1 00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:40,500 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 2 00:00:40,500 --> 00:00:44,500 and welcome to games night at QI. Let's meet the players. 3 00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:47,500 And game for a laugh, it's Phill Jupitus. 4 00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:51,500 And... 5 00:00:52,500 --> 00:00:58,500 - At the top of his game, Sean Lock. - Thank you. Thank you. 6 00:01:00,500 --> 00:01:03,500 A game girl, Liza Tarbuck. 7 00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:07,500 And... 8 00:01:08,500 --> 00:01:12,500 Thinking about going on the game, Alan Davies. 9 00:01:18,500 --> 00:01:24,500 And tonight, the bells are all well-hung and fairly gamey. Phill goes: 10 00:01:25,500 --> 00:01:28,500 "Gladiators, ready!" 11 00:01:29,500 --> 00:01:30,500 Sean goes: 12 00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:36,500 Liza goes: 13 00:01:36,500 --> 00:01:40,500 "Goooooooal!" 14 00:01:41,500 --> 00:01:43,500 Alan goes: 15 00:01:43,500 --> 00:01:45,500 "Good game, good game." 16 00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:50,500 Aww, good game. Good game. Excellent. Well, let the games then begin. 17 00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:56,500 Picture this, Alan; it's a little complicated but I think we'll get there. Phill and yourself... 18 00:01:56,500 --> 00:01:57,500 Right. 19 00:01:57,500 --> 00:02:04,500 ...and Sean are in love, and why shouldn't you be, with Liza. 20 00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:05,500 You've noticed. 21 00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:11,500 Yes. Now, you're going to have a truel, which is a three-way duel. 22 00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:17,500 Now, the problem is, Sean's a really good shot, he hits 90% of the time, he hits the target. 23 00:02:17,500 --> 00:02:20,500 - It's amazing looking at me eyes. - Yeah, exactly... 24 00:02:21,500 --> 00:02:23,500 Phill hits the target 60% of the time. 25 00:02:23,500 --> 00:02:26,500 You, unfortunately, are not a very good shot, and you, only 10% of the time. 26 00:02:26,500 --> 00:02:27,500 Right. 27 00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:32,500 You get first shot... You've only got one... You can shoot one of them. 28 00:02:33,500 --> 00:02:36,500 They will then each have a shot afterwards. 29 00:02:37,500 --> 00:02:40,500 The question is, what would your best strategy be? 30 00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:41,500 Shoot myself. 31 00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:54,500 Tell me this... What I was going to do; shoot Liza. 32 00:02:59,500 --> 00:03:01,500 Something tells me they're all up there, though. 33 00:03:01,500 --> 00:03:03,500 Oh, then you'd have a gay three way. I wanna watch. 34 00:03:04,500 --> 00:03:06,500 I'd say, "There's something... Sean, can you look, there's something..." 35 00:03:06,500 --> 00:03:11,500 "Phill's got something on his back of his shirt," and then I shoot through Phill into Sean. 36 00:03:11,500 --> 00:03:13,500 Yeah, like we're gonna fall for that. 37 00:03:14,500 --> 00:03:17,500 And, like a bullet is going to make its way through my body at... 38 00:03:18,500 --> 00:03:20,500 Anything other than like a quarter of an hour; 39 00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:23,500 Sean will be on the other side of me going, "Any minute now it'll come. Any..." 40 00:03:23,500 --> 00:03:25,500 All right, we'll do it the other way around, we'll do it the other way around. 41 00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:31,500 Also, why... I appear to have been eating cocoa out of the jar by just rubbing my face in it. What's, erm... 42 00:03:31,500 --> 00:03:34,500 Yes, well, no expense has been spared. You've had a... 43 00:03:34,500 --> 00:03:40,500 I have done two series of QI without the beard and yet they still persist on the photo of me 44 00:03:40,500 --> 00:03:42,500 where I look like the fat Carlos the Jackal. 45 00:03:44,500 --> 00:03:46,500 You're worried about that; look at my hair! 46 00:03:47,500 --> 00:03:51,500 That is... That is more of a dog turd, than a hairdo, isn't it? 47 00:03:51,500 --> 00:03:52,500 Sorry to say. 48 00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:59,500 Well, surely the only... My best option is to try and shoot the one who's a better shot than the other one. 49 00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:02,500 - You've got a 90% chance of not hitting them. - Yeah. 50 00:04:02,500 --> 00:04:09,500 Even if you went for Sean, even if you actually did kill him, then obviously Phill would then aim at you. 51 00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:15,500 So that's a bad option. Even worse if you shoot Phill because then you've got a 90% chance if you hit him. But... 52 00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:18,500 Supposing you just miss? You deliberately miss? 53 00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:19,500 And what, then run away? 54 00:04:19,500 --> 00:04:23,500 No, you stay where you are. What's in their interests? 55 00:04:23,500 --> 00:04:25,500 Oh, yeah, yeah, shoot the one that's better. 56 00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:30,500 If Phill... If Phill shot you... You're no threat to him, he could shoot you, but then he would have no bullet, 57 00:04:30,500 --> 00:04:34,500 you would have no bullet, and Sean would have a bullet... 58 00:04:34,500 --> 00:04:37,500 - That's brilliant. Get... Bring the guns out. - Yeah, there you go. 59 00:04:41,500 --> 00:04:43,500 There you are, pass them on... 60 00:04:47,500 --> 00:04:49,500 - Oh, my Lord. There you are... - How do you load these? 61 00:04:49,500 --> 00:04:51,500 Leave it! Just leave it, it's not worth it! 62 00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:53,500 - There you are... Have you got yours? - Oh, I don't have one... 63 00:04:55,500 --> 00:05:01,500 Presumably my gun going off early is one reason that Liza's probably quite liking this. 64 00:05:02,500 --> 00:05:03,500 Lose the duel. 65 00:05:03,500 --> 00:05:08,500 What we're dealing with here, while you're refolding your ammunition, 66 00:05:08,500 --> 00:05:11,500 is something called "game theory". Does that ring a bell with you at all? 67 00:05:11,500 --> 00:05:13,500 - Game theory, have you heard of that at all? - No, we didn't do that one... 68 00:05:13,500 --> 00:05:14,500 - Game theory? - Yeah. 69 00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:15,500 - No. - No. 70 00:05:15,500 --> 00:05:19,500 It was invented by a couple of people, particularly Von Neumann and Morgenstern in America, 71 00:05:19,500 --> 00:05:22,500 but most famously, by a man called Nash. Does that mean anything to you? 72 00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:30,500 He won a Nobel Prize and then suffered terribly from the awful effects of being played by Russell Crowe in a film...? 73 00:05:30,500 --> 00:05:33,500 - Gladiator. - Not Gladiator, no. 74 00:05:34,500 --> 00:05:38,200 - Oh, the mathematician, A Beautiful Mind. - Yes, A Beautiful Mind, that's right. 75 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,200 He won a Nobel Prize for his work on game theory, 76 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:44,200 which is this kind of thinking which has been applied to economics, to business... 77 00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:49,200 For example, a very good example is advertising. Now, if you have two companies, if they both advertise, 78 00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:52,500 they're both spending an enormous amount of money and, as it were, cancelling each other out. 79 00:05:52,500 --> 00:05:58,500 If neither of them advertised, they keep the money and the market would remain the same. 80 00:05:58,500 --> 00:06:03,500 So, what it resulted in is the bizarre situation when they banned tobacco advertising, 81 00:06:03,500 --> 00:06:05,500 it was to the benefit of the tobacco firms 82 00:06:05,500 --> 00:06:09,500 because they were suddenly saved money that they were sort of wasting anyway. 83 00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:12,500 Another example was an episode of Big Brother, do you remember? 84 00:06:12,500 --> 00:06:17,500 There were two finalists, they would get fifty thousand, was the prize money. Right? 