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Well, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

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and welcome to another voyage to the dark continent aboard HMS Pig Ignorant.

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And joining me on the poopdeck this evening we have Admiral Sir Clive Anderson . . .

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and Mr Midshipman, Arthur Smith . . .

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Stoker Reeves...

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and Alan, the ship's cat.

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They buzz with anticipation, and this week, they buzz with nautical noises. Clive goes:

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"General Quarters! General Quarters! All hands, man your battle stations!"

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Arthur goes:

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Vic goes:

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I want Arthur's.

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And I wanted to be a coxswain.

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Yes

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Don't call me "son".

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And Alan goes:

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No, but bless.

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Er, tonight, our "D" theme is "Discoveries", and to that end,

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in front of each one of you here you should find you have a picture,

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which is a picture of a genuine United States Patent Office patent application.

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Er, Arthur, have a look at yours, shall we?

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And Clive, yours looks like this.

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And Vic.

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And Alan, you've got a picture too.

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And you've got the next half hour to think about it.

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At the end of the show I'll ask you exactly what you think they are for.

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And so to our first question, which is something that I've always wanted to know, which is:

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Why does it always rain at the weekend?

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Is it because cricket matches are played at the weekend and . . . ?

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And God doesn't like cricket.

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Well, it's just sort of an element of sod's law, isn't it, that you're trying to do something outdoors . . .

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er, fates, you know, garden fates happen.

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Clive, Clive, sod's law doesn't really exist.

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As a practicing sod and lawyer, I, erm . . .

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If it doesn't exist, I'm sure this government is going to introduce it fairly soon.

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I think more people go out at the weekend and they create a warm front with heat.

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Especially if they haven't got hats on. Because a lot of body heat is lost.

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But the thing is, though, a week is a man-made construct.

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You're right. And which men first made it?

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Well, they had it in the Bible, didn't they?

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That's right, so it's a pre-biblical civilisation first gave us a seven day week.

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But the Romans had an eight day week.

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It's Egyptians or Babylonians . . .

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Babylonians is the right answer.

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The point being that if it's a man-made construct,

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what have we done that makes it rain at the weekends?

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I'm going to give you points, 'cause you're absolutely on the right track.

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It's industry, combustion, all kinds of things like that . . .

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builds up during the working week, and on Saturdays, particularly in America,

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it rains considerably more than it does on other days.

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I remember it raining one Saturday.

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That's a lovely story.

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Did you like that? I knew you'd like it, Stephen.

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That is gorgeous. Anyway, that's the answer.

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More rain falls on a Saturday than on any other day.

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Recent discoveries show this is due to a seven-day dust cycle,

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caused by traffic and industrial activity during the working week.

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Now, next question. What connects gelignite, saccharin, and the rings around Uranus?

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This is what I call a fantastic night out.

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Well, if this is about discoveries, er ...

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the only thing I know about gelignite is it was invented by Nobel, of the Nobel Prize.

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Exactly. It was, yes.

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And this is a safety version of dynamite.

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Gelignite is safer than nitroglycerine, which is what's inside dynamite.

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Nitroglycerine escapes from the dynamite and it blows people up, including Nobel's brothers.

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If you get that on your hands, you can get a headache and they call it a bang head.

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I learnt that on Brainiac.

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You're . . . You're absolutely right.

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I have reason to believe that it was invented by mistake.

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Hooray! Top marks, absolutely right. They're all serendipitous accidental inventions.

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When were the rings around Uranus discovered?

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Quite recently I think, wasn't it?

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The rings of Uhr-anus were discovered in 1977, actually.

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When did it stop being called Uranus?

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About five minutes ago, I said "Uhr-anus".

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I suddenly noticed that it could sound like "your . . . anus". And, er . . .

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I can't remember who discovered it, but he . . .

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the guy who discovered it wanted to call it George Planet...

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He did.
...after the King.

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Herschel his name was.
Herschel, there you are.

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In 1781. Yes.

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You can't ask for, erm, Anusol in that way in a shop. You have to pronounce it "Ahn-usol".

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It's a slightly embarrassing product: Let's call it Anusol!

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"Can I have some Cock-Wart-Go?"

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It might as well be, mightn't it? Ridiculous.

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"And whilst I'm at it, I'll have a packet of those spunk bags!"

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Well, anyway.

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Alfred Nobel was trying to make dynamite more stable, and he discovered by adding collodium...

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He'd had some on his finger; it was used . . .

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I don't know if you ever used it as an actor, if you've ever had to had a scar;

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it tightens on the skin very hard, and they used to use it as a sort of liquid plaster.

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He cut himself and he thought, "This is a very odd stuff,"

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and he just thought he'd try mixing it with lots of other things,

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and he accidentally mixed it with his nitroglycerine,

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and it formed a jelly which you could throw around,

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unlike nitroglycerine, which as you know, is very very unstable.

