1 00:00:30,310 --> 00:00:34,351 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening. 2 00:00:34,351 --> 00:00:41,594 And welcome to QI, where tonight we are victims of fashion and prey to every passing fad. 3 00:00:41,594 --> 00:00:47,395 And sashaying up the catwalk this evening are the daringly see-through Clive Anderson! 4 00:00:51,556 --> 00:00:54,377 The beautifully cut Rich Hall! 5 00:00:58,378 --> 00:01:02,320 The topless and strapless Reginald D. Hunter! 6 00:01:06,161 --> 00:01:12,202 And an old pair of corduroys we found in the potting shed; Alan Davies! 7 00:01:17,563 --> 00:01:24,566 Of course, fashion is... Something that goes in one year and out the other. Ha! 8 00:01:24,566 --> 00:01:28,387 And predictably... Predictably, ladies and gentlemen, our buzzers tonight are about as fashionable 9 00:01:28,387 --> 00:01:32,888 as a sabre-toothed tiger wearing flared trousers. Clive goes... 10 00:01:32,888 --> 00:01:38,729 "But I'm always true to you, darling, in my fashion..." 11 00:01:38,729 --> 00:01:40,731 Rich goes... 12 00:01:40,731 --> 00:01:46,172 "Cos he's a dedicated follower of fashion." 13 00:01:46,172 --> 00:01:47,392 Reg goes... 14 00:01:47,392 --> 00:01:53,614 "I'm too sexy for my shirt. Too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts..." 15 00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:56,095 I can't complain! 16 00:01:56,095 --> 00:01:58,135 And Alan goes... 17 00:01:58,135 --> 00:02:02,137 "He looks a proper nana in his great big hobnail boots" 18 00:02:02,137 --> 00:02:05,218 "He's got such a job to pull them up That he calls 'em daisy roots!" 19 00:02:05,218 --> 00:02:07,218 Oi! Oh, well, exellent. Now. 20 00:02:07,218 --> 00:02:13,860 Your challenge tonight, gentlemen, is to start a trend, as it's fashion week on QI. 21 00:02:13,860 --> 00:02:19,742 After six years' struggle, this show has never managed to instigate any kind of a catchphrase. 22 00:02:19,742 --> 00:02:24,423 And we think it's time we changed that, so you have in front of you, I hope, 23 00:02:24,423 --> 00:02:32,065 a list of 19th-century catchphrases, as it is QI. You can use one of those, if you like. 24 00:02:32,065 --> 00:02:36,346 - They are genuine 19th-century catchphrases. - Has your mother sold her mangle? 25 00:02:36,346 --> 00:02:37,788 Say that again. 26 00:02:39,788 --> 00:02:42,789 Has your mother sold her mangle? 27 00:02:42,789 --> 00:02:45,069 "Has your mother sold her mangle?" That was a genuine catchphrase. 28 00:02:45,069 --> 00:02:48,070 - Who are you? - Ah! 29 00:02:48,070 --> 00:02:49,110 - That's your catchphrase. - Yes. It is. 30 00:02:49,110 --> 00:02:53,111 This was one of the biggest catchphrases in the nineteenth century, was "Who are you?". 31 00:02:53,111 --> 00:02:56,312 Yeah. I thought "Who are you?" would be a nice, easy catchphrase to get going. It's hard to... 32 00:02:56,312 --> 00:02:58,313 "Who are you?" It's quite a... 33 00:02:58,313 --> 00:03:01,634 - Well, yeah. - Has your mother sold her mangle? 34 00:03:01,634 --> 00:03:04,115 It was used in all circumstances, apparently. If someone walked into a pub, for example. 35 00:03:04,115 --> 00:03:07,116 If you caught someone picking your pocket, you'd go, "Who are you?" 36 00:03:07,116 --> 00:03:09,116 - But it's still a catch phrase. - It's catching on! 37 00:03:09,116 --> 00:03:12,417 At football grounds, if you support, as I do, sort of a big club, 38 00:03:12,417 --> 00:03:15,418 and you're playing a slightly smaller club, you often say... 39 00:03:15,418 --> 00:03:19,420 It's not "Who are you?"; it's sort of, "Who are you? Who are you?" You're so inferior. 40 00:03:19,420 --> 00:03:21,420 - When Norwich, famously... - Norwich, exactly. 41 00:03:21,420 --> 00:03:25,421 For example, when Norwich went up to the premiership, it's said we were sold out for every game... 42 00:03:25,421 --> 00:03:30,422 And the die hard fans would point to the new fans who had suddenly arrived, and said, 43 00:03:30,422 --> 00:03:32,423 "Where was you when we was crap?" 44 00:03:34,423 --> 00:03:37,425 - Which was a reasonable... - Well. They'd get the answer again, now, can't they? 45 00:03:38,425 --> 00:03:43,426 I remember going to Norwich as an away fan, and then we sang a song about sheep-shagging or something... 46 00:03:43,426 --> 00:03:48,427 And they responded with a kind of nine-verse spectacular about sheep-shagging. 47 00:03:50,428 --> 00:03:51,428 We aim to please. 48 00:03:51,428 --> 00:03:55,429 Which really, really put us in our place. We all went... 49 00:03:55,429 --> 00:04:00,431 The best one I ever heard is when I was in Brighton, in the days when there was a Brighton and Hove Albion. 50 00:04:00,431 --> 00:04:03,432 And Norwich were playing, and I just happened to be there so I thought I'd go watch them. 51 00:04:03,432 --> 00:04:07,433 And the Brighton fans had a brilliant chant, which was, 52 00:04:07,433 --> 00:04:14,435 "You're better than us! You're better than us! We're crap, we're crap, we're crap-crap-crap." 53 00:04:15,435 --> 00:04:18,437 And the Norwich fans were going, "How do we respond to that?" 54 00:04:18,437 --> 00:04:20,437 - "No... No, we're not? Oh no, that doesn't work..." - "Thank you!" 55 00:04:20,437 --> 00:04:24,438 Thank you very much, please. Not much, surely. 56 00:04:24,438 --> 00:04:28,439 Now, let's turn to our American friends. Are catch phrases a big thing in America? 57 00:04:28,439 --> 00:04:29,439 - Oh, of course. - Yeah. 58 00:04:29,439 --> 00:04:32,440 My grandfather used to say, "You're dumber than a bag of wet mice." 59 00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:36,442 That's very good. Very good. 60 00:04:36,442 --> 00:04:40,443 Yeah. It was funny the first time I heard it, but you know. Not my whole life. 61 00:04:43,444 --> 00:04:47,445 I didn't see anything on the list that was appropriate for me, but, I have one... 62 00:04:47,445 --> 00:04:52,446 "Do what you do best." And that comes from, I was back home recently and I was visiting my cousin: 63 00:04:52,446 --> 00:04:56,448 40, he's got four or five kids, that we know of, from different people. 64 00:04:57,448 --> 00:05:00,449 And we were watching TV, and there was a woman from Washington, D.C., 65 00:05:00,449 --> 00:05:03,449 talking about women's rights and, I guess, a woman's right to be able to have children 66 00:05:03,449 --> 00:05:07,450 without having a man, and, in fact, they don't need men to be around. They just sire a child and leave. 67 00:05:07,450 --> 00:05:11,451 And I looked at him and I said, "Get to D.C. and do what you do best!" 68 00:05:13,452 --> 00:05:18,454 Excellent. So we've got "Do what you do best", "Dumber than a bag of wet mice"... 69 00:05:18,454 --> 00:05:23,455 "Has your mother sold her mangle?" I'm losing... I'm losing enthusiasm for it! 70 00:05:23,455 --> 00:05:26,456 - "Has your mother sold her mangle?", and... - "Who are you?" 71 00:05:26,456 --> 00:05:31,457 "Who are you?" All right. If you can work these intelligently, charmingly, and brilliantly into the show, 72 00:05:31,457 --> 00:05:33,458 - I will be awarding huge bonuses... - You're asking for it. 73 00:05:33,458 --> 00:05:39,460 ...at the end. So, let's start at the very top. What was the most disastrous haircut ever? 74 00:05:43,461 --> 00:05:45,462 There are some examples for you there. 75 00:05:45,462 --> 00:05:52,463 I've got two answers that'll get the scream going, there. One is my last haircut... No? 76 00:05:52,463 --> 00:05:54,465 Or, Sampson's haircut. Sampson's haircut. 77 00:05:54,465 --> 00:05:56,465 No, Sampson's haircut is a very good answer, actually. 78 00:05:56,465 --> 00:05:57,465 That's me! 79 00:05:58,466 --> 00:05:59,466 Yes! 80 00:06:01,466 --> 00:06:02,467 You've just noticed! 81 00:06:03,467 --> 00:06:06,468 Well, you must have remembered posing for these. Or has this been... 82 00:06:06,468 --> 00:06:10,469 I remember the one in the middle. The other two I have no memory of. 83 00:06:11,469 --> 00:06:21,472 I know for a fact that, in 1928 the New England, Tool and Dime manufacturing company, was looking for, 84 00:06:21,472 --> 00:06:27,474 a new screw that wouldn't slip out of the notch. And a man named Phillips worked for 'em. 85 00:06:28,474 --> 00:06:33,476 Who had one of the most disastrous haircuts ever; it was parted in four different sections. 