2 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:36,640 Good evening. Good evening. Good evening. Good evening and welcome to QI. 3 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:40,400 The 640-pound gorilla of panel shows. 4 00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:45,500 Joining me in the quite interesting enclosure in the zoo tonight are a magnificent silverback: 5 00:00:45,500 --> 00:00:46,500 Bill Bailey! 7 00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:53,720 A majestic alpha male: Sean Lock! 9 00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:59,840 An exotic bird of paradise: Sandi Toksvig! 11 00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:08,000 And our faithful old curly-haired retriever: Alan Davies! 13 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:18,760 But... But for tonight only, an extra treat, all the way from America, it's mister John Hodgman! 15 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:29,000 Now each of their buzzers is more beastly than the next. Bill goes: 17 00:01:32,500 --> 00:01:33,680 Sean goes: 19 00:01:37,500 --> 00:01:38,600 Sandi goes: 21 00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:43,280 Alan goes: 23 00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:51,600 And because he doesn't actually have a built-in mushroomoid, John goes: 25 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:57,480 Excellent. Now, tonight, we are on the hunt for "G-animals". 26 00:01:57,480 --> 00:02:00,500 Any animals that start with a G are fair game. 27 00:02:00,500 --> 00:02:03,920 What use is a goose? 28 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:06,320 Sandi Toksvig? 29 00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:09,440 Is it toilet paper? 30 00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:11,520 No, no, seriously, is it? 31 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:15,500 Sandi, that is bizarre. Why do you say that? 32 00:02:15,500 --> 00:02:17,960 Well, because I once read this book by Rabelais. 33 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:19,480 I think it was called Gargantua. 34 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:26,040 And he recommended that the best thing for toilet paper was a live goose. 35 00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:31,000 And I have yet to check into a five-star hotel without a sense of disappointment. 36 00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:35,120 I have the quotation from Rabelais's Gargantua. 37 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:38,520 I'll give it to you in full because it's pretty extraordinary. 38 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:41,520 "I have answered Gargantua, 'by a long a curious experience, 39 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:46,440 found out a means to wipe my bum. The most lordly, the most excellent, and the most convenient 40 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:50,120 that was ever seen. I wiped my tail with a hen, with a cock, 41 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:54,480 with a pullet, with a calf's skin, with a hare, with a pigeon, with a cormorant, 42 00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:58,600 with an attorney's bag, with a montero..." Whatever that is... 43 00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:01,160 In the inside of his toilet, there's a whole loads of... 44 00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:03,640 "With a falconer's lure..." 45 00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:06,240 And that's why he was thrown out of the pet shop. 46 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:10,200 - "You're barred!" - "Get out!" 47 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:12,280 "Oh, I'm having a wipe, come on!" 48 00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:15,480 - "I've told you before..." - "But to conclude..." 49 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:22,400 "I say and maintain that of all the torcheculs arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, 50 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:29,120 bunghole cleansers and wipe breeches, there is none in the world comparable 51 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,800 to the neck of a goose that is well-downed, 52 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:34,240 if you hold her head betwixt your legs." 53 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:39,520 "And, believe me, therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nock hole, 54 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,840 - a most wonderful pleasure..." - Yes. 55 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:46,000 "Where in regard of the softness of said down and of the temperate heat of the goose 56 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:50,200 which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest of the inwards, 57 00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:53,760 in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains." 58 00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:57,640 Why do we need swear words when you've got "nock hole"? 59 00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:05,240 - Can I clear one thing out, is it alive? - I fear it probably is. 60 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:07,800 - I believe that adds a frisson to it. - It has to be alive, doesn't it? 61 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,920 'Cause then you can turn it and laugh in its face. 62 00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:13,960 Ha-ha! 63 00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:16,840 We are the master race! 64 00:04:17,500 --> 00:04:20,500 Imagine now, 'cause there's Sharmin, there's double layered toilet paper now, isn't there? 65 00:04:20,500 --> 00:04:21,500 There is. 66 00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:25,500 The Americans will probably use two geese next, wouldn't they? For that extra softness. 67 00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:31,500 People have been saying for years: "Why are geese so angry? What's wrong with geese? Why are they so furious?" 68 00:04:31,500 --> 00:04:32,500 Now we know. 69 00:04:33,500 --> 00:04:38,500 If there were one animal that I would never put anywhere near my bum, it would be a goose. 70 00:04:39,500 --> 00:04:40,500 There's certainly many other choices of animals, 71 00:04:40,500 --> 00:04:42,500 - you don't want near your nockhole. - Scorpion. 72 00:04:43,500 --> 00:04:44,500 No, that could be fun. 73 00:04:44,500 --> 00:04:49,500 Get a scorpion to do it and he can get all those tricky little nibbly bits. 74 00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:54,500 He's got the claws. 75 00:04:54,500 --> 00:04:56,500 It's not absorbent enough. It's not absorbent enough. 76 00:04:56,500 --> 00:04:58,500 What about a hedgehog? Is that absorbent? 77 00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,500 - That would get all the bits and it's absorbent. - Yes. 78 00:05:04,500 --> 00:05:07,500 You could get the bits with the top half and whip it round and get the soft part... 79 00:05:07,500 --> 00:05:10,500 Brilliant. Brilliant. You may be on to something. 80 00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:11,500 - Yeah! - Yeah. 81 00:05:11,500 --> 00:05:15,500 Sounds absurd, but we have just heard that a man did wipe his arse with a goose. 82 00:05:16,500 --> 00:05:18,500 So I think you're right, one to wipe, one to polish. 83 00:05:18,500 --> 00:05:19,500 - Yeah. - Perfect. 84 00:05:20,500 --> 00:05:22,500 - There are other things geese can do. - Goose fat. 85 00:05:22,500 --> 00:05:26,500 - Goose fat. What do you use goose fat for? - Frying potatoes. 86 00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:29,500 - Weapons? - Frying potatoes. It's the best roast potatoes possible. 87 00:05:29,500 --> 00:05:31,500 - It's the best fat. - It is. 88 00:05:31,500 --> 00:05:35,500 - It burns at a higher temperature. - Exactly! 89 00:05:35,500 --> 00:05:38,500 So that you can roast things more adequately. 90 00:05:38,500 --> 00:05:42,500 But, there is another use for goose fat that used to be common. 91 00:05:42,500 --> 00:05:44,500 - Ca... Um... - David Walliams, if I was to say. 92 00:05:44,500 --> 00:05:45,500 - Covering yourself in... - Oh, swimming. 93 00:05:45,500 --> 00:05:46,500 Swimming the channel. 94 00:05:46,500 --> 00:05:50,500 They don't any more, because when they rescue people, they slip out of their grasp. 95 00:05:52,500 --> 00:05:54,500 - Let's go... - Watchdogs. Aren't they good watchdogs? 96 00:05:54,500 --> 00:05:57,500 Ah! Yes. They say they're great watchdogs, as you rightly say. 97 00:05:57,500 --> 00:05:58,500 - Better than a dog, apparently. - Yes 98 00:05:59,500 --> 00:06:02,500 - Anything else? - Um, a guide goose for the blind. 