1 00:00:28,208 --> 00:00:31,912 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 2 00:00:31,913 --> 00:00:40,322 and welcome to QI-Spy, where tonight, the codeword is "Espionage"! 3 00:00:40,823 --> 00:00:45,582 [An ominous sting, on strings, plays on speakers.] 4 00:00:45,583 --> 00:00:53,883 Concealed amongst you are four masters of disguise. Special agent Jo Brand! 5 00:00:55,084 --> 00:00:59,084 Undercover man, Clive Anderson! 6 00:01:02,085 --> 00:01:06,085 Counter-intelligence operative, Vic Reeves! 7 00:01:09,086 --> 00:01:14,086 And the spy in the ointment, Alan Davies! 8 00:01:18,087 --> 00:01:27,087 Now, please identify yourself by your call signs. Jo goes: [Mission Impossible theme] 9 00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:33,788 Clive goes: [Peter Gunn theme] 10 00:01:33,789 --> 00:01:44,189 Vic goes: [Inspector Gadget theme] 11 00:01:44,190 --> 00:01:50,190 And Alan goes: [voice of a little girl lisping, "I spy with my little eye!"] 12 00:01:52,791 --> 00:01:57,691 And remember, in Series "E", the watchword is "constant vigilance". 13 00:01:57,692 --> 00:02:03,892 If you spy an elephant in the room inform your handler immediately. 14 00:02:03,893 --> 00:02:08,393 Now, first question. Do you know how to beat a lie detector? 15 00:02:08,394 --> 00:02:10,894 [Mission Impossible theme] - Jo. 16 00:02:10,895 --> 00:02:17,895 Spot of gentle masturbation? [Stephen breathes in and out uncertainly, lost for words] 17 00:02:17,896 --> 00:02:22,896 There is a... There's a kind of logic in what you're saying. Can you expand, as it were? 18 00:02:26,297 --> 00:02:29,097 You know what I mean! [Jo laughs shortly] 19 00:02:29,098 --> 00:02:30,298 Why would that help? 20 00:02:30,299 --> 00:02:36,599 Well, it would help because you'd get yourself into a slightly different, sort of, state of consciousness, 21 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:41,600 so that you would fool the lie detector into thinking that something was going on that actually wasn't going on. 22 00:02:41,601 --> 00:02:44,301 But I don't think that that's gonna work, because if you're rubbing your genitals, 23 00:02:44,302 --> 00:02:51,302 or they're in a state of excitement, you lie naturally anyway, so it'll be obvious... it'll be obvious whatever you say is a lie. 24 00:02:51,303 --> 00:02:54,503 - Well... - "I do love you!" Erm... 25 00:02:55,704 --> 00:02:57,704 - What's it called? A stenograph? - Well, it's a polygraph. 26 00:02:57,705 --> 00:02:59,005 - A polygraph. - Polygraph. 27 00:02:59,006 --> 00:03:02,506 It's called a polygraph, and it kind of tests the... detects your... your, erm, sweat, and-- 28 00:03:02,507 --> 00:03:03,407 - There are a number of things. - Blood pressure... 29 00:03:03,408 --> 00:03:08,108 Sweat, palpitations, vibrations in the body and various clenchings of muscles and so on. 30 00:03:08,109 --> 00:03:12,509 But in order to see how it works, you obviously have to ask people a series of questions 31 00:03:12,510 --> 00:03:17,410 to which they don't lie, like their name and their address. These are called control questions. 32 00:03:17,411 --> 00:03:21,611 So if you want to beat it, when you're being asked what your name is, 33 00:03:21,612 --> 00:03:23,512 sort of behave as if you were lying. 34 00:03:23,513 --> 00:03:28,513 In other words, either think very exciting thoughts or clench your anal sphincter. 35 00:03:29,314 --> 00:03:34,014 They have a pad, er, a lot of these things, where they sense involuntary clenches of the sphincter, 36 00:03:34,015 --> 00:03:36,015 which is a sign, apparently, of lying. 37 00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:37,816 - Is it? - So if you do it when you're telling the truth, 38 00:03:37,817 --> 00:03:41,317 they get completely thrown when you lie, because it's the same response. That's the point. 39 00:03:41,318 --> 00:03:43,418 Well, it's odd, 'cause on this programme, I've always got this. 40 00:03:43,419 --> 00:03:48,619 Sitting here, waiting for the next question. They could calibrate my anal sphincter from that. 41 00:03:48,620 --> 00:03:50,120 - But you would have to-- - That wouldn't stand up in court, Clive. 42 00:03:50,121 --> 00:03:51,921 Oddly enough, you can't use it in court in this country. 43 00:03:51,922 --> 00:03:55,022 No, you can't, and you can't in America, and they are just simply nonsense. 44 00:03:55,023 --> 00:03:59,023 I mean, the FBI have said that they're about as much use as astrology and tea leaves. 45 00:03:59,024 --> 00:04:04,524 - Do you remember who invented the polygraph machine? - Er, Polly Graph, herself! 46 00:04:04,525 --> 00:04:08,225 - He was... His name was William Marston, and he was the inventor of Wonder Woman. - Ah. 47 00:04:08,326 --> 00:04:12,026 Well, that's fantastic. That's a fantastic range of things to... Wonder Woman and the polygraph! 48 00:04:12,027 --> 00:04:13,427 - It is, isn't it? - That's an achievement. 49 00:04:13,428 --> 00:04:17,928 - A wide spectrum, exactly. - A wide spectrum will give you away! 50 00:04:17,929 --> 00:04:19,429 Hey. 51 00:04:21,830 --> 00:04:22,330 Hey. 52 00:04:22,331 --> 00:04:25,430 That's the first thing they're looking for! 53 00:04:26,831 --> 00:04:29,331 But the point is, you have to contract your anal sphincter... 54 00:04:29,332 --> 00:04:32,032 I say "anal sphincter" because, of course, there are actually lots of sphincters in the body, 55 00:04:32,033 --> 00:04:34,033 but the anal one-- - Well, why are you concentrating on the anal one? 56 00:04:34,034 --> 00:04:36,034 Because that's where they have a detector in the... in a pad. 57 00:04:36,035 --> 00:04:38,335 - A detective? Yes. - A detector. 