86 00:06:36,477 --> 00:06:39,477 That would be an example of a disastrous haircut that went good. 87 00:06:39,477 --> 00:06:41,478 This one... Well, I mean, of course, there are many candidates, 88 00:06:41,478 --> 00:06:44,479 and Sampson is one. But do you know anything about Louis VII of France? 89 00:06:44,479 --> 00:06:48,480 There he is on the left. We're talking about 13th century. 90 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:52,482 His queen became queen of a more famous king, to us, being British. 91 00:06:52,482 --> 00:06:53,482 Aquitaine. 92 00:06:53,482 --> 00:06:55,482 - She was Eleanor of Aquitaine. You're absolutely right. - Long hair, yes... 93 00:06:55,482 --> 00:06:59,483 The point is, Louis VII was very religious, and the monks got to him, 94 00:06:59,483 --> 00:07:03,484 and he cut that hair off. It looks rather good there, but apparently he cut all his hair off. 95 00:07:03,484 --> 00:07:08,485 And she was furious at it. So cross, that eventually she divorced him. 96 00:07:08,485 --> 00:07:09,486 I mean, there were other things too, probably. 97 00:07:09,486 --> 00:07:13,488 - But the hair is mentioned by historians... - He also cut his cock off. 98 00:07:16,488 --> 00:07:19,489 It may be... I don't know, maybe his mother may have sold her... 99 00:07:19,489 --> 00:07:21,490 "Has your mother sold her mangle?" 100 00:07:21,490 --> 00:07:25,490 - Maybe! Maybe that happened, yeah. - "I divorce you!" 101 00:07:25,490 --> 00:07:29,491 But the consequences of the divorce were enormous, because she then went over... She was incredibly rich. 102 00:07:29,491 --> 00:07:33,493 Took her kingdoms with her, married Henry II, and it began the 100 Years War. 103 00:07:33,493 --> 00:07:35,494 So it was essentially that haircut that began the 100 Years War. 104 00:07:35,494 --> 00:07:38,495 Yeah, but that's just something you say in polite company. 105 00:07:38,495 --> 00:07:40,495 When you're telling people you're breaking up with your partner, 106 00:07:40,495 --> 00:07:45,496 you go, "Yeah, I didn't like what he did with his hair, so I left." You can't really say about the king, 107 00:07:45,496 --> 00:07:49,497 "He keep farting in bed", or... "I just don't like his haircut!" 108 00:07:50,497 --> 00:07:57,500 You're right. What is interesting about this poor king is, he definitely wouldn't have had sexual relations 109 00:07:57,500 --> 00:08:04,502 with Eleanor's mother, because he was very abstinent indeed. And he became ill, and the courtiers suggested it was because 110 00:08:04,502 --> 00:08:11,505 he hadn't had sex. And so he consented to have the queen sent for, and they said, "No, no, she is too far away. 111 00:08:11,505 --> 00:08:18,506 If you don't have sex immediately, you will die." But genuinely being told that he would have to have sex 112 00:08:18,506 --> 00:08:23,507 or he would die, he actually said he would rather die chaste than live an adulterer. 113 00:08:23,507 --> 00:08:27,508 See, that leads you to believe that he had a bad sexual experience as a child. 114 00:08:31,510 --> 00:08:32,511 Yes... 115 00:08:32,511 --> 00:08:38,512 And, yes, you know, most men would rather not face death than have sex, so something happened when he was a kid, 116 00:08:38,512 --> 00:08:44,513 maybe a teenager... Maybe his wee-wee got caught in a zipper, or... Or the mangle, or... 117 00:08:44,513 --> 00:08:47,514 Hey! Yes, the mangle. 118 00:08:47,514 --> 00:08:56,517 Or he said, "I'm not ready for this yet. Let me lick your elbow." And the woman just said, "Do what you do best!" And... 119 00:08:58,518 --> 00:08:59,518 Very good. 120 00:09:02,519 --> 00:09:05,519 The Simpsons make a reference to the 100 Years War. 121 00:09:05,519 --> 00:09:06,520 Oh, do they? 122 00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:09,521 Do you know what they call it? "Operation Speedy Resolution." 123 00:09:12,522 --> 00:09:17,523 Anyway, so. We've all had bad hair days, but the one which helped start the 100 Years War takes a beating. 124 00:09:17,523 --> 00:09:23,525 Louis VII's haircut seems to have been a bit of a faux pas. So what's the worst faux pas that you can think of? 125 00:09:27,526 --> 00:09:32,528 I reckon if you wore Calvin Klein to Yves Saint-Laurent's funeral... 126 00:09:32,528 --> 00:09:33,528 Whoa! 127 00:09:38,529 --> 00:09:40,530 - That would be a faux pas. - It would. 128 00:09:41,530 --> 00:09:48,533 There's a famous one. There's the Queen and some other king or potentate in a carriage being driven along. 129 00:09:48,533 --> 00:09:53,534 And, so the horses are in front of them, and there's this ghastly sound... From this horse. 130 00:09:53,534 --> 00:09:57,535 And the Queen sort of says, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry about that." 131 00:09:57,535 --> 00:10:01,536 And whoever this king or potentate there said, "Oh, never mind, ma'am. I thought it was the horse!" 132 00:10:01,536 --> 00:10:05,537 And that's... So... So that's a famous faux pas. 133 00:10:07,537 --> 00:10:11,539 No, this was an engagement faux pas. It's a very famous one. It was in the Guinness Book of Records. 134 00:10:11,539 --> 00:10:17,541 It was, up until a few years ago... It was the Worst, if there is such a category; Worst Engagement Faux Pas. 135 00:10:17,541 --> 00:10:19,541 Get engaged to the wrong person? 136 00:10:19,541 --> 00:10:23,542 No, it wasn't that. It was a man called James Gordon Bennett. Who was a... 137 00:10:23,542 --> 00:10:25,543 Oh, the? The James Gordon Bennett? 138 00:10:25,543 --> 00:10:29,545 Actually, he... Yeah. The phrase "Gordon Bennett" was named after, I think, his father, 139 00:10:29,545 --> 00:10:33,546 who owned a lot of newspapers. Anyway, this one was very rich, this young Gordon Bennett, 140 00:10:33,546 --> 00:10:38,547 and he was engaged to a young New York socialite. And one night, he was very, very drunk, 141 00:10:38,547 --> 00:10:41,547 and he went to the house of his fiance, 142 00:10:41,547 --> 00:10:47,550 where there was a full party of stiff New York socialites. And he went into the room, with an enormous fireplace, 143 00:10:47,550 --> 00:10:52,551 and he went into the fireplace and peed in it, thinking it was a lavatory, and walked out again. 144 00:10:52,551 --> 00:10:55,552 And it ended his engagement; it was a huge scandal, 145 00:10:55,552 --> 00:10:58,553 and the brother of the girl fought a duel with him, which he lost. 146 00:10:58,553 --> 00:11:01,553 And he went to... Had to spend the rest of his life in Europe, almost. 147 00:11:01,553 --> 00:11:03,554 Just because he peed in the fireplace? 148 00:11:03,554 --> 00:11:05,554 Because he peed in the fireplace. Seems rather... 149 00:11:05,554 --> 00:11:08,556 - I mean, in Europe, it's positively encouraged! - I would say. 150 00:11:09,556 --> 00:11:14,557 This man, Gordon Bennett, was extraordinary. He was one of the most profligate men of his age, in terms of his money. 151 00:11:14,557 --> 00:11:24,560 He once tipped a railway porter £341,000. And he pulled out a huge sheaf of money that he had, because he... 152 00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:28,562 If he'd only gone on a Super Saver, off-peak, he'd have got that for a fiver, wouldn't he? 153 00:11:29,562 --> 00:11:32,563 He probably lit it on fire and says, "I can piss on that and put that out. Can you?" 154 00:11:32,563 --> 00:11:38,564 Yes, exactly. No, he would burn money, because it made... It was uncomfortable in his pocket, he'd say. 155 00:11:38,564 --> 00:11:39,564 I mean, he was obviously... 156 00:11:39,564 --> 00:11:40,565 - An idiot. - A complete twat, yeah. 157 00:11:41,565 --> 00:11:45,566 But there were other faux pas. Who said this: "We also do cut-glass sherry decanters, 158 00:11:45,566 --> 00:11:53,569 complete with six glasses, on a silver-plated tray that your butler can serve you drinks on, all for £4.95." 