1 00:00:23,410 --> 00:00:26,610 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:26,610 --> 00:00:29,130 CHEERING 3 00:00:31,850 --> 00:00:35,130 Jambo! Jambo! Jambo! Jambo! 4 00:00:35,130 --> 00:00:38,410 And welcome aboard the SS QI 5 00:00:38,410 --> 00:00:42,450 as we slip our moorings and go exploring. 6 00:00:42,450 --> 00:00:49,290 - Joining me at the captain's table tonight are the utterly intrepid Sean Lock! - Hello. 7 00:00:49,290 --> 00:00:53,250 The completely indomitable Rich Hall. 8 00:00:53,250 --> 00:00:55,770 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 9 00:00:59,370 --> 00:01:03,410 The entirely indispensable Bill Bailey! 10 00:01:03,410 --> 00:01:06,330 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:01:07,330 --> 00:01:11,850 And the quite frankly indescribable Alan Davies! 12 00:01:11,850 --> 00:01:14,370 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 13 00:01:16,490 --> 00:01:20,050 Now, before we strike out into the unknown, 14 00:01:20,050 --> 00:01:24,570 don't forget our special E series, Elephant in the Room bonus. 15 00:01:24,570 --> 00:01:27,090 - LOUD TRUMPETING - That's the one. 16 00:01:27,090 --> 00:01:31,530 Could win one of you pioneers ten glass beads. 17 00:01:31,530 --> 00:01:37,370 Is this what people use when they're meeting an elephant in an airport? 18 00:01:38,850 --> 00:01:42,170 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 19 00:01:44,530 --> 00:01:50,130 - Anyway, hats off! It's time to warm to our theme. - What are these for? 20 00:01:50,130 --> 00:01:56,410 - These are for keeping away flies. It's a fly whisk. - It's like Phil Spector. 21 00:01:56,410 --> 00:01:58,650 LAUGHTER 22 00:01:58,650 --> 00:02:01,170 I've got Kate Moss over here. 23 00:02:01,170 --> 00:02:03,850 LAUGHTER 24 00:02:03,850 --> 00:02:06,610 Very good. 25 00:02:06,610 --> 00:02:10,650 IN HIGH VOICE: Oh, Pete, I'm so bored! 26 00:02:16,490 --> 00:02:19,290 Come over here! I'll shoot ya! 27 00:02:21,090 --> 00:02:23,730 How do we sound? Sean goes... 28 00:02:23,730 --> 00:02:26,330 THEME MUSIC: "Star Trek" 29 00:02:29,330 --> 00:02:31,370 Rich goes... 30 00:02:31,370 --> 00:02:33,930 THEME MUSIC: "Indiana Jones" 31 00:02:33,930 --> 00:02:36,450 Very appropriate. 32 00:02:38,610 --> 00:02:41,330 Yes, thank you. And Bill goes... 33 00:02:41,330 --> 00:02:43,850 FAST-TEMPO THEME MUSIC 34 00:02:46,130 --> 00:02:48,650 And Alan goes... 35 00:02:48,650 --> 00:02:51,210 THEME MUSIC: "Steptoe And Son" 36 00:02:52,690 --> 00:02:55,210 LAUGHTER 37 00:02:55,210 --> 00:03:02,450 So, if everyone has their map and their compasses and a keen pair of mosquito net pants, 38 00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:07,490 let's plunge into the unfamiliar country that is question one. 39 00:03:07,490 --> 00:03:12,530 One of the biggest problems faced by explorers is that of language. 40 00:03:12,530 --> 00:03:20,330 Alan and Bill, I would like you two to imagine that you are two of the Pilgrim Fathers 41 00:03:20,330 --> 00:03:25,370 - who arrived on The Mayflower on the coast of America. - Right. 42 00:03:25,370 --> 00:03:32,490 And I would like Rich and Sean to imagine that you are native Americans who meet them. 43 00:03:32,490 --> 00:03:39,530 - How would you communicate? - I would immediately read from the Book of Common Prayer. 44 00:03:39,530 --> 00:03:43,290 - Hail, savage. - LAUGHTER 45 00:03:43,290 --> 00:03:46,610 Hi. How are you? 46 00:03:46,610 --> 00:03:48,650 LAUGHTER 47 00:03:49,770 --> 00:03:55,730 - What's that? A Toby jug? - Yes. - "Where's the pub?" - Foaming pint of beer. 48 00:03:57,290 --> 00:03:59,850 Who-pati, hapa-temity, etivity... 49 00:03:59,850 --> 00:04:02,530 Never Mind The Buzzcocks. 50 00:04:04,490 --> 00:04:06,970 Bloody hell! 51 00:04:06,970 --> 00:04:09,650 Jonathan Creek! 