1 00:00:32,082 --> 00:00:33,882 Good evening, good evening! 2 00:00:33,882 --> 00:00:36,723 Good evening and welcome to QI, 3 00:00:36,723 --> 00:00:40,243 where tonight we are obsessed with films and fame. 4 00:00:40,243 --> 00:00:42,283 Parading their false modesty 5 00:00:42,283 --> 00:00:45,444 down the red carpet tonight are the very famous David Mitchell. 6 00:00:45,444 --> 00:00:46,844 APPLAUSE 7 00:00:49,884 --> 00:00:52,964 The fantastically glamorous John Sessions. 8 00:00:52,964 --> 00:00:54,205 APPLAUSE 9 00:00:56,325 --> 00:00:59,725 And, Hell's teeth! It's only Emma Thompson! 10 00:00:59,725 --> 00:01:01,045 APPLAUSE 11 00:01:04,326 --> 00:01:07,206 And who is that bloke getting out of the car behind her? 12 00:01:07,206 --> 00:01:10,166 No, not him, the one behind him. You know, the curly hair? 13 00:01:10,166 --> 00:01:11,806 The one off the telly. Who is he? 14 00:01:11,806 --> 00:01:13,607 ALL: It's Alan Davies! 15 00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:15,127 So it is! 16 00:01:15,127 --> 00:01:16,327 APPLAUSE 17 00:01:20,887 --> 00:01:22,448 And tonight... 18 00:01:22,448 --> 00:01:25,968 Tonight our buzzers have come over all cinematic. David goes... 19 00:01:25,968 --> 00:01:27,608 PEARL AND DEAN JINGLE 20 00:01:31,648 --> 00:01:33,329 Emma goes... 21 00:01:33,329 --> 00:01:36,249 INDIANA JONES THEME MUSIC 22 00:01:39,329 --> 00:01:41,569 John goes... 23 00:01:41,569 --> 00:01:44,970 # There's no business like showbusiness! 24 00:01:44,970 --> 00:01:48,770 # Like no business I know...! # 25 00:01:48,770 --> 00:01:50,810 And Alan goes... 26 00:01:50,810 --> 00:01:52,451 Th-th-th-that's all, folks! 27 00:01:56,531 --> 00:02:00,651 And so it's lights, camera and action as we roll out the first question. 28 00:02:00,651 --> 00:02:03,172 Now, you're all very good at what you do, 29 00:02:03,172 --> 00:02:05,932 but what is this picture trying to tell you? 30 00:02:05,932 --> 00:02:07,652 # Show business! # 31 00:02:07,652 --> 00:02:09,932 Oh! Johnny got there first. Yes? 32 00:02:09,932 --> 00:02:12,853 It is a painting by Man Ray of Ingres and it is known 33 00:02:12,853 --> 00:02:17,853 as the Violin d'Ingres, because it's a kind of a pun. 34 00:02:17,853 --> 00:02:21,334 But a Violin d'Ingres is actually more than a hobby, 35 00:02:21,334 --> 00:02:25,694 because the famous French painter Ingres was a brilliant violinist, 36 00:02:25,694 --> 00:02:30,575 so it is like a very, very hotly pursued hobby, a Violin d'Ingres. 37 00:02:30,575 --> 00:02:32,975 Well, what you've done is saved us a lot of time 38 00:02:32,975 --> 00:02:37,815 by being completely, 100% right in every particular! That's very good! 39 00:02:37,815 --> 00:02:41,976 Yeah. It's a photograph. Of course, it's a photograph of a real model, 40 00:02:41,976 --> 00:02:44,816 Kiki of Montparnasse, who was a favourite model 41 00:02:44,816 --> 00:02:47,456 of a lot of the Surrealist artists. 42 00:02:47,456 --> 00:02:48,897 And this is a painting by Ingres, 43 00:02:48,897 --> 00:02:53,217 the neo-classicist French painter who died in... 44 00:02:53,217 --> 00:02:56,457 1864, I think. Are you going to be like this all the way through? 45 00:02:58,418 --> 00:03:00,578 This is a complicated point we have to get across. 46 00:03:00,578 --> 00:03:04,018 The French have a phrase, which is Ingres violin, 47 00:03:04,018 --> 00:03:08,179 which means somebody who does something they are not famous for, 48 00:03:08,179 --> 00:03:10,019 but does it almost as well, i.e. 49 00:03:10,019 --> 00:03:13,299 they have a whole other side, a whole other string to their bow. 50 00:03:13,299 --> 00:03:16,419 And in the case of Ingres, it was that he was a talented violinist, 51 00:03:16,419 --> 00:03:18,740 as well as a great painter. 52 00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:21,940 And so to a question about a man who definitely, definitely 53 00:03:21,940 --> 00:03:23,620 has one more string to his bow. 54 00:03:23,620 --> 00:03:29,341 How would you like to have Cedric Gibbons nude on your mantelpiece? 55 00:03:29,341 --> 00:03:32,821 It's not Stanley Gibbons the philatelist? No! 56 00:03:32,821 --> 00:03:37,222 He's a Hollywood figure, remarkable Hollywood figure, Cedric Gibbons. 57 00:03:37,222 --> 00:03:40,982 He was the premier art director/production designer 58 00:03:40,982 --> 00:03:43,462 of Hollywood, for MGM. 59 00:03:43,462 --> 00:03:47,143 And in 1928 he was asked to design something. What might that have been? 60 00:03:47,143 --> 00:03:48,943 Gone With The Wind? No. The Oscar? 61 00:03:48,943 --> 00:03:51,383 Thank you! The Oscar! 62 00:03:51,383 --> 00:03:55,543 And not only did he design it, he won 11 of them. 63 00:03:55,543 --> 00:03:58,464 He was nominated for 36 and won 11. 64 00:03:58,464 --> 00:04:02,584 Almost all Oscars, as you know, were won by Walt Disney who won how many? 65 00:04:02,584 --> 00:04:05,264 109. 26! 66 00:04:05,264 --> 00:04:09,305 And Cedric Gibbons won 11, and all the rest went to Emma Thompson. 67 00:04:10,705 --> 00:04:12,625 Oh, look! There she is! 68 00:04:14,185 --> 00:04:17,026 A lovely winning smile. Do you remember which one that was? 69 00:04:17,026 --> 00:04:19,026 That's Sense And Sensibility. 70 00:04:19,026 --> 00:04:21,906 Or Howard's End? Howard's Way. I nearly said Howard's Way! 71 00:04:21,906 --> 00:04:24,506 That interesting boat script I wrote! 72 00:04:24,506 --> 00:04:26,907 But you were nominated for three others. 73 00:04:26,907 --> 00:04:29,747 Yes. Do you remember what they were? 74 00:04:29,747 --> 00:04:31,147 Umm... Remains Of The Day. 75 00:04:31,147 --> 00:04:33,507 Remains Of The Day. In The Name Of The Father. 76 00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:35,228 Best Supporting Actress. 77 00:04:35,228 --> 00:04:38,708 And you were also nominated for Sense And Sensibility. Oh, yes! 78 00:04:38,708 --> 00:04:42,348 OK, I had forgotten that. I can remember all the GCSEs I did. 79 00:04:44,989 --> 00:04:49,229 I would definitely remember every Oscar nomination! 80 00:04:49,229 --> 00:04:53,149 I think when the rest of my brain had melted 81 00:04:53,149 --> 00:04:57,950 and I had to be fed through a tube, those five names of films would still come out. 82 00:04:57,950 --> 00:05:00,670 The best film one year was Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs. 83 00:05:00,670 --> 00:05:04,551 Do you know what... They altered the Oscar to some extent. They made him a midget? 84 00:05:04,551 --> 00:05:07,311 They made him one big one and seven little ones. 85 00:05:07,311 --> 00:05:11,351 It must have been a grim year because that is a boring cartoon. 86 00:05:13,792 --> 00:05:17,272 I made an Oscar. I actually made a genuine Oscar. 87 00:05:17,272 --> 00:05:19,512 I went to the factory in Chicago where they were made. 88 00:05:19,512 --> 00:05:21,152 Is it a mould, like a jelly mould? 89 00:05:21,152 --> 00:05:23,553 There is a mould, but it is pure metal. Britannium. 90 00:05:23,553 --> 00:05:26,993 Or do you have to hue it over weeks? You give it a damn good buffing. 91 00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:30,233 If you have to hue it, and I'm not being rude, but if I was winning 92 00:05:30,233 --> 00:05:32,954 an Oscar this year, I'd say, can I have one of the ones 93 00:05:32,954 --> 00:05:37,754 made by the professionals rather than the one Stephen Fry ballsed up?! 94 00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:42,595 I was well supervised. To be honest, I did a bit of buffing. On the bum area, I bet! 95 00:05:42,595 --> 00:05:44,635 And then dipping... 96 00:05:48,595 --> 00:05:51,196 You bad. You very bad man. 97 00:05:53,636 --> 00:05:56,036 A good buttock flossing! 