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Er, saccharin, er . . .

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He forgot to wash his hands after playing with some chemicals and then found his food tasted sweet.

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So he's an American, obviously, because he ate with his fingers.

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There's a huge number of things that are discovered by accident.

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Trousers.

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Trousers were discovered by accident, yes.

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When somebody accidentally fell into two drain pipes.

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Hey presto! No more embarrassing walks.

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That's like the story of Roquefort, when a . . . a young shepherd boy . . .

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Just picture the scene; he's . . . he's dropped his cheese in a hole.

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I've . . . I've often pictured the scene of young shepherd boys dropping their cheese in a hole.

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And six months later he's sheltering in the cave and he found this bit of cheese, and he's starving, and it's all rotten.

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And he thought, "Oh, well, what the hell, I'll eat it anyway. Mm, it's delicious."

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And that's how blue cheese was discovered, children.

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The 3M company were after a paper glue that would stick cards and paper together really strongly,

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and one of their research chemists was so bad at it that he just ...

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But it sort of stuck, but it just . . . you just peeled it off,

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and so came up with the Post-It note, which was an accident as well.

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Caffeine, Silly Putty, Viagra. And another accident, of course: the Americas.

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They're not all successful!

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So yes. The most serendipitous discovery perhaps was Penicillin, a great cure for diseases,

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and while we're on the subject of diseases, who suffered from Chagas Disease?

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I did, you know, what I mean? I bloody shagged them all!

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Thank you very much! Taxi! I'm off.

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We didn't see that one coming!

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Is it something to do with shag pile carpets and the dust that comes from the shag pile

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that is drawn in through the nasal passage into the lungs, perhaps called "woolly lung"?

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I love that idea, but it's not that.

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How are you spelling this Chagas disease?

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Ah, now, that's a good question, how you spell it, but it's actually spelt C-H-A-G-A-S. Chagas.

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I think it's some sort of virus or a bacterium or a parasitic disease.

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It's a parasitic disease.

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It is some sort of equatorial disease? I'm sure I've had an injection against this, or something.

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If anyone needed an injection against Chagas disease, it's . . .

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Well, now you're doing his bit!

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- Now you're doing it too!
- You hypocrite!

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It's infectious!

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It was a famous person who had it.

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And what's our letter of the series?

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D.

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D. It's a famous D.

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- Darwin!
- Charles Darwin.

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Charles Darwin had Chagas disease, and he described it. It's pretty unpleasant, I have to say.

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Did he get it off the Beagle?

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Er . . . He did.

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Oh, look how it took him. Oh, look.

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The description of Chagas disease is unpleasant:

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"Vomiting, preceded by shivering, hysterical crying, dying sensations; half-faint, copious and very pallid urine."

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This is pre-menstrual tension.

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What about this one, this is an odd one, now:
"Vomiting, and every passage of flatulence preceded by ringing of ears."

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Mine's followed by ringing of the ears.

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And he had this for fifty years?

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For fifty years he had that.

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Very sad.

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Amusing name, but by no means an amusing condition.

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Chagas disease is a serious problem still for millions of people all over, particularly, South America.

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It was discovered by Carlos Chagas.

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It's unique in the history of medicine,

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inasmuch as it is the only disease that was entirely described by one single researcher.

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Charles Darwin, one of the great discoverers of all time, of course, described many things, with one notable exception.

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What was Darwin's problem with brown owl, and why did he not describe it?

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Now, clearly if one makes a joke about Girl Guides here . . .

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like he was traumatised during a period in the Girl Guides, er . . .

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There we go.

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Kill me now.

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We even predicted your mistake, 'cause I think . . . Isn't Brown Owl Brownies?

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Yeah. He must have died before they had . . .

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Before the Brownies existed, exactly.

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He probably ate it or something.

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Ah.!

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So he ate brown owls, you're saying.

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Well, actually, he didn't, because he described it as "indescribable".

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Which is why he didn't describe the brown owl.

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Well, actually, as food, he meant.

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Because Charles Darwin, one of the greatest scientists, one of the greatest men, really, of any age,

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was considered a very dim pupil, and couldn't spell, and was terrible at arithmetic and went to Cambridge;

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the only subject his father thought was fit for him was divinity.

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And he spent his time chasing rats and shooting and looking at animals and eating strange animals.

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He was a member of the Gourmet Society, or the Gluttons, as it was known at Cambridge,

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and their aim in life was to eat as many rare and peculiar animals, like bitterns and hawks,

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but brown owl they didn't like at all. And all the others became Bishops and Arch Deacons.

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But . . . This is a . . . Does this still exist, this, er, club?

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Exist? Stephen's the President of it, for goodness' sake!

