1 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:36,199 Well … Good evening! 2 00:00:36,199 --> 00:00:39,118 Good evening, good evening, good evening good evening, good evening, good evening. 3 00:00:39,118 --> 00:00:40,917 Welcome to QI. 4 00:00:40,917 --> 00:00:42,957 Tonight, we're fathoming the future, 5 00:00:42,957 --> 00:00:46,836 festooned with a fellowship of far-seeing forecasters. 6 00:00:46,836 --> 00:00:50,834 We have the Wily Wizard of Woking himself, Sean Lock! 7 00:00:50,834 --> 00:00:52,874 Thank you. 8 00:00:54,033 --> 00:00:59,072 And we have the prognosticating Arch druid of Port Talbot, 9 00:00:59,072 --> 00:01:01,031 Rob Brydon! 10 00:01:04,710 --> 00:01:07,949 And we are so honoured with our next guest, Ben Miller, 11 00:01:07,949 --> 00:01:09,549 who had a crack at a Ph.D. 12 00:01:09,549 --> 00:01:15,747 in novel quantum effects in Quasi-Zero Dimensional Mesoscopic Electrical Systems! 13 00:01:17,786 --> 00:01:20,626 Wow! 14 00:01:20,626 --> 00:01:24,784 And Alan Davies, who has also come along. 15 00:01:33,102 --> 00:01:36,541 Let's have a foretaste of your futuristic fingerings. Sean goes … 16 00:01:40,780 --> 00:01:41,819 Rob goes … 17 00:01:48,537 --> 00:01:50,017 Ben goes … 18 00:01:56,615 --> 00:01:58,135 And Alan goes … 19 00:02:12,690 --> 00:02:14,730 Thank you. 20 00:02:14,730 --> 00:02:17,689 Great. So, the future begins …now! 21 00:02:17,689 --> 00:02:19,008 Alan, what are you doing? 22 00:02:20,208 --> 00:02:21,768 - Nothing. Wha …? - Oh! 23 00:02:28,246 --> 00:02:31,085 There is no such thing as nothing, 24 00:02:31,085 --> 00:02:35,004 on any level has there ever been discovered to be such a thing as nothing. 25 00:02:35,004 --> 00:02:37,203 - Sitting, holding my pen. - So many things. 26 00:02:37,203 --> 00:02:39,882 Exactly. It's impossible to do and think nothing. 27 00:02:39,882 --> 00:02:42,841 There is no such thing as nothing. 28 00:02:42,841 --> 00:02:47,040 Exactly. In fact, physics tells us, actually, that there's no such thing as nothing, as well. 29 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:48,520 Does it? In what way? 30 00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:51,919 Because elementary particles become created and annihilated in the vacuum, 31 00:02:51,919 --> 00:02:55,118 so nothingness is really a swarm of elementary particles. 32 00:02:55,118 --> 00:02:58,957 But also, there's considered to be a field permeating the whole of space 33 00:02:58,957 --> 00:03:04,115 called the Higgs field, which gives elementary particles mass. 34 00:03:04,115 --> 00:03:06,115 - And this is the thing … - Ah, yes … 35 00:03:06,115 --> 00:03:09,114 - And it's … - I like this. 36 00:03:09,114 --> 00:03:10,993 - And the Higgs field … - Heard it! 37 00:03:13,672 --> 00:03:16,032 For the Higgs field to exist, we need a Higgs boson. 38 00:03:16,032 --> 00:03:20,990 And we've built a huge hadron collider, colliding huge beams of protons together, 39 00:03:20,990 --> 00:03:26,309 at CERN, in Switzerland, to detect the Higgs boson. 40 00:03:26,309 --> 00:03:29,148 You are the best supply teacher we have ever had. 41 00:03:30,387 --> 00:03:31,867 That is fabulous. 42 00:03:35,106 --> 00:03:38,545 Even if you don't believe in the Higgs Field, gravity operates in a vacuum, does it not? 43 00:03:38,545 --> 00:03:41,104 This is a really interesting thing. 44 00:03:42,664 --> 00:03:44,143 There are four … 45 00:03:47,422 --> 00:03:49,062 We are interested! 46 00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:51,821 No, this is … No, don't worry, Ben. This is me looking interested. 47 00:03:52,861 --> 00:03:56,060 This is actually really, really interesting. There are … 48 00:03:58,019 --> 00:04:02,178 - There are four known forces in the universe. - Right, gravity … 49 00:04:02,178 --> 00:04:05,137 Gravity, electromagnetism, the nuclear strong force, 50 00:04:05,137 --> 00:04:07,176 which holds nuclei together, 51 00:04:07,176 --> 00:04:10,256 and the nuclear weak force, which causes radioactivity. 52 00:04:10,256 --> 00:04:14,054 Now, the nuclear weak force, the nuclear strong force, 53 00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:18,973 - and electromagnetism are all of a similar strength … - Right. 54 00:04:18,973 --> 00:04:21,172 But gravity is incredibly weak. 55 00:04:21,172 --> 00:04:25,851 And you can see that by, a fridge magnet can hold a pin using electromagnetism, 56 00:04:25,851 --> 00:04:28,810 and defeat the whole force of the earth pulling down on it. 57 00:04:28,810 --> 00:04:33,289 And one of the things they think is that our three, four dimensions, if you like, 58 00:04:33,289 --> 00:04:38,567 are actually part of a much bigger space. 59 00:04:38,567 --> 00:04:41,686 And gravity permeates all these other dimensions, 60 00:04:41,686 --> 00:04:46,325 they think ten in total, which means that it becomes weakened 61 00:04:46,325 --> 00:04:49,204 by a corresponding amount. 62 00:04:50,164 --> 00:04:54,323 - You disagree? - I'm sorry, but I have to depart from that theory! 63 00:04:56,082 --> 00:05:00,681 - There's one theory, though, is there not, - There, because there's an elementary mistake … 64 00:05:00,681 --> 00:05:04,040 that all matter has its corresponding antimatter. 65 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:08,198 And I can't help but look at you, Ben, and you, Rob, and see … 66 00:05:10,198 --> 00:05:12,197 Am I alone? 67 00:05:14,117 --> 00:05:15,476 Isn't that weird? 68 00:05:17,316 --> 00:05:20,715 Never been seen in the same room before. 69 00:05:20,715 --> 00:05:24,034 Ah, now you're so close, won't some awful thing happen? 70 00:05:24,034 --> 00:05:25,673 What it is; we can't actually touch. 71 00:05:25,673 --> 00:05:26,753 Let's … Let's just check … 72 00:05:26,753 --> 00:05:27,993 - Whoa! - Whoa! 73 00:05:29,192 --> 00:05:30,592 - Whoa! - Whoa! 74 00:05:31,752 --> 00:05:35,990 It is phenomenal. I mean, there are a lot of horse-faced people in the world … 75 00:05:36,990 --> 00:05:40,509 Sorry! No. But it is remarkable. 76 00:05:40,509 --> 00:05:43,148 - No. Neigh, indeed! - What would happen if they put you two, 77 00:05:43,148 --> 00:05:46,547 they put you two, in the Hadron Collider 78 00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:50,146 and send you underneath the ground in Switzerland and impact you? 79 00:05:50,146 --> 00:05:52,345 - That would be brilliant. - Would be the finest comedian in the world. 80 00:05:52,345 --> 00:05:54,145 Black hole would result. 81 00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:57,144 They're gonna make a black hole, aren't they? And actually suck Switzerland into the ground, 82 00:05:57,144 --> 00:05:58,504 leaving nothing but chocolate. 83 00:05:58,504 --> 00:06:01,943 Well, I thank you for that. It's an honour and a pleasure, 84 00:06:01,943 --> 00:06:04,182 if I may say, Ben Miller, to have someone 85 00:06:04,182 --> 00:06:06,421 who knows what they're talking about on this programme. 86 00:06:06,421 --> 00:06:11,180 We're very pleased for the heads-up on what's going on in particle physics. 87 00:06:11,180 --> 00:06:14,299 You know what's so good about it, is that there'll be a fair number of viewers watching now, thinking, 88 00:06:14,299 --> 00:06:17,218 "That Rob Brydon knows a lot about science!" 89 00:06:20,017 --> 00:06:22,816 - It's a win-win. - It's true! It's true! 90 00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:25,896 Anyway, there is no such thing as nothing, arguably, anyway. 91 00:06:25,896 --> 00:06:28,135 On the other hand, if you want to disagree, 92 00:06:28,135 --> 00:06:30,694 there's nothing to stop you! 93 00:06:30,694 --> 00:06:31,694 And now … 94 00:06:33,133 --> 00:06:35,133 Our QI time capsule. 95 00:06:35,133 --> 00:06:38,432 When do you think the first time capsules where? Who … Who came up with the first time capsules? 96 00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:39,432 - Blue Peter. - 30's … 97 00:06:39,432 --> 00:06:40,431 "Blue Peter"? 