1 00:00:00,800 --> 00:00:06,500 Well, now, young lad, eh? What would a young shaver like you want for Christmas? 2 00:00:06,501 --> 00:00:08,401 Tell me first: have you been good? 3 00:00:08,402 --> 00:00:09,702 - Yes. - You have? 4 00:00:09,703 --> 00:00:12,103 - Yes. - Then what would you like? 5 00:00:12,104 --> 00:00:14,404 - QI compilation show, please. - What's that you say? 6 00:00:15,005 --> 00:00:17,205 A QI... compilation... show. 7 00:00:17,206 --> 00:00:23,306 Oh, a QI compilation show! Ho ho ho! You're not the first to ask for that, you know. 8 00:00:23,307 --> 00:00:28,307 Oh, yes, I think we can manage that. No question. [laughs manically] 9 00:01:00,408 --> 00:01:05,508 Now, remember, what you have to do is show me the proper Italian way to eat spaghetti. You can use any of the things... 10 00:01:05,509 --> 00:01:08,409 - Phill is doing very well. - Isn't it... Isn't it... 11 00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:11,310 - No, you chomp in. - Like that, isn't it? Against the side of the plate, and then... 12 00:01:11,311 --> 00:01:16,511 - Exactly. Twist it round. Don't... - Oh! Oh, Johnny Vegas. 13 00:01:17,212 --> 00:01:21,512 - Oh! - Those are some mad skills, Johnny! 14 00:01:25,413 --> 00:01:27,413 - My jaw comes apart! - Can I just... 15 00:01:28,114 --> 00:01:30,814 Can I just say, this is the best quiz I've ever been on! 16 00:01:33,215 --> 00:01:36,315 - And how are you eating yours, Alan? - You want to see me with ostrich eggs! 17 00:01:36,316 --> 00:01:40,516 - By hand. - Do you know, the thing is, Alan gets 20 points, 18 00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:46,117 - ...because that's how Neapolitans eat spaghetti! They lean back and drop it into their mouths by hand! - That's not fair! 19 00:01:46,118 --> 00:01:49,018 - That's not fair: Alan thinks mashed potatoes are finger food. - Yeah. 20 00:01:51,019 --> 00:01:54,419 - Yeah. - Parmesan, please. 21 00:01:55,820 --> 00:01:58,820 - I'll offer you parmesan. - Parmesan's a weird food, 'cause it tastes delicious; 22 00:01:58,821 --> 00:02:03,021 smells like the gym socks of, er, a child with some sort of glandular problem. 23 00:02:04,022 --> 00:02:06,422 I find that it's actually the other way around! 24 00:02:11,423 --> 00:02:16,923 You know, I never buy, you know, pre-packaged... from the, erm... 25 00:02:16,924 --> 00:02:19,424 - From the shop. - From the places that sell foods. 26 00:02:19,425 --> 00:02:23,025 - From the spaghetti seller? - Yeah. I buy it off people in the street. 27 00:02:23,026 --> 00:02:27,226 - Do you? - They tell me it's original... oregiginano. 28 00:02:28,727 --> 00:02:31,427 - Lovely. - And they dangle food over me, and they dance around, 29 00:02:31,428 --> 00:02:35,528 and they go, "Look, a bloke with a house, and we get to play games with his mind." 30 00:02:36,729 --> 00:02:44,529 What? Brilliant. Another round of applause, I think. 31 00:02:48,330 --> 00:02:52,830 Now, cast your eyes over these little things. 32 00:02:52,831 --> 00:02:58,931 See what you can tell me about them. I'd like to know how you think they could help you cross the Pacific Ocean. 33 00:02:58,932 --> 00:03:03,232 - Are they like a very early credit card? - No, they're not. 34 00:03:03,233 --> 00:03:06,233 - Is it a... rudimentary... - Some sort of star map. 35 00:03:06,234 --> 00:03:11,334 You're on the right lines. It's not a star map, though, although knowledge of the stars would certainly be combined with this. 36 00:03:11,335 --> 00:03:13,135 - Is it a dream catcher? - Dream catcher. Yeah. 37 00:03:13,136 --> 00:03:17,436 - It's not. You can use your scrotums. It would help. - Wet dream catcher! 38 00:03:25,037 --> 00:03:29,037 Euugh! Eurgh! That's disgusting! 39 00:03:29,038 --> 00:03:35,138 - Polynesian and Micronesians in the south seas of the Pacific. They use them for navigating. - Right. You put it-- 40 00:03:35,139 --> 00:03:40,239 - On the horizon... The sun... the moon... - Actually, you want to turn it 90?. 41 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:42,740 - Like... that? - Like that? 42 00:03:44,041 --> 00:03:48,141 About another axis! Yeah. 43 00:03:48,142 --> 00:03:51,842 - Ah! - And look down... Islands in the sea... 44 00:03:52,143 --> 00:03:57,443 The way the sea flows pasts them creates a pattern of waves, so that even if the islands are out of sight, 45 00:03:57,444 --> 00:04:03,644 and you know the wave patterns well enough, you can tell, by the way the water swirls, where each island is, 46 00:04:03,645 --> 00:04:11,145 and you can actually navigate. It's a map of waves, and you use your scrotum by getting out of the boat 47 00:04:11,646 --> 00:04:14,746 and feeling the swell of the water, and the scrotum is the most sensitive part. 48 00:04:14,747 --> 00:04:17,647 - So it's-- - It feels the way the water swells. 