1 00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:26,640 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 2 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:36,440 Well, hello, hello, hello, hello, 3 00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:39,440 and welcome to QI, 4 00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:43,400 where this week our food for thought is food. 5 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:47,160 Surfing on a smorgasbord of succulence ce soir 6 00:00:47,160 --> 00:00:49,000 is our delicious panel. 7 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,960 The rarest of truffles, David Mitchell! 8 00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,800 APPLAUSE 9 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:57,280 The choicest of cuts, Rich Hall! 10 00:00:57,280 --> 00:00:59,760 APPLAUSE 11 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:02,320 The strangest of fruit, Jimmy Carr! 12 00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:04,400 APPLAUSE 13 00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:11,560 And something furry that's fallen down the gap between the oven and the dishwasher, Alan Davies! 14 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:13,400 APPLAUSE 15 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:20,800 We're sitting comfortably. Let's ring for service. David goes... 16 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:22,520 TINKLING BELL 17 00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:25,280 Jimmy goes... REVERBERATING GONG 18 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:27,080 Rich goes... 19 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:29,720 CHURCH BELL TOLLS 20 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:33,080 Alan goes... 21 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:34,440 TICKING... 22 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:36,160 ALARM BELL... 23 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:38,080 EXPLOSION 24 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:40,320 Right, 25 00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:44,120 before we tuck in, I've had a tongue down your... I've put a tongue... 26 00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:48,000 You will find a tongue. 27 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:51,120 I've put a tongue. Is there a tongue under there? 28 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:54,400 - Is this what you were referring to? - Yes! 29 00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:57,360 That is what's known as a tongue map. 30 00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:01,440 During the course of this evening's festivities, 31 00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:06,800 I'd like you to fill in the areas of the tongue that are responsible for which flavours. 32 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:10,520 There's a certain number of flavours that the tongue can detect. 33 00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:12,920 So each area is a different area of taste? 34 00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:15,720 So if you had that bit of your tongue lopped off, 35 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:18,200 you wouldn't be able to taste certain stuff? 36 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:20,240 That's the theory of a tongue map. 37 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:24,200 But there are only five things that a tongue can detect. 38 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,560 How does the food know where to go? 39 00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:34,320 While you're thinking about that, let's have a question. 40 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,000 What kind of animal 41 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,360 can you eat without killing it? 42 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:40,200 CHURCH BELL Rich? 43 00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:42,240 Crabs, unintentionally. 44 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:48,880 In the south, in the deep south in the Bayou, 45 00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:50,680 the Bayou or the Bayou, 46 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:53,440 yeah, uh-huh, yeah. 47 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:59,080 The freshwater mussels, they pick them out of the water with tiny pink crabs on 'em 48 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,240 and they're considered a delicacy. 49 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:04,040 They're alive when you swallow 'em. 50 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:08,680 These are things you can eat fully, but you don't kill the animal. 51 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:13,480 Something that comes through like sweetcorn, except it's still running around? 52 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:15,160 Is that what you're saying? 53 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:19,800 - No! - Comes out unharmed. - I'm not saying it passes through the digestive system, no. 54 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:24,160 - But it stays in you and sets up a community. - Is it what they put in Yakult? 55 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:32,400 - Yes! - They witter on about that. - Bifidus digestivum. L-casei immunitas. 56 00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:35,200 David, you know these things. I'm impressed. 57 00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,080 I spend a lot of time watching TV. 58 00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:40,320 Listening to the new made-up science is entertaining! 59 00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:44,120 I love it when they go, "Do you want to buy a tiny pot of off milk?" 60 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:48,640 - "Yes!" - It's such a good deal. "Just try it for nine weeks. 61 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:53,920 "If you don't feel better, give up, cos if everyone tries it for nine weeks, we're in the money." 62 00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:57,320 Do ladies sit around discussing bloating a lot? 63 00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,680 It happens in the adverts. 64 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:03,480 If there are ladies watching this, and talking about bloating, 65 00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:05,680 have they tried farting like a docker? 66 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,840 Cos it works remarkably well for me! 67 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:15,440 - Try to get someone to pull their finger. - Lady bloating is different, I believe. 68 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:17,760 - They bloat differently? - I believe so. 69 00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:21,200 They also talk increasingly on TV about being constipated. 70 00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:24,840 - That's... - The standard of female conversation is plummeting! 71 00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:30,400 That's true! What happened to the little ladies who were so refined? 72 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:34,160 Anyway, in a sense, you're probably right about bacteria 73 00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:37,200 which would possibly pass through and not be killed. 74 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:41,400 But this is actually a delicacy. I'm inclined to give the point to Rich 75 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:45,600 - because he's accidentally right... - As usual! - ..and wrong as well. 76 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:49,160 - That's the story of my life! - It's one of the most popular foods, 77 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:52,480 - almost the national dish, of Florida. - Tapeworm! 