1 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:31,120 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 2 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:37,960 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, ladies and gentlemen, 3 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:40,480 and welcome to The QI Grill. 4 00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:46,920 Tonight's guests are hungry to begin, so let's go straight through and start eating. 5 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:52,760 - For starters, it's Jimmy Carr. - APPLAUSE Thank you very much. 6 00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:57,680 And the consomme professional, Johnny Vegas. 7 00:00:57,680 --> 00:01:00,200 APPLAUSE 8 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:06,000 A substantial main course, Phill Jupitus. 9 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:08,920 APPLAUSE 10 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:13,440 And of course, a sweet little pudding, Alan Davies. 11 00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:16,640 APPLAUSE 12 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:25,680 But first, a small amuse bouche or "amuse booze" with the compliments of the house. Jimmy goes... 13 00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:31,560 # Food, glorious food We're anxious to try it... # 14 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:36,880 - Phill goes... - # Did you steal it? 15 00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:40,360 # There's nothing left to eat... # 16 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:44,920 And Johnny goes... 17 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:49,560 # Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam 18 00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:53,400 # Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam... 19 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:57,040 # And then I trampled nine women 20 00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:59,600 # To get to the bar... # 21 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:02,560 Thank you. And Alan goes... 22 00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:06,840 # Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit 23 00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:10,120 # Yack-yack, rabbit, yack-yack, rabbit... # 24 00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:15,200 - What's that smell? - Sorry. 25 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:19,080 - LAUGHTER - It's not you. It's an elephant. 26 00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:21,360 # Yack-yack, rabbit... # 27 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:24,400 There's an elephant in the room. 28 00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:31,200 There will be one coming up on the menu some time tonight, and it's bonuses if you catch my eye. 29 00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,240 Let's move on. 30 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:37,280 'What happens in the Rhubarb Triangle?' 31 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:43,560 I don't think I'm allowed to call it the Rhubarb Triangle any more. 32 00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:48,160 - That wasn't custard, that was some sort of yeast infection. - Eugh! 33 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:50,440 LAUGHTER 34 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:53,120 You bad man! 35 00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:55,840 The Rhubarb Triangle, hmm! 36 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:58,360 M'lady! 37 00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:02,400 - The leaves are poisonous. - Good point. That is true. 38 00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:07,000 We were always told as children, "Don't eat the leaves." 39 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:14,040 - Just don't eat the leaves of rhubarb? - Yeah. - That's where I've been going wrong. 40 00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:18,400 - You thought it meant ALL leaves. - Badness. - Yes. 41 00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:23,040 Rhubarb leaves make your mouth numb and enough of them, you can die. 42 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:26,360 The Rhubarb Triangle, we're no closer? 43 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:30,800 Do marzipan fighter planes go missing? 44 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:35,720 Do they not pick anything up on the liquorice radar? 45 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:41,240 They suddenly start talking nonsense and gingerbread men, good men... 46 00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:47,040 - Brave. - ..who fought in the pudding wars just vanished. 47 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:52,440 Their wives are holding their eyes going, "This is all they found!" 48 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:58,880 I want to live in your world, Johnny Vegas. It's a wonderful idea, but it is a triangle. 49 00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:03,160 - It's an actual place like the Bermuda Triangle? - It is. 50 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:08,440 - Dare I suggest they grow rhubarb there? - Yes, in a very special way. 51 00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:11,280 Does rhubarb grow incredibly quick? 52 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:16,080 It can be made to grow in a more remarkable way than nature intended 53 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:20,320 and that's what happens in the Rhubarb Triangle. 