1 00:00:31,180 --> 00:00:35,319 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 2 00:00:35,350 --> 00:00:39,289 and welcome to the provisional wing of Children In Need. 3 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:41,869 Er, we hope to raise lots of extra money tonight 4 00:00:41,900 --> 00:00:43,189 for disadvantaged children. 5 00:00:43,220 --> 00:00:47,499 And we have four enormously overgrown examples here tonight. 6 00:00:47,530 --> 00:00:51,189 The irascible young Rich Hall , 7 00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:57,239 that cheeky chappy, Phill Jupitus, 8 00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:04,999 naughty scamp Jonathan Ross 9 00:01:08,030 --> 00:01:13,959 and everybody's favourite fluffy stud-muffin, Pudsey! 10 00:01:19,990 --> 00:01:22,829 Now, settle down, class. Er, you know the rules. 11 00:01:22,860 --> 00:01:25,319 Phill goes: 12 00:01:28,350 --> 00:01:31,249 - And Jonathan: - Thank you. 13 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:35,839 Stop it. And Jonathan goes: 14 00:01:36,870 --> 00:01:39,704 And Rich goes: 15 00:01:40,735 --> 00:01:43,869 And Pudsey goes: 16 00:01:46,900 --> 00:01:52,559 - Hey! Hang on! - Thank you, Pudsey. Oh, hello. 17 00:01:52,590 --> 00:01:56,879 Hello? Hey, what are you doing? 18 00:01:56,910 --> 00:02:00,419 Oh, don't give it all that, you're not even a bear! 19 00:02:00,450 --> 00:02:03,479 Come on. We don't want any trouble. 20 00:02:03,510 --> 00:02:06,839 He gave me a look, then, with the good eye! 21 00:02:06,870 --> 00:02:09,429 Yeah. How's your distance vision? 22 00:02:12,460 --> 00:02:17,569 Someone has been sitting in my seat! 23 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:20,549 Tonight's programme is all about descendants. 24 00:02:20,580 --> 00:02:24,679 In other words, offspring, progeny... children. 25 00:02:24,710 --> 00:02:27,259 Let's begin at the very beginning. What do babies have 26 00:02:27,290 --> 00:02:30,029 that adults do not? 27 00:02:30,060 --> 00:02:32,000 Horns. 28 00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:34,539 - Horns? - Horns. 29 00:02:34,570 --> 00:02:37,649 - Oddly, you're almost close. - They have a cranial cap. 30 00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:41,289 They have a divot there that you can store things in. 31 00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:43,729 I thought that was there so that if you have sex during the final trimester 32 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:46,539 it doesn't hurt the baby, it kind of gives. 33 00:02:46,570 --> 00:02:48,569 - Oh, no, Jonathan! - Nature provides! 34 00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:51,309 But the bones in the head haven't fused together yet, have they? 35 00:02:51,340 --> 00:02:54,319 They haven't. Not only in the head, that's the point. 36 00:02:54,350 --> 00:02:57,300 They're completely spongy, babies; you can bend them pretty... like plasticine; 37 00:02:57,330 --> 00:03:00,839 you can just like make... If it's an ugly baby, 38 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:05,129 you can just make it slightly better looking, you know. Just... Give it horns if you want. 39 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:08,119 What's the protocol for when you see a really ugly baby? Do you know... ? 40 00:03:08,150 --> 00:03:10,679 I'll tell you, people show you their babies on the phone now, 41 00:03:10,710 --> 00:03:13,839 and it's like a cashew with some hair coming out of it. 42 00:03:13,870 --> 00:03:17,629 The thing to say is, "Nice phone." 43 00:03:23,660 --> 00:03:27,879 Because that's what I think: I think babies have the ability to know that they are ugly, 44 00:03:27,910 --> 00:03:30,569 which their parents don't. 45 00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:32,669 That's why they cry all the time. 46 00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:36,399 They hold the little mirror up to them on the mobile, "Ahhh, look at me. 47 00:03:36,430 --> 00:03:39,539 I look like Churchill having a shit, it's like..." 48 00:03:39,570 --> 00:03:41,649 They don't have kneecaps, do they? That's... 49 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:44,019 Aren't you mixing them up with merbabies? 50 00:03:44,050 --> 00:03:47,149 No, their kneecaps are not made of bone while they're babies, 51 00:03:47,180 --> 00:03:50,999 - and there are all kinds of parts of them... - What are they made of? - that are not made of bone, but are made of cartilage, and 52 00:03:51,030 --> 00:03:55,609 - Or Play-Doh. - and they have ninety-four more bones than adults. 53 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:59,599 - No, they don't. - Yeah, they do. - You're making this up. 54 00:03:59,630 --> 00:04:05,029 No, I'm not. A baby's body has about 300 what are called "soft bones", 55 00:04:05,060 --> 00:04:09,899 that haven't actually formed bone material. They are actually cartilage, a sort of soft, gooey thing. 56 00:04:09,930 --> 00:04:14,339 And they eventually fuse to form the 206 bones of the average human body. 57 00:04:14,370 --> 00:04:17,589 Where are a quarter of those bones housed in the body? 58 00:04:17,620 --> 00:04:19,169 - Oh, yeah? - In the body. 59 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:22,449 Yeah. Where, I should have said, abouts in the body? 60 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:23,509 - In the... - Foot. 61 00:04:23,540 --> 00:04:26,139 - Feet. "The feet" is the right answer, yeah. - Feet! 62 00:04:26,170 --> 00:04:30,799 - A quarter of your bones, fifty-two. - Yes! 63 00:04:30,830 --> 00:04:32,959 Very good. Yeah! Very good. 64 00:04:32,990 --> 00:04:37,389 How long do you have to wait for your baby to harden? 