49 00:04:19,248 --> 00:04:21,948 - It's quite gender-specific, then, this thing! - Yes! 50 00:04:22,449 --> 00:04:27,849 You might... You might say it's a new... gives a new meaning to "ball bearings"! Erm... 51 00:04:27,850 --> 00:04:30,450 Could women do it with their... with their breasts, though? Could they do it? 52 00:04:30,451 --> 00:04:34,551 - I should imagine they probably could, but I suspect-- - Well, I think it's very important that we find out! 53 00:04:38,552 --> 00:04:43,652 - You're the man to do it, Davies! I'm going to send you out into-- - Come on, ladies! Tell us where the waves are going! 54 00:04:45,053 --> 00:04:47,353 - "Yes, I'm, er..." - It's certainly chilly in there, isn't it? 55 00:04:50,054 --> 00:04:53,354 - Dear me! - Actually, I don't care where we're going, really. 56 00:04:54,955 --> 00:04:57,355 - We'll just stay here, shall we? - We'll just stay here for a few days. 57 00:04:58,056 --> 00:05:01,856 Take in the sights. What do you think, Kate? "Okay!" 58 00:05:03,657 --> 00:05:07,557 Now, what's the biggest Banana Republic in Europe? 59 00:05:08,358 --> 00:05:10,358 There's an elephant in the room! 60 00:05:10,859 --> 00:05:13,159 How is an elephant connected to a Banana Republic in Europe? 61 00:05:13,460 --> 00:05:16,160 Well, I dunno. Elephants like bananas... 62 00:05:18,261 --> 00:05:20,561 - I fear... - It's the only thing I could come up with. 63 00:05:20,562 --> 00:05:21,762 Iceland! 64 00:05:23,463 --> 00:05:24,663 - Iceland? - Iceland. 65 00:05:24,664 --> 00:05:26,964 - Ah, the "Elephant nation". - They go mad for 'em. 66 00:05:26,965 --> 00:05:32,665 I... Volcanos, covered in elephants, guzzling... Oh. No wonder that Björk's weird! 67 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:36,366 - Growing up around all them elephants, eating... - Phill. Phill. Phill Jupitus. 68 00:05:36,367 --> 00:05:41,967 This is... You've put me in a really weird position here. Because there are no elephants involved... 69 00:05:42,268 --> 00:05:47,468 but the largest banana-producing country in Europe... is Iceland! 70 00:05:47,469 --> 00:05:55,669 - Come on! - That's extraordinary! Absolutely remarkable. 71 00:05:55,670 --> 00:05:58,870 - Is it to do with the thermal-- - The geothermal heat, yeah, exactly. 72 00:05:58,871 --> 00:06:03,171 - They can grow a lot of bananas. And they grow more bananas than anywhere else in Europe. - I withdraw my pachyderm. 73 00:06:03,172 --> 00:06:07,972 - Yes! You gain a point. You've taken a few forward and one or two back. - Some... Some go, some back. 74 00:06:07,973 --> 00:06:13,973 Exactly, but it's an inspired guess, 'cause one wouldn't have thought Iceland was home of the banana, anyway. 75 00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:17,474 Which European country is the largest exporter of bananas? 76 00:06:17,975 --> 00:06:20,975 It's... the Dutch. 77 00:06:20,976 --> 00:06:29,576 Noo... There's a country in Europe that buys the entire banana crop of Belize every year and sells it on to the rest of Europe. 78 00:06:29,577 --> 00:06:30,377 - Austria. - It's Ireland! 79 00:06:30,378 --> 00:06:32,578 - Ireland! - Ireland? 80 00:06:32,579 --> 00:06:37,279 The biggest exporter of bananas in Europe! You buy the whole crop of... Not you, personally. 81 00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:42,380 Of course not! I also don't remember this ever going to a vote, er... 82 00:06:43,081 --> 00:06:45,781 It's a multi-national private company. I don't think every... 83 00:06:45,782 --> 00:06:48,282 - You're not totally nationalised. - Yeah, Fyffes's a... Fyffes's a really famous banana company in Ireland-- 84 00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:52,883 --and now that you mention it, I was always confused that we had a very famous banana company in Ireland, er... 85 00:06:53,884 --> 00:06:57,084 'Cause the Dutch is, er, Geest, pronounced... er, spelled "Gee-st", isn't it, 86 00:06:57,085 --> 00:06:59,985 but that's... that's their big one, but Fife's even bigger, I think! 87 00:06:59,986 --> 00:07:04,086 But wow! They should tell us this in school! We would be so proud! 88 00:07:04,087 --> 00:07:09,987 - I'm very touched that you're so proud of your country. - My step-grandad worked at Stratford Fruit and Veg Market, 89 00:07:09,988 --> 00:07:17,688 and he used to do very long shifts, and sometimes, it was quite cold, and he'd stay there all night, 90 00:07:17,689 --> 00:07:20,989 and he would sleep in with the bananas, 'cause it was warm. 91 00:07:20,990 --> 00:07:23,890 - Oh! - And he told me that story, and I thought, 92 00:07:23,891 --> 00:07:29,891 "This sounds like a hellish existence," and he... then he said to me, "The unions put a stop to that!" 93 00:07:35,692 --> 00:07:42,292 I like the expression "sleep in with the bananas"! It implies that the bananas are asleep as well. 94 00:07:43,593 --> 00:07:47,493 - Nothing nicer than being woken up by a friendly banana! - Gently-- 95 00:07:48,094 --> 00:07:49,994 - Well, quite! - That's why there's-- 96 00:07:49,995 --> 00:07:57,995 Or in... in some sort of Belizan Godfather movie where they go: - "He's sleeping with the bananas tonight!" 