1 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:35,435 Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. 2 00:00:36,576 --> 00:00:41,955 Hello and indeed goodbye from QI, where tonight, the end is nigh. 3 00:00:41,956 --> 00:00:46,473 For an exciting photo finish, I'm joined by the Four Jockeys of the Apocalypse 4 00:00:46,474 --> 00:00:50,146 and they are: Mr Jimmy Carr, 5 00:00:52,584 --> 00:00:55,134 Mr Dara O Briain, 6 00:00:57,663 --> 00:01:00,818 Miss Doon Mackichan 7 00:01:02,492 --> 00:01:06,052 and Master Alan Davies. 8 00:01:10,682 --> 00:01:15,931 Now, before... Before we plunge up into our elbows in the Seven Bowls of Wrath, 9 00:01:15,933 --> 00:01:20,335 let me remind you about our regular Elephant in the Room bonus. 10 00:01:22,227 --> 00:01:26,432 There are extra points for spotting any pachyderms on my person this evening, 11 00:01:26,474 --> 00:01:30,323 but now, let's hear how you all intend to end it all. 12 00:01:30,324 --> 00:01:33,127 And Dara goes: 13 00:01:34,623 --> 00:01:36,468 And Jimmy goes: 14 00:01:40,048 --> 00:01:41,806 Doon goes: 15 00:01:46,543 --> 00:01:48,790 And Alan goes: 16 00:02:06,286 --> 00:02:08,338 Lovely. 17 00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:12,276 Excellent! 18 00:02:19,817 --> 00:02:22,138 Great. 19 00:02:23,426 --> 00:02:25,295 Thank you, Alan! 20 00:02:30,034 --> 00:02:34,458 Superb. I think I detected the hand of the late, great Dudley Moore in your buzzer, there. 21 00:02:34,595 --> 00:02:37,149 Now, that brings us to our final question. 22 00:02:37,150 --> 00:02:41,598 What were the last words of General Sedgwick 23 00:02:41,605 --> 00:02:44,310 in the wilderness of Spotsylvania? 24 00:02:44,311 --> 00:02:46,500 - He hasn't got a mouth. - Yes. 25 00:02:47,833 --> 00:02:50,625 So... there weren't any words at all! 26 00:02:51,297 --> 00:02:53,500 Unless he wrote them down. 27 00:02:53,750 --> 00:02:56,561 In a convenient bubble that he carried around with him. 28 00:02:57,579 --> 00:03:00,242 Maybe he had a little notebook with bubble shaped things and he just... 29 00:03:00,366 --> 00:03:03,194 I'll tell you that the year is 1864. What war was going on then? 30 00:03:03,448 --> 00:03:06,105 - Franco-Prussian War. - That was a tiny bit later. 31 00:03:06,418 --> 00:03:10,058 The Hundred-Years, Thirty Years, Twenty-Five Years... 32 00:03:10,383 --> 00:03:11,870 The Civil... American Civil War. 33 00:03:11,871 --> 00:03:15,196 - The American Civil War. We're talking about the gen... - The American Civil War. - Yeah, well done! 34 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:19,000 NO, NO! DON'T! 35 00:03:20,531 --> 00:03:22,363 No! You bastard! 36 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:26,195 - Ah! Thank you for cutting that off. - The American Civil War. 37 00:03:26,314 --> 00:03:28,933 It is the American Civil War. That was not, however, the question. 38 00:03:28,934 --> 00:03:32,171 Spotsylvania is in, er, near to Pennsylvania. 39 00:03:32,172 --> 00:03:34,522 It's Virginia, in fact. It's in the state of Virginia. 40 00:03:34,711 --> 00:03:37,176 He was actually with a hundred-thousand of his own men. 41 00:03:37,177 --> 00:03:40,349 He was, er, part of the Union, i.e, the Yankee army, 42 00:03:40,350 --> 00:03:43,591 facing fifty-two thousand Confederate troops. 43 00:03:43,592 --> 00:03:46,048 And they were just getting ready for the battle 44 00:03:46,049 --> 00:03:50,302 - and there were snipers - Was he saying "Ea-sy"? 'Cause he had... 45 00:03:50,303 --> 00:03:52,232 Almost that equivalent. It was hubris. 46 00:03:52,233 --> 00:03:55,593 - It was one of the most extraordinary last words ever spoken. - "It'll be... This'll be over in five minutes." 47 00:03:56,062 --> 00:03:59,184 "We'll be back in time for Deal Or No Deal?" 48 00:03:59,259 --> 00:04:02,294 Let me tell you now that you could have played your elephant cards. 49 00:04:02,317 --> 00:04:04,227 - Oh. Well, I will then. - Ahh! - Too late. 50 00:04:04,228 --> 00:04:08,939 He actually said "Why are you dodging like this? 51 00:04:08,940 --> 00:04:13,002 They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..." 52 00:04:13,835 --> 00:04:16,966 And he was shot under the left eye, and fell down dead 53 00:04:16,967 --> 00:04:18,927 without finishing the word "distance". 54 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,860 - Ooh! You'd be annoyed, wouldn't you? - You would. 55 00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:27,000 - You'd be livid! You'd be li... Shiny eye? That's annoying to start with and you look a fool! - Exactly! 56 00:04:27,406 --> 00:04:29,814 Cheered up the troops, though, I'd imagine. I'd imagine they found that... 57 00:04:29,815 --> 00:04:32,454 they probably found that irony quite funny as that. 58 00:04:32,566 --> 00:04:37,115 - Troops will. They have that sort of sense of humour. - They do, don't they? - The lower... The lower orders, er, like that! 59 00:04:38,689 --> 00:04:40,967 He was known as "Uncle John"; he was very popular. 60 00:04:41,017 --> 00:04:43,400 Ulysses S. Grant mourned his death; 61 00:04:43,401 --> 00:04:45,489 said it was worse than a loss of a division. 