1 00:00:31,700 --> 00:00:36,800 Well, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI, 2 00:00:36,801 --> 00:00:42,901 which tonight is utterly devoted to England. Let's meet our green and pleasant panel. 3 00:00:42,902 --> 00:00:54,702 The gentleman and scholar, Sean Lock! The thoroughly decent chap, Charlie Higson! 4 00:00:56,703 --> 00:01:08,503 The hail fellow well met, Phill Jupitus! And . . . somebody from Wales. 5 00:01:11,504 --> 00:01:14,504 - Oh, no! 6 00:01:16,405 --> 00:01:20,005 It was, in fact, the Irish MP Daniel O'Connell who said, 7 00:01:20,006 --> 00:01:24,606 "The Englishman has all the qualities of a poker, except its occasional warmth." 8 00:01:24,607 --> 00:01:32,607 Well, let's show him just how wrong he was with a display of toasty, heart-warming patriotism. 9 00:01:33,008 --> 00:01:39,608 Sean goes: ["Land of Hope and Glory"] 10 00:01:40,009 --> 00:01:46,009 Phill goes: ["God Save the Queen"] - Oh, yeah. 11 00:01:46,010 --> 00:01:57,110 - Oh, I forgot this one. - Oh! Charlie goes: ["Jerusalem"] 12 00:01:59,511 --> 00:02:06,411 And Alan goes: [Flanders and Swann's "Song of Patriotic Prejudice"] 13 00:02:07,212 --> 00:02:11,812 - Thank you. How do you do, Mr Davies? - Er, fine thanks. 14 00:02:11,813 --> 00:02:17,613 [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] Oh! Thank you. That's so pleasing. 15 00:02:17,614 --> 00:02:20,014 Yes, we start with a little bit of English manners, there. 16 00:02:20,015 --> 00:02:23,915 I mean, of course, there are no rights or wrongs in these things, but it is considered very bad form 17 00:02:23,916 --> 00:02:27,316 to answer the question "How do you do?" You should say, "How do you do?" back. 18 00:02:27,317 --> 00:02:30,317 - How do you do? - You could stress the "you", 19 00:02:30,318 --> 00:02:32,518 or just go, "How do you do?" back. - How do you do? - Or a small bow? 20 00:02:32,519 --> 00:02:36,019 - How do you do? - Yes! Oh, don't forget, by the way, 21 00:02:36,020 --> 00:02:40,920 we have in our "E" series an "Elephant in the Room" bonus. 22 00:02:41,721 --> 00:02:46,721 Like that! Thank you, exactly. Er, if you spot an elephant in any question, you get a bonus, 23 00:02:46,722 --> 00:02:49,722 but beware, you could get a penalty if there is no elephant in the room. 24 00:02:50,323 --> 00:02:55,523 So! We've already had our first question, "How do you do?" to which the answer should be "How do you do?" or a small bow. 25 00:02:55,524 --> 00:02:58,724 So that's ten points off to the foreigner. Now, let's see-- 26 00:03:00,425 --> 00:03:06,725 --if you can all do better with our question two: Er, can you name a single lake in the English Lake District? 27 00:03:09,626 --> 00:03:11,926 There we are, straight in, top of the show: Windermere. 28 00:03:11,927 --> 00:03:16,027 [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] Oh! Oh... 29 00:03:16,028 --> 00:03:19,928 - I've only been on twenty seconds! - It's a tragic introduction to the world of-- 30 00:03:19,929 --> 00:03:23,629 How can Lake Windermere not be a lake in the Lake District? 31 00:03:23,630 --> 00:03:27,030 - It isn't called Lake Windermere. - Yes, it is. It's called "Lake Windermere". 32 00:03:27,031 --> 00:03:30,031 Only by people who don't know what it really should be called. 33 00:03:30,032 --> 00:03:35,332 - The moon! - Any other thoughts as to a lake in the Lake District? 34 00:03:35,333 --> 00:03:38,633 - Er... - Oh, this is going to be good. 35 00:03:38,634 --> 00:03:42,634 Coniston Water. [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] 36 00:03:42,635 --> 00:03:48,435 Oh! Now there the clue is actually in the title. Coniston Water. It's a water. 37 00:03:48,436 --> 00:03:52,736 There are waters and there are meres and there are tarns, but there is one lake. 38 00:03:53,237 --> 00:03:59,337 - Try Lake Titicaca. - Lake Titicaca! 39 00:03:59,938 --> 00:04:03,238 - Does anyone know it? Anyone know it? - Bassenthwaite. 40 00:04:03,239 --> 00:04:07,639 - Ooh, very good! Oh! Audience, did you say "Bassenthwaite"? - I did. 41 00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:19,040 You get... I think ten points to the audience! Astounded. Astounded. We're very impressed. 42 00:04:19,341 --> 00:04:29,541 Yeah. Yeah, but you give them ten points. Shared amongst them, that's like 0.0001. That's like a Tesco Clubcard point, really. 43 00:04:30,042 --> 00:04:35,042 It's true though, Bassenthwaite... And even that was once called Bassenwater and has only recently been called a lake. 44 00:04:35,043 --> 00:04:39,743 They're all meres, waters, you see. Windermere is just Windermere; Coniston Water, 45 00:04:39,744 --> 00:04:44,744 Haweswater, Ullswater, Thirlmere, but there it is, Bassenthwaite Lake. Weird. 