1 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:38,500 Ho-ho, ho, ho-ho-ho-ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. 2 00:00:38,500 --> 00:00:43,300 God rest ye merry, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to QI. 3 00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:48,800 Dust of the snow, take of your hats, scarves and trousers, and join me as we gather round the flickering flames 4 00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:53,500 of fact and fallacy, to examine the subjects of fire and freezing. 5 00:00:53,500 --> 00:00:59,500 And helping me to stoke the embers, and rummage excitedly in my stockings tonight, we have four festive fellows, 6 00:00:59,500 --> 00:01:03,500 it's a baptism of fire for Dom Joly... 7 00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:11,500 And... Crackling and sparking on all cylinders, Clive Anderson! 8 00:01:16,500 --> 00:01:22,500 Come home to a real fire; buy a cottage i Wales, in the company of Rob Brydon! 9 00:01:25,500 --> 00:01:26,500 - Good evening. - Good evening. 10 00:01:27,500 --> 00:01:31,800 And hiding under the bed clothes, playing with matches, Alan Davies. 11 00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:34,800 Thank you. 12 00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:45,500 Let it snow, let it snow, and let us know, what YOU know, but before the party games begin, gentlemen, 13 00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:48,500 I have to ask you to jingle your bells. Dom goes... 14 00:01:49,500 --> 00:01:53,500 "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..." 14 00:01:53,500 --> 00:01:54,500 Nice! 15 00:01:54,500 --> 00:01:55,500 Clive goes... 16 00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:58,500 "Come on baby, light my fire..." 17 00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:04,500 Rob goes... 18 00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:09,500 "I am the god of hellfire!!! And I bring you, fire..." 19 00:02:11,500 --> 00:02:12,500 There's a fiery theme, isn't there? 20 00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:13,500 And Alan goes... 21 00:02:14,500 --> 00:02:17,500 "Alan, you're a bloody disgrace. You're fired!" 22 00:02:18,500 --> 00:02:20,500 You're fired! Oh no! 23 00:02:21,300 --> 00:02:22,800 How disappointing. 24 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:23,700 So... 25 00:02:28,500 --> 00:02:36,500 Now, here's one way to use fire; Indian smoke signals. Can you tell me what they're saying here? 26 00:02:37,500 --> 00:02:41,500 They do that... They did actually... This is not gonna turn out to be some myth of that they never did smoke signals? 27 00:02:41,500 --> 00:02:44,500 No, indeed, you might've expected this, but they find this quite genuine. 28 00:02:44,500 --> 00:02:49,500 It's considered probably the first language of North America was smoke signals. 29 00:02:49,500 --> 00:02:55,500 What makes that different? I... I don't see the subtleties of it... From just a bit of smoke. 30 00:02:56,300 --> 00:02:59,500 All you need to have, is a bit of smoke, and then; not smoke. D'you see what I mean? 31 00:02:59,500 --> 00:03:05,500 If you left it alone, you'd get a column of smoke. But, what they do is, they do puffs of smoke, 32 00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:09,500 by having animal skins, not blankets, oddly enough. Everyone used to think it was blankets, I think. 33 00:03:09,500 --> 00:03:15,500 But, animal skins that you take away, and the can create immensely complicated... Even V shapes, and things like that, 34 00:03:15,500 --> 00:03:16,500 using the blankets. 35 00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:20,500 Is this the same thing they do at the Vatican, with the Pope? Or is it just... 36 00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:23,500 - Except a lot smaller, with a lot simpler language... - A very simple language... 37 00:03:24,500 --> 00:03:25,500 It's either white or black. 38 00:03:25,500 --> 00:03:26,500 - That's right. - Yeah. 39 00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:30,500 They used to add wet straw to make it black, if they couldn't find... A pope. 40 00:03:30,500 --> 00:03:31,500 Black is what? For an African pope? 41 00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:37,500 It's not being able to... They have to tell the populous assembled at Saint Peter's Square, 42 00:03:37,500 --> 00:03:38,500 whether or not they've come to a decision. 43 00:03:38,500 --> 00:03:41,800 Since they've banned smoking in the Vatican, quite a lot of people hang out the window for a fag, 44 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:43,500 and it causes whole sorts of trouble. 45 00:03:45,500 --> 00:03:49,500 Who would imagine, catholic priest hanging out for a fag? It seems so unlikely. 46 00:03:55,500 --> 00:03:59,500 If we run the film on. In fact, it's... Two puffs, that they give here. 47 00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:02,500 - That's, "How-how" - "How-how". 48 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:06,500 - And two puffs means... "All is well", apparently. - Yes. 50 00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:07,500 Which means "everything's okay". 51 00:04:08,500 --> 00:04:11,500 - Looks more like a question mark there, doesn't it? - I does, actually. You're right. 52 00:04:11,500 --> 00:04:13,200 Do they do grammar, or...? 53 00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:21,500 They should've got one of those light aircraft that can write in the sky. That's a simple purchase. 