62 00:04:45,490 --> 00:04:49,556 He was the highest ranking Union officer of any kind to die in the war. 63 00:04:49,828 --> 00:04:51,611 Do you think famous last words are accurate, 64 00:04:51,623 --> 00:04:54,595 'cause I think they lie a lot of the time. It's always something incredibly witty, 65 00:04:54,596 --> 00:04:57,757 like, you know: "Dying? That's the last thing I shall do!" 66 00:04:57,758 --> 00:05:03,136 Whereas in fact, I imagine they said that about four days before they died, and the last thing they said was "Nurse!" 67 00:05:03,912 --> 00:05:05,996 "Nurse! It's happening again, I'm scared!" 68 00:05:06,819 --> 00:05:08,296 You're probably right. 69 00:05:08,297 --> 00:05:12,500 - No one got either their Elephant point. It may not be the only elephant bonus this... this game... - Let's hope not! 70 00:05:12,501 --> 00:05:15,657 I'd hate to think you'd... you'd spent your elephant bonus at the very start, erm... 71 00:05:15,700 --> 00:05:19,639 Well, that's true. There are extra points if you can tell me... I mentioned Ulysses S. Grant, 72 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:21,202 the great general of the Union army. 73 00:05:21,203 --> 00:05:24,342 - What did the "S" stand for? - Sausage. 74 00:05:25,613 --> 00:05:29,570 - I'd so like to tell you that that was the answer! - Simon. Stevens. Stephanie. 75 00:05:29,849 --> 00:05:32,147 - Simone. - Steamboat. - Spanky! 76 00:05:33,381 --> 00:05:35,056 Spanky Grant! 77 00:05:35,100 --> 00:05:38,224 - Sugar... Sugartits. - "Sugartits!" 78 00:05:39,145 --> 00:05:42,821 You can see... I mean the "S" works. "Sugartits" didn't work at all, er... 79 00:05:42,822 --> 00:05:45,824 "Follow me men!" "All right, Sugartits!" 80 00:05:46,402 --> 00:05:50,163 - Erm, no, actually, the "S" in Ulysses S. Grant stood for nothing at all. - Nothing at all. 81 00:05:50,164 --> 00:05:52,190 "S" was his... just his middle name. 82 00:05:52,317 --> 00:05:56,893 Now, what use can you think of for a cat in a box 83 00:05:56,894 --> 00:05:58,752 at the end of a parachute? 84 00:06:00,500 --> 00:06:05,470 - Jimmy. - It could serve as an example to other naughty cats. 85 00:06:06,479 --> 00:06:08,939 That would be... That would be my first thought on that! 86 00:06:09,145 --> 00:06:13,119 - It's very good. - It would be a hell of a way to finish off a children's party, wouldn't it? 87 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:17,008 "What's that? What's that? Oh! Oh no, it hasn't opened!" Er, and... 88 00:06:18,598 --> 00:06:20,515 The last one: miaow. Er... 89 00:06:21,033 --> 00:06:23,340 So you pull your cord, nothing happens: 90 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:26,338 You pull your safety cord: nothing happens 91 00:06:26,339 --> 00:06:29,243 you're allowed to take the cat out for your last few minutes, 92 00:06:29,244 --> 00:06:33,866 as a stress relieving boon to your dying minutes. 93 00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:37,800 - It's a sweet idea! - Oh, there it goes! - Bless! 94 00:06:38,857 --> 00:06:41,525 Is there a part of the world that is in dire need of cats? 95 00:06:41,558 --> 00:06:47,272 There was between 1959 and 1961, and it was the combined British and World Health Organisation. 96 00:06:47,273 --> 00:06:49,951 Oh, some sort of mouse epidemic? 97 00:06:49,963 --> 00:06:53,400 You're exactly on the right lines. In fact it wasn't mice but rats. 98 00:06:53,528 --> 00:06:57,325 Rats carry all kinds of diseases and as vermin need to be controlled, 99 00:06:57,326 --> 00:07:01,576 - and the best way of controlling them in some circumstances... - is to parachute in... - The best way is to parachute cats in a box?! 100 00:07:02,580 --> 00:07:05,135 - It is, in... - How do they get out of the box? 101 00:07:05,136 --> 00:07:10,000 Why don't you... Why don't you just drive up to the border with them and just fire them out of a cannon? 102 00:07:10,207 --> 00:07:13,831 'Cause then their natural landing instinct would kick in! 103 00:07:14,279 --> 00:07:16,175 Putting little goggles on them to keep their hair back... 104 00:07:16,176 --> 00:07:20,345 Mad as this seems, there is a kind of awful logic behind why they had to be parachuted. 105 00:07:20,378 --> 00:07:23,497 Why in the country would there be a sudden shortage of cats? 106 00:07:23,498 --> 00:07:25,502 There's lots of dogs. 107 00:07:25,503 --> 00:07:27,339 That would be one reason. 108 00:07:27,627 --> 00:07:30,169 Had someone put catnip on the border? And they're all... 109 00:07:31,229 --> 00:07:32,975 We're in Borneo. Sarawak. 110 00:07:33,227 --> 00:07:36,512 Old women had swallowed flies... er, and 111 00:07:38,003 --> 00:07:40,276 - I'm with Dara on this one. - The clue I'll give you: 112 00:07:40,277 --> 00:07:45,500 Dichloro-Diphenyl-Trichloroethane. Now, what? 113 00:07:45,532 --> 00:07:46,800 - Cat flu. - DDT? 114 00:07:46,801 --> 00:07:48,544 DDT, well done. Now you're getting there. 115 00:07:48,545 --> 00:07:50,585 - Stuff to stop you having mozzy-bites? - Yes. 116 00:07:50,586 --> 00:07:56,528 It destroys mosquitos and it was sprayed in huge quantities over jungles in Sarawak and Borneo. 