1 00:00:32,300 --> 00:00:39,900 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and God rest ye merry gentleviewers. 2 00:00:39,901 --> 00:00:44,601 Tonight, QI is going to the Dickens with "E" for "Empire". 3 00:00:44,602 --> 00:00:49,802 In the olde curiosity shoppe, we have great expectations of Jo Brand... 4 00:00:53,003 --> 00:00:57,203 Our mutual friend, Sean Lock... 5 00:00:59,604 --> 00:01:04,104 That witty chuzzle-martin, Bill Bailey... 6 00:01:07,805 --> 00:01:13,505 And getting his knickers in one Oliver Twist, Alan Davies. 7 00:01:19,506 --> 00:01:22,706 Well, it's nearly Christmas, so let's hear some carols. 8 00:01:22,707 --> 00:01:31,007 Bill goes: ["Deck the Halls"] 9 00:01:31,808 --> 00:01:40,908 Lovely! Jo goes: ["The Holly and the Ivy"] 10 00:01:40,909 --> 00:01:47,609 Sean goes: ["Ding, Dong, Merrily on High"] 11 00:01:47,610 --> 00:01:54,110 And Alan goes: [Neil Sedaka's "Oh, Carol"] 12 00:01:54,111 --> 00:01:56,811 Just not trying, are you? 13 00:01:57,812 --> 00:02:03,012 So, don't forget to keep your eyes and ears peeled for an elephant in the room. 14 00:02:03,013 --> 00:02:04,413 - Oh, yeah. - Yeah. 15 00:02:04,414 --> 00:02:13,914 If you see one, then you're looking at one big Christmas bonus. So, to our first question. What did Queen Victoria think of Mr Bean? 16 00:02:14,615 --> 00:02:18,315 ["The Holly and the Ivy"] Yes. 17 00:02:18,316 --> 00:02:22,516 - "We are not amused." - Oh! [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] 18 00:02:25,017 --> 00:02:27,517 - Oh-h-h! - So soon! 19 00:02:27,518 --> 00:02:33,718 Straight in! Albert would have liked him, because, er, he was German. And the Germans are mad for Bean. 20 00:02:33,719 --> 00:02:36,119 - That's true. - I was on a Lufthansa flight once, 21 00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:39,620 and everyone was howling with laughter all around me with headphones in. 22 00:02:39,621 --> 00:02:43,921 - I couldn't understand why, and I looked, and they were all watching Bean. They love it. - Yeah. 23 00:02:43,922 --> 00:02:49,222 There's a certain efficiency about it. "He does something and falls over! It is very amusing! 24 00:02:50,823 --> 00:02:55,223 Before, he was walking in a straight line, then he walked into the door! This is genius!" 25 00:02:55,224 --> 00:02:59,624 "This is what happens when you break the rules!" [laughs as though he were German] 26 00:02:59,925 --> 00:03:02,625 [German accent] Ahh! Sometimes, I stay up very late. 27 00:03:05,626 --> 00:03:06,926 Can I take this off? 28 00:03:06,927 --> 00:03:10,327 'Course you can. Of course you can take it off, old thing. Yes. Is it uncomfortable? 29 00:03:10,728 --> 00:03:12,728 It's Sean Lock! 30 00:03:13,829 --> 00:03:17,129 - I suspect it's not that Mr Bean. Is there another Mr Bean? - No, it's... 31 00:03:17,130 --> 00:03:19,430 It was a man called Mr John Bean. 32 00:03:19,431 --> 00:03:22,431 He was one of three people who tried to do something to Queen Victoria, er, 33 00:03:22,432 --> 00:03:25,832 just in the fourth year of her reign, when she was very... a slip of a thing. 34 00:03:25,833 --> 00:03:29,233 Take her roughly behind the bike sheds. 35 00:03:29,234 --> 00:03:33,434 No... Or, indeed, invent the bicycle, and then invent the shed that... 36 00:03:34,535 --> 00:03:38,235 - Sell her tea towels door to door. - Kiss her. Kiss her on the mouth. 37 00:03:38,236 --> 00:03:39,436 - Quite the other. - Oh. 38 00:03:39,437 --> 00:03:41,037 Kiss her on the arse! 39 00:03:49,338 --> 00:03:52,038 Was that... Was that a request? Is that how you phrase it? 40 00:03:52,039 --> 00:03:55,539 - "Quite the other, if you don't mind." - Well, if you're a queen, you can have anything done, can't you, really? 41 00:03:55,540 --> 00:03:57,640 "You there! Kiss me on the... " "All right!" 42 00:03:58,041 --> 00:04:04,141 - As much as kissing someone is a friendly act, these were unfriendly acts. - Surely he didn't turn down her advances with knockers like this! 43 00:04:04,142 --> 00:04:06,042 - Oh, goodie. - Kicked her in the shins. 44 00:04:06,043 --> 00:04:10,343 - No. Three times in... in 1842... - Tried to murder her. - ...they tried to assassinate her. Tried to kill her. 45 00:04:10,344 --> 00:04:16,844 And there was one called Mr Bean who had a gun, and he filled it with wads of tobacco, which didn't really do much harm. 46 00:04:16,845 --> 00:04:24,645 Was he trying to give her cancer? I like the idea of Mr Bean trying to assassinate someone by, er, clumsiness. 