65 00:04:37,420 --> 00:04:39,049 It's... In the natural course of things 66 00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:43,749 Do you put it somewhere... Like, with Airfix kits, I used to put them in the airing cupboard. I mean... 67 00:04:43,780 --> 00:04:45,969 - In a kiln. - A kiln. - Yeah. 68 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:49,100 - Bake it. - You fire the baby! 69 00:04:49,230 --> 00:04:52,259 So, talking of Churchill, in a sort of way, who was very fond of pigs, 70 00:04:52,290 --> 00:04:55,689 because he said, "Dogs look up at you, cats look down on you, 71 00:04:55,720 --> 00:05:00,000 but a pig looks you in the eye and treats you as an equal." 72 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:06,359 Anyway, who grunts like a pig and has children three times their own size? 73 00:05:06,390 --> 00:05:08,639 And then it... What, do they shrink down? 74 00:05:08,670 --> 00:05:11,809 The offspring start off three times bigger and then, obviously, become the size of the parent, 75 00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:13,739 so the... the offspring do shrink, eventually. 76 00:05:13,770 --> 00:05:18,969 Presumably, though, they must be... they must be, erm... they must grow to full term outside of the body of the parent 77 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:20,369 - They do. - or else the parent could not carry such a vast... 78 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:22,129 You're right, so they're not mammals. 79 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:24,669 - They're fish? - Not fish, neither. 80 00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:27,000 - Frogs? - Yes! 81 00:05:31,830 --> 00:05:35,719 It's a breed of frog called the "paradoxical frog", for that very reason. 82 00:05:35,750 --> 00:05:39,259 It is the only species on earth, and that literally is to scale. 83 00:05:39,290 --> 00:05:43,329 That's the parent, that's a pen-to give us an idea of scale, 84 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:45,339 and that is the offspring. 85 00:05:45,370 --> 00:05:47,499 So they squirt 'em out, and then they grow big in the pond? 86 00:05:47,530 --> 00:05:50,300 Yeah. They come from South America and Trinidad as well, you'll find them. 87 00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:52,800 What purpose does that serve in nature, that animal would, er, 88 00:05:52,801 --> 00:05:55,369 create an offspring that is so much larger than itself 89 00:05:55,370 --> 00:05:56,929 initially, and then shrink? 90 00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:58,729 We just don't know. 91 00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:03,619 What is it in Spanish? "Paradoxical fr-og!" 92 00:06:04,650 --> 00:06:10,129 Now, what I want you to do is stop me when you know about whom I am talking. 93 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:12,649 Had she been eligible, 94 00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:15,869 she might have been elected U.S. President. 95 00:06:15,900 --> 00:06:18,079 She's a trained scientist. 96 00:06:18,110 --> 00:06:22,000 She has larger breasts than you might imagine. 97 00:06:22,020 --> 00:06:26,099 Jonathan's alert. Er... Maiden name: 98 00:06:26,130 --> 00:06:29,189 - Roberts. - Thatcher. 99 00:06:29,220 --> 00:06:32,489 Oh, dear. 100 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:35,039 Margaret Thatcher's maiden name was Roberts, 101 00:06:35,070 --> 00:06:39,649 but this particular "nee Roberts" has over a billion pairs of shoes, 102 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:43,129 and yet stands only 11 inches tall. 103 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:45,399 Thumbelina. 104 00:06:45,430 --> 00:06:48,219 Not Thumbelina. This one exists. 105 00:06:48,250 --> 00:06:49,389 - 11 inches tall? - Yeah. 106 00:06:49,420 --> 00:06:52,420 - Barbie. - "Barbie" is the right answer. 107 00:06:57,230 --> 00:07:00,159 She was named after one Barbara Millicent Roberts, 108 00:07:00,190 --> 00:07:01,699 from Willows, Wisconsin. 109 00:07:01,730 --> 00:07:04,829 If Barbie was a real person, she wouldn't be able to stand. 110 00:07:04,860 --> 00:07:06,769 - Yes. - Anatomically. - Yeah, exactly. 111 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:09,899 - Her feet are too small and her... - If you sort of blew her up to five foot six, 112 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:13,929 her feet would be size three and her breasts would be 39 inches, and she would just go... 113 00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:16,689 But you wouldn't let her stand up anyway would you? You'd... 114 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:20,019 You'd only want her supine, anyway, wouldn't you, if she does have...? 115 00:07:20,050 --> 00:07:23,579 I-i-is that right. Erm. It's also... 116 00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:29,249 It's also apparently true, according to, er, researchers at University Central Hospital in Helsinki, Finland, 117 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:35,019 that her body shape lacks the 17- to 22-percent body fat 118 00:07:35,050 --> 00:07:37,389 which would enable her to menstruate. 119 00:07:37,420 --> 00:07:41,339 But what was it she managed finally to get in the year 2000? 120 00:07:41,370 --> 00:07:43,169 Pregnant. 121 00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:46,349 - It was a piece of something that... - A shroud of dreams. - A bra! 122 00:07:46,380 --> 00:07:48,689 Not a bra. Some part of her body. 123 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,019 - Nipples. - Not nipples, thank you. 124 00:07:51,050 --> 00:07:53,399 - A naval! - "A naval" is the right answer! 125 00:07:53,430 --> 00:07:55,529 She finally got a tummy button. 