97 00:07:59,596 --> 00:08:02,996 - What's the biggest banknote the Bank of England prints? Do you know? - That one. 98 00:08:02,997 --> 00:08:06,497 No, the... I should say "the highest denomination"! 99 00:08:06,498 --> 00:08:12,298 - The highest denomination. - The... Isn't there a £100 note that no one's ever seen? Never used? - Oh, but we can go a bit higher than that. 100 00:08:12,299 --> 00:08:14,299 - 50,000. - Oh, bigger than that. 101 00:08:14,300 --> 00:08:15,000 - A million. - Squillion! 102 00:08:15,001 --> 00:08:15,901 Bigger than a million. 103 00:08:15,902 --> 00:08:18,502 Two million, three million, four million, five million, fifty million, a hundred million... 104 00:08:18,503 --> 00:08:20,203 - A hundred million is the right answer! - A hundred million! 105 00:08:20,204 --> 00:08:24,404 Yes. There are 40 one hundred million pound notes in the Bank of England. 106 00:08:24,405 --> 00:08:27,505 - Oh, what a fantastic... - And they're all owned by Elton John. - Get into a taxi... 107 00:08:27,506 --> 00:08:34,306 and--. "I can't break this up!" "Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I think you'll find it's legal tender!" 108 00:08:34,307 --> 00:08:39,707 - Well, that's-- - "No tip for you! And I've got some... and I've got a £50,000 note as a tip!" 109 00:08:40,908 --> 00:08:42,708 - It's known-- - I've got one of them, actually. - Have you got one? 110 00:08:42,709 --> 00:08:46,709 I did an extra shift in the Golden Egg in 1972. 111 00:08:47,810 --> 00:08:53,010 It's known as "the Titan". And they do have million pound notes as well, which are known as "the Giant". 112 00:08:53,011 --> 00:08:56,111 - There are 4,000 of the million pound notes. - Yes. 113 00:08:56,112 --> 00:09:00,312 - And, as I say, 40 of the hundred million-- - Have you got any? - I don't have any, no. 114 00:09:00,313 --> 00:09:06,013 What would you get if you used an ejector seat to escape from this helicopter? 115 00:09:06,014 --> 00:09:09,414 - Oh. - Yes. 116 00:09:09,415 --> 00:09:14,415 A very short headache. "Ooh!" And then, gone. 117 00:09:15,016 --> 00:09:19,516 Is that... Is that the human equivalent of one of those slicing machines you see advertised on shopping channels? 118 00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:22,417 [American showman accent] "Look what I'm doing! I'm doing four, I'm doing five, I'm doing six! 119 00:09:22,418 --> 00:09:30,718 I'm putting cucumber, I'm putting tomato in. I could slice and slice and slice! Take an old shoe! You could slice a shoe. It'll keep on slicing." 120 00:09:31,219 --> 00:09:39,919 The ejector goes out, er, sideways. The... No, down. There's a trap door. There's a trap door?! You go, "Whoo-aa!" 121 00:09:40,420 --> 00:09:42,720 What could possibly be happening outside of the helicopter that you think, 122 00:09:42,721 --> 00:09:46,921 "I'll tell you what. I'm gonna press this button." I just don't know how bad it could be in there to... 123 00:09:46,922 --> 00:09:49,422 for you to go, "Oh, this is rubbish, this helicopter thing." 124 00:09:49,423 --> 00:09:51,623 - Take a chance. - "I wonder if I could fly." 125 00:09:52,624 --> 00:09:58,024 How would you design a helicopter in which it was possible to use an ejector seat that took you up? 126 00:09:58,025 --> 00:10:01,325 - You would-- - Tip it a bit? Or turn it? You'd have to... 127 00:10:01,326 --> 00:10:05,526 - You'd simply have to get rid of the rotors. You'd simply have to blow them away... - Turn it upside down? 128 00:10:05,527 --> 00:10:07,327 ...milliseconds before the ejector seat. - Ah. 129 00:10:07,328 --> 00:10:08,828 - So they simply disappear. - Wow. 130 00:10:08,829 --> 00:10:10,829 - They just - blow away. - That's what it says in the manual, Stephen. 131 00:10:10,830 --> 00:10:14,830 - Yeah. - And obviously, they've had very few complaints. 132 00:10:16,131 --> 00:10:19,631 That one is called "the Black Shark", that particular make of helicopter. 133 00:10:19,632 --> 00:10:22,632 There are a few others where this is the case. They're not very popular. 134 00:10:22,833 --> 00:10:27,133 7,000 airmens' lives have been saved by ejector seats. Not bad, is it? 135 00:10:27,134 --> 00:10:31,834 Martin-Baker is the company that makes them for the... in Britain. Not for helicopters. 