Well, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI,
which tonight is utterly devoted to England. Let's meet our green and pleasant panel.
The gentleman and scholar, Sean Lock! The thoroughly decent chap, Charlie Higson!
The hail fellow well met, Phill Jupitus! And . . . somebody from Wales.
- Oh, no!
It was, in fact, the Irish MP Daniel O'Connell who said,
"The Englishman has all the qualities of a poker, except its occasional warmth."
Well, let's show him just how wrong he was with a display of toasty, heart-warming patriotism.
Sean goes: ["Land of Hope and Glory"]
Phill goes: ["God Save the Queen"] - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, I forgot this one. - Oh! Charlie goes: ["Jerusalem"]
And Alan goes: [Flanders and Swann's "Song of Patriotic Prejudice"]
- Thank you. How do you do, Mr Davies? - Er, fine thanks.
[Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] Oh! Thank you. That's so pleasing.
Yes, we start with a little bit of English manners, there.
I mean, of course, there are no rights or wrongs in these things, but it is considered very bad form
to answer the question "How do you do?" You should say, "How do you do?" back.
- How do you do? - You could stress the "you",
or just go, "How do you do?" back. - How do you do? - Or a small bow?
- How do you do? - Yes! Oh, don't forget, by the way,
we have in our "E" series an "Elephant in the Room" bonus.
Like that! Thank you, exactly. Er, if you spot an elephant in any question, you get a bonus,
but beware, you could get a penalty if there is no elephant in the room.
So! We've already had our first question, "How do you do?" to which the answer should be "How do you do?" or a small bow.
So that's ten points off to the foreigner. Now, let's see--
--if you can all do better with our question two: Er, can you name a single lake in the English Lake District?
There we are, straight in, top of the show: Windermere.
[Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] Oh! Oh...
- I've only been on twenty seconds! - It's a tragic introduction to the world of--
How can Lake Windermere not be a lake in the Lake District?
- It isn't called Lake Windermere. - Yes, it is. It's called "Lake Windermere".
Only by people who don't know what it really should be called.
- The moon! - Any other thoughts as to a lake in the Lake District?
- Er... - Oh, this is going to be good.
Coniston Water. [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.]
Oh! Now there the clue is actually in the title. Coniston Water. It's a water.
There are waters and there are meres and there are tarns, but there is one lake.
- Try Lake Titicaca. - Lake Titicaca!
- Does anyone know it? Anyone know it? - Bassenthwaite.
- Ooh, very good! Oh! Audience, did you say "Bassenthwaite"? - I did.
You get... I think ten points to the audience! Astounded. Astounded. We're very impressed.
Yeah. Yeah, but you give them ten points. Shared amongst them, that's like 0.0001. That's like a Tesco Clubcard point, really.
It's true though, Bassenthwaite... And even that was once called Bassenwater and has only recently been called a lake.
They're all meres, waters, you see. Windermere is just Windermere; Coniston Water,
Haweswater, Ullswater, Thirlmere, but there it is, Bassenthwaite Lake. Weird.
- Crafty Cumbrian bastards. - But there you are.
Now, who was the first King of both England and Scotland?
- James I. [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] - Woop, woop, woop!
Sir! Sir! Is it Canute, or someone like that?
It's a little later than Canute, but you're right, it's pre-William I.
That's not how the crown looks, by the way. Maybe when the Queen goes to a British Lions rugby match.
She normally has a couple of Coke cans on it.
No, 'Cause actually, James I was the first one to have what was called the triple crown of
Scotland, Wales, England, and Ireland, but not the first to have the double throne of Scotland and England. Who was?
- Edward... - Athel... Athelbert.
- That kind of... Athel... - King Engelbert. King Engelbert Humperdinck.
Athelstan. King Athelstan, 937.
Look at his hand. He's got a hand like a Simpson!
- Incredible we didn't know that! - King Constantine II of Scotland submitted to him in 937,
as did the Kings of Cornwall, Wales, and Northumbria, when he became the first King of all Britain, Athelstan.