47 00:04:25,746 --> 00:04:29,946 Just sit there making her a cup of tea, and it just... the whole house collapses. The palace falls down. 48 00:04:29,947 --> 00:04:32,847 Everywhere he goes, it's a sort of tornado of disaster, isn't it? 49 00:04:32,848 --> 00:04:36,148 - Mayhem. - I was in a remote Australian sheep station once, 50 00:04:36,149 --> 00:04:38,649 and the bloke went, [Australian accent] "Ey, you ever watch that Mr Bean?" 51 00:04:38,650 --> 00:04:41,850 And I went, "Yeah," and he said, [Australian accent] "Bloke's a bloody idiot!" 52 00:04:45,751 --> 00:04:47,351 - That's fabulous! - And then he goes, 53 00:04:47,352 --> 00:04:52,952 [Australian accent] "Yeah, he wouldn't last five minutes in the bush!" Well, no, clearly not. 54 00:04:52,953 --> 00:04:59,253 Well, there you are. They're all, rather, these, sort of, Carry On names. There was one foiled by a PC Trounce. 55 00:04:59,254 --> 00:05:01,854 - Hence the... Hence the name, after that. - Maybe. 56 00:05:01,855 --> 00:05:03,855 - Perhaps it was. He invented the trounce. - The trounce. 57 00:05:03,856 --> 00:05:08,356 "I trounce your assassination attempt with my trouncing, er... stick." 58 00:05:09,557 --> 00:05:14,157 Another assassin called John Francis was described by Prince Albert as "a thorough scamp". 59 00:05:15,058 --> 00:05:16,858 - A thorough... scamp. - A thorough scamp. 60 00:05:16,859 --> 00:05:20,059 What, so someone tried to assassinate his wife, and he said, "You're a scamp!" 61 00:05:20,060 --> 00:05:24,360 "You're a scamp!" A thorough scamp. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Tough. 62 00:05:24,361 --> 00:05:27,561 Seven years was the maximum for trying to assassinate the queen in those days. 63 00:05:27,562 --> 00:05:28,462 - Really? - Yeah. 64 00:05:28,463 --> 00:05:33,963 Er, the line "We are not amused" was reported in the notebooks of a spinster lady, 65 00:05:33,964 --> 00:05:38,364 published in 1919. But she had a childish sense of humour, in fact. Was amused by lots of things. 66 00:05:38,365 --> 00:05:42,865 - Yeah, but especially them little crowns. Like them. - She loved little crowns, didn't she? 67 00:05:42,866 --> 00:05:45,966 So anyway, yes. Queen Victoria took a rather dim view of John Bean, 68 00:05:45,967 --> 00:05:49,167 one of the many people who tried to assassinate her early in her reign. 69 00:05:49,168 --> 00:05:55,768 - What was Queen Victoria's... What was Victoria's secret? What was Victoria's deadly secret? - She was a... a man. 70 00:05:55,769 --> 00:05:59,869 - She had a deadly secret. No, well, she wasn't a man. - Did she keep a load of snooker balls in a sock? 71 00:06:01,770 --> 00:06:07,370 - Under there. "What happened to him?" "Nothing!" - It's a wonderful idea. 72 00:06:07,371 --> 00:06:10,771 Was she just, sort of, poisonous, or something? She killed someone? 73 00:06:10,772 --> 00:06:15,472 Well... indirectly. Not meaning to, of course. There was something about her that was... 74 00:06:15,473 --> 00:06:18,073 - ...not exactly infectious, but-- - Was she an alien? 75 00:06:18,674 --> 00:06:20,574 - She was a carrier. - A carrier of-- 76 00:06:20,575 --> 00:06:23,275 - Was it haemophilia? - She was a carrier of haemophilia. 77 00:06:23,276 --> 00:06:29,076 And so, infected every single royal house in Europe. All the royal houses of Europe have had haemophiliacs. 78 00:06:29,077 --> 00:06:33,177 Most of them had haemophiliac deaths. Her own son, Prince Leopold, died of haemophilia. 79 00:06:33,178 --> 00:06:38,178 Only women can carry it but can't be haemophiliac, under... except under very strange circumstances 80 00:06:38,179 --> 00:06:43,179 where their mother is a carrier and their father is a haemophiliac. But usually, it's the men in the family-- 81 00:06:43,180 --> 00:06:44,980 - Yeah, we like that. - Yeah! 82 00:06:45,881 --> 00:06:49,781 "My favorite illness. Number one. Haemophilia." 83 00:06:49,782 --> 00:06:54,982 Oh! It's a defective X-chromosome, in fact, that causes it. 84 00:06:54,983 --> 00:07:01,783 Her daughter, Alice, princess of Saxe-Coburg, had a daughter, Alexandra, who was the Tsarina of Russia. 85 00:07:01,784 --> 00:07:07,284 And many people believe it precipitated the Russian revolution, the fact that therefore her son, the Tsesarevich, Alexei, 86 00:07:07,285 --> 00:07:11,685 was, therefore, a haemophiliac. And that's what got Rasputin involved in the royal family, 87 00:07:11,686 --> 00:07:15,986 and that enraged so many people, that the force of the revolution gathered. 88 00:07:15,987 --> 00:07:21,287 So maybe, if Queen Victoria had not been a haemophiliac, there wouldn't have been a 1917 revolution. - Was he the lover of the Russian queen? 89 00:07:21,288 --> 00:07:27,188 - Oh, Ra Ra! Ra Ra Raspie! He... Well, they say he was! - "Russia's greatest love machine"! 90 00:07:27,189 --> 00:07:28,789 Certainly. 