117 00:07:56,529 --> 00:08:01,864 - And it killed all the mosquitos very successfully... - Killed... everything. - but it also killed a lot of cockroaches. 118 00:08:02,058 --> 00:08:05,631 The cockroaches ate the DDT and were eaten by cats, 119 00:08:05,632 --> 00:08:07,334 which killed the cats. 120 00:08:07,354 --> 00:08:11,705 But a lot of the cats were dead in places that you can spray from the air with DDT, in other words, 121 00:08:11,706 --> 00:08:16,746 places that you can't get a cat to in a little catmobile, for example 122 00:08:16,776 --> 00:08:19,601 so they dropped them in in boxes that had special springs 123 00:08:19,602 --> 00:08:25,058 so that when they landed, the spring would open; the cat would bound out and help itself to any passing rat. 124 00:08:25,089 --> 00:08:28,064 - It would eat it? - They would bound out? How showbiz is that?! 125 00:08:28,365 --> 00:08:30,332 - They would go "Fwoing!" - "Hello!" 126 00:08:30,619 --> 00:08:35,232 And all the rats are gathered and go, "What's this? What's this? What's this? What's this? Oh, shit, it's a cat!" 127 00:08:35,856 --> 00:08:39,555 But the cat has been terrified. The cat has surely shat in the box 128 00:08:39,556 --> 00:08:42,569 - on its way down. I mean, come on... - You would think... You'd think it is a bit traumatising. 129 00:08:42,570 --> 00:08:45,000 - If you've tried to take a cat in a basket to the vet, it's bad enough. - Exactly. 130 00:08:45,001 --> 00:08:47,150 - Is this... is this... - Oh, they love going in the basket. - Whoof. 131 00:08:47,184 --> 00:08:51,201 I had to take mine once to the vet and they... two of them, and they got out in the car, 132 00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:59,497 and I knew one had got out 'cause I could see it on the... on the back shelf, urinating. 133 00:09:00,627 --> 00:09:04,459 And the other one got on the dashboard in front of me and just went: 134 00:09:07,927 --> 00:09:11,996 "Get back in the box!" 135 00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:17,243 - "I'll parachute you into Borneo if you're not careful!" - On your arm...! 136 00:09:17,244 --> 00:09:20,895 - "You wanna go to Borneo? No! Get in your box!" - Oh, Lord. 137 00:09:23,542 --> 00:09:27,237 - So, no, I can't imagine they'd take to it. - No. 138 00:09:29,228 --> 00:09:34,577 So, there you have it. In 1959, the World Health Organisation parachuted cats in crates into Borneo 139 00:09:34,578 --> 00:09:36,689 to tackle a plague of rats accidentally 140 00:09:36,690 --> 00:09:38,433 caused by their campaign against malaria. 141 00:09:38,434 --> 00:09:43,491 What finally finished off the elderly in Great Yarmouth in 1960? 142 00:09:43,843 --> 00:09:46,580 Please tell me... 143 00:09:47,602 --> 00:09:49,885 - ...this is the time for... - What a world it would be. 144 00:09:50,051 --> 00:09:54,472 Oh, it'd be great. Like, once a year, just release an elephant into the streets of Great Yarmouth 145 00:09:55,825 --> 00:09:58,807 and... and... and sellotape peanuts to the old, er... 146 00:10:01,506 --> 00:10:03,239 They would die of shock, wouldn't they? 147 00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:06,795 I... They'd... They'd die of compression, a lot of them. Er... 148 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:10,685 - They did die of shock. - Oh, okay. - Or at least one... one person died of shock, firstly. 149 00:10:10,741 --> 00:10:17,678 It was two rather... sporty, shall we say, fellow members of the Haslemere Home For The Elderly 150 00:10:17,679 --> 00:10:22,172 - in Great Yarmouth. - They saw a cat coming down at them by parachute. 151 00:10:22,384 --> 00:10:24,598 No. No, it was two who were responsible for the deaths. 152 00:10:24,599 --> 00:10:27,779 One was an 81-year-old woman, 153 00:10:28,104 --> 00:10:31,561 who did a striptease, 154 00:10:31,862 --> 00:10:36,820 presumably in the lounge. And one of the... one of the old people had a heart attack. 155 00:10:37,484 --> 00:10:40,423 And five others had to have medical attention for shock. 156 00:10:40,519 --> 00:10:44,400 - As a matter of interest, did any of them have a stroke? - Wey hey! Now... Now... 157 00:10:49,397 --> 00:10:52,447 Well, this Ms Gladys Elton, which was her name, Gladys... 158 00:10:52,448 --> 00:10:56,988 - She was responsible for the death of one of her fellow... he wouldn't be alive now! - Obviously. 159 00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:59,179 - This was 1960. - Gladys is her real name. 160 00:10:59,180 --> 00:11:01,775 Her stripper name would be like Aurora, or something. 161 00:11:01,776 --> 00:11:05,884 Possibly! Another inmate whose name was Harry Meadows, and he was 87 162 00:11:05,885 --> 00:11:08,698 dressed up as Death, complete with scythe, 163 00:11:08,699 --> 00:11:13,602 and appeared at the window, and tapped on it, and beckoned! 164 00:11:14,255 --> 00:11:15,908 "Hello!" 