98 00:06:40,431 --> 00:06:42,131 - 30's is not far off. - 1930's? 99 00:06:42,131 --> 00:06:46,130 Guinness Book of Records says 1940, the University in Atlanta … 100 00:06:46,130 --> 00:06:50,128 Those where the first recorded ones, but … The … The first ones that where done … 101 00:06:50,128 --> 00:06:51,128 - Was in Pittsburgh … - Technically, Jesus. 102 00:06:51,128 --> 00:06:52,128 …in '37. 103 00:06:53,127 --> 00:06:55,127 Seriously, in Lockes Field in Pittsburgh … 104 00:06:55,127 --> 00:06:59,126 - Come on, yeah? Go on. And …? - Well it was done by Lockes Field in Pittsburgh … 105 00:06:59,126 --> 00:07:00,125 - Yeah? - By two scientists. 106 00:07:00,125 --> 00:07:01,125 Right … 107 00:07:01,125 --> 00:07:05,124 You, and … Come on here! You never believe a word I say! 108 00:07:05,124 --> 00:07:07,123 - I do! There's some point … - There's the point in the research … 109 00:07:07,123 --> 00:07:09,123 …that I do for this show! 110 00:07:09,123 --> 00:07:13,122 All right, I'll believe you. However … The Guinness Book of World Records … 111 00:07:13,122 --> 00:07:15,121 Yes, I saw that out of the corner of my eye! 112 00:07:15,121 --> 00:07:19,120 The Guinness Book of World Records give it to the crypt of civilization located in the basement 113 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:24,118 of Phoebe Hearst Hall. There it is, behind you. You can see … That is the … 114 00:07:24,118 --> 00:07:30,117 It's more than a time capsule, it's a huge room. Destined to be opened in the year 8113. 115 00:07:31,116 --> 00:07:32,116 It's very specific. 116 00:07:32,116 --> 00:07:34,115 And it contains all kinds of things. 117 00:07:34,115 --> 00:07:37,114 Including the Bible, the Qur'an, the Iliad … 118 00:07:37,114 --> 00:07:39,114 Why 8113, then? What's that …? 119 00:07:39,114 --> 00:07:43,113 Ah, if you could guess why 8113, I would be staggeringly impressed, 120 00:07:43,113 --> 00:07:46,112 - and you will get TWO fanfares. - Is it some reversal of numbers? 121 00:07:46,112 --> 00:07:49,111 - Or is it somebody's birthday backwards, or something? - It's not that, no. 122 00:07:49,111 --> 00:07:51,110 - Somebody's birthday? - At the time … 123 00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:59,108 In 8113, I will be … 124 00:08:00,108 --> 00:08:02,107 I can't even work that out! 125 00:08:03,107 --> 00:08:09,105 At the time, they believed that human history began in the year 4241 B.C. 126 00:08:09,105 --> 00:08:13,104 Began, in the sense that that was the beginning of the Egyptian … The first Egyptian calendar. 127 00:08:13,104 --> 00:08:19,102 And therefor … If they took themselves as that midpoint and put the same amount of time after the … 128 00:08:19,102 --> 00:08:22,101 The time capsule, it would go out to 8113. 129 00:08:22,101 --> 00:08:23,101 - So when they opened it, - That's fantastic! 130 00:08:23,101 --> 00:08:26,100 they would be looking at the midpoint in human history. 131 00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:28,099 - That's wonderful. - Which is rather splendid. 132 00:08:28,099 --> 00:08:31,099 And they also included all kinds of things. They didn't know whether electricity would still be around, 133 00:08:31,099 --> 00:08:37,097 obviously in 8113, so there's a windmill to drive all the various speech and electric machines and projectors. 134 00:08:37,097 --> 00:08:40,096 They should have put a bucket of water over the door … 135 00:08:44,095 --> 00:08:46,094 That would have been so sweet. 136 00:08:46,094 --> 00:08:49,093 And there should have been nothing in it, except one of these big ball pits that you roll around in. 137 00:08:51,093 --> 00:08:54,092 I imagine the people who find it, just open the door and go … 138 00:08:54,092 --> 00:08:58,091 And just take it to whatever the 8113 equivalent to a carboot sale is. 139 00:08:59,090 --> 00:09:02,089 - Just flog the lot. - Yeah, it'll be worth a fortune, wouldn't it? 140 00:09:02,089 --> 00:09:05,089 You know what I like doing? The … The … The sort of … The more mundane aspect 141 00:09:05,089 --> 00:09:11,087 that we all have access to, is when you strip wallpaper of a room in your house. 142 00:09:11,087 --> 00:09:12,086 - Yes? - And you get down … 143 00:09:12,086 --> 00:09:15,086 You get a few layers of it, don't you? You find an glyph, and all these different … 144 00:09:15,086 --> 00:09:17,085 - There's a flock thing … - Ancient Rome … 145 00:09:18,085 --> 00:09:20,084 - I've always stopped for that. - Cave … Cave paintings. 146 00:09:20,084 --> 00:09:24,083 Eventually … Eventually, you get through to something that the … 147 00:09:24,083 --> 00:09:26,082 - The previous owners of the house … - Amoebas, just a pressed amoeba. 148 00:09:26,082 --> 00:09:31,081 …have written there. They've written, you know, "John and Susan 1973", or something like that. 149 00:09:31,081 --> 00:09:32,081 - That's all … - That's very nice. 150 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:37,079 It's sort of a … It's … It's … It's a realistic version of archaeology. 151 00:09:37,079 --> 00:09:40,078 It's … It's a … It's a version of archaeology that's within all our grasp. 152 00:09:40,078 --> 00:09:45,077 You can all try it at home; just go up to the wallpaper, start … Steam! I recommend you steam. 153 00:09:45,077 --> 00:09:47,076 - Would you? - Don't go in with a scraper, you'll be there all day. 154 00:09:47,076 --> 00:09:51,075 It's just lovely, because you get a sense … The history of your house. 155 00:09:52,075 --> 00:09:56,073 Well usually, those things are drawn by decorators, and it would be like, "Dave's a wanker". 156 00:10:00,072 --> 00:10:02,072 - It might. - "I hate Arsenal." 157 00:10:02,072 --> 00:10:07,070 Beer. In the steps in houses that have steps or stoops it's very common to have a barrel of beer 158 00:10:07,070 --> 00:10:09,070 in the cement under there. Apparently. 159 00:10:09,070 --> 00:10:11,069 We found one … In our house, the family that lived there before, 160 00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:15,068 had recorded the height of all the inhabitants, and you see it growing, 161 00:10:15,068 --> 00:10:17,067 so I've started doing that with my kids now, and with me. 162 00:10:18,067 --> 00:10:20,066 Why don't you put yourself really high? 163 00:10:20,066 --> 00:10:22,066 I give myself an extra inch, yes. 164 00:10:23,065 --> 00:10:26,065 My house was repossessed, so I actually had to scratch marks for the children 165 00:10:26,065 --> 00:10:28,064 as I was dragged down the room. 166 00:10:32,063 --> 00:10:34,062 - Very good. - That sort of lovely moment we … 167 00:10:35,062 --> 00:10:37,061 We kept it, we decorated around it. 168 00:10:38,061 --> 00:10:41,060 At our house, we just put, "Ben Miller lived here". 169 00:10:43,060 --> 00:10:48,058 There are, apparently, 10,000 time capsules worldwide, and most of them have been lost, is to where they are. 170 00:10:48,058 --> 00:10:51,057 So there is now the International Time Capsule Society, 171 00:10:51,057 --> 00:10:53,057 - and if you have a time capsule, - The Blue Peter one was ruined. 172 00:10:53,057 --> 00:10:57,055 they urge you to be in touch; they have a web site. So that they can register where yours is. 173 00:10:57,055 --> 00:10:59,055 And, of course, we've taken them into space. 174 00:10:59,055 --> 00:11:01,054 - Mariner, was it? Or Voyager? - Yes. 175 00:11:01,054 --> 00:11:07,053 Which has got a gold slab with a picture of a man etched into it and binary information about the … 176 00:11:07,053 --> 00:11:09,052 - Was it designed by Carl Sagan? - Carl Sagan, yeah. 177 00:11:09,052 --> 00:11:13,051 Who said that rather wonderful thing when they suggested having, also music. 178 00:11:13,051 --> 00:11:16,050 And someone said, "What about Bach?" And he said, "No, that would just be showing off." 179 00:11:17,050 --> 00:11:19,049 You think there's anyone out there? I don't. 180 00:11:19,049 --> 00:11:21,048 - Don't you? - Not really, no. 181 00:11:21,048 --> 00:11:23,048 Well, according to the equivalence principle, there HAVE to be aliens out there. 