1 00:00:33,602 --> 00:00:48,526 God aften, bonsoir, kalispera, jó napot, labvakar, god kveld, goedenavond, dobryj dyen', buenas tardes, guten Abend, good evening. Wilkommen, welcome, et bienvenue à [French pronunciation] QI. 2 00:00:48,527 --> 00:00:51,603 Tonight, I'm happy to say E.C. regulations have permitted us to register 3 00:00:51,604 --> 00:00:53,661 as a Euro quiz. 4 00:00:53,661 --> 00:00:57,879 Accordingly, tonight's committee is 95.62% European. 5 00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:00,343 From England, David Mitchell. 6 00:01:05,492 --> 00:01:07,761 From Ireland, Dara O'Briain. 7 00:01:11,632 --> 00:01:15,074 And all the way from Lithuania, Phill Jupitus. 8 00:01:19,305 --> 00:01:20,736 And from the little bit of Wales 9 00:01:20,737 --> 00:01:22,678 that is always North London, 10 00:01:22,679 --> 00:01:24,135 Alan Davies. 11 00:01:30,629 --> 00:01:32,427 I, myself, have a little Hungarian in me, 12 00:01:32,428 --> 00:01:34,356 but, er, never mind about that now. 13 00:01:35,353 --> 00:01:37,536 So, Englander Schweinehunden, er, 14 00:01:38,063 --> 00:01:39,422 David goes: 15 00:01:39,423 --> 00:01:43,830 [plays "La Marsellaise"] 16 00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:48,903 And Phill goes: 17 00:01:48,904 --> 00:01:51,108 [plays "Ode To Joy"] 18 00:01:56,109 --> 00:01:57,335 Dara goes: 19 00:01:57,336 --> 00:02:00,983 [plays "It's A Long Way To Tipperary"] 20 00:02:04,863 --> 00:02:07,336 That was the Red Army Choir, singing there 21 00:02:07,708 --> 00:02:09,053 and Alan goes: 22 00:02:09,054 --> 00:02:13,274 [a football crowd chanting "Here we go, here we go, here we go...England!"] 23 00:02:16,017 --> 00:02:17,053 Stylish. 24 00:02:18,462 --> 00:02:21,903 So, let's not forget our elephant dans le chambre bonus, 25 00:02:23,985 --> 00:02:28,268 There it is. Spot the elephant for an extra Zahlung Gratifikation or, 26 00:02:28,269 --> 00:02:31,394 as they say in French, "un bonus". 27 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:34,992 So, that'll be ten points in anybody's language; there are your elephants. 28 00:02:34,993 --> 00:02:36,551 I have a flag issue. 29 00:02:36,552 --> 00:02:37,799 Oh, yeah? What's the problem? 30 00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:39,552 David claims not to be English. 31 00:02:39,553 --> 00:02:41,026 I'm...I'm far from it. 32 00:02:41,027 --> 00:02:42,386 And furthermore.. . 33 00:02:42,387 --> 00:02:43,683 ...I'm not Welsh. 34 00:02:43,684 --> 00:02:45,068 What?! 35 00:02:45,940 --> 00:02:49,538 Well, give him your...your wyvern, or your griffin, or whatever it is. 36 00:02:49,538 --> 00:02:51,293 So we can come to a proper arrangement. 37 00:02:51,294 --> 00:02:53,914 When I did a programme about my family tree, 38 00:02:54,609 --> 00:02:57,001 it turned out we're nothing to do with the Welsh. 39 00:02:57,213 --> 00:02:58,223 Good. 40 00:02:58,224 --> 00:03:02,488 Alors, driving à gauche, obrigado, vamos in der Eurostar, 41 00:03:02,489 --> 00:03:04,139 and off to question one. 42 00:03:04,140 --> 00:03:07,988 We've raised the bar for this one a little in recognition of the presence amongst us 43 00:03:07,988 --> 00:03:11,665 of the noted historian David Mitchell of Peterhouse, Cambridge. 44 00:03:12,406 --> 00:03:17,681 So, David, we'd like you to name the 5,732 provisions 45 00:03:18,354 --> 00:03:22,815 affecting the enclave of Baarle-Hertog in the treaty of Maastricht. 46 00:03:22,815 --> 00:03:24,812 Er.... 47 00:03:24,812 --> 00:03:26,064 Your time starts now. 48 00:03:28,373 --> 00:03:29,912 Well...this...this is an easy one. 49 00:03:32,073 --> 00:03:34,606 the enclave actually only, er, exists theoretically 50 00:03:36,325 --> 00:03:38,568 because it was...it's a... it's a sort of sandbank, er, which was once farmed, 51 00:03:38,569 --> 00:03:40,164 but was flooded in the 14th century, 52 00:03:40,165 --> 00:03:44,305 and it exists between Denmark and, er, Germany in the Heligoland Bite. 53 00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:49,162 and the...but it's sort of been an anomaly in diplomatic, er, 54 00:03:49,163 --> 00:03:51,719 law ever since then, because...because there were arguments about who owned it 55 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:53,142 theoretically even though no one could go there, 56 00:03:53,143 --> 00:03:56,633 and so, the 5,732 provisions are, actually... It's a provision 57 00:03:56,634 --> 00:04:00,487 for each of the former states, er, of the holy Roman Empire 58 00:04:00,488 --> 00:04:02,568 before it was dissolved by Napoleon. 59 00:04:02,569 --> 00:04:04,405 That is absolutely wrong! 60 00:04:06,291 --> 00:04:08,169 Not one thing that you said was true! But...Not one thing, yeah. 61 00:04:08,922 --> 00:04:11,307 But brilliantly convincing! It convinced the audience 62 00:04:11,308 --> 00:04:13,280 they were all ready to applaud you. Yeah. 63 00:04:13,968 --> 00:04:15,625 I think #706 is 64 00:04:15,625 --> 00:04:17,418 "no fat chicks". 65 00:04:20,025 --> 00:04:23,616 Well, firstly, do we know what the Treaty of Maastricht was? 66 00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:26,235 It's to do with the European Union, I think. 67 00:04:26,236 --> 00:04:27,299 Ah, you see, we've cheated a bit. 68 00:04:27,299 --> 00:04:29,809 Is it another one? -You're talking about the second... 