159 00:11:53,569 --> 00:11:57,570 "People say, 'How can you sell this for such a low price?' I say, 'Because...'"? 160 00:11:57,570 --> 00:11:58,570 - "It's crap." - Yes. 161 00:11:58,570 --> 00:12:01,571 - That's Gerald Ratner. - It was Gerald Ratner, yes. 162 00:12:01,571 --> 00:12:03,571 Destroyed his company, didn't he? 163 00:12:03,571 --> 00:12:08,573 £500 million was wiped off the value of his shares after that remark. 164 00:12:08,573 --> 00:12:14,575 He was trying to be amusing. The jewelry he was selling he said was cheaper than a... A Marks and Spencer sandwich. 165 00:12:14,575 --> 00:12:16,575 It was rubbish. And that's why... 166 00:12:16,575 --> 00:12:20,576 Yeah, he said, "These earrings were cheaper than an M&S prawn sandwich, and probably won't last as long." 167 00:12:22,577 --> 00:12:24,577 As they say, half a billion pounds wiped off his... 168 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:30,580 Yeah, he was caught doing a "funny". His "funny" didn't turn out well. 169 00:12:30,580 --> 00:12:39,582 Many faux pas, are just Freudian slits. Slips! But, what outrageous item of clothing... 170 00:12:40,582 --> 00:12:43,583 got the Duke of Wellington thrown out of a club? 171 00:12:45,584 --> 00:12:46,084 Yes? 172 00:12:46,084 --> 00:12:48,585 I am going to suggest he wore his Wellington boots at the club. 173 00:12:50,585 --> 00:12:54,586 I think it's... I think it's so fantastic, what a career he had, 174 00:12:54,586 --> 00:12:58,587 because not only was he a great, general, winning the... 175 00:12:58,587 --> 00:13:00,588 One of the most important battles of all time, and a few others... 176 00:13:00,588 --> 00:13:04,590 Plus, he was Prime Minister, and he had, Wellington boots named after him! 177 00:13:04,590 --> 00:13:05,590 - Pretty astounding, isn't it? - And they were... 178 00:13:06,590 --> 00:13:07,590 Yeah? 179 00:13:07,590 --> 00:13:09,591 - I think I know. - Yes, go on. 180 00:13:09,591 --> 00:13:12,592 I know exactly what happened. Now, he showed up at this situation, 181 00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:14,592 and it was supposed to be all formal and nice. 182 00:13:14,592 --> 00:13:19,593 But he was a bit of a cook, and he came in and said, "Now look at this wonderful dish I made with beef." 183 00:13:19,593 --> 00:13:26,596 And it was inappropriate to be trying to introduce your cooking at a social occasion like that, and... 184 00:13:26,596 --> 00:13:32,597 His wife tried to say, "Don't do it! Just, you know, save it, and invite some people back! And we can eat, have a smoke, 185 00:13:32,597 --> 00:13:37,599 and then, it'll all be good." But he was like, "No, I know this is good food!" And so he took it there, 186 00:13:37,599 --> 00:13:42,600 and he was just... The people was like, "Oh, we're just drinking here. Oh, he's a general; he should know better." 187 00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:47,602 And just... This is what I believe happened. I might have read it somewhere; I can't remember. 188 00:13:47,602 --> 00:13:50,603 You've reminded us of another thing to chalk up to Wellington. Not just the boots... 189 00:13:50,603 --> 00:13:52,603 - And the food... - Not just the battle, but the pastry. 190 00:13:52,603 --> 00:13:54,604 Putting beef in a pastry. 191 00:13:54,604 --> 00:13:57,604 Yeah. This happens to be just about my favourite club. 192 00:13:57,604 --> 00:14:01,605 If you were to ask me if I could get a time machine and go anywhere, 193 00:14:01,605 --> 00:14:03,607 this is one of the places I would go. It was called Almack's. 194 00:14:03,607 --> 00:14:07,608 It was the club that determined whether or not you were "in" society. 195 00:14:07,608 --> 00:14:12,609 It was run by these fierce women, the Lady Patronesses. And it didn't matter who you were: 196 00:14:12,609 --> 00:14:15,610 If you didn't get a voucher from them, you couldn't enter Almack's. 197 00:14:15,610 --> 00:14:18,610 So we're looking for an item of clothing that Wellington turned up in... 198 00:14:18,610 --> 00:14:24,613 Yeah, because what must a properly-attired gentleman in the evening... What should he wear? 199 00:14:24,613 --> 00:14:25,613 A hat. 200 00:14:25,613 --> 00:14:27,614 He'd have that, but what would he have down here? 201 00:14:27,614 --> 00:14:28,614 Hot pants. 202 00:14:30,614 --> 00:14:32,615 Close! Inasmuch as... 203 00:14:32,615 --> 00:14:33,615 - Breeches. - Knee breeches. 204 00:14:34,615 --> 00:14:36,616 Knee breeches. And Wellington wore...? 205 00:14:36,616 --> 00:14:38,616 - Long trousers. - Trousers! 206 00:14:38,616 --> 00:14:41,617 - A rah-rah skirt. - He wore trousers. 207 00:14:41,617 --> 00:14:43,618 He wore trousers. And so... 208 00:14:43,618 --> 00:14:47,619 So... But he said, "But I won the Peninsular War, for goodness' sake. I can wear any trousers I like." 209 00:14:47,619 --> 00:14:48,620 You'd think. Exactly. 210 00:14:48,620 --> 00:14:49,620 Or did they make him roll them up? 211 00:14:49,620 --> 00:14:57,622 That's my catch phrase! "I can come in any trousers I like." Sorry. But... It's... 212 00:14:59,622 --> 00:15:01,623 Sorry. I do apologize. 213 00:15:01,623 --> 00:15:05,625 I sure enjoyed that long winding story so we could get to that. That was... 214 00:15:06,625 --> 00:15:11,626 The trouser was considered absolutely shocking and, and not to be... Not to be worn in smart society. 215 00:15:11,626 --> 00:15:12,626 "Breeches" of etiquette. 216 00:15:12,626 --> 00:15:17,628 Exactly! "Breeches"... That's good! Nobody liked it. 217 00:15:17,628 --> 00:15:20,628 I bet when they told him he couldn't come in, he looked at them and he went, "Pants to you!" 218 00:15:20,628 --> 00:15:26,631 Ah! The point is, the Duke of Wellington was thrown out of a club for wearing trousers. 219 00:15:26,631 --> 00:15:31,632 On the subject of trousers, as a matter of fact, what's the best way of dealing with a wartime shortage of trousering? 220 00:15:33,232 --> 00:15:34,633 - Wow. - Yeah. 221 00:15:35,633 --> 00:15:37,633 - They ran out of trousers? - I think that's just a serving suggestion, there. 222 00:15:37,633 --> 00:15:39,634 - I don't think that... - They... They ran out of trousers? 223 00:15:39,634 --> 00:15:42,636 Well, they... Obviously, in... In the War, there was a shortage of material. 224 00:15:42,636 --> 00:15:46,637 And how did they deal with it? What's the first thing you would do to save material with trousers? 225 00:15:46,637 --> 00:15:47,637 Put 'em in trenches. 226 00:15:51,638 --> 00:15:54,638 - You're trying to use less cloth in each trouser? - Yeah, exactly. 227 00:15:54,638 --> 00:15:56,639 - Wear lady-trousers! - In Scotland, you wear kilts, to... 228 00:15:56,639 --> 00:16:00,641 Or you take 'em off dead guys. I mean... the enemy! 229 00:16:00,641 --> 00:16:05,642 Yeah. But, no... Generally, the first thing that they banned... 230 00:16:05,642 --> 00:16:08,643 - Pleats, and things like that? - Turn-ups. 231 00:16:08,643 --> 00:16:10,643 Turn-ups? That saves about an inch of... 232 00:16:10,643 --> 00:16:13,644 Out of a million? It's a lot of material. 233 00:16:14,644 --> 00:16:18,645 And they were so serious about this. And if a tailor sold someone extra-long trousers, 234 00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:23,647 longer than they needed, knowingly, really, so that the wife would then make him turn-ups... 235 00:16:23,647 --> 00:16:25,648 - What about... - The tailor would then go to prison. 236 00:16:25,648 --> 00:16:29,649 What about older gentlemen who pull their trousers right up past their nipples...? 237 00:16:29,649 --> 00:16:30,649 Yes! Right up to the nipples. 238 00:16:30,649 --> 00:16:33,650 Right up to the nipples, there. First of all, what's going on there? 