1 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:27,640 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:34,880 Well, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 3 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:37,440 good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI, 4 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:41,120 where tonight we're all ears and eyes, and so I say unto you, 5 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:43,040 hark, behold, Phill Jupitus! 6 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:45,080 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 7 00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:48,240 David Mitchell! 8 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:50,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 9 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:52,640 Jimmy Carr! 10 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:55,200 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:57,120 And Alan Davies! 12 00:00:57,120 --> 00:00:59,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 13 00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:03,680 So, gentlemen, 14 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:06,280 let's hear your eyes. Phill goes... 15 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:09,280 'Aye, aye, sir'. 16 00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:11,360 Aw! Cabin boy. 17 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:12,840 LAUGHTER 18 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:16,960 - David goes... - 'Eyes to the right.' 19 00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:18,880 Jimmy goes... 20 00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:22,720 MARCHING 'And...left!' 21 00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:25,560 Alan goes... 22 00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:28,600 '# I, I, I, I, I, I like you ve-e-ry much LAUGHTER 23 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:32,760 '# I, I, I, I, I, I think you're grand... #' 24 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,080 Ah...lots of "I"s! 25 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:38,520 Good. And don't forget to keep your ears peeled for an elephant... 26 00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:42,560 - ELEPHANT TRUMPETS - Hmm, if you see one coming, 27 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:46,000 you're looking at a bonus. Those are your elephants. Well done. 28 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:50,280 Very obedient. Put them away now. 29 00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:55,440 Or...maybe that was a clue to our next question. Who knows? Here it comes. 30 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:59,200 What would you use one of these for? 31 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:02,400 - What would - I - use it for, or what is it meant for? - LAUGHTER 32 00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:06,280 Oh, isn't this for fish? Getting things out of fish? 33 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:07,600 An interesting thought. 34 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:13,800 - On the Swiss army knife there's one for scooping out a fish eye. - They're not difficult to get out, are they? 35 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:17,320 They're pretty squidgy. Unless the fish is still alive. 36 00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:22,720 Fish don't blink... which is the main eye defence. 37 00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:26,600 If you're ever trying to get the eye out of a fish and it blinks, 38 00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:29,240 it may be a lion. 39 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,880 Is this the Albanian army knife? 40 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:36,920 HE PUTS ON ACCENT "I do two things. 41 00:02:36,920 --> 00:02:39,320 "I poke and scoop." 42 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:41,120 I like the word "scoop". 43 00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:43,520 - Scoop? - It's for scooping fish eyes out. 44 00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:47,040 Not for scooping out fish eyes but for scooping something. 45 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:50,960 Some people get loads of sleep in their eye, great clogs. 46 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:53,160 More than a finger end can manage. 47 00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:56,320 - Earwax. - In the morning when you... - Oi! What did you say? 48 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:59,160 '# I like you ve-e-ry much. #' 49 00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:02,120 - Earwax. - Is the right answer! 50 00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:04,000 APPLAUSE 51 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:12,320 No. Thanks a bunch! That as well?! 52 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:14,000 You've all got a red one, in fact. 53 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:17,640 This one too, this is a modern version. Know what they're called? 54 00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:19,760 Earwax scoopers. 55 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:22,960 They're called ear spoons, or ear curettes. 56 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:28,640 - Can I just...? How much do these things cost? - Well, not very much, 57 00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:34,240 - I wouldn't have thought. - Can I just say, anyone buying a Bic Biro... 58 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:37,880 We have to be very careful about what we put into our ears, though. 