Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello
and ho ho ho ho ho ho . . . bally ho.
And welcome to the QI Christmas party!
So now, joining me for warm white wine in the canteen this evening are
the skinny geezer from accounts, Rich Hall,
the scary woman from "Human Resources", Jo Brand,
I rather like the sound of that.
the big guy from marketing with the goatee, Dara O Briain
and, of course, the Acting Deputy Director of Humorous Content Transmissions,
- South East region, Alan "Gagmeister" Davies! - Thank you.
Let's hear, if we may, those seasonal bells. Jo goes:
Aah. Dara goes:
Rich goes:
And Alan goes:
Now, more then twenty billion pounds gets spent in the UK each Christmas,
and a third of all books, clothes and toys are sold in the last eight weeks of the year.
One hundred and fifty million Christmas cards get sent, 7.5 million trees are decorated,
and we buy enough wrapping paper to gift-wrap... Guernsey.
So, let's just take a few moments, then, together and try to remember:
Why is Christmas day on December 25th?
It's the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ!
Oh, Alany Walany Woo!
- Well, I thought I'd get it out the way. - Yes.
Is that a very, very small fire or are those huge stockings?
It's a mid-winter solstice; it's a pagan festival that's been appropriated by Christianity.
- There is a great deal of truth in that. - Do I get the points back?
Well, certainly you get some back.
It was indeed.... There was a Teutonic, Celtic, and pagan view that if you've survived the winter solstice
on the 21st December, you have a feast to celebrate.
But also there was the Roman god.
- Was it Saturnalia? - There was... The Saturnalia was also at that time of year,
but there was Mithras.
- Just there two of them, were there? - Well...
there are amazing things claimed about Mithras, and I'll read you some of them.
He was a saviour, Mithras, sent to earth to live as a mortal,
through whom it was possible for sinners to be reborn into immortal life.
He died for our sins, but came back to life the following Sunday.
He was born of a virgin on December 25th, in a manger or perhaps a cave,
attended by shepherds, and became known as "the light of the world".
He had twelve disciples, with whom he shared a last meal before dying.
His devotees symbolically consumed the flesh and blood of him.
Because Mithras was a sun god, he was worshiped on Sundays.
Is he a tribute band?
He's often depicted with a halo around his head,
and Mithraists gave each gifts on December 25th;
the leader of the religion was called a Papa,
and their HQ was on Vatican Hill in Rome.
And you're not, kind of, writing off the chance that this was just a massive coincidence?
And then one day they all went to the Vatican and went, "What? What? Ah, hang on..."
Well, a lot of Christian scholars have since been very angry at some of this research
which came out in 1903 about Mithraists and they claim it's nonsense.
There's a few flaws though, aren't there?
I mean I've never heard a bloke go, "Oh, Mithras," when he's coming, have you?
No. You're right.
- I'm not sure that Christians would point to that as somehow... - Have I lowered the tone already? - ...a vindication of their religion.
It's certainly true that there are dozens of religions in world mythology
that have had visits by wise men... kings who've killed children
to stop the new king being born.
There's a great deal in Christianity that is traditional.
And however wonderful people think the story is,
it's, frankly, not original.
This is an interesting direction to start your Christmas special with.
Well...
- there was the Yule festival, which was a very ancient. - Where we get the log from. - The Yule log.
And "you'll" be coming home in an ambulance.
- And Yul Bryner. - Yul Bryner.
"You're lovely, you are!"
The nativity story in the Bible... It's probably because they couldn't find a hotel room,
they hadn't booked in advance, because it was Christmas.
- They should have known it would be busy. - Yeah.
Because it's Christmas.
Exactly.
Does it explain, by the way, why, er, Christmas is so very definite in the date, that you know,
25th... Bang, every year, same way. Whereas Easter is a random pin in a map, er...
But all these things were decided three-, four-, five-, six-hundred years after Christ.
They had conferences and they decided that Christmas should be the 25th December
because there were thousands of people who already celebrated on that date,
because that was Mithras's day.