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I wondered why he's invited me round for fox en cr?me later.

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Panda, that's the . . . Ooh, that's lovely.

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I've got a book at home . . .

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It's the equivalent of the Collins Book of Birds, from 1850, and after describing each bird, at the end it will say . . .

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For instance, a buzzard: "It tastes a little bit milder than a golden eagle, but still quite palatable."

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Does it have a wine recommendation at the bottom?
 "We suggest a Chablis or a new world Merlot."

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Do you know what you should drink with the beating heart of a cobra?

186
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And this is a dish in China where you get a cobra, and it's brought to the table alive;

187
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they then slice it open, rip the heart out and it's beating on the plate there.
You have to chase it round the plate, I suppose!

188
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And then you drink the blood of the snake as the wine.

189
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"Actually, I ordered the lasagna!"

190
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What's the most disgusting thing you've ever eaten, Alan?

191
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Ear wax.

192
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Your own? 
It was your own.

193
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It's really horrible.

194
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It's bitter.

195
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- I mean even . . . just a tiny bit on the end of your finger.
- Sweet 'n' sour.

196
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Imagine if you had to have a sandwich of it.

197
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Oh! Oh, no, no.

198
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And like, really, like a block of it.

199
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Ah! Anyway, erm, a Phylum Feast is held on the 12th February every year by zoologists and biologists,

200
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in which they try and eat as many different species as possible,

201
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in honour of Charles Darwin, whose birthday that was.

202
00:12:40,890 --> 00:12:43,760
Now, what's quite interesting about this sentence?

203
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"Serrated nor'wester sea-breezes caress rambling sea-lion kumquat excursion."

204
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They're all in different colours!

205
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One individual introduced all these words into the English language.

206
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John Macefield.

207
00:12:59,510 --> 00:13:00,370
No, it was earlier than that.

208
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Nicholas Parsons.

209
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James Cook.

210
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Er, not James Cook. Funnily enough, it was the first Englishman to set foot in Australia.

211
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He was a hero to many, many people, and spoke many languages . . . .

212
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He was the first man ever to work out the importance of wind over currents and publish wind maps.

213
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Cook used him; Nelson used him.

214
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All right, we all feel we're thick as hell compared to you. Let's hear the name of the bloke.

215
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I have to confess he was a vague name to me; I knew nothing about him before.

216
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William Dampier his name was.

217
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I was going to say "Dampier"! I've got two first editions of Dampier's Voyages and there he is. 1701.

218
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But I didn't think he went there.

219
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Have you read these books, then?

220
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Yeah, I have! And there's . . . there's no mention of Australia.

221
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For about a hundred years, almost every voyager carried a copy of his voyages around with them.

222
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A New Voyage Round the World was his huge best-seller.

223
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So why isn't he famous, like . . .

224
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He should be, because there's a subsequent question, which you might now get.

225
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How did he influence two of the most famous books in English?

226
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Er, Robinson Crusoe?

227
00:13:57,420 --> 00:13:58,340
Robinson Crusoe is one.

228
00:13:58,630 --> 00:14:00,970
But no, that wasn't him. That was Alexander Selkirk.

229
00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:03,480
One other book.

230
00:14:03,690 --> 00:14:04,520
Peter Rabbit.

231
00:14:04,610 --> 00:14:05,640
Gulliver's Travels.

232
00:14:11,510 --> 00:14:14,360
Yes. Can I just . . . Gulliver's Travels is a sort of fantasy version of his . . .

233
00:14:14,450 --> 00:14:18,660
That's right, it's a kind of parody/fantasy version, and he mentions Dampier in the preface, and, er,

234
00:14:18,860 --> 00:14:22,860
he bases the Yahoos on Dampier's descriptions of the Aboriginals of Australia.

235
00:14:22,850 --> 00:14:24,130
But was he stranded on an island?

236
00:14:24,870 --> 00:14:29,890
No, the voyage on which Alexander Selkirk was a first mate was organised by Dampier,  and he was on board as well.

237
00:14:29,990 --> 00:14:37,070
And there was a captain who had furious rows with the young twenty-seven-year-old Alexander Selkirk, a Scot.

238
00:14:37,370 --> 00:14:38,870
And he tried to go round the Horn of South America.

239
00:14:38,970 --> 00:14:45,910
And the fourth time, they arrived on this M?s a Tierra, this little island four hundred miles off the west coast of Chile.

240
00:14:46,050 --> 00:14:50,380
And Alexander Selkirk said, "You can get me off here; I don't want to sail any more with you as captain."

241
00:14:50,410 --> 00:14:53,960
And he took his, you know, mattress and some books and some equipment and . . .

242
00:14:54,050 --> 00:14:58,120
and then on the beach, and then the ship prepared to go and he thought, "I've changed my mind."