54 00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:22,500 - What? "Free drinks"? - A word... 55 00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:23,500 Like that! 56 00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:25,500 You see? They where there ahead of you. 57 00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:27,500 - They got good, didn't they? - They did. 58 00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:34,500 The... The one before... I don't know if we can go back to it... But, the one before, uhm, yes we can. That one there... 59 00:04:34,500 --> 00:04:36,500 - Would you say... You say means "all is well"? - Yeah 60 00:04:36,500 --> 00:04:42,500 But of course, that could so easily be the aftermath of these Indians home, going up in flames. 61 00:04:42,500 --> 00:04:45,500 They'd... They'd look over the hill and go, "D'you think that's... D'you think that's your place?" 62 00:04:45,500 --> 00:04:49,800 "No, no, no. It says 'all is well'. It's fine!" And just carry on their way. 63 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:53,500 - You're right. It is confusing, yeah. - But we used to do that, with these signal bonfires, didn't we? 64 00:04:53,500 --> 00:04:55,500 - That went across the country with... - Absolutely right. 65 00:04:55,500 --> 00:04:58,500 But as I say, beacons, it's the same problem there; it might be "Oh look, there's an invasion", 66 00:04:58,500 --> 00:05:02,500 or it could just be the Great Fire of London's happening, and... Bring water. 67 00:05:02,500 --> 00:05:05,500 Or if you accidentally set fire to your beacon, that would be a disaster. 68 00:05:05,500 --> 00:05:07,500 - Yeah. - Was that before or after e-mail? 69 00:05:09,500 --> 00:05:11,500 - Eh, close... - Yeah. Yeah. 70 00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:15,500 - They where spamming then, you'd get endless... Streams... - Yes. 71 00:05:15,500 --> 00:05:17,800 - "Do you want a bigger cock?" - What about... 72 00:05:19,500 --> 00:05:22,500 - Unbelieveable... - How do you get a bigger cock? Slapping it around like that? 73 00:05:24,500 --> 00:05:27,500 I think, with me, it would have the opposite effect. To be honest. I think I'll find it back in my shell. 74 00:05:27,500 --> 00:05:30,500 - I think you'll find that it works for a while... - Does it? 75 00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:36,500 Oh, heavens. Yes, well anyway. Indian smoke signals varied from time to time, and place to place. 76 00:05:36,500 --> 00:05:40,500 But, one puff generally meant just "hello". 77 00:05:40,500 --> 00:05:43,500 Now, we can all take our hats off. As I ask another question. 78 00:05:44,500 --> 00:05:48,500 So, we've provided you with a more sophisticated signalling device. Which you've got in front of you, in fact. 79 00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:55,500 And we've given you a little booklet about each. Dom, why don't you try flirting with Rob? 80 00:05:55,500 --> 00:06:01,500 Based on this, 'cause what they've got in front of them, ladies and gentlemen, is that they have a little booklet... 81 00:06:02,500 --> 00:06:05,500 They have a little booklet, describing the language of fans. 82 00:06:05,500 --> 00:06:10,500 - What are you saying, Dom? - I'll tell you... I'll tell you what he's saying... 83 00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:14,500 He is saying... "I'm having a fit, the tablets are in my top pocket." 84 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:18,500 No, he's saying... Ah, okay. Oh! My God! 85 00:06:18,500 --> 00:06:20,800 - "I love another." - Yes! "I love another." 86 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:22,500 - Oh my! - It's not very nice. 87 00:06:22,500 --> 00:06:25,500 - Oh, he's looking at Alan. Right, okay. - "Not that chap next to you." 88 00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:27,500 - As you se, it's a very complex... - And I'm doing... 89 00:06:28,500 --> 00:06:30,500 "Do not betray our secret." 90 00:06:33,500 --> 00:06:35,500 - I... I've got one for you. - Yeah. 91 00:06:35,500 --> 00:06:37,500 - Ready? - Yeah. 92 00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:40,500 Slow closing... 93 00:06:41,500 --> 00:06:45,100 Shu... Oh! "I promise to marry you!" Thank you! 94 00:06:45,500 --> 00:06:48,500 But, um, do you know anything about the language of fans, where it came from? 95 00:06:48,500 --> 00:06:50,500 What time... There was such a thing as a language of fans? 96 00:06:50,500 --> 00:06:52,500 I'm guessing it was from Belgium. 97 00:06:52,500 --> 00:06:54,500 - From Belgium? - Yeah. 98 00:06:54,500 --> 00:06:56,500 - Well, you're not far of, actually. - Really? 99 00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:57,500 I'd say it's from Yorkshire. 100 00:06:58,500 --> 00:07:01,500 No... A little further... "Can you imagine that...?" 101 00:07:04,500 --> 00:07:06,800 What if you're just a bit hot, and you go flapping, and you suddenly realise you're saying, 102 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:08,500 "Hello! I love you! Come over here!" 103 00:07:10,500 --> 00:07:11,500 Exactly, "Do you swallow?" 104 00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:15,500 - Sorry... - What? 105 00:07:15,500 --> 00:07:18,500 What's gone in to you... What's gone in to you tonight, Stephen? 106 00:07:18,500 --> 00:07:20,500 - It's Christmas... It's Christmas. - Yes. 107 00:07:20,500 --> 00:07:24,500 I've got the Christmas Spirit in me, I'm very sorry. And I promise... 108 00:07:24,500 --> 00:07:25,500 And who's that come from? 109 00:07:25,500 --> 00:07:27,500 Usually, you are the ones who drag the... And I just thought of... 110 00:07:27,500 --> 00:07:30,500 And if it nose dives into the carnal, it's gonna be my fault tonight. 