Yeah, and they've still got All Saints Day and All Souls Day around by the time the people were celebrating
I don't think there's an "Arseholes Day".
You and your liberal agenda.
- Yeah. That's November the 1st, I believe. - Yes, it is.
- All Hallows. - Yes, exactly, but they... they were just tying into, you know, old, er, pagan rituals of, you know,
the dead rising.
Isn't it odd that Jesus's resurrection... that day is arbitrary,
but British bankers always know what day they're going to get off.
You're right. You don't call them bank holidays.
Every day is a bank holiday in America.
Washington's birthday, is that a holiday? No, that's...
That's lumped in with Lincoln... and Elvis.
Right. Fair enough. So Memorial Day memorialises what?
Er, dead guys.
Anyway, the 25th December is the birthday of Mithras, the popular Roman sun god.
The day was borrowed for Jesus, whose birthday is unknown
and not mentioned in the Bible. And according to Islam,
Jesus, who is a prophet in the Koran, of course,
was born in the summer.
And according to Jehovah's Witnesses, he was born on the 1st of October.
Well, they saw it. Er, presumably.
Yes. Of course. They were Jehovah's Witnesses!
Presumably, of all people!
By the way, can we just not completely lose the "facade" that we're doing the Christmas special here?
You're right. Absolutely.
Now about Christmases: What does the Queen do after Christmas lunch?
Has a wank.
- No! - That's what everyone else does
during the Queen's speech.
Do they?!
Yes. They go for a walk. They go to church.
Oh, hullo. Oh. Er, no, they go to church in the morning, definitely; St Mary Magdalene, in Sandringham.
But they've furnished us with remarkable details, I have to say, the Royal Family.
Does that mean that somebody from the office is going to be tuning in to see
- how these details were handled? - Yes. Absolutely.
And are likely to thrilled at the sensitive way
in which the Queen's Christmas day has been described so far.
That's why I've been wriggling slightly.
But just to get it out of the way, the answer is: She goes into the saloon and watches herself on television.
On Christmas Eve, right, they gather in the white drawing room at Sandringham,
around a twenty foot Christmas tree cut from the Sandringham estate,
- and I want to add here, at the risk of being booed, that I get my tree from the Sandringham estate. - Boo!
It's decorated by the Queen herself. At five...
- What, your tree? - Boo! - Boo!
No! My tree? No.
Does she come round to do it? I bet you send her out in the garden.
"No, do it out in the garden! You'll make a mess."
At 5 pm, the whole family has a cup of Earl Grey,
except the Queen, who has her own Indian blend.
- Is it Twinings? - I hope so!
This is turning into a massive embarrassment all round.
And then they have sandwiches, cakes, and scones.
At 6 pm, they open presents. This is Christmas Eve, remember.
- Why do they open presents on Christmas Eve? - Because they're all fucking mad!
No, because they're all fucking Germans.
It's a German tradition.
So there you are.
The Queen gives the signal. They give each other practical presents, it turns out;
- the Queen is said to have been "delighted" with... - With a gun.
"Oh, that's bloody brilliant!"
No, with a casserole dish
and a gift-wrapped washing-up apron.
Do you think it's one of those ones with tits on the front?
After dinner, after Christmas Eve dinner, the Queen and the other female royals
leave the room with the corgis. Prince Philip then serves port...
Prince Philip then serves port or brandy to the male members of the Royal Family.
- Oh, for God's sake! - Right, well. It's tradition. It's tradition. If I told you this...
They're now wearing only loincloths.
- Exactly. If I told you this about an Aboriginal tribe, you'd say, "Ooh, how interesting." - No, I wouldn't.
So it's just... It's tribal behaviour. That's all; it's interesting. I think.
- They get stockings on Christmas morning... - Prince Philip gets stockings on?
- No. - While he's serving the brandy?
No, no, this is next morning;
- they all have at the foot of their bed. - He wears them all night?
The family pulls crackers, but the Queen refuses to wear her paper party hat.
