1 00:00:33,020 --> 00:00:36,620 Good evening. Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening 2 00:00:36,650 --> 00:00:41,750 and welcome to QI, the home... the home from home of the discerning couch potato. 3 00:00:41,780 --> 00:00:47,000 Plumping my cushions tonight are Phill Jupitus, 4 00:00:47,650 --> 00:00:50,110 Jo Brand, 5 00:00:51,140 --> 00:00:54,180 Jessica Stevenson 6 00:00:55,210 --> 00:01:01,000 and TV's mop-top, Alan Davies. 7 00:01:03,660 --> 00:01:07,580 Now, tonight's edition is all about domesticity: 8 00:01:07,610 --> 00:01:12,060 dry-cleaning, dishwashers, dust-busters, dirt-devils, detergent, 9 00:01:12,090 --> 00:01:16,840 door hinges and the like, and we have familiar domestic noises to match. 10 00:01:16,870 --> 00:01:19,870 Jo goes: 11 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:25,440 Phill goes: 12 00:01:27,950 --> 00:01:30,950 Jessica goes: 13 00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:36,270 - Oh, I know that. That's a Pifco Trismatic 17. - Yep. 14 00:01:36,300 --> 00:01:43,000 - And Alan goes: - Oh, good. 15 00:01:46,850 --> 00:01:50,740 So all genders are comfortably assigned their tasks. 16 00:01:50,770 --> 00:01:54,750 Tell me something interesting now about dry cleaning. 17 00:01:54,780 --> 00:01:59,090 They put your clothes on a radiator and then they fold them. 18 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:00,360 Well, now, that's interesting, 19 00:02:00,390 --> 00:02:03,830 because you're saying dry cleaning is therefore well named? 20 00:02:03,860 --> 00:02:07,280 - Yeah. Well, there's steam. Is there steam involved? - Not steam, no. 21 00:02:07,310 --> 00:02:09,890 But it's a wet clean. It's just not water. 22 00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:11,310 - Some sort of chemicals. - It's a chemical solvent. 23 00:02:11,340 --> 00:02:13,900 A perchloroephylene, known as "perc". 24 00:02:13,930 --> 00:02:16,730 Dry cleaning's actually something spies do, isn't it? 25 00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:21,031 The sort of procedures they go through to try and find out whether they're being followed or not. 26 00:02:21,061 --> 00:02:24,100 Oh, give the young lady-girl some points! Absolutely right, yes. 27 00:02:24,130 --> 00:02:29,361 They do sudden u-turns when they're driving and they dip into shops and go out the back exits and so on. 28 00:02:29,391 --> 00:02:31,556 Check whether an umbrella's just about to go up their arse. 29 00:02:31,586 --> 00:02:35,370 That kind of thing. Exactly. And they call it "dry cleaning" for some reason. 30 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:38,860 So while we're on the subject of dry cleaning materials, 31 00:02:38,890 --> 00:02:43,136 er, what use did Ray Davis have for one hundred thousand gallons 32 00:02:43,166 --> 00:02:48,800 of dry cleaning fluid in 1964? 33 00:02:48,830 --> 00:02:52,960 Had The Kinks ran out of crack? 34 00:02:52,990 --> 00:02:58,300 Not that, I don't think. I don't think crack had been invented in 1964, but there is Ray. 35 00:02:58,330 --> 00:03:01,850 - You're no relation, are you? - No relation that I know of. - No. 36 00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:05,760 Did he have a dry cleaning shop? 37 00:03:05,790 --> 00:03:07,810 We put up a picture of Ray Davies because you mentioned The Kinks, 38 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:10,860 but this particular Ray Davis was a physicist, 39 00:03:10,890 --> 00:03:15,520 and he wanted to find out how many neutrinos were being beamed out of the sun, 40 00:03:15,550 --> 00:03:18,530 and so he had this huge pit dug in Leadville. 41 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:20,560 There he is. 42 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:24,970 - Oh! Ray Davis! - Yeah! You see? - Ohh, right. Whoof. 43 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:29,280 He's rather daringly known as Ray Davis Junior, actually, but... 44 00:03:29,310 --> 00:03:32,810 And he had all this done, fifty-thousand feet, nearly, underground, 45 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:35,230 because neutrinos are weird things that go through everything. 46 00:03:35,260 --> 00:03:37,820 There are millions literally going through your body now, all the time. 47 00:03:37,850 --> 00:03:42,060 They have no mass. They'll go through light-years' thickness of lead 48 00:03:42,090 --> 00:03:43,540 just like that, without leaving a trace. 49 00:03:43,570 --> 00:03:46,770 So this Mr Davis here, as we have a panel of ladies tonight for a change, Stephen, 50 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:51,420 erm: Hot or not? 51 00:03:51,450 --> 00:03:54,010 - What do you reckon? Would you? - I think he is hot. 52 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:58,500 - Waiting under the sun to catch neutrinos. - Er, yeah, and after a few pints of dry cleaning fluid I'd go with him. 53 00:03:58,530 --> 00:04:03,569 - Would you have a crack at him? Would you? - I'd wave my crack at him. - Wave your crack at him. 54 00:04:03,570 --> 00:04:05,379 Can you do that with cracks? I don't think you can, can you? 55 00:04:05,380 --> 00:04:10,040 You can if you've got a specially designed trolley. 