239 00:16:36,651 --> 00:16:38,651 Why don't they stop somewhere on the way...? 240 00:16:38,651 --> 00:16:42,653 They've got no pleasure in life left except to give themselves a wedgie every time they... 241 00:16:43,653 --> 00:16:48,654 Why don't they pull their trousers right, right up to just under their eyes? 242 00:16:49,655 --> 00:16:52,655 They then would save... They would save on shirtings. 243 00:16:52,655 --> 00:16:54,656 They could have a really long fly, like that. 244 00:16:57,657 --> 00:17:01,659 They must have an enormous fly, and the fly must be about two feet long. 245 00:17:03,659 --> 00:17:05,659 By the time you've undone it, you've forgotten where you were going. 246 00:17:06,660 --> 00:17:08,660 You just zip there, "Oh...". 247 00:17:08,660 --> 00:17:10,661 - Stop it. - "Nurse!" 248 00:17:12,661 --> 00:17:15,662 Also, boys under twelve couldn't have long trousers. They had to have shorts. 249 00:17:15,662 --> 00:17:18,663 And of course, women couldn't wear stockings, so they... What did they used to do? 250 00:17:18,663 --> 00:17:22,665 Oh, they used to draw a seam on the... Oh, there you are. Draw a seam on the back of their leg. 251 00:17:22,665 --> 00:17:25,665 Yeah. 'Cause they thought if their legs were bare, it was considered it made them look available. 252 00:17:25,665 --> 00:17:26,666 What? 253 00:17:26,666 --> 00:17:29,666 I don't know if the boys in the shorts thought the same. 254 00:17:29,666 --> 00:17:30,666 It was... 255 00:17:32,667 --> 00:17:35,668 Firstly, they would stain their legs to make them look tanned, 256 00:17:35,668 --> 00:17:39,670 with gravy browning and things like that. And then they would draw a line down the back, 257 00:17:39,670 --> 00:17:42,670 which looked like the seam on nylons. I mean, it seems crazy, but... 258 00:17:42,670 --> 00:17:45,671 Why didn't the soldiers just draw pictures of trousers on their...? 259 00:17:49,672 --> 00:17:50,672 Exactly! 260 00:17:52,673 --> 00:17:53,973 "I'm in pinstripes!" 261 00:17:54,673 --> 00:17:58,675 Pinstripes... All kinds of things like that. Well, anyway, during World War II, 262 00:17:58,675 --> 00:18:00,676 it became acceptable for women to wear trousers, 263 00:18:00,676 --> 00:18:03,676 but men weren't allowed turn-ups and boys were made to wear shorts. 264 00:18:03,676 --> 00:18:08,678 Now, as a fashion accessory, what would you rather have on you head? 265 00:18:08,678 --> 00:18:12,679 Would it be a cauliflower, a rhinoceros, or a pigeon's wing? 266 00:18:15,679 --> 00:18:16,179 Clive. 267 00:18:16,179 --> 00:18:21,982 Now, I have some friends in Scotland, and this was their expression for older women with, sort of, white hair, 268 00:18:21,982 --> 00:18:26,683 that sort of curly, you know, very tight perm. They used to call them "cauliflowers", 269 00:18:26,683 --> 00:18:30,684 because they thought their hair looked like a cauliflower. So, working from that, 270 00:18:30,684 --> 00:18:36,685 I'm saying that's a hairstyle, a cauliflower style. Pigeon wing could be a sort of swept back look... 271 00:18:37,687 --> 00:18:40,687 I can't work out why the rhinoceros. The rhinoceros is only famous because of the huge horn, 272 00:18:40,687 --> 00:18:42,688 so I can't quite make that into a hairstyle. 273 00:18:42,688 --> 00:18:49,689 Well, not a hairstyle exactly, but you're very close. In the 18th century, all your clothes put together, 274 00:18:49,689 --> 00:18:53,690 the expense of them, wouldn't add up to what you spent on this part of your fashion. 275 00:18:53,690 --> 00:18:54,691 Well, your sort of... Your wig? 276 00:18:54,691 --> 00:18:58,693 "Wig" is the right answer, in fact. So it is your hair. But... They used to have ships. 277 00:18:58,693 --> 00:19:02,694 I mean, literally, their hair done into huge sailing ships. 278 00:19:02,694 --> 00:19:02,694 You could have a rhinoceros horn. 279 00:19:02,694 --> 00:19:08,695 And a rhinoceros horn, and pigeon wings. You see there, these preposterous creations people had. 280 00:19:08,695 --> 00:19:10,695 Where do you think the idea came from? 281 00:19:10,695 --> 00:19:14,696 Because they got nasty hair lice and things like that, so they turned it... 282 00:19:14,696 --> 00:19:21,699 Unless you happened to lose your hair naturally, and effectively... You used to chop your hair off anyway, so... 283 00:19:21,699 --> 00:19:23,700 And then replace it with fake hair, false hair, a wig. 284 00:19:23,700 --> 00:19:30,701 An element of that. Generally speaking, it became enormously fashionable in the reign of Louis XIII... 285 00:19:30,701 --> 00:19:33,702 And what was it you were saying about trouser turn-ups? 286 00:19:33,702 --> 00:19:38,704 Oh, it was set by the Prince of Wales, so this king must have decided to wear a wig, so everybody else... 287 00:19:38,704 --> 00:19:40,705 - Why did he wear a wig? - Because he was bald! 288 00:19:40,705 --> 00:19:46,706 Exactly. He went bald quite early on, and was annoyed by it. So he wore this expensive wig, 289 00:19:46,706 --> 00:19:50,707 and the rest of the Court used to flatter him and imitate him. They wore wigs too, and from then on, 290 00:19:50,707 --> 00:19:55,709 for the next 200 years, almost, wigs became more and more... It was really the French Revolution that ended wig-wearing. 291 00:19:55,709 --> 00:19:58,710 Well, once you had your head chopped off, there was no real need for a wig, was there? 292 00:19:58,710 --> 00:20:00,710 - Basically! - It's a wasted accessory. 293 00:20:00,710 --> 00:20:01,711 It's a pretty drastic haircut. 294 00:20:01,711 --> 00:20:04,711 Well, it still hasn't gone away, quite, in the law courts. Everywhere, apart from criminal courts, 295 00:20:04,711 --> 00:20:10,713 they're gonna get rid of wigs for judges and barristers. But in the criminal courts, 296 00:20:10,713 --> 00:20:15,715 they decided to stick with wigs on the basis that the judges are more anonymous if they wear a... A wig, which... 297 00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:19,716 So why not just have the judges wear a mask? In fact, that would be kind of cool, really. 298 00:20:19,716 --> 00:20:24,717 Wouldn't it? I think they wouldn't want to look stupid, is the answer. They don't want to look silly. 299 00:20:24,717 --> 00:20:26,718 Why can't they be concealed bashfully behind a fan? 300 00:20:29,718 --> 00:20:35,721 "I sentence you to 25 years in prison. When you come out, you'll never find me." 301 00:20:38,722 --> 00:20:42,723 Of course, everyone assumes that in court, people wear long wigs, but they don't. 302 00:20:42,723 --> 00:20:46,723 They always wear little... Little wigs, as do the barristers and QCs, but, in their sort of formal, 303 00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:50,724 becoming a QC, all those formal processions, you wear this, sort of, long wig. But they never wear them in court. 304 00:20:50,724 --> 00:20:51,725 And they have to wear two... Two pairs of tights? 305 00:20:51,725 --> 00:20:53,725 - You don't have to, but it's a... - But apparently... 306 00:20:53,725 --> 00:20:55,727 - It's a... It's an option, you know. - Apparently, there is a tradition, 307 00:20:55,727 --> 00:20:57,727 because Queen Victoria was offended by seeing 308 00:20:57,727 --> 00:21:00,728 the hairs poke out, so they were told to put two on so there were no hairs. 309 00:21:00,728 --> 00:21:04,729 And they're black because the court went into mourning when Queen Anne died, 310 00:21:04,729 --> 00:21:09,730 and they never quite got 'round to changing it. So that's why barristers' robes and judges' are all... 311 00:21:09,730 --> 00:21:11,730 What kind of a country do we live in? 312 00:21:11,730 --> 00:21:15,732 A wig-wearing, faux-pas worrying-about, tea-drinking... 313 00:21:15,732 --> 00:21:18,733 - Fireplace... - You said it! You said it. 314 00:21:23,734 --> 00:21:27,735 I was at a party here, and this guy was telling me this story about when he wore corduroy. 315 00:21:27,735 --> 00:21:33,738 And he says, "You're American. Do... Do... Do you know what corduroy is?" And I said, "Nooo..." 316 00:21:34,738 --> 00:21:36,738 And then he went in and was trying to explain it. 317 00:21:36,738 --> 00:21:43,740 And eventually, four or five people were around me, drunk, trying to explain to me... What corduroy was. 318 00:21:43,740 --> 00:21:48,741 And eventually, this girl who we didn't know just left the room, and she went upstairs to her apartment. 