46 00:04:44,745 --> 00:04:50,445 - Crafty Cumbrian bastards. - But there you are. 47 00:04:50,446 --> 00:04:54,346 Now, who was the first King of both England and Scotland? 48 00:04:54,347 --> 00:04:59,747 - James I. [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] - Woop, woop, woop! 49 00:05:00,048 --> 00:05:04,648 Sir! Sir! Is it Canute, or someone like that? 50 00:05:04,649 --> 00:05:07,749 It's a little later than Canute, but you're right, it's pre-William I. 51 00:05:09,350 --> 00:05:16,550 That's not how the crown looks, by the way. Maybe when the Queen goes to a British Lions rugby match. 52 00:05:18,751 --> 00:05:21,051 She normally has a couple of Coke cans on it. 53 00:05:22,852 --> 00:05:28,352 No, 'Cause actually, James I was the first one to have what was called the triple crown of 54 00:05:28,353 --> 00:05:36,753 Scotland, Wales, England, and Ireland, but not the first to have the double throne of Scotland and England. Who was? 55 00:05:36,754 --> 00:05:38,254 - Edward... - Athel... Athelbert. 56 00:05:38,255 --> 00:05:43,055 - That kind of... Athel... - King Engelbert. King Engelbert Humperdinck. 57 00:05:43,556 --> 00:05:45,856 Athelstan. King Athelstan, 937. 58 00:05:45,857 --> 00:05:47,957 Look at his hand. He's got a hand like a Simpson! 59 00:05:47,958 --> 00:05:54,558 - Incredible we didn't know that! - King Constantine II of Scotland submitted to him in 937, 60 00:05:54,559 --> 00:06:01,059 as did the Kings of Cornwall, Wales, and Northumbria, when he became the first King of all Britain, Athelstan. 61 00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:06,560 I would also have allowed Edward I, which is wrong but not as wrong as James I. 62 00:06:06,561 --> 00:06:10,061 So, erm, what's this chap behind me trying to tell us? 63 00:06:11,162 --> 00:06:18,762 Did you see that, on the right? It loops around again, so he's the fellow on the right there... that fellow, there he is. What's that about? 64 00:06:19,263 --> 00:06:23,763 He's saying, "I've still got my fingers, so I can still fire arrows..." 65 00:06:24,064 --> 00:06:30,764 [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] Yeah. Unfortunately that is completely untrue. 66 00:06:30,765 --> 00:06:35,865 It is... Particularly people who seem to re-enact battles, they say, "Oh, yes, as a matter of fact the French used to cut off their fingers," 67 00:06:35,866 --> 00:06:40,066 and those English archers who still had their fingers would go like that - . "Look, we've got our fingers." 68 00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:45,067 You know. But it's nonsense. This rumour didn't arrive until the 1970s, and there's no evidence whatsoever. 69 00:06:45,068 --> 00:06:46,968 - I... I actually know what it means. - Yep? 70 00:06:46,969 --> 00:06:53,269 - Fuck off! - There you are! That's pretty straightforward, isn't it? 71 00:06:53,270 --> 00:06:55,770 - That's an easy answer, that one, I thought. - Yeah. It was. 72 00:06:55,771 --> 00:07:05,571 I always liked Andy Warhol's rabbit period. Er... It's like Gilbert and George can't really be bothered; they're phoning it in this week. 73 00:07:07,972 --> 00:07:13,172 Some people think that this may be something to do with the cuckold, and the horns were the symbol of the cuckold. 74 00:07:13,173 --> 00:07:19,673 And people used to do that - to show "I'm shagging your wife." And that may be... maybe that meant the same thing. 75 00:07:19,674 --> 00:07:23,674 No one's entirely sure. One thing they're very sure of, there's absolutely no evidence 76 00:07:23,675 --> 00:07:27,275 it's anything to do with archers, beguiling as that explanation is. 77 00:07:27,276 --> 00:07:29,476 So it's like, you could go... 78 00:07:32,477 --> 00:07:40,977 - Charlie, I'm glad someone is! - Did someone pull a face? What did he do? Come on! Own up! 79 00:07:40,978 --> 00:07:42,378 He cuckolded me, Stephen! 80 00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:46,579 I thought, if I tell him now, you see, he's going to have to pretend to be all jovial about it... 81 00:07:47,180 --> 00:07:52,880 Now, I'm gonna offer points if you can tell me the connection between that sign and Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. 82 00:07:52,881 --> 00:07:55,781 ["God Save the Queen"] Yes? 83 00:07:55,782 --> 00:08:00,082 - Er, er, the end of the war! V for Victory. - And why is that Beethoven's Fifth? 84 00:08:00,083 --> 00:08:04,583 - [hums the first four notes] Bu-bu-bu-buh. Morse code. - Exactly, the Morse code for the letter "V". 