1 00:00:32,380 --> 00:00:41,740 Good evening, good evening, good evening. Good evening and welcome to the very special QI Children in Need special. 2 00:00:42,380 --> 00:00:45,740 - Are you sitting comfortably? - Yes! 3 00:00:45,740 --> 00:00:52,740 Excellent news. Then I shall begin. Joining me in my fairytale cottage tonight are: In the littlest chair, 4 00:00:52,740 --> 00:00:56,740 lovely little Pudsey "Baby Bear" Bear... 5 00:01:00,740 --> 00:01:06,740 And in the medium-sized chair, Ronni "Mummy Bear" Ancona... 6 00:01:10,740 --> 00:01:15,740 And in the big chair, David "Daddy Bear" Mitchell... 7 00:01:19,740 --> 00:01:24,740 And Alan "Who's Been Sleeping in my Porridge" Davies. 8 00:01:32,740 --> 00:01:37,740 Now, our theme tonight, appropriately enough, is "families". Families. We all have them. We all love them, 9 00:01:37,740 --> 00:01:38,740 - Come on, I must get on! - whether or... 10 00:01:38,740 --> 00:01:43,740 - I've got plenty to do here; I've got a programme to do... - Oh, my Christ! What...? 11 00:01:48,300 --> 00:01:55,740 If I could ask you to vacate the chair, please. I've left a... I've left a large gap in a big studio down the road. 12 00:01:59,740 --> 00:02:04,740 - Terry Wogan. Well, well, well, well, well. - Oh, shucks! 13 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:10,000 Fabulous to have you, all the way from BBC One. 14 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:16,000 Oh, for goodness sake, no, I've come to this poor little place just to make my contribution to a humble little programme, 15 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:22,000 meanwhile you I want to continue to make your contributions. Keep that money rolling in... 16 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:25,000 Well, now, you all know the rules; you all have buzzers. 17 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:27,000 Ronni goes like this: 18 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:36,000 Thank you. Family theme, you see. David goes: 19 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:44,000 Terry goes: 20 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:53,000 That was lovely. And Alan goes: 21 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:04,000 Everyone started clapping along! 22 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:07,000 - You see... - People want knees ups. 22 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:12,000 They don't want information-based panel shows. They just want a knees up. 23 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:15,000 Well, it looks to me like they could do a Mexican wave in a minute. 24 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:23,000 Let's start with some family wisdom. I want some old wives' tales. 25 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:26,000 Do you know any old wives' tales? Tell me some dubious tales of your grandmothers. 26 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:29,000 Well, my granny... My granny always had a tale or two to tell. 27 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:35,000 I remember... I remember her saying, "Love flies out the window when poverty walks in the door." 28 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:43,000 And then the other one was, "It doesn't matter whether you're rich or whether you're poor, as long as you have money." 29 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:47,000 - "Cheese gives you bad dreams." - "Cheese gives you bad dreams" is one. 30 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:50,000 My granny had... She had so many they've kind of become a blur in my head. 31 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:51,000 They were all kind of things like, 31 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:57,000 "The higher cows build their nests up trees, the redder a shepherd's face will be if he likes butter, 32 00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:01,000 unless the wind changes direction, in which case he'll turn blind, 32 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,000 and catch cold, unless he puts vinegar on it." 33 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:07,000 Yes, so many of them involve catching a cold and going blind, don't they. 34 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,000 Well, going blind, definitely. Yes. 34 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:14,200 Wanking makes you blind. But... But you know, I have contact lenses so I can see fine. 35 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:19,000 - Yeah. - So essentially, contact lenses are the wanker's charter. 36 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:22,000 Is there much to see? 37 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,000 No. To be honest, no. 38 00:04:28,300 --> 00:04:33,000 - What about "a crow follows a busy squirrel"? - Eating your crusts. 39 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:36,000 - My granny says, "Eating your crusts puts hairs on your chest." - Yes. 40 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:41,000 That's what my granny used to tell me and my two brothers, but why would she tell me that... 41 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:46,000 As a woman? I think the fact she was called the Wolf Woman of Wick may have something to do with it! 42 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:51,000 Well now... Here's a burning contemporary issue and a constant niggle. 42 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:55,500 What have artists and composers ever done for children in need? 43 00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:57,800 - Lots. - Lots. Like? 44 00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:04,800 Tchaikovsky and Prokofiev did a sponsored skip across the Volga... Dressed as Tweedledee and Tweedledum. 