136 00:10:31,835 --> 00:10:34,135 - There they are. - Can't you get them for your, er... 137 00:10:34,136 --> 00:10:43,336 just for your house? For just, sort of, domestic use? You know. If you... There's nothing on the TV; it's just an old re-run of Hollyoaks or something like that; 138 00:10:43,337 --> 00:10:49,137 and you've eaten a Marks and Spencer's deal; not very nice... "You know what? This evening's very disappointing." 139 00:10:52,838 --> 00:10:56,738 What is the world's most expensive meat? 140 00:10:59,239 --> 00:11:04,539 - Be, er, a unicorn steak. Or a mermaid fillet. - Yes. 141 00:11:04,540 --> 00:11:08,440 - Or a griffin burger. - Possibly. 142 00:11:08,441 --> 00:11:11,641 - There's an elephant in the room! - Ahh... 143 00:11:11,642 --> 00:11:15,842 - Is it... mammoth? - It's not what I have. 144 00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:20,243 - You mean, I have... - Wasted your elephant. 145 00:11:20,244 --> 00:11:23,774 - You can use it again. - It's actually Alan's. My one's down here. 146 00:11:25,075 --> 00:11:32,075 - Very good! No. - Ooh, ooh! Ooh ooh! 147 00:11:32,076 --> 00:11:32,976 - Yeah? - Is it the... 148 00:11:32,977 --> 00:11:35,977 the special, beautifully-reared, er, Japanese beef? 149 00:11:35,978 --> 00:11:40,278 - The special-- [Forfeit: Klaxons sound.] - Oh! Not Kobe. No, no. 150 00:11:40,279 --> 00:11:43,879 I actually said "Japanese beef", and then it appeared in big letters behind me. That's-- 151 00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:46,780 - Yeah. Predictable. - It's horrible when that happens. - That's-- 152 00:11:47,781 --> 00:11:51,581 I had this recently. I had it in New York. They're crazy for it. They're crazy for the expensive Kobe beef. 153 00:11:51,582 --> 00:11:52,482 - Kobe beef, yeah. - Yeah. 154 00:11:52,483 --> 00:11:54,583 - So they've got, like, the-- - Kobe beef burgers, and-- 155 00:11:54,584 --> 00:11:57,184 Yeah, burgers for a hundred dollars or something ludicrous. 156 00:11:57,185 --> 00:11:59,085 What's the difference between Kobe beef and...? 157 00:11:59,086 --> 00:12:03,986 They claim that the cattle are massaged and fed on beer. It's actually nonsense. 158 00:12:03,987 --> 00:12:05,587 They used to be fed... 159 00:12:07,588 --> 00:12:14,488 - You want to be one, don't you? I know. You want to be a Kobe-- - No, I was one in a previous life! 160 00:12:15,489 --> 00:12:18,789 I've just come back, and this time, people can't eat me! 161 00:12:19,590 --> 00:12:24,590 They used to be fed on hops that had already been used in the brewing process. 162 00:12:24,591 --> 00:12:31,691 Now, in 1932, Winston Churchill predicted that "fifty years hence, we shall escape the absurdity 163 00:12:31,692 --> 00:12:35,692 of growing a whole chicken just in order to eat the breast or wing," 164 00:12:35,693 --> 00:12:39,693 and would do it "by growing these parts separately under a suitable medium." 165 00:12:39,694 --> 00:12:42,694 And the kind of food I'm talking about is precisely what he predicted. 166 00:12:42,695 --> 00:12:50,695 In other words, it is a manufactured food, made from something called myoblasts, which are a kind of stem cell-- - Ahh. 167 00:12:50,696 --> 00:12:52,896 - Normally do them in the bath. - Yeah. 168 00:12:54,197 --> 00:12:59,597 Do you see, these myoblasts are pre-programmed to grow muscle. So the cell is removed from a living animal, 169 00:12:59,598 --> 00:13:05,598 just a cell, and it multiplies in a... in a stew of, sort of, amino acids and minerals, 170 00:13:05,599 --> 00:13:10,899 but the point is, these cells are capable of multiplying so many times in the culture, 171 00:13:10,900 --> 00:13:17,800 that it's theoretically possible for a single cell to produce enough meat to feed the whole world. 172 00:13:17,801 --> 00:13:25,901 At the moment, however, a single kilo costs $10,000, whereas it's only £85 a kilo for Kobe beef. 173 00:13:25,902 --> 00:13:29,602 - But... But I have to go home after this. - Yes. You do. 174 00:13:29,603 --> 00:13:34,103 - I have-- - Believe me! 175 00:13:34,104 --> 00:13:44,704 And... I have to convince me brother that crisp butties are wrong. You've just explained the way... the future of food. 176 00:13:44,705 --> 00:13:53,005 - Yes. There's no place for crisp butties in the future. - There isn't going to be Monster Munch on... on white bread for the next 20 years, that way. 177 00:13:53,006 --> 00:13:55,606 - Monster Munch on white bread. - Who's gonna remove... 178 00:13:55,607 --> 00:14:00,607 Nobody removes a stem cell from a Monster Munch. It's a purebred animal! 