52 00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:12,290 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 53 00:04:15,930 --> 00:04:20,970 Hapa-day-pata, I can't believe my eyes! 54 00:04:20,970 --> 00:04:26,490 Not just Never Mind The Buzzcocks, other things as well. 55 00:04:26,490 --> 00:04:31,570 I do stand-up. Blah-blah-blah! Ha-ha-ha-ha! And piano! 56 00:04:31,570 --> 00:04:34,330 Playing in hotels. 57 00:04:34,330 --> 00:04:38,730 You think you're the first explorers here, don't you? 58 00:04:38,730 --> 00:04:43,050 Where do you think these eyeglasses came from? 59 00:04:43,050 --> 00:04:49,530 The extraordinary thing is, between them, Rich and Bill are absolutely right. 60 00:04:49,530 --> 00:04:55,770 The first thing said by a native American who met the Plymouth Brethren was - 61 00:04:55,770 --> 00:05:00,250 "Could I have some beer?" He asked for beer in English. 62 00:05:00,250 --> 00:05:06,610 - The Indian did? - Yes. He spoke fluent English. He'd crossed the Atlantic six times. 63 00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:12,690 In 1620, the Pilgrim Fathers were not the first people to land in America. 64 00:05:12,690 --> 00:05:16,930 - It's a trick question. - Yes. His name was Squanto. 65 00:05:16,930 --> 00:05:21,090 But this particular one was called Samoset. 66 00:05:21,090 --> 00:05:25,450 IN WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: Somerset? 67 00:05:25,450 --> 00:05:29,610 What did he say then? "Get off my land!" 68 00:05:29,610 --> 00:05:32,650 Have you got some cider? 69 00:05:32,650 --> 00:05:36,850 You bloody Pilgrim Fathers! Get off my land! 70 00:05:36,850 --> 00:05:43,490 - He learned his English from fishermen and Squanto. - And The Archers? - Probably. 71 00:05:43,490 --> 00:05:50,610 - "Are you Buzzcocks?" - But instead of getting beer, he got cheese and a bit of duck. 72 00:05:50,610 --> 00:05:57,050 They helped them survive their first year because they had nothing to eat. 73 00:05:57,050 --> 00:06:04,090 - All there was was Maine lobster which they thought was hideous. - But they were about to starve 74 00:06:04,090 --> 00:06:09,450 - and then they said, "Here's some turkey." - Yes. And some cranberries. 75 00:06:09,450 --> 00:06:13,770 - Then they killed them all with guns. - Unfortunately, yes. 76 00:06:13,770 --> 00:06:21,330 There was 50 years of peace, though. In fact, Squanto brokered a peace that lasted for 50 years. 77 00:06:21,330 --> 00:06:28,370 He was kidnapped by a British captain around 1605, which was 15 years before The Mayflower sailed. 78 00:06:28,370 --> 00:06:35,490 He lived in England for nine years. Then he returned home. Then another British captain kidnapped him 79 00:06:35,490 --> 00:06:42,530 and tried to sell him into slavery in Spain. He escaped back to London, took a ship to Newfoundland 80 00:06:42,530 --> 00:06:47,250 and as it was too far to walk home, he sailed back to England. 81 00:06:47,250 --> 00:06:54,530 And he went on an expedition to New England and crossed the ocean again and was now fluent in English. 82 00:06:54,530 --> 00:06:59,010 Now, buzz when you see something quite interesting here. 83 00:07:00,650 --> 00:07:04,050 First one to buzz. 84 00:07:04,050 --> 00:07:08,690 - Oh. Something... - Going off the edge of the map. 85 00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:12,370 I'm not interested yet. 86 00:07:12,370 --> 00:07:19,530 - Time's up! There is an elephant in the room! - An elephant? Oh, no! - Can you not see the elephant? 87 00:07:19,530 --> 00:07:23,650 I just... I couldn't because of Alan's head. 88 00:07:23,650 --> 00:07:30,970 That is an elephant on a map disguised as a contour. It's a British army map made in the 1920s. 89 00:07:30,970 --> 00:07:38,010 And the soldiers responsible for surveying that part of the Gold Coast, now Ghana, just got bored 90 00:07:38,010 --> 00:07:45,090 and traced an elephant. They thought it was a very remote part that no-one would ever visit. 