Well … Good evening!
Good evening, good evening, good evening good evening, good evening, good evening.
Welcome to QI.
Tonight, we're fathoming the future,
festooned with a fellowship of far-seeing forecasters.
We have the Wily Wizard of Woking himself, Sean Lock!
Thank you.
And we have the prognosticating Arch druid of Port Talbot,
Rob Brydon!
And we are so honoured with our next guest, Ben Miller,
who had a crack at a Ph.D.
in novel quantum effects in Quasi-Zero Dimensional Mesoscopic Electrical Systems!
Wow!
And Alan Davies, who has also come along.
Let's have a foretaste of your futuristic fingerings. Sean goes …
Rob goes …
Ben goes …
And Alan goes …
Thank you.
Great. So, the future begins …now!
Alan, what are you doing?
- Nothing. Wha …? - Oh!
There is no such thing as nothing,
on any level has there ever been discovered to be such a thing as nothing.
- Sitting, holding my pen. - So many things.
Exactly. It's impossible to do and think nothing.
There is no such thing as nothing.
Exactly. In fact, physics tells us, actually, that there's no such thing as nothing, as well.
Does it? In what way?
Because elementary particles become created and annihilated in the vacuum,
so nothingness is really a swarm of elementary particles.
But also, there's considered to be a field permeating the whole of space
called the Higgs field, which gives elementary particles mass.
- And this is the thing … - Ah, yes …
- And it's … - I like this.
- And the Higgs field … - Heard it!
For the Higgs field to exist, we need a Higgs boson.
And we've built a huge hadron collider, colliding huge beams of protons together,
at CERN, in Switzerland, to detect the Higgs boson.
You are the best supply teacher we have ever had.
That is fabulous.
Even if you don't believe in the Higgs Field, gravity operates in a vacuum, does it not?
This is a really interesting thing.
There are four …
We are interested!
No, this is … No, don't worry, Ben. This is me looking interested.
This is actually really, really interesting. There are …
- There are four known forces in the universe. - Right, gravity …
Gravity, electromagnetism, the nuclear strong force,
which holds nuclei together,
and the nuclear weak force, which causes radioactivity.
Now, the nuclear weak force, the nuclear strong force,
- and electromagnetism are all of a similar strength … - Right.
But gravity is incredibly weak.
And you can see that by, a fridge magnet can hold a pin using electromagnetism,
and defeat the whole force of the earth pulling down on it.
And one of the things they think is that our three, four dimensions, if you like,
are actually part of a much bigger space.
And gravity permeates all these other dimensions,
they think ten in total, which means that it becomes weakened
by a corresponding amount.
- You disagree? - I'm sorry, but I have to depart from that theory!
- There's one theory, though, is there not, - There, because there's an elementary mistake …
that all matter has its corresponding antimatter.
And I can't help but look at you, Ben, and you, Rob, and see …
Am I alone?
Isn't that weird?
Never been seen in the same room before.
Ah, now you're so close, won't some awful thing happen?
What it is; we can't actually touch.
Let's … Let's just check …
- Whoa! - Whoa!
It is phenomenal. I mean, there are a lot of horse-faced people in the world …
Sorry! No. But it is remarkable.
- No. Neigh, indeed! - What would happen if they put you two,
they put you two, in the Hadron Collider
and send you underneath the ground in Switzerland and impact you?
- That would be brilliant. - Would be the finest comedian in the world.
Black hole would result.
They're gonna make a black hole, aren't they? And actually suck Switzerland into the ground,
leaving nothing but chocolate.
Well, I thank you for that. It's an honour and a pleasure,
if I may say, Ben Miller, to have someone
who knows what they're talking about on this programme.
We're very pleased for the heads-up on what's going on in particle physics.
You know what's so good about it, is that there'll be a fair number of viewers watching now, thinking,
"That Rob Brydon knows a lot about science!"
- It's a win-win. - It's true! It's true!
Anyway, there is no such thing as nothing, arguably, anyway.
On the other hand, if you want to disagree,
there's nothing to stop you!
And now …
Our QI time capsule.
When do you think the first time capsules where? Who … Who came up with the first time capsules?
- Blue Peter. - 30's …
"Blue Peter"?
- 30's is not far off. - 1930's?
Guinness Book of Records says 1940, the University in Atlanta …
Those where the first recorded ones, but … The … The first ones that where done …
- Was in Pittsburgh … - Technically, Jesus.
…in '37.
Seriously, in Lockes Field in Pittsburgh …
- Come on, yeah? Go on. And …? - Well it was done by Lockes Field in Pittsburgh …
- Yeah? - By two scientists.