I would also have allowed Edward I, which is wrong but not as wrong as James I.
So, erm, what's this chap behind me trying to tell us?
Did you see that, on the right? It loops around again, so he's the fellow on the right there... that fellow, there he is. What's that about?
He's saying, "I've still got my fingers, so I can still fire arrows..."
[Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] Yeah. Unfortunately that is completely untrue.
It is... Particularly people who seem to re-enact battles, they say, "Oh, yes, as a matter of fact the French used to cut off their fingers,"
and those English archers who still had their fingers would go like that - . "Look, we've got our fingers."
You know. But it's nonsense. This rumour didn't arrive until the 1970s, and there's no evidence whatsoever.
- I... I actually know what it means. - Yep?
- Fuck off! - There you are! That's pretty straightforward, isn't it?
- That's an easy answer, that one, I thought. - Yeah. It was.
I always liked Andy Warhol's rabbit period. Er... It's like Gilbert and George can't really be bothered; they're phoning it in this week.
Some people think that this may be something to do with the cuckold, and the horns were the symbol of the cuckold.
And people used to do that - to show "I'm shagging your wife." And that may be... maybe that meant the same thing.
No one's entirely sure. One thing they're very sure of, there's absolutely no evidence
it's anything to do with archers, beguiling as that explanation is.
So it's like, you could go...
- Charlie, I'm glad someone is! - Did someone pull a face? What did he do? Come on! Own up!
He cuckolded me, Stephen!
I thought, if I tell him now, you see, he's going to have to pretend to be all jovial about it...
Now, I'm gonna offer points if you can tell me the connection between that sign and Beethoven's Fifth Symphony.
["God Save the Queen"] Yes?
- Er, er, the end of the war! V for Victory. - And why is that Beethoven's Fifth?
- [hums the first four notes] Bu-bu-bu-buh. Morse code. - Exactly, the Morse code for the letter "V".
- [in tune again] Dot-dot-dot-dash! - For Victory. Absolutely. Points to Phill! Well done.
Very good indeed. Yes, the earliest known use of the V sign dates from 1901. Nothing to do with medieval archers, a theory that was first put about in 1970.
Now, you're with a group of Eton boys; somebody shouts, "A bumgang!" Right? What action should you take?
["God Save the Queen"] - Book about 8Mb of space on YouTube. Just to be ready. - Yeah.
Probably toast some muffins or something, is that what you do?
[in public school voice] Toast, I think. Toast is really serious stuff, toast. Really good toast.
Yeah, my fag makes the best bloody toast. Real senior toast. [normal voice] Erm...
But yeah, toast is... well, it's all they have, y'know, they can't drink, really—
- It's currency in those places! - Yeah. So what about a bumgang?
- Well... - I assume... er...
Who would shout that? One of the boys would shout "a bumgang"?
- Is it Eton Fives or something? - Sports? Is sports involved?
Well, it's, you see, we're nowhere near; that photograph is, I'm afraid, a heck of a distraction.
We should be there! We should be there in the highlands--
["Jerusalem"] Yes, Charlie.
- Is that Bassenthwaite Lake? - No, it's the highlands of Cameroon. It's in Africa.
- Is that where the Bumgang come from? - They're the Eton tribe. They're called the Eton.
- I say. - And "abumgang" is actually a word in their language,
and it just means "thank you". "Abumgang." A beautiful woman is a "mme minga"! It turns out.
Erm... that's the... Cameroon's Eton tribe. They have other ethnic groups called the Bum,
the Mbang, the Banana, the Mang, the Fang, the Tang, the Wum, the Wam, the War, and of course, the Pongo.
- Who discovered this tribe, Benny Hill? - I know it does rather speak to all our prejudices about these African languages.
If someone were to say "abumgang" to you, you should say "My pleasure," or "You're welcome". Obviously.