54 00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:26,560 - Up north? - We are up north. - We're up north growing rhubarb quickly. - Where would we be? 55 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:29,160 - Yorkshire. - Yorkshire. - Yeah. 56 00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:34,680 It's a triangle made from Leeds, Bradford and Wakefield. 57 00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:40,880 - So it's quite a small triangle. - Leeds to Bradford is like from here to Jimmy! 58 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:48,400 - It's a small scalene triangle. How do they grow it? - Forced marriages amongst rhubarb. - Forced is right. 59 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:51,320 - They force the rhubarb. - At gunpoint. 60 00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:59,200 - It's the great rhubarb forcing capital of the world. - They force it? What are you talking about? 61 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:06,000 - You leave it outside for two years. - To teach it a bloody lesson! - What if it's heartbroken? 62 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:11,040 - Then you bring it into the dark. - And you make love! - Absolute dark. 63 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:15,640 - You make love to it and... - In heated, dark rooms, 64 00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:18,520 it grows at extraordinary rates 65 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:25,200 because none of its energy and nutrients go to making leaves to capture sunlight cos it's dark. 66 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:28,720 They shoot up. You can actually hear them grow. 67 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:33,760 In the forcing rooms, there's this creaking sound of rhubarb growing. 68 00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:38,840 - And they provide 90% of all winter rhubarb. - 90%? - In that one triangle. 69 00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:45,880 - Now, we never grew rhubarb that way in the 1839-1842 time. - No, we didn't. 70 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:50,200 Do you remember what war we were engaged in then? 71 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:54,440 - Opium War. - It was. We tried to flood China with opium. 72 00:05:54,440 --> 00:06:00,840 They fought back not wanting to be filled with our opium, but we imported rhubarb from China. 73 00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:03,360 Rhubarb was useful as a laxative 74 00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:09,200 and the Imperial Chinese Commissioner Lin Zexu wrote to Queen Victoria, 75 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:14,040 warning that unless the British stopped supplying opium to China, 76 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:21,040 he would cut off rhubarb supplies to Britain, killing everyone through mass constipation. 77 00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:27,360 The Queen never had the letter translated, so she risked the entire nation being bunged up. 78 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:31,400 Now, Corn Flakes were invented by accident. 79 00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:35,320 But what were they originally used for? 80 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:37,840 # Food, glorious food... # 81 00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:42,040 Originally, they were the world's most difficult jigsaw. 82 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:46,680 It was for putting in mattresses for monks 83 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:51,200 as an anti-masturbation sound trigger device. 84 00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:55,480 - They had... - Johnny Vegas, take some points! 85 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:58,600 You're joking! 86 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:02,000 - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Unbelievable! 87 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:05,280 Well... 88 00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:12,480 You didn't get it precisely right, but they were originally designed to discourage masturbation. 89 00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:16,120 They were... It's absolutely true. 90 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:22,640 Not by the noise you would make if they were a filling for a mattress, which is a reasonable idea, 91 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:28,480 but it was John Harvey Kellogg and his brother who had the Battle Creek Sanitarium... 92 00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:33,360 There's John Harvey, I think, but they hated masturbation. 93 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:36,360 - They made gloves out of 'em. - No. 94 00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:41,400 That would be a lacerating experience, I grant you, 95 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:45,720 - but no, it's... - Whereas Coco Pops, oh! 96 00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:52,440 - Every exam I sat at school... - You masturbated with Corn Flakes? - I put "masturbation" as an answer. 97 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:59,200 I walked away with nothing, but stuck with that idea and it's paid off, it's paid off! 98 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:06,440 You're right. What happened was they had been rolling out wheat dough and they left some overnight. 