111 00:07:31,500 --> 00:07:36,500 No, actually, the thing about the language of fans, is that fans, you're quite right, did come over from China to Europe, 112 00:07:36,500 --> 00:07:42,500 via Italy, as so much did after Marco Polo. But in fact, that it was a very... Quite a late nineteenth century invention, 113 00:07:42,500 --> 00:07:46,500 there was a French fan house; a maker of fans called Duvelleroy, 114 00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:50,500 and they produced little booklets with this language of fans, 114 00:07:50,500 --> 00:07:52,500 - In order to try and make it a sort of... - A French fan house? 115 00:07:52,500 --> 00:07:54,500 Is that a euphemism of something? 116 00:07:55,500 --> 00:07:58,500 "Maison de ventilateurs", I don't know, maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. 117 00:07:58,500 --> 00:08:01,500 It took over from the language of the baguette. Which was... 118 00:08:02,500 --> 00:08:05,500 - Which was in use before... - A rather more basic language, exactly. 119 00:08:05,500 --> 00:08:11,500 Um, yeah! So there we are. Fans... Obviously, every lady had a fan, in those days in the... 18th and 19th centuries. 120 00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:17,500 But in order... I think, to help the sales of their fans, they... They invented this language. Basically. The language of the fan. 121 00:08:17,500 --> 00:08:20,500 Now, what happened to the fireman's pole? 122 00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:26,500 He tiled the fireman's bathroom. 123 00:08:32,500 --> 00:08:33,500 Very good! 124 00:08:34,500 --> 00:08:35,500 Very good. 125 00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:44,500 How much does it save to go down a pole? They've got to drive half the way across... Across the town anyway, to get there. 126 00:08:44,500 --> 00:08:45,500 - That's true. - So, half a second of the... 127 00:08:45,500 --> 00:08:46,500 Just walk down the stairs. 128 00:08:46,500 --> 00:08:50,500 - Why don't they have a slide, like in the park? - Oh, that would be fun. 129 00:08:50,500 --> 00:08:52,500 They could get a swirly slide, or even a waterslide. 130 00:08:52,500 --> 00:08:55,500 - It would be good way of getting young firemen in, wouldn't it? - Yeah. 131 00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:58,500 Getting them trained. There's probably a health and safety thing, I would imagine. 132 00:09:00,500 --> 00:09:02,500 - Oh, Dom! - Is it ringing? 133 00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:06,500 - No, health and safety... - "Health and safety gone mad." 134 00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:08,500 - That's the new political correctness gone mad. - Yeah. 135 00:09:08,500 --> 00:09:12,500 There was... A series of stories in the newspapers, that like, essentially, just to make things up. 136 00:09:12,500 --> 00:09:14,500 In order to get us all angry in the morning. 136 00:09:14,500 --> 00:09:19,500 They claimed that, you know, firemen's poles where taken out because health and safety... 137 00:09:19,500 --> 00:09:21,500 - And it's just nonsense. - "It's absurd!" 138 00:09:21,500 --> 00:09:22,500 - It's the whole reason... - Ridiculous... 139 00:09:22,500 --> 00:09:25,500 Most new fire stations are built on one floor, so they don't arise. 140 00:09:25,500 --> 00:09:29,500 But the old ones, where they exist, they're there. And if they build one with two floors, they get their poles. 141 00:09:29,500 --> 00:09:31,500 - But, surely. That's the main reason you become a fireman. - It is, yeah! 142 00:09:31,500 --> 00:09:35,500 You go down the pole. It's not like, "I wanna be a fireman, so that I might die in a fire." 143 00:09:35,500 --> 00:09:41,500 It's "I wanna go down the pole, and maybe one night, I'll bring a special friend back and show her the pole and..." 144 00:09:41,500 --> 00:09:44,500 - Yeah, you're actually right, in fact... - You demand an extra floor on the fire station, 145 00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:46,500 that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. So... 146 00:09:46,500 --> 00:09:49,500 D'you know where the longest pole is in Europe? Fireman's pole. 147 00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:52,500 And how long would you think it might be? What's the maximum length? 148 00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:53,500 48 feet, I would guess. 149 00:09:53,500 --> 00:09:55,500 - That's not... - 64 feet. 150 00:09:55,500 --> 00:09:59,500 No... 40 foot, actually. There's a 40 footer in Birmingham, and it's the biggest in Europe. 151 00:09:59,500 --> 00:10:00,500 That's the limit, is it? 152 00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:03,500 - There may be a bigger one in America, I believe. - That must be terrifying. That's really quite high up. 153 00:10:03,500 --> 00:10:04,500 It is, really quite high. 40 foot, yeah. 154 00:10:04,500 --> 00:10:07,500 Well, you're really gonna take the skin of your hands by the time you get of it. 155 00:10:07,500 --> 00:10:10,500 You picture that squeaky noise, that makes your teeth go on edge... 156 00:10:10,500 --> 00:10:13,500 - They talk up, like... - They should do. Shouldn't they? 157 00:10:13,500 --> 00:10:15,500 Do they teach a technique of coming down a pole? 158 00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:18,500 Is it just hands? 'Cause the all seem to be doing... 159 00:10:18,500 --> 00:10:20,500 - I think the thighs have to exert pressure. - Do they do a knee grip? 160 00:10:20,500 --> 00:10:22,500 I must say, they're a hell of a lot of fire-fighters... 161 00:10:24,500 --> 00:10:28,500 The driver of the fire engine is there going, "No, I can't go yet. I've got to wait 'till they're all in." 162 00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:31,500 Meanwhile, a whole family is burning to death... 