165 00:11:17,538 --> 00:11:20,342 - "Come in!" - He did what?! 166 00:11:20,631 --> 00:11:24,358 Yep. And three further residents died as a result of seeing that! 167 00:11:25,372 --> 00:11:28,150 Are you sure he isn't Death and they just caught him? 168 00:11:28,192 --> 00:11:30,856 Maybe Death is a man called Harry Meadows! But, er... 169 00:11:31,293 --> 00:11:34,468 And they never had a fancy dress party again! 170 00:11:35,077 --> 00:11:40,724 The following year... And we are indebted to Brewer's Book of Rogues, Villains And Eccentrics for this extraordinary information. 171 00:11:40,758 --> 00:11:44,653 The following year they closed the Haslemere Home For The Elderly down. 172 00:11:44,739 --> 00:11:46,806 What did they do to Gladys Elton? 173 00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:51,300 I would hope that they played "The Stripper" at her funeral, anyway, er, if nothing else. 174 00:11:51,301 --> 00:11:53,000 So, God bless her. 175 00:11:53,336 --> 00:11:56,093 That was, er, Gladys Elton, er, and Harry Meadows. 176 00:11:56,094 --> 00:11:59,011 Now, what is pink, has pendulous breasts, 177 00:11:59,070 --> 00:12:02,555 gets sailors all excited, and tastes of prime beef? 178 00:12:03,019 --> 00:12:06,000 Was Princess Margaret buried at sea? 179 00:12:06,508 --> 00:12:10,099 - Aww! Very good, excellent. - What?! 180 00:12:10,100 --> 00:12:11,696 Any other thoughts? 181 00:12:11,697 --> 00:12:15,331 - I thought it might be Gladys Elton, but... - Oh, Doon! 182 00:12:17,086 --> 00:12:19,192 We were there before you. Ohh. 183 00:12:20,313 --> 00:12:22,884 - A walrus. - Well, you're in the right area. 184 00:12:22,885 --> 00:12:25,191 - A manatee? - Oh, manatee is closer. 185 00:12:25,509 --> 00:12:28,700 - Steller's Sea Cow, which is the, er... - Steller? 186 00:12:28,701 --> 00:12:34,234 the name of this particular species of Sirenia... of dugong manatee-like thing. 187 00:12:34,235 --> 00:12:36,383 - Oh. Oh, look at that. - Oh, isn't it beautiful. 188 00:12:36,384 --> 00:12:40,396 You... You can see why sailors in days of yore thought they were mermaids. 189 00:12:41,319 --> 00:12:43,325 How long would have to be at sea, before you spotted that 190 00:12:43,326 --> 00:12:45,981 and went, "Oh, yeah, I'd do it, yeah. 191 00:12:46,089 --> 00:12:47,595 Another one!" 192 00:12:47,596 --> 00:12:50,592 That's actually a model, because it's one of those sad stories... 193 00:12:50,593 --> 00:12:53,434 Oh, they have models as well? That's a particularly good-looking one? 194 00:12:54,677 --> 00:12:58,465 - Yeah, she is a looker, Stephen! - That's a size-zero dugong! 195 00:12:58,942 --> 00:13:02,942 - Well, why would we not have a photograph of it? Why would we only have this model? - Because they're extinct? 196 00:13:03,006 --> 00:13:06,278 - Very camera-shy. - I'm afraid what happened was this man Steller 197 00:13:06,279 --> 00:13:08,785 described it as being pink, having pendulous breasts... 198 00:13:08,786 --> 00:13:13,542 and tasting delicious. 7,000 pounds' worth of meat you get off one of those. 199 00:13:13,563 --> 00:13:18,118 So people came from far and wide to Bering Island where he'd discovered them and, er... 200 00:13:19,195 --> 00:13:22,732 - Ate the lot. - And the last one was twenty-six years after he discovered it, 201 00:13:22,733 --> 00:13:26,800 so he has the distinction of being the first and last scientist to describe the animal, so it was very... 202 00:13:26,809 --> 00:13:30,597 - If he hadn't described it as "tasty"... - That was his big mistake. 203 00:13:30,638 --> 00:13:32,363 He should've said it was disgusting, shouldn't he? 204 00:13:32,735 --> 00:13:38,603 Now, what's the story, lady and gentleman, of the Emperor's New Thrones? 205 00:13:39,309 --> 00:13:43,800 - So many! - When you're on the spot, you go - Yeah, I know! 206 00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:48,161 you go right out of your mind! I just keep... All I can think of is a penguin! 207 00:13:50,044 --> 00:13:53,442 I've got the penguin on the chair and I know it's not right! 208 00:13:54,923 --> 00:13:58,002 - Ming. The Merciless. - Ming. The Merciless. 209 00:13:58,143 --> 00:13:59,632 - Who I'm pretty sure was an emperor. - He was. 210 00:13:59,633 --> 00:14:02,353 Was Jabba The Hutt an emperor? 211 00:14:02,354 --> 00:14:06,868 Let's stay on Earth, can we? Just, please! Er, all right, so it was 212 00:14:06,869 --> 00:14:09,323 - Was he, though? - It's not... It's not Europe. 213 00:14:09,327 --> 00:14:11,327 - It's not Europe. - Not Europe. Africa, Asia... 214 00:14:11,328 --> 00:14:13,079 - Yes, Africa. - Africa. 215 00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:15,251 - Ethiopia? - Ethiopia is the right answer. - Ethiopia? 216 00:14:15,390 --> 00:14:17,265 - Haile Selassie. - Haile Selassie. 217 00:14:17,266 --> 00:14:20,254 Now, before Haile Selassie, there was an Emperor...? 218 00:14:20,255 --> 00:14:23,288 Lowle Selassie. 219 00:14:23,860 --> 00:14:27,800 - Oh, very good. No, Emperor Menelik. - Oh, okay. 220 00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:29,964 - Possibly "Men-lick". 221 00:14:30,096 --> 00:14:31,926 - Is that him? - Yes, that's Menelik. 