2 00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:37,200 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome. 3 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:42,640 Welcome one and welcome all once again to Never Mind The Buzzcocks. 4 00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:47,240 I'm Natasha Kaplinsky and I'm not wearing any pants. 5 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:49,500 No, no, I fooled you. Actually, I'm Stephen, really, 6 00:00:49,500 --> 00:00:52,500 and this IS QI, though I'm not wearing pants. 7 00:00:52,500 --> 00:00:56,500 Tonight, we are playing footloose and fancy free 8 00:00:56,500 --> 00:01:01,760 with the facts as we filter the fabrications of fakes, frauds and fakirs. 9 00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:04,800 Let's meet our four finagling fraudsters. 10 00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:09,560 We have World Heavyweight boxing champion, Sean Lock. 12 00:01:16,500 --> 00:01:19,920 We have the President of Mauritius, Jimmy Carr! 14 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:29,200 His identical twin sister, Marcus Brigstocke. 16 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:39,080 And the late Hugh Montgomery-Massingberd. 18 00:01:46,500 --> 00:01:49,320 All right. Now, you might like to reveal who you really are, 19 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:53,200 but, before I sell you all, thank you, you can bring that down. 20 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,600 Thank you very much. 21 00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:57,880 Before I sell you all a pup, let's hear your suspicious noises. 22 00:01:57,880 --> 00:01:58,920 Sean goes... 24 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,040 Jimmy goes... 26 00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:09,500 Marcus goes... 27 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:14,120 And Alan goes... 28 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:20,680 Which brings me to my first sleight of hand. Could you tell me 29 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:23,040 all what your buzzer noises are? Jimmy first. 31 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:26,160 What's that noise? 32 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:27,400 A camera, like a like. 34 00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:32,360 - No, actually... - It's a... 36 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:38,560 - That's a phone. - Is it not... 37 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:43,680 Is it not a... It's a bird that can mimic sounds and it learned 38 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:46,500 - how to do the camera shutter. - So what sort of bird would that be? 39 00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:47,500 A Kodak bird. 40 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:54,500 - It's not that. It's from Australia. - Oh, the kookaburra. 40 00:02:54,500 --> 00:02:55,800 No. 41 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:59,400 - Sheila. - No. The audience knows, say again loudly? 42 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:00,600 Lyrebird! 43 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:02,920 Lyre, they're all shouting 'lyre' at you! 44 00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:05,080 You've robbed my point. 45 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:07,560 You get one, the audience gets five. 47 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:18,080 In fact, they're a specific breed of lyrebird called 48 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:21,240 - the superb lyrebird. - It can mimic anything? 49 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:23,080 - Almost anything. - I'd make it woof. 50 00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:26,120 How funny would that be if you had a bird that woofed? 51 00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:29,500 I'd get it to do limericks. 52 00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:32,640 - It does dogs. - I'd probably get it to do Bill Oddie. 53 00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:38,240 Surely that should be a bearded tit if it was any bird. 54 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:42,120 You're thinking of Rory McGrath. 55 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:46,040 True! Yours was a superb lyre. 56 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:47,560 Marcus, let's hear yours. 58 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:56,880 It could easily be a builder, couldn't it? Seeing a lady go past, 59 00:03:56,880 --> 00:04:00,840 but it sounds like a car alarm. 61 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:05,680 - Oh. Thank you for joining in. - I just wanted to see that happen. 62 00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:06,920 Lyrebird! 63 00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:09,920 Yes! He's right! 65 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:20,440 And here it is making that noise. 67 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:26,880 It's lyre, incidentally - L-Y-R-E, not... 68 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:29,500 I knew that. Would I have got a point if I'd said that? 69 00:04:29,500 --> 00:04:33,680 Uh... No. Because it's tail is said to resemble the shape of a Greek lyre, 70 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:35,440 the plucking instrument, a lyre. 71 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:37,840 And let's hear your buzzer, Sean, if we may? 72 00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:38,880 It's a lyrebird. 74 00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:47,500 - I don't know what it's mimicking. - It's doing a saw, isn't it? 75 00:04:47,500 --> 00:04:48,680 - It's doing logging. It's mimicking logging. - Chainsaw. 76 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,400 It is indeed doing a chainsaw. 77 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:51,920 Is it a lyrebird? 78 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:55,040 It's a lyrebird. You seem to have got the hang of this. 79 00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:57,120 - That's very annoying. So Alan... - The thing about... 81 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:00,600 - That's a lyrebird. - Nooo!! 83 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:08,600 - No. No. Oh, dear. No. - Even as I said it, I knew it wasn't. 84 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,760 Even as it was coming out of my mouth, story of my bloody life. 85 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:13,720 - That was a telephone. - Yeah? 86 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,600 - Couldn't you tell? - No, I thought it was... 87 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:19,960 Ironically, Alan, the big siren that went off there - it was a lyrebird. 88 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:24,500 I can't see that bird surviving for much longer - if it's doing 89 00:05:24,500 --> 00:05:26,760 impressions of the chainsaw that's coming towards it. 89 00:05:27,500 --> 00:05:28,760 'Oh, I do... I can do chainsaws...' 90 00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:31,160 But how does it benefit it, in the wild... 91 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:34,280 How does it benefit it being able to mimic the noises of other things? 92 00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:36,520 It does a lot of kids parties and a lot of... 93 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:42,520 It seems to be a useful mechanism for it... And for other birds, like parrots as we know it, 94 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:45,520 and myna birds, and something called a 'drongo'. 95 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:51,520 The drongo imitates the alarm calls of other birds, and cleverly it knows which bird is with, 96 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:56,520 and only will do the alarm call of the kookaburra, if it's with a kookaburra, say. 97 00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:58,520 That's clever, but it's also an insult in Australia. 98 00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:01,520 - To be called 'a drongo'. - Do you know why? 99 00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:04,520 N... No, I wish I did, I've been called it several times by... 100 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:06,520 An Australian friend of mine. 101 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:11,520 It is, actually... It's the proper name for a bird and always was, but in the 1920's there was a race horse 102 00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:12,520 - called 'Drongo'. - Right. 