126 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:59,359 Very good. Absolutely right. 127 00:07:59,390 --> 00:08:03,339 Barbie philosophy... Barbie spoke in 1992 for the first time. 128 00:08:03,370 --> 00:08:07,029 - Do you know the kind of thing she said? - "Where's my naval?" 129 00:08:07,060 --> 00:08:11,769 - She could have said that. "Will we..." - "'No' means 'no'!" 130 00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:15,929 "Stop looking down there; I don't have bits!" 131 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:19,099 "Will we ever have enough clothes?" was one of the first she... 132 00:08:19,130 --> 00:08:22,269 "It's a paradoxical frog, Ken." 133 00:08:22,300 --> 00:08:26,569 - Yeah! "I love shopping." - Do you? But what did Barbie say, Stephen? 134 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:28,600 "Math is tough." 135 00:08:31,260 --> 00:08:34,169 As we know, Barbie, whose full name was Barbara Millicent Roberts, 136 00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:36,689 was born in 1959, and she's done everything, including 137 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:39,329 running for president three times. 138 00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:42,449 But how have Superman, Spiderman 139 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:46,569 and Wonder Woman helped the fight against crime? 140 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:53,709 Each one of them has an intimate connection with a genuinely groundbreaking, crime-solving, or crime... 141 00:08:53,740 --> 00:08:56,089 X-ray vision. 142 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:58,269 - Mm. I... When I say genuine, obviously... - Invisible planes! 143 00:08:58,300 --> 00:09:00,349 Yeah, something that exists. 144 00:09:00,380 --> 00:09:04,569 Superman led the police to develop bulletproof vests. 145 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:07,029 It isn't that, but you're on exactly the right lines. 146 00:09:07,060 --> 00:09:10,039 I know, because I know coppers have got, like, a net they shoot at you, like Spiderman. 147 00:09:10,070 --> 00:09:14,029 - That would be Spiderman's thing, wouldn't it? Yeah. - Yes, but that's an old Roman Retiarius trick. 148 00:09:14,060 --> 00:09:16,199 Erm, who was... Who was Spiderman's arch-enemy, mostly? 149 00:09:16,230 --> 00:09:17,949 Mostly it was the Green Goblin. 150 00:09:17,980 --> 00:09:19,869 There was another one called King Pin? 151 00:09:19,900 --> 00:09:21,569 King Pin... Well he's not... Well, he was Spidey's, 152 00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,609 but recently he's become Daredevil's main foe. 153 00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:24,569 - Has he? - He lives in Hell's Kitchen, 154 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:27,549 and it's over more like 49th Street; Daredevil fights him a lot more. 155 00:09:27,580 --> 00:09:30,439 - But recently... - And what did he do in 1979, 156 00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:32,729 in order to keep tabs on Spiderman? 157 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:34,370 So that he always knew where Spidey was. 158 00:09:34,401 --> 00:09:41,639 - ASBO. (antisocial behaviour order) - Not an ASBO! But you're exactly... 159 00:09:41,670 --> 00:09:45,119 You're exactly on the right lines. It's more technical. 160 00:09:45,150 --> 00:09:47,250 - What, he put something on him that you can trace? - Yes. - Some sort of... 161 00:09:47,251 --> 00:09:49,539 - An electronic tagging bracelet. - An electronic tagging device. 162 00:09:49,540 --> 00:09:51,219 - I didn't realise that came from there. - In 1979. 163 00:09:51,250 --> 00:09:56,849 And a judge, rather splendidly named Judge Jack Love of Albuquerque, New Mexico, 164 00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:59,839 - "Judge Love." - "Judge Love," exactly. 165 00:09:59,870 --> 00:10:04,430 - "I stand before you, Judge Love." - "You are in the court of Love!" 166 00:10:04,460 --> 00:10:06,469 Yeah, anyway, 167 00:10:06,500 --> 00:10:09,919 - he did exist. - "Thanks Judge Love. 168 00:10:09,950 --> 00:10:12,969 I've got a present for you, Judge Love." 169 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:17,869 And Judge Love had, like many a judge... had an incredibly full series of cells. 170 00:10:17,900 --> 00:10:20,929 And he reasoned, having seen this cartoon, 171 00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:23,539 why not develop a real thing like this? 172 00:10:23,570 --> 00:10:26,719 So instead of prisoners going into prison, they can be electronically tagged. 173 00:10:26,750 --> 00:10:29,399 And he was the inventor of the electronic tag. 174 00:10:29,430 --> 00:10:31,499 But it was directly from a Spiderman comic. 175 00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:34,989 You can say, "I'm really cool," as I believe young people say, 176 00:10:35,020 --> 00:10:36,869 "because, erm ... 177 00:10:36,900 --> 00:10:40,469 because I have a really 'wicked', erm..." 178 00:10:40,500 --> 00:10:44,959 - He's so good. - "bracelet, innit, guy." So, there you are. 179 00:10:44,990 --> 00:10:48,559 The Stealth Bomber, the invisible plane. Wonder Woman had an invisible plane. 180 00:10:48,590 --> 00:10:52,379 Can I tell you about Wonder Woman? Wonder Woman's creator was William Moulton Marston... 181 00:10:52,410 --> 00:10:55,179 - Absolutely. - who wrote... who wrote under the pen name of Charles Moulton, 182 00:10:55,210 --> 00:10:59,099 who was in a polygamous and indeed polyamous relationship, with a woman who co-created Wonder Woman, 183 00:10:59,130 --> 00:11:01,500 and another lezzer on the side. 184 00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:05,119 Absolutely right! Yep. 185 00:11:09,150 --> 00:11:11,859 No, you're right, he married his wife Elizabeth at twenty-two years of age, 186 00:11:11,890 --> 00:11:13,909 and then carried on this affair with Olive. 