56 00:04:10,070 --> 00:04:14,260 Well, the reason he had this dry cleaning fluid is there's lots of chlorine in perchloroethylene, 57 00:04:14,290 --> 00:04:17,605 and one neutrino will change it to one atom of argon 58 00:04:17,635 --> 00:04:19,530 and so you can know how many neutrinos have hit it, 59 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:23,060 and then you know how much neutrino activity is coming from the sun. 60 00:04:23,090 --> 00:04:27,460 Is this... Every time you talk like this, can a physicist do a shot? 61 00:04:27,490 --> 00:04:29,920 Is this some kind of bizarre physics drinking game? 62 00:04:29,950 --> 00:04:33,371 Well, it is.. No, it's at the very basis of all our understanding of the universe 63 00:04:33,401 --> 00:04:37,390 - is to try and understand the neutrino - So what happens to the... When the... When the... So is... It... 64 00:04:37,420 --> 00:04:39,450 I know! 65 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:43,590 - Just run it by me again, just... I'm really... - You've got neutrinos, - Yeah. 66 00:04:43,620 --> 00:04:47,400 - streaming, solar neutrinos streaming from the sun - Right, solar neutrinos . 67 00:04:47,430 --> 00:04:49,641 - Billions and billions and billions a second. - But if neutrinos are everywhere, how do you distinguish 68 00:04:49,671 --> 00:04:52,820 between solar neutrinos and any other neutrinos? I'm sorry, I just... 69 00:04:52,850 --> 00:04:54,035 You know, you're so right. 70 00:04:54,065 --> 00:04:58,150 - They are essentially invented to make the mathematics of modern physics work. - Right. 71 00:04:58,180 --> 00:05:00,601 Some people believe they really are the secrets of the entire universe. 72 00:05:00,631 --> 00:05:04,010 I am finding this absolutely fascinating, but if we could have the picture of Ray up again, 73 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:07,710 I think the most extraordinary thing: a bloke in Marigolds. 74 00:05:07,740 --> 00:05:10,180 I think that... 75 00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:13,840 He's only got yellow because probably Mrs Davis got them. 76 00:05:13,870 --> 00:05:16,540 "I got your new work gloves, Ray! 77 00:05:16,570 --> 00:05:19,710 Are the neutrinos going through me now?" 78 00:05:19,740 --> 00:05:21,740 "Yes, dear." 79 00:05:22,550 --> 00:05:24,550 "I can never feel 'em!" 80 00:05:25,050 --> 00:05:27,650 What did he do with all the dry cleaning fluid afterwards? Did he... 81 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,220 - Did he then open a dry cleaning shop? - It's a very good point because it's... 82 00:05:30,250 --> 00:05:32,060 - it's hazardous waste. - Chuck it in a river. 83 00:05:32,090 --> 00:05:33,980 Probably! 84 00:05:34,010 --> 00:05:37,610 - Yeah! Just get rid of it! - It's... it's deep down in the ground. It's probably still there in Leadville. 85 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:40,200 Leadville, South Dakota rather than Leadville, Colorado, I believe. 86 00:05:40,230 --> 00:05:42,850 - Oh, he's American, is he? - Ah, yeah, you see. 87 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:45,660 - He doesn't look American. - I know what you mean. 88 00:05:45,690 --> 00:05:50,240 - He looks sort of like Stanley Unwin. - He looks like he's in a shed in Gloucestershire. 89 00:05:50,270 --> 00:05:54,220 He's not a "Howdy!", is he "Howard"? 90 00:05:54,250 --> 00:05:55,930 He's a "Hello! I'm Ray!" 91 00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:59,410 But he has one thing that he is... in the Guinness Book of Records... 92 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:03,000 - The biggest penis in physics! - Oh, dear. 93 00:06:03,060 --> 00:06:06,260 No. He was the oldest ever 94 00:06:06,290 --> 00:06:07,870 winner of the Nobel Prize. 95 00:06:07,900 --> 00:06:09,750 - 88 years old, he won the Nobel Prize. - Really? 96 00:06:09,780 --> 00:06:13,210 I think he is related to me, actually. 97 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:17,530 - Aha, you see, you cherry. - Yeah, the Nobel Prize winner, I've heard of him at Christmas. 98 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:22,200 "Your cousin Ray won a Nobel Prize. 99 00:06:24,230 --> 00:06:26,280 Are you busy? 100 00:06:26,310 --> 00:06:29,340 Of course you're not." 101 00:06:29,370 --> 00:06:31,740 A little more domestic science now, I think. 102 00:06:31,770 --> 00:06:37,340 What was the propulsion system used for the very first vaccuum cleaner? 103 00:06:37,370 --> 00:06:41,230 - Oh! My dear Phill. - Mr Kingdom Brunel, I believe, er, 104 00:06:41,260 --> 00:06:47,220 fashioned a ninety-five tonne steam-powered hoover... 105 00:06:47,250 --> 00:06:50,380 that sucked his entire house into it, erm... 106 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:55,040 which is why, when you see those photos of him by the big chains, he looks so grumpy. 107 00:06:55,070 --> 00:06:59,870 'Cause he has to get the bag every night to go to bed. 108 00:06:59,900 --> 00:07:05,190 Well... Where do you think... I'll turn to the girls because you'll know far more about vaccuum cleaners. 109 00:07:05,220 --> 00:07:09,420 Aah! I'm joking, of course, it's post-ironic something or other. 110 00:07:09,450 --> 00:07:11,960 - Which country do you think first saw it? - I think it was in England. 111 00:07:11,990 --> 00:07:16,760 - It was! Correct. - and I... I think it was, erm, like a couple of really energetic hamsters 112 00:07:16,790 --> 00:07:19,220 sort of running round on a wheel. 113 00:07:19,250 --> 00:07:21,490 - Well... - Someone thrashed them. 114 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:24,520 They were horse drawn. The horses weren't actually powering the vacuum. 115 00:07:24,550 --> 00:07:27,050 - Horse drawn hoover?! - The first one was a horse drawn hoover. 116 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,930 - Why would that be, would you imagine? - Is it farming related? 117 00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:32,900 Not farming related. It was simply that they were so vast. 118 00:07:32,930 --> 00:07:34,980 They wouldn't sell an individual one to a house. 