1 00:00:33,050 --> 00:00:35,395 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 2 00:00:36,530 --> 00:00:41,110 and welcome to QI. Tonight's show is all about "divination", 3 00:00:41,390 --> 00:00:43,445 the ancient art of seeing into the future. 4 00:00:44,140 --> 00:00:48,320 Well, as you already know, therefore, I am joined tonight by four people 5 00:00:48,630 --> 00:00:50,890 I have a strange feeling that I've met before: 6 00:00:51,100 --> 00:00:52,990 Phill Jupitus... 7 00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:57,215 Graeme Garden... 8 00:00:58,340 --> 00:00:59,920 Johnny Vaughan... 9 00:01:00,910 --> 00:01:03,530 and Alan Davies. 10 00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:13,520 Well, tonight, each of you is equipped with a device to help you see into the future 11 00:01:13,820 --> 00:01:16,025 and predict your own score. 12 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:18,485 The closest match to your own score, and I'll be asking you at the end 13 00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:20,020 if you can predict your own score, er, 14 00:01:20,460 --> 00:01:24,755 will win 666 bonus points. 15 00:01:25,410 --> 00:01:27,390 So, Johnny, you are ... 16 00:01:27,790 --> 00:01:30,340 - a koskinomancer. - That's exactly what I am. 17 00:01:31,100 --> 00:01:34,100 - And koskinomancers . . . - We sieve through things and whatever is, 18 00:01:34,410 --> 00:01:38,350 --like soil--and whatever's left in the sieve is the future. 19 00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:40,660 Anyway, tonight I'm going to use it to divine my score. 20 00:01:40,910 --> 00:01:43,720 Fantastic. Very good. And Graeme, what do you have 21 00:01:43,860 --> 00:01:46,600 with which to divine the future? You are, I believe, a tyromant. 22 00:01:46,780 --> 00:01:49,150 I have . . . Yeah, a tyromant. I've got the baby cheeses. 23 00:01:50,620 --> 00:01:54,350 Oh! A tyromant can tell the future by examining cheese. 24 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:57,370 So, Jupitus, erm, a tasseomancy. 25 00:01:57,800 --> 00:01:59,880 - I believe, yes, erm . . . - Tea. 26 00:01:59,881 --> 00:02:03,085 Yeah, yeah. What you don't know, you can tell the future through tea bags. 27 00:02:03,550 --> 00:02:06,520 I think these are a proprietary brand of . . . I don't know if you can see that there. 28 00:02:11,700 --> 00:02:14,700 While Alan has the gift of pygomancy, 29 00:02:14,900 --> 00:02:18,425 which I believe is the gift of divination by arses. 30 00:02:19,230 --> 00:02:22,160 - Do you have an arse with you tonight? - I do, but I am using it. 31 00:02:23,290 --> 00:02:25,050 Have you got a spare arse, by any chance, then? 32 00:02:25,540 --> 00:02:27,400 I have been provided 33 00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:32,070 with an arse for divination purposes although I thought it was bosoms. 34 00:02:32,290 --> 00:02:34,970 I thought it was the Charlton Brothers. 35 00:02:39,170 --> 00:02:42,400 Don't. It's like catnip to his kind. 36 00:02:45,190 --> 00:02:47,540 Yes, I can see into the future. Ooh! 37 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:53,930 Right, let's hear your bewitching noises. Johnny Vaughan will be going: 38 00:02:57,550 --> 00:03:02,000 Graeme Garden goes: ("Is there anybody there, dear?") 39 00:03:03,970 --> 00:03:05,575 Phill goes: 40 00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:09,580 Ah, right. I have to do it Tabitha style. 41 00:03:11,540 --> 00:03:14,355 Excellent. And Alan goes: 42 00:03:21,230 --> 00:03:23,940 Oh, very good. Very good! 43 00:03:33,930 --> 00:03:38,680 - Where have you gone, Alan? - Do not concern yourself. I have gone to another place. 44 00:03:39,570 --> 00:03:41,350 You've gone to the Elysian Fields, perhaps. 45 00:03:41,970 --> 00:03:44,720 Er, more Highbury Fields. 46 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:45,940 What? 47 00:03:45,941 --> 00:03:49,710 Well you did say divination by "Arse-nal"! 48 00:03:51,350 --> 00:03:52,960 Did anyone come here tonight mainly to see Alan? 49 00:03:52,961 --> 00:03:55,015 Oh, everybody. 50 00:03:55,290 --> 00:03:57,525 - Yes! - Oi! - Can I say: very unlucky. 51 00:03:58,330 --> 00:04:01,495 But you get us for the whole night! 52 00:04:01,500 --> 00:04:02,830 Thank you! 53 00:04:03,470 --> 00:04:04,970 That's more like it! 54 00:04:05,340 --> 00:04:07,980 - It doesn't matter! The show's gonna go on! - It will. Somehow. 55 00:04:08,402 --> 00:04:11,735 They only got me tonight so the whole thing weighs out the same! 56 00:04:13,260 --> 00:04:16,580 Right! Let's get on. One of the oldest "-mancies" of them all 57 00:04:16,581 --> 00:04:19,790 is oneiromancy, which is divination by dream. 58 00:04:20,110 --> 00:04:22,050 Graeme, have you had a recent dream? 59 00:04:22,220 --> 00:04:24,930 Er, yeah. I was making love to a beautiful woman. 60 00:04:26,030 --> 00:04:31,660 - Really? - Yes. - Well, I have here all these facts from dream interpreters, oneiromancers. 61 00:04:32,370 --> 00:04:34,530 It's either your inner self letting you know 62 00:04:34,750 --> 00:04:36,770 that you need to get in touch with your feminine side; 63 00:04:37,300 --> 00:04:39,720 the woman is actually you, in such dreams. You're actually ... 64 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:43,925 You're making love to yourself or that part of yourself, 65 00:04:44,250 --> 00:04:48,795 in your gruff male multi-tasking sort of way, er, have been ignoring. 66 00:04:49,490 --> 00:04:50,670 - All right? - I wish she'd said. 67 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:53,100 - Well, you must ... - Yeah. 68 00:04:53,870 --> 00:04:56,665 Or, the second interpretation is that you haven't been getting much lately 69 00:04:56,666 --> 00:04:59,065 and you desperately need a shag. 70 00:04:59,980 --> 00:05:01,230 - But there is a third one: - Oh, right. 