59 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:43,400 They do say, if you put a bit of earwax... If you've got glasses and you do that, which some people do, 60 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:47,040 you would just prop it on top of a frothing pint of beer or stout, 61 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:51,760 and it makes the head disappear completely. 62 00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:55,480 It's oil-based, and oil breaks down the surface tension of the bubbles 63 00:03:55,480 --> 00:04:00,520 - and causes them to collapse. - You use that little hole? You put that in your ear? - Well, yes. 64 00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:04,320 Again, a doctor wouldn't recommend it. ..Oh, he's gonna do it. 65 00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:07,880 Silly not to, I can't hear anything. 66 00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:12,640 The problem isn't the scraping out of the ear matter but the disposal. Where does one put it? 67 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:15,160 Unlike snot, it doesn't taste nice! 68 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:18,440 - LAUGHTER - What have I said? 69 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:20,920 - It is so very bitter. - Yes, it is bitter. 70 00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:27,320 Very much, it's the greens of the meal... 71 00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:29,520 Eat up your earwax! 72 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,840 That's what magicians do, isn't it? 73 00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:36,520 Yeah, very good! That was convincing from my angle, not the audience's. 74 00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:39,200 It's actually gone in. 75 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:42,680 LAUGHTER 76 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:50,480 If you squirt Fairy Liquid - thinking of the surface tension thing - 77 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:55,200 where there are lots of water boatmen hanging around, they'll all sink, won't they? 78 00:04:55,200 --> 00:05:00,040 - They will. - You want to look at the expressions on their faces. To them, it's like the ground 79 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:01,760 has turned to liquid. 80 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:06,240 They don't realise it's liquid to start with, the morons! 81 00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:09,280 Right, what can you tell me about Q-tips? 82 00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:13,080 - Don't put them in your ear. - They're better than these things. 83 00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:16,840 - Do you know who invented them? - Mr Q and Mr Tip. 84 00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:20,280 It was actually a man called Leo Gerstenzang... 85 00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:22,840 So it wasn't Quincy Tippington? 86 00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:27,600 ..when he saw his wife using toothpicks with cotton wads for their baby's ear. 87 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:30,080 Do you know what the original name was for them? 88 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:33,920 - Baby... Baby spears. - Baby something. 89 00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:35,480 Baby Gays. 90 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:37,280 - Baby Gays?! - Baby Gays. 91 00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:42,040 - G-A-Y-S. - Are they still called Baby Gays in other places? 92 00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:44,880 Because I imagine if a foreigner comes here on holiday 93 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:49,040 and thinks, "I'd better clean my ears", and they walk into Boots and go, 94 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:53,240 - "Have you got any Baby Gays?" they'd be put on some sort of register. - They would! 95 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:55,040 You're right. 96 00:05:55,040 --> 00:06:00,480 Do you know how many of these Baby Gays, or cotton buds, Unilever produces a year? 97 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:03,040 - 42 trillion. - 2 billion. 3 billion. 4 billion. 98 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:05,640 25½ billion. 99 00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:07,720 - Billion?! - A year. That's a lot. 100 00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:13,840 Now, how can we tell who is whose child just by looking at their ears? 101 00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:16,440 LAUGHTER 102 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:22,320 - That was horrifying... - Beautiful weekend! - ..Presumably, the parents of the child 103 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:25,960 would be going, "Step away from my child. Stop looking at his ears." 104 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:31,840 - There is that. - On that day, I had to have a child's head on my body all day. 105 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:35,360 Was it exhausting? 106 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:37,480 I've got a cracking pair of tits! 107 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:40,920 So the Atkins is working, then. 108 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,440 - I feel really left out. - I'm sorry. 