85 00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:21,500 They were going to be asked separately. If they both say they'll share it, 86 00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:23,500 then they'll share it, they'll get 25K each. 87 00:06:23,500 --> 00:06:26,500 If one of them says, "I'll take the lot", right, 88 00:06:26,500 --> 00:06:28,500 and the other one says, "I'll share it," 89 00:06:28,500 --> 00:06:30,500 the one who says, "I'll take the lot" wins the lot. 90 00:06:30,500 --> 00:06:32,500 If they both say, "I'll take the lot", 91 00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:35,500 - neither of them gets anything. Have you got that? - Yeah. 92 00:06:35,500 --> 00:06:38,500 Yeah. But if one says, "I'll share it", and the other one says, "I'll take the lot", 93 00:06:38,500 --> 00:06:40,500 - he gets it. - So what do you do? 94 00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:43,500 You're in separate rooms and they say, "Make your decision now." 95 00:06:43,500 --> 00:06:45,500 - "I came in with nothing, Stephen." - If you say... Yeah... 96 00:06:45,500 --> 00:06:49,500 "I've had a lovely day, everyone's been so nice..." 97 00:06:54,500 --> 00:06:57,500 But your best strategy, I mean, the point is to say. "I'll share it." 98 00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:58,500 - Is it? - Yeah. 99 00:06:59,500 --> 00:07:01,500 And they both did say, "I'll share it", and they both probably regretted it; 100 00:07:01,500 --> 00:07:03,500 they both went, "I should've said, 'I'll take the lot,' 101 00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:05,500 because he said, 'I'll share it', so I shouldn't have done". 102 00:07:05,500 --> 00:07:07,500 Or they probably should have studied at school. 103 00:07:10,500 --> 00:07:12,500 - Possibly. - Got on with their lives. 104 00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:17,500 Not gone into some last chance saloon, hoping to get washed up on the shores of fame. 105 00:07:17,500 --> 00:07:24,500 Many people... Many people believe that altruism amongst human beings is a genetic development 106 00:07:24,500 --> 00:07:26,500 that is playing out precisely this theorem. 107 00:07:26,500 --> 00:07:31,500 That, in a sense, the fact that it's good for us to do things for other people, for our own benefit, 108 00:07:31,500 --> 00:07:34,500 rather than being entirely selfish, is one of the principles of game theory. 109 00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:38,500 It's the best thing you can do for yourself, is to be altruistic. 110 00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:42,500 Well, that's... But that... Then again, I'll say it anyway, that was why I was offered first aid lessons. 111 00:07:42,500 --> 00:07:44,500 And I thought, "How's that gonna help me?". 112 00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:49,500 - What about the bloke... - You're a sweetheart, aren't you? 113 00:07:49,500 --> 00:07:52,500 What about the bloke; they had to cut his arm off 'cause it was stuck in the rock? 114 00:07:52,500 --> 00:07:55,500 He only knew how to get it off 'cause he'd done some fundamental first aid. 115 00:07:55,500 --> 00:07:57,500 - Yeah! - It was stuck in what? 116 00:07:57,500 --> 00:08:02,500 He was rock climbing, and he had a fall, and his arm got wedged between two rocks 117 00:08:02,500 --> 00:08:03,500 and he couldn't get it out. 118 00:08:04,500 --> 00:08:07,500 And then, the more he pulled it, the more it swelled up, got worse. 119 00:08:07,500 --> 00:08:10,500 Knew no one was gonna come, he only had a certain amount of food, 120 00:08:10,500 --> 00:08:12,500 "I'm gonna have to cut my arm off!" 121 00:08:12,500 --> 00:08:14,500 - Wow. - So what you have to do first, 122 00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:16,500 in case this ever happens to you... 123 00:08:16,500 --> 00:08:18,500 Is that you have to BREAK the arm, because you can't... 124 00:08:18,500 --> 00:08:22,500 - Oh! - There's NO way you can cut through the bone 125 00:08:22,500 --> 00:08:24,500 with a small knife, that he had. Not in the time he had. 126 00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:28,500 So, he knew that, so he had to break his arm and then he had to cut through the flesh 127 00:08:28,500 --> 00:08:30,500 and through the gap where he'd broken it. 128 00:08:31,500 --> 00:08:35,500 And, presumably, remain completely compos mentis, otherwise, he couldn't do it. 129 00:08:35,500 --> 00:08:38,500 - Yeah. - Does this hit at a particular age, 130 00:08:38,500 --> 00:08:44,500 for example, do kids have this game's mentality of sharing, or does it, say, hit later on in life? 131 00:08:44,500 --> 00:08:47,500 There was a program on about sharing... About anger, the other day... 132 00:08:47,500 --> 00:08:49,500 - Yeah? - And it said that... 133 00:08:49,500 --> 00:08:51,500 They got some children, whom I think where two. 134 00:08:51,500 --> 00:08:55,500 And they said they need to be taught to share, showing how to share, supervised. 135 00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:59,500 And, in doing so, their brains would actually grow differently... 136 00:08:59,500 --> 00:09:02,500 - Yes. The brain can make new connections and bridges... - As the brain develops. 137 00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:05,500 And that's... So that your actual personality will change... 138 00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:09,500 Well, that's a good question of Lizas, then, isn't it, is to what age this happens. 139 00:09:09,500 --> 00:09:10,500 I don't know. Interesting. 140 00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:13,500 I keep staring at the image behind your head, and I was just drawn to... 141 00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:15,500 There, you can see. 'Cause you're not looking where you're shooting. Are you? 142 00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:19,500 Alan's probably looking at a mirror by the right of his, there. 143 00:09:21,500 --> 00:09:23,500 "Hey! Fatsy!" is what he goes now. 144 00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:25,500 I'm on the job. I'm focused. 144 00:09:25,500 --> 00:09:26,500 You are, aren't you? 145 00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:31,500 I'm taking Liza home with me! 146 00:09:31,500 --> 00:09:35,500 Yeah, but you've got grade one Action Man hands that don't even grip a gun! 147 00:09:36,500 --> 00:09:38,500 And, I've just shat myself! 148 00:09:39,500 --> 00:09:41,500 - Enough! - I'm not going home with you! 150 00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:56,500 Now which popular game traditionally ends 151 00:09:56,500 --> 00:10:01,500 with all the players being thrown into a lake of fiery sulphur? 152 00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:03,500 Well, I hope it's show jumping. 153 00:10:07,500 --> 00:10:11,500 I hate show jumping. Oh, God... 154 00:10:12,500 --> 00:10:15,500 I'd have one of those after every jump. 155 00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:18,500 - Before and after every jump. - Yeah! 156 00:10:19,500 --> 00:10:22,500 It's not show jumping, though it would certainly liven it up, I reckon. 157 00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:25,500 - It sounds, er, Biblical to me. - Well... 158 00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:27,500 I don't think it's the humans, though, is it... It's pieces... Wouldn't it be pieces? 159 00:10:27,500 --> 00:10:31,500 Well, I tell you that it's a game that went dramatically out of fashion in 1972. 160 00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:35,500 Early '72, it was more popular than Monopoly. 161 00:10:35,500 --> 00:10:39,500 But, by the end of '72 it had almost completely gone out of fashion because of a film. 162 00:10:39,500 --> 00:10:40,500 Mousetrap. 163 00:10:43,500 --> 00:10:46,500 - Mousetrap. - No. There is no film about that... 164 00:10:46,500 --> 00:10:47,500 Because of a film... Is it draughts? 165 00:10:48,500 --> 00:10:50,500 Remember that film, "Draughts."? 166 00:10:51,500 --> 00:10:52,500 The film showed... 167 00:10:52,500 --> 00:10:55,500 - "The truth about draughts." - No. 168 00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:58,500 "Draughts makes you go bald. Don't play draughts." 169 00:10:58,500 --> 00:11:03,500 The film is not a game; there's a game in it. This game is played in it and it's scary. 170 00:11:03,500 --> 00:11:04,500 - Oh, is it a seance? - Yeah... 171 00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:05,500 Ouija board. 172 00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:07,500 - It is a seance using a Ouija board. - Okay. 173 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,500 - And what film was there a Ouija board? - Oh, erm... 174 00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:11,500 - The Exorcist. - The Exorcist is the right answer. 175 00:11:11,500 --> 00:11:14,500 One of the truly great films of the twentieth century. 176 00:11:14,500 --> 00:11:16,500 Is a Ouija board really a game? I don't remember ever seeing 177 00:11:16,500 --> 00:11:19,500 Ouija board scenes in the film and at the end go, "Right! Who won?" 178 00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:22,500 "Vera! Not dead!" 179 00:11:23,500 --> 00:11:27,500 Well, the odd thing about Ouija it was a board. It still belongs to Parker Brothers... 180 00:11:28,500 --> 00:11:29,500 Get out! 181 00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:32,500 Yeah, Ouija, it's a proprietary name, so it's trademarked... 182 00:11:32,500 --> 00:11:33,500 Is it "oui-jaa"? 183 00:11:34,500 --> 00:11:38,500 Interesting point, that is... Some people's theory the name of it is, yes, two words for yes, 184 00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:41,500 "oui" the French and "ja" the German, but no one's quite sure about 185 00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:45,500 where the name came from except that it was a game that was invented. 