And then at 3 pm, they go the saloon to watch "me" on Christmas day.
We love them all and we wish them well at this Christmas time.
And, talking of dysfunction at the Christmas time,
what suffers most at the office Christmas party?
I have to say this: The photocopier, for having so many arses on it.
It's the right answer!
- Oh, I say! - I was going to say... That was a long photo-shoot for me, that was.
There is a 25% increase in emergency call-outs
around the two weeks leading up to Christmas,
and Canon... They've done a survey about this,
and it's absolutely astonishing how much people abuse their photocopiers
at Christmas parties. It's not just a myth; people really do it.
Has the Queen got a photocopier?
She uses a portrait artist whenever she needs anything duplicated.
"I want this page painted in half an hour.
Two copies, A4."
And the rather splendidly named Canon engineer Geoff Bush,
says that he's had glass broken
due young ladies copying their rears.
They've found sleeping cats inside the copiers.
A snake, a kitchen knife, a sausage roll, a condom, stockings, a vibrator,
and even a cheque for six thousand pounds.
Why the... Who put the cat into... ?
- Well, I can understand... - A copycat.
Hey! Maybe they lifted it up because there was a paper jam because somebody...
And they thought, "Go in there, Tiddles, and clear that, up will you?"
Well, maybe they...
They thought his little paws would get at the toner faster, like, and he'd be able to reach into it.
It is a peculiar thing to find. A snake is odder in a way, because...
But I mean, did they send in the snake to clear out the cat? Is this like...
Technically though, I think you can... you can fax a snake.
Anyway, merriness, merriness at Christmas; tell me about champagne. Who invented it?
Er, the French, in the Champagne region.
No. No, they didn't.
- The grape came from Champagne, the Champagne region, but they were not the ones who invented it. - Are they Belgian monks?
- Germans? - No.
- English. - English. - Yes, English.
- Oh, damn you! - Jo just got there first. Yeah.
It was by accident. It was by accident because there was something wrong with the bottle
- and the wine went fizzy and they liked it. - No, this was the myth that the French put out
in the 19th century about Dom Perignon.
They claimed that by accident it went fizzy and he said, "Come in, come in everybody...
I'm drinking the stars." And it's all absolute bollocks.
It was the 16th century; the British started importing this green flat wine from the Champagne region
- and they added sugar and molasses to make it sparkle. - Shaking it up.
Anyone who makes ginger beer... It goes very fizzy, this culture, you know, they...
- I'm sorry, who among this table has ever made ginger beer? - Haven't you?
Yes, thank you!
A surprising ally.
And it multiplies, doesn't it? You can't get rid of the stuff.
It's a culture, like yoghurt, so when you...
They should have a ginger beer episode on Doctor Who, because it...
- it takes over the planet. - They're like aliens.
I made vodka as well.
- Moscow mules. - Yes, ginger beer and vodka. - They're lethal.
You could have made your own Moscow mules.
Oh, bollocks! Oh, well.
It's fine drink.
Anyway, there's three times more pressure than in a car tyre inside a bottle of champagne.
So you need a very strong glass, and the British had the technology by that time,
16th, 17th century we're getting to,
and we had quite good corks, but Dom Perignon invented the wire cage to go over the cork.
- And he also did the blending. Do you drink it? - No, Guinness.
- Do you drink it? - Guinness? No, no no. I've served it a few times;
know how to pull it correctly, which is a piece of information that hasn't transferred over here at all...
- Are we hopeless then? - You're useless.
You have to let it sit, you have to let it go black, and then you have to push it back so that not more gas goes into it.
Five twelfths of an inch is the ideal head round the top.
And if somebody paints a shamrock into it, you're allowed to stab them in the eye with a fork.
I remember I worked in a pub in the town I grew up in,
and they wouldn't take a Guinness off me until I'd been there for a while.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah.
"Oh, he's not... he doesn't know how to do it."
Well, the pub I was in ...