99 00:06:04,500 --> 00:06:06,500 A seeing-eye goose. 100 00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:10,500 In the world of weaponry, they were very popular for...? 101 00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:12,500 Aim. They've got brilliant aim. 102 00:06:13,500 --> 00:06:15,500 - They have. - Very steady hands. 103 00:06:16,500 --> 00:06:19,500 Who made a famous appearance at the Nottingham Goose Fair, according to myth and legend? 104 00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:20,500 - Robin Hood. - Puff Daddy. 105 00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:27,500 It's like herding cats, isn't it? 106 00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:32,500 - I once opened the goose fair. It was Robin Hood. - Good girl. Robin Hood. Thank you. 107 00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:33,500 You're teacher's favourite tonight. 108 00:06:33,500 --> 00:06:36,500 - And he was a goose? - No, but what was Robin Hood famous for? 109 00:06:36,500 --> 00:06:38,500 - Killing geese. - Killing geese. 110 00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:41,500 Do that lovely mime again. 111 00:06:41,500 --> 00:06:43,500 - Stretching a goose... - And where would the goose come in use? 112 00:06:43,500 --> 00:06:45,500 - This is wiping his bum with a goose. - Yeah! 113 00:06:45,500 --> 00:06:49,500 - The feathers on the arrows! - The fletching, exactly. 114 00:06:49,500 --> 00:06:51,500 - The feathers. The fletching. - Oh! 115 00:06:51,500 --> 00:06:55,500 - Goose feathers for arrows, so that's a good one. - Why has it got orange feet? 116 00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:58,500 Because that's what they eat: Oranges. It's like flamingos with prawns. 117 00:06:58,500 --> 00:06:59,500 Geese eat oranges. 118 00:07:01,500 --> 00:07:04,500 - Air safety. - Air safety. 119 00:07:04,500 --> 00:07:07,500 - So they can wave each other in. - Yeah! That's it. 120 00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:12,500 What about gooseberries? Why are the called gooseberries? 121 00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:15,500 That was the mood, the guy who named them was in that day. 122 00:07:15,500 --> 00:07:16,500 - Yeah. - Right. 123 00:07:16,500 --> 00:07:18,500 "It's all right, I'll just call them gooseberries." 124 00:07:18,500 --> 00:07:19,500 - Yeah. - Is it... 125 00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:22,500 It could have been raspberries. Or strawberries... 126 00:07:22,500 --> 00:07:24,500 - That would have been taken. - They where taken. 127 00:07:24,500 --> 00:07:27,500 Is it before the storks took over the whole baby delivering thing? 128 00:07:27,500 --> 00:07:29,500 Ah! Now, why the gooseberry bush? 129 00:07:29,500 --> 00:07:33,500 I don't know, I started and had no idea where I was going with that... 130 00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:36,500 19th century slang, "gooseberry bush" meant...? 131 00:07:36,500 --> 00:07:41,500 - Was it a girl's front area? - Pudende. Yes, exactly! 132 00:07:41,500 --> 00:07:42,500 A girl's bush was known as "the gooseberry bush". 133 00:07:42,500 --> 00:07:45,500 Therefore, babies came out of the gooseberry bush, basically, 'cause they do. 134 00:07:45,500 --> 00:07:48,500 Is this pre-Brazilian times? 135 00:07:50,500 --> 00:07:51,500 It surely was. 136 00:07:53,500 --> 00:07:55,500 - Now... - There's more of a landing strip now, with the geese... 137 00:07:59,500 --> 00:08:00,500 Oh, dear! 138 00:08:01,500 --> 00:08:02,700 Now I made myself feel unwell... 139 00:08:04,500 --> 00:08:10,500 So that's good. No, apparently gooseberries just tastes very good with goose. I was often served as a condiment. 140 00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:16,500 There's the bar-headed goose. They can fly unbelievable distances. 141 00:08:16,500 --> 00:08:18,500 - Up to ten miles. - They can... 142 00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:20,500 And backwards. They can fly backwards. 143 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,500 - Thousands of miles, they fly. - With their eyes tightly shut. 144 00:08:23,500 --> 00:08:28,500 They have a technique for increasing their range by 70%. 145 00:08:28,500 --> 00:08:29,500 - What is it? - Landing on a boat. 146 00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:30,500 That's what I'm asking you. 147 00:08:31,500 --> 00:08:33,500 - Landing on what? - On a boat. 148 00:08:35,500 --> 00:08:37,500 Uh, no. It's not... 150 00:08:38,500 --> 00:08:42,500 Imagining that before man had any method of technological transport. 151 00:08:42,500 --> 00:08:45,500 - Gliding on air. Hot air. - Grabbing on to other... 152 00:08:45,500 --> 00:08:47,500 Lying. Birds used to lie about where they've been. 153 00:08:49,500 --> 00:08:51,500 "Oh, I've been miles over there." 154 00:08:52,500 --> 00:08:54,500 They'd fly over the mountain and just waiting... 155 00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:57,500 No. When you see geese in the air, there's a shape, isn't there? What is it? 156 00:08:57,500 --> 00:08:58,500 - A V. - A flying... 157 00:08:58,500 --> 00:08:59,500 A V formation. 158 00:08:59,500 --> 00:09:03,500 - It reduces wind shear, when following... - Oh! Extra points to our popular American visitor. 159 00:09:03,500 --> 00:09:06,500 Exactly right. Yes. It's the vortices. 160 00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:09,500 It calms the air and all the ones behind have less to fight against. 161 00:09:09,500 --> 00:09:10,500 But do they take turns? 162 00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:12,500 - I think they do take turns. - 'Cause the front goose's gotta take a lot of... 163 00:09:12,500 --> 00:09:14,500 - Yeah. - It's gotta be the worst. 164 00:09:14,500 --> 00:09:16,500 No, he's scared. He's got no one protecting him. 165 00:09:16,500 --> 00:09:17,500 - Exactly. - Or she. 166 00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:21,500 Or she, exactly. I could be a gander or a goose. Ehm... 167 00:09:21,500 --> 00:09:22,500 Well, what's good for the other is one... 168 00:09:24,500 --> 00:09:25,500 It's all equal. 169 00:09:25,500 --> 00:09:27,500 - I believe you're right. - Yes. It's... Yeah. 170 00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:30,500 How do you suppose they take those photographs? You think it's it a passing parachutist, that goes, 171 00:09:30,500 --> 00:09:32,500 "That's a bit of luck, there's some geese going by"? 172 00:09:33,500 --> 00:09:35,500 There's a goose going like that. 173 00:09:38,500 --> 00:09:39,500 He's got his phone out. 174 00:09:41,500 --> 00:09:43,500 "That's a good one. That's a good one." 175 00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:48,500 - Did I mention chimney sweeps? - Oh, yeah. They fly up and whoosh! 176 00:09:48,500 --> 00:09:51,500 Exactly! So they're used as chimney sweeps. How? 177 00:09:51,500 --> 00:09:54,500 Well, actually, now don't you drop them from the top? Isn't that what you do? 178 00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:56,500 - Yeah. - They used chickens for that, as well. 179 00:09:56,500 --> 00:09:59,500 - Yeah. And as they flap their wings... - As they flap down, they clear the chimney. 180 00:09:59,500 --> 00:10:01,500 - Yeah. - Mad badgers, as well. 181 00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:07,500 - Are horses used for that? - Clean as a whistle. 182 00:10:07,500 --> 00:10:10,500 - No, they don't use horses. - It's a squeeze, but they get them down there. 183 00:10:12,500 --> 00:10:14,500 But the uses for gooses, or the ease of geese... 184 00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:18,500 - Range from... - Is the next question the habits of rabbits? 185 00:10:19,500 --> 00:10:20,500 Oh, I wish that it... 185 00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:22,500 I wish that it where. 186 00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:24,500 "How far can you shove a dove?" 187 00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:29,500 Hats of cats. That's my offer. 188 00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:30,500 Stop it! 189 00:10:30,500 --> 00:10:33,500 Anyway the uses of gooses range from burglar alarms to chimney sweeps, 190 00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:36,500 not to mention excellent roast potatoes as John pointed out. 191 00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:39,500 Which brings us to giraffes. 192 00:10:39,500 --> 00:10:43,500 Now. Tell me why giraffes have such short necks. 193 00:10:43,500 --> 00:10:44,500 - Short necks? - Mmm. 194 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:46,200 - Uh... - Uh... 195 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:47,200 - What? - What? 196 00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:48,500 Is it... 197 00:10:48,500 --> 00:10:50,500 They're tall... They've got long necks. 