186 00:11:45,500 --> 00:11:48,500 The board was invented and it was sold and people played it. 187 00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:53,500 I mean, it's weird to say that. But, they enjoyed the fact that it nearly always works in as much as, 188 00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:56,500 you know, people spell out words and they don't know how they're doing it. 189 00:11:56,500 --> 00:12:01,500 It's clearly not dead people and in fact it was not originally supposed to be dead people that where... 190 00:12:01,500 --> 00:12:06,500 It was supposed to be you contacted yourselves, a part of yourselves that automatically wrote. 191 00:12:06,500 --> 00:12:08,500 It was not about seances... 192 00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:09,500 Dead people just joined in. 193 00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:13,500 "Of all games, this is good. This is the one for us." 194 00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:18,500 Even when recently asked, only a third of the people who still use Ouija boards 195 00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:19,500 say they do it to contact dead people. 196 00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:24,500 And in the First World War it was used to contact your troops abroad, supposedly. 197 00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:28,500 So... So, hold on, are some dead people trying to communicate with living through Monopoly? 198 00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:34,500 Yeah. There was a court case in the nineties, I'm sorry to say, in Britain, 199 00:12:34,500 --> 00:12:38,500 a murder case, quite an important one, and the jury had to be dismissed because 200 00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:43,500 in the hotel overnight they used a Ouija board to try and contact the murdered person... 201 00:12:45,500 --> 00:12:49,500 And apparently the murdered person said, "The guy in the dock is guilty; convict him." 202 00:12:51,500 --> 00:12:53,500 And the judge heard about it and dismissed the jury, 203 00:12:53,500 --> 00:12:57,500 quite rightly, you may say, but the awful thing was, if they'd done it in the jury room, 204 00:12:57,500 --> 00:12:59,500 the judge couldn't have dismissed them, 205 00:12:59,500 --> 00:13:03,500 'cause the judge has no right in law to know what goes on in the jury room. 206 00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:05,500 The deliberations must be private. 207 00:13:05,500 --> 00:13:06,500 Unless he's dead. 208 00:13:06,500 --> 00:13:07,500 Ah! 209 00:13:07,500 --> 00:13:09,500 Yeah, that's really complicated... 210 00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:10,500 Was the guy guilty? 211 00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:15,500 Unfortunately, he was re-tried and found guilty which, sort of, is really irritating. 212 00:13:16,500 --> 00:13:19,500 - So maybe the ghost of the murdered person did tell... - It works. 213 00:13:19,500 --> 00:13:21,500 Where's the competitive element? 214 00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:23,500 - I suppose you just have a go. - Yeah 215 00:13:23,500 --> 00:13:25,500 "Who you trying to contact? Right, it's your turn..." 216 00:13:26,500 --> 00:13:27,500 Yeah. Exactly. 217 00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:30,500 Or you contact two dead people and then they box. 218 00:13:31,500 --> 00:13:33,500 And then they tell you how it went. 219 00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:34,500 Ghost boxing! 220 00:13:35,500 --> 00:13:36,500 Ghost boxing! 221 00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:39,500 "As nice boards do!" 222 00:13:40,500 --> 00:13:43,500 "Buy Ghost Boxing from Aunty Vera's Parlour!" 223 00:13:45,500 --> 00:13:46,500 - Some people in sheets... - Yeah. 224 00:13:48,500 --> 00:13:50,500 Headless man, he's already down. 225 00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:53,500 It's like that, trying to punch him... 226 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,500 Do you know there's an Elvis... 227 00:13:57,500 --> 00:14:00,500 There you go... Go on, hit me! Hit me! 228 00:14:05,500 --> 00:14:08,500 There's an Elvis seance website... 229 00:14:08,500 --> 00:14:09,500 Of course there is. I bet there's more than one of those. 230 00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:12,500 Erm, yeah, where you contact Elvis... 231 00:14:12,500 --> 00:14:14,500 - Online? - Yeah, but it cautions... 232 00:14:15,500 --> 00:14:19,500 It cautions: "If you wish to repeat this experiment, please be considerate." 233 00:14:19,500 --> 00:14:23,500 "Many people may wish to contact Elvis and we're sure he's quite busy." 234 00:14:25,500 --> 00:14:27,500 - "Please treat this information..." - For an eternity. 235 00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:30,500 Yes. "Please treat this information the same as you would if he were alive 236 00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:33,500 and you had his email address, with respect." 237 00:14:34,500 --> 00:14:36,500 It's a terrifying thought, isn't it? 238 00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:38,500 A sort of posthumous Twitter and things like that. 239 00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:41,500 That would be hell, I have to say. 240 00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:42,500 - Yeah, you just thought of that? - Yeah. 241 00:14:42,500 --> 00:14:44,500 - You're in it up to your neck. - Oh, God. 242 00:14:46,500 --> 00:14:47,500 Horrifying. 243 00:14:47,500 --> 00:14:50,500 But the reference in the Bible to the fiery lake, or whatever, is from Revelations 244 00:14:50,500 --> 00:14:55,500 where it does say those who practice the magic arts will be cast into burning sulphur. So... 245 00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:56,500 How about balloon animals? 246 00:14:57,500 --> 00:15:02,500 Ooh, the punishment for people who do balloon animals is not specified in Revelations. 247 00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:04,500 Giraffe. 248 00:15:04,500 --> 00:15:07,500 I think it's loneliness, the punishment for them. 249 00:15:09,500 --> 00:15:14,500 It think it's... Long nights... Sitting alone... 250 00:15:15,500 --> 00:15:17,500 Actually, if you had a Ouija board, 251 00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:20,500 we would probably contact me a few gigs I did in the middle of the... 252 00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:22,500 You've never died on stage! 253 00:15:22,500 --> 00:15:24,500 Royal Albert Hall. Oh, my God! 254 00:15:24,500 --> 00:15:27,500 - Really? - When Roger Daltrey's carrying you off, going, 255 00:15:27,500 --> 00:15:30,500 "Don't worry, son. Don't worry." You KNOW you've died at a gig. 256 00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:33,500 Well, you weren't there the whole evening, where you? Just as a guest? 257 00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:36,500 No, no. Just... I was just... They put The Who on. The Who did, eh... 258 00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:39,500 - Some songs. - Just... But just like, massive hits. 259 00:15:39,500 --> 00:15:42,500 And they've just did "Won't get fooled again", which finishes... 260 00:15:43,500 --> 00:15:45,500 And then, someone: "Ladies and gentlemen, Phill Jupitus!" 261 00:15:45,500 --> 00:15:47,500 - So, I really didn't think it through - No. Perhaps not. 262 00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:50,500 The first... The first squeak of those balloons, 'cause you just... 263 00:15:52,500 --> 00:15:53,500 "I've lost them!" 264 00:15:57,500 --> 00:16:00,500 - I hope... - "These apush sticks weren't build for this sound!" 265 00:16:02,500 --> 00:16:06,500 It goes, puppy, giraffe. Then funny hat, and then, that's the closer. 266 00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,500 They all make hats for all the people in the audience. 267 00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:14,500 There you are. It is interesting, of course, that although a lot of people have gone to Ouijas 268 00:16:14,500 --> 00:16:18,500 and these things, they say words are spelled out, of course, it isn't dead people. 269 00:16:18,500 --> 00:16:20,500 'Cause dead people are dead, so they can't do that. 270 00:16:20,500 --> 00:16:24,500 And if they did, if they want to anything, they wouldn't want to help spelling out words. 271 00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:28,500 But if you blindfold people, they still move around and do things, 272 00:16:28,500 --> 00:16:32,500 but when you turn round without them noticing, they'll just spell out gobbelty gooks, surprisingly. 273 00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:34,500 Which I think that kind of proofs the point, doesn't it? 274 00:16:34,500 --> 00:16:38,500 So, yeah, in my youth, games which conjured up the spirits of the dead were a popular gift for children. 275 00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:39,500 It's a weird thought. 276 00:16:39,500 --> 00:16:42,500 If they didn't like it they could go to hell, essentially. 277 00:16:42,500 --> 00:16:46,500 So during the Second World War, who were the "Scallywags"? 