Right …
You, and … Come on here! You never believe a word I say!
- I do! There's some point … - There's the point in the research …
…that I do for this show!
All right, I'll believe you. However … The Guinness Book of World Records …
Yes, I saw that out of the corner of my eye!
The Guinness Book of World Records give it to the crypt of civilization located in the basement
of Phoebe Hearst Hall. There it is, behind you. You can see … That is the …
It's more than a time capsule, it's a huge room. Destined to be opened in the year 8113.
It's very specific.
And it contains all kinds of things.
Including the Bible, the Qur'an, the Iliad …
Why 8113, then? What's that …?
Ah, if you could guess why 8113, I would be staggeringly impressed,
- and you will get TWO fanfares. - Is it some reversal of numbers?
- Or is it somebody's birthday backwards, or something? - It's not that, no.
- Somebody's birthday? - At the time …
In 8113, I will be …
I can't even work that out!
At the time, they believed that human history began in the year 4241 B.C.
Began, in the sense that that was the beginning of the Egyptian … The first Egyptian calendar.
And therefor … If they took themselves as that midpoint and put the same amount of time after the …
The time capsule, it would go out to 8113.
- So when they opened it, - That's fantastic!
they would be looking at the midpoint in human history.
- That's wonderful. - Which is rather splendid.
And they also included all kinds of things. They didn't know whether electricity would still be around,
obviously in 8113, so there's a windmill to drive all the various speech and electric machines and projectors.
They should have put a bucket of water over the door …
That would have been so sweet.
And there should have been nothing in it, except one of these big ball pits that you roll around in.
I imagine the people who find it, just open the door and go …
And just take it to whatever the 8113 equivalent to a carboot sale is.
- Just flog the lot. - Yeah, it'll be worth a fortune, wouldn't it?
You know what I like doing? The … The … The sort of … The more mundane aspect
that we all have access to, is when you strip wallpaper of a room in your house.
- Yes? - And you get down …
You get a few layers of it, don't you? You find an glyph, and all these different …
- There's a flock thing … - Ancient Rome …
- I've always stopped for that. - Cave … Cave paintings.
Eventually … Eventually, you get through to something that the …
- The previous owners of the house … - Amoebas, just a pressed amoeba.
…have written there. They've written, you know, "John and Susan 1973", or something like that.
- That's all … - That's very nice.
It's sort of a … It's … It's … It's a realistic version of archaeology.
It's … It's a … It's a version of archaeology that's within all our grasp.
You can all try it at home; just go up to the wallpaper, start … Steam! I recommend you steam.
- Would you? - Don't go in with a scraper, you'll be there all day.
It's just lovely, because you get a sense … The history of your house.
Well usually, those things are drawn by decorators, and it would be like, "Dave's a wanker".
- It might. - "I hate Arsenal."
Beer. In the steps in houses that have steps or stoops it's very common to have a barrel of beer
in the cement under there. Apparently.
We found one … In our house, the family that lived there before,
had recorded the height of all the inhabitants, and you see it growing,
so I've started doing that with my kids now, and with me.
Why don't you put yourself really high?
I give myself an extra inch, yes.
My house was repossessed, so I actually had to scratch marks for the children
as I was dragged down the room.
- Very good. - That sort of lovely moment we …
We kept it, we decorated around it.
At our house, we just put, "Ben Miller lived here".
There are, apparently, 10,000 time capsules worldwide, and most of them have been lost, is to where they are.
So there is now the International Time Capsule Society,
- and if you have a time capsule, - The Blue Peter one was ruined.
they urge you to be in touch; they have a web site. So that they can register where yours is.
And, of course, we've taken them into space.
- Mariner, was it? Or Voyager? - Yes.
Which has got a gold slab with a picture of a man etched into it and binary information about the …
- Was it designed by Carl Sagan? - Carl Sagan, yeah.
Who said that rather wonderful thing when they suggested having, also music.
And someone said, "What about Bach?" And he said, "No, that would just be showing off."
You think there's anyone out there? I don't.
- Don't you? - Not really, no.
Well, according to the equivalence principle, there HAVE to be aliens out there.
- There have to be? - Yeah. There absolutely have to be.
Yeah, but I …
- I doubt the equivalence principle, in all honesty. - It's a principle …
And have done for a long time.
You show me some hard proof about the equivalence principle.
- Well the hard proof is that we are here! - It can't, it's fanciful.
I thought it's all too fanciful idea that there wouldn't be.