179 00:14:00,608 --> 00:14:02,808 - Is it? - It's like God has... 180 00:14:02,809 --> 00:14:08,209 God has gathered up the footsteps of... of... of a dinosaur, and put 'em in a bag! 181 00:14:09,210 --> 00:14:13,910 - That's a Monster Munch? - That's a Monster Munch! - I want one now! 182 00:14:14,211 --> 00:14:19,111 No, but I don't want one that's been meddled with and... and had needles put into it. 183 00:14:19,112 --> 00:14:21,212 - No. - I want a fresh bag! 184 00:14:22,513 --> 00:14:28,913 Preferably pickled onion. And... And some Hovis and thick butter. 185 00:14:28,914 --> 00:14:31,414 Right! Okay, it's a deal. 186 00:14:33,215 --> 00:14:37,215 Do you know about Yan Tan Tethera? That'll get you some points back. 187 00:14:37,616 --> 00:14:41,816 It's a counting system, possibly Celtic in origin... 188 00:14:41,817 --> 00:14:43,417 - What, the counting? - Is it... sheep counting? 189 00:14:43,418 --> 00:14:49,418 Yes. It's for counting sheep. It actually goes: Yan,Tan, Tethera--this is the Borrowdale version-- 190 00:14:49,419 --> 00:14:53,319 Yan, Tyan, Tethera, Methera, Pimp, Sethera, Lethera, Hovera, Dovera, Dick, 191 00:14:53,320 --> 00:15:00,020 Yan-a-dick Tyan-a-dick, Tethera-dik, Methera-dick, Bumfit... suddenly appears, which is 15. 192 00:15:00,021 --> 00:15:04,121 - And it goes all the way up to Giggot, which is 20. - So one in every 15 will-- 193 00:15:04,122 --> 00:15:06,322 - Will be a bumfit. Absolutely. - ...be a bumfit. 194 00:15:06,323 --> 00:15:10,023 I think you actually might have just summoned up the devil, Stephen. 195 00:15:10,024 --> 00:15:13,324 Are the last three sheep Cuthbert, Dibble, and Grub? 196 00:15:15,125 --> 00:15:19,725 Me and Alan did a play in Edinburgh, and we had to share the stage with some Korean dancers. 197 00:15:19,726 --> 00:15:25,126 And the stage was sprung for these dancers, so that they were able to do their leaps and everything. 198 00:15:25,127 --> 00:15:29,227 Which was fine for them, but we were just doing a play! Just a play, in... 199 00:15:29,228 --> 00:15:32,628 It was supposed to be in an apartment, that was on dry... on the land. 200 00:15:32,629 --> 00:15:37,529 On the land in an apartment, on dry land, and every time we... 201 00:15:37,530 --> 00:15:40,730 We were walking about like this! And there was a... there was a... 202 00:15:40,731 --> 00:15:46,031 They were all sitting around playing poker, and I had to walk behind them, and if I walked heavy enough, they'd go up and down. 203 00:15:48,532 --> 00:15:51,832 There was a drinks cabinet in one corner. Every time everyone walked, the whole thing went-- 204 00:15:51,833 --> 00:15:57,033 "Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding!" And then we had to, sort of, walk about, like this. 205 00:15:59,434 --> 00:16:02,434 "Hi!" "Well, here's your sandwich." "Well, thank you!" 206 00:16:04,235 --> 00:16:08,935 - That's why the critics said, "I finally understand why it's called the Odd Couple." - Yes, the Odd Couple. 207 00:16:08,936 --> 00:16:13,036 You made it odder. The great stages; I... The other thing, when they're raked down. 208 00:16:13,037 --> 00:16:17,837 - Yes. - I... I went to a... a matinee performance of The Tempest, er, 209 00:16:17,838 --> 00:16:20,838 that the Royal Shakespeare Company were doing. There's a fabulous actor called Paul Brooke. 210 00:16:20,839 --> 00:16:23,639 I don't know if you know who I mean. Slightly boss-eyed. And it... 'Cause it was a... 211 00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:28,640 and I've since discovered this--I was a child at the time-- but actors in matinees get very frisky, and... 212 00:16:28,641 --> 00:16:33,641 and just like to take the piss out of the play because they're bored stiff and have done it for three months or whatever. 213 00:16:33,642 --> 00:16:38,842 And, er, in The Tempest, all the sprites, you know... there's a sort of human pyramid. 214 00:16:38,843 --> 00:16:44,343 And Paul Brooke was playing one of these lords with a big fur coat, you know, that went all the way down, 215 00:16:44,344 --> 00:16:49,044 and he decided, for the matinee, to be naked underneath it. And at one point, he had to look upstage, 216 00:16:49,045 --> 00:16:54,745 so that the--obviously, the audience couldn't see-- at this pyramid, and go, "Oh, it does amaze me!" 217 00:16:54,746 --> 00:16:57,446 and all this kind of thing, and he just opened his coat, like that. 218 00:16:58,247 --> 00:17:06,347 And the... the girl at the top of the pyramid urinated with laughter, and it went all the way down the pyramid, 219 00:17:06,348 --> 00:17:10,748 and all the way down the stage, and it dripped off the edge of the stage. 220 00:17:10,749 --> 00:17:15,849 It was fantastic. Just great. You couldn't have hoped for a better response. 221 00:17:16,450 --> 00:17:19,750 - Like wheelie trainers. - Oh, yes. Have you ever tried those? 