198 00:10:50,500 --> 00:10:54,500 As my old uncle used to say, "The other man's arse is always cleaner", because I used to dream... 199 00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:57,500 Look at that giraffe there! Look where he's going! Look where he's going! Look at that! Look at that! 200 00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:00,800 No! 201 00:11:02,500 --> 00:11:03,500 Oh! 203 00:11:03,500 --> 00:11:07,500 - He's going there... - And he's doing it again! He's going again! 204 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:08,500 Oh, my! 205 00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:10,500 - Awww! - Yay! 206 00:11:11,500 --> 00:11:12,500 Get off his knock hole! 207 00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:15,500 I like the other giraffes going, "What are YOU looking at?!" 208 00:11:17,500 --> 00:11:20,500 He's gonna... He should... You're supposed to use a goose for that! 209 00:11:22,500 --> 00:11:24,500 They're on lookout. 210 00:11:24,500 --> 00:11:26,500 The other one's going, "Go for it, Gary. Go for it!" 211 00:11:28,500 --> 00:11:31,500 They have got a really, really, really long tongue. A giraffe. 212 00:11:32,500 --> 00:11:33,500 They really have! 213 00:11:34,500 --> 00:11:35,500 It's about two feet long. 214 00:11:35,500 --> 00:11:38,500 A giraffe's tongue is long enough to clean out their own ears. 215 00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:42,500 Did you know that? And that is why you never them in Boots buying cotton buds... 216 00:11:43,500 --> 00:11:46,500 - I wondered what the reason was... - That's not where a giraffe's ears are. 217 00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:48,500 No, he's just... 218 00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:52,500 - It's another giraffe's bottom. - It's an anagram... 219 00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:55,500 -"Ears" is an anagram. - Yeah. Thank you. 220 00:11:55,500 --> 00:11:56,500 - So, that's why. - Oh! 221 00:11:57,500 --> 00:12:01,500 As we watch the loop of shame, perhaps... 222 00:12:02,500 --> 00:12:05,500 ...you could favour me with answers to why they have such short necks? 223 00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:09,200 Are you telling me that that long thing, leading up to their head is not their neck? 224 00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:10,500 No. That's their neck. 225 00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:14,500 The thing about that clip, is the fact that there must be something a lot weirder going on, 226 00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:15,500 that THEY'RE looking at. 227 00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:19,500 It's probably... 228 00:12:19,500 --> 00:12:23,500 Like a wildebeest, just pleasuring himself on a rock. 229 00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:28,500 And then... People going, "He's licking that one's arse, nevermind about that!" 230 00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:32,500 What we can see is disgusting! 231 00:12:34,500 --> 00:12:39,500 Just out of shot, there's a big branch of Dixons, and they're all just looking in the windows... 232 00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:41,500 - At themselves. On a screen. - Yes. 233 00:12:42,500 --> 00:12:46,500 "I heard there's a problem on the tail, maybe I should fix it just here?" 234 00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:51,500 I once knew a couple who... Who got stuck in their car in Kenya. 235 00:12:51,500 --> 00:12:56,500 They imported their Mini into Kenya. And they where driving along and they stopped 236 00:12:56,500 --> 00:13:01,500 to look at some animals. And a giraffe... Fancied the look of this Mini. 237 00:13:01,500 --> 00:13:04,500 And he tried to mount it, from behind. This is true! He tried to mount it from behind. 238 00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:08,500 Yes! And he got stuck over the... And they couldn't open the doors. 239 00:13:10,500 --> 00:13:15,500 This is... I don't know how they got out in... I mean, I think he'd finished his pleasure... 240 00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:17,500 Did they have a rear wiper? That might have helped. 241 00:13:19,500 --> 00:13:21,500 It might have brought things to a conclusion. 242 00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:25,500 "Oh! That's doing it! Oh yeah! I like that!" 243 00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:27,500 And is that what they put on the insurance claim, is it? 244 00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:33,500 Now, when I say that they have short necks, why would I say they have short necks? 245 00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:36,500 - Because you're wrong. - Because it's annoying. I don't know. 246 00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:39,500 It's in relation to their legs, their necks are short. 247 00:13:40,500 --> 00:13:43,500 In order to drink water, most animals, like deer, 248 00:13:43,500 --> 00:13:47,500 they don't have to splay out in that very vulnerable and unbalanced 249 00:13:47,500 --> 00:13:50,500 and quite tricky position in order to have a sip of water, 250 00:13:50,500 --> 00:13:54,500 but if their necks were longer, they would just dip down and drink the water instead. 251 00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:57,500 Because their legs are so long, is the point. 252 00:13:57,500 --> 00:14:01,500 I have had a stance like that, myself, in the odd public house, I have to say. 253 00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:02,500 It looks familiar. 254 00:14:03,500 --> 00:14:06,500 - Is that when you spill your pint on the floor? - Yeah, and the thing, I'm not wasting that. 255 00:14:10,500 --> 00:14:13,500 So, I mean, it's important for it to have long legs, why is it important to have long legs? 256 00:14:13,500 --> 00:14:19,500 Well, that might bring us to the next question: Why do giraffes have such long necks? 257 00:14:21,500 --> 00:14:24,500 I presume so they can eat things in the trees. 258 00:14:24,500 --> 00:14:26,500 - Yeah! On the tops of trees. - So they can see? 259 00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:27,500 Oh... 260 00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:32,500 Is that not true then, Stephen? 261 00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:38,500 Well, actually, they don't eat from the tops of trees. They bend their necks to eat. 262 00:14:38,500 --> 00:14:42,500 But the giraffologist community is rather split along two lines. 263 00:14:42,500 --> 00:14:47,500 The real reason is, many, many people believe, is... See if you can guess. 264 00:14:47,500 --> 00:14:49,200 What... I mean, so many things... 265 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:52,200 Seeing a long distance. Seeing over things? 266 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:54,500 That is very useful to see each other, to see other things. 267 00:14:54,500 --> 00:14:56,500 - See who's on the top deck of the bus. - Yeah. They're in large groups. 268 00:14:56,500 --> 00:14:59,500 People used to think they were solitary, but they realised they're in groups, 269 00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:03,500 but the groups were just simply, very spread out because they can see each other. 270 00:15:03,500 --> 00:15:06,500 But a lot of animals have things and objects, 271 00:15:06,500 --> 00:15:09,500 and the most notable thing about them is there for what reason? 272 00:15:09,500 --> 00:15:13,500 Why does a rhino have a horn? Why do deer have antlers? 273 00:15:13,500 --> 00:15:15,500 So people will put them in zoos. 274 00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:18,200 Which is all they want in their life. 275 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,500 If they didn't have long necks, people wouldn't go and see them, would they? 276 00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:24,500 - Do they fight with their necks? - They fight. They fight other males. 277 00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:28,500 - Ooh, ow! - That's what they do. 278 00:15:28,500 --> 00:15:32,500 And it's unbelievable. They can kill each other with one swipe of their neck. 279 00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:36,500 - Isn't that a shock? - Come on! 280 00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:38,500 - They're vicious! - Yeah! 281 00:15:38,500 --> 00:15:42,500 They're such graceful animals, gentle animals, you'd think, and then, look at that. 282 00:15:42,500 --> 00:15:44,500 That's quite a stupid sport, though, really. 283 00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:50,500 Do you think... Earlier on, he was licking his... 284 00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:53,500 They went from "goosing" to "necking". 