And arrogant and peculiar, and the universe …
- That is almost the opposite view to mine, isn't it? - There's science …
- It is, yeah. - Yeah, it is.
The whole of modern astronomy is based on the principle that we're NOT in a unique position
- in the universe. - Astronomy or astrology?
Oh, stop it!
- No, astronomy … - That you would even say the word "astrology" in …
Astrology is of course, star signs. I mean, that's … Rubbish, isn't it?
- Thank you, yes. That's right. - Yes, but I'm not saying that …
- That you even begin to thing about it. - I'm not backing up! I'm, I'm …
- I'm debunking it. - But, in fact, if you're watching QI now,
and you believe in astrology, you are banned from watching this show …
You're not allowed, you must turn over NOW! Thank you.
Now …
You may not know that, amazingly, nothing in the laws of physics forbids time travel.
But if this is the case, where are all the time travellers?
She could do so much better than him.
He looks absolutely shocked to be with her, doesn't he? I mean …
"I can't believe my luck!"
There's a thing known as the Grandfather Paradox, isn't there?
That if you could travel in time, could you go back and shoot your own grandfather?
Obviously, you couldn't, cos the person killing your grandfather,
once your grandfather is dead, you could never have existed
and if you haven't existed, you can't have killed your grandfather.
Point related nicely to the business about "Where are all the aliens?".
Cos the … The question "Where are all the aliens?" is essentially …
Is known, in fact, as the Fermi paradox, and …
- Enrico Fermi … - Yes?
- I will spare you the details! - Yeah.
Erm, Hawking mirrored his quote, Hawking mirrored his quote …
When you say there's nothing in physics that prevents time travel,
that's not actually strictly true, because there are plenty of physical laws
that are non-reversible, such as the second law of thermodynamics.
Really, that you're saying; swings and roundabouts.
- Swings and roundabouts … - That is the quite interesting point …
If you had a picture of a glass and then; a smashed glass, you could never put the picture
of the smashed glass as earlier in time than the picture of the glass.
So, the question is; are we human beings only capable of living in a universe
in which we experience time in a thermodynamic sequence, in a linear thermodynamic sequence?
Or, is time actually reversible?
- Is it multiple choice? - Then there's the … There's the girdle …
'Cause I think, if there's a multiple choice, I'd have a stab at it.
- If you warp space enough? - If you warp space, that's the idea, yeah …
- Time could fold back on itself. - Yeah, wormholes.
Then wormholes, but there's also the simple fact that if you'd travel near the speed of light,
towards a planet, and it might take you, say; a minute to get to that planet …
- To which … - On Earth; four years would pass,
- while, in your space ship; only a minute passes. - That's exactly right!
What Stephen is saying is that time travel IS possible; time travel to the future, is possible.
Because, the closer you get to the speed of light,
- the faster the universe … - We're all travelling to the future, aren't we?
Just very slowly.
That's not the problem. It's more going back, that's the issue, I think.
But there is a belief, also, that the very thing you where talking about: The Large Hadron Collider,
might initiate the world of time travel, because there are some people who think
time travel MAY be possible in the future, but, like telephones; you can't have one telephone,
it's useless, you have to have someone else with a telephone; and that the …
In the future … If they have any access to time travel, they need first something on Earth to have been built,
- like a large hadron collider. - One of those …
Which might well cause wormholes to exist, that would allow people in the future to connect with it.
I was there two weeks ago!
- Where you really? - Yeah. Really exciting.
That was one helluva anniversary for you and Mrs. Miller, wasn't it?
My objection to all this physics, this … This level of physics, is that you can't explain it to …
Let's call us …
Not … just ordinary people. You could, actually, just be making it up.
Until it makes machines work, that's the point.
When Faraday talked about electricity and magnetism, it didn't make any sense,
but then somebody makes a solenoid, somebody makes an electricity generator,
suddenly you've got lights, you've got television,
people can talk about quantum P states and N states, and they can talk about this.
And suddenly you've got a computer to go,
- "Ahem, I think you'll find …!" - I was the same with the leaf blower.
Someone said to me, "One day you won't have to rake up the leaves."
I said, "You are living in cloud cuckoo land, mate."
Can you? Like, I don't understand electricity. Even the most …
I don't understand telephones. If you could explain to me, the theory of the telephone,
I would still have … I've had the same expression at the start, that I had at the end.
Could somebody … A simple analogy. I mean, it's been around since I was a kid. That how your voice …
- Can be heard miles away? - Ben! Help us out.
You need … You need something called a "transducer". You need something, that's capable
- of changing one energy form into another … - See, I'm gone, lost my train.