78 00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:59,240 Not tapeworm, no. That is a candidate for the answer. 79 00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:05,400 - Didn't that used to be a dieting thing? - Yes. - People went, "Diet and exercise, BLEEP that..." 80 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:11,480 - They'd take a tapeworm pill. - It would eat things. That must work. Why don't we do that. - It works well. 81 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:17,160 There's the awkward moment when the tapeworm gets a bit large. The time has come to remove... 82 00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:23,800 - 10 yards of worm. - Tie a string to it. - You have to tempt it out with a little salty drink... 83 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:27,240 Tempt it with salty drink? This sounds brilliant. 84 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:33,400 That's how they dealt with tapeworm. One end or another you tempt it out with food... 85 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,440 I know which end I'd prefer. 86 00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:37,800 - Yes. - Which end would you...? 87 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:39,840 LAUGHTER 88 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:44,720 - I'm just saying. - You'd rather pull it out your mouth than your arse? 89 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:47,840 I think I'd go arse rather than mouth with tapeworm. 90 00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:52,960 I think I'd have to have experienced a giant worm coming out of both orifices 91 00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:57,000 before I'd decide which was the least unpleasant. 92 00:05:57,000 --> 00:06:02,800 - Tell you what... - It turns out that's a question I don't want to know the answer to. 93 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:08,040 Tempt it up, like that, a bit, get it up there, get its head out, 94 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:12,440 if you don't like it, take the thing away, put it down the other end, 95 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:15,640 it'll do a bit of a U-ey and... 96 00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:19,000 - Which could be agony. - Yeah, could be agony. 97 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:25,760 - A tapeworm turning round inside you. - Oh! - Does it reverse into the appendix and turn round or...? 98 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:29,000 They don't move anyway. They just sit with their mouths open. 99 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:32,960 - And they clamp themselves onto... - The wall of your tummy. 100 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:38,440 - They hang on. - When you tempt them out at the end of your preference, 101 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:42,160 don't you roll it around a biro or something? 102 00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:47,120 You know a lot about this, for a man that's never tried it from either end. 103 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:54,440 It's obligatory to tie it round a biro. You don't HAVE to. Have you heard somewhere if you didn't...? 104 00:06:54,440 --> 00:07:01,600 What I heard is you tempt out its head or whatever, one end comes out, then you roll it round something. 105 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:05,000 There must be nothing more depressing than to hear a tapeworm snap. 106 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:08,480 GROANS "Well, that's stuck down there now." 107 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:13,200 You're thinking of the guinea worm, which is the one you pull out with a biro. 108 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:19,360 - Is it some sort of shellfish/seafood item? Crawfish... - No, it's what... - Crab. - It's a crab. 109 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:22,440 - It's a particular kind of crab. - Hermit crab? 110 00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:25,040 - It's a stone crab. - Right. 111 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:28,200 Stone crab tours are very popular. There is a stone crab. 112 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:31,240 The fishermen catch the crab, they snap off the claws, 113 00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:35,160 and throw the crab back in and it takes a year for its claws to grow back. 114 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:40,120 It's considered a great delicacy, served with butter and mustard sauce, very popular 115 00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:43,440 in restaurants in America, but particularly in Florida. 116 00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:47,000 What does it do for a year, armless, wandering about? 117 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,840 - I mean... - He keeps himself to himself. 118 00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:54,560 The crab is dismayed when it loses its claws. "Now I can't get any work done! 119 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:58,520 "All that stuff. I'm trying to rearrange the sea-bed 120 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,320 "and it'll be a year before I can do anything! 121 00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:03,000 "I'll just have to lay up." 122 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:08,120 It's almost like they're fruit-bearing animals. 123 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,800 That's pretty similar to that. Exactly. 124 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:14,640 An apple tree has its apples taken off and next year it grows more apples. 125 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:16,480 So maybe they're trees. 126 00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:23,680 Just seafoody trees that can walk around. 127 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:29,760 You could have given me as an answer as well, there are certain tribesmen in the Masai Mara in Kenya 128 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:33,120 who will drink the blood of cattle, not kill them, 129 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:37,240 but slit the throat, drink the blood and mix it with milk, actually. 130 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:41,760 Then they bind up the wound so they don't kill the cow. 131 00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:46,160 - But that practice is dying out. - So they think cattle have two drinks. 132 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:50,400 You can have one or the other or a mixture of the two. Fantastic. 133 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:53,360 - These two-drink animals! - Anyway, 134 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:58,240 stone crabs it is. They're returned to the sea alive and their claws have been taken off. 135 00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:01,800 They grow another though it's never as good as the first one. 136 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:05,120 Now, what can you usefully teach an oyster? 137 00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:07,200 TINKLING BELL 138 00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:10,960 - Yes? - Is it not to get its hopes up? 139 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:14,760 - Aw! - Is it to expect lemon juice and death? 140 00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:18,280 "Don't put up a struggle. It'll never work." 141 00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:21,840 Teach it, "When you get lemons, make lemonade." Cheer it on. 142 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:24,920 "When you get lemons, you're seconds away from death. 