45 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:08,800 Manet sat in a bath of snails for a week. 45 00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:17,800 Rachmaninoff ate 48 pies in 68 hours while playing a second piano concerto. Need I go on? 46 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:23,800 Well, it's a damn good start! Do you know, in some ways the original Children in Need for London, 47 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:30,000 was the creation of an extraordinary institution in the 18th century. Do you know what I might be referring to? 48 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:33,000 - It was a foundling hospital. - There was a foundling hospital. 49 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:37,300 It was a man called Thomas Coram, who was one of the great benefactors of the age, 50 00:05:37,300 --> 00:05:45,200 because we're talking about an age in which 75 percent of all children died before the age of five in London. 51 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:51,000 90 percent of all children who were born in workhouses died before they were five. 51 00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:55,000 So this man Coram, who was a successful merchant, badgered people and... 52 00:05:55,000 --> 00:06:01,000 And two of the most influential people, who allowed this place to be built were Hogarth, the great artist of the day, 53 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:07,000 and Handel, the composer, and they did extraordinary work for this hospital. 53 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:10,400 It was hugely successful. And there were so many at the foundling hospital 54 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:16,000 that they had to have a lottery. They literally had a lottery, and there was a ball taken out of a bag. 55 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:20,000 If it's... If it's a... A white ball, the child goes straight in; if it's a red one, they're on the waiting list; if it's a black one, 56 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:25,000 "Sorry, we can't take your child." And then in 1756, the government said, 57 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:29,000 "No, we'll guarantee that every child can go into this hospital, every child." 57 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:32,000 And that sort of worked pretty well. 58 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,000 But what's in a sense phenomenal is that we have lived... 58 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:38,000 And our parents have lived, probably, and for most of our grandparents even... 59 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:43,000 have lived in an age in which such a thing is inconceivable, but we are a minority of the human race. 60 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:47,000 Most of the human race has lived with unspeakable suffering, especially for children. 61 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:51,000 - There's still unspeakable suffering from children all over... - There is. 62 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:54,000 - All over this country, and that's why Children in Need comes in. - Exactly. 63 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:59,000 I mean we raised, what was it? Oh, 35 million last year. 64 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:04,000 We'd need to raise 150 million to make a real difference to the kind of suffering that goes on. 65 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:08,000 Here, here, thank you very much. Excellent. 66 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:18,000 So, yeah, the artist Hogarth and the composer Handel helped to establish the foundling hospital, 67 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:20,000 the 18th century's answer to Children in Need. 68 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:26,000 Now, which of these ladies is more likely to bite off a baby's head? 69 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:31,000 - David. - I think it's Ann Widdecombe, because she's a Catholic. 70 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:35,000 Terry! Defend your faith. 71 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:38,000 I'm not... I'm not actually saying that Catholics are more likely to bite off babies' heads, 72 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:41,000 but I imagine that might have been the sort of thing that was once said. 73 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:46,000 I think that, er... Originally, of course, Margaret Thatcher was known as the "milk snatcher"... 74 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:51,000 Taking the pinter out of the innocent babies' mouths, but I don't think it was her. I... I agree, 75 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:56,000 I think it was Ann Widdecombe, but I think she's misquoted, because one time somebody said to her, 76 00:07:56,000 --> 00:08:02,000 "Ann, are you hungry?" And she's a... She's a good little trencher woman, and she said, "Hungry?" she said. 77 00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:05,000 "I'd eat a baby's arse through a wickerwork chair." 78 00:08:07,300 --> 00:08:14,000 And that... That is how... That... It grew up from arse to head, you know... 79 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:16,000 - But... So that's an easy enough mistake. - It's so easily done. 80 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:20,000 What... What's the ref... What's the... The wickerwork chair? That's an odd, sort of... 81 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:24,000 "Not only would I eat a baby's arse; I'd do it under awkward circumstances. 