91 00:07:31,090 --> 00:07:36,690 - That's where I learned my history. - When we come, in many years time... When we come to our dotage, Series R, we'll cover Rasputin. 92 00:07:36,691 --> 00:07:40,991 But it was pretty extraordinary, his life. And his death was even more extraordinary, wasn't it? 93 00:07:40,992 --> 00:07:45,192 They poisoned him; they shot him; they drowned him in the lake; and he still wouldn't die. It was a very-- 94 00:07:45,193 --> 00:07:49,293 - Still singing that bloody song! - Still singing that song. Yeah. 95 00:07:49,294 --> 00:07:56,394 - And then eventually, the... the red light in his eye just flickered and went out. - That's it. Exactly. He was finally crushed. He was. 96 00:08:06,895 --> 00:08:11,595 - The Death of Rasputin, by Bill Bailey. - What's Bill doing? I can't move my head. 97 00:08:18,396 --> 00:08:19,896 Oh. 98 00:08:22,197 --> 00:08:26,097 You've got your own private cyborg show there. Very honoured. 99 00:08:26,098 --> 00:08:28,998 Actually, this... this collar is pushing up and starting to hurt my ears. 100 00:08:29,499 --> 00:08:31,899 It's pushing up; I'm going to have sore under-ears. 101 00:08:31,900 --> 00:08:33,800 - Yeah. - Your ears are very big, aren't they? 102 00:08:33,801 --> 00:08:37,701 They're showing off to their full majesty in that outfit, I have to say. 103 00:08:37,702 --> 00:08:39,502 - You're going bald. - Yeah... 104 00:08:42,003 --> 00:08:46,303 - Really, children. - I was trying to pay him a compliment without mentioning the-- 105 00:08:46,304 --> 00:08:50,604 How is that a compliment? "You've got big ears." I know I've got big ears! 106 00:08:50,605 --> 00:08:53,705 - You've got huge ears! - Yes! - You look like a pork butcher from the 1950s! 107 00:08:57,606 --> 00:09:00,306 Children, we must be of the Christmas spirit. Come on, now, remember? 108 00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:02,107 - He started it. - Remember the date! 109 00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:08,008 But one of the theories which has been put forward is the oddity of the fact that until her son died of haemophilia, 110 00:09:08,009 --> 00:09:11,909 there'd been no haemophilia in the Hanover family or her family at all. 111 00:09:11,910 --> 00:09:24,110 So either one of her parents had a 1-in-50,000 gene mutation, or she was the illegitimate daughter of a haemophiliac. So... 112 00:09:25,111 --> 00:09:28,811 - I'm looking forward to next week's Heat magazine! - Yeah! 113 00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:33,012 - Oh, yeah! - Absolutely. 114 00:09:33,913 --> 00:09:37,013 They're gonna go crazy with that little tidbit, aren't they? 115 00:09:38,414 --> 00:09:43,914 Yes. Queen Victoria was responsible for the fact that all the royal families of Europe carry the gene for haemophilia. 116 00:09:43,915 --> 00:09:50,615 Now, at last, you may think, in the "E" series, we finally come to a question that you've all been waiting for on "erotica". 117 00:09:50,616 --> 00:09:56,716 - Oh. - What kind of behaviour was forbidden in the Secret Museum of pornography? 118 00:09:56,717 --> 00:09:58,117 - Was it-- - Flash photography. 119 00:09:58,118 --> 00:10:00,118 - Flash photography! Very good. - Erm... 120 00:10:00,119 --> 00:10:02,419 Was it fisting? 121 00:10:04,820 --> 00:10:07,420 - Three innocent little words that somehow... - I'm sorry, your majesty. 122 00:10:07,421 --> 00:10:13,121 "Was it fisting?" Queen Victoria just said "Was it fisting?" 123 00:10:14,422 --> 00:10:17,122 The Queen would like to know, was it fisting? 124 00:10:17,822 --> 00:10:24,822 - From what I know of myself, Queen Victoria was well up for it, wasn't she? She was! She was! - She had about 28 children. 125 00:10:24,823 --> 00:10:32,023 She had a lot of children, and when she was a young girl, she was full of laughter and fun and loved dancing and music and was quite sportive, and, erm, yeah. 126 00:10:32,024 --> 00:10:38,024 She wrote saucy letters sometimes. I mean, not saucy, but, I mean, you know. She showed she had a twinkle in her eye occasionally, I suppose. 127 00:10:38,025 --> 00:10:40,625 Who's Frank Lampard looking at through that keyhole? 128 00:10:43,026 --> 00:10:50,626 - Is that how you view the Museum of Pornography? - Not... No, to be honest. - It's a tiny, tiny museum... fit into a keyhole. 129 00:10:51,027 --> 00:10:55,327 [as David Frost] "As we go through . . . the keyhole." 130 00:10:58,528 --> 00:11:01,528 He can't do many, but they're good! 131 00:11:02,729 --> 00:11:06,529 So, we come... to come back to the Museum of Pornography. To something that is forbidden-- 132 00:11:06,530 --> 00:11:08,030 - No school trips. - No. 133 00:11:08,031 --> 00:11:15,331 - Well... It was opened in, erm, Naples. - "You can't have your packed lunch near the dildos, kids." 134 00:11:17,132 --> 00:11:21,732 - It's gotta be something to do with Catholicism or the Mafia. - Not that, actually. What were they discovering... 