182 00:11:23,048 --> 00:11:25,047 - There have to be? - Yeah. There absolutely have to be. 183 00:11:25,047 --> 00:11:26,047 Yeah, but I … 184 00:11:26,047 --> 00:11:29,046 - I doubt the equivalence principle, in all honesty. - It's a principle … 185 00:11:29,046 --> 00:11:32,045 And have done for a long time. 186 00:11:32,045 --> 00:11:35,044 You show me some hard proof about the equivalence principle. 187 00:11:35,044 --> 00:11:37,044 - Well the hard proof is that we are here! - It can't, it's fanciful. 188 00:11:37,044 --> 00:11:40,043 I thought it's all too fanciful idea that there wouldn't be. 189 00:11:40,043 --> 00:11:42,042 And arrogant and peculiar, and the universe … 190 00:11:42,042 --> 00:11:44,042 - That is almost the opposite view to mine, isn't it? - There's science … 191 00:11:44,042 --> 00:11:47,041 - It is, yeah. - Yeah, it is. 192 00:11:47,041 --> 00:11:51,040 The whole of modern astronomy is based on the principle that we're NOT in a unique position 193 00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:53,039 - in the universe. - Astronomy or astrology? 194 00:11:53,039 --> 00:11:54,039 Oh, stop it! 195 00:11:54,039 --> 00:11:57,038 - No, astronomy … - That you would even say the word "astrology" in … 196 00:11:57,038 --> 00:12:00,037 Astrology is of course, star signs. I mean, that's … Rubbish, isn't it? 197 00:12:00,037 --> 00:12:02,036 - Thank you, yes. That's right. - Yes, but I'm not saying that … 198 00:12:02,036 --> 00:12:05,035 - That you even begin to thing about it. - I'm not backing up! I'm, I'm … 199 00:12:05,035 --> 00:12:08,035 - I'm debunking it. - But, in fact, if you're watching QI now, 200 00:12:08,035 --> 00:12:11,034 and you believe in astrology, you are banned from watching this show … 201 00:12:11,034 --> 00:12:14,033 You're not allowed, you must turn over NOW! Thank you. 202 00:12:18,331 --> 00:12:19,031 Now … 203 00:12:19,031 --> 00:12:25,029 You may not know that, amazingly, nothing in the laws of physics forbids time travel. 204 00:12:25,029 --> 00:12:29,028 But if this is the case, where are all the time travellers? 205 00:12:29,028 --> 00:12:31,028 She could do so much better than him. 206 00:12:33,027 --> 00:12:36,026 He looks absolutely shocked to be with her, doesn't he? I mean … 207 00:12:36,026 --> 00:12:38,026 "I can't believe my luck!" 208 00:12:39,025 --> 00:12:41,025 There's a thing known as the Grandfather Paradox, isn't there? 209 00:12:41,025 --> 00:12:46,023 That if you could travel in time, could you go back and shoot your own grandfather? 210 00:12:46,023 --> 00:12:48,023 Obviously, you couldn't, cos the person killing your grandfather, 211 00:12:48,023 --> 00:12:50,022 once your grandfather is dead, you could never have existed 212 00:12:50,022 --> 00:12:53,021 and if you haven't existed, you can't have killed your grandfather. 213 00:12:53,021 --> 00:12:56,020 Point related nicely to the business about "Where are all the aliens?". 214 00:12:56,020 --> 00:12:59,019 Cos the … The question "Where are all the aliens?" is essentially … 215 00:12:59,019 --> 00:13:03,018 Is known, in fact, as the Fermi paradox, and … 216 00:13:04,018 --> 00:13:05,018 - Enrico Fermi … - Yes? 217 00:13:09,017 --> 00:13:12,016 - I will spare you the details! - Yeah. 218 00:13:13,015 --> 00:13:17,014 Erm, Hawking mirrored his quote, Hawking mirrored his quote … 219 00:13:17,014 --> 00:13:21,013 When you say there's nothing in physics that prevents time travel, 220 00:13:21,013 --> 00:13:23,012 that's not actually strictly true, because there are plenty of physical laws 221 00:13:23,012 --> 00:13:26,011 that are non-reversible, such as the second law of thermodynamics. 222 00:13:26,011 --> 00:13:28,011 Really, that you're saying; swings and roundabouts. 223 00:13:36,009 --> 00:13:38,008 - Swings and roundabouts … - That is the quite interesting point … 224 00:13:39,008 --> 00:13:46,006 If you had a picture of a glass and then; a smashed glass, you could never put the picture 225 00:13:46,006 --> 00:13:49,005 of the smashed glass as earlier in time than the picture of the glass. 226 00:13:50,004 --> 00:13:55,003 So, the question is; are we human beings only capable of living in a universe 227 00:13:55,003 --> 00:13:59,002 in which we experience time in a thermodynamic sequence, in a linear thermodynamic sequence? 228 00:14:00,001 --> 00:14:02,001 Or, is time actually reversible? 229 00:14:02,001 --> 00:14:05,000 - Is it multiple choice? - Then there's the … There's the girdle … 230 00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:07,999 'Cause I think, if there's a multiple choice, I'd have a stab at it. 231 00:14:09,999 --> 00:14:11,998 - If you warp space enough? - If you warp space, that's the idea, yeah … 232 00:14:11,998 --> 00:14:14,997 - Time could fold back on itself. - Yeah, wormholes. 233 00:14:14,997 --> 00:14:19,996 Then wormholes, but there's also the simple fact that if you'd travel near the speed of light, 234 00:14:19,996 --> 00:14:23,994 towards a planet, and it might take you, say; a minute to get to that planet … 235 00:14:23,994 --> 00:14:25,994 - To which … - On Earth; four years would pass, 236 00:14:25,994 --> 00:14:28,993 - while, in your space ship; only a minute passes. - That's exactly right! 237 00:14:28,993 --> 00:14:32,992 What Stephen is saying is that time travel IS possible; time travel to the future, is possible. 238 00:14:32,992 --> 00:14:34,991 Because, the closer you get to the speed of light, 239 00:14:34,991 --> 00:14:37,990 - the faster the universe … - We're all travelling to the future, aren't we? 240 00:14:37,990 --> 00:14:38,990 Just very slowly. 241 00:14:40,989 --> 00:14:43,988 That's not the problem. It's more going back, that's the issue, I think. 242 00:14:43,988 --> 00:14:48,987 But there is a belief, also, that the very thing you where talking about: The Large Hadron Collider, 243 00:14:48,987 --> 00:14:52,986 might initiate the world of time travel, because there are some people who think 244 00:14:52,986 --> 00:14:56,985 time travel MAY be possible in the future, but, like telephones; you can't have one telephone, 245 00:14:56,985 --> 00:15:00,983 it's useless, you have to have someone else with a telephone; and that the … 246 00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:06,982 In the future … If they have any access to time travel, they need first something on Earth to have been built, 247 00:15:06,982 --> 00:15:09,981 - like a large hadron collider. - One of those … 248 00:15:09,981 --> 00:15:15,979 Which might well cause wormholes to exist, that would allow people in the future to connect with it. 249 00:15:15,979 --> 00:15:16,979 I was there two weeks ago! 250 00:15:16,979 --> 00:15:18,978 - Where you really? - Yeah. Really exciting. 251 00:15:18,978 --> 00:15:21,977 That was one helluva anniversary for you and Mrs. Miller, wasn't it? 252 00:15:24,976 --> 00:15:30,975 My objection to all this physics, this … This level of physics, is that you can't explain it to … 253 00:15:30,975 --> 00:15:31,974 Let's call us … 254 00:15:32,974 --> 00:15:36,973 Not … just ordinary people. You could, actually, just be making it up. 255 00:15:36,973 --> 00:15:38,972 Until it makes machines work, that's the point. 256 00:15:38,972 --> 00:15:42,971 When Faraday talked about electricity and magnetism, it didn't make any sense, 257 00:15:42,971 --> 00:15:46,970 but then somebody makes a solenoid, somebody makes an electricity generator, 258 00:15:46,970 --> 00:15:48,969 suddenly you've got lights, you've got television, 259 00:15:48,969 --> 00:15:51,968 people can talk about quantum P states and N states, and they can talk about this. 260 00:15:51,968 --> 00:15:53,968 And suddenly you've got a computer to go, 261 00:15:53,968 --> 00:15:56,967 - "Ahem, I think you'll find …!" - I was the same with the leaf blower. 262 00:16:00,966 --> 00:16:03,965 Someone said to me, "One day you won't have to rake up the leaves." 