91 00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:50,130 So they just made an elephant with a contour mark on its back. 92 00:07:50,130 --> 00:07:53,650 And it was years before anybody noticed. 93 00:07:53,650 --> 00:07:58,810 - Those cartographers are right characters. - Aren't they just! 94 00:07:58,810 --> 00:08:05,890 Let's go somewhere less unnerving - Paris. What's the best way to get from the Eiffel Tower to the Louvre 95 00:08:05,890 --> 00:08:11,490 - without seeing any French people? - Underwater - go along the river. 96 00:08:11,490 --> 00:08:18,170 Or at lunchtime, because they're all stuffing their faces with pate, aren't they? 97 00:08:18,170 --> 00:08:26,130 - They always break for lunch, apart from the tourists. - Do it with your eyes shut. Ha-ha! - Ha-ha! 98 00:08:26,130 --> 00:08:33,170 Wear a blindfold. Say, "Where's the Louvre?" People might say, "There's no point, it's all art." 99 00:08:33,170 --> 00:08:40,010 "But I want to experience the ambience without seeing any of you Frenchies." 100 00:08:40,010 --> 00:08:45,250 A big, long line that you would fly down from the Eiffel Tower - zoom! 101 00:08:45,250 --> 00:08:52,650 You were very close, Alan. We were trying to get you to talk about the remarkable sewage system of Paris. 102 00:08:52,650 --> 00:09:00,330 Their sewers echo their streets exactly. Under the Champs-Elysees, there's a sewer as wide as it. 103 00:09:00,330 --> 00:09:05,290 They even have street signs in the sewers for the streets. 104 00:09:05,290 --> 00:09:11,730 If you knew Paris above ground, you'd never get lost. You could walk along these wonderful sewers. 105 00:09:11,730 --> 00:09:16,370 There they are. And they used to have excursions. 106 00:09:16,370 --> 00:09:23,850 - Up until 1975 you could get a boat every last Thursday and Saturday of the month. - But it's full of shit. 107 00:09:23,850 --> 00:09:27,570 You'd have to really hate French people. 108 00:09:27,570 --> 00:09:31,890 IN FRENCH ACCENT: "Here are some turds from the deuxieme quartier." 109 00:09:31,890 --> 00:09:35,090 How do you think they clean them? 110 00:09:35,090 --> 00:09:42,130 - What? The people? - No! The sewers. - Everyone has to flush their toilet at once with no poo in it. 111 00:09:42,130 --> 00:09:46,210 - LAUGHTER - I love the way your mind works, Alan Davies. 112 00:09:46,210 --> 00:09:53,250 - It'd probably do it, though. - I use the word "works" quite wrongly. Could you press your buzzer, Rich? 113 00:09:53,250 --> 00:09:55,610 THEME MUSIC: "Indiana Jones" 114 00:09:55,610 --> 00:10:02,210 - They roll a giant cleaning ball down it. - Yes, well done! A good cultural reference there. 115 00:10:02,210 --> 00:10:08,530 They could train elephants and put bristles over their back and lead them... 116 00:10:08,530 --> 00:10:16,490 No, it's a big ball that scrapes the side. They send it down with a whoosh of water and it works well. 117 00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:24,210 - Where would you put your ladder if you wanted to get into space? - On top of the spaceship on the rack. 118 00:10:24,210 --> 00:10:29,450 A red flag hanging off it so other spaceships don't follow too closely. 119 00:10:30,730 --> 00:10:37,970 It's a conceptual question. How about this? Up against the wall of silence. 120 00:10:37,970 --> 00:10:40,730 LAUGHTER 121 00:10:40,730 --> 00:10:47,770 You should have railings built round you and people could worship you as some kind of modern Buddha. 122 00:10:47,770 --> 00:10:55,010 - You've got the look, I have to say! It's a good look, the Buddha look. - Rural Buddhas. - Yes. 123 00:10:58,530 --> 00:11:01,290 Wisdom and cheap cider. 124 00:11:02,450 --> 00:11:09,250 You'd assume the answer is you put the ladder on the highest point like Everest. 