1 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:37,440 Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello 2 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:43,489 and ho ho ho ho ho ho . . . bally ho. 3 00:00:43,490 --> 00:00:46,735 And welcome to the QI Christmas party! 4 00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:57,090 So now, joining me for warm white wine in the canteen this evening are 5 00:00:57,570 --> 00:01:01,550 the skinny geezer from accounts, Rich Hall, 6 00:01:04,100 --> 00:01:08,830 the scary woman from "Human Resources", Jo Brand, 7 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,400 I rather like the sound of that. 8 00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:17,520 the big guy from marketing with the goatee, Dara O Briain 9 00:01:20,220 --> 00:01:23,919 and, of course, the Acting Deputy Director of Humorous Content Transmissions, 10 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:28,970 - South East region, Alan "Gagmeister" Davies! - Thank you. 11 00:01:32,230 --> 00:01:36,285 Let's hear, if we may, those seasonal bells. Jo goes: 12 00:01:40,580 --> 00:01:42,415 Aah. Dara goes: 13 00:01:46,870 --> 00:01:48,830 Rich goes: 14 00:01:53,470 --> 00:01:55,515 And Alan goes: 15 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:12,200 Now, more then twenty billion pounds gets spent in the UK each Christmas, 16 00:02:12,260 --> 00:02:18,890 and a third of all books, clothes and toys are sold in the last eight weeks of the year. 17 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:25,525 One hundred and fifty million Christmas cards get sent, 7.5 million trees are decorated, 18 00:02:25,750 --> 00:02:29,970 and we buy enough wrapping paper to gift-wrap... Guernsey. 19 00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:33,715 So, let's just take a few moments, then, together and try to remember: 20 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:38,000 Why is Christmas day on December 25th? 21 00:02:40,290 --> 00:02:43,445 It's the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ! 22 00:02:44,650 --> 00:02:46,220 Oh, Alany Walany Woo! 23 00:02:47,270 --> 00:02:49,340 - Well, I thought I'd get it out the way. - Yes. 24 00:02:49,620 --> 00:02:53,570 Is that a very, very small fire or are those huge stockings? 25 00:02:55,420 --> 00:02:59,745 It's a mid-winter solstice; it's a pagan festival that's been appropriated by Christianity. 26 00:02:59,770 --> 00:03:02,800 - There is a great deal of truth in that. - Do I get the points back? 27 00:03:03,220 --> 00:03:04,755 Well, certainly you get some back. 28 00:03:04,770 --> 00:03:10,619 It was indeed.... There was a Teutonic, Celtic, and pagan view that if you've survived the winter solstice 29 00:03:10,620 --> 00:03:14,510 on the 21st December, you have a feast to celebrate. 30 00:03:14,730 --> 00:03:17,969 But also there was the Roman god. 31 00:03:17,970 --> 00:03:21,029 - Was it Saturnalia? - There was... The Saturnalia was also at that time of year, 32 00:03:21,030 --> 00:03:22,709 but there was Mithras. 33 00:03:22,710 --> 00:03:25,100 - Just there two of them, were there? - Well... 34 00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:29,209 there are amazing things claimed about Mithras, and I'll read you some of them. 35 00:03:29,210 --> 00:03:32,585 He was a saviour, Mithras, sent to earth to live as a mortal, 36 00:03:33,030 --> 00:03:36,281 through whom it was possible for sinners to be reborn into immortal life. 37 00:03:36,282 --> 00:03:39,880 He died for our sins, but came back to life the following Sunday. 38 00:03:40,010 --> 00:03:44,065 He was born of a virgin on December 25th, in a manger or perhaps a cave, 39 00:03:44,190 --> 00:03:47,335 attended by shepherds, and became known as "the light of the world". 40 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:50,249 He had twelve disciples, with whom he shared a last meal before dying. 41 00:03:50,250 --> 00:03:53,075 His devotees symbolically consumed the flesh and blood of him. 42 00:03:53,270 --> 00:03:56,219 Because Mithras was a sun god, he was worshiped on Sundays. 43 00:03:56,220 --> 00:03:58,899 Is he a tribute band? 44 00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:01,335 He's often depicted with a halo around his head, 45 00:04:01,890 --> 00:04:04,510 and Mithraists gave each gifts on December 25th; 46 00:04:04,630 --> 00:04:06,809 the leader of the religion was called a Papa, 47 00:04:06,810 --> 00:04:10,070 and their HQ was on Vatican Hill in Rome. 48 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:15,140 And you're not, kind of, writing off the chance that this was just a massive coincidence? 49 00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:20,575 And then one day they all went to the Vatican and went, "What? What? Ah, hang on..." 50 00:04:21,170 --> 00:04:24,469 Well, a lot of Christian scholars have since been very angry at some of this research 51 00:04:24,470 --> 00:04:28,070 which came out in 1903 about Mithraists and they claim it's nonsense. 52 00:04:28,230 --> 00:04:30,469 There's a few flaws though, aren't there? 53 00:04:30,470 --> 00:04:34,910 I mean I've never heard a bloke go, "Oh, Mithras," when he's coming, have you? 54 00:04:37,330 --> 00:04:39,600 No. You're right. 55 00:04:39,630 --> 00:04:44,900 - I'm not sure that Christians would point to that as somehow... - Have I lowered the tone already? - ...a vindication of their religion. 