263 00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:07,964 I said, "You are living in cloud cuckoo land, mate." 264 00:16:09,963 --> 00:16:12,962 Can you? Like, I don't understand electricity. Even the most … 265 00:16:12,962 --> 00:16:16,961 I don't understand telephones. If you could explain to me, the theory of the telephone, 266 00:16:16,961 --> 00:16:19,960 I would still have … I've had the same expression at the start, that I had at the end. 267 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:25,958 Could somebody … A simple analogy. I mean, it's been around since I was a kid. That how your voice … 268 00:16:26,958 --> 00:16:28,957 - Can be heard miles away? - Ben! Help us out. 269 00:16:28,957 --> 00:16:32,956 You need … You need something called a "transducer". You need something, that's capable 270 00:16:32,956 --> 00:16:34,956 - of changing one energy form into another … - See, I'm gone, lost my train. 271 00:16:35,955 --> 00:16:40,954 Via something like a piezoelectric crystal, which is a crystal, which if you compress it; 272 00:16:40,954 --> 00:16:42,953 it creates an electric charge, and you can … 273 00:16:42,953 --> 00:16:48,952 Say, if an electric circuit; you have a piezoelectric crystal in the mouthpiece of the telephone … 274 00:16:49,951 --> 00:16:53,950 You, um … You speak into it; it vibrates; it converts that into electrical currents … 275 00:16:53,950 --> 00:16:55,950 - No! - Those currents are then converted into a signal 276 00:16:55,950 --> 00:16:59,948 by an amplifier; passed along the telephone wire to the other end, where it's converted back 277 00:16:59,948 --> 00:17:04,947 through a transducer, from an electrical signal into movement of the piezoelectric crystal, 278 00:17:04,947 --> 00:17:07,946 - which moves the air; which moves the … - It's like a palindrome. 279 00:17:07,946 --> 00:17:10,945 - …which hits the ear which hears your voice. - Thank you. Very good. 280 00:17:10,945 --> 00:17:11,945 It's like a palindrome. 281 00:17:13,944 --> 00:17:17,943 So, it's like a palindrome, in the sense that it starts off one thing; it has to transform 282 00:17:17,943 --> 00:17:19,942 - and then come back to what it was? - Exactly! Yeah. 283 00:17:19,942 --> 00:17:23,941 I think that people find it hard to tell us apart. I think we've hit upon a good way now, haven't we? 284 00:17:30,939 --> 00:17:35,938 The future, of course, is obvious with hindsight, but now it's time to poke predicable fun 285 00:17:35,938 --> 00:17:41,936 at people who are foolhardy enough to make forecasts and have the misfortune to get them hopelessly wrong. 286 00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:43,935 So, fingers on buzzers, please. 287 00:17:43,935 --> 00:17:50,933 In 1955, Variety Magazine predicted that what would be, I quote, "gone before June"? 288 00:17:51,933 --> 00:17:52,933 Yes? 289 00:17:52,933 --> 00:17:53,932 - Rob. - May. 290 00:18:03,929 --> 00:18:05,929 I said they predicted it wrongly. 291 00:18:08,928 --> 00:18:09,928 You made me look a fool. 292 00:18:10,927 --> 00:18:11,927 No, you did that! 293 00:18:12,927 --> 00:18:15,926 - Television. - Television is not … But you're much … 294 00:18:15,926 --> 00:18:18,925 - Cinema. - It's an "F" show; Frisps. 295 00:18:19,925 --> 00:18:21,924 - I'll tell you what it was … - Remember them? 296 00:18:21,924 --> 00:18:23,924 - I'll tell you what it was … - Yeah, then … 297 00:18:23,924 --> 00:18:25,923 If it was '55, it was Elvis Presley. 298 00:18:25,923 --> 00:18:27,922 - Wider. Wider, more … - Rock and roll! 299 00:18:27,922 --> 00:18:29,922 "Rock and roll" is the right answer. Yes, they did say that. 300 00:18:29,922 --> 00:18:31,921 Don't look so stupid now, do I? 301 00:18:32,921 --> 00:18:37,919 Not quite so stupid, rather … You … You don't. But all things are relative. 302 00:18:37,919 --> 00:18:40,919 Um, yeah, it was rock and roll. 303 00:18:40,919 --> 00:18:49,916 Now in 1977, Ken Olsen said, "There is no reason for any individual to have a 'what' in their home"? 304 00:18:49,916 --> 00:18:50,916 Butler! 305 00:18:51,915 --> 00:18:52,915 No. 306 00:18:52,915 --> 00:18:55,914 - Jap moded … - Japanese prisoner of war. 307 00:18:56,914 --> 00:18:59,913 - Again; wonderful tribe. No. - No need for it. 308 00:18:59,913 --> 00:19:04,911 He, if I may say, was the chairman of D-E-C. DEC. The Digital Equipment Company. 309 00:19:04,911 --> 00:19:07,911 - Computer! - "A computer", he said, exactly! 310 00:19:07,911 --> 00:19:09,910 - He was wrong, wasn't he? - He was very wrong, yes. 311 00:19:09,910 --> 00:19:12,909 - I know quite a few people who've got one. - Yes! Yes. 312 00:19:12,909 --> 00:19:17,908 They are, these days. They're very much the coming thing, I believe, aren't they? Absolutely. 313 00:19:17,908 --> 00:19:19,907 Some of these "whiz kids", they … 314 00:19:20,907 --> 00:19:26,905 In 1955, what nuclear powered device did Alex Lewitt predict, would be a reality within ten years? 315 00:19:26,905 --> 00:19:27,905 TV remote. 316 00:19:28,904 --> 00:19:31,903 - No, but as … As daft, really. - Hover boots. 317 00:19:32,903 --> 00:19:34,903 - Nuclear powered hover boots? I like the sound … - Yeah! That is the invention, 318 00:19:34,903 --> 00:19:38,901 that everybody always says, "Will there be …" My … My son, he said to me, 319 00:19:38,901 --> 00:19:40,901 "Dad, will there be hover boots when I'm grown up?" 320 00:19:40,901 --> 00:19:45,899 Like, that is the height of scientific and technological advancement, and Ben knows, 321 00:19:45,899 --> 00:19:47,899 he's gonna talk for a little while about … 322 00:19:50,898 --> 00:19:52,897 - The possibility of … - How possible it is … 323 00:19:54,897 --> 00:19:56,896 - Hover gloves, that might. - It's not hover gloves … 324 00:19:57,896 --> 00:19:58,895 Now, that's brilliant! 325 00:19:59,895 --> 00:20:02,894 Surely, you could do your own hovering, you're doing it, in fact. 326 00:20:03,894 --> 00:20:06,893 It's not a hover thing, but it is a domestic appliance, that he thought … 327 00:20:06,893 --> 00:20:08,893 - Electric toothbrush! - …would be nuclear powered. 328 00:20:08,893 --> 00:20:09,892 Not an electric toothbrush. 329 00:20:09,892 --> 00:20:10,892 - Fridge. - Hoover! 330 00:20:10,892 --> 00:20:13,891 - "Hoover", yes. An electric nu … Vacuum cleaner - Vacuum cleaner, yes. 331 00:20:13,891 --> 00:20:16,890 - Nuclear vacuum cleaner? - He honestly thought, in 1955, 332 00:20:16,890 --> 00:20:18,890 that within ten years, there'd be nuclear powered ones. 333 00:20:18,890 --> 00:20:22,888 They had vacuum cleaners in America in the 19th century, and they where huge, 334 00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:24,888 and they had to go on the back of a cart drawn by horses. 335 00:20:24,888 --> 00:20:27,887 I remember seeing that on a programme called "QI". Yeah. 336 00:20:28,887 --> 00:20:29,886 Yeah. Well done. 337 00:20:32,885 --> 00:20:33,885 But, well remembered! 338 00:20:40,883 --> 00:20:41,883 It goes in somewhere. 339 00:20:42,883 --> 00:20:43,882 It did! And it does, yeah! 340 00:20:44,882 --> 00:20:47,881 Well, the nuclear powered domestic vacuum cleaner. But not everybody gets it wrong; 341 00:20:47,881 --> 00:20:52,880 a few remarkable people, shaped the future by being the very first in their field, 342 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:58,878 men like Saint Ambrose, the fourth century bishop of Milan. What did Saint Augustine of Hippo, 343 00:20:58,878 --> 00:21:04,876 catch Saint Ambrose doing, that had never been done before in public, but which nearly all of us … 344 00:21:05,876 --> 00:21:07,875 Nearly all of us now can do in public? 345 00:21:07,875 --> 00:21:08,875 Yes? 346 00:21:08,875 --> 00:21:11,874 Was he using his mobile in a crowded compartment? 