285 00:15:54,500 --> 00:15:58,500 They haven't got the fundamental ducking principle. That's really what they've... 286 00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:01,500 Just duck. Duck, now. Duck! 287 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,200 Now, they're like that! 288 00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:06,500 This is like that footage show on ITV of town centres on a Friday night, isn't it? 289 00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,500 People fighting at bus stops. 290 00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:10,500 Don't you want that in the Olympics? 291 00:16:10,500 --> 00:16:12,500 Do think they should clear Horse Guards and have this kind of fighting? 292 00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:13,500 I think it would be marvellous. 293 00:16:13,500 --> 00:16:16,500 - It would be good. - Yeah! Much better. Much more interesting. 294 00:16:16,500 --> 00:16:19,500 They are incredible. Can you imagine being a baby giraffe, and just on your way out and you think, 295 00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:22,500 "Oh, hello! That's a long way down." That must be... 296 00:16:22,500 --> 00:16:24,500 - Six foot, they... - Six foot, what? They...? 297 00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:29,500 They are born the size of six foot and they're dropped head first out of their mother's... Passage. 298 00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:32,500 That would affect you for life, I would have thought. 299 00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:34,500 That's why their necks are so long. To stop the fall. 300 00:16:35,500 --> 00:16:37,500 Maybe you've got it, finally, once and for all. 301 00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:41,500 They plant those horns in the ground and stand on their heads until they can walk. 302 00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:45,500 Wait a minute... 303 00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:48,500 - Evolution is amazing. - It is, isn't it? 304 00:16:48,500 --> 00:16:50,500 So, there you are. There are these beautiful animals. 305 00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:58,500 And they are graceful and sweet and long-eyelashed and sexy and rather desirable in many ways. Um, but... 306 00:16:58,500 --> 00:17:01,500 - They use their necks, it seems, as weapons of war... - It's a good job you're tall. 307 00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:05,500 Yes, and giants use them in the latrines. 308 00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:11,500 What do giraffes eat? What is their main staple? 309 00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:12,500 - Children. - Or, staple, in fact. 310 00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,500 - Not children. - Leaves, plants. 311 00:17:15,500 --> 00:17:17,500 - Yes. Particular plants. - It's not tree tops? 312 00:17:17,500 --> 00:17:18,500 No. 313 00:17:18,500 --> 00:17:20,500 - Acacia. - Acacia. Exactly, yeah. 314 00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:24,500 Which is a thorny plant, which has developed a rather brilliant 315 00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:27,500 strategy for trying to put the giraffes off eating them. 316 00:17:27,500 --> 00:17:29,500 It gives out a very bitter taste. 317 00:17:29,500 --> 00:17:34,500 But more impressively, it warns its neighbours when giraffes are coming. 318 00:17:34,500 --> 00:17:36,500 What, by going, "Psst, giraffe." 319 00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:41,500 Basically, yeah. It sends out chemical signals and that provokes the bitter... 320 00:17:41,500 --> 00:17:43,500 And what do they do? Run away? 321 00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:48,500 - Sadly, that's one thing they can't do. - "There's a giraffe coming." "Brilliant, thanks." 322 00:17:48,500 --> 00:17:49,500 "Thanks." 323 00:17:50,500 --> 00:17:52,500 "Now, I'll be all fearful before I die." 324 00:17:53,500 --> 00:17:54,500 "I'm just telling you." 325 00:17:57,500 --> 00:18:00,500 Yeah, it's "the wind-borne warning burst". Which is the name of this particular... 326 00:18:00,500 --> 00:18:01,500 My favourite type of burst. 327 00:18:01,500 --> 00:18:02,500 A warning burst. 328 00:18:02,500 --> 00:18:04,500 Have you ever done a wind-borne warning...? 329 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:05,500 - Oh, never mind. - Oh, yes. 330 00:18:07,500 --> 00:18:08,500 But enough of giraffes, I feel. 331 00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:12,500 What's the commonest cause of death amongst mountain... 332 00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:13,500 Wow! 333 00:18:14,500 --> 00:18:15,500 Brian Blessed. 334 00:18:18,500 --> 00:18:19,500 Very good! 335 00:18:25,500 --> 00:18:27,500 It's... It's not... 336 00:18:27,500 --> 00:18:30,500 When you put that... When you put that beard on, that noise turns into words. 337 00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:31,500 It does! 338 00:18:32,500 --> 00:18:33,500 Absolutely. 339 00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:36,500 - That's a fabulous... - It's a translator. 340 00:18:36,500 --> 00:18:38,500 Mountain goats. What is the most common... 341 00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:41,500 - Falling off! - Is it snowboarding accidents? 342 00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:42,500 Almost is, actually. 343 00:18:42,500 --> 00:18:45,500 I would think that with those horns, you'd have a devil's own job getting a helmet on. 344 00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,500 - Is it assassination? - Not assa... 345 00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:51,500 - Some of them are assassinated. - Yeah! 346 00:18:51,500 --> 00:18:52,500 - You said it. - Falling off? 347 00:18:52,500 --> 00:18:54,500 - Falling off mountains. - Accidents? 348 00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:56,500 Would you believe it? They fall of mountains. 349 00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:57,500 - Clumsy? - They're not clumsy. 350 00:18:57,500 --> 00:19:01,500 They are unbelievably nimble and secure and sure-footed, but... 351 00:19:01,500 --> 00:19:04,500 - They show off. - No. It's worse than that. 352 00:19:04,500 --> 00:19:05,500 They're big drinkers. 353 00:19:05,500 --> 00:19:07,500 Three to four times every hour, they... 356 00:19:07,500 --> 00:19:10,500 They flip over like those toys that you wind up. 357 00:19:12,500 --> 00:19:15,500 They try... They try and fly! 358 00:19:21,500 --> 00:19:23,500 They use their horns to... 359 00:19:24,500 --> 00:19:25,500 Scratch their arses. 360 00:19:26,500 --> 00:19:28,500 - Fight. Fighting. - Fight. 361 00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:31,200 - Fighting. - They fight. 362 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:32,500 - Fighting. - They flip them over. 363 00:19:32,500 --> 00:19:34,500 - There they are. Look. - Look at that. 364 00:19:35,500 --> 00:19:38,500 - And that's what... - Knock each other off the mountain. 365 00:19:38,500 --> 00:19:40,500 They know each other off each other's perches, there you are. 366 00:19:40,500 --> 00:19:43,500 Now, if you could tell me what's quite interesting about the American mountain goat. 367 00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:46,500 Two things are quite interesting about the American mountain goat. 368 00:19:46,500 --> 00:19:48,500 - Found in... - Of course, I'm an expert on it. 369 00:19:48,500 --> 00:19:50,500 Naturally, because you're American. Or you... 370 00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:52,500 - Exactly. Found in America. - It's found in America. 371 00:19:52,500 --> 00:19:54,500 - Largely around the mountains. - Indeed. 372 00:19:54,500 --> 00:19:58,500 - Cascades and the Rockies. - And it never falls off. 373 00:19:58,500 --> 00:20:00,500 Because that they're glued to the top. 374 00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:04,500 Would you recognise an American mountain goat? What's its colour? 375 00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:06,500 - Surely, it's... - Red, white, and blue. 376 00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:10,500 Take two of those away, and you've got it. 377 00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:11,500 - It's blue. - Um... 378 00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:14,500 - Oh, poor little blue... - It's like being on National Geographic. 379 00:20:14,500 --> 00:20:15,500 - White! - It's white. 380 00:20:15,500 --> 00:20:17,500 - Red! - It's the purest white. 381 00:20:17,500 --> 00:20:19,500 - It's the purest... - It's the purest white of these things. 