98 00:05:56,036 --> 00:05:59,476 And then dipping him in nickel and then in that gold. 99 00:05:59,476 --> 00:06:04,037 So, you didn't really make one. No, I didn't make him. It's like the Queen pulling a pint. 100 00:06:04,037 --> 00:06:06,997 Basically, that's more or less what it was like. 101 00:06:06,997 --> 00:06:10,918 So, who was the Best Actor in your year you were Best Actress? Al Pacino. 102 00:06:10,918 --> 00:06:13,878 And your other Oscar, of course, was for Best Adapted Screenplay. 103 00:06:13,878 --> 00:06:19,078 Yes. For Sense And Sensibility. I should have won that Oscar, as a matter of fact. 104 00:06:19,078 --> 00:06:21,679 Actually, yes, you should! Yeah. You rescued it. Yeah. 105 00:06:21,679 --> 00:06:25,799 Yes. I had one of those steam powered computers and the screen 106 00:06:25,799 --> 00:06:28,839 had done something to the script. 107 00:06:28,839 --> 00:06:33,560 It had transmogrified into hieroglyphs, into just.... 108 00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:38,800 Not words, not anything that I could recognise, just funny shapes. 109 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:42,281 I got the computer bloke round and he couldn't work it out. 110 00:06:42,281 --> 00:06:48,081 So, finally, I took the computer out of the wall, still in my dressing gown, got in a taxi, went 111 00:06:48,081 --> 00:06:53,802 with the computer round to Stephen's house, set it down and said, please! 112 00:06:53,802 --> 00:06:55,722 Find my script! 113 00:06:55,722 --> 00:06:58,202 And I did it like that, because I'm an actress. 114 00:06:58,202 --> 00:07:01,883 If I'm upset I make sure people know it! 115 00:07:01,883 --> 00:07:07,123 And he said, OK, but it took him seven hours! Hmm, I did that. 116 00:07:07,123 --> 00:07:08,604 APPLAUSE 117 00:07:08,604 --> 00:07:13,524 Advantages of being a nerd. Probably what really happened was 118 00:07:13,524 --> 00:07:16,244 he couldn't do it, and he thought, "Shit, I can't let on." 119 00:07:16,244 --> 00:07:19,845 "I'll quickly write one!" "I'll just write it. 120 00:07:19,845 --> 00:07:24,485 "It will be much quicker if I just adapt the novel." 121 00:07:24,485 --> 00:07:28,686 And I looked at it and I'd forgotten, obviously, because my brain doesn't hold 122 00:07:28,686 --> 00:07:31,246 any information for any length of time at all. 123 00:07:31,246 --> 00:07:34,606 Just looked at it and thought, that's my script and I handed it in. 124 00:07:34,606 --> 00:07:36,807 I'll send the Oscar round tomorrow. 125 00:07:36,807 --> 00:07:39,567 Now, time to test your hearing. 126 00:07:39,567 --> 00:07:42,767 What is this a representation of? 127 00:07:42,767 --> 00:07:44,407 DRIPPING AND SQUELCHING 128 00:07:47,648 --> 00:07:49,768 THWUMP! 129 00:07:51,288 --> 00:07:54,008 It's Roy Chubby Brown eating a hobnob. 130 00:07:56,329 --> 00:07:57,889 It's Gladstone being... 131 00:07:57,889 --> 00:08:01,009 Eating an ice cream and then being beamed up by the Martians. 132 00:08:01,009 --> 00:08:03,769 It's giving birth. Yes! 133 00:08:04,809 --> 00:08:09,890 Brilliant! Brilliant! That's exactly what it is. It is a lamb being born. 134 00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:11,690 God! 135 00:08:11,690 --> 00:08:14,490 In fact, this is a sound effect. 136 00:08:14,490 --> 00:08:16,891 We can actually see the sound being made. 137 00:08:16,891 --> 00:08:19,171 DRIPPING AND SQUELCHING 138 00:08:24,251 --> 00:08:25,292 THWUMP! 139 00:08:25,292 --> 00:08:27,252 LAUGHTER 140 00:08:27,252 --> 00:08:30,892 Has he listened to lambs being born and then done that, or has he said, 141 00:08:30,892 --> 00:08:35,573 no one knows what a lamb being born sounds like, I'll do any old crap. 142 00:08:35,573 --> 00:08:39,133 I'll drop a towel! She is oddly named Lizzie Calf, oddly enough! 143 00:08:39,133 --> 00:08:42,893 And she used to do the sound effects for the Archers, amongst other things. 144 00:08:42,893 --> 00:08:44,694 She's now our sound wizard, 145 00:08:44,694 --> 00:08:48,814 but there is a name to this science of sound effects, as used in movies. 146 00:08:48,814 --> 00:08:53,134 What sound recordists need is clean dialogue and all the sound effects, 147 00:08:53,134 --> 00:08:57,215 footsteps and other noises, guns being cocked and the rustle of clothing, 148 00:08:57,215 --> 00:09:02,495 the lighting of a cigarette, almost all that is done afterwards, by someone called a foley artist. 149 00:09:02,495 --> 00:09:07,496 And here is an example of some of the early foley artists making their noises. 150 00:09:07,496 --> 00:09:09,616 All kinds of different things are used. 151 00:09:09,616 --> 00:09:10,896 If you close your eyes, 152 00:09:10,896 --> 00:09:13,857 let the audience see how it is being made, you see if... 153 00:09:13,857 --> 00:09:15,697 Ah! Ah! Alan! 154 00:09:15,697 --> 00:09:17,857 When I say close your eyes. 155 00:09:17,857 --> 00:09:20,537 When I open them, you won't all have gone, will you? 156 00:09:22,097 --> 00:09:25,978 You close your eyes, we'll let the audience and everyone at home see 157 00:09:25,978 --> 00:09:28,778 some more sounds being made. See if you can see what these are. 158 00:09:28,778 --> 00:09:32,179 SCRAPE! THUD! CLUNK! 159 00:09:32,179 --> 00:09:34,539 So, what was that? A guillotine! 160 00:09:34,539 --> 00:09:36,219 A guillotine, all right. 161 00:09:36,219 --> 00:09:37,819 Very good. How was it made? 162 00:09:37,819 --> 00:09:40,059 With a guillotine and a person! 163 00:09:41,339 --> 00:09:45,820 And a bucket. No, they wanted the sound of cabbages being chopped up, 164 00:09:45,820 --> 00:09:47,300 and so they had to kill a guy. 165 00:09:47,300 --> 00:09:48,940 Oh! Very good! It was indeed. 166 00:09:48,940 --> 00:09:51,661 I had my eyes shut long after the sound had finished. 167 00:09:51,661 --> 00:09:53,581 I am so obedient. It was indeed a cabbage. 168 00:09:53,581 --> 00:09:56,741 You slide a knife along a scaffolding pole and then chop 169 00:09:56,741 --> 00:10:00,181 a cabbage and drop it into the bucket. It's pretty good. 170 00:10:00,181 --> 00:10:02,662 We've got another one. Close your eyes. 171 00:10:02,662 --> 00:10:04,582 CLIP, CLOP, CLIP, CLOP 172 00:10:07,262 --> 00:10:11,143 What was that? Somebody pretending to be a horse! 173 00:10:11,143 --> 00:10:13,583 That sounds exactly like some coconut shells. 174 00:10:13,583 --> 00:10:15,743 Oh! You're so cynical! 175 00:10:15,743 --> 00:10:20,464 That's a two-legged horse wearing some awkward shoes. 176 00:10:20,464 --> 00:10:22,944 EMMA: It's a horse clapping. 177 00:10:25,944 --> 00:10:28,864 Don't you think it sounds like a horse? EMMA: It does! 178 00:10:28,864 --> 00:10:32,865 You've seen it many times in films without knowing it was coconut. 179 00:10:32,865 --> 00:10:34,385 If you see the visual thing, 180 00:10:34,385 --> 00:10:38,945 then it works. Close your eyes. What you think this sound is? 181 00:10:38,945 --> 00:10:42,866 CRACKLING It's fire. Exactly. 182 00:10:42,866 --> 00:10:47,666 They use this for fire ripping through straw. This is a good one. 183 00:10:47,666 --> 00:10:51,187 This is weird because you see it and think no, bollocks. 184 00:10:51,187 --> 00:10:54,267 It's a plain piece of paper coming out of an envelope. 185 00:10:57,467 --> 00:11:02,508 Taking off a shirt? No. This is what they genuinely used at Elstree. 186 00:11:02,508 --> 00:11:05,228 The electric doors in Star Wars! 187 00:11:05,228 --> 00:11:08,429 Paper being taken out of an envelope. As simple as that. 188 00:11:08,429 --> 00:11:13,109 You watch Star Wars now and you think, oh yes, so it is. 189 00:11:13,109 --> 00:11:19,350 We thank our sound expert and apologise if she's in tears having been mocked by David. 190 00:11:19,350 --> 00:11:23,030 I am perfectly willing to accept with the pictures there 191 00:11:23,030 --> 00:11:25,310 you buy the whole effect. 