243
00:14:58,290 --> 00:15:00,480
And Streadling, the captain, said, "Tough," and went off.

244
00:15:01,820 --> 00:15:03,410
So it wasn't . . . it wasn't a wreck; it was just a hissy fit.

245
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:06,370
He left him . . . left him for four and a half years on his own there.

246
00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:09,220
And then another ship came, The Duke.

247
00:15:09,780 --> 00:15:11,090
And it had Sue Lawley on board.

248
00:15:13,710 --> 00:15:15,810
But the pilot of the other ship who came up was William Dampier--

249
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:17,660
--who picked him up and rescued him.

250
00:15:18,630 --> 00:15:22,050
And on the way back, they took charge of a Spanish ship laden . . .

251
00:15:23,770 --> 00:15:26,480
laden Spanish ship, all due to Selkirk's superior seamanship.

252
00:15:27,230 --> 00:15:31,640
And he went onto the ship that they captured and sailed it back; made a fortune from the prize money.

253
00:15:32,050 --> 00:15:36,500
But what happened to him? He couldn't readjust to society after being Robinson Crusoe, as it were,

254
00:15:37,290 --> 00:15:39,640
and he went to live in a cave in Scotland for fifteen years.

255
00:15:40,610 --> 00:15:43,600
And then Defoe wrote the book Robinson Crusoe and he became a huge celebrity;

256
00:15:44,020 --> 00:15:46,570
people came to visit him in his cave and he got very annoyed.

257
00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:50,660
So he joined the Navy, and off the coast of Africa drank infected water and died.

258
00:15:51,380 --> 00:15:53,620
Dampier wasn't well liked either, because he was a privateer.

259
00:15:53,790 --> 00:15:58,560
And, er, also, another person on one of his ships was John Silver,

260
00:15:58,930 --> 00:16:03,120
who was a peg-leg and he was just an ordinary seaman, but he was there.

261
00:16:03,430 --> 00:16:07,210
Israel Hans was real. He was shot in the legs by Blackbeard.

262
00:16:07,410 --> 00:16:07,900
Oh, really? 

264
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:15,110
Edward Teach, was it not his name?

265
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:16,290
Edward Teach, yes.

266
00:16:16,590 --> 00:16:19,730
I know that there's a bloke in Moby Dick called Starbuck who liked coffee.

267
00:16:19,841 --> 00:16:20,359
There was indeed. 

268
00:16:21,486 --> 00:16:22,895
And his best friend was Costa. 

269
00:16:24,608 --> 00:16:26,412
I think I know that 'cause you told me. 

270
00:16:26,501 --> 00:16:28,540
Yeah, well, no, it's good to know. 

271
00:16:29,009 --> 00:16:33,730
There's an extraordinary academic book called Sodomy and the Pirate Tradition. Do you know that book? 

272
00:16:33,725 --> 00:16:34,927
I've got it, yeah. 

273
00:16:35,592 --> 00:16:40,941
Tom Baker came up to me and said,  "Jim, I think you might find this interesting." 

274
00:16:45,066 --> 00:16:46,515
It's a fine book and I recommend it. 

275
00:16:46,933 --> 00:16:50,472
The name of the show is Quite Interesting; I think Vic here has been more than quite interesting. 

276
00:16:50,466 --> 00:16:53,085
I'm going to give you twenty points for this fantastic stuff. Well, done.

277
00:16:53,186 --> 00:16:54,186
Brilliant. 

278
00:16:58,804 --> 00:17:02,229
Now, what two discoveries do we owe to this gentleman?

279
00:17:04,780 --> 00:17:06,189
Shorts and socks. 

280
00:17:08,230 --> 00:17:12,226
I would say this is the first ever full mince. 

281
00:17:14,992 --> 00:17:16,795
He looks a bit like Harry Houdini.

282
00:17:16,897 --> 00:17:19,016
- He is similarly a . . .  
- Is he a circus performer? Is he a . . . ?

283
00:17:19,117 --> 00:17:21,917
A circus performer is so precisely what he is. 

284
00:17:23,054 --> 00:17:24,221
And that's his outfit. 

285
00:17:24,372 --> 00:17:25,705
His outfit is his name. 

286
00:17:25,806 --> 00:17:27,306
Ted Tights. 

287
00:17:27,537 --> 00:17:31,440
Jules . . . He is Ted Tights, but Jules Leotard.

288
00:17:31,541 --> 00:17:32,441
Ah, Leotard...

289
00:17:32,572 --> 00:17:34,578
- His name is Leotard. 
- Ted Tights by other means. 

290
00:17:34,657 --> 00:17:38,825
He is the man about whom the song "The Daring Young Man on the Flying Trapeze" was written. 

291
00:17:38,894 --> 00:17:40,833
You said two inventions, though. Two discoveries. 