319 00:21:48,741 --> 00:21:53,744 And she just dashed in the room with a corduroy jacket. "Here! This is what it is! This is what it is!" 320 00:21:53,744 --> 00:21:57,744 And, you know, it's just... I went along with it, because... 321 00:21:57,744 --> 00:21:58,745 That's very sporting of you. 322 00:21:58,745 --> 00:22:02,746 There's nothing like the warm look on white people's face when they feel like they teaching you something. 323 00:22:05,746 --> 00:22:08,747 Oh! Dear me. 324 00:22:09,747 --> 00:22:13,749 You used to be a king, once upon a time, to wear corduroy. You used to... It was restricted to kings. 325 00:22:13,749 --> 00:22:14,750 - "Cord of the king." - Yes. 326 00:22:14,750 --> 00:22:15,750 "Corde du roi." 327 00:22:15,750 --> 00:22:17,750 Sumptuary. Rules of. 328 00:22:17,750 --> 00:22:22,751 Yeah. Then there's... Now we have needle cord, and jumbo cord, we have needle cord, we have all kinds! 329 00:22:22,751 --> 00:22:25,752 Yeah. Yeah. Anyway... 330 00:22:25,752 --> 00:22:26,752 Look how pleased he looks! 331 00:22:27,753 --> 00:22:30,753 Well, this is my normal look. It's my QI look. 332 00:22:30,753 --> 00:22:36,756 The cauliflower, the rhinoceros, and the pigeon's wing were all 18th century wigs. All very good form, no doubt, 333 00:22:36,756 --> 00:22:40,757 but here is the most interesting form I have played with. I just wanted to show you this. 334 00:22:40,757 --> 00:22:48,759 This item here is a very extraordinary item. It's the only mono-monostatic item in the world. 335 00:22:49,759 --> 00:22:56,762 It's self-righting. Whichever way you put it, it will always right itself, like this. And... 336 00:22:56,762 --> 00:23:00,763 - What about Weebles? - Yeah, it's like a Weeble. 337 00:23:00,763 --> 00:23:01,763 Oh! Heavy! 338 00:23:01,763 --> 00:23:05,764 And there's a glass one, here. Here's one made of transparent material to show that it's not weighted in any way. 339 00:23:05,764 --> 00:23:13,767 It's much more extraordinary than it looks, as it were, when you get the hang of it. It always ends up like this. 340 00:23:14,767 --> 00:23:18,768 Be careful with it, because it's so... It's... Well, it's... 341 00:23:18,768 --> 00:23:21,769 -Is it extremely valuable? - We're very honoured because we actually... 342 00:23:24,769 --> 00:23:28,770 We actually have... Have you dropped it?! You haven't. 343 00:23:29,771 --> 00:23:33,772 You put it under your hat. Lift your hat. 344 00:23:33,772 --> 00:23:35,773 - Oh, you're cunning. - Yeah! 345 00:23:35,773 --> 00:23:39,774 - God, it was like Kingdom there, for a minute. - No, listen. We are actually very... 346 00:23:39,774 --> 00:23:41,774 You were way ahead of me. 347 00:23:47,776 --> 00:23:52,778 We have Gabor Domokos, the inventor, here with us. Gabor? 348 00:23:52,778 --> 00:23:54,779 - Good evening. - Hi. 349 00:23:54,779 --> 00:24:00,780 It's very good to see you. He's from Hungary, and he and his colleague Peter Varkonyi invented this. 350 00:24:00,780 --> 00:24:02,780 Can you explain to me exactly what it is? 351 00:24:02,780 --> 00:24:07,782 Well, this is like a Weeble, without the weight. 352 00:24:08,782 --> 00:24:10,783 It is like a Weeble! You get a point. You see? 353 00:24:10,783 --> 00:24:15,785 It is just the shape. But you have to get it right. The tolerance of the shape... 354 00:24:15,785 --> 00:24:18,785 - Yeah. - Is about one-hundredth of a millimetre. 355 00:24:18,785 --> 00:24:25,787 Do you mean to say, if this... These edges here were one-hundredth of a millimetre out, it wouldn't right itself. 356 00:24:25,787 --> 00:24:27,787 - It wouldn't. - You'd actually be able to keep it in one position. 357 00:24:27,787 --> 00:24:29,789 - Right. That's correct. - Hey, Gabor... 358 00:24:29,789 --> 00:24:30,789 It always goes back to its own... 359 00:24:30,789 --> 00:24:33,790 Have you thought about making these into salt and pepper shakers? 360 00:24:35,790 --> 00:24:37,791 That's a brilliant idea, Gabor! 361 00:24:37,791 --> 00:24:38,791 Then you might make some money off of it. 362 00:24:39,791 --> 00:24:42,792 Yeah, Gabor! Dragon's Den! Come on! 363 00:24:48,793 --> 00:24:51,795 You're actually scientists, mathematicians, yeah? 364 00:24:51,795 --> 00:24:53,796 - Engineers, yeah. - Engineers. 365 00:24:53,796 --> 00:24:54,796 Yeah, sort of. 366 00:24:54,796 --> 00:24:57,797 And did... How... How did you come to build it? What gave you the idea that this could be done? 367 00:24:57,797 --> 00:25:01,798 Well, we got the question first. First we got the question from a mathematician, 368 00:25:01,798 --> 00:25:04,798 and we thought about it, and then we thought we should build it. 369 00:25:04,798 --> 00:25:08,799 But after we built it, we realised it's already there. 370 00:25:09,801 --> 00:25:10,801 In what way is it already there? 371 00:25:10,801 --> 00:25:14,802 Well, some turtles seem to have similar shapes. 372 00:25:14,802 --> 00:25:17,802 So, you're saying evolution got there first? 373 00:25:17,802 --> 00:25:20,803 Evolution got there a couple of million years earlier, yeah. 374 00:25:22,804 --> 00:25:24,804 So do you feel like you've wasted your life? 375 00:25:30,807 --> 00:25:35,808 You so have not! Well, Gabor, thank you very much for coming all the way from Hungary to explain. 376 00:25:35,808 --> 00:25:37,808 Thank you very much indeed. 377 00:25:38,808 --> 00:25:39,809 Köszönöm. 378 00:25:41,809 --> 00:25:45,810 It's called... It's called a "gomboc", or a "gömböc". 379 00:25:45,810 --> 00:25:47,811 - It's a rather beautiful object. - Does it have any practical application? 380 00:25:47,811 --> 00:25:51,813 I d... No, I don't think it does have a practical application. That's what's so beautiful about it. 381 00:25:51,813 --> 00:25:51,813 Didn't they invent the... 382 00:25:51,813 --> 00:25:53,813 - The Rubik's Cube in Hungary as well? - Rubik's Cube is a... 383 00:25:53,813 --> 00:25:55,814 - A Hungarian invention. Absolutely. - And the Biro. 384 00:25:55,814 --> 00:25:58,814 - Laszlo Biro invented the Biro, didn't he. - Absolutely. 385 00:25:58,814 --> 00:26:00,815 My grandfather was a Hungarian Jew. He said, 386 00:26:00,815 --> 00:26:04,816 "A Hungarian is the only man who can follow you into a revolving door and come out first." 387 00:26:07,817 --> 00:26:12,819 So there you are! It's the gömböc. It's the world's first mono-monostatic shape. It isn't weighted in any way, 388 00:26:12,819 --> 00:26:16,820 but whichever way you place it, it will always turn itself up the right way. 389 00:26:16,820 --> 00:26:19,820 Now, I'm not a great follower of fashion myself, as you can probably tell. 390 00:26:19,820 --> 00:26:20,821 Oh, Stephen. 391 00:26:20,821 --> 00:26:24,821 No, I'm something of an old fossil, as it happens. 392 00:26:24,821 --> 00:26:31,824 But what would you say if I told you that this was the first fossil ever identified? 393 00:26:35,825 --> 00:26:39,826 I... Well. Is it? I'd say, "Is it?" 394 00:26:41,827 --> 00:26:44,827 Thank you for not falling into our trap, and... You wouldn't say, "bollocks." 395 00:26:44,827 --> 00:26:45,828 Oh, "bollocks". 396 00:26:45,828 --> 00:26:48,829 It does look like a handsome pair of human plums, but it isn't. 397 00:26:50,830 --> 00:26:54,831 Robert Plot who was the first keeper of the Ashmolean Museum in Oxford... 398 00:26:54,831 --> 00:26:57,831 He recognized it to be a thigh bone. But it's huge. 399 00:26:57,831 --> 00:26:58,832 You can't quite tell its scale here. 400 00:26:58,832 --> 00:27:03,833 So he assumed it was the thigh bone of a Roman elephant, or of a giant race of humans. 401 00:27:04,833 --> 00:27:09,835 But he also, as I say, recognizing its shape being as it is, called it "Scrotum humanum". 402 00:27:09,835 --> 00:27:14,836 'Cause that's pretty much what it looks like, let's be honest. But it turned out to be a Megalosaur. 