103 00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:14,520 Who seemed to loose every single race... 104 00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:19,520 - That he was put in. And in Australia, the word 'drongo'... - That explains it, I was doing hurdles at the time. 105 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:22,520 You didn't get any horses called 'Fred', do you? Or 'Sam'? 106 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:23,520 - Gerard. - Gerard? 107 00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:26,520 - 'The brigadier Gerard', even. - There was one called 'Simon'. In the Grand Nationals, 108 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:27,520 - this year. - Simon? 109 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:29,520 - Just 'Simon'? - Yep, that had MY forty quid. 110 00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:32,520 'Simon the horse'. 111 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:36,520 - He's not anymore, dog food now. - Yeah. 112 00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:40,520 There's one called 'Eric', in a joke. 113 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:42,520 - Oh, a lovely joke. One of my favourites. - I love that joke. 114 00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:43,520 Would you like to share it with us, 115 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:47,520 - just for the sake of it? - Yes! A white horse goes into a pub. And er... 116 00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:51,520 Enters the pub, and the landlord says: 'We've got a drink named after you!' 117 00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:52,520 And he says, 'What, Eric?' 118 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,520 - That's... That's it, really. - Simple, whole and pure... 119 00:06:57,520 --> 00:06:59,520 - Yeah, I like the way you threw it away. - Yeah. 120 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:06,520 The world record for any talking bird appears to be 1728 words, 121 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:10,520 which is the same vocabulary as a it happens, of an estate agent. Apparently. Um... 122 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:13,520 There was a budgerigar named 'Puck', in 1995. 123 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,520 - Who had this... - Who sold three semis. 124 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:19,520 - Yeah! Who sold semis... - But can he do sentences? Or just... Just words? 125 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:21,520 I don't know. I don't know. 126 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:23,520 I simply, don't know. Um... 127 00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:26,520 - So, do you know this one, or not? - I don't know. 128 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:27,520 - You don't know? - I don't have the... 129 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:28,520 - Well, do you or not!? - I don't. 130 00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:33,520 They're not really words, though, are they? They're not words, are they? 131 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:34,520 What aren't? 132 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,520 Well, when birds say words, they're not words, 133 00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:38,520 - they're noises. - No, to our ears they, er, they sound like... 134 00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:40,520 Do you know people want to learn to talk to the animals, don't they, 135 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:43,520 people say 'I'd like to talk to the animals' would actually be quite dull, wouldn't it? 136 00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:45,520 Talking to animals, 'What do you do?' 137 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:46,520 - 'Just go out, eat some food..' - 'Eat grass...' 137 00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:48,520 'Grunt and squeak and squawk...' 138 00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:49,520 'Didn't get killed. Turned out allright.' 139 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:53,520 'Got out of bed, shat right next to the bed, got back in to it.' 140 00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:57,520 - It's the sort of thing they do. - Yeah, disgusting. 141 00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,520 Yeah, I think you're right. Anyway, moving on. 142 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:04,500 The first three were the work of the finest fib in the forest, the superb lyrebird, 143 00:08:04,500 --> 00:08:07,500 which can imitate just about any sound it hears. 144 00:08:07,500 --> 00:08:12,500 So now, what was unusual about the pig-faced lady? 145 00:08:12,500 --> 00:08:13,500 She had eight tits. 146 00:08:15,500 --> 00:08:17,500 As well... She wasn't really a lady, she was a pig. 147 00:08:18,500 --> 00:08:20,500 Yeah, if that's her, that is a pig. 148 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,500 No no no. There was a very famous... 149 00:08:22,500 --> 00:08:25,500 In fact, there were a number of famous pig-faced ladies in the nineteenth century. 150 00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:27,500 Might be a curiosity in a tent, and have... 151 00:08:27,500 --> 00:08:29,500 Thank you, that's it. Say that again... 152 00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:32,500 - so that the ladies and gentlemen can hear. - Pleasure. A curiosity in a tent. 153 00:08:32,500 --> 00:08:36,500 - Exactly right, it was a... - My favourite sort of curiosity. A tented curiosity. 154 00:08:36,500 --> 00:08:42,500 A tented curio... It was a big draw in the nineteenth century for people to go, pay money to see the pig-faced lady. 155 00:08:42,500 --> 00:08:46,500 The thing, obviously, about those freak shows is, rather than pay to go into the tent, 156 00:08:46,500 --> 00:08:48,500 why don't you just wait for them to finish work and they go down the shops? 157 00:08:49,500 --> 00:08:53,500 You don't get all the build-up, though, do you? If they're just down the shop, 158 00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:54,500 you don't get someone saying 158 00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:58,500 'Prepare for the wonderful... Oh, she's just buying biscuits'. It's not... 159 00:08:59,500 --> 00:09:00,500 It's not the same thing. 160 00:09:00,500 --> 00:09:02,500 Was it, was it a bearded lady that they shaved? 161 00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:04,500 No, but it was a shaved... 162 00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:06,500 - Did they... - Pig. 163 00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:07,500 - No. - Monkey? 164 00:09:07,500 --> 00:09:08,500 - She was like a pig... - Chimp? 165 00:09:08,500 --> 00:09:10,500 No, not a monkey, monkeys would have to be huge, it'd have to be a gorilla. 166 00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:11,500 Horse? 167 00:09:11,500 --> 00:09:12,500 All right, a gorilla. 168 00:09:12,500 --> 00:09:13,500 - Horse? - Cow! Cow! 169 00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:15,500 - Not a cow. - A pig! 170 00:09:15,500 --> 00:09:17,500 No, a pig would be too small to be convincing... 171 00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:19,500 - No, pigs... Pigs are massive. - Donkey. A donkey. 173 00:09:19,500 --> 00:09:22,500 - You're thinking about little pigs in cartoons. - Yeah but they're not going to stand up on two legs, though, 174 00:09:22,500 --> 00:09:24,500 and... Look like a human. 175 00:09:24,500 --> 00:09:26,500 You put a dress on most things, they can pull it off. 176 00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:30,500 Take mine, I've put a dress on. 177 00:09:30,500 --> 00:09:32,500 - I think I've heard of this one. - Yeah? 178 00:09:32,500 --> 00:09:34,500 - Is it a bear? - Yes, thank you it's a bear. 179 00:09:34,500 --> 00:09:35,500 They shaved... 180 00:09:35,500 --> 00:09:37,500 - They would get a bear drunk, - A bear? 181 00:09:37,500 --> 00:09:40,500 - shave the bears face... - Get a bear drunk? And shave it? 182 00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:42,500 They've got this show backwards, that's what you want to see! 183 00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:47,500 I don't care about a pig-faced woman, I want to see a man trying to shave a bear! 185 00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:54,500 'Have another drink, I'm not going to do anything to ya!'. That's insane! 186 00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:56,500 And then, then they stick his arm in a beehive. 