And a memorable night out might result in any language. So, fingers on buzzers please, er,
and stop me when you know what I'm talking about. Born in the Sudan, he moved to Cairo, to Paris,
and then to London, where he became immensely popular. When it was announced in 1882...
["Jerusalem"] Yeah.
- There's an Elephant in the Room! - Why's that?
- Whoever he is, he's an elephant. - He's right!
- Very good! - Was he... Jumbo? Was he Jumbo?
- He was Jumbo the Elephant! Very good. - Yeah.
Brilliant. Well done. He was the most famous animal in the world, and he gave his name to anything big.
Jumbo jets are named after Jumbo the Elephant. It was simply his name. And he was such an enormous elephant.
- Look at the size of that elephant. That is an enormous beast. - That's a big elephant.
- That is one big elephant. - He's like the size of an elephant!
He is! Basically, he is. London Zoo gave a rhino to Paris Zoo and got Jumbo in return,
which was a marvellous, marvellous bargain because he became incredibly popular.
But then, an American paid $10,000 for Jumbo, to take him to America. Who would that American have been?
- PT Barnum, I should imagine. - Phineas T Barnum, who else? Exactly.
And then he died and he had him stuffed. And he still... people still paid to go and see him.
You're absolutely right. There were riots in England, virtually.
There were debates in Parliament; people threatened to kill Barnum and even threatened to kill Jumbo,
saying that Jumbo dead was better than Jumbo exported. Erm, which is a rather bizarre way of looking at it.
That's a hell of a march to go on, isn't it? Jumbo! Kill Jumbo! "What do we want? Dead Jumbo!"
But as I say, $10,000 was a lot of money, but when Barnum got him to America,
in three days he made $30,000 out of him. By the end he'd made $1.5m in only three years from this.
Jumbo-mania was even bigger in America; they went crazy for this animal. They'd pay anything to see it.
But as you say, it was actually in Ontario, he'd done his circus, which was called... ?
What was the name of his circus? The Greatest... ?
- Greatest Show on Earth. - Show on Earth, yeah, The Greatest Show...
and he had 29 elephants had been safely put into their freight cars, and he had two left: his smallest elephant,
who was called Tom Thumb, and his biggest, obviously, Jumbo. And an unscheduled train came and poor Jumbo got the full force...
A hundred places his skull was broken in. It took 126 men to lift him off the track.
He was cradled in the arms of his trainer, Mr Scott, as he died...
- "I don't want him!" - So... So Barnum's got the little elephant, he's got the great big one...
If he gets elephants of decreasing size, he can hollow them out and have, like, Russian elephant dolls.
But you're right also about the stuffing. A taxidermist and a team of six butchers then got to work on
emptying poor Jumbo of his insides and stuffing him with whatever they stuff them with.
And he was moved to Tufts University where he was the mascot until 1975 when he was destroyed in a fire.
But there. And that's why we get jumbo-sized things. That's why we use the word "jumbo" to mean "big". Because of that elephant.
So. Apart from the Bible, what do you suppose was the most successful, the best-selling book, in all of England in the 16th century?
["God Save the Queen"] - Phill Jupitus. - Er, The Little Book Of Syphilis.
["Jerusalem"] - The Highway Code? - Ahh, no.
- The Highwayman Code. - The Highwayman Code!
- It was a book of etiquette for schoolchildren, in fact. - Oh.
Written by the great Dutch humanist Erasmus. Erasmus, it says on my card here, and I'm rather pleased to know this:
He was a Dutch humanist and theologian, it says here, who was immensely influential in Reformation,
and is the second most famous alumnus of Queens' College, Cambridge, after... ?
- You. - Yes! Well. Isn't that exciting? But...
A: That's not true, they're just trying to be sweet, and I don't have a portrait up like that.
So, what, this book was designed to teach children how to behave?
- Yes! Would you like to hear some of its pearls of wisdom? - Love to, yeah.
"Do not be afraid of vomiting. It is not vomiting, but holding the vomit in your throat that is foul."
Er, no, what's foul is when you try and stop it...