187 00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:16,159 - And I think they moved in together, didn't they? - They all moved in together; 188 00:11:16,190 --> 00:11:17,859 he had two children by each, 189 00:11:17,890 --> 00:11:21,769 and then when he died, Olive and Elizabeth stayed together right up until the death of Olive in the '80s. 190 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:23,739 - I think that's a rather beautiful story. - It is a lovely story. 191 00:11:23,770 --> 00:11:26,089 I'll tell you something interesting about Spiderman. 192 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:30,109 Originally, he was called "Spidermann" 193 00:11:30,140 --> 00:11:34,129 and, er, and he was Jewish. 194 00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:38,209 He couldn't fight crime on the Sabbath. 195 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:41,869 Look, I'm so impressed with Jonathan knowing the full name of William Moulton Marston, 196 00:11:41,900 --> 00:11:46,579 but he came to the attention of DC Comics, to the great Max Gains, 197 00:11:46,610 --> 00:11:47,819 whom you will know of, 198 00:11:47,850 --> 00:11:52,339 - the publisher of DC Comics. - Actually, Max Gains, I believe, published EC Comics, didn't he? 199 00:11:52,370 --> 00:11:56,769 And then when he died in a boating accident, his son William C Gains took over, 200 00:11:56,800 --> 00:12:00,309 moving from "True Tales from the Bible and Stories to Amuse Children" 201 00:12:00,340 --> 00:12:02,259 into the EC line of horror comics 202 00:12:02,290 --> 00:12:04,549 that then came to the attention of the U.S. Senate 203 00:12:04,580 --> 00:12:07,279 when comics were investigated, after a certain Dr Frederick Wertham 204 00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:09,899 Wertham brought out a book called Seduction of the Innocent in 1954, 205 00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:14,259 calling for the introduction of a self-regulating body known as the Comic Code Authority 206 00:12:14,290 --> 00:12:17,039 that had such ridiculous rules as you could not use the word "FLICK" in a comic 207 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,689 for fear that the "L" and the "I" would run together 208 00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:23,019 and Spiderman was saying, "LOOK, HE'S GOT A FUCK KNIFE!" (flick knife) 209 00:12:26,050 --> 00:12:28,000 - This is all true. - Fabulous. 210 00:12:28,001 --> 00:12:30,939 - This is true. - I love that. That is brilliant. 211 00:12:30,970 --> 00:12:32,640 And to think that almost everyone I know thinks 212 00:12:32,671 --> 00:12:36,869 you're a course, vain, loud-mouthed... 213 00:12:36,900 --> 00:12:40,169 - But we still haven't come to the root of... of... - Bulletproof wristbands she had. 214 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:42,739 Marston... No, he invented something else. A psychology professor. 215 00:12:42,770 --> 00:12:45,169 He was very interested in people's response under stress. 216 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:48,509 - Under stress? - And he discovered that blood pressure increased when people were under pressure. 217 00:12:48,540 --> 00:12:53,529 - The lie detector. - Was it the lie detector? - The lie detector! 218 00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:59,779 So, there you are. We have the lie detector and we have the electronic tagging system, 219 00:12:59,810 --> 00:13:02,409 so that only leaves us with Superman himself. 220 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:06,469 What was the most popular effusion of Superman, if you like, in the 40s? 221 00:13:06,500 --> 00:13:08,460 - It wasn't the comic book; it was...? - It was the... the Su... - The radio? 222 00:13:08,461 --> 00:13:10,859 - The radio. Absolutely. - "Up up and away." 223 00:13:10,890 --> 00:13:14,019 And there was a man called Stetson Kennedy, who in the 1940s, 224 00:13:14,050 --> 00:13:20,339 decided that the most loathsome organisation in the United States of America was the Ku Klux Klan. 225 00:13:20,370 --> 00:13:24,009 And he infiltrated the Ku Klux Klan and he learned their secret language, 226 00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:28,079 their hierarchies, their codes and their gossip, in his particular part of the world. 227 00:13:28,110 --> 00:13:30,659 - Oh, man, of all the pictures you would have to show! - I know. It's not good. 228 00:13:30,690 --> 00:13:32,889 That's my uncle in there. 229 00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:42,739 Anyway, he decided that the most popular thing around was Superman on the radio, 230 00:13:42,770 --> 00:13:45,509 so he wrote to the producers and said, "Here's a plot line for you. 231 00:13:45,540 --> 00:13:48,289 Why don't you have Superman fight the Ku Klux Klan?" 232 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:49,759 Because he fought Mussolini; he's fought Hitler. 233 00:13:49,790 --> 00:13:54,449 And within two weeks of the four week episode in which Superman fights the Ku Klux Klan, 234 00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:57,909 the recruitment went to zero. So he was a crime fighter, Superman. 235 00:13:57,940 --> 00:13:59,769 - In real life as well as in fiction. - In real life. Yeah. 236 00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:01,439 How wonderful. I did not know any of that. 237 00:14:01,470 --> 00:14:04,279 I go home a better person. 238 00:14:04,310 --> 00:14:07,839 Now, children have invented some pretty useful stuff themselves. 