99 00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:13,040 It broke off into flakes and they discovered that some patients enjoyed it with cold milk. 100 00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:18,080 And Kellogg was convinced that cereals taken in huge quantities 101 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:24,120 would act against the libido and stop the deleterious practice of masturbation 102 00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:31,160 which he thought caused "acne, heart disease, atrophy of the testes, dimness of vision, 103 00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:34,000 "epilepsy, insanity and... 104 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:38,280 - "short-sightedness." - LAUGHTER 105 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:43,320 If I have Coco Pops, I'll run out and shag a hole in the wall. 106 00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:50,760 They don't put that on the packet, do they? That's never been their marketing policy. "Coco Pops..." 107 00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:56,480 - This might get you excited too, but Kellogg also advocated enemas. - Oh! 108 00:08:56,480 --> 00:09:00,360 Visitors to his sanitarium would follow a water enema 109 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:04,880 with a pint of yogurt, half of it taken orally and half anally. 110 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:08,360 Well, you want to sort out which is which! 111 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:11,040 Good smoothie. 112 00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:14,240 Would it shift bacon rind? 113 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:19,360 - Would it shift bacon rind?! - It was a question. Never mind. 114 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:25,680 - It was nothing. - No, it was important. - Let's wait till we holiday in Paris! 115 00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:30,720 So the Kellogg brothers hoped Corn Flakes would prevent masturbation. 116 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:35,120 - What happens if you only eat rabbit? - # Food, glorious food... # 117 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:41,200 I'd imagine, eventually, if you eat enough of it, your feet become lucky. 118 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:44,040 I like it. Any other thoughts? 119 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:48,720 - You die. - Why so? - It's a nothing meat. - It's full of protein, 120 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:52,280 but there is very little oil and vitamins. 121 00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:58,880 Do your children kill you? Cos you come home yet again and go, "Sorry, Fluffy's passed away. 122 00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:06,760 "I was giving her a lovely hot bath with some onions and carrots and she just slipped off, I'm afraid." 123 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:13,560 Do you have really bad nightmares that there's a compulsory purchase order on your street 124 00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:16,080 and you go, "They're coming"? 125 00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:22,360 People start singing Bright Eyes and a bulldozer turns up and kills your nan? 126 00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:28,680 That's not what I've got on the card. Nothing about nans. Phill is right. 127 00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:32,520 - Phill has given the answer. You die. - You die? 128 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:40,120 The Hudson's Bay Company recorded cases of trappers dying who were feasting plentifully on rabbits. 129 00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:47,720 - The more they eat, the sooner they died. Why do you think that was? - Were the rabbits cursed? - No. 130 00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:53,760 No, the reason is that you use vitamins and minerals in order to digest. 131 00:10:53,760 --> 00:11:01,400 The more you eat, the more vitamins and minerals you use up and excrete, the faster you die of malnutrition. 132 00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:08,040 Many trappers died. If they'd had a tiny bit of vegetables, they would have survived. 133 00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:15,120 - They thought, "We're eating rabbit, it's full of protein." - My dad killed my rabbit and fed it to me. 134 00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:18,680 Perhaps he was trying to kill you, Johnny. 135 00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:23,080 Well, the 39 other rabbits he'd bought in. 136 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:27,040 - I'm very sorry your rabbit died. - No, you're not. 137 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:34,320 It seems to me to explain a great deal. Do you remember what disease rabbits got in the '60s and '70s? 138 00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:36,680 Myxomatosis. 139 00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:43,080 - If you ate a rabbit that was... - Mixy. - ..what would it do to you? - Go blind? 140 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:46,240 No, it would do no harm to a human. 141 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:51,600 - If you ate enough of them, you would die. - If you ate nothing but rabbit. 142 00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:56,160 As long as you had vegetables, you could eat as many as you like. 143 00:11:56,160 --> 00:12:00,400 It's when you have nothing but rabbit that you die. 144 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:06,960 Louis XVIII of France had the remarkable ability to tell, just by smelling a rabbit stew, 145 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:10,960 which part of France the rabbit had been killed in. 146 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:18,240 - Was it more that he'd say, "This one's from Burgundy," and they'd go, "Yes!" - "Because you're the King." 147 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:20,720 "You have an incredible ability." 148 00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:26,120 - You may be right. - "We didn't find it in the field out the back(!)" 