278 00:16:46,500 --> 00:16:48,500 Does that ring a bell? The Scallywags? 279 00:16:48,500 --> 00:16:50,500 Not them, that's just a little suggestion box... 280 00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:51,500 Little urchin types? 281 00:16:51,500 --> 00:16:53,500 I'm fairly sure it wasn't the S.S. 282 00:16:54,500 --> 00:16:56,500 Well, that's the odd thing! 283 00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:58,500 - It's the S.S.? - No. 284 00:17:01,500 --> 00:17:04,500 You mean, they were the Scallywags Scallywags? 285 00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:07,500 - All I'm saying is... - The cheekiest men in the war! 286 00:17:07,500 --> 00:17:12,500 Despite the cheeky name, we're talking about something really dark and violent. 287 00:17:12,500 --> 00:17:14,500 - That's where I'm going... - Assassins? 288 00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:15,500 Snipers? 289 00:17:15,500 --> 00:17:21,500 Well no. What was the cutest, cuddliest, sweetest part of the British forces, probably, if you think of... 290 00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:23,500 - Vera Lynn. - Yes, or...? 291 00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:26,500 - ENSA. ? Dad's Army, for example. Or the Home Guard, right? 292 00:17:26,500 --> 00:17:31,500 But there were plans afoot, that if and probably when... 293 00:17:31,500 --> 00:17:34,500 Right, that's a man dressed as a woman, doing a practice... 294 00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:41,500 If and when the Germans invaded, there will be a guerrilla section of people who were not mainstream military... 295 00:17:41,500 --> 00:17:45,500 I almost wish they had invaded now that the cat is out of the bag! 296 00:17:45,500 --> 00:17:48,500 There were... There were people in reserved occupations like... 297 00:17:48,500 --> 00:17:49,500 - "Heads up, Fritz." - Yeah. 298 00:17:49,500 --> 00:17:52,500 Thing about that picture, the baby's the best shot. 299 00:17:54,500 --> 00:17:58,500 It's a truel. The clergymen and doctors were secretly trained, 300 00:17:58,500 --> 00:18:03,500 given money and supply dumps and ammunition and explosives and a gallon of rum in each one, 301 00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:07,500 and their job would be: When the Germans came... Not only... 302 00:18:07,500 --> 00:18:08,500 Not only to shoot Germans but... 303 00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:14,500 There was a general view that Churchill would be killed or removed and someone like Lord Halifax would go in... 304 00:18:14,500 --> 00:18:17,500 And Michael Foot was one of these "Scallywags", as they were called. 305 00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:22,500 They were secret auxiliary part of Dad's Army, and he and George Orwell and J.B. Priestley and others... 306 00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:26,500 All were trained to assassinate anyone who collaborated with the Nazis. 307 00:18:26,500 --> 00:18:30,500 And there would be an underground resistance and Michael Foot said, "I would have killed Lord Halifax." 308 00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:33,500 "I was quite prepared to and I... I would have killed him." 309 00:18:33,500 --> 00:18:37,500 So they were pretty violent, it was not an easy, cosy thing. Quite... 310 00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:38,500 - It's a good story, isn't it? - It's a clev... 311 00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:42,500 It's a terribly clever thing though, isn't it, because if somebody did come over and collaborate, 312 00:18:42,500 --> 00:18:47,200 anybody who might have otherwise caused trouble or ructions of a different kind... 313 00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:49,500 Would be automatically on the side of good. 314 00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:51,500 - Yes, that's the way... - If you know what I mean. 315 00:18:51,500 --> 00:18:55,500 You're exactly right; a group of radicals and left-wingers had an uneasy alliance 316 00:18:55,500 --> 00:18:57,500 - with the military who trained them... - Absolutely. 317 00:18:57,500 --> 00:19:00,500 ...against the possibility of anybody who collaborated with Nazis. 318 00:19:00,500 --> 00:19:02,500 - That is a double mind Jedi... - It is. 319 00:19:02,500 --> 00:19:03,500 I think they're commonly known. 320 00:19:03,500 --> 00:19:06,500 What I'm interested in is how Michael Foot's changed his image over the years. 321 00:19:07,500 --> 00:19:08,500 He has a little. 322 00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:12,500 If he'd have worn that beautiful outfit on Armistice Day, there wouldn't have been all that fuss. 323 00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:14,500 It's Spike Milligan. 324 00:19:14,500 --> 00:19:17,500 Well, yeah. Also they were trained on night duty, on stealth, 325 00:19:17,500 --> 00:19:20,500 but they only had two weeks' worth of rations with them because, 326 00:19:20,500 --> 00:19:23,500 essentially, the belief was that they wouldn't survive any longer than that. 327 00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:27,500 They were, basically, suicide squads; they were a terrorist suicide squad 328 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:30,500 as we'd now call them, essentially; that's what they were trained in. 329 00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:33,500 It was a cellular structure, like terrorists; they didn't know who the others were, 330 00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:37,500 they only knew their own band and they were tasked to do specific... 331 00:19:37,500 --> 00:19:39,500 Can we expect that such an organisation exists today? 332 00:19:39,500 --> 00:19:41,500 - I wonder. - Mmm. 333 00:19:41,500 --> 00:19:42,500 - I wouldn't... - Yes. 334 00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:43,500 I'm not allowed to tell you. 335 00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:45,500 Have you... Who've you been trained to kill? 336 00:19:45,500 --> 00:19:48,500 Their unofficial motto was "Terror by Night". 337 00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:51,500 Even in the ordinary, if you can call it that, 338 00:19:51,500 --> 00:19:53,500 Home Guard there were some pretty tough things being taught. 339 00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:57,500 Boy Scouts aged 12 to 14 were given demonstrations at Osterley Park, 340 00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:59,500 where the training camp was for the Home Guard, 341 00:19:59,500 --> 00:20:02,500 of how to decapitate motorcyclists by stretching wire across the road. 342 00:20:02,500 --> 00:20:05,500 - That's 12 to 14 years old. - That's the kind of scouting I wanted to do... 343 00:20:06,500 --> 00:20:08,500 Not following twigs around Epping Forest! 344 00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:13,500 And Harry Lee, who was the British roller skating champion, 345 00:20:13,500 --> 00:20:16,500 demonstrated how to use roller skates to knee someone in the groin, as you see. 346 00:20:18,500 --> 00:20:20,500 If you're going to slip over, though, how are you going to get the other foot anchored? 347 00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:24,500 Yeah, I think he may not have thought it through, you may be right. 348 00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:37,500 Who were the toughest of all vegetarians? In history? 349 00:20:37,500 --> 00:20:40,500 That's a sort of a bit of a, what's it called, an oxymoron. Isn't it? 350 00:20:40,500 --> 00:20:41,500 You'd think, well... Is it? 351 00:20:41,500 --> 00:20:45,500 There are whole swathes of Asia where there are a lot of vegetarians... 352 00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:48,500 - There are. - I'm sure their armies would be quite fearsome. 353 00:20:48,500 --> 00:20:52,500 Some sort of Shaolin monk? Ninjas, Kung-fu... Wi-Orient, hairy Oriental... 354 00:20:52,500 --> 00:20:55,500 Well, yeah, I mean, you may be right, but who were the tough... 355 00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:56,500 - Well, not the toughest... - Bulls. 356 00:20:56,500 --> 00:20:59,500 Bull? Yes well of course that's true, the strongest animals on Earth 357 00:20:59,500 --> 00:21:02,500 - are all vegetarian... - They're tough as anything and they're not carnivores. 358 00:21:02,500 --> 00:21:05,500 - But, no, I'm thinking of in history. - Hitler was quite tough, I suppose. 359 00:21:05,500 --> 00:21:07,500 Ah, yes, but Hitler was not a vegetarian. 360 00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:09,500 - Wasn't he? - No, oddly enough. 361 00:21:09,500 --> 00:21:12,500 For some reason people want to think of him as a vegetarian. 362 00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:15,500 I mean, it's certainly true that he didn't smoke or drink much; he occasionally had glasses of wine, but... 363 00:21:15,500 --> 00:21:19,500 I'm not saying he was wonderful, but then... 364 00:21:20,500 --> 00:21:22,500 By saying he's vegetarian, I'm not saying he's ghastly either. 