192 00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:28,831 We invite you to use your own sound effects for your YouTube films. 193 00:11:28,831 --> 00:11:31,711 I'm sure you'll come up with all kinds of exciting things... 194 00:11:31,711 --> 00:11:34,671 for vomit and sexual activities and so on. 195 00:11:34,671 --> 00:11:38,792 Now, speaking of soundtracks, where have you heard this before? 196 00:11:38,792 --> 00:11:40,592 MAN SCREAMS 197 00:11:40,592 --> 00:11:44,712 In the green room about half an hour ago. LAUGHTER 198 00:11:44,712 --> 00:11:45,752 Tom And Jerry. 199 00:11:45,752 --> 00:11:48,513 You might have heard it in Tom and Jerry, actually. 200 00:11:48,513 --> 00:11:52,833 You might well. It's a sound effect scream that has been... 201 00:11:52,833 --> 00:11:56,274 library-stocked and has been used repeatedly... 202 00:11:56,274 --> 00:12:00,194 Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, I'm gonna have to give you points, this is right. 203 00:12:00,194 --> 00:12:03,474 It's been used, it's estimated, in about 140 movies, 204 00:12:03,474 --> 00:12:07,275 including every Indiana Jones movie, 205 00:12:07,275 --> 00:12:12,155 every Star Wars movie, it's been used in... ALAN: The Likely Lads. 206 00:12:12,155 --> 00:12:13,715 LAUGHTER 207 00:12:13,715 --> 00:12:15,796 Madagascar, Planet Of The Apes, 208 00:12:15,796 --> 00:12:20,196 The Lord Of The Rings - only in two of the Lord Of The Rings trilogy, oddly enough... 209 00:12:20,196 --> 00:12:24,837 Imagine haw disappointed they were. "We'll have to go elsewhere for the third film.". 210 00:12:24,837 --> 00:12:26,877 Reservoir Dogs... 211 00:12:26,877 --> 00:12:31,317 Batman Returns, Poltergeist... Did they use it as a joke? "We've gotta use that scream,"? 212 00:12:31,317 --> 00:12:34,638 You're kind of right. It was used as a stock scream, 213 00:12:34,638 --> 00:12:40,478 and a guy called Ben Burtt, who was a young, up-and-coming sound-effects editor, 214 00:12:40,478 --> 00:12:46,279 heard it in lots of films, and he is now a very successful sound editor, and he and his friends 215 00:12:46,279 --> 00:12:50,919 whenever they sound edit a film, to put this scream in somewhere. 216 00:12:50,919 --> 00:12:54,600 Hence, it is in all kinds of movies. On YouTube, 217 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:57,680 someone has compiled 23 different films with the scream, 218 00:12:57,680 --> 00:13:02,080 showing the scream in it. We can't show it, cos we'd have to pay all kinds of money, 219 00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:06,041 but I wish we could. Anyway, it's believed to be a man called Sheb Wooley singing, 220 00:13:06,041 --> 00:13:09,521 and it starts on the note of C - there's Sheb Wooley - 221 00:13:09,521 --> 00:13:14,442 it descends through four semitones to G sharp, and they used it in a film called Distant Drums 222 00:13:14,442 --> 00:13:17,642 in 1951. It's called the Wilhelm scream, for some reason, 223 00:13:17,642 --> 00:13:20,802 and you can hear it again. C, semitones, G sharp. 224 00:13:20,802 --> 00:13:22,363 WILHELM SCREAM PLAYS 225 00:13:22,363 --> 00:13:25,683 It's quite a warm scream, isn't it? It is. Yeah. 226 00:13:25,683 --> 00:13:28,363 You're not really traumatised by it. No. 227 00:13:28,363 --> 00:13:32,044 It's not as if you're being raped by a warthog or anything. LAUGHTER 228 00:13:32,044 --> 00:13:35,844 The most ubiquitous line of film dialogue - do you know what that was? 229 00:13:35,844 --> 00:13:39,804 Apparently, this line - in a survey of 150 American feature films 230 00:13:39,804 --> 00:13:45,885 from '38 to '74, showed it was used at least once in 84% of Hollywood productions. 231 00:13:45,885 --> 00:13:47,965 More than once in 17%... 232 00:13:47,965 --> 00:13:50,845 INDIANA JONES THEME PLAYS Is it... 233 00:13:50,845 --> 00:13:54,606 "Why are you telling me this?"? That's a very good one. 234 00:13:54,606 --> 00:13:57,966 That is one of the really annoying cliches, isn't it? Like... 235 00:13:57,966 --> 00:14:01,207 The other one that really annoys me is, "Don't you die on me!" 236 00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:03,127 LAUGHTER 237 00:14:03,127 --> 00:14:06,407 It almost never means actually ON the person, does it? Yeah! 238 00:14:06,407 --> 00:14:08,927 "I got a bad feeling about this..."! Oh...! 239 00:14:08,927 --> 00:14:15,168 Shut up! "Is that an order, Sir?", Well, since you asked me, Lieutenant, yes, it is." 240 00:14:15,168 --> 00:14:18,568 The one that, oh, I just really want to punch is, you know, 241 00:14:18,568 --> 00:14:23,529 when they're about to go on an operation and they go, "Showtime!"... Oh...! Oh, dear. No. 242 00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:27,609 "This is what we trained for!" "Gentlemen, we have a situation here." Or the... 243 00:14:27,609 --> 00:14:32,610 The other one that really drives me mad is, "I'm getting too old for this shit."! Christ! 244 00:14:32,610 --> 00:14:34,090 Christ! 245 00:14:34,090 --> 00:14:38,890 Apparently, the line is, "Let's get outta here,". Oh, yeah. Anyway... 246 00:14:38,890 --> 00:14:44,011 That, what you heard, was the Wilhelm scream, the most ubiquitous sound effect in film history. 247 00:14:44,011 --> 00:14:49,932 Speaking of ubiquitous sounds, what's the good thing about an English accent in Hollywood? 248 00:14:49,932 --> 00:14:52,412 You are always a villain. That's basically it. 249 00:14:52,412 --> 00:14:55,212 Or you're gay. Often a gay villain! 250 00:14:55,212 --> 00:14:59,293 Or people think you are Australian so you get bar work! 251 00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:02,653 A high octane version of the English villain, 252 00:15:02,653 --> 00:15:06,733 is to get an English villain to play a German villain. 253 00:15:06,733 --> 00:15:08,774 As in the Die Hard films. 254 00:15:08,774 --> 00:15:14,414 Die Hard has some of my favourite dialogue of our great friend Alan Rickman. 255 00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:17,214 When he says, after he's shot the man in the head, 256 00:15:17,214 --> 00:15:22,855 "Mr Takagi, I will count to three, there will not be a four." 257 00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:25,535 And then he goes downstairs and says, 258 00:15:25,535 --> 00:15:30,496 "Mr Takagi won't be joining us for the rest of his life." 259 00:15:30,496 --> 00:15:31,776 LAUGHTER 260 00:15:31,776 --> 00:15:34,816 Very good! That was brilliant. 261 00:15:34,816 --> 00:15:38,297 APPLAUSE 262 00:15:38,297 --> 00:15:41,177 There you see him, on the left there in Die Hard, and on the right? 263 00:15:41,177 --> 00:15:46,217 Robin Hood. Giving us his Sherriff of Nottingham. The extraordinary thing about Robin Hood, 264 00:15:46,217 --> 00:15:51,338 the most famous Robin Hood movies, I suppose, are the Errol Flynn one and the Kevin Costner one, 265 00:15:51,338 --> 00:15:58,539 both basically played him as an American... Kevin Costner made no bones about it! Completely American. 266 00:15:58,539 --> 00:16:00,699 Just come straight from the airport. Yeah. 267 00:16:00,699 --> 00:16:05,620 In a Virgin limo service, putting his tights on in the back...! 268 00:16:08,220 --> 00:16:10,940 To be honest, I can't think it would be a better film 269 00:16:10,940 --> 00:16:14,500 if he was struggling with a kind of Dick Van Dyke, Cockney accent... 270 00:16:16,501 --> 00:16:20,661 I just wonder, genuinely, is it because we're too good-natured to moan about it? 271 00:16:20,661 --> 00:16:24,541 We're the last country left who won't scream, "Racism!". Exactly. 