71 00:05:01,510 --> 00:05:03,370 The woman is actually your mother ... 72 00:05:04,290 --> 00:05:07,060 No, you feel guilty, but frankly, it feels good as well, 73 00:05:07,250 --> 00:05:09,750 so face it, Graeme: You're gay. 74 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:15,100 Dreaming about making love to a woman is a sure sign of being gay. 75 00:05:15,340 --> 00:05:16,460 - Really? - Yeah. 76 00:05:16,710 --> 00:05:18,980 Well, I'm glad you've straightened that out. 77 00:05:19,740 --> 00:05:21,150 Johnny, what was your dream, please? 78 00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:23,420 In my dream, I was dreaming, 79 00:05:23,690 --> 00:05:26,180 and I was worried because I was unable to move in my dream, 80 00:05:26,590 --> 00:05:28,150 and I knew it was a dream inside the dream, 81 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:32,530 so in the dream they got someone to help me who would give me advice on how to run better 82 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:35,500 in my dreams, within the dream! 83 00:05:35,550 --> 00:05:37,000 Oh, wow! Wow. 84 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:40,830 - But this is . . . not . . . not . . . - You had a dream coach within your own dream? 85 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,530 - Within my own dream! - This is surprisingly common. 86 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:46,100 - Is it? - Yes. It's anxiety over the state of your life. 87 00:05:46,590 --> 00:05:49,075 Your subconscious is telling you that you need to address your fear; 88 00:05:49,580 --> 00:05:51,080 you can't move 'cause you're blocked, trapped, oppressed, 89 00:05:51,081 --> 00:05:53,640 unable to fulfill your deepest dreams. 90 00:05:53,990 --> 00:05:56,115 You're dreaming about yourself, as a comedian and entertainer. 91 00:05:56,380 --> 00:05:59,070 Your dream is saying, "Johnny, don't take yourself so seriously." 92 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:03,000 - Oh, I wish it did. - Er, you're also consulting an authority figure in the dream: 93 00:06:03,100 --> 00:06:05,400 an expert, a priest, an oneiromancer. 94 00:06:05,620 --> 00:06:08,325 In effect, you're asking your lost father for help. 95 00:06:08,870 --> 00:06:10,720 You're gay! 96 00:06:12,450 --> 00:06:14,414 Wait 'til I tell my dad tonight. 97 00:06:14,415 --> 00:06:16,980 Yeah! In bed. So there you are! 98 00:06:18,230 --> 00:06:22,220 - Phill, please, can we have a cleansing sorbet? - I can never remember the damn things, 99 00:06:22,430 --> 00:06:25,190 but up until, sort of, my teen years, 100 00:06:25,290 --> 00:06:30,750 I used to dream I was being chased around an empty football stadium by a giant monkey. 101 00:06:32,180 --> 00:06:36,300 And then he'd stop chasing me and we'd sit down, and we'd just sit down and watch the game. 102 00:06:36,390 --> 00:06:38,510 In an empty stadium. 103 00:06:38,670 --> 00:06:42,170 I've got a thing about football: It represents your goals, fairly obviously I suppose, your aspirations. 104 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:45,890 But before the game can begin, before you can start to fulfill your dreams, 105 00:06:46,190 --> 00:06:47,970 - Phill, if I can call you Phill ... - I must quieten the inner monkey? 106 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:50,800 No, you alone, because the stadium is empty, 107 00:06:51,030 --> 00:06:53,800 that's the point-you alone have to confront the thing you fear most, 108 00:06:54,030 --> 00:06:56,080 which is the big monkey. And what is the big monkey? 109 00:06:56,430 --> 00:07:01,280 You're running from your adult self: large, hairy, lust-filled ... Yes. Yes. 110 00:07:01,570 --> 00:07:02,790 You're gay! 111 00:07:04,100 --> 00:07:06,115 - I'm gay. - That's what it is! It's so obvious, Phill. 112 00:07:11,750 --> 00:07:14,340 So, there are lots of ways of interpreting the future, 113 00:07:14,341 --> 00:07:16,875 interpreting the present, and there are lots of "-mancies". 114 00:07:17,260 --> 00:07:20,925 So we here tonight, Stephen, could very well be said to be your mancy-boys. 115 00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:24,730 You are my mancy-boys. What do you think a margaritomancy is? 116 00:07:25,370 --> 00:07:26,690 - Margaritomancy? - Yes. 117 00:07:26,930 --> 00:07:29,620 Erm, someone who reads from oysters. 118 00:07:29,870 --> 00:07:32,230 - Oysters. Oh, that's quite intelligent, because you're thinking there - Thanks. 119 00:07:33,150 --> 00:07:36,020 that "margarita" is the Greek for "pearl". 120 00:07:36,340 --> 00:07:37,880 - It is just someone who reads pearls, yes, indeed. - Yes. 121 00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:39,670 Spatulomancy? 122 00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:43,140 - A blade or spade, isn't it? - A blade, yes. 123 00:07:43,290 --> 00:07:45,895 You as a doctor might know; it's the shoulder blades of sheep, in fact, 124 00:07:45,900 --> 00:07:47,220 so shoulder blades. 125 00:07:50,630 --> 00:07:52,033 Auspices, which is a word we use a lot 126 00:07:52,370 --> 00:07:55,540 "the auspices are good"-technically, is reading the flight patterns of birds. 127 00:07:56,020 --> 00:07:58,280 We read the auspices in all kinds of other ways, 128 00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:00,125 but essentially it's what humans do, don't we? 129 00:08:00,126 --> 00:08:03,100 We see patterns in things anywhere and we'll try and read something into it. 130 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:04,650 - Like the weather forecast. - The weather forecast is 131 00:08:04,890 --> 00:08:06,450 - Wrong. - always wrong. 