109 00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:47,440 Couldn't I be, like, the dog or something? 110 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:52,440 Actually, though, David, you could also be the parent of that child. 111 00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:57,400 And Alan and Phill could be YOUR parents, in terms of ears. How would we know that, though? 112 00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:00,280 What is it about your ears that is particular? 113 00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:05,760 It's very odd that all four of you have very unusual ears. Well, not VERY unusual, but less than average. 114 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:08,440 - Is it a lobe thing? - It's a lobe thing. 115 00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:11,520 Your lobes are all attached. They don't hang. 116 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:14,840 What, you mean they're not sort of over there somewhere? 117 00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:19,080 They're attached lobes. They go straight down. You don't have an actual lobe. 118 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:22,520 - You have a lobe? - Yeah. A little flappy lobe that I can do that to. 119 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:24,040 Ugh! Stop it, stop it! 120 00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:26,840 It's more common to have a lobe than not to. 121 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:30,360 Audience, put your hands up if you've got a little flappy lobe. 122 00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:33,560 - Freaks! - Lower your hands, please. 123 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:38,800 And could you put your hands up if you haven't. ..Yes, you see. It's a bit like eye colour, 124 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:41,520 it's a dominant and recessive gene thing, 125 00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:46,320 so that if you both have attached lobes, as their mother and father, 126 00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:49,720 - your child MUST have attached lobes. - So if a family are watching, 127 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:53,840 - and they think, "Hang on, ours hasn't..." - Yeah, afraid it's a dead giveaway. 128 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:58,360 - Well, this is turning into Kilroy. Well done. - LAUGHTER 129 00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:01,560 I think the best way to tell whose kid it is by the ear lobes, 130 00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:04,800 is if they're pierced, and the kid is less than two years old, 131 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:09,360 the parents are the ones in the shell suits having a fight in the car park. 132 00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:11,400 - Ohhh! - APPLAUSE 133 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:21,760 If a child has hanging lobes and both his parents have lobes attached, something is amiss. 134 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:24,800 Don't wake the children up to find out now, though. 135 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:26,840 Why wake them up? They're not yours. 136 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:29,720 - Exactly. - LAUGHTER 137 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:32,240 Now, what's the best way to date a cod? 138 00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:37,160 Where...did you find... a slutty fishmonger? 139 00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:41,680 - There are plenty. - "All these whores of the sea can be yours!" 140 00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:44,640 Do 'em up like that, they fly out the shop. 141 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:49,360 Given the choice of two cod, come on. 142 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:53,120 I thought of Lady Penelope there. 143 00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:56,560 Something to do with... something to do with eyes or ears. 144 00:08:56,560 --> 00:09:01,920 - That's our theme. - Yeah, smart. - They haven't got ears, so... 145 00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:06,120 - Well... Ears is right, they have an ear bone. - They have an ear bone?! 146 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:12,160 They have an ear bone. But what's interesting is that you can age a cod to within a day 147 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:15,920 using this method, so it's even better than trees, which is a year. 148 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:21,320 The otilith is a bone that we all have, and it helps give us a sense of which way our head is up. 149 00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:26,440 - All of us cod? - No, all of us living things. In fish, including cod, 150 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:29,480 it gets this calcium carbonate build-up. 151 00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:33,520 You have to kill the cod first, then you bake its otilith, 152 00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:37,800 and then under a microscope, you can tell its age to within a day. 153 00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:42,320 - Then you go, "It's his birthday, I'll get him a present." - Cods used to be so plentiful, 154 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:45,560 Alexander Dumas, who wrote an encyclopaedia of gastronomy, 155 00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:51,800 said you could walk from France to America on cod. You could see them when you sailed, they were just... 156 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:55,840 That ended in disaster. The deaths of many young people. 