56 00:04:45,820 --> 00:04:48,899 It's certainly true that there are dozens of religions in world mythology 57 00:04:48,900 --> 00:04:53,689 that have had visits by wise men... kings who've killed children 58 00:04:53,690 --> 00:04:55,650 to stop the new king being born. 59 00:04:55,970 --> 00:04:58,355 There's a great deal in Christianity that is traditional. 60 00:04:58,410 --> 00:05:01,100 And however wonderful people think the story is, 61 00:05:01,180 --> 00:05:03,380 it's, frankly, not original. 62 00:05:05,260 --> 00:05:09,000 This is an interesting direction to start your Christmas special with. 63 00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:12,500 Well... 64 00:05:15,500 --> 00:05:22,500 - there was the Yule festival, which was a very ancient. - Where we get the log from. - The Yule log. 65 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:26,140 And "you'll" be coming home in an ambulance. 66 00:05:26,470 --> 00:05:29,800 - And Yul Bryner. - Yul Bryner. 67 00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:33,455 "You're lovely, you are!" 68 00:05:33,860 --> 00:05:36,845 The nativity story in the Bible... It's probably because they couldn't find a hotel room, 69 00:05:36,846 --> 00:05:39,139 they hadn't booked in advance, because it was Christmas. 70 00:05:39,140 --> 00:05:42,120 - They should have known it would be busy. - Yeah. 71 00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:44,910 Because it's Christmas. 72 00:05:45,530 --> 00:05:47,575 Exactly. 73 00:05:52,330 --> 00:05:55,999 Does it explain, by the way, why, er, Christmas is so very definite in the date, that you know, 74 00:05:56,000 --> 00:06:02,270 25th... Bang, every year, same way. Whereas Easter is a random pin in a map, er... 75 00:06:03,370 --> 00:06:06,649 But all these things were decided three-, four-, five-, six-hundred years after Christ. 76 00:06:06,650 --> 00:06:10,409 They had conferences and they decided that Christmas should be the 25th December 77 00:06:10,410 --> 00:06:15,039 because there were thousands of people who already celebrated on that date, 78 00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:16,890 because that was Mithras's day. 79 00:06:16,900 --> 00:06:20,739 Yeah, and they've still got All Saints Day and All Souls Day around by the time the people were celebrating 80 00:06:20,740 --> 00:06:23,795 I don't think there's an "Arseholes Day". 81 00:06:25,380 --> 00:06:27,990 You and your liberal agenda. 82 00:06:30,470 --> 00:06:31,830 - Yeah. That's November the 1st, I believe. - Yes, it is. 83 00:06:31,831 --> 00:06:36,825 - All Hallows. - Yes, exactly, but they... they were just tying into, you know, old, er, pagan rituals of, you know, 84 00:06:36,835 --> 00:06:38,399 the dead rising. 85 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:41,675 Isn't it odd that Jesus's resurrection... that day is arbitrary, 86 00:06:41,850 --> 00:06:45,360 but British bankers always know what day they're going to get off. 87 00:06:45,610 --> 00:06:47,810 You're right. You don't call them bank holidays. 88 00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:50,865 Every day is a bank holiday in America. 89 00:06:51,290 --> 00:06:53,074 Washington's birthday, is that a holiday? No, that's... 90 00:06:53,075 --> 00:06:56,585 That's lumped in with Lincoln... and Elvis. 91 00:06:59,590 --> 00:07:01,700 Right. Fair enough. So Memorial Day memorialises what? 92 00:07:02,155 --> 00:07:05,830 Er, dead guys. 93 00:07:06,730 --> 00:07:12,039 Anyway, the 25th December is the birthday of Mithras, the popular Roman sun god. 94 00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:14,190 The day was borrowed for Jesus, whose birthday is unknown 95 00:07:14,191 --> 00:07:17,765 and not mentioned in the Bible. And according to Islam, 96 00:07:17,766 --> 00:07:19,750 Jesus, who is a prophet in the Koran, of course, 97 00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:21,585 was born in the summer. 98 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:25,180 And according to Jehovah's Witnesses, he was born on the 1st of October. 99 00:07:25,460 --> 00:07:28,840 Well, they saw it. Er, presumably. 100 00:07:30,060 --> 00:07:32,080 Yes. Of course. They were Jehovah's Witnesses! 101 00:07:32,850 --> 00:07:35,145 Presumably, of all people! 102 00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:43,785 By the way, can we just not completely lose the "facade" that we're doing the Christmas special here? 103 00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:48,020 You're right. Absolutely. 104 00:07:49,490 --> 00:07:53,100 Now about Christmases: What does the Queen do after Christmas lunch? 105 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:55,820 Has a wank. 106 00:08:04,260 --> 00:08:05,835 - No! - That's what everyone else does 107 00:08:05,836 --> 00:08:07,950 during the Queen's speech. 108 00:08:08,050 --> 00:08:09,670 Do they?! 109 00:08:10,450 --> 00:08:13,410 Yes. They go for a walk. They go to church. 110 00:08:17,010 --> 00:08:20,770 Oh, hullo. Oh. Er, no, they go to church in the morning, definitely; St Mary Magdalene, in Sandringham. 111 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:24,295 But they've furnished us with remarkable details, I have to say, the Royal Family. 112 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:26,100 Does that mean that somebody from the office is going to be tuning in to see 113 00:08:26,101 --> 00:08:29,360 - how these details were handled? - Yes. Absolutely. 