132 00:08:06,451 --> 00:08:09,830 We might just as well be reading the entrails of kid goats and things like that. 133 00:08:09,950 --> 00:08:12,470 I think I would have watched Bill Gyles a lot more had he taken 134 00:08:13,490 --> 00:08:16,300 - Slit open a baby goat. - cut open the goat and go: 135 00:08:16,500 --> 00:08:19,395 "Well, it's going to be wet in Biddeford tomorrow." 136 00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:23,010 What would hippomancy mean? 137 00:08:26,820 --> 00:08:27,625 Yes, Graeme? 138 00:08:27,630 --> 00:08:29,830 Divining by the use of a circus. 139 00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:32,425 - Or possibly just horses. - Horses, indeed. 140 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:35,035 "Hippos" ... And, in fact, with ... The picture gave it away in the background. 141 00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:38,000 - It did a bit. - It did, rather unfortunately, but well done. Yes. Yeah. 142 00:08:42,210 --> 00:08:45,475 Horses are, in fact, about as intelligent as tropical fish, 143 00:08:45,730 --> 00:08:48,190 in terms of brain power. But they have extremely good memories. 144 00:08:48,630 --> 00:08:51,885 What was particularly clever about Clever Hans, the horse, 145 00:08:51,886 --> 00:08:53,425 who was rather famous in his day? 146 00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:56,020 Couldn't it count or give answers to something? 147 00:08:56,021 --> 00:08:57,790 Not just count; it could do square roots ... 148 00:08:58,190 --> 00:09:00,265 But it wasn't quite a con; it was something else. 149 00:09:00,430 --> 00:09:02,400 - Wasn't it that it could read body language, basically. - Exactly right. 150 00:09:02,401 --> 00:09:04,100 It could see people going 151 00:09:05,410 --> 00:09:09,450 "Is it? Is it? Is it?" And they're going: and he stomps. 152 00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:11,515 Only much, much subtler. It's basically what Derren Brown often does. 153 00:09:11,670 --> 00:09:14,645 And if you train yourself to know how to read someone's body language, 154 00:09:14,910 --> 00:09:18,620 the tiniest movement of an eye, the tiniest flexing of a muscle somewhere, 155 00:09:18,790 --> 00:09:21,610 all those sort of things, you can, as it were, read someone's mind. 156 00:09:21,890 --> 00:09:23,320 And this was what the horse was doing. 157 00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:26,890 - But Derren's Brown's a bit brighter than a tropical fish. - He's a lot brighter than the horse, we have to say! 158 00:09:26,940 --> 00:09:29,275 Do you know what, he's got one great trick ... 159 00:09:29,580 --> 00:09:33,120 You know when you've got an empty seat by you in a train, and you don't want anyone to sit there? 160 00:09:33,220 --> 00:09:36,490 He says you're insane to put things on the chair to stop people sitting there. 161 00:09:36,930 --> 00:09:38,340 The trick is, as they approach, 162 00:09:38,490 --> 00:09:41,135 you smile at them and pat the seat. 163 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:45,600 That's very good! 164 00:09:46,370 --> 00:09:47,860 Horses are just stupid, I'm afraid, 165 00:09:48,050 --> 00:09:49,630 and every day they have to re-invent the world, you know. You go 166 00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:52,945 "What's that?!" It's a piece of paper! 167 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:56,560 It's a hedge; you saw one yesterday! 168 00:09:56,980 --> 00:09:59,790 For Christ's sake, get a grip! Everything's ... 169 00:10:00,140 --> 00:10:04,625 You looked so much my like my nan, then. 170 00:10:05,770 --> 00:10:06,765 When you were ... 171 00:10:07,370 --> 00:10:08,940 "It's a hedge, nan!" 172 00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:13,815 So, anyway, what's the best thing to do with a dead donkey? 173 00:10:14,550 --> 00:10:16,680 - Yes. - Christmas dinner. A lovely Christmas dinner. 174 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:21,915 - If you're having the big family 'round, a donkey will go a long, long way. - Yeah ... 175 00:10:22,290 --> 00:10:23,970 The big old cavity; plenty of stuffing. 176 00:10:25,860 --> 00:10:27,760 Can you be hung like a dead donkey? 177 00:10:30,510 --> 00:10:33,555 People had this idea that donkeys knew when their death was coming 178 00:10:33,556 --> 00:10:37,000 and went away and apart from everyone else, like elephants are said to do. 179 00:10:37,290 --> 00:10:39,090 And therefore, to see a dead one was apparently very rare, 180 00:10:39,330 --> 00:10:41,100 although they're common. So it's considered very lucky. 181 00:10:41,430 --> 00:10:44,315 And you have to jump over it one, two, three times. 182 00:10:45,180 --> 00:10:47,740 The word "donkey": When did it come into the English language? 183 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:52,000 When was Don Quixote published? 184 00:10:56,020 --> 00:10:57,120 No, it's very odd. The word was "ass" 185 00:10:57,121 --> 00:11:00,430 all the way through the sixteenth, seventeenth centuries, most of the eighteenth century 186 00:11:00,620 --> 00:11:03,010 In the late eighteenth century it suddenly appeared, the word donkey. 187 00:11:03,470 --> 00:11:05,360 But it was pronounced "dunkey", like monkey. 188 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:10,130 If we wiped out every single mule on this planet 189 00:11:10,390 --> 00:11:11,920 today, all of them ... 190 00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:13,670 by next year ... 191 00:11:14,370 --> 00:11:15,870 there'd be 10,000 of them. 192 00:11:16,630 --> 00:11:18,430 - Really? - At least. 193 00:11:18,710 --> 00:11:20,400 - How would that work? - Because they're hybrids. 