347 00:21:12,874 --> 00:21:13,873 - Because we all do it, let's be honest. - We do. 348 00:21:13,873 --> 00:21:17,872 Even when we see that little sign saying, "This is a mobile friendly …" or "mobile free …" 349 00:21:17,872 --> 00:21:19,872 'Cause, you still kind of think it doesn't apply to you. 350 00:21:20,871 --> 00:21:22,871 I don't, actually, yeah. 351 00:21:22,871 --> 00:21:23,870 - I don't! - No. 352 00:21:23,870 --> 00:21:24,870 I think it's just you, Rob. 353 00:21:25,870 --> 00:21:28,869 For, when I do; people think it's you! 354 00:21:29,869 --> 00:21:33,867 Anyway. No, it isn't that. It was like a party trick thingie he could do. 355 00:21:33,867 --> 00:21:36,867 It seemed it, but we can all do it. And it seems natural to us. 356 00:21:36,867 --> 00:21:38,866 But, it was just not done. 357 00:21:39,866 --> 00:21:41,865 And, it involved … Reading. 358 00:21:41,865 --> 00:21:42,865 Did his lips move? 359 00:21:42,865 --> 00:21:45,864 - Reading … - His lips did not move. Is the point. 360 00:21:46,864 --> 00:21:50,862 He was the first person, it seems, in certain post classical times, 361 00:21:50,862 --> 00:21:52,862 who could read without moving his lips. 362 00:21:55,861 --> 00:21:59,860 It's very odd. It seems so natural to us. But, as children do, when they first read, 363 00:21:59,860 --> 00:22:03,859 they read out loud, and then, their lips moved. And, then they'd never stop. 364 00:22:03,859 --> 00:22:04,858 - Presumably, if you could read, - And this man, Saint Ambrose … 365 00:22:04,858 --> 00:22:06,858 then you, sort of, wanted to show of a bit about the fact that you could. 366 00:22:06,858 --> 00:22:09,857 I think, there's an element of that. Whereas he did the opposite. 367 00:22:09,857 --> 00:22:12,856 And this is what Saint Augustine wrote in his confessions: 368 00:22:12,856 --> 00:22:16,855 "When Ambrose read, his eyes scanned the page, and his heart sought out the meaning, 369 00:22:16,855 --> 00:22:20,854 but his voice was silent. And his tongue was still. Anyone could approach him freely, 370 00:22:20,854 --> 00:22:23,853 and guests where not commonly announced, so that often, when we came to visit him, 371 00:22:23,853 --> 00:22:27,852 we found him reading like this, in silence. For he never read aloud." 372 00:22:27,852 --> 00:22:31,850 And he was obviously astonished by this. It was considered a remarkable trick. 373 00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:34,849 I … I sort of think of myself as a man of limited talents, 374 00:22:34,849 --> 00:22:38,848 and I just wish that I'd been around then. 375 00:22:38,848 --> 00:22:40,848 I would have blown them away! 376 00:22:41,847 --> 00:22:43,847 I can read whole books like this! 377 00:22:48,845 --> 00:22:50,845 But I have to say, they would have been in Latin. 378 00:22:51,844 --> 00:22:53,844 - That's where I would have fallen down. - Yeah. 379 00:22:53,844 --> 00:22:57,843 But you could have, also … You could have given them your Ronnie Corbett impression, which goes … 380 00:22:58,842 --> 00:23:02,841 It's not the one about the chap that reads the book without moving his lips. 381 00:23:03,841 --> 00:23:04,841 Very good! Very good. 382 00:23:09,839 --> 00:23:12,838 They might have burned you as a witch but they would have been impressed. 383 00:23:12,838 --> 00:23:16,837 Anyway, so … Another man that was ahead of his time, was Sir Christopher Wren. 384 00:23:16,837 --> 00:23:19,836 This is one of his buildings behind me, here. 385 00:23:19,836 --> 00:23:24,835 By question is, what are the pillars in the middle of open area for? Those four pillars? 386 00:23:24,835 --> 00:23:26,834 For hoodies to lean on menacingly. 387 00:23:27,834 --> 00:23:30,833 Probably true, it's Windsor. We're in Windsor here. Do you know what they're for? 388 00:23:30,833 --> 00:23:32,832 Hold the roof up? 389 00:23:32,832 --> 00:23:34,832 Oh, no! 390 00:23:36,831 --> 00:23:40,830 No. Oddly enough, he took over the commission from a man called Fitz, who'd been commissioned 391 00:23:40,830 --> 00:23:44,829 to do the building, and there where these four pillars, and he … 392 00:23:44,829 --> 00:23:46,828 - Being a fine … - "Where do these go, guv?" 393 00:23:46,828 --> 00:23:48,828 - "Oh, just put them in the middle …" - Well, him being a … 394 00:23:48,828 --> 00:23:51,827 Christopher Wren; fine mathematician, and an extraordinary architect, 395 00:23:51,827 --> 00:23:53,826 he reasoned, quite correctly, that the pillars where not necessary. 396 00:23:53,826 --> 00:23:57,825 But the bureaucrats, who had said this: "No, no, no, you got to have the pillars!" 397 00:23:57,825 --> 00:24:01,824 So he deliberately had the pillars made too short, actually to touch the ceiling … 398 00:24:01,824 --> 00:24:03,823 - Oh, yes! They're not … - As a way of putting two fingers up to them, 399 00:24:03,823 --> 00:24:06,822 - for them insisting he have them. - I know a building like that … 400 00:24:06,822 --> 00:24:08,822 In fact, they had no supporting role, whatsoever. 401 00:24:08,822 --> 00:24:10,821 We had a building like that in our extension, actually. 402 00:24:12,821 --> 00:24:14,820 - Did it fall down? Or did it … Did it fall down? - Yes! Yes. 403 00:24:14,820 --> 00:24:16,819 - He didn't do it on purpose. - No! No. 404 00:24:17,819 --> 00:24:20,818 Also, it's got failsafe. That if it doesn't work, it just goes … Then it's all right. 405 00:24:20,818 --> 00:24:22,818 Exactly! No one would ever know, but you! 406 00:24:22,818 --> 00:24:26,816 - But in fact, needless today, even today, now … - "What happened?". "Don't worry about it!" 407 00:24:26,816 --> 00:24:28,816 - Actually, they force tiles in there. - Shims. 408 00:24:28,816 --> 00:24:32,815 Because the current jobs worths, also think, "No, no. It's got to have those …" 409 00:24:32,815 --> 00:24:35,814 But, it's in Windsor. It's the corn market, 410 00:24:35,814 --> 00:24:41,812 Now, a common theme of science fiction B-movies set in the future is robot invasions. 411 00:24:41,812 --> 00:24:45,811 But, has Britain ever actually been invaded by robots? 412 00:24:45,811 --> 00:24:47,810 - Yes. - Ooh, I'm guessing they have. 413 00:24:47,810 --> 00:24:50,809 - Yes, they have. And when? - Er, '40s. 414 00:24:50,809 --> 00:24:52,809 - 1880's. - '40s is the right answer. 415 00:24:52,809 --> 00:24:56,808 - 1940's. - I'm afraid the point there goes to young Alan. 416 00:24:56,808 --> 00:24:57,807 - But … - The Germans? 417 00:24:57,807 --> 00:24:59,807 - Was it the Germans? - The Germans. 418 00:24:59,807 --> 00:25:02,806 - Had to be. The doodlebug. - The doodlebug and the buzz bombs. 419 00:25:02,806 --> 00:25:04,805 - The V1 and V2. - "We will zend zie robots!" 420 00:25:04,805 --> 00:25:07,804 And the point is not just that we're saying they are a kind of robots, 421 00:25:07,804 --> 00:25:08,804 they were CALLED robots. 422 00:25:08,804 --> 00:25:11,803 They were called robots more than they were called doodlebugs in the '40s. 423 00:25:11,803 --> 00:25:14,802 In as much as they were publicly called anything, 424 00:25:14,802 --> 00:25:17,801 because they were more or less banned to be discussed, 425 00:25:17,801 --> 00:25:23,800 the British authorities were terrified of letting the Germans know how successful or otherwise 426 00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:25,799 - the V1 and V2 were. - I'll tell you what, when the V2 landed 427 00:25:25,799 --> 00:25:27,798 on Chingford Plain, it was quite widely discussed. 428 00:25:27,798 --> 00:25:30,798 Oh, it would be. But the point is, not in the newspapers. 429 00:25:30,798 --> 00:25:34,796 You ask, has Britain been invaded by robots? 430 00:25:34,796 --> 00:25:37,795 If you wanted to answer that question in a satirical manner … 431 00:25:37,795 --> 00:25:39,795 - Yes? - That took a swipe at modern life in Britain … 432 00:25:39,795 --> 00:25:42,794 - Go on! - You'd say we're in the process of it now, 433 00:25:42,794 --> 00:25:47,792 and those robots are the bloody call centres that we have to put up with. 434 00:25:50,792 --> 00:25:52,791 So my answer is yes, and it's happening now. 435 00:25:52,791 --> 00:25:55,790 - You should … You should be a stand-up comedian. - Or, Rob, on a … On a … 436 00:25:56,790 --> 00:26:03,788 On an equally satirical note, the bloody cameras that take photographs of us everywhere we go … 437 00:26:04,787 --> 00:26:06,787 - And … - More cameras now in this country … 438 00:26:06,787 --> 00:26:08,786 - Send us, electronically … - Pictures of our cars … 439 00:26:08,786 --> 00:26:11,785 - Summons and fines … - More cameras than any other time, 440 00:26:11,785 --> 00:26:16,784 and any country in Europe, and yet we can't catch anybody who kills somebody! 