222 00:17:19,751 --> 00:17:21,451 I mean, it's only children who wear them, but have you ever-- 223 00:17:21,452 --> 00:17:24,852 It's that weird thing. You see them walking along, and then suddenly, they point their feet up. 224 00:17:24,853 --> 00:17:29,953 It's like the Children of the Damned with the weak ankles. They're just walking along normally, and then suddenly, 225 00:17:29,954 --> 00:17:32,754 their legs go rigid, and the feet do that, and they go: - 226 00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:39,055 - The Gliding Children of Death. - They do it at length. They should hold the national championships 227 00:17:39,055 --> 00:17:42,955 at Bluewater to see how quick they could get around it. - That's right! 228 00:17:42,956 --> 00:17:47,356 But don't you feel cheated that our generation... I mean, it's not as if it's a difficult invention. - We had skateboards. 229 00:17:47,357 --> 00:17:50,057 - We had skateboards, yes, ish, but I mean-- - Did you have a skateboard? 230 00:17:50,058 --> 00:17:51,858 No. But, erm... 231 00:17:52,159 --> 00:17:54,359 Did you try and buy one, and they went, [posh accent] "I don't think this is for you." 232 00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:56,660 No! It's not the kind of thing I liked. 233 00:17:56,661 --> 00:18:02,161 They actually had a Bentley skateboard made of teak. With fine, original, Birmingham wheels. 234 00:18:02,162 --> 00:18:07,862 I had a space hopper! Well, I did! I liked it! 235 00:18:07,863 --> 00:18:23,263 "Baah! Baah! Baah! Baah! Baah! Baah! Nearly to Garboldisham! Baah! Baah! Mother! A bicycle next time!" 236 00:18:24,264 --> 00:18:30,064 You're, like, nine feet tall! Your knees must have been here! It must have been like... 237 00:18:30,065 --> 00:18:34,865 - When I was eight! - Turned out it was just a terrible haemorrhoid. 238 00:18:36,566 --> 00:18:38,666 We've got a guined pig at home, and every time, it... It's just... 239 00:18:38,667 --> 00:18:43,967 It lives its life in a state of extreme terror. The whole time. 240 00:18:46,068 --> 00:18:47,868 You go to pick it up, and as you pick it up, sort of... 241 00:18:47,869 --> 00:18:51,869 "Please don't kill me, please don't kill me, please don't kill me! Please don't kill me!" 242 00:18:51,870 --> 00:18:55,070 And then you put it down, and it goes, "Oh, thank God!" 243 00:18:55,071 --> 00:19:00,671 - I just couldn't live like that. - Stop picking it up! It doesn't like it! 244 00:19:00,672 --> 00:19:03,972 Bill wears his falconry gloves. Like that. 245 00:19:05,673 --> 00:19:08,673 They're very fragile, aren't they? You can kill them with anything. 246 00:19:08,674 --> 00:19:12,074 - You've gotta put a sticker on them. - Yes. Dressing up as an eagle: That's the wrong thing to do. 247 00:19:18,375 --> 00:19:23,275 - "Please don't kill me, please don't kill me!" - Hang from the ceiling above it, flapping. Like that. 248 00:19:23,276 --> 00:19:24,876 Pick it up like this. 249 00:19:28,077 --> 00:19:29,877 Then go like that. 250 00:19:34,078 --> 00:19:37,678 - Aww. - "Please don't kill me, please don't kill me!" 251 00:19:38,779 --> 00:19:41,979 - If you milk men... - Hullo. 252 00:19:41,980 --> 00:19:45,480 - Oh, yes. - That's not the way to do it, Phill. - You're not gonna get MSG out. 253 00:19:45,481 --> 00:19:49,781 - You might, because it's present in milk, and if a man lactates, which men do... - Hello? Yeah. 254 00:19:49,782 --> 00:19:53,482 It's one of the reasons babies like milk, is because it's full of glutamate, in fact. 255 00:19:53,483 --> 00:19:56,583 This is why I don't wanna do shows like this! 256 00:19:57,084 --> 00:19:59,084 Why is that, Johnny? 257 00:19:59,085 --> 00:20:03,785 Well, 'cause now, I'm gonna lie awake at night, fearing that I'm lactating poison! 258 00:20:04,386 --> 00:20:08,486 I feel like I've already hurt people enough in my lifetime. 259 00:20:08,887 --> 00:20:14,087 It's not poison; it's good. We're trying to suggest that MSG is not as bad as it's been painted. 260 00:20:14,088 --> 00:20:18,788 - You may not like the flavour, in which case, certainly, don't have any. - Yeah, but I don't want meaty-tasting breasts! 261 00:20:20,089 --> 00:20:24,189 - I fear nature made this-- - I don't want men running round to butcher shops... 262 00:20:24,190 --> 00:20:30,090 and taking me shirt off and going-- "Taste him! He's like sirloin." 263 00:20:32,091 --> 00:20:33,491 Well... 264 00:20:34,392 --> 00:20:38,592 - That would be a very bad daytrip to Walton Towers! - It would, wouldn't it! 265 00:20:40,293 --> 00:20:44,593 There's nothing we can do for you. I'm afraid your breasts do taste slightly meaty if... 266 00:20:44,594 --> 00:20:52,094 if you're lactating. But let's face it, they'd be meaty anyway, because they're flesh... Johnny. Don't be scared of your own flesh. 267 00:20:54,395 --> 00:20:57,095 Polar bears aren't attracted to black. 