194 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:22,620 - They can't breed amongst themselves. - No, no, exactly. Yes. 195 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,165 - They can't actually breed amongst themselves, though - No, they can't. 196 00:11:24,170 --> 00:11:26,000 - so they rely on that - I see what you mean, so. 197 00:11:26,050 --> 00:11:26,955 So you could whack them out and you'd still have horses getting donkeys, 198 00:11:27,170 --> 00:11:29,270 so you still get the, er, mule population up. 199 00:11:29,370 --> 00:11:31,855 "You'll still have horses getting donkeys?" 200 00:11:32,060 --> 00:11:35,130 Yes. I wanted to put it mildly, I didn't want to say "boning them" 201 00:11:36,380 --> 00:11:38,385 - Which way 'round. Which way 'round is it, though? - It's the female horse. 202 00:11:38,530 --> 00:11:40,560 is correct. And the male donkey. 203 00:11:40,865 --> 00:11:42,960 - So it's the donkey that does the shagging. - The donkey's little. 204 00:11:43,220 --> 00:11:44,235 Yes. 205 00:11:44,630 --> 00:11:48,000 So donkeys are quite intelligent; they have to find a box and then... 206 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:51,730 No, because in one department, Phill, the donkey is blessed. 207 00:11:52,310 --> 00:11:55,230 - Now you see. - Well, that's a long reach, that, still. 208 00:11:56,670 --> 00:11:59,570 In fact, the donkey can do it from a different field, they can just ... 209 00:12:05,210 --> 00:12:06,900 If it chooses. 210 00:12:11,170 --> 00:12:16,080 Oh, dear. And they have a very Leslie Phillips way of treating their lady. They go, "Hee haw." 211 00:12:17,700 --> 00:12:20,140 No, that's right, yeah. And the other way round is called a "hinny". 212 00:12:20,310 --> 00:12:24,235 - The what? - Hinny. A male horse and a female donkey is called a hinny. 213 00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:25,775 - A hinny? - They're much rarer. 214 00:12:26,090 --> 00:12:31,965 When the female horse gives birth to a mule, 99.99 percent of female mules are sterile, 215 00:12:32,130 --> 00:12:35,220 and the males are invariably sterile, but they don't know they are. 216 00:12:36,530 --> 00:12:38,925 So they have to be gelded so that they don't shag all the time. 217 00:12:39,780 --> 00:12:41,280 What about donkey's milk. Do you know anything about that? 218 00:12:41,470 --> 00:12:42,645 - Donkey milk. - Yes. 219 00:12:42,650 --> 00:12:44,600 It probably makes an amazing cheese. 220 00:12:45,220 --> 00:12:47,185 Well, oddly enough, it's the one thing it doesn't. 221 00:12:47,740 --> 00:12:51,495 - No? - But come on, you're naive! 222 00:12:51,830 --> 00:12:55,445 - Sometimes, honestly - I want donkey cheese! 223 00:12:57,230 --> 00:13:00,470 In India they have always, in the countrysides, fed babies on donkeys' milk. 224 00:13:01,180 --> 00:13:02,210 It's very nutritious indeed; 225 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:05,295 it contains oligosaccharides, which are very, very good for you 226 00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:07,750 and have all kinds of immuno-helpful things, don't they, Dr Garden? 227 00:13:07,930 --> 00:13:09,600 I'm sure they do, yes. 228 00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:13,035 Very good for bathing in, too. Wasn't Cleopatra in ass's milk? 229 00:13:13,035 --> 00:13:16,840 She was in ass's milk, absolutely, and pure donkey's milk. Poppaea, the wife of Nero. 230 00:13:16,970 --> 00:13:20,060 Three hundred donkeys were milked to fill her bath. 231 00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:22,750 - Big girl, was she? - A big girl, yes. 232 00:13:24,740 --> 00:13:29,395 Now, we all know what demons are, but does anyone know what a demon-ym is? 233 00:13:29,770 --> 00:13:32,350 - D-E-M-O-N-Y-M. - Demonym. 234 00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:36,080 Is it a false name you give when you go on a march? 235 00:13:36,670 --> 00:13:38,555 Demo-nym. 236 00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:46,035 A demo-nym. Hey! No, it isn't. What does "demo" mean in Greek words? 237 00:13:46,190 --> 00:13:47,370 - People. - People. 238 00:13:47,630 --> 00:13:48,590 People. It means your people name. 239 00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:52,415 In other words, you could say: He is a Briton; 240 00:13:52,570 --> 00:13:56,270 he is an Englishman; he's a Scotsman; she's a Welshman; she's, you know, French. 241 00:13:57,870 --> 00:14:00,625 Now, if someone's from France, they're French, and if someone's from Germany, they're German, 242 00:14:00,770 --> 00:14:03,300 but what's the right word for someone who's from the USA? 243 00:14:04,420 --> 00:14:06,175 "Obese." 244 00:14:13,870 --> 00:14:17,300 Is it "burger-eating invasion monkey"? 245 00:14:20,430 --> 00:14:21,935 Oh, excellent. 246 00:14:23,140 --> 00:14:25,570 Is it "Columbian"? 247 00:14:25,830 --> 00:14:27,270 That is a word that is used. 248 00:14:27,490 --> 00:14:29,440 I don't know what it is in English, but I know... I've seen the French before. 249 00:14:29,670 --> 00:14:33,285 - It's like Etaunician. - Etaunician is the French, indeed, absolutely right. 250 00:14:33,580 --> 00:14:36,850 - There was the Spanish one, estadounidense. - Oh, right. Okay. 251 00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:40,370 The Chinese have lovely ones. They say, for American, meiguroren, 252 00:14:40,940 --> 00:14:43,520 - which means "lovely country person". - Does it? 253 00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:47,775 But what do you think they call the English? It's yingguoren, and that means... ? 254 00:14:48,170 --> 00:14:50,235 - Tiny country person. - No. It's rather nice; 255 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:54,710 I feel rather proud, really. It means "hero country person". 