135 00:11:21,733 --> 00:11:24,933 - ...'round about the early part of the 19th century near Naples? - Pompeii. - Pompeii. 136 00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:27,734 They were excavating Pompeii, and they discover... The first thing they... 137 00:11:27,735 --> 00:11:32,435 Almost everything they discovered about Pompeii was pornographic. The first thing they found was a great, er, 138 00:11:32,436 --> 00:11:37,336 statue of Pan shagging a goat, and then the whole thing is festooned with... - Filth. 139 00:11:37,337 --> 00:11:39,737 - ...filthy graffiti, disgusting, erm... - Absolute filth. 140 00:11:39,738 --> 00:11:43,238 You know... Graffiti just saying, about, "Ericus has the... the biggest knob in Pompeii," 141 00:11:43,239 --> 00:11:46,339 and then someone else writes underneath, "It's not as big as my brother's", and someone else... 142 00:11:46,340 --> 00:11:51,040 - It was just... every... A clearly sexually-vibrant place. - Isn't not as crude in Latin, is it? 143 00:11:51,041 --> 00:11:56,541 - Somehow not. - It doesn't make you go, "Oh, grow up." Someone's just written, "WANK". 144 00:11:56,642 --> 00:11:59,442 - Or... Or they use... - "Wankacetum!" 145 00:11:59,443 --> 00:12:06,543 Yeah! Yeah, so they got all the sexy stuff, as they saw it, and they put it into a museum of pornography. 146 00:12:06,944 --> 00:12:10,944 Have a look at some of the most lovely buttocks ever committed to marble. 147 00:12:10,945 --> 00:12:14,445 It's known as the Venus Kallipygos. The Venus with the beautiful bottom. 148 00:12:14,446 --> 00:12:20,246 That is a very nice arse. Even I, who am no expert on the female anatomy, would say that is a very beautiful bottom. 149 00:12:20,247 --> 00:12:25,747 She's looking around... "Are you gonna... You are gonna, like, stick... put a whole lot of clothes there, aren't you, when you finish this?" 150 00:12:26,748 --> 00:12:30,848 So has she come out of the toilet and not noticed her skirt's caught in her ear? 151 00:12:35,249 --> 00:12:41,249 According to Dr David Holmes, who is a psychology lecturer at Manchester Metropolitan University, there is a formula to describe the beauty of a bottom. 152 00:12:41,250 --> 00:12:47,350 - Is there? - Yeah. It is S plus C, times B plus F, all over T minus V. 153 00:12:47,351 --> 00:12:50,351 That mean "nice arse; shame about your face"? 154 00:12:52,352 --> 00:13:01,652 S stands for "overall shape", C is "circularity", B is "bounciness", F is "firmness", er... 155 00:13:01,653 --> 00:13:07,453 - ...T is "skin texture", and V is the ratio of hips... hips to waist. - He sounds like a right old perv, doesn't he? 156 00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:15,654 - He does a bit. - "I've just been noticing your bottom, and I've done some sums. Er... I have to say that, er..." 157 00:13:15,655 --> 00:13:22,355 - He probably cracked the formula! - "Absolutely. It's perfect." 158 00:13:22,756 --> 00:13:27,956 Well, there you are, and that's bottoms for you. And... And, er, what you weren't allowed to do you haven't told me yet. 159 00:13:27,957 --> 00:13:30,857 - Oh. - Comment on the... Become aroused. 160 00:13:30,858 --> 00:13:33,458 - Well, arousal was included. - Talk. Say anything. 161 00:13:33,459 --> 00:13:34,659 - Laugh. - Laugh. 162 00:13:34,660 --> 00:13:37,560 Laugh. If you laughed, you were ejected. That's the point. 163 00:13:37,561 --> 00:13:44,861 - You were supposed to take a serious, scholarly appreciation of this as antiquity. And if you either laughed or became aroused-- - [Italian accent] No laughink! 164 00:13:44,862 --> 00:13:46,562 - Yeah! - [Italian accent] No laughink! 165 00:13:46,563 --> 00:13:52,063 [Italian accent] Laughink! "And the big e-stiff cock is-a not funny! Is not funny, all right?" 166 00:13:52,064 --> 00:13:55,664 [Italian accent] You! You smiling: You gonna laugh now? No! 167 00:13:56,065 --> 00:13:59,465 Anyway. Erm... Even today, you cannot go to that... 168 00:13:59,466 --> 00:14:03,266 It was bricked up in the late 19th century, the... the Pornography Museum part of... 169 00:14:03,267 --> 00:14:07,767 It's still there in Naples, but you have to get a special permit, and you can only go in with a guide. 170 00:14:07,768 --> 00:14:14,368 But the fact is, anyway, to return to our theme, that the Secret Museum of erotica contained all the smutty stuff from Pompeii, 171 00:14:14,369 --> 00:14:16,969 but you weren't allowed to laugh at it. That's the point. 172 00:14:16,970 --> 00:14:23,470 So, erm, why was it easier to put your boots on in the dark between 1600 and 1800? 