163 00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:36,500 Well, apparently, it's because they sometimes, literally, are still pulling on their trousers, 164 00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:39,500 and they're running downstairs doing that, and of course, it's much more dangerous 165 00:10:39,500 --> 00:10:43,500 than doing it down a pole, where you can just sort of, hold them up and go down the pole and put them on, 166 00:10:43,500 --> 00:10:46,500 'cause you really are... Obviously, very second can save a life. 167 00:10:46,500 --> 00:10:50,500 I don't understand why, the firemen always are completely caught out by the fact that there's... 168 00:10:50,500 --> 00:10:53,500 - Yeah. "What!? A fire!?" - Exactly. "Oh my God!" 169 00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:56,500 "Quick! Quick!" All undressed... 170 00:10:56,500 --> 00:11:02,500 Where the poles... Where the poles always made out of shiny metal? Or where there early versions that splintered and... 171 00:11:02,500 --> 00:11:04,500 Oh! Nasty! 172 00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:07,500 - Well, they must have experimented with... Materials. - A flammable pole? That would be absurd! 173 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:11,500 They would all be stuck up there with the pole on fire. No one to put it out... 174 00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:14,500 It was insurance companies that invented fire... Firemen. 175 00:11:14,500 --> 00:11:18,500 You're absolutely right! I think you should get some points there, Clive. 'Cause you're completely correct. 176 00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:23,500 Things like The Sun, was one of the biggest, now Royal Sun Alliance, started as a fire insurance company. 177 00:11:23,500 --> 00:11:28,500 And, what would happen was, you'd pay the insurance to the company, and they would send you a brass plaque, 178 00:11:28,500 --> 00:11:31,500 which you would set into the wall of your house. 179 00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:35,500 So if there was a fire, what tended to happen, was that lots of different brigades came, 180 00:11:35,500 --> 00:11:39,500 from different insurance companies, and they read the plaque, and if you hadn't paid, they wouldn't put your fire out. 181 00:11:39,500 --> 00:11:44,500 Unless you happened to be next to someone else who had, because, you know, if you've got a fire, 182 00:11:44,500 --> 00:11:46,500 the chances are, the fire would spread to them. 183 00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:48,500 I think that is one of the worst things I could imagine, is that your house is on fire, 184 00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:50,500 - and they turn up, and won't put it out. - I know, can you imagine that? 185 00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:53,500 - That would make me annoyed. - Would they stay and kind of, roast marshmallows, 186 00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:56,500 - or would they just drive straight off? - They stand with the hose, and they'd go... 187 00:11:57,500 --> 00:12:00,500 Or they could stand there with water pouring out the other way... 188 00:12:02,500 --> 00:12:06,500 "Since we're here; If you pay for the next time, we might as well collect now." 189 00:12:07,500 --> 00:12:10,500 It's not the fire that kills people, and if you're aware of this... 190 00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:11,500 - Fire doesn't kill people? - No. 191 00:12:11,500 --> 00:12:16,500 Well, it does, Clive, of course. You're not gonna tie me up in legal lee's here. 192 00:12:17,500 --> 00:12:22,500 I'm not gonna get all heated up, which is what you want to happen! I'm going to stay very calm. 193 00:12:22,500 --> 00:12:26,500 He didn't say "fire doesn't kill people", he said, "it's not the fire that kills people." 194 00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:28,500 - Your Lord... Your Lordship is absolutely right... - Thank you. 195 00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:32,500 But I was just exploring this... 196 00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:35,500 The notion... That fire wasn't in some way deadly. 197 00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:39,500 - It's not the fire, that kills the people... - Generally speaking. 198 00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:42,500 It's a by-product to the fire, and I wonder if any of you know what that might be? 199 00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:45,500 - Is it smoke? - Is it flame? 200 00:12:45,500 --> 00:12:47,500 Is it... Is it the Slinky? 201 00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:50,500 - It's not the Slinky, Stephen. It was a wild try... - No, that was a wild guess. 202 00:12:50,500 --> 00:12:56,500 Uh, Clive, you where right. Smoke. It's the smoke. And what happens, is... 203 00:12:56,500 --> 00:13:00,500 Smoke doesn't burn you, so I know what you're thinking. "Well, how on Earth could... Could..." 204 00:13:01,500 --> 00:13:07,500 No, what smoke does, and this is where it gets interesting; It chokes you. And if we choke, what can't we do...? 205 00:13:08,500 --> 00:13:10,500 - Breathe. We can't breathe. - We can't breathe. 206 00:13:10,500 --> 00:13:12,500 And if we can't breathe, what do we do...? Dom? 207 00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:15,500 - We die. - We die! Yes. 208 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:26,500 There's a thing called a flashpoint, in which... Naw, I don't know where I learnt this, might have been in a film... 209 00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:31,500 Or it might have been from a really terrifying fire safety talk we where given in primary school... 