441 00:26:17,784 --> 00:26:20,783 - The Acton Bowling Club! - Why is nobody ever murdered in front of a camera? 442 00:26:20,783 --> 00:26:24,782 A couple of mad old men moaning about the state of Britain today! 443 00:26:28,780 --> 00:26:29,780 I agree with you! 444 00:26:29,780 --> 00:26:33,779 - I like you! I like you. - I like you! 445 00:26:33,779 --> 00:26:36,778 - I listen to you, it's like listening to me! - Yeah! 446 00:26:37,778 --> 00:26:39,777 - I like your attitude. - Yeah, yeah! 447 00:26:39,777 --> 00:26:42,776 They're going to fuse into one horrifying Rob Miller. 448 00:26:43,776 --> 00:26:46,775 If we go like this; this is like a Siamese twin. 449 00:26:48,774 --> 00:26:53,773 We're quite keen to have the operation but obviously we're not sure how we'd get on without each other. 450 00:26:54,773 --> 00:26:56,772 Mmm. All right. Er … 451 00:26:56,772 --> 00:26:57,772 Oh, Christ! 452 00:27:06,769 --> 00:27:08,769 - Whoa! That's what it's like! - Yeah! 453 00:27:09,768 --> 00:27:11,768 I can see the attraction! 454 00:27:11,768 --> 00:27:13,767 - Now I know why my wife married me. - Yeah! 455 00:27:14,767 --> 00:27:16,766 That was good! Goddamn! 456 00:27:19,765 --> 00:27:21,765 Just horrible! 457 00:27:24,764 --> 00:27:25,764 Right, thank you. 458 00:27:27,763 --> 00:27:30,762 You can make up for it by telling me where the word "robot" comes from. 459 00:27:30,762 --> 00:27:33,761 - Where do we get the word robot from? - I can't get that out of my head. 460 00:27:34,761 --> 00:27:36,760 We get the word robotic from the word robot! 461 00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:39,759 Yeah, take the "IC" off robotic, you've got robot. 462 00:27:39,759 --> 00:27:43,758 It comes from the dance, Stephen. It comes from the dance. 463 00:27:43,758 --> 00:27:44,758 This dance. 464 00:27:46,757 --> 00:27:50,756 Is it something you can shout at a machine it's got a chance of understanding? 465 00:27:50,756 --> 00:27:53,755 - Oh? Interesting thought, no. - Like, "You robot!" 466 00:27:54,755 --> 00:27:57,754 Whereas if it was called a quark assimilator fassamisilator, 467 00:27:57,754 --> 00:28:01,753 it might not pick up how angry you are. 468 00:28:01,753 --> 00:28:02,753 It must be an acronym, right? 469 00:28:02,753 --> 00:28:05,752 No, it's not, actually. It's from a perfectly good Slavic word; robota, 470 00:28:05,752 --> 00:28:09,751 meaning a drudge, slave worker, a labourer. 471 00:28:09,751 --> 00:28:10,750 - Ah, like a drone. - Robota. 472 00:28:10,750 --> 00:28:15,749 And it was from a play by a man called Karel Čapek in 1920, called Rossum's Universal Robots. 473 00:28:15,749 --> 00:28:18,748 And that's when it was first used. But now, back to the future. 474 00:28:18,748 --> 00:28:22,747 What will be the language of the future here on earth? 475 00:28:22,747 --> 00:28:25,746 Well, if it carries on the way it is, it'll be the sort of hoodies 476 00:28:25,746 --> 00:28:29,745 that Ben and I are so firmly against. Kind of like talking like this, 477 00:28:29,745 --> 00:28:33,743 everybody is gonna talk like that, and that's gonna be the way of the future. 478 00:28:33,743 --> 00:28:36,743 Like, you know, it don't matter where you come from. You's gonna talk like that … 479 00:28:36,743 --> 00:28:37,742 Which I hate. 480 00:28:40,741 --> 00:28:42,741 - I think you all got that! - Yeah! 481 00:28:43,741 --> 00:28:44,740 Oh, dear. 482 00:28:46,740 --> 00:28:50,738 - Is it gonna be Mandarin or Spanish? - Interesting thought. 483 00:28:50,738 --> 00:28:52,738 - Oh, is it a trick qu …? Is it binary? - Binary. 484 00:28:52,738 --> 00:28:54,737 - Is it binary? - No, it's not, though you have a picture on there. 485 00:28:54,737 --> 00:28:58,736 No, it's generally thought to be English, in fact, but a certain kind of English. 486 00:28:58,736 --> 00:29:02,735 - As many as 80% of the people … - Is this gonna be, it's like, kind of, English? 487 00:29:02,735 --> 00:29:03,735 No! It's like … 488 00:29:05,734 --> 00:29:08,733 - Kind of like English? That sort of like English? - That goes up at the end? 489 00:29:08,733 --> 00:29:11,732 - Cos I hate that. - I hate that too. I hate that too. 490 00:29:11,732 --> 00:29:15,731 There's a proper debate about this. I mean, wh … Cos I am a bit of an old, funny … 491 00:29:15,731 --> 00:29:17,731 "Oh, it shouldn't change!" But, of course; language … 492 00:29:17,731 --> 00:29:18,730 - It must change. - DOES evolve. 493 00:29:18,730 --> 00:29:21,729 Absolutely. I can't bare people being pointy about language. It drives me mad! 494 00:29:21,729 --> 00:29:25,728 People who write in to Radio 4 and moan about whether or not someone said "more", 495 00:29:25,728 --> 00:29:28,727 you know, "fewer" or "less". actually, that's showing off … 496 00:29:28,727 --> 00:29:29,727 - It's a living language … - They just wanted to show, 497 00:29:29,727 --> 00:29:31,726 - they've spotted something … - And deal with it! 498 00:29:31,726 --> 00:29:34,725 How you've told me off for "fewer" or "less"; 499 00:29:34,725 --> 00:29:36,725 - on no fewer or lesser occasions. - Oh, YOU, yeah! Obviously. I … 500 00:29:40,724 --> 00:29:41,723 Heavens above! 501 00:29:41,723 --> 00:29:44,723 No, apparently as many as 80% of people who speak English do not speak English 502 00:29:44,723 --> 00:29:46,722 as their first language. 503 00:29:46,722 --> 00:29:48,721 They're speaking it together with other people, who … 504 00:29:48,721 --> 00:29:50,721 For whom it is their second or third language. 505 00:29:50,721 --> 00:29:54,720 And the one that seems to be growing is a thing called Panglish, they're gonna call it, 506 00:29:54,720 --> 00:29:57,719 i.e., "pan" English, a kind of everyman English. 507 00:29:57,719 --> 00:30:01,718 There's a version at the moment, which is spoken by a lot of people called Singlish, apparently, 508 00:30:01,718 --> 00:30:04,717 which is a mixture of English, Chinese and Malay. 509 00:30:04,717 --> 00:30:08,715 Singaporean equivalent to Franglais. See if you can see what these words mean. 510 00:30:08,715 --> 00:30:14,714 Lay leo. Written as two words, it's actually one. L-A-Y-L-E-O. Lay leo. 511 00:30:14,714 --> 00:30:17,713 - Instructions for Mrs Sayer. - No, it's just radio. 512 00:30:20,712 --> 00:30:25,710 You're not on Clue now! Very good! No, it's radio. "Layleo." 513 00:30:25,710 --> 00:30:28,710 Layleo? That's just bad! 514 00:30:28,710 --> 00:30:32,708 That's a child, "Layleo." "Well done!" 515 00:30:32,708 --> 00:30:35,707 "He's speaking Panglish, you know!" 516 00:30:36,707 --> 00:30:38,707 "No, he hasn't learned to speak!" 517 00:30:39,706 --> 00:30:41,706 - Lolex. - A Rolex watch. 518 00:30:41,706 --> 00:30:43,705 - Yes! Exactly! - Oh, that's rubbish! 519 00:30:44,705 --> 00:30:50,703 Orleng tzu. O-R-L-E-N-G, T-Z-U. 520 00:30:51,703 --> 00:30:52,702 See you soon. 521 00:30:52,702 --> 00:30:56,701 No, actually it's a drink. "I have glass of orleng tzu." Orange juice. 522 00:30:58,701 --> 00:31:03,699 Orleng tzu. If you go to Singapore and say, "orleng tzu", they give you an orange juice. 523 00:31:03,699 --> 00:31:05,699 They really must … They must try harder. 524 00:31:08,698 --> 00:31:12,697 English has evolved. I mean, a Saxon or an Angle would hear us and go, 525 00:31:12,697 --> 00:31:15,696 "What have they done with our language? They must try harder." 526 00:31:15,696 --> 00:31:17,695 Cos we've evolved it into what we call English. 527 00:31:17,695 --> 00:31:21,694 They'll do it into what will be their language, I mean … 528 00:31:21,694 --> 00:31:23,693 That's after they've said, "What are you wearing?" 529 00:31:24,693 --> 00:31:26,692 Do you know what I heard said to me in Singapore? 