268 00:20:57,896 --> 00:20:59,296 No. It would be a waste of time. 269 00:20:59,297 --> 00:21:03,797 Because they're colour-blind. They're the ugliest animals I've ever seen. 270 00:21:03,798 --> 00:21:05,798 Polar bears? 271 00:21:08,499 --> 00:21:11,399 Do you... Do you know the best way to escape a charging polar bear? 272 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:14,000 Shoot it in the face. 273 00:21:14,001 --> 00:21:16,301 - I know! I know! - Yes, go on. 274 00:21:16,302 --> 00:21:20,701 - You take your clothes off. - Exactly. It stops to pick up your clothes and smell them, 275 00:21:20,702 --> 00:21:24,202 and you just get further away from them. - That is the biggest load of nonsense... 276 00:21:24,203 --> 00:21:27,803 - And then you die of... - You would obviously be chilly, I suspect. 277 00:21:27,804 --> 00:21:30,404 - But you won't be eaten, so... - You'd be very chilly, and it would eat you, and go, 278 00:21:30,405 --> 00:21:32,705 "That's good; that one didn't have a wrapper." 279 00:21:35,806 --> 00:21:38,406 Who's Frank Lampard looking at through that keyhole? 280 00:21:40,607 --> 00:21:48,607 - Is that how you view the Museum of Pornography? - Not... No, to be honest. - It's a tiny, tiny museum... fit into a keyhole. 281 00:21:48,608 --> 00:21:52,908 [as David Frost] As we go through... the keyhole. 282 00:21:56,309 --> 00:21:59,409 - He can't do many, but they're good! - They're very good. 283 00:22:01,210 --> 00:22:02,610 Can you do Loyd as well? 284 00:22:02,611 --> 00:22:09,211 No, I wouldn't want to do Loyd. [as Loyd Grossman] "Whose house it uhs!" Erm... But it's, erm... 285 00:22:09,212 --> 00:22:12,012 - What did he eat as a kid? - [as Grossman] "David, it's oever to you!" 286 00:22:12,513 --> 00:22:16,113 He's got such a strange voice. I think, as a kid, he got stuck in a helium balloon or something. 287 00:22:16,114 --> 00:22:20,614 His voice is just bizarre. What is his accent? Just to digress. 288 00:22:20,615 --> 00:22:22,415 - It's, erm-- - Massachusetts. 289 00:22:22,416 --> 00:22:23,816 Oh, it's American. 290 00:22:23,817 --> 00:22:28,117 Yes. Yes! That is in America. He claims they all speak like that in Massachusetts. 291 00:22:28,118 --> 00:22:31,418 It's obviously nonsense; they don't. But he came over quite young to England, 292 00:22:31,419 --> 00:22:33,819 and to a very Fulham-y part of England, where people 293 00:22:33,820 --> 00:22:36,520 [in his public school accent] really, you know, talk like this, the English people. 294 00:22:36,521 --> 00:22:42,521 [as Grossman] So he kind of mixed it up with American, and got out with this strange Loyd Grossman way of talking. - He's got the weirdest voice in the world! 295 00:22:42,522 --> 00:22:47,622 [as Grossman] "It is. It's ve-ery odd." Erm... I don't know. 296 00:22:47,623 --> 00:22:50,323 - It is. It's the-- - He got a bang on the head, and that's what happened. 297 00:22:50,924 --> 00:22:52,124 Is he gay? 298 00:22:52,125 --> 00:22:56,325 - No. No no. - Oh. I just thought it would be great if he got married to Brian Sewell. 299 00:23:00,026 --> 00:23:05,326 - What a ménage! Oh. - And then they... they had a thing with Brian Blessed! 300 00:23:06,027 --> 00:23:13,327 [does a rapid and unintelligible impression of Brian Blessed] But, erm... No! Stop it. 301 00:23:13,328 --> 00:23:17,428 Can I just do a Brian Blessed story quickly? It won't get in... It's great, though. 302 00:23:17,429 --> 00:23:20,729 - He climbed... tried to climb Everest a few years ago-- - Yeah. 303 00:23:20,730 --> 00:23:24,530 ...and he said at one point, they had to sleep overnight, kind of, at the edge of a glacier, 304 00:23:24,531 --> 00:23:28,131 so they were all in a tent that was, like, hanging off a washing line. 305 00:23:28,132 --> 00:23:32,432 And so, in order to go for a poo, erm, you have to actually get out of this tent and, 306 00:23:32,433 --> 00:23:36,333 kind of, go along the washing line a bit, and just sort of do it, into, sort of, outer space, 307 00:23:36,334 --> 00:23:41,134 and there was a howling gale. And one guy went, "Uh, I want a shit," at about 3:00 in the morning, 308 00:23:41,135 --> 00:23:45,535 so off he goes, out the tent; does it; gets back in; and they're all, kind of, in this tent, 309 00:23:45,536 --> 00:23:50,336 kind of, hanging off this washing line together. And after about ten minutes, when they'd all warmed up a bit, 310 00:23:50,337 --> 00:23:54,037 someone went--[sniffs]. Like that. "What's going on?" And what had happened was, 311 00:23:54,038 --> 00:23:58,938 he'd done a poo, it had flown 'round space a bit, and landed in the hood of his jacket! 