239 00:14:07,870 --> 00:14:11,069 Earmuffs were invented by children. The calculator; the trampoline; 240 00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:13,719 the state flag of Alaska itself. 241 00:14:13,750 --> 00:14:19,929 The great child author, Roald Dahl: What was his greatest invention? 242 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:23,829 Yeah, go on. Oh, hello. 243 00:14:23,860 --> 00:14:25,669 Oh! Oh, my goodness! 244 00:14:25,700 --> 00:14:27,769 Fixed it! 245 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,469 - I do know this... - Yes, go on. Tell. 246 00:14:29,500 --> 00:14:32,419 because I've been many times to the Roald Dahl Museum on school trips. 247 00:14:32,450 --> 00:14:35,599 - In Great Missenden. - Yes, it's a beautiful place; it's a wonderful day out. 248 00:14:35,630 --> 00:14:37,009 Er, I've often thought though, for the bored father, 249 00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:39,869 maybe they could have a Roald Dahl- themed brothel next door, 250 00:14:39,900 --> 00:14:42,459 with a kind of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory theme; you know: 251 00:14:42,490 --> 00:14:45,099 Willy Wonka, bring your own. But... 252 00:14:45,130 --> 00:14:47,069 Or for the grown-ups, "chocolate and the Charlie factory", 253 00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:54,139 where they could have lots of free Charlies, erm... But, anyway... 254 00:14:54,170 --> 00:14:56,829 And you find out about Roald Dahl's life when you're there, and, er, he had... 255 00:14:56,860 --> 00:14:59,359 One of his children, I think it was his son, was very ill; 256 00:14:59,390 --> 00:15:02,689 - I think he caught an illness or he had an accident of some sort. - Well, actually, he had an accident in New York. 257 00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:04,839 - He was hit by a car. - And Roald Dahl was involved, I believe, 258 00:15:04,870 --> 00:15:09,000 not alone, but with other people, in inventing some kind of a valve or some sort of a device 259 00:15:09,001 --> 00:15:15,259 - that the injured person needed in his body. - I'm going to have to give the man lots and lots of points. 260 00:15:17,290 --> 00:15:21,109 Yep. It's called the Wade-Dahl-Till valve. 261 00:15:21,140 --> 00:15:24,069 His son Theo was in a car accident in New York, 262 00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:27,619 and he hurt his head to the extent that he got hydrocephalus. 263 00:15:27,650 --> 00:15:30,049 - That's water on the brain, isn't it? - Water on the brain, exactly. 264 00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:33,989 And the cure was to put a valve in, but it was a very clunkily-designed valve, 265 00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:37,959 that often got jammed and stuck, which meant big surgical intervention. 266 00:15:37,990 --> 00:15:40,469 And Dahl thought, "This isn't good enough," so he went to his friends, 267 00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:42,875 and they devised this, er, valve. 268 00:15:42,906 --> 00:15:45,569 3000 children at least have probably had their lives saved 269 00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:48,199 and certainly their outcomes massively improved. 270 00:15:48,230 --> 00:15:51,039 Well, I'll ask you another question. The Oompa Loompas: What colour are they? 271 00:15:51,070 --> 00:15:55,729 Their faces are orange; their hair is yellow; we don't know about their nether regions. 272 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:57,679 Did you say "orange"? 273 00:15:58,710 --> 00:16:02,049 No, I'm talking about the original Oompa Loompa's; the Oompa Loompa's of Roald Dahl's... 274 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:04,409 In the book itself? 275 00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:06,059 Aren't they from Africa? 276 00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:09,699 Yes, you see; you've reclaimed yourself. His publishers, Knopf, 277 00:16:09,730 --> 00:16:12,019 made them orange, because they felt black pygmies 278 00:16:12,050 --> 00:16:14,659 slaving away in a factory was a slightly kind of unfortunate... 279 00:16:14,690 --> 00:16:16,649 So now they're all orange like Girls Aloud. 280 00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:21,169 Now they're... Exactly, exactly. Green hair, orange, white eyebrows. 281 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,219 - I saw a Sherlock Holmes film once. - Yeah. 282 00:16:23,250 --> 00:16:30,699 and people kept getting murdered quite near a circus. 283 00:16:30,730 --> 00:16:32,289 - Seen any other films? - And people were getting murdered, 284 00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:36,489 and they'd be in a room, and there'd only be a tiny little window or something, 285 00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:38,759 and about an hour in, er, 286 00:16:38,790 --> 00:16:45,959 Holmes turns to Watson and says, "I've got one word to say to you Watson: pygmies." 287 00:16:45,990 --> 00:16:49,129 - That is deathless! - And there were some... there were some pygmies at the circus, 288 00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:52,569 and they were being sent out to do the bidding of an evil circus owner. 289 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:55,019 I love the idea that we can go back to a happier time, 290 00:16:55,050 --> 00:16:59,309 when pygmies are the prime suspect for most crimes. 291 00:16:59,340 --> 00:17:02,219 So much easier to pick out in an identity parade. That one. 292 00:17:02,250 --> 00:17:04,649 It's political correctness... 