365 00:21:22,500 --> 00:21:26,500 - Think of a film in the last fifteen years... - Cowboys? No... 366 00:21:26,500 --> 00:21:30,500 Cowboys? It was a very successful film, Australian actor starred as a...? 367 00:21:30,500 --> 00:21:32,500 - Gladiators. - Gladiators is the answer, yeah. 368 00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:35,300 - They were vegetarians, were they? - They were. They were not only... 369 00:21:35,300 --> 00:21:37,500 They were vegans in fact, or "vay-gans", however you like to say it. 370 00:21:37,500 --> 00:21:41,500 Relatively recent discoveries in Ephesus, where there is a mass grave of gladiators, 371 00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:46,500 showed that they gave all indications that they didn't eat meat and in fact they were known as "barley men", 372 00:21:46,500 --> 00:21:52,300 Hordearii, meaning "eaters of barley". It was thought that they basically ate barley and beans 373 00:21:52,300 --> 00:21:56,500 and a bit of dry ash, which is supposed to be good for the muscles, but it was important that they were quite fat. 374 00:21:56,500 --> 00:21:58,500 And they're always shown as stocky in art. 375 00:21:59,500 --> 00:22:02,500 How can they find out that they're vegetarian from an archaeological dig? 376 00:22:02,500 --> 00:22:03,500 Well, a number of things. Teeth... 377 00:22:03,500 --> 00:22:04,500 - Shopping lists. - Oh, okay! 378 00:22:04,500 --> 00:22:05,500 Teeth... 379 00:22:08,500 --> 00:22:10,500 You know, their Waitrose. 380 00:22:11,500 --> 00:22:15,500 Carved with flint on slate. Beans. 381 00:22:16,500 --> 00:22:17,500 No. Just loads of toilet paper. 382 00:22:19,500 --> 00:22:23,500 Do you know what... I thought, beyond teeth, how would they know? 383 00:22:23,500 --> 00:22:26,500 - Did they found a... - Well, actually, chemicals in the bone and so on, 384 00:22:26,500 --> 00:22:29,500 and levels of zinc and things like that that indicate very strongly... 385 00:22:29,500 --> 00:22:31,500 Low levels of zinc indicates they didn't eat meat. 386 00:22:32,500 --> 00:22:34,500 See, I have a problem with all this prehistoric science; 387 00:22:34,500 --> 00:22:39,500 it's the fact that... What they do, they get the bones and they go "bzzzz bzzzzz"... 388 00:22:40,500 --> 00:22:42,500 I assume that's what... Something like that... 389 00:22:42,500 --> 00:22:45,500 And they've got to find something. Hadn't they? They go, 390 00:22:45,500 --> 00:22:47,500 "Oh, these chemicals suggest they only ate vegetables." 391 00:22:47,500 --> 00:22:50,500 They can't go, "Hasn't been of any use to use whatsoever." 392 00:22:52,500 --> 00:22:53,500 Well, oddly enough... 393 00:22:53,500 --> 00:22:56,500 "I just wasted the last three bloody years of my life!" 394 00:22:57,500 --> 00:23:01,500 That is so precisely what scientists DO do. Yes, they say constantly, all the time, 395 00:23:01,500 --> 00:23:04,500 "It's not indicative of anything, we don't know", "We don't know". 396 00:23:04,500 --> 00:23:07,500 If there's any group of people who says "we don't know" a lot, it's scientists. 397 00:23:07,500 --> 00:23:11,500 Unlike religionists. And isn't it weird that scientists are the ones that are accused of being arrogant? 398 00:23:11,500 --> 00:23:15,500 It's so ridiculous. But "we don't know" is the default position on science. 399 00:23:15,500 --> 00:23:18,500 - Until you absolutely know something... - "Actually, we just don't know." 400 00:23:18,500 --> 00:23:20,500 - "We just don't know." - "We just..." 401 00:23:20,500 --> 00:23:22,500 "Minute to minute, we just don't know." 402 00:23:24,500 --> 00:23:29,500 Anyway, the fact is, it seems at the moment, that Roman gladiators were strict vegans. 403 00:23:29,500 --> 00:23:34,500 Now, what kind of contest might end in either a checkmate or, a knock-out? 404 00:23:35,500 --> 00:23:37,500 Well, by the look of it, "Choxing". 405 00:23:39,500 --> 00:23:41,500 I'm gonna give you the points! 406 00:23:41,500 --> 00:23:42,700 - Is it called "choxing"? - It's not called "choxing". 407 00:23:42,700 --> 00:23:44,500 - "Bess"? - It's called "chess boxing". 408 00:23:44,500 --> 00:23:46,500 - "Ch-boxing"? - There is a sport called "chess boxing". 410 00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:48,500 Yeah. I know. It's weird. 411 00:23:48,500 --> 00:23:51,500 You play and fight with one other at the same time? 412 00:23:51,500 --> 00:23:53,500 - Where you have a move and get up and... - "Tonight... Tonight at the Empire Pool Wembley; 413 00:23:53,500 --> 00:23:56,500 Henry Cooper meets Garry Kasparov!" 414 00:23:57,500 --> 00:24:01,500 No, you have to be good at both, it's like a pentathamus, I'll tell you... 415 00:24:01,500 --> 00:24:03,500 - You box around, then you do some chess? - Yeah, basically. 416 00:24:03,500 --> 00:24:06,500 You've got twelve minutes on the chess clock, and you've got four minutes of chess, 417 00:24:06,500 --> 00:24:08,500 then three minutes of boxing, then back again. 418 00:24:08,500 --> 00:24:11,500 And, between rounds, players have one minute to remove or don their gloves, 419 00:24:11,500 --> 00:24:14,500 'cause, obviously, boxing gloves and chess doesn't work very well. 420 00:24:14,500 --> 00:24:16,500 You win by either checkmate or knock-out. 421 00:24:16,500 --> 00:24:20,500 Or failing those by retirement or exceeding the time limit on the board. 422 00:24:20,500 --> 00:24:23,500 Do you know who the Ukrainian WBC heavyweight champion is? 423 00:24:23,500 --> 00:24:24,500 - Wladimir Klitschko. - Yes! 424 00:24:24,500 --> 00:24:26,500 - And his brother is...? - Klitschko. 425 00:24:26,500 --> 00:24:28,500 - His brother is Wladimir... - Erm... Dennis. 426 00:24:28,500 --> 00:24:31,500 No. Vitali is the WBC, and Wladimir is IBF. 427 00:24:31,500 --> 00:24:35,500 They're brothers, and Vitali is a PhD, and plays chess very well. 428 00:24:35,500 --> 00:24:38,500 And his brother is also a chess player. So they could probably play. 429 00:24:38,500 --> 00:24:40,500 And Lennox Lewis is a very keen chess player. 430 00:24:40,500 --> 00:24:43,500 In fact, when Lennox Lewis played Klitschko, he beat him, in fact, didn't he? 431 00:24:43,500 --> 00:24:46,500 They would be the ideal, but it does exist and took place in... 432 00:24:46,500 --> 00:24:48,500 Firstly in the Netherlands in 2003. 433 00:24:48,500 --> 00:24:50,500 You can do that with other sports, couldn't you, though? 434 00:24:50,500 --> 00:24:52,500 - Yeah! Go on! - I don't know... 435 00:24:54,500 --> 00:24:55,500 - Chugby! - "Chugby"? 436 00:24:56,500 --> 00:24:58,500 - With chess and rugby! - Chess and rugby. Chugby. I like it! 437 00:24:58,500 --> 00:25:00,500 Darts and swimming. 438 00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:02,500 - Ooh! - "Swarts". 439 00:25:04,500 --> 00:25:06,500 - Or "dimming". - Or "dimming". Yeah. 440 00:25:06,500 --> 00:25:09,500 - Underwater darts, would that work? - Oh, yes. I like the sound of that. 441 00:25:09,500 --> 00:25:10,500 Or, darts AT swimmers. 442 00:25:12,500 --> 00:25:15,500 I went to the Olympics in Athens, I went to the swimming, "I'll go..." 443 00:25:15,500 --> 00:25:18,500 "There's swimming, that will be fantastic! It'll be very exciting..." It's rubbish! 444 00:25:18,500 --> 00:25:22,500 You have no idea what's going on, just sat, looking at a pool... 445 00:25:23,500 --> 00:25:25,500 People where just going up and down, you have... 446 00:25:25,500 --> 00:25:28,500 You have NO idea of who's in the lead, who's won... 447 00:25:28,500 --> 00:25:29,500 - Television... - Which one is which... 448 00:25:29,500 --> 00:25:30,500 Yeah. 449 00:25:30,500 --> 00:25:31,500 200?. 450 00:25:31,500 --> 00:25:33,500 Whoa! Did you get them back? 451 00:25:33,500 --> 00:25:36,500 Don't bother. When we have in 2012, I'll be at everything BUT the swimming. 452 00:25:37,500 --> 00:25:39,500 - What about "fooker"? - Same to you! 453 00:25:40,500 --> 00:25:42,500 A variety of football and snooker. 454 00:25:42,500 --> 00:25:44,500 What about "ping swingball"? 455 00:25:46,500 --> 00:25:48,500 - Say again? - Ping swingball. 456 00:25:48,500 --> 00:25:51,500 - Ping swingball? Very good. - Ping pong at one end, swingball with the other. 457 00:25:51,500 --> 00:25:52,500 Superb. 458 00:25:52,500 --> 00:25:53,500 Trivial Winks. 459 00:25:57,500 --> 00:25:58,500 Trivial Winks! 460 00:25:59,500 --> 00:26:00,500 Trivial Winks. "Do you fancy a game?" 461 00:26:01,500 --> 00:26:02,500 Trivial Winks. 462 00:26:03,500 --> 00:26:08,500 There's a thing called "Calcio fiorentino", which is a form of football and martial arts, together. 463 00:26:08,500 --> 00:26:12,500 Played in Florence, which the rules permit head butting, punching, elbowing and choking. 464 00:26:14,500 --> 00:26:16,500 - This year, there was a new rule that banned... - They should have that game at Wimbledon. 465 00:26:18,500 --> 00:26:21,500 This year, there was a new rule that banned people with criminal records. 466 00:26:24,500 --> 00:26:27,500 And one team lost twenty of its players under this rule... 467 00:26:27,500 --> 00:26:29,500 - That's a bit unfortunate. - Suspicious. 468 00:26:29,500 --> 00:26:34,500 There's Slamball, which is an American game. Which is a sort of basketball, 469 00:26:34,500 --> 00:26:39,500 where they have trampolines on the court. So you can use them to block and to bounce, 470 00:26:39,500 --> 00:26:41,500 - have you seen that? - Yeah! No, I've seen that. 471 00:26:41,500 --> 00:26:43,500 There's a channel that shows nothing but that. 472 00:26:43,500 --> 00:26:44,500 - Really? - Is it good? 473 00:26:44,500 --> 00:26:47,500 These games are really for people who couldn't get in to a football team, aren't they? 474 00:26:47,500 --> 00:26:52,500 Where they go, "Well, you didn't make the team squad, but you can play chefflington", or whatever. 