82 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:29,000 With... With chopsticks through a wickerwork chair. With one hand tied behind my back." 83 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:32,000 It shows how little you know of roughage, lad. 84 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:36,000 He's a stranger to the lavatory, I fear. 84 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:40,000 But no, the reason that we have these two... These two women... 85 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:42,000 - I think I know. - Yes. Yes, tell. 86 00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:47,000 - I think it's something to do with jelly babies. - Oh, my dear, you're so completely right. 87 00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:53,000 Because women who have had children will basically take a jelly baby 88 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:59,000 and will check it for nappy rash and cradle cap and attempt to get it into a good school before eating it. 89 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:06,700 And then women who haven't had children will obviously... Can enjoy the benefits of jelly babies 90 00:09:06,700 --> 00:09:10,000 knowing that they can give them back at the end of the day when they've had enough. 91 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:17,000 Ronni. Ronni, Ronni, it is about jelly babies, but the odd thing about the research is that it's mothers... 92 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:23,000 who've had children who bite off the heads. And women who don't... Who don't. 93 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:26,000 So lots of points for knowing it was about jelly babies... 94 00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:31,000 What sort of extraordinary mentality is it that you... You actually enquire into which part of the jelly baby... 95 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,700 - you'd bite off first? - It does seem strange. 96 00:09:33,700 --> 00:09:39,700 Well, a lot of universities are short of funding. So they have to investigate stupid things. 97 00:09:39,700 --> 00:09:44,000 - Come on, boys. - Ah, of course. I'll have a black one if I may? 98 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:47,000 There you are. There's more, and I get a whole bowl to myself. 99 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:52,000 Three million of these are eaten every week, you know. Now... 100 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:58,000 - What, what's the powdery substance? - Cocaine. Andean... 101 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:06,000 The powder, of course, is starch; it's so you get the jelly out of the mould. That's what the powder is for. 102 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:11,000 Now back to family relationships. Ronni, what do newborn babies like best? 103 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:17,000 - Oh, well, as a mother of a newborn I'd like to say "crying". - Crying. 104 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:23,000 The thing is about babies crying is, you just think, "What have you got to cry about? 105 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:27,000 You haven't got any financial problems; you've got no relationship problems; 106 00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:30,000 you're not haunted by mistakes that you've made in the past. Do you know what I mean? 107 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:34,000 We should be crying on an hourly basis; you've got it easy." 108 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:36,000 You don't have to get out of bed to go for a poo. You just lie back... 109 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,000 No! Everything's provided for you. Lie back... 110 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:45,000 You're adored... Make the most of it. What is your problem? Make the most of it, 111 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:47,800 'cause you'll look back at this and it'll be the happiest days of your life. 112 00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:51,800 Maybe they're stressed about all the stuff they've got ahead of them. 113 00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:55,800 Maybe they can... They can pick up on the stress of all the adults, kind of going, 114 00:10:55,800 --> 00:11:01,000 "Oh, my God, this is a nightmare. I mean, it's okay now but this is, this is gonna get worse before it gets better." 115 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:06,000 One day, if I'm not careful they're gonna say I'm not allowed to shit in my bed any more. 116 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:13,000 They'll dress it up as 'growing up' or something, but in fact, it's the first stage of a long surrender. 117 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:19,000 Never stop soiling yourself. Life will be much better for you! 118 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:23,700 If you've got an ounce of self respect... Keep soiling yourself! 119 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:32,000 Someone told me that 90 percent of the attention your garner in your life you receive under the age of three. 120 00:11:33,300 --> 00:11:41,000 There's a thought, isn't it? Not for us who are on television, surely! Surely not us! No, I... well, that could be right. 121 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:45,000 Now, that's an interesting point, 'cause a lot of mothers have been led to believe that it's incredibly important 122 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:49,000 at the moment they give birth that there's a... A bonding process. But the interesting thing is 123 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:53,000 that babies don't bond with their mothers particularly, in the very first days; 124 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:58,000 That actually, they respond apparently as much to the cries of a Rhesus monkey as to the noise of their mother. 