272 00:16:24,541 --> 00:16:29,062 We don't shout, "It's so racist to make us the villain. Or is it that, the villains 273 00:16:29,062 --> 00:16:31,742 are kind of... have to be fiendishly clever, 274 00:16:31,742 --> 00:16:36,063 and they suspect us of something Machiavellian, deep down somewhere? 275 00:16:36,063 --> 00:16:40,303 Always. And tyrannical, cos we are the country they fought, originally, 276 00:16:40,303 --> 00:16:43,823 to create their democracy. And we're essentially unwholesome. Yes. 277 00:16:43,823 --> 00:16:48,904 Really. Unwholesome. And we have bad teeth. That's the thing they really can't forgive us for. 278 00:16:48,904 --> 00:16:51,864 The British Book Of Teeth in The Simpsons. Alan's got great teeth, 279 00:16:51,864 --> 00:16:55,185 but he does this thing where he's able to talk without actually 280 00:16:55,185 --> 00:16:58,385 letting his lips touch his teeth. 281 00:16:58,385 --> 00:17:00,265 So... 282 00:17:00,265 --> 00:17:04,026 Alan is so good at playing villains, as you all know, 283 00:17:04,026 --> 00:17:06,386 but he HATES being good at playing villains. 284 00:17:06,386 --> 00:17:10,986 He wants to play the lovely guy in the white shirt... He did, in Sense And Sensibility. 285 00:17:10,986 --> 00:17:13,987 As Colonel Brandon, absolutely. But he was at a party once, 286 00:17:13,987 --> 00:17:17,907 and kids are fantastic, they always say the thing they're not meant to say, 287 00:17:17,907 --> 00:17:19,787 and this kid said to him, "Alan?" 288 00:17:19,787 --> 00:17:22,227 SINISTER, AS ALAN RICKMAN: "Yes?" 289 00:17:23,908 --> 00:17:28,668 "Why d'you always play villains?" Whoo! You know, the last thing you're meant to say to him! 290 00:17:28,668 --> 00:17:32,349 And Alan went, "I don't play villains... 291 00:17:32,349 --> 00:17:36,629 "I play very interesting people." 292 00:17:38,589 --> 00:17:40,829 I'm going to give you a few English actors, 293 00:17:40,829 --> 00:17:43,790 Can you to tell me the villains they have played in movies? 294 00:17:43,790 --> 00:17:46,430 Peter Cushing. JOHN'S BUZZER RINGS OUT 295 00:17:46,430 --> 00:17:49,070 I don't know. Well, don't buzz! 296 00:17:49,070 --> 00:17:51,151 Let other people have a chance. Yes? 297 00:17:51,151 --> 00:17:53,871 Dracula. No, I don't think he ever played Dracula. 298 00:17:53,871 --> 00:17:55,871 Not in a Hollywood movie, certainly. 299 00:17:55,871 --> 00:17:58,871 Is it Tarkin? Very good. The Grand Moff Tarkin. 300 00:17:58,871 --> 00:18:00,351 Steven Berkoff? 301 00:18:00,351 --> 00:18:04,232 Beverly Hills Cop. Very good. 302 00:18:04,232 --> 00:18:07,032 And Rambo, in fact, if you remember. Christopher Lee? 303 00:18:07,032 --> 00:18:11,433 Hollywood movies. Scaramanga, The Man With The Golden Gun. 304 00:18:11,433 --> 00:18:15,073 He did. That's kind of made in Britain too, but actually... 305 00:18:15,073 --> 00:18:18,233 He was a bad wizard in the Hobbit films. 306 00:18:18,233 --> 00:18:21,714 He was an awfully naughty wizard! A turncoat wizard. 307 00:18:21,714 --> 00:18:24,954 He was very angry not to be cast in the third one. Furious. 308 00:18:24,954 --> 00:18:27,154 He hardly catches a break. 309 00:18:27,154 --> 00:18:28,914 He was also in Star Wars, apparently. 310 00:18:28,914 --> 00:18:31,355 Was Christopher Plummer British? 311 00:18:31,355 --> 00:18:33,675 Canadian, actually. 312 00:18:33,675 --> 00:18:39,956 I had a friend who worked with Christopher Plummer in a film and he arrived at the airport. 313 00:18:39,956 --> 00:18:43,796 The runner was there to say, "Go straight to the bar of the hotel. 314 00:18:43,796 --> 00:18:47,236 "Chris will be there, don't mention The Sound Of Music." 315 00:18:47,236 --> 00:18:49,517 "OK, OK, OK." 316 00:18:49,517 --> 00:18:54,637 So he stays around, into the bar, Christopher Plummer comes in 317 00:18:54,637 --> 00:18:59,278 and half an hour later he was playing Edelweiss on the piano. Weird. 318 00:18:59,278 --> 00:19:02,798 What did he see in the Baroness in the first place, she was vile! 319 00:19:02,798 --> 00:19:04,958 LAUGHTER 320 00:19:04,958 --> 00:19:09,039 She was a bit stiff and grumpy and not very good with children. 321 00:19:09,039 --> 00:19:14,359 Do think it would have been better if they'd made the Baroness obviously wonderful and gorgeous? 322 00:19:14,359 --> 00:19:17,079 Why's he shagging the staff?! 323 00:19:17,079 --> 00:19:22,680 She could have been Mary Poppins and then they could have had a Maria/Mary face-off. 324 00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:26,320 Like Alien Versus Predator. 325 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:31,441 "I can get hat stands out of carpetbags!" 326 00:19:32,401 --> 00:19:36,762 "I can make a whole outfit out of curtains in two hours for six people." 327 00:19:36,762 --> 00:19:40,482 "And snap my fingers and make drawers open and close." 328 00:19:40,482 --> 00:19:43,722 "I can defeat the Nazis." And then... 329 00:19:43,722 --> 00:19:46,042 That's my trump card played. 330 00:19:46,723 --> 00:19:48,923 The thing that's never mentioned in that film 331 00:19:48,923 --> 00:19:51,683 is that he's an old naval captain, 332 00:19:51,683 --> 00:19:54,363 presumably from the Austro-Hungarian navy, 333 00:19:54,363 --> 00:19:57,764 now living in a country with no coastline. 334 00:19:57,764 --> 00:20:02,324 He'd be quite pissed off turning up for work, first day. 335 00:20:02,324 --> 00:20:04,084 Rowing round the lake! 336 00:20:04,084 --> 00:20:09,485 Just signed the Treaty Of Versailles, very exciting, what next? 337 00:20:09,485 --> 00:20:14,125 What's funny about The Sound Of Music is, it's the sort of picture Hitler would have liked, 338 00:20:14,125 --> 00:20:16,926 if only the people hadn't been running from the Nazis. 339 00:20:16,926 --> 00:20:20,406 Yeah, it probably would have appealed to his sentimental... Yeah. 340 00:20:20,406 --> 00:20:24,006 It's got that little Austrian dance. I did a film with Julie Andrews, 341 00:20:24,006 --> 00:20:27,047 and it happened to be around the time there was the, erm... 342 00:20:27,047 --> 00:20:31,287 the total eclipse. It was supposed to be in Cornwall, but we were filming in the Isle Of Man, 343 00:20:31,287 --> 00:20:36,848 and we went on to a hillside to watch the total eclipse, and half the population of the Isle Of Man, 344 00:20:36,848 --> 00:20:41,648 while this great cosmic miracle was going on, was staring at Julie Andrews, going... 345 00:20:43,248 --> 00:20:45,849 The sun had gone out, "We can't see her now,"! 346 00:20:47,409 --> 00:20:52,129 Just our luck! The one day Julie Andrews turns up, and there's an eclipse! 347 00:20:55,570 --> 00:20:59,250 I watched it on TV, it wasn't happening where I was. It was on Sky News, 348 00:20:59,250 --> 00:21:03,451 And this is the thing, they really do know to the second when it's gonna happen, 349 00:21:03,451 --> 00:21:07,691 and they still went there an hour early to film, 350 00:21:07,691 --> 00:21:10,371 and, er, and then they showed a replay of it, 351 00:21:10,371 --> 00:21:15,132 and the anchorman said, "And there's our old friend, the Moon, very much... 352 00:21:15,132 --> 00:21:16,772 "getting in the way". 353 00:21:20,732 --> 00:21:24,453 Anyway, the point is if you are an English actor, 354 00:21:24,453 --> 00:21:28,293 there is a good living to be made being beaten up by American action stars. 355 00:21:28,293 --> 00:21:32,214 Now, speaking of stiff upper lips, what does it tell you about an Englishman 356 00:21:32,214 --> 00:21:35,094 if he spells his name with a double-F at the front? 357 00:21:35,094 --> 00:21:37,494 He's from the 15th century, I'd have thought. 358 00:21:37,494 --> 00:21:39,294 Er...might be... 359 00:21:39,294 --> 00:21:41,935 Is it...? OK, this is a bit of a reach... 360 00:21:41,935 --> 00:21:49,215 Once upon a time, there was a posh man with a son who'd developed a stammer... 