69 00:04:30,761 --> 00:04:33,344 ...Treaty of Maastricht. There was a first treaty of Maastricht-- 70 00:04:33,345 --> 00:04:34,907 Was it about sandbanks? At all? 71 00:04:35,822 --> 00:04:36,818 Not exactly. 72 00:04:36,819 --> 00:04:39,335 It was about settling which parts were 73 00:04:39,336 --> 00:04:42,726 Dutch-Belgian and which parts were Frenchy-Belgian-Belgian, 74 00:04:43,803 --> 00:04:47,899 and it's so complicated in this particular place, Baarle-Hertog, 75 00:04:48,327 --> 00:04:53,316 that there are the 5,732 parcels of land, all done up; 76 00:04:53,316 --> 00:04:58,375 you can walk into a house and one room is in.. is Dutch, one room's Belgian, 77 00:04:58,376 --> 00:04:59,414 and...and it goes on. 78 00:04:59,415 --> 00:05:01,940 There are front doors split in two, as it were: 79 00:05:01,941 --> 00:05:04,900 one side is Belgian, one side is Dutch. 80 00:05:04,901 --> 00:05:06,661 And because the laws are different, 81 00:05:09,130 --> 00:05:12,574 the closing time in the Netherlands is earlier than Belgium, 82 00:05:12,575 --> 00:05:15,428 so in the same restaurant they close half the tables 83 00:05:15,429 --> 00:05:16,974 because it's Dutch 84 00:05:16,975 --> 00:05:19,156 and they have to...you have to move to the Belgian bit. 85 00:05:19,157 --> 00:05:21,156 And the Dutch--of course, they're taking the piss a little 86 00:05:21,157 --> 00:05:24,541 have a huge sex shop right next to the Belgian town, 87 00:05:24,542 --> 00:05:26,621 but it's just in the Dutch part-- 88 00:05:26,621 --> 00:05:29,362 [Dutch accent] Those crazy Dutch guys! --because they're not allowed, you see, in Belgium. 89 00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:32,036 [Dutch accent] "Hey, Belgian guys! Look at our cock rings and inflatable ladies!" 90 00:05:34,425 --> 00:05:39,080 It is true that Belgium, as we know it, is an entirely artificial country, anyway. 91 00:05:39,081 --> 00:05:41,461 Yeah, they were named after the Belgi, which was a tribe... 92 00:05:41,462 --> 00:05:45,139 Actually, a lot of those were in Winchester, Belgi. 93 00:05:45,526 --> 00:05:48,375 I daresay someone just threw his pipe at the television. 94 00:05:49,100 --> 00:05:51,214 [mock upper-class accent] "Fry just called me Belgian! 95 00:05:53,022 --> 00:05:54,782 Where's my gun?" 96 00:05:56,638 --> 00:06:01,897 But as for enclaves, or en-claves, in this way, that is a sort of country within a country. 97 00:06:01,898 --> 00:06:06,595 One of the most remarkable ones was Suite #212 at Claridge's. 98 00:06:06,596 --> 00:06:08,726 Was that Norway during the Second World War, or something? 99 00:06:08,727 --> 00:06:10,848 Well, it was...Yeah, it was Yugoslavia for a few days, because-- 100 00:06:10,849 --> 00:06:13,339 So there were rows in that room, then! 101 00:06:14,538 --> 00:06:16,832 Ethnic cleansing in the bathroom!.. . 102 00:06:21,595 --> 00:06:25,202 Yeah, the Queen was pregnant, and she wanted to give birth to the heir to the throne of Yugoslavia 103 00:06:25,203 --> 00:06:28,020 on Yugoslavian soil, 104 00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:30,180 so the British government said, "We will allow, for a few days, 105 00:06:30,181 --> 00:06:33,480 Suite #212 to be Yugoslav soil," 106 00:06:33,481 --> 00:06:36,326 and actually people got some Yugoslav soil, 107 00:06:36,327 --> 00:06:37,883 which they had handy, and put it under the bed...apparently. 108 00:06:40,450 --> 00:06:46,228 Now, when is it cool for a brother to bring a chick into a monastery? 109 00:06:46,229 --> 00:06:52,634 Do they sort of have, you know, it's like, on Christmas Day when, in the days of servants,the masters used to serve the servants? 110 00:06:52,635 --> 00:06:55,028 On Christmas Day in a monastery, all the rules are off 111 00:06:56,666 --> 00:06:58,410 and it's, you know, time to shag everyone. 112 00:06:59,701 --> 00:07:02,045 Any idea where that might be, that monastery? 113 00:07:02,045 --> 00:07:04,061 Do you know in the audience? - Greece! 114 00:07:04,062 --> 00:07:06,626 Greece. They know, you see, Greece. Good audience. 115 00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:08,076 It's Mount Athos. 116 00:07:08,077 --> 00:07:12,135 Mount Athos, which is described by many as the holiest place on Earth. 117 00:07:12,136 --> 00:07:15,445 It contains 24 large monasteries, and hundreds of small monasteries. 118 00:07:16,026 --> 00:07:17,919 It's only about 350 square kilometres. 119 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,361 It's like Travelodge have opened one in Narnia, isn't it? It's just like.. . 120 00:07:23,288 --> 00:07:25,556 "Comfortable living, fantasy prices." 121 00:07:27,409 --> 00:07:29,208 It does look a little forbidding, I grant you. 122 00:07:30,062 --> 00:07:34,750 No females of any species are allowed on Mount Athos. 123 00:07:35,174 --> 00:07:37,978 I mean, obviously they can't stop wild birds and stray cats, 124 00:07:37,979 --> 00:07:41,548 but no female animals, no female humans, are allowed, 125 00:07:42,213 --> 00:07:44,395 apparently because the Virgin Mary discovered the place 126 00:07:44,396 --> 00:07:46,925 and said, "No woman shall set foot here after me". 127 00:07:47,458 --> 00:07:48,930 Prince Phillip visited it, with the Queen; 128 00:07:48,931 --> 00:07:52,214 the Queen had to stay in a boat 500 yards from the shore. 129 00:07:52,632 --> 00:07:56,232 I dare say she was gutted to not be with that jug-eared idiot again. 