210 00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:37,500 Which we would... One thing I really I remember about that, is that when you strike a match, strike it away from you... 211 00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:38,500 - Yes. - 'Cause, otherwise, the head will come of, 212 00:13:38,500 --> 00:13:41,500 - and set light to you, particularly if you're a granny. - Whoa! 213 00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:45,500 And they told us some story about someone's grandma who had burned to death. 214 00:13:45,500 --> 00:13:50,500 Because urine... Urine is flammable. If it stays on clothing... This is true! 215 00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:56,500 This is true! There's something in your urine, if it stays on your clothes long enough. It becomes flammable. 216 00:13:57,500 --> 00:14:00,500 So, grandmothers who aren't well maintained... It's true! 217 00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:03,500 - Particularly, vulnerable to the flying head of a match. - Particularly vulnerable to an arsonist. 218 00:14:04,500 --> 00:14:09,500 That's a measure of how mean people are. They won't even pee on you if you're... On fire! 219 00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:11,500 - That's an Australian phrase, isn't it? - Yes! 220 00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:13,500 - "I wouldn't piss up his arse, if his kidneys where on fire." - Exactly! 221 00:14:15,500 --> 00:14:20,500 Well, wonderful. Thank you for all that information about fire and smoke and what goodness knows, what else. 222 00:14:20,500 --> 00:14:24,500 Now, what's the worst thing you can do if you're a fire eater? 223 00:14:25,500 --> 00:14:31,500 Well, there are... There are vegetarian restaurants, aren't there? Where you can't get meat. 224 00:14:31,500 --> 00:14:34,500 - Yes...? All vegetarian restaurants, I think... - So, if you are a fire eater... 225 00:14:34,500 --> 00:14:35,500 - Yes. - Qualify... 226 00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:39,500 Nothing wrong with that sentence so far... But... 227 00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:42,500 - There are vegetarian restaurants, where you can't get meat? - Yes. 228 00:14:43,500 --> 00:14:49,500 To quote the great John... John Cleese; "Thank you for your specialist subject; the bleeding obvious." 229 00:14:51,500 --> 00:14:55,500 You know about... You've heard about these, apparently vegetarian restaurants, that don't serve meat... 230 00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:59,500 I was... Established, what I though was an uncontroversial point, that in vegetarian restaurant, you can't get meat, can't eat meat, 231 00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:01,500 - 'cause they don't serve meat. - No, they don't. I believe that's right. 232 00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:07,500 So... There may be restaurants that don't serve fire. So, if you're a fire eater, 233 00:15:07,500 --> 00:15:09,500 there would be no point in going to these restaurants... 234 00:15:10,500 --> 00:15:14,500 And ordering fire. This is... A simple point I was trying to make, but I was interrupted, rather, along the way. 235 00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:17,500 - "I'll have a nice plate of fire, please." - Yes. 236 00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:18,500 And that wouldn't work. 237 00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:23,500 I would've thought, at a Christmas event. If a fire eater was thinking, "I'm showing my family this skill", 238 00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:25,500 and there was a urine soaked granny... 239 00:15:27,500 --> 00:15:31,500 Who'd been brought out the home, just for the day, for Christmas. That would probably not be the... 240 00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:35,500 The time to say, "So, what are you up to now... Bruno?" 241 00:15:38,500 --> 00:15:40,500 Well, basically, I mean, I don't know if you know much about fire eating. 242 00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:45,500 There isn't much to know. What you see is what they do. It really is as bad as it looks. I mean, they... 243 00:15:45,500 --> 00:15:48,500 Mostly have mouths filled with blisters and ulcers, its a very unpleasant thing to do. 244 00:15:48,500 --> 00:15:50,500 - Do you eat the fire... - And they... 245 00:15:50,500 --> 00:15:54,500 They hurt themselves. Basically, what you shouldn't do is breathe in. They have this condition, "fire eaters' lung", 246 00:15:54,500 --> 00:15:59,500 which is, obviously, as you can imagine, an absolutely horrific condition. And... 247 00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:02,500 - Like farmers' lung, only there is no subsidy. - Exactly. 248 00:16:02,500 --> 00:16:04,500 So, basically, it's fire spitting? 249 00:16:04,500 --> 00:16:05,500 - Rather than fire eating. - Yeah, and that's... 250 00:16:05,500 --> 00:16:08,500 No matter how careful they are, they ingest the lighter fluid which is toxic. 251 00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:12,500 What if you had plastic false teeth, or wooden false teeth, which I think we've discussed on this programme... 252 00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:14,500 - Yes, we did. - That would be a disaster, 'cause they would catch fire... 253 00:16:14,500 --> 00:16:16,500 They would catch fire, that would be awful. 254 00:16:16,500 --> 00:16:18,500 - The smoke... - The smoke would then... 255 00:16:18,500 --> 00:16:19,500 - The smoke. - Yeah. 256 00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:21,500 Which would... Apparently, the fumes... 