361 00:21:49,215 --> 00:21:51,456 LAUGHTER ..and his name was Foulkes, 362 00:21:51,456 --> 00:21:57,456 and, erm, in order to prevent himself being embarrassed by his poor son who had a stammer, 363 00:21:57,456 --> 00:22:04,217 he put two Fs in front of it so that everyone who had to introduce him had to go, "F-F-Foulkes," 364 00:22:04,217 --> 00:22:08,857 as well, as his son. He'd have to conceal that fact from his son, 365 00:22:08,857 --> 00:22:12,538 otherwise his son would try and pronounce both Fs... Oh, no! 366 00:22:12,538 --> 00:22:15,498 So it would be, "F-F-F-F-F-F..." 367 00:22:15,498 --> 00:22:19,498 No, the fact is, people think it's rather posh, but it's not. 368 00:22:19,498 --> 00:22:23,939 It's not a double-F as in music? Fortissimo! You're supposed to say the word very loudly. 369 00:22:23,939 --> 00:22:26,819 No, it's a mistake that was made in the 18th century, 370 00:22:26,819 --> 00:22:32,860 by people looking at their family records, and the way a capital F was hand-written in records, 371 00:22:32,860 --> 00:22:37,620 it looked like two small Fs, and there are people to this day who have the two small Fs. 372 00:22:37,620 --> 00:22:41,141 It's just a mistranscription. They never put it in capital letters? 373 00:22:41,141 --> 00:22:45,381 They never do, no. Two small Fs, that's how it's officially spelt. 374 00:22:45,381 --> 00:22:48,301 So if your ancestors spelt their names with a double-F, 375 00:22:48,301 --> 00:22:51,302 they were Welsh or semi-literate thickos, I'm afraid. 376 00:22:51,302 --> 00:22:55,742 So, now, fame, at last. What on Earth is going on here, please? 377 00:22:55,742 --> 00:22:59,583 WOMAN SINGS, ACCOMPANIED BY PIANO Nothing to see. 378 00:22:59,583 --> 00:23:02,703 # ..Showbusiness... # 379 00:23:02,703 --> 00:23:07,383 Florence Foster Jenkins. Very good, it is. Tell us about her. Florence Foster Jenkins was 380 00:23:07,383 --> 00:23:09,824 a very rich heiress. Yeah. 381 00:23:09,824 --> 00:23:12,664 She's actually a man. LAUGHTER 382 00:23:12,664 --> 00:23:16,384 She does seem... Her breasts have tumbled rather far south, haven't they? 383 00:23:16,384 --> 00:23:19,505 Um... JOHN: She used to rent out Carnegie Hall 384 00:23:19,505 --> 00:23:24,785 to do recitations... In fact, I think Maureen Lipman did a show about her. 385 00:23:24,785 --> 00:23:28,626 She might well have done. She just wanted to be an opera singer? 386 00:23:28,626 --> 00:23:34,106 Rich enough to rent out... It became a cult, she could have sold out Carnegie Hall ten times over. 387 00:23:34,106 --> 00:23:37,427 Cole Porter was so enamoured of her that he wrote a song for her. 388 00:23:37,427 --> 00:23:41,907 Did she not notice the whole audience pissing themselves...? 389 00:23:41,907 --> 00:23:44,907 LAUGHTER Yes, but she rose magnificently above it. 390 00:23:44,907 --> 00:23:49,468 She did say, "Some say that I couldn't sing, but no-one can say that I DIDN'T sing,". 391 00:23:51,108 --> 00:23:56,749 She was left a great deal of money when her father died. She sang at Carnegie Hall at the age of 76. 392 00:23:56,749 --> 00:24:00,909 Sold out weeks in advance. 2,000 were turned away at the door. 393 00:24:00,909 --> 00:24:06,750 And it was 20 apiece, so she actually made a lot of money. That's about 400 a ticket in modern money. 394 00:24:06,750 --> 00:24:08,710 If you paid to see that show... Yeah. 395 00:24:08,710 --> 00:24:12,310 ..you'd think... At the first bit, you'd laugh, think she's terrible, 396 00:24:12,310 --> 00:24:15,391 but the joke doesn't really go anywhere. No. By the end, 397 00:24:15,391 --> 00:24:20,631 you'd just be so bored, listening to this terrible singer. It was visually quite interesting. 398 00:24:20,631 --> 00:24:23,311 She did her own costumes and would change them regularly, 399 00:24:23,311 --> 00:24:26,632 telling the audience not to go away while she changed! LAUGHTER 400 00:24:26,632 --> 00:24:29,752 I used to do that to him, actually. 401 00:24:29,752 --> 00:24:33,712 Make sure that he couldn't get out when I was changing. You did. Yeah. 402 00:24:33,712 --> 00:24:36,713 Cos it was very good fun. She used to show me her "breests". 403 00:24:36,713 --> 00:24:39,913 Very embarrassing. This fantastic effect I used to have on him, 404 00:24:39,913 --> 00:24:43,313 I could make... I could do it now, but I'm not going to... 405 00:24:43,313 --> 00:24:48,954 AH! I could make him scream. No, don't. Not just... Not like that scream that we just heard, 406 00:24:48,954 --> 00:24:52,434 but a real, actual, sort of, scream of terror, 407 00:24:52,434 --> 00:24:57,235 and fright, um, just by appearing nude at the top of his stairs. 408 00:24:57,235 --> 00:24:59,435 LAUGHTER And doing what I like to do, 409 00:24:59,435 --> 00:25:04,436 which was locking all the doors at the bottom, so that when he tried to get out, 410 00:25:04,436 --> 00:25:08,636 as I came down the stairs, going, "Yes! Baby...! 411 00:25:08,636 --> 00:25:12,636 "They're all yours!", he couldn't get away. And by the end of which, 412 00:25:12,636 --> 00:25:16,957 he was in a state of such extreme panic, and it's great to make someone very clever, 413 00:25:16,957 --> 00:25:20,397 um, fall apart like that. I... LAUGHTER 414 00:25:20,397 --> 00:25:23,558 Well, publicity is what it's all about, there's no sense 415 00:25:23,558 --> 00:25:26,398 hiding a light under a bushel, which prompts me to ask, 416 00:25:26,398 --> 00:25:29,838 how did the ancient Greeks cover up the naughty bits on their statues? 417 00:25:29,838 --> 00:25:31,318 They didn't, did they? 418 00:25:31,318 --> 00:25:32,999 That's the point, they didn't. 419 00:25:32,999 --> 00:25:36,039 Then the Victorians chipped them all off. 420 00:25:36,039 --> 00:25:39,599 Earlier than the Victorians. In the 16th century, it started happening. 421 00:25:39,599 --> 00:25:42,080 Chipped them off? Chipped the willies off. 422 00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:44,640 I collect Greek willies! Yup. 423 00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:50,640 In some antique shop somewhere, there will be a huge barrel of Greek willies. 424 00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:52,561 Help yourself, I'm giving them free! 425 00:25:54,001 --> 00:25:55,921 Spent £40, you get a willy! 426 00:25:55,921 --> 00:25:58,441 It's 3,000 years old. 427 00:25:59,441 --> 00:26:04,082 There is a room in the Vatican which contains the chipped off bits. 428 00:26:04,082 --> 00:26:07,242 There is a proud Greek statue. 429 00:26:07,242 --> 00:26:10,122 Is he about to bash himself on the cock?! 430 00:26:13,843 --> 00:26:16,043 ARGH! 431 00:26:16,043 --> 00:26:20,924 Make yourself attractive, it shows you are really ready. 432 00:26:20,924 --> 00:26:26,924 It was about 1860 they started putting those pervy-looking cabbage leaves round them. 433 00:26:26,924 --> 00:26:30,005 It was really the Reformation and Counter Reformation in Europe. 434 00:26:30,005 --> 00:26:35,685 They had these people like Calvin and Savonarola who was a fierce proponent of all things pure. 435 00:26:35,685 --> 00:26:41,766 Suddenly, having been a wild place, everything became incredibly... It was like 1950s America. 