256 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:56,770 - Oh, that's great, isn't it. - A country full of heroes. 257 00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:59,940 Frenchmen are faguorens. 258 00:15:02,290 --> 00:15:04,500 Spineless and gay! 259 00:15:04,810 --> 00:15:07,920 Oddly enough, it means "law country person". 260 00:15:08,070 --> 00:15:10,925 Now, it's not a view widely held in the Middle East, 261 00:15:11,290 --> 00:15:14,040 that it's a land of lovely country people, but there you are. 262 00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:16,450 Speaking of the great Satan, America, 263 00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:21,160 how much would you say this recording is worth? List. 264 00:15:38,420 --> 00:15:40,700 - I'd say it's worth about a man's soul. 265 00:15:40,910 --> 00:15:42,200 Why do you say that? 266 00:15:42,210 --> 00:15:44,420 - Because . . . I've forgotten his name, the guitarist - Robert Johnson. 267 00:15:44,490 --> 00:15:47,780 - Robert Johnson. Who went to the crossroads... - It was Robert Johnson, and you know the story of the crossroads, exactly. 268 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,805 Well done. Excellent. 269 00:15:53,170 --> 00:15:55,965 - He recorded nineteen tunes. - Twenty nine songs. When? 270 00:15:56,390 --> 00:15:58,315 When? 1923? 271 00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:00,380 1938. In his mid twenties he was. 272 00:16:00,615 --> 00:16:04,930 He wandered into a studio and played extraordinary blues music. 273 00:16:05,230 --> 00:16:09,110 But what contributed, do you think, to this legend that it sold his soul? 274 00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:11,790 Because his talent bolted out of nowhere. 275 00:16:12,100 --> 00:16:14,390 Some people felt that. He'd gone away for a year or so 276 00:16:14,700 --> 00:16:18,710 and come back amazingly good and so much better, better than anyone had ever heard the blues. 277 00:16:18,910 --> 00:16:20,620 And how did he die eventually? What happened, because there's a different... 278 00:16:20,810 --> 00:16:23,110 - Did the devil claim his soul at the end? - He was shot in a hooch house. 279 00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:24,630 - Not shot. Again, it's... - Oh, poisoned. 280 00:16:24,631 --> 00:16:25,905 - ...all legend. Poison. - Yes. 281 00:16:25,906 --> 00:16:27,065 - A poison which... - Poison, was he poisoned? 282 00:16:27,066 --> 00:16:28,700 Strychnine in the whisky. 283 00:16:30,330 --> 00:16:32,330 He died in his twenties; he was an absolute classic 284 00:16:32,430 --> 00:16:35,615 sort of case of booze and whisky and women and... and wandering and, er 285 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,900 Yes, but you can't write the blues if you live a lovely life and you go jogging and... 286 00:16:39,060 --> 00:16:42,200 "The Gyles Brandreth Book of Blues"! 287 00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:46,700 Anyway, there you are. That's the great story of Robert Johnson. 288 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:52,570 Now, what is the first computer ever to beat a grand master at chess now doing? 289 00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:57,990 Is it filtering calls for British Telecom? 290 00:16:58,370 --> 00:17:01,220 - You're so close to being right. - If you have a billing query 291 00:17:01,530 --> 00:17:03,960 - It kind... - move knight to bishop three! 292 00:17:07,750 --> 00:17:09,270 Oh, very good. 293 00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:13,075 It's actually slightly more disturbing; 294 00:17:13,076 --> 00:17:16,440 - it's working for United Airlines as a reservations clerk. 295 00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:21,415 Didn't Kasparov say actually that it... He found it actually had intelligence, it was shifting. 296 00:17:21,710 --> 00:17:23,190 It was actually Deeper Blue, I think, when it beat him. 297 00:17:23,380 --> 00:17:25,920 - You're absolutely right. Deep Blue... - Wasn't it named after... 298 00:17:26,250 --> 00:17:28,250 Isn't IBM called the Big Blue? 299 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:29,625 - Is that its nickname? - It is. Yeah, it is. 300 00:17:29,850 --> 00:17:32,610 - And that and an amalgam of... ? - Of "Deep Thought". 301 00:17:32,950 --> 00:17:35,060 - "Deep Thought", which is... ? - In "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", yeah. 302 00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:37,208 I thought it was split in half, actually. It was in museums; they took... 303 00:17:37,210 --> 00:17:40,035 Well, yeah, they did, I mean they were only using part of it; it was immensely powerful. 304 00:17:40,270 --> 00:17:41,755 But didn't they cheat and actually, what.. 305 00:17:41,756 --> 00:17:44,315 what Kasparov pointed out is that it was, it... it managed to spot his trap 306 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:46,650 - in the sixth game or something, which is... - Absolutely right. 307 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:48,350 He set a trap in game two, 308 00:17:48,351 --> 00:17:50,835 which a computer could only have avoided by thinking creatively. 309 00:17:50,990 --> 00:17:53,200 leading Kasparov to accuse IBM of cheating, 310 00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:56,980 and leading Stephen Fry of accuse Johnny Vaughan of cheating and reading his cards, 311 00:17:57,220 --> 00:17:59,520 it was so accurate. Well done. Very good. 312 00:17:59,900 --> 00:18:01,100 Yeah. Excellent. 313 00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:06,170 I've watched Gary Kasparov, who played a match against Nigel Short in London. 