257 00:16:21,500 --> 00:16:23,500 It wouldn't be the fire, you see... 258 00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:28,500 But, anyway, the perhaps most important piece of advice to a fire eater is, "do not inhale". 259 00:16:28,500 --> 00:16:32,500 Now, it's time to retire from the fire, and brave the cold. 260 00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:39,500 Now, what are the advantages and disadvantages of a mile-long aircraft carrier made from ice and sawdust? 261 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,500 Ah! Radar. 262 00:16:42,500 --> 00:16:47,500 I put it to you, that... Um... Move on, move on... 263 00:16:48,500 --> 00:16:52,500 - No, you've got a good point, there! - 'Cause I was wondering... You see... 364 00:16:52,500 --> 00:16:55,500 I was wondering if, they are undetectable by radar? 365 00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:59,500 It's a nice thought, I don't think that's true, the size they where planned, 366 00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:05,500 and this was a genuine plan, in Britain, by a man called Pyke. After whom the substance is named, and its a mix... 367 00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:08,500 I know! "Don't tell them your name, Pyke!" I know, it's a... 368 00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:10,500 His name is "Pike", with a Y. And... 369 00:17:10,500 --> 00:17:16,500 The substance is known as "pykrete". It's stronger than steel. I'm not kidding you! It's just ice... 370 00:17:16,500 --> 00:17:18,500 - Until the temperature goes up! - Well, no! But that's the other thing, you see, 371 00:17:18,500 --> 00:17:25,500 It doesn't melt! They tested for a whole summer in a lake, and it didn't melt. Mountbatten was obsessed by the idea, 372 00:17:25,500 --> 00:17:27,500 and he took a lump of it, in to see Churchill, 372 00:17:27,500 --> 00:17:31,500 and the story goes: Churchill was in his bath, Churchill often took meetings in his bath, 373 00:17:31,500 --> 00:17:36,500 and the threw it into his bath and said, "There, Winston!" And Churchill watched in his hot bath, and it didn't melt, 374 00:17:36,500 --> 00:17:39,500 this piece of ice. It did not melt. It stayed... 375 00:17:39,500 --> 00:17:41,500 - Frozen. - But, because it landed on his nuts... 376 00:17:42,500 --> 00:17:44,500 - You'd say... - He said, "I'm not going ahead with that." 377 00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:49,500 Well, the idea was to build aircraft carriers, literally with guns on them. 378 00:17:50,500 --> 00:17:55,500 That was the plan, I mean it seems absolutely barking, I agree. But, it was only the Normandy landings, 379 00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:57,500 that stopped us from building such things. 380 00:17:57,500 --> 00:17:58,500 - That looked... - Yeah. 381 00:17:58,500 --> 00:18:03,500 The picture... Of course, looks like the cover of... Of a magazine, where they might say, 382 00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:09,500 "If you like ice, and you like aircraft carriers, you'll love 'Iced Aircraft Carrier Monthly'". 383 00:18:10,500 --> 00:18:12,500 "It builds up into a wonderful collection." 384 00:18:13,500 --> 00:18:18,500 Glad to say; I DO like ice, and I like aircraft carriers, and I do get that magazine, and that's not an aircraft carrier. 385 00:18:18,500 --> 00:18:21,500 - That's a destroyer. - You're right. That is a destroyer. Thank you! 386 00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:22,500 Very good! 387 00:18:25,500 --> 00:18:29,500 Absolutely right. Actually, that is no kind of aircraft carrier, is it? 388 00:18:29,500 --> 00:18:31,500 - There's no magazine for those people. - I'll tell you something else; 389 00:18:31,500 --> 00:18:36,500 it's not the aircraft carrier that'll kill you... It's the destroyer. 390 00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:44,500 Anyway, the 300 foot wide, 2000 foot long, Mid-Atlantic runways, would have contained giant refrigerators 391 00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:50,500 to keep the ice ship cool, holes in a pykrete ship, could be repaired by using sea water. 392 00:18:50,500 --> 00:18:54,500 And the icy aircraft carrier was also designed to be able to immobilise enemy warships 392 00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:56,500 by spraying them with supercooled water. 393 00:18:56,500 --> 00:19:00,500 Was this the idea of Professor Pat Pending, from The Wacky Racers? 394 00:19:02,500 --> 00:19:08,500 Anyway, um, during World War II, plans really where drawn out for a huge aircraft carrier made from pykrete. 395 00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:12,500 Now! As we're in the Christmas spirit, let's have a little sing-song. 396 00:19:12,500 --> 00:19:19,500 What's everybody's favourite bit in the traditional song, "The twelve days of Christmas"? Which is your favourite bit? 397 00:19:19,500 --> 00:19:20,500 "Lords leaping". 398 00:19:20,500 --> 00:19:23,500 - I... For me, it's the gold rings. - Yeah! 399 00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:27,500 Everyone knows that. "Fiiive gooold riiiiiings..." 400 00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:34,500 - What was that? - How could that be wrong? If you're asking what HIS favourite... 401 00:19:34,500 --> 00:19:36,500 - He's... He's leading the witness. - Oh yeah? 402 00:19:37,500 --> 00:19:43,500 No, I asked what his favourite bit was in the 'traditional' English song, and it's not traditional. It's a recent addition. 403 00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:49,500 There's a man called Austin, who wrote that arrangement, in which it went, "Five goooold rings", 404 00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:53,500 and that bit alone, is copywrited and belongs to Novello, and you pay for... 405 00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:56,500 - Allright, so we've just blown the BBC's budget. - The whole BBC's budget. 