1 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:35,991 Well, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 2 00:00:36,030 --> 00:00:41,221 and welcome to QI, the low, low budget quiz show, 3 00:00:41,260 --> 00:00:45,121 otherwise known as Who Wants To Be A Commissionaire? 4 00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:49,001 Let me, er, introduce our contestants, one of whom tonight 5 00:00:49,040 --> 00:00:53,991 has the chance to win absolutely fuck all! 6 00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:59,691 Will it be A) Mark Steel? 7 00:00:59,730 --> 00:01:02,941 B) Vic Reeves? 8 00:01:03,980 --> 00:01:06,601 C) Roger McGough? 9 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:12,531 - Or D)... Actually, let's ask the audience - Alan Davies! 10 00:01:12,570 --> 00:01:15,711 Welcome to you all. Now, tonight's programme 11 00:01:15,750 --> 00:01:18,721 is all about "denial and deprivation". 12 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:24,551 So to that end, we've done away with dreary old desks, we've fired the lighting director, 13 00:01:24,590 --> 00:01:29,991 and the audience is actually out in the street tonight. 14 00:01:30,870 --> 00:01:33,312 Well, there we are. And, of course, the buzzers tonight will be operated by hand; 15 00:01:33,351 --> 00:01:38,641 they'll be hand cranked. And Roger will go: 16 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:42,261 Mark goes. 17 00:01:42,300 --> 00:01:45,611 Vic goes: 18 00:01:45,650 --> 00:01:49,251 And Alan goes: 19 00:01:52,290 --> 00:01:55,251 Tonight, "denial and deprivation". 20 00:01:55,290 --> 00:01:59,341 Each of you has some pieces of jail-breaking equipment, 21 00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:02,431 all of which have been successfully used. 22 00:02:02,470 --> 00:02:05,271 At the end of the show I'm going to ask you to use your skill and judgment 23 00:02:05,310 --> 00:02:08,941 to work out how it might have been done. 24 00:02:08,980 --> 00:02:14,101 But first, why do children play with their food? 25 00:02:14,140 --> 00:02:17,551 The sixth child of Sigmund Freud was called Anna Freud, 26 00:02:17,590 --> 00:02:20,641 and she took up her father's beacon of battiness. 27 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:26,761 She was the first person to write about denial. There's Sigmund on the right. Erm... 28 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:30,501 For me, playing with food came out of being deprived in Liverpool, 29 00:02:30,540 --> 00:02:31,541 when there were no toys. 30 00:02:31,580 --> 00:02:35,581 - So did you make, sort of, things out of meat balls, instead of Lego? - Well, exactly. 31 00:02:35,620 --> 00:02:38,921 Mum used to put out a plate of turnip tops and cockles. 32 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:43,131 So as a youth, your toys were cockles? 33 00:02:43,170 --> 00:02:46,111 Cockles. My first toy was toy cheese. 34 00:02:46,150 --> 00:02:47,831 - For Christmas. - Toy cheese?! 35 00:02:47,870 --> 00:02:50,471 Honestly, it was a metal-like cheese portion, which you wound up 36 00:02:50,510 --> 00:02:53,551 used to wind up, I remember this, on the lino, and put it down, 37 00:02:53,590 --> 00:02:59,551 and it used to make, like, cheese-y movements. 38 00:02:59,590 --> 00:03:02,891 - Cheese-y movements? - Yes. 39 00:03:02,930 --> 00:03:04,741 That is a very good reason to play with foods, 40 00:03:04,780 --> 00:03:07,891 and it makes me all the sicker at the weirdness of Anna Freud. 41 00:03:07,930 --> 00:03:13,111 Anna Freud believed, by playing with their food, they were really playing with their excrement. 42 00:03:13,150 --> 00:03:16,227 The thing is, a child could play with its excrement, 43 00:03:16,266 --> 00:03:17,372 - If it wanted to! - if it wanted to! 44 00:03:17,411 --> 00:03:19,501 Of all human phases that you're in, it... 45 00:03:19,540 --> 00:03:21,782 lower infancy is the one where you can most get away 46 00:03:21,821 --> 00:03:23,701 with playing with your excrement. 47 00:03:23,740 --> 00:03:28,311 "Oh, he's got his hand in his nappy again." But that's what... the one thing that we don't touch. 48 00:03:28,350 --> 00:03:31,701 The Freud family is a good example. Anna Freud suffered from depression all her life 49 00:03:31,740 --> 00:03:33,481 and never had children. 50 00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:36,681 Sigmund Freud was terrified of the number 62, 51 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:42,242 and so he refused to ever stay in a hotel that had more than 61 rooms, 52 00:03:42,281 --> 00:03:44,031 in case he got number 62. 53 00:03:44,070 --> 00:03:46,031 And the first time after he'd made this rule, 54 00:03:46,070 --> 00:03:49,431 the first room that he was booked into was number 31, 55 00:03:49,470 --> 00:03:52,751 and he went, "Oh, see! Half of 62!" 56 00:03:52,790 --> 00:04:02,791 Yeah, but, 62: Rhymes with poo; "6" looks like a poo pursued by a swan. 57 00:04:02,830 --> 00:04:06,691 You know one of the things that people say is always a test of whether you're anal, 58 00:04:06,730 --> 00:04:09,541 - is whether you keep your records in alphabetical order. - Yeah. 59 00:04:09,580 --> 00:04:12,481 But... And I think, "Well, surely, it depends on how many records you've got." 60 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:19,911 I mean, if you've just got two and you keep going back and checking them: "Oh, Abba, ZZ Top; they're still there, that's all right. 61 00:04:19,950 --> 00:04:21,592 I've got a room full of bloody records! 62 00:04:21,631 --> 00:04:23,922 I keep them in alphabetical order so I can find the one I want. 63 00:04:23,961 --> 00:04:28,611 Apparently, it means I've got a problem with me arse! How is that, then? 64 00:04:28,650 --> 00:04:31,131 I shouldn't think, in her time, 65 00:04:31,170 --> 00:04:34,941 they had Alphabetti Spaghetti 66 00:04:34,980 --> 00:04:39,391 - That's true! - which was the main reason I played with my food, every breakfast. 