Via something like a piezoelectric crystal, which is a crystal, which if you compress it;
it creates an electric charge, and you can …
Say, if an electric circuit; you have a piezoelectric crystal in the mouthpiece of the telephone …
You, um … You speak into it; it vibrates; it converts that into electrical currents …
- No! - Those currents are then converted into a signal
by an amplifier; passed along the telephone wire to the other end, where it's converted back
through a transducer, from an electrical signal into movement of the piezoelectric crystal,
- which moves the air; which moves the … - It's like a palindrome.
- …which hits the ear which hears your voice. - Thank you. Very good.
It's like a palindrome.
So, it's like a palindrome, in the sense that it starts off one thing; it has to transform
- and then come back to what it was? - Exactly! Yeah.
I think that people find it hard to tell us apart. I think we've hit upon a good way now, haven't we?
The future, of course, is obvious with hindsight, but now it's time to poke predicable fun
at people who are foolhardy enough to make forecasts and have the misfortune to get them hopelessly wrong.
So, fingers on buzzers, please.
In 1955, Variety Magazine predicted that what would be, I quote, "gone before June"?
Yes?
- Rob. - May.
I said they predicted it wrongly.
You made me look a fool.
No, you did that!
- Television. - Television is not … But you're much …
- Cinema. - It's an "F" show; Frisps.
- I'll tell you what it was … - Remember them?
- I'll tell you what it was … - Yeah, then …
If it was '55, it was Elvis Presley.
- Wider. Wider, more … - Rock and roll!
"Rock and roll" is the right answer. Yes, they did say that.
Don't look so stupid now, do I?
Not quite so stupid, rather … You … You don't. But all things are relative.
Um, yeah, it was rock and roll.
Now in 1977, Ken Olsen said, "There is no reason for any individual to have a 'what' in their home"?
Butler!
No.
- Jap moded … - Japanese prisoner of war.
- Again; wonderful tribe. No. - No need for it.
He, if I may say, was the chairman of D-E-C. DEC. The Digital Equipment Company.
- Computer! - "A computer", he said, exactly!
- He was wrong, wasn't he? - He was very wrong, yes.
- I know quite a few people who've got one. - Yes! Yes.
They are, these days. They're very much the coming thing, I believe, aren't they? Absolutely.
Some of these "whiz kids", they …
In 1955, what nuclear powered device did Alex Lewitt predict, would be a reality within ten years?
TV remote.
- No, but as … As daft, really. - Hover boots.
- Nuclear powered hover boots? I like the sound … - Yeah! That is the invention,
that everybody always says, "Will there be …" My … My son, he said to me,
"Dad, will there be hover boots when I'm grown up?"
Like, that is the height of scientific and technological advancement, and Ben knows,
he's gonna talk for a little while about …
- The possibility of … - How possible it is …
- Hover gloves, that might. - It's not hover gloves …
Now, that's brilliant!
Surely, you could do your own hovering, you're doing it, in fact.
It's not a hover thing, but it is a domestic appliance, that he thought …
- Electric toothbrush! - …would be nuclear powered.
Not an electric toothbrush.
- Fridge. - Hoover!
- "Hoover", yes. An electric nu … Vacuum cleaner - Vacuum cleaner, yes.
- Nuclear vacuum cleaner? - He honestly thought, in 1955,
that within ten years, there'd be nuclear powered ones.
They had vacuum cleaners in America in the 19th century, and they where huge,
and they had to go on the back of a cart drawn by horses.
I remember seeing that on a programme called "QI". Yeah.
Yeah. Well done.
But, well remembered!
It goes in somewhere.
It did! And it does, yeah!
Well, the nuclear powered domestic vacuum cleaner. But not everybody gets it wrong;
a few remarkable people, shaped the future by being the very first in their field,
men like Saint Ambrose, the fourth century bishop of Milan. What did Saint Augustine of Hippo,
catch Saint Ambrose doing, that had never been done before in public, but which nearly all of us …
Nearly all of us now can do in public?
Yes?
Was he using his mobile in a crowded compartment?
- Because we all do it, let's be honest. - We do.
Even when we see that little sign saying, "This is a mobile friendly …" or "mobile free …"
'Cause, you still kind of think it doesn't apply to you.
I don't, actually, yeah.
- I don't! - No.
I think it's just you, Rob.
For, when I do; people think it's you!
Anyway. No, it isn't that. It was like a party trick thingie he could do.
It seemed it, but we can all do it. And it seems natural to us.