125 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:02,000 - What, all that hard work for bugger all? - Yeah, er, later... 126 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:06,000 - Get a Rhesus monkey in. - Later they get... 127 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:10,000 They get used to you. They get used to your smell after a few weeks and they do like you. 128 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:14,000 Now, that child's clearly not gonna bond with their parents. 129 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:20,000 You've crawled towards the age where you can again soil yourself with impunity, surely. 130 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:23,000 - See, it's full circle. - What do you mean? What do you mean "crawl" towards it? 131 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:26,000 - Oh, no. - I just... 132 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:34,000 That's un-comfy. I'm lucky I have the incontinence pads. 133 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:38,000 Yeah, I'm so pleased. Is there a Tena gentlemen? Is it only a Tena lady? 134 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,000 Why is it in those ads... 135 00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:50,000 What is it about laughter that makes women wet themselves? I mean, you have the ads: They're... They're jollying about. 136 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,000 "Ha, ha, isn't it lovely?" And then... 137 00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:58,000 - For God sake. - It is odd! 138 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:03,000 I like it when babies soil. My nephew, when he soiled himself, he put his hands on the highchair like that: 139 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:17,000 - They get great concentration on their face. - Yeah 140 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:21,000 While mothers may form an immediate bond with their baby, until they're three months old, 141 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:25,000 babies respond equally well to the call of Rhesus monkeys, as a matter of fact. 142 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,000 What am I describing here? You have to listen carefully. 143 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:33,000 Sustain, followed by ululation, followed by sustain but at a higher frequency, 144 00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:39,000 followed by ululation, followed by sustain at the starting frequency. 145 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:40,000 The Arctic Monkeys. 146 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:46,000 - Very good. - It's not Handel's "Water Music", is it? 147 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:51,000 It's a... No, it's a sound, and it's associated with the jungle. It's associated with the jungle in... 148 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:55,000 - It's Morse code for "I'm stuck in the jungle. Please save me." - No. 149 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,000 Er, think films. 150 00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:59,000 - Oh, I know what it is. - Yes. 151 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:03,000 - It's the noise Tarzan makes. - Yes, well, done, let's hear it. Let's hear the real one. 152 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,000 Oh, Johnny Weissmüller. 153 00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:11,000 I could have just opened my mouth and you could have dubbed that on later. 154 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:16,000 Yeah, exactly. But the thing that's noticeable about that is that it's actually the same forwards and backwards. 155 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:18,000 We can hear the same backwards now. 156 00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:27,000 So it's a kind of simian palindrome. And it was done by the MGM sound technician with... 157 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:32,700 Weissmüller always claimed it was his voice, anyway, but that... That was his yodel. That was his Tarzan yodel. 158 00:14:32,700 --> 00:14:35,000 It's a lot... When you hear it now, as distinct from your memory of it... 159 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:44,000 It's a lot more savage and... And difficult isn't it? It's obviously no human voice... Rather, an ape man. 160 00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:50,000 Yeah, exactly. One who had been raised by apes. What's the most famous line from a Tarzan film? 161 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,000 - That one. - Oh, "Me Tarzan, you Jane." 162 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:56,000 - Yes, except, of course, it never happened. - What? 163 00:14:56,000 --> 00:15:00,000 Why do these films always forget to put their most famous lines in? 164 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:05,000 It is silly, isn't it? No... Yeah, exactly. No "Play it again Sam", no "You dirty rat"... 165 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,000 It's just one of those odd things. 166 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:13,000 Now, we all know about the good work done by Children in Need and, of course Terry's morning show, 167 00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:17,000 but how has the Eurovision Song Contest made Europe a better place? 