149 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:29,680 I have a horrible feeling you are right. 150 00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:35,640 Two rabbits starting a family could have 33 million offspring in just three years. 151 00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:38,600 They don't get the benefit payouts. 152 00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:44,840 Do you know why that doesn't happen? 90% of baby rabbits are eaten by predators. 153 00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:47,800 Who presumably die. 154 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:54,120 Yes. You haven't really grasped the idea that if you eat NOTHING BUT rabbit, you die. 155 00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:59,520 Eating rabbit itself will not kill you. You have to eat ONLY rabbit. 156 00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:02,360 Is that now clear in your mind? 157 00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:07,200 Are you telling me that the kestrel gets some peas and carrots? 158 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:14,560 - It gets other animals too. - They have the nutrients? - They do. - Shrew, hmm, lots of vitamin C in a shrew! 159 00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:20,080 It's like a little furry capsule of Sunny D. Good vitamin eating! 160 00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:24,960 They eat the whole shrew, so they get everything the shrew eats. 161 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:30,880 - Shrews only eat rabbits. - No, they don't. You're picking on me and I won't have it! 162 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:33,640 When did rabbits arrive in Britain? 163 00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:36,000 Tuesday. 164 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:40,080 Do you remember what year it was? 165 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:44,440 3,000 years ago. Tuesday morning. 166 00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:47,160 # Spam, spam, spam... # 167 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:51,320 There's an elephant in this question. 168 00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:53,840 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 169 00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:59,680 Did one of them rebel against Hannibal 170 00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:03,680 and ride an elephant into this country 171 00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:10,680 and, um, people were so awestruck by the tiny rabbit riding the elephant 172 00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:14,920 that they gave him a chain of restaurants to manage, 173 00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:21,680 but he realised his life was elsewhere like most middle-class people leaving college... 174 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:24,320 My headache's come back! 175 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:26,880 The short answer to that is no. 176 00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:30,280 - The long answer is... - BLEEP - ..no. 177 00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:33,960 So... 178 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:39,000 In fact, rabbits were introduced into this country by the Normans 179 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:43,640 probably in the 12th century, so not at the Battle of Hastings. 180 00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:48,640 "These are the Britons, these are the rabbits." Was it quite formal? 181 00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:52,680 Not so much the Britons as the Saxons, I suppose. 182 00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:58,120 - They were introduced... - They were introduced formally. - In French. 183 00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:02,360 Did the Britons find them stand-offish and judgmental? 184 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:07,680 FRENCH ACCENT: "We better not eat all the rabbits or we die!" 185 00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:11,200 You still haven't quite got the point. 186 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:18,320 - We could eat all the rabbits we like... - As long as we have some peas and carrots! - Thank you. 187 00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:20,440 APPLAUSE 188 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:24,640 Thank you. Finally, everybody has got the point. 189 00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:31,080 But when rabbits were introduced into Britain, they were kept in warrens run by... 190 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:33,200 Elephants! 191 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:39,520 ..people called warreners and they didn't go wild in the countryside until the 19th century. 192 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:43,440 - Thursday. - Thursday, the 19th century, exactly. 193 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:48,400 So there were 600 years between the introduction of rabbits to Britain 194 00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:53,120 and they becoming a wild animal seen all over our fields. 195 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:58,160 I think we may have exhausted our rabbit subject and I've enjoyed it, 196 00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:03,800 but the point is this - if you eat NOTHING BUT rabbit, you die. 197 00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:09,840 Now to the vegetarian option. Macadamia nuts are not all picked from trees, 198 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:13,360 but they also drop onto the ground. 199 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:19,480 What kind of dropping would you search for the tasty and nutritious mongongo nut in? 200 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:21,920 # Food, glorious food... # 201 00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:29,320 - I don't know, but macadamia sounds like a Scottish university. - Very good. Very clever. 202 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:34,240 - Where would you find the mongongo nut? - In Africa, I would say. 203 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:41,120 - In Africa? - Yeah. - Are they in monkey poo? - No, they're not. - Are they in something's business though? 204 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:45,520 - They are found in something's business. - Yes! 205 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:51,040 - APPLAUSE - Well done. 206 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:56,680 The points will be shared between you. You're absolutely right. 207 00:16:56,680 --> 00:17:03,240 - Elephant dung is full of nuts? - Yes. It takes a week to pass through their bodies. - Imagine that! 208 00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:06,520 "I'll see you... I'll see you Friday." 209 00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:10,080 Looks like their arses are about to sing! 210 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:19,040 Very good. Yes, they go through the elephant's system where they remain intact. 211 00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:25,240 - They are then gathered... - Who first gathered that nut? - I guess they saw it drying in the dung. 212 00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:30,680 - Do we know what they taste like? - Yes, they're a bit more like a cashew, 213 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:34,240 but they're related to the macadamia nut. 214 00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:39,160 - I like cashews. - I'd love to serve a pile of elephant poo at Christmas 215 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:45,200 and watch the family work their way through it going, "Don't spoil your dinner." 216 00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:52,160 Everyone sat round the table smelling of shit! 217 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:58,680 - It's a lovely Christmas... - "Well, he puts out the finest nuts. I hear he gathers them himself." 218 00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:04,960 Indeed. So the mongongo nut is collected from piles of elephant droppings 219 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:09,200 which brings us all shuffling downstairs in our pyjamas 220 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:13,600 to the ill-stocked refrigerator that is general ignorance. 221 00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:17,440 What were the first animals to be herded for food? 222 00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:24,520 - # Food, glorious food... # The first ones would have been an experiment, so it would've been guinea pigs. - Ah! 223 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:30,120 - Very good. - Goats. - Not goats. - # Did you steal it...? # - Yes? 224 00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:33,640 - Chickens? - No. - # Spam, spam, spam... # 225 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:39,320 - HOOTER I've done it again! - Yes, Johnny? - T-Rexes. 226 00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:42,160 - Oh! - Pterodactyls? 227 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:44,680 - No. - Godzilla? 228 00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:48,280 - If I tell you the Latin... - Eggs, eggs! 229 00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:51,760 They were easy to move round the field. 230 00:18:53,000 --> 00:19:00,360 - No. - You could be a very lazy shepherd. - If I tell you the Latin name, would that help? Helix helix. 231 00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:04,520 - Helix helix? - They've got a spiral on them. 232 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:11,680 - The audience knows... - Snails! - Thank you for telling Alan. - They herded snails? That must've taken ages. 233 00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:15,240 All they had to do was build a wall. 234 00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:19,280 Snail farming seems to date back to 10,700 BC, 235 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:24,640 the earliest things archaeologists have found that we appeared to farm. 236 00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:31,080 - An archaeologist on a dig site found a snail and went, "Oh, look"? - That's not quite... 237 00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:35,640 "I've found a tiny snail farm. Send more money, Mother." 238 00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:41,720 - They dug up a bunch of snails and went, "They must have been farmed"? - "I have proof!" 239 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:48,640 They wouldn't just say that, "We've found some snail shells, therefore it's a farm." One assumes... 240 00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:55,320 - They found a tiny plastic fence and tiny plastic animals. - And some sheepdog bones near it. 241 00:19:55,320 --> 00:20:00,000 - And a die-cast man with a whistle going... - Exactly right. 242 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:06,960 - Tell me about snails' sex lives. - They do it by themselves, don't they? - They're all hermaphrodites. 243 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:14,120 Did they find some spinach that someone has grown for the first time ever and just dug round there, 244 00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:17,720 leaving their mess like dirty snail teenagers? 245 00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:23,400 Possibly. They do dance and kiss for up to 20 hours before sex. 246 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:28,520 I know they do, but, you know, why do it on the plant? 247 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:31,240 Yeah. Good. 248 00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:35,120 "It's my first harvest!" 249 00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:42,280 - They have an optional... - You fork out on a grow bag and you feel life is gonna be different, don't you? 250 00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:48,160 Snails have an optional sexual organ. D'you know what it's called? 251 00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:55,880 - They can use it for sex, but they don't always because it's dangerous. - A second arse. - Second arse?! 252 00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:01,280 It's called a love dart, actually. 253 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:05,000 - A love dart? - That's a happy coincidence! 254 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:09,560 - It's more like a 7 to 11 millimetre dagger. - Well, exactly. 255 00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:14,240 - This is uncanny. - It releases chemicals to stimulate the mate. 256 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:18,280 - They stab their mate with the love dart. - Beautiful. 257 00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:23,320 - It can result in injury if carried out inaccurately. - Of course. - Agh! 258 00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:30,200 - Exactly. - "Should've done it in daylight!" - Sounds like an episode of Midsomer Murders! 259 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:34,440 It doubles the chance of offspring, using the love dart. 260 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:38,800 A bit like playing an elephant, it increases your options. 261 00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:45,080 - Why don't they like salt? - It does something to their slimy bits. You salt a snail and... Eugh! 262 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:51,920 Why has it never been on Dragons' Den? There must be a chemical compound you can put on a tape. 263 00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:56,960 You don't want to put salt on the ground when you're growing anything. 264 00:21:56,960 --> 00:22:00,840 There must be something that's not damaging to the soil 265 00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:07,840 - that would give the same chemical reaction to a slug or a snail. - I'm in, but I'm gonna need control! 266 00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:11,680 I will give you £1 for 100% of the equity. 267 00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:15,160 That's a brilliant idea. 268 00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:18,280 - It's salt on Sellotape! - Yes. 269 00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:22,080 I'll take that pound! 270 00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:25,560 And live the dream. 271 00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:30,560 - Let's never look back. - Oh, dear! 272 00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:35,120 It might blow away. We should've used double-sided! 273 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:41,480 Yes, snails seem to have been the first animals to be herded for food 274 00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:47,520 which is enough to make one feel quite ill, so what causes stomach ulcers? 275 00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:52,200 - # Spam, spam, spam... # - Yes? - God, I went for this test! 276 00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:58,040 - It's not the lining of the walls. It's overactive bacteria. - You're right. 277 00:22:58,040 --> 00:23:02,360 It is a bacteria. It's called Helicobacter pylori. 278 00:23:02,360 --> 00:23:08,360 - And it's like a volcano, a fire. - No, that's the Gaviscon advertisement. 279 00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:13,440 And brushes come into your tummy and clean up. 280 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:17,040 Yeah, it was for a long time believed 281 00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:21,640 that ulcers were caused by a mixture of bad diet and stress, 282 00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:26,280 but two Australian doctors did remarkable research. 283 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:32,840 They were laughed at for suggesting it was this bacterium, then one drank a dish of this bacterium. 284 00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:37,680 He downed it for a bet? That sounds like Aussie doctors! 285 00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:43,920 - "Will you drink this?" "Yeah, mate." - It was a good bet. He got 750,000 for the Nobel Prize. 286 00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:47,520 He got the Nobel Prize for downing a drink? 287 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:54,720 For proving the origins of what was the biggest killer of young men in the world, so rather important. 288 00:23:54,720 --> 00:24:02,000 You could now clear up a peptic ulcer with antibiotics, rather than die of it, which is a good thing. 289 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,600 That is worthy of a Nobel Prize. 290 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:11,160 I refused the treatment because I prefer to think I've got sea monkeys living in my stomach. 291 00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:18,800 - Did you get a Nobel Prize for that thought? - No, and I got nothing for eating that glass in a rugby pub! 292 00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:25,240 Life is so unfair. His name was Barry Marshall. And he risked his own life, of course. 