293 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:08,289 It's political correctness gone mad, isn't it. 294 00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:11,689 I once saw a very fine, er, Saturday night French television show, 295 00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:13,149 which didn't involve a midget as such, 296 00:17:13,150 --> 00:17:18,500 but it involved a small, tiny dwarf elephant that came out and danced and performed and capered around 297 00:17:18,501 --> 00:17:21,500 like nobody's business; you wouldn't believe it. And I was sitting watching this... 298 00:17:21,501 --> 00:17:23,749 I was in a hotel room and I was saying, "This is the best thing I've ever seen in my life." 299 00:17:23,750 --> 00:17:25,669 Where (A) Where did they find such a tiny elephant? 300 00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:28,619 (B) How do you teach a tiny elephant to perform like that, you know? 301 00:17:28,650 --> 00:17:34,469 Turned out at the end of the act... He unzipped it; there was a dog inside. 302 00:17:34,500 --> 00:17:37,769 One of... one of the best acts I've seen in my entire life. 303 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:42,309 And yet now, it's such an obvious idea. 304 00:17:42,340 --> 00:17:45,019 Yeah! Anyway, there we are. Now, from Oompa Loompa's, 305 00:17:45,050 --> 00:17:51,469 politically incorrect little people, to badly behaved little pink extraterrestials. 306 00:17:51,500 --> 00:17:57,099 Alan, could you press your buzzer and tell me what it's saying? 307 00:17:57,130 --> 00:17:59,489 It's a Clanger. Definitely a Clanger. 308 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:04,129 It is. It's a famous episode; it was in episode three of series one, which was called "Chicken". 309 00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:08,239 See if you can work out what is being said. Erm, we've got a little clip. 310 00:18:08,270 --> 00:18:10,329 They've got a little... 311 00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:17,019 Because the performers generally have words in their head. 312 00:18:17,050 --> 00:18:22,669 There it is. And what he's saying is, "Oh, sod it, the bloody thing's stuck again." 313 00:18:22,700 --> 00:18:28,969 And you can hear it again. Let's hear it again. 314 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:34,219 There it is. It is. Yeah. 315 00:18:34,250 --> 00:18:37,649 So, the creator of... Yeah? 316 00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:39,569 - Oliver Postgate. - The great... 317 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,049 - Oh, the great Oliver. - I think you cannot say Oliver Postgate without saying "the great". 318 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:45,269 - Noggin the Nog! - Noggin the Nog. Pogles Wood. - Did he do Bagpuss? 319 00:18:45,300 --> 00:18:47,569 And the greatest of the great, Bagpuss. 320 00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:51,469 But he and Peter Firmin, who was his partner, they used to produce these things in a barn 321 00:18:51,500 --> 00:18:53,629 and they'd take a month to do each episode 322 00:18:53,660 --> 00:18:55,649 - Oh, they're brilliant though, aren't they? - They are absolutely wondrous, aren't they? 323 00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:57,679 Well, here's an interesting bit of Clanger trivia for you. 324 00:18:57,710 --> 00:19:00,919 I think the Clangers appeared on an episode of Doctor Who. 325 00:19:00,950 --> 00:19:05,909 The man is right. The man is absolutely right. 326 00:19:05,940 --> 00:19:10,589 It was, in fact, their largest ever audience in 1972. 327 00:19:10,620 --> 00:19:14,969 They got ten million viewers by appearing in an episode called "The Sea Devils". 328 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:19,249 But anyway, there's only one language even more suggestive than the Clangers. 329 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:22,714 What language did Bill and Ben, the Flowerpot Men, speak? 330 00:19:22,745 --> 00:19:25,745 - "Flobbadob." - Flobbadob? No. 331 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,709 No. You see, the awful thing is, you probably thought it was Flobbadob, 332 00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:32,059 because that's what we said a couple of years ago. 333 00:19:32,090 --> 00:19:34,739 We've saluted one great genius for children's television, 334 00:19:34,770 --> 00:19:39,549 the great Oliver Postgate There is another, the great voice genius Peter Hawkins. 335 00:19:39,580 --> 00:19:42,529 We, unfortunately, said that the Flobbadob language was called "Flobbadob", 336 00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:46,869 and that it came from the sound of creator Hilda Brabban's younger brothers 337 00:19:46,900 --> 00:19:48,639 farting in the bath. 338 00:19:48,670 --> 00:19:51,559 And saying, "Oh, flobbadob," like that; it sounded like "flobbadob". 339 00:19:51,590 --> 00:19:57,469 And we got a very, if I may say so, terse, tart letter from Silas Hawkins, the son of Peter Hawkins, 340 00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:59,269 himself a voice actor. 341 00:19:59,300 --> 00:20:02,209 "The fart in the bath story was trotted out last year 342 00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:09,169 in an episode of Stephen Fry's otherwise admirable quiz show, QI. 343 00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:12,089 It (the story) first appeared some 20 years ago in a newspaper article, 344 00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:14,829 to which my father immediately wrote a rebuttal, 345 00:20:14,860 --> 00:20:18,949 and which was obviously ferreted out by some BBC researcher for QI. 346 00:20:18,980 --> 00:20:23,929 It may be 'Quite Interesting' but, in this case, it just isn't true." 347 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:27,769 So we apologise, Mr Silas Hawkins. Their language is called "Oddle Poddle". 