173 00:14:23,471 --> 00:14:27,871 Well, people's eyes were better in the dark, weren't they? There wasn't so much electric lights. 174 00:14:27,872 --> 00:14:32,272 People were virtually like owls then; big eyes. We were a lot shorter then, but massive eyes. 175 00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:39,073 It was easier to put your boots on in 1600 than it was in 1400, though. Why is that? 176 00:14:39,074 --> 00:14:41,774 - Zips. - No. 177 00:14:42,575 --> 00:14:46,275 Was there a big drop in boot thieves around 1600? 178 00:14:46,276 --> 00:14:47,376 - No. - They were luminous! 179 00:14:47,377 --> 00:14:50,077 - Not luminous. - Were they both the same, so-- 180 00:14:50,078 --> 00:14:52,878 They were both the same! Well done, Jo Brand. That's exactly it. 181 00:14:52,879 --> 00:14:58,479 There were no lefts or rights for those 200 years, so it didn't matter which one you picked up; you could just put your boots on. 182 00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:04,180 Before that, you had lefts and rights in boots, and then after that, you had lefts and rights, as we do to this day. 183 00:15:04,181 --> 00:15:10,581 - So what prompted the sudden, er... - Well, it's heels, you see, because they couldn't really make heeled boots... 184 00:15:10,582 --> 00:15:14,882 - Ah. - ...in... in a left and right shape. It was just too difficult. But that's the reason. 185 00:15:14,883 --> 00:15:19,083 So in the dark, you could just shove on whichever boot came first and know that it wouldn't matter. 186 00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:23,684 Did it go... Did it extend to the whole... the whole of life? Left and right? 187 00:15:23,685 --> 00:15:28,185 There was no left and right in anything. They just abandoned the notion of left and right-- 188 00:15:28,186 --> 00:15:31,686 for 200 years. "Where's it?" "Up there! I don't know." 189 00:15:33,387 --> 00:15:38,787 Yeah. We have an expert who'd been telling us about this, who comes from the Northampton Museum and Art Gallery, 190 00:15:38,788 --> 00:15:44,088 and Rebecca Shawcross is the "Shoe Heritage Officer". She gave us all this information. 191 00:15:44,089 --> 00:15:47,189 - She's an officer of shoe heritage? - "Shoe heritage officer." 192 00:15:47,190 --> 00:15:51,890 - Does she get to carry a gun? - I hope so. I would imagine. I'm sure she would! 193 00:15:51,891 --> 00:15:55,891 - Keswick Pencil Museum. That's... That's pretty good. - Is it in Keswick? 194 00:15:56,992 --> 00:16:02,792 - 2 Bs, and 2 Hs, and everything in-between. - Exactly. And there's places you can draw... Oh, it's brilliant. 195 00:16:04,593 --> 00:16:06,893 In Reykjavik, there's a penis museum. 196 00:16:07,894 --> 00:16:11,894 - There is! I'm not making it up. - Whose penises do they have in there, then? 197 00:16:11,895 --> 00:16:15,395 - I've not visited it. - A blue whale? - Yeah. 198 00:16:15,396 --> 00:16:19,596 - Perhaps a blue whale's penis. - Yeah. It's different species, exactly. That's the point. - Yeah. 199 00:16:19,597 --> 00:16:26,797 - I wonder if Björk's got anything to do with it. - She does the audio commentary as you're going around. 200 00:16:34,098 --> 00:16:37,398 Then you see a penis, and she goes: - 201 00:16:41,799 --> 00:16:43,499 - Well, erm, yeah. - Gift shop would be good. 202 00:16:43,500 --> 00:16:49,300 For 200 years... For 200 years, and for 200 years only, really, 203 00:16:49,301 --> 00:16:53,301 left boots were exactly the same as right boots. Now, what are these? 204 00:16:53,702 --> 00:16:56,802 - Hm? What are they? - Oh, these are-- 205 00:16:56,803 --> 00:16:58,303 - Elephant shoes. - Pop star Daleks? 206 00:16:58,304 --> 00:16:59,204 Wait a minute! Wait a minute! 207 00:16:59,205 --> 00:17:00,805 - Ahh! - Ah! 208 00:17:04,406 --> 00:17:07,706 You've got the elephant. Absolutely right. 209 00:17:07,707 --> 00:17:09,607 Bloody hell, I said "elephant", and I didn't wave my elephant! 210 00:17:09,608 --> 00:17:14,208 - I can never get it right! - Yeah, I think we can be kind. As it's Christmas. We'll be kind to Tiny Tim. 211 00:17:15,209 --> 00:17:17,409 Is that just after the elephant was frightened? 212 00:17:19,110 --> 00:17:20,810 Jumped out of its boots! 213 00:17:21,511 --> 00:17:23,111 Why do you make shoes for an elephant? 