125 00:11:09,250 --> 00:11:13,970 - Yes. That wouldn't... - You couldn't get a good foothold on it. 126 00:11:13,970 --> 00:11:18,210 It's called a space elevator. It's a genuine idea. 127 00:11:18,210 --> 00:11:23,250 Many people believed a way to save the space programme a lot of money 128 00:11:23,250 --> 00:11:30,490 was to build a HUGE elevator that goes from Earth and is counterweighted at the other end 129 00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:38,250 and spin round incredibly fast. And you would have elevators on it that would go up and down. 130 00:11:39,250 --> 00:11:44,490 With a phone that didn't work in it. "I'm stuck on the 14th... 131 00:11:45,490 --> 00:11:49,610 "Kind of about 87,000 miles." 132 00:11:49,610 --> 00:11:54,650 "There's some kind of a door in the roof, maybe we can...?" 133 00:11:54,650 --> 00:12:00,170 Arthur C Clarke believed in it. But NASA spent a lot of money on it. 134 00:12:00,170 --> 00:12:06,530 But you'd have to do it on the Equator where the Earth goes at its fastest. 135 00:12:06,530 --> 00:12:10,770 Like the end of a record, it goes faster in the middle. 136 00:12:10,770 --> 00:12:17,810 What about trampolines? You have a huge trampoline. Then higher up, there's another one half a mile up. 137 00:12:17,810 --> 00:12:25,130 Then another one. So it's like a staircase going up into space. Then there's a bouncy castle at the top 138 00:12:25,130 --> 00:12:27,970 and a bloke charging you a quid. 139 00:12:28,810 --> 00:12:36,530 I tell you the best way to get into space, I've just realised it and it's brilliant. I'll be so rich. 140 00:12:36,530 --> 00:12:43,010 - Bubble. - A bubble? - A bubble. Get in a bubble. Just float up there. 141 00:12:43,010 --> 00:12:49,890 - One day. - I mean a big bubble. I'm not talking about those bubbles you see. "That's not a bubble." 142 00:12:49,890 --> 00:12:57,370 - Stupid little ones. - "You call that a bubble, mate? You should see my bubble." You get in a big bubble 143 00:12:57,370 --> 00:13:00,490 - and off you go. - Fabulous. - Yeah. 144 00:13:00,490 --> 00:13:03,170 Who wants in? 145 00:13:03,170 --> 00:13:06,090 IN HIGH VOICE: Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! 146 00:13:06,090 --> 00:13:10,050 This is like the Dragons' Den for cranky ideas. 147 00:13:10,050 --> 00:13:14,930 How about this? You could just imagine. 148 00:13:15,930 --> 00:13:19,170 Oh, Bill. That's so beautiful. 149 00:13:19,170 --> 00:13:22,410 'Tis the wisdom of the rural Buddha. 150 00:13:22,410 --> 00:13:25,530 - The Dalai Farmer. - Wahey! 151 00:13:27,930 --> 00:13:32,250 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Very good. 152 00:13:34,930 --> 00:13:42,050 - Excellent. - I've been struggling with that for five minutes! "There has to be something in this!" 153 00:13:42,050 --> 00:13:48,410 Your synapses are firing beautifully. We'd use them to fire people into space. 154 00:13:48,410 --> 00:13:53,370 What do you do if you're in space and one of your crew goes mad? 155 00:13:53,370 --> 00:13:55,890 LAUGHTER 156 00:13:57,250 --> 00:13:59,770 For example... 157 00:13:59,770 --> 00:14:04,650 He doesn't look mad, though, does he? He looks well fed. 158 00:14:04,650 --> 00:14:08,330 It's like a mixture between smug and orgasm. 159 00:14:10,810 --> 00:14:16,530 - A "smorgasm"? - Is there like a strict code? - Well, yes, there is. 160 00:14:16,530 --> 00:14:20,490 It hasn't happened. But NASA came up with some rules. 161 00:14:20,490 --> 00:14:25,290 Don't let them drive the ship for God's sake! 162 00:14:25,290 --> 00:14:32,330 - Keep them away from the teleport room. - They can't do any cooking or be in charge of the airlock. 163 00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:36,010 - In fact, sedate them. - That's important, yes. 164 00:14:36,010 --> 00:14:43,090 "The astronaut's crew mates should bind his wrists and ankles with duct tape, tie him down with a cord 165 00:14:43,090 --> 00:14:49,650 - "and inject him with tranquillisers." - Whoa! - Just another night in Abu Ghraib. 166 00:14:50,770 --> 00:14:56,170 "There will be no guns on the space station or the shuttle," it says. 167 00:14:56,170 --> 00:15:01,170 - "A gun is out of the question." - No right to bear arms? - No! - Outrageous! 168 00:15:01,170 --> 00:15:06,170 - So how will you fight off the Vargons? - Send the mad bloke up. 169 00:15:06,170 --> 00:15:08,930 Scare them away. 170 00:15:08,930 --> 00:15:13,970 In Star Trek, they just get confined to sick bay. 171 00:15:13,970 --> 00:15:18,050 - Yes. They get the little... - MAKES WHIRRING SOUND 172 00:15:18,050 --> 00:15:22,730 - They put a little seatbelt over them and go... - I can do that. 173 00:15:22,730 --> 00:15:26,570 - HE WHISTLES - How am I? 174 00:15:26,570 --> 00:15:33,050 - You've slightly reduced cholesterol. - That'll be the oily fish. - It will be. 175 00:15:33,050 --> 00:15:40,050 Now, to explore beyond our solar system would require astronauts to travel for generations, 176 00:15:40,050 --> 00:15:45,250 so there'd have to be sex on board. What problems do you foresee? 177 00:15:45,250 --> 00:15:49,210 - Eugh! - Right. - LAUGHTER 178 00:15:50,210 --> 00:15:52,970 We have... 179 00:15:52,970 --> 00:15:59,730 - We have three ways. - That's a NASA training manual - "How To Reproduce". 180 00:15:59,730 --> 00:16:03,090 Roger. 181 00:16:03,090 --> 00:16:07,930 It'd be very hard to dock, I would've thought. 182 00:16:07,930 --> 00:16:14,970 Connecting and staying connected would be difficult. And the male member would be smaller in space 183 00:16:14,970 --> 00:16:19,530 because blood pressure is lower. So it may be difficult to... 184 00:16:19,530 --> 00:16:24,250 In space, no-one can hear you apologise. 185 00:16:24,250 --> 00:16:28,530 - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Oh, Rich! 186 00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:33,370 I do love you. And there is the business of fluids. 187 00:16:34,370 --> 00:16:39,050 - It's bad enough in the tub, isn't it? - Yes, it is! - Oh, Jeez! 188 00:16:39,050 --> 00:16:46,650 And it could get into some important parts of the machinery and short-circuit things 189 00:16:46,650 --> 00:16:53,610 - in droplets suspended everywhere. - You're trying to get them pregnant, not make a porn film. 190 00:16:53,610 --> 00:17:00,250 - "Houston, we have a problem. We have spunk in the bay." - I like the idea of space porn. 191 00:17:00,250 --> 00:17:03,810 "I'm here to fix the turbo thrusters." 192 00:17:06,410 --> 00:17:10,330 - Like that. - Well, you... - Whoa-oa-oa! 193 00:17:10,330 --> 00:17:14,450 "You better come through to the sleeping bay then." 194 00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:18,570 A porn actress is waving him around by his knob. 195 00:17:20,810 --> 00:17:24,650 Throwing him across to another woman who catches... 196 00:17:31,010 --> 00:17:33,810 LAUGHTER 197 00:17:36,210 --> 00:17:39,010 GARGLING SOUND 198 00:17:39,010 --> 00:17:41,210 Mmm! 199 00:17:41,210 --> 00:17:49,250 So, it's grease me up, Scotty, as we get ready for another round - General Ignorance, please. 200 00:17:49,250 --> 00:17:54,290 What were the first words spoken from the surface of the moon? 201 00:17:54,290 --> 00:17:58,330 - THEME MUSIC: "Star Trek" - How appropriate, Sean. 202 00:17:58,330 --> 00:18:01,890 "Uh... Hello? Can you hear me?" 203 00:18:01,890 --> 00:18:04,690 It was, "Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh!" 204 00:18:04,690 --> 00:18:07,370 - It was the Clangers, was it? - Yes. 205 00:18:07,370 --> 00:18:12,490 But it wasn't, "One small step for man," cos he hadn't got on yet. 206 00:18:12,490 --> 00:18:19,210 - Very true. So what else was it? - It was like, "Come on down, Neil. It's fine. 207 00:18:19,210 --> 00:18:27,130 - "Don't worry about it." - "Get the golf clubs." - "Great to be here in Philadelph... I mean, the moon." 208 00:18:27,130 --> 00:18:34,250 - Well, who said the first human words uttered on the surface of the moon? - Neil Armstrong. 