143 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:27,840 "Cos you're not like that kind of crab." 144 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:31,080 When you think about it, there's not much an oyster can do. 145 00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:35,040 Teach it to blend into parties and make it look like it was invited. 146 00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:39,960 - True. - Cos if you go to a party and there's a snack tray, no-one ever says, 147 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:42,680 "Who invited the oysters?" 148 00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:46,640 True. No-one says that. 149 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:50,320 Teach them to do impressions. They do a good one of a whelk. 150 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:54,200 - They do. - Teach it rudimentary percussion. 151 00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:58,160 If you showed it a castanet, 152 00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:01,480 it would probably think, "I can do that." 153 00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:03,560 You're very close. 154 00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:09,080 What it is is that out of the water, oysters will stay fresh so long as they're closed. 155 00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:13,120 But they live their lives opening and closing their shells 156 00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:15,840 to let nutrients in which they filter. 157 00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:20,360 So the thing is to teach them to keep their mouths closed for long periods of time. 158 00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:21,840 You do that? 159 00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:24,120 Well, the French did. 160 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:27,800 The French simply hit them with metal rods which makes them close. 161 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:30,720 They'd do that for longer and longer and they'd learn 162 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:33,200 cos they know they'll get hit all the time. 163 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:36,600 - The French have a gift for cruelty! - They do, don't they? 164 00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:41,360 But what happened in New York, when the settlers first arrived in what is now New York, 165 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:44,760 there was a profusion of oysters, some a foot long. 166 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:47,840 But they couldn't transport them across the States 167 00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:52,320 because they'd go off cos they had their things open. There was no ice around. 168 00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:55,680 So they would move them up the bank at each tide 169 00:10:55,680 --> 00:11:00,680 so they had more and more time in the air and that would teach them 170 00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:03,880 to have their mouths closed for longer. So they'd learn 171 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,960 to have their mouths closed for longer and longer 172 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:11,360 until they were closed long enough to sell them without making people ill. 173 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:14,120 There we are. That's your oyster. 174 00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:18,440 Now, how did the Mounties use fruit machines to get their man? 175 00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:22,120 - When you say fruit machines, is this a friend of yours? - I'm sorry? 176 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:26,360 Fruit machine! 177 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:28,320 That guy's a fruit machine! 178 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:34,080 You're right in a sense. The fruit machine was a nickname, it wasn't a one-armed bandit. 179 00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:36,600 It'll be something to do with actual fruit. 180 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:39,240 No, it is actually the meaning of it that Jimmy, 181 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:43,640 in his rapacious and, if I may say, politically wildly incorrect way, went for. 182 00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:48,280 Sorry. Well, the Mountie uniform is quite..."fruity". 183 00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:53,680 No. It's easy to forget the Mounties are the Canadian police, 184 00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:56,000 the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 185 00:11:56,000 --> 00:12:00,520 - That's all of them, there. - So they have no unmounted police? - Well... 186 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:04,120 - I don't know... - It must be difficult on raids of small flats. 187 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:06,400 "Ow! My head!" 188 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:11,680 You should see the squad cars! They're a mess, David. A mess. 189 00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:16,160 Imagine trying to chase a heroin addict up a small staircase on a horse! 190 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:21,080 - Ridiculous. - The heroin addicts would know to head for the small staircase! 191 00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:24,400 JIMMY: Like trying to police a country with Daleks! 192 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:30,600 It would never work. With the disabled access, the Daleks can get everywhere. 193 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:37,200 Jimmy, are you saying that you think disabled access is a Dalek conspiracy? 194 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:43,680 Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying! 195 00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:54,200 I had a great uncle in the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 196 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:56,920 When you say a great uncle, your favourite? 197 00:12:56,920 --> 00:13:04,120 - No, I did one of these family tree things... - Oh, yeah. - He was in WWI and had his leg blown off. 198 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:11,200 - Oh. - He went to live in Canada and became the chief constable of the Vancouver Canadian Mounted Police. 199 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:15,640 - How amazing. - I don't know if they were struggling for men. 200 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:22,160 One advantage of being a mounted policeman, you don't need two legs. The horse has four to do it for you. 201 00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:27,920 Essentially, their whole police force has too many legs to start with. 202 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:32,760 Essentially, they've got six legs per policeman, which means they're policed by insects. 203 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:35,280 LAUGHTER 204 00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:37,960 That's just so silly, David, um... 205 00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:41,560 No, we come back to this fruit machine. 206 00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:44,000 In the Cold War period, 207 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:47,520 they were worried in a lot of Western countries 208 00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:49,320 about civil servants. 209 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:53,720 There'd been scandals about civil servants being blackmailed. For what reason? 