85 00:08:04,584 --> 00:08:09,084 - [in tune again] Dot-dot-dot-dash! - For Victory. Absolutely. Points to Phill! Well done. 86 00:08:14,785 --> 00:08:22,085 Very good indeed. Yes, the earliest known use of the V sign dates from 1901. Nothing to do with medieval archers, a theory that was first put about in 1970. 87 00:08:22,086 --> 00:08:31,486 Now, you're with a group of Eton boys; somebody shouts, "A bumgang!" Right? What action should you take? 88 00:08:31,487 --> 00:08:41,587 ["God Save the Queen"] - Book about 8Mb of space on YouTube. Just to be ready. - Yeah. 89 00:08:41,788 --> 00:08:43,888 Probably toast some muffins or something, is that what you do? 90 00:08:43,889 --> 00:08:49,789 [in public school voice] Toast, I think. Toast is really serious stuff, toast. Really good toast. 91 00:08:49,790 --> 00:08:55,690 Yeah, my fag makes the best bloody toast. Real senior toast. [normal voice] Erm... 92 00:08:55,691 --> 00:08:58,291 But yeah, toast is... well, it's all they have, y'know, they can't drink, really— 93 00:08:58,292 --> 00:09:01,192 - It's currency in those places! - Yeah. So what about a bumgang? 94 00:09:02,193 --> 00:09:08,793 - Well... - I assume... er... 95 00:09:08,794 --> 00:09:11,994 Who would shout that? One of the boys would shout "a bumgang"? 96 00:09:11,995 --> 00:09:14,295 - Is it Eton Fives or something? - Sports? Is sports involved? 97 00:09:14,296 --> 00:09:19,796 Well, it's, you see, we're nowhere near; that photograph is, I'm afraid, a heck of a distraction. 98 00:09:19,797 --> 00:09:23,197 We should be there! We should be there in the highlands-- 99 00:09:23,198 --> 00:09:26,598 ["Jerusalem"] Yes, Charlie. 100 00:09:26,599 --> 00:09:33,999 - Is that Bassenthwaite Lake? - No, it's the highlands of Cameroon. It's in Africa. 101 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:38,000 - Is that where the Bumgang come from? - They're the Eton tribe. They're called the Eton. 102 00:09:38,001 --> 00:09:42,601 - I say. - And "abumgang" is actually a word in their language, 103 00:09:42,602 --> 00:09:52,202 and it just means "thank you". "Abumgang." A beautiful woman is a "mme minga"! It turns out. 104 00:09:52,503 --> 00:09:57,003 Erm... that's the... Cameroon's Eton tribe. They have other ethnic groups called the Bum, 105 00:09:57,004 --> 00:10:02,004 the Mbang, the Banana, the Mang, the Fang, the Tang, the Wum, the Wam, the War, and of course, the Pongo. 106 00:10:02,005 --> 00:10:10,505 - Who discovered this tribe, Benny Hill? - I know it does rather speak to all our prejudices about these African languages. 107 00:10:11,506 --> 00:10:16,306 If someone were to say "abumgang" to you, you should say "My pleasure," or "You're welcome". Obviously. 108 00:10:16,307 --> 00:10:22,007 And a memorable night out might result in any language. So, fingers on buzzers please, er, 109 00:10:22,008 --> 00:10:28,408 and stop me when you know what I'm talking about. Born in the Sudan, he moved to Cairo, to Paris, 110 00:10:28,409 --> 00:10:34,109 and then to London, where he became immensely popular. When it was announced in 1882... 111 00:10:34,110 --> 00:10:36,310 ["Jerusalem"] Yeah. 112 00:10:36,311 --> 00:10:39,111 - There's an Elephant in the Room! - Why's that? 113 00:10:40,112 --> 00:10:46,312 - Whoever he is, he's an elephant. - He's right! 114 00:10:50,813 --> 00:10:56,213 - Very good! - Was he... Jumbo? Was he Jumbo? 115 00:10:56,214 --> 00:10:59,814 - He was Jumbo the Elephant! Very good. - Yeah. 116 00:10:59,815 --> 00:11:06,715 Brilliant. Well done. He was the most famous animal in the world, and he gave his name to anything big. 117 00:11:06,716 --> 00:11:11,816 Jumbo jets are named after Jumbo the Elephant. It was simply his name. And he was such an enormous elephant. 118 00:11:11,817 --> 00:11:14,817 - Look at the size of that elephant. That is an enormous beast. - That's a big elephant. 119 00:11:14,818 --> 00:11:18,018 - That is one big elephant. - He's like the size of an elephant! 120 00:11:18,019 --> 00:11:23,819 He is! Basically, he is. London Zoo gave a rhino to Paris Zoo and got Jumbo in return, 121 00:11:23,820 --> 00:11:27,820 which was a marvellous, marvellous bargain because he became incredibly popular. 122 00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:34,421 But then, an American paid $10,000 for Jumbo, to take him to America. Who would that American have been? 123 00:11:34,722 --> 00:11:38,322 - PT Barnum, I should imagine. - Phineas T Barnum, who else? Exactly. 124 00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:41,823 And then he died and he had him stuffed. And he still... people still paid to go and see him. 125 00:11:41,824 --> 00:11:44,324 You're absolutely right. There were riots in England, virtually. 