130 00:07:56,751 --> 00:07:59,920 "Oh, God, he's gonna call 'em... Oh, what's he gonna do now? Oh, no..." 131 00:08:07,723 --> 00:08:09,758 Well, for a thousand years, it's been like that, 132 00:08:09,759 --> 00:08:11,279 I mean it's pretty astonishing, isn't it? 133 00:08:11,970 --> 00:08:15,034 But...they do let in hens. Why would they let in hens? 134 00:08:15,035 --> 00:08:16,474 Eggs. -'Cause they love an omelette. 135 00:08:16,754 --> 00:08:19,889 They prefer eggs to the jizz of the male hen. 136 00:08:26,137 --> 00:08:27,918 You don't know monks very well, do you? 137 00:08:29,975 --> 00:08:31,395 They much prefer cock, I think. 138 00:08:33,241 --> 00:08:34,819 No, the, er...It's not actually to eat the eggs. 139 00:08:36,125 --> 00:08:37,307 To...mock them. 140 00:08:39,278 --> 00:08:40,658 Draw little faces on them. 141 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:44,878 No, it's to use the yolk for mixing paints for icon painting. 142 00:08:46,014 --> 00:08:47,804 So all their icons smell of egg! 143 00:08:48,681 --> 00:08:51,079 Well, a lot of tempera, a lot of egg's a good thing for binding paint together; 144 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,815 they've used egg yolk for a long, long time, apparently. 145 00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:57,350 So, er, that's why they make an exception to the rule of no females. 146 00:08:57,793 --> 00:08:59,566 If you get trapped in a monastery 147 00:08:59,567 --> 00:09:01,256 and you can't find the fridge... 148 00:09:02,374 --> 00:09:03,920 yummy, yummy icons. Mm. 149 00:09:04,913 --> 00:09:06,402 Yes, absolutely! 150 00:09:06,403 --> 00:09:08,328 Is it like that wallpaper in Willy Wonka, 151 00:09:08,329 --> 00:09:10,666 where different colours taste of different things? 152 00:09:11,110 --> 00:09:13,564 [mimes licking wallpaper] "Ooh, the snozzberries taste of snozzberries!" 153 00:09:15,062 --> 00:09:17,481 And all the Jesuses taste of breakfast! 154 00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:30,363 The monastic police, the Serdaris, enforce the rules: 155 00:09:30,830 --> 00:09:32,707 not allowing women in, for example. 156 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:35,197 Have they had a meeting about it? 157 00:09:35,198 --> 00:09:37,382 You know, about how it's a mental rule? 158 00:09:38,104 --> 00:09:41,474 I don't think they have, because some of them are very extreme. 159 00:09:41,475 --> 00:09:42,882 Some of them starve themselves. 160 00:09:43,622 --> 00:09:45,754 In fact, people who make that equipment 161 00:09:45,755 --> 00:09:50,315 for detecting dying people in the rubble after an earthquake or something, 162 00:09:50,315 --> 00:09:52,424 they actually went to Mount Athos 163 00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:55,179 and took samples of the breath of fasting monks 164 00:09:55,725 --> 00:09:59,300 so they could get a sort of, er, an idea for their machines of 165 00:09:59,300 --> 00:10:02,652 of the particular smell of a starving human, 166 00:10:02,653 --> 00:10:05,963 which is very important for the purposes of this rubble thing, so... 167 00:10:06,967 --> 00:10:08,796 they have their uses, these mad monks. 168 00:10:08,797 --> 00:10:13,007 So, no women, no food, eggy paintings. 169 00:10:14,170 --> 00:10:16,190 Yeah. Sounds like a hoot! 170 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:18,942 Yeah! Well, anyway. Which would you rather have: 171 00:10:18,943 --> 00:10:22,893 the German disease, the French disease, the Polish disease, 172 00:10:22,894 --> 00:10:26,560 the Portuguese disease, or the English disease? 173 00:10:29,460 --> 00:10:30,337 Yes? 174 00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:34,251 I'm guessing that kinda they're the same thing, as everyone describes it; 175 00:10:34,252 --> 00:10:37,045 it's like "sado-masochism" or "a love of being tied up and spanked". 176 00:10:37,233 --> 00:10:38,394 It's just fetishes... 177 00:10:38,395 --> 00:10:40,653 Certainly the English vice is flagellation-- -- The English vice. 178 00:10:40,653 --> 00:10:42,021 --to the French, isn't it, but the English disease...? 179 00:10:42,233 --> 00:10:43,478 I think it's all clap, isn't it? 180 00:10:43,478 --> 00:10:46,503 Pox, certainly. Syphilis. Yes, absolutely right. 181 00:10:46,503 --> 00:10:51,114 Syphilis, according to which nation you are... You usually call it your enemy's disease. 182 00:10:51,115 --> 00:10:53,417 So the French call it the English disease, the English call it the French disease, 183 00:10:54,346 --> 00:10:56,759 the Dutch call it the Portuguese disease... 184 00:10:57,276 --> 00:10:59,398 The Portuguese disease? The Dutch call it the Portuguese disease? -Yes. 185 00:10:59,399 --> 00:11:01,526 What have the Dutch got against the P—... and where do they meet? 186 00:11:01,773 --> 00:11:03,358 Well, they had navigational wars in the seventeenth century-- 187 00:11:03,359 --> 00:11:05,917 They were at war for years over spices. 188 00:11:06,563 --> 00:11:09,315 Oh, spices, of course...That explains it all! 189 00:11:09,316 --> 00:11:11,494 Nutmeg. They fought battles over nutmeg. - Yeah. Yeah. 190 00:11:12,433 --> 00:11:16,153 There's the Dutch king in front of his cupboard: "Where's my cardamom? 191 00:11:17,934 --> 00:11:20,838 You syphilis-riddled bastards!!" 192 00:11:20,839 --> 00:11:23,992 The very idea that a pox-ridden Portuguese bloke 193 00:11:23,993 --> 00:11:26,290 is thinking, "I need some cumin." 