67 00:04:39,430 --> 00:04:45,401 I'd just insert my meatballs up my arsehole whenever they'd turn up on the plate. 68 00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:47,511 And if they want to call you anal, it's up to them. 69 00:04:47,550 --> 00:04:50,841 It's in their court. The ball's in their court. 70 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:53,881 The ball is up your arse. 71 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:57,381 Ineffably, imponderably stupid, and wonderful. 72 00:04:57,420 --> 00:05:01,421 Now, er, Vic, does your wife like banting? 73 00:05:01,460 --> 00:05:04,891 - Does she like a good bant? Has she ever banted? - Oh, regularly. - Does she? 74 00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:09,471 On a Sunday afternoon, after the war film. 75 00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:11,012 She bants, does she? 76 00:05:11,051 --> 00:05:13,181 My wife adores bunting. 77 00:05:13,220 --> 00:05:15,361 Does she? 78 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,041 This is banting. It's what you call a back-formation. 79 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:22,061 Do you know the verb "to maffick", which means "to celebrate"? 80 00:05:22,100 --> 00:05:23,691 Which comes from Mafeking Night, 81 00:05:23,730 --> 00:05:25,591 when the relief of Mafeking in the Boer War. 82 00:05:25,630 --> 00:05:27,391 And so people said. "We are mafficking." 83 00:05:27,430 --> 00:05:30,281 Rather like the old joke about Kipling: "I don't know, I've never Kippled." 84 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:32,791 Because obviously, Kipling's not a verb, nor is mafficking, 85 00:05:32,830 --> 00:05:34,221 but banting is the same thing. 86 00:05:34,260 --> 00:05:36,331 'Cause there was actually a man called William Banting 87 00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:38,811 who started a fad that is still with us today. 88 00:05:38,850 --> 00:05:43,071 He wrote a book called the Letter on Corpulence in 1864. 89 00:05:43,110 --> 00:05:46,581 And he was the first man systematically to come up with diets. 90 00:05:46,620 --> 00:05:48,682 "To bant" is "to diet": "I'm banting. I'm on a diet." 91 00:05:48,721 --> 00:05:53,161 - "Biltong" is a dried meat, isn't it? - Yes, it is. 92 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:56,831 And "building" is a sort of large edifice. 93 00:05:56,870 --> 00:05:59,911 Air-dried meat is a mystery to me. 94 00:05:59,950 --> 00:06:02,301 Is it? 95 00:06:02,340 --> 00:06:03,981 Because I tried to do it; I was in a restaurant; 96 00:06:04,020 --> 00:06:06,692 had a bit of steak and tried to dry it out in the toilets on the hand drier. 97 00:06:06,731 --> 00:06:09,341 But it didn't work. 98 00:06:09,380 --> 00:06:12,111 "Life with Vic"! Erm... 99 00:06:12,150 --> 00:06:15,781 No, well, anyway, William Banting, as I say, started this... this trend, 100 00:06:15,820 --> 00:06:18,341 which before, really, in our civilisation, at least, 101 00:06:18,380 --> 00:06:22,469 Fatness had been a sign of prosperity and no one had ever worried about it. 102 00:06:22,508 --> 00:06:25,601 But they think that the person who really started the trend, 103 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:28,821 in America, was William Howard Taft, the American president, 104 00:06:28,860 --> 00:06:31,621 who got stuck in a bath once, he was so fat. 105 00:06:31,660 --> 00:06:35,381 And he decided to do something about it and went on a diet, and this became well known. 106 00:06:35,420 --> 00:06:38,111 And at the same time, Hollywood was beginning, of course. 107 00:06:38,150 --> 00:06:40,891 And suddenly this idea of trying to be thin caught on 108 00:06:40,930 --> 00:06:43,311 and has been plaguing us ever since, of course. 109 00:06:43,350 --> 00:06:47,011 As late as the fifties, the big fad was the tapeworm pill. 110 00:06:47,050 --> 00:06:50,101 You swallowed a pill that had a tapeworm egg in it. 111 00:06:50,140 --> 00:06:54,441 Because people observed that poor people were very thin, often, 112 00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:57,471 and perhaps it was because they often had parasites and worms inside, 113 00:06:57,510 --> 00:06:59,051 not because they weren't eating enough, no, no. 114 00:06:59,090 --> 00:07:01,821 - A friend of mine had a tapeworm. - Really? 115 00:07:01,860 --> 00:07:04,661 - Three feet long. - When did he discover that he had it? 116 00:07:04,700 --> 00:07:06,991 When he went to the doctor. 117 00:07:07,740 --> 00:07:09,001 And... Fair enough. 118 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:10,561 I don't know how they got it out. 119 00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:12,721 There's that rumour about the Mars Bar, isn't there? 120 00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:15,991 - Oh, go on. What? - If you've got a tapeworm, you starve yourself 121 00:07:16,030 --> 00:07:21,141 then you put out a Mars bar, near your... 122 00:07:21,180 --> 00:07:22,353 Ye-es? 123 00:07:22,392 --> 00:07:27,961 and the tapeworm is so hungry it comes out and goes for the Mars bar. 124 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:32,991 And you grab it and pull it out! 125 00:07:36,230 --> 00:07:39,331 But there we are. More on disturbing physical practices now. 126 00:07:39,370 --> 00:07:44,731 What is meant by the expression "hoover the talking seal"? 127 00:07:44,770 --> 00:07:46,951 What would I mean if I said that? 128 00:07:46,990 --> 00:07:51,141 It's either one of those wonderful Oz expressions for throwing up. 129 00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:55,101 "I'm just gonna have to, er, hoover the talking seal." 130 00:07:55,140 --> 00:08:00,201 Or "My wife came in just as I was 'hoovering the talking seal'." 