The pub I was in actually wasn't located in a movie from the 50's, but, er...
"Is it not from the land of the bogs and the little people?"
- No, no. - "Ah, was it not. So it wasn't."
No, surprising, I had to work just outside the land with the bars.
You could look over the wall from where we were,
into where the tiny people pranced and danced.
So, now, while we're on the continent, which figure is essential to the Christmas crib
in Catalunya?
Is it Barry Norman?
One of those wild stabs in the dark, and I would so love to say, "How amazing; you're right"
- but you're not. - I know. Is it a figure that we don't get in ours, then?
It's a figure we don't get in our cribs.
In the back of a Catalonian crib,
there is always a man squatting and defecating, or a young boy,
and very often a public figure.
- In the middle of the ... - Yes. - By the manger?
- With baby Jesus? - It's weird but it's true.
- It could be Barry Norman one day then. - It could be Barry Norman.
It's so unlikely. They've had George W Bush and they've had David Beckham.
They have the crapper. He's called the caganer. The "Caga" is "crap" in Catalonian,
- as it is in many other languages. - Every crib has to have a crapper?
A true Catalonian crib will, yeah. I know you're thinking I'm making this up.
They are a very scatological people, the Catalonians.
They call their Christmas log the caga tio, the "shit log".
And there's a popular Catalan phrase: before eating they say, "Menja be,
caga fort." Eat well, shit hard. This is...
You've got the Catalan colours.
I am wearing Catalan colours, actually, aren't I? But I'm not squirting out turds as I speak, you'll be pleased to know.
- Shit hard, Fry, shit hard! - Shit hard. Caga fort!
But anyway, erm, next question: Who got little leather boots for Christmas in Norfolk?
- Yes? - The Norfolk gimp.
What do we associate Norfolk with on Christmas cards?
- Yes. - Bernard Matthews' turkeys. - Well, not his.
Turkeys in Norfolk have a long, long history; well before Mr Matthews.
We're going all the way back to the 16th century, the 1500's...
- Don't show them wandering around as if that's how they live. - That's how they did.
They drove them. That's the point. They "droved" them.
- They don't now, they live in vast aircraft hangers, - I'm talking about...
- pecking each other to death, - They now live...
their legs snapping under their vast, bulbous, amphetamine, antibiotic-filled bodies.
Sounds a bit like my house.
But in the past they were taken from Norwich to London
every year, for Christmas time,
because the British habit of eating turkey for Christmas was as early as Queen Elizabeth's reign.
Although they were first brought to Europe in 1520,
by 1580s, Norfolk and Suffolk farmers were droving thousands of them every year.
We bred our own turkeys in Norfolk: the Norfolk Black
and the Holland White. Those turkeys were put on the Mayflower
and when the Pilgrim Fathers arrived in America,
they ate turkeys that had been bred in England.
They didn't catch turkeys on the coast of America.
But because their feet would go all... Awful, you know,
so they gave them little boots. And they'd do the same with geese.
"You can't shoe a goose"; it's an old phrase.
So they cover them in tar and sand so they could walk without hurting themselves.
And pigs... Pigs would have little woolen boots with leather soles, the pigs.
Isn't that nice? March them along.
It's nice, except they're marching to their own death!
Which you rather... Would you rather that, or... or have them in Auschwitz?
I'm not saying that this wasn't a better way to deal with them,
but I just wouldn't get too excited about how happy they should be to have their little present of a shoe, er...
- It's sweet. - Shoes!! - I think it's lovely.
"Where are we going?"
Were they on-line looking at, oh, visitlondon.com: "Oh, I can't wait to see that.
Oh, think I might go on the Eye!"
Well, I think they did a mile a day and they had a lovely time.
Compared to the ones now, which as you say, live in these ghastly concentration camps.
- Why are they called turkeys? - Because they're from Turkey.
- Do you think they're from Turkey? Is that where... - No.
No, exactly. No.
- The first merchants to sell them on in Europe... - Were Turkish.
were Turkish, yeah, so they were known as Turkey-cocks.