530 00:31:26,692 --> 00:31:27,692 What? 531 00:31:27,692 --> 00:31:29,692 "You! Lick Ashwrie!" 532 00:31:29,692 --> 00:31:30,691 "Lick arse, please?" 533 00:31:32,691 --> 00:31:34,690 - Wow! - 1988, and I was mistaken, 534 00:31:34,690 --> 00:31:36,689 - for the pop star Rick Astley. - Oh? 535 00:31:38,689 --> 00:31:43,687 - I wanted "Lick arse, please!" … - "You pop star! You Lick Asslie!" 536 00:31:44,687 --> 00:31:46,687 - "You lick arse, please!" - "Sorry? Say, I'm sorry?" 537 00:31:46,687 --> 00:31:48,686 - No, he was asking you to lick his arse. - He was, yeah! 538 00:31:48,686 --> 00:31:51,685 - You where being offered a service. - He thought I was Rick Astley. 539 00:31:51,685 --> 00:31:53,684 - He was an early example of "Rickrolling" - "Never gonna give you up …" 540 00:31:53,684 --> 00:31:54,684 - Hey! - There is … There is … 541 00:31:55,684 --> 00:31:58,683 There is no more mysterious language, of course, then … Then … Than Welsh. 542 00:31:58,683 --> 00:32:02,682 Where, uh … Mini golf, for example, is "golf mini". 543 00:32:03,682 --> 00:32:05,681 - Get away! - True. True. 544 00:32:05,681 --> 00:32:07,680 - "Welsh". - True! 545 00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:08,680 Honestly! 546 00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:11,679 They're are other languages, obviously; invented languages. 547 00:32:11,679 --> 00:32:12,679 Do you know anything about Klingon? 548 00:32:12,679 --> 00:32:15,678 Oh, yeah! That's a proper language now, isn't it? 549 00:32:15,678 --> 00:32:17,677 It seems to be. They have degrees in it, I believe. In Klingon. 550 00:32:17,677 --> 00:32:20,676 It was invented by a man called Marc Okrand, or at least devised. 551 00:32:20,676 --> 00:32:23,676 It's rather difficult to have normal conversations in it. There are words for things 552 00:32:23,676 --> 00:32:28,674 like a transporter ionising unit. Which is a "jol'Voi", which you probably knew … 553 00:32:28,674 --> 00:32:30,674 Wasn't he … Wasn't he a midnight cowboy? 554 00:32:33,673 --> 00:32:35,672 Also, for the bridge of a ship, which is "meH". 555 00:32:35,672 --> 00:32:38,671 But there is no word for a bridge that goes over a river. 556 00:32:38,671 --> 00:32:41,670 But they have translated Hamlet into Klingon. 557 00:32:41,670 --> 00:32:46,669 And, "taH pagh taHbe’", is "To be, or not to be" apparently. 558 00:32:46,669 --> 00:32:49,668 Is there any word for: "What have I done with my life?" 559 00:32:51,667 --> 00:32:52,667 Perhaps, there should be. 560 00:32:52,667 --> 00:32:53,667 "How did it come to this?" 561 00:32:53,667 --> 00:32:55,666 "Trekkie", I think, is the word that … 562 00:32:57,666 --> 00:32:59,665 But there are more sensible ones; Esperanto. 563 00:32:59,665 --> 00:33:02,664 - That was invented, wasn't it? - Is was an entirely invented language. 564 00:33:02,664 --> 00:33:07,663 But, apparently because it's so easy to learn, has only 900 words and has no irregular verbs, 565 00:33:07,663 --> 00:33:11,661 it takes you a year less to learn to speak another language reasonably fluently. 566 00:33:11,661 --> 00:33:13,661 So in that sense it's quite useful. 567 00:33:13,661 --> 00:33:15,660 Here's an example. What am I saying? Saluton. 568 00:33:15,660 --> 00:33:17,660 - Saluton? - Hello. 569 00:33:17,660 --> 00:33:19,659 - Greetings. - Yes. What could be easier than that? 570 00:33:20,659 --> 00:33:23,658 - Cu vi parolas Esperanton? - Quidditch. 571 00:33:25,657 --> 00:33:30,656 Do you speak - Cu vi, do you have Esperanto words? 572 00:33:30,656 --> 00:33:33,655 But this is … Mia kusenveturilo estas plena je angiloj. 573 00:33:34,655 --> 00:33:37,654 My cousin is a meerkat of strange angles. 574 00:33:39,653 --> 00:33:42,652 No, you can work this out. Angiloj? 575 00:33:42,652 --> 00:33:43,652 - No, nothing. - Eel. 576 00:33:43,652 --> 00:33:47,651 - Eel. In most romance languages that's an eel. - Eel, is it? 577 00:33:47,651 --> 00:33:51,650 - Kusenveturilo … Kusen … Kusen? - Jellied eels? 578 00:33:51,650 --> 00:33:53,649 Cushing? Peter Cushing, the Hammer Horrors? 579 00:33:54,649 --> 00:33:56,648 - Cushion vehicle … - Eel cushion? 580 00:33:56,648 --> 00:33:57,648 - Hovercraft. - Estas plena … 581 00:33:57,648 --> 00:33:59,647 Yeah, "My hovercraft is full of eels." 582 00:34:01,647 --> 00:34:02,646 - Seriously? - Yes! 583 00:34:05,646 --> 00:34:08,645 I thought you were a bit cross with me then and you were saying that to move on. 584 00:34:08,645 --> 00:34:10,644 No, that's what it is in Esperanto. 585 00:34:10,644 --> 00:34:12,643 There you are. Anyway, that's enough of that. 586 00:34:12,643 --> 00:34:15,643 The language of the future looks like actually being Panglish, 587 00:34:15,643 --> 00:34:17,642 and we'll only understand it if we're lucky. 588 00:34:17,642 --> 00:34:23,640 Now, it is possible to imagine a future in which there will be no war and no poverty 589 00:34:23,640 --> 00:34:27,639 but I confidently predict there will always be General Ignorance. 590 00:34:27,639 --> 00:34:29,638 So fingers on buzzers, please. 591 00:34:29,638 --> 00:34:35,637 To be serious for a moment. The most urgent issue facing the future of the planet is the environment. 592 00:34:35,637 --> 00:34:40,635 The republic of Guyana, is in South America, as you probably know … 593 00:34:40,635 --> 00:34:45,634 Immediately to the north of Brazil. Between the years 2000 and 2005; 594 00:34:45,634 --> 00:34:49,633 what percentage of the country's rainforest was cut down? 595 00:34:50,032 --> 00:34:50,632 Yes? 596 00:34:51,632 --> 00:34:52,632 400. 597 00:34:55,631 --> 00:34:56,630 It's that bad! 598 00:34:58,630 --> 00:35:00,629 It's that bad it's got. 599 00:35:02,629 --> 00:35:07,627 Like a Mach 4 razor. The first … The first time gets it close … 600 00:35:08,627 --> 00:35:14,625 The second time; closer still. The third time gets rid of any trees at all! 601 00:35:14,625 --> 00:35:17,624 The fourth time; you know you're treeless. 602 00:35:18,624 --> 00:35:22,623 The best a country can get. It's not 400%, I have to say. 603 00:35:23,622 --> 00:35:24,622 - None! - Half? 604 00:35:24,622 --> 00:35:25,622 "None" is the right answer. 605 00:35:25,622 --> 00:35:28,621 They replace every tree they pull down with another tree. 606 00:35:28,621 --> 00:35:32,620 It's a rather happy thought that Guyana has this splendid … 607 00:35:32,620 --> 00:35:33,620 - Don't you think? - That's a photograph taken 608 00:35:33,620 --> 00:35:35,619 at Kew Gardens, in the palm house. 609 00:35:36,619 --> 00:35:40,617 Where was the only South American country to play cricket? 610 00:35:40,617 --> 00:35:42,617 Guyana, 'cause they speak English. 611 00:35:42,617 --> 00:35:45,616 - Yeah. It's a Caribbean country, essentially. - It's an English colony, isn't it? 612 00:35:45,616 --> 00:35:46,616 Absolutely. 613 00:35:46,616 --> 00:35:48,615 - It's next to Suriname, which … - Next to Suriname, which is … 614 00:35:48,615 --> 00:35:49,615 - Dutch Guyana. - Exactly right. 615 00:35:49,615 --> 00:35:52,614 Where they don't play cricket, I suspect. Anyway, there you are. 616 00:35:52,614 --> 00:35:54,613 Now, picture the scene. 617 00:35:54,613 --> 00:35:55,613 I'm out windsurfing, 618 00:35:55,613 --> 00:36:00,612 the breeze is ruffling my tousled, sun-bleached hair, 619 00:36:00,612 --> 00:36:05,610 I look up and I see on the horizon; a ship. How far away is it? 620 00:36:05,610 --> 00:36:06,610 21 miles. 621 00:36:07,609 --> 00:36:09,609 - No. - I thought it was always 21 miles. 622 00:36:09,609 --> 00:36:12,608 - No. - I know, they didn't even get flagged for that. 623 00:36:12,608 --> 00:36:16,607 No, no. I didn't know that anybody always thought that it was 21 miles. 624 00:36:17,607 --> 00:36:19,606 How far away is the horizon? 625 00:36:19,606 --> 00:36:22,605 That's the point. I'll tell Ben Miller the formula for working it out, 626 00:36:22,605 --> 00:36:23,605 and he will tell you very quickly. 627 00:36:23,605 --> 00:36:27,604 It's very straightforward. Let's assume I am 6ft. tall, I'm actually a bit taller. 