314 00:18:06,610 --> 00:18:09,965 And it really is absolutely terrifying; you could feel this energy coming out of him. 315 00:18:10,220 --> 00:18:12,700 He hunches over the board and the way he moves the pieces, they... 316 00:18:12,930 --> 00:18:15,230 Even the way they move the pieces have names, you know. 317 00:18:15,550 --> 00:18:19,310 Vasily Smyslov, who was a very great Grand Master, for a long period in the 50s, 318 00:18:19,650 --> 00:18:22,590 he used to move his pieces like that and give a slight twist before letting go. 319 00:18:22,850 --> 00:18:24,654 - Oh. A flourish! - And still to this day, 320 00:18:24,655 --> 00:18:27,495 known as the "Smyslov screw". 321 00:18:27,900 --> 00:18:30,850 Because it's the way... As if he's screwing it into the board. 322 00:18:31,150 --> 00:18:32,400 - It's really extraordinary. - But he did complain 323 00:18:32,550 --> 00:18:35,840 that it was actually starting to show intelligence, rather than just cold logic. 324 00:18:36,050 --> 00:18:37,135 - Exactly. - Two hundred million permutations 325 00:18:37,136 --> 00:18:41,585 - it can think ahead or something. - Two hundred million positions a second can be analysed, yeah. 326 00:18:41,810 --> 00:18:44,500 Why don't we phone United Airlines and set a trap? 327 00:18:45,510 --> 00:18:49,060 Yes! That's a brilliant idea. "Me to seat A7." 328 00:18:52,610 --> 00:18:54,300 But doesn't it kind of restore your faith in the human mind, 329 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:55,630 rather than being cynical about IBM? 330 00:18:55,870 --> 00:18:59,735 The fact that, you know, he's going up against something that can do, what, two hundred million processes a second? 331 00:18:59,890 --> 00:19:02,340 It's amazing. It's close to autism, though, what he's got, isn't it? 332 00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:03,840 He happens to be more intelligent than most; 333 00:19:03,841 --> 00:19:07,134 some of them you wouldn't trust to sit the right way on a lavatory, to be honest, but he... 334 00:19:07,135 --> 00:19:10,925 That much of your brain is taken up with the... the processing you're doing, 335 00:19:11,090 --> 00:19:14,430 it's not surprising that you're not safe to use the street unattended. Er... 336 00:19:16,540 --> 00:19:20,075 Anyway, er, listen, listen. With that sad story of Gary Kasparov and Deeper Blue, 337 00:19:20,220 --> 00:19:22,980 I'm sure, as most of you will have predicted, 338 00:19:22,981 --> 00:19:26,330 we stumble towards the tragic end that we call General Ignorance, 339 00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:29,840 so fingers on buzzers, please. What is the number of the Beast? 340 00:19:30,950 --> 00:19:32,790 - Yes? - Six hundred and three score and six. 341 00:19:33,330 --> 00:19:34,595 Oh, no, no, no. 342 00:19:35,380 --> 00:19:37,155 - No, no. - That's the number of the Beast. 343 00:19:37,350 --> 00:19:38,750 - No, it isn't. - I lose points, don't I, for that bit of ignorance? 344 00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,320 - You do, you do, big points. - God, I'd done so well as well. - Big points. Yes. 345 00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:45,970 - Yes. Hello? - 0898. 346 00:19:47,590 --> 00:19:50,895 For almost 2,000 years, the number 666 has carried connotations of evil, 347 00:19:51,060 --> 00:19:54,930 but they've discovered an Oxyrhynchun from the old city of Oxyrhunchus 348 00:19:55,070 --> 00:19:57,800 - Oh, you pulled that on me. - They've discovered a papyrus which has the whole book of Revelations 349 00:19:57,870 --> 00:20:00,950 it's the oldest papyrus on the book of Revelations and the number is 616, as was known about. 350 00:20:02,980 --> 00:20:05,610 - Yeah? - That's the fax number of the Beast. 351 00:20:10,900 --> 00:20:14,320 St Irenaeus of Lyons had also seen some manuscript with 616 352 00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:16,730 and just said, "Oh, it can't be right," and changed it to 666. 353 00:20:16,990 --> 00:20:18,790 - So 616... - 616 in the original, absolutely, 354 00:20:18,930 --> 00:20:22,180 which is rather embarrassing for all those bus companies and roads 355 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:24,740 and things that have changed their name from 666. 356 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:26,844 Er, there's actually one bus company, 357 00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:31,805 in Moscow, changed its route 666 to 616. 358 00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:33,645 Which is really bad luck. 359 00:20:34,110 --> 00:20:37,495 There is an A666 in England, do you know where the A666 goes? 360 00:20:38,020 --> 00:20:39,760 - Lancashire somewhere. - It is Lancashire. - Yeah. 361 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,450 "Pendlebury . . . to Langho in Blackburn." 362 00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:46,280 All the numbers on a roulette wheel add up to...? 363 00:20:46,580 --> 00:20:49,485 666. Yes, they do. 364 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:54,560 Six hundred and sixty five pounds and ninety nine pence is the retail price of the Beast. 365 00:20:57,730 --> 00:21:00,660 And twenty five point eight-oh-six-nine-eight? 366 00:21:01,340 --> 00:21:04,560 - The square root of the Beast. - The root of all evil. 367 00:21:05,830 --> 00:21:08,790 Yes, exactly. I will give you 66.6 points 368 00:21:09,050 --> 00:21:12,260 if you can tell me what a fear of the number 666 is? 369 00:21:13,700 --> 00:21:17,990 It's hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia. There you are. 370 00:21:19,060 --> 00:21:21,425 The fear of 616 is the one we should now have, 371 00:21:21,810 --> 00:21:25,340 which is, hexakosioidekahexaphobia. 