293 00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:30,280 But Article 5 of the Nuremberg Code, set up after the Nuremberg Trials, 294 00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:36,840 says it is illegal to use human subjects for medical experiments when there is a risk of death, 295 00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:39,600 the only exception being...? 296 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:42,640 # Spam, spam, spam... # 297 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:45,800 Putting a fly's head on yours. 298 00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:56,600 - It makes your wife very nervous. She's got to go out in the garden and find a little bit... - Absolutely. 299 00:24:56,600 --> 00:25:00,280 - If you do it on yourself. - You can do it on yourself. 300 00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:06,960 When the guy downed this thing and he got a massive ulcer, did they find the cure immediately? 301 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:13,400 - Or did his mate go, "I'll work on that"? - No, they knew it could be cured by antibiotics. 302 00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:18,440 Or you send off for some female sea monkeys and they just calm down. 303 00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:25,760 Werner Forssmann also experimented on himself - first person to insert a catheter into somebody's heart. 304 00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:33,440 His own heart. He inserted the tube through his arm into his heart and X-rayed it to prove what he'd done. 305 00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:37,600 It lost him his job, but he won the 1956 Nobel Prize. 306 00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:43,320 - There's a theme emerging. £750,000, that prize is. - Who sacks a man for that? 307 00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:46,240 "Oh, not you again! 308 00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:50,160 "You're the one with the yogurt in his arse!" 309 00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:53,920 Enough already. 310 00:25:53,920 --> 00:26:00,960 Bacteria are the cause of stomach ulcers as Barry Marshall proved by infecting himself with them. 311 00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:05,680 Which green vegetable has ten times more iron than average? 312 00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:12,920 - I don't know, but you have to eat it if you're having rabbit. - Very true. - I do know that. - Very true. 313 00:26:12,920 --> 00:26:16,640 Goes well with rabbit. Any other thoughts? 314 00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:20,840 - # Spam, spam, spam... # - Spinach! 315 00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:24,320 - HOOTER - Oh, hard luck. 316 00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:26,320 Broccoli. 317 00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:29,120 HOOTER 318 00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:36,080 - Oh, dear. - Seaweed. - That's more intelligent, but still not true. 319 00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:42,720 I call it a vegetable, rather than animal or mineral, but it's better known as a culinary addition. 320 00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:47,000 - Parsley. - Like parsley. A herb. - Coriander. - Horseradish. 321 00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:50,600 - Sage. - I can't give you any more TIME! 322 00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:53,040 - Is it thyme? - Thank you. 323 00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:57,160 - Why does your body need it? - Cos it'll go all floppy. 324 00:26:57,160 --> 00:27:03,200 - What does iron do? - It helps the red blood cells transmit oxygen. - You're right. 325 00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:07,320 It transports from the lungs around the body. Very good. 326 00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:13,680 If you ate 3.5 ounces of thyme, you'd consume over 600% of your recommended daily allowance. 327 00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:20,000 - Does that mean you could then eat rabbit for six days? - It probably would, yes. 328 00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:27,440 I'd let you do that. So, unless anyone would like a coffee or liqueur, it's time to split the tab. 329 00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:31,160 And what do we find? Well, in first place, 330 00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:35,000 getting Michelin stars, would you believe... 331 00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:38,560 ..it's Alan Davies with minus 2! 332 00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:40,600 APPLAUSE 333 00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:43,040 Well... 334 00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:47,600 our sous-chef with minus 3 points is Johnny Vegas! 335 00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:50,160 APPLAUSE 336 00:27:52,360 --> 00:27:58,880 And barely scraping a GCSE in Home Economics with minus 6 points is Jimmy Carr! 337 00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:02,280 APPLAUSE 338 00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:10,560 Finally, left washing the pots with minus 21, Phill Jupitus! 339 00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:13,080 APPLAUSE 340 00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:23,800 That's it from Jimmy, Johnny, Phil, Alan and me and from Dick Cavett 341 00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:27,640 who says, "I eat at this German Chinese restaurant. 342 00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:33,880 "The food is delicious, but half an hour later, you're hungry for power!" Good night. 343 00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:54,920 Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2007 344 00:28:54,920 --> 00:28:57,960 Email us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net