403 00:27:14,836 --> 00:27:16,837 There is one. A real one. 404 00:27:17,837 --> 00:27:19,838 It's a shame they're not still about... 405 00:27:20,838 --> 00:27:22,838 - It is, isn't it? - Up and down the M1. 406 00:27:25,839 --> 00:27:30,841 It's very hard to try and get a grip on how old life on Earth is. But if life on Earth began on January 1st, 407 00:27:30,841 --> 00:27:36,843 and we are now literally the very end of the year, when did the dinosaurs appear? 408 00:27:37,843 --> 00:27:39,843 - Hang on, I've got lost there. - Tuesday. 409 00:27:40,844 --> 00:27:41,844 That's no good. 410 00:27:41,844 --> 00:27:46,846 The dinosaurs are 200 million years ago... About mid-November. 411 00:27:47,846 --> 00:27:49,847 Not bad. A little later; December 5th. 412 00:27:49,847 --> 00:27:52,848 - Yeah, not bad! - It's a very... Very good. 413 00:27:52,848 --> 00:27:55,848 So we... And we come in at sort of five to midnight on December 31st, or something, do we? 414 00:27:55,848 --> 00:28:01,850 We come in a few minutes before midnight on December 31st. But they became extinct on December 24th, on Christmas Eve. 415 00:28:01,850 --> 00:28:04,850 So December 5th to December 24th. 416 00:28:04,850 --> 00:28:06,852 - They became extinct on December 24. - Yeah. 417 00:28:06,852 --> 00:28:10,853 Then that's saying the human race got, what, about six days before, you know... 418 00:28:11,853 --> 00:28:13,854 Clocks go back, or something? What... What... What...? 419 00:28:13,854 --> 00:28:15,854 - Here's a year. - Okay. 420 00:28:15,854 --> 00:28:19,855 And that year represents the totality of time there's been life on Earth. 421 00:28:19,855 --> 00:28:20,855 - Totality of time. - That's the beginning... 422 00:28:20,855 --> 00:28:22,856 - That's beginning, over there. - And this is now. 423 00:28:22,856 --> 00:28:24,857 - Uh huh. - Assuming that time is a linear... 424 00:28:24,857 --> 00:28:25,857 Yeah. Exactly, yeah. 425 00:28:26,858 --> 00:28:27,858 Thank you. 426 00:28:31,159 --> 00:28:31,859 So... 427 00:28:32,859 --> 00:28:36,860 Let's suppose that it's a long pair of trousers, time. 428 00:28:37,860 --> 00:28:40,861 Man appeared at the top of the fly... 429 00:28:41,861 --> 00:28:44,863 You unzip your trousers and a dinosaur comes out. 430 00:28:44,863 --> 00:28:46,864 Yeah, basically. That's sort of what happens, isn't it. 431 00:28:46,864 --> 00:28:50,864 Oddly enough, "sauros" was ancient Greek slang for "penis". 432 00:28:50,864 --> 00:28:51,265 Was it? 433 00:28:51,265 --> 00:28:54,865 "Sauros" means "lizard", yeah. And they would call it your "lizard". Your knob. 434 00:28:55,866 --> 00:28:57,866 Just thought you'd like to know that. 435 00:28:57,866 --> 00:29:02,867 I do. I'm pleased to know that. Why is "thesaurus", then? Is that Latin? That's not ancient... 436 00:29:02,867 --> 00:29:08,870 That's a different word. "Thesaurus" means a "treasure house", or "repository". In this case, a treasure house of words. 437 00:29:08,870 --> 00:29:10,870 So you might refer to your backside as a "thesaurus". 438 00:29:12,871 --> 00:29:18,872 I'd like to think my bottom is a treasure house, yes, Alan! Thank you for that! 439 00:29:22,873 --> 00:29:25,875 "My bottom is a treasure house" is a really good catch phrase. 440 00:29:29,876 --> 00:29:31,876 I'll... It will be my billing matter, on my post. 441 00:29:31,876 --> 00:29:35,877 Stephen "My Bottom is a Treasure House" Fry. Yeah. I could go with that. All right. 442 00:29:35,877 --> 00:29:43,880 So, the Megalosaurus. It's deader than the dodo, but... Name a living fossil. Name a living... 443 00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:45,881 Yes. 444 00:29:45,881 --> 00:29:47,881 The ginkgo tree is a living fossil. 445 00:29:47,881 --> 00:29:52,882 The ginkgo is a type of tree tree which is a very... There's only one type of ginkgo. 446 00:29:52,882 --> 00:29:57,884 It belongs to its own family of trees, and they used to rule the Earth, like the dinosaurs. 447 00:29:57,884 --> 00:30:01,884 They used to be about a hundred million, maybe two hundred million years ago, ginkgos lived everywhere. 448 00:30:01,884 --> 00:30:02,886 Now they're down to these... 449 00:30:02,886 --> 00:30:06,887 So you're saying that there was a time that these trees just walked around the countryside... 450 00:30:06,887 --> 00:30:09,887 - They... They might... - Drinking gin, and killing... 451 00:30:09,887 --> 00:30:12,888 I think so. I don't think they walked around much. They just stayed where they were. But there were lots of them. 452 00:30:12,888 --> 00:30:14,889 As in ginkgo biloba? 453 00:30:14,889 --> 00:30:18,890 Yes, and that's it. That's the... The... And I don't think you can find it in the wild anymore. 454 00:30:18,890 --> 00:30:21,890 It's planted a lot; it's quite an attractive tree. But it's a very ancient type of tree. 455 00:30:21,890 --> 00:30:27,893 It's used enormously and extensively by herbalists, isn't it, as a... Supposedly as a memory-enhancer, ginkgo biloba. 456 00:30:27,893 --> 00:30:29,893 - I'd forgotten that, but, er... - Hey! 457 00:30:30,893 --> 00:30:33,894 How can anything be a living fossil? Because a fossil has to be dead, doesn't it? 458 00:30:33,894 --> 00:30:36,895 Well, it's a phrase termed by Darwin, reference to the duckbill platypus. 459 00:30:36,895 --> 00:30:39,896 And it's applied to crocodiles and coelacanths and things like that. 460 00:30:39,896 --> 00:30:44,898 But there are very few species that are identical to their fossilised predecessors. Literally identical. 461 00:30:44,898 --> 00:30:48,899 - That have not... - And you're not going with me; I'm... 462 00:30:48,899 --> 00:30:51,899 - I'm going with Lomatia tasmanica. - Tasmanian devil. 463 00:30:51,899 --> 00:30:55,900 Not the T... No, the "King's Holly". It is from Tasmania, and it's a plant. 464 00:30:55,900 --> 00:30:57,901 It is a very extraordinary plant. We've got a picture of it. 465 00:30:57,901 --> 00:30:59,901 It looks a bit like a crocod... Oh, no, it doesn't. 466 00:30:59,901 --> 00:31:01,903 It doesn't look extraordinary, but that plant there... 467 00:31:01,903 --> 00:31:02,903 Yes? 468 00:31:02,903 --> 00:31:11,905 Is 43,600 years old. And it is genetically identical to a fossil that is near it, a genuine fossil, 469 00:31:11,905 --> 00:31:16,906 which is Pleistocene. Which is millions and millions of years old. And it is exactly the same. 470 00:31:16,906 --> 00:31:20,907 So it just stuck to the... You know, it decided on a design that worked for it. It has a good look. 471 00:31:20,907 --> 00:31:21,909 It has three... Exactly right. 472 00:31:21,909 --> 00:31:22,909 - It has three X-chromosomes. - It's a bit spiky. 473 00:31:22,909 --> 00:31:27,910 It is sterile. It just, basically, doesn't do what other life forms do, which is, you know, 474 00:31:27,910 --> 00:31:30,911 try and vary itself and change. It just stays like that. 475 00:31:30,911 --> 00:31:35,912 All the other plants are going, "Look at us, we've got oranges now. You've got nothing." 476 00:31:35,912 --> 00:31:38,913 They might provide the answer to eternal life. You might think, well... 477 00:31:38,913 --> 00:31:41,914 'Cause they... They virtually have it, 'cause they've got no need to age. 478 00:31:41,914 --> 00:31:44,915 Is that a good idea, though, eternal life? It depends when it starts, doesn't it? 479 00:31:44,915 --> 00:31:49,916 Because if you get to the point where your trousers are just under your nipples, and then you live forever from there... 480 00:31:49,916 --> 00:31:50,917 Yeah. 481 00:31:50,917 --> 00:31:55,918 The point is, this is simultaneously a fossil and a living thing, which is pretty astounding. 482 00:31:55,918 --> 00:31:59,919 Now, how did the canals on Mars get there? 483 00:31:59,919 --> 00:32:02,920 - Oh, that's one of the canals on Mars now! - No, that actually isn't, to be honest. 