194 00:11:27,408 --> 00:11:29,636 They valued the spices so much 195 00:11:29,637 --> 00:11:33,217 that they swapped Manhattan for the Spice Islands in Indonesia. 196 00:11:34,408 --> 00:11:35,885 That's how we got Manhattan.. 197 00:11:35,886 --> 00:11:37,693 True. It was New Amsterdam. 198 00:11:37,694 --> 00:11:39,791 And they used to use the nutmeg to preserve meat; 199 00:11:39,792 --> 00:11:40,820 that's why it was so valuable, 200 00:11:40,821 --> 00:11:43,968 'cause you could sail for halfway round the world as long as you had nutmeg. 201 00:11:43,969 --> 00:11:46,572 I think Alan should have points for all this. Points! 202 00:11:46,573 --> 00:11:48,238 This is good work! 203 00:11:49,878 --> 00:11:50,955 Top work. 204 00:11:55,719 --> 00:11:57,673 One of the, er, odd things about syphilis, though, 205 00:11:57,674 --> 00:12:02,014 is it appears to have erupted around the time America was being discovered, 206 00:12:02,015 --> 00:12:03,760 so many people thought it came from America, 207 00:12:04,185 --> 00:12:06,317 but it was first amongst German troops when they 208 00:12:06,317 --> 00:12:07,834 were besieging Naples, 209 00:12:07,835 --> 00:12:11,279 so it was called, variously, the German disease, the Neapolitan disease 210 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:12,627 'cause that was a kingdom then. 211 00:12:13,229 --> 00:12:17,325 What did they use for curing it, right up until, really, the turn of the 19th-20th century? 212 00:12:17,325 --> 00:12:18,821 Petrol. 213 00:12:19,269 --> 00:12:20,944 It's almost as weird. A poison; 214 00:12:20,945 --> 00:12:21,961 they used mercury. Mercury. 215 00:12:22,561 --> 00:12:26,427 At Oscar Wilde's trial, it was... actually came up against him, 216 00:12:26,428 --> 00:12:28,802 that when he laughed, he put his hand up against his mouth, 217 00:12:28,803 --> 00:12:30,741 which was considered a sign of effeminacy, 218 00:12:31,363 --> 00:12:33,231 but it's probably because he had syphilis 219 00:12:33,232 --> 00:12:36,417 and he'd taken mercury, which makes the teeth green and transparent, 220 00:12:36,417 --> 00:12:38,714 and most unpleasant, so he was covering his bad teeth, 221 00:12:39,202 --> 00:12:41,096 but it was, er, counted against him. 222 00:12:41,097 --> 00:12:43,026 They used to say "From Venus to Mercury". 223 00:12:43,866 --> 00:12:45,703 Didn't Edward VII take a lot of mercury? 224 00:12:46,196 --> 00:12:47,194 I think he might have done, yes. 225 00:12:47,195 --> 00:12:48,773 I thought that was for constipation. 226 00:12:48,774 --> 00:12:49,941 Yeah, they did it for all kinds of things. 227 00:12:49,942 --> 00:12:52,355 It's a very, sort of, literal way of treating constipation, 228 00:12:52,356 --> 00:12:54,366 Drink an incredibly heavy liquid 229 00:12:55,605 --> 00:12:57,355 and force the poo down. 230 00:12:58,313 --> 00:13:01,025 An alternative would be stand on your hands 231 00:13:01,026 --> 00:13:02,543 and have a load of helium. 232 00:13:07,756 --> 00:13:09,138 That is a much better image! 233 00:13:12,877 --> 00:13:14,984 Yes. Just need some footmen with nets 234 00:13:16,179 --> 00:13:18,926 to catch the turds. "Don't let it get on the tapestries!" 235 00:13:22,118 --> 00:13:24,021 What a sick mind you have, David Mitchell. 236 00:13:24,745 --> 00:13:26,489 Then someone comes in the room, and they go, "What's the matter with you?" [in a very high voice] 237 00:13:26,490 --> 00:13:27,776 "I've got constipation!" 238 00:13:28,969 --> 00:13:30,470 "Look!" 239 00:13:31,849 --> 00:13:33,167 Do you know what a later cure was? 240 00:13:33,168 --> 00:13:36,950 It actually won its devisor a Nobel Prize in 1927, for medicine. 241 00:13:37,887 --> 00:13:39,932 It was a weird cure; it was to give them another disease. 242 00:13:41,077 --> 00:13:42,764 Yeah. The other disease was malaria. 243 00:13:43,855 --> 00:13:46,418 How bizarre. You'd give them malaria; it would cure them of syphilis. 244 00:13:46,419 --> 00:13:48,896 The bacteria can't survive, literally, the heat of the body 245 00:13:48,897 --> 00:13:51,234 when it's got malarial fever. 246 00:13:51,968 --> 00:13:53,407 Strange. Anyway, there you are. 247 00:13:53,730 --> 00:13:57,098 At this point in our Euro quiz, regulations require us 248 00:13:57,801 --> 00:14:01,356 to have a "Call My Euro Bluff" round. 249 00:14:01,356 --> 00:14:04,825 So, let's play "Call My Euro Bluff"! 250 00:14:11,156 --> 00:14:15,094 [as Robert Robinson] Ah...Good evening and welcome. No, hush, tish and pibble! 251 00:14:15,095 --> 00:14:18,187 Erm, so, it's, er...With whom shall we start? 252 00:14:20,225 --> 00:14:24,076 We'll start with David. David, give us some Euro regulation. 253 00:14:25,383 --> 00:14:28,984 "It's illegal to sell bananas if they're too curvy." 254 00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:32,722 What do we think? Anyone got a theory about that? 255 00:14:32,723 --> 00:14:36,309 I think that's true. - It's quite a well-known Euro regulation. Straight bananas. 256 00:14:36,310 --> 00:14:39,172 I...It's utter arse, of the highest order. 257 00:14:39,862 --> 00:14:41,995 So you're saying a bluff, are you? Well, what do you feel? 258 00:14:42,668 --> 00:14:46,654 I seem to recall this is one of those things that the Daily Mail would suddenly go, 259 00:14:46,655 --> 00:14:49,523 "How dare they say our bananas can't be bendy! 260 00:14:49,524 --> 00:14:52,081 Why, it's bendy bananas made this country what it is...!" 261 00:14:52,082 --> 00:14:53,353 - Yeah. - Balls. 