But, it was just not done.
And, it involved … Reading.
Did his lips move?
- Reading … - His lips did not move. Is the point.
He was the first person, it seems, in certain post classical times,
who could read without moving his lips.
It's very odd. It seems so natural to us. But, as children do, when they first read,
they read out loud, and then, their lips moved. And, then they'd never stop.
- Presumably, if you could read, - And this man, Saint Ambrose …
then you, sort of, wanted to show of a bit about the fact that you could.
I think, there's an element of that. Whereas he did the opposite.
And this is what Saint Augustine wrote in his confessions:
"When Ambrose read, his eyes scanned the page, and his heart sought out the meaning,
but his voice was silent. And his tongue was still. Anyone could approach him freely,
and guests where not commonly announced, so that often, when we came to visit him,
we found him reading like this, in silence. For he never read aloud."
And he was obviously astonished by this. It was considered a remarkable trick.
I … I sort of think of myself as a man of limited talents,
and I just wish that I'd been around then.
I would have blown them away!
I can read whole books like this!
But I have to say, they would have been in Latin.
- That's where I would have fallen down. - Yeah.
But you could have, also … You could have given them your Ronnie Corbett impression, which goes …
It's not the one about the chap that reads the book without moving his lips.
Very good! Very good.
They might have burned you as a witch but they would have been impressed.
Anyway, so … Another man that was ahead of his time, was Sir Christopher Wren.
This is one of his buildings behind me, here.
By question is, what are the pillars in the middle of open area for? Those four pillars?
For hoodies to lean on menacingly.
Probably true, it's Windsor. We're in Windsor here. Do you know what they're for?
Hold the roof up?
Oh, no!
No. Oddly enough, he took over the commission from a man called Fitz, who'd been commissioned
to do the building, and there where these four pillars, and he …
- Being a fine … - "Where do these go, guv?"
- "Oh, just put them in the middle …" - Well, him being a …
Christopher Wren; fine mathematician, and an extraordinary architect,
he reasoned, quite correctly, that the pillars where not necessary.
But the bureaucrats, who had said this: "No, no, no, you got to have the pillars!"
So he deliberately had the pillars made too short, actually to touch the ceiling …
- Oh, yes! They're not … - As a way of putting two fingers up to them,
- for them insisting he have them. - I know a building like that …
In fact, they had no supporting role, whatsoever.
We had a building like that in our extension, actually.
- Did it fall down? Or did it … Did it fall down? - Yes! Yes.
- He didn't do it on purpose. - No! No.
Also, it's got failsafe. That if it doesn't work, it just goes … Then it's all right.
Exactly! No one would ever know, but you!
- But in fact, needless today, even today, now … - "What happened?". "Don't worry about it!"
- Actually, they force tiles in there. - Shims.
Because the current jobs worths, also think, "No, no. It's got to have those …"
But, it's in Windsor. It's the corn market,
Now, a common theme of science fiction B-movies set in the future is robot invasions.
But, has Britain ever actually been invaded by robots?
- Yes. - Ooh, I'm guessing they have.
- Yes, they have. And when? - Er, '40s.
- 1880's. - '40s is the right answer.
- 1940's. - I'm afraid the point there goes to young Alan.
- But … - The Germans?
- Was it the Germans? - The Germans.
- Had to be. The doodlebug. - The doodlebug and the buzz bombs.
- The V1 and V2. - "We will zend zie robots!"
And the point is not just that we're saying they are a kind of robots,
they were CALLED robots.
They were called robots more than they were called doodlebugs in the '40s.
In as much as they were publicly called anything,
because they were more or less banned to be discussed,
the British authorities were terrified of letting the Germans know how successful or otherwise
- the V1 and V2 were. - I'll tell you what, when the V2 landed
on Chingford Plain, it was quite widely discussed.
Oh, it would be. But the point is, not in the newspapers.
You ask, has Britain been invaded by robots?
If you wanted to answer that question in a satirical manner …
- Yes? - That took a swipe at modern life in Britain …
- Go on! - You'd say we're in the process of it now,
and those robots are the bloody call centres that we have to put up with.
So my answer is yes, and it's happening now.
- You should … You should be a stand-up comedian. - Or, Rob, on a … On a …
On an equally satirical note, the bloody cameras that take photographs of us everywhere we go …
- And … - More cameras now in this country …
- Send us, electronically … - Pictures of our cars …
- Summons and fines … - More cameras than any other time,
and any country in Europe, and yet we can't catch anybody who kills somebody!
- The Acton Bowling Club! - Why is nobody ever murdered in front of a camera?