406 00:19:56,500 --> 00:20:02,500 It's like "Happy Birthday to you", you can't sing, or whatever, in films. 'Cause if you do, you have to pay enormous royalties, 407 00:20:02,500 --> 00:20:04,500 because the lyrics are still not in public domain. 408 00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:11,500 I was told at school, that it was code... It was supposed to be an "ede mémoire" to something, but I don't know what. 409 00:20:11,500 --> 00:20:16,500 Well, there are these games you can play, that are like; ehm, "In my trunk, I'm going to pack", 410 00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:19,500 and the first person says, "A pair of swimming trunks", and the second one says, 411 00:20:19,500 --> 00:20:23,500 "A pair of swimming trunks, and a book", so it's that thing, it's a memory thing, and there's a version I played 412 00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:28,500 called, "Christopher Biggins has up his bottom tonight", where you have to... And you have to remember the person... 413 00:20:28,500 --> 00:20:30,500 You go, "Christopher Biggins has up his bottom tonight..." 414 00:20:30,500 --> 00:20:33,500 And you go, "Arnold Schwarzenegger", and then the next person says, 415 00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:35,500 "Christopher Biggins has up his bottom tonight, Arnold Schwarzenegger", 416 00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:38,500 and it has to begin with the last letter of Arnold Schwarzenegger, and, eh... 147 00:20:38,500 --> 00:20:41,500 - Rodney Bewes! - Rodney Bewes. Exactly! 148 00:20:41,500 --> 00:20:46,500 Christopher Biggins has up his bottom tonight, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rodney Bewes, and the next person goes, 149 00:20:46,500 --> 00:20:48,500 - Christopher Biggins has up his bottom tonight... - Steve Davis, the snooker player! 150 00:20:48,500 --> 00:20:49,500 Brilliant! 151 00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:53,500 And... And you go on until you can't remember, and you get a huge list... 152 00:20:53,500 --> 00:20:54,500 Simon Schama! 153 00:20:56,500 --> 00:20:59,500 - You usually find that Christopher... - Anthony Andrews! 154 00:21:00,500 --> 00:21:04,500 Christopher is astoundingly accommodating, that's the great thing about the game. 154 00:21:04,500 --> 00:21:06,500 And it goes on... It's a fun party game... 155 00:21:06,500 --> 00:21:08,500 - Yeah - I can't recommend it highly enough! 156 00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:11,500 Is this why he was made king of the jungle? For this... For this particular skill? 157 00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:17,500 Well, the fact is, the song "The twelve days of Christmas" is a traditional, non-copyright song, 158 00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:24,500 with the exception of "five gooold rings", which was added by Frederic Austin, and is owned by Novello & Co Ltd. 159 00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:29,500 And with that, we lash out of the frying pan of knowledge, only to descend into the fearsome inferno 160 00:21:29,500 --> 00:21:34,500 of the fire and brimstone we call, General Ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, please. 161 00:21:34,500 --> 00:21:36,500 What happens when you blow out the candles on your birthday cake? 162 00:21:37,500 --> 00:21:38,500 "You're fired!" 163 00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:43,500 It was the first time that... 164 00:21:45,500 --> 00:21:47,500 Uhm, you make a wish. 165 00:21:47,500 --> 00:21:50,500 - Well, hmm, yeah! - Hah! Gotcha! 166 00:21:52,500 --> 00:21:55,500 You edge a little closer to the grave. 'Cause, wasn't it Richard Burton who said that, 167 00:21:55,500 --> 00:22:02,500 "When a baby... When a baby cries its first cries, as it is born, it's crying out, knowing..." Shut up! 167 00:22:02,500 --> 00:22:03,500 "Knowing..." 168 00:22:09,500 --> 00:22:12,500 You wouldn't know a good impression if it sat on your face! 169 00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:18,500 "That the baby, when he cries upon birth, he's crying, fully knowledged..." 170 00:22:18,500 --> 00:22:20,500 I can't remember the rest of it, but something... 171 00:22:23,500 --> 00:22:27,500 Anyway... Uhm, yes, no, obviously. People make wishes, and things like that. But, uh, 178 00:22:27,500 --> 00:22:29,500 why does the flame extinguish when you blow it out? 179 00:22:29,500 --> 00:22:35,500 You blow the flame of the wick, and it's then disconnected, harmlessly into the air... And it goes out. 180 00:22:35,500 --> 00:22:37,500 - It's like an Indian smoke signal. - Yeah! 181 00:22:37,500 --> 00:22:40,500 There are three things that keeps it alight, right? One... 182 00:22:40,500 --> 00:22:41,500 - Oxygen. - Oxygen is one. 183 00:22:41,500 --> 00:22:43,500 - Heat. - Heat is the other. 184 00:22:43,500 --> 00:22:45,500 - Wick. - And the fuel that it needs to get... 185 00:22:45,500 --> 00:22:52,500 So, you simply remove it from the heat, but if you had a wick, made of something that burns at a very low temperature, 186 00:22:52,500 --> 00:22:57,500 then, no matter how much you blew it out, it wouldn't go out. Which explains those silly trick candles. 187 00:22:57,500 --> 00:23:02,500 How come, if you use bellows on a fire, that's to encourage the flame, isn't it? 188 00:23:02,500 --> 00:23:08,500 Blowing into a fire is lovely, because you get to... Up it comes... I wonder what Richard Burton would make of it? 189 00:23:08,500 --> 00:23:10,500 "Ooh, look at the fire! Growing tall and..." All right, nevermind... 