436 00:26:41,766 --> 00:26:46,366 You see those there... That reminds me of Ruskin marrying Effie Gray. 437 00:26:46,366 --> 00:26:50,927 He, the great Victorian art critic, you know, who married this very young girl, 438 00:26:50,927 --> 00:26:53,927 and on the wedding night, um, was... 439 00:26:53,927 --> 00:26:57,727 Couldn't...have anything to do with her, cos she...he didn't know 440 00:26:57,727 --> 00:27:01,088 that naked women had... had pubic hair, had hair. 441 00:27:01,088 --> 00:27:04,568 He thought they all looked... Like that. ..like that. 442 00:27:04,568 --> 00:27:11,129 He didn't shag her for seven years, and finally she thought, "Hang on, I'm not being shagged here," 443 00:27:11,129 --> 00:27:16,129 and they divorced. But, in fact, the sad thing about that story is that it's not true. 444 00:27:16,129 --> 00:27:19,090 It's a lovely... It first appeared in the 1960s, this idea 445 00:27:19,090 --> 00:27:24,250 that Ruskin didn't know that women had pubes, and was shocked by the idea of it and vomited, you know... 446 00:27:24,250 --> 00:27:29,211 It's true he didn't shag her, for seven years. It seems to be so. The ironic thing now, Stephen, is, 447 00:27:29,211 --> 00:27:32,491 women generally DON'T have pubes anymore. Well, indeed. 448 00:27:32,491 --> 00:27:36,652 This is right. I kind of have a slightly fond memory of pubes, from the '80s. 449 00:27:36,652 --> 00:27:40,892 LAUGHTER It's something called a Peruvian, isn't it? Something like that. 450 00:27:40,892 --> 00:27:47,093 The excuse, apparently, is that pants are too small. You can't get your Yorkshire Terrier in the pants. 451 00:27:47,093 --> 00:27:49,973 Big pants, nice bush. What's wrong with that? 452 00:27:49,973 --> 00:27:51,853 LAUGHTER Seems fine to me. 453 00:27:51,853 --> 00:27:55,173 Do you wax yourself down there, darling? D'you want to see...? 454 00:27:55,173 --> 00:27:58,054 NO, I DON'T WANT TO SEE!! No, I do not...! 455 00:27:58,054 --> 00:28:00,094 APPLAUSE 456 00:28:00,094 --> 00:28:02,894 And you know I'd do it. I know you would! 457 00:28:02,894 --> 00:28:07,975 She would, she'd envelop me in her skirt! Lock the doors! Lock the doors! 458 00:28:07,975 --> 00:28:11,455 Oh, ye are faint of heart, leave immediately. 459 00:28:11,455 --> 00:28:13,335 Not you. 460 00:28:13,335 --> 00:28:16,616 What's the thing...? This is the new thing... 461 00:28:16,616 --> 00:28:20,456 Now, are they - is this true - bleaching bumholes? 462 00:28:20,456 --> 00:28:23,216 Oh, no. Is that right? Yes, bleaching them, in LA. 463 00:28:23,216 --> 00:28:26,577 David? I don't know why I'm looking at you...! LAUGHTER 464 00:28:26,577 --> 00:28:30,097 That happens. It's true? Yup. Yup. What...What...? To what end? 465 00:28:31,897 --> 00:28:35,138 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I... 466 00:28:35,138 --> 00:28:38,298 To a... To a pinker, cleaner end. Hm. 467 00:28:38,298 --> 00:28:41,658 I dunno... The porn stars do. The porn stars bleach their... 468 00:28:41,658 --> 00:28:43,698 Bum'oles. ..rusty Sherriff's badge. 469 00:28:43,698 --> 00:28:46,259 LAUGHTER 470 00:28:46,259 --> 00:28:47,899 Wow! 471 00:28:47,899 --> 00:28:52,179 At least, for a porn star, it's tax-deductible, I suppose. Yeah. OK, erm... 472 00:28:52,179 --> 00:28:54,900 Anyway, the ancient Greeks went commando. 473 00:28:54,900 --> 00:28:59,820 It was only in the later Middle Ages and Victorian times that fig leaves were placed on statues. 474 00:28:59,820 --> 00:29:03,461 What's so upsetting about this film? 475 00:29:03,461 --> 00:29:06,141 THEME FROM "JAWS" PLAYS 476 00:29:17,702 --> 00:29:20,342 MUSIC BUILDS TO CRESCENDO AND STOPS ABRUPTLY 477 00:29:20,342 --> 00:29:22,463 Do you know what's going on here? 478 00:29:22,463 --> 00:29:24,223 There are beetles. 479 00:29:24,223 --> 00:29:25,383 Is it a disease? 480 00:29:25,383 --> 00:29:26,543 It's not a disease. 481 00:29:26,543 --> 00:29:29,983 It was 1903 and it was a very popular science-ish film, 482 00:29:29,983 --> 00:29:34,784 but it outraged the cheese producers of the world. 483 00:29:34,784 --> 00:29:36,104 It's bacillus in cheese. 484 00:29:36,104 --> 00:29:37,664 It's cheese mites. 485 00:29:37,664 --> 00:29:41,625 It is little creatures that exist in cheese. 486 00:29:41,625 --> 00:29:45,425 So that's what cinema was like in 1903? 487 00:29:45,425 --> 00:29:50,385 Five hours of footage of cheese mites. 488 00:29:50,385 --> 00:29:54,106 Sounds pretty good. Amongst other things. 489 00:29:54,106 --> 00:29:58,746 I don't know what it did to the sales of cheese. Possibly it wouldn't have helped them. 490 00:29:58,746 --> 00:30:01,227 But it increased the sales of cheap microscopes. 491 00:30:01,227 --> 00:30:05,107 People became fascinated about the little things that go on. 492 00:30:05,107 --> 00:30:07,627 They could see their own little swimming...things... 493 00:30:07,627 --> 00:30:12,548 I remember a documentary that your father Eric Thompson narrated 494 00:30:12,548 --> 00:30:15,388 called something like The Life That Lives In Man. Yes. 495 00:30:15,388 --> 00:30:18,068 It was all about the tiny creatures that live... 496 00:30:18,068 --> 00:30:22,869 like billions and billions of things in our beds all the time even if you 497 00:30:22,869 --> 00:30:25,269 do turn your mattress every month. 498 00:30:25,269 --> 00:30:28,949 I don't think turning a mattress is going to kill the things... 499 00:30:28,949 --> 00:30:31,150 ALL TALK AT ONCE 500 00:30:33,870 --> 00:30:37,230 The Titanic of the insect world is coming. 501 00:30:37,230 --> 00:30:41,551 And in your eyelashes... We all have little creatures living in our eyelashes. 502 00:30:41,551 --> 00:30:44,991 There's one of those adverts that says there are more germs on your 503 00:30:44,991 --> 00:30:46,951 chopping board than on your loo seat. 504 00:30:46,951 --> 00:30:50,232 To which the answer is, clearly that's fine, then. 505 00:30:50,232 --> 00:30:53,712 We are not all dying or having diarrhoea... 506 00:30:53,712 --> 00:30:57,152 We are starting to die because we're cleaning them up too much. 507 00:30:57,152 --> 00:31:02,793 They are saying in the advert the very thing we are selling you is unnecessary. 508 00:31:02,793 --> 00:31:05,033 Exactly! Exactly... 509 00:31:05,033 --> 00:31:08,554 That's exactly... Exactly right, cos it's fine. 510 00:31:08,554 --> 00:31:12,754 The fact is there was a big excitement about this, except from cheese producers 511 00:31:12,754 --> 00:31:17,114 who tried to suppress the film because it showed that in cheese, which is an organic thing, 512 00:31:17,114 --> 00:31:21,275 it contains these special mites which live there and do you no harm at all. 513 00:31:21,275 --> 00:31:22,475 Cheese is a good thing. 514 00:31:22,475 --> 00:31:24,755 Who remembers Charlton Heston? 515 00:31:24,755 --> 00:31:29,756 How was Michelangelo lying when he painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel? 516 00:31:29,756 --> 00:31:32,196 INDIANA JONES THEME Yes? 517 00:31:32,196 --> 00:31:35,636 Didn't he not do it? He didn't do it. He lied about it. 518 00:31:35,636 --> 00:31:39,957 That is the sense of lying we wanted. He didn't lie down to do it, 519 00:31:39,957 --> 00:31:43,197 as he did in the Charlton Heston movie The Agony And The Ecstasy. 520 00:31:43,197 --> 00:31:45,717 Did he jump up and do a bit at a time? 521 00:31:51,038 --> 00:31:54,878 Yeah, he stood on the scaffolding and did it that way and cricked his neck. 522 00:31:54,878 --> 00:31:57,119 Vasari writes about it in his biography. 523 00:31:57,119 --> 00:32:01,639 There is apparently some extraordinary little secret joke 524 00:32:01,639 --> 00:32:05,039 that Michelangelo painted in the fabric behind God. 525 00:32:05,039 --> 00:32:08,560 There is God with a bit of sort of swaggy stuff behind him. 526 00:32:08,560 --> 00:32:13,160 That swaggy stuff, according to at least four professors, 527 00:32:13,160 --> 00:32:17,721 who are neuroscientists, neurosurgeons from four universities... 528 00:32:17,721 --> 00:32:19,721 They are absolutely convinced 529 00:32:19,721 --> 00:32:23,481 that that particular shape, do you know what it might be? 530 00:32:23,481 --> 00:32:24,561 JOHN: Female part? 531 00:32:24,561 --> 00:32:26,202 No, it's not a female part. 532 00:32:26,202 --> 00:32:30,522 For once in QI's life, we're not in the downstairs lady area. 533 00:32:30,522 --> 00:32:32,842 Is it a brain? Brain! 