
433
00:24:34,327 --> 00:24:35,999
Here comes the big noise, a pencil.
434
00:24:36,047 --> 00:24:40,484
- (Alarm bells)
- No!
435
00:24:40,527 --> 00:24:42,722
There is a kind of urban myth
that the Americans spent millions
436
00:24:42,767 --> 00:24:46,282
on building a pressurised gravity-free biro,
437
00:24:46,327 --> 00:24:48,477
while the clever Russians just used a pencil,
438
00:24:48,527 --> 00:24:52,759
but in fact they started off, both of them,
using pencils and the tip broke.
439
00:24:52,807 --> 00:24:54,206
And when the tip breaks it floats around
440
00:24:54,247 --> 00:24:55,805
and it gets into and short-circuits things,
441
00:24:55,847 --> 00:24:57,599
gets into people's eyes and bodies,
442
00:24:57,647 --> 00:24:59,399
is very dangerous indeed.
443
00:24:59,447 --> 00:25:01,165
But what a laugh that must be
444
00:25:01,207 --> 00:25:05,678
to have a pencil sharpener
on the space shuttle, just go...
445
00:25:08,527 --> 00:25:12,759
One of the things to do in zero gravity.
446
00:25:12,807 --> 00:25:14,525
So it's sadly not true that story.
447
00:25:14,567 --> 00:25:16,000
An ordinary biro would have worked,
448
00:25:16,047 --> 00:25:18,436
it didn't need a special pressurised one.
449
00:25:18,487 --> 00:25:19,602
lf you need to write upside down,
450
00:25:19,647 --> 00:25:21,842
it needs to be pressurised
when there's gravity.
451
00:25:21,887 --> 00:25:24,355
But when there's no gravity,
an ordinary one will work.
452
00:25:24,407 --> 00:25:25,442
Here's something quite interesting
453
00:25:25,487 --> 00:25:29,560
not many people know, Neil Armstrong,
when he first set foot on the moon,
454
00:25:29,607 --> 00:25:32,121
he was heard to say,
"Good luck, Mr Gorsky!"
455
00:25:32,167 --> 00:25:34,635
When someone said, "What do you mean
by 'Good luck Mr Gorsky'?"
456
00:25:34,687 --> 00:25:37,599
He said, "When l was a boy,
l used to play baseball with my brother
457
00:25:37,647 --> 00:25:40,445
"and our neighbours
were called the Gorsky's
458
00:25:40,487 --> 00:25:42,398
"and l once hit a baseball into their garden
459
00:25:42,447 --> 00:25:45,359
"and l went to retrieve it
and they were in the bedroom
460
00:25:45,407 --> 00:25:47,079
"and l heard Mrs Gorsky say,
461
00:25:47,127 --> 00:25:52,326
"'l'll have oral sex with you the day that kid
next door walks on the moon!"'
462
00:25:57,007 --> 00:26:01,717
Bollocks!
463
00:26:03,927 --> 00:26:05,201
lt is bollocks, indeed it's bollocks,
464
00:26:05,247 --> 00:26:07,761
but it is surprising
how many people believe it to be true.
465
00:26:07,807 --> 00:26:11,083
Neil Armstrong himself
is constantly being asked about it.
466
00:26:11,127 --> 00:26:13,243
Saying, "ls it true about this Gorsky,
or whatever the name?"
467
00:26:13,287 --> 00:26:15,278
He says. "Oh for God's sake,
no it is not true."
468
00:26:15,327 --> 00:26:16,885
Which brings us to the scores.
469
00:26:16,927 --> 00:26:20,476
Now actually, Dara,
you did rather well last time.
470
00:26:20,527 --> 00:26:21,960
You astounded us with your knowledge
471
00:26:22,007 --> 00:26:23,998
on the triple point of water,
do you remember?
472
00:26:24,047 --> 00:26:25,036
What was it again?
473
00:26:25,087 --> 00:26:26,998
The triple point of water
is the first temperature
474
00:26:27,047 --> 00:26:29,277
at which water can exist in all three states.