262 00:14:53,353 --> 00:14:54,522 Yeah, you...So you think it's balls. 263 00:14:54,523 --> 00:14:55,783 Would you like to reveal, then? 264 00:14:56,665 --> 00:14:58,787 - Balls. - It's a bløff! 265 00:14:59,790 --> 00:15:01,793 It's just, you just have to say how big they are, 266 00:15:01,794 --> 00:15:05,145 which is fair enough, 'cause, you know, otherwise people would be selling tiny, pea-size bananas. 267 00:15:05,718 --> 00:15:07,980 The clincher is, the current E.U. standards 268 00:15:07,981 --> 00:15:11,219 are identical to the pre-existing British ones, 269 00:15:11,220 --> 00:15:13,959 and the United Nations ones, and the OECD ones. 270 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:15,799 I mean, it is...Nothing has changed. 271 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:19,715 Nothing is new except, as you say, the ability of the press to make things up and scare us 272 00:15:19,716 --> 00:15:21,108 that our bananas are going to be straightened. 273 00:15:21,995 --> 00:15:23,644 So...It's become rather political and rather exciting! 274 00:15:25,171 --> 00:15:26,575 Erm...er, Dara, what is yours? 275 00:15:26,576 --> 00:15:27,659 Okay, well, this actually is true. 276 00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:32,126 "Trawler men will soon be required to wear hairnets whilst fishing." 277 00:15:34,235 --> 00:15:35,770 Is this 'cause they're handling food? And that's, uh-- 278 00:15:35,771 --> 00:15:38,538 It's exactly...The point is to keep them clean right from the very start, so they're, that's why-- 279 00:15:39,246 --> 00:15:41,692 Convincing stuff. Well, what do we feel? 280 00:15:41,693 --> 00:15:43,178 Well, it makes practical sense as well, of course, 281 00:15:43,179 --> 00:15:46,204 because the hairnet could also, maybe, catch any smaller fish, 282 00:15:48,016 --> 00:15:51,409 like, you know, whitebait or scampi that might get in the hair of the fisherman, 283 00:15:51,410 --> 00:15:54,141 and then you just...At the end of the day, "Oh, there's another; that's...that's dinner". 284 00:15:54,142 --> 00:15:56,885 You're used to handling nets; what's your thoughts? 285 00:15:56,886 --> 00:15:59,902 Well, they wear hard hats now at Smithfield Market, and they never had to; 286 00:15:59,903 --> 00:16:02,642 they're always making people put things on their heads. 287 00:16:04,482 --> 00:16:06,310 Good point. 288 00:16:06,879 --> 00:16:08,884 No, I like that. Good. What do you feel, Phill? 289 00:16:08,885 --> 00:16:10,230 Yes. 290 00:16:10,231 --> 00:16:12,257 You think it's true as well, so most people seem to think this is true. 291 00:16:12,258 --> 00:16:15,407 Demonstrate...[as Robert Robinson] Tell us; put us out of our misery. 292 00:16:17,086 --> 00:16:19,973 Bløff. 293 00:16:19,974 --> 00:16:22,467 It's a bløff as well! It's not true. In fact, I quote Richard Littlejohn; 294 00:16:22,467 --> 00:16:25,973 he goes, "Oh, what a circus! The safety Nazis have forced fishermen 295 00:16:25,974 --> 00:16:28,530 to wear hairnets. You couldn't make it up!" 296 00:16:29,037 --> 00:16:31,061 Well, actually, oddly enough, Richard, 297 00:16:31,062 --> 00:16:32,674 you could and you did. 298 00:16:33,994 --> 00:16:36,078 Actually, it isn't as if it was... Littlejohn didn't make that up. 299 00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:37,220 No, he didn't, in fact. 300 00:16:37,221 --> 00:16:40,409 It was made up by British journalists in a bar in Brussels- - You're absolutely right. 301 00:16:40,783 --> 00:16:44,056 --who...who...who tried to run it to see "will people fall for this?" 302 00:16:44,768 --> 00:16:46,435 And the British press fell for it, completely. 303 00:16:46,436 --> 00:16:48,997 It's 'cause they know that people love their little five minutes 304 00:16:48,998 --> 00:16:50,828 of snorting anger over the breakfast... 305 00:16:50,829 --> 00:16:53,075 "Bloody people - what - oh, God - that's so...!" 306 00:16:53,604 --> 00:16:57,206 "It's ridiculous! You don't take an active interest in how your country's run 307 00:16:57,207 --> 00:16:58,755 for just 45 years, 308 00:16:58,756 --> 00:16:59,947 and look what happens!" 309 00:17:04,963 --> 00:17:06,919 Very good indeed. Absolutely right. 310 00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:08,550 So, we've had two bløffs. Phill. 311 00:17:08,837 --> 00:17:10,135 I should do that, shouldn't I? 312 00:17:10,136 --> 00:17:11,317 [as Robert Robinson] Aha! 313 00:17:11,890 --> 00:17:14,911 [as Robert Robinson] Would that it were, Stephen, would that it were. 314 00:17:16,148 --> 00:17:19,470 "From January 1st, 2008, circus tightrope-walkers 315 00:17:19,471 --> 00:17:21,692 will be required to wear hard hats." 316 00:17:22,180 --> 00:17:25,069 It's 'cause of an E.C. regulation about safety in the workplace. 317 00:17:25,070 --> 00:17:29,828 Anybody, if their feet are more than four feet off the ground, have to wear a hard hat. 318 00:17:30,554 --> 00:17:34,139 I would believe that during the performance, not, but during training, 319 00:17:34,983 --> 00:17:36,078 yes, er, bizarrely. 320 00:17:36,079 --> 00:17:37,579 Yeah, that sounds convincing. What do you think over there? 321 00:17:37,580 --> 00:17:38,702 I don't think... 322 00:17:39,184 --> 00:17:42,687 Well, if you fell off a tightrope, that'd fall off your head; that'd be hopeless. 