210 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:56,920 - Homosexuality. - For being homosexual, being gay. 211 00:13:56,920 --> 00:14:03,240 Now, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police were trying to find out the homosexuals in the civil service. 212 00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:07,800 So that they could not be honey-trapped by Soviet spies. 213 00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:10,240 That was the theory, anyway. 214 00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:14,560 So is one of these gay? Never Mind The Buzzcocks. Number three! 215 00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:20,560 - Was this before the RAF invented "Gaydar"? - Yes! 216 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:23,560 Exactly! It was a "Gaydar" machine, if you like, 217 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:29,760 a pretty primitive device which, among other things, showed people pictures of nude men and women 218 00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:33,240 and measured their pupil dilation and their perspiration. 219 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,920 But the awful thing is, if they "failed", 220 00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:38,920 they were sacked. That was their job over with. 221 00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:42,760 They were deemed to be homosexual and they were out of a job. 222 00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:46,920 The system was thrown out by any civil servants who fancy horses! 223 00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:50,880 Or even running the test, riding round the room, saying, 224 00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:54,400 "I can't reach down to the fruit machine. Damn these horses!" 225 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:59,800 - This crude measurement device was replaced, though, by something called... - Dancing On Ice! 226 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:07,440 "Do you like "Dancing On Ice"? Is this a trick question? 227 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,840 "Yes, I do." "You're out." 228 00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:12,760 You answer, "It's to die for!" 229 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:16,400 It's a plethysmograph. 230 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:21,240 A plethysmograph is an instrument - there's a male version and a female version 231 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:24,280 because they want to catch lesbians as well - 232 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:27,480 so the male version is basically a cock ring 233 00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:32,200 that measures the tumescence of the male member when certain images are played 234 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:36,320 and for women it's a sort of dildo that measures lubrication. 235 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:39,560 - I wouldn't mind doing that! - What?! 236 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:41,520 I just... 237 00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:43,840 Jimmy, so much is coming out here. 238 00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:46,680 - Just saying, the testing... - You'd like to do that? 239 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:50,520 - Who got the testing job? That sounds brilliant! - Oh, doesn't it? 240 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:52,280 Lovely(!) 241 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:54,080 Well, I'm just saying. 242 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:55,920 It'd be a giggle. When was this? 243 00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:58,920 - When did they invent that? - Surprisingly recently. 244 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:01,640 It was used up until the '80s. 245 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:04,880 '80s?! Surely it was legal and above-board in the 1980s? 246 00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:08,800 - Exactly. It's odd. - It's weird that they'd go, "We'll double-check." 247 00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:14,080 The odd thing about the fruit machine was the guy who brought it to Canada, Kurt Freund, 248 00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:19,720 had actually invented it in order to do the precise opposite. 249 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:22,640 It was to catch out people who claimed they were gay 250 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:25,880 to use it as exemption for serving in the Czech army. 251 00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:29,400 Now, you have a choice of venues for dinner tonight. 252 00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:31,040 Russia or France. 253 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:35,600 Describe the difference between Russian and French service. 254 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:37,480 BELL TOLLS 255 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:42,840 In France they give you lots of vaguely obstetric instruments 256 00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:47,800 to dismantle things like frogs' legs and snails. 257 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:51,840 - Special cutlery. - All the stuff you'd have your back yard fumigated for. 258 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:55,560 And in Russia, they just go, "Here's a turnip." 259 00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:59,600 "If you don't like it, you're going to Siberia." 260 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,880 - Do you know what the Russian national dish is? - No? - Empty. 261 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:07,840 It's not my fault! 262 00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:11,880 - I think I know the answer to this. - Go on? 263 00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:15,680 Almost all service now is what you'd call Russian service. 264 00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:18,880 Which means you have food in courses, one after another. 265 00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:24,440 And French service, obviously the French have food in courses like everyone, 266 00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:28,600 like the Russians, but French service was everything coming at once. 267 00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:32,280 - Like a kind of buffet. - That is an absolutely perfect answer. 268 00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:35,160 David Mitchell, have a handful of points. 269 00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:44,680 And of course there's the tapas principle in lots of Middle-Eastern and Mediterranean cooking. 270 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:47,320 But the French, right up until the 19th century 271 00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:51,560 all the courses would come in one big go. You'd help yourself to everything. 272 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:55,880 And then the Russian ambassador to Napoleon's court 273 00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:59,120 came and said, "We've had this brilliant idea in Russia. 274 00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:02,120 "Let's eat one course and then another." 275 00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:05,960 This was considered absolutely staggering and revolutionary, 276 00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:08,360 and it caught on. 277 00:18:08,360 --> 00:18:13,000 Then the Americans improved on it by making it able for you to drive through in a car! 278 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:17,320 And get it in a bag from a 16-year-old... 279 00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:20,040 - They did indeed. - ..with shingles! 