126 00:11:44,325 --> 00:11:49,325 There were debates in Parliament; people threatened to kill Barnum and even threatened to kill Jumbo, 127 00:11:49,326 --> 00:11:54,926 saying that Jumbo dead was better than Jumbo exported. Erm, which is a rather bizarre way of looking at it. 128 00:11:54,927 --> 00:12:03,027 That's a hell of a march to go on, isn't it? Jumbo! Kill Jumbo! "What do we want? Dead Jumbo!" 129 00:12:04,528 --> 00:12:09,928 But as I say, $10,000 was a lot of money, but when Barnum got him to America, 130 00:12:09,929 --> 00:12:16,829 in three days he made $30,000 out of him. By the end he'd made $1.5m in only three years from this. 131 00:12:16,830 --> 00:12:21,430 Jumbo-mania was even bigger in America; they went crazy for this animal. They'd pay anything to see it. 132 00:12:22,131 --> 00:12:25,431 But as you say, it was actually in Ontario, he'd done his circus, which was called... ? 133 00:12:25,432 --> 00:12:28,132 What was the name of his circus? The Greatest... ? 134 00:12:28,133 --> 00:12:30,033 - Greatest Show on Earth. - Show on Earth, yeah, The Greatest Show... 135 00:12:30,034 --> 00:12:36,134 and he had 29 elephants had been safely put into their freight cars, and he had two left: his smallest elephant, 136 00:12:36,135 --> 00:12:44,035 who was called Tom Thumb, and his biggest, obviously, Jumbo. And an unscheduled train came and poor Jumbo got the full force... 137 00:12:44,036 --> 00:12:50,636 A hundred places his skull was broken in. It took 126 men to lift him off the track. 138 00:12:50,637 --> 00:12:55,137 He was cradled in the arms of his trainer, Mr Scott, as he died... 139 00:12:56,038 --> 00:13:00,838 - "I don't want him!" - So... So Barnum's got the little elephant, he's got the great big one... 140 00:13:00,839 --> 00:13:05,139 If he gets elephants of decreasing size, he can hollow them out and have, like, Russian elephant dolls. 141 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:14,140 But you're right also about the stuffing. A taxidermist and a team of six butchers then got to work on 142 00:13:14,841 --> 00:13:18,841 emptying poor Jumbo of his insides and stuffing him with whatever they stuff them with. 143 00:13:18,842 --> 00:13:24,642 And he was moved to Tufts University where he was the mascot until 1975 when he was destroyed in a fire. 144 00:13:24,643 --> 00:13:31,043 But there. And that's why we get jumbo-sized things. That's why we use the word "jumbo" to mean "big". Because of that elephant. 145 00:13:31,044 --> 00:13:40,344 So. Apart from the Bible, what do you suppose was the most successful, the best-selling book, in all of England in the 16th century? 146 00:13:40,345 --> 00:13:44,145 ["God Save the Queen"] - Phill Jupitus. - Er, The Little Book Of Syphilis. 147 00:13:48,446 --> 00:13:55,346 ["Jerusalem"] - The Highway Code? - Ahh, no. 148 00:13:55,347 --> 00:13:58,047 - The Highwayman Code. - The Highwayman Code! 149 00:14:00,748 --> 00:14:03,948 - It was a book of etiquette for schoolchildren, in fact. - Oh. 150 00:14:03,949 --> 00:14:11,749 Written by the great Dutch humanist Erasmus. Erasmus, it says on my card here, and I'm rather pleased to know this: 151 00:14:11,750 --> 00:14:16,150 He was a Dutch humanist and theologian, it says here, who was immensely influential in Reformation, 152 00:14:16,151 --> 00:14:20,051 and is the second most famous alumnus of Queens' College, Cambridge, after... ? 153 00:14:20,452 --> 00:14:25,752 - You. - Yes! Well. Isn't that exciting? But... 154 00:14:28,753 --> 00:14:33,253 A: That's not true, they're just trying to be sweet, and I don't have a portrait up like that. 155 00:14:33,254 --> 00:14:36,054 So, what, this book was designed to teach children how to behave? 156 00:14:36,055 --> 00:14:38,855 - Yes! Would you like to hear some of its pearls of wisdom? - Love to, yeah. 157 00:14:39,156 --> 00:14:47,156 "Do not be afraid of vomiting. It is not vomiting, but holding the vomit in your throat that is foul." 158 00:14:47,157 --> 00:14:50,557 Er, no, what's foul is when you try and stop it... 159 00:14:51,158 --> 00:14:53,758 - And it seeps through the fingers? - And it goes... no, it flies off like that! 160 00:14:54,759 --> 00:14:58,059 - That's horrid. - If you're on the tube, or something, and you're waiting to get to the station... 161 00:14:58,060 --> 00:15:01,360 and you just can't wait, and it's, ooh, I'd better hold it in, and then suddenly the pressure... 162 00:15:01,361 --> 00:15:04,661 It sprays... It sprays over everybody around you. 163 00:15:05,062 --> 00:15:06,562 - Would this... - Did he not put that in his book? 164 00:15:06,563 --> 00:15:11,763 He didn't! "You should not offer your handkerchief to anyone unless it has been freshly washed. 