1 00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:34,681 Ahoy, ahoy, ahoy, ahoy, ahoy 2 00:00:34,681 --> 00:00:37,042 and ho-ho-ho, me hearties. 3 00:00:37,042 --> 00:00:39,502 Welcome aboard the good ship QI, 4 00:00:39,502 --> 00:00:43,303 where tonight, we're scouring the oceans of interestingness 5 00:00:43,303 --> 00:00:46,604 in search of flotsam in a programme that's more or less 6 00:00:46,604 --> 00:00:49,364 a rag-bag of bits and pieces beginning with F. 7 00:00:49,364 --> 00:00:53,405 And helping me separate the facts from fiction and the flim from flam 8 00:00:53,405 --> 00:00:56,765 are the effortless Charlie Higson... 9 00:01:02,527 --> 00:01:06,088 The effervescent Andy Hamilton... 10 00:01:11,009 --> 00:01:14,690 The ineffable Rob Brydon... 11 00:01:19,051 --> 00:01:23,811 And the sweet F in sweet FA, Alan Davies. 12 00:01:29,252 --> 00:01:33,093 But before we slip anchor and catch the tide matelots, 13 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,814 let me inspect your bell buttons. So Charlie goes... 14 00:01:41,015 --> 00:01:41,775 Andy goes... 15 00:01:47,137 --> 00:01:49,137 Rob goes... 16 00:01:49,137 --> 00:01:54,659 'Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside.' 17 00:01:54,659 --> 00:01:56,618 And Alan goes... 18 00:02:00,379 --> 00:02:03,300 - 'What is it, lad? - He followed in the water!' 19 00:02:06,941 --> 00:02:11,462 So, and now for your convenience tonight, if you have anything nautical or nice 20 00:02:11,462 --> 00:02:13,182 to tell me, you can catch my eye 21 00:02:13,182 --> 00:02:16,783 as well as using your buzzer by waving your international maritime flag, 22 00:02:16,783 --> 00:02:19,624 which you should have somewhere under your desks. 23 00:02:19,624 --> 00:02:21,944 There you go. Charlie, yours is R. 24 00:02:21,944 --> 00:02:24,705 R - Romeo in the MCC colours there. 25 00:02:24,705 --> 00:02:26,585 - That means... - It looks like... 26 00:02:26,585 --> 00:02:29,185 I think it's a kind of nautical bumper sticker. 27 00:02:29,185 --> 00:02:31,826 It's like, "My other ship is a destroyer." 28 00:02:31,826 --> 00:02:35,627 Oh! Very good. It actually means "You can feel your way past me." 29 00:02:37,387 --> 00:02:40,868 - That's its meaning there. - That's not a proper nautical term, surely! 30 00:02:40,868 --> 00:02:42,508 It is. 31 00:02:42,508 --> 00:02:46,269 It's, "The way is off my ship, you may feel your way past me." 32 00:02:46,269 --> 00:02:48,030 Andy, yours is a Z. Z - Zulu. 33 00:02:48,030 --> 00:02:50,710 It actually means, "I require a tug". 34 00:02:53,031 --> 00:02:54,671 So come and see me in my cabin! 35 00:02:54,671 --> 00:02:56,552 I'll see what I can do. 36 00:02:56,552 --> 00:02:59,472 No, I think I won't be needing that. 37 00:02:59,472 --> 00:03:01,793 And, yours, Rob, there. 38 00:03:01,793 --> 00:03:05,953 It's actually J - Juliet. And it means, "I'm on fire." 39 00:03:05,953 --> 00:03:09,354 - How strangely apt! - So you can come to my cabin as well. 40 00:03:09,354 --> 00:03:12,275 It has a second meaning, which is, "I'm leaking." 41 00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,676 So, Alan, yours is... 42 00:03:17,676 --> 00:03:19,556 Coming up behind? 43 00:03:21,397 --> 00:03:24,678 No. It's D - Delta. 44 00:03:24,678 --> 00:03:28,679 It actually means, "Keep clear of me, I'm manoeuvring with difficulty". 45 00:03:30,919 --> 00:03:36,320 Well, mine is U - Uniform. It means, "You're running into danger." 46 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:37,540 - Yeah? - That's a good one, isn't it? 47 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:40,040 There's another sign language which is akin to this, which is semaphore. 48 00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:46,542 And I just wonder... You get very good points if you can tell me, do you know any semaphore symbol? 49 00:03:46,542 --> 00:03:48,042 That, um... Can you tell me what it means? 50 00:03:48,042 --> 00:03:50,543 There's one incredibly familiar one that I didn't know 51 00:03:50,543 --> 00:03:51,543 - until today was actually semaphore. - Er, this one... 52 00:03:51,543 --> 00:03:58,545 This one is, "Welcome back to the arrivals lounge." You see that at airports all the time. 53 00:03:58,545 --> 00:04:02,546 - Yeah, what's that? - That's, "I'm drunk and I'm havin' a piss." 54 00:04:06,547 --> 00:04:10,547 - Very good. - This is... This is... This is "stand and deliver". 55 00:04:10,547 --> 00:04:13,548 Oh yes, Adam Ant, very good. 56 00:04:13,548 --> 00:04:16,548 If I were to tell you that two arms down like that is "N", 57 00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:20,549 - and up here, is "D"... - Yeah. 58 00:04:20,549 --> 00:04:24,550 "ND", standing for "nuclear disarmament", in a circle... 59 00:04:24,550 --> 00:04:27,551 - Oh, CND. - Is the "Ban the Bomb" symbol. 60 00:04:27,551 --> 00:04:32,552 We did News Quiz, the radio show, with a signer quite a few times. And it always intrigued me, 61 00:04:32,552 --> 00:04:36,553 'cause you were mentioning topical characters, and it's amazing how quickly they come up with... 62 00:04:36,553 --> 00:04:38,554 - Like, Prince Charles is that. - Yes. 63 00:04:38,554 --> 00:04:44,554 And we were doing material about Bill Clinton, and I waited to see what the signer would do. 64 00:04:45,555 --> 00:04:47,555 And, er, he just did his zip! 65 00:04:48,555 --> 00:04:49,556 - Wonderful! - It was brilliant. 66 00:04:49,556 --> 00:04:56,557 In America, the American Sign Language is slightly different. An "R" is, er, just to crook your finger like an "R", 67 00:04:56,557 --> 00:05:01,558 and so "Ronald Reagan" was like that. Two "R"s; Ronald Reagan. Very neat. 68 00:05:01,558 --> 00:05:03,559 That makes sense, 'cause a lot of girls that I've... That I've been out with... 69 00:05:03,559 --> 00:05:06,560 My name is Rob, of course... They've made that sign to me. 70 00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:13,561 I'm sure they haven't. I can't believe it. 71 00:05:13,561 --> 00:05:18,562 Now, can you guess what these flags mean, and what the letters stand for? 72 00:05:19,262 --> 00:05:20,562 A? B? C? D? E? 73 00:05:22,563 --> 00:05:24,563 That's "O", actually, and it means "Overboard". 74 00:05:24,563 --> 00:05:25,563 Oh, right. 75 00:05:25,563 --> 00:05:30,565 It's not just to generally express interest in something another ship has said... It... It... "Oh?" 76 00:05:30,565 --> 00:05:34,566 - "Oh?" - They... They say something and go... 77 00:05:36,566 --> 00:05:40,267 - Also, if... If someone's fallen overboard... - Yes... 78 00:05:40,267 --> 00:05:46,569 Is there really time to put a flag up and...? There's a bit of a lack of urgency. "No, never mind..." 79 00:05:46,569 --> 00:05:47,569 Going through the flag box... 80 00:05:49,569 --> 00:05:55,570 "Oh, I can never find the one I want! He's drowned by now! Overboard!" 81 00:05:56,570 --> 00:05:58,570 And the next one is... 82 00:05:58,570 --> 00:06:03,572 I think that's actually "N", which means "No". I don't know... 83 00:06:03,572 --> 00:06:07,573 So, that... That, after the one before is, "Oh, no!" 84 00:06:09,573 --> 00:06:10,573 Absolutely! 85 00:06:10,573 --> 00:06:13,574 "I've... I've spilt something on these trousers." "Oh, no!" 86 00:06:15,575 --> 00:06:16,575 We've got a third one... 87 00:06:17,575 --> 00:06:20,576 That's a pyramid reflected in a lake. 88 00:06:22,576 --> 00:06:26,576 No, it's a rather sweet one. It's "F", actually, and it means, "I'm disabled; communicate with me." 89 00:06:27,577 --> 00:06:35,579 That's a rather patronizing view of the disabled, isn't it, that they have to have a flag to... To be communicated with. 90 00:06:35,579 --> 00:06:39,580 I... I was going to speak to him, but the little fellow didn't have a flag, so I didn't bother. 91 00:06:41,580 --> 00:06:44,581 They only wave the flag if they want you to talk to 'em, yeah. 92 00:06:45,581 --> 00:06:46,581 Oh, Lord. 93 00:06:46,581 --> 00:06:49,582 - Is... Is there a flag we can use to say, "Does he take sugar?" - Yeah. 94 00:06:49,582 --> 00:06:52,583 Oh, heavens. Well, there you are. You've found a whole new use. 95 00:06:52,583 --> 00:06:56,584 I think it's a magnificent... The science of flag communication. 