168 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:22,000 How has it made it a better place? Because it has, as you can see, the dove... 169 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:25,000 - Yeah. - It has brought together the nations of Europe... 170 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:28,000 Has it, arse. It's divided east from west! 171 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:33,000 I know, I mean... 172 00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:40,000 It has brought together the nations of Europe on wings of song! 173 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:44,000 Whether they like it or not! 174 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:49,000 You only have to listen to my commentary to realise how much I believe that. 175 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:58,000 Oh, yeah. One of the few Eurovision Song Contests I remember incredibly well, 176 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:02,800 because the winners are one of the most famous pop groups in the world there's ever been... 177 00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:04,800 There was ABBA, and that was in the year...? 178 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:08,000 - 1974, Brighton. - 1974, exactly. With the song...? 179 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,000 "Waterloo". 180 00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:15,000 "Waterloo". A great song, but there happened to be a song that Portugal provided that year. 181 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:18,000 - They came second from bottom; they only got three points... - It was called "Paddington". 182 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:26,000 But it was one of the most important Eurovision songs ever written for an extraordinary political reason. 183 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:31,000 Are you saying that that was the signal for the Portuguese revolution? 184 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:37,000 Yes, I am! It was called "E Depois do Adeus"; "After the Goodbye", sang by Paolo de Carvalho. 185 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:43,000 I have to tell you that I think you've got the year wrong. It was the following year, when it was being held in Sweden, 186 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,000 after ABBA had won, that... 186 00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:53,000 That was the Portuguese revolution, and they came out with guns with carnations in the barrels of the guns. 187 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,000 Yes, because it was called the "Carnation Revolution", wasn't it? 188 00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:57,800 We yield to you; none knows better than you, but isn't it wonderful? 188 00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:02,000 It was that song was used because a man called Salazar, or at least his party, 189 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:07,000 had run Portugal for years and years. He didn't technically style his regime a fascist one, 190 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:13,000 but he certainly gave three days of national mourning when Hitler died, for example, so I think you can call him right-wing. 191 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:16,000 - He wasn't quite Franco but he was pretty well there. - He was pretty close. 192 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:21,700 Bizarrely, though, because he had a stroke. And after his stroke, he was relived of his command, 193 00:17:21,700 --> 00:17:26,000 and a man called Caetano became Prime Minister, but they never told Salazar. 193 00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:29,000 He went to the grave thinking he was still running the country. 194 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:32,000 They just took his power away from him and he still thought he was running... 194 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:35,000 He was signing things, but it was of no importance whatsoever. 195 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:40,000 Well, I think that's... Isn't that... That's a... Isn't that nice? That's such a lovely way of doing it, isn't it? 196 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:45,000 That could be a fantastic scheme for so many dictators! They don't get out much. 197 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:51,000 All you need is the noise of some crowds playing on a tape outside, big office, lots of things to sign... 198 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:58,000 I hope when I go mad that someone pretends I'm in charge of a large country and gives me lots of things to sign, 199 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:01,000 rather than just sedates me and sticks me in front of a window. 200 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:07,000 So, how long do you have to have lived in a country to represent them by singing the song? 201 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,000 - Er, you don't. Because... - Quite right. 202 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:13,000 - Because Celine Dion represented, I think, Switzerland... - Switzerland, yeah, but she's obviously not Swiss. 203 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:14,000 - She's Canadian or something. - Canadian, yeah. 204 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:17,000 - It's a competition between songwriters, isn't it? - It's supposed to be. 205 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:18,000 Supposed to be anyone; it doesn't matter who sings it. 206 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:21,000 So there's an Australian called Johnny Logan who won twice for Ireland. 207 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,000 - That's right. - It's an anagram of "Anglo". 