534 00:32:32,842 --> 00:32:36,123 It's the transfer section of the sagittal area of the brain. 535 00:32:36,123 --> 00:32:40,443 What it argues is that he was present at some dissections that were very popular, 536 00:32:40,443 --> 00:32:42,243 but completely illegal 537 00:32:42,243 --> 00:32:45,324 in Italy at this time. 538 00:32:45,324 --> 00:32:50,164 And the suggestion is that his idea of God, one of God's greatest miracles was the human brain 539 00:32:50,164 --> 00:32:53,364 which he had seen sliced through and so he has got, literally, 540 00:32:53,364 --> 00:32:57,565 if you take away the brain from that superimposition... 541 00:32:57,565 --> 00:33:02,205 Seems to be a bit of brain. There's a museum in Oregon, which is dedicated to 542 00:33:02,205 --> 00:33:06,086 replications of the brain made of fabrics. It's an odd kind of museum. 543 00:33:06,086 --> 00:33:08,806 We can actually show you a perfect brain with brain stem 544 00:33:08,806 --> 00:33:13,047 made by some American knitting person. There you are. LAUGHTER 545 00:33:13,047 --> 00:33:15,647 Yeah. Including brain stem, which is impressive. 546 00:33:15,647 --> 00:33:20,927 Are you sure that's just not the most unsuccessful attempt at a cardigan ever? 547 00:33:20,927 --> 00:33:22,688 LAUGHTER 548 00:33:22,688 --> 00:33:28,488 It's something of a disaster. "No, it's meant to. It's a brain." Some mad granny. 549 00:33:28,488 --> 00:33:33,449 It actually, genuinely, has a po-faced warning on the website showing it, 550 00:33:33,449 --> 00:33:38,009 saying it's a perfect reproduction of the brain using applique, embroidery, knitting 551 00:33:38,009 --> 00:33:41,530 and crochet. "While our artists make every effort to ensure accuracy 552 00:33:41,530 --> 00:33:46,450 "we can't accept responsibility for the consequences of using fabric brain art 553 00:33:46,450 --> 00:33:49,650 "as a guide for functional magnetic resonance imaging." 554 00:33:49,650 --> 00:33:51,571 LAUGHTER 555 00:33:51,571 --> 00:33:53,851 Or indeed, home-based surgery. 556 00:33:54,971 --> 00:34:00,371 Either you've got a tumour or they've dropped a stitch. LAUGHTER 557 00:34:00,371 --> 00:34:03,972 Michelangelo may have been lying about his illegal dissecting activities. 558 00:34:03,972 --> 00:34:07,172 Why he'd risk painting a huge piece of incriminating evidence 559 00:34:07,172 --> 00:34:10,172 on the ceiling of the Pope's chapel is anybody's guess. 560 00:34:10,172 --> 00:34:15,453 Which brings us blinking out of the darkened theatre and into the blinding light of General Ignorance. 561 00:34:15,453 --> 00:34:17,173 Fingers on buzzers, please. 562 00:34:17,173 --> 00:34:21,014 What happens to a hedgehog if you remove its fleas? 563 00:34:21,014 --> 00:34:23,814 PEARL AND DEAN JINGLE PLAYS David? It dies. 564 00:34:23,814 --> 00:34:25,734 KLAXON BLARES 565 00:34:25,734 --> 00:34:28,534 David! Davidy-wavedy-woo! 566 00:34:28,534 --> 00:34:32,375 No, there is a myth to this effect, but it's not true at all. 567 00:34:32,375 --> 00:34:37,735 It's perfectly possible if you covered it with anti-dog flea powder it would die from the powder, 568 00:34:37,735 --> 00:34:40,176 but not from the lack of fleas. 569 00:34:40,176 --> 00:34:43,936 They're very happy with their fleas. It doesn't kill them, with or without. 570 00:34:43,936 --> 00:34:46,096 What mustn't you feed hedgehogs? 571 00:34:46,096 --> 00:34:50,817 Bread and milk. Exactly. People do it and it gives them diarrhoea and they dry out. 572 00:34:50,817 --> 00:34:55,457 You shouldn't really feed bread and milk to any mammal, including humans. 573 00:34:55,457 --> 00:34:58,057 There is a Radio 4 show... Oh, come off it! 574 00:34:58,057 --> 00:35:01,418 You shouldn't feed humans bread and milk. Not really. What do you mean, 575 00:35:01,418 --> 00:35:04,738 "Not really?" It's absolutely, demonstrably fine. 576 00:35:04,738 --> 00:35:06,898 No, it's not very good for you. It's fine! 577 00:35:06,898 --> 00:35:11,899 We've been drinking milk and eating bread for ages, why is it suddenly a massive problem?! 578 00:35:11,899 --> 00:35:14,499 "We're actually supposed to live till we're 250 579 00:35:14,499 --> 00:35:20,500 "but we've been eating all this poisonous bread and milk all the time and can barely limp past 98." 580 00:35:20,500 --> 00:35:23,700 LAUGHTER It's just ridiculous! 581 00:35:23,700 --> 00:35:27,781 Of course we're supposed to eat bread and milk. Not JUST bread and milk. 582 00:35:27,781 --> 00:35:31,501 Poor Alan, don't bully him. Poor Alan. 583 00:35:31,501 --> 00:35:34,221 You shake hands and be friends. Sorry, Alan. 584 00:35:34,221 --> 00:35:39,542 Despite what you may have heard on Radio 4's programme... Oh, yes! 585 00:35:39,542 --> 00:35:44,102 ..presented by David Mitchell. What's your programme called? The Unbelievable Truth. 586 00:35:44,102 --> 00:35:49,063 One of the unbelievable truths turns out to, unbelievably, to be not true. You claimed... 587 00:35:49,063 --> 00:35:51,503 People give you this shit and you read it out. 588 00:35:51,503 --> 00:35:54,983 Brilliant! I've no idea what you mean(!) 589 00:35:54,983 --> 00:35:57,184 LAUGHTER 590 00:35:57,184 --> 00:36:02,384 Anyway, we are very happy to put you right on your otherwise excellent programme. 591 00:36:02,384 --> 00:36:04,744 Hedgehogs don't mind if they have fleas or not, 592 00:36:04,744 --> 00:36:10,185 although they wouldn't be happy if you poisoned them with flea powder. Shakespeare mentions football twice. 593 00:36:10,185 --> 00:36:15,306 How often does he mention the cricket? He doesn't mention cricket cos it didn't exist then. 594 00:36:15,306 --> 00:36:18,026 KLAXON BLARES Oh... 595 00:36:18,026 --> 00:36:22,306 Cricket certainly existed in the 16th century. Oh, right. 596 00:36:22,306 --> 00:36:27,707 In 1550, there's a mention of cricket and that's before... Are you sure that's not the small insect? 597 00:36:27,707 --> 00:36:30,947 Three times he mentions the insect, you're right. 598 00:36:30,947 --> 00:36:33,467 But not the game. He never mentions the game, to be honest. 599 00:36:33,467 --> 00:36:38,268 To be honest, that "Never" I said was right... LAUGHTER 600 00:36:38,268 --> 00:36:42,108 You asserted on the 26th May, Mr Mitchell 601 00:36:42,108 --> 00:36:45,869 that the game of cricket didn't exist in Shakespeare's time. It did 602 00:36:45,869 --> 00:36:50,069 although he doesn't mention it. So is this whole round...? LAUGHTER 603 00:36:50,069 --> 00:36:53,910 Cos radio shows don't have the same budget, you know...? 604 00:36:53,910 --> 00:36:57,550 If you want to kill off the medium then that's fine, but it brings 605 00:36:57,550 --> 00:36:59,470 a lot of people a lot of pleasure. 606 00:36:59,470 --> 00:37:03,631 Shakespeare mentions the cricket three times though he was, of course, 607 00:37:03,631 --> 00:37:06,271 referring to the insect. But the game did exist in his day 608 00:37:06,271 --> 00:37:08,991 despite what you may have heard on The Unbelievable Truth, 609 00:37:08,991 --> 00:37:12,071 the EXCELLENT Radio 4 programme... It is excellent. 610 00:37:12,071 --> 00:37:15,232 ..which I'd urge you to listen to. What hair do head lice prefer? 611 00:37:15,232 --> 00:37:17,112 INDIANA JONES THEME PLAYS Yes? 612 00:37:17,112 --> 00:37:18,512 Clean hair. 613 00:37:18,512 --> 00:37:21,152 Clean hair. You say "clean hair"? KLAXON BLARES 614 00:37:22,593 --> 00:37:25,393 No, you see, people thought it was dirty hair. 615 00:37:25,393 --> 00:37:28,593 This was repudiated and replaced by another fallacy 616 00:37:28,593 --> 00:37:32,034 that it was clean hair. Any hair will do to a louse, they don't mind. 617 00:37:32,034 --> 00:37:36,794 As long as there's an adequate blood supply, there's no preference for clean or dirty. 