382 00:20:19,500 --> 00:20:22,500 It's the only pure white ruminant, in fact. 383 00:20:22,500 --> 00:20:24,500 - But... - I was wondering. 384 00:20:24,500 --> 00:20:26,500 Yeah. It's not... A goat. 385 00:20:27,500 --> 00:20:28,500 Oh? Heavens! 386 00:20:28,500 --> 00:20:29,500 Who put them up there? 387 00:20:30,500 --> 00:20:34,500 - So that is an example... - "Help! Help!" 388 00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:39,500 It's the fastest-growing tree in the world. They all stand there and it goes... 389 00:20:43,500 --> 00:20:44,500 Oh, dear. 390 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:48,500 And they're going, "Well, I think we've cleaned this tree off. Let's go, shall we?" 391 00:20:48,500 --> 00:20:49,500 "Very little left here." 392 00:20:49,500 --> 00:20:53,500 I used to be a goat herdsman. So I could get them down for you. If you want. 393 00:20:53,500 --> 00:20:56,500 - Wouldn't that just be a goatherd? - Sorry? 394 00:20:56,500 --> 00:20:59,500 Wouldn't that just be a goatherd? Rather than a goatherdsMAN? 395 00:20:59,500 --> 00:21:00,500 - Yeah, sorry. - That's all right. 396 00:21:02,500 --> 00:21:04,500 When I was a goatherdsman... 397 00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:12,500 I was a goatherd manner, manny thing, I could have got them down for you, no problem. 398 00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:16,500 Could you... What goat-herding technique would you've used? 399 00:21:19,500 --> 00:21:21,500 - Really? - That one moved! 399 00:21:21,500 --> 00:21:22,500 You do that! 400 00:21:23,500 --> 00:21:27,500 Why do we say, "He's a bit of an old goat?" Why do we say that? Are they randy? 401 00:21:27,500 --> 00:21:29,500 I think they are quite randy, goats. 402 00:21:29,500 --> 00:21:32,500 I could sense after a few weeks, they found me more and more attractive. 403 00:21:34,500 --> 00:21:37,500 - Do you know why? - Is it because they know we've got money? 404 00:21:38,500 --> 00:21:42,500 Money and cars. They're actually quite shallow. 405 00:21:44,500 --> 00:21:47,500 They see the cars and the sexy clothes and the music and the gold. 406 00:21:47,500 --> 00:21:50,500 - They're like WAGs. Wives and goats. - Yeah! "Hey! Maybe I'd get a..." 407 00:21:50,500 --> 00:21:53,500 What it is, is our sweat. Under our arms. 408 00:21:53,500 --> 00:21:57,500 We have a sort of goaty smell and female goats go mad for it. 409 00:21:58,500 --> 00:22:02,500 So if you wish to attract a female goat, a nanny, yup. 410 00:22:02,500 --> 00:22:06,500 That's it. Just waft a bit of your underarm at her. 411 00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:07,500 Cheese. 412 00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:11,500 I used to be in a forest with 26 goats and I never got one approach. 413 00:22:11,500 --> 00:22:13,500 Not a nibble. Nothing. 414 00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:15,500 - Now I feel quite hurt. - Yeah. 415 00:22:15,500 --> 00:22:17,500 - Because you were using the Lynx. - Yeah. 416 00:22:18,500 --> 00:22:21,500 They're very clever, the goats. About half of them could use a calculator. 417 00:22:22,500 --> 00:22:24,500 - In Kenya... - They weren't just like, bashing around on it. 418 00:22:24,500 --> 00:22:26,500 They knew what they were up to. They where doing sums. 419 00:22:27,500 --> 00:22:30,500 In Kenya, there's a sort of male chastity belt. 420 00:22:30,500 --> 00:22:33,500 A little object that they put on, called an "olor", which they put on male goats 421 00:22:33,500 --> 00:22:35,500 to stop them from being able to mate. 422 00:22:35,500 --> 00:22:36,500 I think we have a picture. There you are. 423 00:22:36,500 --> 00:22:37,500 It's this kind of thing. 424 00:22:37,500 --> 00:22:43,500 And... So they mate in the right season for the Kenyan farmers. And the kids are born at the right time. 425 00:22:43,500 --> 00:22:45,500 He's not looking to happy about it, is he? 426 00:22:45,500 --> 00:22:48,500 No, well, would you if you had to, exactly, wear one of those? 427 00:22:48,500 --> 00:22:49,500 - I bet it chafes. - Yeah. 428 00:22:49,500 --> 00:22:50,500 I bet it chafes something horrible. 429 00:22:51,500 --> 00:22:55,500 I'm sorry to say that recently, in 2007, Nepalese Airlines... 430 00:22:56,500 --> 00:23:00,500 Slaughtered two goats because there was a technical fault... 431 00:23:01,500 --> 00:23:04,500 And so, they slaughtered the goats to a Hindu god. In order to... 432 00:23:04,500 --> 00:23:06,500 Where they in the pilot seats? 433 00:23:10,500 --> 00:23:12,500 They should've got me there. I would've gone... 434 00:23:14,500 --> 00:23:16,500 I don't believe that is a goat. 435 00:23:16,500 --> 00:23:18,500 - That is not a goat call. - It is. It's a goat call. 436 00:23:18,500 --> 00:23:20,500 - It is not! - How do you know it's not? 437 00:23:20,500 --> 00:23:22,500 See? Just how cool am I about it? 438 00:23:23,500 --> 00:23:25,500 'Cause I know it is. 439 00:23:29,500 --> 00:23:31,500 What is he... What are you saying? Are you saying words? 440 00:23:31,500 --> 00:23:33,500 Yeah! It's a call. It's a fre... 441 00:23:33,500 --> 00:23:34,500 - I was a goatheardsman in France. - Is it French? 442 00:23:34,500 --> 00:23:36,500 - I was a French goatheardman... - What does it mean? 443 00:23:36,500 --> 00:23:39,500 - What does it say? - "Piquet" is... French for goat. 444 00:23:39,500 --> 00:23:40,500 - "Baguette"? - You have to go back... 445 00:23:40,500 --> 00:23:41,500 - "Baguette"? - No! 446 00:23:41,500 --> 00:23:43,500 You've had... 447 00:23:43,500 --> 00:23:46,500 - ...a goat under your arm every morning? - Yeah! 448 00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:49,500 - It is just a very well bread goat. - It was, it was! 449 00:23:49,500 --> 00:23:51,500 "He wants to put it in a sandwich..." 450 00:23:52,500 --> 00:23:54,500 - "Stay away from me!" - "This way!" 451 00:23:55,500 --> 00:23:57,500 Seriously, it's the most stressful job I've ever had in my life! 452 00:23:57,500 --> 00:23:59,500 - Being a goathearder? - I would... I would... 453 00:23:59,500 --> 00:24:04,500 It would make a futures dealer in London stock exchange, you know, seem laid back. 454 00:24:04,500 --> 00:24:06,500 You just... 26 goats, and they just go wherever they... 455 00:24:06,500 --> 00:24:09,500 If you're used to see it, like I was... They go wherever they want. 456 00:24:09,500 --> 00:24:11,500 That's because you where making that ridiculous sound. 457 00:24:13,500 --> 00:24:15,500 I'd just throw a rock at them, or something. Something they'd respect. 458 00:24:16,500 --> 00:24:18,500 - Where you REALLY a goathearder? - I was, yeah! 459 00:24:18,500 --> 00:24:22,500 How did you get the job? You clearly know nothing about them. Shouting "bread". 460 00:24:24,500 --> 00:24:27,500 Well, it was during the eighties. Thatcher was in power, there wasn't a lot of work. 461 00:24:27,500 --> 00:24:32,500 - I put "goatheardsman" on a job application form... - For a laugh! 462 00:24:32,500 --> 00:24:34,500 No, it was in France. I just got a job in France, on a farm. 463 00:24:34,500 --> 00:24:36,500 - How long did you do that for? - About three months. 464 00:24:36,500 --> 00:24:39,500 Where these goats... For dairy goats, or where they for meat? 465 00:24:39,500 --> 00:24:41,500 - For cheese, yeah. - Cheese. Dairy. 466 00:24:41,500 --> 00:24:44,500 They used to take them to different parts of the forest, and the farmer would say, 467 00:24:44,500 --> 00:24:46,500 "Find these leaves, 'cause it'll make the cheese taste..." 468 00:24:46,500 --> 00:24:47,500 - Right! - More savoury. Yeah. 469 00:24:47,500 --> 00:24:49,500 And I'd say, "Yeah! Of course, I will!" 470 00:24:52,500 --> 00:24:55,500 Basically, it was Boursin, Boursin the whole way. 471 00:24:56,500 --> 00:25:01,500 Oh! "Du vigne, du pain, du Boursin". That used to be their advert. 472 00:25:02,500 --> 00:25:06,500 Now. What did seagulls contribute to the war effort? 473 00:25:06,500 --> 00:25:08,500 - Seagulls?! - Seagulls. 474 00:25:11,500 --> 00:25:15,500 You know, you give a television technician Photoshop... 475 00:25:16,500 --> 00:25:19,500 Did they steal food out of the hands of the enemy soldiers so they'd starve to death? 476 00:25:19,500 --> 00:25:22,500 Is it like parrots in the Eiffel Tower? 477 00:25:23,500 --> 00:25:27,500 They kept parrots in the Eiffel Tower in World War II to warn when aircraft were coming and they'd go, 478 00:25:27,500 --> 00:25:29,500 "Aircraft coming." 479 00:25:30,500 --> 00:25:31,500 That's true. They did. 480 00:25:32,500 --> 00:25:34,500 Surely they'd say, "Des avions viennent," or something? 481 00:25:34,500 --> 00:25:38,500 - Yes, obviously. I was translating for the audience. - Fair enough. 482 00:25:39,500 --> 00:25:42,500 No, it's not that, but again, we have to be in the right war. 483 00:25:42,500 --> 00:25:43,500 - Which war? - First World War? 484 00:25:43,500 --> 00:25:46,500 - The First World War, '14 to '18. - A message service? 