214 00:17:23,112 --> 00:17:27,912 Because they're very sensitive in captivity. Elephants--especially elephants that work in circus 215 00:17:27,913 --> 00:17:33,013 and things like that--they can get terrible abrasions on the soft underpart. They have very soft areas under their... If... 216 00:17:33,014 --> 00:17:36,214 - But I've never, ever seen an elephant with any shoes on. Have you? - Would you like to? 217 00:17:36,215 --> 00:17:37,515 - Yeah. - I would love to. 218 00:17:37,516 --> 00:17:39,816 - I will show you. There is in fact... - I'd love it if one came in. 219 00:17:39,817 --> 00:17:41,617 - Aww. - Jo, how could you turn that down? 220 00:17:41,618 --> 00:17:47,018 - Yeah! - Would they be difficult to put on? Would the elephant be quite, you know-- 221 00:17:47,019 --> 00:17:51,319 They would have been much easier to put on between 1400 and 1600. 222 00:17:57,020 --> 00:18:03,920 They... They were tailor-made. Each one was made specifically for each particular foot of each particular elephant. There you are. 223 00:18:03,921 --> 00:18:10,321 And now, joy to the world! 'Tis the season to deck the halls with General Ignorance, so fingers on buzzers if you please. 224 00:18:10,322 --> 00:18:15,322 Let's start with a cover-up. Why did Victorians put covers on the legs of pianos? 225 00:18:15,323 --> 00:18:19,023 ["The Holly and the Ivy"] Jo got there first. 226 00:18:19,024 --> 00:18:22,024 Because they thought they were too rude. [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] 227 00:18:22,025 --> 00:18:27,025 Almost... Almost the words we had in mind. Exactly. 228 00:18:27,026 --> 00:18:29,726 To... To... In case they were warped. 229 00:18:29,727 --> 00:18:32,227 Kind of that. "To protect them" is the answer. This... 230 00:18:32,228 --> 00:18:36,228 This idea that Victorians were prudish about piano legs or furniture legs is... 231 00:18:36,229 --> 00:18:41,329 is actually nonsense. What's quite interesting about the whole piano leg thing is that Victorians laughed at Americans, 232 00:18:41,330 --> 00:18:47,230 'cause they thought Americans were prudish, and that it was an American thing to cover piano legs out of modesty. 233 00:18:47,231 --> 00:18:51,831 'Cause Americans are extremely puritanical. Well, they were founded by Puritans, in some ways, the culture, wasn't it? - Yes. 234 00:18:51,832 --> 00:18:56,232 I mean, they changed words like "titbit" to "tidbit", 'cause it's... you know... 235 00:18:56,233 --> 00:18:58,933 - "Bottom" to "fanny", strangely! - Yeah. 236 00:19:00,334 --> 00:19:03,934 No, the point is that Victorians never covered their piano legs at all. 237 00:19:03,935 --> 00:19:06,535 - Noo. - It was just to protect them from being damaged, if they did. 238 00:19:06,536 --> 00:19:12,036 Why did the Victorians legislate against male homosexuality, but not against lesbian-- 239 00:19:12,037 --> 00:19:24,637 Oh, Christ. Oh, whoa! That's, er... Moving on. Moving on. 240 00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:30,038 Why... Why... Oh, dear. Why... Why didn't they legislate against lesbianism in the same-- 241 00:19:30,039 --> 00:19:33,339 ["The Holly and the Ivy"] Yes. 242 00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:39,240 'Cause I, Queen Victoria, simply didn't believe that women got up to such scurrilous activities. 243 00:19:39,241 --> 00:19:43,541 [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] 244 00:19:43,542 --> 00:19:48,042 Yes, it's... You're really going right for them, aren't you? 245 00:19:48,043 --> 00:19:50,943 - How did you get that one? - Merry Christmas to me! 246 00:19:51,644 --> 00:19:57,244 No, the fact is, there's no truth in that odd rumour that Queen Victoria had them cut out any reference to lesbianism 247 00:19:57,245 --> 00:20:03,645 because she thought it didn't exist. Even if she questioned the law, she would have sparked, virtually, a revolution. 248 00:20:03,646 --> 00:20:09,446 She had no power whatsoever to have any influence on any legislation. It would have been completely unthinkable. 249 00:20:09,447 --> 00:20:15,547 Do you know the name of the law? It was in 1885. It was called the Labouchère Amendment. 250 00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:23,148 The first famous case of anybody being sentenced under the Labouchère Amendment was Oscar Wilde, who got two years' hard labour. 251 00:20:23,149 --> 00:20:28,949 And in fact, the judge said that, "You have been the center of a circle of young men; it is impossible to doubt it. 252 00:20:28,950 --> 00:20:34,450 This is the worst case I have ever tried. It is my duty to sentence you to two years at hard labour, 253 00:20:34,451 --> 00:20:39,351 the maximum the law allows: In my opinion, nothing like enough." And a week earlier-- 254 00:20:39,352 --> 00:20:43,952 'cause he said this was the worst case he had ever tried... A week earlier, he'd tried a case of child murder. 255 00:20:44,153 --> 00:20:46,553 - Right. - That's the kind of attitude they had there. 256 00:20:46,554 --> 00:20:52,954 - Would you say he was a closet? - He may have been! But it was an extraordinary thing, though. 