58 00:04:38,336 --> 00:04:42,836 It's always the youngest one. "Right, you're underneath." "Why me?" 59 00:04:42,837 --> 00:04:46,037 "I've heard of going undercover, but this is ridiculous!" 60 00:04:46,038 --> 00:04:48,738 "Is he clenching it?" "No, not yet." 61 00:04:48,739 --> 00:04:52,139 You have to tighten the sphincter without clenching-- 62 00:04:53,140 --> 00:04:55,140 "No, nothing yet, sir." 63 00:04:56,741 --> 00:04:58,141 "Hang on." 64 00:04:59,142 --> 00:05:03,142 Can you do it without clenching your buttocks, though? Can you tighten the sphincter-- 65 00:05:03,143 --> 00:05:04,343 Can I do it without clenching my buttocks? 66 00:05:04,344 --> 00:05:06,644 Yeah. That's what you have to do. That's the little practice needed 67 00:05:06,645 --> 00:05:10,745 just so you can tighten your sphincter, but don't clench your buttocks. 68 00:05:11,046 --> 00:05:13,746 I'm strengthening my pelvic floor, I know I am. 69 00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:15,747 - Yeah? Doing that? - Yes, yes. 70 00:05:15,748 --> 00:05:17,148 - Yep. - What's this pad look like? 71 00:05:17,149 --> 00:05:20,149 I mean, has it got a tube? Is it like-- 72 00:05:20,150 --> 00:05:23,850 I'm doing it now! I'm doing it now! Do I look like I'm lying? 73 00:05:23,851 --> 00:05:28,251 Try not to roll your eyes. Try not to roll your eyes so that you can see the whites. 74 00:05:28,252 --> 00:05:30,552 I'm gripping quite hard on the seat! 75 00:05:31,053 --> 00:05:35,353 The other... The other way to beat the test is... is quite the opposite, is to relax completely. 76 00:05:35,354 --> 00:05:41,054 There was a man called Aldridge Ames, who was a double agent who worked for the Soviets but was also a CIA operative, 77 00:05:41,055 --> 00:05:45,855 and he beat the polygraph twice. And he was very nervous when he was going to be examined by the CIA, 78 00:05:45,856 --> 00:05:50,606 who were sort of on to him, and his Soviet handler said, er, "Get a good night's sleep and rest. 79 00:05:50,607 --> 00:05:55,207 Go into the test rested and relaxed. Be nice to the polygraph examiner, develop a rapport, 80 00:05:55,208 --> 00:05:59,208 be cooperative, and try and maintain your calm," and that was enough to beat it twice. 81 00:05:59,209 --> 00:06:02,009 You're certainly going to be nice to the one who's shoving the... the thing up your anal sphincter. 82 00:06:02,010 --> 00:06:04,210 - The pad, wouldn't you? Yes. - In the nature of things. 83 00:06:04,211 --> 00:06:06,211 You'd be pathetic with gratitude, wouldn't you? Yeah. 84 00:06:06,212 --> 00:06:07,212 Well, there you are. 85 00:06:07,213 --> 00:06:12,113 Apparently, the key to beating the lie detector is a discreet flexing if your anal sphincter. 86 00:06:12,114 --> 00:06:16,614 What's the best way to trick a female spy into exposing herself? 87 00:06:19,015 --> 00:06:21,315 - The best-known female spy was Mata Hari. - Yes, she was. 88 00:06:21,316 --> 00:06:24,916 And you didn't need to, er, get her to expose herself because she'd already done it. 89 00:06:24,917 --> 00:06:28,517 Because before she was a spy, she was a bit of an exotic, erotic dancer... 90 00:06:28,518 --> 00:06:31,818 - She... She was that. - I meant "expose herself" in purely innocent terms, 91 00:06:31,819 --> 00:06:35,819 and reveal herself to be a spy from another country. Someone... 92 00:06:35,820 --> 00:06:40,920 For example, this was actually discovered by Heinrich Müller, the head of the Gestapo. He discovered-- 93 00:06:40,921 --> 00:06:44,621 Do you have sexual intercourse with her and she cries out in her original language? 94 00:06:44,622 --> 00:06:47,922 You're so close. You're absolutely on the right lines. 95 00:06:47,923 --> 00:06:50,723 I don't care whether I'm close or not. I just want to try it a few times and, er... 96 00:06:50,724 --> 00:06:52,824 Unfortunately, there is a nine-month gap. 97 00:06:52,825 --> 00:06:54,625 - You get her pregnant-- - Yes! 98 00:06:54,626 --> 00:07:00,226 --and then if she's from Sweden, she says, "I'd like to call the baby Leif." And you know. 99 00:07:00,327 --> 00:07:05,727 - Apparently, according to the Gestapo, when a woman-- - Birth pains bring out your original language. 100 00:07:05,728 --> 00:07:09,628 - When a... Exactly. When a woman screams with birth pain-- - "Fuck!" 101 00:07:09,629 --> 00:07:12,129 - ...she can't help doing it in her own language. - I'm guessing. 102 00:07:12,130 --> 00:07:16,530 - It's not terribly efficient, time-wise, though, is it? - No. It is the one-- 103 00:07:16,531 --> 00:07:20,831 "We need to know where the bomb has been planted." "Just... Just a minute, sir! I'll get it out of her!" 104 00:07:24,332 --> 00:07:27,532 It obviously is a wait, and that is the huge disadvantage. 105 00:07:27,533 --> 00:07:33,733 But a female Russian radio operator, operating in Germany during World War Two, was exposed this way when pregnant. 106 00:07:33,734 --> 00:07:38,434 She couldn't help swearing in Russian, er, having spoken perfect German and been taken to be a German. 107 00:07:38,435 --> 00:07:40,535 Heinrich Müller was... was the head of the Gestapo, 108 00:07:40,536 --> 00:07:44,636 and was probably the only senior Nazi to escape completely without trace. 109 00:07:44,637 --> 00:07:49,637 He walked out of the Führerbunker, 29th of April, 1945, and was never seen or heard of again. 110 00:07:49,638 --> 00:07:53,338 - Until tonight! - Until tonight! I believe... ! 