208 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:25,000 - His father was an Irish tenor. - Oh, was he? 209 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:28,000 Yeah, Patrick O'Hagan was Johnny Logan's father. 209 00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:33,000 He used to sing in a very high voice like that all the time, while winking roguishly! 210 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,000 How totally distressing! 211 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:45,000 Well, the one thing we rule in, of course, is language, at least. 211 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:49,000 20 and a half, if you count some songs that are sort of bilingual, 212 00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:52,000 of the 55 winners have been in English. 213 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:56,000 The French got furious this year that their singer chose to sing in English. 214 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:58,000 I know. I love when that happens. 215 00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:02,000 Because they love, you know... It used to be the lingua franca, but it isn't anymore. 216 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:03,000 - No, it isn't. - The world is Anglophone. 217 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:08,200 But isn't it just disgusting they give us such a bad time and they use our language; they should be taxed! 218 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:18,000 - An English tax! I love it. - They should be taxed! In fact, it's... 219 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:24,000 It's a very good source of revenue for us, potentially, all these countries that are so nationalist. 220 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:27,000 - I mean, look at America, the U.S., Australia: they're all so... - On the Internet, they use English. 221 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:31,000 Glorious nationalism, so make up their own bloody language if they wanna borrow ours. 222 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:39,000 Now, the 1974 Portuguese entry "E Depois do Adeus", was used as a signal to start the military coup 223 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:48,000 that overthrew the 42-year-old dictatorship of Antonio Salazar in nineteen seventy-four. So, one of the, few... 224 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:49,000 Five! 225 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:54,000 One of the... Ignore him. So, from one of the few grim regimes without a general involved, 226 00:19:54,000 --> 00:20:01,000 to an absolutely beastly experience with one, in the iron grip of General Ignorance, now. 227 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:04,000 So, can you name the family in Swiss Family Robinsons? 228 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:10,000 - Robinson. - No! No, indeed. 229 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:13,000 No, there is no family called Robinson in Swiss Family Robinson, no. 230 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:18,000 Swiss Family Robinson is a book by a man called Wyss, a Swiss man... 231 00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:20,000 Is it a reference to Robinson Crusoe? 232 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:23,000 It's a reference to Robinson Crusoe; they're the Swiss Robinsons, That's what it is. 232 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:28,000 They don't actually have a surname; they're called Ma and Pa and Ernst and Franz and names like that, 234 00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:31,000 but the weird thing is, there have been films in which they're called the Robinsons. It's just a misapprehension. 235 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:32,600 Are they even Swiss? 236 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,000 Well, they are Swiss. They are Swiss. 237 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:40,000 When it was translated by William Godwin, he called it The Family Robinson Crusoe, 'cause that's the idea. 238 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,000 It was a Robinson Crusoe family, as it were, 238 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:45,000 a family undergoing a Robinson Crusoe experience, which was a good title, 239 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:50,000 and that got mysteriously changed in 1818, four years later, to The Swiss Family Robinson. 340 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:54,000 A third of all the film and TV adaptations have them as being called "Robinson". 341 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:57,000 - I think it... They need a better title altogether, basically. - Yeah. 342 00:20:57,000 --> 00:21:01,000 It's just like a sort of shortening of the pitch isn't it? Swiss-Family-like-Robinson-Crusoe. 343 00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:04,000 - It's a Swiss family meets Robinson Crusoe... - Exactly. 344 00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:08,000 The two most entertaining things we can think of: Robinson Crusoe and a Swiss family. 345 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:13,000 This is dynamite. As long as we can come up with a good title. 346 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:20,000 - Now, What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? - A kylie! 347 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:24,000 - Yes, a "kylie" is exactly what it's called. - A kylie! 348 00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:25,000 - A kylie. - A stick! 