348 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:32,409 "Flobadob" actually means "flowerpot" in Oddle Poddle. 349 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:36,379 I cannot believe I just said that! 350 00:20:36,410 --> 00:20:42,029 But with that descendent gibberish, I would like to take us now outside the headmaster's study, 351 00:20:42,060 --> 00:20:45,029 where we get a damn good weekly thrashing of General Ignorance. 352 00:20:45,060 --> 00:20:46,369 So, fingers on buzzers, please. 353 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:52,400 Who can hum the most listened- to tune in the world? 354 00:21:04,130 --> 00:21:09,619 - You've been doing so well. - The shame, the shame. 355 00:21:09,650 --> 00:21:12,959 is the right answer! 356 00:21:15,990 --> 00:21:17,469 Do you know who wrote it? 357 00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:20,659 - Someone in Finland. - No, it's Spanish; A Spanish composer, 358 00:21:20,690 --> 00:21:24,259 a genuine Spanish composer called... 359 00:21:27,290 --> 00:21:30,579 - It's Robbie Williams! - It is! It's Robbie Williams. 360 00:21:30,610 --> 00:21:34,349 It's Robbie Williams with one of those comedy glasses and beard things. 361 00:21:34,380 --> 00:21:37,889 - His name was Francisco Tarrega. - Tarrega. 362 00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:40,719 and it's his "Gran Vals". Would you like to hear it? 363 00:21:40,750 --> 00:21:45,709 - Yes. - Here it is, the original. 364 00:21:45,740 --> 00:21:48,939 It doesn't end with the final note. It just goes... 365 00:21:48,970 --> 00:21:54,339 - You see, they've hung up. - And does a bloke in Spanish shout,"HOLA!" 366 00:21:54,370 --> 00:21:59,000 - It is a... - "HOLA!" - "ESTOY EN TREN!" 367 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:02,219 Very good. Excellent. 368 00:22:02,250 --> 00:22:04,419 Well, that's... that is the man. 369 00:22:04,450 --> 00:22:08,939 He died in 1909, but the billionth phone was made not long ago. 370 00:22:08,970 --> 00:22:13,639 I think it's something like six-and-a-half phones a second are produced by the Nokia company. 371 00:22:13,670 --> 00:22:17,889 And a remarkable achievement, 'cause it isn't actually that annoying, even though you've heard it so many times. 372 00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:23,139 If we want to hear it on a phone it sounds like this: 373 00:22:23,170 --> 00:22:30,239 It's that "ee" on the end. And the original again, from Tarrega, which is like this: 374 00:22:30,270 --> 00:22:35,569 He probably thought, "If I put another note on there, they'll use this on a fucking phone." 375 00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:40,059 Anyway, Fern Cotton and Terry Wogan are, of course, 376 00:22:40,090 --> 00:22:43,809 the great heroes behind this evening of all evenings. 377 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:47,069 So, does anyone know anything interesting about ferns? 378 00:22:47,100 --> 00:22:49,100 Fern's what? 379 00:22:50,620 --> 00:22:53,929 If you know anything interesting about Fern's anything, do tell me. 380 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:56,189 "They make a canny noise like." 381 00:22:56,220 --> 00:23:00,459 - I beg your pardon? - "Ferns make a canny noise!" 382 00:23:00,490 --> 00:23:06,099 "I'm speaking on the fern." 383 00:23:06,130 --> 00:23:12,299 Oh, I see! Sorry. But "cunny" means... means the female pudenda, it means the... 384 00:23:12,330 --> 00:23:14,180 - It does! - You know what? 385 00:23:14,211 --> 00:23:20,649 - They make a noise like a female pudenda! - Never, ever, ever go to Newcastle, you! 386 00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:25,509 - It's an English word! Meaning... - You'll go up there and they'll be, "Whoaa!!" 387 00:23:25,540 --> 00:23:29,699 There's that great joke about the little soldier who's with General Custer 388 00:23:29,730 --> 00:23:32,699 and they can hear the... 389 00:23:32,730 --> 00:23:37,069 And... and he says to the little Geordie soldier, "Listen, they've got war drums." 390 00:23:37,100 --> 00:23:42,000 And the Geordie soldier goes, "The thieving bastards?" 391 00:23:46,850 --> 00:23:48,999 No, I do confess myself defeated there. 392 00:23:49,030 --> 00:23:53,909 Is it like a naval wardroom? Is that what they're saying? "Wardrooms"? 393 00:23:53,940 --> 00:23:57,329 Well, it's where the naval officers gather for their pink gins; it's called the "wardroom". 394 00:23:57,360 --> 00:24:00,299 Oh, Pudsey, make him stop. 395 00:24:00,330 --> 00:24:05,169 "They've got wardrooms, the thieving bastards." What..."They've got"? 396 00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:09,049 - In Newcastle they say... they say... - Instead of saying "our", they say "war". 397 00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:13,919 Well, they must go to school; it's just ridiculous. 398 00:24:15,950 --> 00:24:19,279 I'm sorry. Not good enough. Anyway. 399 00:24:19,310 --> 00:24:21,269 Ferns! Tell me about ferns. 400 00:24:21,300 --> 00:24:23,359 Fern's what? 401 00:24:23,390 --> 00:24:24,699 Tell me about "fern". 402 00:24:24,730 --> 00:24:26,709 - They're poisonous. - You're absolutely right. They are. 403 00:24:26,740 --> 00:24:30,139 - Some ferns are carcinogenic. - You're absolutely right again. 404 00:24:30,170 --> 00:24:33,719 Aren't ferns also, apart from moss, I believe, the oldest plant on the planet? 405 00:24:33,750 --> 00:24:36,529 Yeah, you're right. They're three times older than dinosaurs. 406 00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:38,039 Older than any land animal. 