131 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:03,631 Yes. Or Edgar Hoover. None of the Presidents liked him at all; 132 00:08:03,670 --> 00:08:06,261 they all tried to get rid of him, particularly Nixon. 133 00:08:06,300 --> 00:08:09,421 I imagine him flopping round the Oval room, 134 00:08:09,460 --> 00:08:11,221 you know, balancing a ball on his head. 135 00:08:11,260 --> 00:08:14,991 Or it could be a talking seal called Hoover. 136 00:08:15,500 --> 00:08:21,461 - Yes. - It's a talking seal called Hoover. 137 00:08:23,500 --> 00:08:27,101 The only mammal ever known to have produced human speech. 138 00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:33,061 He was found as a seal pup in 1971, in Maine, 139 00:08:33,100 --> 00:08:37,611 by a family called the Swallows. And they found that he started talking 140 00:08:37,650 --> 00:08:41,031 and he even had a Bostonian accent. 141 00:08:41,070 --> 00:08:43,627 Erm, I don't know if you'll agree, but I think he's saying here, 142 00:08:43,650 --> 00:08:49,991 something like "hello there" and "get out of here", in a more-or-less New England accent. 143 00:08:53,970 --> 00:08:55,601 "Get out of here." 144 00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:57,961 I think it's "get out of here, come on, get down. 145 00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:03,881 Let's hear that again. We've got to hear it one more time. 146 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:09,611 I have to say, I've heard Americans a lot less eloquent than that. 147 00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:12,581 He died at a very ripe old age, in 1985. 148 00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:16,211 - What were his final words? - Ah, yes. 149 00:09:16,250 --> 00:09:19,241 "Go on, get out of here!" 150 00:09:19,740 --> 00:09:23,661 But he appeared on ABC's breakfast show, Good Morning America. 151 00:09:23,700 --> 00:09:26,211 He received his own obituary in the Boston Globe. 152 00:09:26,250 --> 00:09:30,551 Now, from the "blah blah" seal to La Bastille. 153 00:09:30,590 --> 00:09:32,881 - Do you see what I've done there? - I see what you've done, yes. 154 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:35,431 - It's in Paris. - "Paris" is good. - Yes. 155 00:09:35,470 --> 00:09:39,161 Very good. Can you tell me anything else interesting about La Bastille? Either of you. Mark. 156 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:41,061 - It was a prison. - It was a prison. 157 00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:44,361 - And it was stormed on July 12th. - 14th. 158 00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:46,481 14th, but close. Two days out. 159 00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:51,591 You say two days out, but I'd have stormed it two days early; I'd have been on my own. 160 00:09:51,630 --> 00:09:53,601 There were only seven prisoners, weren't there? 161 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:56,572 - is exactly the right number; there were only... - Two lunatics, two... 162 00:09:56,611 --> 00:09:59,991 - Yes. - Hang on. 163 00:10:02,130 --> 00:10:04,631 Two lunatics, two forgers, 164 00:10:04,670 --> 00:10:09,061 two thieves, and a very bad mime artist. 165 00:10:09,100 --> 00:10:11,491 Wasn't he convinced he was Julius Caesar, one of them? 166 00:10:11,530 --> 00:10:13,401 Oh, this is good. You're getting points, too. 167 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:16,431 I'll come to this. This is impressive. 168 00:10:16,470 --> 00:10:18,101 Listen to this. 169 00:10:18,140 --> 00:10:20,582 We have four forgers. We have the Comte de Solanges, 170 00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:24,221 who was inside for "sexual misdemeanors", 171 00:10:24,260 --> 00:10:25,922 but unspecified kind. 172 00:10:25,961 --> 00:10:29,751 Two lunatics, one of whom was an Englishman or an Irishman, they're not quite sure 173 00:10:29,790 --> 00:10:32,441 called Major Whyte with a waist-length beard, 174 00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:34,401 who thought he was Julius Caesar. 175 00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:36,552 You know, the Marquis de Sade would have been in the prison 176 00:10:36,591 --> 00:10:39,291 at the time of the storming of the Bastille. It's a very tragic story, this, 177 00:10:39,330 --> 00:10:41,361 because he was in there for a long time, 178 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:45,061 but a week before the storming of the Bastille, he was transferred to another prison 179 00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:49,742 because he'd been upsetting passers-by by shouting obscenities at them through a tube out of the window. 180 00:10:49,781 --> 00:10:53,081 This is... It's as if you've been reading my card, Mark! 181 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:55,791 And so all his stuff... It was tragic, because... And he spoke to his wife 182 00:10:55,830 --> 00:10:59,281 and he said, "Look, can you make sure you go 'round there and pick all this writing up; 183 00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:01,031 I've spent years writing in there." 184 00:11:01,070 --> 00:11:03,482 And she thought, "Well, you know, no rush, is there? It's the Bastille." 185 00:11:03,521 --> 00:11:05,881 Safest place in Paris. 186 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:08,311 "What's going to happen to that?" And then I think she went down there on the day of the storming of the Bastille 187 00:11:08,350 --> 00:11:11,061 and thought, "Oh, shit." 188 00:11:11,100 --> 00:11:13,871 Absolutely right. Ten days before the storming 189 00:11:13,910 --> 00:11:15,451 was when he was moved to Vincennes. 