292
00:17:40,896 --> 00:17:43,124
He invented the somersault through the air onto another trapeze. 

293
00:17:43,244 --> 00:17:48,004
He also invented hummous, which was discovered when he peeled off the leotard! 

294
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,784
And when left to rot, it turns into taramasalata. 

295
00:17:56,811 --> 00:17:57,776
It was most unpleasant! . . . 

296
00:17:57,908 --> 00:18:03,032
He of course didn't call it a leotard, it was only called that after his death. He called it a maillot. M-A-I-L-L-O-T. 

297
00:18:03,697 --> 00:18:08,161
So if I had an unusual item of clothing that had never been seen before, we could call it a Smith. 

298
00:18:08,289 --> 00:18:09,213
You could. 

299
00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:12,114
You're wearing it now!

300
00:18:14,108 --> 00:18:17,960
So we say thank you to Jules Leotard for the flying trapeze and the leotard.

301
00:18:18,220 --> 00:18:23,266
Lastly, we must come now to a relatively recent discovery.

302
00:18:23,367 --> 00:18:27,467
 Name something quite interesting that kangaroos can't do.

303
00:18:27,847 --> 00:18:28,810
They can't drive. 

304
00:18:32,412 --> 00:18:33,662
That's kind of true. 

305
00:18:34,158 --> 00:18:36,864
I'm going to reduce it, then, to a bodily . . . a bodily. 

306
00:18:37,064 --> 00:18:39,202
They can't smell. They can't climb trees. 

307
00:18:39,348 --> 00:18:40,771
It's a bodily function, I'm afraid. 

308
00:18:40,915 --> 00:18:42,845
- Can't fart. 
- "They cannot fart" is the right answer. 

309
00:18:44,401 --> 00:18:45,557
They're just too polite.

310
00:18:46,258 --> 00:18:46,769
Well done. 

311
00:18:49,603 --> 00:18:51,522
But you do wonder how they found this out. 

312
00:18:51,523 --> 00:18:52,523
Well, and you . . . Absolutely. 

313
00:18:52,828 --> 00:18:54,952
"We've been here for two hundred years and not . . .

314
00:18:54,953 --> 00:18:58,553
not one of those damn kangaroos has farted! I can't believe it!" 

315
00:19:00,281 --> 00:19:04,586
The odd thing is that they eat exactly the same sort of diet as cows, who fart an enormous amount.

316
00:19:04,699 --> 00:19:07,594
In fact, cows fart so much that they're a threat to the planet, aren't they. 

317
00:19:07,695 --> 00:19:09,195
Oh, yeah, let's blame the cows. 

318
00:19:10,340 --> 00:19:13,605
Well, it's our fault for domesticating them and having huge prairies of them, isn't it? 

319
00:19:13,625 --> 00:19:14,918
But why can't they fart? 

320
00:19:15,097 --> 00:19:16,819
Have they got really big arseholes? 

321
00:19:18,321 --> 00:19:19,273
Or very tight ones. 

322
00:19:19,793 --> 00:19:22,126
No, that would create a high pitched fart. 

323
00:19:22,225 --> 00:19:23,788
Let me tell you, I'm the prince. 

324
00:19:25,961 --> 00:19:27,349
Trapped wind is terrible. 

325
00:19:29,162 --> 00:19:33,241
Yeah. Well, that's the point, is that it's one of forty different bacteria that are in the kangaroo's gut that aren't in a cow's gut, 

326
00:19:33,326 --> 00:19:39,249
and they want to isolate it and maybe try giving it to a cow and see if that will stop cows farting. 

327
00:19:39,190 --> 00:19:41,664
Well, these cows will then swell to this enormous size. 

328
00:19:42,708 --> 00:19:47,530
Because it would be fantastic to be in charge of a good brutal fart when you jump like that, wouldn't it. 

329
00:19:48,062 --> 00:19:53,066
It could give you an extra foot in the area, wouldn't it? 

330
00:19:53,223 --> 00:19:56,543
It's cheap, but true, and potentially of world shattering importance, 

331
00:19:56,344 --> 00:19:59,044
because if we can get cows to stop farting, we may well save the planet. Who knows?

332
00:20:00,274 --> 00:20:08,143
Now, we will move on, as our flimsy bark of ignorance brings us to the great "terror incognito" that we call General Ignorance. 

333
00:20:08,072 --> 00:20:13,820
So fingers on buzzers if you would, please, and let's see what swamps and quicksands lay awaiting. 

334
00:20:13,913 --> 00:20:17,086
What did Queen Victoria have to say about her musical bottom? 

335
00:20:20,376 --> 00:20:22,052
It was, er, Le Petomane. 

336
00:20:22,309 --> 00:20:25,727
Ah, no it wasn't that kind of bottom. It was the kind of bottom that you wear. 