222 00:14:32,808 --> 00:14:36,609 Fine looking gentleman. He lived from 1844 to 1913, 223 00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:41,451 but 'round about the 1890s, he was showing some people around Addis Ababa 224 00:14:41,452 --> 00:14:44,438 the capital of Ethiopia/Abyssinia as it was known, and, er... 225 00:14:44,439 --> 00:14:47,694 - What, he was emperor and tour guide? - Yes, he seems to have been. 226 00:14:47,695 --> 00:14:49,199 These are rather august visitors. 227 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:52,270 And they noticed men dead, hanging from trees. 228 00:14:52,271 --> 00:14:56,518 And they said, "Look, come on, have you not heard of this wonderful new invention, 229 00:14:56,533 --> 00:14:58,438 the electric chair? 230 00:14:58,713 --> 00:15:01,773 It's humane, it's quick." And he said, "I shall order two of them." 231 00:15:02,732 --> 00:15:05,063 There was one tiny drawback. 232 00:15:05,704 --> 00:15:10,276 - There's no electricity. - There was no electricity supply at all. In the entire country. 233 00:15:10,277 --> 00:15:12,355 So they had to pedal really fast. 234 00:15:13,054 --> 00:15:16,035 Did they execute people using only static? 235 00:15:16,339 --> 00:15:21,000 - Rub a comb against their pullover! - It's for quite... for quite petty thefts: "Ooh! Aah!" - Yeah, yeah! 236 00:15:21,444 --> 00:15:24,685 Is it me getting older that I can't get out of a car or go to a lift 237 00:15:24,686 --> 00:15:27,577 or touch a tap in a hotel room without getting an electric shock? 238 00:15:27,578 --> 00:15:29,808 - No, it means you're very passionate. - It'd be great if it was, as you get older, 239 00:15:29,809 --> 00:15:33,500 - you become more metallic. Er, you just... - I don't know... 240 00:15:33,614 --> 00:15:38,543 Your bones turn to mercury or something and you just like an X-Men thing, 241 00:15:38,549 --> 00:15:40,954 you finally get your superpower, er, just before you die. 242 00:15:40,955 --> 00:15:44,540 "Maybe I'm turning into Ian McKellen which I've long wanted to do!" Er, but er... it's... it's... 243 00:15:44,913 --> 00:15:49,905 But some people say it's because of passion, like when you meet, you know, your... the man, the woman of your dreams, 244 00:15:49,908 --> 00:15:52,656 - you have an electric shock. - Like Van de Graaff generators. 245 00:15:52,657 --> 00:15:56,172 Sometimes if I meet an attractive woman, I will Taser her. 246 00:16:03,026 --> 00:16:06,884 Well, there we are, you see, so... But you still haven't quite answered the question yet. 247 00:16:06,939 --> 00:16:11,667 - There was... - He used them as thrones. - He used... He used, one of them anyway, as a throne. 248 00:16:11,668 --> 00:16:15,655 Did he stop being emperor when electricity finally came to Addis Ababa? 249 00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:18,059 And when they eventually brought it, did they go... they go, 250 00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:22,202 "Big news! Hope you're sitting down. No, wrong thing to say... er..." 251 00:16:23,196 --> 00:16:26,181 1896 they got electric power in... in Ethiopia. 252 00:16:26,634 --> 00:16:33,300 Now, in 1916, the fourth British Antarctic Expedition was stranded on this island for over four months. 253 00:16:33,301 --> 00:16:34,740 What's it called? 254 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:38,956 - Yes? - Guernsey. 255 00:16:39,533 --> 00:16:42,660 - There'd been a terrible mix-up... - Yeah. - ...and that is Guernsey. 256 00:16:42,690 --> 00:16:46,524 Which is quite a long way south, isn't it, Guernsey? 257 00:16:46,566 --> 00:16:48,431 But is it as far south as this island? 258 00:16:48,586 --> 00:16:52,116 - You saying that's wrong, then? - It's not Guernsey, no, but a lovely effort. Yup. 259 00:16:52,282 --> 00:16:55,668 Is this the famous one where they got stranded for ages 260 00:16:55,669 --> 00:16:58,471 and one of them had to go walking for about eight months and go back again? 261 00:16:58,472 --> 00:16:59,837 - Shackleton went all the way, yes. - Shackleton, that's it. 262 00:16:59,838 --> 00:17:03,664 Oh, is it the Island Of Reluctant But Inevitable Homosexuality? 263 00:17:06,143 --> 00:17:08,654 I think it's that one; I think I recognise it! 264 00:17:09,441 --> 00:17:12,390 From a school trip that went horribly wrong! 265 00:17:13,255 --> 00:17:17,093 Lord of the Undone Flies! Erm... It's, erm... 266 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:25,290 - Oh! Hullo! - Is it... Is it called Elephant Island? - Yes, it is! 267 00:17:25,738 --> 00:17:29,926 Marvellous, Alan! Very good! 268 00:17:30,579 --> 00:17:33,661 - Well done! - There's an elephant in the room! 269 00:17:33,757 --> 00:17:35,815 There is! You said it: there is an elephant in the room, quite right. 270 00:17:36,715 --> 00:17:39,735 Partly because of its shape: That's sort of, supposedly, I think, a trunk, isn't it? 271 00:17:39,736 --> 00:17:43,766 You can see an elephant there if you were to draw the top left as its ear, down there... 