407 00:24:38,070 --> 00:24:41,699 - And they seed by... - That's right, they cast out. - They go "boom!", like that. 408 00:24:41,730 --> 00:24:44,870 - Boom-shaka-boom, shake the room! - No, they: "Wah! Wah!" 409 00:24:44,900 --> 00:24:46,639 They fling their seed across the room. 410 00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:51,129 You know what, I was doing that when I was about fourteen, and... 411 00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:53,909 And so to the other hero of the evening, of course, I'd like to know: 412 00:24:53,910 --> 00:24:56,679 Where does Terry Wogan come from? 413 00:24:56,710 --> 00:24:59,839 They're pygmies aren't they, the Wogan family? 414 00:24:59,870 --> 00:25:01,119 - Isn't there a... Is there not a link? - Which country? 415 00:25:01,150 --> 00:25:04,639 - Ireland. - Oh, thank you for saying that. 416 00:25:05,670 --> 00:25:08,719 No, they're the Welsh. They're the Gwgan's originally. 417 00:25:08,750 --> 00:25:10,429 - The land of my fathers? - That's right, 418 00:25:10,460 --> 00:25:13,509 he comes from the land of the valleys, where the Davies's come from, yes. Yes. Oh, yes. 419 00:25:13,540 --> 00:25:15,169 Oh, I see. He doesn't sound like it. 420 00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:17,959 No, he doesn't, because he himself grew up in Ireland, 421 00:25:17,990 --> 00:25:20,939 and his family came from Wales originally, and there was a Sir John Wogan, 422 00:25:20,970 --> 00:25:26,199 who left in 1295 for Ireland, and all Wogans in Ireland are said to descend from this Welsh Ireland. 423 00:25:26,230 --> 00:25:29,569 But there's one thing he's done, this... this Wogan, 424 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:32,969 - which is a unique sporting achievement. - What, our Wogan? Oh, I know what this is. 425 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:35,739 - Yeah, go on. - Er, he hit the longest recorded putt on television. 426 00:25:35,770 --> 00:25:38,289 Absolutely right, longer than any professional golfer. 427 00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:43,889 Thirty-three yard putt at Gleneagles. I've seen it. It's amazing. 428 00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:49,529 - Er, Rich? - Ever since the Clangers, I've been lost. - Oh! It's... I think... 429 00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:56,539 The last picture I recognised was the KKK, and that's pretty sad. 430 00:25:56,570 --> 00:25:59,019 Anyway, erm, finally, 431 00:25:59,050 --> 00:26:01,709 what percentage of money donated to Children In Need 432 00:26:01,740 --> 00:26:06,129 actually goes to cover administration costs? What percentage... 433 00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:09,199 - Yes? - Ninety percent. 434 00:26:09,230 --> 00:26:11,279 It would be disappointing if that were true. 435 00:26:11,310 --> 00:26:13,739 It is... I'm happy to say-less than that. 436 00:26:13,770 --> 00:26:18,179 - None! None at all! - You're right. Nada. Not one percent goes. 437 00:26:18,210 --> 00:26:23,759 There's no administration at all. It's a shamble! 438 00:26:24,790 --> 00:26:27,129 Oh, my goodness me! 439 00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:31,979 The first Children In Need telethon. What year would you guess it was? 440 00:26:32,010 --> 00:26:34,179 - 1979 ã.? - Oh, you're only one year out! 441 00:26:34,210 --> 00:26:37,000 - 1978 ã.? - Oh, wrong way! 442 00:26:37,990 --> 00:26:38,590 It's 1980. 443 00:26:38,620 --> 00:26:42,449 - And how much did it raise? - Twenty pounds. 444 00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:44,149 It was about one million. 445 00:26:44,180 --> 00:26:52,719 - Last year's appeal: 17,235,256 pounds. - Well that's not very good in terms of the rate of inflation, is it? 446 00:26:52,750 --> 00:26:54,969 Are you urging the public to do better? 447 00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:57,899 They've probably got other things to spend their money on. 448 00:26:57,930 --> 00:27:01,000 That's not how it works! 449 00:27:05,390 --> 00:27:07,609 All cynicism aside, it is a splendid thing... 450 00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:10,969 that Children In Need exists and does so well and has made so much money, 451 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:13,469 and it's all thanks to people like you. 452 00:27:13,500 --> 00:27:18,059 Thank them all very much. Speaking of which, I have some marking to do, and my goodness me. 453 00:27:18,090 --> 00:27:21,619 As I'm in a charitable mood, I shall give the scores in millions. 454 00:27:21,650 --> 00:27:25,089 And we have a clear winner: 455 00:27:25,120 --> 00:27:29,309 with three million points, 456 00:27:29,340 --> 00:27:32,369 our first-timer Jonathan Ross, ladies and gentlemen. 457 00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:36,449 Thank you. I feel it was a team effort. 458 00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:43,000 Because in second place, ladies and gentlemen, with two million points, Rich Hall. 459 00:27:45,940 --> 00:27:57,409 - With one million points, in third place, Phill Jupitus. - Again? 460 00:27:57,440 --> 00:28:01,109 And I'm afraid in bottom place... 461 00:28:01,140 --> 00:28:02,889 "Bottom place." 462 00:28:02,920 --> 00:28:07,519 with an extraordinary minus twenty-nine million, 463 00:28:07,550 --> 00:28:11,000 - it's Alan Davies. - Thank you very much. 464 00:28:17,630 --> 00:28:22,729 My thanks, of course, to Rich, Jonathan, Phill, and Alan. And I leave you with the wise advice about your little ones, 465 00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:26,729 and it comes from Robert Orben. "Never raise your hand to your children. 466 00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:31,209 It leaves your mid section unprotected." Good night. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net