190 00:23:12,500 --> 00:23:16,500 - You come from the same... You're from Port Talbot as well? - I'm from the same town as... 191 00:23:16,500 --> 00:23:19,500 - Richard Burton and Anthony Hopkins. - And Michael Sheen. Another great, young actor. 192 00:23:19,500 --> 00:23:22,500 And Michael Sheen, of course, brilliant. In fact, my father grew up on the same street... 193 00:23:22,500 --> 00:23:25,500 - Literally, the same street as Anthony Hopkins. - Yeah. 194 00:23:25,500 --> 00:23:27,500 In England, we live in houses... 195 00:23:30,500 --> 00:23:31,500 Sorry! 196 00:23:32,500 --> 00:23:33,500 Uhm. 197 00:23:34,500 --> 00:23:35,500 Anyway... 198 00:23:36,500 --> 00:23:41,500 Fire... Fire needs three things to work: Heat, fuel and oxygen. Uhm, and we put out... 199 00:23:43,500 --> 00:23:44,500 Oh, dear! 200 00:23:44,500 --> 00:23:48,500 Has the fire gone out between us, darling? Has it? Oh, no! 201 00:23:49,500 --> 00:23:52,500 - Oh, you want to marry me as well? - What does this mean...? 202 00:23:54,500 --> 00:23:56,500 It involves Christopher Biggins... 203 00:23:57,500 --> 00:24:02,500 So, fire needs three things to work. It needs heat, fuel and oxygen. 204 00:24:02,500 --> 00:24:06,500 When you blow out a candle, there's a sudden drop in temperature, and that's what causes the flame to go out. 205 00:24:06,500 --> 00:24:11,500 From heat, back to cold. You know, how sometimes it can be too cold to snow? Yeah? 206 00:24:14,500 --> 00:24:16,500 - Is that a question? - Yeah! 207 00:24:16,500 --> 00:24:19,500 - You know, how it can be too cold to snow? - Yes, because you need some moisture... 208 00:24:21,500 --> 00:24:22,500 Ah, thank you! 209 00:24:23,500 --> 00:24:25,500 - Thank you for it. - You really hate me, don't you? 210 00:24:25,500 --> 00:24:28,500 Oh, no! Not you! No, the fact is, it can't be too cold. 211 00:24:28,500 --> 00:24:32,500 - It's a thing people say, "It's too cold to snow." - Well, that's really horrible of you, you led me to believe... 212 00:24:32,500 --> 00:24:34,500 - No, hang on! He tried to get us first! - Where were you!? 213 00:24:34,500 --> 00:24:39,500 Yes... I... I've been on this programme a few times, I know that whatever you say at this point, it's always... 214 00:24:39,500 --> 00:24:41,500 That's gonna happen. And you think you know, and then... 215 00:24:41,500 --> 00:24:45,500 Normally, you're told to talk on these programmes, in this, you just have to sit like this... Like this... 216 00:24:46,500 --> 00:24:49,500 You said it! You said you where too slow... My... In My little head, I went, 217 00:24:49,500 --> 00:24:52,500 "God, I would... I wouldn't have thought so, but this is has to be true..." 218 00:24:54,500 --> 00:24:56,500 And I went, "Well, I'm gonna join in then..." Yes. 219 00:24:57,500 --> 00:25:03,500 Anyway, the fact is, that snow's been recorded at minus 41, minus 50 degrees. There is only one temperature 220 00:25:03,500 --> 00:25:05,500 where it's too cold to snow, but then it's too cold to do anything. 221 00:25:05,500 --> 00:25:07,500 - Nothing moves. - At absolute zero. 222 00:25:07,500 --> 00:25:10,500 - At absolute zero - My favourite temperature, before we get that low, is minus 40. 223 00:25:10,500 --> 00:25:14,500 Because, in centigrade and Fahrenheit, they're the same, they're both minus 40, all together. 224 00:25:14,500 --> 00:25:16,500 - What a thrill. - Isn't that exciting? 225 00:25:18,500 --> 00:25:21,500 What I do want to do, is I want to give a couple of points to Rob, because... 226 00:25:21,500 --> 00:25:25,500 He is right in that it's less likely to snow, when there's less moisture. And there is less moisture, 227 00:25:25,500 --> 00:25:30,500 when it's very cold. So, but it's... It's not ever, too cold to snow. 228 00:25:30,500 --> 00:25:33,500 Talk to the face, 'cause the hand's ain't listening. 229 00:25:35,500 --> 00:25:41,500 Oh, dear! Anyway, nowhere on Earth can ever be too cold for snow. For instance, it regularly snows at the Poles, 230 00:25:41,500 --> 00:25:45,500 where it's colder than anywhere else on Earth. So, now we come the great moment of truth, 231 00:25:45,500 --> 00:25:51,500 when our panellists are rewarded for having been good, or possibly, for not having been good, this QI Christmas. 232 00:25:51,500 --> 00:25:57,500 And what do we see before us? Well, Santa's favourite little helper this year... On 8 points... 233 00:25:57,500 --> 00:25:59,500 - Is Clive Anderson! - Oh! 234 00:26:05,500 --> 00:26:06,500 And... 235 00:26:06,500 --> 00:26:13,500 In second place, deserving of so much, so much support, because he's just really improving every year, 236 00:26:13,500 --> 00:26:15,500 on minus 6, Alan Davies! 237 00:26:20,500 --> 00:26:27,500 And... Third, this week, despite falling into a few honeytraps, on minus 8, Rob Brydon! 238 00:26:31,500 --> 00:26:36,500 Well, I'm sorry to say, that the cold Brussels sprout on this occasion, with minus 16... 239 00:26:36,500 --> 00:26:40,500 Because, he's trusting and confiding and a jolly good fellow, 240 00:26:41,500 --> 00:26:43,500 Dom, on minus 16. 241 00:26:48,500 --> 00:26:49,500 So... 242 00:26:50,500 --> 00:26:57,500 All that remains, is for me to thank Clive, Rob, Dom and Alan, and relate to a Christmas scene, in a galaxy far, far away, 243 00:26:57,500 --> 00:27:02,500 where Darth Vader says to Luke, "Luke... I know what you're getting for Christmas!" 244 00:27:03,500 --> 00:27:06,500 Or, whatever noise he makes. And he says, "No, you can't possibly know!" 245 00:27:06,500 --> 00:27:11,500 "I know what you're getting for Christmas!" "You can't know! It's not true!" 246 00:27:11,500 --> 00:27:14,500 "I... Know what you're getting for Christmas!" "How can you know?" 247 00:27:14,500 --> 00:27:17,500 "I have felt your presents..." Thank you, and good evening.