257 00:20:52,955 --> 00:20:57,855 Of course, the Wilde case obviously precipitated an immense change in British cultural life, in many ways. 258 00:20:57,856 --> 00:21:02,856 Soldiers, like your good self, used to walk arm-in-arm in Hyde Park. They had done for a hundred years. 259 00:21:02,857 --> 00:21:06,957 - Yeah. - Men would walk arm-in-arm, or arm linked, as they do on the continent, still. 260 00:21:06,958 --> 00:21:12,258 And as soon as the Wilde case came up, everyone... Just... Men stood, exactly. Never touching each other. 261 00:21:12,259 --> 00:21:14,659 - There was a... It was a whole different way of behaving-- - That's 'cause they... 262 00:21:14,660 --> 00:21:24,660 That's because the bloke used to nick my medals. I used to have hundreds of medals; only have one. And that was from a Quality Street tin. 263 00:21:26,461 --> 00:21:32,961 Legislation against lesbianism seems never to have been considered. Certainly, Victoria would have had no power to block it, had it been. 264 00:21:32,962 --> 00:21:36,562 Er, you would have noticed, that there is that rare thing that we're enjoying at the moment, 265 00:21:36,563 --> 00:21:40,763 and that's a Christmas show that hardly mentions Christmas. We've had the odd mention of it, but... 266 00:21:40,764 --> 00:21:44,264 I want to know what Winterval is. Does "Winterval" mean anything to you? Have you ever... 267 00:21:44,265 --> 00:21:47,665 ["The Holly and the Ivy"] - Yes. 268 00:21:47,666 --> 00:21:50,366 Political correctness gone mad! [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] 269 00:21:50,367 --> 00:21:56,767 Oh, I can't believe it! I do not believe it! Jo Brand! 270 00:21:59,368 --> 00:22:03,068 It's all getting a bit weird now. Jo's becoming psychic. 271 00:22:03,069 --> 00:22:05,769 Is there a special award, if you get every one of these... 272 00:22:05,770 --> 00:22:08,770 - There should be! - Then they're all completely null and void! 273 00:22:08,771 --> 00:22:12,371 But, er, no. There is... It's this typically British thing. 274 00:22:12,372 --> 00:22:15,972 I guarantee, reading a newspaper today, 'round about Christmas, 275 00:22:15,973 --> 00:22:22,973 there will be some tiresome old fart who will have written about, "Yeah, there aren't any more office parties. 276 00:22:22,974 --> 00:22:26,874 And for political correctness reasons, there are no decorations in offices. And... 277 00:22:26,875 --> 00:22:31,675 And they're calling it 'Winterval' so as not to offend minority religions." It's absolute bollocks. 278 00:22:31,676 --> 00:22:38,776 It just isn't true. 95% of all offices are decorated. There are more office parties year-on-year, every year. 279 00:22:38,777 --> 00:22:41,977 And 'Winterval' was simply a commercial, er, campaign-- 280 00:22:41,978 --> 00:22:46,278 - Bloody hell! - What was that? - Yeah! There it goes. 281 00:22:46,279 --> 00:22:51,779 - Something just ran across there really fast. - It was a... I think it was a velociraptor! 282 00:22:54,980 --> 00:22:58,280 Erm... Well, that's the point. It was a promotional campaign. It was nothing to do with-- 283 00:22:58,281 --> 00:23:00,681 - I remember the Birmingham City Council. - Birmingham City Council? 284 00:23:00,682 --> 00:23:06,182 My brother's was on the phone to me; he's going, "Yeah, bloody Birmingham City Council, and 'Winterval', all PC gone mad..." 285 00:23:06,183 --> 00:23:10,883 And it's all nonsense. It wasn't anything to do with that. It was a campaign for local businesses. 286 00:23:10,884 --> 00:23:14,584 It was just a thing when, you know, from November to January-- 287 00:23:14,585 --> 00:23:18,285 - There it is! - I don't see it. 288 00:23:18,286 --> 00:23:20,286 You're very upset by that, aren't you? 289 00:23:20,287 --> 00:23:31,487 It's... It's running all the way around the building! It's just going across... He'll be back in a minute. 290 00:23:33,588 --> 00:23:37,988 - Oh, dear. So... - Just... we'll wait for it. - Okay. 291 00:23:39,189 --> 00:23:40,789 Could be ages. 292 00:23:41,590 --> 00:23:44,890 I don't want to look at that one now, 'cause I'll miss it. 293 00:23:51,891 --> 00:23:55,891 - Forget it! He's not coming. - Don't change channels. - Hey! 294 00:24:03,392 --> 00:24:06,592 He's all the way out, on the South Bank... 295 00:24:08,093 --> 00:24:12,993 You know, there'll be... there'll be people watching this going, "Christmas ain't what it used to be, I'll tell you that! 296 00:24:12,994 --> 00:24:20,594 We used to have the Morecambe and Wise show! Angela Rippon tap dancing! Now we're watching a strange animal scurrying away!" 297 00:24:20,595 --> 00:24:23,095 - Ahh, it's the little things in life. - It is. 298 