- And it seeps through the fingers? - And it goes... no, it flies off like that!
- That's horrid. - If you're on the tube, or something, and you're waiting to get to the station...
and you just can't wait, and it's, ooh, I'd better hold it in, and then suddenly the pressure...
It sprays... It sprays over everybody around you.
- Would this... - Did he not put that in his book?
He didn't! "You should not offer your handkerchief to anyone unless it has been freshly washed.
" Erm, "Nor is it seemly, after wiping your nose, to spread out your handkerchief and peer into it as if...
as if pearls and rubies might have fallen out of your head!" Very good!
"Do not move back and forth on your chair; doing so gives the impression of constantly breaking, or trying to break, wind."
- It does rather, doesn't it? Not as much as doing that does... - No, it's more that.
Yeah. Sideways. Oh! Thank you! There we are. Not to worry. All pretendy-wendy.
I did that in an exam once. Farted. And someone thought I was cheating.
I got told off. I said, "I wasn't looking, I was going 'Ahh...'"
Right! So, er, that's it; On Civility and Children, written in 1530 by Dutch philosopher Erasmus.
As a guide to manners it was a standard textbook for English schoolboys.
Which brings us to my next question, and nutters. Where exactly is the best place in England to find nutters?
["Jerusalem"] Yea?
- On one of your documentaries! - Thank you very much!
True.
I'm assuming "nutter" isn't someone with mental health problems, is it?
- No. - Someone with no teeth. It's not very often you see younger people grooming older people, is it?
Can I bring you to a team of geographers? The Centre for Advanced Spatial Analysis at University College London
has analysed more than 500,000 surnames and has found that Nutters are preponderantly found in Blackburn.
That's where you'll find Nutters. Where will you find Piggs? Two Gs, Piggs.
- Erm... - Norfolk.
- Newcastle, actually. - Ooh.
- Dafts. There are quite a lot of Dafts. - The Midlands.
- Yes! Nottingham, East Midlands, yeah, it counts as the Midlands. - Had to be!
- Smithies? - Suffolk.
- [Glaswegian accent] Glasgae, apparently. Glasgow. - [incredulous] Smithies in Glasgow?
Apparently. And... in Huddersfield you'll find Bottoms. And in Taunton, Willys. There they are.
Er, the surnames that have most dwindled over the last century are Handcock--not Hancock, but Handcock--
Glasscock, Higginbottom, Shufflebottom and Winterbottom. The most—
- We had a Jimmy Glasscock at school. - Did you?
Yeah. You could always see when he was coming.
Oh, yes! Quality! Oh, dear. Very good!
I never thought I'd have a chance to do that joke!
Anyway. Er, I want us to stay for just a little longer and pluck a few thorny English roses
from the polytunnel of General Ignorance. So fingers on buzzers please. What will there be bluebirds over?
["Jerusalem"] Oh, he's in there. Charlie.
- I shouldn't have pressed it, should I? 'Cause I'm gonna say... - Yep.
- ...Lake Windermere! - Safe.
["Land of Hope and Glory"] Yes.
- Er, white cliffs of Dover. - Oh! [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.]
I knew had to say it. 'Cause I knew Charlie wanted to say it.
- Yeah. - It had to be "got out". - Had to be resolved.
No, there... Why won't there be bluebirds ever over the... ?
- Because they're not a native to Britain. - Quite right. Where are they native?
- Well, America, presumably. - North America.
- 'Cause it was written in America. - It was written by Nat Burton, the lyricist of that song,
who had never been within 3000 miles of Dover. And he just thought it sounded good,
and there'd been a spate of them-- 'Cause "Over the Rainbow" had been written a little earlier,
the song from The Wizard of Oz, which has bluebirds in it, and of course right up to "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah"
which has bluebirds in, and then they gave up on the bluebird idea.
- Yes. - But it was associated with happiness, for some reason.
Bluebird of happiness. Er, but they don't exist in Europe.
They're pretty, though. There he is, little... he's blue! You've got to give him that!