485 00:25:46,500 --> 00:25:50,500 No. There was a new threat that had never been seen in warfare before. 486 00:25:50,500 --> 00:25:53,500 - Aeroplanes. - That was one. 487 00:25:53,500 --> 00:25:55,500 - In another medium. - Submarines. 488 00:25:55,500 --> 00:26:00,500 - Submarines, yes and... - What good is a seagull with a submarine? 489 00:26:00,500 --> 00:26:02,500 Well, let's try and put it all together, shall we? 490 00:26:05,500 --> 00:26:07,500 Now, one of the problems with a submarine, is that you can't see it. 491 00:26:07,500 --> 00:26:11,500 There was no sonar in the First World War so how do you know where they are? 492 00:26:11,500 --> 00:26:14,500 - When they surface. - Well, if they surface, you can see them, 493 00:26:14,500 --> 00:26:17,500 but before they surface, another thing that a submarine does is pop up... 494 00:26:17,500 --> 00:26:19,500 - A periscope. - Pop up a periscope. 495 00:26:19,500 --> 00:26:24,500 So if you could train a seagull to flock towards periscopes, 496 00:26:25,500 --> 00:26:29,500 by putting food all over the periscopes on your own submarines, 497 00:26:29,500 --> 00:26:32,500 so that whenever it saw a periscope, it would associate the submarine with food and flock to it, 498 00:26:32,500 --> 00:26:37,500 then, whenever there was a submarine, with its periscope up, the seagulls would flock towards it. 499 00:26:37,500 --> 00:26:40,500 And you'd be on the ship and go, "There must be a submarine over there." Because the seagulls... 500 00:26:40,500 --> 00:26:43,500 Did they train every seagull in the world to do this? 501 00:26:44,500 --> 00:26:47,500 - This is the problem. It didn't work. - Did they keep flocks of seagulls, so to speak, on ships? 502 00:26:48,500 --> 00:26:52,500 Surely, the flaw in the plan is putting food all over your own periscope so you can't see where you're going. 503 00:26:52,500 --> 00:26:56,500 - They'd only do that in the training area. - Oh, I see, sorry. 504 00:26:56,500 --> 00:27:00,500 But they thought, "While they were there", they thought, "Let's get it... " Not just train them 505 00:27:00,500 --> 00:27:05,500 to recognise the enemy's periscope, but to poo all over it so that it would blank out the lens. 506 00:27:07,500 --> 00:27:10,500 That's a terrible plan. It'll never work. 507 00:27:10,500 --> 00:27:14,500 Sounds like something out of Blackadder. "That will do it. That will work." 508 00:27:16,500 --> 00:27:19,500 It was a grand plan. Did not work, I'm afraid. 209 00:27:19,500 --> 00:27:23,500 - Partly because the gulls couldn't distinguish between enemy... - They were idiots. 210 00:27:23,500 --> 00:27:24,500 They are stupid creatures. 211 00:27:24,500 --> 00:27:27,500 Well, they couldn't distinguish between enemy submarines and home submarines, so... 212 00:27:27,500 --> 00:27:31,500 More importantly, when I said seagull, I was making an ornithological mistake. 213 00:27:32,500 --> 00:27:33,500 Um, albatross. 214 00:27:33,500 --> 00:27:36,500 - No, they're not seagulls. - Terns. 215 00:27:36,500 --> 00:27:37,500 - Gulls. - They're just gulls. 216 00:27:37,500 --> 00:27:40,500 They're not seabirds, gulls. They're land birds. 217 00:27:41,500 --> 00:27:46,500 They don't go far out to sea at all. They live on the edge of the land, admittedly, on cliffs and things. 218 00:27:49,500 --> 00:27:50,500 Don't they have webbed feet? 219 00:27:50,500 --> 00:27:54,500 - So they don't go that far out. - So if you're looking for a submarine... 220 00:27:56,500 --> 00:27:58,500 Is this upsetting your world view? 221 00:27:59,500 --> 00:28:01,500 - If you're looking for a submarine... - Seagulls! 222 00:28:02,500 --> 00:28:06,500 If you're looking for a submarine in the middle of the Atlantic, the birds say, "I'm not going that far." 223 00:28:06,500 --> 00:28:09,500 Yes. Basically. That's the problem. They don't go that far out. 224 00:28:09,500 --> 00:28:11,500 When the weather's bad on the coast, they all come into London, 225 00:28:11,500 --> 00:28:14,500 that's how you know the weather's bad on the coast, and not to go to the seaside. 226 00:28:14,500 --> 00:28:16,500 - Yes. - That's the only thing I know about gulls. 227 00:28:16,500 --> 00:28:20,500 That's true. Why did gulls suddenly appear in 1956? 228 00:28:21,500 --> 00:28:23,500 - Why did the population explode? - The Hungarian uprising. 229 00:28:23,500 --> 00:28:24,500 - No. - Suez Crisis. 230 00:28:24,500 --> 00:28:30,500 No. Something happened in 1956, that caused gulls to absolutely... Wow! 231 00:28:30,500 --> 00:28:31,500 - Go nuts. - Ferries... 232 00:28:31,500 --> 00:28:32,500 - Go nuts... - Trains? 233 00:28:32,500 --> 00:28:36,500 - People put food all over their periscopes. - No, there was a disastrous event, 234 00:28:36,500 --> 00:28:38,500 - that took place here in London. - Smog. 235 00:28:39,500 --> 00:28:40,500 - Smog. - Smog. 356 00:28:40,500 --> 00:28:44,500 Smog. It was the worst smog ever. I mean, so bad, literally thousands 357 00:28:44,500 --> 00:28:49,500 and thousands of people died. And this caused an act of Parliament called...? 358 00:28:49,500 --> 00:28:52,500 - The clean air act. - The clean air act, of 1956. 359 00:28:52,500 --> 00:28:56,500 Which made it illegal, amongst other things, to burn rubbish. 360 00:28:56,500 --> 00:28:58,500 So, what could you do with rubbish? 361 00:28:58,500 --> 00:29:01,500 - Just leave it out for the birds? - Landfills. 362 00:29:01,500 --> 00:29:03,500 As you know, landfills track gulls like nothing else! 363 00:29:03,500 --> 00:29:06,500 And this is why the gull population absolutely exploded in Britain, 364 00:29:06,500 --> 00:29:08,500 because of The clean air act. 365 00:29:08,500 --> 00:29:10,500 - It's a strange thought, isn't it? - They eat old rubbish? 366 00:29:10,500 --> 00:29:11,500 Yeah. 367 00:29:11,500 --> 00:29:16,500 I was one carrying a pizza, in a pub by the seaside, 368 00:29:16,500 --> 00:29:19,500 a whole pizza out to the table, and gull came and took the whole thing. 369 00:29:22,500 --> 00:29:24,500 I was lucky not to be taken as well! 370 00:29:26,500 --> 00:29:28,500 They're big! They're quite big, aren't they? 371 00:29:28,500 --> 00:29:30,500 - They are big animals. - Did you come to the table with just, 372 00:29:30,500 --> 00:29:32,500 a tiny little shred of pizza, like that? 373 00:29:32,500 --> 00:29:34,500 Just thumb-shaped? 374 00:29:37,500 --> 00:29:39,500 There's a gull... A gull flying 'round like this... 375 00:29:42,500 --> 00:29:46,500 Right. So, yes, during the First World War, seagulls were trained to search out German submarines 376 00:29:46,500 --> 00:29:52,500 and crap on their periscopes. Pretty clear message, but what is this camel behind me trying to tell you, here? 377 00:29:53,500 --> 00:29:54,500 What's going on? 378 00:29:54,500 --> 00:29:55,500 - Oh, dear! - Uh... 379 00:29:57,500 --> 00:30:00,500 A very disgusted audience. They don't like what they see. 380 00:30:00,500 --> 00:30:02,500 Is he saying Jeremy Kyle's on in a minute? 381 00:30:05,500 --> 00:30:07,500 D'you know... What are we looking at there? 382 00:30:08,500 --> 00:30:10,500 I presume it's a tongue. Is it? Or is it a sausage? 383 00:30:10,500 --> 00:30:12,500 It's not his tongue, amazingly. 384 00:30:12,500 --> 00:30:15,500 - Is it his stomach? - No, it's his palate. 385 00:30:15,500 --> 00:30:20,500 He can blow part of his soft palate out. It's called the palatinus diverticulus. 386 00:30:20,500 --> 00:30:27,500 It's known as a "gula" and it's used, as again, we'd been discussing, used in mating. It's used to attract females. 387 00:30:27,500 --> 00:30:30,500 - "Oh, you really sexy beast, you." - Yeah! 388 00:30:30,500 --> 00:30:32,500 - It's a heck of a thought, isn't it? - It's not working for me. 389 00:30:33,500 --> 00:30:35,500 It appears to be sticking out its tongue. 390 00:30:35,500 --> 00:30:39,500 - The camels with the most testosterone have the biggest gula. - That's what they tell you. 391 00:30:42,500 --> 00:30:45,500 It's like that nonsense about bald men being full of testosterone, isn't it. 392 00:30:45,500 --> 00:30:46,500 Yeah. I know. Bless! 393 00:30:46,500 --> 00:30:49,500 Um... But, you know, the size... 394 00:30:50,500 --> 00:30:51,500 What? Oh... 395 00:30:57,500 --> 00:30:58,500 Way-hey! 396 00:31:00,500 --> 00:31:02,500 He's not insulted cos he doesn't know. 397 00:31:03,500 --> 00:31:04,500 Bill doesn't know he's bald. 398 00:31:07,500 --> 00:31:09,500 He's convinced he's got a big, thick, luscious head of hair. 399 00:31:11,500 --> 00:31:13,500 Well, down my back there is. 400 00:31:14,500 --> 00:31:15,500 I've got that. 401 00:31:18,500 --> 00:31:23,500 Anyway, they blow out their gula and they make a blib-blib noise, apparently. 402 00:31:24,500 --> 00:31:27,500 That's the best they've come up with after all these years. 403 00:31:27,500 --> 00:31:30,500 In Saudi Arabia, and other countries, they often cut the gula out. Why would they do that? Do you know why? 404 00:31:30,500 --> 00:31:35,500 - To stop it... They cut it out... - So they breathe better for camel racing. 