111 00:07:53,339 --> 00:07:55,539 [Alan whips off his had and cackles demonically] 112 00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:59,740 Now, what did Harry Houdini hide behind the mirror? 113 00:08:00,541 --> 00:08:04,741 Ooh. We know he was killed by somebody punching him in the stomach. 114 00:08:04,742 --> 00:08:06,442 - A boy, wasn't it? - Yes, it was one of his students. 115 00:08:06,443 --> 00:08:09,243 Doing... Doing one of his usual tricks, but he wasn't... he wasn't ready for it. 116 00:08:09,244 --> 00:08:11,444 I think... he hid one of those! 117 00:08:11,445 --> 00:08:14,545 - You are right, Jo Brand! Hey! - Well done. 118 00:08:15,846 --> 00:08:22,846 Yes! Well done. Elephant in the room. Very good, indeed. 119 00:08:22,847 --> 00:08:25,347 So, how did he hide a... an elephant behind a mirror? 120 00:08:25,348 --> 00:08:29,048 It was his greatest stage illusion. He was said to be not a very good magician, 121 00:08:29,049 --> 00:08:34,049 partly because his personality was very tiresome, and he just didn't have any panache onstage. Obviously-- 122 00:08:34,050 --> 00:08:35,850 I can't think of any magicians like that today! 123 00:08:35,851 --> 00:08:40,651 No! He was obviously a great, er, escapologist, but he brought this elephant, called Jenny, onto stage, 124 00:08:40,652 --> 00:08:45,252 and instantly, she disappeared in front of the audience. And it was a remarkable trick. 125 00:08:45,253 --> 00:08:49,153 No one knew how he did it, and he didn't reveal the secret. But having said that-- 126 00:08:49,154 --> 00:08:51,154 - The elephant knew! - The elephant, apparently-- 127 00:08:51,155 --> 00:08:55,655 - It never forgot. It never forgot. - Actually, Houdini's quoted as saying, 128 00:08:55,656 --> 00:08:57,956 - "Even the elephant does not know how it's done." - Yeah. 129 00:08:57,957 --> 00:09:04,057 Essentially, it involved a mirror folding back that revealed, er, an identically-done box in the flies of the thing. 130 00:09:04,058 --> 00:09:08,058 So it reflected back and made it look as if you were looking at the... the empty crate. 131 00:09:08,059 --> 00:09:08,959 It's all done with mirrors. 132 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:12,960 All done with mirrors! Yes, exactly. And it was impressive for those who sat in the right place. 133 00:09:12,961 --> 00:09:15,061 The best things he did... Houdini would go around the place 134 00:09:15,062 --> 00:09:18,562 exposing charlatans and frauds. That's what he was really good at. 135 00:09:18,563 --> 00:09:19,963 You're absolutely right. 136 00:09:19,964 --> 00:09:22,664 He knew when people were tricking people out of money and conning people. 137 00:09:22,665 --> 00:09:25,565 Well, like all magicians, obviously, they only have to look at someone 138 00:09:25,566 --> 00:09:29,066 who claims to be a spiritualist or a mind reader, and you know they're just using magic. 139 00:09:29,067 --> 00:09:32,367 I mean, it's what Darren Brown does; it's what James Randy does in America. 140 00:09:32,568 --> 00:09:38,268 So, who did Harry Houdini come in combative relations to? Because there was a great man of the age who, rather tragically, 141 00:09:38,269 --> 00:09:41,969 did believe in spiritualism and mediums and dead people being able to talk. 142 00:09:41,970 --> 00:09:43,070 - Oh, I don't know. Not-- - Was it, erm . . . 143 00:09:43,071 --> 00:09:44,871 - He was a Briton. - Was it Conan Doyle or something? 144 00:09:44,872 --> 00:09:46,072 - It was Arthur Conan Doyle-- - Yeah. Yeah. 145 00:09:46,073 --> 00:09:48,173 - ...who created Sherlock Holmes, who sadly-- - Believed in fairies, or-- 146 00:09:48,174 --> 00:09:52,374 ...devoted the last twenty to thirty years of his life believing in fairies and spiritualism and things, 147 00:09:52,375 --> 00:09:55,675 and Houdini was foursquare against it, but it was a period when 148 00:09:55,676 --> 00:09:58,676 a lot of people did sort of believe in these kinds of... and ectoplasm. 149 00:09:58,677 --> 00:10:03,277 There's a great story about Conan Doyle, actually. Just for a joke one day, he wrote a note saying, 150 00:10:03,278 --> 00:10:08,578 "We are discovered; flee immediately," and he sent it to five of his friends to see what they would do, 151 00:10:08,579 --> 00:10:13,179 and one of them disappeared! Isn't that brilliant! 152 00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:17,480 - Yeah. - And they had no idea why, but they never saw him again. 153 00:10:18,881 --> 00:10:25,381 So Houdini, yes, as you were saying, he was punched in the stomach by a student whose name was J Gordon Whitehead, erm... 154 00:10:25,382 --> 00:10:27,182 - Apparently, he wasn't ready-- - Yes. 155 00:10:27,183 --> 00:10:30,783 --'cause he's claimed that he could be punched at any time by anyone and he could take that punch, 156 00:10:30,784 --> 00:10:35,084 but this guy just tapped him on the shoulder and went like that before he could tense his muscles. 157 00:10:35,085 --> 00:10:38,885 Supposedly, er, that's what ruptured something and caused peritonitis, 158 00:10:38,886 --> 00:10:42,886 though it's now believed that he might actually have had appendicitis already-- 159 00:10:42,887 --> 00:10:45,187 - Yeah. - ...so it merely just, er, exacerbated it. 160 00:10:45,188 --> 00:10:47,088 Didn't make the student feel any better, though, did it? 161 00:10:47,089 --> 00:10:51,589 No. But there's been a recent demand to have his body exhumed, and it may even be so, er... 162 00:10:51,590 --> 00:10:52,890 You'd never get it out. You'll never get it out of the coffin. 