337
00:20:25,896 --> 00:20:27,030
A bustle. 

338
00:20:27,143 --> 00:20:30,772
Bustles. A musical bustle was made for her for her golden jubilee. 

339
00:20:30,907 --> 00:20:35,119
And the tune that it played, when she sat down, was . . . Arthur? 

340
00:20:36,250 --> 00:20:37,347
We are not amused. 

341
00:20:37,466 --> 00:20:41,065
No, no, press-- 
Oh, no! You didn't say that, did you? 

342
00:20:41,391 --> 00:20:42,896
You forced him into that! 

343
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:47,093
What I meant, Arthur, was . . . press yours. 

344
00:20:49,079 --> 00:20:51,778
Exactly. No, it was "God Save The Queen". 

345
00:20:51,864 --> 00:20:53,006
Oh, how annoying. 

346
00:20:53,074 --> 00:20:55,360
The idea was that, of course, if you'd sit down then it would play "God Save The Queen"

347
00:20:55,446 --> 00:20:59,518
 and then everyone would stand, you know, have to stand up. But apparently she was amused, I'm sorry to say. 

348
00:20:59,641 --> 00:21:02,526
The mark of a true queen, er, Stephen, apparently-- 

349
00:21:02,652 --> 00:21:05,674
--is that you never have to look around when you sit down. 

350
00:21:05,797 --> 00:21:07,757
And she didn't look behind her to see if there was a chair,

351
00:21:07,966 --> 00:21:10,283
because a chair would always be put underneath her. 

352
00:21:10,284 --> 00:21:12,084
So that you could spot if it was a fake queen.

353
00:21:14,284 --> 00:21:15,941
Somebody, at some point . . . 

354
00:21:16,092 --> 00:21:18,319
Some teacher of the royals has said,

355
00:21:18,419 --> 00:21:22,375
 "Whenever you go out anywhere just look around at anything."

356
00:21:22,404 --> 00:21:25,826
It doesn't really matter what you're looking at, but they're just constantly looking about.

357
00:21:26,177 --> 00:21:27,739
Like there's a fly loose in the room. 

358
00:21:28,949 --> 00:21:33,443
But anyway, there you are. That was the musical bottom. Er, what goes "tu-whit, tu-whoo"?

359
00:21:33,692 --> 00:21:36,393
Oh, I'm going to say "brown owl" just to get rid of the points, you know. Just to . . .

360
00:21:37,355 --> 00:21:39,314
Yeah, you see, I just . . . I just . . .  

361
00:21:40,950 --> 00:21:43,821
If only you'd said brown owls. 

362
00:21:43,903 --> 00:21:46,468
Two brown owls go "tu-whit, tu-whoo", but one never can. 

363
00:21:46,716 --> 00:21:48,959
Oh, one goes "tu-whit" and one goes "tu-whoo". 

364
00:21:49,126 --> 00:21:52,881
Exactly. We might even be able to whip up the sound of it for you. 

365
00:21:55,571 --> 00:21:57,891
That's the "tu-whit". And that was the "whoo".

366
00:21:59,094 --> 00:22:04,472
In legal, er, documents and statutes, you always construe the singular to include the plural.

367
00:22:09,906 --> 00:22:12,999
I'll half the penalty if you can tell me is it the male who goes "whoo", or the female?

368
00:22:13,602 --> 00:22:17,078
I'd have thought the . . . the female would have the last word, so the male would go "tu-whit." "Whoo." 

369
00:22:17,165 --> 00:22:18,387
Oh, it's the other way round. 

370
00:22:18,779 --> 00:22:20,859
The female goes "twit", and . . . and, er-- 

371
00:22:21,262 --> 00:22:22,795
And the male goes "Who?" 

372
00:22:25,497 --> 00:22:29,708
Anyway, why did Fernville Lord Digby work in the nude? 

373
00:22:31,597 --> 00:22:33,117
Ah, is that him there? 

374
00:22:33,150 --> 00:22:35,929
No, I don't know, who that is. I . . . God. 

375
00:22:36,106 --> 00:22:37,538
Don't turn round! 

376
00:22:37,639 --> 00:22:38,584
Because he was a dog. 

377
00:22:38,964 --> 00:22:39,856
Because he was a dog?

378
00:22:40,159 --> 00:22:41,271
It was the Dulux dog. 

379
00:22:41,383 --> 00:22:42,798
You're absolutely right! 

380
00:22:42,862 --> 00:22:44,427
Oh, brilliant. 

381
00:22:45,198 --> 00:22:45,976
That was the second one. 

382
00:22:46,285 --> 00:22:47,984
Well done. 

383
00:22:49,523 --> 00:22:54,242
I always wonder why they have a dog on the Andrex . . . you know, the toilet paper adverts,

384
00:22:54,817 --> 00:22:59,118
as though there's a sort of implication that, really, you'd rather be wiping your arse with a dog. 