475 00:26:54,500 --> 00:26:56,500 - I was thinking about... - I didn't really try there, did I? 476 00:26:57,500 --> 00:27:01,500 Well, anyway. Chess boxing is a quite interesting, hybrid sport. 477 00:27:01,500 --> 00:27:08,500 What was the first price in the annual Mayan, right, ball game tournament? 478 00:27:09,500 --> 00:27:11,500 - Yes? - I haven't hade one, so I thought... 479 00:27:11,500 --> 00:27:12,500 An avocado? 480 00:27:13,500 --> 00:27:14,500 - It comes from there, doesn't it? - Yeah! 481 00:27:14,500 --> 00:27:15,500 It comes from that area. 482 00:27:15,500 --> 00:27:17,500 - Trousers. - Some trousers? 483 00:27:21,500 --> 00:27:23,500 - A pair of trainers. - "A pair of trainers". 484 00:27:23,500 --> 00:27:24,500 Looks good though, doesn't it? 485 00:27:24,500 --> 00:27:26,500 Why does the spectators have their clothes on? 486 00:27:27,500 --> 00:27:29,500 Fat people in clothes. 487 00:27:29,500 --> 00:27:31,500 What else do we know about Mayans? 488 00:27:31,500 --> 00:27:33,500 - Sacrifice. Blood sacrifice. - Yes. 489 00:27:33,500 --> 00:27:37,500 - Your life? Was the price your life? - Basically, yeah. 490 00:27:37,500 --> 00:27:40,500 Your life was taken. If you where the captain of the winning team, 491 00:27:40,500 --> 00:27:42,500 you where killed, and your heart was taken out and burned. 492 00:27:43,500 --> 00:27:44,500 - Which... - God! 493 00:27:44,500 --> 00:27:47,500 - Seems an aw... - What's that gonna do with the post match interview? 494 00:27:48,500 --> 00:27:49,500 "Well, gotta say..." 495 00:27:50,500 --> 00:27:53,500 "WAIT! WHOAH! OH MY GOD!!! MY HEART!!! MY HEART!!!" 496 00:27:56,500 --> 00:27:57,500 "Thank you, Dave!" 497 00:28:02,500 --> 00:28:03,500 Excellent! 498 00:28:06,500 --> 00:28:09,500 What was the incentive, though? Why would you want to win? 499 00:28:09,500 --> 00:28:10,500 Well, this is the logical problem, isn't it? 500 00:28:10,500 --> 00:28:15,500 They played the game for 3000 years, from 1400 B.C. It wasn't until 700 A.D., 501 00:28:15,500 --> 00:28:20,500 when a king known as "Eighteen Rabbit" decided that it made better sense to sacrifice 502 00:28:20,500 --> 00:28:22,500 - the captain of the losing team. - Yeah. 503 00:28:23,500 --> 00:28:25,500 'Cause as you say, it would incentive each side to play better. 504 00:28:25,500 --> 00:28:27,500 A long time to work it out, wasn't it? 505 00:28:27,500 --> 00:28:29,500 "No wonder the games been rubbish for all these years." 506 00:28:29,500 --> 00:28:32,500 - "And none of those goaled... Yet!" - "Oh! I get it!" 507 00:28:33,500 --> 00:28:35,500 "96 own goals???" 508 00:28:38,500 --> 00:28:40,500 - Who knows why? But, maybe... - But that's kind of interesting, then... 509 00:28:40,500 --> 00:28:44,500 'Cause, I was thinking, if they went along to that slaughter willingly... 510 00:28:44,500 --> 00:28:45,500 I think that's... That's it. 511 00:28:45,500 --> 00:28:48,500 - It was an honour to die. - Then, they would have their minds set. Yeah. 512 00:28:48,500 --> 00:28:50,500 - I don't agree, I... - But then the fact, that the guy changed it, 513 00:28:50,500 --> 00:28:52,500 that's clearly... That doesn't make sense at all, does it? 514 00:28:52,500 --> 00:28:54,500 - No. Maybe... - If you can say it's safer now, 515 00:28:54,500 --> 00:28:58,500 even with all the problems with the BBC, and what's politically correct, 516 00:28:58,500 --> 00:29:01,500 I think, you could safely say: the Mayans where stupid! 517 00:29:03,500 --> 00:29:05,500 They're really ... stupid! 518 00:29:06,500 --> 00:29:09,500 If I'd known this, about those terrible, terrible Mayans, 519 00:29:09,500 --> 00:29:11,500 I wouldn't have enjoyed my Aztec bars back in the seventies... 520 00:29:12,500 --> 00:29:14,500 - With such bandon. - They where... They where for the Aztecs. 521 00:29:14,500 --> 00:29:16,500 - Yes. Aztecs... - Are they completely different? 522 00:29:18,500 --> 00:29:21,500 Aztecs is Mexico, Mayans; Belgium. 523 00:29:24,500 --> 00:29:25,500 Mayans is Peru, isn't it? 524 00:29:25,500 --> 00:29:27,500 - Well, no. That was the Incas, really. - Awww... 525 00:29:27,500 --> 00:29:28,500 The Mayans... 526 00:29:29,500 --> 00:29:31,500 The Mayans did share the same land as the Aztecs. 527 00:29:31,500 --> 00:29:33,500 I mean, it was Central America, really, sort of Honduras 528 00:29:33,500 --> 00:29:35,300 - all the way through up to Mexico. - Oh, I see, right. 529 00:29:35,300 --> 00:29:37,500 - I say, do you wanna take all that back now? - Yeah! 530 00:29:38,500 --> 00:29:39,500 And you where sitting going... 531 00:29:41,500 --> 00:29:43,500 Oh! Now, now, children... 532 00:29:43,500 --> 00:29:45,500 No, no! That's... That's a complimentary. That's a... 533 00:29:45,500 --> 00:29:46,500 That's how you take it back. 534 00:29:46,500 --> 00:29:48,500 - That's it. Respect. - Very good. Lovely. Well done. 535 00:29:48,500 --> 00:29:49,500 Well done. Yeah. There you are. 536 00:29:49,500 --> 00:29:50,500 Yeah, the winners of the Mayan championships, 537 00:29:50,500 --> 00:29:54,500 in the beginning, where sacrificed to the sun god, until, um... 538 00:29:54,500 --> 00:29:56,500 One year, the king known as "Eighteen Rabbit" 539 00:29:56,500 --> 00:29:59,500 decided to change the rules an sacrifice the losers instead. 540 00:29:59,500 --> 00:30:02,500 Now, where might you see a boat like this, here? 541 00:30:03,500 --> 00:30:04,500 Las Vegas. 542 00:30:05,500 --> 00:30:08,500 Oh, she's good... Stopped you from... 543 00:30:09,500 --> 00:30:10,500 Stopped you from saying... 544 00:30:10,500 --> 00:30:12,500 - That water is too clean... - Yeah! 545 00:30:12,500 --> 00:30:13,500 Much too clean... 546 00:30:13,500 --> 00:30:17,500 - For the place that will set the bells off. - That whole wall isn't rotten and sinking. 547 00:30:17,500 --> 00:30:20,500 Those people in that gondola, clearly still have some money left. 548 00:30:22,500 --> 00:30:25,500 Because, let me tell you, if you go in the gondolas in Venice... 549 00:30:26,500 --> 00:30:28,500 Kiss goodbye to the rest of the holiday! 550 00:30:28,500 --> 00:30:31,500 - Well, he's just paid 50?... - They will be cuing at the tell at social services. 551 00:30:31,500 --> 00:30:33,500 He just paid 50? for that handjob. 552 00:30:33,500 --> 00:30:34,500 They... Oh, hello! 553 00:30:36,500 --> 00:30:40,500 Looks to me, looks more like the Italian guy's leaning over her, and asking her for her room number. 554 00:30:41,500 --> 00:30:42,500 Very likely... 555 00:30:42,500 --> 00:30:45,500 Now, but there's another reason why that could not possibly be Venice. 556 00:30:45,500 --> 00:30:48,500 That's the gondola itself, what's wrong with it? 557 00:30:48,500 --> 00:30:49,500 Just too bling. 558 00:30:49,500 --> 00:30:52,500 Well it is too bling, actually, yeah, but that's because... 559 00:30:52,500 --> 00:30:54,500 Have you been to Venice? Have you noticed gondolas? 560 00:30:54,500 --> 00:30:57,500 - Yeah. Very expensive. - They're very expensive, yes. 561 00:30:57,500 --> 00:30:59,500 - They're black. - They're all black. 562 00:30:59,500 --> 00:31:02,500 It's an ordinance from 1633 onwards; they have to be black, 563 00:31:02,500 --> 00:31:05,500 a sumptuary law that says they will be black. 564 00:31:06,500 --> 00:31:08,500 They're allowed little bits of ornament and bling, as you can see, 565 00:31:08,500 --> 00:31:11,500 and they're allowed a little curly prow and a few other such things, 566 00:31:11,500 --> 00:31:14,700 but they must be black. Since we're in Las Vegas, let's go to the casino. 567 00:31:14,700 --> 00:31:18,500 We've talked about them a bit but, erm, how can you win money from a casino? 568 00:31:19,500 --> 00:31:20,500 Magnets. 569 00:31:21,500 --> 00:31:23,500 - Counting cards. - Prostitution. 570 00:31:24,500 --> 00:31:26,500 Card counting, that's right. 571 00:31:26,500 --> 00:31:28,500 And they can spot that you're doing it. They have people that watch, 572 00:31:28,500 --> 00:31:29,500 - and know that you're doing it. - They do. 573 00:31:29,500 --> 00:31:34,500 And it was a chap who wrote a book, Ben... Something, no... 574 00:31:34,500 --> 00:31:35,500 Nevis. 575 00:31:36,500 --> 00:31:40,500 - Awfully good... - No, I don't think he could do it. He's... 576 00:31:40,500 --> 00:31:42,500 He's a maths teacher at college and he gets some students... 577 00:31:42,500 --> 00:31:43,500 - M.I.T. students, wasn't it? - Yeah, yeah, 578 00:31:43,500 --> 00:31:48,500 and they went as an experiment, kind of, and he's been banned from casinos. 