157 00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:58,800 Essentially, the cod wouldn't cooperate. 158 00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:04,720 It was theoretically possible but the organisational challenge was too great. 159 00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:09,520 - They're slippy, even if they will lie nicely on the surface. - It's true. 160 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:13,440 - It's not gonna happen. - Back to boats, you know. 161 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:18,000 That would be brilliant, though. You could run, then slide on them for a bit... 162 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:22,200 - The best journey to America ever. - A bit like wheelie trainers. 163 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:25,920 Anyway, that's how you age them, by counting the rings in its ears. 164 00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:30,880 Now, who has the biggest ears in the world, and what are they for? 165 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,440 MARCHING 'And...left!' 166 00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:35,560 Hey! 167 00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:40,040 I would go, Grandma, and I would say, "All the better to hear you with." 168 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,440 '# I like you v-e-e-ry much. #' 169 00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:49,920 - ELEPHANT TRUMPETS - Oh, two elephants are being played. And you are right! 170 00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:52,680 Elephants have the biggest ears, 171 00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:57,920 but what's interesting about the size of those flaps is that they're nothing to do with hearing. 172 00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:01,240 - Do you know what their ears are for? - 'Aye, aye, sir.' 173 00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:03,120 - Cooling. - Yes, they cool them. 174 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:06,440 They're huge big blood vessels, do you see how veiny they are? 175 00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:11,560 They flap them, and they can reduce the temperature of their blood by up to ten degrees Fahrenheit 176 00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:15,560 and send it round the rest of their body. Wonderful air conditioning system. 177 00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:19,400 - Also for aggressive displays. - Not that aggressive, waggling your ears. 178 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:24,640 I mean, it's not right up there. They've got tusks if they wanna get properly aggressive. 179 00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:29,120 - That's true. It's a first warning shot across the bows. - I think it's a bit flirty. 180 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:33,960 Do you think? There is a theory that they waft some of their scent, 181 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:38,320 which they manufacture behind their ears, with their flaps, so maybe it is flirty. 182 00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:41,880 It's important, if you're going on a safari, for you to get it right 183 00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:45,960 about whether an elephant is being aggressive or flirty. 184 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:52,000 Also, you wanna think, even if it is being flirty, is that the kind of relationship you wanna get into? 185 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:55,960 Surely that is a lose-lose. Aggressive or randy? 186 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:59,200 Also, if it starts flapping its scent around, 187 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:05,920 you don't wanna get covered in that. You don't wanna be appealing to a randy elephant coming up behind you. 188 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:11,960 So the more it's flapping, the colder it's getting, presumably more aggressive... Dynamite in the sack. 189 00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:16,560 Elephants do have big ears, though they don't use the flaps for hearing, really. 190 00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:22,080 Now, would a bit of rough music stop you beating your wife? 191 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:24,920 LAUGHTER 192 00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:28,800 Is this the kind of light-hearted image we have of beating your wife?! 193 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:33,120 Yeah. Sounds like a leading question in a police interview. 194 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:36,280 "Would some music stop you beating your wife?" 195 00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:38,600 "Oh, it might actually." "Gotcha!" 196 00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:43,040 It is the classic question, isn't it, "Have you stopped beating your wife?", 197 00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:47,560 to which any answer, naturally, condemns you. 198 00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:51,440 But wife-beating is a bad thing. We don't approve, naturally. 