323 00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:46,215 Without a chin strap, it's actually an added hazard, isn't it? 324 00:17:46,216 --> 00:17:48,759 It probably is. - It's going to fall... - Could fall on top of someone. Fall on someone and hurt them. 325 00:17:50,268 --> 00:17:52,171 So, what are you saying? Bluff? True? 326 00:17:52,171 --> 00:17:55,630 - Bløff! - Bløff! - Er, I'm saying it's a bluff. 327 00:17:55,630 --> 00:17:56,937 Reveal yourself, would you? 328 00:17:57,234 --> 00:17:59,057 Oh, it's also a bløff! 329 00:17:59,449 --> 00:18:03,997 The fact is, it is only true in the building and construction industry that you have to wear a hard hat at work. 330 00:18:03,998 --> 00:18:05,766 Presumably, for things where things come down on you 331 00:18:05,767 --> 00:18:07,588 rather than you going down on something else. 332 00:18:07,589 --> 00:18:08,747 Exactly right, yes. As it were. 333 00:18:10,462 --> 00:18:13,012 "Whoa, there! Put a hat on when you're going down there!" 334 00:18:16,397 --> 00:18:20,678 It was reported in the Times, the Daily Telegraph and, surprisingly, the Daily Mail, 335 00:18:20,678 --> 00:18:22,576 which is usually much more wise and thoughtful, 336 00:18:24,915 --> 00:18:27,755 that circus tightrope walkers are going to have to wear hard hats during their act. 337 00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,812 Mr. Archer, the Circus General Manager, added, 338 00:18:29,813 --> 00:18:31,873 "This is just another loony law from Brussels, 339 00:18:32,704 --> 00:18:35,610 and we're the only country stupid enough to pay any attention!" 340 00:18:36,088 --> 00:18:38,156 No, Mr. Archer, we're the only country stupid enough 341 00:18:38,157 --> 00:18:39,554 to believe it. 342 00:18:40,282 --> 00:18:41,463 Isn't that right? It's bizarre. 343 00:18:41,464 --> 00:18:42,720 Alan, have you got one? 344 00:18:42,721 --> 00:18:45,907 Yes, I have. I have got one. 345 00:18:47,863 --> 00:18:50,855 These, you may think are sausages. 346 00:18:50,856 --> 00:18:51,867 I do. Bangers. 347 00:18:52,874 --> 00:18:55,825 But they're not to be sausages soon; they're going to be called 348 00:18:55,825 --> 00:18:58,946 "emulsified high-fat offal tubes". 349 00:19:01,013 --> 00:19:02,770 That's what you have to have on the labels. - Because that's what they contain. 350 00:19:04,179 --> 00:19:07,608 And there is a sausage firm in Wales called Dragon Sausages, 351 00:19:07,981 --> 00:19:09,580 and they actually have to put on the label 352 00:19:09,581 --> 00:19:12,233 "No dragon included". 353 00:19:13,961 --> 00:19:14,894 [as Robert Robinson] What do we feel, team? 354 00:19:15,337 --> 00:19:17,988 I think that if you want a high-fat tube, 355 00:19:17,989 --> 00:19:21,577 I recommend the District Line between Bromley-by-Bow and Upminster. 356 00:19:22,526 --> 00:19:24,154 But I ... er, no. No.- No. 357 00:19:25,274 --> 00:19:26,406 No, I mean they may be technically known, 358 00:19:26,406 --> 00:19:28,788 but of course there'd be different names, and even different brands of sausages 359 00:19:28,788 --> 00:19:30,514 would have different names. No, of course it isn't. 360 00:19:30,514 --> 00:19:31,594 It's a scare. 361 00:19:31,595 --> 00:19:34,324 Yeah, I think I've heard... This story's been around for a long time, 362 00:19:34,325 --> 00:19:36,347 and yet sausages are still called sausages. 363 00:19:36,348 --> 00:19:38,120 Exactly, but is it true or is it false? 364 00:19:38,572 --> 00:19:41,799 It is a bløff! -It's also a bløff. Very good. 365 00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:44,121 And it's actually a line from "Yes, Minister". 366 00:19:45,346 --> 00:19:47,440 There you are, it's ... Anthony Jay and Jonathan Lynn wrote it. 367 00:19:47,441 --> 00:19:50,280 Well, that's it, ladies and gentlemen, from Euro Bluff. 368 00:19:56,089 --> 00:19:59,927 Though this is not to say, of course, that everything that comes out of Brussels makes sense. 369 00:19:59,928 --> 00:20:03,383 This, Mannekin Pis, is the symbol of Brussels, of course. 370 00:20:03,384 --> 00:20:06,315 Sometimes they dress her up, or him up, I should say, as Elvis, 371 00:20:06,316 --> 00:20:08,469 and sometimes it pees beer. 372 00:20:08,470 --> 00:20:09,541 What's it all about? 373 00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:11,942 I've seen it; it's the most unimpressive thing, 374 00:20:11,943 --> 00:20:15,153 apart from that mermaid in Copenhagen, which is also shite. 375 00:20:17,958 --> 00:20:20,271 Er, it's like, it's all these signs, and it's just a tin— ... It's like, yea big - and it's just-- 376 00:20:21,383 --> 00:20:22,558 Yep. Here we are, I've got a model of it. 377 00:20:22,559 --> 00:20:24,462 And it's actually not that scaled down, that model. 378 00:20:25,685 --> 00:20:27,580 In theory, this is a working one, I believe. 379 00:20:30,354 --> 00:20:32,503 That's pretty good, isn't it? 379.1 380 00:20:32,503 --> 00:20:36,131 Look at that. We like. 381 00:20:36,131 --> 00:20:37,275 Very nice indeed. 382 00:20:39,265 --> 00:20:40,635 Urrrrgh! You're drinking piss! 383 00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:43,863 If it's good enough for Sarah Myles, it's good enough for me. There is a theory-- 384 00:20:44,918 --> 00:20:46,596 Is there anything to do with elephants? 385 00:20:47,384 --> 00:20:48,534 Oh! Interesting. 386 00:20:48,534 --> 00:20:49,546 No. 387 00:20:51,521 --> 00:20:52,562 But, it's good that you're thinking! 