163 00:10:52,891 --> 00:10:56,191 - Hey, hey! Very good. - It won't be in there! 164 00:10:57,592 --> 00:11:01,692 But they... They want to test it for poison, because there are those who believe that spiritualists poisoned him 165 00:11:01,693 --> 00:11:04,193 because he was giving them such a bad name, but I think that's, er... 166 00:11:04,194 --> 00:11:05,494 Can you test bones if you've been poisoned? 167 00:11:05,495 --> 00:11:09,695 Oh, you can test bodies for poison for... 'Cause of the hair, which never goes away; that retains a lot of poison-- 168 00:11:09,696 --> 00:11:15,296 - That's what you think. - Very good! 169 00:11:18,497 --> 00:11:24,297 Houdini was pretty remarkable, though. He could pick up pins with his eyelashes. Eyelashes still attached to his eyes. 170 00:11:24,298 --> 00:11:25,698 - I could do that. - Yeah, can you, really? 171 00:11:25,699 --> 00:11:28,199 You're pretty extraordinary, too. He could also undo knows-- 172 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:29,400 Not much of a stage act, though, is it? 173 00:11:29,401 --> 00:11:30,801 - No, but it was a technique-- - Yeah. 174 00:11:30,802 --> 00:11:32,802 - ...he used for his escapology. That's the point. - Oh, I see. 175 00:11:32,803 --> 00:11:35,403 - When he was naked and he was bound, and he was in a cell-- - Yeah. 176 00:11:35,404 --> 00:11:39,404 ...he had probably managed to get to the cell beforehand and leave pins almost invisibly there, 177 00:11:39,405 --> 00:11:43,005 that he could then pick up, manouever down to his mouth, and then use. 178 00:11:43,006 --> 00:11:45,306 - Tip of his tongue? Oh, extraordinary. - He could undo knots and thread a needle-- 179 00:11:45,307 --> 00:11:47,707 - With his penis. - ...with his toes. Yeah, with his feet, exactly. 180 00:11:47,708 --> 00:11:51,508 - No, his penis. - Oh, with his penis. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 181 00:11:51,509 --> 00:11:55,009 I misread. I misread the... No, it is actually "toes", funnily enough! 182 00:11:55,610 --> 00:11:58,810 On this occasion, you're not right, Alan. Erm, I don't know how that could be. 183 00:11:59,211 --> 00:12:03,811 Anyway, Houdini hid an elephant in the Hippodrome and never told anyone where he'd put it. 184 00:12:03,812 --> 00:12:07,712 How can you tell when you've run out of invisible ink? How never. 185 00:12:09,713 --> 00:12:12,113 Don't you discover... You see if invisible ink is there 186 00:12:12,114 --> 00:12:14,014 by putting lemon or something on it? So you'd have to just check-- 187 00:12:14,015 --> 00:12:15,215 - It is lemon. - Oh, it is lemon. 188 00:12:15,216 --> 00:12:15,916 Lemon itself is the invisible ink. 189 00:12:15,917 --> 00:12:17,917 Well... Well, you put something on it to make it... You heat it up? Or-- 190 00:12:17,918 --> 00:12:19,918 - Heat it. Yes. - Heat it. So you'd have to keep heating it and check. 191 00:12:19,919 --> 00:12:20,919 - Exactly. - "Oh, that's all right." 192 00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:22,820 Exactly, that's what you do. There's a... Lemon and... 193 00:12:22,821 --> 00:12:26,321 Popular household ones are lemon and milk, oddly enough, will... will do it. 194 00:12:26,322 --> 00:12:29,022 - But the man who founded MI6-- - Yeah. 195 00:12:29,023 --> 00:12:32,323 --whose, er, codename was "C", who was a very eccentric and extraordinary man... 196 00:12:32,324 --> 00:12:37,524 He discovered something else that would work as invisible ink. Something that all his spies-- 197 00:12:37,525 --> 00:12:39,225 - Semen. - ...carried around with them, exactly! 198 00:12:39,226 --> 00:12:40,226 - Semen. - Exactly. 199 00:12:40,227 --> 00:12:51,627 He said, "Every man has his own stylo." Erm... His name, rather pleasingly, was Mansfield Smith Cumming. It's all true. 200 00:12:51,928 --> 00:12:54,428 "My name is Cumming. Mansfield Smith Cumming." 201 00:12:54,429 --> 00:12:55,529 - Yeah, exactly. - Mansfield Smith Cumming. 202 00:12:55,530 --> 00:13:01,030 I can imagine he couldn't even write his own name, though, could he? It was a bit long. Do you know what I mean? 203 00:13:01,031 --> 00:13:02,631 - True. - He'd just do a "C". 204 00:13:06,332 --> 00:13:07,532 Oh, lawks! 205 00:13:07,533 --> 00:13:11,533 He could do it on the ceiling! When he was a younger man, obviously. 206 00:13:11,534 --> 00:13:15,434 Yes, obviously. Dear, oh, dear! 207 00:13:15,435 --> 00:13:20,035 There... There's a paining by Marcel Duchamp called "The Bride Stripped"-- 208 00:13:20,036 --> 00:13:23,836 - "Bare by the Bachelors". - Yeah. Well, there's this sort of smudge... smudgy affair on it. 209 00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:28,337 And... And, er... He was in love with this woman, and he had an affair with this woman for a long time, 210 00:13:28,338 --> 00:13:32,738 and whenever he thought about her, he... he filled one of his paint pots-- 211 00:13:32,739 --> 00:13:37,539 - With his . . . - ...with his thoughts! And they analysed the painting, 212 00:13:37,540 --> 00:13:39,340 - ...which was between two pieces of glass-- - Yeah. 213 00:13:39,341 --> 00:13:43,241 ...and they analysed the smudge, and it is just a... a huge amount of semen. 