199 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,120 It's just so stupid, isn't it, 200 00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:55,640 beating your wife? It's YOUR wife. 201 00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:57,560 It's like keying your own car. 202 00:12:57,560 --> 00:13:00,240 LAUGHTER 203 00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:06,600 Society just got a tiny bit worse. 204 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:09,880 I like to think I can help. 205 00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:15,840 - Have you heard of "rough music?" - No. - In the countryside, if a man was accused of beating his wife, 206 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:19,280 he would be condemned by the village to rough music, 207 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:26,000 in which they would come round to his house at midnight and they would bang on buckets and kettles 208 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:29,120 and metal things, and make a terrible row. 209 00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:31,840 Or they'd parade down the street making this noise, 210 00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:36,520 humiliating them in such a way that they would presumably often be run out of town. 211 00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:41,600 100 years ago, this was still being done in the countryside. They called it, "Riding the Stang", 212 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:46,200 in Scotland. A number of things... philandering, wife-beating, 213 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:50,680 or allowing yourself to be henpecked was considered a punishable offence for men. 214 00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:55,400 But that looks brilliant. He sat on a chair, got carried around. It's like a carnival. 215 00:13:55,400 --> 00:14:01,360 - No... - I thought that was the fellow that beat his wife. - He's one of the people that's beating a saucepan, 216 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:06,000 - we don't know where... - That's the disabled person in the village. He wants to join in. 217 00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:08,160 They were very PC in the past. 218 00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:15,720 - Unusual disability in that he can't get his leg down. - That picture is called 219 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:18,120 A Serenade Of Rough Music, 220 00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:21,680 it's from Robert Chambers' Book of Days, 1865. 221 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:26,080 The one there, he's the leader of the rough music, the one on the chair. 222 00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:29,600 He looks in charge. He is, after all, being carried. 223 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:31,440 He can play two instruments. 224 00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:34,680 The pan and the stick. 225 00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:36,400 Well, anyway... 226 00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:41,840 Rough music was a traditional form of community justice meted out in the English countryside, 227 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:45,160 until 100 years ago. Now, what happens if an earwig 228 00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:47,960 - gets into your ear? - 'Eyes to the right.' 229 00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:51,320 It gets into your brain, 230 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:55,400 and it stays there, and you form a sort of symbiotic relationship with it. 231 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:59,160 It happened to me 20 years ago, and we've never been happier. 232 00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:01,360 ALARM 233 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:09,440 Oh, what a shame you got forfeited for that. 234 00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:13,160 If an earwig went into my ear, I would threaten it with a gun, like that. 235 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:18,240 - And then if it didn't come out, I would shoot. I don't mess about. - Do they go in ears, though? 236 00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:20,000 Is that why they're called that? 237 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,480 Well... 238 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:26,320 It's an interesting thing. It may be because the back of their body 239 00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:29,600 looks like the kind of pincers people use to pierce ears with. 240 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,680 In French it's called a "perce-oreille", a "pierce-ear". 241 00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:37,000 Lots of words for earwig in other languages are the same as the word for scissors. 242 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:40,320 It just looks useless having that at the back end. 243 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,000 It does rather, doesn't it? 244 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:45,180 - You want it at the front. - That's true. 245 00:15:45,180 --> 00:15:47,900 If a spider lays its eggs underneath your skin, 246 00:15:47,900 --> 00:15:51,380 think about how much worse it would be if it was a goose. 247 00:15:51,380 --> 00:15:54,260 LAUGHTER 248 00:15:54,260 --> 00:16:01,220 - Geese... - And they all come out in this hour...geese everywhere! - They're gorgeous when they come out. 249 00:16:01,220 --> 00:16:03,100 - Fluffy and little. - PHILL HONKS 250 00:16:04,340 --> 00:16:06,260 Yes! I'm a goose mother! 