280 00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:26,520 David, I have to call you my teacher's pet 281 00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:30,360 and you get a special fanfare instead of a forfeit. Brilliant. 282 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:32,640 FANFARE Teacher's Pet. 283 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:35,480 I don't feel that cool! 284 00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:40,560 It's not a cool thing to be, but you do get points. 285 00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:42,960 For some people, that's important. 286 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:46,480 Escoffier was the man who introduced this into private homes 287 00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:50,800 - and more importantly, restaurants. What do you know about him? - Ask David! 288 00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:57,520 - He started frogs' legs. - Right. - I know that cos I heard it on David's radio show. 289 00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:59,040 Oh, you... 290 00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:02,600 I should at this point say in the QI annual, 291 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,960 I did a page on Escoffier. 292 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:09,000 - So I'm quite well, um... This could be a good bit! - First name? 293 00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:12,360 - Auguste. - Brilliant. 294 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,080 - Um, and he... - Died in? 295 00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:16,600 - I don't know! - A terrible house fire! 296 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:18,760 19... 297 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:24,120 He died in 1935. He lived a long time. 62 years he was a chef. 298 00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:29,680 - He founded the Ritz in Paris and the Carlton in London and was the chef at the Savoy. - Brilliant. 299 00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:35,400 - What's his most famous dish? - He invented Peach Melba for Dame Nellie Melba. 300 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:39,880 - Dame Nellie Melba. - Also apparently invented Melba toast for her as well 301 00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:42,480 cos she was dieting in between Peach Melbas! 302 00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:46,400 - And who was Nellie Melba? - She was an opera singer. 303 00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:49,600 - And what was her real name? - Mitchell. - Yes! Very good! 304 00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:53,160 - I think... - I'm so impressed. - ..her father was David Mitchell. 305 00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:55,920 Get out! Do you know... Do you know... 306 00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:59,120 APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH 307 00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:06,200 - I am truly impressed. It's not a set-up. - You are tumescent! I know you are! 308 00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:09,000 Where's the fruit machine now? 309 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:13,000 - Talking about... - Nude facts! Oh! 310 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,960 There's a fact about Dame Nellie Melba. 311 00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:25,960 - Do you know what she'd like to do when she was waiting to go on? What was her profession? - Opera singer. 312 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:29,640 A great opera singer. What did she think was good for the voice? 313 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:31,480 Oral sex. 314 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:33,280 JIMMY: I'm not saying anything. 315 00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:36,960 Alan gets the point, oral sex. ALAN GARGLES 316 00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,360 ♪ La-la-la-la-la! ♪ 317 00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:43,400 ALAN GARGLES 318 00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:48,120 It turned from a dramatic soprano to a bass unfortunately. 319 00:22:03,620 --> 00:22:08,060 Again... Can I make you a double teacher's pet? Yes! 320 00:22:08,060 --> 00:22:12,620 I'm gonna give you another fanfare because that was extraordinary. 321 00:22:12,620 --> 00:22:14,740 FANFARE 322 00:22:20,260 --> 00:22:24,740 I don't want to rain on your parade, but Stephen's pupils are ten times bigger! 323 00:22:26,380 --> 00:22:30,860 I am, as Alan said, aroused by people who are passionate about interesting facts. 324 00:22:39,860 --> 00:22:45,540 The fact is, until Escoffier introduced "Service a la Rousse", to Western Europe 325 00:22:45,540 --> 00:22:49,300 meals were served all at once and eaten in whatever order you fancied. 326 00:22:49,300 --> 00:22:56,420 Since I gave up Greco-Roman wrestling a few years ago, I've put on a few pounds, as you can tell, 327 00:22:56,420 --> 00:23:01,060 do you have any tips on how I can turn this fat back into muscle? 328 00:23:01,060 --> 00:23:06,060 - When you say you've given up Greco-Roman wrestling, you can't change who you are. - I know. 329 00:23:06,060 --> 00:23:12,340 - Who do you think invented Greco-Roman wrestling? - The Greeks and the Romans. 330 00:23:12,340 --> 00:23:14,860 ALARM RINGS 331 00:23:16,860 --> 00:23:19,540 Now all you have to say is Mr Wrestling. 332 00:23:19,540 --> 00:23:26,660 - No, it was the French. They gave it a classical thing. - "We want men rubbing against each other." 333 00:23:26,660 --> 00:23:31,220 There was freestyle wrestling. "Catch As Catch Can" it was called. 334 00:23:31,220 --> 00:23:36,100 They wanted this other form - you couldn't do anything below the waist, 335 00:23:36,100 --> 00:23:40,460 you couldn't use your legs, you couldn't hook people onto the ground. 336 00:23:40,460 --> 00:23:44,860 You know what Mae West said about all in wrestling? "If it's all in, why wrestle?" 337 00:23:47,500 --> 00:23:54,660 - Good, isn't it? - Finally, this show gets back on firm heterosexual footing. - Exactly. 338 00:23:54,660 --> 00:23:55,860 Hear hear. 339 00:23:55,860 --> 00:24:00,900 - You can't turn fat into muscle. - Thank you, Alan. - They're different things. 340 00:24:00,900 --> 00:24:06,820 - That thing if you don't keep doing it, it turns into fat, that's nonsense. - You're so right. 341 00:24:06,820 --> 00:24:11,580 That is brilliance on your part and I'm very, very pleased with you. 342 00:24:11,620 --> 00:24:18,860 - Oh! - Well done. I might give you a teacher's pet fanfare. - I have written semen on my tongue though. 343 00:24:21,580 --> 00:24:23,660 At least you've just written it. 344 00:24:27,100 --> 00:24:31,620 Boys who rub me up the wrong way come to a sticky end. 345 00:24:31,620 --> 00:24:33,300 GROANS 346 00:24:33,300 --> 00:24:39,340 This idea that fat turns to muscle, it's nonsense. It's like saying your toenail could turn into your ear. 347 00:24:39,340 --> 00:24:45,220 They're two different substances and parts and structures of the body. 348 00:24:45,220 --> 00:24:51,580 They're not the same. Now, what is the worst thing to eat for tooth decay? 349 00:24:51,580 --> 00:24:53,820 REVERBERATING GONG Crystal meth. 350 00:24:56,180 --> 00:24:58,700 There is some truth. Crystal meth addicts have appalling teeth. 351 00:24:58,700 --> 00:25:02,620 - Have you seen the ad for crystal meth? - It's an ad against it, surely? 352 00:25:02,620 --> 00:25:04,460 - That explains it. - I think so. 353 00:25:04,460 --> 00:25:09,860 That makes perfect sense. I've looked at it and went, "Who's buying that? It's horrible." 