165 00:15:11,764 --> 00:15:17,764 " Erm, "Nor is it seemly, after wiping your nose, to spread out your handkerchief and peer into it as if... 166 00:15:19,565 --> 00:15:24,965 as if pearls and rubies might have fallen out of your head!" Very good! 167 00:15:24,966 --> 00:15:31,166 "Do not move back and forth on your chair; doing so gives the impression of constantly breaking, or trying to break, wind." 168 00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:37,067 - It does rather, doesn't it? Not as much as doing that does... - No, it's more that. 169 00:15:37,068 --> 00:15:42,168 Yeah. Sideways. Oh! Thank you! There we are. Not to worry. All pretendy-wendy. 170 00:15:42,169 --> 00:15:45,369 I did that in an exam once. Farted. And someone thought I was cheating. 171 00:15:48,070 --> 00:15:52,170 I got told off. I said, "I wasn't looking, I was going 'Ahh...'" 172 00:15:53,471 --> 00:15:58,871 Right! So, er, that's it; On Civility and Children, written in 1530 by Dutch philosopher Erasmus. 173 00:15:58,872 --> 00:16:02,572 As a guide to manners it was a standard textbook for English schoolboys. 174 00:16:02,573 --> 00:16:08,773 Which brings us to my next question, and nutters. Where exactly is the best place in England to find nutters? 175 00:16:08,774 --> 00:16:11,474 ["Jerusalem"] Yea? 176 00:16:12,075 --> 00:16:17,875 - On one of your documentaries! - Thank you very much! 177 00:16:24,076 --> 00:16:25,376 True. 178 00:16:26,077 --> 00:16:28,977 I'm assuming "nutter" isn't someone with mental health problems, is it? 179 00:16:28,978 --> 00:16:35,778 - No. - Someone with no teeth. It's not very often you see younger people grooming older people, is it? 180 00:16:38,479 --> 00:16:46,079 Can I bring you to a team of geographers? The Centre for Advanced Spatial Analysis at University College London 181 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:54,580 has analysed more than 500,000 surnames and has found that Nutters are preponderantly found in Blackburn. 182 00:16:54,581 --> 00:16:59,781 That's where you'll find Nutters. Where will you find Piggs? Two Gs, Piggs. 183 00:16:59,782 --> 00:17:00,982 - Erm... - Norfolk. 184 00:17:00,983 --> 00:17:03,083 - Newcastle, actually. - Ooh. 185 00:17:03,084 --> 00:17:06,684 - Dafts. There are quite a lot of Dafts. - The Midlands. 186 00:17:06,685 --> 00:17:09,485 - Yes! Nottingham, East Midlands, yeah, it counts as the Midlands. - Had to be! 187 00:17:09,886 --> 00:17:12,186 - Smithies? - Suffolk. 188 00:17:12,187 --> 00:17:15,087 - [Glaswegian accent] Glasgae, apparently. Glasgow. - [incredulous] Smithies in Glasgow? 189 00:17:15,088 --> 00:17:23,488 Apparently. And... in Huddersfield you'll find Bottoms. And in Taunton, Willys. There they are. 190 00:17:23,489 --> 00:17:28,389 Er, the surnames that have most dwindled over the last century are Handcock--not Hancock, but Handcock-- 191 00:17:28,390 --> 00:17:32,190 Glasscock, Higginbottom, Shufflebottom and Winterbottom. The most— 192 00:17:32,191 --> 00:17:34,591 - We had a Jimmy Glasscock at school. - Did you? 193 00:17:34,592 --> 00:17:36,992 Yeah. You could always see when he was coming. 194 00:17:43,093 --> 00:17:49,193 Oh, yes! Quality! Oh, dear. Very good! 195 00:17:49,194 --> 00:17:51,694 I never thought I'd have a chance to do that joke! 196 00:17:55,395 --> 00:18:01,095 Anyway. Er, I want us to stay for just a little longer and pluck a few thorny English roses 197 00:18:01,096 --> 00:18:09,096 from the polytunnel of General Ignorance. So fingers on buzzers please. What will there be bluebirds over? 198 00:18:09,097 --> 00:18:11,797 ["Jerusalem"] Oh, he's in there. Charlie. 199 00:18:11,798 --> 00:18:15,798 - I shouldn't have pressed it, should I? 'Cause I'm gonna say... - Yep. 200 00:18:16,199 --> 00:18:19,499 - ...Lake Windermere! - Safe. 201 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:21,600 ["Land of Hope and Glory"] Yes. 202 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:25,201 - Er, white cliffs of Dover. - Oh! [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] 203 00:18:25,202 --> 00:18:27,602 I knew had to say it. 'Cause I knew Charlie wanted to say it. 204 00:18:27,603 --> 00:18:30,403 - Yeah. - It had to be "got out". - Had to be resolved. 205 00:18:30,404 --> 00:18:32,804 No, there... Why won't there be bluebirds ever over the... ? 206 00:18:32,805 --> 00:18:36,205 - Because they're not a native to Britain. - Quite right. Where are they native? 207 00:18:36,606 --> 00:18:38,006 - Well, America, presumably. - North America. 