119 00:07:35,010 --> 00:07:37,580 It was a cleaning service done from the street. 120 00:07:37,610 --> 00:07:39,890 Obviously, the hoses went in through the window, 121 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:41,691 and the clever thing was he had transparent tubes, 122 00:07:41,721 --> 00:07:47,630 so everybody would gather around and watch the dust being sucked in and go "ooh" and "aah" and "hoorah!" 123 00:07:47,660 --> 00:07:49,330 - Do you do hoovering? - Do you hoover? 124 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:50,710 - Do you hoover, do you hoover? - No. 125 00:07:50,740 --> 00:07:52,820 - Brenda vacuums in my house. - Brenda. 126 00:07:52,850 --> 00:07:57,880 - She... She's your... - Whilst listening to the soundtrack of "Mamma Mia" on an iPod. 127 00:07:57,910 --> 00:08:02,510 - Wearing nothing but frilly panties? - She's fifty-nine! 128 00:08:03,540 --> 00:08:06,240 - I have a quotation for you here, specifically for you Jo. - Oh! Just for... 129 00:08:06,270 --> 00:08:09,730 How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes and clean your house? 130 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:13,880 Oh, because bubonic plague has broken out? 131 00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:15,750 This is a quotation from a dictionary of comic quotations 132 00:08:15,780 --> 00:08:19,270 and the author of the quotation is one Jo Brand. 133 00:08:19,300 --> 00:08:22,700 Oh, that one! She's crap! 134 00:08:22,730 --> 00:08:32,310 The answer is, "Look inside your pants. If you find a penis in there, it's not time." There you are! 135 00:08:34,340 --> 00:08:37,800 I think that's my grandmother, Mrs Jo Brand. 136 00:08:37,830 --> 00:08:40,790 She's always saying things like that. 137 00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:43,560 Anyway, there's your vacuuming. Hubert Cecil Booth. 138 00:08:43,590 --> 00:08:46,890 1903, he invented it. He was from Gloucestershire. 139 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:49,480 But from housework, I think, to homework. 140 00:08:49,510 --> 00:08:53,860 Complete the following sentence using the appropriate adverb. 141 00:08:53,890 --> 00:08:57,860 - That's the word that usually ends in "l-y". - Oh, right. 142 00:08:57,890 --> 00:09:01,340 "So, er, the first practical dishwasher was invented to wash dishes more..." 143 00:09:01,370 --> 00:09:05,000 - Quickly! - Quickly? Oh dear, no! 144 00:09:05,030 --> 00:09:05,850 Thoroughly. 145 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:07,740 Nor thoroughly. 146 00:09:07,770 --> 00:09:11,950 - Cleanly! - Oh, dearie me! 147 00:09:11,980 --> 00:09:14,400 You're piling them up now! 148 00:09:14,430 --> 00:09:17,411 - You're doing well on the adverbs - Yes, I've used several adverbs. 149 00:09:17,441 --> 00:09:19,120 but it's neither quickly or cleanly. 150 00:09:19,150 --> 00:09:22,590 More... often than women can be arsed to. 151 00:09:22,620 --> 00:09:24,970 - Daily! - Not... 152 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:26,920 See what I did there? 153 00:09:26,950 --> 00:09:30,430 - Not more daily, no. - More steamily! 154 00:09:30,460 --> 00:09:32,350 - Soundly. - Slowly. 155 00:09:32,380 --> 00:09:36,430 - Not more slowly, but... - Fastly! 156 00:09:36,460 --> 00:09:39,420 - Safely! - Safely is the right answer! 157 00:09:39,450 --> 00:09:42,070 - Well done! - Well done, Jessica. 158 00:09:42,100 --> 00:09:44,100 Excellent. 159 00:09:45,530 --> 00:09:47,800 Yeah. The inventer was an American woman, 160 00:09:47,830 --> 00:09:50,310 and she was very rich, so she didn't need to wash her dishes herself, 161 00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:55,470 - so it wasn't done as a labour... - Mrs Hotpoint? 162 00:09:55,500 --> 00:09:58,220 Not Mrs... Her name was Cochrane, erm ... 163 00:09:58,250 --> 00:10:01,000 - Whoa, mama! - Jo... 164 00:10:01,030 --> 00:10:04,640 - Ah, you thought Raymond Davis was foxy! - Yeah! 165 00:10:04,670 --> 00:10:06,870 She was from a quite grand family. 166 00:10:06,900 --> 00:10:10,860 Her great great grandfather John "Crazy" Fitch invented the steamboat. 167 00:10:10,890 --> 00:10:14,560 'Cause he said "I'm gonna get this boat. It's gonna have steam driving the wheels, and 168 00:10:14,590 --> 00:10:17,200 "You cra-zay, John! 169 00:10:17,230 --> 00:10:19,100 You cra-zay!" 170 00:10:19,130 --> 00:10:22,920 - It just sort of stuck. - "Just watch me!" 171 00:10:22,950 --> 00:10:25,331 Yeah. But she had seventeenth-century porcelain, of which she was very fond, 172 00:10:25,361 --> 00:10:28,510 and her servants were forever chipping it as they washed up, 173 00:10:28,540 --> 00:10:31,300 and one night she actually dismissed them for the evening, 174 00:10:31,330 --> 00:10:34,610 and said, "I'm gonna wash up and show you how it can be done without chipping," 175 00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:35,960 and she found she was chipping things. 176 00:10:35,990 --> 00:10:38,030 So she said, "I need to invent a machine 177 00:10:38,060 --> 00:10:39,850 that will wash without chipping", 178 00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:43,980 so the idea of the racks to put them all in separately so they never knock against each other 179 00:10:44,010 --> 00:10:47,350 and it was a huge success and when her husband died in 1883, 180 00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:50,060 leaving her virtually penniless, she actually needed it. 181 00:10:50,090 --> 00:10:55,260 She built a small one and a big one, and a big one could do two-hundred dishes in two minutes. 