354 00:25:09,860 --> 00:25:17,100 - They sell it in vials. - The worst thing you could do - I saw this on TV - is to put them in salsa, 355 00:25:17,100 --> 00:25:21,460 and then run a, um... a current through it. 356 00:25:21,460 --> 00:25:24,500 That must be bad for them. 357 00:25:24,500 --> 00:25:30,180 A guy broke out of jail in Mexico, took him six years, he just kept wiping salsa on the bars. 358 00:25:30,180 --> 00:25:36,540 - Oh, my... - After six years, the acid broke down the steel. It was that Myth Buster show. 359 00:25:36,540 --> 00:25:41,660 - Then they ran a current through it and it just happened in days. - Good gracious. How brilliant. 360 00:25:41,660 --> 00:25:44,940 - You wouldn't want to do that... - If your teeth were like iron bars. 361 00:25:44,940 --> 00:25:48,700 - I would just say don't run a current through your teeth. - Full stop. 362 00:25:48,700 --> 00:25:55,580 - It's not going to be sugar. - You're right. There is something worse than sugar. Sugar is quite bad. 363 00:25:55,580 --> 00:26:00,620 The thing is it dissolves quite quickly in your saliva and is away from the teeth, 364 00:26:00,620 --> 00:26:06,500 whereas potato starch is about the worse thing because it hangs around in the teeth more than sugar. 365 00:26:06,500 --> 00:26:13,660 Crisps are particularly bad - bits of them stay up. You may think, "It's not like an Opal Fruit," 366 00:26:13,660 --> 00:26:16,060 but actually it's really bad. 367 00:26:16,060 --> 00:26:20,620 Do you know having gum disease doubles your chance of coronary artery disease? 368 00:26:20,620 --> 00:26:25,020 - That's scary, isn't it? - Does it double your chances or is there a correlation between the two? 369 00:26:25,020 --> 00:26:28,260 There's a direct causal link. Bacteria from the mouth find their way to the heart. 370 00:26:28,260 --> 00:26:34,780 A lot of disease in the heart IS disease - it's infection, not bad lifestyle and being lazy. 371 00:26:34,780 --> 00:26:38,260 You can get a virus, the heart can kill people commonly, or bacteria. 372 00:26:38,260 --> 00:26:42,260 - So flossing is good for your heart? - Yes, that's a good thought. 373 00:26:42,260 --> 00:26:44,300 Don't try and floss your heart. 374 00:26:44,300 --> 00:26:47,140 I saw in America anal floss. 375 00:26:47,140 --> 00:26:50,500 GROANS Here we go again. 376 00:26:51,540 --> 00:26:53,860 It's not a gay thing, Rich. 377 00:26:53,860 --> 00:26:58,060 - It's an American thing. It's a way of drying your intimate crack. - God bless America. 378 00:26:58,060 --> 00:27:01,300 Drive through hamburgers and anal floss. 379 00:27:02,820 --> 00:27:07,140 - It's like a towel... - It's a special... - You were doing it the wrong way. 380 00:27:07,140 --> 00:27:08,500 Was I? 381 00:27:09,500 --> 00:27:13,540 - Oh, I don't know. - It's a special towel with a gusset. - Basically. 382 00:27:13,540 --> 00:27:20,580 - Sorry. Pulling your sleeves up worried me. I thought you were... - I'll show you anal floss. 383 00:27:23,060 --> 00:27:26,940 Sweets and chocolate aren't the worst thing for your teeth. 384 00:27:26,940 --> 00:27:33,020 Potato starch sticks to teeth for longer, providing a feast for the acid producing bacteria. 385 00:27:33,020 --> 00:27:37,660 That bag of chips might not just make you fat, it might make your teeth fall out too. 386 00:27:37,660 --> 00:27:43,900 While we're digesting that truth, how about a story? Tell me the tale of the Miracle of the Herrings. 387 00:27:43,900 --> 00:27:49,500 Is it a miracle as in the act of an interventionist god. I can tell you it didn't happen. 388 00:27:49,500 --> 00:27:54,900 It so didn't happen, but it is an official miracle. Just one of the more pathetic... 389 00:27:54,900 --> 00:27:59,100 Is it a raining fish story? JIMMY: The feeding of the three. 390 00:27:59,100 --> 00:28:03,540 No, it's the feeding of the one person who didn't like herring. 391 00:28:03,540 --> 00:28:06,220 He says, "Not too bad actually." 392 00:28:06,220 --> 00:28:11,380 Was it like the feeding of the 5,000? 5,000 people and they want bread and fish, 393 00:28:11,380 --> 00:28:16,700 I reckon that was 4,500 people going, "What you got? Bread and fish? I'm all right, thanks. 394 00:28:16,700 --> 00:28:18,060 "I'll have something at home." 395 00:28:18,060 --> 00:28:25,100 The other interesting thing about that story is that out of the 5,000 people, only two had brought food. 396 00:28:25,100 --> 00:28:27,940 In a way - OK, good miracle - 397 00:28:27,940 --> 00:28:32,860 but the other side of it is 4,998 idiots 398 00:28:32,860 --> 00:28:38,900 with no sense of foresight and Jesus doesn't make them learn a lesson from that. 399 00:28:38,900 --> 00:28:43,780 - It's all fine... - "This isn't Glastonbury," he could've said. 400 00:28:43,780 --> 00:28:50,020 "You didn't bring any food, of course there's not going to be any food! Plan next time. 401 00:28:50,020 --> 00:28:53,060 "Judea would be better if people planned. 402 00:28:53,060 --> 00:28:57,780 "But, no, it'll work out fine - Jesus will magic up some grub." 403 00:28:57,780 --> 00:29:01,860 - "He'll get crucified one day, then what are you going to eat?" - Yes! 404 00:29:03,460 --> 00:29:06,860 As you know, the Roman Catholic Church likes to appoint... 405 00:29:06,860 --> 00:29:12,740 - After they're dead, it likes to do this thing to holy dead people... - Sainthood. - Makes them a saint. 406 00:29:12,740 --> 00:29:18,740 - They're fast tracking one at the moment, Padre Pio... - They're trying to fast track Mother Teresa. 407 00:29:18,740 --> 00:29:22,660 - Yeah. - This is one of the great 13th century divine creatures, 408 00:29:22,660 --> 00:29:27,700 a theologian philosopher called Thomas Aquinas. They wanted to make him a saint. He's a Dominican friar, 409 00:29:27,700 --> 00:29:32,580 but he didn't mortify his flesh, as you're supposed to. There he is. 410 00:29:32,580 --> 00:29:38,620 That was a bit bad, and he didn't seem to do any good works while he was around, 411 00:29:38,620 --> 00:29:44,500 he wrote splendidly, he was a great philosopher, and they had to find a miracle for him and there were none, 412 00:29:44,500 --> 00:29:51,300 until someone told a story that apparently on his death bed he said, "I fancy a herring." 413 00:29:51,300 --> 00:29:54,860 They were in the Mediterranean where there are no herrings 414 00:29:54,860 --> 00:29:58,300 so they thought, "Bring him pilchards, he won't know." 415 00:29:58,300 --> 00:30:02,740 So they gave him pilchards and he went, "Mmm, they're the best herrings I've tasted." 416 00:30:02,740 --> 00:30:07,980 This is true, the Catholic Church decided to interpret that as the Miracle of the Herrings, 417 00:30:07,980 --> 00:30:11,220 that the pilchards had turned to herrings in his mouth, 418 00:30:11,220 --> 00:30:15,820 therefore he qualified as a saint and he is to this day St Thomas Aquinas. 419 00:30:15,820 --> 00:30:20,580 - If you're going to make it up, you might as well make up something better than that. - You'd think. 420 00:30:20,580 --> 00:30:25,460 - Suddenly he magiced up a unicorn. - I know. That's what's so sweet and feeble about it. 421 00:30:25,460 --> 00:30:28,300 They're groping for a miracle. Anyway, they made him a saint. 422 00:30:28,300 --> 00:30:31,940 - I like a saint. - You like a saint? - What's the matter with a saint? 423 00:30:31,940 --> 00:30:35,260 If you're going to have imaginary friends, have loads of them. 424 00:30:35,260 --> 00:30:40,580 - The great thing is it's something for people to collect, isn't it? - Yes. 425 00:30:40,580 --> 00:30:45,940 It's like Star Wars. There's all the figures. There's a merchandising opportunity. 426 00:30:45,940 --> 00:30:52,700 Anyway, the Miracle of the Herrings was attributed to Thomas Aquinas so he'd qualify for sainthood. 427 00:30:52,700 --> 00:30:57,700 Before we head below the salt, let's have a look at your tasting maps. 428 00:30:57,700 --> 00:31:01,940 What have we got here? We'll start with Jimmy. What have you got? 429 00:31:01,940 --> 00:31:04,780 You taste failure there and success at the back. 430 00:31:04,780 --> 00:31:07,660 The bitter taste of resentment. 431 00:31:07,660 --> 00:31:09,180 Bitter at the back? 432 00:31:09,180 --> 00:31:11,980 What are the tastes? Salt, sweet... 