A couple of mad old men moaning about the state of Britain today!
I agree with you!
- I like you! I like you. - I like you!
- I listen to you, it's like listening to me! - Yeah!
- I like your attitude. - Yeah, yeah!
They're going to fuse into one horrifying Rob Miller.
If we go like this; this is like a Siamese twin.
We're quite keen to have the operation but obviously we're not sure how we'd get on without each other.
Mmm. All right. Er …
Oh, Christ!
- Whoa! That's what it's like! - Yeah!
I can see the attraction!
- Now I know why my wife married me. - Yeah!
That was good! Goddamn!
Just horrible!
Right, thank you.
You can make up for it by telling me where the word "robot" comes from.
- Where do we get the word robot from? - I can't get that out of my head.
We get the word robotic from the word robot!
Yeah, take the "IC" off robotic, you've got robot.
It comes from the dance, Stephen. It comes from the dance.
This dance.
Is it something you can shout at a machine it's got a chance of understanding?
- Oh? Interesting thought, no. - Like, "You robot!"
Whereas if it was called a quark assimilator fassamisilator,
it might not pick up how angry you are.
It must be an acronym, right?
No, it's not, actually. It's from a perfectly good Slavic word; robota,
meaning a drudge, slave worker, a labourer.
- Ah, like a drone. - Robota.
And it was from a play by a man called Karel Čapek in 1920, called Rossum's Universal Robots.
And that's when it was first used. But now, back to the future.
What will be the language of the future here on earth?
Well, if it carries on the way it is, it'll be the sort of hoodies
that Ben and I are so firmly against. Kind of like talking like this,
everybody is gonna talk like that, and that's gonna be the way of the future.
Like, you know, it don't matter where you come from. You's gonna talk like that …
Which I hate.
- I think you all got that! - Yeah!
Oh, dear.
- Is it gonna be Mandarin or Spanish? - Interesting thought.
- Oh, is it a trick qu …? Is it binary? - Binary.
- Is it binary? - No, it's not, though you have a picture on there.
No, it's generally thought to be English, in fact, but a certain kind of English.
- As many as 80% of the people … - Is this gonna be, it's like, kind of, English?
No! It's like …
- Kind of like English? That sort of like English? - That goes up at the end?
- Cos I hate that. - I hate that too. I hate that too.
There's a proper debate about this. I mean, wh … Cos I am a bit of an old, funny …
"Oh, it shouldn't change!" But, of course; language …
- It must change. - DOES evolve.
Absolutely. I can't bare people being pointy about language. It drives me mad!
People who write in to Radio 4 and moan about whether or not someone said "more",
you know, "fewer" or "less". actually, that's showing off …
- It's a living language … - They just wanted to show,
- they've spotted something … - And deal with it!
How you've told me off for "fewer" or "less";
- on no fewer or lesser occasions. - Oh, YOU, yeah! Obviously. I …
Heavens above!
No, apparently as many as 80% of people who speak English do not speak English
as their first language.
They're speaking it together with other people, who …
For whom it is their second or third language.
And the one that seems to be growing is a thing called Panglish, they're gonna call it,
i.e., "pan" English, a kind of everyman English.
There's a version at the moment, which is spoken by a lot of people called Singlish, apparently,
which is a mixture of English, Chinese and Malay.
Singaporean equivalent to Franglais. See if you can see what these words mean.
Lay leo. Written as two words, it's actually one. L-A-Y-L-E-O. Lay leo.
- Instructions for Mrs Sayer. - No, it's just radio.
You're not on Clue now! Very good! No, it's radio. "Layleo."
Layleo? That's just bad!
That's a child, "Layleo." "Well done!"
"He's speaking Panglish, you know!"
"No, he hasn't learned to speak!"
- Lolex. - A Rolex watch.
- Yes! Exactly! - Oh, that's rubbish!
Orleng tzu. O-R-L-E-N-G, T-Z-U.
See you soon.
No, actually it's a drink. "I have glass of orleng tzu." Orange juice.
Orleng tzu. If you go to Singapore and say, "orleng tzu", they give you an orange juice.
They really must … They must try harder.
English has evolved. I mean, a Saxon or an Angle would hear us and go,
"What have they done with our language? They must try harder."
Cos we've evolved it into what we call English.
They'll do it into what will be their language, I mean …
That's after they've said, "What are you wearing?"
Do you know what I heard said to me in Singapore?
What?
"You! Lick Ashwrie!"
"Lick arse, please?"
- Wow! - 1988, and I was mistaken,
- for the pop star Rick Astley. - Oh?