372 00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:27,540 Oh, that's all right then. 373 00:21:28,830 --> 00:21:30,820 Now, what about this. 374 00:21:31,100 --> 00:21:34,870 Which human being in history has done the most damage to the environment? 375 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,300 - Alan? - George Bush. 376 00:21:39,900 --> 00:21:41,040 Oh, no, no, no, no. 377 00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:44,040 Stalin, Genghis Kahn. Mao Zedong. Margaret Beckett. 378 00:21:50,860 --> 00:21:52,575 No. Not Margaret Beckett. 379 00:21:52,810 --> 00:21:55,060 We can give you his birth year. 1889. 380 00:21:56,170 --> 00:21:57,260 Yes. 381 00:21:57,261 --> 00:21:59,350 - Oh, no, it's not going to be Henry Ford, then. - No. 382 00:21:59,830 --> 00:22:01,150 - No, okay. Okay. - No. 383 00:22:01,770 --> 00:22:03,515 - Diesel! Mr Diesel. - No. Not that, neither. 384 00:22:03,750 --> 00:22:05,930 Oh. Again, I'm losing points fast, and it just... 385 00:22:06,130 --> 00:22:08,000 No, no, you don't lose them; you only lose points if there's a... 386 00:22:08,003 --> 00:22:10,145 - All right, okay! - because you've said something obvious or 387 00:22:10,370 --> 00:22:13,560 - Mr Chrysler! - No, no, no. 388 00:22:13,561 --> 00:22:16,030 - Sorry, sorry. It's not, if I tell you his name - Henry Lawrence! 389 00:22:16,300 --> 00:22:18,040 - I'll tell you his name. - William Wallace! 390 00:22:18,043 --> 00:22:19,540 - I'll tell you his name. - Go on, then. 391 00:22:19,830 --> 00:22:21,625 - Thomas Midgely. - Thomas Midgely? 392 00:22:22,090 --> 00:22:24,815 He discovered by chance that iodine added to kerosene 393 00:22:24,990 --> 00:22:26,950 reduced knocking in cars. 394 00:22:27,210 --> 00:22:30,970 So he decided that although it slightly reduced it, "slightly" wasn't enough; 395 00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:32,760 he wanted completely to reduce it. 396 00:22:33,170 --> 00:22:36,250 So he tried every single chemical in the periodic table, 397 00:22:36,251 --> 00:22:38,340 until he came up with lead. 398 00:22:39,530 --> 00:22:42,870 And as a result, all motor cars 399 00:22:43,110 --> 00:22:45,590 for seventy-odd years put lead in their petrol, 400 00:22:46,090 --> 00:22:49,155 creating billions and billions of dollars worth of 401 00:22:49,370 --> 00:22:52,950 And millions of tonnes of lead into the atmosphere. 402 00:22:53,260 --> 00:22:56,860 - Harming millions, probably, of people. - And yet he... he... he looks a lovely fellah. 403 00:22:57,060 --> 00:22:58,530 He looks a lovely fellah. 404 00:22:58,970 --> 00:23:01,660 Some think it was his guilt about that 405 00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:07,560 that led him to think of doing something about the nasty old sulphur dioxide 406 00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:11,720 and the nasty old ammonia that we used in refrigeration. 407 00:23:12,390 --> 00:23:16,425 So he discovered in three days dichloroflouromethane. 408 00:23:16,650 --> 00:23:18,110 - Fantastic. - And he was very proud of that, 409 00:23:18,270 --> 00:23:20,710 because it's inert, it's non-toxic, it's beneficial; 410 00:23:20,950 --> 00:23:22,160 the first of the freons. 411 00:23:23,630 --> 00:23:26,360 - What did he not know it was also doing? - Destroying the ozone layer. 412 00:23:26,361 --> 00:23:28,850 - Destroying the ozone layer. - He's a card, isn't he? 413 00:23:29,140 --> 00:23:33,230 Not content with thousands and hundreds of millions of tonnes of lead! 414 00:23:33,231 --> 00:23:35,700 - What was his next trick? - His... His next trick... 415 00:23:36,130 --> 00:23:38,200 The cigarette! 416 00:23:39,650 --> 00:23:42,660 - "I'm sick of not having smoke going into my lungs. What..." - As you know... 417 00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:47,200 - Then he decided to cut out the middle man and just kill babies with hammers. 418 00:23:48,650 --> 00:23:50,170 - So anyway... - That's where they drew the line. 419 00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:52,895 So he's put lead in petrol; he's invented CFCs; 420 00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:57,240 er, but then he was struck by polio at the age of 51. 421 00:23:57,250 --> 00:23:59,420 Well, fucking good! 422 00:24:00,420 --> 00:24:01,470 It gets better. 423 00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:04,320 He invented for himself a harness, 424 00:24:04,580 --> 00:24:06,850 because he was crippled by polio, to get himself in and out of bed. 425 00:24:08,060 --> 00:24:09,400 One morning 426 00:24:09,700 --> 00:24:11,735 he had swung around a little bit oddly, 427 00:24:11,736 --> 00:24:16,380 and in the ensuing struggle he strangled himself to death. 428 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:20,700 - Hoisted by his . . . - By his own petard, aged 55. 429 00:24:21,500 --> 00:24:24,890 And that's Thomas Midgely, the man who's done more damage than anybody else. 430 00:24:25,290 --> 00:24:30,020 Anyway, which religion causes harm by sticking pins into dolls? 431 00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:33,300 I don't know, but I bet he set it up. 432 00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:35,815 Pins into dolls, who do that? 433 00:24:37,300 --> 00:24:38,130 - Oh, hello. - Voodoo. 434 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:41,560 Oh, who said that? He did? 435 00:24:41,730 --> 00:24:44,540 He said "voodoo". Thank God, he hexed it. No, it isn't. 436 00:24:44,810 --> 00:24:47,050 Voodoo was never involved the sticking of pins into dolls. 437 00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:49,880 - What... What... So, what religion does? - European witchcraft. 438 00:24:50,460 --> 00:24:53,025 Oh, I always thought it was Methodists! 