272 00:17:43,767 --> 00:17:46,658 - No, you can't. - Well, vaguely... - Nope. Nope. Nope. - No, you can't. 273 00:17:47,299 --> 00:17:49,566 It was Shackleton's lot who got stuck there 274 00:17:49,567 --> 00:17:51,234 and Shackleton went off all the way to South Georgia 275 00:17:51,263 --> 00:17:53,347 to a whaling station and he came all the way back. 276 00:17:53,348 --> 00:17:56,040 - It was an extraordinarily adventurous business. - That lot. 277 00:17:56,085 --> 00:17:57,756 and there they're all waving. That's them. 278 00:17:58,033 --> 00:18:00,734 They're an extraordinary bunch: very brave, very hardy, 279 00:18:00,735 --> 00:18:03,269 very foolish in many ways, these people. 280 00:18:03,270 --> 00:18:05,988 - Very much like us. - Yes. I'd like to think that. Erm... 281 00:18:07,006 --> 00:18:11,747 Elephant Island, named partly for its shape, as I was saying, and partly for the fact that there were a lot of elephant seals on it. 282 00:18:11,855 --> 00:18:15,117 There you are. Er, the men called it "'Ell Of An Island". 283 00:18:15,118 --> 00:18:16,826 - Eh? You see what they did there? - You can't blame them 284 00:18:16,827 --> 00:18:19,643 for descending to humour in that situation. 285 00:18:19,888 --> 00:18:23,010 Quite a few less elephant seals after they'd been there. 286 00:18:23,011 --> 00:18:29,500 - I'd imagine there were, er, many fewer elephant seals. Yes, so, erm... - Thank you. 287 00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:35,034 "Oh, please. Stephen, really!" Erm, Elephant Island: our second Elephant in the Room this week. 288 00:18:35,035 --> 00:18:39,875 What quite interesting object is at the very end of the Earth? 289 00:18:40,574 --> 00:18:44,387 - Telford Town Centre. - Hey! Very good. 290 00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:47,661 Although I would argue about the "interesting" bit. 291 00:18:48,508 --> 00:18:51,995 - Is it the bottom of Patagonia? - It's right down there, yes. 292 00:18:52,168 --> 00:18:54,499 It's the southern pole of inaccessibility. 293 00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:56,539 Oh! Is it the "off" switch? 294 00:18:57,649 --> 00:18:59,273 - To stop it spinning? - Plughole. - Yeah. 295 00:18:59,274 --> 00:19:01,844 Well, I'll tell you what it is. It's... It's... It's most unusual. 296 00:19:01,856 --> 00:19:03,890 - It's a bust. - There's a bust? - There's a bust. 297 00:19:03,917 --> 00:19:06,146 - Oh. Worth going then. - Yeah... 298 00:19:07,382 --> 00:19:10,441 In the sense, not of a pair of breasts, 299 00:19:10,442 --> 00:19:15,467 but in the sense of a sort of head and shoulders and front bit of a human being. 300 00:19:15,494 --> 00:19:18,555 No, no, we didn't really think there's a big pair of tits. 301 00:19:20,176 --> 00:19:22,891 He's a... He's a living twentieth century person. Now dead. 302 00:19:22,963 --> 00:19:24,475 - A man. - Yeah. 303 00:19:24,729 --> 00:19:26,667 - Stalin. - Oh, the one before. 304 00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:31,117 - Lenin. - Vladamir Ilyich Lenin is there, right in the middle. - My word. 305 00:19:31,265 --> 00:19:33,053 It's just bizarre. 306 00:19:33,054 --> 00:19:36,692 This southern pole of inaccessibility is more remote and hard to reach, 307 00:19:36,693 --> 00:19:38,764 than the geographical South Pole, 308 00:19:38,765 --> 00:19:45,772 and in this very year, the destination was reached by a team of four Britons called Team N2i: 309 00:19:45,773 --> 00:19:48,942 Rory Sweet, Rupert Longsdon, Henry Cookson and Paul Landry. 310 00:19:48,995 --> 00:19:54,008 And we have one of this expedition in the audience! 311 00:19:54,389 --> 00:19:55,747 Is it Lenin? 312 00:19:55,748 --> 00:20:00,241 No! Mr Rupert Longsdon is here. There he is, ladies and gentlemen! 313 00:20:00,569 --> 00:20:05,602 Isn't that bizarre? Phenomenal. 314 00:20:08,233 --> 00:20:12,199 Rupert, how far did you actually have to travel? 'Cause this was all... No... No mechanical power, was it? 315 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:16,735 Er, no mechanical power. We travelled, er, eleven-hundred miles in total. 316 00:20:16,736 --> 00:20:19,699 Some of it was cross-country skiing and then kite skiing. 317 00:20:19,824 --> 00:20:22,093 Was it cold? 318 00:20:23,637 --> 00:20:28,219 Er... When that picture was taken, I think it was minus sixty degrees celsius. 319 00:20:28,662 --> 00:20:30,778 - Oh! What did you eat? - Er, food... 320 00:20:30,835 --> 00:20:32,648 - Oh, food. - Oh, right. Yeah. 321 00:20:33,353 --> 00:20:36,997 - ...was fairly... fairly repetitive. It was chocolate, cheese, salami, pasta, lots of it. 322 00:20:37,026 --> 00:20:42,244 and one day towards the end when we'd been eating the same thing for about forty days, 323 00:20:42,245 --> 00:20:44,405 we played Laxative Roulette. 324 00:20:44,526 --> 00:20:47,777 And one person who had laxatives in their food; we didn't know who, and... 325 00:20:48,038 --> 00:20:50,262 I bet you did! 326 00:20:50,312 --> 00:20:53,802 Not straight away. The consequences were quite obvious after a while. 327 00:20:53,842 --> 00:20:56,443 Does it freeze as it comes out? 328 00:20:56,967 --> 00:20:59,522 A shard of shit! 329 00:21:00,747 --> 00:21:03,366 - When did the Russians put that there? - 1958. 