182 00:10:55,290 --> 00:10:56,760 And dry them. 183 00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:59,851 It cost $250, which was a huge amount then. 184 00:10:59,881 --> 00:11:01,530 We're talking about the 1880s. 185 00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:04,280 It was really hotels and big institutions that bought them, 186 00:11:04,310 --> 00:11:07,590 but it won first prize at the World's Fair in Chicago in 1893. 187 00:11:07,620 --> 00:11:10,060 Is that her there? 188 00:11:10,090 --> 00:11:13,700 That's the wonderful World's Fair of Chicago, which was a great event in its own. 189 00:11:13,730 --> 00:11:17,040 They had the world's first Ferris Wheel, designed by George...? 190 00:11:17,070 --> 00:11:19,070 Clooney. 191 00:11:20,470 --> 00:11:22,470 ... and Mildred! 192 00:11:22,820 --> 00:11:25,660 - George Ferris! - Well done, you see, 193 00:11:25,690 --> 00:11:29,260 you've made up for a little bit of embarrassment early on. But there we are. 194 00:11:29,290 --> 00:11:33,250 In the words of Erma Bombeck, "Housework can be fatal, 195 00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:34,740 if you do it right". 196 00:11:34,770 --> 00:11:38,810 In Britain, the odds of being killed in an accident in your home 197 00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:41,890 are the same as those of being killed in a car crash. 198 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:46,999 - In 2003, a woman in Scotland was killed in a freak dishwasher accident. - What happened? 199 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:51,870 - She slipped on the floor and fell onto a knife sticking out of the cutlery basket. - That's right. 200 00:11:51,900 --> 00:11:55,150 - Surely you put the knife in... - I've cut my palm doing that. -...point down, don't you? 201 00:11:55,180 --> 00:11:59,630 Well, sometimes you get a better clean on the blade if it's... if it's blade up. 202 00:11:59,660 --> 00:12:04,180 I clean my knives in a crossbow! 203 00:12:04,210 --> 00:12:06,720 Some people say it's foolish. 204 00:12:06,750 --> 00:12:09,260 I put them in the hoover and set it on "blow" 205 00:12:09,290 --> 00:12:11,910 and then just shoot water at them around the kitchen 206 00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:16,490 as I sit with a plug, bare-wired, at my feet, 207 00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:19,000 peeing on it! 208 00:12:19,030 --> 00:12:22,570 To give it a better clean! 209 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:29,380 What was the second commonest cause of death for women up to the year 1800? 210 00:12:29,410 --> 00:12:32,600 - Yes. - Er, kestrels. 211 00:12:32,630 --> 00:12:35,400 - Bit of a wild stab in the dark. - Childbirth. 212 00:12:35,430 --> 00:12:37,280 - Childbirth was number one. - Ooh, right. 213 00:12:37,310 --> 00:12:39,390 - Very good that you... - Was there... 214 00:12:39,420 --> 00:12:41,470 Was kestrels number two? 215 00:12:41,500 --> 00:12:44,331 - No! It was number two was the one I was asking for and I took that to be your answer the first time round. - Oh, sorry. 216 00:12:44,361 --> 00:12:50,870 Was it dehydration from having to lick the carpet clean 'cause hoovers hadn't been invented? 217 00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:53,150 Was... Was... Were these... Were these deaths at night? 218 00:12:53,180 --> 00:12:56,940 'Cause I could go with owls. 219 00:12:56,970 --> 00:12:59,480 - Let me say it's no kind of bird of prey. - Not even a swan? 220 00:12:59,510 --> 00:13:01,510 Not even... No. 221 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:06,350 Swans flying at women really hard, with stiff necks, 222 00:13:06,380 --> 00:13:09,000 'til they went through their bodies like a javelin! 223 00:13:09,030 --> 00:13:12,070 - No. It's a nice image... - Women lying all over the British countryside with swans... 224 00:13:12,100 --> 00:13:14,190 I know... no. No. 225 00:13:14,220 --> 00:13:17,791 - Was it horse-riding accidents? - No, that's, if I may say so a great deal more intelligent, 226 00:13:17,821 --> 00:13:22,610 - and I don't mean that in a patronising way! - Beaten to a pulp by their husbands. 227 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:25,520 Oh, hello! No, domestic violence is not it. 228 00:13:25,550 --> 00:13:28,590 - It was domestic, though. - Beaten to a pulp by their sons! 229 00:13:28,620 --> 00:13:31,020 - That would still be domestic violence. - Falling down the stairs? 230 00:13:31,050 --> 00:13:33,035 - Was it being ducked as a witch and drowning? - No. It was in trying to do something. 231 00:13:33,065 --> 00:13:37,350 - It was engaged in a domestic activity. - Cooking. - Cooking is the right answer, yes! 232 00:13:37,380 --> 00:13:41,295 - Death by cooking? - Yeah, largely because their dresses would catch fire. 233 00:13:41,325 --> 00:13:45,500 Don't know why that's funny, but it is. 234 00:13:45,940 --> 00:13:48,741 - Ah! The second most common cause of death?! - After childbirth, amongst ... 235 00:13:48,771 --> 00:13:52,930 "What happened to yours?" "Oh, set light to herself in the kitchen." 236 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:58,790 I bet a lot of their husbands came in and went "Blimey, that's a big roasty you've prepared today!" 237 00:13:58,820 --> 00:14:03,100 Well, a quick scoot 'round now some handy household hints that I want you to help me with. 238 00:14:03,130 --> 00:14:07,780 Jo, what's a good way to create the impression that you've cleaned the house when you haven't? 239 00:14:07,810 --> 00:14:11,500 Just lock the door and kill everyone. 240 00:14:11,750 --> 00:14:15,810 This is to create that awful word: "freshness". 