349 00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:37,000 - No. Yes, a "kylie" is exactly what it's called. - Yeah. 350 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:41,000 People say, "Well, hang on, surely. Which... Are they called kylies after Kylie Minogue, or whatever, 351 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:45,000 but Kylie was a fairly common girl's name in Australia before Kylie Minogue, 351 00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:49,000 and it is named after that. The boomerang that doesn't come back. 352 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:55,000 I thought they used them to throw them at things but it turns out they throw them behind birds and they think 353 00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:58,000 it's a hunting bird and it drives them towards them with the spears and things. 354 00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:02,000 It drives them towards nets. You're absolutely right. For some reason, birds are spooked by this thing 354 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:06,000 sort of going near them, they think it's a hawk, think it's a hawk or a bird of prey... 355 00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:07,800 Going behind them. And don't try to catch it when it comes back 'cause it will take your hand off. 356 00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:08,300 Ooh, no, you don't. 357 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:15,000 A boomerang that won't come back is a kylie. Most Aboriginal tribes had both returning and non-returning throwing sticks. 358 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:19,000 While we're on the subject, who knows where the word "kangaroo" comes from? 359 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:24,000 I do. When Captain Cook first went to the Antipodes, 359 00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:28,000 nobody had much of an idea what the natives were talking about, you see, 360 00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:35,000 and one of the chaps who worked for Captain Cook... He said, "What is that animal called?" 360 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:40,000 and the Aborigine said to him, "Kangaroo." 361 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:45,000 And it was only several years later when they learnt a bit more of the Aboriginal language 361 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:49,000 that they found that Kangaroo means "I don't know". 362 00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:55,000 No, it's not true. It's not true. Look behind you, there. 363 00:22:56,000 --> 00:23:02,000 I'm so sorry to get you through that, because we knew that you thought that was the case. 363 00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:05,000 It is a commonly-held fallacy. It is sadly not true. 364 00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:11,000 The problem is, the story got twisted, and in fact, gangurru is the Guugu Ymithirr language, 365 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:14,000 and it means a large black or grey kangaroo. 366 00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:22,000 1400 miles inland, when the... Captain Cook's party got... They asked whether there were any kangaroos of a tribe who, 367 00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:26,000 as I say, 1400 miles away: There were 200 Aboriginal languages at this point, 367 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:31,000 and they had no idea what the other language gangurru meant at all. 368 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:36,000 So it got confused and this story arose that it actually was "I don't know", but I'm afraid it isn't true. 369 00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:38,000 - Well, I prefer it. - I prefer your story. 370 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:47,000 We started with old wives' tales; let's end with that old feast of family fun, maths homework. What does this prove? 371 00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:53,000 You may notice it's not written in usual... Mathematical language... 372 00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:56,000 - Yes. - It's... It's not a message from Al Qaeda? 373 00:23:56,000 --> 00:24:00,000 No, it's not! It's written in symbolic logic, if that's of any help to you.... 374 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:04,000 Has it got something about the Portuguese coup starting in '75? 375 00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:10,000 Not about that. Who was the great logician of the 20th century, the great British master of logic and mathematics? 376 00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:12,000 Sorry? Derek Trotter! 377 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:17,000 He was also a great campaigner against nuclear weapons. 378 00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:19,000 - It was Bertrand Russell. - Bertrand Russell, Lord Russell. 379 00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:23,000 - There he is. Bertie Russell. Marvellous figure. - He wasn't... He wasn't a barrel of laughs, was he. 380 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:28,000 They say that his breath was not good. I mean, that's... In the biographies of Canes and his contemporaries 381 00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:30,000 he had very bad breath, but he was a remarkable man. 381 00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:35,000 He wrote Principia Mathematica, which was, a book determined to reinvent maths. 382 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:40,000 'Cause set theory produced all kinds of paradoxes which seemed to suggest that nothing could be proved 383 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:43,000 or complete or consistent in mathematics, which was a huge shock, 383 00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:48,000 and so he had to set out to prove mathematics worked from the very first principles... 