385
00:23:02,776 --> 00:23:03,975
Thank you very much. 

386
00:23:04,963 --> 00:23:11,240
But, actually, what was the French, erm . . . What was that French decadent writer? Rabalet. 

387
00:23:13,482 --> 00:23:14,436
Rabalet says . . .  

388
00:23:14,033 --> 00:23:16,149
Always wiped his arse with a dog. 

389
00:23:16,272 --> 00:23:18,141
No, he did . . . No, with a swan's neck. 

390
00:23:18,193 --> 00:23:21,682
That's what he said. The best . . . He did a survey. "Wipe your arse--"

391
00:23:21,706 --> 00:23:23,126
Sorry. Getting seagulls, going like that. 

392
00:23:23,127 --> 00:23:24,627
It was the best thing to wipe your arse with.

393
00:23:24,728 --> 00:23:27,228
And then put it back on the Seine.  "Off you go!" 

394
00:23:27,584 --> 00:23:29,886
That's really . . . That's really flossing, isn't it?

395
00:23:32,445 --> 00:23:35,428
But how astonishingly successful, for all its oddity, as you say . . . 

396
00:23:35,457 --> 00:23:37,248
I mean, the fact is, people now, all over Britain,

397
00:23:37,349 --> 00:23:40,049
if they can't remember that that's called an old English sheep dog,

398
00:23:40,197 --> 00:23:42,028
they say, "Oh, they've got one of those lovely Dulux dogs." 

399
00:23:42,029 --> 00:23:44,229
I mean, they're actually called that now, aren't they?

400
00:23:44,028 --> 00:23:48,072
It did more for the sales of old English sheep dogs than it did for the paint. 

401
00:23:48,129 --> 00:23:51,155
And there's, again, the implication that you could paint using the dog.

402
00:23:53,041 --> 00:23:53,593
Who knows? 

403
00:23:54,118 --> 00:23:57,091
I had occasion to hire a theatrical duck once. 

404
00:23:59,923 --> 00:24:00,753
A luvvy duck. 

405
00:24:02,021 --> 00:24:07,026
In my career I've had occasion to hire many, many an animal. 

406
00:24:08,642 --> 00:24:10,354
But the most expensive was a pelican. 

407
00:24:11,227 --> 00:24:12,513
Was it an enormous bill?

408
00:24:13,111 --> 00:24:14,964
Hey! 

409
00:24:15,128 --> 00:24:17,150
You weren't going to say that were you? 

410
00:24:17,250 --> 00:24:19,313
- No, I wasn't, no.
- Oh, good.

411
00:24:19,367 --> 00:24:21,415
But do give yourself ten points for that.

412
00:24:22,543 --> 00:24:26,193
Anyway now, it's time to guess your patent, if you'd be so kind.

413
00:24:26,230 --> 00:24:27,841
Alan, what have you got for us?

414
00:24:27,915 --> 00:24:30,283
Well, it's some sort of electrified Christmas stocking. 

415
00:24:31,260 --> 00:24:32,614
It's a shoe bomb.

416
00:24:33,327 --> 00:24:36,158
Why would you want an electrified Christmas stocking anyway?

417
00:24:36,634 --> 00:24:38,681
It's a Santa Claus detector. 

418
00:24:38,482 --> 00:24:39,682
Oh, of course. 

419
00:24:39,483 --> 00:24:42,483
It's got a motion detection; you hang it amongst your other stockings, 

420
00:24:41,350 --> 00:24:46,293
and when Santa Claus comes, it triggers a light and an alarm on it. 

421
00:24:46,338 --> 00:24:47,461
There's no such thing as Santa Claus. 

422
00:24:47,521 --> 00:24:49,184
I know there isn't. 

423
00:24:49,695 --> 00:24:50,863
This is a waste of time. 

424
00:24:51,079 --> 00:24:52,350
A waste of time. Clive? 

425
00:24:52,962 --> 00:24:59,044
This looks like a bra where you've got a little nozzle, and you can blow down it to inflate the bra. 

426
00:24:59,122 --> 00:25:02,528
So this is clearly designed for a woman who maybe thinks that one of her brea-- 

427
00:25:02,627 --> 00:25:03,980
A woman with no arms. 

428
00:25:04,047 --> 00:25:07,246
Oh, yes. I wasn't going to mention that. 

429
00:25:07,317 --> 00:25:09,249
She's got one breast she feels is slightly smaller than the other, 

430
00:25:09,369 --> 00:25:12,425
but she doesn't make a big thing of it except when she's walking past somebody who she fancies, 

431
00:25:12,526 --> 00:25:15,026
so she can quickly and surreptitiously inflate the breast. 