214 00:13:43,242 --> 00:13:45,242 Oh, splendid. Well, they're very interesting-- 215 00:13:45,243 --> 00:13:47,343 And he knew about what that painting was about, but no one else did. 216 00:13:47,344 --> 00:13:50,344 That's rather pleasing, isn't it? It's a gift to his loved one. 217 00:13:50,345 --> 00:13:57,545 Erm, do you know that story of the Pittsburgh bank robber? He was arrested for... while robbing a bank. 218 00:13:57,546 --> 00:14:01,246 He was seen on a... squinting rather oddly, but on a surveillance camera in the bank, 219 00:14:01,247 --> 00:14:05,147 and he was astonished to be stopped by the police. And... And he said, 220 00:14:05,148 --> 00:14:08,048 "How did you see me? I had the lemon juice all over my face!" 221 00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:17,849 Somebody had told him that if he covered himself in lemon juice, he wouldn't be visible. This was in 1995. Bless him! 222 00:14:19,450 --> 00:14:22,450 You know, you can also get rid of a port wine stain on the face with lemon. 223 00:14:22,751 --> 00:14:24,451 - Can you? - No! 224 00:14:27,452 --> 00:14:30,752 I fall for it every time! It's pathetic, isn't it? Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. 225 00:14:31,553 --> 00:14:37,653 Anyway, erm, invisible ink. Er, the answer to a question we can't tell anybody has ever asked. 226 00:14:37,954 --> 00:14:43,754 Something more tangible now, however. How did loo paper help to win the Cold War? 227 00:14:44,255 --> 00:14:48,555 Was there a shortage of loo paper in the, er, eastern part of the world, and they-- 228 00:14:48,556 --> 00:14:49,556 - There was-- - Yes. 229 00:14:49,557 --> 00:14:51,357 ...a shortage of loo paper behind the Iron Curtain. 230 00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:55,558 - The loo paper was made in America, let's say-- - Ah. 231 00:14:55,559 --> 00:14:59,259 ...and then they didn't let the Russians have any, so they were confused. 232 00:14:59,860 --> 00:15:04,560 That would have been clever. What happened is, the Russians instead used documents, er, 233 00:15:05,261 --> 00:15:09,761 and all kinds of things for loo paper because... there was nothing else to use. 234 00:15:09,762 --> 00:15:12,162 - And an operation called Operation Tamarisk-- - Documents?! 235 00:15:12,163 --> 00:15:18,963 meant that the spies behind the Iron Curtain had to go into these bins and find the paper that had been used-- 236 00:15:18,964 --> 00:15:22,464 --'cause it wasn't soluble like lavatory paper, and couldn't be used in the sewage system. 237 00:15:22,465 --> 00:15:24,765 - Oh, right. - So it was thrown out in bins. 238 00:15:24,766 --> 00:15:27,566 - Gone right off spying, now! - You see! 239 00:15:27,567 --> 00:15:30,367 - I used to think it was quite glamorous. - It's not all glamour, I'm afraid! 240 00:15:30,368 --> 00:15:37,568 Because in military hospitals, the paper refuse that they went through also contained amputated limbs. 241 00:15:37,569 --> 00:15:42,469 And the spies were complaining to their handlers back in America and the UK and France, and said, you know, 242 00:15:42,470 --> 00:15:45,870 "It's horrible; We've got to go through bins and there's these amputated limbs. 243 00:15:45,871 --> 00:15:50,471 And we're gotta go through those as well as used lavatory paper." And then, of course, their spymaster said, 244 00:15:50,472 --> 00:15:53,972 "Oh, bring back the limbs, as well! We want to see what sort of shrapnel they're using!" 245 00:15:53,973 --> 00:15:58,673 So they had to carry around severed limbs and excreted matter. 246 00:15:58,674 --> 00:16:01,374 So if they were stopped going through customs: "Could you just open the bag?" 247 00:16:03,175 --> 00:16:04,275 - It's a bit of a shock. - Yes. 248 00:16:04,276 --> 00:16:07,676 - Even... Even for a customs officer who's seen everything. - "It's for personal use!" 249 00:16:10,477 --> 00:16:15,477 But apparently, according to The Hidden Hand, by Richard Aldridge, a book that covers this, 250 00:16:15,478 --> 00:16:22,278 it says that operation Tamarisk was "very successful". It... Maybe without it, we'd still have communist Russia. Who knows? 251 00:16:22,579 --> 00:16:27,979 But how would you use gummy bears to rob a bank? 252 00:16:27,980 --> 00:16:32,580 - Pass them over. I... I need to look at them. - I thought you might. 253 00:16:33,381 --> 00:16:35,181 - I might just take a handful myself-- - Okay. 254 00:16:35,182 --> 00:16:36,982 ...because I happen to be rather partial. 255 00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:41,683 - Aren't they good? 256 00:16:41,684 --> 00:16:43,084 - What I would do-- - Yeah? 257 00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:49,785 ...is sneak up behind the... the bank clerks and push them into their eyes! Where they couldn't... 258 00:16:49,786 --> 00:16:55,386 On a hot... Perhaps on a hot day, so they couldn't actually peel them off. While I'd just go and riffle through the drawers. 259 00:16:55,387 --> 00:16:57,987 - Any other thoughts? - Just simply bribery. 260 00:16:59,588 --> 00:17:04,688 - Not much people wouldn't' do for a gummy bear! - "Give me the money!" "No!" "Gummy bear?" "Ohh..." 261 00:17:05,689 --> 00:17:13,189 - Bring them to life and use them as a tiny jelly army. - Yes! I want to see that. 262 00:17:13,590 --> 00:17:16,090 If you stuck them all over your face, they could be a brilliant disguise, 263 00:17:16,091 --> 00:17:19,791 'cause you'd just look like an idiot with lots of sweets stuck to your face. They'd never suspect you. 264 00:17:19,792 --> 00:17:22,692 - It would be called "bear-faced cheek", wouldn't it? - Are they made-- 265 00:17:23,993 --> 00:17:25,693 Now! 266 00:17:25,694 --> 00:17:26,694 Sorry. 267 00:17:27,895 --> 00:17:31,995 Can you use them as some sort of plastic explosives? Are they in that family? 