96 00:06:56,584 --> 00:07:00,584 It's more or less fallen into disuse these days, obviously, but they used it most famously when? 97 00:07:00,584 --> 00:07:02,584 What's the kind of famous signal that was sent in 18... 98 00:07:02,584 --> 00:07:06,585 - The Battle of Trafalgar. - 1805, exactly. And what was that, do you remember? 99 00:07:06,585 --> 00:07:10,586 Well, it's commonly quoted as, "England expects every man shall do his duty," but... 100 00:07:10,586 --> 00:07:14,587 They reckon that was a slight mistranslation. It said something slightly different. 101 00:07:14,587 --> 00:07:21,589 Well, actually, Nelson instructed his, signal master to say, "Nelson confides that every man shall do his duty." 102 00:07:21,589 --> 00:07:25,590 "Confide" meant in those days "has faith in the fact that", as it were. 103 00:07:25,590 --> 00:07:29,591 And neither "Nelson" nor "confide" were flags; there was no flag for... 104 00:07:29,591 --> 00:07:31,591 But there was one for "England" and one for "expects", 105 00:07:31,591 --> 00:07:34,591 so it became, "England expects that every man shall do his duty", yeah. 106 00:07:34,591 --> 00:07:38,592 Why couldn't they do "Nelson"? If there's a flag for "N", and a flag for "E", and a flag... 107 00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:40,593 You could have done it letter-by-letter; obviously you can do that, yeah. 108 00:07:40,593 --> 00:07:45,594 They'd have been shot by the French before they finished it. But it's lucky they had flags for "do their duty". 109 00:07:46,094 --> 00:07:46,594 Yes. 110 00:07:46,594 --> 00:07:49,595 - You know, if they could only use the flags they had. - Yeah. 111 00:07:49,595 --> 00:07:51,595 Say, "Sorry Nelson, we've only got, 'Go home now.'" 112 00:07:52,595 --> 00:07:55,596 It's the... It's Nanny's flag for "have a poo". "Make sure you've done your duty!" 113 00:07:56,596 --> 00:08:00,597 Oh... There we... Sorry... 114 00:08:00,597 --> 00:08:05,598 It's awful when you make a, sort of, observational comic remark, you realize you're the only person 115 00:08:05,598 --> 00:08:08,598 in a room of a thousand people to whom that means anything. 116 00:08:08,598 --> 00:08:14,600 - No, no, all the audience were nodding... - "My nanny likes to say that, too." Yeah, anyway, fair enough. 117 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:19,601 Er, one more question on the subject. Who burns the most American flags? 118 00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:22,602 - Yea? - Americans. 119 00:08:22,602 --> 00:08:25,603 You're absolutely right. We were hoping you'd say Iranians or something like that. 120 00:08:25,603 --> 00:08:29,604 It's absolutely right. But, more than that, it's a particular group of Americans, oddly enough. 121 00:08:29,604 --> 00:08:32,604 The... The worst American flag company, because they... 122 00:08:32,604 --> 00:08:36,605 They get 'em... They realize they put the stars down the wrong col... "Oh bl..." God... God dammit," 123 00:08:36,605 --> 00:08:38,606 - they'd say, of course. - They would, wouldn't they? 124 00:08:38,606 --> 00:08:40,605 - I was gonna say "bloody hell", but they would say... - No, you're right. 125 00:08:40,605 --> 00:08:42,606 - "Aarrgh. Jack shit." And they would do it... - It's not the Klan, is it? 126 00:08:42,606 --> 00:08:43,606 No, no it would be... 127 00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:45,606 - It's not the KKK. Do they burn the flag? - No. 128 00:08:45,606 --> 00:08:47,607 No, no they don't. 129 00:08:47,607 --> 00:08:51,608 Would it be launderers? People who iron flags for a living? Would they? 130 00:08:53,608 --> 00:08:59,610 Oddly enough, it's the Boy Scouts of America... And the American Legion, because Americans, as you know, 131 00:08:59,610 --> 00:09:01,610 - have an almost religious view of their flags... - Oh, yeah. 132 00:09:01,610 --> 00:09:04,611 And, if they get dirty and tatted, you have to dispose of them. 133 00:09:04,611 --> 00:09:08,612 And it's advised, the best way to dispose of it with dignity is to burn it. 134 00:09:08,612 --> 00:09:14,613 I was a Boy Scout, and we went to an international jamboree in Sweden, 135 00:09:14,613 --> 00:09:18,614 and we were given the place next to the American Boy Scouts, 136 00:09:18,614 --> 00:09:23,615 who were squeaky clean, and got up at like half-seven in the morning for this almost, like you say, 137 00:09:23,615 --> 00:09:25,615 religious running up of the flag, you know. 138 00:09:25,615 --> 00:09:30,617 And we found this quite irritating, every morning, you know. We're having breakfast, trying to drink our lager and stuff. 139 00:09:30,617 --> 00:09:36,618 And they would... And we had a kid with us, called John Pennington, who was fantastically fast. 140 00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:42,619 He was like Billy Whizz. And John went... Across, and stole it, and ran off into the woods. And... 141 00:09:42,619 --> 00:09:50,620 And it caused a sort of minor international incident. We had this delegation of the organizers, came to see us, and said, er, 142 00:09:50,620 --> 00:09:54,621 "The Americans are saying if you don't return their flag, they're going home." 143 00:09:54,621 --> 00:10:00,623 We thought, "Result! That's great!" So, in the end, grudgingly, we returned their flag, 144 00:10:00,623 --> 00:10:04,624 but it was a very good early insight into American foreign policy. 145 00:10:05,624 --> 00:10:11,626 Well... Because we have a royal family, we don't have to invest our sense of patriotism and statehood and everything, 146 00:10:11,626 --> 00:10:14,626 into something as odd as a... As a flag, whereas Americans don't have that. 147 00:10:14,626 --> 00:10:16,627 They have to sort of use the flag. And they... 148 00:10:16,627 --> 00:10:19,628 They really are very sensitive. Nobody cares about the Union Jack, particularly. 149 00:10:19,628 --> 00:10:21,627 I mean it's sometimes flown upside-down... 150 00:10:21,627 --> 00:10:23,628 - As we're being very dull and pedantic... - Yeah... 151 00:10:23,628 --> 00:10:25,628 - Which is what one does on this show... - Yeah. Thank you. 152 00:10:25,628 --> 00:10:30,629 - Are we not supposed to call it the Union Flag? - Yeah, it's a very good point. It's only the Union Jack... 153 00:10:30,629 --> 00:10:33,630 - I mean that was boring; there's nothing funny about it. - It is the Union Jack, though, when...? 154 00:10:33,630 --> 00:10:35,630 - When what? - When flying from a...? 155 00:10:36,631 --> 00:10:37,031 Flying... 156 00:10:37,031 --> 00:10:38,631 - From a boat. - From a boat? 157 00:10:38,631 --> 00:10:39,631 - Yes. - It's a what? 158 00:10:39,631 --> 00:10:41,632 - It's a Union Jack then. - It's a J... It's only a Jack when it's on a boat? 159 00:10:41,632 --> 00:10:47,633 Yeah. There is one state flag in the United States of America that has our Union Flag... 160 00:10:47,633 --> 00:10:52,635 What we would wrongly call the Union Jack, as part of it, quarter of it. Do you know which state it is in the Union? 161 00:10:52,635 --> 00:10:54,634 - Tennessee. - No. 162 00:10:54,634 --> 00:10:56,635 - Ohio. - Alabama. Carolina. 163 00:10:56,635 --> 00:10:57,635 - No, it's Hawaii. - Hawaii. 164 00:10:57,635 --> 00:10:59,635 - Hawaii. - I was just about to say that. 165 00:10:59,635 --> 00:11:05,637 Erm, anyway. Yes. The Boy Scouts of America... Er, burning an old, worn-out flag is considered 166 00:11:05,637 --> 00:11:07,637 the most dignified way of disposing of it. 167 00:11:08,638 --> 00:11:13,639 Right! While we're all at sea, what's the difference between flotsam and jetsam? 168 00:11:13,639 --> 00:11:16,640 - One floats and one sinks. - No. 169 00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:20,641 One is spelt with a "J"; one is spelt with an "F". 170 00:11:20,641 --> 00:11:23,641 Not it. There... There are four kinds of wreckage. 171 00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:29,642 Flotsam is something that's fallen off a ship... Because it's got wrecked or something, 172 00:11:29,642 --> 00:11:31,642 and jetsam has actually been thrown off by someone. 173 00:11:31,642 --> 00:11:36,643 Yes, correct. Jetsam has been jettisoned. Very good. Very good. 174 00:11:36,643 --> 00:11:38,644 - How do we know that? - Well, it's... 175 00:11:39,644 --> 00:11:42,645 - Did you really work that out? - Yeah. 176 00:11:42,645 --> 00:11:44,645 - Well, it's, you know... - From jeter, the French for "throw". 177 00:11:44,645 --> 00:11:46,646 - He's pretty good. - Some of us paid attention at school, Alan. 178 00:11:48,646 --> 00:11:52,647 Not that one again. That seems to be the root of all my problems. 179 00:11:53,648 --> 00:11:55,648 Just wasn't interested. 180 00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:59,649 I can also tell you that lagan... Is what's on the bottom of the sea. 181 00:11:59,649 --> 00:12:01,649 You're absolutely right! And there's only one mo... 182 00:12:01,649 --> 00:12:02,649 - But you said there's a fourth one. - There is a fourth one. 183 00:12:02,649 --> 00:12:03,649 Flotsam, jetsam, lagan... 184 00:12:03,649 --> 00:12:09,651 Er, lagan is cargo that is lying at the bottom of the ocean, sometimes marked by a buoy, which can be reclaimed. 185 00:12:09,651 --> 00:12:11,651 - But there's another one which... - Flotsam, jetsam... 186 00:12:11,651 --> 00:12:14,652 Lies at the bottom of the ocean, which no one has any hope of reclaiming... 187 00:12:14,652 --> 00:12:15,652 Rocks. 188 00:12:15,652 --> 00:12:17,653 - And that's derelict. - Derelict. 189 00:12:17,653 --> 00:12:22,654 So, they're the four classes of wreckage, according to the 1995 act which covers these things. 190 00:12:22,654 --> 00:12:31,656 But the odd thing is, if you find such a piece of wreckage from a ship, and you decide to keep it, you can be fined £2,500. 191 00:12:31,656 --> 00:12:36,656 Er, you have to pay twice the value of it to the owner of the original ship... 192 00:12:36,656 --> 00:12:39,657 - You have to have salvage rights. - Yeah, it's very, very strict. 193 00:12:39,657 --> 00:12:46,659 But does that date back to the days when all the West Country earned its keep off luring people onto rocks? 194 00:12:46,659 --> 00:12:47,659 Wreckers, yes. 195 00:12:47,659 --> 00:12:49,659 - That's like if you run over a pheasant... - Yeah. 196 00:12:49,659 --> 00:12:51,660 - And pick it up... - Yeah. 197 00:12:51,660 --> 00:12:56,661 Then that's a crime. But if you're following someone, and they've run over the pheasant, and you just find it... 198 00:12:56,661 --> 00:13:01,662 I found this out because we did some filming once for Jonathan Creek, and we were filming on a big estate, 199 00:13:01,662 --> 00:13:02,663 - and there were pheasants everywhere... - Yeah. 200 00:13:02,663 --> 00:13:05,663 And all the crew had to drive into this house every morning. 201 00:13:05,663 --> 00:13:10,664 And the pheasants, it's... Stupidly, the way they fed the pheasants was from a truck. 202 00:13:10,664 --> 00:13:11,664 Oh, no. 203 00:13:11,664 --> 00:13:17,665 So anytime a vehicle came past, pheasants would come from... And run towards the road. 204 00:13:18,666 --> 00:13:21,666 And on about the fourth morning, Billy, the best boy, 205 00:13:21,666 --> 00:13:25,667 - had just had enough of slowing down for every pheasant... - Yeah. 206 00:13:25,667 --> 00:13:30,668 And did about six of them. And then the people behind picked 'em up. 207 00:13:31,669 --> 00:13:34,669 Why do you think it is, then, when you're in Australia, 208 00:13:34,669 --> 00:13:37,670 you see so many dead kangaroos at the side of the road when in the Outback, 209 00:13:37,670 --> 00:13:40,671 there is lots of other space? Why would they be at the roadside? 210 00:13:41,671 --> 00:13:42,670 - Because... - Yeah. 211 00:13:42,670 --> 00:13:45,671 Water gathers on the road surface, and they come to drink that. 212 00:13:45,671 --> 00:13:51,673 Eeh, that's interesting. There's certainly a lot... No, that's good. I like that. 213 00:13:51,673 --> 00:13:52,673 - I've seen it. - Did you want there not to be an answer? 214 00:13:52,673 --> 00:13:55,674 No, I knew the answer, and I was hoping you were going to say "I don't know", 215 00:13:55,674 --> 00:13:58,674 and I was gonna say the answer. Thanks for that. 216 00:14:00,675 --> 00:14:07,677 Now, er, from "flotsam" to "fan clubs". You remember that famous double act, Batman and Robin? 217 00:14:07,677 --> 00:14:10,677 What did the Boy Wonder use to sign his autograph? 218 00:14:13,678 --> 00:14:15,679 - Rob? - Well that... That Boy Wonder... 219 00:14:15,679 --> 00:14:16,678 - Yeah. - From the television series... 220 00:14:16,678 --> 00:14:19,679 - Yes. - Was played by Burt... Ward? 221 00:14:19,679 --> 00:14:23,679 And, ironically, he was Bruce Wayne's young... 222 00:14:23,679 --> 00:14:25,680 - Ward, yes, yes. - Ward, Dick, wasn't he, Dick Grayson. 223 00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:30,681 And he went on to a career in pornography. So I'm wondering, therefore... 224 00:14:30,681 --> 00:14:38,683 If this is a novelty question, and if he signed it with his... He used to see a young lady and say, "Quick! To the Batpole!" 225 00:14:41,684 --> 00:14:45,685 He wrote an autobiography called something like 'A Life in Tights', and it was basically just sex. 226 00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:47,685 - You're very good, Charlie Higson. - Sex on every page. 227 00:14:47,685 --> 00:14:52,686 He wrote an autobiography called 'Boy Wonder: My Life in Tights'. And he revealed in that, 228 00:14:52,686 --> 00:14:59,687 that he did send autographs to thousands of women, using what he called "Batsperm", er, to sign his name. 229 00:15:00,688 --> 00:15:02,688 Was it actually bat sperm? 230 00:15:05,689 --> 00:15:08,690 Which makes it... Which is another degree of awfulness, isn't it? 231 00:15:08,690 --> 00:15:11,690 A fiendish plan. Hundreds of bats... "Come on!" 232 00:15:12,691 --> 00:15:16,691 He called it "the ultimate autograph", and apparently, Batman watched. 233 00:15:18,692 --> 00:15:20,692 I... According to his book. 234 00:15:20,692 --> 00:15:27,693 He watched... Which part of the procedure did he watch? "Can I watch, Burt?" "Sure, Adam!" 235 00:15:28,693 --> 00:15:30,694 How many times would you want to watch something like that, though? 236 00:15:30,694 --> 00:15:33,695 I mean, I can see a certain kind of morbid fascination... 237 00:15:33,695 --> 00:15:35,695 - Can you? - Well, yeah... 238 00:15:38,696 --> 00:15:46,698 I'm just getting a message: I rather misunderstood, erm, about Burt and his... Batsperm. Erm, apparently... 239 00:15:52,699 --> 00:16:01,399 It turns out he didn't actually write his name in the sperm; it was his euphemism for shagging them. 240 00:16:02,500 --> 00:16:05,501 He gave them "the ultimate autograph" by shagging them, so... 241 00:16:05,501 --> 00:16:06,501 I prefer the original explanation. 242 00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:12,502 So, imagine if someone comes up to him in the street and says, "Could I have your autograph?" And before you know it... 243 00:16:13,503 --> 00:16:15,503 "Whoa, hang on!" 244 00:16:15,503 --> 00:16:18,504 Yes. "Would you mind if Alan Davies watched?" Er... 245 00:16:20,504 --> 00:16:22,505 So that's what Adam West was watching, not... 246 00:16:22,505 --> 00:16:23,505 - He was watching them having sex? Good Lord. - Yeah. 247 00:16:23,505 --> 00:16:26,506 That goes on a lot in show business. I think, to the average man in the street, 248 00:16:26,506 --> 00:16:28,506 the idea of watching another person having sex 249 00:16:28,506 --> 00:16:32,507 is a bit odd. But with... I think within the world of show business, present company excluded... 250 00:16:32,507 --> 00:16:36,507 - I would say. - You do hear stories of that sort of thing going on, don't you? 251 00:16:36,507 --> 00:16:38,508 - Do you? - Dad's Army were famous for it, yeah. 252 00:16:38,508 --> 00:16:42,509 Dad's Army? Stop it! Stop it! How dare you! 253 00:16:42,509 --> 00:16:44,509 "We're doomed!" 254 00:16:48,510 --> 00:16:53,511 - They don't like it up 'em. - Oh! Dear, dear me. 255 00:16:53,511 --> 00:16:55,512 - "Can my sister Dolly..." - "Can my sister Dolly watch?" 256 00:16:59,513 --> 00:17:05,514 Er, in 1968, they cancelled Batman, and he found it hard to get work again, sadly, so his life... 257 00:17:05,514 --> 00:17:08,514 I think how that should read is, "And he then found work getting hard." 258 00:17:11,515 --> 00:17:13,515 You're a very bad man. 259 00:17:13,515 --> 00:17:16,516 I'd just like to say, I've got his autograph. 260 00:17:17,516 --> 00:17:21,517 Hey! My word, you should be very, very proud. 261 00:17:21,517 --> 00:17:25,518 Erm, anyway, yes, according to his autobiography, that's what he did. 262 00:17:25,518 --> 00:17:28,519 Anyway, where would you find the world's biggest flasher? 263 00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:33,520 Is it gonna be about a lighthouse? 264 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:38,521 Well, oddly enough, one of the answers is about something that is called a lighthouse, but isn't a lighthouse. 265 00:17:38,521 --> 00:17:41,522 The other one is the biggest flasher in nature. 266 00:17:41,522 --> 00:17:44,522 Right, is it the Statue of Liberty? Is... Is that a lighthouse? 267 00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:46,522 - No! - I think... 268 00:17:46,522 --> 00:17:49,523 - There's not a light at the top of the Statue of Liberty? - Well I think, like a lot of tall structures... 269 00:17:49,523 --> 00:17:52,524 It has to have a flashing light on top, for aircraft rather than... 270 00:17:52,524 --> 00:17:54,524 - Don't look so contemptuous, Rob. - Yeah. 271 00:17:55,525 --> 00:17:57,525 Well, hang on. "Big Ben: is that a lighthouse?" 272 00:17:59,526 --> 00:18:01,526 She's got a torch, doesn't she? 273 00:18:01,526 --> 00:18:07,528 There's a... There's a light up there. Yeah, but I mean, I've got a light on my top floor, but I'm not a lighthouse. 274 00:18:07,528 --> 00:18:08,528 Is it Big Ben, then? 275 00:18:11,528 --> 00:18:16,529 You're leading the poor boy astray. No. Well, there's an organic one. There's an animal that is probably the... 276 00:18:17,529 --> 00:18:20,530 - Electric eel? - But you're in the right ballpark, as it where. 277 00:18:20,530 --> 00:18:26,531 Is it one of those fish like they have in Finding Nemo? They have a l... Where it dangles a light in front of its mouth. 278 00:18:26,531 --> 00:18:28,532 Well, it's certainly fish that uses what is known as, erm... 279 00:18:28,532 --> 00:18:30,532 - The anglerfish. - Phosphorescence. 280 00:18:30,532 --> 00:18:33,533 - It's phosphor... They call it "bioluminescence", yes. - Oh, right. 281 00:18:33,533 --> 00:18:35,533 - Glow worms, and... - Fireflies. 282 00:18:35,533 --> 00:18:39,534 But under the water, ninety percent of marine creatures give off light. 283 00:18:39,534 --> 00:18:40,535 Is it a squid? 284 00:18:40,535 --> 00:18:43,535 It is a squid. It's a seven-foot squid. It's called the Dana Squid. 285 00:18:43,535 --> 00:18:46,536 - It's an amazing creature. There it is. - "The Day Nurse squid"? 286 00:18:46,536 --> 00:18:50,536 No, not "Day Nurse". Dana Octopus Squid. 287 00:18:50,536 --> 00:18:52,537 Which you can... You can take him without being drowsy, is it? 288 00:18:52,537 --> 00:18:56,538 It's a non-drowsy formulation of the North Pacific Dana Octopus Squid. 289 00:18:56,538 --> 00:19:01,539 And it's really bright. It dazzles and disorients its prey with its light. 290 00:19:01,539 --> 00:19:03,539 Does it need to do that if it's seven foot long? 291 00:19:03,539 --> 00:19:07,540 Well, it's just an added weapon in its arsenal. It's pretty impressive, isn't it? 292 00:19:07,540 --> 00:19:09,541 It's in its... Where is it? 293 00:19:12,541 --> 00:19:14,542 Really, you're all to behave... 294 00:19:15,542 --> 00:19:18,543 Bios, meaning living, and lumen is Latin for light, of course, so it's bioluminescent. 295 00:19:18,543 --> 00:19:21,544 There are all kinds of, er, jellyfish and things that wander around... 296 00:19:21,544 --> 00:19:26,544 Like there, there you see, that give off light. Very beautiful. You're a diver; you've probably seen some. 297 00:19:26,544 --> 00:19:28,544 - At night... - Yeah. 298 00:19:28,544 --> 00:19:30,545 - All the ugly fish come out. - Oh, of course. 299 00:19:30,545 --> 00:19:32,545 - And it's really interesting. - You don't need to be pretty, out there. 300 00:19:32,545 --> 00:19:38,547 You go... That's right... You go to the Red Sea, and in the day, the fish are beautiful, colourful fish. 301 00:19:38,547 --> 00:19:40,547 And then at night... They're all bug-eyed... 302 00:19:43,548 --> 00:19:46,549 - They limp around, most of them are poisonous... - They have strange whiskers coming out. 303 00:19:46,549 --> 00:19:49,550 And they've got spines on, and you're not allowed to touch them. They'll come and look at you like... 304 00:19:50,550 --> 00:19:57,551 "I'm a night fish!" Then you shine a light on them and they go, "No! No! Don't look at me! Don't look at me!" 305 00:20:02,552 --> 00:20:07,553 Well, now, that's the answer to the greatest flasher amongst the animals, is that North Pacific Dana Octopus fish, 306 00:20:07,553 --> 00:20:14,555 but in nature, er, also... There's an extraordinary effect that takes place in Venezuela. For ten hours a night, 307 00:20:14,555 --> 00:20:21,556 up to 280 times an hour, for 180 days of the year, at the mouth of the Catatumbo River in Venezuela. 308 00:20:21,556 --> 00:20:28,558 What's so extraordinary about this phenomenon is that it is the greatest source of ozone, we think, on Earth, 309 00:20:28,558 --> 00:20:32,558 and it actually helps mend the ozone layer. It gives off an enormous amount of ozone, 310 00:20:32,558 --> 00:20:35,559 - all this electrical storm activity is causing... - Is it a tourist attraction? 311 00:20:35,559 --> 00:20:37,559 People do go to see it, yes, it's really... 312 00:20:37,559 --> 00:20:39,560 It's the kind of thing where, you book for two weeks; there'll be nothing. 313 00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:42,561 - Oh, that would be difficult, wouldn't it? - I guess we should've been here last week. Ooh! 314 00:20:42,561 --> 00:20:49,562 Ah. 'Cause 180 days a year is almost exactly half of the year, isn't it, so the chances are good. 315 00:20:49,562 --> 00:20:52,563 - I think I might go, then. - Yeah! It's w... It looks well worth it, isn't it? 316 00:20:52,563 --> 00:20:54,564 - I'll report back. - Yeah! 317 00:20:54,564 --> 00:20:56,564 I'll go now. 318 00:20:58,565 --> 00:21:01,565 Light... Lightning goes up as well as down. 319 00:21:01,565 --> 00:21:03,566 - Yes, I believe it does. - And people don't realize. 320 00:21:03,566 --> 00:21:06,565 - No, that's right, yeah. - Which is why they... 321 00:21:06,565 --> 00:21:11,567 They sometimes find these dead... Dead parties of tourists and they... They find their cameras, 322 00:21:11,567 --> 00:21:15,568 and they work out how they died, 'cause all their last pictures are of each other, all standing like... 323 00:21:15,568 --> 00:21:17,568 There like this, with their hair standing on end... 324 00:21:18,568 --> 00:21:23,570 As they're just about to be discharged with a massive jolt of electricity from the top. 325 00:21:23,570 --> 00:21:26,570 Yeah. I mean, it is phenomenal, the power and the s... You smell it, of course. 326 00:21:26,570 --> 00:21:29,571 I mean, there's a big electrical storm like that, you can smell it in the air. 327 00:21:29,571 --> 00:21:33,572 Have you ever seen the aurora borealis, or the... The northern lights? 328 00:21:33,572 --> 00:21:35,573 - Seen it in Canada. - In Canada, yeah. 329 00:21:35,573 --> 00:21:38,572 But only, er, faintly, not like that. 330 00:21:38,572 --> 00:21:41,573 No, that's a very impressive one. How far south do you think they've been recorded? 331 00:21:42,573 --> 00:21:43,574 Basildon. 332 00:21:44,574 --> 00:21:49,575 - A very specific place. Er, actually, further south: Rome. - Rome? Hm. 333 00:21:49,575 --> 00:21:53,576 Rome, yeah. In the 1850s they had a huge amount of this... Do you know what causes them? 334 00:21:53,576 --> 00:21:56,577 Radiation from solar winds, from the sun. 335 00:21:56,577 --> 00:22:00,578 Yeah, it's magnetized particles on the solar winds hitting the atmosphere and lighting up in that way. 336 00:22:00,578 --> 00:22:04,579 And then, when you have particularly heavy activity, the... Almost the whole Earth, because the... 337 00:22:04,579 --> 00:22:06,579 The southern lights, the aurora.. 338 00:22:06,579 --> 00:22:07,579 Auroraris... 339 00:22:10,580 --> 00:22:12,580 The aurora australis, yeah. 340 00:22:12,580 --> 00:22:14,580 - That is almost what I said, funnily enough. - It is, oddly. I know... 341 00:22:14,580 --> 00:22:15,580 - Completely by chance. - How spooky, wasn't it? 342 00:22:15,580 --> 00:22:18,581 The aurora australis almost meets the aurora borealis. 343 00:22:18,581 --> 00:22:19,581 Almost the whole world is... Is... 344 00:22:19,581 --> 00:22:21,582 - Gets the effect. - I was in Edmonton, in Canada, and then... 345 00:22:21,582 --> 00:22:23,582 And it's right in the middle of the prairies, and... 346 00:22:23,582 --> 00:22:30,584 And a thunderstorm was coming towards Edmonton. And the Edmontonians I was with sat out in the gar... and watched it. 347 00:22:30,584 --> 00:22:35,585 And they said we've got about half an hour. 'Cause you could see that far, flat. 348 00:22:35,585 --> 00:22:36,586 Gosh. Yeah. 349 00:22:36,586 --> 00:22:41,587 And so you can watch the lightning and the whole thing, coming nearer and nearer and nearer, and then they say, 350 00:22:41,587 --> 00:22:43,587 "Well, we better go in now..." And you go in. 351 00:22:43,587 --> 00:22:47,587 It's torrential downpour, crashing lightning, and then it passes, you'll come out. 352 00:22:47,587 --> 00:22:51,588 - Extraordinary, isn't it? - It's fantastic. It's really entertaining. 353 00:22:51,588 --> 00:22:52,588 Yeah. I do... I do like a good thunderstorm. 354 00:22:52,588 --> 00:22:58,590 I went to Ayres Rock, Uluru, in Australia, and there was an electrical storm while I was in a helicopter... 355 00:22:59,590 --> 00:23:01,591 - Flying around Uluru. - Lord. 356 00:23:01,591 --> 00:23:04,591 And I remember the pilot... You know, Australians are always "laid back". 357 00:23:04,591 --> 00:23:08,592 It started getting a bit noisy. You couldn't see anything out the glass bubble 'cause of the rain on it. 358 00:23:08,592 --> 00:23:11,593 - Yeah. - And then he just went, "Think we better land." 359 00:23:11,593 --> 00:23:13,594 Oh. Oh, God... 360 00:23:13,594 --> 00:23:18,594 I was in... I was in a light aircraft in... In Sydney, when... When the big... Big storm came in, 361 00:23:18,594 --> 00:23:22,595 and they took us up the river, er, to... And they take you, and they leave you for a day with... 362 00:23:22,595 --> 00:23:24,595 With, er, you know, a picnic and everything, and they come and pick you up. 363 00:23:24,595 --> 00:23:27,596 And this storm was coming in and we couldn't make it, we didn't make it all the way back. 364 00:23:27,596 --> 00:23:30,597 And I remember now, you... you saying that has sparked this memory. 365 00:23:30,597 --> 00:23:31,597 Has it? Oh, I'm so pleased it did. 366 00:23:33,598 --> 00:23:36,598 No, it's... great. No, no, that's... lovely. 367 00:23:36,598 --> 00:23:39,599 Erm, let's all sit on the sofa and look at your slides, as well. 368 00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:44,600 I... I take it from that, you don't want me to get them out. 369 00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:48,601 No, I... I think we can move on. It's been lovely hearing about your holidays... 370 00:23:48,601 --> 00:23:52,601 So it's fine when he's in a helicopter, but me in a light aircraft, suddenly... 371 00:23:52,601 --> 00:23:54,602 When he told it, it was fascinating! 372 00:23:54,602 --> 00:23:57,602 You've just had the bad luck to be one that was the straw that broke the camel's back. 373 00:23:57,602 --> 00:23:59,603 It was already creaking when we were getting toward the end of his story. 374 00:23:59,603 --> 00:24:01,603 - It's my... It's my fault, I'm sorry. - Yeah. 375 00:24:01,603 --> 00:24:03,604 - Well, all... All I'll say is this: - Yeah. 376 00:24:03,604 --> 00:24:05,604 We had to land, and get a bus back to Sydney, 377 00:24:05,604 --> 00:24:09,605 and we were three-quarters of an hour late for a Rod Stewart concert, okay? 378 00:24:10,606 --> 00:24:12,606 To think we might have missed that! 379 00:24:15,607 --> 00:24:18,608 Oh. I hope you were in time to... To have him kick the footballs into the audience. 380 00:24:18,608 --> 00:24:20,608 Yes, we were there for that, Stephen. 381 00:24:20,608 --> 00:24:22,609 Oh, good... Good. That's obviously the climax of an exciting evening. 382 00:24:22,609 --> 00:24:28,609 So, Taningia danae species of squid, is the largest creature to use bioluminescence. 383 00:24:28,609 --> 00:24:34,611 However, an even bigger flasher, of course, is the lightning show in Venezuela, at the mouth of the Catatumbo River. 384 00:24:34,611 --> 00:24:40,612 Moving on now to a question of fragrance. Why did the East German secret police steal people's underwear? 385 00:24:41,612 --> 00:24:42,613 Yes, Rob? 386 00:24:43,613 --> 00:24:48,614 So that they could say to them, "You may now go. You are no longer under a vest." 387 00:24:49,614 --> 00:24:52,615 Oh, I say! That's very good. 388 00:24:52,615 --> 00:24:54,615 - It's not bad, is it? - It's very impressive. 389 00:24:54,615 --> 00:24:56,616 - It's a sort of play on words... - It... It almost is. 390 00:24:56,616 --> 00:24:59,616 You... You get an accent in there. There's something for everyone, really. 391 00:25:01,616 --> 00:25:02,616 Excellent. 392 00:25:02,616 --> 00:25:05,617 Did they want to see how frightened people were of them? 393 00:25:05,617 --> 00:25:09,618 That... That would certainly reveal that. What... Do you remember what they were called? 394 00:25:09,618 --> 00:25:11,619 - Stasi. - The Stasi, yeah. 395 00:25:11,619 --> 00:25:14,619 Was it to see if people were in contact with the West? 396 00:25:14,619 --> 00:25:18,620 Well it was a way of trying to keep track on their dissidents, almost literally, really. 397 00:25:18,620 --> 00:25:25,622 What they wanted was a sort of database of the smell of all their dissidents, so that their dogs would recognize them. 398 00:25:25,622 --> 00:25:27,623 - Dogs would... Oh, my God. - Really? 399 00:25:27,623 --> 00:25:32,624 So, everyone they thought was a danger, might escape, might be... Need tracking down... 400 00:25:32,624 --> 00:25:35,624 They started off by swabbing them with yellow, sort of, rags, and ask... 401 00:25:35,624 --> 00:25:37,624 Well, ask them to swab their underarms and their groins, 402 00:25:37,624 --> 00:25:39,625 - and put them in a jar... - Yeah. 403 00:25:39,625 --> 00:25:42,625 And then they invented a chair, which sort of... 404 00:25:42,625 --> 00:25:45,626 There, there you see some... Some of the collected ones there. 405 00:25:45,626 --> 00:25:48,627 And then they invented a sort of chair that would collect the sweaty bits, and the... 406 00:25:48,627 --> 00:25:51,627 The... The only people in... In the Stazi, surely, that... 407 00:25:51,627 --> 00:25:54,628 That would want that job would be the major pervs, wouldn't they? I mean... 408 00:25:54,628 --> 00:25:55,628 Seriously, yeah. 409 00:25:55,628 --> 00:25:58,629 When they go for the interview, say, "Oh, what do you think you could bring to the Stazi?" 410 00:25:58,629 --> 00:26:02,630 "I'd like very much to be the guy that goes out and swabs all the dissidents under their arms." 411 00:26:03,630 --> 00:26:05,631 "I'm thinking I would enjoy this ever so much." 412 00:26:07,630 --> 00:26:10,631 And they did it for years, you're abso... I mean, it is, er, most peculiar. 413 00:26:10,631 --> 00:26:12,632 It does... It does sound like a new perfume range, though, doesn't it? 414 00:26:13,632 --> 00:26:15,632 "Dissidence from Calvin Klein"! 415 00:26:16,633 --> 00:26:19,633 It does! "Dissidence." Brilliant. 416 00:26:19,633 --> 00:26:22,634 And we know where a huge store of dissidents' smells lives, and the... 417 00:26:22,634 --> 00:26:24,635 In fact, the very day the wall came down, the, sort of... 418 00:26:24,635 --> 00:26:28,636 The jolly revelers burst into the East, and broke into the Stasi headquarters. 419 00:26:28,636 --> 00:26:32,637 And they found these jars and jars and jars and boxes and boxes and boxes. 420 00:26:32,637 --> 00:26:36,638 And it became underwear afterwards because, tiring of doing this, 421 00:26:36,638 --> 00:26:40,637 they actually would raid dissidents' houses and, amongst other things, would take away their underwear 422 00:26:40,637 --> 00:26:45,639 for their smell collection. But the odd thing is, there's something very German about this because, 423 00:26:45,639 --> 00:26:51,640 only last year, the unified German government started doing the same thing with suspects... 424 00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:56,641 With people they thought would be violent, anti-G8, anti-globalism protesters... 425 00:26:56,641 --> 00:26:58,642 They started collecting their smells. 426 00:26:58,642 --> 00:27:01,643 - But, you see... - I mean, we lock them up for 42 days; they take the smell. 427 00:27:02,643 --> 00:27:04,643 Let's press on now, to feasts. 428 00:27:04,643 --> 00:27:09,645 How did the Borgia Pope, Alexander VI, celebrate the Feast of the Chestnuts? 429 00:27:09,645 --> 00:27:13,646 - There is Alexandre VI. - He had someone stuffed with chestnuts? 430 00:27:13,646 --> 00:27:14,645 Oh... 431 00:27:14,645 --> 00:27:17,646 Oh, that's horrible, isn't it? That's a punishment. No, he was pretty... 432 00:27:17,646 --> 00:27:20,646 This is a pope we're talking about. His Holiness the Pope actually... 433 00:27:20,646 --> 00:27:26,648 No, he had prostitutes, naked prostitutes. He would throw the chestnuts on the floor, 434 00:27:26,648 --> 00:27:29,649 and they would grovel after them, picking them up, er, with their teeth... 435 00:27:29,649 --> 00:27:32,649 - Oh, of course, that's because he was a pope. - 'Cause, sort of... Exactly. Yeah. 436 00:27:33,650 --> 00:27:36,650 He wouldn't... He wouldn't stuff people with chestnuts; he was a pope! He... 437 00:27:37,650 --> 00:27:41,651 I thought it was gonna be something salacious, but that's not... 438 00:27:41,651 --> 00:27:45,652 Why can't we have popes like that again now? We have these popes who go around... 439 00:27:45,652 --> 00:27:48,652 - They may be like that. We just don't... Know. - Yeah, yeah, maybe they are. We don't know. 440 00:27:48,652 --> 00:27:53,653 There was one, Formosus, who made such an enemy of his successor, that when... 441 00:27:53,653 --> 00:27:56,654 His successor was Stephen VI, as pope... 442 00:27:56,654 --> 00:28:02,656 Had him dug up and put on trial. His body was put on trial. And he spent most of the trial yelling at the corpse, 443 00:28:02,656 --> 00:28:06,657 and someone behind it had to move it. I'm not kidding! 444 00:28:06,657 --> 00:28:08,657 "What have you got to say to that? As I thought, nothing." 445 00:28:08,657 --> 00:28:11,658 When they could get a word in, someone standing behind it would say, you know... 446 00:28:11,658 --> 00:28:13,658 Like a ventriloquist would say that he denied the charges. 447 00:28:13,658 --> 00:28:16,659 - Anyway, he was then condemned, erm... - To death! 448 00:28:17,659 --> 00:28:22,660 His three fingers he used to do papal blessings with, were cut off his skeleton. His ves... 449 00:28:22,660 --> 00:28:25,660 Did the man behind go, "Ow! Ow!"? 450 00:28:25,660 --> 00:28:28,661 "No! Not my fingers! Ah! Ah!" 451 00:28:28,661 --> 00:28:32,662 And he was condemned to be reburied in a common grave. But then... 452 00:28:32,662 --> 00:28:34,662 - "No! Not a common grave! Nooo!" - Yes. 453 00:28:35,663 --> 00:28:39,664 - "Get back in the box!" - But then Stephen... Then Stephen... 454 00:28:39,664 --> 00:28:41,664 "Get back in the box!" "No, get me out of the box!" "Get back in the box." "No, get me out of the box." 455 00:28:42,664 --> 00:28:47,666 But Stephen, who had done this to him, he was deposed, imprisoned, and then strangled. 456 00:28:47,666 --> 00:28:50,666 And then another pope called John IX, he brought Formosus back. 457 00:28:50,666 --> 00:28:55,667 His body had been rescued from the common grave. He was reburied as a pope again, so it was all well in the end. 458 00:28:55,667 --> 00:28:58,667 - Was he found innocent? Was he... Was the body... - He was found innocent, exactly. 459 00:28:58,667 --> 00:29:02,668 - That's a TV series, probably, isn't it? Pope Trial. - That's a long-running... 460 00:29:02,668 --> 00:29:06,669 - Certainly a long-running West End show. - Pope Idol. 461 00:29:08,670 --> 00:29:12,671 Even as I say that, there's a Channel 4 executive out there going, "Do you know what?" 462 00:29:13,671 --> 00:29:16,672 - I could see Ray Winstone as a corrupt pope, couldn't you? - Brilliant. 463 00:29:16,672 --> 00:29:20,673 "Oy! You! Slag! Chestnuts on the floor! Forage!" 464 00:29:27,675 --> 00:29:28,674 Oh, shaming. 465 00:29:28,674 --> 00:29:34,675 Anyway, the Borgia Pope celebrated the Feast of the Chestnuts with an evening of prostitute-racing in the Vatican. 466 00:29:34,675 --> 00:29:42,677 Now, er... Lastly, once again, to "F" for "forfeit". It's General Ignorance, so fingers on those buzzers, if you please. 467 00:29:42,677 --> 00:29:45,678 Name the inventor of rugby football. 468 00:29:46,678 --> 00:29:47,678 Yes? 469 00:29:47,678 --> 00:29:51,679 Er, it was invented at Rugby School when a boy picked the ball up and ran with it. 470 00:29:51,679 --> 00:29:52,079 Yeah. 471 00:29:52,079 --> 00:29:55,680 Mmmm, yeah, except it wasn't, oddly enough. I thought you might know his name. 472 00:29:55,680 --> 00:29:57,681 - William Webb Ellis. - William... Oh, thank you. 473 00:30:00,682 --> 00:30:03,681 That was like a Captain Oates job. I just threw myself... 474 00:30:03,681 --> 00:30:05,682 You did. You sacrificed yourself. You threw yourself on the grenade. 475 00:30:05,682 --> 00:30:09,683 - The... The Rugby World Cup's named after him. - The Webb Ellis Cup, yes. 476 00:30:09,683 --> 00:30:12,684 The odd thing is that they have this little memorial saying that, 477 00:30:12,684 --> 00:30:17,685 "with a fine disregard for the rules of the game as played, he first picked up the ball and ran", 478 00:30:17,685 --> 00:30:23,686 as if they'd all been playing football. But football wasn't codified till after they're claiming this rugby game happened. 479 00:30:23,686 --> 00:30:28,687 Rugby is an older game, and there were lots of ball-handling games like that, so no one really believes it. 480 00:30:28,687 --> 00:30:31,688 The story was first told three years after Webb Ellis died. 481 00:30:31,688 --> 00:30:35,689 And in the original football association rules, you were allowed to catch the ball, weren't you? 482 00:30:35,689 --> 00:30:37,689 - That... That was... - Yeah, I believe you were, until it was.. 483 00:30:37,689 --> 00:30:40,689 Can we see the picture again that was up before it? The one of... 484 00:30:40,689 --> 00:30:45,691 I... You look at that and you think, "My god, prison life gets easier and easier..." 485 00:30:46,691 --> 00:30:48,691 - I love those old Victorian team photos. - I do, because the chil... 486 00:30:48,691 --> 00:30:51,692 They're lounging about casually. Quite often, there'll be someone lying down. 487 00:30:52,692 --> 00:30:55,693 But when did those team photos start... When did people start... 488 00:30:55,693 --> 00:30:57,694 When was it, something to do with the war, when they got... 489 00:30:57,694 --> 00:31:02,695 Suddenly, it's all in lines, rigid lines, hands on knee. But all the Victorian-era ones are great with... 490 00:31:02,695 --> 00:31:05,696 - They are, they're absolutely lounging. - And sometimes they're just draped over one another. 491 00:31:07,696 --> 00:31:12,696 Yeah, why are they... When did it change? 'Cause you'd think, if anything, they'd be more rigid in that... 492 00:31:12,696 --> 00:31:17,698 You know, they'd have been more likely to be nicely in rows and all together, and less so as the years have gone on. 493 00:31:17,698 --> 00:31:20,698 If you absolutely had to, which one would you? 494 00:31:20,698 --> 00:31:21,698 Wh... What... 495 00:31:24,699 --> 00:31:28,700 Oh, I'm not going to give that away. 496 00:31:28,700 --> 00:31:30,701 - Which one would you first? - Oh, stop! 497 00:31:32,701 --> 00:31:35,702 - You're so bad. - Your stamina is... Is... All right, let's move on. 498 00:31:35,702 --> 00:31:41,703 Yeah, thank you... Yes, William Webb Ellis died unaware of his apocryphal role in sporting history, 499 00:31:41,703 --> 00:31:46,704 although the modern game certainly does have its roots in the 19th-century public school system. 500 00:31:46,704 --> 00:31:50,705 From Rugby to Eton: What was James Bond's job? 501 00:31:51,705 --> 00:31:53,705 He was a secret agent. 502 00:31:55,706 --> 00:31:57,706 Is that what you want me to say? 503 00:31:57,706 --> 00:32:02,708 Yeah. No, in the British Secret Service, an agent is an informant to what Bond was, 504 00:32:02,708 --> 00:32:03,708 which was an intelligence officer. 505 00:32:04,708 --> 00:32:06,709 You know how he got the job, Sean Connery? He went for the audition and then, 506 00:32:06,709 --> 00:32:09,709 he walked away and the producers watched him out of the window... 507 00:32:09,709 --> 00:32:12,710 - And Fleming. Fleming was present. - And Ian Fleming, I was about to say that; 508 00:32:12,710 --> 00:32:16,711 Ian Fleming was present. And he walked away, and they said he walked like a panther... 509 00:32:16,711 --> 00:32:17,710 Yeah. 510 00:32:17,710 --> 00:32:23,712 Which, when you think about it, would be on all fours. And would make him look like a ruddy lunatic. 511 00:32:23,712 --> 00:32:27,713 Not the sort of man you want botching up the schedule on an expensive film. 512 00:32:27,713 --> 00:32:29,713 "Oh, look at him, he's doin' it again. Sean, please, get up!" 513 00:32:30,713 --> 00:32:34,714 "There are no chestnuts down there, Sean, baby!" Erm, but... 514 00:32:34,714 --> 00:32:37,715 No, he does have a fabulously lithe walk, didn't he? 515 00:32:37,715 --> 00:32:41,716 What's the difference between your walk and your gait? Is... Is it the same thing? 516 00:32:41,716 --> 00:32:44,717 Not exactly, is it? The gait is the sort of... 517 00:32:45,717 --> 00:32:50,717 Picture, the angle. It's the signature of your walk. You can recognize someone by their gait... 518 00:32:50,717 --> 00:32:53,718 - Can you... Can your have gait even when you're stood still? - From miles away. They can be still, yeah. 519 00:32:53,718 --> 00:32:55,719 I recognize her by her gait. 520 00:32:58,719 --> 00:33:00,020 You bad boy! 521 00:33:00,720 --> 00:33:05,721 You know who's got the funniest walk? I think... I always... Is Liam Gallagher. 522 00:33:05,721 --> 00:33:06,721 - Oh, yes. - Does he? 523 00:33:06,721 --> 00:33:10,722 He's got that walk that you do... You know when you're 17, and you're out with your mates, and you do that...? 524 00:33:10,722 --> 00:33:14,723 Down... Well, you... Maybe you don't, but I had that sort of slightly... 525 00:33:14,723 --> 00:33:17,724 But he still does it, and he's what, about 47 now, isn't he? 526 00:33:18,724 --> 00:33:20,725 You know, well, Mick Jagger still does his... 527 00:33:20,725 --> 00:33:23,725 - Struts his... Kind of cockerel stuff. - Whatever you want to call it. It works. 528 00:33:23,725 --> 00:33:25,725 I imagine that he grew up in a house with very narrow doorways. 529 00:33:29,726 --> 00:33:32,727 Noel Gallagher's house was all French windows. 530 00:33:34,727 --> 00:33:36,728 They had it all knocked through. 531 00:33:37,728 --> 00:33:41,729 But Mick had a lot of little... Those funny little half-opening doors. 532 00:33:43,729 --> 00:33:46,730 Excellent. Well, there you are. That's it. You see, the security services... 533 00:33:48,731 --> 00:33:50,731 Still enjoying it. I'll do one more. 534 00:33:50,731 --> 00:33:56,733 No, it's good... He is virtually arseless, isn't he, Mick Jagger? He has no bottom. It's really odd. 535 00:33:56,733 --> 00:33:59,732 Apparently, someone else who's arseless is, er, Ian McShane. 536 00:33:59,732 --> 00:34:00,733 Is he arseless? 537 00:34:00,733 --> 00:34:02,733 Told on quite good authority by a costume person. 538 00:34:03,733 --> 00:34:06,734 It came up in conversation. Someone was saying, "Oh, Deadwood's very good. Have you seen Deadwood?" 539 00:34:06,734 --> 00:34:08,735 And then someone says, "But no bum." 540 00:34:09,735 --> 00:34:12,735 He must have... Mechanically, he must have something. 541 00:34:12,735 --> 00:34:14,736 He folds himself... 542 00:34:14,736 --> 00:34:16,736 He's got an anus. I'm sure he's got an anus. 543 00:34:16,736 --> 00:34:17,737 - Oh, all right, yeah. - They have to, er... 544 00:34:18,737 --> 00:34:21,738 - No buttocks. It's fascinating. Flat. - That's the point. 545 00:34:21,738 --> 00:34:25,739 It's a nightmare for a dresser, 'cause it'd keep falling... They have to staple his trousers to him. 546 00:34:26,739 --> 00:34:29,740 You'd have to have a little dresser girl behind him in all the scenes, just holding them up. 547 00:34:30,740 --> 00:34:34,740 I'd put a little... A little pelmet across there, and hang them from there. 548 00:34:34,740 --> 00:34:41,742 You could. An arse pelmet. So. The, erm, security services actually call their staff "officers". 549 00:34:41,742 --> 00:34:44,742 Agents are informants who are not members of staff. 550 00:34:44,742 --> 00:34:49,744 Why is Bedfordshire quite like Uzbekistan and Liechtenstein? 551 00:34:49,744 --> 00:34:53,745 Bedford's not got some claim to it being independent or something. It's not... 552 00:34:53,745 --> 00:34:55,745 No. Think about it on a map. 553 00:34:55,745 --> 00:34:59,746 - Same size? No, Uzbekistan's vast, isn't it? - No, no, no. 554 00:34:59,746 --> 00:35:03,747 - Got no coastline? - There... Not only is there no coastline, but... 555 00:35:03,747 --> 00:35:08,747 - There's no rivers. - They're what is known as doubly landlocked. 556 00:35:08,747 --> 00:35:10,748 No rivers that connect to the sea. 557 00:35:10,748 --> 00:35:12,748 - No, no. It's... - Ah, you've gotta go through someone else. 558 00:35:12,748 --> 00:35:17,749 Yeah. You have to go through two countries to get to the coast, not one. And that's very rare. 559 00:35:17,749 --> 00:35:20,750 Hang on, if you're in Bedfordshire, what are the two countries you go through to get to the ocean? 560 00:35:20,750 --> 00:35:22,751 In the case of Bedfordshire, it's counties, of course. 561 00:35:22,751 --> 00:35:26,752 - Oh, counties. So it doesn't really work, does it? - Well that... That's a typing error, that's not a... 562 00:35:26,752 --> 00:35:28,752 - You can be a landlocked county, a landlocked country... - Right. 563 00:35:28,752 --> 00:35:32,753 Or in the case of... Nebraska and Kansas are landlocked states, for example. 564 00:35:32,753 --> 00:35:35,754 We might even have a look at, er, Uzbekistan as well, on the map... 565 00:35:35,754 --> 00:35:41,754 and, as you see, you have to get through two countries, in this case Turkmenistan and Iran, to get to the sea. 566 00:35:41,754 --> 00:35:45,755 So, very... Doubly landlocked, that's the point, which makes it very difficult for a country to get, obviously. 567 00:35:45,755 --> 00:35:47,756 - No ports... - Are we going to see Bedfordshire, Stephen? 568 00:35:47,756 --> 00:35:50,757 We... Oh, would you like to see Bedfordshire? You shall see Bedfordshire. 569 00:35:50,757 --> 00:35:51,757 - Ah, look at that. - There we are. 570 00:35:51,757 --> 00:35:54,758 - Okay now, we know for sure. - Northamptonshire would be doubly landlocked, 571 00:35:54,758 --> 00:35:58,759 if it didn't have a tiny, 19-yard boundary with Lincolnshire. 572 00:36:00,759 --> 00:36:04,760 Amazing, isn't it? Otherwise, it would... Yeah, well, not that amazing, all right! Okay. 573 00:36:05,760 --> 00:36:09,761 But the... The West Midland county, if you can call it a county... I never really accepted it as a county, is the... 574 00:36:09,761 --> 00:36:13,761 The metropolitan county of the West Midlands is also doubly landlocked, you could argue, I think. 575 00:36:13,761 --> 00:36:16,762 You don't accept the West Midlands? 576 00:36:16,762 --> 00:36:19,763 Well, I don't think of it as a shire, you know, as a county. 577 00:36:19,763 --> 00:36:23,764 He's in denial. It's really sad. They're all... 578 00:36:23,764 --> 00:36:26,764 It's, I mean, lovely a place but, why not, you know, Warwickshire and things. So much easier if they're all shires. 