- I wanted "Lick arse, please!" … - "You pop star! You Lick Asslie!"
- "You lick arse, please!" - "Sorry? Say, I'm sorry?"
- No, he was asking you to lick his arse. - He was, yeah!
- You where being offered a service. - He thought I was Rick Astley.
- He was an early example of "Rickrolling" - "Never gonna give you up …"
- Hey! - There is … There is …
There is no more mysterious language, of course, then … Then … Than Welsh.
Where, uh … Mini golf, for example, is "golf mini".
- Get away! - True. True.
- "Welsh". - True!
Honestly!
They're are other languages, obviously; invented languages.
Do you know anything about Klingon?
Oh, yeah! That's a proper language now, isn't it?
It seems to be. They have degrees in it, I believe. In Klingon.
It was invented by a man called Marc Okrand, or at least devised.
It's rather difficult to have normal conversations in it. There are words for things
like a transporter ionising unit. Which is a "jol'Voi", which you probably knew …
Wasn't he … Wasn't he a midnight cowboy?
Also, for the bridge of a ship, which is "meH".
But there is no word for a bridge that goes over a river.
But they have translated Hamlet into Klingon.
And, "taH pagh taHbe’", is "To be, or not to be" apparently.
Is there any word for: "What have I done with my life?"
Perhaps, there should be.
"How did it come to this?"
"Trekkie", I think, is the word that …
But there are more sensible ones; Esperanto.
- That was invented, wasn't it? - Is was an entirely invented language.
But, apparently because it's so easy to learn, has only 900 words and has no irregular verbs,
it takes you a year less to learn to speak another language reasonably fluently.
So in that sense it's quite useful.
Here's an example. What am I saying? Saluton.
- Saluton? - Hello.
- Greetings. - Yes. What could be easier than that?
- Cu vi parolas Esperanton? - Quidditch.
Do you speak - Cu vi, do you have Esperanto words?
But this is … Mia kusenveturilo estas plena je angiloj.
My cousin is a meerkat of strange angles.
No, you can work this out. Angiloj?
- No, nothing. - Eel.
- Eel. In most romance languages that's an eel. - Eel, is it?
- Kusenveturilo … Kusen … Kusen? - Jellied eels?
Cushing? Peter Cushing, the Hammer Horrors?
- Cushion vehicle … - Eel cushion?
- Hovercraft. - Estas plena …
Yeah, "My hovercraft is full of eels."
- Seriously? - Yes!
I thought you were a bit cross with me then and you were saying that to move on.
No, that's what it is in Esperanto.
There you are. Anyway, that's enough of that.
The language of the future looks like actually being Panglish,
and we'll only understand it if we're lucky.
Now, it is possible to imagine a future in which there will be no war and no poverty
but I confidently predict there will always be General Ignorance.
So fingers on buzzers, please.
To be serious for a moment. The most urgent issue facing the future of the planet is the environment.
The republic of Guyana, is in South America, as you probably know …
Immediately to the north of Brazil. Between the years 2000 and 2005;
what percentage of the country's rainforest was cut down?
Yes?
400.
It's that bad!
It's that bad it's got.
Like a Mach 4 razor. The first … The first time gets it close …
The second time; closer still. The third time gets rid of any trees at all!
The fourth time; you know you're treeless.
The best a country can get. It's not 400%, I have to say.
- None! - Half?
"None" is the right answer.
They replace every tree they pull down with another tree.
It's a rather happy thought that Guyana has this splendid …
- Don't you think? - That's a photograph taken
at Kew Gardens, in the palm house.
Where was the only South American country to play cricket?
Guyana, 'cause they speak English.
- Yeah. It's a Caribbean country, essentially. - It's an English colony, isn't it?
Absolutely.
- It's next to Suriname, which … - Next to Suriname, which is …
- Dutch Guyana. - Exactly right.
Where they don't play cricket, I suspect. Anyway, there you are.
Now, picture the scene.
I'm out windsurfing,
the breeze is ruffling my tousled, sun-bleached hair,
I look up and I see on the horizon; a ship. How far away is it?
21 miles.
- No. - I thought it was always 21 miles.
- No. - I know, they didn't even get flagged for that.
No, no. I didn't know that anybody always thought that it was 21 miles.
How far away is the horizon?
That's the point. I'll tell Ben Miller the formula for working it out,
and he will tell you very quickly.
It's very straightforward. Let's assume I am 6ft. tall, I'm actually a bit taller.
The distance to the horizon in miles
is approximately the square root of one-and-a-half times your height in feet.