- Can't they bring some in? - Let's just, er... spray up some robins.
- Don't wanna mess with robins; they're feisty. - They are very feisty.
Not with the spray gun in the beak! 'Cause it'd just be...
You'd just do the front - turn it round - do the back: Bluebird! Wallop.
- Do... Do some pigeons. - Aw, yeah! I'd dye pigeons!
They wouldn't mind as long as they had a sandwich.
Good! Now, how many times a year did Queen Elizabeth I of England have a bath?
Never. [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.]
Once, twice, three times, four times, five times, six times, seven--
[Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] Thanks for that. That'll be a "once".
She... It was thought indecent to immerse oneself in water.
Well, she, er-- that is an actual photograph of her taking a bath...
She... She actually was considered rather pernickety about her... they, she, she...
Four times a year, at least, she bathed. As the old joke says, "Even if she didn't need one." Erm.
In medieval England though, baths were, they were much more popular than we suppose.
There were bathhouses in every town. But it was really the monks who didn't like it 'cause they thought it led on to lewd behaviour.
- Mm. In fact, they knew it led on to lewd behaviour. - Well, they knew it. Exactly.
So, which is the smallest county in England, please?
["God Save the Queen"] Yes.
- Rutland! - Oh! [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.]
Doesn't exist any more!
- Rutland does exist, it was reintroduced as a county in 1997... - It does, it's back!
so it does exist. And, er, the awful thing is, you're half-right, but you're also half-very-very-wrong.
- Ohh... tell me more! - See if you can work it out. One... There is a county...
- Upper Rutland. - ...that is smaller than Rutland, but only for half the year.
- Oh! Oh no, I'm thinking of the tide, but that's every day. - Yes! Yes! That's every day but...
half the day it's... and therefore if you tot it up into a year...
- Oh! - Is it... up there, the Fens, somewhere?
- No. - Is it somewhere else on the coast?
- It's a proper county. People think it's Hampshire, but it's not Hampshire. - Anglesey.
- Oh, Isle of Wight! - Isle of Wight. Isle of Wight is its own county.
And at high tide it is smaller than Rutland. But when... At low tide...
- Wow! - ...it's bigger. So there you have it.
And we at QI almost discovered this! It's not a known fact.
But they called up the Isle of Wight council and they discussed it, and they've confirmed that it is true. So you heard it here first.
That's the sort of thing... once you've been told that once - it just stays there forever.
Yes, like some awful piece of chewing gum, stuck in the hair, isn't it? Now, who owns all the swans in England?
["Land of Hope and Glory"] The Queen.
- What did you say? - I said, "the Queen".
Ohh! [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.]
- What a pity. No. No, no. - The queen's estate. The Crown.
No. The Queen owns all the mute swans.
- What? - The mute swans, but there...
none of the Whoopers or Bewick's Swans, which are other breeds of swan. And she only counts them in the--
- The Bishop of somewhere? - No. It's all of us. - It's just...
They're not owned by anybody. The Queen owns the mute swans.
- They're free! They're free swans, aren't they? - Exactly. They're free swans.
To roam and do as they will. Marvellous animals, aren't they? They have penises like ducks. Erm. Which...
What, the penis is in the shape of a duck?
- That would be a great joke of nature! - Yes! Yeah.
- No, but their... it's very rare... - That's a bit confusing for a duck, isn't it? [Alan quacks]
Most birds don't have penises.
That's why the swans look so smug! Got the big duck-shaped penis under the water.
"And I can carry the kids on my back."
What's the most common cause of death amongst the swan population?
- The Queen. - Is it...
- Not the Queen, no! - She's just gagging for swan!
- Apparently... - A predator? Or an illness?
- No, it's electrocution. They're electrocuted. - Keeps turning the telly over with a wet beak.
- Yeah! Possibly. - "Don't like that, do you?"
But roast swan--or any swan... Swan can be legally eaten by...
- The Queen and Prince Philip only. - The Royal Family and...