432
00:25:17,076 --> 00:25:20,073
Oddly enough, your breath was going in the wrong direction. You're blowing when you should be sucking. 

433
00:25:20,676 --> 00:25:21,296
So you suck . . . ? 

434
00:25:21,317 --> 00:25:23,907
You basically have drink in your bra, and you . . .

435
00:25:25,274 --> 00:25:27,806
 you can surreptitiously suck your drink out of it. 

436
00:25:28,070 --> 00:25:33,152
It's only going to be for red wine though, isn't it, because it's going to be too warm for white wine or beer or . . .  

437
00:25:33,267 --> 00:25:34,856
Or what about Ovaltine?

438
00:25:36,937 --> 00:25:41,695
Yeah. "Could I have one of those Ovaltine bras I've heard so much about?"

439
00:25:41,906 --> 00:25:45,051
"She came in here reeking of Ovaltine!" 

440
00:25:48,642 --> 00:25:50,172
What's yours, young Arthur? 

441
00:25:50,454 --> 00:25:52,819
Ah, yes. I remember Clive Anderson in his thirties. 

442
00:25:55,360 --> 00:26:02,729
And, er, I can't hardly believe it, but maybe someone has, actually patented the comb-over. 

443
00:26:02,832 --> 00:26:03,652
You're absolutely right.

444
00:26:03,753 --> 00:26:09,353
 On May 10th, 1977, Frank Smith from Orlando, Florida, filed a patent for

445
00:26:09,454 --> 00:26:14,654
"a method of styling hair to cover partial baldness using only the hair on a person's head". 

446
00:26:14,732 --> 00:26:16,498
But why is his head the colour of a baboon's arse? 

447
00:26:17,945 --> 00:26:20,892
Have you got the full details of this that I could take away and study for . . . just general interest? 

448
00:26:23,386 --> 00:26:31,432
If you look at this picture, though, what you'll see is a horse with its tail and that's just the end of it there. 

449
00:26:31,539 --> 00:26:33,513
Vic, what have you got for us? 

450
00:26:34,619 --> 00:26:41,448
Er, this is, erm, a deVice for sucking those special gasses out of a U-bend. 

451
00:26:41,905 --> 00:26:46,505
And it looks like the actual pan is filled with some sort of worms,

452
00:26:46,604 --> 00:26:51,023
which probably create the gas in the U-bend. 

453
00:26:51,315 --> 00:26:55,777
Well, you're more or less right. It is a deVice for allowing you to breathe in the event of a fire in a hotel room.

454
00:26:56,066 --> 00:27:00,857
You pop . . . It's called the toilet snorkel, erm . . .  

455
00:27:02,532 --> 00:27:09,776
So your last moments before the fire burns your backside off are spent sucking in lavatory air.

456
00:27:12,372 --> 00:27:14,949
"Darling, I can smell fire. Where's the toilet snorkel?" 

457
00:27:18,195 --> 00:27:23,314
And on that marvellous note, ladies and gentlemen, I think it's time to have a look at the points. 

458
00:27:23,315 --> 00:27:27,015
And they are more than a little interesting, because in first place,

459
00:27:27,116 --> 00:27:32,016
a newcomer to the game, and my God did he play a blinder, Mr Vic Reeves! 

460
00:27:36,578 --> 00:27:39,032
Sixteen crisp young points he earned.

461
00:27:39,133 --> 00:27:41,933
But look at this. I cannot believe it, ladies and gentlemen:

462
00:27:42,034 --> 00:27:46,134
in second place with zero, it's Alan Davies.

463
00:27:46,210 --> 00:27:49,525
Oh, how you've climbed the giddy heights to zero.

464
00:27:49,526 --> 00:27:53,026
You've dreamt of scoring zero, haven't you? You've dreamt of it. 

465
00:27:52,413 --> 00:27:55,216
I come in with zero; if only I could leave with it. 

466
00:27:56,115 --> 00:27:58,341
In third place with minus seven, Clive Anderson. 

467
00:27:58,586 --> 00:28:00,894
Minus seven! Where did those seven points go?

468
00:28:02,628 --> 00:28:07,585
But I'm afraid the one who fell most into our heffalump traps was Arthur Smith, on minus twenty-three. 

469
00:28:15,633 --> 00:28:19,625
Oh. From Clive, Vic, Arthur, Alan, and me, that's all from QI this week.

470
00:28:19,732 --> 00:28:24,225
One last word on discoveries from the plenipotentiary of gobbledegook himself, Ken Dodd.

471
00:28:24,787 --> 00:28:30,107
"The man who invented cat's eyes got the idea when he saw a cat facing him in the road.

472
00:28:30,562 --> 00:28:35,861
 If the cat had been facing the other way, he'd have invented the pencil sharpener." Good night.

9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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