241 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:18,630 - Open the window? - It... Well, you'd think, frankly... 242 00:14:18,660 --> 00:14:22,500 Drink some lavender water and have a piss? 243 00:14:22,750 --> 00:14:27,990 Every time you get a minicab home, nick the little tree off of its mirror. 244 00:14:28,020 --> 00:14:32,040 I'm no fan of this tip and it only works in the autumn and winter months. 245 00:14:32,070 --> 00:14:35,560 You spray or apply furniture polish to a radiator 246 00:14:35,590 --> 00:14:38,440 and it fills the room with the smell of furniture polish. 247 00:14:38,470 --> 00:14:43,440 These hints are either from a book called Trade Secrets by Katherine Lapworth and Alexandra Fraser, 248 00:14:43,470 --> 00:14:46,350 - or from Superhints by the Lady... - I know those two. - Do you know... 249 00:14:46,380 --> 00:14:49,200 They're slags, the pair of them. 250 00:14:49,230 --> 00:14:52,840 What do you know... There's a book called Superhints by the Lady Wardington. 251 00:14:52,870 --> 00:14:54,871 - Yeah, I know her. - Do you know the Lady Wardington? 252 00:14:54,901 --> 00:14:57,020 - She's a bitch. - Is she? 253 00:14:57,050 --> 00:15:00,180 - So, you know, let's get on to more practical publications. - All right. Okay, 254 00:15:00,210 --> 00:15:03,540 Jessica, we'll try this one. How would you treat silk 255 00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:06,400 - like spaghetti and vice-versa? - What... 256 00:15:06,430 --> 00:15:08,460 - Store it in a jar, or... - It's... 257 00:15:08,490 --> 00:15:11,610 - cook it with bolognese? - There's something you can do to each of them. 258 00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:14,890 Throw it against the wall; see if it sticks. 259 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:16,640 - Ah! But what sort of wall? - Kitchen. 260 00:15:16,670 --> 00:15:20,550 A kitchen wall. 261 00:15:20,580 --> 00:15:22,970 I take it round the house to find a wall. 262 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,690 "Can I come in?" 263 00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,000 "Mind if I come in?" 264 00:15:29,260 --> 00:15:32,260 "Your dinner's ready!" 265 00:15:37,060 --> 00:15:40,130 And where would we get silk? Why would you throw silk against a wall? 266 00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:43,700 - Well, in passion, you know, the... - Having a passionate fit, yes! 267 00:15:43,730 --> 00:15:45,700 You'd throw silk against a brick wall. 268 00:15:45,730 --> 00:15:47,451 - It would stick if it were... - If it was silk. 269 00:15:47,481 --> 00:15:52,470 - If it were silk, exactly. - It's a test to see if it's not polyester or crimpling or something. 270 00:15:52,500 --> 00:15:54,540 It's ruined then, once you peel it off again. 271 00:15:54,570 --> 00:15:58,430 Well it doesn't stick like spaghetti. It just catches, and you just pull it off. 272 00:15:58,460 --> 00:16:01,610 Took the paint off my kitchen wall with spaghetti. 273 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:05,260 Yes, but the silk wouldn't take anything off your brick wall, that's all vice-versa. 274 00:16:05,290 --> 00:16:08,090 Well, nonetheless, Brenda wouldn't chance it now. 275 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:12,100 If she saw any silk stuck on the wall, she'd leave it. 276 00:16:12,130 --> 00:16:17,640 - So, Phill. What would you clean with A) a stick of rhubarb, and ... - A dog's arse. Next. 277 00:16:17,670 --> 00:16:23,100 - A dog's arse, right. - Quite right. Get it right in there. 278 00:16:24,130 --> 00:16:27,271 - One use per stick of rhubarb? - I wouldn't be putting it in the crumble, 279 00:16:27,301 --> 00:16:30,800 if that's what you're asking! 280 00:16:30,830 --> 00:16:33,100 - Oh, no! Brown sauce is the next one. - Brown sauce? - Yes. 281 00:16:33,130 --> 00:16:35,690 - I'm bracing myself for the sirens but coins. - Yeah! 282 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:41,270 - Windows. - They would... They would clean... Windows, no. I don't think so. No windows. No. 283 00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:43,699 No, really, I mean coins was a good answer. I mean Copper. 284 00:16:43,700 --> 00:16:46,040 Copper and brass, yeah. 285 00:16:46,070 --> 00:16:49,830 But I don't want you to get all excited and think "My God, I've got two points for that", 286 00:16:49,860 --> 00:16:53,650 because actually, the rhubarb... sticking it up a dog's arse is not right. 287 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,060 Some people say aluminium saucepans come up lovely with rhubarb and certainly silver. 288 00:16:56,090 --> 00:16:59,150 - Silver does very well. - You clean silver with rhubarb? 289 00:16:59,180 --> 00:17:00,990 - Absolutely! - How do you do that? With a sort of stick? 290 00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:03,020 Yeah, you just rub it in like that and then you buff it off. 291 00:17:03,050 --> 00:17:07,190 Because if I walked into a room and saw a man rubbing rhubarb on my silver, 292 00:17:07,220 --> 00:17:09,950 I would beat him to within an inch of his life, 293 00:17:09,980 --> 00:17:12,000 and call the police! 294 00:17:12,030 --> 00:17:16,220 And then you walk in there and he's doing what you've recommended: "Morning!" 295 00:17:16,250 --> 00:17:19,370 The dog's in the other corner looking a bit nervous. 296 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:22,880 Well anyway, it seems to be true. These are good, ecologically sound things. 