114 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:30,899 And are likely to thrilled at the sensitive way 115 00:08:30,900 --> 00:08:33,990 in which the Queen's Christmas day has been described so far. 116 00:08:34,340 --> 00:08:36,260 That's why I've been wriggling slightly. 117 00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:42,430 But just to get it out of the way, the answer is: She goes into the saloon and watches herself on television. 118 00:08:42,630 --> 00:08:47,139 On Christmas Eve, right, they gather in the white drawing room at Sandringham, 119 00:08:47,140 --> 00:08:50,419 around a twenty foot Christmas tree cut from the Sandringham estate, 120 00:08:50,420 --> 00:08:54,575 - and I want to add here, at the risk of being booed, that I get my tree from the Sandringham estate. - Boo! 121 00:08:55,570 --> 00:08:57,645 It's decorated by the Queen herself. At five... 122 00:08:57,940 --> 00:09:00,410 - What, your tree? - Boo! - Boo! 123 00:09:06,590 --> 00:09:07,950 No! My tree? No. 124 00:09:07,990 --> 00:09:10,040 Does she come round to do it? I bet you send her out in the garden. 125 00:09:10,041 --> 00:09:12,280 "No, do it out in the garden! You'll make a mess." 126 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:15,489 At 5 pm, the whole family has a cup of Earl Grey, 127 00:09:15,490 --> 00:09:17,130 except the Queen, who has her own Indian blend. 128 00:09:17,131 --> 00:09:20,240 - Is it Twinings? - I hope so! 129 00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:30,910 This is turning into a massive embarrassment all round. 130 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:34,174 And then they have sandwiches, cakes, and scones. 131 00:09:34,175 --> 00:09:38,330 At 6 pm, they open presents. This is Christmas Eve, remember. 132 00:09:38,570 --> 00:09:43,220 - Why do they open presents on Christmas Eve? - Because they're all fucking mad! 133 00:09:43,830 --> 00:09:48,420 No, because they're all fucking Germans. 134 00:09:48,490 --> 00:09:50,520 It's a German tradition. 135 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:55,200 So there you are. 136 00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:58,970 The Queen gives the signal. They give each other practical presents, it turns out; 137 00:09:58,980 --> 00:10:02,130 - the Queen is said to have been "delighted" with... - With a gun. 138 00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:05,770 "Oh, that's bloody brilliant!" 139 00:10:07,030 --> 00:10:09,579 No, with a casserole dish 140 00:10:09,580 --> 00:10:12,600 and a gift-wrapped washing-up apron. 141 00:10:13,150 --> 00:10:16,330 Do you think it's one of those ones with tits on the front? 142 00:10:17,870 --> 00:10:21,339 After dinner, after Christmas Eve dinner, the Queen and the other female royals 143 00:10:21,340 --> 00:10:25,320 leave the room with the corgis. Prince Philip then serves port... 144 00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:30,280 Prince Philip then serves port or brandy to the male members of the Royal Family. 145 00:10:30,281 --> 00:10:33,929 - Oh, for God's sake! - Right, well. It's tradition. It's tradition. If I told you this... 146 00:10:33,930 --> 00:10:36,290 They're now wearing only loincloths. 147 00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:40,379 - Exactly. If I told you this about an Aboriginal tribe, you'd say, "Ooh, how interesting." - No, I wouldn't. 148 00:10:40,380 --> 00:10:43,460 So it's just... It's tribal behaviour. That's all; it's interesting. I think. 149 00:10:43,830 --> 00:10:47,280 - They get stockings on Christmas morning... - Prince Philip gets stockings on? 150 00:10:47,281 --> 00:10:50,280 - No. - While he's serving the brandy? 151 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,250 No, no, this is next morning; 152 00:10:52,370 --> 00:10:55,615 - they all have at the foot of their bed. - He wears them all night? 153 00:10:57,070 --> 00:11:01,099 The family pulls crackers, but the Queen refuses to wear her paper party hat. 154 00:11:01,100 --> 00:11:06,475 And then at 3 pm, they go the saloon to watch "me" on Christmas day. 155 00:11:07,170 --> 00:11:09,939 We love them all and we wish them well at this Christmas time. 156 00:11:09,940 --> 00:11:12,559 And, talking of dysfunction at the Christmas time, 157 00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:16,875 what suffers most at the office Christmas party? 158 00:11:19,290 --> 00:11:23,439 I have to say this: The photocopier, for having so many arses on it. 159 00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:25,595 It's the right answer! 160 00:11:33,970 --> 00:11:38,120 - Oh, I say! - I was going to say... That was a long photo-shoot for me, that was. 161 00:11:39,930 --> 00:11:43,709 There is a 25% increase in emergency call-outs 162 00:11:43,710 --> 00:11:46,170 around the two weeks leading up to Christmas, 163 00:11:46,210 --> 00:11:48,630 and Canon... They've done a survey about this, 164 00:11:48,631 --> 00:11:53,029 and it's absolutely astonishing how much people abuse their photocopiers 165 00:11:53,030 --> 00:11:55,749 at Christmas parties. It's not just a myth; people really do it. 166 00:11:55,750 --> 00:11:58,420 Has the Queen got a photocopier? 167 00:11:59,030 --> 00:12:02,710 She uses a portrait artist whenever she needs anything duplicated. 168 00:12:03,750 --> 00:12:06,780 "I want this page painted in half an hour. 169 00:12:07,350 --> 00:12:09,390 Two copies, A4." 