433 00:31:11,980 --> 00:31:15,940 - Sour, bitter... - Didn't they invent one, which is MSG? - Yes. 434 00:31:15,940 --> 00:31:19,220 But they didn't discover it until 1911 or something? 435 00:31:19,220 --> 00:31:23,660 - Umami. It's the brothy, mushroomy... - I love it. - ..slightly savoury. 436 00:31:23,660 --> 00:31:25,660 Sweet, salt... 437 00:31:25,660 --> 00:31:28,100 - Sour. - MSG. Bitter. 438 00:31:28,100 --> 00:31:31,900 - Yes. - Is that it? - Five. - What's Gordon Ramsay wittering on about 439 00:31:31,900 --> 00:31:34,340 - in those shows, if that's it? - On the tongue. 440 00:31:34,340 --> 00:31:37,860 There's a rainbow of things in the olfactory bulb in the nose. 441 00:31:37,860 --> 00:31:40,660 That's where all flavours can be detected. 442 00:31:40,660 --> 00:31:42,980 But the tongue is only for those five. 443 00:31:42,980 --> 00:31:44,380 What have you got, Rich? 444 00:31:44,380 --> 00:31:48,100 - Guilt. Remorse... - Can you taste guilt? 445 00:31:48,100 --> 00:31:49,580 Crabby. 446 00:31:49,580 --> 00:31:52,260 - David, what have you got? - I've got, um... 447 00:31:52,260 --> 00:31:54,020 "Be sick." 448 00:31:54,020 --> 00:31:55,820 Cos it does make you be sick. 449 00:31:55,820 --> 00:31:59,140 And that's "forgotten names", on the tip of your tongue. 450 00:31:59,140 --> 00:32:01,220 Very good! 451 00:32:01,220 --> 00:32:03,620 Very good! 452 00:32:06,620 --> 00:32:08,340 Excellent. 453 00:32:08,340 --> 00:32:09,460 Alan? 454 00:32:09,460 --> 00:32:12,780 I've got bitter, sour and sweet and then I ran out of ideas. 455 00:32:12,780 --> 00:32:16,420 - I had savoury. I didn't think it was right. - Umami is savoury. 456 00:32:16,420 --> 00:32:19,340 Then I had one left so I just put jam in! 457 00:32:19,340 --> 00:32:20,820 Jam! 458 00:32:20,820 --> 00:32:25,220 - For all we know, your tongue may... - Are any of these right? - No. The fact is, 459 00:32:25,220 --> 00:32:29,340 all this, the whole tongue map idea is actually nonsense. 460 00:32:29,340 --> 00:32:33,500 Thank you. Throw your tongue over your shoulder. 461 00:32:33,500 --> 00:32:35,420 JIMMY: If I could do that... 462 00:32:35,420 --> 00:32:38,660 You wouldn't be working here, for a start! 463 00:32:38,660 --> 00:32:42,060 I'd be a happy man! She wouldn't let me leave the house! 464 00:32:43,620 --> 00:32:46,260 Because you could lick your shoulder blade? 465 00:32:46,260 --> 00:32:49,460 - Well, the inference being... - I suppose, yes. 466 00:32:49,460 --> 00:32:53,140 There was a French restaurateur, quite a famous one, in London... 467 00:32:53,140 --> 00:32:59,380 - Don't tell me... - No. He used to say to women, "Excuse me, can I smell your pussy?" 468 00:32:59,380 --> 00:33:02,580 They'd go, "No." He'd say, "It must be your feet then." 469 00:33:02,580 --> 00:33:06,100 COY LAUGHTER It's a horrible joke. 470 00:33:06,100 --> 00:33:11,100 How many of those people then stayed in the restaurant? 471 00:33:11,100 --> 00:33:16,620 - He didn't do it in the restaurant. He'd come up to the table. - That sounds like a horrible restaurant. 472 00:33:16,620 --> 00:33:19,900 I mean, how good would the food have to be? 473 00:33:19,900 --> 00:33:25,140 - He'd do it when relaxing off duty. - Right. - That was one of his jokes. 474 00:33:26,620 --> 00:33:31,340 We detect those five primary flavours all over the tongue 475 00:33:31,340 --> 00:33:35,140 and not in that... That used to be held to be the tongue map. 476 00:33:35,140 --> 00:33:37,660 Amazingly, it's still in a lot of text books. 477 00:33:37,660 --> 00:33:39,980 But it is absolutely not true. 478 00:33:39,980 --> 00:33:42,420 And so we come to the highlight of our feast, 479 00:33:42,420 --> 00:33:44,740 the piece de generale ignorance. 480 00:33:44,740 --> 00:33:47,580 Elbows off the tables and fingers on the buzzers. 481 00:33:47,580 --> 00:33:49,980 Name a poisonous snake. GONG 482 00:33:49,980 --> 00:33:52,540 - Yes? - Piers Morgan. 483 00:33:52,540 --> 00:33:54,340 KLAXON Jimmy, Jimmy! 484 00:34:00,740 --> 00:34:04,700 Poison is not the same as venom. It can't be. 485 00:34:04,700 --> 00:34:07,220 Because there are load of poisonous snakes. 486 00:34:07,220 --> 00:34:10,180 You sounded so like Jonathan Creek just then! 487 00:34:11,380 --> 00:34:14,140 You suddenly hit it with the pen. It was so right. 488 00:34:14,140 --> 00:34:17,940 You went, "Got it! I've got the answer! In a locked room..." 489 00:34:17,940 --> 00:34:21,500 - There's lots of them. - Well, we haven't name one yet. 490 00:34:21,500 --> 00:34:24,260 I'm not going to. They're all gonna be up there. 491 00:34:24,260 --> 00:34:26,700 - I refuse! - You're so right. 492 00:34:26,700 --> 00:34:31,740 - We were hoping you'd say cobra and... - He said it! - ..rattlesnake... 493 00:34:33,540 --> 00:34:37,020 And all those things. But "poisonous" does not apply to them. 494 00:34:37,020 --> 00:34:41,540 It means if you eat it, it makes you very ill or kills you. 495 00:34:41,540 --> 00:34:44,740 - Venom goes... - Venom is injected into your blood. 496 00:34:44,740 --> 00:34:48,860 Those are all venomous snakes. There are only two poisonous snakes, 497 00:34:48,860 --> 00:34:52,940 ones that if you ate would kill you, like a poison fruit or berry. 498 00:34:52,940 --> 00:34:56,940 And they are, there's the Japanese grass snake, 499 00:34:56,940 --> 00:35:01,980 Rhabdophis tigrinus, becomes poisonous by eating toxic toads. 500 00:35:01,980 --> 00:35:05,860 It stores them in glands in its neck. If you eat that, you'll die. 501 00:35:05,860 --> 00:35:09,220 - Or there's the Thamnophis sirtalis... - Of course! 502 00:35:09,220 --> 00:35:12,420 - ..which is the common garter snake. - Stephen... 503 00:35:12,420 --> 00:35:15,140 - Yeah? - What are you talking about? 504 00:35:15,140 --> 00:35:17,340 LAUGHTER 505 00:35:17,340 --> 00:35:21,180 It eats a poisonous newt, an orange-bellied rough-skinned newt. 506 00:35:21,180 --> 00:35:24,700 Now, what shouldn't you eat before bedtime? 507 00:35:24,700 --> 00:35:29,180 And again, once again, it's a trap! 508 00:35:30,300 --> 00:35:32,460 Us?! 509 00:35:32,460 --> 00:35:33,900 TINKLING BELL Cheese! 510 00:35:33,900 --> 00:35:35,660 KLAXON 511 00:35:36,940 --> 00:35:39,940 - Gives you bad dreams. - Supposedly. But apparently, 512 00:35:39,940 --> 00:35:42,540 according to a study, it's been debunked. 513 00:35:42,540 --> 00:35:45,140 In 2005. Apparently it gives you good dreams. 514 00:35:45,140 --> 00:35:49,340 But the study was instituted by the British Cheese Board! 515 00:35:49,340 --> 00:35:53,700 - They may have an axe to grind! - Are you suggesting corruption? - Cheese Board?! 516 00:35:53,700 --> 00:35:55,900 I think they're aware of the joke. 517 00:35:55,900 --> 00:36:01,780 They say there's an amino acid in cheese as there is in milk and all dairy products called Tryptophan 518 00:36:01,780 --> 00:36:05,580 which gives you peace and joy and tranquillity and helps you sleep. 519 00:36:05,580 --> 00:36:09,580 - No, that's Temazepam! - Temazepam! But Tryptophan is a natural one. 520 00:36:09,580 --> 00:36:12,820 I don't think it makes it better that they're aware of the joke. 521 00:36:12,820 --> 00:36:18,740 - They've made their name a joke. - The British Cheese Board. - Manufacturing cheese is not a joke. 522 00:36:18,740 --> 00:36:25,540 Make the name of your organisation a joke, it sits there dying, like a joke on a fridge. 523 00:36:25,540 --> 00:36:31,500 - A joke should be cracked, then you forget it, but, no, it's there... - On stationery... - Yeah. 524 00:36:31,500 --> 00:36:35,020 The British Cheese Board. It becomes less funny each time. 525 00:36:35,020 --> 00:36:40,380 - It's like a headline... - I work for the British Cheese Board. Please don't say anything. 526 00:36:40,380 --> 00:36:46,780 There was a headline on the BBC website when BA's profits went up - BA's Profits Soar. 527 00:36:46,780 --> 00:36:48,820 - Oh! - Why's that better? 528 00:36:48,820 --> 00:36:54,100 No-one's going to laugh because you said "soar" - just say "go up". 529 00:36:54,100 --> 00:36:58,140 Not "go up" because plane's go up, say "increase". 