297 00:17:22,910 --> 00:17:26,730 We may have to return to the days when we used lemon and vinegar and brown sauce, and... 298 00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:30,240 I'd never get me coppers out me pocket and think, "They look a bit dull!" 299 00:17:30,270 --> 00:17:34,000 I... You're the ones who suggested coins! I was saying a kettle for example 300 00:17:34,030 --> 00:17:37,150 - or any other... - No one has a kettle like that! 301 00:17:37,180 --> 00:17:38,490 Where do you plug in that... Look at it! 302 00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:43,830 We don't all live in a fluffy-duffy Dickensian world of charm like you! 303 00:17:43,860 --> 00:17:48,710 "Oh, there goes the kettle, and on the Aga!" 304 00:17:48,740 --> 00:17:52,220 It's a perfectly sensible way of cooking food and preparing meals! 305 00:17:52,250 --> 00:17:53,890 It keeps the kitchen warm! 306 00:17:53,920 --> 00:18:06,110 - No wonder the fucking Twinings had you, pal! It was... - I feel... I feel a mad . 307 00:18:06,140 --> 00:18:10,130 "...of proper kettles, and proper porcelain tea! 308 00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:13,830 China! Oh, England! Cricket!" 309 00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:17,680 Can you do an advert where you're cleaning a kettle with some brown sauce? 310 00:18:17,710 --> 00:18:22,960 - I jolly well will now! - Go on! - Stephen Fry for HP! "Baaah!" 311 00:18:22,990 --> 00:18:25,570 Oh, you're ineffably silly, but totally on fire, and that's wonderful. 312 00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:30,550 You should have points somewhere along the line, but not for the rhubarb up the dog's arse. 313 00:18:30,580 --> 00:18:34,210 Alan, Alan, Alan, your chance to shine but not, in this case, kettles. 314 00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:41,660 What is the cheapest way to remove blood stains from clothes? 315 00:18:41,690 --> 00:18:44,270 Let's imagine you cut yourself shaving and you get a spot there. 316 00:18:44,300 --> 00:18:49,180 - The cheapest way? - Yeah. - You have to go down to the river and beat it on a rock. 317 00:18:49,210 --> 00:18:50,890 Quicker than that. You can keep the shirt on, almost. 318 00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:53,860 - Hot water? Spit? - Ooh, you're right. Your own saliva. 319 00:18:53,890 --> 00:18:55,175 Yeah. Suck it out. 320 00:18:55,205 --> 00:18:57,761 Can I just say I'm so impressed you've got a picture of my husband 321 00:18:57,791 --> 00:19:02,080 in our fantasy sex costumes? 322 00:19:02,110 --> 00:19:08,590 - What do you wear in this scene? - Oh, erm, I sort of, kind of, chop one of my limbs off, 323 00:19:08,620 --> 00:19:14,800 and kind of make myself white, and just lie there like this: 324 00:19:14,830 --> 00:19:16,240 - And he comes in... - Looms in. 325 00:19:16,270 --> 00:19:21,350 gives me an injection, cleans me arse with a bit of rhubarb, 326 00:19:21,380 --> 00:19:23,910 and then we watch Neighbours. It's great! 327 00:19:23,940 --> 00:19:27,700 You see? There's no need to go out on the town beating people up 328 00:19:27,730 --> 00:19:32,670 and drinking Bacardi Breezers. You can have an innocent time... 329 00:19:32,700 --> 00:19:41,380 I know about hoodies and pikeys and chavs! 330 00:19:41,410 --> 00:19:47,320 Now ladies, put up your feet a moment because this one "is for father and younger son only!" 331 00:19:47,350 --> 00:19:49,630 Phill and Alan, 332 00:19:49,660 --> 00:19:54,530 tell us something interesting about door hinges. 333 00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:57,650 Door hinges used to be made out of wood 334 00:19:57,680 --> 00:20:00,360 - Yes. - erm, but they weren't very effective... and, so... 335 00:20:00,390 --> 00:20:09,280 then they started making them out of metal, and it's... it's got a lot better since then. 336 00:20:09,310 --> 00:20:12,170 You can clean 'em with brown sauce. 337 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:14,200 That's true! That is true. 338 00:20:14,230 --> 00:20:18,290 Have you ever hung a door on its hinges? Have you ever fitted hinges to a door? 339 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:20,290 - Yeah, we have. - We have. - You have? 340 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,540 All right, so how do you space the hinges out? 341 00:20:22,570 --> 00:20:26,170 Let's say the top hinge is six inches from the lintel. 342 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,750 - Yes? - Where would the bottom hinge be? Six inches from the floor? 343 00:20:28,780 --> 00:20:31,061 - Er, no. It would be lower. - Lower? - I like the fact that he's actually taking seriously 344 00:20:31,091 --> 00:20:34,010 - that we really have hung doors. - I have hung a door! 345 00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:36,950 - I have hung a door! - Oh, she has really hung a door! 346 00:20:36,980 --> 00:20:41,040 - I've hung a bloke. - I bet I hung it wrong. 347 00:20:41,070 --> 00:20:43,820 The point is this. Let's say this is the jamb. 348 00:20:43,850 --> 00:20:45,890 So this one is six inches from the top, 349 00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:48,020 but that's nine inches up, 350 00:20:48,050 --> 00:20:50,516 in order to create the effect of them being equally spaced. 351 00:20:50,546 --> 00:20:54,270 Because you're always looking down at the bottom one, and there's foreshortening. 