484 00:32:02,920 --> 00:32:04,921 - They've sent that probe up there. - I think that's in, er... 485 00:32:04,921 --> 00:32:07,922 That's Little Mars, in the west of London, isn't it? 486 00:32:07,922 --> 00:32:14,923 This is when, if they ever had, temperature changes, the... The... The... 487 00:32:14,923 --> 00:32:18,924 The surface has expanded and contracted and left, sort of, little ridges like that. 488 00:32:18,924 --> 00:32:21,926 I mean, the short answer is, there aren't any canals on Mars. 489 00:32:21,926 --> 00:32:23,927 - Oh. - There's no water on Mars. 490 00:32:23,927 --> 00:32:28,928 They discovered some water recently on Mars. They was happy as hell about that, too. 491 00:32:29,928 --> 00:32:31,928 And there's a bottle of Evian that no one can explain. 492 00:32:32,929 --> 00:32:35,929 Well, the... The point of it is, it was most fashionable to believe in life on Mars, 493 00:32:35,929 --> 00:32:39,931 well over a hundred years ago. There was an Italian astronomer called Schiaparelli, 494 00:32:39,931 --> 00:32:45,933 who called these things "canalli", that he saw. He thought he saw a number of long, straight lines on Mars, which... 495 00:32:45,933 --> 00:32:50,934 He named them after rivers on Earth. But then, one of the greatest astronomers of his age, Percival Lowell, 496 00:32:50,934 --> 00:32:55,935 after whom an observatory telescope is named... And actually, after whom Pluto is named, 497 00:32:55,935 --> 00:33:02,938 because they chose that planet because it begins with P-L. But he drew amazing maps of Mars, 498 00:33:02,938 --> 00:33:07,939 looking through his powerful telescope, showing all these straight lines and connecting these things. 499 00:33:07,939 --> 00:33:10,940 - But you're saying they're not there? - They're not there. 500 00:33:10,940 --> 00:33:14,941 So was the original Italian... Was he looking through a... Fishnet stockings, or something, at the time? 501 00:33:14,941 --> 00:33:18,943 Well, you've almost got it. He... 'Cause was a great astronomer. He was not an idiot. 502 00:33:18,943 --> 00:33:19,943 He had a dirty lens. 503 00:33:19,943 --> 00:33:23,944 - He kind of had that, but in his head. - Ah. 504 00:33:23,944 --> 00:33:26,945 He had a condition which is named after him, it's called Lowell's Syndrome, 505 00:33:26,945 --> 00:33:30,946 in which the various blood vessels and things, and the... 506 00:33:30,946 --> 00:33:34,947 And the nodes where the blood vessels meet, seem to become straight lines. 507 00:33:34,947 --> 00:33:39,949 It's a thing that comes and goes, but particularly on the small surface of Mars... 508 00:33:39,949 --> 00:33:41,949 On the big surface of the Moon, you'd see that it didn't make sense. 509 00:33:41,949 --> 00:33:44,950 And he'd draw all of this, and it's all absolute nonsense. 510 00:33:45,950 --> 00:33:52,952 And so we arrive, fashionably late, at the bring-a-bottle staircase party of General Ignorance. 511 00:33:52,952 --> 00:33:56,953 Fingers on buzzers, please. In deference to our two American guests this week... 512 00:33:56,953 --> 00:34:02,955 Yankee Doodle put a feather in his cap to look fashionable. But why did he call it "Macaroni"? 513 00:34:04,956 --> 00:34:07,956 He was "dumber than a bag of wet mice". 514 00:34:11,957 --> 00:34:13,958 Well, oddly enough... 515 00:34:14,958 --> 00:34:16,959 Strangely enough, you're kind of right. 516 00:34:16,959 --> 00:34:20,961 Well, it's about, erm, a kid traveling to see General Washington's troops. The song. 517 00:34:21,961 --> 00:34:25,962 There was General Washington upon a silver stallion, giving orders to his men; there must have been a million. 518 00:34:25,962 --> 00:34:32,963 That's the next verse. So I think he was conscripted, and he was purposely trying to look insane. 519 00:34:32,963 --> 00:34:36,965 Well, it was a British song. It was an insult to the Yankee. The idea... Because a Macaroni... 520 00:34:36,965 --> 00:34:39,966 It was... Just to be Italian. Just to be fashionably Italian, wasn't it? 521 00:34:39,966 --> 00:34:42,967 Well, there was a Macaroni Club in London at the time, which was full of dandies. 522 00:34:42,967 --> 00:34:47,968 A "Macaroni" was another name for "dandy", for someone who took exquisite trouble over their dress. 523 00:34:47,968 --> 00:34:50,969 Are you telling me that a Brit wrote "Yankee Doodle"? 524 00:34:50,969 --> 00:34:52,969 Yeah. The idea was that the Yankees were so dumb... 525 00:34:52,969 --> 00:34:55,970 - "Dumber than a..." - Well, I guess we are, because we play it all the time! 526 00:34:55,970 --> 00:35:00,972 No... No, you... You take something that's supposed to be an insult, and you make a virtue of it. 527 00:35:00,972 --> 00:35:02,973 You throw it back in the oppressor's face. 528 00:35:02,973 --> 00:35:03,973 That's how you show 'em that they can't hurt you! 529 00:35:03,973 --> 00:35:06,974 Exactly! Exactly! 530 00:35:06,974 --> 00:35:11,975 My mama taught me that one. "Just look at 'em and just laugh at 'em. Just take they... 531 00:35:11,975 --> 00:35:14,976 Take... Take... Take they insults, and don't show them your pain." 532 00:35:14,976 --> 00:35:16,977 That's what we did. That's why we beat you. 533 00:35:16,977 --> 00:35:22,978 Yes! So. The point is, at the end of the 18th century, the "Macaroni" was a dandy. 534 00:35:22,978 --> 00:35:25,979 The song was a British attempt to make fun of unsophisticated Yankees. 535 00:35:25,979 --> 00:35:28,980 What rhymes with "month"? 536 00:35:28,980 --> 00:35:30,980 - Bunth. Dunth. Yunth - This word, I would have to say, 537 00:35:30,980 --> 00:35:32,981 - is probably not known to you. - Junth! 538 00:35:32,981 --> 00:35:34,981 It's Sikhism. It's, er, what the Qur'an... 539 00:35:34,981 --> 00:35:36,983 - "Sikhism" does not rhyme with "month"! - No... 540 00:35:36,983 --> 00:35:39,983 I'm telling you... I'm taking you into the world of Sikhism. 541 00:35:39,983 --> 00:35:45,985 What the Qur'an is to the Islamic faith, this thing is to the Sikh faith. It's their text. 542 00:35:45,985 --> 00:35:47,985 And it's called the Granth. 543 00:35:48,986 --> 00:35:49,986 There, you see! 544 00:35:49,986 --> 00:35:51,986 - I did every bloody letter except "gunth"! - But we should know... 545 00:35:51,986 --> 00:35:52,987 Yeah. 546 00:35:52,987 --> 00:35:54,987 But we should know that. I mean, that's not... It's not that obscure. 547 00:35:54,987 --> 00:35:57,989 No, it isn't. That's what I mean. It's a perfectly reasonable word. 548 00:35:57,989 --> 00:35:59,989 So loads of Sikhs watching this programme have been screaming... 549 00:35:59,989 --> 00:36:02,990 - "Gunth! Gunth! You idiot!" - "For goodness sake! Gunth! Gunth!" 550 00:36:02,990 --> 00:36:04,990 - No, it's a "Granth". - Ah. 551 00:36:04,990 --> 00:36:05,991 A "Garr-anth". 552 00:36:05,991 --> 00:36:08,991 Not "Garr-anth". Just "Granth". There are a lot that supposedly don't have rhymes, 553 00:36:08,991 --> 00:36:15,994 and "month" was one such word. There you are. So, the holy text of Sikhism is the Guru Granth Sahib. 554 00:36:16,994 --> 00:36:19,995 Which city has the most Michelin stars? 555 00:36:20,995 --> 00:36:21,996 Paris. Oh. 556 00:36:23,996 --> 00:36:24,996 Oh! I'm sorry. 557 00:36:24,996 --> 00:36:30,998 Wait, wait! That don't count. I said "Paris"... Before I pushed the button. So I get a free... 558 00:36:30,998 --> 00:36:36,000 I get a free guess! Hey, I'm... I'm... I'm black. 559 00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:39,001 Oh! Don't you try that. 560 00:36:41,001 --> 00:36:44,002 - I know for a fact it ain't London. - It's not in France. 561 00:36:44,002 --> 00:36:45,002 New York, then. 562 00:36:45,002 --> 00:36:47,003 Oh! New York, I'm afraid, has been... 563 00:36:47,003 --> 00:36:48,003 Wait a minute... 564 00:36:49,003 --> 00:36:51,004 - Canada? - London. Oh, that's... 565 00:36:52,004 --> 00:36:54,005 - Who said "London"? - Alan said "London". 566 00:36:54,005 --> 00:36:57,006 - I didn't say "London"! You did! - Oh, I said "London". Sorry. Sorry. 567 00:36:57,006 --> 00:36:59,006 - Or Rich said "London"! - I didn't say anything. 568 00:36:59,006 --> 00:37:00,007 He didn't say a word! 569 00:37:01,007 --> 00:37:04,008 - And frankly, you should be glad. - Wait a second. You said "London". 