251 00:16:06,260 --> 00:16:08,780 HE HONKS 252 00:16:08,780 --> 00:16:13,140 The idea that earwigs crawl into people's ears and lay eggs or bore into their brain 253 00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:15,900 is a complete myth, but a very widespread one. 254 00:16:15,900 --> 00:16:19,900 Now pin back your lugholes for another dose of the half-baked hearsay 255 00:16:19,900 --> 00:16:23,340 we call general ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, please. 256 00:16:23,340 --> 00:16:27,580 Why was it hard for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle? 257 00:16:27,580 --> 00:16:29,180 'Eyes to the right.' 258 00:16:29,180 --> 00:16:33,620 This is...isn't this... this is because it was a gate? 259 00:16:33,620 --> 00:16:35,020 Wasn't it? 260 00:16:35,020 --> 00:16:36,660 ALARM 261 00:16:36,660 --> 00:16:38,340 No. 262 00:16:38,340 --> 00:16:42,940 No. Christ, if you remember, says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle 263 00:16:42,940 --> 00:16:47,980 - than it is for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. - Of course, 264 00:16:47,980 --> 00:16:50,380 these were the days before liquidisers. 265 00:16:50,380 --> 00:16:54,100 So there was no chance of pureeing up the thing and getting a straw... 266 00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:56,500 It would be a mess but it would be do-able. 267 00:16:56,500 --> 00:17:01,500 This is a rich man we're talking about. He would have people to do this for him. 268 00:17:01,500 --> 00:17:06,340 Obviously, what happened is a lot of rich men read the Bible and thought, 269 00:17:06,340 --> 00:17:08,180 "Well...that can't be right. 270 00:17:08,180 --> 00:17:11,860 "Surely?" So there are two get-out clauses. 271 00:17:11,860 --> 00:17:16,780 One was this idea that there was an Eye of the Needle gate in the Jerusalem city walls 272 00:17:16,780 --> 00:17:22,220 - but there is no contemporary, historical or archaeological evidence. - In biblical times, 273 00:17:22,220 --> 00:17:25,980 women's hands were significantly bigger than they are today, 274 00:17:25,980 --> 00:17:28,580 so a needle's eye could be 40 or 50 foot across. 275 00:17:28,580 --> 00:17:33,220 - You still want that rich man to get through, don't you?! - What someone told me, 276 00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:39,860 I might say, at my bloody school, which is still going and it turns out is talking bullshit... 277 00:17:39,860 --> 00:17:45,540 I bet it was a private school, where they don't like you to get on the wrong side of rich people. 278 00:17:45,540 --> 00:17:51,340 They said, "There were two sorts of gates to get into cities in those days, one quite wide and one narrow, 279 00:17:51,340 --> 00:17:57,540 and a fully laden camel couldn't squeeze through a narrow gate, and those were called Eyes of Needles, 280 00:17:57,540 --> 00:18:01,540 and what Jesus wasn't doing was being sort of sarcy, and going, 281 00:18:01,540 --> 00:18:06,100 "Yeah, it's about as easy for a rich man to get into heaven as to get a planet into a shoe." 282 00:18:06,100 --> 00:18:08,340 LAUGHTER He was actually saying 283 00:18:08,340 --> 00:18:11,340 that if the camel was no longer fully laden, 284 00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:14,500 hence the wealth had been, you know, dumped somewhere, 285 00:18:14,500 --> 00:18:17,500 then the camel went in easy as you like. 286 00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:22,540 - How rich are you if all your stuff is on the back of one camel? - Depends, if it's diamonds... 287 00:18:22,540 --> 00:18:29,340 - really rich. They hadn't found the South African diamond mines then, so diamonds were worth more. - Good point. 288 00:18:29,340 --> 00:18:33,900 The coronation of George IV, the diamonds in the crown jewels were hired. 289 00:18:33,900 --> 00:18:38,700 The king of England wasn't rich enough to own enough diamonds for one poxy coronation. 290 00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:42,380 - That's how expensive diamonds were. - Can you hire diamonds? - Of course. 291 00:18:42,380 --> 00:18:45,100 At the Oscars, all the actors hire diamonds. 292 00:18:45,100 --> 00:18:48,940 That would be the Everest of unsure engagements, wouldn't it? 293 00:18:48,940 --> 00:18:53,380 I've just rented this for a week. Let's see how things go. 294 00:18:53,380 --> 00:18:59,100 - Let's wait till after you've put out. - You're absolutely right, David, that is precisely what... 295 00:18:59,100 --> 00:19:00,820 Jesus was being sarcastic. 296 00:19:00,820 --> 00:19:07,100 - He meant exactly what he said. - He should have just said, "You can't. If you're rich, you're going to hell." 297 00:19:07,100 --> 00:19:09,340 It was an existing phrase, 298 00:19:09,340 --> 00:19:13,180 "Putting an elephant through the eye of a needle" existed as a phrase, 299 00:19:13,180 --> 00:19:16,580 which is in the Torah, the Jewish book. It appears in the Koran too, 300 00:19:16,580 --> 00:19:20,700 "Putting a camel through the eye of a needle." So there was an alternative idea, 301 00:19:20,700 --> 00:19:26,420 that "kamelos" was a misreading of the Greek for rope, that it was easier to put a rope through... 302 00:19:26,420 --> 00:19:30,380 - Passing rope through a needle, it's rather good. - It started with elephant, 303 00:19:30,380 --> 00:19:34,180 very difficult. Technically, easier to get a camel through. 304 00:19:34,180 --> 00:19:39,980 - If they downgrade it to a kitten... - A kitten would be heartbreaking, though, wouldn't it? 305 00:19:39,980 --> 00:19:42,220 Heartbreaking, Phill. 306 00:19:42,220 --> 00:19:47,020 You start with his little claw, and you go, "I don't think this is going to happen." Miaow! 