475
00:26:29,327 --> 00:26:31,079
- (Stephen) And what is it?
- lt's zero.
476
00:26:31,127 --> 00:26:32,116
(Alarm bells)
477
00:26:32,167 --> 00:26:36,206
Ah, now you see, you see, we never forget.
478
00:26:36,247 --> 00:26:39,922
That's what you said last time
and we gave you points for it...
479
00:26:39,967 --> 00:26:43,482
But we're now going
to take those points away...
480
00:26:44,167 --> 00:26:46,158
From a previous series.
481
00:26:46,207 --> 00:26:47,845
Plus a forfeit of course,
482
00:26:47,887 --> 00:26:50,003
because some of our eagle-eyed viewers
483
00:26:50,047 --> 00:26:52,083
wrote in to point out
that the triple point of water
484
00:26:52,127 --> 00:26:53,116
is actually by definition
485
00:26:53,167 --> 00:26:55,886
nought point nought one degree centigrade,
486
00:26:55,927 --> 00:27:00,284
- that's twelve points off.
- But l was rounding off!
487
00:27:00,327 --> 00:27:01,521
When you were at school, the definition
488
00:27:01,567 --> 00:27:04,206
of the triple point
was nought degrees centigrade.
489
00:27:04,247 --> 00:27:06,966
The new international temperature scale
490
00:27:07,007 --> 00:27:09,396
has adopted in 1990,
491
00:27:09,447 --> 00:27:11,403
the new definition,
which is nought point nought one.
492
00:27:11,447 --> 00:27:13,642
How many people sat at home
watching that and said,
493
00:27:13,687 --> 00:27:17,999
"lt's just a comedy show, but l'm not letting
that fecker get away with that?!"
494
00:27:18,887 --> 00:27:20,445
You'd be surprised...
495
00:27:20,487 --> 00:27:22,762
He got points for that?!
496
00:27:27,727 --> 00:27:30,924
But now l can give you scores.
497
00:27:30,967 --> 00:27:33,117
ln first place, with plus three,
498
00:27:33,167 --> 00:27:36,079
it's Bill Bailey, ladies and gentlemen.
499
00:27:36,967 --> 00:27:38,605
- For the first time l've won.
- (Applause)
500
00:27:38,647 --> 00:27:40,444
ln second place,
501
00:27:40,487 --> 00:27:42,443
and he would have been
a resounding winner,
502
00:27:42,487 --> 00:27:44,364
with minus eight, it's Dara O'Briain,
503
00:27:44,407 --> 00:27:46,523
ladies and gentlemen.
504
00:27:46,567 --> 00:27:48,637
- Pipped at the post.
- (Applause)
505
00:27:48,687 --> 00:27:50,564
Third place with minus eighteen,
506
00:27:50,607 --> 00:27:55,601
Phill Jupitus.
(Applause)
507
00:27:55,647 --> 00:27:59,526
And our super soaraways lack of success,
508
00:27:59,567 --> 00:28:02,127
Alan Davies, minus 47 in fourth place.
509
00:28:02,167 --> 00:28:06,763
(Applause)
510
00:28:09,607 --> 00:28:12,485
So it's good night
from Phil, Dara, Bill and Alan.
511
00:28:12,527 --> 00:28:15,360
And l leave you with this sobering thought
from astronaut John Glenn,
512
00:28:15,407 --> 00:28:17,841
the first man to orbit the earth.
513
00:28:17,887 --> 00:28:21,926
When asked to describe his last thoughts
before taking off into space,
514
00:28:21,967 --> 00:28:24,527
"l looked around me and suddenly realised,"
he said,
515
00:28:24,567 --> 00:28:27,240
"that l was sitting on a million tons of fuel
516
00:28:27,287 --> 00:28:30,120
"in a rocket that had been built
by the lowest bidder."
517
00:28:30,167 --> 00:28:31,441
Good night.
518
00:28:31,487 --> 00:28:34,047
(Applause)
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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