268 00:17:31,996 --> 00:17:36,496 - It's... Well, not gelignite, but what are they made of? - Gelatin. 269 00:17:36,497 --> 00:17:40,097 - Gelatin, yeah. If you melt them down, all right-- - You can make a whale. 270 00:17:42,598 --> 00:17:52,398 A Japanese cryptographer whose name is Tsutomo Matsumoto has found that he can fool 80% of all fingerprint detectors 271 00:17:52,399 --> 00:18:00,999 using a fake finger made from gummy bears. You get someone's finger, and you dip it in the mould material-- 272 00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:05,900 --and you make a mould, then you pour the gelatin into the mould, and you've got yourself a little gummy finger. 273 00:18:05,901 --> 00:18:08,501 You do that when you go to America, now. They make you do that. 274 00:18:08,502 --> 00:18:09,602 Yes. They do. 275 00:18:09,603 --> 00:18:13,303 So you've got to get the bank manager to put his finger in your gum first? 276 00:18:13,304 --> 00:18:14,704 - Well, that was his first thing. - Yes. 277 00:18:14,705 --> 00:18:18,205 Obviously, he was doing it as an experiment, but he's discovered, with the same rate of success, 278 00:18:18,206 --> 00:18:22,606 all he has to do is just take someone's fingerprint photographed off glass-- 279 00:18:22,607 --> 00:18:24,107 - Yes. - ...and he can make a gummy finger. 280 00:18:24,108 --> 00:18:28,008 - So there, an unwilling person-- - Or, you can use a monkey. 281 00:18:30,509 --> 00:18:33,709 - How? - 'Cause they've got fingerprints! 282 00:18:33,710 --> 00:18:36,510 Well, they have, but you have to have the fingerprints that are recognised by the machine, 283 00:18:36,511 --> 00:18:40,711 so the monkey that runs that particular company that you want to get into, obviously... 284 00:18:43,012 --> 00:18:46,212 Or, what would happen, though, if you worked in the pineapple industry? 285 00:18:46,213 --> 00:18:47,313 - Free pineapples! 286 00:18:47,314 --> 00:18:51,614 You would get free pineapples, but can you think of anything related to your fingerprints and pineapples? 287 00:18:51,615 --> 00:18:56,015 - Well, they're get... They get... Quite spiky! - They are spiky. That's true. 288 00:18:56,016 --> 00:18:59,016 The pineapple is the only fruit to have fingerprints. 289 00:19:00,017 --> 00:19:06,917 It... It has an enzyme, er, which is called Bromelin, 'cause they're bromeliads, aren't they, 290 00:19:06,918 --> 00:19:13,118 pineapples, and bromelin actually erases and destroys the fingerprints of people who work with pineapples. 291 00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:16,919 It was used as a plot point in an episode of Hawaii Five-O, would you believe? 292 00:19:17,620 --> 00:19:21,820 Episode one, I should think! Because they're really... Pineapples are supposed to be very good if you've got mouth ulcers, 293 00:19:21,821 --> 00:19:28,521 er, so that... that would, I assume, be the same sort of process. Seizing up your mouth ulcers; removing your fingerprints. 294 00:19:28,522 --> 00:19:34,722 It might be. Proteolysis, it's called, which is the... the eating of proteins by enzymes. The digestion of them. 295 00:19:34,723 --> 00:19:42,923 So if I left my fingers in a... in a tin of, erm, pineapple rings overnight, I would... I could become a master criminal by morning! 296 00:19:43,024 --> 00:19:47,624 - It's perfectly possible! - You could just have five pineapple chunks. 297 00:19:49,325 --> 00:19:51,725 "What are you doing?" "I'm preparing for the raid." 298 00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:57,326 If you didn't have any fingerprints, would you be allowed into America? 299 00:19:57,327 --> 00:20:00,027 That would mean somebody without any hands wouldn't be allowed to go. 300 00:20:00,028 --> 00:20:02,328 That'd mean there would be no pineapple workers in America. 301 00:20:02,329 --> 00:20:10,629 Yeah. And that... that way, madness lies. Surely. Now, what's the best thing to do in a falling lift? 302 00:20:11,030 --> 00:20:13,630 [Peter Gunn theme] Yes, Clive. 303 00:20:13,631 --> 00:20:15,731 Well, strictly speaking, I don't know, but I'd like to... 304 00:20:15,732 --> 00:20:21,032 to say that I once interviewed a man who had been in a falling lift, and we were investigating the theory, 305 00:20:21,033 --> 00:20:27,533 which I know I'll lose points for if I say it out loud, that by jumping up just before it hits the ground, you can, sort of-- 306 00:20:27,534 --> 00:20:31,734 [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] You see, there it is! We were investigating this theory-- 307 00:20:31,735 --> 00:20:36,435 - Yes. It's so very unfair to forfeit you there. - ...and he, erm... he was sort of very deadpan about it 308 00:20:36,436 --> 00:20:42,036 and he had survived this experience, and he... he sort of said that maybe jumping up may have... may have helped, but, er... 309 00:20:42,037 --> 00:20:49,337 What about making everyone else in the lift lie down, so that when you splat on the ground, you're sort of cushioned by them? 310 00:20:49,338 --> 00:20:52,038 This is it. This is more or less what... what Clive was saying about the thing... 311 00:20:52,039 --> 00:20:55,439 It is, basically, lie down on a fat person as you're going down. 312 00:20:56,340 --> 00:21:00,040 - No wonder everyone smiles when I get in the lift! - And that's probably the best one. 313 00:21:01,041 --> 00:21:03,041 Particularly when you get in and have a lie down! 314 00:21:05,042 --> 00:21:07,242 - A long journey, you might. - Which I often do! 315 00:21:07,843 --> 00:21:11,843 Sometimes, they give the rather alarming advice of "bend your knees slightly just so when you hit the ground, 316 00:21:11,844 --> 00:21:15,044 your thigh bones don't go up through your abdomen". But that's pretty unpleasant. 