618 00:37:36,794 --> 00:37:41,475 The hair of a living person. You have to be alive and have hair. Eurgh. 619 00:37:41,475 --> 00:37:45,275 What are nits? I thought they were the same thing, a slang term for them. 620 00:37:45,275 --> 00:37:48,875 No, nits are the egg cases and they stay on and you can't get rid of them. 621 00:37:48,875 --> 00:37:52,156 They stay on sometimes for weeks after the actual louse has escaped. 622 00:37:52,156 --> 00:37:54,436 Now, how does a flu jab work? 623 00:37:56,116 --> 00:38:00,116 It gives you...a minor version of the illness. 624 00:38:00,116 --> 00:38:02,237 KLAXON BLARES Ooh, no! 625 00:38:02,237 --> 00:38:04,837 That's the point. It doesn't give you a mild case of flu. 626 00:38:04,837 --> 00:38:07,317 Oddly enough it's not that kind of a vaccine. 627 00:38:07,317 --> 00:38:10,878 Most people think it is and they often think they've been given flu 628 00:38:10,878 --> 00:38:16,118 by the jab because it might happen that they get the jab around the time flu's arriving in the country, 629 00:38:16,118 --> 00:38:19,919 and it's perfectly possible to get real flu and you assume 630 00:38:19,919 --> 00:38:23,639 it's the jab that's given it to you. It's an inert, inactive virus 631 00:38:23,639 --> 00:38:27,319 so you have no flu. It doesn't give you flu. But even though it's inert, 632 00:38:27,319 --> 00:38:30,960 your body's... It's still enough to get your antibodies prepared for it 633 00:38:30,960 --> 00:38:33,920 but only for that particular strain. Anyway, 634 00:38:33,920 --> 00:38:37,320 what's the most depressing day of the week? 635 00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:38,680 In research? 636 00:38:38,680 --> 00:38:41,521 Oh... Yes? Monday...? KLAXON BLARES 637 00:38:41,521 --> 00:38:47,321 Ooh! I knew it! Oh, I'm sorry, no. Sort of obvious. Oddly enough, 638 00:38:47,321 --> 00:38:50,962 if you ask people which they think is the most depressing day of the week, 639 00:38:50,962 --> 00:38:56,722 they will say Monday, but if you then ask even the same people, 640 00:38:56,722 --> 00:39:00,403 over a long period of time and a lot of them, on each separate day, 641 00:39:00,403 --> 00:39:05,803 are they more depressed today or yesterday, it overwhelmingly is...? Tuesday. 642 00:39:05,803 --> 00:39:07,363 No. Oddly enough, Wednesday. 643 00:39:07,363 --> 00:39:11,484 You could argue it's because... In fact, there's a French joke, 644 00:39:11,484 --> 00:39:15,404 why should you never arrange a meeting with an Englishman on a Wednesday? 645 00:39:15,404 --> 00:39:19,605 Because you'll screw up TWO weekends of his. 646 00:39:19,605 --> 00:39:21,525 Cos they think of us as very lazy... 647 00:39:21,525 --> 00:39:24,485 Do they?! Do they?! Yes, how dare they(!) 648 00:39:24,485 --> 00:39:29,126 You know, I know, obviously, we're always keen to slag each other off as countries, 649 00:39:29,126 --> 00:39:31,886 but... Lazy's odd. Lazy? I don't think we are, 650 00:39:31,886 --> 00:39:36,647 and we don't think THEY'RE lazy. No, not particularly. They're, sort of, cowardly, 651 00:39:36,647 --> 00:39:38,807 idiotic and... LAUGHTER 652 00:39:38,807 --> 00:39:43,167 ..and riddled with, er... Cheese-eating. Diseases. ..venereal diseases. 653 00:39:43,167 --> 00:39:45,407 LAUGHTER And finally, 654 00:39:45,407 --> 00:39:51,648 bringing us back to film, which popular film, made by the British multinational Innovia Films Ltd, 655 00:39:51,648 --> 00:39:55,809 made more than £360 million this year, and made about as much they year before as well? 656 00:39:55,809 --> 00:39:59,969 Oh... A film? Yup. A FILM film? Made by the Innovia film company. 657 00:39:59,969 --> 00:40:02,569 I've seen it. In fact, you've seen it. 658 00:40:02,569 --> 00:40:07,130 it's not, like, some teach-the-Chinese-English thing? No, no, no. No. Here it is. 659 00:40:08,130 --> 00:40:10,530 Cellophane! Cellophane. AUDIENCE: Ah! 660 00:40:10,530 --> 00:40:13,570 It's British film. That is... 661 00:40:13,570 --> 00:40:16,531 the most successful ever British film? Yeah. 662 00:40:16,531 --> 00:40:19,291 Yeah. Apart from Nanny McPhee, obviously. 663 00:40:19,291 --> 00:40:22,811 I... I have got a question... Yeah? 664 00:40:22,811 --> 00:40:24,491 You know the word, "luvvie"? 665 00:40:24,491 --> 00:40:27,772 Yeah... What do you all feel about it? 666 00:40:27,772 --> 00:40:30,132 I don't get as upset as some actors do. Some say, 667 00:40:30,132 --> 00:40:32,212 "We do a bloody hard job, at work." Yeah. 668 00:40:32,212 --> 00:40:35,973 "We're serious people. We.. You know, it's a coalface, doing a play." 669 00:40:35,973 --> 00:40:40,853 LAUGHTER Mm. "How dare they call us luvvies!" I mean, that's a bit overdone. 670 00:40:40,853 --> 00:40:45,614 But it is a bit tedious when the Daily Mails says, "Luvvie couple..." X, Y and Z, or something. 671 00:40:45,614 --> 00:40:50,054 Well, you get it as well... Do you know what the first citation of it is in the OED? No. 672 00:40:50,054 --> 00:40:52,654 It's you. LAUGHTER, STEPHEN GASPS 673 00:40:52,654 --> 00:40:57,095 No! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 674 00:41:00,455 --> 00:41:05,816 I can't believe... Did I invent the word? Yeah, it was you, at some time in the 1980s. 675 00:41:05,816 --> 00:41:09,616 Did I? I'm ashamed... LAUGHTER 676 00:41:09,616 --> 00:41:11,936 On that bombshell, ladies and gentlemen, 677 00:41:11,936 --> 00:41:16,577 the time has come to tot up the box office takings for this evening and see... 678 00:41:16,577 --> 00:41:19,817 Oh, my word, it's absolutely fascinating! 679 00:41:19,817 --> 00:41:24,298 This week's blockbuster, this week's winner, ladies and gentlemen, 680 00:41:24,298 --> 00:41:25,378 with plus 4 points 681 00:41:25,378 --> 00:41:27,498 is Alan Davies! 682 00:41:27,498 --> 00:41:30,218 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 683 00:41:30,218 --> 00:41:31,698 How about that? 684 00:41:31,698 --> 00:41:33,179 Oh! 685 00:41:33,179 --> 00:41:35,219 Can you believe it? 686 00:41:35,219 --> 00:41:41,059 In second place, a modest success on the art-house circuit, John Sessions with 1! 687 00:41:41,059 --> 00:41:44,140 APPLAUSE 688 00:41:44,140 --> 00:41:47,380 Garnering a few points at a festival you've never heard of, 689 00:41:47,380 --> 00:41:49,900 but a creditable first appearance, minus 10, 690 00:41:49,900 --> 00:41:51,821 Emma Thompson! Minus 10?! 691 00:41:51,821 --> 00:41:53,741 APPLAUSE 692 00:41:53,741 --> 00:41:57,381 And, er...I'm afraid, going straight to video with minus 15, 693 00:41:57,381 --> 00:41:59,461 David Mitchell! 694 00:41:59,461 --> 00:42:01,702 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 695 00:42:05,902 --> 00:42:10,183 And so it's goodnight from Emma, John, David, Alan and me. 696 00:42:10,183 --> 00:42:15,143 And huge thanks to our mothers and agents and everybody who believed in us and made it possible. 697 00:42:15,143 --> 00:42:17,383 You're all wonderful. You're all family. 698 00:42:17,383 --> 00:42:21,184 And I leave you with this account of a successful family publicity stunt. 699 00:42:21,184 --> 00:42:26,184 The great American showman, PT Barnum, created an exhibit entitled The Happy Family - 700 00:42:26,184 --> 00:42:29,785 which consisted of a cage containing a lion, a tiger, a panther 701 00:42:29,785 --> 00:42:32,585 and a baby lamb - which was extremely successful. 702 00:42:32,585 --> 00:42:34,505 And one day he was asked about his plans 703 00:42:34,505 --> 00:42:37,985 for The Happy Family which had toured everywhere. 704 00:42:37,985 --> 00:42:40,946 "The display will become a permanent feature," he said, 705 00:42:40,946 --> 00:42:42,746 "if the supply of lambs holds out." 706 00:42:42,746 --> 00:42:43,786 Goodnight.