209 00:18:34,250 --> 00:18:41,570 - No. - Buzz Aldrin. - Yes, it was Buzz. He was in charge of the steering of the module as it landed. 210 00:18:41,570 --> 00:18:48,810 - At 102 hours, 45 minutes and 25 seconds in... - They were twins. - ..he was saying, "Four forward, 211 00:18:48,810 --> 00:18:55,650 "drifting to the right a little. That's good." Something garbled and then, "Contact light." 212 00:18:55,650 --> 00:19:02,610 And the contact light that showed they'd landed was on. Not, "The eagle has landed," and not... 213 00:19:02,610 --> 00:19:09,650 Not, "This is the moon. This is the end of the line. Please make sure you have all your bags 214 00:19:09,650 --> 00:19:17,650 - "and personal possessions." - What else do you know about Buzz Aldrin? - His dad had a sense of humour. 215 00:19:17,650 --> 00:19:25,170 - Why is that? - Well, he called him "Buzz". - Ah. But he didn't. He called him Edward Eugene Aldrin Junior. 216 00:19:25,170 --> 00:19:27,890 I think I'm right, actually! 217 00:19:27,890 --> 00:19:35,530 His sister couldn't say "brother". She'd say "buzzer". And he became Buzz and he made it his legal name. 218 00:19:35,530 --> 00:19:38,330 He had the hand of a monkey. 219 00:19:38,330 --> 00:19:41,490 LAUGHTER 220 00:19:41,490 --> 00:19:44,010 APPLAUSE 221 00:19:44,010 --> 00:19:51,290 - Very good. What was his mother's maiden name? Surely you know that? - Smith? Brown? Jones? - Moon? 222 00:19:51,290 --> 00:19:54,810 - Moon is the right answer! - Did you know that? 223 00:19:55,810 --> 00:19:58,770 LAUGHTER 224 00:19:58,770 --> 00:20:01,250 Ah! Yes, the Dalai Farmer. 225 00:20:01,250 --> 00:20:05,930 Fingers on buzzers again. Who invented the moonwalk? 226 00:20:05,930 --> 00:20:10,210 - Oh! Sean's in quickly. - Michael Jackson. - Oh! 227 00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:13,250 - HOOTER - Dear me, no. 228 00:20:13,250 --> 00:20:17,050 He popularised it, if that's the word. 229 00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:19,890 Winston Churchill. 230 00:20:20,890 --> 00:20:27,930 Michael Jackson got his inspiration from Jeffrey Daniel, a member of Shalamar. Does that mean anything? 231 00:20:27,930 --> 00:20:30,810 # Gonna make this a night to remember... 232 00:20:30,810 --> 00:20:34,410 - Oh, why did I say that? - # Tonight 233 00:20:34,410 --> 00:20:37,490 # We're gonna make this a night to remember... 234 00:20:37,490 --> 00:20:39,650 # Ah-ah! 235 00:20:39,650 --> 00:20:42,250 # Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da 236 00:20:42,250 --> 00:20:44,770 # Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da 237 00:20:44,770 --> 00:20:49,010 # Da-da-da-doo-doo-doo-da-da... # 238 00:20:49,010 --> 00:20:52,970 Right. Lovely. Very good. Very good. 239 00:20:52,970 --> 00:20:55,530 Ha-ha-ha-ha! Lovely. 240 00:20:55,530 --> 00:20:58,690 Come on! Now, now, now then! 241 00:20:58,690 --> 00:21:01,890 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you. 242 00:21:01,890 --> 00:21:07,210 This man Jeffrey Daniel was not the inventor. Um...Bill Bailey. 243 00:21:07,210 --> 00:21:09,770 LAUGHTER 244 00:21:09,770 --> 00:21:13,730 - Wow! - That picture's actually been taken in space. 245 00:21:13,730 --> 00:21:20,930 But the inventor of the moonwalk was Bill Bailey. And we can see the real Bill Bailey now, I hope. 246 00:21:20,930 --> 00:21:27,970 - Oh! - Look at him. And he's just about to do it. There we go! - Look at that. - Isn't he great? 