312 00:24:12,039 --> 00:24:19,739 Oh, dear me! Ooh! What a shithead. Anyway! What... No. 313 00:24:19,740 --> 00:24:21,240 What's this for? 314 00:24:25,241 --> 00:24:28,441 - It's not four; it's three! - Hey! 315 00:24:30,042 --> 00:24:35,642 - Brilliant. There you go; you get a sweet. That's very good. I like that one. 316 00:24:35,643 --> 00:24:40,743 Some sort of support for the building? It used to be... There used to be more of it? 317 00:24:40,744 --> 00:24:45,744 It's the close up of the road from... It's the speed bumps on the way to China. 318 00:24:45,745 --> 00:24:49,745 No, it's an architectural feature you will see all over Europe. All over the world, actually. 319 00:24:49,746 --> 00:24:52,346 Oh, is it above... That's a column, underneath it. 320 00:24:52,347 --> 00:24:55,947 There would be a column underneath it. It's in one of the architraval... The entablature. - And that goes along the top, 321 00:24:55,948 --> 00:25:00,448 and that gives you specific information pertaining to the relation between the column and the... 322 00:25:00,449 --> 00:25:03,949 Not exactly. It's what's called a triglyph, erm... - That's right. 323 00:25:05,350 --> 00:25:11,450 And what is quite interesting about triglyphs is that they are a sort of vestige 324 00:25:11,451 --> 00:25:14,651 of what was left over from when Greeks used to build temples in wood-- 325 00:25:14,652 --> 00:25:18,652 - Yeah. - ...and... and they would have three planks in a line-- - Three planks. Yep. 326 00:25:18,653 --> 00:25:21,853 - ...supporting... - Supporting. - Supporting... ? 327 00:25:21,854 --> 00:25:25,654 - Go on, Steve! Go on! - Supporting the roof. 328 00:25:25,655 --> 00:25:28,455 - The roof. Yeah. - And so, when they then started working in marble... 329 00:25:28,456 --> 00:25:30,856 - Marble. - ...they just echoed... 330 00:25:32,057 --> 00:25:37,357 - And, er... So, there you are. - There you are. 331 00:25:38,657 --> 00:25:41,857 That's the last time you're allowed to do that. You understand. - I love it in the early... 332 00:25:41,858 --> 00:25:45,058 In, sort of, Hollywood movies, when they do something set in Ancient Rome or Ancient Greece-- - Yeah. 333 00:25:45,059 --> 00:25:47,559 ...when they... they, sort of, rebuild ruins. 334 00:25:47,860 --> 00:25:49,660 - Yes! I know! - It's a wonderful sort of thing when they go, 335 00:25:49,661 --> 00:25:54,661 "Yeah, we're going to build a film. It's set in Ancient Rome... They lived in ruins." Well, not at the time! 336 00:25:54,662 --> 00:25:59,562 - No! - That was years later they were ruined! You bloody fool. 337 00:25:59,563 --> 00:26:03,663 They say of the Acroc--Ap--Acropolis, where... where the Parthenon'n is 338 00:26:05,064 --> 00:26:07,564 They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is... - Are those the magic words? 339 00:26:07,565 --> 00:26:14,265 They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is, that they... 340 00:26:16,766 --> 00:26:21,066 It's all been to my... - It turns out, they didn't say anything at all! 341 00:26:22,467 --> 00:26:26,967 - They say of the Acropolis... - ...where the Parthenon is! 342 00:26:28,168 --> 00:26:31,668 - They... say of the Acropolis-- - Everyone... ! - ...where the Parthenon is! 343 00:26:31,669 --> 00:26:42,569 [singing] They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is! 344 00:26:42,570 --> 00:26:44,570 [singing] They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! 345 00:26:44,571 --> 00:26:48,671 Bloody hell, Stephen. This better be good! 346 00:26:57,072 --> 00:27:04,272 Moving on! So. The triglyph is a remnant of the stone, er... oh . - Sorry... Stephen. 347 00:27:04,273 --> 00:27:11,073 I've just got a question. What do they say... about the Acropolis, where the Parthenon--[musically]--iiis? 348 00:27:11,074 --> 00:27:12,474 They say-- 349 00:27:13,975 --> 00:27:16,875 - They say of the Acropolis-- - What do they say? What do they say? 350 00:27:17,476 --> 00:27:22,876 He's gonna say! He's gonna say! He's gonna say! He's gonna say! He's gonna say! He's going to saaaay. 351 00:27:22,877 --> 00:27:27,477 - I can't breathe! My tummy hurts! - What do they saaaay? 352 00:27:27,478 --> 00:27:34,878 - About the Acropoliiiiis? - Where the Parthenon iiiiiis? 353 00:27:35,979 --> 00:27:43,179 Oh-h! Can I write it down? Read it! It says it there. It's... 354 00:27:43,180 --> 00:27:49,980 - You've gotta tell us now! - It's... They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is-- 355 00:27:49,981 --> 00:27:56,081 --that there are... no... straight... lines! - Yay! 356 00:27:58,082 --> 00:28:01,382 Oh! Damn, that hurt. 357 00:28:04,583 --> 00:28:07,383 - Yeah. Do they? - Yeah. 358 00:28:07,784 --> 00:28:10,084 Whatever! 359 00:28:12,185 --> 00:28:18,185 Well, that's your lot for the year. From Alan and me and all our guests on the "E" series, good night. 360 00:28:18,186 --> 00:28:23,186 Happy Christmas. See you next year. [laughs manically] 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net