170 00:12:10,300 --> 00:12:13,690 And the rather splendidly named Canon engineer Geoff Bush, 171 00:12:14,660 --> 00:12:16,299 says that he's had glass broken 172 00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:18,590 due young ladies copying their rears. 173 00:12:18,860 --> 00:12:21,725 They've found sleeping cats inside the copiers. 174 00:12:21,930 --> 00:12:25,425 A snake, a kitchen knife, a sausage roll, a condom, stockings, a vibrator, 175 00:12:25,500 --> 00:12:28,770 and even a cheque for six thousand pounds. 176 00:12:29,180 --> 00:12:31,540 Why the... Who put the cat into... ? 177 00:12:31,950 --> 00:12:35,740 - Well, I can understand... - A copycat. 178 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:43,649 Hey! Maybe they lifted it up because there was a paper jam because somebody... 179 00:12:43,650 --> 00:12:47,000 And they thought, "Go in there, Tiddles, and clear that, up will you?" 180 00:12:47,030 --> 00:12:48,209 Well, maybe they... 181 00:12:48,210 --> 00:12:52,610 They thought his little paws would get at the toner faster, like, and he'd be able to reach into it. 182 00:12:52,630 --> 00:12:56,099 It is a peculiar thing to find. A snake is odder in a way, because... 183 00:12:56,100 --> 00:12:59,250 But I mean, did they send in the snake to clear out the cat? Is this like... 184 00:13:00,620 --> 00:13:04,285 Technically though, I think you can... you can fax a snake. 185 00:13:06,260 --> 00:13:09,810 Anyway, merriness, merriness at Christmas; tell me about champagne. Who invented it? 186 00:13:09,930 --> 00:13:13,850 Er, the French, in the Champagne region. 187 00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:16,610 No. No, they didn't. 188 00:13:16,750 --> 00:13:20,699 - The grape came from Champagne, the Champagne region, but they were not the ones who invented it. - Are they Belgian monks? 189 00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:22,170 - Germans? - No. 190 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:23,579 - English. - English. - Yes, English. 191 00:13:23,580 --> 00:13:26,320 - Oh, damn you! - Jo just got there first. Yeah. 192 00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:33,559 It was by accident. It was by accident because there was something wrong with the bottle 193 00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:37,179 - and the wine went fizzy and they liked it. - No, this was the myth that the French put out 194 00:13:37,180 --> 00:13:39,779 in the 19th century about Dom Perignon. 195 00:13:39,780 --> 00:13:44,579 They claimed that by accident it went fizzy and he said, "Come in, come in everybody... 196 00:13:44,580 --> 00:13:47,919 I'm drinking the stars." And it's all absolute bollocks. 197 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:54,165 It was the 16th century; the British started importing this green flat wine from the Champagne region 198 00:13:54,430 --> 00:13:57,040 - and they added sugar and molasses to make it sparkle. - Shaking it up. 199 00:13:57,260 --> 00:14:00,535 Anyone who makes ginger beer... It goes very fizzy, this culture, you know, they... 200 00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:06,000 - I'm sorry, who among this table has ever made ginger beer? - Haven't you? 201 00:14:06,660 --> 00:14:08,500 Yes, thank you! 202 00:14:09,030 --> 00:14:11,590 A surprising ally. 203 00:14:14,380 --> 00:14:16,720 And it multiplies, doesn't it? You can't get rid of the stuff. 204 00:14:16,770 --> 00:14:18,399 It's a culture, like yoghurt, so when you... 205 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:21,839 They should have a ginger beer episode on Doctor Who, because it... 206 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:24,035 - it takes over the planet. - They're like aliens. 207 00:14:24,170 --> 00:14:26,930 I made vodka as well. 208 00:14:27,620 --> 00:14:30,320 - Moscow mules. - Yes, ginger beer and vodka. - They're lethal. 209 00:14:30,350 --> 00:14:32,079 You could have made your own Moscow mules. 210 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:34,800 Oh, bollocks! Oh, well. 211 00:14:34,830 --> 00:14:36,269 It's fine drink. 212 00:14:36,270 --> 00:14:41,300 Anyway, there's three times more pressure than in a car tyre inside a bottle of champagne. 213 00:14:41,350 --> 00:14:44,775 So you need a very strong glass, and the British had the technology by that time, 214 00:14:44,990 --> 00:14:46,890 16th, 17th century we're getting to, 215 00:14:47,180 --> 00:14:51,590 and we had quite good corks, but Dom Perignon invented the wire cage to go over the cork. 216 00:14:51,630 --> 00:14:54,630 - And he also did the blending. Do you drink it? - No, Guinness. 217 00:14:54,980 --> 00:14:57,799 - Do you drink it? - Guinness? No, no no. I've served it a few times; 218 00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:02,899 know how to pull it correctly, which is a piece of information that hasn't transferred over here at all... 219 00:15:02,900 --> 00:15:04,919 - Are we hopeless then? - You're useless. 220 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:09,119 You have to let it sit, you have to let it go black, and then you have to push it back so that not more gas goes into it. 221 00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:12,739 Five twelfths of an inch is the ideal head round the top. 222 00:15:12,740 --> 00:15:18,090 And if somebody paints a shamrock into it, you're allowed to stab them in the eye with a fork. 223 00:15:24,220 --> 00:15:26,569 I remember I worked in a pub in the town I grew up in, 224 00:15:26,570 --> 00:15:31,119 and they wouldn't take a Guinness off me until I'd been there for a while. 