247 00:21:27,970 --> 00:21:34,450 - He's rubbish. - Do you know of any other famous people who've had your name? 248 00:21:34,450 --> 00:21:41,690 - Axl Rose. - Is his name Bill Bailey? - Axl Rose, lead singer of Guns N' Roses, his real name is Bill Bailey. 249 00:21:41,690 --> 00:21:47,130 - That's very good. - They thought Guns N' Baileys was rubbish. 250 00:21:47,130 --> 00:21:54,850 - I've a dormitory at the University of Colorado named after me. - Really? Rich Hall? - Same name. 251 00:21:54,850 --> 00:21:58,690 - Doh! - No, it's true! It's true. 252 00:21:58,690 --> 00:22:05,810 - The last man to be hanged in America was a Bill Bailey. - Good Lord. What was his crime? 253 00:22:05,810 --> 00:22:10,850 - I'm afraid I know no more about it. - Terrible dancing and silly hats. 254 00:22:12,130 --> 00:22:14,970 Moonwalking in a built-up area. 255 00:22:14,970 --> 00:22:19,210 You do know that there's an animal that can moonwalk? 256 00:22:19,210 --> 00:22:26,450 - It's a wonderful bird called a mannikin bird. Do you want to see a mannikin bird moonwalking? - Yes. 257 00:22:28,970 --> 00:22:31,490 LAUGHTER 258 00:22:32,490 --> 00:22:34,970 It gets funnier. 259 00:22:34,970 --> 00:22:39,450 # Make this a night to remember Get ready... # 260 00:22:42,090 --> 00:22:46,290 Isn't it great? There is the loveliest bird 261 00:22:46,290 --> 00:22:49,450 in very '70s yellow trousers. 262 00:22:49,450 --> 00:22:51,970 Oh, that's fantastic. 263 00:22:51,970 --> 00:22:55,130 And that's all it does. 264 00:22:55,130 --> 00:23:02,770 - It's a delight. - You could have a programme of animals doing like '80s dances! 265 00:23:02,770 --> 00:23:06,890 Here are some worms doing bodypopping, you know. 266 00:23:06,890 --> 00:23:10,650 - What's he doing? - Attracting a female. 267 00:23:12,770 --> 00:23:19,250 - Colour and movements! - Here's the best one. Hey! - That's the one they like. 268 00:23:19,250 --> 00:23:26,930 - It gets funnier every time. - Let's hear it for the assured comedy stylings of the mannikin bird! 269 00:23:26,930 --> 00:23:30,290 - CHEERING - There you go. 270 00:23:30,290 --> 00:23:32,650 APPLAUSE 271 00:23:32,650 --> 00:23:37,250 Well done. Well done, mannikin bird. Bloody marvellous. 272 00:23:37,250 --> 00:23:44,690 - They make extraordinary sounds with their wings. - I thought you'd say they make extraordinary sandwiches. 273 00:23:44,690 --> 00:23:51,330 And they taste bloody good as well! And when you've had enough, you just... 274 00:23:51,330 --> 00:23:58,930 And they're the only bird that sings with their wings. They do that and it's extraordinary. 275 00:23:58,930 --> 00:24:05,770 - Sometimes you can be a bit too talented, can't you? - Exactly. One is enough. 276 00:24:05,770 --> 00:24:10,050 The female's just sitting there going, "Blah-blah." 277 00:24:10,050 --> 00:24:15,530 And finally, who first put two feet on the top of Mount Everest? 278 00:24:15,530 --> 00:24:18,010 - Sherpa Tenzing. - No! 279 00:24:18,010 --> 00:24:20,850 - HOOTER - Oh, dear. 280 00:24:20,850 --> 00:24:23,650 Edmund Hillary. 281 00:24:23,650 --> 00:24:28,170 So you're saying they hopped up there then? 282 00:24:28,170 --> 00:24:32,970 - Cliff Richard. - We didn't guess you might say that. 283 00:24:32,970 --> 00:24:40,010 - Did someone put an extra rock on it to make it two feet higher? - They did that in an extraordinary way. 284 00:24:40,010 --> 00:24:44,850 - How high is...? - They raised it from the bottom. 285 00:24:47,010 --> 00:24:51,530 That would be laborious. How high is Mount Everest? 286 00:24:51,530 --> 00:24:56,850 - 29,028 feet. - You're absolutely right down to the last foot. 287 00:24:56,850 --> 00:24:59,810 APPLAUSE 288 00:24:59,810 --> 00:25:07,730 - Since 1955 that has been the accepted height of Mount Everest. - It used to be 29,002 feet. - Exactly. 