352 00:20:54,300 --> 00:20:56,700 If you actually equally space them, it looks wrong; 353 00:20:56,730 --> 00:20:58,680 it looks as if the lower one is too low. 354 00:20:58,710 --> 00:21:02,140 So you have to do it to that... But in America, it's five and ten. 355 00:21:02,170 --> 00:21:04,799 And in some Western states of America, it's seven and eleven like a clock 356 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:08,850 - No! - Yes! It is! - My God! 357 00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:14,609 Seven inches down, eleven up! I know, it's a shocker! You heard it here first, Jo. 358 00:21:14,610 --> 00:21:17,420 - I'm frightened now! - I bet you are. 359 00:21:17,450 --> 00:21:19,590 - Is there a doctor here? - I want to imagine 360 00:21:19,620 --> 00:21:22,710 you measuring your door hinges when you get home and saying, "Stephen was right! 361 00:21:22,740 --> 00:21:24,461 - Six, nine!" - I'm going to send you a picture 362 00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:28,230 - of me measuring my door hinges naked! - Yes, please! I want it. 363 00:21:28,260 --> 00:21:31,690 But the middle one... the middle one goes exactly in between the two, 364 00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:34,920 so there's the six, the nine and then the one in the middle. 365 00:21:34,950 --> 00:21:38,710 - And there's the interesting thing about doors. - Doors are seventy-eight inches long. 366 00:21:38,740 --> 00:21:41,499 - All doors? - Domestic doors, generally. 367 00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:43,000 - You might have to take a bit off. - That's six foot six. 368 00:21:43,030 --> 00:21:48,900 - How do you know that? - Bought a door recently. 369 00:21:48,930 --> 00:21:51,610 You see? And who hung it? Who hung it on its hinges? 370 00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:53,920 - My friend Keith, who's a carpenter. - Well, he'll know about that. 371 00:21:53,950 --> 00:21:56,410 He's also a stand-up comedian, so it's a right laugh having him round. 372 00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:58,440 Oh, my God. 373 00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:03,120 The door handle kept turning like that and turning and turning and turning, 374 00:22:03,150 --> 00:22:05,750 and I couldn't get into the loo. 375 00:22:05,780 --> 00:22:08,130 And I really needed to go, 376 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,670 so I kicked the door in! 377 00:22:10,700 --> 00:22:13,739 - And it was the only time I've ever kicked a door in. - It's rather good! - Brilliant! 378 00:22:13,740 --> 00:22:15,371 - Great feeling! - It was a really cheap flimsy door. 379 00:22:15,401 --> 00:22:17,460 - Was Brenda in there? - And it smashed like that, 380 00:22:17,490 --> 00:22:21,190 and it exploded, and the door bit fell down, there was wood everywhere, 381 00:22:21,220 --> 00:22:24,830 and I burst in... and had a crap! 382 00:22:24,860 --> 00:22:27,990 Lovely! Very nice! 383 00:22:28,020 --> 00:22:31,440 When, er, when I left university, me and my friend Hugh Laurie shared a house, 384 00:22:31,470 --> 00:22:36,390 and we had a bit of work to do, and our plasterers... do you know who they were? 385 00:22:36,420 --> 00:22:39,130 - Cannon and Ball! - Charlie Higson. 386 00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:41,900 Charlie Higson and Paul Whitehouse. were our plasterers, yes. 387 00:22:41,930 --> 00:22:45,120 - And you were their inspiration! - Yes. 388 00:22:45,150 --> 00:22:48,400 - For so many characters! - Yes, exactly. 389 00:22:48,430 --> 00:22:53,290 "Stephen, the fellows in the hall are awfully funny!" 390 00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:57,140 That's Hugh, is it? Right. I'm telling. Baah. 391 00:22:57,170 --> 00:23:02,520 "What do you say we, er, listen in on them and nick a few jokes?" "Baaah! Baaah!" 392 00:23:02,550 --> 00:23:05,300 I think the boot was on the other foot! 393 00:23:05,330 --> 00:23:12,180 I think the boot was very much on the other foot. They overheard us being amusing in the kitchen. 394 00:23:12,210 --> 00:23:15,736 Now, finally, we plunge into the cupboard under the stairs to entangle ourselves 395 00:23:15,766 --> 00:23:20,920 in the kite strings of General Ignorance, so fingers on buzzers, 396 00:23:20,950 --> 00:23:26,290 and first one: Name a drink made from beans. 397 00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:27,695 - Jo got in first. - Oh, it's got to be coffee. 398 00:23:27,725 --> 00:23:30,770 Oh! No. 399 00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:34,080 No, coffee is made from seeds of the coffee plant. It has no beans. 400 00:23:34,110 --> 00:23:38,460 It has cherries and berries, and it has, er, seeds, but no... although we call them beans... 401 00:23:38,490 --> 00:23:42,750 - Coffee beans, but no beans? - It isn't a bean in the botanical sense. A bean. 402 00:23:42,780 --> 00:23:47,590 Like Mr. Bean or bean beans, beans, haricot beans, mung beans, runner beans, French beans... 403 00:23:47,620 --> 00:23:50,230 - I know different types of beans! - Oh, good. Phew. 404 00:23:50,260 --> 00:23:52,500 Kidney beans. It's not, in that sense, a bean. 405 00:23:52,530 --> 00:23:54,351 Bean bean bean bean bean. So that's it, you could've said that... 406 00:23:54,381 --> 00:23:57,160 - Baked bean juice! - Yep, yes, or pea soup. 407 00:23:57,190 --> 00:23:59,890 - You call it that? - You could've said pea soup. - I call it baked bean juice. 408 00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:01,950 - What, the juice from a baked bean can? - Yeah. 409 00:24:01,980 --> 00:24:05,010 - The tomato sauce? - Yeah. 410 00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:12,700 - It's sugar. It's sugar and water and tomato sauce... - So, Brainiac, what can we clean with that? - Aha! 411 00:24:12,730 --> 00:24:17,830 There's researchers out the back now sticking flowers in it, pouring it over dogs... 412 00:24:17,860 --> 00:24:21,730 Do you know, I was at university, and there was a young man who was called Heinz. 