208 00:18:38,007 --> 00:18:41,307 - 'Cause it was written in America. - It was written by Nat Burton, the lyricist of that song, 209 00:18:41,308 --> 00:18:46,508 who had never been within 3000 miles of Dover. And he just thought it sounded good, 210 00:18:46,509 --> 00:18:50,309 and there'd been a spate of them-- 'Cause "Over the Rainbow" had been written a little earlier, 211 00:18:50,310 --> 00:18:54,810 the song from The Wizard of Oz, which has bluebirds in it, and of course right up to "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah" 212 00:18:54,811 --> 00:18:57,411 which has bluebirds in, and then they gave up on the bluebird idea. 213 00:18:57,412 --> 00:18:59,812 - Yes. - But it was associated with happiness, for some reason. 214 00:18:59,813 --> 00:19:02,713 Bluebird of happiness. Er, but they don't exist in Europe. 215 00:19:03,214 --> 00:19:06,014 They're pretty, though. There he is, little... he's blue! You've got to give him that! 216 00:19:06,015 --> 00:19:10,215 - Can't they bring some in? - Let's just, er... spray up some robins. 217 00:19:12,316 --> 00:19:15,216 - Don't wanna mess with robins; they're feisty. - They are very feisty. 218 00:19:15,217 --> 00:19:20,317 Not with the spray gun in the beak! 'Cause it'd just be... 219 00:19:20,318 --> 00:19:24,718 You'd just do the front - turn it round - do the back: Bluebird! Wallop. 220 00:19:25,219 --> 00:19:30,319 - Do... Do some pigeons. - Aw, yeah! I'd dye pigeons! 221 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,420 They wouldn't mind as long as they had a sandwich. 222 00:19:33,921 --> 00:19:40,121 Good! Now, how many times a year did Queen Elizabeth I of England have a bath? 223 00:19:40,722 --> 00:19:45,822 Never. [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] 224 00:19:46,123 --> 00:19:48,523 Once, twice, three times, four times, five times, six times, seven-- 225 00:19:48,524 --> 00:19:54,124 [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] Thanks for that. That'll be a "once". 226 00:19:54,125 --> 00:19:58,225 She... It was thought indecent to immerse oneself in water. 227 00:19:58,226 --> 00:20:02,226 Well, she, er-- that is an actual photograph of her taking a bath... 228 00:20:02,727 --> 00:20:07,627 She... She actually was considered rather pernickety about her... they, she, she... 229 00:20:07,628 --> 00:20:13,828 Four times a year, at least, she bathed. As the old joke says, "Even if she didn't need one." Erm. 230 00:20:13,829 --> 00:20:17,629 In medieval England though, baths were, they were much more popular than we suppose. 231 00:20:17,630 --> 00:20:22,630 There were bathhouses in every town. But it was really the monks who didn't like it 'cause they thought it led on to lewd behaviour. 232 00:20:22,631 --> 00:20:27,431 - Mm. In fact, they knew it led on to lewd behaviour. - Well, they knew it. Exactly. 233 00:20:27,432 --> 00:20:30,832 So, which is the smallest county in England, please? 234 00:20:30,833 --> 00:20:33,033 ["God Save the Queen"] Yes. 235 00:20:33,834 --> 00:20:36,834 - Rutland! - Oh! [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] 236 00:20:36,835 --> 00:20:38,535 Doesn't exist any more! 237 00:20:38,536 --> 00:20:41,636 - Rutland does exist, it was reintroduced as a county in 1997... - It does, it's back! 238 00:20:41,637 --> 00:20:46,137 so it does exist. And, er, the awful thing is, you're half-right, but you're also half-very-very-wrong. 239 00:20:46,138 --> 00:20:51,038 - Ohh... tell me more! - See if you can work it out. One... There is a county... 240 00:20:51,039 --> 00:20:53,739 - Upper Rutland. - ...that is smaller than Rutland, but only for half the year. 241 00:20:56,440 --> 00:21:01,040 - Oh! Oh no, I'm thinking of the tide, but that's every day. - Yes! Yes! That's every day but... 242 00:21:01,041 --> 00:21:03,841 half the day it's... and therefore if you tot it up into a year... 243 00:21:03,842 --> 00:21:06,842 - Oh! - Is it... up there, the Fens, somewhere? 244 00:21:06,843 --> 00:21:08,743 - No. - Is it somewhere else on the coast? 245 00:21:08,744 --> 00:21:12,644 - It's a proper county. People think it's Hampshire, but it's not Hampshire. - Anglesey. 246 00:21:12,645 --> 00:21:15,745 - Oh, Isle of Wight! - Isle of Wight. Isle of Wight is its own county. 247 00:21:16,146 --> 00:21:20,346 And at high tide it is smaller than Rutland. But when... At low tide... 248 00:21:20,347 --> 00:21:23,447 - Wow! - ...it's bigger. So there you have it. 249 00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:27,448 And we at QI almost discovered this! It's not a known fact. 250 00:21:27,449 --> 00:21:32,749 But they called up the Isle of Wight council and they discussed it, and they've confirmed that it is true. So you heard it here first. 