330 00:21:04,684 --> 00:21:08,500 Good lord. Rupert Longsdon, congratulations on doing an extraordinary first 331 00:21:08,501 --> 00:21:11,745 and being very, very foolhardy and very brave and very brilliant. 332 00:21:11,746 --> 00:21:15,465 Well, clearly not an extraordinary first: there was a statue there when they arrived! 333 00:21:16,163 --> 00:21:19,282 They went under their own power. No one had ever done that before. 334 00:21:19,305 --> 00:21:23,014 Congratulations. Thank you very much, Rupert. Thank you. That's amazing. 335 00:21:26,498 --> 00:21:30,864 I like the idea of that, though. The idea of going... going and doing that... with no mechanical device whatsoever. 336 00:21:31,146 --> 00:21:34,089 - His moon mission's going to be amazing. - It will be impressive. 337 00:21:34,279 --> 00:21:36,481 It'll be a man up a ladder, 338 00:21:36,482 --> 00:21:39,783 going: "Ooh, this is... This is madness!" 339 00:21:40,196 --> 00:21:44,482 So, ladies and gentlemen, on that splendid note, the pale rider now herds us reluctantly 340 00:21:44,483 --> 00:21:49,842 towards the slough of despond that is General Ignorance, 341 00:21:49,865 --> 00:21:54,932 so fingers on your buzzers. What does your appendix do? 342 00:21:55,577 --> 00:21:57,904 - Oh. Doon. - Like the Great British builder, 343 00:21:57,905 --> 00:22:05,758 - it grumbles but it does absolutely nothing! - Oh, Doon, Doon, Doon, Doon, Doon! 344 00:22:07,830 --> 00:22:12,098 Does it contain details about me that aren't needed in the main body? 345 00:22:14,404 --> 00:22:16,194 Brilliant! Very good! 346 00:22:16,352 --> 00:22:20,901 Well, one of the uses it has is for rebuilding organs around the body in surgery, 347 00:22:20,918 --> 00:22:24,148 but it has quite recently been discovered to have a role in the immune system, 348 00:22:24,198 --> 00:22:28,262 building things: antibodies and, er, lymphoids and so on. 349 00:22:28,314 --> 00:22:31,266 So it is, apparently, I am rather worried now that I've discovered this. 350 00:22:31,267 --> 00:22:36,408 It seems to have plenty of uses and I'm thinking of asking for mine back. It's got... 351 00:22:36,733 --> 00:22:39,251 There it is. There it is. The little thing there. 352 00:22:39,252 --> 00:22:41,467 - Is it big? Is it... I can't see the scale of it. - I think it's only small. 353 00:22:41,468 --> 00:22:43,827 No, it's a wee little wormy thing, yeah. 354 00:22:43,828 --> 00:22:45,550 Well, maybe yours is. ... 355 00:22:49,384 --> 00:22:52,740 Showing off about the size of my appendix! 356 00:22:52,941 --> 00:22:55,292 That I don't even have anymore, ladies. 357 00:22:55,543 --> 00:22:58,965 Well, the largest one ever found belonged to a Pakistani gentleman 358 00:22:58,966 --> 00:23:01,840 and was actually 9.2 inches, which is very big. 359 00:23:03,488 --> 00:23:05,575 - Not impressed? - Nah, I'm not impressed. 360 00:23:07,051 --> 00:23:11,945 What's the best thing to do, though, when you get the four minute warning? 361 00:23:14,337 --> 00:23:19,100 Pop a Love Egg up; you're guaranteed to come before the end does. 362 00:23:25,224 --> 00:23:26,878 Very good. 363 00:23:26,879 --> 00:23:31,193 - And you've always got one on your person? - Always. At all times. 364 00:23:31,221 --> 00:23:36,486 And... What I would do if... Four minute warning, I would... get... Stand next to a wall, 365 00:23:36,487 --> 00:23:42,500 and then strike a pose. Do some... I would do something like that 366 00:23:42,556 --> 00:23:46,746 so that when I get blown into my own shadow and obliterated by the blast... 367 00:23:46,747 --> 00:23:51,700 - It would be a funny and a... Stylish. - Yeah, when they do Time Team in four thousand years - You'd go like that: 368 00:23:51,736 --> 00:23:58,224 And... and the new... Well no, I want the new Tony Robinson to uncover me and go "I think Ancient Egyptians lived here." 369 00:23:58,225 --> 00:24:02,321 Oh, no, better than that, you should get a really long pole and put it between your legs! 370 00:24:05,123 --> 00:24:11,400 - Great! - And they'd go "My God, look at this one!" Make sure you got your name somewhere on the... 371 00:24:11,406 --> 00:24:13,045 Write your name on the wall. 372 00:24:13,484 --> 00:24:17,278 You could... You could sort of, just flick out your posterior there, you could just sort of bend your bum out, 373 00:24:17,279 --> 00:24:21,869 and sort of... try and make it look as if you'd farted and everything had gone. 374 00:24:22,133 --> 00:24:24,446 Oh, please! Oh! 375 00:24:27,211 --> 00:24:29,134 What is the four minute warning? What... What am I referring to? 376 00:24:29,135 --> 00:24:30,902 - It's a nuclear attack. - There never was a four minute warning, was there? 377 00:24:30,903 --> 00:24:33,120 Ah. There wasn't really such a thing as a four minute warning. 378 00:24:33,121 --> 00:24:37,235 What happened was the... the Americans got permission from the British to build 379 00:24:37,236 --> 00:24:39,907 an early warning system at Fylingdales in North Yorkshire 380 00:24:40,096 --> 00:24:44,297 and there was quite a lot of fuss, saying, "Well, the Americans are ruining our lovely nation park 381 00:24:44,298 --> 00:24:48,184 just so they can get this 15 minute warning, and what good do we get out of it in Britain?" 