388 00:20:52,563 --> 00:20:55,701 One of the theories is that Brussels was under siege, 389 00:20:56,542 --> 00:20:59,087 and the enemy were laying explosives around the city walls, 390 00:20:59,088 --> 00:21:03,248 and a little boy saw this and peed on the fuses, 391 00:21:03,249 --> 00:21:05,714 thus saving the city, and so is memorialised. 392 00:21:05,715 --> 00:21:07,836 I did that once, and blew the electricity in the house. 393 00:21:11,225 --> 00:21:14,988 There is another theory that it was the two-year-old Duke Godfried, 394 00:21:14,989 --> 00:21:19,209 and his troops put him up in a tree, where they were having a battle, 395 00:21:19,209 --> 00:21:22,450 in a basket, and from there he urinated on the enemies, and they lost the battle. 396 00:21:22,451 --> 00:21:24,602 That was, er, that was in 1142, that was. 397 00:21:24,603 --> 00:21:30,458 They stuck the Crown Prince, or whatever, in a tree that was... just... that the enemies were just underneath the tree? 398 00:21:30,459 --> 00:21:31,488 So it seems. 399 00:21:31,489 --> 00:21:32,995 You could throw a rock at the tree, right, and... 400 00:21:34,276 --> 00:21:36,046 How long has that statue been there, do you know? 401 00:21:36,047 --> 00:21:37,874 Er, 200 years. 402 00:21:38,278 --> 00:21:39,520 120 years. 403 00:21:39,797 --> 00:21:40,961 90 years. 404 00:21:42,673 --> 00:21:44,871 That's the point; it's a lot older than you might think. It's 14th century. 405 00:21:44,872 --> 00:21:47,727 1388, there's been a pissing boy in Brussels. - That's pretty good, isn't it, for a ... 406 00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:49,438 Still works. - Yeah. - Yeah! 407 00:21:50,580 --> 00:21:52,851 They get up there with a pipe cleaner every Sunday. 408 00:21:55,238 --> 00:21:56,913 It's been stolen seven times. - Seven times? 409 00:21:58,785 --> 00:22:02,774 Seven times. In 1817, one of the thieves who stole it got 20 years hard labour. 410 00:22:03,268 --> 00:22:06,372 In 1978, they got let off with a warning. 411 00:22:06,734 --> 00:22:09,058 No one ever gets 20 years easy work, do they? 412 00:22:09,058 --> 00:22:10,324 All the labour's hard labour. - Yes. 413 00:22:10,324 --> 00:22:13,066 Don't say "hard labour"... 414 00:22:13,067 --> 00:22:15,168 it's just rubbing it in. We know it's labour. You know. - Yeah. It's never ... Exactly. 415 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:18,455 Not saying, "Twenty years temping". 416 00:22:19,943 --> 00:22:21,880 Twenty years working in a call centre. 417 00:22:23,296 --> 00:22:25,673 So, nobody knows for sure why Brussels 418 00:22:25,674 --> 00:22:28,190 chooses to identify with an incontinent five-year-old. 419 00:22:28,673 --> 00:22:29,970 Bonne chance to them, however. 420 00:22:30,989 --> 00:22:33,370 Now, er, this brings us to the worst Euro nightmare of all, 421 00:22:33,371 --> 00:22:35,725 the single devalued currency, 422 00:22:36,340 --> 00:22:38,525 that we call General Ignorance, 423 00:22:38,526 --> 00:22:41,692 so fingers sur les buzzers, s'il vous plait. 424 00:22:41,693 --> 00:22:44,060 What is the highest mountain in Europe? 425 00:22:48,025 --> 00:22:49,230 - Yeah. - Mont Blanc. 426 00:22:51,038 --> 00:22:54,905 Oh! Sorry you said that; no, it isn't. It isn't. - Yes, it is! 427 00:22:58,782 --> 00:23:00,464 No. It does begin with an "E", if that's any help. 428 00:23:00,465 --> 00:23:02,208 Enormoblanc. - Very good. 429 00:23:07,930 --> 00:23:09,414 Mount Bianco... - Eiger? 430 00:23:09,415 --> 00:23:10,422 Not the Eiger, no. 431 00:23:10,828 --> 00:23:11,969 Etna? 432 00:23:12,411 --> 00:23:20,415 Oh! Hello! And did you say "Etna"? - I said... yeah. - Etna, eh? Ooh, no. No, indeed. 433 00:23:21,859 --> 00:23:26,563 It's ... it's some island. It's, er, from the bottom of the sea, if you measured... No? 434 00:23:26,564 --> 00:23:32,020 That's certainly Etna, isn't it, or strongly believed, but no, it's not. It's actually right on the borders of Europe, but it does count as Europe. It's definitely Europe. 435 00:23:32,020 --> 00:23:34,423 Is it somewhere in the Caucusus, or... ? - It is in the Caucusus. 436 00:23:35,558 --> 00:23:37,954 Oh, I don't know ... Which of the mountain names of the Caucusus? 437 00:23:40,092 --> 00:23:41,535 "Mount Elbrus" is the answer. Mount Elbrus. 438 00:23:42,696 --> 00:23:44,847 It's where Prometheus was supposedly chained for 439 00:23:44,847 --> 00:23:46,668 daring to steal fire from heaven, 440 00:23:46,669 --> 00:23:49,912 and he had his liver pecked out every day by vultures as punishment. 441 00:23:51,425 --> 00:23:52,496 Ooh! - Yes, that's gotta hurt. Erm .. 442 00:23:53,724 --> 00:23:56,270 You'd want to get it over with at the beginning of the day. Yeah. 443 00:23:57,976 --> 00:23:59,680 Yes, you would. 100 people attempt to climb the summit 444 00:23:59,681 --> 00:24:02,256 every day in the summer season when it's not too cold, 445 00:24:02,257 --> 00:24:04,201 and about thirty-odd die every year. 446 00:24:05,339 --> 00:24:07,287 Do you know that one in eight of people 447 00:24:07,288 --> 00:24:09,015 who've tried to climb Everest die? 448 00:24:09,756 --> 00:24:11,265 Really? That's a high attrition rate, isn't it? 449 00:24:11,266 --> 00:24:13,327 It's not good, is it? -Not good. Not good at all. 450 00:24:13,328 --> 00:24:15,825 You get acute mountain sickness 'cause you can't breathe, 451 00:24:16,516 --> 00:24:19,814 so your stomach won't accept food, so you start throwing up. 452 00:24:19,815 --> 00:24:21,301 Apparently, there are signs all the way up saying, 453 00:24:21,302 --> 00:24:24,139 "If you are throwing up and you have a headache, go back", 454 00:24:26,035 --> 00:24:27,079 but people don't. 455 00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:29,198 So, when you're putting your party together to go up Everest, 456 00:24:29,909 --> 00:24:32,522 just... If there's seven of you, just get one really... someone you don't like. 457 00:24:34,103 --> 00:24:35,508 Preferably with asthma. 