405 00:31:35,500 --> 00:31:36,500 Oh, camel racing. 406 00:31:36,500 --> 00:31:39,500 Actually, in Saudi Arabia, they import camels from...? 407 00:31:39,500 --> 00:31:41,500 - Kent. - Yeah. 408 00:31:43,500 --> 00:31:45,500 You set them up so well, Stephen. 409 00:31:47,500 --> 00:31:49,500 - That's very kind of you. - No. Not from Kent. 410 00:31:50,500 --> 00:31:51,500 - From... - Hertfordshire. 411 00:31:53,500 --> 00:31:54,500 - Let's disabuse ourselves... - Australia. 412 00:31:54,500 --> 00:31:56,500 Australia is the right answer, yes. 413 00:31:56,500 --> 00:31:59,500 Thank you. But why would they import them? What do they need them for? 414 00:32:00,500 --> 00:32:01,500 Um... 415 00:32:01,500 --> 00:32:03,500 They're very good at cricket, the Australian ones. 416 00:32:04,500 --> 00:32:06,500 Australian camels are, actually, much fitter than the... 417 00:32:08,500 --> 00:32:10,500 AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "We like sports. The big outdoors." 418 00:32:11,500 --> 00:32:15,500 No. They don't use them to race. They don't use them for transport. 419 00:32:15,500 --> 00:32:17,500 - They use the camels they import for... - Food? 420 00:32:17,500 --> 00:32:19,500 - Breeding? - Food. Meat. Camel meat, yes. 421 00:32:19,500 --> 00:32:22,500 They tell them they're going to have a lovely camel race. 422 00:32:23,500 --> 00:32:26,500 AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "You'll love it over there, mate. Away you go. Good luck." 423 00:32:27,500 --> 00:32:29,500 "Give us a call when you've won your first race." 424 00:32:33,500 --> 00:32:37,500 They also import from Australia, the Saudi Arabians... Something else. 425 00:32:37,500 --> 00:32:38,500 Barmen. 426 00:32:39,500 --> 00:32:41,500 That would be stupid, wouldn't it? Barmen in Saudi Arabia. 427 00:32:43,500 --> 00:32:44,500 - Sand. - Sand? 428 00:32:44,500 --> 00:32:46,500 - Sand? - Really? 429 00:32:46,500 --> 00:32:47,500 - Yeah. - They love irony, don't they? 430 00:32:47,500 --> 00:32:48,500 Yeah! 431 00:32:49,500 --> 00:32:51,500 They always see the other side of a joke. 432 00:32:51,500 --> 00:32:54,500 It's because the sand in Saudi Arabia is the wrong kind of sand for... 433 00:32:54,500 --> 00:32:55,500 - Golf. - Camels? 434 00:32:55,500 --> 00:32:56,500 - Throwing in people's eyes. - Building. 435 00:33:00,500 --> 00:33:05,500 Yes, male camels impress the ladies by blowing a balloon called a gula out of their mouths. 436 00:33:05,500 --> 00:33:10,500 Speaking of blowing bubbles, why don't goldfish swim into the side of their bowls? 437 00:33:10,500 --> 00:33:13,500 - They're not stupid, are they? - Because they're not stupid?! 438 00:33:13,500 --> 00:33:14,500 Yeah. 439 00:33:17,500 --> 00:33:22,500 They don't use their eyes to know it's glass, so what do they use to know that there's something there? 440 00:33:23,200 --> 00:33:26,500 - The pressure of the water or... - The pressure of the water is the right answer. 441 00:33:26,500 --> 00:33:30,500 They have pressure sensors, which are similar to the ones we use in our ears 442 00:33:30,500 --> 00:33:35,500 and they activate little gelatinous caps that themselves activate hairs in the same way 443 00:33:35,500 --> 00:33:39,500 as our cochlear fluid activates hairs to tell us there's pressure in our ears. 444 00:33:39,500 --> 00:33:42,500 Goldfish don't have hairs. You don't see goldfish with different styles. 445 00:33:43,500 --> 00:33:45,500 - Emo fish. - Little, tiny hairs inside. 446 00:33:46,500 --> 00:33:48,500 - Yeah. - Love what you've done with your goldfish. 447 00:33:51,500 --> 00:33:56,500 Well, it seems they do. Sharks have the same thing. They have neuromasts as well. 448 00:33:56,500 --> 00:33:59,500 They're called the ampoules of Lorenzini. 449 00:33:59,500 --> 00:34:02,500 And they detect not pressure, but... 450 00:34:02,500 --> 00:34:03,500 Fear. 451 00:34:04,500 --> 00:34:05,500 Well, no, oddly enough. Electricity. 452 00:34:06,500 --> 00:34:08,500 Because a lot of fish give off electricity as a sort of weapon. 453 00:34:08,500 --> 00:34:10,500 - So, they know when you've left a light on. - Yeah. 454 00:34:11,500 --> 00:34:15,500 - He's really beautiful, look at him. - He's a biggie. He's a biggie. 455 00:34:15,500 --> 00:34:18,500 - There's a nurse. Is that a nurse? - Is that a nurse?! 456 00:34:20,500 --> 00:34:23,200 - Well, I was referring to the brand of shark. - Obviously. 457 00:34:23,200 --> 00:34:27,500 - What hospital where you born in? - I suddenly had an image of you in a home. 458 00:34:30,500 --> 00:34:31,500 "Nurse! Aah!" 459 00:34:35,500 --> 00:34:38,500 Oh, Lordy, bless. Anyway, 460 00:34:38,500 --> 00:34:41,500 fish don't use their eyes to navigate, they use a system of pressure detectors 461 00:34:41,500 --> 00:34:43,500 along the sides of their body. 462 00:34:43,500 --> 00:34:46,500 How did the gerbils let us down in the war on terror? 463 00:34:46,500 --> 00:34:50,500 - They're notoriously insubordinate. - It's true. That's true. 464 00:34:50,500 --> 00:34:53,500 - Can't take orders. - They mouth off. Talk back all the time. 465 00:34:53,500 --> 00:34:55,500 - They're thick, all. - Ironically, they're easily terrified. 466 00:34:55,500 --> 00:34:59,500 Which made them the worst possible candidates... 467 00:35:00,500 --> 00:35:02,500 ...to wage their war on terror. 468 00:35:02,500 --> 00:35:04,500 The first sight of terror, they... 469 00:35:04,500 --> 00:35:08,500 - Well, it's odd... - A hat falls of... 470 00:35:08,500 --> 00:35:11,500 - Let me say... - Just need to do that, don't you? 471 00:35:12,500 --> 00:35:13,500 - Yeah. - Shits themselves. 472 00:35:13,500 --> 00:35:16,500 They're well acquainted with terror, put it that way. 473 00:35:16,500 --> 00:35:20,500 Well, they don't live very long, so by the time you train them for something, presumably, they drop dead. 474 00:35:20,500 --> 00:35:23,500 That wasn't the reason they where a failure, or that they didn't work out. 475 00:35:23,500 --> 00:35:25,500 It's that they can smell terror. 476 00:35:27,500 --> 00:35:28,500 And how would you be able to smell that? 477 00:35:28,500 --> 00:35:29,500 - What are they smelling? - Pheromones. 478 00:35:29,500 --> 00:35:32,500 Not exactly pheromones. But almost. 479 00:35:32,500 --> 00:35:33,500 - I'm sticking with pheromones. - Yeah. 480 00:35:33,500 --> 00:35:36,500 - What is the plan? You'd have a booth at the airport? - Underpants! 481 00:35:36,500 --> 00:35:37,500 - Yes! - No?! 482 00:35:37,500 --> 00:35:40,500 To have a booth at the airport? People would walk through, the gerbils would go... 483 00:35:40,500 --> 00:35:45,500 No, not a booth. But a fan behind the people, so that the air is blown towards... 484 00:35:45,500 --> 00:35:46,500 The gerbil, in a cage... 485 00:35:46,500 --> 00:35:50,500 And if they've got adrenaline, which is... 486 00:35:50,500 --> 00:35:54,500 Stephen, now that we talk about the mad seagull idea from the First World War, where you think, 487 00:35:54,500 --> 00:35:57,500 "A bit balmy in those days, when they didn't have technology..." 488 00:35:57,500 --> 00:35:59,500 Now, we're all computed up to the eyeballs... 489 00:35:59,500 --> 00:36:03,500 - These are... - A big fan blowing your wift towards a gerbil. 490 00:36:03,500 --> 00:36:05,500 What's the gerbil gonna do? "He's one..." 491 00:36:07,500 --> 00:36:10,500 - A gerbil's little sign. - Of course, you'd have adrenaline going, 492 00:36:10,500 --> 00:36:13,500 if they're made to go in a cage, and there's a great big wheel, to go round... 493 00:36:15,500 --> 00:36:17,500 The gerbil looking at you, "I'm terrified!" 494 00:36:17,500 --> 00:36:19,500 They don't see the gerbil. The person just don't see the gerbil. 495 00:36:19,500 --> 00:36:22,500 - Two-way mirror. - But, yeah, it doesn't... 496 00:36:25,500 --> 00:36:27,500 They don't, they just... The gerbil just... The air... 497 00:36:27,500 --> 00:36:30,500 - A tiny, little mirror with each gerbil. - Anyway, the gerbil is trained... 498 00:36:30,500 --> 00:36:33,500 To press a button when it smells the adrenaline... 499 00:36:34,500 --> 00:36:35,500 - Yeah. - Like that. 500 00:36:35,500 --> 00:36:38,500 - Nonchalantly unharmed. - Nonchalantly, exactly. 501 00:36:38,500 --> 00:36:42,500 What else can you tell me about gerbils, to cheer us up? 502 00:36:42,500 --> 00:36:45,500 The most popular gerbil, is the Mongolian. 503 00:36:45,500 --> 00:36:49,500 Yes! It's the right answer! That's the gerbil that we use as a pet. 504 00:36:49,500 --> 00:36:52,500 And it's small, and what other advantages does it have as a pet? 505 00:36:52,500 --> 00:36:54,500 - Uh... - Doesn't live very long. 506 00:36:56,500 --> 00:36:58,500 That's a strange kind of advantage! 507 00:36:58,500 --> 00:37:00,200 No, your kids say, "I want a pet", 508 00:37:00,200 --> 00:37:02,500 you'd say, "Well, get a gerbil, it won't last very long." 509 00:37:02,500 --> 00:37:04,500 - "You'll learn about life and death." - Yeah, quite marvellously. 