579 00:31:48,500 --> 00:31:50,500 It's not against the law and you're not cheating; actually, 580 00:31:50,500 --> 00:31:52,500 what you're doing is playing the game extremely well. 581 00:31:52,500 --> 00:31:55,500 Now what happens is that they have this amazing 582 00:31:55,500 --> 00:31:58,500 face recognition technology that all the casinos in the world buy into. 583 00:31:58,500 --> 00:32:03,500 If you went into a casino in Phoenix, say, er, and did some card counting and they said, 584 00:32:03,500 --> 00:32:05,500 "Excuse me, sir, can you leave?", they can't really take your winnings away from you; 585 00:32:05,500 --> 00:32:09,500 they just make you leave. Unless they're criminals, they'll try and beat you up if they really dislike you... 586 00:32:09,500 --> 00:32:12,500 And you were to go to one in Macau, flew over the next day, 587 00:32:12,500 --> 00:32:15,500 they'd spot you as you came in; their computers would pick you up 588 00:32:15,500 --> 00:32:18,500 with face recognition and say "he's a card counter", 'cause they would have... 589 00:32:18,500 --> 00:32:20,500 As if they haven't got enough advantages. 590 00:32:20,500 --> 00:32:22,500 I know, that's the thing; they're just there to make money. 591 00:32:22,500 --> 00:32:25,500 And how do they spot that you're card counting? 592 00:32:25,500 --> 00:32:32,500 Unless you sit there and go, "A seven! Five! A jack! Bust!" 593 00:32:37,500 --> 00:32:39,500 And if you did do that, I'd imagine they'll go, 594 00:32:39,500 --> 00:32:41,500 "Excuse me sir, could you leave?" 595 00:32:42,500 --> 00:32:45,500 "I've got a picture one! I've got a picture one!" 596 00:32:47,500 --> 00:32:48,500 That's maybe the way you'd disguise it. 597 00:32:48,500 --> 00:32:53,500 Yes. Though, of course, what they do is, they do it in teams and they have very clever ways... 598 00:32:53,500 --> 00:32:57,500 You're doing that and the guy at the other end's counting the cards. It's the perfect... Yeah... 599 00:32:57,500 --> 00:33:00,500 Well, you're right, that was the system that Ben Campbell, the guy you interviewed... 600 00:33:00,500 --> 00:33:03,500 - Ben Campbell... Remember him? - Yes! 601 00:33:06,500 --> 00:33:11,500 That was his system, but oddly enough they tried to do it with roulette. How would you do it with roulette? 602 00:33:12,500 --> 00:33:15,200 - Count the spins. - Mmm, yeah... 603 00:33:15,200 --> 00:33:16,500 - You stop it. - Count the ball. 604 00:33:16,500 --> 00:33:22,500 Stop it, stop time... And then you only can move, everyone else is frozen in time, 605 00:33:22,500 --> 00:33:25,500 and then you get the ball and put it exactly where you want. 606 00:33:25,500 --> 00:33:28,500 And then go... "Everyone back in the room." 607 00:33:29,500 --> 00:33:32,500 Why not just help yourself to all the money in the place while you've stopped time? 608 00:33:33,500 --> 00:33:37,500 Because... Because... Because, when you... 609 00:33:37,500 --> 00:33:41,500 Eventually you'd have to start time and bring them back in and they'd know; they'd go, 610 00:33:41,500 --> 00:33:46,500 "Something's missing..." If you'd won, they'd go, "Wow! You've done it again!" 611 00:33:46,500 --> 00:33:47,500 I know how you win... 612 00:33:47,500 --> 00:33:50,500 And I'd feel my pants wrong... Felt a bit strange. 613 00:33:50,500 --> 00:33:51,500 Oh, oh, no... 614 00:33:51,500 --> 00:33:54,500 Well you would, wouldn't you? You'd take all the money and you'd fiddle with people. 615 00:33:57,500 --> 00:33:59,500 - Sean Lock!!! - You would!!! 616 00:34:03,500 --> 00:34:05,500 What you've got to watch out for... You've just gotta watch... 617 00:34:05,500 --> 00:34:09,500 You don't play one of the tables where the croupier, once he spins it, goes like this with his hand... 618 00:34:11,500 --> 00:34:12,500 Yes, that's it. 619 00:34:12,500 --> 00:34:15,500 They just go, "Place your bets", and then he goes... 620 00:34:16,500 --> 00:34:22,500 Only a few years ago, a group of people won 1.3 million at the Ritz casino, here in London, 621 00:34:22,500 --> 00:34:26,500 using a laser scanner inside a mobile phone linked to a computer that measured the speed 622 00:34:26,500 --> 00:34:28,500 of the roulette ball, as the croupier released it. 623 00:34:28,500 --> 00:34:32,500 And it would predict approximately where on the wheel the ball would land. 624 00:34:32,500 --> 00:34:35,500 And the Police where called. Decided that they hadn't broken the law, 625 00:34:35,500 --> 00:34:37,500 because they hadn't interfered with the spin, at all. 626 00:34:37,500 --> 00:34:39,500 - They used it for betting the last seconds? - Yep. 627 00:34:39,500 --> 00:34:41,500 - At the last second, they go... - Last possible, yeah! 628 00:34:42,500 --> 00:34:43,500 And that, obviously alerted the suspicion. 629 00:34:43,500 --> 00:34:45,500 - "They've must have been psychs..." - Jolly clever! 630 00:34:45,500 --> 00:34:47,500 - God, that must be fun, mustn't it? Yay! - Yeah! 631 00:34:47,500 --> 00:34:50,500 - Trying to keep cool. - Mind you, every time they use a scanner, it went... 632 00:34:56,500 --> 00:34:57,500 "Not now, I'm gambling..." 633 00:34:58,500 --> 00:35:01,500 It seems that the only honest way to win money from a casino 634 00:35:01,500 --> 00:35:05,500 is by playing blackjack extremely well and counting, but if you do that they'll probably kick you out. 635 00:35:05,500 --> 00:35:09,500 Now, I tell you all this but maybe I'm bluffing and how would you know if I was bluffing? 636 00:35:09,500 --> 00:35:11,500 While we're still with gambling games, how do you know when someone...? 637 00:35:11,500 --> 00:35:12,500 We know your tell. 638 00:35:12,500 --> 00:35:16,500 Ah, that's the word, isn't it? A "tell" is what they're called... 639 00:35:16,500 --> 00:35:17,500 Yeah, it's this. 640 00:35:20,500 --> 00:35:22,500 When you get the cards, you go, "Come on!" 641 00:35:22,500 --> 00:35:23,500 "Come on!" 642 00:35:23,500 --> 00:35:25,500 That, or just blinking a lot. 643 00:35:25,500 --> 00:35:27,500 Blinking a lot is said to be the one... 644 00:35:27,500 --> 00:35:30,500 "Speed boats! Fast cars! It's all gonna be mine!" 645 00:35:31,500 --> 00:35:36,500 Yes. Now if you were quite good at poker you might then reverse that, mind you, 646 00:35:36,500 --> 00:35:38,500 and if you got a really bad hand, do that. 647 00:35:38,500 --> 00:35:41,500 "Aww... Go on, I'll go in anyway, but what's the point..." 648 00:35:41,500 --> 00:35:43,500 - Yeah. - That's what I would do... 649 00:35:44,500 --> 00:35:47,500 Apparently, poker legend Amarillo Slim, once said to somebody, 650 00:35:47,500 --> 00:35:51,500 "If you could tell my poker hand from looking at me, I'll let you shit in this hat!" 651 00:35:51,500 --> 00:35:52,500 Which seems... 652 00:35:53,500 --> 00:35:54,500 Take it off his neighbour. 653 00:35:55,500 --> 00:36:00,500 "But why, that's a... Oooh! Hooray! Now I can shit in a hat. I've always wanted to do that..." 654 00:36:00,500 --> 00:36:01,500 Well, apparently, that's... 655 00:36:01,500 --> 00:36:03,500 - It's not what you'd call a price, is it? - No! 656 00:36:04,500 --> 00:36:06,500 - No, but it was his way... - I bet it sounded better in an Texan draw... 657 00:36:06,500 --> 00:36:08,500 It's his way of saying what poker's about... 658 00:36:08,500 --> 00:36:10,500 - Is that what that Meatloaf song's about? - It's not really about reading faces. 659 00:36:10,500 --> 00:36:13,500 Mind reading! If you could read people's minds, that would be good, wouldn't it? 660 00:36:13,500 --> 00:36:16,500 If you had a mind reading hat. That will come, eventually. 661 00:36:16,500 --> 00:36:18,500 - Would make poker pointless, wouldn't it? - Yeah. 662 00:36:18,500 --> 00:36:20,500 "This is... This game is stupid!" 663 00:36:21,500 --> 00:36:22,500 "Let's wrestle." 664 00:36:24,500 --> 00:36:25,500 - They can't ruin that! - Yeah! 665 00:36:25,500 --> 00:36:27,500 Well, great. I'm... 666 00:36:36,500 --> 00:36:39,500 But now we enter the end game, gentlemen, lady... 667 00:36:39,500 --> 00:36:44,500 With your chance to take a wild gamble on a few hands of General Ignorance. 668 00:36:44,500 --> 00:36:47,500 So, fingers on buzzers, what colour is this hound? 669 00:36:49,500 --> 00:36:50,500 - Yeah? - Blue. 670 00:36:50,500 --> 00:36:53,500 Oh, you're good! How did you know that? 671 00:36:53,500 --> 00:36:54,500 I'm mad for dogs. 672 00:36:54,500 --> 00:36:56,500 - Oh, you like dogs, don't you? - I'm absolutely mad for dogs. 673 00:36:56,500 --> 00:36:57,500 What's the name of the breed? 674 00:36:57,500 --> 00:37:00,500 It is a... Miniature... 675 00:37:00,500 --> 00:37:01,500 It's a greyhound. 676 00:37:01,500 --> 00:37:03,500 - Is it really? Just a greyhound? - It's a greyhound, 677 00:37:03,500 --> 00:37:04,500 but greyhounds are not grey. 678 00:37:05,500 --> 00:37:09,500 The word "grey" is actually from grig; it was a grighund and grig means "bitch"... 679 00:37:09,500 --> 00:37:11,500 - Oh, early English, yeah. - Yeah, early English. "Bitch". 680 00:37:11,500 --> 00:37:13,500 So it's a bitch hound, basically. 681 00:37:13,500 --> 00:37:16,500 And, as you say, they're called blue, that colour is called blue. There you are. 682 00:37:16,500 --> 00:37:18,500 What do we know about greyhound racing; 683 00:37:18,500 --> 00:37:20,500 is it flourishing at the moment or is it down in the doldrums? 684 00:37:20,500 --> 00:37:21,500 Dying out. 685 00:37:21,500 --> 00:37:25,500 Greyhound Racing U.K. tell us that it's the second most popular spectator sport 686 00:37:25,500 --> 00:37:29,500 in the country after football, two point five billion wagered every year... 687 00:37:29,500 --> 00:37:31,500 I think a lot of the greyhounds, though, they've gone off it; 688 00:37:31,500 --> 00:37:33,500 they're more interested in football. 