458 00:24:35,509 --> 00:24:37,446 "Lead on, Wheezy!" 459 00:24:45,343 --> 00:24:51,329 In 1997, there was a Land Rover Defender that, drove to the very top of Mount Everest. 460 00:24:51,330 --> 00:24:54,842 Which is a high mountain: it's 18,510ft. 461 00:24:55,340 --> 00:24:58,163 It's also a very busy mountain for people climbing it, 462 00:24:58,533 --> 00:25:02,588 all of whom must have been thrilled to see someone drive past them. 463 00:25:07,642 --> 00:25:10,428 But it's, er, nearly 3,000ft higher than Mont Blanc. 464 00:25:11,565 --> 00:25:15,932 Now, audience, audience, audience, what are the first words of the German national anthem? 465 00:25:18,914 --> 00:25:22,596 - Deutschland, Deutschland über alles. 466 00:25:26,794 --> 00:25:28,776 No, ladies and gentlemen, you are wrong! And as there's so many of you ... 467 00:25:28,777 --> 00:25:29,894 You idiots! 468 00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:34,331 Minus 100, I fear. 469 00:25:34,787 --> 00:25:36,676 Welcome to our pain! 470 00:25:38,223 --> 00:25:41,281 They thought it was "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles". 471 00:25:41,282 --> 00:25:42,469 I didn't! 472 00:25:42,470 --> 00:25:44,172 No. You know what it is, don't you? 473 00:25:44,173 --> 00:25:45,368 Nope! 474 00:25:46,838 --> 00:25:47,914 I thought it was that. 475 00:25:49,023 --> 00:25:50,274 It hasn't been for a very long time. 476 00:25:50,661 --> 00:25:53,531 "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles" was the first verse 477 00:25:53,532 --> 00:25:56,238 that, for twelve years, was used as the German national anthem under the Nazis; 478 00:25:57,325 --> 00:25:59,909 now, after the Nazis, they decided to choose only the third verse, 479 00:25:59,910 --> 00:26:02,035 which is the least controversial verse. 480 00:26:02,353 --> 00:26:07,039 "Einigkeit und Recht und Freiheit / Für das deutsche Vaterland! 481 00:26:08,555 --> 00:26:13,475 Danach lasst uns alle streben / Brüderlich mit Herz und Hand!" 482 00:26:13,906 --> 00:26:15,375 I have an erection. 483 00:26:17,043 --> 00:26:19,109 It is hard not to be moved by that, isn't it? 484 00:26:19,691 --> 00:26:23,588 Er, so there we are. "Unity and justice and freedom for the German fatherland", 485 00:26:23,589 --> 00:26:26,069 not "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles". 486 00:26:27,666 --> 00:26:30,111 So, there we are. That's almost it. There is one last question. 487 00:26:30,112 --> 00:26:34,022 What is right under your noses and sounds like a bell? 488 00:26:34,292 --> 00:26:36,229 A smell. - No, it's a... 489 00:26:37,404 --> 00:26:39,509 It's been under your noses all evening. 490 00:26:39,510 --> 00:26:40,821 A buzzer? The elephant? The flags? 491 00:26:40,822 --> 00:26:42,455 The joke is "dung!" 492 00:26:43,122 --> 00:26:46,081 Your notebooks are made of elephant dung. 493 00:26:47,089 --> 00:26:48,415 You see? 494 00:26:49,142 --> 00:26:50,814 Recycled elephant dung. 495 00:26:51,432 --> 00:26:52,789 You cunningly put a thing-- 496 00:26:52,790 --> 00:26:54,834 It's like the end of The Usual Suspects, or something. 497 00:26:54,835 --> 00:26:56,746 It's been here all along! 498 00:27:00,043 --> 00:27:02,012 Which brings us to the scores. 499 00:27:02,013 --> 00:27:04,732 Soaring like a German eagle in the lead, 500 00:27:05,703 --> 00:27:07,698 with minus five, is... 501 00:27:08,199 --> 00:27:09,799 Phill Jupitus! 502 00:27:13,932 --> 00:27:16,530 On his heels, like a pair of Russian wolves 503 00:27:16,531 --> 00:27:19,011 with minus seven, it's David Mitchell. 504 00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:26,025 Well, now, this is... this is very, very tight; 505 00:27:26,026 --> 00:27:29,039 with minus twenty-six, in third place, Alan Davies! 506 00:27:33,196 --> 00:27:37,318 Tottering along in last place like an Albanian nanny goat, 507 00:27:38,484 --> 00:27:42,480 with only one fewer than Alan, on minus twenty-seven, Dara Ó Briain! 508 00:27:47,505 --> 00:27:48,719 But you'll be pleased to know, 509 00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:52,480 in very last place with minus one hundred, it's the audience! 510 00:28:01,148 --> 00:28:02,597 Well done. We've come to the end of our European adventure, 511 00:28:02,598 --> 00:28:04,218 so from Alan, it's: - Good night. 512 00:28:04,219 --> 00:28:07,000 And from David, it's: - Nos da. 513 00:28:07,324 --> 00:28:09,518 And from Dara it's: - Oíche mhaith. 514 00:28:10,570 --> 00:28:12,519 And from Phill it's: - Labanaktis. 515 00:28:13,334 --> 00:28:15,839 And finally, from me, it's "jó éjszakát". 516 00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:18,760 And I leave you with this thought from Jackie Mason: 517 00:28:18,761 --> 00:28:21,937 "80% of married men cheat in America. 518 00:28:22,497 --> 00:28:25,657 The rest cheat in Europe." Do svidaniya!