628 00:36:27,604 --> 00:36:29,603 The distance to the horizon in miles 629 00:36:29,603 --> 00:36:33,602 is approximately the square root of one-and-a-half times your height in feet. 630 00:36:35,601 --> 00:36:37,601 That depends how low your eyes are, though, doesn't it? 631 00:36:38,600 --> 00:36:41,599 - Three miles. - Three miles is the right answer! Well done. 632 00:36:44,599 --> 00:36:46,598 It's a lot closer than you think. 633 00:36:47,598 --> 00:36:52,596 If you're standing at sea level, the normal horizon is only about three miles away. 634 00:36:52,596 --> 00:36:57,595 Back home now. What kind of weather kills more people in Britain than any other? 635 00:36:57,595 --> 00:36:58,594 Bad weather. 636 00:37:01,594 --> 00:37:03,593 - Wind. It's wind. - Not wind. 637 00:37:04,593 --> 00:37:06,592 Oh, uh-oh! Oh, dear. You got a fault for the wind. 638 00:37:06,592 --> 00:37:08,591 - Oh, bugger. - Is it rockets? 639 00:37:10,591 --> 00:37:11,591 They come down like weather. 640 00:37:11,591 --> 00:37:12,590 - Sort of. - Snow? 641 00:37:15,589 --> 00:37:16,589 - No. - Hail? 642 00:37:16,589 --> 00:37:17,589 No! 643 00:37:18,589 --> 00:37:19,588 - Fog! - Heat wave … 644 00:37:19,588 --> 00:37:25,586 Fog is the right answer! Finally! Well done. Fog. Because of road traffic accidents, I'm afraid. 645 00:37:25,586 --> 00:37:27,586 Do you want me to explain fog to you, Ben? 646 00:37:29,585 --> 00:37:30,585 What happens is … 647 00:37:32,584 --> 00:37:34,584 Everybody has been asleep, right, for quite a long time. 648 00:37:35,584 --> 00:37:37,583 So all their breath gathers up. 649 00:37:38,583 --> 00:37:45,581 And they'd left a little window open and it all goes out and that collects in the valley all together. 650 00:37:46,580 --> 00:37:50,579 And it gets blown around by the lorries driving up and down. 651 00:37:51,579 --> 00:37:52,579 Are you still with me? 652 00:37:54,578 --> 00:37:56,577 - I like it. - Do you know the difference between fog and mist? 653 00:37:56,577 --> 00:37:58,577 - There is an official difference. - Is it the height of it? 654 00:37:58,577 --> 00:38:00,576 No, it's actually just the density. 655 00:38:00,576 --> 00:38:02,576 - Mist is watery, isn't it? - Fog is visibility of less 656 00:38:02,576 --> 00:38:05,575 than one kilometre, while mist is usually between one and two. 657 00:38:05,575 --> 00:38:11,573 Cos in mist, you can be seen in a, sort of mac, whereas in fog, they can't see you at all. 658 00:38:11,573 --> 00:38:14,572 You're safe, no one can see you, step back in, you're gone. 659 00:38:14,572 --> 00:38:18,571 It's interesting that you think of fog, as a way of hiding yourself. 660 00:38:18,571 --> 00:38:23,569 So you can go about your beastly business unobserved. 661 00:38:24,569 --> 00:38:26,568 It's not beastly, I'm just putting stickers on things. 662 00:38:26,568 --> 00:38:28,568 Oh! It's YOU! 663 00:38:28,568 --> 00:38:32,567 Yeah. Putting silly stickers on people's faces. Nothing pervy. 664 00:38:32,567 --> 00:38:36,566 A bit of chewing gum over Cameron Diaz's eye. Anything, it just cheers me up. 665 00:38:37,565 --> 00:38:43,563 Smog of course is an urban phenomenon, smoke and fog. Sulphur dioxide, usually, and fog mixing together. 666 00:38:43,563 --> 00:38:47,562 The last really bad one in London was in 1952 and lasted four days. 667 00:38:47,562 --> 00:38:48,562 How many people did it kill, roughly? 668 00:38:49,562 --> 00:38:51,561 - 256. - No. 669 00:38:51,561 --> 00:38:52,561 - They all died fairly roughly, didn't they? - 3000! 670 00:38:52,561 --> 00:38:53,561 - No. - Four! 671 00:38:53,561 --> 00:39:00,558 No. It was 12,000 people, in four days, killed by the smog of 1952. 672 00:39:00,558 --> 00:39:03,558 This is what hurried in the clean air and smokeless zones. 673 00:39:03,558 --> 00:39:06,557 In London now, fog is pretty rare, to be honest, isn't it? 674 00:39:06,557 --> 00:39:10,555 But I was in, last week, one of the Hawaiian islands, in Honolulu. 675 00:39:10,555 --> 00:39:12,555 - Hawa-i-i-i. - Hawa-i-i-i. 676 00:39:12,555 --> 00:39:16,554 And they don't have fog there, they have … do you know what they call it? 677 00:39:16,554 --> 00:39:17,553 It's not smog or fog. 678 00:39:17,553 --> 00:39:19,553 - Sun. - No. 679 00:39:20,553 --> 00:39:22,552 They have lots of that. But they have … 680 00:39:22,552 --> 00:39:24,551 - Is it …? Is it alo-hog? - No. 681 00:39:26,551 --> 00:39:31,549 - It's vog. They have vog. Why vog? - All the Jewish people have moved there. 682 00:39:33,549 --> 00:39:39,547 Vog, what do I care, I can't see it. Look at you, you can't see him, I can't see her. 683 00:39:39,547 --> 00:39:41,546 I don't know what I'm doing. Why should I care? 684 00:39:41,546 --> 00:39:44,545 What it is, I don't know. Look at you, where are you? 685 00:39:44,545 --> 00:39:47,545 You're there. You're too far! I can't see you for Christ's sake, what's going on? 686 00:39:51,543 --> 00:39:52,543 Oh, God! 687 00:39:53,543 --> 00:39:56,542 Thank you. Thank you, Jackie Brydon. 688 00:39:56,542 --> 00:40:02,540 No, it's a volcanic fog. It's the fact there's a volcano going off in the big island there. 689 00:40:02,540 --> 00:40:07,539 And it mixes with natural mists and fogs and creates this denser itemry called vog. 690 00:40:07,539 --> 00:40:12,537 Anyway, fog or mist, it's all the same stuff, it causes road crashes, that's the thing about it. 691 00:40:12,537 --> 00:40:18,535 Now, lastly! When, oh, when, will they finish painting the Forth rail bridge? 692 00:40:19,535 --> 00:40:20,535 Yes? 693 00:40:20,535 --> 00:40:23,534 Never, because by the time they get to … 694 00:40:27,533 --> 00:40:28,532 You see my little face light up, 695 00:40:28,532 --> 00:40:29,532 - as I thought of it? - Yes. 696 00:40:29,532 --> 00:40:31,532 It's been done, they don't need to worry about it anymore. 697 00:40:31,532 --> 00:40:35,530 They're putting on a new special coating, that's a combination of paint and epoxy resin. 698 00:40:35,530 --> 00:40:36,530 It's the right answer! 699 00:40:39,529 --> 00:40:40,529 Very good! 700 00:40:42,528 --> 00:40:43,528 Absolutely right. 701 00:40:45,527 --> 00:40:49,526 You never seize to amaze me, Alan Davies. But you're absolutely right. 702 00:40:49,526 --> 00:40:52,525 It used to be considered the proverbial un-ending task. 703 00:40:52,525 --> 00:40:55,524 - Yeah! - But they have a new epoxy resin paint, 704 00:40:55,524 --> 00:40:59,523 it's been developed to last 25, possibly even 40 years! 40 years! 705 00:40:59,523 --> 00:41:02,522 You've just come back from that big industrial paints conference, haven't you? 706 00:41:04,522 --> 00:41:06,521 You just out there, just seeing what's going on. 707 00:41:06,521 --> 00:41:08,521 - What's new in the paint world. - Followed a lot on the web as well. 708 00:41:10,520 --> 00:41:15,519 Thanks to a clever, new paint, they'll actually finish painting the Forth railway bridge in the year 2012. 709 00:41:15,519 --> 00:41:19,517 And so, with the future safely behind us, it's time for a look at the old scoreboard. 710 00:41:19,517 --> 00:41:23,516 And … Well ahead of his time with 14 points, 711 00:41:23,516 --> 00:41:25,516 it's Ben Miller! 712 00:41:28,515 --> 00:41:29,514 But … 713 00:41:30,514 --> 00:41:34,513 Not so far behind, with seven points, 714 00:41:34,513 --> 00:41:35,513 - it's Sean Lock! - Thank you! 715 00:41:39,512 --> 00:41:43,510 We plunge into the minus numbers, in third place with -31, 716 00:41:43,510 --> 00:41:45,510 it's Rob Brydon. 717 00:41:50,508 --> 00:41:54,507 But knocked into the middle of next week with -60, 718 00:41:54,507 --> 00:41:56,506 Alan Davies! 719 00:42:03,504 --> 00:42:10,502 Well, that's all for next week, but from Rob, Ben, Sean and Alan and me, 720 00:42:10,502 --> 00:42:14,501 we trust you will live long and prosper, and I leave you with this observation 721 00:42:14,501 --> 00:42:16,501 from physicist, Niels Bohr, 722 00:42:16,501 --> 00:42:18,500 "Prediction is very difficult," he said. 723 00:42:18,500 --> 00:42:21,499 "Especially about the future." Good night.