251 00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:36,650 That's the sort of thing... once you've been told that once - it just stays there forever. 252 00:21:37,551 --> 00:21:44,051 Yes, like some awful piece of chewing gum, stuck in the hair, isn't it? Now, who owns all the swans in England? 253 00:21:44,052 --> 00:21:46,052 ["Land of Hope and Glory"] The Queen. 254 00:21:46,053 --> 00:21:47,553 - What did you say? - I said, "the Queen". 255 00:21:47,554 --> 00:21:49,454 Ohh! [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] 256 00:21:49,455 --> 00:21:54,555 - What a pity. No. No, no. - The queen's estate. The Crown. 257 00:21:54,556 --> 00:21:58,056 No. The Queen owns all the mute swans. 258 00:21:58,057 --> 00:21:59,657 - What? - The mute swans, but there... 259 00:21:59,658 --> 00:22:04,458 none of the Whoopers or Bewick's Swans, which are other breeds of swan. And she only counts them in the-- 260 00:22:04,459 --> 00:22:07,859 - The Bishop of somewhere? - No. It's all of us. - It's just... 261 00:22:07,860 --> 00:22:11,060 They're not owned by anybody. The Queen owns the mute swans. 262 00:22:11,061 --> 00:22:14,561 - They're free! They're free swans, aren't they? - Exactly. They're free swans. 263 00:22:14,562 --> 00:22:21,162 To roam and do as they will. Marvellous animals, aren't they? They have penises like ducks. Erm. Which... 264 00:22:21,163 --> 00:22:23,363 What, the penis is in the shape of a duck? 265 00:22:26,664 --> 00:22:28,964 - That would be a great joke of nature! - Yes! Yeah. 266 00:22:28,965 --> 00:22:31,465 - No, but their... it's very rare... - That's a bit confusing for a duck, isn't it? [Alan quacks] 267 00:22:31,466 --> 00:22:32,866 Most birds don't have penises. 268 00:22:32,867 --> 00:22:38,767 That's why the swans look so smug! Got the big duck-shaped penis under the water. 269 00:22:41,968 --> 00:22:44,068 "And I can carry the kids on my back." 270 00:22:44,969 --> 00:22:48,169 What's the most common cause of death amongst the swan population? 271 00:22:48,170 --> 00:22:48,870 - The Queen. - Is it... 272 00:22:48,871 --> 00:22:53,571 - Not the Queen, no! - She's just gagging for swan! 273 00:22:54,172 --> 00:22:56,272 - Apparently... - A predator? Or an illness? 274 00:22:56,273 --> 00:23:01,073 - No, it's electrocution. They're electrocuted. - Keeps turning the telly over with a wet beak. 275 00:23:01,074 --> 00:23:07,174 - Yeah! Possibly. - "Don't like that, do you?" 276 00:23:09,575 --> 00:23:13,675 But roast swan--or any swan... Swan can be legally eaten by... 277 00:23:13,676 --> 00:23:16,576 - The Queen and Prince Philip only. - The Royal Family and... 278 00:23:16,577 --> 00:23:18,777 - Gypsies! - No, fellows... 279 00:23:19,478 --> 00:23:22,078 What's the point of being a gypsy if you can't eat swan? 280 00:23:24,079 --> 00:23:30,579 No, apparently, swans can be eaten by members of the Royal Family and by fellows of St John's College, Cambridge, on June 25th. 281 00:23:30,580 --> 00:23:32,880 - That's my birthday! - Is it? - Can I have some? 282 00:23:32,881 --> 00:23:35,281 - Is it really? - I'd like a swan nugget. 283 00:23:35,882 --> 00:23:38,782 - Just don't eat the bit that looks like a duck. - No. 284 00:23:39,783 --> 00:23:43,183 So, you know these people, these royals, Stephen; do they say what it tastes like? 285 00:23:43,184 --> 00:23:45,084 Have you ever... Have you had a... You must have had a bit. 286 00:23:45,085 --> 00:23:49,485 - It's not very pleasant. It's fishy. - Fishy! - But the best swan is when... 287 00:23:49,486 --> 00:23:54,986 From a cygnet, they're fed oats, which is not a normal thing, and then they don't get that fishy unpleasant flavour. 288 00:23:54,987 --> 00:23:58,787 - They taste like porridge? - Possibly. 289 00:23:58,788 --> 00:24:04,488 Does the Queen have, like, cold swan in her fridge? Come in late at night, pick it up... Swan carcass. 290 00:24:04,489 --> 00:24:09,389 She... She opens the fridge, she gets... gets it out... She loves the neck, that's her favourite bit. 291 00:24:11,790 --> 00:24:20,490 So! Er, from fellows of St John's, Cambridge, to Oxford. What is the Oxford History of England all about? 292 00:24:20,491 --> 00:24:22,191 ["Land of Hope and Glory"] Yes. 293 00:24:22,192 --> 00:24:26,092 England. [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] 294 00:24:26,093 --> 00:24:31,393 Nay. You'd think it would be, with a title like that. 295 00:24:31,894 --> 00:24:37,094 France! [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] 296 00:24:37,095 --> 00:24:41,995 - Not France neither! - All right, this one: Abyssinia! Yeah. Come on! 297 00:24:42,396 --> 00:24:46,996 - Yes! Get up there! - They didn't predict that. They didn't predict that! 298 00:24:48,697 --> 00:24:51,697 - Oxford History of England... - It's simply... 