317 00:21:15,045 --> 00:21:18,645 - Has this even happened? - Erm, well... Yes and no. 318 00:21:18,646 --> 00:21:22,246 The rope snaps and you say, "Would you mind lying down so I can lie on top of you?" 319 00:21:22,247 --> 00:21:24,047 You've only got a couple of seconds to think about it. 320 00:21:24,048 --> 00:21:26,948 While hurtling to the ground. Well, first of all, it is a very improbably scenario, 321 00:21:26,949 --> 00:21:32,049 because multiple cables support every lift, each cable capable of holding the entire lift. 322 00:21:32,050 --> 00:21:34,850 - There's no rope, then. - Plus, if they were all to go, they... 323 00:21:34,851 --> 00:21:38,551 they have emergency brakes on them, and they have had, since, you know, the 1850s and '60s. 324 00:21:38,552 --> 00:21:42,652 Don't you think they should tell people that write thrillers about that fact? 325 00:21:42,653 --> 00:21:46,053 Er, yeah. They don't have strange little vents that you can climb up through. 326 00:21:46,054 --> 00:21:47,254 They're always plunging to their death, aren't they? 327 00:21:47,255 --> 00:21:49,355 What is it when... There are people who are frightened of being in lifts. 328 00:21:49,356 --> 00:21:52,256 What are they actually frightened of? Are they frightened of this happening? 329 00:21:52,257 --> 00:21:55,157 Or getting stuck. A kind of claustrophobia mixed with that. 330 00:21:55,158 --> 00:22:01,058 Er, in a skyscraper, lifts can achieve speeds of up to 120 mph by the time it hits the bottom. 331 00:22:01,059 --> 00:22:06,059 But the problem with jumping is, it might take 5 mph of this 120 if you did it. 332 00:22:06,060 --> 00:22:10,460 You'd have to time it perfectly. Plus, lifts bounce, 'cause there's springs at the bottom. 333 00:22:10,461 --> 00:22:13,161 So you'd be in real trouble; you'd bang your head and everything. 334 00:22:13,162 --> 00:22:17,862 So, yeah. Basically, just "get the impact cushioned" is the answer. 335 00:22:17,863 --> 00:22:23,163 Now, there was a time when all the cable on a lift were sheared off, in, er, the Empire State Building. 336 00:22:23,164 --> 00:22:27,064 - Do you know about this story? - Ah, there was a huge ape on the outside. 337 00:22:27,065 --> 00:22:32,265 - I've seen it. And his paw was just covered in... this thing, and... - It was beauty! 338 00:22:32,266 --> 00:22:33,766 - Dreadful, yes. - Beauty brought down the lift. 339 00:22:33,767 --> 00:22:36,267 It sounds like a murder attempt of some sort. 340 00:22:36,268 --> 00:22:38,968 - Er, no, it was... it was an aeroplane. - A criminal act? 341 00:22:38,969 --> 00:22:45,669 A B-25 bomber in 1945 collided with the building, in an eerie foreshadowing of 9/11, I suppose you would say. 342 00:22:45,670 --> 00:22:50,670 In fact, it's the... the only time before 9/11 such a thing had happened. Killed eleven of the office workers, 343 00:22:50,671 --> 00:22:56,271 and one of the engines broke off and actually sheared through all the cables on a lift. There were two women in that lift. 344 00:22:56,272 --> 00:22:59,272 The brakes did work, and they went all the way down to the bottom and survived, 345 00:22:59,273 --> 00:23:01,673 'cause they just slowed it... slowed it right down. 346 00:23:01,674 --> 00:23:06,574 So it proved Otis's point that, er, you know, their safety measures are pretty damn good. 347 00:23:06,975 --> 00:23:12,075 So, there you have it. Yes, the best thing to do in a falling lift is lie on top of a fat person like me. 348 00:23:12,076 --> 00:23:17,576 So, er, to the padded cell of General Ignorance, where our victims protest that they know nothing, 349 00:23:17,577 --> 00:23:22,477 but we go ahead and torture them anyway. In which country are you most likely to see a tornado? 350 00:23:24,078 --> 00:23:28,678 ["I spy with my little eye!"] Yes, Alan. 351 00:23:28,679 --> 00:23:31,979 - I'm going, er, Russia. - It is not the right answer. 352 00:23:31,980 --> 00:23:35,680 [Mission Impossible theme] Luxembourg. 353 00:23:37,681 --> 00:23:39,781 A wild stab in the dark, or do you know something? 354 00:23:39,782 --> 00:23:41,782 - I know something. - It's not right. 355 00:23:41,783 --> 00:23:42,483 [Inspector Gadget theme] Yes. 356 00:23:42,484 --> 00:23:48,584 - Derbyshire. I know it's got to be somewhere like that. - It is a country, rather than a county. 357 00:23:49,485 --> 00:23:51,785 [Mission Impossible theme] America. 358 00:23:51,786 --> 00:23:54,586 [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] Oh, Jo, you fell for it. 359 00:23:54,587 --> 00:23:57,987 - That'll do it. Mongolia. - Er, no. 360 00:23:57,988 --> 00:24:00,888 - Kazakhstan. - Are you going to go through all the "-stans"? 361 00:24:00,889 --> 00:24:02,589 - Yes! - 'Cause I'm going to say "no" to them all! 362 00:24:02,990 --> 00:24:04,690 - Not "Kazak-", not "Uzbeki-"-- - Can we do a... 363 00:24:04,691 --> 00:24:06,591 Can you give us a clue? Can you give us a continent? 364 00:24:06,592 --> 00:24:10,392 - Yes, we're in it. - Europe. Germany. 365 00:24:10,393 --> 00:24:12,893 - We're even more in it! - England! 