225 00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:32,099 - Really? - Yeah, yeah. 226 00:15:32,100 --> 00:15:34,440 "Oh, he's not... he doesn't know how to do it." 227 00:15:34,650 --> 00:15:36,980 Well, the pub I was in ... 228 00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:42,200 The pub I was in actually wasn't located in a movie from the 50's, but, er... 229 00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:49,630 "Is it not from the land of the bogs and the little people?" 230 00:15:49,730 --> 00:15:51,879 - No, no. - "Ah, was it not. So it wasn't." 231 00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:55,139 No, surprising, I had to work just outside the land with the bars. 232 00:15:55,140 --> 00:15:57,809 You could look over the wall from where we were, 233 00:15:57,810 --> 00:16:01,110 into where the tiny people pranced and danced. 234 00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:06,509 So, now, while we're on the continent, which figure is essential to the Christmas crib 235 00:16:06,510 --> 00:16:09,860 in Catalunya? 236 00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:13,410 Is it Barry Norman? 237 00:16:13,770 --> 00:16:17,549 One of those wild stabs in the dark, and I would so love to say, "How amazing; you're right" 238 00:16:17,550 --> 00:16:20,939 - but you're not. - I know. Is it a figure that we don't get in ours, then? 239 00:16:20,940 --> 00:16:23,210 It's a figure we don't get in our cribs. 240 00:16:23,250 --> 00:16:25,615 In the back of a Catalonian crib, 241 00:16:25,810 --> 00:16:30,390 there is always a man squatting and defecating, or a young boy, 242 00:16:30,570 --> 00:16:32,069 and very often a public figure. 243 00:16:32,070 --> 00:16:34,750 - In the middle of the ... - Yes. - By the manger? 244 00:16:34,751 --> 00:16:37,430 - With baby Jesus? - It's weird but it's true. 245 00:16:37,540 --> 00:16:40,180 - It could be Barry Norman one day then. - It could be Barry Norman. 246 00:16:40,410 --> 00:16:44,260 It's so unlikely. They've had George W Bush and they've had David Beckham. 247 00:16:44,390 --> 00:16:50,469 They have the crapper. He's called the caganer. The "Caga" is "crap" in Catalonian, 248 00:16:50,470 --> 00:16:54,035 - as it is in many other languages. - Every crib has to have a crapper? 249 00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:57,370 A true Catalonian crib will, yeah. I know you're thinking I'm making this up. 250 00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:59,399 They are a very scatological people, the Catalonians. 251 00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:04,155 They call their Christmas log the caga tio, the "shit log". 252 00:17:05,310 --> 00:17:09,609 And there's a popular Catalan phrase: before eating they say, "Menja be, 253 00:17:09,610 --> 00:17:14,280 caga fort." Eat well, shit hard. This is... 254 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:18,055 You've got the Catalan colours. 255 00:17:18,070 --> 00:17:22,770 I am wearing Catalan colours, actually, aren't I? But I'm not squirting out turds as I speak, you'll be pleased to know. 256 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:24,890 - Shit hard, Fry, shit hard! - Shit hard. Caga fort! 257 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:30,775 But anyway, erm, next question: Who got little leather boots for Christmas in Norfolk? 258 00:17:32,900 --> 00:17:36,550 - Yes? - The Norfolk gimp. 259 00:17:37,620 --> 00:17:39,650 What do we associate Norfolk with on Christmas cards? 260 00:17:40,220 --> 00:17:43,895 - Yes. - Bernard Matthews' turkeys. - Well, not his. 261 00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:47,415 Turkeys in Norfolk have a long, long history; well before Mr Matthews. 262 00:17:47,690 --> 00:17:50,280 We're going all the way back to the 16th century, the 1500's... 263 00:17:50,281 --> 00:17:53,460 - Don't show them wandering around as if that's how they live. - That's how they did. 264 00:17:53,461 --> 00:17:55,200 They drove them. That's the point. They "droved" them. 265 00:17:55,201 --> 00:17:58,649 - They don't now, they live in vast aircraft hangers, - I'm talking about... 266 00:17:58,650 --> 00:18:00,815 - pecking each other to death, - They now live... 267 00:18:00,816 --> 00:18:05,489 their legs snapping under their vast, bulbous, amphetamine, antibiotic-filled bodies. 268 00:18:05,490 --> 00:18:07,970 Sounds a bit like my house. 269 00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:12,060 But in the past they were taken from Norwich to London 270 00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:13,800 every year, for Christmas time, 271 00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:17,409 because the British habit of eating turkey for Christmas was as early as Queen Elizabeth's reign. 272 00:18:17,410 --> 00:18:20,130 Although they were first brought to Europe in 1520, 273 00:18:20,170 --> 00:18:25,060 by 1580s, Norfolk and Suffolk farmers were droving thousands of them every year. 274 00:18:25,470 --> 00:18:29,430 We bred our own turkeys in Norfolk: the Norfolk Black 275 00:18:29,540 --> 00:18:33,459 and the Holland White. Those turkeys were put on the Mayflower 276 00:18:33,460 --> 00:18:35,800 and when the Pilgrim Fathers arrived in America, 277 00:18:35,890 --> 00:18:38,050 they ate turkeys that had been bred in England. 