510 00:37:04,500 --> 00:37:08,500 But also, because they're desert animals, their poo is dry an non-smelly... 511 00:37:08,500 --> 00:37:11,500 - Oh! - So, unlike mice and rats and these other pooey... 512 00:37:11,500 --> 00:37:12,500 'Cause you know how bad mice... Yeah. 513 00:37:12,500 --> 00:37:15,500 You could freeze them, and then hit them over a wall with a cricket bat. 514 00:37:16,500 --> 00:37:17,500 You CAN do that. 515 00:37:22,500 --> 00:37:25,500 - You wish you had a bat now, don't you? - That's why he was banned from the pet shop. 516 00:37:25,500 --> 00:37:26,500 Yeah! 517 00:37:27,500 --> 00:37:28,500 Dreadful man. 518 00:37:28,500 --> 00:37:31,500 - Yep. - Yet another potential Olympic sport, I think. 519 00:37:31,500 --> 00:37:32,500 "Pull!" 520 00:37:39,500 --> 00:37:44,500 And so the light fades and our guests head bravely for the waterhole 521 00:37:44,500 --> 00:37:49,500 in the full knowledge that any moment, they are likely to be dragged underwater 522 00:37:49,500 --> 00:37:53,500 and devoured by the savage Gila monster of General Ignorance, so fingers on buzzers. 523 00:37:53,500 --> 00:37:55,500 Why are there no insects in the sea? 524 00:38:04,500 --> 00:38:05,500 Yes, Bill. 525 00:38:05,500 --> 00:38:10,500 Because the... It's too far... 526 00:38:12,500 --> 00:38:14,500 Yes. Yes. That's right. 527 00:38:15,500 --> 00:38:17,500 - Because it's too far. - It's too far. 528 00:38:17,500 --> 00:38:18,500 - Hello! - It's simply, too far. 529 00:38:19,500 --> 00:38:20,500 - Because... - Too far out! 530 00:38:21,500 --> 00:38:23,500 Uh... Water makes them explode. 531 00:38:24,500 --> 00:38:26,500 But there are insects in rivers. 532 00:38:26,500 --> 00:38:28,500 Saltwater, is it? 533 00:38:28,500 --> 00:38:30,500 It's not the saltwater because there are saltwater spiders. 534 00:38:30,500 --> 00:38:33,500 Plenty of those. Plenty of sea spiders. 535 00:38:33,500 --> 00:38:35,500 - The currents are too strong. - No... 536 00:38:35,500 --> 00:38:38,500 - Spiders are not insects. Ha-ha! - Exactly! That's what I'm saying. 537 00:38:38,500 --> 00:38:40,500 There aren't any insects, but there are spiders. 538 00:38:45,500 --> 00:38:49,500 No, it seems to be because there are no trees and there are no flowering plants. 539 00:38:49,500 --> 00:38:53,500 Nothing that they have evolved to deal with exists in the sea. 540 00:38:53,500 --> 00:38:56,500 Whereas spiders could live in the sea because they just hunt, and they can... 541 00:38:56,500 --> 00:38:58,500 - It's a shame, isn't it? Really. - It is. 542 00:38:58,500 --> 00:38:59,500 - Yeah. - There you go. 543 00:38:59,500 --> 00:39:03,500 Now, who stopped flying the Jolly Roger in 2003? 544 00:39:06,500 --> 00:39:09,500 There's the Jolly Roger, yes? The skull and crossbones, yes? 545 00:39:09,500 --> 00:39:11,500 - Ehm... The Queen. - The Queen? 546 00:39:13,500 --> 00:39:15,500 Not the Queen. No. No. 547 00:39:17,500 --> 00:39:18,500 Clarkson. 548 00:39:19,500 --> 00:39:22,500 - Not Clarkson. - It is the British navy? 549 00:39:22,500 --> 00:39:25,500 The British navy. One particular individual in the British navy, on particular part... 550 00:39:25,500 --> 00:39:27,500 - Pirates! - Oh, when they have the plague, or something? 551 00:39:27,500 --> 00:39:28,500 - The submariners. - Oh! 552 00:39:28,500 --> 00:39:33,500 Submariners, right up until 2003, flew the Jolly Roger, the skull and crossbones, 553 00:39:33,500 --> 00:39:36,500 when they came back from successful missions. 554 00:39:36,500 --> 00:39:41,500 Submarines where regarded as dishonourable, and, indeed, piratical. Unworthy of us. 555 00:39:41,500 --> 00:39:46,500 They where cheating, and Admiral Sir Arthur Wilson, in 1901, found few opponents, 556 00:39:46,500 --> 00:39:50,500 when he characterised them as, "Underhand, unfair and damned un-English." 557 00:39:50,500 --> 00:39:53,500 - They've gathered a submarine in. - Yeah! Submarines. 558 00:39:53,500 --> 00:39:56,500 The opinion shifted, obviously by the war, the 1914 war. And... 559 00:39:56,500 --> 00:39:58,500 - "Un-English." What are you on about? - And so, they... 560 00:39:58,500 --> 00:40:02,500 They deliberately flew piratical flags, because they where sort of proud 561 00:40:02,500 --> 00:40:03,500 of the fact that they where piratical. 562 00:40:03,500 --> 00:40:06,500 - It was their roguish nature. - Why did... Why did they stop, then? 563 00:40:06,500 --> 00:40:10,500 They stopped for reasons, apparently, well, sort of not exactly political correctness, but... 564 00:40:10,500 --> 00:40:16,500 You know. Is it... Is it making fun, and vainglorious... Is it glorying in war? 565 00:40:16,500 --> 00:40:18,500 Which we're not allowed to do. Obviously. Apparently for good reason, 566 00:40:18,500 --> 00:40:20,500 war is nasty, and hell, and so on, but it seems a bit... 567 00:40:22,500 --> 00:40:25,500 Because of all the seagull guano showed up on the black cloth. 568 00:40:25,500 --> 00:40:28,500 Yeah. That's true. Maybe it was that. They just couldn't keep them clean. 569 00:40:28,500 --> 00:40:31,500 And the other reason being, I suppose, they want to keep the intelligence gathering 570 00:40:31,500 --> 00:40:36,500 special forces element of submarining, was rather by them flying a flag around all the time. 571 00:40:37,500 --> 00:40:38,500 They became very secret. 572 00:40:38,500 --> 00:40:41,500 Who goose-stepped their way across Europe in the 1940s? 573 00:40:43,500 --> 00:40:45,500 - Was it a goose? - No. 574 00:40:49,500 --> 00:40:51,500 - Worth a try. - It was. 575 00:40:51,500 --> 00:40:53,500 - Who goose-stepped their way across Europe in the 1940s? - Well, I mean... 576 00:40:53,500 --> 00:40:55,500 - Erm... - Well? 577 00:40:55,500 --> 00:40:57,500 - The Dutch! - Erm... 578 00:40:57,500 --> 00:40:59,500 - You know.... - What's the name? 579 00:40:59,500 --> 00:41:01,500 - Him? - Oh, erm, reluctant to say... 580 00:41:01,500 --> 00:41:05,500 What? What are you reluctant to say, Alan? 581 00:41:05,500 --> 00:41:07,500 - Any reference to the, uh... - To...? 582 00:41:07,500 --> 00:41:11,500 - Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! - Oh, Hitler? No. 583 00:41:15,500 --> 00:41:18,500 - The Nazis didn't goose-step in the 1940s. - The Russians. 584 00:41:18,500 --> 00:41:20,500 The Russians is the right answer. But why? 585 00:41:21,500 --> 00:41:26,500 - Because they had incredibly stiff starch. - No, but why was the Nazis wrong? 586 00:41:26,500 --> 00:41:28,500 Why was the Nazis the wrong answer? Surely they did goose-step? 587 00:41:28,500 --> 00:41:30,500 They didn't do the goose-step. 588 00:41:30,500 --> 00:41:34,500 They did do the goose-step, but not in the 1940s. They stopped it in the 1930s. 589 00:41:34,500 --> 00:41:38,500 They only goose-stepped in the early years in the Nuremberg rallies, and so forth. 590 00:41:38,500 --> 00:41:40,500 - New year's resolution. - Did it fall out of fashion? 591 00:41:40,500 --> 00:41:42,500 It fell out of fashion and no new recruits were asked to do it. 592 00:41:42,500 --> 00:41:47,500 - They called it their "stechschritt". - Very high impact. 593 00:41:48,500 --> 00:41:51,500 - That's actually Chinese or Korean, I think. - That's Korean, yeah. 594 00:41:51,500 --> 00:41:53,500 North Korean. And that's the point. 595 00:41:53,500 --> 00:41:57,500 It's very hard to do and it shows just how butch, and clever and disciplined you are. 596 00:41:57,500 --> 00:42:00,500 You have to have tremendously flexible hamstrings to do that, I think. 597 00:42:00,500 --> 00:42:05,500 - You'd all have to be the same height, as well. - Yes. And Korean, apparently. 598 00:42:05,500 --> 00:42:10,500 Well, Korean or Russian, or Chinese, or Cuban, or Vietnamese, or Chilean, or Iranian. There you are. 599 00:42:11,500 --> 00:42:14,500 The Nazis dropped the goose-step in 1940. 600 00:42:14,500 --> 00:42:17,500 The only people goose-stepping in Europe, for the rest of the war where the Soviets. 601 00:42:17,500 --> 00:42:20,500 So I know all you care about now are the scores, 602 00:42:20,500 --> 00:42:23,500 and I have them in front of me and my word, they are fascinating to behold. 603 00:42:24,500 --> 00:42:29,500 - In equal last place on minus seven, Sean and Bill. - Thank you. 604 00:42:38,500 --> 00:42:42,500 In third place, on minus four, it's Alan Davies. How respectable is that? 605 00:42:47,500 --> 00:42:50,500 In second place, with minus three, it's Sandi Toksvig. 606 00:42:51,500 --> 00:42:52,500 Oh, my God. 607 00:42:53,500 --> 00:42:58,500 Which means that our glorious winner is John Hodgman. 608 00:43:05,500 --> 00:43:07,500 Well, that's it from Sandi, John, Sean, Bill and Alan and me. 609 00:43:07,500 --> 00:43:10,500 I leave you with a simple truth gleaned from the blogosphere. 610 00:43:10,500 --> 00:43:17,500 "Friendship is like wetting your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth." 611 00:43:17,500 --> 00:43:19,500 Thank you, and goodnight.