That depends how low your eyes are, though, doesn't it?
- Three miles. - Three miles is the right answer! Well done.
It's a lot closer than you think.
If you're standing at sea level, the normal horizon is only about three miles away.
Back home now. What kind of weather kills more people in Britain than any other?
Bad weather.
- Wind. It's wind. - Not wind.
Oh, uh-oh! Oh, dear. You got a fault for the wind.
- Oh, bugger. - Is it rockets?
They come down like weather.
- Sort of. - Snow?
- No. - Hail?
No!
- Fog! - Heat wave …
Fog is the right answer! Finally! Well done. Fog. Because of road traffic accidents, I'm afraid.
Do you want me to explain fog to you, Ben?
What happens is …
Everybody has been asleep, right, for quite a long time.
So all their breath gathers up.
And they'd left a little window open and it all goes out and that collects in the valley all together.
And it gets blown around by the lorries driving up and down.
Are you still with me?
- I like it. - Do you know the difference between fog and mist?
- There is an official difference. - Is it the height of it?
No, it's actually just the density.
- Mist is watery, isn't it? - Fog is visibility of less
than one kilometre, while mist is usually between one and two.
Cos in mist, you can be seen in a, sort of mac, whereas in fog, they can't see you at all.
You're safe, no one can see you, step back in, you're gone.
It's interesting that you think of fog, as a way of hiding yourself.
So you can go about your beastly business unobserved.
It's not beastly, I'm just putting stickers on things.
Oh! It's YOU!
Yeah. Putting silly stickers on people's faces. Nothing pervy.
A bit of chewing gum over Cameron Diaz's eye. Anything, it just cheers me up.
Smog of course is an urban phenomenon, smoke and fog. Sulphur dioxide, usually, and fog mixing together.
The last really bad one in London was in 1952 and lasted four days.
How many people did it kill, roughly?
- 256. - No.
- They all died fairly roughly, didn't they? - 3000!
- No. - Four!
No. It was 12,000 people, in four days, killed by the smog of 1952.
This is what hurried in the clean air and smokeless zones.
In London now, fog is pretty rare, to be honest, isn't it?
But I was in, last week, one of the Hawaiian islands, in Honolulu.
- Hawa-i-i-i. - Hawa-i-i-i.
And they don't have fog there, they have … do you know what they call it?
It's not smog or fog.
- Sun. - No.
They have lots of that. But they have …
- Is it …? Is it alo-hog? - No.
- It's vog. They have vog. Why vog? - All the Jewish people have moved there.
Vog, what do I care, I can't see it. Look at you, you can't see him, I can't see her.
I don't know what I'm doing. Why should I care?
What it is, I don't know. Look at you, where are you?
You're there. You're too far! I can't see you for Christ's sake, what's going on?
Oh, God!
Thank you. Thank you, Jackie Brydon.
No, it's a volcanic fog. It's the fact there's a volcano going off in the big island there.
And it mixes with natural mists and fogs and creates this denser itemry called vog.
Anyway, fog or mist, it's all the same stuff, it causes road crashes, that's the thing about it.
Now, lastly! When, oh, when, will they finish painting the Forth rail bridge?
Yes?
Never, because by the time they get to …
You see my little face light up,
- as I thought of it? - Yes.
It's been done, they don't need to worry about it anymore.
They're putting on a new special coating, that's a combination of paint and epoxy resin.
It's the right answer!
Very good!
Absolutely right.
You never seize to amaze me, Alan Davies. But you're absolutely right.
It used to be considered the proverbial un-ending task.
- Yeah! - But they have a new epoxy resin paint,
it's been developed to last 25, possibly even 40 years! 40 years!
You've just come back from that big industrial paints conference, haven't you?
You just out there, just seeing what's going on.
- What's new in the paint world. - Followed a lot on the web as well.
Thanks to a clever, new paint, they'll actually finish painting the Forth railway bridge in the year 2012.
And so, with the future safely behind us, it's time for a look at the old scoreboard.
And … Well ahead of his time with 14 points,
it's Ben Miller!
But …
Not so far behind, with seven points,
- it's Sean Lock! - Thank you!
We plunge into the minus numbers, in third place with -31,
it's Rob Brydon.
But knocked into the middle of next week with -60,
Alan Davies!
Well, that's all for next week, but from Rob, Ben, Sean and Alan and me,
we trust you will live long and prosper, and I leave you with this observation
from physicist, Niels Bohr,
"Prediction is very difficult," he said.
"Especially about the future." Good night.