307 00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:53,620 If you cut their whiskers off, they can get their head stuck in a milk bottle, I know that. 308 00:19:53,620 --> 00:19:55,740 From experience? 309 00:19:55,740 --> 00:20:00,340 They will try, if you put something at the bottom like a bit of tuna. 310 00:20:00,340 --> 00:20:05,340 And then they do actually manage it, and you end up with a lovely bottled cat. 311 00:20:05,340 --> 00:20:07,740 To take to your party. 312 00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:11,540 "Couldn't decide, red or white, so I brought a cat." 313 00:20:11,540 --> 00:20:14,660 What about a cat in a balloon? 314 00:20:14,660 --> 00:20:18,540 - A cat in a balloon?! - Yeah, if you just opened it up... 315 00:20:26,220 --> 00:20:28,060 What about the claws? 316 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,100 Elastoplast. 317 00:20:30,100 --> 00:20:32,300 LAUGHTER 318 00:20:34,420 --> 00:20:38,300 The bottle was a workable idea. Balloon, that's just silly. 319 00:20:40,780 --> 00:20:43,660 So, most likely, the text means exactly what it says. 320 00:20:43,660 --> 00:20:46,980 There's no evidence for a gateway called the Eye of the Needle. 321 00:20:46,980 --> 00:20:51,420 - Now, how many eyes does a four-eyed fish have? - Two. One. Four. 322 00:20:51,420 --> 00:20:54,140 Eight. How many points have I lost? 323 00:20:54,140 --> 00:20:56,300 ALARM 324 00:20:56,300 --> 00:20:58,780 The trouble is, you did say one, 325 00:20:58,780 --> 00:21:01,700 but you said first two, which is right. 326 00:21:01,700 --> 00:21:04,260 - So I get the points back! - Definitely. 327 00:21:04,260 --> 00:21:09,580 - It's two eyes. They're called four-eyed fish in many places. - Cos they wear glasses. 328 00:21:09,580 --> 00:21:12,780 - LAUGHTER - It's called the Anableps anableps, 329 00:21:12,780 --> 00:21:15,260 - there it is. - That's not hot. 330 00:21:15,260 --> 00:21:17,540 Named by a scientist with a stutter. 331 00:21:17,540 --> 00:21:22,660 Yeah. Anableps anableps means, "Looking up", in Greek, and that's the clue, 332 00:21:22,660 --> 00:21:25,980 it has two eyes but they're divided into two, each of them. 333 00:21:25,980 --> 00:21:28,420 They stay precisely at the water's surface, 334 00:21:28,420 --> 00:21:32,980 so the top halves of their eyes are looking up, while the bottom halves are looking down. 335 00:21:32,980 --> 00:21:39,860 So they're in the water, with the top half, going, "It's so dry. I can't blink, it's a bit of a bastard." 336 00:21:39,860 --> 00:21:44,020 You find them in Mexico and northern Spain. 337 00:21:44,020 --> 00:21:48,300 Do their predators come up from behind and go, "He wasn't expecting that, was he? 338 00:21:48,300 --> 00:21:51,940 "He was not expecting that when he's looking up and looking down." 339 00:21:51,940 --> 00:21:55,020 What are your chances of survival in a plane crash? 340 00:21:55,020 --> 00:21:59,340 I'm guessing it'll be one of these where there are loads and loads of plane crashes, 341 00:21:59,340 --> 00:22:03,020 - but usually no-one dies. - Yeah, it's more or less true. 342 00:22:03,020 --> 00:22:08,500 - Statistically... - It swings on the whistle on the life jacket. That's probably what saves the lives. 343 00:22:08,500 --> 00:22:12,620 If it's that kind of plane crash that's never happened, 344 00:22:12,620 --> 00:22:15,140 where the plane lightly bobs onto the water, 345 00:22:15,140 --> 00:22:17,940 everyone gets out nicely, takes their heels off, 346 00:22:17,940 --> 00:22:23,260 inflates the thing, tops it up, and then, "Oh, help doesn't seem to have come. I know..." 347 00:22:23,260 --> 00:22:24,500 FEEBLE WHISTLE 348 00:22:24,500 --> 00:22:30,100 - Oh, that's all right. Here come the American army now. - It does rely on someone having selective hearing. 349 00:22:30,100 --> 00:22:35,140 - "I didn't hear that plane go down, but..." - Can you imagine anything more... 350 00:22:35,140 --> 00:22:39,900 I can't imagine anything more pathetic, than a load of air travellers, 351 00:22:39,900 --> 00:22:43,220 bobbing along in the water going, "Peep, peep, peep." 352 00:22:43,220 --> 00:22:46,980 What they should give... everyone gets a different note. 353 00:22:46,980 --> 00:22:49,060 LAUGHTER 354 00:22:49,060 --> 00:22:50,860 If you get a little songbook... 355 00:22:50,860 --> 00:22:55,180 Wouldn't it be tragic if you were playing a song and one of the notes didn't go off, 356 00:22:55,180 --> 00:22:57,340 and you went, "..Didn't make it." 357 00:22:57,340 --> 00:22:59,700 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 358 00:23:03,940 --> 00:23:07,060 I see Dave's been eaten by sharks, 359 00:23:07,060 --> 00:23:12,100 - we're gonna have to play Chopsticks. - We ought to do South Pacific, we can do this show right here! 360 00:23:15,180 --> 00:23:18,820 I heard an urban legend about the brace position. 361 00:23:18,820 --> 00:23:23,100 They want you to put your head between your legs to preserve the dental record. 362 00:23:23,100 --> 00:23:24,700 I don't think it's true. 363 00:23:24,700 --> 00:23:28,580 I heard that as well. Why don't they just tell people that? 364 00:23:28,580 --> 00:23:33,580 "In the unlikely event of your death, I'm sure you all agree, you'd like to be identified." 365 00:23:35,780 --> 00:23:39,140 "Bite down hard on your own armrest." 366 00:23:47,740 --> 00:23:54,580 In fact, between '83 and 2000, in the US, there were 568 plane crashes... 367 00:23:54,580 --> 00:24:00,740 53,487 people aboard. 51,207 survived. 368 00:24:00,740 --> 00:24:04,420 The main problem experienced, oddly enough, is getting seat belts off. 369 00:24:04,420 --> 00:24:09,860 We all get bored by the hostess reminding us how this incredibly simple buckle works, 370 00:24:09,860 --> 00:24:13,580 but apparently, under stress, people revert to trying to undo them 371 00:24:13,580 --> 00:24:17,220 the way that's familiar to them in the car. So it is very unlikely. 