289 00:25:07,730 --> 00:25:13,930 - But... This is very good. - It's how they applaud on What's My Line? - Yeah! 290 00:25:13,930 --> 00:25:18,730 - Very good! - You're getting warmer! I think it's a man. 291 00:25:18,730 --> 00:25:23,050 - AS DAVID FROST: - Let's see whose house it is. 292 00:25:23,050 --> 00:25:29,690 So it's Radhanath Sikdar, a mathematician from Bengal, who was the first to identify Everest, 293 00:25:29,690 --> 00:25:35,530 which used to be known as Peak 15, as the world's highest mountain in 1852. 294 00:25:35,530 --> 00:25:39,490 He used a theodolite from 150 miles away. 295 00:25:39,490 --> 00:25:45,170 And he measured it to be EXACTLY 29,000 feet. EXACTLY 29,000. 296 00:25:45,170 --> 00:25:51,490 And he thought no-one would believe him. They'd think he just rounded it up. 297 00:25:51,490 --> 00:25:58,730 And he was so annoyed that it was exactly 29,000 feet, he added two feet, so it looked more precise. 298 00:25:58,730 --> 00:26:03,730 So he was quite literally the first man to put two feet on... 299 00:26:03,730 --> 00:26:06,370 - GROANS - Silly question, I grant you. 300 00:26:06,370 --> 00:26:11,690 But it elicited the fact that you knew the two heights of Everest. 301 00:26:11,690 --> 00:26:18,770 Those facts will get you work anywhere in the world. Just say, "I know two things about Everest." 302 00:26:18,770 --> 00:26:26,650 - And George Everest, who was he? Why was the mountain named after him? - He kept changing his height. 303 00:26:26,650 --> 00:26:31,730 He was the Surveyor General of India at the time it happened. 304 00:26:31,730 --> 00:26:38,730 - But it's still wrong to call it Mount Everest. Why? - Because it's not a mountain, it's a hill. 305 00:26:38,730 --> 00:26:42,850 No. If anything's a mountain, I think we can say it is. 306 00:26:42,850 --> 00:26:49,410 No, we shouldn't call it Mount Everest as he pronounced it "Eve-rest". 307 00:26:49,410 --> 00:26:52,930 - George Eve-rest. - George Eve-rest. 308 00:26:52,930 --> 00:26:57,850 I think that Churchill's nanny was called Everest. 309 00:26:57,850 --> 00:27:02,690 - Nanny Everest? - Yes. - The tallest nanny in the world! 310 00:27:02,690 --> 00:27:05,970 - IN HIGH VOICE: - Nanny! 311 00:27:05,970 --> 00:27:12,810 With that it's back to base camp for a spot of brandy, leaving nothing behind but footprints 312 00:27:12,810 --> 00:27:15,250 and invidious colonial regimes. 313 00:27:15,250 --> 00:27:20,650 Let's see how many points we've looted along the way. Goodness me! 314 00:27:20,650 --> 00:27:25,330 In first place is Rich Hall with eight points! 315 00:27:25,330 --> 00:27:28,050 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 316 00:27:30,690 --> 00:27:34,970 And with three points is Bill Bailey! 317 00:27:34,970 --> 00:27:37,490 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 318 00:27:37,490 --> 00:27:44,530 And with minus eight points and a very creditable knowledge of mountains, it's Alan Davies! 319 00:27:44,530 --> 00:27:48,690 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - That's not bad. 320 00:27:48,690 --> 00:27:56,690 Which sadly means that in the pot simmering, ready to be nibbled, is Sean Lock with minus 16! 321 00:27:56,690 --> 00:27:59,650 Thank you very much. 322 00:27:59,650 --> 00:28:02,170 APPLAUSE 323 00:28:03,810 --> 00:28:11,570 So with nowhere else left to explore, it's a tearful valediction from Rich, Sean, Bill, Alan and me. 324 00:28:11,570 --> 00:28:16,610 And a quatrain from TS Eliot - "We shall not cease from exploration 325 00:28:16,610 --> 00:28:21,650 "and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started 326 00:28:21,650 --> 00:28:25,690 "and know the place for the first time." Goodnight. 327 00:28:25,690 --> 00:28:28,210 APPLAUSE 328 00:28:43,530 --> 00:28:47,570 Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2007 329 00:28:47,570 --> 00:28:50,610 Email us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net