382 00:24:48,185 --> 00:24:50,800 And the Defence ministry said, "Oh, well it's also useful for us, 383 00:24:50,801 --> 00:24:55,339 because we get a warning that in four minutes, we'll go." 384 00:24:55,362 --> 00:24:59,000 So... Which everybody rightly ridiculed: "What the hell use is a four minute warning?" 385 00:24:59,001 --> 00:25:03,400 I mean, you've got barely time to do anything. Except your love egg going off, obviously. Erm... 386 00:25:03,443 --> 00:25:06,099 Finally, the last, end question: 387 00:25:06,100 --> 00:25:09,861 How many poles are there at the ends of the Earth? 388 00:25:10,069 --> 00:25:13,316 - Oh, now, obviously, now, this is clearly... - Well, that's... that's a dangerous... 389 00:25:15,562 --> 00:25:21,089 I think there... Maybe there are four. There's a... There's the top of the Earth and then there's the magnetic one. 390 00:25:21,090 --> 00:25:25,230 - Is that... Is that what you're getting at? - Yes it is, I'm getting at how many North Poles and South Poles are there in... 391 00:25:25,231 --> 00:25:27,381 - Two of each. - So you're saying four? Oh, Alan! 392 00:25:28,668 --> 00:25:31,464 - I really, really tried hard! - You did try hard! 393 00:25:31,675 --> 00:25:34,000 You've got to use that, but take it further. 394 00:25:34,189 --> 00:25:36,208 Eight. 395 00:25:40,973 --> 00:25:44,330 - Have another go! - Oh no, I've blown all my Elephant points now! - You have! 396 00:25:44,894 --> 00:25:48,078 - Sixteen! - It's eleven. I know it sounds bizarre, 397 00:25:48,079 --> 00:25:49,516 but I'll try and take you through them. 398 00:25:49,517 --> 00:25:52,966 There are the two geographic poles as they're known: North and South geographic poles. 399 00:25:52,967 --> 00:25:56,790 That's where the Earth's axis of rotation meets the surface as it were... 400 00:25:57,433 --> 00:26:00,251 So that's, you know, pretty obvious. You'd think. There are... 401 00:26:01,467 --> 00:26:04,941 - There's the Earth, and that's spinning round, you know. - Come on! 402 00:26:07,644 --> 00:26:10,637 - I'm just saying... I'm not sure that's the best mime you could've done! - All right! Don't... 403 00:26:11,356 --> 00:26:15,201 "Where the... the... the geographical pole where this happens!" 404 00:26:15,921 --> 00:26:18,650 I was trying to be like it's going 'round the... 405 00:26:18,651 --> 00:26:21,288 Is that... is that what happens when you get there, sir, is it? 406 00:26:22,619 --> 00:26:27,601 - Oh, well, Lord. Okay. With... There are the two geographic poles. - Yes. 407 00:26:28,250 --> 00:26:31,812 - There's the geomagnetic poles... - What's the mime for that? 408 00:26:31,813 --> 00:26:34,255 where the Earth's magnetic dipole meets the surface. 409 00:26:34,256 --> 00:26:35,710 - Obviously! - Yeah. 410 00:26:35,711 --> 00:26:38,871 There are magnetic poles where the geomagnetic field lines 411 00:26:38,872 --> 00:26:43,518 point vertically into the ground in that way that... electrical fields... magnetic fields do. 412 00:26:43,550 --> 00:26:45,985 - Yes? - I want to go home now. 413 00:26:46,299 --> 00:26:49,479 All right! We'll carry... we're gonna get through these. Girls never like the physics, it's odd! 414 00:26:49,499 --> 00:26:51,907 Please, I feel sick, sir! 415 00:26:52,043 --> 00:26:56,062 - Even Polar Guy, about... who's kind of into this as a topic, - Yeah, yep. 416 00:26:56,063 --> 00:26:58,279 has dozed off at this stage! 417 00:26:58,664 --> 00:27:02,948 There we are. There are eleven poles: two geographic north and south poles, two magnetic poles, 418 00:27:02,949 --> 00:27:05,889 two geomagnetic poles, two poles of inaccessibility, 419 00:27:05,890 --> 00:27:08,151 two celestial poles and one ceremonial south pole. 420 00:27:08,443 --> 00:27:15,227 - Ah! And now we have come... we have come... - We've come! We've come! - Yes! 421 00:27:15,714 --> 00:27:20,263 Your pole of inaccessibility has finally been plundered! 422 00:27:25,991 --> 00:27:29,802 Yes! Oh, dear! We've come, not to the beginning of the end 423 00:27:29,803 --> 00:27:34,356 nor indeed the end of the beginning nor even the beginning of the middle part of that bit before the end 424 00:27:34,357 --> 00:27:37,850 but to the actual end of the Endings show itself, 425 00:27:37,851 --> 00:27:44,413 and we have a tie for first place between Dara and Jimmy at five points! 426 00:27:44,785 --> 00:27:47,684 Hands across the nation, now. Well done. 427 00:27:50,035 --> 00:27:52,850 And extraordinarily, tied at last place 428 00:27:52,851 --> 00:27:57,526 at minus seventeen each: Doon and Alan! 429 00:28:05,860 --> 00:28:11,603 So as the killer locusts of Abadon swarm around us and the end of the show draws nigh, 430 00:28:11,604 --> 00:28:14,410 it's good night from Jimmy, Dara, Doon, Alan, and me, 431 00:28:14,411 --> 00:28:18,074 and I'll follow the advice of the King Of Hearts, which he gave to the white rabbit: 432 00:28:18,075 --> 00:28:20,447 "Begin at the beginning," the King said gravely, 433 00:28:20,448 --> 00:28:25,786 "and go on 'til you come to the end and then stop." Good night. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net