190 00:11:15,490 --> 00:11:18,051 And the authorities were upset because he was shouting not just obscenities, 191 00:11:18,090 --> 00:11:21,021 but anti-monarchist sentiments at passers-by. 192 00:11:21,060 --> 00:11:24,071 So they moved him to Vincennes, and otherwise he would have been released. 193 00:11:24,110 --> 00:11:26,541 It was rather like the Tower of London, and even at the Tower of London's height, 194 00:11:26,580 --> 00:11:28,631 it was quite a civilised place to be a prisoner. 195 00:11:28,670 --> 00:11:32,721 I mean, you got wine and food and you got an allowance; you got tobacco; 196 00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:35,101 you could move around as much as you like. 197 00:11:35,140 --> 00:11:38,271 So this was like the Groucho of the prison world. 198 00:11:38,310 --> 00:11:42,251 Yeah! The English equivalent, as I've mentioned, is the Tower of London. 199 00:11:42,290 --> 00:11:46,411 So tell me why the Kray twins were imprisoned in the Tower of London? 200 00:11:46,450 --> 00:11:49,121 - Were they ravens who were named after them? - No, that's a cunning answer. 201 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:50,941 The ravens do have weird names. 202 00:11:50,980 --> 00:11:53,631 And they're literally prisoners, 'cause they're kept in cages at the moment, 203 00:11:53,670 --> 00:11:55,741 because of the worries of bird flu. 204 00:11:55,780 --> 00:11:59,761 They're called Gwylum, Thor, Hugine, Munin, 205 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:05,131 - Branwen, Bran, Gandulf, and Baldrick. - And Dave. 206 00:12:05,170 --> 00:12:07,372 - So they did actually have the Krays in the Tower? - They had Ronnie and Reggie of the... 207 00:12:07,411 --> 00:12:10,531 - of the three Kray brothers. - Was there a prison officer's strike or something 208 00:12:10,570 --> 00:12:13,161 - and there was nowhere else to put 'em? - No, they were a bit younger than that. 209 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,931 Did they go on a school trip? 210 00:12:14,970 --> 00:12:16,141 No. 211 00:12:16,180 --> 00:12:18,091 - National service? - Very good, 212 00:12:18,130 --> 00:12:19,881 - absolutely right. - Because there was a barracks there, wasn't there? 213 00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:22,160 There was a barracks there and that was their one; 214 00:12:22,170 --> 00:12:25,470 it was the City of London Regiment of the First Battalion of the Royal Fusiliers, 215 00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:28,670 which is where people like Michael Caine had gone when they'd done their national service. 216 00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:32,360 People in the East End: that was their local barracks. 217 00:12:32,370 --> 00:12:34,450 But they were actually imprisoned there, 218 00:12:34,460 --> 00:12:37,320 because when they did their national service, "they don't like it. 219 00:12:37,330 --> 00:12:39,630 "Ron and Reggie didn't like it!" 220 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:41,680 And they beat up their training sergeant 221 00:12:41,690 --> 00:12:46,310 and, er, "and went home to have tea with their mum". 222 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:48,780 The weird thing about Ronnie is, he was pretty... pretty psychopathic 223 00:12:48,790 --> 00:12:52,080 and as most people know, he was gay, but he had this weird thing, 224 00:12:52,090 --> 00:12:54,180 that everyone had to admire his boyfriend. 225 00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:57,730 So they'd have a meeting of the Firm, and there'd be the heads of, "Plaistow and Hackney 226 00:12:57,740 --> 00:13:00,310 and Dalston and all the local branches of the Firm", 227 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:05,790 and there'd be Ronnie, the Colonel, and there'd be a seventeen youth called Cyprian or something. Standing there. 228 00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:09,900 And Ronnie would go, "Hello everybody, this is Cyprian," and they'd go, "Hello, Cyprian." 229 00:13:09,910 --> 00:13:11,620 And Ronnie would go, "Inn'e gorgeous?" 230 00:13:11,630 --> 00:13:15,710 And they'd all have to go. "Oh, he's lovely, Ronnie! Oh, he's... 231 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:19,650 Oh, how you pick 'em! Oh, you lucky dog." 232 00:13:19,660 --> 00:13:22,880 David Putnam, of all people, used to manage them for a very short period of time. 233 00:13:22,890 --> 00:13:25,140 - I know; it's weird. - What? - Yeah, he did. 234 00:13:25,150 --> 00:13:29,250 They wanted to go legitimate, and he tells a story of how they were with David Bailey, 235 00:13:29,260 --> 00:13:33,210 who took those famous photographs of the two of them in suits, you know, the... standing one behind the other. 236 00:13:33,220 --> 00:13:37,480 And they were all in this pub; it wasn't the Blind Beggar, but it was a Kray pub. 237 00:13:37,490 --> 00:13:42,420 Ronnie had gone off, he was the insane one, so they were left with Reggie, who's supposedly the... the normal one. 238 00:13:42,430 --> 00:13:46,870 And these couple of drunks come in, and they suddenly spot David Bailey, 239 00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:49,740 and they go, "Oh, you're David Bailey, ain't you? Go on, take me photograph." 240 00:13:49,750 --> 00:13:52,940 And David Bailey goes, "No, no." They said, "No, don't be a fucking arsehole; 241 00:13:52,950 --> 00:13:54,430 take me photograph." 242 00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:59,640 He said, "No, no, I've run out of film." "Don't be... give me that; take my photograph!" 243 00:13:59,650 --> 00:14:03,100 Reggie gets up and looks at himself in the mirror across the bar like that and suddenly goes 244 00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:05,140 "baff", like that. 245 00:14:05,150 --> 00:14:08,380 And knocks him right across the room and he bangs his head against a piano 246 00:14:08,390 --> 00:14:12,430 and blood starts to trickle down, and his mate goes to him, and they just flee. 247 00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:14,740 And David Bailey, to his credit, was very angry and says, 248 00:14:14,750 --> 00:14:16,920 "Reggie, you are a tosser. 249 00:14:16,930 --> 00:14:18,805 For God's sake, I get this every day; I'm a photographer; 250 00:14:18,815 --> 00:14:22,810 people know what I look like. I can handle it; you didn't have to do that; you could have killed him." 251 00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:25,980 There was this terrible silence that Reggie had been shouted at like this. 252 00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:28,431 And he gave a little shy smile and he said, "Well, to tell you the truth, Mr Bailey, 253 00:14:28,441 --> 00:14:36,030 I'd had my eye on that cunt all afternoon; he'd been eating my sandwiches!" 254 00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:39,561 Very extraordinary. Anyway. 255 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,431 "Hoover the Talking Seal 256 00:14:45,470 --> 00:14:48,881 An audacious, loquacious seal Called Hoover, after each meal, 257 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:51,151 Having vacuumed the fish Right out of the dish, 258 00:14:51,190 --> 00:14:55,561 Would jabber and babble, Blabber and gabble 259 00:14:55,600 --> 00:15:00,120 - Chatter and prattle and spiel." - Hey, very good! Thank you. Oh. 260 00:15:00,130 --> 00:15:04,941 Our resident poet, Mr Roger McGough, thank you very much indeed. The Hoover poem. 261 00:15:04,980 --> 00:15:09,771 All this talk of crime brings us to the short, sharp shock that we call General Ignorance. 262 00:15:09,810 --> 00:15:14,281 So, fingers on your hand cranking buzzers and bells please, 263 00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:20,000 and what are the four main religions of... 264 00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:26,401 What are the four main religions of India? 265 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:29,651 - Yes, Alan! - Sikhs. 266 00:15:29,690 --> 00:15:31,741 Yep. 267 00:15:31,780 --> 00:15:34,581 Buddhism. 268 00:15:34,620 --> 00:15:36,161 - Oh, no, it's not one of them. - Hinduism. 269 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:37,941 Hinduism, yes. 270 00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:40,221 - Christianity. - Yes, and one more. 271 00:15:40,260 --> 00:15:41,330 - You've only said... - Islam. 272 00:15:41,369 --> 00:15:43,391 - Muslim. Islam. - Islam, yes. 273 00:15:43,430 --> 00:15:48,041 In correct order, they are Hindu, Islam, Christian, and Sikh. 274 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:51,211 - No Buddhists in India? - There are Buddhists; it was invented in India, of course. 275 00:15:51,250 --> 00:15:54,691 The Buddha was an Indian. But it's not one of the four main religions. 276 00:15:54,730 --> 00:15:58,451 There are 805,000,000 Hindus. 277 00:15:58,490 --> 00:16:03,031 There are 134,000,000 Muslims. 278 00:16:03,070 --> 00:16:08,361 There are 23,000,000 Christians. 279 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:11,621 That's 22 and a half million more than there are in Britain. 280 00:16:11,660 --> 00:16:14,531 And there are 19,000,000 Sikhs. 281 00:16:14,570 --> 00:16:17,231 Buddhists.. There are 7,000,000 of them, 282 00:16:17,270 --> 00:16:21,051 0.7 percent of the population. Although Buddhism was founded in India, 283 00:16:21,090 --> 00:16:24,051 its spiritual home today is, of course, Tibet. 284 00:16:24,090 --> 00:16:27,262 And the taking of life is forbidden in Buddhism. 285 00:16:27,301 --> 00:16:31,981 Tibetan butchers, therefore, are ranked amongst the lowest of the low, 286 00:16:32,020 --> 00:16:34,621 along with undertakers and blacksmiths, oddly enough. 287 00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:38,571 But whose job is it in Tibet to milk the yaks? 288 00:16:38,610 --> 00:16:39,961 - I know who cleans the hooves. - Who's that? 289 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:43,091 - Yaksmiths. - "Yaksmiths"! Yaksmiths. 290 00:16:43,130 --> 00:16:46,321 The milkman. Is there a milkman has to milk these... 291 00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:49,681 Oh, no, there is no milkman. 292 00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:51,201 Do they have milk? Is it nice? 293 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:53,981 Tibet smells of butter, they say. There's butter everywhere. 294 00:16:54,020 --> 00:16:57,571 The trick part of it is is that the yak is the male of the species. 295 00:16:57,610 --> 00:16:59,321 So nobody milks a yak. 296 00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:02,291 - What's the female called? - The nak, oddly enough. - The nak? 297 00:17:02,330 --> 00:17:07,211 - A nak or a dri. - One of the things I really remember about Tibet and about yaks, too, 298 00:17:07,250 --> 00:17:09,011 They make sculptures, apparently. 299 00:17:09,050 --> 00:17:10,721 - They do, religious. Yeah. - It's every year there's a festival 300 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:13,001 of these sculptures made out of butter milk. 301 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:17,211 And there's apparently a guy... In the 20s, there's a famous surrealist Buddhist sculpture. 302 00:17:17,250 --> 00:17:19,471 He actually made a yak out of butter milk 303 00:17:19,510 --> 00:17:21,101 which he was able to milk, 304 00:17:21,140 --> 00:17:26,221 and made another even larger. 305 00:17:26,260 --> 00:17:30,141 - How tall is a wild yak? - I think enormous. 306 00:17:30,180 --> 00:17:33,181 - Yeah, I'm... I'm going six feet. - Yes. - Six five. My height, in fact. Yeah. 307 00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:35,781 Yeah, I'm going to say four foot. 308 00:17:35,820 --> 00:17:38,041 Well, that would be a domesticated yak. 309 00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:41,611 I'm going to say nine, maybe ten foot. 310 00:17:41,650 --> 00:17:44,491 I've already told you that it's six foot five. 311 00:17:44,530 --> 00:17:49,241 I think it's about fifteen foot. 312 00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:52,001 I'm so glad I was never your teacher, I really am. 313 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:55,901 - But, yeah, you're right... - Twenty foot, sir! 314 00:17:55,940 --> 00:18:00,901 Aside from their meat, and all their milk products, particularly the yoghurt and the butter and the cheese, 315 00:18:00,940 --> 00:18:04,531 they have the longest hair of any animal, the yak. It gets up to two foot long 316 00:18:04,570 --> 00:18:06,441 - and it was used for, in the 17th century? - Wigs. 317 00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:10,411 - Wigs, your periwig. Your Charles II style wig. - Is this the, er... 318 00:18:10,450 --> 00:18:15,531 And in fact, the BBC wig store, we checked, still has quite a large number of yak wigs. 319 00:18:15,570 --> 00:18:17,731 And if you're going to play Santa at Christmas, 320 00:18:17,770 --> 00:18:20,511 then the chances are your beard will be yak. 321 00:18:20,550 --> 00:18:23,021 Couldn't we introduce the yak to Britain? 322 00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:27,731 I don't see why not. I mean, they are rather specialised for the altitudes in Tibet. 323 00:18:27,770 --> 00:18:33,391 If you introduced them to Britain, they'd blow up to a huge incredible size. 324 00:18:33,430 --> 00:18:35,961 Why not? 325 00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:40,051 Or we could have yaks dangling from balloons. 326 00:18:40,090 --> 00:18:45,101 The altitude would be right. 327 00:18:45,140 --> 00:18:48,681 - Fantastic. - You could. - I love the idea. 328 00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:54,881 Have a hot air balloon? "Come up to see the yak fields." 329 00:18:54,920 --> 00:19:03,051 Five thousand feet up. And they still graze. On what? Air. 330 00:19:03,090 --> 00:19:04,922 They'd have to be up there, because their blood cells are half the size, 331 00:19:04,961 --> 00:19:06,541 but they have twice as many. 332 00:19:06,580 --> 00:19:11,981 So actually, when they came down to sea level, they'd be immensely powerful. 333 00:19:12,020 --> 00:19:17,451 - Like Terence Stamp in Superman II. - Very much like that. 334 00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:21,201 Yeah. "Kneel before Zod." 335 00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:30,741 - Yeah! - There we are. Let's move from yaks, now, to crabs. How many legs do crabs have? 336 00:19:30,780 --> 00:19:32,401 - I know. - Yes! He's... - Eight. 337 00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:37,331 Eight, you've got eight there... and I'm afraid that's a forfeit. 338 00:19:37,370 --> 00:19:42,401 They've, of course, got ten, and their snippers. 339 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:44,451 Well, the answer is ten. You're right. 340 00:19:44,490 --> 00:19:47,341 The front ones are tucked-in, as you can see, but they do count as legs. 341 00:19:47,380 --> 00:19:50,091 No, they don't. 342 00:19:51,130 --> 00:19:54,421 What animal has legs that don't reach the floor? 343 00:19:54,460 --> 00:19:56,361 - They do walk with them. - What sort of legs are they? 344 00:19:56,400 --> 00:20:00,121 They are functioning legs. They do walk with them: sideways, backwards, forwards. 345 00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:03,371 - I do have a children's poem if I can remember it... - Oh, go on, yeah. 346 00:20:03,410 --> 00:20:07,141 "A crab, I'm told, will not bite, Or poison you just for spite; 347 00:20:07,180 --> 00:20:10,901 Won't lie in wait beneath a stone, Until one morning out alone, 348 00:20:10,940 --> 00:20:15,111 You poke a finger like a fool into an innocent looking pool. 349 00:20:15,150 --> 00:20:18,671 Won't grab your hand And drag you off across the sand 350 00:20:18,710 --> 00:20:22,261 Down into the bottom of the sea To eat you dressed for Sunday tea. 351 00:20:22,300 --> 00:20:28,661 The crab I'm told is a bundle of fun With claws like that, pull the other one!" 352 00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:37,091 They're not legs. 353 00:20:37,130 --> 00:20:39,881 They're its arms. 354 00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:44,841 Of course, if you'd said six, you could have been right, 'cause the crab louse has six. 355 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:47,061 - Yeah. - Six. 356 00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:49,491 - Well done! What are you thinking of? - A crab louse. 357 00:20:49,530 --> 00:20:50,841 A crab louse. 358 00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:55,911 - And where do crab lice live? - In a crab louse house. 359 00:20:56,950 --> 00:21:00,251 Sorry, it's hanging around with Roger for an evening; it makes you rhyme things. 360 00:21:00,290 --> 00:21:03,781 Crab louse house. In your pubes, or in one's pubes. 361 00:21:03,820 --> 00:21:05,881 - Don't be disgusting. - They do! 362 00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:11,901 That's where you get crabs. Go into Boots and say "one's pubes are infested with crab lice. 363 00:21:11,940 --> 00:21:15,181 A bottle of Quellada lotion if you please." 364 00:21:15,220 --> 00:21:17,712 Is said crab louse related to that crab? 365 00:21:17,751 --> 00:21:22,151 No. They're called it because they latch on to the follicles of the pubes, 366 00:21:22,190 --> 00:21:25,141 or the eyebrow, or the eyelashes, even, and beards. 367 00:21:25,180 --> 00:21:27,751 Why are you looking at me? 368 00:21:27,790 --> 00:21:32,781 I have had crabs and I got them from a dodgy sofa. 369 00:21:33,820 --> 00:21:36,901 That's what she told me. 370 00:21:36,940 --> 00:21:40,571 I went to the doctor's and it was one of those traditional British doctors 371 00:21:40,610 --> 00:21:43,491 with a big bow tie? 372 00:21:43,530 --> 00:21:48,581 and he took his bifocals off and said, "Hmm..." 373 00:21:48,620 --> 00:21:57,100 He strapped on some binoculars and then he looked at my pubis very closely and went, "Hmm..." 374 00:21:57,101 --> 00:22:00,270 And I just creased up laughing. He said, "I'm afraid, Mr Moir, you're going to have to stop laughing; 375 00:22:00,271 --> 00:22:06,031 you're jiggling about and I can't focus on the crabs." 376 00:22:08,070 --> 00:22:13,201 Now, er, what did George Washington have to say about cherry trees? 377 00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:16,191 - No one wants to say the obvious. - What's the obvious? 378 00:22:16,230 --> 00:22:18,961 In his garden was a tree... - Yeah? 379 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:20,701 which he didn't chop down. 380 00:22:20,740 --> 00:22:23,381 Yes, you're avoiding our trap. There's a famous story every American knows 381 00:22:23,420 --> 00:22:26,561 about Washington saying, "Papa, I cannot tell a lie. 382 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:29,091 I cut down the cherry tree with my axe." 383 00:22:29,130 --> 00:22:30,942 And it's a completely made-up story, 384 00:22:30,981 --> 00:22:34,051 written for children by someone called Parson Weems, 385 00:22:34,090 --> 00:22:36,971 who tells this story to show what an honest fellow he was, 386 00:22:37,010 --> 00:22:41,441 that even as a six year-old child he said, "I cannot tell a lie." 387 00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:43,811 His father said something like, 388 00:22:43,850 --> 00:22:46,671 "My son, that you have told the truth means more to me than 389 00:22:46,710 --> 00:22:50,002 a thousand trees bathed in gold or silver," or something. 390 00:22:50,041 --> 00:22:52,111 This is brilliant. You get... must get points here. 391 00:22:52,150 --> 00:22:55,121 But I remember this just... when I was young, 'cause I really wanted someone to say that to me. 392 00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:57,261 You know, your dad: you broke his favourite cup, you know. 393 00:22:57,300 --> 00:22:58,751 "Who broke my cup?" 394 00:22:58,790 --> 00:23:01,801 "I did, dad." "You bloody", you know..." 395 00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:05,561 He never said, "Run to my arms, you dearest boy, 396 00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:09,211 run to my arms. Glad am I, George, that you killed my tree, 397 00:23:09,250 --> 00:23:11,381 for you have paid me for a thousandfold. 398 00:23:11,420 --> 00:23:14,901 Such an act of heroism in my son is worth more than a thousand trees, 399 00:23:14,940 --> 00:23:18,991 though blossomed with silver and their fruits of purest gold." 400 00:23:19,030 --> 00:23:20,412 - As if. - Ah. And then he said, "Brilliant. 401 00:23:20,451 --> 00:23:24,331 Can I watch CBeebies now?" 402 00:23:24,370 --> 00:23:29,061 Next. What would you call these people? 403 00:23:29,100 --> 00:23:31,971 - Yes. - Beefeaters. 404 00:23:32,010 --> 00:23:33,791 - Oh! No. - Yes, they are. 405 00:23:33,830 --> 00:23:36,181 No. 406 00:23:36,220 --> 00:23:38,261 - Yeoman of the Guard - Yeoman of the Guard. 407 00:23:38,300 --> 00:23:41,101 Yeoman of the Guard. Well, I know they're that... but that's what people call them. "Beefeaters." 408 00:23:41,140 --> 00:23:43,671 No, these are Yeoman of the Guard and those are Beefeaters. 409 00:23:43,710 --> 00:23:48,661 - Different uniform. - Oh, yeah, isn't it! 410 00:23:48,700 --> 00:23:51,861 Well, to me, Aston Villa and West Ham have the same uniform. 411 00:23:51,900 --> 00:23:56,091 No, that's the Yeoman of the Guard, er, away kit. 412 00:23:56,130 --> 00:23:58,682 Just so you get it clear, the ones with the straps are the Yeoman of the Guard, 413 00:23:58,721 --> 00:24:00,941 and the ones without the straps are the Beefeaters. 414 00:24:00,980 --> 00:24:05,191 They are the Yeoman Wardens, the ones who would have looked after Ronnie and Reggie, no doubt. 415 00:24:05,230 --> 00:24:07,361 And if we can go back to look at the Yeoman of the Guard. 416 00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:11,551 They have the arquebus strap for their guns, the actual Yeoman of the Guard. 417 00:24:11,590 --> 00:24:15,011 Are they allowed to go to Spec Savers, or should they all be...? 418 00:24:15,050 --> 00:24:20,752 So, yes, the Yeoman Warders, who, er, never carried guns, have a slightly different strapping arrangement in their uniforms, 419 00:24:20,791 --> 00:24:23,261 and they're the jailers of the Tower of London. 420 00:24:23,300 --> 00:24:26,591 Speaking of which: Brings us to our final challenge for you. 421 00:24:26,630 --> 00:24:28,881 You should have your four props, 422 00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:33,681 and I want to see if you've worked out how you could use them for escaping from jail. 423 00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:35,701 That's a green felt tip pen. 424 00:24:35,740 --> 00:24:40,791 It was used for an escape by someone called Steven Russell, from the Estelle Unit in Houston, Texas. 425 00:24:40,830 --> 00:24:43,297 - Did he colour himself green... - Yes! 426 00:24:43,336 --> 00:24:46,821 and pose as a leaf? 427 00:24:46,860 --> 00:24:49,171 You were nearly there. He wore a white jump suit. 428 00:24:49,210 --> 00:24:52,151 And he painted it green so he looked like one of the prison guards. 429 00:24:52,190 --> 00:24:55,121 One of the doctors... and he escaped as a doctor. 430 00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:56,461 He just walked out the door. 431 00:24:56,500 --> 00:24:58,001 What have you got there, Roger? What's that? 432 00:24:58,040 --> 00:25:00,241 Dental floss. 433 00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:03,761 This was Vincenzo Curcio, a Mafioso. 434 00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:07,081 And this was only in the year 2000, quite recently, in Turin. 435 00:25:07,120 --> 00:25:11,101 He was guilty of murder and arranging seven other murders, so he was serious criminal. 436 00:25:11,140 --> 00:25:13,561 How did he escape using only dental floss? 437 00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:18,481 You get your dental floss, hang it round the bars and leave it dangling. 438 00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:20,452 Then you get your potato 439 00:25:20,491 --> 00:25:24,986 and you break it up and you stick it on the floor in front of the door 440 00:25:25,025 --> 00:25:30,711 - Yes... - and then you put spots all over yourself with the green. - Yeah. 441 00:25:30,750 --> 00:25:35,001 Make plague noises. And when the warder runs in, 442 00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:39,011 opens the door... Of course, he slips, careers across the cell floor; 443 00:25:39,050 --> 00:25:42,021 get your chili powder, throw it in his eyes, 444 00:25:42,060 --> 00:25:45,791 and then in the confusion, get the end of the dental floss 445 00:25:45,830 --> 00:25:48,491 - and tie it to the inside of the door. - Right. 446 00:25:48,530 --> 00:25:51,641 So when he gets up screaming, saying, "You bastard, I'll have you!", runs out, 447 00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:58,801 runs out, slams the door behind him. The bars come off, and you get away! 448 00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:00,711 Fantastic! 449 00:26:00,750 --> 00:26:04,231 Brilliant. You've used all four props for one escape. 450 00:26:04,270 --> 00:26:06,461 But let's just keep with the floss. 451 00:26:06,500 --> 00:26:09,841 This man, Vincenzo Curcio, this Mafioso: 452 00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:13,391 he flossed the bars 453 00:26:13,430 --> 00:26:14,941 and it sawed through them, 454 00:26:14,980 --> 00:26:16,531 that's how strong the floss was. 455 00:26:16,570 --> 00:26:19,881 And these particular iron bars were very good at withstanding explosions, 456 00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:23,981 but not good at withstanding dental floss. 457 00:26:24,020 --> 00:26:26,131 What about the chili powder? 458 00:26:26,170 --> 00:26:30,821 - Well, I think the throwing it in someone's eyes is a good one. - Is exactly right. It happened in Pakistan in 1997. 459 00:26:30,860 --> 00:26:35,041 Five prisoners escaped by throwing chili powder in the eyes of a prison officer. 460 00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:37,811 - That would hurt. - Er, so that leaves us the potato. 461 00:26:37,850 --> 00:26:43,081 Is it like in Escape from Alcatraz, where you just draw a picture on it and it looks like your head 462 00:26:43,120 --> 00:26:46,151 and you leave it in the bed? 463 00:26:46,190 --> 00:26:49,741 Well, not far off. Have you ever seen a film called Take the Money and Run? 464 00:26:49,780 --> 00:26:51,191 - Yeah. - The wonderful Woody Allen film? 465 00:26:51,230 --> 00:26:53,051 And he does something with soap, do you remember? 466 00:26:53,090 --> 00:26:54,811 It'd make a gun, the shape of a gun. With black... 467 00:26:54,850 --> 00:26:58,171 What Woody Allen does is he carves a gun out of soap, 468 00:26:58,210 --> 00:27:01,841 and then blacks it with boot black, so it looks just like a pistol, 469 00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:04,392 and then he holds up the prison officer, and they go out across the courtyard, 470 00:27:04,431 --> 00:27:09,291 and it's raining, and when you cut to the wide shot, there's this great ball of lather 471 00:27:09,330 --> 00:27:12,477 and he's led back into the prison. But he was basing it on the true story 472 00:27:12,516 --> 00:27:15,031 of one of the most famous criminals in the twentieth century in America. 473 00:27:15,070 --> 00:27:16,961 - Derringer. - Dillinger. Dillinger. 474 00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:21,431 Dillinger. Dillinger, John Dillinger, carved his potato into the shape of a gun 475 00:27:21,470 --> 00:27:23,871 - and got away with it. - But a very small gun. - Yes. 476 00:27:23,910 --> 00:27:26,951 - If you had to carve one out of that. - It may have been a bigger potato. 477 00:27:26,990 --> 00:27:29,241 It would be pathetic. 478 00:27:29,280 --> 00:27:32,661 Which brings us to the small matter of the scores, ladies and gentlemen. 479 00:27:32,700 --> 00:27:37,221 In equal first place, with time off for good behaviour, remission and patrol, 480 00:27:37,260 --> 00:27:40,911 Vic and Roger are on one point. 481 00:27:40,950 --> 00:27:44,601 One? 482 00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:49,131 In third place, just over the wall, 483 00:27:49,170 --> 00:27:55,421 Mark Steel on minus six! 484 00:27:55,460 --> 00:27:58,771 But banged up in solitary tonight, 485 00:27:58,810 --> 00:28:02,981 it's Alan on minus thirty-nine! 486 00:28:11,020 --> 00:28:13,891 And my thanks go to Roger, Vic, Mark, and Alan. 487 00:28:13,930 --> 00:28:17,641 I leave you with a famous denial. When the American President, Thomas Jefferson, 488 00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:22,351 was asked if he was having an affair with one of his slaves, Sally Hemmings, 489 00:28:22,390 --> 00:28:25,771 he replied, "The man who fears no truth 490 00:28:25,810 --> 00:28:28,001 has nothing to fear from lies." 491 00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:31,901 DNA recently, on Sally's descendants, has shown 492 00:28:31,940 --> 00:28:36,061 that this meant "Yes." Good night. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net