But the weird thing is, everyone else calls them "Indian".
The French call it d'Inde, which is from Inde, the Indies.
The Polish call it the indyk; the Dutch call it kalkoen, the Calcutta hen.
The Austrians call it an "Indian"; the Turks call it a "Hindi".
In Hindi, they call it a "Peru Pakshi", a Peru bird.
But the great original, in America, its land of origin,
is "Fakit". Called "Fakit", er,
in Choctaw.
- Oh, right. - And they've now changed it
to akank chaaha, "tall chicken", to avoid embarrassment.
Anyway, that brings us carolling into the mad hurly-burly of General Ignorance.
So fingers on bell buzzers, and appropriately for the season, all these will have a sacred theme.
- Now, name a saint who comes from Ireland? - Patrick.
- Ooh! - I don't know why I bother.
He went to Ireland, but he didn't come from Ireland.
None of the patron saints of Britain are from where they're supposed to be from, are they?
- George is Palestinian, St George. - Yes.
- And Patrick was Welsh. - British, certainly.
- He came from around the River Severn area, apparently. - St Bernard was from a shelter.
He was indeed! But you must be able to name some genuine saints.
Yes. St Columba, St Bridget, St Kevin.
St Bridget. Do you know what her great miracle was?
Er, she laid down a cape, 'cause she had said, "I want some land to build a convent."
They said, "Well, you can have whatever land your cape covers,"
and she laid it down, and the cape grew like ginger beer!
- Until it had taken over an entire field. - That is one of her great miracles.
The other one, was that she could transform her used bath water into beer.
- A very Irish sort of miracle. - That one... That one wasn't taught to us in primary school in Ireland, actually.
- No. St Kevin? - Kevin lived half way up a mountain,
in Glendalough, in Wicklow, and was like an Irish Francis of Assisi.
Small animals would nest in his hands,
and rather than crush the fecker and get on with his day,
- he would let the bird rest there... and heal or whatever, - Yes. Brilliant.
and he'd go, "Please, I've got stuff to do."
Do you want to bring up any more of these scars of my childhood, right?
It is astonishing to imagine an education like that.
I will say this for it, though. I do remember once going out with a lady,
who was raised atheist, and an utter chore to walk around a gallery with.
They go, "Who's the guy on the sticks?"
And, er, "Is he the same guy who was in the shed earlier on?"
Who is Saint Bartholomew?
Because I went in a museum in Venice, and there was a painting of him,
- and he's the spit of me. - Really?
Or I was the spit of him. Anyway, it was a virtually full-size picture
and it was uncanny and a little bit frightening,
because he was only wearing a nappy, and he'd been shot with an arrow.
I'm... His day is the 24th August; I know that.
That's St Bartholomew's day and there's obviously a famous hospital in London, St Bartholomew's.
But he's probably the reason why they say "always wear clean underwear, er, in case you're in an accident,"
because he had to go to A & E with an arrow and a nappy on,
- and sit in the waiting room. - He waited so long they named the hospital after him. - after him, exactly! Lord! There you are.
But a lot of them had arrows. St Sebastian was the famous one to be shot with arrows, but there are lots of...
Well, maybe it was St Sebastian. Maybe it wasn't St Bartholomew.
There is a Mantegna St Sebastian, that does look not unlike you, it has to be said.
- Do you know what, I think it might be St Sebastian. - I think it was St Sebastian.
St Bartholomew's death was that he was flayed alive,
and most paintings of St Bartholomew have him with his skin draped over his arm, his own skin.
- No, that wasn't him. - That wasn't him, no.
Because I've seen that statue in church and I always used to think when I was kid that
he just had a sort of beige-coloured coat.
- It was his own skin. - His own skin.
Anyway, the patron saint of Ireland went to Ireland, but didn't come from there.
He was kidnapped as a child and sold into slavery to Ireland,
and then when he went onto the continent and became a monk, he wanted to come back to Ireland
to convert it to Christianity and cast out snakes.