278 00:18:38,070 --> 00:18:40,810 They didn't catch turkeys on the coast of America. 279 00:18:41,010 --> 00:18:43,349 But because their feet would go all... Awful, you know, 280 00:18:43,350 --> 00:18:46,565 so they gave them little boots. And they'd do the same with geese. 281 00:18:46,570 --> 00:18:48,725 "You can't shoe a goose"; it's an old phrase. 282 00:18:48,740 --> 00:18:52,530 So they cover them in tar and sand so they could walk without hurting themselves. 283 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:56,820 And pigs... Pigs would have little woolen boots with leather soles, the pigs. 284 00:18:57,240 --> 00:18:59,419 Isn't that nice? March them along. 285 00:18:59,420 --> 00:19:02,100 It's nice, except they're marching to their own death! 286 00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:05,010 Which you rather... Would you rather that, or... or have them in Auschwitz? 287 00:19:05,011 --> 00:19:06,789 I'm not saying that this wasn't a better way to deal with them, 288 00:19:06,790 --> 00:19:11,030 but I just wouldn't get too excited about how happy they should be to have their little present of a shoe, er... 289 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:13,539 - It's sweet. - Shoes!! - I think it's lovely. 290 00:19:13,540 --> 00:19:15,285 "Where are we going?" 291 00:19:19,900 --> 00:19:23,609 Were they on-line looking at, oh, visitlondon.com: "Oh, I can't wait to see that. 292 00:19:23,610 --> 00:19:26,170 Oh, think I might go on the Eye!" 293 00:19:26,660 --> 00:19:29,735 Well, I think they did a mile a day and they had a lovely time. 294 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:34,535 Compared to the ones now, which as you say, live in these ghastly concentration camps. 295 00:19:34,750 --> 00:19:37,455 - Why are they called turkeys? - Because they're from Turkey. 296 00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:40,029 - Do you think they're from Turkey? Is that where... - No. 297 00:19:40,030 --> 00:19:41,750 No, exactly. No. 298 00:19:42,110 --> 00:19:45,490 - The first merchants to sell them on in Europe... - Were Turkish. 299 00:19:45,630 --> 00:19:47,159 were Turkish, yeah, so they were known as Turkey-cocks. 300 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:48,870 But the weird thing is, everyone else calls them "Indian". 301 00:19:48,870 --> 00:19:52,450 The French call it d'Inde, which is from Inde, the Indies. 302 00:19:52,540 --> 00:19:57,075 The Polish call it the indyk; the Dutch call it kalkoen, the Calcutta hen. 303 00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:00,609 The Austrians call it an "Indian"; the Turks call it a "Hindi". 304 00:20:00,610 --> 00:20:03,980 In Hindi, they call it a "Peru Pakshi", a Peru bird. 305 00:20:04,020 --> 00:20:07,620 But the great original, in America, its land of origin, 306 00:20:07,980 --> 00:20:10,900 is "Fakit". Called "Fakit", er, 307 00:20:12,170 --> 00:20:13,600 in Choctaw. 308 00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:16,795 - Oh, right. - And they've now changed it 309 00:20:17,060 --> 00:20:20,850 to akank chaaha, "tall chicken", to avoid embarrassment. 310 00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:25,879 Anyway, that brings us carolling into the mad hurly-burly of General Ignorance. 311 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:31,190 So fingers on bell buzzers, and appropriately for the season, all these will have a sacred theme. 312 00:20:31,290 --> 00:20:35,030 - Now, name a saint who comes from Ireland? - Patrick. 313 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,180 - Ooh! - I don't know why I bother. 314 00:20:40,220 --> 00:20:42,040 He went to Ireland, but he didn't come from Ireland. 315 00:20:42,041 --> 00:20:45,360 None of the patron saints of Britain are from where they're supposed to be from, are they? 316 00:20:45,470 --> 00:20:47,469 - George is Palestinian, St George. - Yes. 317 00:20:47,470 --> 00:20:49,500 - And Patrick was Welsh. - British, certainly. 318 00:20:49,501 --> 00:20:53,800 - He came from around the River Severn area, apparently. - St Bernard was from a shelter. 319 00:20:55,230 --> 00:20:57,295 He was indeed! But you must be able to name some genuine saints. 320 00:20:57,296 --> 00:20:59,890 Yes. St Columba, St Bridget, St Kevin. 321 00:20:59,980 --> 00:21:01,589 St Bridget. Do you know what her great miracle was? 322 00:21:01,590 --> 00:21:05,589 Er, she laid down a cape, 'cause she had said, "I want some land to build a convent." 323 00:21:05,590 --> 00:21:08,279 They said, "Well, you can have whatever land your cape covers," 324 00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:11,970 and she laid it down, and the cape grew like ginger beer! 325 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:15,719 - Until it had taken over an entire field. - That is one of her great miracles. 326 00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:21,000 The other one, was that she could transform her used bath water into beer. 327 00:21:21,300 --> 00:21:25,000 - A very Irish sort of miracle. - That one... That one wasn't taught to us in primary school in Ireland, actually. 328 00:21:26,250 --> 00:21:27,890 - No. St Kevin? - Kevin lived half way up a mountain, 329 00:21:27,891 --> 00:21:31,229 in Glendalough, in Wicklow, and was like an Irish Francis of Assisi. 