384 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,000 - Was he very, very good at sudoku? - He was... 385 00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:54,000 Oddly enough, he was said not to be that good at mental arithmetic, but... 385 00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:58,000 So, in order to prove mathematics from the very beginning, 386 00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:02,000 you have to establish the first principle of arithmetic, and that piece of symbolic logic 386 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,000 was proving that one plus one equals two. 387 00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:09,000 It's a bit late, the 20th century, to prove that. 388 00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:11,000 - I'd say. - Bit late? 386 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:16,000 We've got quite a lot riding by the 20th century on one plus one being two, you know. 387 00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:21,000 Lot of... Quite a lot of engineering happening, a lot... Quite a complex international economy... 388 00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:24,000 If you find out that it doesn't equal two, what do we do? 389 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:33,000 Just burn everything, 'cause God knows, anything could fall on our heads; money, you might as well eat it; forget civilisation. 390 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:37,000 Well, there is a general thought that if the... What was considered to be the sound foundations 391 00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:39,000 on which all mathematics rested 391 00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:43,000 were proved to be rocky, that it may mean that some of the ultimate answers of the universe 392 00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:48,000 will never be answered. But it's rather splendid to think you would give so much effort into proving one plus one... 393 00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:50,000 - What an extraordinary achievement. - It is. 394 00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:55,000 - I mean, you just have to bring up his halitosis! - I know that was silly of me but... I love that... He was a great... 395 00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:58,000 I mean, you know... It comes to something when you think you've achieved that in life... 396 00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:00,000 - Imagine meeting him at a party, though. - Old Stinky Russell... 397 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:08,000 "I met this bloke at a party; he stank, and when I asked him what he did, he said he'd proved that one plus one equals two." 398 00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:21,000 But it's very important. It's a very important principle to understand is that you can be gossipy about someone's private hygiene 399 00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:26,000 and think they are one of the greatest and most towering intellectual heroes that you could ever worship at. 399 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:28,000 The two don't rule each other out. 400 00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:31,000 Similarly, you can say that someone has very nice breath who is an idiot. 401 00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:36,000 Exactly right. Precisely the point. But Bertie was a great man and we should be proud of him. 402 00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:41,000 - "Bertie" to you. - "Bertie". Bertie Russell. So, anyway, there we were. 403 00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:46,000 We were looking at Bertrand Russell's proof that one plus one equals two, and let's see if our scorers know that, 404 00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:52,000 'cause as our collective grandmothers almost certainly warned us, all good things must come to an end, 404 00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:54,000 so it's now time to add up the final scores. 405 00:26:54,000 --> 00:27:01,000 My word, my word, my word, my word. This week's big bag of jelly babies, as it happens, with plus five, 406 00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:07,000 - goes to Ronni! Ronni Ancona is our winner. - Thank you very much. Thank you. 407 00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:14,000 We offer a consolatory sherbet dab to David Mitchell, with plus three. 408 00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:26,000 And with minus six points, in third place, a liquorice bootlace to Alan Davies. 409 00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:37,000 Oh, dear. But I'm afraid, boys and girls, that on the QI naughty step tonight, with minus nine, 410 00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:39,000 Sir Terry Wogan. 411 00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:55,000 Is this because I pointed out the error in... 1975? 412 00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:59,000 Oh-ho-ho! We wouldn't be so mean or so low. 413 00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:03,000 So, children, that's it. Before we all climb the wooden hill to Bedfordshire, 413 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:05,000 it's "good night" from Terry, David, Ronni and Alan, and me, 414 00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:09,000 and we leave you with a final piece of homespun wisdom from George Burns: 415 00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:15,000 "Happiness is having a large, caring close-knit family in another city." Good night.