But who painted this behind me? Talking of Italian art.
Oh, no, you're not going to get me now.
- I'll have a go. Shall I have a go? - Have a go, my dear.
Was it Jackson Pollock?
No, all right, Michelangelo! Michelangelo.
- Oh! No no - The fingers are wrong.
- They're wrong. Did he not do the fingers? - We could show it wider.
- It's The Creation of Adam. There it is. - I've got it on my phone and do you know what,
you're not supposed to take pictures, but I took one like that.
There's a bloke there going, "No pictures! No pictures!"
"Sebastiano!"
"You! In the nappy."
The Sistine Chapel is what we're looking at, of course,
and he painted it round about 1511, Michelangelo.
Only about forty years later, God and Adam's fingers fell off,
so the new plaster was put in and an unknown papal restorer
actually painted them,
- so those bits are not by Michelangelo. - He should have done them going like that.
- It's rather... It is rather... - God and Adam.
Oh, for a laugh; it's only undercoat. "It's the undercoat. I having a laugh."
Very good
So, talking of great holy figures, when did Father Christmas die?
Oh, come on! He's not dead, he's still ali...
- Well, we know he's dead. - Well, I hope... I hope all the children are in bed.
- It's all right. - There are going to be some tears now.
We're talking about the Father Christmas who we know is dead because we've seen his entry
in the register of the dead in the church where he lived and grew up in Dedham in Essex.
We've actually seen it. He was an old man called Christmas. It was his surname,
Father Christmas. There it's written; I hope you can see it there. And this...
I knew a girl from Essex called Laura Christmas.
Exactly. Christmas is a common surname in Essex.
So this poor Father Christmas here died on May 30th, 1564.
There was a Roger Christmas of Sussex in 1200, the earliest Christmas found in British records.
There's still about a thousand people in the phone books called Christmas,
in Essex, Surrey, Cambridgeshire, London, and Sussex.
- I remember when I was a kid there was someone in the phone book called Mr Bastard, right? - Yes.
And we used to phone him and go, "Hello, is Dave there please?"
And he'd go, "There isn't anyone here called Dave." And we'd go, "Oh, must be some other Bastard, then."
Surely you could come up with a good Christmas one to do.
Well, they used to ring up Jesus College; they would call it up on Christmas Day
and say, "Is that Jesus? And the porter will go, "Yes."
"Happy birthday to you...
Really annoying for him.
Very silly. But anyway, it was an old English habit
to call people "Father" if you didn't know their name and they were an old man,
like Father Smith and Father William, and he was known as Father Christmas,
and that's how he's written in the book.
And it was before, of course, Santa Claus was known as Father Christmas,
so it didn't, obviously, seem like a joke to them.
'Dve been great if his wife had been named Mary.
Mary Christmas? Merry Christmas!
Very good. Lovely lovely lovely.
And there you are.
Anyway. Do you know where Santa Claus came from, by the way?
- Is it a German thing, or is it... ? - Not Germany, no. Where St Nicholas, the saint...
- Russia. - No. - Catalonia, You've been a bad child this year.
- and he's actually having a dump. - No.
You've been a bad child this year.
- No, it's not there. - Turkey.
"Turkey" is the right answer!
He was a Turkish saint.
And on that happy note, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to go home.
So let's see what's in your party bag, shall we?
Oh, my goodness me. It's champagne for Dara, with two points!
And it's Spanish brandy for Rich, with minus nine!
- Why are you clapping? - It's cooking sherry-- - I have minus nine and they're applauding!
And it's cooking sherry for Jo Brand, with minus seventeen!
And with minus fifty-three, it's a...
It's a can of Special Brew and a train home for Alan Davies!
My very special spicy mulled thanks to Rich, Dara, Jo, and Alan,
and I leave you with this seasonal mince pie from the great black American comic Dick Gregory.
"I never believed in Santa Claus, because I knew no white dude would come
into my neighborhood after dark." Good night.
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