689 00:37:34,500 --> 00:37:37,500 And how fast does the hare go around the little...? 690 00:37:37,500 --> 00:37:38,500 Forty miles an hour. 691 00:37:39,500 --> 00:37:41,500 - Up to a hundred! - Really? 692 00:37:41,500 --> 00:37:42,500 Yeah. How about that? 693 00:37:42,500 --> 00:37:47,500 Max speed's seventy, actually, with greyhounds, isn't it, between forty and seventy miles per hour. 694 00:37:47,500 --> 00:37:48,500 - The dogs themselves? - Yeah. 695 00:37:48,500 --> 00:37:51,500 Who would win out of a race between a cheetah and a greyhound? 696 00:37:51,500 --> 00:37:52,500 I would. 697 00:37:54,500 --> 00:37:55,500 Who would win? 698 00:37:56,500 --> 00:37:57,500 - Cheetah. - Cheetah. 699 00:37:57,500 --> 00:37:59,500 Well, the cheetah would just have lunch, wouldn't worry about it. 700 00:38:02,500 --> 00:38:03,500 Brilliant! 701 00:38:04,500 --> 00:38:07,500 Well, someone did try, actually, a man called Kenneth Gandar-Dower. 702 00:38:07,500 --> 00:38:10,500 And the trouble is that the cheetah just wasn't interested. 703 00:38:10,500 --> 00:38:12,500 It just sat down; it wouldn't race. 704 00:38:12,500 --> 00:38:14,500 Especially with his little monkey jockey. 705 00:38:15,500 --> 00:38:19,500 They're not used to rabbits, are they? They have to have something that the cheetah would like. 706 00:38:19,500 --> 00:38:22,500 They're not gonna think that a little bit of rag, racing around an electric system... 707 00:38:22,500 --> 00:38:24,500 - Funny you should say that! - Yeah? 708 00:38:24,500 --> 00:38:31,500 Because, I did this documentary about a place in Namibia, and it's a big cat reservation, 709 00:38:31,500 --> 00:38:35,500 and they had a baby cheetah that had been found by the roadside and brought to them. 710 00:38:36,500 --> 00:38:39,500 So, within an effort to try and return it to the wild, they set up a motor 711 00:38:39,500 --> 00:38:44,500 with a long bit of cord and pulleys, zig-zagged around this field, 712 00:38:44,500 --> 00:38:49,500 and attached a rag to it, and then, this thing would fly around, and this... 713 00:38:49,500 --> 00:38:51,500 - This cheetah... - Well, that's brilliant! 714 00:38:51,500 --> 00:38:53,500 ...would chase it. And they would try and get it to... 715 00:38:53,500 --> 00:38:56,500 Keep it, or, you know, its hunting instinct. 716 00:38:56,500 --> 00:38:58,500 Well, maybe then, they would go round 717 00:38:58,500 --> 00:39:00,500 - a greyhound track? - And they eventually feed them horse meat, 718 00:39:00,500 --> 00:39:05,500 and they where driving in a pick-up, doing about 30 miles an hour, and they're just... 719 00:39:05,500 --> 00:39:09,500 - Jogging along, next to you at 30. - Extraordinary, isn't it? 720 00:39:09,500 --> 00:39:10,500 - Really amazing animals. - Beautiful. 721 00:39:10,500 --> 00:39:13,500 And they only eat fresh meat. Leopards will eat rotten meat, maggot strewn stuff, 722 00:39:13,500 --> 00:39:15,500 they'd take it up a tree and leave it for days... 723 00:39:15,500 --> 00:39:17,500 - They do, that's exactly... - Cheetahs, has to be... 724 00:39:18,500 --> 00:39:20,500 - Dead-ish. - Or steamed fish... 725 00:39:20,500 --> 00:39:21,500 - Quite fussy, yeah. - Or steamed fish... 726 00:39:22,500 --> 00:39:23,500 They peel all their apples... 727 00:39:26,500 --> 00:39:29,500 And in one, if you haven't got a big curly bit, they won't eat the apple. 728 00:39:30,500 --> 00:39:33,500 And then, actually, they chuck it over the shelves. 729 00:39:33,500 --> 00:39:35,500 That's the bit they're interested in. That bouncy, curly bit, they go, 730 00:39:35,500 --> 00:39:37,500 "I'll eat the apple, but I want that." 731 00:39:37,500 --> 00:39:40,500 - They are, pretty much that fussy. - They are fussy animals. Indeed. 732 00:39:40,500 --> 00:39:44,500 Anyway, greyhounds are not grey and even the ones that are, are in fact blue. 733 00:39:44,500 --> 00:39:48,500 Now what should you do with mussels that don't open when you cook them? 734 00:39:48,500 --> 00:39:51,500 - Ooh, leave 'em well alone, really. - Yeah. 735 00:39:51,500 --> 00:39:53,500 - What should you do with them? - Don't eat them. 736 00:39:54,500 --> 00:39:55,500 Well... 737 00:39:55,500 --> 00:39:57,500 - Yeah, that's good advice. - No, it isn't. 734 00:39:57,500 --> 00:40:00,500 - No, it's terrible advice. - Clearly it's bad advice. 735 00:40:01,500 --> 00:40:04,500 At least you didn't say "throw them away", though, then you would have been forfeit. 736 00:40:04,500 --> 00:40:07,500 Er, no, it's odd, this is... A woman called Jane Grigson, 737 00:40:07,500 --> 00:40:10,500 and she wrote a very fine book on seafood, in which she said, 738 00:40:10,500 --> 00:40:12,500 "If they don't open then they're bad; throw them away." 739 00:40:12,500 --> 00:40:16,500 And... This was in the early seventies; by the nineties, 90% of all books said it. 740 00:40:16,500 --> 00:40:23,500 In fact, the Australian Seafood Commission say if anything, the reverse is true. That actually... 741 00:40:23,500 --> 00:40:26,500 One that doesn't open... It may be better for you, and certainly one that's open before you start cooking 742 00:40:26,500 --> 00:40:28,500 - you should throw away because that'll be dead. - Yeah. 743 00:40:29,500 --> 00:40:33,500 I love seafood. When I was in Barcelona, and I had some clams... 744 00:40:33,500 --> 00:40:37,500 And, my wife said, "Oh, they don't smell right..." 745 00:40:37,500 --> 00:40:40,500 I went, "They'll be fine.", ate it. And I know... 746 00:40:40,500 --> 00:40:43,500 It's not, really, a good story, I was gonna tell you that I was really ill. 747 00:40:43,500 --> 00:40:48,500 I was so ill, I was so sick, sickest I've ever been. I couldn't bend over a toilet, 748 00:40:48,500 --> 00:40:51,500 I had to stand in the shower, and go like that... 749 00:40:54,500 --> 00:40:55,500 It was horrendous! 750 00:40:56,500 --> 00:40:59,500 - Wow! - And... I've never been ill with them before, 751 00:40:59,500 --> 00:41:04,500 so in about two weeks later, I thought, "You know, get back on the horse!" 752 00:41:05,500 --> 00:41:07,500 I had some razor clams... 753 00:41:08,500 --> 00:41:12,500 And they're like, the delay was about an hour, and I was back up in the chair going... 754 00:41:14,500 --> 00:41:15,500 Wow! 755 00:41:15,500 --> 00:41:17,500 Now, I'm really frightened that I'll have an allergy for life. 756 00:41:17,500 --> 00:41:18,500 - Oh, that would be a shame. - Yeah! 757 00:41:18,500 --> 00:41:20,500 It is the most horrendous thing, food poisoning. 758 00:41:20,500 --> 00:41:24,500 But, the fact that your body just does this mass eject... 759 00:41:24,500 --> 00:41:25,500 - Yeah. - I think it's great! 780 00:41:25,500 --> 00:41:27,500 I don't wanna see it, thanks! 781 00:41:27,500 --> 00:41:28,500 But I think it's great. 782 00:41:28,500 --> 00:41:34,500 Well, it's fine to eat closed mussels; in fact, they're probably fresher than the open ones. 783 00:41:34,500 --> 00:41:37,500 What did gladiators say, incidentally, at the beginning of a tournament? 784 00:41:38,500 --> 00:41:40,500 "We who are about to die, salute you." 785 00:41:41,500 --> 00:41:42,500 Oh! 786 00:41:44,500 --> 00:41:45,500 Oh, dear. 787 00:41:45,500 --> 00:41:48,500 - Come on, that's what it's there for. - Yeah, you're right. 788 00:41:48,500 --> 00:41:49,500 "Not the face." 789 00:41:51,500 --> 00:41:54,500 "Not the face." Very good. No, they didn't say that... 790 00:41:54,500 --> 00:41:55,500 - "Are there any more lentils?" - "Are there any burgers?" 791 00:41:55,500 --> 00:41:58,500 - "I'd like a bean salad." - "I want a steak." 792 00:41:59,500 --> 00:42:04,500 There was a thought that is was "morituri te salutant mos" or whatever it would be in the Latin, 793 00:42:04,500 --> 00:42:08,500 and they said it to the Emperor Claudius, but they weren't actually gladiators; 794 00:42:08,500 --> 00:42:10,500 they were just prisoners who were going to be killed. 795 00:42:10,500 --> 00:42:13,500 No gladiator was ever recorded as saying it, that's the point, 796 00:42:14,500 --> 00:42:16,500 so there's no reason to believe it was ever said by a gladiator. 797 00:42:16,500 --> 00:42:20,500 I bet they say... I bet they say something like, "Come on, let's just all try and have a laugh." 798 00:42:21,500 --> 00:42:23,500 - "Go on". Absolutely. - Yeah! 799 00:42:23,500 --> 00:42:27,500 And so, once again, we find ourselves at the end of the game and it's fascinating, actually. 800 00:42:27,500 --> 00:42:30,500 Our winner, a clear winner with five points, 801 00:42:30,500 --> 00:42:31,500 is Liza Tarbuck! 802 00:42:39,500 --> 00:42:42,500 In second place, with two points, 803 00:42:42,500 --> 00:42:43,500 Phill Jupitus! 804 00:42:48,500 --> 00:42:51,500 In third place, Sean with minus seven. 805 00:42:57,500 --> 00:42:59,500 But yes... Minus seventeen, 806 00:42:59,500 --> 00:43:00,500 - Alan Davies! - Thank you! 807 00:43:06,500 --> 00:43:07,500 Well! 808 00:43:07,500 --> 00:43:11,500 That's it. Thanks to Phill, Sean, Liza, Alan, and me, 809 00:43:11,500 --> 00:43:16,500 and we'll leave you with this self-evident truth from James Hetfield out of off of Metallica, who said, 810 00:43:16,500 --> 00:43:19,500 "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye." 811 00:43:19,500 --> 00:43:21,500 "Then it's fun and games but you can't see any more." 812 00:43:22,500 --> 00:43:23,500 Thank you, and good night.