372 00:24:17,220 --> 00:24:20,220 The reason you're made to open the blinds when you land, 373 00:24:20,220 --> 00:24:25,380 and that they turn off the cabin lights when landing, is that if there's an accident, 374 00:24:25,380 --> 00:24:29,140 the emergency services can see in through the windows. 375 00:24:29,140 --> 00:24:32,940 And also, so that passengers' eyes are accustomed to low light, 376 00:24:32,940 --> 00:24:36,940 in case they need to evacuate in the dark. Now, 377 00:24:36,940 --> 00:24:38,620 can any of you name 378 00:24:38,620 --> 00:24:43,140 just one of the actors, who in over 30 adaptations of Treasure Island 379 00:24:43,140 --> 00:24:49,900 - played Captain Flint? - Isn't Captain Flint not in Treasure Island? 380 00:24:49,900 --> 00:24:52,740 - There is a Captain Flint. In fact, there are two. - Oh... 381 00:24:52,740 --> 00:24:56,860 - Yes, there are two... - 'Eyes to the right'. - It's the parrot. 382 00:24:56,860 --> 00:24:58,420 The parrot is Captain Flint. 383 00:24:58,420 --> 00:25:01,740 So Geoff the parrot, Laurence Olivier the parrot. 384 00:25:01,740 --> 00:25:07,740 - Yes, Captain Flint is actually the parrot, who says... - "Pieces of eight." - Why, "Pieces of eight"? 385 00:25:07,740 --> 00:25:11,700 Yes, because you needed to circle the parrot, there(!) LAUGHTER 386 00:25:13,860 --> 00:25:15,980 "Parrot is here." 387 00:25:15,980 --> 00:25:17,500 Oh, that's where it is! 388 00:25:17,500 --> 00:25:21,700 Because many people have parrot blindness. It's a terrible affliction. 389 00:25:23,180 --> 00:25:28,420 - Why, "Pieces of eight"? - Something to do with pirates and silver. - Yes... 390 00:25:28,420 --> 00:25:32,420 they often divided the silver Spanish dollar into eight pieces. 391 00:25:32,420 --> 00:25:34,940 Two of those eights made a quarter of a dollar, 392 00:25:34,940 --> 00:25:39,500 which is why, in America, a quarter, 25 cents, is called...? 393 00:25:39,500 --> 00:25:42,300 - A quarter. - LAUGHTER 394 00:25:42,300 --> 00:25:48,820 - Two bits. - Two bits. - In America, they call it "two bits". - So two pieces of eight. 395 00:25:48,820 --> 00:25:51,580 - I like After Eights. - Do you? 396 00:25:51,580 --> 00:25:54,140 I wish I'd known that, I'd bring you one. 397 00:25:54,140 --> 00:25:59,940 I'm just saying that cos I went on a TV show once and said I liked Quorn, and I got sent a box of it. 398 00:25:59,940 --> 00:26:04,220 I was pleased with that, but then I thought, "I wish I'd said After Eights." 399 00:26:05,820 --> 00:26:11,100 Apparently the actor that originally played Long John Silver in the first film adaptation, 400 00:26:11,100 --> 00:26:15,180 invented that pirate voice. You know the pirate voice that everyone does? 401 00:26:15,180 --> 00:26:20,940 Well...Robert Newton, but that wasn't the first adaptation. There were silent ones...there are 30. 402 00:26:20,940 --> 00:26:22,260 Perhaps the best voice. 403 00:26:22,260 --> 00:26:26,580 - You said the first adaptation, that's all! - The first adaptation with the voice. 404 00:26:26,580 --> 00:26:29,820 - Not the first talkie, either. - Stop it, you. 405 00:26:29,820 --> 00:26:34,620 - I thought it was interesting that he... - Everyone knows it's Robert Newton's voice... 406 00:26:34,620 --> 00:26:37,260 - Does everyone know that?! - Of course they do. 407 00:26:37,260 --> 00:26:41,780 There's an international Talk Like A Pirate Day, which is dedicated to Robert Newton. 408 00:26:41,780 --> 00:26:46,740 - If you ask people to do a pirate, they'll go, "Arrr..." - Yeah, seems totally natural. 409 00:26:46,740 --> 00:26:53,020 Tony Hancock made his name when he first became well-known by being a Robert Newton impersonator, 410 00:26:53,020 --> 00:26:54,700 doing his, "Arrr." 411 00:26:54,700 --> 00:26:57,100 He was a very well-known actor, Robert Newton, 412 00:26:57,100 --> 00:27:00,460 but nowadays, people don't remember him. Anyway, 413 00:27:00,460 --> 00:27:04,500 most of the actors who played Captain Flint were probably called Polly, 414 00:27:04,500 --> 00:27:07,980 because Captain Flint is Long John Silver's parrot. Finally, 415 00:27:07,980 --> 00:27:11,220 that brings us, of course, to the scores. Whoa... 416 00:27:11,220 --> 00:27:13,900 Just listen to this. 417 00:27:13,900 --> 00:27:16,540 Last... 418 00:27:16,540 --> 00:27:19,220 with minus 11, is David Mitchell! 419 00:27:19,220 --> 00:27:22,100 APPLAUSE 420 00:27:23,540 --> 00:27:24,860 You did well. 421 00:27:24,860 --> 00:27:28,140 But you did fall for a couple of them. 422 00:27:28,140 --> 00:27:31,460 And only just ahead with minus 10 is Jimmy Carr. 423 00:27:31,460 --> 00:27:34,140 APPLAUSE 424 00:27:38,300 --> 00:27:40,940 We are now moving into the plus scores, 425 00:27:40,940 --> 00:27:44,380 with a very creditable plus three, 426 00:27:44,380 --> 00:27:47,740 - Phill Jupitus! - APPLAUSE 427 00:27:51,860 --> 00:27:56,780 Ears and eyes, do my eyes deceive me, do your ears deceive you? 428 00:27:56,780 --> 00:28:00,700 - With plus 13, Alan Davies! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 429 00:28:10,260 --> 00:28:13,860 That's it from Jimmy, David, Phill, Alan and me. 430 00:28:13,860 --> 00:28:19,300 And from columnist Jerry Dennis, who had this to say, that is neither ear nor there... 431 00:28:19,300 --> 00:28:22,180 "I met a guy this morning with a glass eye. 432 00:28:22,180 --> 00:28:25,380 "He didn't tell me, it just came out the in conversation." 433 00:28:25,380 --> 00:28:26,900 - LAUGHTER - Good night. 434 00:28:26,900 --> 00:28:29,260 APPLAUSE 435 00:28:41,660 --> 00:28:45,180 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 436 00:28:45,180 --> 00:28:49,100 Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net