187 00:09:59,500 --> 00:10:04,500 When they got them drunk, was this, like, paraletic, so it would then pass out and they'd shave it, 188 00:10:04,500 --> 00:10:06,500 or drunk enough to persuade it that this... 189 00:10:07,500 --> 00:10:08,500 - One or the other. - Would work? 190 00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:12,500 Drunk enough for it not to wipe your face off with it... One swipe of it's claw. 191 00:10:13,500 --> 00:10:15,500 'Hot towel, sir?' 'Rrrrawwwrrr!' 192 00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:23,500 'I got it. God, what've I got? It's a bootiful life I got'. Here's a quite interesting thing. 193 00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:28,500 - Yeah? - Water softens beard bristle up better than shaving foam. 194 00:10:28,500 --> 00:10:32,500 - Does it? - Yeah. Shaving foam is a con. 195 00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:39,500 I think there's a current advert on for some skin preparation for men, 196 00:10:39,500 --> 00:10:42,500 it goes on about how your skin can get 'stronger'. 197 00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:46,500 Obviously they don't want to market moisturiser to men, so they call it 'face protector'. 198 00:10:46,500 --> 00:10:47,500 Yes. 199 00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:49,500 Like it's, it's stopping bullets hitting your face. 200 00:10:50,500 --> 00:10:54,500 Put this on, it's not to do with making me all soft and lovely, 201 00:10:54,500 --> 00:11:00,500 it's actually 'bang' and 'bosh' it away. People are throwing kettles at me, I'm going 'bing'! 202 00:11:02,500 --> 00:11:06,500 They have, of course, bearded ladies you've mentioned, there's been a long tradition of those. 203 00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:11,500 There was one rather sweet story of a bearded lady who fell in love with a contortionist in the, erm... 204 00:11:11,500 --> 00:11:13,500 This sounds like an old joke, doesn't it? 205 00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:14,500 I know, it really does sound like a... 206 00:11:14,500 --> 00:11:15,500 But it wasn't a joke. 207 00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:18,500 He wouldn't marry her because he couldn't really face the idea, 208 00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:21,500 every morning, of staring at a bearded woman, 209 00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:24,500 but also if she shaved they couldn't get married because they wouldn't have enough income, 210 00:11:24,500 --> 00:11:29,500 because her income came from the fact that she was a very successful bearded lady, and er... 211 00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:31,500 So he shaved a bear and married that? 212 00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:38,500 No, some else suggested that she shave and cover herself in tattoos and she became the first tattooed lady 213 00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:41,500 and they married and lived very happily ever after. Which was rather touching. 214 00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:44,500 But if he was a contortionist, they could've had sex and he could be in a different room. 215 00:11:44,500 --> 00:11:48,500 That's, indeed, the nature of exactly that. 216 00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:53,500 Samuel Gumpertz was considered the king of the freak show people at Coney Island, 217 00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:57,500 he had a 1911 show that included 'Ursa, the bear girl', 'Bonita'... 218 00:11:58,500 --> 00:12:00,500 - Was she a naked lady? - No, no. 219 00:12:00,500 --> 00:12:02,500 - Bare girl is misleading I think. - B-E-A-R. 221 00:12:02,500 --> 00:12:04,100 I imagine a lot of people paid their money and went, 222 00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:08,500 'Aw, this is rubbish. She just looks like a bear. If anything, I'm turned off.' 223 00:12:09,500 --> 00:12:14,500 There was 'Bonita', I don't know why this is funny, 'The Irish Fat Midget'... 224 00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:17,500 You don't know why that's funny? 225 00:12:17,500 --> 00:12:18,500 Yeah, yeah I would've said that. 226 00:12:19,500 --> 00:12:26,500 'Lionel the dog-faced boy' and, um, 'Schrief Afendl - The Human Salamander'. 227 00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:28,500 Salamanders can go in fire, can't they? 228 00:12:28,500 --> 00:12:30,500 - Yes, that was the legend, - So he would stand in fire. 229 00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:32,500 presumably that's what happened. 230 00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:34,500 How long can a salamander go in fire? 231 00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:36,500 'Till it's cooked. 232 00:12:40,500 --> 00:12:44,500 Well there you have it anyway, the pig-faced lady was neither pig-faced nor a lady, 233 00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:48,500 she was in fact a drunken bear with a shaven head. 234 00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:56,500 Now, what was Count Victor Lustig's dastardly scheme for Guy de Maupassant's favourite restaurant in Paris? 235 00:12:56,500 --> 00:13:01,500 Did he put a creepy black-and-white cardboard cut-out of himself in the middle of the place? 236 00:13:01,500 --> 00:13:08,500 Guy de Maupassant, nineteenth century French writer, like many French writers... 237 00:13:08,500 --> 00:13:13,500 A surprising number of French writers and artists in the nineteenth century objected to something new 238 00:13:13,500 --> 00:13:16,500 - that hit Paris in 1889... - The Eiffel Tower. 239 00:13:16,500 --> 00:13:24,500 The Eiffel Tower, they absolutely loathed it, Guy de Maupassant loathed it so much, his favourite restaurant was...? 240 00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:27,500 'The Eiffel Tower is Crap Bistro' 241 00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:29,500 No, it was in the Eiffel Tower... 242 00:13:29,500 --> 00:13:31,500 Oh, so he didn't have to look at it. 243 00:13:31,500 --> 00:13:33,500 - So, exactly, it was the one place in Paris, - The Jules Verne restaurant. 244 00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:37,500 where he couldn't see the Eiffel Tower, was inside the Eiffel Tower. 245 00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:40,500 Could he not just ask for, perhaps, a chair facing the other way? 246 00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:45,500 But he was a French writer trying to make a point and therefore a git. 247 00:13:47,500 --> 00:13:52,500 But that's only half the story, what did Count Victor Lustig do to the Eiffel Tower ? 248 00:13:52,500 --> 00:13:55,500 - He sold it to someone. - Oh! Alan, you're on fire tonight! 249 00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:59,500 - On fire! I'm a salamander! - You are on fire, you are a salamander. 250 00:13:59,500 --> 00:14:02,500 He did indeed sell it, congratulations, many points! 251 00:14:07,500 --> 00:14:08,500 That's quite a good salamander. 252 00:14:08,500 --> 00:14:09,500 They do that foot thing? 253 00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:10,500 They probably do. 254 00:14:10,500 --> 00:14:12,500 Cooling foot... Cooling foot... 255 00:14:14,500 --> 00:14:16,500 A salamander is amongst us. 256 00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:20,500 So he... He sold the Eiffel Tower? 257 00:14:20,500 --> 00:14:22,500 To a gullible tourist or something. 258 00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:24,500 Well, actually in this case it was scrap metal dealers. 259 00:14:24,500 --> 00:14:30,500 He claimed that he had the single right given to him by the Ministry of Posts and Telegraphy to the sale 260 00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:37,500 and he could personally decide who would get the scrap metal rights and he told this to two scrap metal dealers, 261 00:14:37,500 --> 00:14:44,500 and they both realised that as he was a French official he could be bribed, and so they paid him a large bribe 262 00:14:44,500 --> 00:14:45,500 for the rights to it. 263 00:14:45,500 --> 00:14:48,500 He told them that it was going to be pulled down and that he had the right... 264 00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:50,500 - ...to dispose of the structure. - It was never a permanent thing, was it, 265 00:14:50,500 --> 00:14:53,500 - they put it up for, like, a couple of years... - It wasn't, exactly, so it was a pretty convincing con. 266 00:14:53,500 --> 00:14:55,500 It's like that big wheel on the South Bank, that was meant to be up for two years and they went 267 00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:57,500 'Do you know what, I like it, let's keep it'. 268 00:14:58,500 --> 00:15:01,500 They were fairground people, the, New Labour, when they came in, they went 269 00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:04,500 'Yeah what we need is a Millennium dome and a big Ferris Wheel.' 270 00:15:04,500 --> 00:15:06,500 'Come on, if you want to go faster, you gotta scream louder'. 