413 00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:24,050 I knew it wasn't his real name because he was actually an Etonian, 414 00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:27,780 rather sort of blonde, effete guy. He was really nice. "Oh, hi, actually!" 415 00:24:27,810 --> 00:24:31,180 Really super guy, very funny. Everything was "hilarious". 416 00:24:31,210 --> 00:24:34,260 "God, that's really funny, actually. That was seriously funny." 417 00:24:34,290 --> 00:24:37,470 Er, really nice. And... And I asked a... a friend who had been at school with him... 418 00:24:37,500 --> 00:24:40,840 I said, you know, "His name's William or Piers or Hamish," or whatever, you know. 419 00:24:40,870 --> 00:24:42,680 I said, "Why does everyone call him Heinz?" 420 00:24:42,710 --> 00:24:46,480 They said, "It was when he was at school. Somebody burst into his room without knocking 421 00:24:46,510 --> 00:24:52,710 and he had a mound of baked beans all over his knob and he was wanking in it!" 422 00:24:52,740 --> 00:24:59,250 And... So this poor guy is called... And everyone's called him Heinz! He went "Hi, yeah, absolutely." 423 00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:03,000 I used to put boiling hot cheese on top of my beans, I hope he didn't ... 424 00:25:03,030 --> 00:25:06,390 Oh, on top of your beans! Thank God for that! 425 00:25:06,420 --> 00:25:11,610 - Is beans a euphemism in this case? - And when you go in and he's there, what do you say in that situation? 426 00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:19,290 - "Sorry!" - "Black pepper sir?" 427 00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:22,460 What kind of culinary accident do you have to have... 428 00:25:22,490 --> 00:25:26,230 to discover the pleasure of the beans... 429 00:25:26,260 --> 00:25:28,100 - on the old fella? - He split it in his lap! 430 00:25:28,130 --> 00:25:31,840 - He just sat down to watch the telly. - "Ahhh!" - "Oh, no. Ooh... " 431 00:25:31,870 --> 00:25:33,830 "Mind you... !" 432 00:25:38,860 --> 00:25:42,765 So, yes, pea soup, you could have said, of course, is something you drink that's made from beans. 433 00:25:42,795 --> 00:25:45,970 Er, coffee is really a fruit and made from seeds, not beans. 434 00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:48,060 Now, have you ever slid down a banister? 435 00:25:48,090 --> 00:25:54,750 Yes. 436 00:25:54,780 --> 00:25:57,910 Well... I have to say... 437 00:25:57,940 --> 00:25:59,410 Yes, I have! 438 00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:03,040 Please don't destroy Alan's childhood! 439 00:26:03,070 --> 00:26:05,310 There is, bless him! Yes, the point is this, 440 00:26:05,340 --> 00:26:07,920 that the little yellow thin up-and-downies are balusters, 441 00:26:07,950 --> 00:26:12,790 sometimes wrongly called "banisters" and the bit on the top is called a "balustrade", 442 00:26:12,820 --> 00:26:15,040 so you should be sliding down a balustrade, not a banister. 443 00:26:15,070 --> 00:26:20,350 - When I was at college, I slid down a barrister. - Did you? 444 00:26:20,380 --> 00:26:27,990 Did you hit yourself on the knob at the end? 445 00:26:28,020 --> 00:26:29,370 - Very good indeed! - "Ooh!" 446 00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:33,950 Anyway. And now, for two hundred points, what did Wordsworth smell? 447 00:26:33,980 --> 00:26:37,060 - Well, daffodils, obviously! - Oh, dear, that's minus... minus... 448 00:26:37,090 --> 00:26:40,690 - Clouds. He smelt clouds! - He smelt clouds? No, he didn't, 449 00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:42,780 when he wandered lonely as one, he didn't, no. 450 00:26:42,810 --> 00:26:45,830 The answer, I'm afraid, is "nothing". He was anosmic. 451 00:26:45,860 --> 00:26:48,590 He had no sense of smell at all. 452 00:26:48,620 --> 00:26:50,560 He could not smell anything. 453 00:26:50,590 --> 00:26:54,051 It was Robert Southey and various others that reported on this, he had no sense of smell. 454 00:26:54,081 --> 00:26:56,330 - That why he's looking kind of worried? - He is looking very worried there. 455 00:26:56,360 --> 00:27:00,830 - That's, er... - He's going, "Oh, what does it smell like?!" 456 00:27:00,860 --> 00:27:03,640 He only makes two references to smells in all his poems. 457 00:27:03,670 --> 00:27:06,971 You can be congenitally anosmic, or you can get it from a bang on the head 458 00:27:07,001 --> 00:27:09,590 or occasionally from a vitamin A deficiency. 459 00:27:09,620 --> 00:27:14,870 So, it's time, ladies and gentlemen, one and all to look at the scores. 460 00:27:14,900 --> 00:27:16,240 Do you know, 461 00:27:16,270 --> 00:27:25,430 for the first time on the show and she's the outright winner with minus three, it's Jessica Stevenson! 462 00:27:25,460 --> 00:27:32,940 Phill comes in second for the men with minus four! 463 00:27:32,970 --> 00:27:34,460 And Jo. 464 00:27:34,490 --> 00:27:42,940 - Third place with minus eighteen! Ohh! - Minus-18. Bloody hell. 465 00:27:42,970 --> 00:27:45,220 Which means the man that'll be cleaning the studio 466 00:27:45,250 --> 00:27:53,310 and waxing the floor is none other than Alan Davies on minus sixty-four! 467 00:27:57,000 --> 00:28:01,300 That's all from Jo, Jessica, Phill, Alan, and from me, 468 00:28:01,340 --> 00:28:07,030 and I leave you with one last good housekeeping hint, courtesy of Viz magazine's Top Tips. 469 00:28:07,060 --> 00:28:10,420 "Press Rice Krispies into the treads of your car tyres 470 00:28:10,450 --> 00:28:14,090 for that expensive gravel drive look." 471 00:28:14,120 --> 00:28:17,630 Happy hoovering, good bye. Thank you very much. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net