439 00:24:54,220 --> 00:24:55,650 - Do you know... - They're a bunch of heretics. 440 00:24:55,700 --> 00:24:58,830 Do you know what the dolls are called in European witchcraft? They're made of wax or they're made of ceramics, made of wood, 441 00:24:58,980 --> 00:25:00,365 straw, all kinds of things, but there's a word for them. 442 00:25:00,540 --> 00:25:02,720 Do you know it? It's rather nice."Poppets." 443 00:25:03,470 --> 00:25:04,855 - They're called "poppets". - Ah, isn't that lovely. 444 00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:10,000 The closest, anyway, that voodoo ever comes, is... They do have these little empowered figures called Bocheos, 445 00:25:10,015 --> 00:25:12,220 which have small holes in, into which you put 446 00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:14,025 tiny pegs to channel healing energy. 447 00:25:14,410 --> 00:25:17,170 So it's a generous kind thing, voodoo, to help people. 448 00:25:17,540 --> 00:25:19,755 It had made its way through slavery from West Africa 449 00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:23,160 to the Caribbean in particular. Of course, Haiti is where it's most associated with. 450 00:25:23,690 --> 00:25:27,170 The missionaries and so on came and they wanted to discredit the local religion 451 00:25:27,340 --> 00:25:29,260 religion in order to raise up the claims of Christianity, 452 00:25:29,460 --> 00:25:32,400 , so they said it was full of cannibalism and zombie- ism and, and... 453 00:25:32,940 --> 00:25:36,080 and things that they'd actually gotten out of European witchcraft. 454 00:25:36,890 --> 00:25:39,718 And so it was really poor old Voodoo who has rather suffered from it. Terrible. Terrible. 455 00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:41,000 They should get you to do redo their image for them. 456 00:25:41,125 --> 00:25:44,430 Yeah, why not. "New... Double Action Voodoo." 457 00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:48,405 Take two poppets into the shower. 458 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:50,730 Yes! Exactly. 459 00:25:51,310 --> 00:25:55,070 And finally, what is a desire line? 460 00:25:55,750 --> 00:25:59,630 - Yeah? - Is it between the District and the Circle, just on the...? 461 00:26:00,810 --> 00:26:02,630 It is to do with travel in a sort of way. 462 00:26:02,780 --> 00:26:04,380 It's the name the planners give to the, 463 00:26:04,550 --> 00:26:07,975 apparently almost haphazard maze of meandering lines 464 00:26:08,290 --> 00:26:11,330 that people make, like paths, that often don't follow contours... 465 00:26:11,331 --> 00:26:13,100 - Oh, great. - And they're called desire lines. 466 00:26:13,370 --> 00:26:16,910 There is actually a rather nice word people use for those who wander along without really thinking. 467 00:26:17,120 --> 00:26:18,460 - Do you know what it's called? - Trespassers. 468 00:26:18,461 --> 00:26:19,660 No. 469 00:26:20,870 --> 00:26:22,780 "Get out of it!" 470 00:26:23,050 --> 00:26:25,930 "Meanderthals." 471 00:26:26,390 --> 00:26:28,760 Wise designers are now designing public spaces 472 00:26:28,940 --> 00:26:33,120 where they allow people's infinite capacity to wander apparently at random and make paths. 473 00:26:33,121 --> 00:26:34,780 I like that. Desire lines, yeah. 474 00:26:34,930 --> 00:26:37,670 - Yeah, desire lines. It's very pleasing, isn't it? - Do I get my points back for liking it 475 00:26:37,671 --> 00:26:41,630 - and being interested? - Let's first see if you can predict your scores. 476 00:26:41,631 --> 00:26:43,690 Because if you can, accurately, 477 00:26:43,790 --> 00:26:48,990 there will be six hundred and sixty six points in it for you. The old number of the Beast! 478 00:26:49,220 --> 00:26:51,690 - You want to know if I can predict my score? - Yes. 479 00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:00,380 And...? 480 00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:04,200 - No. - No. 481 00:27:05,410 --> 00:27:06,900 Graeme, what have you got there? 482 00:27:07,810 --> 00:27:10,830 I have my faith in cheeses and I've 483 00:27:12,120 --> 00:27:14,450 - got minus one. - Minus one you think you've got. 484 00:27:14,730 --> 00:27:17,120 I think I've got plus seven. 485 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,875 Excellent. Well, I wonder what Alan thinks he's got. 486 00:27:20,330 --> 00:27:22,370 Won on penalties! 487 00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:26,640 We shall see. Let me give you a true reading now. 488 00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:28,615 In first place, 489 00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:31,570 with seven, is Graeme. 490 00:27:33,180 --> 00:27:34,280 Oh! And I've got the minus one. 491 00:27:35,060 --> 00:27:38,535 Phill, you have plus six in second place. Just one off. 492 00:27:41,700 --> 00:27:44,910 And I'm afraid, because you did fall into a few of our heffalump traps, 493 00:27:45,500 --> 00:27:49,220 third place, Johnny Vaughan with minus nineteen. 494 00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:58,300 I don't think you have to be Nostradamus to know who came in lastly lastington. 495 00:27:58,630 --> 00:28:04,180 It was Mr Alan Arsenal Absent Davies with minus seventy! 496 00:28:12,190 --> 00:28:16,195 That's it from QI. I leave you with this mysterious quatrain from Stephen Wright, 497 00:28:16,490 --> 00:28:18,140 the Nostradamus de nos jours. 498 00:28:18,470 --> 00:28:21,680 "I went to a restaurant/That serves breakfast at any time./ 499 00:28:21,930 --> 00:28:25,610 /So I ordered French toast/During the Renaissance." Good night. 500 00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:10,000 A very enjoyable show, apart from the nonsense about the counting. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net