530 00:36:58,140 --> 00:37:05,380 - Do anything to avoid that awful, half-limping... - You're so right. - ..foetus of a joke. 531 00:37:05,380 --> 00:37:10,260 You're right. You're so right. From your lips to God's ears. 532 00:37:10,260 --> 00:37:12,300 APPLAUSE 533 00:37:13,940 --> 00:37:18,820 So the British Cheese Commission has determined that cheese is very good for you. 534 00:37:18,820 --> 00:37:21,860 What are those people doing, by the way? 535 00:37:21,860 --> 00:37:27,100 I'm pretty sure there's an opera singer in that fridge. 536 00:37:29,220 --> 00:37:32,620 - He's reaching in, "I keep the semen in here." - Oh, dear. 537 00:37:32,620 --> 00:37:37,660 Didn't the Romantic poets used to eat off meat in order to give themselves crazy dreams? 538 00:37:37,660 --> 00:37:42,060 I haven't heard that. That's interesting. They certainly toyed with morphine. 539 00:37:42,060 --> 00:37:48,300 I heard they used to eat gamey meat and they'd notice they had extraordinary dreams 540 00:37:48,300 --> 00:37:50,740 because the rotting flesh would give them... 541 00:37:50,740 --> 00:37:56,020 - ALAN: And extraordinary poos. JIMMY: Hallucinogenic. - Extraordinary poos, did you say? 542 00:37:57,020 --> 00:38:02,420 I dreamt I had to get up ten times last night and sit lonely squitting. 543 00:38:03,820 --> 00:38:07,540 That's the only dreams off meat has ever given me? 544 00:38:07,540 --> 00:38:11,940 Biting the inside of the lavatory door for miserable hours. 545 00:38:11,940 --> 00:38:19,700 - Maybe that's why you get so many poems... - Byron actually wrote on a lavatory wall a classical poem, 546 00:38:19,700 --> 00:38:26,020 which was asking for a good stool. "Cloaca" is the Latin for "sewer", for lavatory, 547 00:38:26,020 --> 00:38:29,620 so he wrote, "Cloacina, goddess of this place, 548 00:38:29,620 --> 00:38:32,260 "look on thy supplicants with smiling face. 549 00:38:32,260 --> 00:38:35,620 "Smooth and consistent may their offerings flow, 550 00:38:35,620 --> 00:38:39,900 "neither rashly swift nor insolently slow." 551 00:38:39,900 --> 00:38:43,900 - That's a genuine poem... - Better class of graffiti in your school. 552 00:38:43,900 --> 00:38:45,940 LAUGHTER 553 00:38:45,940 --> 00:38:49,460 When he says, "rashly swift," is that really possible? 554 00:38:49,460 --> 00:38:52,860 It's what known as the pathetic fallacy in poetry. 555 00:38:52,860 --> 00:38:57,220 You impute an emotion or an ability to an object that is not capable of it. 556 00:38:57,220 --> 00:38:58,500 OK. 557 00:38:58,500 --> 00:39:00,940 LAUGHTER 558 00:39:00,940 --> 00:39:04,140 The British Cheese Board says, "Let them eat cheese." 559 00:39:04,140 --> 00:39:06,220 But who said, "Let them eat cake"? 560 00:39:06,220 --> 00:39:09,540 That French woman - Dawn French. 561 00:39:10,940 --> 00:39:12,740 Very good. 562 00:39:12,740 --> 00:39:15,300 - She said, "Let them eat brioche"! - Who did? 563 00:39:15,300 --> 00:39:17,380 I'm not saying it! 564 00:39:17,380 --> 00:39:20,180 But I'm asking you. I need to know! 565 00:39:20,180 --> 00:39:23,100 Ooh! Was it Mr Kipling? KLAXON 566 00:39:28,100 --> 00:39:29,660 Oh, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy! 567 00:39:31,460 --> 00:39:35,260 - Marie...Osmond. - Marie Osmond? - Kirsten Dunst. 568 00:39:35,260 --> 00:39:38,420 - No. - Kirsten Dunst in that shocking film, 569 00:39:38,420 --> 00:39:41,780 the worst film ever made since Revolution with Al Pacino. 570 00:39:41,780 --> 00:39:45,220 - Did it involve cakes? - Four people. - A Marie Antoinette film. 571 00:39:45,220 --> 00:39:50,140 - Yes. So did you say what? Who said it? - What you said. - Marie Antoinette. 572 00:39:51,740 --> 00:39:55,500 Why do you keep saying Marie Antoinette? KLAXON 573 00:39:55,500 --> 00:39:58,060 Because I wanted that to happen! 574 00:39:58,060 --> 00:40:01,780 Marie Antoinette didn't say it, or if she did, she was quoting it. 575 00:40:01,780 --> 00:40:04,860 She was born in 1755, as every schoolboy knows. 576 00:40:04,860 --> 00:40:08,780 The phrase was seen in print in 1760 577 00:40:08,780 --> 00:40:12,100 and Jean-Jacques Rousseau claims to have seen it in 1740. 578 00:40:12,100 --> 00:40:16,700 So this whole idea that it was Marie Antoinette is not true. 579 00:40:16,700 --> 00:40:19,540 You want to hear the whole conversation. 580 00:40:19,540 --> 00:40:25,140 "They've no bread." "Let them eat cake." "They haven't got cake, either." "Oh. This is a problem." 581 00:40:25,140 --> 00:40:29,180 - Yes! - "I'll talk to the ministers about it and see what we can do." 582 00:40:29,180 --> 00:40:31,700 - They're probably... - That may well be it. 583 00:40:31,700 --> 00:40:36,220 The accusation that one grand lady or another committed this gaffe 584 00:40:36,220 --> 00:40:40,180 was in circulation at least 15 years before Marie Antoinette was born. 585 00:40:40,180 --> 00:40:44,260 Now, what makes up more than 70% of the internet? 586 00:40:44,260 --> 00:40:46,140 Ooh! 587 00:40:46,140 --> 00:40:49,420 It's my personal collection, isn't it? 588 00:40:49,420 --> 00:40:52,980 - Of what? - Of gentlemen's special interest literature. 589 00:40:53,820 --> 00:40:57,380 KLAXON - I didn't say that! - I think we know 590 00:40:57,380 --> 00:41:01,500 - what you're talking about! - If you're gonna be like that... 591 00:41:01,500 --> 00:41:06,420 It's quite surprising. They did a survey on behalf of the American Civil Liberties Union 592 00:41:06,420 --> 00:41:10,300 who were annoyed about some legislation Bush wanted to pass, 593 00:41:10,300 --> 00:41:13,300 which they thought prohibitive of personal liberty 594 00:41:13,300 --> 00:41:18,820 and they discovered that less than 1% of the internet is pornography. Less than 1%. 595 00:41:18,820 --> 00:41:24,220 You say that, but the other day I wanted to know why German people are so fastidious... 596 00:41:24,220 --> 00:41:27,460 - Mmm. - ..so I typed in German anal and it was... 597 00:41:27,460 --> 00:41:29,700 I lost a week, Stephen. 598 00:41:32,100 --> 00:41:33,940 You are so bad! 599 00:41:33,940 --> 00:41:39,260 He emerged bleary-eyed, finally pulled back the curtains... 600 00:41:39,260 --> 00:41:41,300 I need fluids. 601 00:41:42,620 --> 00:41:45,260 Of all email traffic, 85... 602 00:41:45,260 --> 00:41:49,020 In fact, up to 89% is spam. Simple as that. 603 00:41:49,020 --> 00:41:54,300 - Trying to sell you Zanex and penis enlargement. - Yes. Soft Cialis, whatever that is. 604 00:41:54,300 --> 00:41:57,460 I get loads of 'em. Most are from my girlfriend. 605 00:41:58,260 --> 00:42:00,620 It's the ones from my mum that really hurt. 606 00:42:03,300 --> 00:42:07,860 A recent study has established that the World Wide Web is less than 1% pornography 607 00:42:07,860 --> 00:42:10,460 and 89% of all emails are spam, 608 00:42:10,460 --> 00:42:15,340 good news if you're looking for pills or want to increase your extremities. 609 00:42:15,340 --> 00:42:18,260 That brings us to the coffee and liqueurs, as it were. 610 00:42:18,260 --> 00:42:23,340 The end of our little dinner. L'addition, s'il vous plait, garcon. 611 00:42:23,340 --> 00:42:28,420 Let's look at the scores. It's pretty unsurprising to those who've been paying attention 612 00:42:28,420 --> 00:42:33,100 that our runaway winner with a full ten points is David Mitchell. 613 00:42:34,660 --> 00:42:36,020 Hoorah! 614 00:42:38,260 --> 00:42:44,940 Well done to David with ten and it's medium with minus two to Rich Hall. 615 00:42:47,220 --> 00:42:49,100 Minus two? 616 00:42:50,100 --> 00:42:54,540 And it's a very rare third place for Alan Davies with minus 12! 617 00:42:58,500 --> 00:43:04,340 Looking decidedly blue, it's Jimmy Carr with minus 46! 618 00:43:13,180 --> 00:43:18,220 So it only remains for me to thank my fellow diners, Rich, Jimmy, David and Alan 619 00:43:18,220 --> 00:43:22,020 and to leave you with the reproving words of our Dame Nellie Melba 620 00:43:22,020 --> 00:43:24,980 on being presented with a gelatine-based pudding 621 00:43:24,980 --> 00:43:27,420 which had not been allowed to set properly. 622 00:43:27,420 --> 00:43:32,140 "There are two things I like stiff", she said, "and one of them's jelly." Goodnight! 623 00:43:54,820 --> 00:43:57,780 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd