1 00:00:30,770 --> 00:00:34,851 Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-ood 2 00:00:34,851 --> 00:00:36,331 evening, good evening! 3 00:00:36,331 --> 00:00:38,051 Welcome to QI 4 00:00:38,051 --> 00:00:42,091 for a show that tonight is all about gardening and groceries 5 00:00:42,091 --> 00:00:44,331 and it's BOGOF night at QI - 6 00:00:44,331 --> 00:00:46,571 four comedians for the price of two. 7 00:00:46,571 --> 00:00:48,731 Cutting the mustard, it's Rob Brydon. 8 00:00:48,731 --> 00:00:51,092 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 9 00:00:53,411 --> 00:00:57,772 And taking the biscuit, it's Dara O'Briain. 10 00:00:57,772 --> 00:00:59,372 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:01:02,212 --> 00:01:04,692 Spicing things up is David Mitchell. 12 00:01:04,692 --> 00:01:06,253 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 13 00:01:09,092 --> 00:01:12,413 And playing ketchup, it's Alan Davies. 14 00:01:12,413 --> 00:01:14,253 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 15 00:01:17,413 --> 00:01:19,173 But erm... 16 00:01:19,173 --> 00:01:22,494 before we head over to the garden to turn over the first sod, 17 00:01:22,494 --> 00:01:25,813 let's hear your buzzers. Rob goes... TINKLING 18 00:01:25,813 --> 00:01:28,654 Dara goes... TILL KERCHINGS 19 00:01:29,014 --> 00:01:31,814 David goes... SHOP BELL TINGS 20 00:01:31,814 --> 00:01:35,135 And Alan goes... MAN: Pound a punnet! Pound a punnet! 21 00:01:35,135 --> 00:01:39,774 Come on, love, got a couple of juicy ones 'ere, go on. Pound a punnet. 22 00:01:39,774 --> 00:01:41,294 Thank you. Thank you. 23 00:01:41,294 --> 00:01:43,255 So let's get off to an easy start. 24 00:01:43,255 --> 00:01:46,775 What tools do you need for do-nothing gardening? 25 00:01:46,775 --> 00:01:48,695 Er, no... no tools. 26 00:01:50,656 --> 00:01:54,255 You'd think. It's also called natural gardening or natural farming. 27 00:01:54,255 --> 00:01:57,215 It's an Eastern version of our organic farming 28 00:01:57,215 --> 00:01:59,456 that has actually spread around the world. 29 00:01:59,456 --> 00:02:04,056 You have to dig with your hands? Or persuade animals to do it for you. 30 00:02:04,056 --> 00:02:11,016 Yes, persuade other animals. So you persuade a fox it doesn't want a den but a rockery? 31 00:02:12,657 --> 00:02:17,417 Well, in the case... You get some fish and they desperately dig a pond before they die. 32 00:02:20,218 --> 00:02:26,177 Well, fish is right. In paddy fields, they use ducks instead of herbicide. 33 00:02:26,177 --> 00:02:29,378 They eat the weeds and the throttly things that kill the rice 34 00:02:29,378 --> 00:02:33,018 and they use carp to help purify the water in the paddy fields. 35 00:02:33,018 --> 00:02:37,019 This is like having a goat, in the nicest sense. 36 00:02:37,019 --> 00:02:41,498 It's like having a goat but now the goat has been usurped. 37 00:02:41,498 --> 00:02:45,139 Because the wallaby is being introducedin larger numbers 38 00:02:45,139 --> 00:02:48,979 in Britain because it makes a good family pet and eats the grass. 39 00:02:48,979 --> 00:02:51,300 It's more fun than a goat - more intelligent. 40 00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:54,899 Better than that traditional family pet, the goat?! 41 00:02:56,419 --> 00:02:58,940 Well... Yeah. Surely not! 42 00:02:58,940 --> 00:03:03,260 Surely all those Christmas mornings where children go, "It's a goat!" 43 00:03:05,260 --> 00:03:07,781 Its' true. I read about it in the paper. 44 00:03:07,781 --> 00:03:10,660 The who breeds them says he's never been busier. 45 00:03:10,660 --> 00:03:14,701 Ooh! Because they hop over the fence and run away. 46 00:03:15,901 --> 00:03:18,661 You do have to have a very high fence, that's true. 47 00:03:18,661 --> 00:03:21,662 You can electrify the top of the fence. 48 00:03:21,662 --> 00:03:25,901 Because they are just gripping animals, aren't they? Wallabies? 49 00:03:25,901 --> 00:03:27,941 That's a koala, surely?! 50 00:03:28,662 --> 00:03:32,102 They're not big climbers, famously. 51 00:03:32,102 --> 00:03:37,663 They're bouncers, basically. I don't mean in the sense of nightclubs. 52 00:03:37,663 --> 00:03:40,342 They are of the bouncing animals. 53 00:03:40,342 --> 00:03:44,143 Yes. As opposed to the gripping onto animals. 54 00:03:44,143 --> 00:03:47,743 You blinded me with your biology talk! 55 00:03:47,743 --> 00:03:53,304 Yeah, he's a man called Masanobu Fukuoka - 56 00:03:53,304 --> 00:03:55,183 responsible for do-nothing gardening. 57 00:03:55,183 --> 00:03:59,704 He invented seed balls. Are you familiar? 58 00:03:59,704 --> 00:04:04,944 You make a ball out of clay, mud and various nutrients 59 00:04:04,944 --> 00:04:07,225 chuck it around and it seeds. 60 00:04:07,225 --> 00:04:13,985 You throw a load of seeds and some mud in a ball and then just chuck it. 61 00:04:13,985 --> 00:04:16,385 And leave it there to grow? More or less! 62 00:04:16,385 --> 00:04:19,425 And that's preferable to just putting some seeds... 63 00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:20,785 Yes! > 64 00:04:20,785 --> 00:04:23,026 You chuck it where you want it to be, obviously. 65 00:04:23,026 --> 00:04:26,825 But you use far fewer seeds. It's much more economical. 66 00:04:26,825 --> 00:04:30,546 Is it for planting things that were difficult otherwise to reach 67 00:04:30,546 --> 00:04:34,186 from the other side of lava or something? 68 00:04:34,186 --> 00:04:38,907 Surely you could just walk to the point at which it would land and just plant seeds there. 69 00:04:38,907 --> 00:04:42,586 It's if you want hanging baskets but you haven't got a ladder. 70 00:04:42,586 --> 00:04:48,147 So you get a basketball player and a seed ball... 71 00:04:48,147 --> 00:04:50,267 Exactly. Game on. 72 00:04:50,267 --> 00:04:52,748 Plus there are seed guns. 73 00:04:52,748 --> 00:04:54,827 Are you familiar with the seed gun? 74 00:04:54,827 --> 00:04:57,587 I'm guessing you take a seed ball 75 00:04:57,587 --> 00:05:00,868 and put it into a large gun-like device 76 00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:03,108 and you just shoot that mutha! 77 00:05:04,428 --> 00:05:08,069 Thank you. Thank you for giving us the pre-watershed version. 78 00:05:08,069 --> 00:05:11,588 Actually, it is... Gang talk! 79 00:05:11,588 --> 00:05:14,149 I'm the acceptable face of gangsta rap! 80 00:05:15,509 --> 00:05:17,309 There on the left is a seed gun. 81 00:05:17,309 --> 00:05:21,830 It is literally a seed ball-type mud thing made in the shape of a gun. 82 00:05:21,830 --> 00:05:24,630 ROB: Why would you do that?! 83 00:05:24,630 --> 00:05:27,709 Imagine you were citizens of Richmond, Virginia. 84 00:05:27,709 --> 00:05:32,430 And your murder rate has gone up so far, you're casting about 85 00:05:32,430 --> 00:05:36,030 for some way of suggesting peaceful uses of guns. 86 00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:43,230 So, you make a mud gun with seeds in it to plant flowers of hope. 87 00:05:43,230 --> 00:05:46,551 Flowers arrive up in the shape of a gun. 88 00:05:46,551 --> 00:05:50,431 Surely, that's... That's promoting a gun. 89 00:05:50,431 --> 00:05:54,832 You could have a gangsta rapper thinking, "I'm trying to put the guns behind me." 90 00:05:54,832 --> 00:05:58,952 Then, he sees the flower bed and thinks, "A gun, what a great idea." 91 00:05:58,952 --> 00:06:02,472 ALAN: And how convenient - a bullet tree! 92 00:06:07,113 --> 00:06:11,392 Turn your swords into ploughshares or the famous '60s image 93 00:06:11,392 --> 00:06:15,313 of the hippy putting the flower down the barrel of a tank. 94 00:06:15,313 --> 00:06:18,913 But guerrilla gardening is a similar thing. 95 00:06:18,913 --> 00:06:25,074 Guerrilla gardening is where people take random patches of land which they don't own and garden on them. 96 00:06:25,074 --> 00:06:30,114 Yes, exactly. Thank you. That's not confusing to anyone! 97 00:06:30,674 --> 00:06:32,954 Did you hear me say guer-rill-aa! 98 00:06:32,954 --> 00:06:36,474 That's compounding the problem for young people watching 99 00:06:36,474 --> 00:06:40,155 who for years have been thrilled by the words guerrilla warfare! 100 00:06:41,994 --> 00:06:44,995 Watching the news, half the time they're telling you about 101 00:06:44,995 --> 00:06:49,115 the gorillas going extinct and then about the guerrilla fighters killing people! 102 00:06:49,115 --> 00:06:52,276 I'll be quite glad when the gorillas are extinct, actually! 103 00:06:52,276 --> 00:06:54,236 Sending the wrong message, isn't it? 104 00:06:54,236 --> 00:07:00,756 In America, there were problems where people were growing cannabis on that kind of land 105 00:07:00,756 --> 00:07:04,116 land on the edge... on the ramp onto a motorway. 106 00:07:04,116 --> 00:07:07,957 Land you couldn't normally get to, people would use that land and grow cannabis. 107 00:07:07,957 --> 00:07:15,157 You'll be disappointed to hear one anonymous guerrilla gardener planted 3,400 marijuana seedlings 108 00:07:15,157 --> 00:07:18,917 in the grounds of the Californian estate owned by Rupert Murdoch. 109 00:07:18,917 --> 00:07:20,757 That's tough(!) 110 00:07:20,757 --> 00:07:23,078 Very irresponsible, isn't it? 111 00:07:23,078 --> 00:07:27,317 There's a lot of guerrilla-ing about. 3,000 plants. 112 00:07:27,317 --> 00:07:30,758 It's extraordinary. It started, supposedly, in 1973 in New York. 113 00:07:30,758 --> 00:07:35,078 Vancouver is one of the places it's really taken off because 114 00:07:35,078 --> 00:07:38,079 a load of compost was dumped in the street my construction workers 115 00:07:38,079 --> 00:07:40,758 and a local inadvertently emptied all his bird seed onto it. 116 00:07:40,758 --> 00:07:44,759 It flowered so extraordinarily that now almost any spare piece 117 00:07:44,759 --> 00:07:47,199 of land is used as a garden in Vancouver. 118 00:07:47,199 --> 00:07:50,119 It's a good thing, isn't it? 119 00:07:50,119 --> 00:07:52,200 But, I've got some props for you, 120 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:56,599 which is more connected with the principle of the gentleman gardener, 121 00:07:56,599 --> 00:08:02,000 which was a familiar 18th and 19th century pastime, 122 00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:03,640 to be a gentleman gardener. 123 00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:05,520 Have that or pass it on. There you are. 124 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:08,681 And on your side... Isn't it exciting to have props? 125 00:08:08,681 --> 00:08:11,280 Physical, actual props. There you are. 126 00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:13,720 I can see where we're going with this, yes. 127 00:08:15,681 --> 00:08:20,321 So who's going to go first? Everybody's been given fascinating devices 128 00:08:20,321 --> 00:08:22,802 and I've been given a bottle with the top cut off. 129 00:08:24,082 --> 00:08:28,721 That was designed by George Stephenson, of the Rocket fame. The first locomotive. 130 00:08:28,721 --> 00:08:32,962 And it's to do with the garden? It is. He was a very keen gardener. 131 00:08:32,962 --> 00:08:37,483 What did he make most money out of, that or the train? I think... 132 00:08:37,483 --> 00:08:41,402 I think the train was a bigger hit. Right. But he was a keen gentleman gardener. 133 00:08:41,402 --> 00:08:45,163 I bet he was really tedious and wouldn't talk about the train in interviews 134 00:08:45,163 --> 00:08:48,963 and would insist on talking about his bloody bottle. I fear you're right. 135 00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:50,763 "It's the work I'm proudest of." 136 00:08:50,763 --> 00:08:53,924 Yeah but it's crap, it's just a bit of glass with no top. 137 00:08:53,924 --> 00:08:55,644 ALAN: It would protect seeds. 138 00:08:55,644 --> 00:08:59,723 Sunlight, I think, is an important factor. The sunlight. 139 00:08:59,723 --> 00:09:04,684 Cos we've got glass and what can glass do? It can magnify, Stephen, can't it? It can, Rob. 140 00:09:04,684 --> 00:09:07,605 We can do fraction with it, can't we? Yes, or refraction. 141 00:09:07,605 --> 00:09:10,565 Refraction. Whatever, whatever, doesn't matter. 142 00:09:10,565 --> 00:09:15,365 Let's not get bogged down in that. That was silly, I'm sorry. 143 00:09:15,365 --> 00:09:16,885 Oh, hello. 144 00:09:16,885 --> 00:09:19,205 Well, you've found out... 145 00:09:19,205 --> 00:09:21,365 It's a saw. It is. 146 00:09:22,245 --> 00:09:23,926 For a gentleman gardener. 147 00:09:23,926 --> 00:09:27,605 It's got a concealed serrated blade. You won't get this through customs. 148 00:09:27,605 --> 00:09:30,166 You could hijack a plane with one of these. 149 00:09:30,166 --> 00:09:33,286 I can't make it work, though. It'll only go that way. 150 00:09:33,286 --> 00:09:36,526 That's how you start the stroke. It won't go back again. 151 00:09:36,526 --> 00:09:41,486 Have you ever used a saw? Yeah. I don't think it's designed for exercise books. 152 00:09:41,486 --> 00:09:44,526 No. There is that, too. David has a point. 153 00:09:44,526 --> 00:09:46,767 It's for the gentleman farmer... 154 00:09:46,767 --> 00:09:48,767 No! 155 00:09:48,767 --> 00:09:51,167 I want to saw something now. 156 00:09:51,167 --> 00:09:54,248 I... I just want to say... 157 00:09:55,488 --> 00:10:00,167 These have been lent to us by the Garden Museum... It works! 158 00:10:00,167 --> 00:10:03,608 It works, look. Oh, look at that. Oh, my God. 159 00:10:03,608 --> 00:10:05,408 APPLAUSE 160 00:10:08,849 --> 00:10:11,369 I tell you what... 161 00:10:11,369 --> 00:10:13,408 LAUGHTER 162 00:10:14,688 --> 00:10:17,929 I really wish they hadn't made this set out of asbestos. 163 00:10:20,289 --> 00:10:22,129 Brilliant. 164 00:10:22,129 --> 00:10:24,570 That is... That's a very good invention. 165 00:10:24,570 --> 00:10:29,209 It's for the gentleman who's walking along and he sees an overhanging limb of a tree 166 00:10:29,209 --> 00:10:32,530 or limb of a person, for that matter, and decides... 167 00:10:32,530 --> 00:10:33,930 Oh, no! 168 00:10:33,930 --> 00:10:35,810 What have I done? 169 00:10:35,810 --> 00:10:37,850 No! 170 00:10:37,850 --> 00:10:41,930 That's... Oh! It's only plastic. Yeah, I know. 171 00:10:41,930 --> 00:10:45,611 And see if you can tidy it away, class. See if you can do that. 172 00:10:45,611 --> 00:10:47,211 My clever psychology. 173 00:10:47,211 --> 00:10:50,291 Let's see if you're clever enough to hide that saw. 174 00:10:51,731 --> 00:10:54,972 Brilliant. Well, that was great fun. Have you got any more? 175 00:10:54,972 --> 00:10:57,051 Well, David, what about yours? 176 00:10:57,051 --> 00:11:00,892 Yes, I... I don't know. It's like... Yours, actually, is missing a piece. 177 00:11:00,892 --> 00:11:03,372 The Garden Museum, to whom we're very grateful 178 00:11:03,372 --> 00:11:06,892 for lending us these incredibly valuable artefacts... 179 00:11:06,892 --> 00:11:10,813 This would've had a sort of hat to make it like a walking stick, 180 00:11:10,813 --> 00:11:13,092 a sort of leathern thing around there. 181 00:11:13,092 --> 00:11:15,973 So you hold it like that... You hold it as a walking stick 182 00:11:15,973 --> 00:11:20,213 and then when you see some obtrusive weeds, and almost like a golf club, you... 183 00:11:20,213 --> 00:11:24,214 Just a little hoe. You just hoe. Yeah. A little hoe. Yeah. 184 00:11:24,214 --> 00:11:27,653 Not in the street sense it's used in the United States of America. 185 00:11:27,653 --> 00:11:31,454 Which is the sense I usually use that syllable in. Yes, naturally. 186 00:11:31,454 --> 00:11:33,814 So, talking of hoes - Rob. 187 00:11:35,374 --> 00:11:38,495 SHOP BELL TINKLES Oh! That's... Oh, hello. 188 00:11:38,495 --> 00:11:41,135 Sorry. A fly landed on my buzzer 189 00:11:41,135 --> 00:11:45,574 and I tried to use my little hoe and... 190 00:11:45,574 --> 00:11:48,895 My little hoe. It's a new sort of toy for children. 191 00:11:48,895 --> 00:11:53,616 What's your little hoe for? I have no idea, other than I think it's something to do with light. 192 00:11:53,616 --> 00:11:58,335 It's not bad. It actually forces a shape. What sort of shape would something in there be? 193 00:11:58,335 --> 00:12:01,816 Oh, a vegetable? It would have to be a straight vegetable. 194 00:12:01,816 --> 00:12:05,296 Is it for cucumbers? It's for growing straight cucumbers. 195 00:12:05,296 --> 00:12:07,776 Points. And I've mended my walking stick. Yes! 196 00:12:07,776 --> 00:12:10,697 Points all round for Alan Davies. APPLAUSE 197 00:12:10,697 --> 00:12:13,696 There you are. That thing up there, though, Stephen, 198 00:12:13,696 --> 00:12:15,536 it may well be for cucumbers 199 00:12:15,536 --> 00:12:19,737 but that picture is very similar to a spam email that I get sent. 200 00:12:22,857 --> 00:12:26,898 And I have to say, I'll tell you now, don't waste your money, it doesn't work. 201 00:12:29,177 --> 00:12:34,778 Dara, what have you got? I am guessing that you put a mixture of seeds in of different sizes. 202 00:12:34,778 --> 00:12:37,258 Indeed. Cos there are holes of different sizes. 203 00:12:37,258 --> 00:12:41,859 Then if you know what size seed you need, you sprinkle it, 204 00:12:41,859 --> 00:12:44,778 in the most effete gardening way imaginable. Yes. 205 00:12:44,778 --> 00:12:49,619 While actual gardeners would be going, "Oh, well done, m'lud, 206 00:12:49,619 --> 00:12:53,179 "that's really top quality gardening you're doing there." 207 00:12:53,179 --> 00:12:54,740 "Yes, it is." 208 00:12:54,740 --> 00:12:58,259 "I'm rather exhausted now. I may have to go in and have a cocktail." 209 00:12:58,259 --> 00:13:01,099 "I've got a fit of the vapours from my gardening." 210 00:13:01,099 --> 00:13:05,660 So do-nothing gardening is small-scale organic farming with minimal inputs. 211 00:13:05,660 --> 00:13:09,701 Guerrilla gardening is prettying up the 'hood and a jolly good thing. 212 00:13:09,701 --> 00:13:13,220 Now, before we move on, we'd like you to draw now... 213 00:13:13,220 --> 00:13:16,861 You should have a card if you haven't sawn it in half! 214 00:13:16,861 --> 00:13:21,221 We'd like you to draw the world's first novelty teapot. 215 00:13:21,221 --> 00:13:23,421 ALAN COUGHS AND SPITS 216 00:13:24,582 --> 00:13:28,701 Alan?! It all went... Draft in here it turns out. 217 00:13:28,701 --> 00:13:30,701 What did I ask you to draw? 218 00:13:30,701 --> 00:13:32,542 The world's first novelty teapot! 219 00:13:32,542 --> 00:13:34,502 You were listening! That's very good. 220 00:13:34,502 --> 00:13:38,142 It's gone out that side. When you asked me it was still in the middle! 221 00:13:38,142 --> 00:13:41,983 Get drawing. The world's first... You mean reinventing one? 222 00:13:43,422 --> 00:13:45,942 Or there is one we should know about? 223 00:13:47,223 --> 00:13:51,543 This is nice. I like it when the class get on with their pieces. 224 00:13:51,543 --> 00:13:55,104 Busy and quiet. The teacher sits at the front texting her friends! 225 00:13:57,104 --> 00:14:01,143 Do you know that rhyme, I'm a little teapot short and stout, 226 00:14:01,143 --> 00:14:03,744 here's my handle... Oh, bugger. I'm a sugar bowl! 227 00:14:03,744 --> 00:14:06,264 LAUGHTER 228 00:14:12,465 --> 00:14:15,464 How are you doing? Is everyone ready to show yet? 229 00:14:15,464 --> 00:14:19,305 David, you look as if you've finished. Yeah, I'm very pleased with it! 230 00:14:19,305 --> 00:14:21,905 Is it an Indian goddess or a crab? 231 00:14:21,905 --> 00:14:24,466 It's a novelty teapot. 232 00:14:24,466 --> 00:14:25,466 Oh yes! Sorry! 233 00:14:25,466 --> 00:14:30,465 I thought they have a lot of tea in India and their vague goddess is a bit like that. 234 00:14:30,465 --> 00:14:34,906 The best bit... The business end of the teapot is the spout 235 00:14:34,906 --> 00:14:38,146 so someone might have invented one with lots of spouts. 236 00:14:38,146 --> 00:14:42,787 You have to pretty much surround it...! 237 00:14:42,787 --> 00:14:48,587 That thing on the front that looks like an ear is the handle. 238 00:14:48,587 --> 00:14:51,987 Does it come with a cream to treat scalding and burns?! 239 00:14:53,307 --> 00:14:56,988 No, but it came in a society in which the burning of various members of it 240 00:14:56,988 --> 00:14:59,547 was not considered important by those in charge. 241 00:14:59,547 --> 00:15:01,747 Good satirical point! 242 00:15:01,747 --> 00:15:03,308 What have you got Rob? 243 00:15:03,308 --> 00:15:06,228 I've come up with a thing called Handy Tea. 244 00:15:06,228 --> 00:15:10,789 So, it's a teapot... All jokes aside, this could be a goer. 245 00:15:12,469 --> 00:15:16,068 The finger is cocking a snook to authority, that'll appeal to the youngsters. 246 00:15:16,068 --> 00:15:19,429 But the rest of it... And I've called it Handy Tea. 247 00:15:19,429 --> 00:15:26,550 Which finger....? The thumb. No, unless it's the left hand... 248 00:15:26,550 --> 00:15:29,029 ..which has got five fingers! 249 00:15:30,589 --> 00:15:32,870 You're absolutely right, yeah! 250 00:15:32,870 --> 00:15:34,950 It's not anatomically correct. 251 00:15:39,390 --> 00:15:43,590 Contents may differ upon delivery! 252 00:15:43,590 --> 00:15:47,431 Anyway... But there's something for everyone there. 253 00:15:47,431 --> 00:15:49,671 DAVID: It's very wise of you to have signed it. 254 00:15:51,391 --> 00:15:53,791 If you hadn't, I'd have nicked that idea. 255 00:15:53,791 --> 00:15:57,352 I'd probably leave the recording at this point to capitalise on it. 256 00:15:57,352 --> 00:16:02,071 Dara? It's supposed to be an Egyptian character. 257 00:16:02,071 --> 00:16:05,112 Oh, yes! I thought you wanted something historical. 258 00:16:05,112 --> 00:16:09,352 The Egyptian character is doing the traditional hieroglyphic thing 259 00:16:09,352 --> 00:16:11,753 but it pours out of the top. 260 00:16:11,753 --> 00:16:18,033 That's very clever. Unfortunately, I can't draw Egyptian clothes so I've put him in a small tuxedo! 261 00:16:18,033 --> 00:16:22,833 And a dicky bow as if he's on the way to some black tie event. 262 00:16:22,833 --> 00:16:25,914 Maybe the opening of a pyramid. 263 00:16:25,914 --> 00:16:29,793 And you've not only signed it but put a copyright symbol notice. 264 00:16:29,793 --> 00:16:32,394 Just in case that isn't the correct answer. 265 00:16:32,394 --> 00:16:37,314 Superb. Can I just say to David, I've also copyrighted. 266 00:16:37,314 --> 00:16:40,475 You have to put the date if you copyright something! 267 00:16:43,714 --> 00:16:47,915 Do you think I should copyright mine or...? I wouldn't rush! 268 00:16:47,915 --> 00:16:51,195 Save the ink! 269 00:16:51,835 --> 00:16:53,315 Alan, what have you got? 270 00:16:53,315 --> 00:16:56,756 I've done a bloke with a beak... 271 00:16:57,996 --> 00:17:03,836 It's a long, tall pot. Oh, yes. You can fill the feet. That's his arm. 272 00:17:03,836 --> 00:17:07,076 And then it'll all come out of his beak. 273 00:17:07,076 --> 00:17:09,396 His baseball cap is the lid. 274 00:17:09,396 --> 00:17:13,836 The only drawback is you'll need long, thin teabags. 275 00:17:16,116 --> 00:17:19,717 I think that's going to be a hell of a difficult thing to clean. 276 00:17:19,717 --> 00:17:24,117 You shouldn't clean a teapot. You don't clean a teapot, David! 277 00:17:24,117 --> 00:17:26,798 Under no circumstances?! 278 00:17:28,558 --> 00:17:32,077 Provided you only put tea in it! If it's used as a teapot. 279 00:17:32,077 --> 00:17:35,398 If you came in and couldn't find the loo one night! 280 00:17:35,398 --> 00:17:39,678 Only a hunch but I sense a hypothetical situation... 281 00:17:39,678 --> 00:17:44,758 This is not a hypothetical situation. I've only ever used a teapot for tea. 282 00:17:44,758 --> 00:17:48,519 But occasionally if you make tea in a teapot once in a blue moon 283 00:17:48,519 --> 00:17:51,719 in a vague attempt to seem more civilised that you are. 284 00:17:51,719 --> 00:17:55,600 You've still got a bit of tea in it... Oh yeah, you rinse it out. 285 00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:59,040 No, you don't rinse it out because you forget because you're tired 286 00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:01,319 of being civilised and want to go to the pub. 287 00:18:01,319 --> 00:18:04,040 You leave it there for weeks and and months. 288 00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:06,760 When you look in it, it's gone disgustingly mouldy. 289 00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:08,560 And it's talking to you! 290 00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:11,921 At that point, the flavour you would get if you didn't wash it 291 00:18:11,921 --> 00:18:15,360 from your next cup of tea is, if anything, too characterful. 292 00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:21,401 What do you think the first novelty teapots might have been in the shape of? 293 00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:24,121 You've probably seen them, they've become very popular. 294 00:18:24,121 --> 00:18:27,322 A Toby jug or something? 295 00:18:27,402 --> 00:18:33,562 Not quite that so much as cauliflowers and pineapples and things like that. 296 00:18:33,562 --> 00:18:37,642 That's the classic sort but that was very early - Queen Anne's time. 297 00:18:37,642 --> 00:18:40,522 Early 1700s. Mine's much better than that! 298 00:18:40,522 --> 00:18:42,683 Yes, it probably is. 299 00:18:42,683 --> 00:18:45,922 Anyway, we probably ought to move on. 300 00:18:45,922 --> 00:18:50,003 Now, where's the best place in the world to discover an entirely new species? 301 00:18:51,003 --> 00:18:53,203 The National Geographic channel. 302 00:18:55,924 --> 00:18:59,364 That... may be. They're at the forefront. 303 00:18:59,364 --> 00:19:02,443 Do you think you might spot something on the edge of shot 304 00:19:02,443 --> 00:19:04,804 that the documentary makers haven't? 305 00:19:04,804 --> 00:19:08,764 "They're going on about that monkey but that's a totally new caterpillar." 306 00:19:08,764 --> 00:19:13,005 What about the Amazon rainforest, where they discover new things all the time? 307 00:19:13,005 --> 00:19:16,164 ALARM HOOTER 308 00:19:17,004 --> 00:19:20,325 Kent. Yes! That would do. 309 00:19:20,325 --> 00:19:24,365 Kent? Kent would do. Basically, your own garden. Oh! 310 00:19:24,365 --> 00:19:27,526 You may say, "There's nothing new in my garden," 311 00:19:27,526 --> 00:19:28,886 but you would be amazed. 312 00:19:28,886 --> 00:19:32,885 In 1971, Jennifer Owen, a biologist, did a very long-term study 313 00:19:32,885 --> 00:19:35,926 of her ordinary garden in a suburban house in Leicester. 314 00:19:35,926 --> 00:19:43,207 She discovered 533 species ichneumon wasp - just that family of parasitic wasps. 315 00:19:43,207 --> 00:19:45,566 15 of these had never been recorded in Britain, 316 00:19:45,566 --> 00:19:48,046 4 of them were completely new to science. 317 00:19:48,046 --> 00:19:49,527 In a suburban garden. 318 00:19:49,527 --> 00:19:53,247 So in your garden, if you have a garden, there will be things. 319 00:19:53,247 --> 00:19:57,928 Gilbert White, the naturalist, said that nature is so full and so varied 320 00:19:57,928 --> 00:20:02,447 that if you want to find the place with the most variety, it's the place you most study. 321 00:20:02,447 --> 00:20:04,048 It almost doesn't matter. 322 00:20:04,048 --> 00:20:07,168 Just take a piece of land and look at it hard enough, 323 00:20:07,168 --> 00:20:10,768 you will see things that... I'm still going rainforest, I'm sorry. 324 00:20:10,768 --> 00:20:15,488 Yes but you'd have to travel thousands of miles, you'd have to park... Park? 325 00:20:18,488 --> 00:20:22,769 Yes... Cos everyone knows it's a nightmare, parking. 326 00:20:23,849 --> 00:20:28,810 I'm worried that my brain let me say that. "Where am I going to park, with all these trees?" 327 00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:32,969 The congestion charge drives up the cost of research. Nonetheless... 328 00:20:32,969 --> 00:20:34,850 How did she catch these wasps? 329 00:20:34,850 --> 00:20:39,290 Did she put a jam jar with jam in it and a little hole they can't get back out of? 330 00:20:39,290 --> 00:20:41,891 Cos that's what we do in our house. Do you? 331 00:20:41,891 --> 00:20:46,850 Every wasp likes a bit of jam because it's sweet. They love sugary things, as do I. 332 00:20:46,850 --> 00:20:50,011 You know when you find a bee and it's crawling on its last legs? 333 00:20:50,011 --> 00:20:52,091 I rescue them. You give it honey. 334 00:20:52,091 --> 00:20:56,171 The only thing they eat. Makes sense when you think about it. 335 00:20:56,171 --> 00:20:58,532 Yeah! Yeah! 336 00:20:58,532 --> 00:21:00,971 No point just talking to it. Give it honey. 337 00:21:00,971 --> 00:21:04,732 They're very much a one-recipe species, aren't they? That's all they eat. 338 00:21:04,732 --> 00:21:08,812 I'm intrigued because I generally give it the sole of my shoe 339 00:21:08,812 --> 00:21:11,132 but er... you know. 340 00:21:11,132 --> 00:21:12,973 Not to be harsh but you know... 341 00:21:12,973 --> 00:21:15,332 You tread on a struggling, crawling bee? 342 00:21:15,332 --> 00:21:19,093 What? As opposed to rehabilitating it? 343 00:21:19,853 --> 00:21:23,653 I like honey, I have it on my porridge, you murderer. 344 00:21:23,653 --> 00:21:26,974 Yeah, but... We depend on bees. We need the bees. 345 00:21:26,974 --> 00:21:29,414 OK, so in future I should lure the bee back... 346 00:21:29,414 --> 00:21:32,333 I'm sorry, do I get a syringe of honey? A tiny amount? 347 00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:35,614 How do I feed a bee? Get a teaspoon of honey, leave it with it. 348 00:21:35,614 --> 00:21:39,294 Don't tread on it. Should be a criminal offence. You should be arrested. 349 00:21:39,294 --> 00:21:42,455 You should be locked up. You know where? In a hive. 350 00:21:42,455 --> 00:21:46,574 Isn't it true, though, that a bee, in its entire lifetime, 351 00:21:46,574 --> 00:21:51,935 makes an absolutely tiny amount of honey overall? A minute amount. It's just that there's lots of them. 352 00:21:51,935 --> 00:21:55,935 So you don't have to give much rehabilitating honey to this bee 353 00:21:55,935 --> 00:21:59,416 before the nation, the world, is making a net loss. 354 00:21:59,416 --> 00:22:01,375 LAUGHTER That's true! 355 00:22:01,375 --> 00:22:06,936 But they're not... If you only get one teaspoon from a bee's lifetime, 356 00:22:06,936 --> 00:22:09,936 and to get it back on its feet. it takes a teaspoon and a half, 357 00:22:09,936 --> 00:22:11,777 suddenly there's no honey at all. 358 00:22:11,777 --> 00:22:15,736 This is more honey than this bee has seen in its life. 359 00:22:15,736 --> 00:22:18,776 Yes. You're insulting it, apart from anything else. 360 00:22:18,776 --> 00:22:22,537 It's like showing a very tired mason a whole cathedral. 361 00:22:25,417 --> 00:22:28,178 Well, may... APPLAUSE 362 00:22:31,777 --> 00:22:35,338 Well... Let's say that you're in between Alan and Dara. 363 00:22:35,338 --> 00:22:38,618 So like Alan, you want to help the bee, give it honey, 364 00:22:38,618 --> 00:22:41,578 like Dara, you also want to kill, kill, kill. 365 00:22:41,578 --> 00:22:45,778 What you can do is you get what I would term too much honey 366 00:22:45,778 --> 00:22:50,379 and you see the bee and you pour molten honey... No! 367 00:22:50,379 --> 00:22:51,939 Hear me out. All right, OK. 368 00:22:51,939 --> 00:22:55,059 And then you watch him die a slow... 369 00:22:55,059 --> 00:22:57,660 Yes, I carry on with "No!" 370 00:22:57,660 --> 00:23:00,580 Yes, I've now heard you out. Yes? And it's no better. 371 00:23:00,580 --> 00:23:04,059 That's from the both of them. That's worse than what I did. 372 00:23:04,059 --> 00:23:06,300 You're being humane, are you? Yeah, I am. 373 00:23:06,300 --> 00:23:12,621 You're getting a kick out of it. I'm not drowning the bee ironically in honey. 374 00:23:12,621 --> 00:23:13,781 You can't drown bees. 375 00:23:13,781 --> 00:23:18,820 "You want some honey? How much honey do you want? Is this too much honey?" 376 00:23:18,820 --> 00:23:23,581 Not so keen on the honey now, are you? After your lifetime making honey. 377 00:23:23,581 --> 00:23:27,422 You may try and drown bees, Dara, but I will follow you... 378 00:23:27,422 --> 00:23:30,582 I would never drown a bee! 379 00:23:30,582 --> 00:23:34,021 He's a bee-drowner! 380 00:23:34,021 --> 00:23:37,702 If there's a bee in a bath 381 00:23:37,702 --> 00:23:42,623 I don't then go, "Right, get the shoe!" 382 00:23:43,743 --> 00:23:45,583 Your murder is based on circumstance. 383 00:23:45,583 --> 00:23:48,782 If there's a bee that looks as if it's on its way out, 384 00:23:48,782 --> 00:23:51,583 and going, "Drvzzz, drvzzzz, drvzzz"... 385 00:23:51,583 --> 00:23:54,863 The Swiss surgery of bee-keeping, are you? Essentially, yes! 386 00:23:54,863 --> 00:23:57,864 You're trying to give them dignity. Dignitas for bees. 387 00:23:57,864 --> 00:24:00,784 Dignibuzz! 388 00:24:00,784 --> 00:24:03,343 It's what the bee would have wanted! 389 00:24:05,344 --> 00:24:08,784 Very good. Well, thank you for that er... 390 00:24:08,784 --> 00:24:12,465 interesting, fierce and, I think, productive debate. 391 00:24:13,545 --> 00:24:16,264 I feel pleased with that. We're going to move on, now. 392 00:24:16,264 --> 00:24:18,624 The best place, as you didn't quite point out, 393 00:24:18,624 --> 00:24:22,545 to find a new species of plant or animal is in your back garden. 394 00:24:22,545 --> 00:24:25,185 Who finds garden gnomes attractive? 395 00:24:25,185 --> 00:24:30,666 I do. And it's lovely... It's lovely to get the opportunity to admit it in public. 396 00:24:30,666 --> 00:24:31,865 Good. Yeah. 397 00:24:31,865 --> 00:24:34,545 Phwoar, look at that... ALARM HOOTER 398 00:24:36,346 --> 00:24:37,986 APPLAUSE 399 00:24:39,706 --> 00:24:43,187 We knew you... We knew you too well, Rob. 400 00:24:43,187 --> 00:24:46,986 We knew that an Ann Widdecombe gnome would immediately appeal to you. 401 00:24:47,346 --> 00:24:49,786 The bikini's a little bit too small for her. 402 00:24:49,786 --> 00:24:52,947 There's a little bit of overhang there. 403 00:24:54,027 --> 00:24:56,707 But she's had a Brazilian which is thoughtful. 404 00:24:57,948 --> 00:25:01,427 I hate when it goes out... Vile. 405 00:25:01,427 --> 00:25:03,587 The sprouting gnome is not a good thing. 406 00:25:05,668 --> 00:25:09,388 When did gnomes first arrive in British gardens? Do you know? 407 00:25:09,388 --> 00:25:12,548 1922. Bit earlier than that, actually. 408 00:25:12,548 --> 00:25:19,228 1847. And there was a strange man called Charles Isham, who was a vegetarian spiritualist, 409 00:25:19,228 --> 00:25:23,389 who believed that putting ornamental garden gnomes into a garden 410 00:25:23,389 --> 00:25:26,629 would attract real gnomes, that was his sad... 411 00:25:26,629 --> 00:25:29,110 Did he wish to try and kill real gnomes? 412 00:25:29,110 --> 00:25:32,309 No, he wanted to commune with them. Did he want to trap them? 413 00:25:32,309 --> 00:25:34,829 He said, "Seeing gnomes is not mental delusion, 414 00:25:34,829 --> 00:25:37,070 "but extension of faculty." 415 00:25:37,070 --> 00:25:40,790 Right. It's lovely being clever when you're mental. 416 00:25:40,790 --> 00:25:41,870 Yes. 417 00:25:41,870 --> 00:25:46,191 This man, Charles Isham, he introduced 21 porcelain gnomes, 418 00:25:46,191 --> 00:25:49,510 of which one still exists and there it is - the original garden gnome. 419 00:25:49,510 --> 00:25:52,391 It's been insured for some £1 million. 420 00:25:52,391 --> 00:25:55,871 The red cap, which is a feature of all gnomes, it seems - 421 00:25:55,871 --> 00:25:59,912 and you may think there is a family resemblance to that chap and Doc 422 00:25:59,912 --> 00:26:03,431 or one of the other dwarves in Snow White And The Seven Dwarves - 423 00:26:03,431 --> 00:26:08,592 and they were based on this idea that German gnomes or dwarves 424 00:26:08,592 --> 00:26:11,032 had these red caps because they were miners 425 00:26:11,032 --> 00:26:12,752 and German miners wore red caps. 426 00:26:12,752 --> 00:26:17,112 There were in Wastwater in the Lake District, 427 00:26:17,112 --> 00:26:23,153 there were, at 48 metres, there were a whole load of gnomes set deep down for divers to look at. 428 00:26:23,153 --> 00:26:26,593 Three people drowned trying to go and look for them, 429 00:26:26,593 --> 00:26:28,474 so the police took them away. 430 00:26:28,474 --> 00:26:33,393 And the gnome garden was put back at 50 metres this time, 431 00:26:33,393 --> 00:26:34,873 just 2 metres deeper, 432 00:26:34,873 --> 00:26:37,034 and the police didn't take it away. 433 00:26:37,034 --> 00:26:38,954 Can you imagine why that would be? 434 00:26:38,954 --> 00:26:43,555 If they took it away when it was 48 metres and three people drowned, why would they leave it? 435 00:26:43,555 --> 00:26:46,315 Maybe it's a visibility thing. Good effort, but no. 436 00:26:46,315 --> 00:26:48,434 It's too far for the police divers. 437 00:26:48,434 --> 00:26:52,035 The police health and safety people won't let them dive that low, 438 00:26:52,035 --> 00:26:55,035 so the police couldn't recover them from that depth. 439 00:26:57,115 --> 00:27:00,756 That is... That is funny, actually. It is funny. 440 00:27:00,756 --> 00:27:02,115 It somehow is. 441 00:27:02,115 --> 00:27:06,356 Can you imagine, though, if you're able and you don't mind the risk, 442 00:27:06,356 --> 00:27:10,116 why would you choose to do it in a place where instead of seeing a coral reef 443 00:27:10,116 --> 00:27:15,037 or the fantastic wonders of the deep, all you can see is manky old gnomes? 444 00:27:15,037 --> 00:27:18,116 I think the idea was that the lake was incredibly dull 445 00:27:18,116 --> 00:27:23,117 and that people who were practising diving, it was to make it brighter and more interesting. 446 00:27:23,117 --> 00:27:25,517 I've dived for a few years. 447 00:27:25,517 --> 00:27:29,318 Most places are a long way, away in hot countries. 448 00:27:29,318 --> 00:27:33,997 You have to fly and stay in hotels. If you want to dive here there's really very little to see. 449 00:27:33,997 --> 00:27:36,998 In the dive centre in Leicester, there's a big quarry, 450 00:27:36,998 --> 00:27:39,838 and they've put an old aeroplane in it and a bus. Yeah. 451 00:27:39,838 --> 00:27:44,799 Of course, in Scapa Flow there's a scuttled German fleet for you to go and investigate. 452 00:27:44,799 --> 00:27:49,478 Yes. Chilly. A bit chilly. At the end of the First World War, wasn't it? 453 00:27:49,478 --> 00:27:52,919 The allies were all arguing about who were to get this fleet 454 00:27:52,919 --> 00:27:56,319 and we wanted the fleet because we had the biggest fleet... 455 00:27:56,319 --> 00:28:00,600 And Mummy said, "If you're going to argue, no-one will get the fleet." 456 00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:03,399 I didn't know that we sunk the French fleet. We did, yes. 457 00:28:03,399 --> 00:28:05,959 That was much to the annoyance of Charles de Gaulle 458 00:28:05,959 --> 00:28:07,920 but it stopped the Germans getting it. 459 00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:11,200 Also, you don't get many opportunities to sink the French fleet. 460 00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:16,161 So when the French fleet is just sitting there and it's not going to return fire, 461 00:28:16,161 --> 00:28:20,680 you kind of go, "It's the French fleet, it's just there! I've got to sink it. 462 00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:24,241 "Never mind that we're at war with Germany, it's the French fleet. 463 00:28:24,241 --> 00:28:26,361 "We will kick ourselves." 464 00:28:27,081 --> 00:28:31,562 Where was the French fleet when this happened? I think it was off the coast of Morocco. 465 00:28:31,562 --> 00:28:33,601 Why not sail it to England? 466 00:28:33,601 --> 00:28:38,842 We said, "Sail it to England," but the French sailors refused, as they always will. 467 00:28:40,482 --> 00:28:43,202 And option B was, "Let's just sink the boat, then." 468 00:28:43,202 --> 00:28:46,843 Was it not explained to them that the only other option was...? 469 00:28:46,843 --> 00:28:50,842 The third option was to drown them in honey but we couldn't get... 470 00:28:50,842 --> 00:28:54,083 couldn't get enough honey there in time, so... 471 00:28:54,483 --> 00:28:57,723 Yeah. A black chapter amongst many other black chapters 472 00:28:57,723 --> 00:29:02,124 in that sad, melancholy period of history, the war, but er... 473 00:29:02,124 --> 00:29:06,403 On that... On that... melancholy note, 474 00:29:06,403 --> 00:29:09,524 the man who brought garden gnomes to England 475 00:29:09,524 --> 00:29:12,644 did so in the hope of attracting real gnomes to his garden. 476 00:29:12,644 --> 00:29:16,965 Why do American farmers, gentlemen, hate Shakespeare? 477 00:29:17,924 --> 00:29:21,164 There's a picture of American farmers hating Shakespeare. 478 00:29:22,365 --> 00:29:26,765 Something to do with Shakespeare caused immense trouble for American farming. 479 00:29:26,765 --> 00:29:29,326 It's not Shakespeare's fault at all. 480 00:29:29,326 --> 00:29:33,525 Not some farming practice that's hidden away in the sonnets? 481 00:29:33,525 --> 00:29:38,126 It was an eccentric drug manufacturer called Eugene Schieffelin. 482 00:29:38,126 --> 00:29:42,326 And he decided that America should contain examples 483 00:29:42,326 --> 00:29:46,207 of every bird species named in the works of Shakespeare. 484 00:29:46,207 --> 00:29:49,966 And one particular species didn't exist in America... Ah! 485 00:29:49,966 --> 00:29:54,327 ..and he thought, "Oh, I'll introduce these," and he introduced 100 to Central Park 486 00:29:54,327 --> 00:29:59,328 and there are now estimated something like 200 million of them. 487 00:29:59,328 --> 00:30:02,608 It's not the common pigeon, is it? No. 488 00:30:02,608 --> 00:30:06,968 They come in huge flocks. Geese, ducks... Starlings. Starlings is the right answer. 489 00:30:06,968 --> 00:30:08,808 They don't like them because they eat the seeds? 490 00:30:08,808 --> 00:30:15,609 They eat everything... Would they eat a seed ball or seed gun though? 491 00:30:15,609 --> 00:30:18,768 If you point the seed gun at them, I think they'd fly away. 492 00:30:18,768 --> 00:30:22,449 What they do is, they befoul everything that they don't eat, 493 00:30:22,449 --> 00:30:25,129 they're in such huge flocks, vast flocks. 494 00:30:25,129 --> 00:30:28,489 I was on Brighton pier one time and they have lots of starlings there 495 00:30:28,489 --> 00:30:32,850 and at dusk they do that, and it's really amazing to watch. Yeah. 496 00:30:32,850 --> 00:30:36,529 And someone said that starlings come from hundreds of miles away 497 00:30:36,529 --> 00:30:40,570 to join in... The flock. ..this coastal flocking. Yeah. 498 00:30:40,570 --> 00:30:43,330 And they come from as far away as Germany and Poland. 499 00:30:43,330 --> 00:30:47,771 A lot of the Polish ones are coming over here now and taking away the... 500 00:30:47,771 --> 00:30:49,810 a lot of the British starlings' jobs. 501 00:30:49,810 --> 00:30:53,891 You'll see a lot of the British just sat on the prom going, "Bloody typical." 502 00:30:53,891 --> 00:30:57,091 But they're lazy, British starlings - they don't want to work. 503 00:30:57,091 --> 00:31:00,252 They could and join in but they won't, will they? Typical. 504 00:31:00,252 --> 00:31:03,372 You're right. The flocks are up to 1 million, some of them, 505 00:31:03,372 --> 00:31:04,811 I mean, enormous flocks. 506 00:31:04,811 --> 00:31:08,612 And are they just having fun or is it a way of eating? 507 00:31:08,612 --> 00:31:13,572 No, in the case of fish, I know, what they're really doing is presenting an enormous fish 508 00:31:13,572 --> 00:31:16,893 that sort of glistens and frightens some predators 509 00:31:16,893 --> 00:31:19,452 and in other cases, it confuses and dazzles 510 00:31:19,452 --> 00:31:23,973 and they're a lot safer... Starlings are basically scared of sharks 511 00:31:23,973 --> 00:31:28,373 and a shark may leap up at the West Pier... 512 00:31:28,373 --> 00:31:31,734 You may laugh, but when was a starling last killed by a shark? 513 00:31:31,734 --> 00:31:35,293 It works. You're absolutely right. It's 100%... 514 00:31:35,293 --> 00:31:40,134 "It is 100% proven that this shall keep us safe from sharks. Come on, boys." 515 00:31:40,134 --> 00:31:43,454 Voom! And they're like that. So, good, excellent. 516 00:31:43,454 --> 00:31:48,575 Starlings were brought to America in an attempt to introduce all the birds in Shakespeare to the US. 517 00:31:48,575 --> 00:31:49,934 They're now a major pest. 518 00:31:49,934 --> 00:31:54,135 Which is correct of these? 519 00:31:54,135 --> 00:31:56,935 It's grocers' apostrophe. Why does this annoy people? 520 00:31:56,935 --> 00:32:00,416 They're all right. Of course they're all conceivably right. 521 00:32:00,416 --> 00:32:04,615 Oh, is it that obvious? It's a way of asking whether you care about apostrophes. 522 00:32:04,615 --> 00:32:08,296 The grocers' apostrophe is... They put them where they shouldn't be. 523 00:32:08,296 --> 00:32:12,016 They put, like, "potato's" and put an apostrophe there or something. 524 00:32:12,016 --> 00:32:16,977 This doesn't bother you, does it? It doesn't bother me. It bothers me. It bothers some people. 525 00:32:16,977 --> 00:32:21,176 It's not like genocide. People get incredibly annoyed and they form societies 526 00:32:21,176 --> 00:32:23,257 for the protection of the apostrophe. 527 00:32:23,257 --> 00:32:25,977 There's one in Dublin, I don't know if it's a grocer, 528 00:32:25,977 --> 00:32:30,778 but it's G-R-O-C-E-R and then there's a comma and then the S. 529 00:32:31,298 --> 00:32:34,097 And you're going, "You knew something had to go in there. 530 00:32:34,097 --> 00:32:36,937 "You knew something had to go in there but you couldn't..." 531 00:32:36,937 --> 00:32:39,658 And it's like... It looks like a dead apostrophe. 532 00:32:39,658 --> 00:32:41,018 It looks... LAUGHTER 533 00:32:42,258 --> 00:32:44,458 But this guy had printed the sign. 534 00:32:44,458 --> 00:32:46,699 He'd obviously written out 535 00:32:46,699 --> 00:32:50,378 and gone to a sign-printing company, who went "All right, whatever." 536 00:32:51,698 --> 00:32:57,019 You'd think one of the requirements of being a sign-printing company 537 00:32:57,019 --> 00:32:59,939 is having a basic knowledge of where an apostrophe goes. 538 00:32:59,939 --> 00:33:01,660 They know, I'm convinced. 539 00:33:01,660 --> 00:33:05,619 All sign writing companies know, for example, how to spell accommodation. 540 00:33:05,619 --> 00:33:06,899 They must do. Yes! 541 00:33:06,899 --> 00:33:09,860 I reckon they say, "OK, we'll do a sign for your guest house. 542 00:33:09,860 --> 00:33:11,740 "Would you like our normal service 543 00:33:11,740 --> 00:33:15,861 "or our deluxe, five times the price service, where we check the spelling?" 544 00:33:15,861 --> 00:33:20,380 Everyone goes, "We're not going to pay five times as much for you to check the spelling." 545 00:33:20,380 --> 00:33:26,741 They go, "OK. We're going to paint the word accommodation the way you've put it there," 546 00:33:26,741 --> 00:33:30,101 in the knowledge they'll have to get called back all the sooner 547 00:33:30,101 --> 00:33:32,582 when the people realise they've got it wrong. 548 00:33:32,582 --> 00:33:36,341 Every time you see "accommodation" properly painted and misspelt, 549 00:33:36,341 --> 00:33:37,701 the sign writer knew. 550 00:33:37,701 --> 00:33:41,822 He put it up there wrong knowing he'd get a repeat gig. 551 00:33:41,822 --> 00:33:45,142 You can see how long he's been looking for a flat, can't you? 552 00:33:47,343 --> 00:33:50,182 There are very few situations in which this is vital. 553 00:33:50,182 --> 00:33:53,423 Rarely will you run in and go, "Where are the grocers?" 554 00:33:53,423 --> 00:33:57,703 And they go, "Well, there's only me." "But your sign implied there was more than one." 555 00:33:57,703 --> 00:34:01,544 Exactly. Exactly. You're so right. 556 00:34:01,544 --> 00:34:05,983 "I'm looking for three grocers." "Yes, that's the minimum I need, not just one." 557 00:34:05,983 --> 00:34:10,624 People have been ridiculing what's called the grocer's apostrophe since the 18th century. 558 00:34:10,624 --> 00:34:14,984 The Oxford Companion To The English Language notes that "there was never a golden age 559 00:34:14,984 --> 00:34:18,265 "in which the rules for the use of the possessive apostrophe 560 00:34:18,265 --> 00:34:22,784 "were clear-cut and known understood and followed by most educated people." Never. 561 00:34:22,784 --> 00:34:27,825 So some people have, like Birmingham, abolished the apostrophe. I read about this. 562 00:34:27,825 --> 00:34:31,346 Now, are there any places in America where they have an apostrophe? 563 00:34:31,346 --> 00:34:35,025 They have places that are called Something's Creek. Yeah. 564 00:34:35,025 --> 00:34:37,385 Dawson's Creek. Yeah, for example. 565 00:34:37,385 --> 00:34:40,506 Only five places in the whole US have an apostrophe. 566 00:34:40,506 --> 00:34:43,066 One you might have heard of, it's well known, 567 00:34:43,066 --> 00:34:47,547 it's a tourist resort on the East Coast, very upmarket, in New England. 568 00:34:47,547 --> 00:34:49,906 Martha's Vineyard. Martha's Vineyard. 569 00:34:49,906 --> 00:34:52,866 That has an apostrophe and there are four others. 570 00:34:52,866 --> 00:34:55,467 Dave's Vineyard. 571 00:34:55,467 --> 00:34:57,827 Martha's Garden, Martha's Kitchen... 572 00:34:57,827 --> 00:35:00,267 There's Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts. 573 00:35:00,267 --> 00:35:02,148 There's Ike's Point, New Jersey. 574 00:35:02,148 --> 00:35:06,267 The captions are nowhere near where the places are, as you can see. 575 00:35:06,267 --> 00:35:08,948 John E's Pond, Rhode Island. 576 00:35:08,948 --> 00:35:12,308 Carlos Elmer's Joshua View, Arizona. 577 00:35:12,308 --> 00:35:15,308 Clark's Mountain, Oregon, and those are the only ones. 578 00:35:15,308 --> 00:35:19,549 So everywhere else, they said, "Don't bother with the apostrophe, it's confusing, 579 00:35:19,549 --> 00:35:22,628 "makes it not look like a place name." Yeah. It would seem so. 580 00:35:22,628 --> 00:35:26,189 I wouldn't bother with "Carlos Elmer's". Joshua View works fine. 581 00:35:26,189 --> 00:35:29,709 Why do you need Carlos Elmer's specific view of Joshua? 582 00:35:30,789 --> 00:35:33,150 Let's get Joshua up, let's have a look at him. 583 00:35:33,150 --> 00:35:36,869 We don't have to take Carlos Elmer's view. It's a fine view of Joshua. 584 00:35:36,869 --> 00:35:39,790 Anyway, there you are, that's enough apostrophe-ing. 585 00:35:39,790 --> 00:35:42,590 Many people are annoyed by punctuation errors in signs 586 00:35:42,590 --> 00:35:46,351 but for others, grocers are at the forefront of the evolution of language. 587 00:35:46,351 --> 00:35:49,591 How can you be sure that an apple isn't actually a pear, 588 00:35:49,591 --> 00:35:52,070 without tasting it or opening it up? 589 00:35:52,070 --> 00:35:55,951 Are some apples deformed into a sort of pear-shaped way? 590 00:35:55,951 --> 00:35:59,991 There are round pears. That is a very pear-like one there. 591 00:35:59,991 --> 00:36:02,992 That's clearly a pear, I think, but there are round ones. 592 00:36:02,992 --> 00:36:06,191 Is it that you can't do that twisting thing with an apple? 593 00:36:06,191 --> 00:36:09,072 I think pear stems do tend to come off more quickly 594 00:36:09,072 --> 00:36:11,832 but there is an interesting way and that is... Ah! 595 00:36:11,832 --> 00:36:15,272 Ah! Ah! One floats and one doesn't. Which one floats? 596 00:36:15,272 --> 00:36:19,953 Apples float. Apples float. Bobbing for apples, exactly. 597 00:36:19,953 --> 00:36:23,352 This had better work. I'm going to be so embarrassed if it doesn't. 598 00:36:23,352 --> 00:36:25,513 ALAN: Oh, it's like Brainiac. 599 00:36:25,513 --> 00:36:27,913 Whoa! Float! Wow, it's gone really big. 600 00:36:27,913 --> 00:36:30,153 It floats. Wow! Why is that? 601 00:36:30,153 --> 00:36:32,514 A pear. That's a weird looking pear. 602 00:36:32,514 --> 00:36:34,434 Erm... How dare you? 603 00:36:38,113 --> 00:36:39,914 That's wrong. 604 00:36:39,914 --> 00:36:41,274 OK. 605 00:36:42,874 --> 00:36:44,554 Ooh... 606 00:36:44,554 --> 00:36:46,595 Ah! Success. 607 00:36:46,595 --> 00:36:49,355 There you are. Erm... APPLAUSE 608 00:36:49,355 --> 00:36:52,634 Yep, it seems that the pear is denser. 609 00:36:52,634 --> 00:36:55,875 It's odd. You think of them as sweeter and lighter 610 00:36:55,875 --> 00:36:58,635 but actually, they're structurally more dense. 611 00:36:58,635 --> 00:37:01,155 You may try this at home and get a floating pear 612 00:37:01,155 --> 00:37:04,036 or a sinking apple. Don't go to a greengrocer... 613 00:37:04,036 --> 00:37:08,515 Yes. Please don't write in. Write to the British Apostrophe Society. 614 00:37:09,396 --> 00:37:10,796 They'd love to know. 615 00:37:10,796 --> 00:37:13,756 So if someone invites you to play a game of pear bobbing, 616 00:37:13,756 --> 00:37:17,677 basically, they're trying to drown you, yes. 617 00:37:17,677 --> 00:37:19,357 Walk away! 618 00:37:19,357 --> 00:37:25,557 Up at Ullswater, they did pear-bobbing at about 50 metres, I think it was, 619 00:37:25,557 --> 00:37:29,317 but the police decided not to do it, it was too far for them. 620 00:37:29,317 --> 00:37:32,878 Invited by a load of strangely dressed dwarves to go pear-bobbing. 621 00:37:32,878 --> 00:37:35,837 But oddly enough... Oh, I'm going to put this back down. 622 00:37:35,837 --> 00:37:40,718 Oddly enough, the oldest variety of apple in England is called a...? 623 00:37:40,718 --> 00:37:42,638 Granny Smith, Bramley, Cox? 624 00:37:42,638 --> 00:37:43,918 No, a Pearmain. 625 00:37:43,918 --> 00:37:45,758 That brings us onto our next question. 626 00:37:45,758 --> 00:37:49,719 I went to the supermarket and all I wanted was a loaf of bread 627 00:37:49,719 --> 00:37:54,719 and some milk and I came back with a small jar of truffle oil... 628 00:37:54,719 --> 00:37:57,999 a pot of organic anchovy... I remember that day. Brilliant! 629 00:37:57,999 --> 00:37:59,519 LAUGHTER 630 00:37:59,519 --> 00:38:05,520 And a flagon of fermented essence of Vietnamese sucking goat and a small curly-headed chap. 631 00:38:06,359 --> 00:38:09,399 All I wanted was bread and milk. 632 00:38:09,399 --> 00:38:12,680 Early onset dementia, Stephen. That's what it is. 633 00:38:12,680 --> 00:38:16,240 They're with how they put things in aisles and catch you out. 634 00:38:16,240 --> 00:38:19,881 You end up with a Swiss roll you had no intention of buying! 635 00:38:19,881 --> 00:38:22,560 There's a huge science to the placing of products. 636 00:38:22,560 --> 00:38:25,481 There's a thing called the Gruen transfer. 637 00:38:25,481 --> 00:38:29,681 Victor Gruen was considered the father of this whole business. 638 00:38:29,681 --> 00:38:33,082 Apparently men buy things from higher up. 639 00:38:33,082 --> 00:38:35,162 They're also more likely to pay more. 640 00:38:35,162 --> 00:38:39,842 So, everyday things that women are more likely to buy are at 3-4 feet, 641 00:38:39,842 --> 00:38:42,442 the more expensive premium goods are higher up. 642 00:38:42,442 --> 00:38:46,642 The men will pluck those, "Yeah, that's the most expensive, it must be the best." 643 00:38:46,642 --> 00:38:48,363 Cos we're stupid like that! 644 00:38:48,363 --> 00:38:50,883 And women will say, that's a good price, I'll get that. 645 00:38:50,883 --> 00:38:55,603 And they play different music because you're price sensitive 646 00:38:55,603 --> 00:38:57,483 at different times of the day. 647 00:38:57,483 --> 00:39:00,883 It's more sedate in the afternoon 648 00:39:00,883 --> 00:39:04,404 but by before they close they speed up the music 649 00:39:04,404 --> 00:39:06,923 in order to make you shop faster. 650 00:39:06,923 --> 00:39:09,723 And also the people go, beep, beep, beep, quicker 651 00:39:09,723 --> 00:39:11,444 as the music develops a beat. 652 00:39:11,444 --> 00:39:15,204 DAVID: Start playing the Crimson Tide music. 653 00:39:15,204 --> 00:39:18,005 People shop like their lives depend on it. 654 00:39:18,005 --> 00:39:21,324 We're all victim to this. 655 00:39:21,324 --> 00:39:24,684 I like to think of myself as an independently minded person 656 00:39:24,684 --> 00:39:30,085 I've gone into these shops wanting four things and come out with 20. 657 00:39:30,085 --> 00:39:32,526 They make them look nice, then you go home and enjoy them. 658 00:39:32,526 --> 00:39:35,206 It's not like you go, "This is just tar!" 659 00:39:35,206 --> 00:39:40,126 Why the hell did they make me buy this. It's still a packet of biscuits. 660 00:39:40,126 --> 00:39:43,766 "Thank God I bought that nice packet of biscuits, I'll have that now." 661 00:39:43,766 --> 00:39:45,686 There's an element of that. 662 00:39:45,686 --> 00:39:51,806 ..as if they've been foisted upon us. "Ha, ha, ha. They've bought our tar biscuits again!" 663 00:39:54,006 --> 00:39:57,767 Take all the good things off the shelves, only tar from here on. 664 00:39:57,767 --> 00:40:00,087 That's enough about that. 665 00:40:00,087 --> 00:40:04,288 Shops have a number of tricks in order to trick us into buying things we don't need. 666 00:40:04,288 --> 00:40:07,767 When you've fallen for them, you're the victim of a Gruen transfer. 667 00:40:07,767 --> 00:40:13,328 And now it's time for five items or fewer of General Ignorance. Fingers on buzzers. 668 00:40:13,328 --> 00:40:15,648 What are trees made of? SHOP BELL TINGS 669 00:40:15,648 --> 00:40:17,328 Wood! Is the right answer. 670 00:40:17,328 --> 00:40:19,249 Yes, well done! APPLAUSE 671 00:40:19,249 --> 00:40:20,809 You were lucky! 672 00:40:21,528 --> 00:40:25,849 You see? And what is wood made of? 673 00:40:25,849 --> 00:40:27,449 Erm... Er... 674 00:40:27,889 --> 00:40:29,929 Carbon? Yes. 675 00:40:29,929 --> 00:40:33,050 And where does the carbon come from? The earth. 676 00:40:33,050 --> 00:40:34,330 The earth? Yeah. 677 00:40:34,330 --> 00:40:36,729 ALARM SOUNDS Oh! 678 00:40:39,169 --> 00:40:44,170 No, you'd think what makes up a tree was drawn up from the soil in nutrients... It's air, is it? 679 00:40:44,170 --> 00:40:49,651 The vast majority of everything that makes a tree a tree comes from the air, yeah. 680 00:40:49,651 --> 00:40:53,730 Photosynthesis, which breaks down the air, and leaves the carbon 681 00:40:53,730 --> 00:40:56,611 and that's the carbon in a tree, so it is made of carbon. 682 00:40:56,611 --> 00:40:59,251 But it's quite surprising, isn't it? Good. 683 00:40:59,251 --> 00:41:01,851 What makes Australian spiders so dangerous? 684 00:41:01,851 --> 00:41:05,372 It's their cunning and their organisation, Stephen. 685 00:41:05,372 --> 00:41:08,211 The fact they're willing to put the man hours in. Yeah! 686 00:41:08,211 --> 00:41:10,491 They will stalk you for weeks, 687 00:41:10,491 --> 00:41:12,972 they'll look for patterns in your behaviour 688 00:41:12,972 --> 00:41:15,412 and they'll strike when you least expect it. 689 00:41:15,412 --> 00:41:18,293 Just as you're hovering over a poorly bee, 690 00:41:18,293 --> 00:41:20,413 holding a shoe high, 691 00:41:20,413 --> 00:41:22,252 one'll come and bite you in the bum. 692 00:41:22,252 --> 00:41:25,532 You mean the spider is working with the bee? Yes. 693 00:41:25,532 --> 00:41:30,893 The bee is saying, "There's not much longer left for me, we'll have a bit of fun here, come on, bite him." 694 00:41:30,893 --> 00:41:33,734 So is it that they sort of hide in loos? 695 00:41:33,734 --> 00:41:35,334 Well, not deliberately 696 00:41:35,334 --> 00:41:38,893 but the only real danger they seem to threat these days 697 00:41:38,893 --> 00:41:43,094 since 1981, when antivenoms were introduced all round Australia... 698 00:41:43,094 --> 00:41:47,094 There are two very poisonous types, the redback and the funnel-web. 699 00:41:47,094 --> 00:41:50,495 The redback's very common. Is it the reaction, the way people...? 700 00:41:50,495 --> 00:41:55,454 No-one has died from a spider bite since 1981, no-one in Australia, 701 00:41:55,454 --> 00:41:59,175 but people have been in accidents, which have been fatal some of them 702 00:41:59,175 --> 00:42:00,895 and have caused enormous damage, 703 00:42:00,895 --> 00:42:04,776 from spiders that have dropped out of sun visors in cars 704 00:42:04,776 --> 00:42:08,255 and people have gone, "Uh!" like that and then crashed. 705 00:42:08,255 --> 00:42:11,176 So that's their danger, now, not their venom. 706 00:42:11,176 --> 00:42:14,496 And so it's time for our guests to reap what they have sown. 707 00:42:14,496 --> 00:42:16,896 I'm going to have a look at the old scoreboard. 708 00:42:16,896 --> 00:42:19,057 Oh, my goodnight. 709 00:42:19,057 --> 00:42:21,817 It's a tie for first place, ladies and gentlemen. 710 00:42:21,817 --> 00:42:24,056 That hasn't happened for a very long time, 711 00:42:24,056 --> 00:42:26,217 not since all round here was green fields. 712 00:42:26,217 --> 00:42:27,417 Erm... 713 00:42:27,417 --> 00:42:30,577 And in first place it's the two Ds with three points each, 714 00:42:30,577 --> 00:42:32,337 Dara and David! 715 00:42:32,337 --> 00:42:33,778 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 716 00:42:33,778 --> 00:42:35,858 Congratulations. 717 00:42:37,937 --> 00:42:43,138 In a very... In a very creditable third place, smelling of roses still, 718 00:42:43,138 --> 00:42:45,538 at minus 6, it's Rob Brydon. 719 00:42:45,538 --> 00:42:48,619 APPLAUSE 720 00:42:48,619 --> 00:42:51,579 And going down to the bottom of the garden to eat worms, 721 00:42:51,579 --> 00:42:53,498 with minus eight, is Alan Davies. 722 00:42:53,498 --> 00:42:55,098 CHEERING 723 00:42:55,098 --> 00:42:57,419 Ah, dear. 724 00:43:01,179 --> 00:43:04,460 So that's it from Rob, Dara, David, Alan and me 725 00:43:04,460 --> 00:43:07,180 and I leave you with a quotation from Eric Morecambe. 726 00:43:07,180 --> 00:43:09,819 "My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower 727 00:43:09,819 --> 00:43:11,540 "and I told him of course he could, 728 00:43:11,540 --> 00:43:13,980 "so long as he didn't take it out of my garden." 729 00:43:14,980 --> 00:43:16,300 Thank you and goodnight.