271 00:15:08,500 --> 00:15:14,500 And there's loads of... Pregnant teenagers knocking on number ten going 'Where are you? You've moved on'. 272 00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:22,500 There was a great former actor from Glasgow called Arthur Furguson, he sold Nelson's Column, lions included, 273 00:15:22,500 --> 00:15:29,500 to an American tourist for £ 6,000 and on a trip to Paris he managed to sell the Eiffel Tower as well, also for scrap, 274 00:15:29,500 --> 00:15:31,500 - to another gullible American... - I love these people. 275 00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:32,500 He then moved to the U.S. 276 00:15:32,500 --> 00:15:36,500 Do you think they try lots and lots of people and eventually someone bites? 277 00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:38,500 - He sold the White House to an American... - It's just brilliant. 278 00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:42,500 Sell me! Sell me! 279 00:15:42,500 --> 00:15:47,500 He then tried to sell the Statue of Liberty to an Australian and that's where it fell down. But, er, he went... 280 00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:49,500 - You'd be suspicious. - 'Ah now, come on mate...' 281 00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:51,500 He didn't even have the keys. 282 00:15:52,500 --> 00:15:56,500 'How am I gonna get it home?' 283 00:15:58,500 --> 00:15:59,500 'Where's the guarantee?' 284 00:16:00,500 --> 00:16:06,500 Well in case we think that this is something that's gone away, only this year, 2008, ladies and gentlemen, as we go... 285 00:16:06,500 --> 00:16:09,500 Two businessmen called Terry Collins and Marcel Boekhoorn 286 00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:17,500 were conned out of £ 1,000,000 by an unemployed, bankrupt lorry driver named Tony Lee who claimed to be acting 287 00:16:17,500 --> 00:16:26,500 for the real owners in the sale of the Ritz Hotel. And they paid one million pounds as a sort of down payment on the Ritz. 288 00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:27,500 A million. 289 00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:33,500 Now, what kind of animal might be interested in buying some snake oil? I have some here. 290 00:16:34,500 --> 00:16:35,500 Yes. 291 00:16:35,500 --> 00:16:36,500 Pigface lady. 292 00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:38,500 Good point. 293 00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:40,500 - Is it made from snakes? - Yep. 294 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:43,500 - The oil of a snake. - Oil from a snake. 295 00:16:43,500 --> 00:16:45,500 - I imagine you'd just wring 'em out, they're quite long. - Yeah. 296 00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:48,500 You'd get someone at the other end like do the towel, just keep turning. 297 00:16:49,500 --> 00:16:52,500 Plenty, exactly. Like a... Is that a Vileda mop you where doing there? 298 00:16:52,500 --> 00:16:56,500 It's not venom or anything, is it taken from the venom, or... 299 00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:58,500 No, not from the venom, no. It's, it's an oil from the snake. 300 00:16:58,500 --> 00:17:02,500 But, there's a particular animal that has shown to benefit from it, and maybe we would too? 301 00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:05,500 Is it.. Is it a snake with bad joints? 302 00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:09,500 No, Jimmy. Not... 303 00:17:09,500 --> 00:17:10,500 - Not a snake? - No. 304 00:17:10,500 --> 00:17:13,500 What do we mean by 'snake oil' when we use the phrase these days? 305 00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:17,500 It means that it's something that's not what it says it is. It's... It's a con, it's a fraud. 306 00:17:17,500 --> 00:17:19,500 - Yeah. A sort of Payton Nedson... - Snake oil salesman. 307 00:17:19,500 --> 00:17:23,500 In the 19th century, when the Chinese arrived in America in large numbers, 308 00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:26,500 they used it as a kind of potion, a health thing amongst themselves. 309 00:17:26,500 --> 00:17:31,500 And the snake oil salesman, as it where, had their own nostrums, 310 00:17:31,500 --> 00:17:35,500 their own tonics, and they dismissed snake oil, that's precisely what they said, you know, 311 00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:38,500 'Don't listen to people who try and sell you snake oil. This is the real stuff.' 312 00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:43,500 But in fact, the irony is; snake oil has been shown to be rather good. 313 00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:47,500 Particularly, Chinese snake oil, 'cause it's full of omega 3. 314 00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:51,500 And on mice, it's shown that it's improved their abilities to negotiate mazes 315 00:17:51,500 --> 00:17:54,500 and strengthen their muscles. And increase... 316 00:17:54,500 --> 00:17:55,500 - They can swim better... - In real life, of course, 317 00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:57,500 they're probably not even IN mazes. 318 00:17:57,500 --> 00:17:58,500 No, in real life... 319 00:17:58,500 --> 00:18:01,500 You put them in mazes, 'There, look! They're better at getting out of mazes.' 320 00:18:02,500 --> 00:18:06,500 And they're just going, 'God, get me out of the maze, and stop giving me this stuff to drink.' 321 00:18:07,500 --> 00:18:11,500 The idea of saying to mice in nature, 'Yeah, what you want is more... Eat more snakes.' 322 00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:14,500 - And the mouse is going, 'Yeah, the thing is...' - Yeah. 323 00:18:14,500 --> 00:18:17,500 - 'They can be a bit aggressive'. - Yeah. 324 00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:19,500 'I tell you what, do I get this one from the inside?' 325 00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:29,500 The most famous woman faced, some believe, in the 19th century, was a woman called Lydia Pinkham. 326 00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:34,500 Who was responsible for a very famous Peyton medicine, called her 'compound'. 327 00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:36,500 Is that where 'Lily the Pink' comes from? 328 00:18:36,500 --> 00:18:39,500 Where 'Lily the Pink' comes from. A sixties song by The Scaffold. 329 00:18:39,500 --> 00:18:44,500 And it's her vegetable compound. It was a huge success. And her face was on it. 330 00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:47,500 And of course, most of these things had alcohol in, which by the earliest 20th century 331 00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:50,500 meant they where very popular in prohibition. 332 00:18:50,500 --> 00:18:56,500 It turns out, ironically, that snake oil empirically has been discovered to be good, at least for mice. 333 00:18:56,500 --> 00:19:01,500 It comes from the Chinese water snake and it's a source for omega 3, highly healthy acid. 334 00:19:01,500 --> 00:19:03,500 Now, let's move on. 335 00:19:03,500 --> 00:19:08,500 Er, describe the Scandal of Mrs Pankhurst and the rhubarb jam. 336 00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:12,500 Pankhurst, she was a... Suffragettes and jam? 337 00:19:12,500 --> 00:19:15,500 We don't say 'suffragettes' anymore, we say 'favours the flatter shoe'. 338 00:19:19,500 --> 00:19:23,500 Did she make her own jam? 'Pankhurst own rhubarb jam'? 339 00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:25,500 - Did she keep the leaves? - Well, no. But, actually... 340 00:19:25,500 --> 00:19:29,500 In the 19th century, and in the early parts of the 20th century, there was an enormous industry... 341 00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:33,500 Involved around making fake jams. Would you believe? 342 00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:34,500 - Fake jams? - Fake jams. 343 00:19:34,500 --> 00:19:38,500 They're a particular kind of jam that was very popular, but rather expensive for ordinary people. 344 00:19:38,500 --> 00:19:43,500 And so, fake versions of it where produced. And it was a particular fruit jam. 345 00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:44,500 Strawberry. Raspberry. 346 00:19:44,500 --> 00:19:46,500 Raspberry is the answer. Raspberry was very popular, 347 00:19:46,500 --> 00:19:48,500 - very, very popular. - Points... 348 00:19:48,500 --> 00:19:53,500 But rather expensive. So, instead, people used rhubarb was your best shot. 349 00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:56,500 - The worst shot was sweetened turnips. - Did they put the pips in it? 350 00:19:56,500 --> 00:19:59,500 And, as Marcus said, under his breath there... 351 00:19:59,500 --> 00:20:02,500 - Yes, did they... - And I caught it, yes they did put wooden pips in. 352 00:20:02,500 --> 00:20:05,500 Not real pips. But fake pips. 353 00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:08,500 - 'Mmm, what lovely wood.' - In order to make it look more like... 356 00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:11,500 And... This is why it gets so weird. 357 00:20:11,500 --> 00:20:15,500 So prevalent was this habit of making false raspberry jam, 358 00:20:15,500 --> 00:20:21,500 out of sweetened turnips and rhubarb, and adding the wood bits, that there was a trade. 359 00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:23,500 Of making little wooden pips. 560 00:20:24,500 --> 00:20:30,500 And it was sweated labour. That Mrs. Sylvia Pankhurst, one of the leading women's movement people, 561 00:20:30,500 --> 00:20:34,500 who'd, you know, fought for votes for women and rights for women, and so on. 562 00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:39,500 That she made an enormous fuzz about... This indeed opened her own jam factory during the first world war. 563 00:20:39,500 --> 00:20:41,500 Selling real jam instead of this. And... 564 00:20:41,500 --> 00:20:43,500 It does sound like a euphemism for something else. 565 00:20:44,500 --> 00:20:46,500 'Yeah, she's opened her jam factory...' 566 00:20:46,500 --> 00:20:47,500 Oh, stop it! 567 00:20:47,500 --> 00:20:50,500 - This... - You're a very disgusting young man. 568 00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:52,500 - I just think it sounds... - And i you the world 'young' quite wrongly. 569 00:20:52,500 --> 00:20:55,500 I like the idea that you could have a job as a pip maker. 570 00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:57,500 Yeah, and... Yeah, I know, that's exactly... A pip maker. 571 00:20:57,500 --> 00:20:58,500 Five years apprenticeship. 572 00:20:59,500 --> 00:21:03,500 Making pips, starting with a great big pip like that, wearing it down, smaller and smaller. 573 00:21:03,500 --> 00:21:06,500 And... And being very badly paid. At it. Anyway, there... 574 00:21:06,500 --> 00:21:12,500 Presumably, they got away with it, if it lasted that long. So it must have been raspberry-ish. 576 00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:15,500 I guess, it was sugary. It was sweet and it was red. 577 00:21:15,500 --> 00:21:17,500 What do they call jam in America? 578 00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:19,500 - Jello. - 'Jaaaam'. 579 00:21:19,500 --> 00:21:20,500 Jello. 580 00:21:20,500 --> 00:21:21,500 No, no. They don't. 581 00:21:21,500 --> 00:21:22,500 - Jelly. - Jelly. 582 00:21:22,500 --> 00:21:24,500 - 'I want some jaaaaam.' - Jello. 583 00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:28,500 'Put some jaaaam on my pancakes.' 584 00:21:28,500 --> 00:21:30,500 Jelly. They call it 'jelly'. 585 00:21:30,500 --> 00:21:32,500 - I'm still saying 'jaaaaam'. - Yes, you are. 586 00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:35,500 You're still saying 'jam'. In your way. 587 00:21:35,500 --> 00:21:38,500 I think it's funny when I say 'jaaaaaaam'. 588 00:21:39,500 --> 00:21:41,500 They make it with, um, they mix it with peanut butter as well. 589 00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:42,500 Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. 590 00:21:42,500 --> 00:21:44,900 - Got an interesting fact about peanut butter. - Tell me. 592 00:21:44,900 --> 00:21:47,500 You know, when they make those commercials using chimps? 593 00:21:47,500 --> 00:21:49,500 - Like for tea and things, yes. - For tea, and stuff. 594 00:21:49,500 --> 00:21:51,500 So what they do is they get a little bit of peanut butter and the put it on the top, 595 00:21:51,500 --> 00:21:53,500 - Oh, yes. - on the roof of their mouths, for the monkeys, 596 00:21:53,500 --> 00:21:57,500 and the little bit, they go... And that is also how they make 'Hollyoaks'. 597 00:22:00,500 --> 00:22:01,500 Very good. 598 00:22:02,500 --> 00:22:03,500 Very good, indeed. 599 00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:11,500 There we have it, the pips in fake raspberry jam, often made from rhubarb, 600 00:22:11,500 --> 00:22:15,500 where little bits of wood processed by sweatshop female labour. 601 00:22:15,500 --> 00:22:18,500 Now, you are the detective for these questions coming up. 602 00:22:18,500 --> 00:22:24,500 Er, we all think we can spot a con, tell me how you would have dealt with these situations... 603 00:22:24,500 --> 00:22:29,500 You become suspicious of three buxom young women who are coming out of the telephone exchange, 604 00:22:29,500 --> 00:22:33,500 carrying heavy suitcases and jangling. Where is the jangling coming from, 605 00:22:33,500 --> 00:22:36,500 is it coming from, A: The telephone exchange. 606 00:22:36,500 --> 00:22:38,500 B: The suitcases, 607 00:22:38,500 --> 00:22:40,500 or C: Their bosoms? 608 00:22:41,500 --> 00:22:42,500 D: My trousers. 609 00:22:44,500 --> 00:22:51,500 Right, and we're in Miami in 1950. This was a very well-known scandal at the time. These women were 611 00:22:51,500 --> 00:22:59,500 responsible for the money that got collected from the phone boxes and their job was 612 00:22:59,500 --> 00:23:05,500 to put the money into these counting machines, and they worked out that, er, 613 00:23:05,500 --> 00:23:10,500 as long as they stole the money before it went into the counting machines, the phone company had no idea 614 00:23:10,500 --> 00:23:11,500 of how much money there was. 615 00:23:11,500 --> 00:23:14,500 - So they would take money and put it... - Put it into their bras. 616 00:23:14,500 --> 00:23:16,500 In their breasts and then put it into the counting machine. 617 00:23:16,500 --> 00:23:22,500 Once it's in the counting machine, it's accounted for, but over a number of years, no-one quite knows how much 618 00:23:22,500 --> 00:23:26,500 they got away with, maybe hundreds of thousands of dollars, in their breasts. 619 00:23:26,500 --> 00:23:30,500 And eventually they got found out, though... There... There we have a picture... 620 00:23:31,500 --> 00:23:35,500 Looks like she's gone to a really bad strip club. People have only got change. 621 00:23:35,500 --> 00:23:39,500 'There you go, love. That'll do ya, might be cold, sorry about that'. 622 00:23:39,500 --> 00:23:40,500 'I want notes!' 623 00:23:40,500 --> 00:23:42,500 The headline on the day that this happened was: 624 00:23:42,500 --> 00:23:48,500 'Justice as elastic as the items in which they carried their loot, snapped back today 625 00:23:48,500 --> 00:23:51,500 on members of Miami's brassiere brigade'. That's what... 626 00:23:51,500 --> 00:23:52,500 That a headline? 627 00:23:52,500 --> 00:23:53,500 That was a headline. 628 00:23:53,500 --> 00:23:56,500 - It was a huge story... - Now, for a start, they'd go 'Money in their tits'. 629 00:23:56,500 --> 00:23:59,500 Yes it would be, I'm afraid it would be exactly that. 630 00:23:59,500 --> 00:24:00,500 'Titty cash' 631 00:24:02,500 --> 00:24:03,500 'Tit bag grab scare'. 632 00:24:06,500 --> 00:24:08,500 And then there's be a girl on page three and it would say 633 00:24:08,500 --> 00:24:13,500 'Zoe is very disappointed by the Brassiere Brigade, she thinks it's wrong to steal' 634 00:24:15,500 --> 00:24:17,500 You seem to know their ways very well. I'm impressed. 635 00:24:17,500 --> 00:24:22,500 I liked it when Saddam Hussein was found in a hole, that was one of my personal favourite ones. 636 00:24:27,500 --> 00:24:30,500 'Stephanie is delighted that Saddam Hussein has been captured'. 637 00:24:33,500 --> 00:24:34,500 I laughed for hours. 638 00:24:35,500 --> 00:24:37,500 'When I found out he'd been captured'... 639 00:24:39,500 --> 00:24:41,500 A little moment, to celebrate. 640 00:24:41,500 --> 00:24:42,500 I'm ashamed of you. 641 00:24:42,500 --> 00:24:44,500 It's not real, it's your imagination. I'm just doing that... 642 00:24:46,500 --> 00:24:48,500 That, will not answer. 643 00:24:48,500 --> 00:24:50,500 - However... - I wish that I could do that. 644 00:24:50,500 --> 00:24:52,500 - I can, oddly enough... - Really? 645 00:24:53,500 --> 00:24:55,500 - But unfortunately, - Do you celebrate like that? 646 00:24:55,500 --> 00:24:58,500 my nipples are going in the wrong direction, they're dropping an inch a year, 647 00:24:58,500 --> 00:25:01,500 it's terrible. However, I have... 648 00:25:02,500 --> 00:25:03,500 Can you get a pencil underneath them? 649 00:25:03,500 --> 00:25:05,500 I can get Colin Montgomerie under them. 650 00:25:12,500 --> 00:25:14,500 He must've been livid about that. 651 00:25:15,500 --> 00:25:20,500 In 1950 the 'brassiere brigade' defrauded the Southern Bell telephone company line 652 00:25:20,500 --> 00:25:22,500 by hiding the takings in their bras. 653 00:25:22,500 --> 00:25:26,500 This is your next question: You're in the bath and the king of Syracuse calls, 654 00:25:26,500 --> 00:25:29,500 and he's got a dodgy tiara for you. What do you say? 655 00:25:29,500 --> 00:25:31,500 - 'Always when you're in the bath'. - Yeah! 656 00:25:32,500 --> 00:25:36,500 My first... Is it a trick question? 'Cause if I'm in a bath, I've already got a tiara on. 657 00:25:38,500 --> 00:25:44,500 Indeed. This dire, damnedest coronet, that the king of Syracuse wants you to have a look at. 658 00:25:44,500 --> 00:25:48,500 Sorry, and he's called me, and I've got reception back to the 13th century? 659 00:25:48,500 --> 00:25:50,500 No, it's a lot earlier than that. 660 00:25:50,500 --> 00:25:52,500 - How early is it? - Oh, it's way back. 661 00:25:52,500 --> 00:25:55,500 Oh, way back. Okay. I didn't wanna get too specific, that was enough information. 662 00:25:55,500 --> 00:25:56,500 'Bout 200 B.C. That kind of thing. 663 00:25:56,500 --> 00:26:00,500 200 B.C.? And he's called me in the bath, and he's going "You wanna buy a tiara?" 664 00:26:00,500 --> 00:26:04,500 - No, he's got a dodgy gold crown or tiara. - Right. 665 00:26:04,500 --> 00:26:09,500 And he needs... Something from you. He needs information from you about this crown. 666 00:26:09,500 --> 00:26:11,500 - To see whether it's allright? That it's a decent crown? - About whether it is the real crown or not? 667 00:26:11,500 --> 00:26:12,500 See whether it's gold or not. Yeah. 668 00:26:13,500 --> 00:26:15,500 - So, where you saying, how would I prove it's gold? - Yeah. 669 00:26:15,500 --> 00:26:17,500 - Something to do with the bath? - Yeah. 670 00:26:17,500 --> 00:26:19,500 - I put it in the bath? - N... Yeah... 671 00:26:19,500 --> 00:26:21,500 What, does gold go small and wrinkly in the bath? 672 00:26:23,500 --> 00:26:24,500 That's your crown jewels. 673 00:26:24,500 --> 00:26:25,500 - Yeah. - Oh, so... 674 00:26:30,500 --> 00:26:33,500 Is there something to do with the density of it? 675 00:26:33,500 --> 00:26:35,500 - And the displacement of the water? - The density of gold is unique to itself, 676 00:26:35,500 --> 00:26:39,500 so if you had two crowns that weighed the same, you couldn't tell whether one was gold or not, 677 00:26:39,500 --> 00:26:42,500 just by their weight, even if they where the same size. 678 00:26:42,500 --> 00:26:47,500 But they would displace different amounts of water, when placed in the water. And so, this particular man, 679 00:26:47,500 --> 00:26:51,500 Archimedes, pondering this problem, that he've been given by the king, gets in the bath, 680 00:26:51,500 --> 00:26:54,500 sees the water rise, and leaps out of the bath shouting...? 681 00:26:54,500 --> 00:26:55,500 - Eur... - 'Eureka!' 682 00:26:55,500 --> 00:26:57,500 Exactly! That's... 683 00:26:57,500 --> 00:26:59,500 I really thought you where going to say 'Arsenal' then, Alan. 684 00:27:01,500 --> 00:27:04,500 Eh, yes. Eureka. Archimedes famous bathtime moment 685 00:27:04,500 --> 00:27:09,500 came from trying to think of a way to check how 'gold', a gold crown really was. 686 00:27:09,500 --> 00:27:13,500 Now, let's see how well you know yourself. I'm going to describe one of you, 687 00:27:13,500 --> 00:27:16,500 and I want you to buzz when you think you know which one it is that I'm talking about. 688 00:27:16,500 --> 00:27:18,500 - You tend to be... - Oh, that's me! 689 00:27:20,500 --> 00:27:21,500 You tend to be too critical of yourself. 690 00:27:21,500 --> 00:27:27,500 You have considerable unused capacity that you not yet have turned to your advantage. 691 00:27:27,500 --> 00:27:32,500 At times, you have serious doubts whether you've made the right decision, or done the right thing. 692 00:27:33,500 --> 00:27:35,500 Some of your goals are rather unrealistic. 693 00:27:36,500 --> 00:27:40,500 Um... You have a need for other people to like and admire you. 694 00:27:40,500 --> 00:27:42,500 Stop looking... You keep looking at me, really. 695 00:27:43,500 --> 00:27:49,500 To all... To all comedians, everything you've said is... Is... Exactly... Er, all of us. 696 00:27:49,500 --> 00:27:52,500 Exactly. And not just comedians, but of course, everybody else. It's an example of what... 697 00:27:52,500 --> 00:27:54,500 - No, no, no. We ARE special. - Well, we are. Obviously. 698 00:27:54,500 --> 00:27:55,500 - Ridiculary special. - Yes. 699 00:27:55,500 --> 00:27:59,500 It's an example of what's known as 'Barnum's statements' or, 'cold reading' 700 00:27:59,500 --> 00:28:03,500 as used by fraudulent 'psychics', clairvoyants and so on... 701 00:28:03,500 --> 00:28:05,500 - Real ones don't need it, they contact the dead. - Yes. 702 00:28:05,500 --> 00:28:08,500 You really look like you've been arrested at an foreign airport for drug dealing, there. 703 00:28:09,500 --> 00:28:14,500 Yes, I'm trying desperately to look innocent. 'Eh, there, someone put them in my bag.' 704 00:28:14,500 --> 00:28:16,500 - Yes, yes. - And this... This bear, I didn't shave that. 705 00:28:17,500 --> 00:28:18,500 That's just my wife. 706 00:28:20,500 --> 00:28:26,500 Erm, there are classic types of Barnum's statements, like, 'rainbow statements' which describe... 707 00:28:27,500 --> 00:28:31,500 So many people, like cover all the bases. 'You have a very generous and giving nature, 708 00:28:31,500 --> 00:28:35,500 although if you're honest about it, there have been times when you've acted in a rather selfish way.' 709 00:28:35,500 --> 00:28:40,500 There's 'devanishing negative'. Where they say, 'You don't work with children, do you?' 710 00:28:41,500 --> 00:28:43,500 - So, whatever the person says... - I don't know what you've heard... 711 00:28:43,500 --> 00:28:44,500 If they say... 712 00:28:46,500 --> 00:28:50,500 If they say, yes, you say, 'Yes, I thought so', and if they say 'No', you say, 713 00:28:50,500 --> 00:28:52,500 - 'No, I didn't think so.' - 'No, I thought not.' 714 00:28:52,500 --> 00:28:54,500 Put people fall for it. All the time. 715 00:28:54,500 --> 00:28:55,500 - 'How do they do that?' - Yeah. Exactly. 716 00:28:55,500 --> 00:28:57,500 What if you said, 'Have you ever laid an egg?' 717 00:28:58,500 --> 00:28:59,500 Just the once. 718 00:28:59,500 --> 00:29:01,500 Yeah, and they go, 'No'. You go, 'Oh, got that wrong.' 719 00:29:03,500 --> 00:29:06,500 - That would be a much better act, though. - It's really out on a limb. 721 00:29:06,500 --> 00:29:09,500 And then are escape hatches, 'Does the name 'Wendy' mean anything to you?' 722 00:29:09,500 --> 00:29:11,500 - Yes it does! - 'Yeah, I thought so'. Exactly. 723 00:29:11,500 --> 00:29:13,500 - I've got a cousin called Wendy. - 'There, you see, I thought so.' 724 00:29:13,500 --> 00:29:15,500 - Right. - I thought so. 725 00:29:15,500 --> 00:29:16,500 And, of course, if you say 'no'... 726 00:29:16,500 --> 00:29:19,500 - Say it to Alan! - Have you got a Wendy in your life? 727 00:29:19,500 --> 00:29:21,500 - No. - You will have, very soon. 728 00:29:23,500 --> 00:29:25,500 'I'm getting a 'Wendy'. There will be a 'Wendy''. 729 00:29:25,500 --> 00:29:28,500 People who've just tuned in from 'Living TV', going 'Oh, it's the same show.' 730 00:29:29,500 --> 00:29:30,500 Exactly! 731 00:29:30,500 --> 00:29:32,500 - It is... - 'This is on again, it's brilliant!' 732 00:29:33,500 --> 00:29:36,500 They're actually called 'Forer questions' as well, there was a man called Forer, who died in 2000, 733 00:29:36,500 --> 00:29:41,500 who was this sort of psychologist, and so on. And he got his students to mark out of five, 734 00:29:41,500 --> 00:29:47,500 various statements that he gave for each one of them. And... Uhm, the where, of course, all identical. 735 00:29:47,500 --> 00:29:49,500 - They all got the same one. - I'm going rather over this, this sounds fantastic. 736 00:29:49,500 --> 00:29:53,500 'cause they do tour round. I've been going a tour, and there, all... All these people sell out the same venues. 737 00:29:53,500 --> 00:29:54,500 - They're all in huge venues. - I know. 738 00:29:54,500 --> 00:29:56,500 Going, 'Yeah, I'll tell ya. Tell ya...' 'Oh, you're mother says she's happy now.' 739 00:29:57,500 --> 00:29:59,500 They never go, 'Oh, she's... She went to hell!' 740 00:30:00,500 --> 00:30:06,500 'Screw this, she went to hell!' 'Turns out, oh, wrong... Wrong, and your mum!' 741 00:30:07,500 --> 00:30:08,500 'She loves it!' 742 00:30:09,500 --> 00:30:11,500 'She's actually married the Devil!' 743 00:30:14,500 --> 00:30:15,500 - Oh no... - They never say that! 744 00:30:15,500 --> 00:30:18,500 - No, they tend not to. - Yeah. But I will! 745 00:30:20,500 --> 00:30:26,500 'Forer effect' or 'personal validation fallacy' is a technique used by astrologers and fortune tellers 746 00:30:26,500 --> 00:30:31,500 and other liars. To create apparently specific, but in fact, almost universal statements. 747 00:30:31,500 --> 00:30:35,500 Some things are obvious trickery. Now, what's the trick behind sword swallowing? 748 00:30:37,500 --> 00:30:38,500 Wipe it first. 749 00:30:40,500 --> 00:30:42,500 Stop when you reach the handle. 750 00:30:43,500 --> 00:30:45,500 Never use a scimitar. 751 00:30:46,500 --> 00:30:48,500 Doesn't it just fold up? 752 00:30:48,500 --> 00:30:50,500 No no, there are people who believe... 753 00:30:51,500 --> 00:30:56,500 There are people who insist on believing that it is sort of fakesome, but it is genuine. People do... 754 00:30:56,500 --> 00:30:58,500 What if, when it comes out, it's got a bit of meat on the end? 755 00:31:00,500 --> 00:31:03,500 I think the, the actual secret of doing it is to do it really quick 756 00:31:03,500 --> 00:31:06,500 and if it gets caught on anything, just jab it. 757 00:31:08,500 --> 00:31:11,500 What do you think the most common complaint is when they go and see doctors? 758 00:31:11,500 --> 00:31:14,500 I imagine it's gastric. 759 00:31:14,500 --> 00:31:19,500 It's a sore throat. Pretty obviously, but they genuinely do suffer from sore throats. 760 00:31:19,500 --> 00:31:24,500 Erm, and they pop it down, and there's a limit, 61 centimetres, any longer than 61 centimetres 761 00:31:24,500 --> 00:31:30,500 you could gravely injure yourself but anything less than 40 centimetres and you are not recognised 762 00:31:30,500 --> 00:31:34,500 as a sword swallower by the association of sword swallowers. 763 00:31:34,500 --> 00:31:36,500 What if you're short? I mean, surely height... 764 00:31:36,500 --> 00:31:42,500 You'd think, but unfortunately the society of sword swallowers has laid down... 765 00:31:42,500 --> 00:31:43,500 - 40 centimetres... - Yeah because if you're a midget, 766 00:31:43,500 --> 00:31:45,500 you're going to stab yourself through the arse. 767 00:31:46,500 --> 00:31:47,500 Nice. 768 00:31:51,500 --> 00:31:53,500 I mean, how do you not just gag immediately? 769 00:31:53,500 --> 00:31:56,500 That's, that's the point, if there's a trick to it, not a trick to it but the secret of it is 770 00:31:56,500 --> 00:31:59,500 you have to learn how to overcome your gag reflex, it's the first... 771 00:31:59,500 --> 00:32:02,500 That's a very horrible, hard thing to do, I have that with the... 772 00:32:02,500 --> 00:32:04,500 That's why I can't wear contact lenses because I actually gag when I touch my eye. 773 00:32:04,500 --> 00:32:05,500 You're putting them in wrong. 774 00:32:05,500 --> 00:32:06,500 - Do you? - Yeah. 775 00:32:09,500 --> 00:32:10,500 Really? 776 00:32:15,500 --> 00:32:16,500 It's gotta be in the front. 777 00:32:17,500 --> 00:32:22,500 You know, if you... If you pull a Pekinese's tail it's eyes pop out, you know that? 778 00:32:25,500 --> 00:32:28,500 That's the rest of my week sorted, I'm buying a Pekinese. 779 00:32:28,500 --> 00:32:30,500 I line them up, I line them up. 780 00:32:35,500 --> 00:32:37,500 It's like that... I touch my eye and actually go... 781 00:32:37,500 --> 00:32:38,500 Really? 782 00:32:39,500 --> 00:32:44,500 It's a four thousand year old art, it seems, sword swallowing, it's not a trick at all, 783 00:32:44,500 --> 00:32:47,500 it's a real skill, that's the point. 784 00:32:47,500 --> 00:32:53,500 Now, what is... Tell me about 'The vegetable lamb of Tartary', anybody? 785 00:32:53,500 --> 00:32:57,500 Is it the... The bastard child of a lamb and a turnip? 786 00:32:58,500 --> 00:32:59,500 Not a turnip. 787 00:32:59,500 --> 00:33:03,500 Wandered lonely until it was... Came across a pigfaced lady. 788 00:33:04,500 --> 00:33:05,500 There were many people. 789 00:33:05,500 --> 00:33:09,500 There where sheep who did have a go at a cauliflower, when it was pissed or something, did it? 790 00:33:10,500 --> 00:33:11,500 Is it a kebab? 791 00:33:11,500 --> 00:33:13,500 Not a kebab no, but, when... 792 00:33:13,500 --> 00:33:17,500 If you have a... Like this, might be made out of wool, a suit. 793 00:33:17,500 --> 00:33:18,500 But, the shirt, it would be made of...? 794 00:33:18,500 --> 00:33:20,500 - Lamb. - Cotton. 795 00:33:24,500 --> 00:33:27,500 Bless! Bless you, Sean! For trying. 796 00:33:29,500 --> 00:33:33,500 Cotton. And there where a lot of people, who thought the idea, and indeed, 797 00:33:33,500 --> 00:33:36,500 if you've ever stood in a cottonfield, you can understand it, thought the idea 798 00:33:36,500 --> 00:33:41,500 of a plant that exploded with that kind of fabric, 799 00:33:41,500 --> 00:33:48,500 was just ridiculous. And that it must be really be a sheep. A sheep plant. And so was born, the legend, 780 00:33:48,500 --> 00:33:50,500 which was much... There, you see a drawing. 781 00:33:54,500 --> 00:33:55,500 And that was... 782 00:33:55,500 --> 00:33:58,500 Believed by some people to exist, but then, when you... 783 00:33:58,500 --> 00:34:02,500 Consider in the 16th century as, people where discovering new animals 784 00:34:02,500 --> 00:34:05,500 some of them astounding, and new plants, ehm... 785 00:34:05,500 --> 00:34:08,500 That is by no means as odd as some of the things that nature does draw. 786 00:34:08,500 --> 00:34:11,500 I think, that's... Sort of the equivalent of creationism, isn't it? 787 00:34:11,500 --> 00:34:13,500 People going, 'Yeah, that's probably how it happened.' 788 00:34:13,500 --> 00:34:15,500 Yeah! Exactly. 789 00:34:15,500 --> 00:34:17,500 - One was the other. - She might have just wandered on top of that plant, 790 00:34:17,500 --> 00:34:18,500 and then it grew really fast. 791 00:34:22,500 --> 00:34:24,500 It's a very surprised little... 792 00:34:28,500 --> 00:34:29,500 What's 'Tartary'? 793 00:34:29,500 --> 00:34:34,500 Tartary is the sort of far east, where the Tartars come from, sort of Mongolia area, really. 794 00:34:34,500 --> 00:34:36,500 - Is that where cotton comes from? - No, I... 795 00:34:36,500 --> 00:34:38,500 - It's where tartar sauce comes from. - I think it's where it comes from. 796 00:34:38,500 --> 00:34:41,500 - It might be. - I thought that a 'tartary' was a brothel. 797 00:34:41,500 --> 00:34:44,500 Hehe, very good. Very good. A tartary. 798 00:34:44,500 --> 00:34:46,500 But the vegetable lamb of Tartary came from nowhere, 799 00:34:46,500 --> 00:34:49,500 it was believed to be a cross between a sheep and a plant. 800 00:34:49,500 --> 00:34:51,500 And was used to explain where cotton came from. 801 00:34:51,500 --> 00:34:57,500 And so we reach the toast of conmen, fraudsters and swindlers everywhere, General Ignorance. 802 00:34:57,500 --> 00:35:01,500 What's New London Bridge doing in Arizona? 803 00:35:05,500 --> 00:35:08,500 It was bought as a tourist attraction. 804 00:35:09,500 --> 00:35:13,500 And, er, and it's the third most popular tourist attraction in America. 805 00:35:13,500 --> 00:35:16,500 And it acts as a dry way of getting across some water. 806 00:35:18,500 --> 00:35:19,500 That sounds pretty good to me. 807 00:35:19,500 --> 00:35:21,500 Nothing's... Nothing's gone off, what's the... 808 00:35:21,500 --> 00:35:23,500 No, sometimes the obvious answer is the truth. 809 00:35:23,500 --> 00:35:25,500 Is it true that they thought they were buying Tower Bridge? 810 00:35:31,500 --> 00:35:33,500 - Oh! No. - That's the wrong one. 811 00:35:33,500 --> 00:35:36,500 It was a man called McCulloch of 'McCulloch's Oil' who bought it, 812 00:35:36,500 --> 00:35:41,500 and he bought it after much negotiation and indeed there are photographs of him looking round it 813 00:35:41,500 --> 00:35:45,500 and working out how to transport it, so he knew perfectly well what bridge he was buying. 814 00:35:45,500 --> 00:35:48,500 It was called 'New London Bridge' because the Old London Bridge 814 00:35:48,500 --> 00:35:51,500 had been crossing the Thames at that point for how long? 815 00:35:51,500 --> 00:35:52,500 Million years. 816 00:35:52,500 --> 00:35:54,500 Three hundred years or so? 817 00:35:55,500 --> 00:35:56,500 Since the time of the dinosaurs, they built it. 818 00:35:56,500 --> 00:35:58,500 Six hundred years, it... 819 00:35:58,500 --> 00:36:00,500 It's big enough for a blue whale to go under. 820 00:36:00,500 --> 00:36:04,500 It held good for six hundred years and was covered in shops and buildings. 821 00:36:04,500 --> 00:36:08,500 It was much quicker to get a ferry across than to try and walk across the bridge, 822 00:36:08,500 --> 00:36:12,500 it was so filled with entertainment and shops and all that... 823 00:36:12,500 --> 00:36:13,500 I want a bridge like that again. 824 00:36:13,500 --> 00:36:16,500 And pubs, I know, isn't it wonderful? I wish it was still like that. Anyway, 825 00:36:16,500 --> 00:36:22,500 Robert McCulloch his name was, he took New London Bridge to Arizona to promote his new settlement at Lake Havasu, 826 00:36:22,500 --> 00:36:28,500 which has been a huge success, contrary to the myth, he never thought he was buying Tower Bridge. 827 00:36:28,500 --> 00:36:32,500 Er, a lot of what we eat seems to be faked these days. 828 00:36:32,500 --> 00:36:37,500 If I send you down to the shops for some butter and they don't have any, what could you get me instead? 829 00:36:37,500 --> 00:36:38,500 Some beer, get some beer. 830 00:36:38,500 --> 00:36:42,500 - Yes, you could, but instead of butter what would... - Margarine, get margarine? 831 00:36:42,500 --> 00:36:43,500 Ah! 832 00:36:44,500 --> 00:36:49,500 You can't palm me off with margarine, I was about to say, but that sounds rather weird... 833 00:36:49,500 --> 00:36:50,500 Erm... 834 00:36:51,500 --> 00:36:52,500 You can, um... 835 00:36:53,500 --> 00:36:57,500 No, you can't, you literally can not buy margarine in England any more. 836 00:36:57,500 --> 00:36:58,500 Can you get it on the Internet? 837 00:36:59,500 --> 00:37:03,500 - Possibly, but not for Britain. - Yeah there's dodgy... Dodgy margarine sites. 838 00:37:03,500 --> 00:37:07,500 Yeah, 'The U.K. Spreads Association'... 