299 00:24:51,698 --> 00:24:57,098 When you say England, sometimes, accidentally, you might actually mean... 300 00:24:57,499 --> 00:24:59,299 - England. - Britain. No! 301 00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:01,300 - But you might say, when you meant Britain, you say... - Oh yeah, yeah. You're right, yeah. 302 00:25:01,301 --> 00:25:05,301 "Oh yeah, you know, the English, er... are very good at, blah, blah," and you actually mean Britain, although, y'know. 303 00:25:05,302 --> 00:25:11,502 And the fact is, it was perfectly normal to say "England" for all of Britain right up until the 1930s, 304 00:25:11,503 --> 00:25:14,503 when Scottish nationalism arose and they got rather offended by it. 305 00:25:14,504 --> 00:25:19,004 Benjamin Disraeli signed the Treaty of Berlin, er, as the Prime Minister of England. He meant... 306 00:25:19,005 --> 00:25:23,205 He meant Great Britain technically. The one part stood for the whole. 307 00:25:23,206 --> 00:25:26,806 Er, so, the book... The Oxford History of England is actually the history of the British Isles. 308 00:25:26,807 --> 00:25:31,207 I'm not saying it was right! But it's just as it was. There you are. 309 00:25:31,208 --> 00:25:36,508 As AJP Taylor, the great historian noted, "When the Oxford History was launched a generation ago," he said, 310 00:25:36,509 --> 00:25:41,509 "England was still an all-embracing word. It meant indiscriminately England and Wales, Great Britain, the United Kingdom... 311 00:25:41,510 --> 00:25:45,110 even the British Empire." This is not to say the term "British" wasn't used, 312 00:25:45,111 --> 00:25:52,011 it was just that "England" could mean the whole thing. So, erm, where does the word "England" come from? Why are we called English? What's this "England" about? 313 00:25:52,012 --> 00:25:55,512 ["Jerusalem"] Yes. 314 00:25:56,513 --> 00:26:00,813 - Go on, go on. - Well, one... you know. All right, the Angles. - Yes! Quite correct. 315 00:26:01,314 --> 00:26:04,514 - What? - You see? 316 00:26:08,715 --> 00:26:09,915 Where did the Angles come from? 317 00:26:10,516 --> 00:26:12,716 - Anglesey. - America. - Anglesey! 318 00:26:12,717 --> 00:26:14,917 - Essex. London. - America? 319 00:26:16,618 --> 00:26:20,418 - A kind of... Germanic area. - Er, yeah, north, very north, towards Denmark. 320 00:26:20,419 --> 00:26:23,219 Schleswig-Holstein is the area, as it's known as, exactly. 321 00:26:23,220 --> 00:26:28,420 But it turns out that actually, DNA on Britons and English people shows that, in fact, 322 00:26:28,421 --> 00:26:31,821 most of the indigenous Britons originally came from the Basque area, 323 00:26:31,822 --> 00:26:36,422 and walked over when the Channel, which is only 9000 years old, was probably... 324 00:26:36,423 --> 00:26:39,523 - When we had wolves and bears. - Yes. 325 00:26:39,524 --> 00:26:43,424 All right! Stop writing. That is the end of the English exam, 326 00:26:43,425 --> 00:26:50,725 and it's time to post the results on the notice board, prior to coming and seeing me in my study. And... 327 00:26:50,726 --> 00:26:52,726 Abumgang! 328 00:27:01,527 --> 00:27:07,527 Our English master this week, with minus-8 points, is Phill Jupitus! 329 00:27:12,528 --> 00:27:17,728 And hot on his behind... Er, I probably could have put that better. 330 00:27:17,729 --> 00:27:23,329 He didn't start too well but, my God, he made up for it. On minus-15, Charlie Higson! 331 00:27:27,430 --> 00:27:33,030 And on minus-29, just avoiding rustication is Sean Lock! 332 00:27:33,031 --> 00:27:34,831 Thank you! 333 00:27:37,631 --> 00:27:41,631 So we know who'll be adopting the position and awaiting my pleasure in the study: 334 00:27:46,532 --> 00:27:52,232 With minus-59 points, it's Alan Davies! 335 00:27:55,633 --> 00:27:57,533 But... 336 00:28:00,534 --> 00:28:06,534 Of course, as can occasionally happen, due to their superior and extraordinary knowledge 337 00:28:06,535 --> 00:28:12,035 of the Lake District, the real winners with plus-10 are the audience! 338 00:28:18,036 --> 00:28:22,036 So that's it for this week from Charlie, Sean, Phill, Alan and myself. 339 00:28:22,037 --> 00:28:27,137 Jolly boating weather to you, and this last thought from the not-at-all-English Oscar Wilde. 340 00:28:27,138 --> 00:28:33,738 "If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't deserve to have any." Good night. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net