- Gypsies! - No, fellows...
What's the point of being a gypsy if you can't eat swan?
No, apparently, swans can be eaten by members of the Royal Family and by fellows of St John's College, Cambridge, on June 25th.
- That's my birthday! - Is it? - Can I have some?
- Is it really? - I'd like a swan nugget.
- Just don't eat the bit that looks like a duck. - No.
So, you know these people, these royals, Stephen; do they say what it tastes like?
Have you ever... Have you had a... You must have had a bit.
- It's not very pleasant. It's fishy. - Fishy! - But the best swan is when...
From a cygnet, they're fed oats, which is not a normal thing, and then they don't get that fishy unpleasant flavour.
- They taste like porridge? - Possibly.
Does the Queen have, like, cold swan in her fridge? Come in late at night, pick it up... Swan carcass.
She... She opens the fridge, she gets... gets it out... She loves the neck, that's her favourite bit.
So! Er, from fellows of St John's, Cambridge, to Oxford. What is the Oxford History of England all about?
["Land of Hope and Glory"] Yes.
England. [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.]
Nay. You'd think it would be, with a title like that.
France! [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.]
- Not France neither! - All right, this one: Abyssinia! Yeah. Come on!
- Yes! Get up there! - They didn't predict that. They didn't predict that!
- Oxford History of England... - It's simply...
When you say England, sometimes, accidentally, you might actually mean...
- England. - Britain. No!
- But you might say, when you meant Britain, you say... - Oh yeah, yeah. You're right, yeah.
"Oh yeah, you know, the English, er... are very good at, blah, blah," and you actually mean Britain, although, y'know.
And the fact is, it was perfectly normal to say "England" for all of Britain right up until the 1930s,
when Scottish nationalism arose and they got rather offended by it.
Benjamin Disraeli signed the Treaty of Berlin, er, as the Prime Minister of England. He meant...
He meant Great Britain technically. The one part stood for the whole.
Er, so, the book... The Oxford History of England is actually the history of the British Isles.
I'm not saying it was right! But it's just as it was. There you are.
As AJP Taylor, the great historian noted, "When the Oxford History was launched a generation ago," he said,
"England was still an all-embracing word. It meant indiscriminately England and Wales, Great Britain, the United Kingdom...
even the British Empire." This is not to say the term "British" wasn't used,
it was just that "England" could mean the whole thing. So, erm, where does the word "England" come from? Why are we called English? What's this "England" about?
["Jerusalem"] Yes.
- Go on, go on. - Well, one... you know. All right, the Angles. - Yes! Quite correct.
- What? - You see?
Where did the Angles come from?
- Anglesey. - America. - Anglesey!
- Essex. London. - America?
- A kind of... Germanic area. - Er, yeah, north, very north, towards Denmark.
Schleswig-Holstein is the area, as it's known as, exactly.
But it turns out that actually, DNA on Britons and English people shows that, in fact,
most of the indigenous Britons originally came from the Basque area,
and walked over when the Channel, which is only 9000 years old, was probably...
- When we had wolves and bears. - Yes.
All right! Stop writing. That is the end of the English exam,
and it's time to post the results on the notice board, prior to coming and seeing me in my study. And...
Abumgang!
Our English master this week, with minus-8 points, is Phill Jupitus!
And hot on his behind... Er, I probably could have put that better.
He didn't start too well but, my God, he made up for it. On minus-15, Charlie Higson!
And on minus-29, just avoiding rustication is Sean Lock!
Thank you!
So we know who'll be adopting the position and awaiting my pleasure in the study:
With minus-59 points, it's Alan Davies!
But...
Of course, as can occasionally happen, due to their superior and extraordinary knowledge
of the Lake District, the real winners with plus-10 are the audience!
So that's it for this week from Charlie, Sean, Phill, Alan and myself.
Jolly boating weather to you, and this last thought from the not-at-all-English Oscar Wilde.
"If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't deserve to have any." Good night.
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