570 00:37:04,008 --> 00:37:11,009 No, I would never say "London". No, what I did say... I said, "Definitely not London." That's what I said. 571 00:37:11,009 --> 00:37:14,011 No, I did! I actually said... I did! What? 572 00:37:15,011 --> 00:37:17,012 I will believe you. I will believe you. 573 00:37:17,012 --> 00:37:21,013 Okay, let me tell you why I said "definitely not London". And I'm not just trying to offend London. 574 00:37:21,013 --> 00:37:30,015 Um, I'm trying to offend the UK in general. But I feel like any country that can produce Marmite... 575 00:37:30,015 --> 00:37:34,017 They... They started later than everybody else in trying to make food taste good. Um... 576 00:37:35,017 --> 00:37:38,018 This, from the country that has spray-on cheese! 577 00:37:45,019 --> 00:37:46,020 But you're right. It isn't Britain. 578 00:37:46,020 --> 00:37:49,020 No, man, you can't cut me off! You gotta give me a chance to insult you back! 579 00:37:49,020 --> 00:37:50,021 Oh, right. Sorry. 580 00:37:52,021 --> 00:37:56,023 Marmite tastes like there's a naked man with hairy legs in your kitchen... 581 00:37:56,023 --> 00:37:57,023 Yeah. 582 00:37:57,023 --> 00:38:02,025 And every now and again, you take a plate with some toast and you walk under his butt and you go, 583 00:38:02,025 --> 00:38:06,025 "Okay, Fred! 'Do what you do best!'" 584 00:38:12,027 --> 00:38:13,028 Very good. 585 00:38:14,028 --> 00:38:19,030 - No, the place that has the most Michelin stars is... - Germany. Holland. Belgium. 586 00:38:19,030 --> 00:38:20,030 - Tokyo. - Tokyo, is the right answer. 587 00:38:20,030 --> 00:38:23,031 Oh, yeah, man. Yeah. I should have thought of that. I should have thought of that. 588 00:38:23,031 --> 00:38:27,032 It went straight to number 1. It was only put in in 2007. 589 00:38:27,032 --> 00:38:31,032 And it leapt to the front with 150 stars amongst its different restaurants... 590 00:38:31,032 --> 00:38:34,034 Which is two more than London and Paris combined. 591 00:38:34,034 --> 00:38:38,035 I could also point out to you that if you put spray-on cheese on top of Marmite... 592 00:38:39,035 --> 00:38:41,036 You still get something that tastes fucked-up. 593 00:38:44,037 --> 00:38:48,038 That's all I want to say. In fact, you can take your favourite food. And if you put Marmite on it, 594 00:38:48,038 --> 00:38:49,038 it's fucked up. 595 00:38:50,038 --> 00:38:52,040 - Why don't you just keep away from Marmite?! - Yes! 596 00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:55,040 Hey, look, man! When you was talking earlier, I didn't say, 597 00:38:55,040 --> 00:38:59,041 "Hey, why don't you stay away from ginkgo trees? I ain't say nothing!" I just... 598 00:38:59,041 --> 00:39:03,042 I just let you talk about trees, man! Weren't nobody else talking about trees but you. 599 00:39:05,043 --> 00:39:07,043 That's the way it works on this programme, but... 600 00:39:07,043 --> 00:39:09,044 - To be fair, Clive... - "Who... Who are you?" 601 00:39:15,046 --> 00:39:21,047 All right, moving on! Tokyo has the most Michelin stars, twice as many as Paris, and three times as many as New York. 602 00:39:21,047 --> 00:39:24,048 What colour is a nicotine stain? 603 00:39:24,048 --> 00:39:26,049 Sort of yellowy-brown. 604 00:39:29,049 --> 00:39:30,050 Yellowy-brown, eh? 605 00:39:30,050 --> 00:39:33,051 Yellowy-brown, yes. Not "yellow". Just... 606 00:39:35,052 --> 00:39:40,053 You're going to tell us that the stain comes from the tar. The yellow or brown is from the tar. 607 00:39:40,053 --> 00:39:42,054 Nicotine itself is green or something. 608 00:39:42,054 --> 00:39:43,054 The nicotine stain has no... 609 00:39:43,054 --> 00:39:45,054 - No stain at all? - No. It's completely colourless. 610 00:39:45,054 --> 00:39:47,055 So, it just kills you quietly on its own. 611 00:39:47,055 --> 00:39:52,057 It's very, very poisonous. But it is... It's colourless, odourless, and more or less invisible and untracable. 612 00:39:52,057 --> 00:39:55,058 It's a brilliant poison. Do you know why it's called nicotine? 613 00:39:55,058 --> 00:39:57,058 "Nicotine. Just one puff, and you're mine." 614 00:39:58,058 --> 00:39:59,059 - I remember that at school! - Yeah! 615 00:39:59,059 --> 00:40:02,059 He was. He was the cigarette devil. He was like an Irish cigarette devil. 616 00:40:02,059 --> 00:40:04,060 Why is it called "nicotine"? 617 00:40:04,060 --> 00:40:07,060 Oh, it was a Frenchman called Nicot... Was the, sort of, Walter Raleigh of France, 618 00:40:07,060 --> 00:40:09,061 - Ah, Nicot. - who introduced tobacco to the French. 619 00:40:09,061 --> 00:40:11,062 "Nicot", spelt: N - I - C - O - T. 620 00:40:11,062 --> 00:40:14,063 - Wow, I sure didn't know that. - Yeah. Well, now you do! 621 00:40:15,063 --> 00:40:19,064 Which dictator definitely only had one ball? 622 00:40:22,065 --> 00:40:26,066 It's not the... Well, I'm not going to give my points away on that. 'Cause I know that was, er... 623 00:40:26,066 --> 00:40:30,068 It was made up about the one we mustn't say. So we're looking for another dictator. 624 00:40:30,068 --> 00:40:33,069 - Yes, you're quite right. It wasn't Adolf Hitler. - Pol Pot. 625 00:40:33,069 --> 00:40:34,069 It wasn't Pol... Oh! 626 00:40:36,069 --> 00:40:39,070 Stalin. You haven't got "Stalin" up? 627 00:40:39,070 --> 00:40:40,070 Oh, yes. 628 00:40:43,071 --> 00:40:46,072 Ceausescu. Chairman Mao? 629 00:40:46,072 --> 00:40:48,072 "Chairman Mao" is the right answer! 630 00:40:48,072 --> 00:40:50,074 - He only got one ball? - Yeah. 631 00:40:50,074 --> 00:40:51,074 - But he used to have lots of girls. - He was, uhm... 632 00:40:51,074 --> 00:40:52,074 He looks proud of it. 633 00:40:52,074 --> 00:40:54,075 Monorchidism, it's called. One orchid. 634 00:40:54,075 --> 00:40:57,075 Yes. Only one flower display, and also... 635 00:40:57,075 --> 00:41:00,076 Exactly. Orchid is the same root, is the same word. It's the Greek for "testicle". 636 00:41:00,076 --> 00:41:03,077 Whose "testimony"? Another word which derives from the same source. 637 00:41:03,077 --> 00:41:06,078 His doctor. Yes, "testimony". Yes. Dr. Li Zhisui was his doctor. 638 00:41:06,078 --> 00:41:10,080 In his memoirs, he describes how Mao had an undescended testicle, and was infertile. 639 00:41:11,080 --> 00:41:17,081 Had venereal disease from the late '50s, and then in the '60s, he contracted herpes. '67. 640 00:41:17,081 --> 00:41:22,082 He never brushed his teeth; he rinsed his mouth with tea. So his teeth were... Green. 641 00:41:22,082 --> 00:41:25,083 He also slept on a wooden bed and used a bed pan. 642 00:41:26,083 --> 00:41:28,085 That's just convenient, though. That's just convenient. Yeah. 643 00:41:29,085 --> 00:41:37,087 Yes. No, Hitler's reputation for being uni-globular is, is... Apparently has no justification at all. 644 00:41:37,087 --> 00:41:39,088 But, Mao most certainly was. 645 00:41:39,088 --> 00:41:44,089 And that... That, ladies and gentlemen, brings us to the scores. And first... 646 00:41:45,089 --> 00:41:48,091 After a "fashion", with a plus score... 647 00:41:49,091 --> 00:41:51,091 Four points, Rich Hall! 648 00:42:02,094 --> 00:42:06,095 In second place, with minus five, only slightly passe, Clive Anderson. 649 00:42:06,095 --> 00:42:08,096 I was playing to lose! 650 00:42:11,097 --> 00:42:13,098 I can't even... I'm rubbish at losing. 651 00:42:14,098 --> 00:42:18,099 Oh, and doing what he did well, with minus six, 652 00:42:18,099 --> 00:42:20,099 Reg D. Hunter, ladies and gentlemen. 653 00:42:26,101 --> 00:42:33,103 And positively paleontological in his outmodedness is tonight's living fossil, 654 00:42:33,103 --> 00:42:35,104 on minus thirty-five, Alan Davies. 655 00:42:43,106 --> 00:42:47,108 And so, it's good night from Rich, Reg, Clive, Alan, and me, 656 00:42:47,108 --> 00:42:50,109 and we leave you with this thought from Oscar Wilde. 657 00:42:50,109 --> 00:42:56,110 "Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months." 658 00:42:56,110 --> 00:43:01,111 My name is Stephen "My Bottom is a Treasure House" Fry; thank you, and good night.