330 00:21:31,230 --> 00:21:33,019 Small animals would nest in his hands, 331 00:21:33,020 --> 00:21:36,600 and rather than crush the fecker and get on with his day, 332 00:21:36,690 --> 00:21:39,799 - he would let the bird rest there... and heal or whatever, - Yes. Brilliant. 333 00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:42,800 and he'd go, "Please, I've got stuff to do." 334 00:21:43,020 --> 00:21:45,700 Do you want to bring up any more of these scars of my childhood, right? 335 00:21:46,140 --> 00:21:49,039 It is astonishing to imagine an education like that. 336 00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:52,599 I will say this for it, though. I do remember once going out with a lady, 337 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:57,389 who was raised atheist, and an utter chore to walk around a gallery with. 338 00:21:57,390 --> 00:22:00,510 They go, "Who's the guy on the sticks?" 339 00:22:03,110 --> 00:22:07,210 And, er, "Is he the same guy who was in the shed earlier on?" 340 00:22:09,110 --> 00:22:11,470 Who is Saint Bartholomew? 341 00:22:11,620 --> 00:22:15,079 Because I went in a museum in Venice, and there was a painting of him, 342 00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:17,770 - and he's the spit of me. - Really? 343 00:22:18,330 --> 00:22:21,269 Or I was the spit of him. Anyway, it was a virtually full-size picture 344 00:22:21,270 --> 00:22:23,445 and it was uncanny and a little bit frightening, 345 00:22:23,500 --> 00:22:27,230 because he was only wearing a nappy, and he'd been shot with an arrow. 346 00:22:31,450 --> 00:22:35,790 I'm... His day is the 24th August; I know that. 347 00:22:35,980 --> 00:22:39,150 That's St Bartholomew's day and there's obviously a famous hospital in London, St Bartholomew's. 348 00:22:39,230 --> 00:22:43,740 But he's probably the reason why they say "always wear clean underwear, er, in case you're in an accident," 349 00:22:43,830 --> 00:22:47,789 because he had to go to A & E with an arrow and a nappy on, 350 00:22:47,790 --> 00:22:58,000 - and sit in the waiting room. - He waited so long they named the hospital after him. - after him, exactly! Lord! There you are. 351 00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:01,799 But a lot of them had arrows. St Sebastian was the famous one to be shot with arrows, but there are lots of... 352 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:04,285 Well, maybe it was St Sebastian. Maybe it wasn't St Bartholomew. 353 00:23:04,286 --> 00:23:08,079 There is a Mantegna St Sebastian, that does look not unlike you, it has to be said. 354 00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:10,730 - Do you know what, I think it might be St Sebastian. - I think it was St Sebastian. 355 00:23:11,230 --> 00:23:13,679 St Bartholomew's death was that he was flayed alive, 356 00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:18,399 and most paintings of St Bartholomew have him with his skin draped over his arm, his own skin. 357 00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:20,850 - No, that wasn't him. - That wasn't him, no. 358 00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:24,899 Because I've seen that statue in church and I always used to think when I was kid that 359 00:23:24,900 --> 00:23:27,690 he just had a sort of beige-coloured coat. 360 00:23:28,590 --> 00:23:30,960 - It was his own skin. - His own skin. 361 00:23:31,070 --> 00:23:34,159 Anyway, the patron saint of Ireland went to Ireland, but didn't come from there. 362 00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:37,190 He was kidnapped as a child and sold into slavery to Ireland, 363 00:23:37,190 --> 00:23:40,219 and then when he went onto the continent and became a monk, he wanted to come back to Ireland 364 00:23:40,220 --> 00:23:42,775 to convert it to Christianity and cast out snakes. 365 00:23:42,900 --> 00:23:46,760 But who painted this behind me? Talking of Italian art. 366 00:23:47,220 --> 00:23:49,225 Oh, no, you're not going to get me now. 367 00:23:51,220 --> 00:23:52,620 - I'll have a go. Shall I have a go? - Have a go, my dear. 368 00:23:52,790 --> 00:23:55,830 Was it Jackson Pollock? 369 00:23:56,700 --> 00:23:59,840 No, all right, Michelangelo! Michelangelo. 370 00:24:00,150 --> 00:24:02,529 - Oh! No no - The fingers are wrong. 371 00:24:02,530 --> 00:24:05,030 - They're wrong. Did he not do the fingers? - We could show it wider. 372 00:24:05,030 --> 00:24:07,999 - It's The Creation of Adam. There it is. - I've got it on my phone and do you know what, 373 00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:11,620 you're not supposed to take pictures, but I took one like that. 374 00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:16,959 There's a bloke there going, "No pictures! No pictures!" 375 00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:18,939 "Sebastiano!" 376 00:24:18,940 --> 00:24:21,720 "You! In the nappy." 377 00:24:23,980 --> 00:24:26,319 The Sistine Chapel is what we're looking at, of course, 378 00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:30,005 and he painted it round about 1511, Michelangelo. 379 00:24:30,060 --> 00:24:33,459 Only about forty years later, God and Adam's fingers fell off, 380 00:24:33,460 --> 00:24:37,609 so the new plaster was put in and an unknown papal restorer 381 00:24:37,610 --> 00:24:38,839 actually painted them, 382 00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:43,300 - so those bits are not by Michelangelo. - He should have done them going like that. 383 00:24:43,330 --> 00:24:46,175 - It's rather... It is rather... - God and Adam. 384 00:24:47,460 --> 00:24:52,800 Oh, for a laugh; it's only undercoat. "It's the undercoat. I having a laugh." 