00:24:23,896 --> 00:24:28,496 The point is, despite what you're probably going to read in your newspapers, written by some whorey-borey old... 299 00:24:28,497 --> 00:24:31,597 It's your fault for reading the Daily Mail! Let me put it that way. 300 00:24:33,598 --> 00:24:41,298 Yeah. Contrary... Contrary to stories carried in the papers every year at Christmas, 301 00:24:41,299 --> 00:24:45,499 Winterval is not a PC attack on Christmas Day by the City of Birmingham or anyone else. 302 00:24:45,500 --> 00:24:51,600 It... It was simply a promotional campaign that they ran for one year... eleven years ago! 303 00:24:51,601 --> 00:24:54,801 Lastly. Not so much a question as a piece of solid, practical advice. 304 00:24:54,802 --> 00:25:00,202 What's the best way to stop your children peeking at their presents before Christmas Day? 305 00:25:00,203 --> 00:25:04,003 ["The Holly and the Ivy"] Yes, Jo Brand. 306 00:25:04,604 --> 00:25:09,004 - Don't get 'em any. - Ah! 307 00:25:10,305 --> 00:25:11,405 - I got it. - Yeah. 308 00:25:11,406 --> 00:25:18,006 You do what I do, which is buy all your presents on Christmas Eve. From a petrol station. 309 00:25:20,407 --> 00:25:25,707 - You really are the spirit of Christmas, aren't you. - Yeah. And everyone's face when you open the barbecue fuel. 310 00:25:27,008 --> 00:25:31,608 Ooh! Special... Haribo! Lovely. 311 00:25:31,609 --> 00:25:32,709 Blind them. 312 00:25:32,710 --> 00:25:35,410 Blind them? Well, that would certainly do it. 313 00:25:36,411 --> 00:25:40,311 - Yeah. A little extreme, perhaps. - When they climb up to the top of the wardrobe, just... 314 00:25:40,312 --> 00:25:42,712 - Right. - Bury them in the garden? 315 00:25:42,713 --> 00:25:47,113 Well, this is a story from last year. In Rock Hill, in South Carolina. 316 00:25:47,114 --> 00:25:50,814 A mother convinced the Rock Hill police to arrest her twelve-year-old son, 317 00:25:50,815 --> 00:25:56,515 er, after he unwrapped a Christmas present early. The police came to the house, and he was arrested. 318 00:25:56,516 --> 00:26:01,016 - "Right, that's it. I'm callin' the po-lice." - "--the police." Exactly that! 319 00:26:01,017 --> 00:26:05,117 - Was it a gun he'd unwrapped? - I think... I think we may understand a little more about the family 320 00:26:05,118 --> 00:26:09,818 when I say he was a twelve-year-old son; the mother was 27 years old, which means... 321 00:26:09,819 --> 00:26:13,119 - Oh, my God. - ...she must have been fifteen, I think, when she... ? - Fourteen in conception. 322 00:26:13,120 --> 00:26:18,020 And it was a Nintendo Game Boy Advance that was under the tree, and his great-grandmother 323 00:26:18,021 --> 00:26:25,921 --who was only 63--erm, specifically told him not to open this particular popular handheld game console. And, erm-- 324 00:26:25,922 --> 00:26:28,822 - How old is the boy's wife? - Yeah. Yeah. 325 00:26:30,823 --> 00:26:33,723 Go and help his wife, who was in labour! 326 00:26:36,324 --> 00:26:40,224 Anyway, "He took it without permission. He wanted it; he just took it," said the great-grandmother, 327 00:26:40,225 --> 00:26:45,325 and so they called the police. Er, he was released the same day, but apparently, "he showed no remorse". 328 00:26:47,126 --> 00:26:51,726 I'd love to be around their Christmas dinner. What a... What a happy day that would be! 329 00:26:51,727 --> 00:26:58,227 "Where's the cranberry? You forgot the cranberry." [American southern accent] "I'm dialin' 911! You bitch! Why... 330 00:27:00,728 --> 00:27:04,328 Oh, dear. Well. My goodness. Erm, that seems to be it. 331 00:27:04,329 --> 00:27:08,429 So, speaking of remorse, and not showing it... it's time for the scores. 332 00:27:08,430 --> 00:27:15,230 Which tonight, I think, er, should be in old money. So, in last place--it can come as no surprise... 333 00:27:18,031 --> 00:27:22,831 With minus thirty-three farthings... Jo Brand! 334 00:27:27,032 --> 00:27:33,732 And in third place, with minus eight pennies, Sean Lock! 335 00:27:38,033 --> 00:27:43,533 In second place, with eight bob, Bill Bailey! 336 00:27:49,534 --> 00:28:01,834 Do my eyes deceive me, ladies and gentlemen? It can only be Christmas. Our winner, with a grand sum of ten guineas, Alan Davies! Whoa! 337 00:28:08,535 --> 00:28:14,235 So, the wind of change blowing about our ears; it's time to pull down the flag for the last time in this series, 338 00:28:14,236 --> 00:28:22,136 and to say good night from Mister Bailey, Master Lock, Miss Brand, my rascal Davies, my humble and obedient self, 339 00:28:22,137 --> 00:28:30,537 and from the show on which the sun never sets. Very happy Christmas from me, and good night. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net