366 00:24:12,894 --> 00:24:14,994 - England? - "The United Kingdom" is the right answer, yes. 367 00:24:14,995 --> 00:24:18,795 Well, hang on, then, Stephen. You've got to back this up, er... When did you last see a tornado in-- 368 00:24:18,796 --> 00:24:21,896 - There was one in Birmingham last... It was on the news. - That's it. 369 00:24:21,897 --> 00:24:27,597 On the 21st of November, 1981, there were 104 tornadoes in Britain in a single day. 370 00:24:27,598 --> 00:24:30,598 - Which day? - 21st of November, 1981. - Oh, right. Yes. 371 00:24:30,599 --> 00:24:36,199 A University of Leeds study in 2004 suggested that the actual average number of tornadoes in Britain is higher than a hundred a year, 372 00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:45,800 so it's one every three days, roughly. But, er, meteorologist Dr Tetsuya Fujita has the scale of tornado frequency and incident. 373 00:24:45,801 --> 00:24:49,501 If Britain has an average of 33 tornadoes every year, and in fact, it's probably more than that, 374 00:24:49,502 --> 00:24:56,602 in an area 38 times smaller than the USA, you are twice as likely to witness a tornado in the UK than you are in America. 375 00:24:56,603 --> 00:24:59,903 - A friend of mine lived through that Birmingham tornado-- - Oh, really? 376 00:24:59,904 --> 00:25:04,404 ...and, erm, he was sat on the bus the following day and an old lady behind him said to her mate, 377 00:25:04,405 --> 00:25:08,405 "D'ye know what happened yesterday? We had a torpedo!" 378 00:25:10,006 --> 00:25:13,506 - "Torpedo"? - "Torpedo." - "We had a torpedo..." 379 00:25:16,207 --> 00:25:18,607 - Tornado Alley. Where's that? - Kansas. 380 00:25:18,608 --> 00:25:19,708 - Birmingham. - Sorry? 381 00:25:19,709 --> 00:25:21,609 - Kansas. - Er, yeah. It's a number of states. 382 00:25:21,610 --> 00:25:27,510 It's Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Missouri, Nebraska, and South Dakota. It's where the... the... that main season of really heavy tornadoes-- 383 00:25:27,511 --> 00:25:30,011 - "It's a twister!" - They're... "That's right!" 384 00:25:30,012 --> 00:25:33,312 And they're bad. I mean, obviously, they are much worse, as a rule, than British ones. 385 00:25:33,313 --> 00:25:39,113 - So bad, you can get blown all the way to Oz. - You can, exactly! And not be in Kansas anymore. - Yes. 386 00:25:39,714 --> 00:25:43,114 Now, what shouldn't you do for twenty minutes after lunch? 387 00:25:44,315 --> 00:25:47,015 ["I spy with my little eye."] - Yes. - Swim! 388 00:25:47,016 --> 00:25:51,016 [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] Oh, Alan! Oh! 389 00:25:52,717 --> 00:25:57,717 - I can't believe that! That's... Surely, everybody knows that. - And it's a complete myth. 390 00:25:57,718 --> 00:26:00,218 - It gives you stomach cramps. - It's absolute nonsense. 391 00:26:00,219 --> 00:26:03,219 Basically, parents who don't want to supervise their children in swimming pools 392 00:26:03,220 --> 00:26:07,220 'cause they personally want to go and sleep, probably, but the fact is that you don't get cramps after eating. 393 00:26:07,221 --> 00:26:11,921 There is no evidence of anybody getting into trouble as a result of swimming after eating. 394 00:26:11,922 --> 00:26:16,222 What, if you dive into the water, doesn't your stomach burst apart? They used to say that at school. 395 00:26:16,223 --> 00:26:21,323 "Oh, yes, diving in after a heavy meal; it splashes, and belly flop; water'll go everywhere!" 396 00:26:21,324 --> 00:26:23,924 Indeed, and for some reason, it's just something that's popularly held 397 00:26:23,925 --> 00:26:29,925 that is absolutely not backed up by any fact whatsoever that's known to medical science or anything else. 398 00:26:29,926 --> 00:26:33,826 That's the answer to that question, and it brings us to the final reckoning. 399 00:26:33,827 --> 00:26:37,227 And our ace of spies tonight... Well, we have two of them. 400 00:26:37,228 --> 00:26:42,628 In joint first place, with five points each, it's Vic and Clive! 401 00:26:49,129 --> 00:26:56,429 And closely shadowing them, with four points, Jo Brand! 402 00:27:01,430 --> 00:27:07,430 But I'm afraid, with his cover completely blown, on minus eight, it's Alan Davies! 403 00:27:14,431 --> 00:27:22,221 Well, that's all from Clive, Vic, Jo, Alan, and me. I leave you with this chilling report of modern espionage recruitment techniques. 404 00:27:22,222 --> 00:27:27,922 Two men and a woman recently made the shortlist for CIA assassin. 405 00:27:27,923 --> 00:27:33,523 And the first man was taken to a door and told that his wife was in there sitting on a chair, 406 00:27:33,524 --> 00:27:37,724 and he was given a gun and told to go in and kill her. And he said, [American accent] "I can't do that. 407 00:27:37,725 --> 00:27:42,425 I cannot kill my wife. You can't ask me to." And they said, "Well, then you, can't be a hit man for the CIA." 408 00:27:42,426 --> 00:27:49,426 And so, he left. And the second man was told the same thing. He went in; five minutes passed; he came out in tears. 409 00:27:49,427 --> 00:27:54,127 He said, "I can't do it. I'm sorry. I just can't do it. I can't be a CIA killer." 410 00:27:54,128 --> 00:27:59,528 And then, the woman's turn came. They said. "This is your final test. You're husband's in there, sitting on a chair; 411 00:27:59,529 --> 00:28:05,229 here's a gun; go in, kill him." She went through the door, she barely closed the door. 412 00:28:05,230 --> 00:28:12,330 They heard six rounds fired straight away. Then banging, screaming, and shouting. Then she came out. 413 00:28:12,331 --> 00:28:15,131 She said, "You bastards! You might have told me there were blanks in the gun." 414 00:28:15,132 --> 00:28:20,532 "I had to beat him to death with the chair leg!" Good night. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net