839 00:37:07,500 --> 00:37:10,500 They used to be called 'The Margarine and Spreads Association'. 840 00:37:10,500 --> 00:37:15,500 'We would like to make it clear,' their spokesman told a startled QI researcher, 841 00:37:15,500 --> 00:37:20,500 'We would like to make it clear that there are no brands of margarine on sale in Britain today.' 842 00:37:20,500 --> 00:37:22,500 - You see, because margarine contains... - Changed the name of... 843 00:37:22,500 --> 00:37:27,500 Contains 80 to 90% fat. It's natural colour, margarine, is...? 844 00:37:27,500 --> 00:37:28,500 Blue. 845 00:37:29,500 --> 00:37:33,500 White, in fact. And in America the dairy industry was so horrified by it 845 00:37:33,500 --> 00:37:35,500 in the nineteenth century when it was invented, 846 00:37:35,500 --> 00:37:41,500 that they had various laws insisting that it not be coloured yellow to look like butter, so it stayed white, 847 00:37:41,500 --> 00:37:46,500 or indeed in some extreme states where the dairy industry was very powerful like New Hampshire, they insisted that 848 00:37:46,500 --> 00:37:49,500 it be coloured red so it really put people off spreading it on their toast. 849 00:37:49,500 --> 00:37:52,500 Now, how many commandments are there? 850 00:37:52,500 --> 00:37:53,500 Ooh. 851 00:37:53,500 --> 00:37:54,500 Yes? 852 00:37:54,500 --> 00:37:59,500 Are we talking about the commandments that God dictated to Moses on Mount Sinai? 853 00:37:59,500 --> 00:38:01,500 - Yeah. - Literally none, never happened. 855 00:38:02,500 --> 00:38:04,500 I'll go along with that. 856 00:38:04,500 --> 00:38:09,500 How many... How many are there in the Bible? 857 00:38:09,500 --> 00:38:14,500 Oh... Yeah and well, now, you see, I've buzzed, but I fear if I said 'ten'... 858 00:38:17,500 --> 00:38:18,500 ...that might happen. 859 00:38:20,500 --> 00:38:23,500 I think the Catholic church have just added some new ones. 860 00:38:23,500 --> 00:38:25,500 No, I'm talking about the original... 861 00:38:25,500 --> 00:38:27,500 - The original ones. - Nine. 862 00:38:27,500 --> 00:38:28,500 Eight. 863 00:38:28,500 --> 00:38:29,500 Oh, oh... 864 00:38:32,500 --> 00:38:38,500 There used to be that story where the angel is sent down and he goes to the French and says to them 865 00:38:38,500 --> 00:38:40,500 'I've got some commandments' and the French say 'Well give me an example' and they say 866 00:38:40,500 --> 00:38:44,500 'Well, erm, thou shalt not commit adultery' they say 'I'm not interested, go away.' 867 00:38:44,500 --> 00:38:48,500 And goes off then to the Germans, says 'Look I've got these commandments I'm trying to shift' 868 00:38:48,500 --> 00:38:52,500 and the Germans say 'What do they say?' and he says 'Well, for example, thou shalt not kill' 869 00:38:52,500 --> 00:38:57,500 'I don't think so' Er, he goes to the Italians and says 'Would you like some of these commandments' 870 00:38:57,500 --> 00:38:59,500 and they say 'What do they say?' he says 'Well here's one that says thou shalt not steal' 871 00:38:59,500 --> 00:39:03,500 'Ah, go away'. Then he goes to the Jews and says 'I've got these commandments' 'How much are they?' 872 00:39:03,500 --> 00:39:04,500 'They're free' 'I'll take ten'. 873 00:39:07,500 --> 00:39:13,500 It's quite interesting... If you look at the ten commandments, 'thou shalt not kill', which should be the major one, really... 874 00:39:13,500 --> 00:39:17,500 Should be at the top, comes in about number five. It's got quite a low billing. 875 00:39:17,500 --> 00:39:20,500 - And it should be in bold, shouldn't it? - You think that's the most important... 876 00:39:20,500 --> 00:39:23,500 The other stuff is like nicking, staring at other people's wives or girlfriends/boyfriends... 877 00:39:23,500 --> 00:39:26,500 Well, in the list of those commandments that were taken down from the mountain, 878 00:39:26,500 --> 00:39:32,500 there are actually fourteen in both Exodus and Deuteronomy, not ten, but in Exodus generally speaking 879 00:39:32,500 --> 00:39:37,500 there are 613 commandments, including the really important ones which should be, as you say, put in bold, 880 00:39:37,500 --> 00:39:43,500 like 'You shall not suffer a witch to live' or 'You shall not vex a stranger'... 881 00:39:44,500 --> 00:39:46,500 Or 'This show should be taken off'. 882 00:39:46,500 --> 00:39:50,500 Yeah, or 'Whosoever lies with a beast shall be surely put to death'. 883 00:39:50,500 --> 00:39:52,500 - Well, especially when it rolls over. - Yeah! 884 00:39:53,500 --> 00:39:54,500 Exactly... 885 00:39:54,500 --> 00:39:55,500 In the night. 886 00:39:55,500 --> 00:39:56,500 Does it say anything about... 887 00:39:56,500 --> 00:39:58,500 'Listen, I didn't know she was a bear'. 888 00:40:00,500 --> 00:40:03,500 'I thought she was a pig'... Er, no, that doesn't do. Er... 889 00:40:04,500 --> 00:40:06,500 Why do we think there's ten, then? 890 00:40:06,500 --> 00:40:08,500 It's referred to as ten in other books... 891 00:40:08,500 --> 00:40:10,500 But no, there's a list of ten, I mean, there's a list of ten commandments. 892 00:40:10,500 --> 00:40:13,500 Yeah but if you go to Exodus 20 Deuteronomy 5, it's not 10, 893 00:40:13,500 --> 00:40:15,500 they're actually divided, some of them are divided... 894 00:40:15,500 --> 00:40:18,500 Doesn't mention anything about smoking, does it? 895 00:40:18,500 --> 00:40:19,500 It doesn't. It doesn't. 896 00:40:19,500 --> 00:40:21,500 And where can you smoke now? 897 00:40:21,500 --> 00:40:23,500 Why doesn't it say 'Be good, if you can't be good, be lucky'? 898 00:40:23,500 --> 00:40:24,500 Nice. 899 00:40:24,500 --> 00:40:27,500 'Always wash your brushes and put your ladders away' 900 00:40:28,500 --> 00:40:33,500 So anyway in the story of Exodus Chapter 20, there are fourteen commandments, 901 00:40:33,500 --> 00:40:36,500 if you include the rest of the book you get up to 613. 902 00:40:36,500 --> 00:40:43,500 Er, when I flip this coin that I have handily perched here, what are the chances of it coming up heads? 903 00:40:44,500 --> 00:40:45,500 50/50 904 00:40:45,500 --> 00:40:46,500 Oh! 905 00:40:47,500 --> 00:40:49,500 You just keep walking into that lamp post, Alan. 906 00:40:49,500 --> 00:40:51,500 I'm with Alan, everything's 50/50 isn't it? 907 00:40:51,500 --> 00:40:53,500 What everything? 908 00:40:53,500 --> 00:40:55,500 Well, winning the lottery's 50/50, either you win it or you don't. 909 00:40:56,500 --> 00:40:59,500 Rolling a six... You either roll a six, or you don't. 50/50. 910 00:40:59,500 --> 00:41:05,500 Mmm yeah. Naturally tossed coins obey the laws of mechanics and their flight is determined 911 00:41:05,500 --> 00:41:10,500 by their initial condition and it's been discovered that if a human is flipping them as opposed to a machine, 912 00:41:10,500 --> 00:41:15,500 and you do it thousands and thousands of times, rather than exactly 50/50, 913 00:41:15,500 --> 00:41:21,500 it will actually be 51% the one that's upwards, in this case heads... 914 00:41:21,500 --> 00:41:26,500 If you did it 100 times, it would never come down 51/49. 915 00:41:26,500 --> 00:41:33,500 Never? Are you saying that? I think most people would say 100 isn't enough for 50/50 to establish itself. 916 00:41:33,500 --> 00:41:34,500 It could easily be 50 heads in a row. 917 00:41:34,500 --> 00:41:37,500 This is true, but what are the chances? 918 00:41:38,500 --> 00:41:41,500 Besides, I don't... I still can't get my head around 919 00:41:41,500 --> 00:41:45,500 the notion that it's just as likely to have 1-2-3-4-5-6 on the lottery... 920 00:41:45,500 --> 00:41:46,500 Yes... 921 00:41:46,500 --> 00:41:48,500 You might as well go... It just wouldn't happen. 922 00:41:50,500 --> 00:41:54,500 You know why... You know why? Because it's a lottery. I mean, the clue's in the title. 923 00:41:54,500 --> 00:41:55,500 It is, yes. 924 00:41:56,500 --> 00:42:00,500 And, after all that, I hope you believe me when I tell you that's all we have time for. 925 00:42:00,500 --> 00:42:06,500 Our 100% guaranteed authentic winner this evening... 926 00:42:07,500 --> 00:42:11,500 Wow, this is so close, it's very exciting... With minus sixteen points, 927 00:42:11,500 --> 00:42:13,500 - it's Sean Lock! - Thank you. 928 00:42:16,500 --> 00:42:21,500 Yes, this is a night of firsts, still as sound as a pound, with minus eighteen, 929 00:42:21,500 --> 00:42:25,500 - is Jimmy Carr... - Thank you for that. 930 00:42:30,500 --> 00:42:34,500 But in third place, far from last, with minus twenty-one, 931 00:42:34,500 --> 00:42:37,500 Alan Davies! Wow! 932 00:42:43,500 --> 00:42:49,500 You probably think you know who is coming last, I will tell you, in fourth place with minus twenty-six, 933 00:42:49,500 --> 00:42:51,500 - it's Marcus Brigstocke. - Thank you. 934 00:42:59,500 --> 00:43:03,500 So it's goodbye from Jimmy, Marcus, Sean, Alan and myself, 935 00:43:03,500 --> 00:43:08,500 we hope that this show has been a warning to you all against choosing the paths of fraud and fakery. 936 00:43:08,500 --> 00:43:14,500 As Groucho Marx said; 'The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made'. 937 00:43:14,500 --> 00:43:15,500 Good night.