579 00:36:26,764 --> 00:36:32,766 Now here's an easy one for you. What's the maximum amount of times, er, you can fold a piece of paper in half? 580 00:36:32,766 --> 00:36:33,766 Seven 581 00:36:35,767 --> 00:36:39,768 Seven, no. Yeah? And you had an answer, too? 582 00:36:39,768 --> 00:36:41,768 - Eight. - Oh! 583 00:36:44,769 --> 00:36:46,768 - Would there be a maximum? - Yes. 584 00:36:46,768 --> 00:36:48,769 - Yeah, have you never tried it? - Strangely not. 585 00:36:48,769 --> 00:36:50,769 - I'll try to do it now. - Try. Here's... No, here's some. 586 00:36:50,769 --> 00:36:51,770 - Ah, paper. - Yeah. 587 00:36:51,770 --> 00:36:53,770 "Pass one along to the boy next to you". 588 00:36:55,771 --> 00:36:57,771 "Come along, come on." Start folding. 589 00:36:57,771 --> 00:37:01,772 Two... Is it a race? Three... 590 00:37:02,772 --> 00:37:04,773 - Twenty-four... - Five.. 591 00:37:07,773 --> 00:37:09,774 - I'm struggling on six, Stephen. - Yeah, you would be. 592 00:37:09,774 --> 00:37:12,775 They've got some very exciting ideas for TV programmes these days. 593 00:37:14,775 --> 00:37:17,776 Paper folding, live! 594 00:37:18,776 --> 00:37:19,776 I cannot make it... 595 00:37:19,776 --> 00:37:21,776 - I can't do seven; I'm out at six. - I'm... Six. 596 00:37:21,776 --> 00:37:27,777 Yeah, that's that particular piece of paper, the A4 size. But an extraordinary thing, an American schoolchild... 597 00:37:28,778 --> 00:37:35,779 Developed a formula for determining the folding of paper, and we have that formula for you. You can examine it. 598 00:37:35,779 --> 00:37:39,780 There it is. She was very impressive. Her name was Britney Gallivan, 599 00:37:39,780 --> 00:37:43,781 and what it shows is, if you feed the various variables into it, 600 00:37:43,781 --> 00:37:49,783 "W" is width, "t" is thickness of paper, "L" is length of paper, that what you need 601 00:37:49,783 --> 00:37:53,783 is length and thickness in order to get the right number. 602 00:37:57,784 --> 00:37:58,784 Rob! 603 00:37:58,784 --> 00:38:00,784 - That's them! That's them! - That's the audience. 604 00:38:00,784 --> 00:38:04,785 - That's them. - Yeah. "You're running into danger!" 605 00:38:05,786 --> 00:38:07,786 - That's just gonna be snipped out... - Yeah. 606 00:38:07,786 --> 00:38:10,787 And straight on YouTube. 607 00:38:10,787 --> 00:38:12,787 It's gonna be a ringtone. It'll be everything. 608 00:38:13,788 --> 00:38:16,788 - "What you need is length and thickness." "Hello?" - Are you flirting with me? 609 00:38:19,789 --> 00:38:21,790 Damn you all. You want... 610 00:38:21,790 --> 00:38:24,790 And that'll be for text messages. 611 00:38:24,790 --> 00:38:27,790 - "Damn you all." "I've got a text." - You want "t" to be a low number, 612 00:38:27,790 --> 00:38:32,791 so thickness is, if I'm finished... Thickness low, length long. Right? 613 00:38:32,791 --> 00:38:37,793 And she... She demonstrated this by using a long sheet of lavatory paper, in fact, which was very thin, 614 00:38:37,793 --> 00:38:39,793 and she managed to fold it twelve times. 615 00:38:40,793 --> 00:38:44,794 And finally, what does it mean when the Union Flag is flying over Buckingham Palace? 616 00:38:46,795 --> 00:38:47,795 Yes, young Andrew? 617 00:38:47,795 --> 00:38:49,796 - I'm gonna regret this. - Oh, be careful. 618 00:38:49,796 --> 00:38:51,796 Er, it means that... 619 00:38:51,796 --> 00:38:55,797 The Queen's home, coming out to have a cup of tea. That's what it means. The Queen's in. 620 00:38:55,797 --> 00:38:57,797 Ah, no, it does not mean the Queen is in. 621 00:38:58,798 --> 00:39:00,798 It means... 622 00:39:00,798 --> 00:39:01,797 Yeah? 623 00:39:01,797 --> 00:39:06,799 It means the Queen is about to get home, put the electric blanket on. 624 00:39:10,800 --> 00:39:13,800 - They... - Don't they fly the Royal Standard when the Queen's home? 625 00:39:13,800 --> 00:39:15,801 When the Queen is home, they fly the Royal Standard. 626 00:39:15,801 --> 00:39:22,803 Since 1997, when the Queen is not home, they fly the... The Union Flag. 627 00:39:23,803 --> 00:39:24,803 Yes? 628 00:39:24,803 --> 00:39:26,804 - It was... Princess Diana died. - Princess Diana died. 629 00:39:26,804 --> 00:39:31,805 The Queen was in Balmoral, being played by Helen Mirren at the time, if you remember, and... 630 00:39:32,805 --> 00:39:38,806 And what happened was, there was no flag to fly at half-mast. You couldn't fly the Royal Standard at half-mast, 631 00:39:38,806 --> 00:39:45,807 because it was against all protocol. It was such a mess, the whole thing, that they then decided, all right, in future, 632 00:39:45,807 --> 00:39:50,808 just in case the... The sovereign is not at home, instead of there being, as you say; a bare flagpole, 633 00:39:50,808 --> 00:39:55,810 we will have the Union Flag, so that then, when someone dies that the nation decides it's very fond of, 634 00:39:55,810 --> 00:39:58,810 they can go half-mast with that. 635 00:39:58,810 --> 00:40:03,812 That was a great movie, but there was one moment in that, that I just did not believe at all, which was: 636 00:40:03,812 --> 00:40:10,812 She was out in Sandringham I think, or somewhere, Balmoral... Out in the Moors, you know, with a Land Rover, and a stag... 637 00:40:10,812 --> 00:40:11,813 That was a great scene, though. 638 00:40:11,813 --> 00:40:15,814 Well, it was a great scene, but she says, "Oh, shoo, you beauty," or whatever. 639 00:40:15,814 --> 00:40:18,814 She's a member of the royal family; she'd have blown it to bits! 640 00:40:19,815 --> 00:40:22,815 They should've dubbed on Philip going, "Keep it there!" 641 00:40:25,816 --> 00:40:27,817 "It's talking to Betty! Come!" 642 00:40:28,817 --> 00:40:31,818 He called her "Cabbage" in the film, didn't he, rather oddly? 643 00:40:32,818 --> 00:40:35,819 -'Cause she smells like a cabbage. - The, um... 644 00:40:36,819 --> 00:40:37,819 Shame on you! 645 00:40:37,819 --> 00:40:40,820 Imagine... Imagine if you looked around and I just wasn't here now. 646 00:40:44,820 --> 00:40:45,820 Good Lord. 647 00:40:46,320 --> 00:40:49,321 When David Walliams met the Queen after swimming the Channel, and... 648 00:40:49,321 --> 00:40:53,322 He took his mum with him. And the Queen came along and then Prince Philip, and the Queen said, 649 00:40:53,322 --> 00:40:55,322 "Now you... You swam the Channel, didn't you?" And he said, "Yes, ma'am." 650 00:40:55,322 --> 00:40:59,323 And he goes, "And that's not all you do, is it?" And he said, "No, I'm in a comedy show." 651 00:40:59,323 --> 00:41:04,325 "Oh, very good." And then, off she went. And then, Prince Philip came, and he said to David's mum, 652 00:41:04,325 --> 00:41:07,325 "Are there any more nutters in your family?" 653 00:41:48,527 --> 00:41:52,527 Good. Anyway, the Queen's Flag Sergeant hoists the Union Flag 654 00:41:52,527 --> 00:41:54,527 when the Queen is not in residence at Buckingham Palace. 655 00:41:54,527 --> 00:42:01,529 It's the Royal Standard that flies when the Queen is at home. And so, we've circumnavigated the QI world and come 656 00:42:01,529 --> 00:42:08,531 all the way back to flags. But let's see who's been flying high with the wind in their sails, and who's been flagging behind. 657 00:42:08,531 --> 00:42:13,532 Oh my word, my goodnessy wordington. Tonight, our jolly roger, with eight points, 658 00:42:13,532 --> 00:42:15,532 is Charlie Higson! 659 00:42:20,533 --> 00:42:25,534 And, er, well, pretty ship-shape, with minus eight, 660 00:42:25,534 --> 00:42:27,534 - it's Rob Brydon! - Yay! 661 00:42:31,535 --> 00:42:37,537 But, er, sailing rather close to the wind, with minus fifteen points, Andy Hamilton! 662 00:42:42,538 --> 00:42:46,539 And finally, walking the plank, with a report card that's all "F"s, 663 00:42:46,539 --> 00:42:48,539 Alan with minus nineteen! 664 00:42:55,541 --> 00:43:00,541 So, all that remains for me is to thank Andy, Rob, Charlie, and Alan, 665 00:43:00,541 --> 00:43:04,542 and as we lower the QI flag, we raise a glass to curiosity, 666 00:43:04,542 --> 00:43:10,544 for as Dorothy Parker once said, "The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity." 667 00:43:10,544 --> 00:43:15,545 And as Steve Wright added, "Curiosity killed the cat. But for a while, I was a suspect." 668 00:43:15,545 --> 00:43:16,545 Good night.