385 00:24:57,230 --> 00:24:58,910 Very good 386 00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:03,175 So, talking of great holy figures, when did Father Christmas die? 387 00:25:03,230 --> 00:25:07,910 Oh, come on! He's not dead, he's still ali... 388 00:25:11,550 --> 00:25:17,169 - Well, we know he's dead. - Well, I hope... I hope all the children are in bed. 389 00:25:17,170 --> 00:25:20,180 - It's all right. - There are going to be some tears now. 390 00:25:20,270 --> 00:25:24,649 We're talking about the Father Christmas who we know is dead because we've seen his entry 391 00:25:24,650 --> 00:25:29,950 in the register of the dead in the church where he lived and grew up in Dedham in Essex. 392 00:25:29,990 --> 00:25:33,699 We've actually seen it. He was an old man called Christmas. It was his surname, 393 00:25:33,700 --> 00:25:35,920 Father Christmas. There it's written; I hope you can see it there. And this... 394 00:25:36,150 --> 00:25:38,499 I knew a girl from Essex called Laura Christmas. 395 00:25:38,500 --> 00:25:41,399 Exactly. Christmas is a common surname in Essex. 396 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:46,830 So this poor Father Christmas here died on May 30th, 1564. 397 00:25:47,350 --> 00:25:52,570 There was a Roger Christmas of Sussex in 1200, the earliest Christmas found in British records. 398 00:25:52,580 --> 00:25:55,390 There's still about a thousand people in the phone books called Christmas, 399 00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:58,240 in Essex, Surrey, Cambridgeshire, London, and Sussex. 400 00:25:58,330 --> 00:26:03,360 - I remember when I was a kid there was someone in the phone book called Mr Bastard, right? - Yes. 401 00:26:04,150 --> 00:26:07,040 And we used to phone him and go, "Hello, is Dave there please?" 402 00:26:07,050 --> 00:26:11,790 And he'd go, "There isn't anyone here called Dave." And we'd go, "Oh, must be some other Bastard, then." 403 00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:17,340 Surely you could come up with a good Christmas one to do. 404 00:26:17,340 --> 00:26:20,419 Well, they used to ring up Jesus College; they would call it up on Christmas Day 405 00:26:20,420 --> 00:26:22,699 and say, "Is that Jesus? And the porter will go, "Yes." 406 00:26:22,700 --> 00:26:26,009 "Happy birthday to you... 407 00:26:26,010 --> 00:26:28,435 Really annoying for him. 408 00:26:28,590 --> 00:26:31,379 Very silly. But anyway, it was an old English habit 409 00:26:31,380 --> 00:26:33,939 to call people "Father" if you didn't know their name and they were an old man, 410 00:26:33,940 --> 00:26:37,180 like Father Smith and Father William, and he was known as Father Christmas, 411 00:26:37,181 --> 00:26:38,575 and that's how he's written in the book. 412 00:26:38,690 --> 00:26:42,319 And it was before, of course, Santa Claus was known as Father Christmas, 413 00:26:42,320 --> 00:26:44,920 so it didn't, obviously, seem like a joke to them. 414 00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:46,959 'Dve been great if his wife had been named Mary. 415 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:49,980 Mary Christmas? Merry Christmas! 416 00:26:50,090 --> 00:26:52,529 Very good. Lovely lovely lovely. 417 00:26:52,530 --> 00:26:54,580 And there you are. 418 00:26:55,370 --> 00:26:57,160 Anyway. Do you know where Santa Claus came from, by the way? 419 00:26:57,290 --> 00:27:00,199 - Is it a German thing, or is it... ? - Not Germany, no. Where St Nicholas, the saint... 420 00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:02,170 - Russia. - No. - Catalonia, You've been a bad child this year. 421 00:27:02,171 --> 00:27:05,325 - and he's actually having a dump. - No. 422 00:27:05,450 --> 00:27:08,380 You've been a bad child this year. 423 00:27:09,900 --> 00:27:11,050 - No, it's not there. - Turkey. 424 00:27:11,051 --> 00:27:13,240 "Turkey" is the right answer! 425 00:27:13,500 --> 00:27:15,280 He was a Turkish saint. 426 00:27:16,500 --> 00:27:19,119 And on that happy note, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to go home. 427 00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:21,589 So let's see what's in your party bag, shall we? 428 00:27:21,590 --> 00:27:28,115 Oh, my goodness me. It's champagne for Dara, with two points! 429 00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:36,280 And it's Spanish brandy for Rich, with minus nine! 430 00:27:40,740 --> 00:27:45,690 - Why are you clapping? - It's cooking sherry-- - I have minus nine and they're applauding! 431 00:27:46,010 --> 00:27:51,250 And it's cooking sherry for Jo Brand, with minus seventeen! 432 00:27:55,630 --> 00:27:59,870 And with minus fifty-three, it's a... 433 00:27:59,940 --> 00:28:05,980 It's a can of Special Brew and a train home for Alan Davies! 434 00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:16,870 My very special spicy mulled thanks to Rich, Dara, Jo, and Alan, 435 00:28:16,870 --> 00:28:21,560 and I leave you with this seasonal mince pie from the great black American comic Dick Gregory. 436 00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:25,165 "I never believed in Santa Claus, because I knew no white dude would come 437 00:28:25,166 --> 00:28:29,350 into my neighborhood after dark." Good night. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net