1 00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:27,120 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:38,480 Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-od evening, 3 00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:42,160 good evening, good evening and welcome to QI, 4 00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:45,800 where we're gallivanting round the globe with "G" for geography. 5 00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:50,880 And joining me from the four corners of the Earth are the king of the jungle, Jimmy Carr. 6 00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:54,280 CHEERING King of the jungle? Really? 7 00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:57,760 The queen of the desert, Jo Brand. 8 00:00:57,760 --> 00:00:59,520 CHEERING 9 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,960 The prince of Port Talbot, Rob Brydon. 10 00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,760 CHEERING 11 00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:13,840 And the man in the moon, Alan Davies. 12 00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:16,000 CHEERING 13 00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:25,120 With that in mind let's hear their global warnings. Jimmy goes: 14 00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:28,960 THUNDER ROLLS 15 00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:31,400 Rob goes... 16 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:33,640 FOGHORN BLOWS 17 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:36,440 Yes, you do. Jo goes... 18 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:39,080 AIR-RAID SIREN WAILS 19 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:42,200 And Alan goes... 20 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:45,720 'Forties, Cromarty, North Utsire, South Utsire, 21 00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:48,680 'Chingford, Loughton, Woodford Green. 22 00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:51,280 'Mainly poor, veering strangely. 23 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:54,440 'Minus 75, occasionally Rockall.' 24 00:01:56,440 --> 00:01:58,560 Quite. Now, tell me, 25 00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:04,000 what ruins over 300,000 British car journeys each year? 26 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,520 Radio One. 27 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:08,280 Very good. Very good. 28 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:12,440 300,000 British car journeys. Is it kids in the back going, 29 00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:16,800 "Are we nearly there yet?" And you go, "No, put the hood back on your head." 30 00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:19,120 KLAXON BLARES 31 00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:22,680 Oh, so soon! Oh, I'm sorry. 32 00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:26,960 You're barely warmed up. The satnav sending you down into a field. 33 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:31,320 Basically, you are right. 300, 000 insurance claims 34 00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:36,040 for serious road traffic incidents, or accidents, are put down to satnav these days. 35 00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:40,960 We were in the car. My girlfriend genuinely said, "Where would we be without satnav?" 36 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:44,200 Thanks for that, love. That's added value. That's very good. 37 00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:48,400 Well, there was a touring acting group whose pink Mercedes van... 38 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:52,480 They had to be rescued off the roof of it by helicopter because the satnav 39 00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:54,680 directed them down into a ford, a stream. 40 00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:57,080 Yeah, but how much of a div would you have to be 41 00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:59,680 to actually see it ahead of you and drive into it? 42 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:02,320 It might have been night. They were in the country. 43 00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:04,440 You go down a lane, it turns out to be... 44 00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:07,360 JO: It's quite good these days, cars have headlights. 45 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:09,760 It's a fair point. 46 00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:14,120 She's got a very persuasive voice. She has. I call her my "navigatrix". 47 00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:18,920 I've had an idea. I know this isn't Dragons Den, it's QI, 48 00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:21,080 but I've had an idea. You get satnav, 49 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:25,680 but you print it out into a booklet that you can just flick through. 50 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:28,120 ROB: What would you call it? Er... 51 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:32,080 Satlas. A satlas. A satlas. 52 00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:37,240 What I don't like about satnav is when it interrupts the radio. 53 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:41,480 You'll be listening to a very nice thing on the radio, maybe a play or something. 54 00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:46,320 The voice, of course, cuts over the radio always at a crucial moment. 55 00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:48,640 You'll be getting to the climax of the play. 56 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:52,120 "And I tell you, David, the reason that we never had children is..." 57 00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:54,120 "Turn left in 40 yards." 58 00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:57,520 You do a lot of voiceovers. Yes. 59 00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:00,200 Have you been asked to do one? You'd be very good. 60 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:03,160 If you did that voice of a little man trapped inside a box. 61 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:07,920 Yes! Do your man who's trapped in a box, or your American radio set that you've swallowed. 62 00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:09,040 Here we go. Ready? 63 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:12,240 FAINTLY: Where are you? I don't know where you are. 64 00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:15,800 Isn't that brilliant? 65 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:20,960 It's a small thing, Stephen. 66 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:24,160 People who do satnav voices... John Cleese does one. 67 00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:26,320 Does he? I thought that was an urban myth. 68 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:30,040 No, he does. You can record it onto your own satnav. You can do. 69 00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:31,920 I've done that on ours. Aww! 70 00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,000 I didn't tell my wife and then... 71 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:38,280 She went for a drive and it was me going, "Go left! Go left!" 72 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:43,000 "Come on! Right here!" 73 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:45,320 No wonder there's so many accidents! 74 00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:48,840 One of the favourite satnav voices is Nigella Lawson... 75 00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:52,120 Joanna Lumley. You'd THINK Joanna Lumley. The ones I have are 76 00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:54,880 Billy Connolly and Julie Walters. Billy Connolly?! 77 00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:57,080 He's done it? AS BILLY CONNOLLY: I know! 78 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:01,040 The least favourite... See if you can guess. 79 00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:03,080 Erm... JO: Brian Sewell. 80 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:07,240 Simon Cowell... JIMMY: Hitler? 81 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,960 I think he'd have kitsch value. Catherine Tate. 82 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:16,640 Are these impressions? Simon Cowell hasn't gone into a studio and recorded, surely? 83 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:20,120 All he does is "Left, right, straight on" and they fiddle with it. 84 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:21,640 Yup. You just do a few. 85 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:25,200 And Baroness Thatcher is the... But there's also a Julian... 86 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:28,080 Right, right, right! 87 00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:31,200 There's a Julian Clary pack, too, 88 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:38,000 apparently, which is advertised as "with free Dale Winton voice and alerts." 89 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:41,200 "You're passing a wooded area. 90 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:42,720 "Park the car." 91 00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:48,560 There have been disasters. Perhaps the most extreme 92 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:52,160 was a Syrian lorry transporting cars from Turkey to Gibraltar 93 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:55,600 who was diverted to the Grimsby area, 94 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:59,520 1,600 miles out of his way. 95 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:03,640 Because there is a Gibraltar Point off Lincolnshire, South Yorkshire. 96 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:08,240 So he just blindly... Not blindly, but he...he followed it 97 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:12,160 and was seen trying to drive into the North Sea, that's when he was stopped. 98 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:15,720 A lot of villages' lives are ruined by being cut-throughs. 99 00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:20,640 Friends of mine back in Wales, quite a few of them have got a Welsh... 100 00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:24,880 It's not a famous voice, but it's a Welsh satnav, which goes... In Welsh? 101 00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:31,200 No, no, no, just a Welsh attitude, Welsh approach to life, or death. 102 00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:35,920 WELSH ACCENT: "Turning coming up now in about 40 yards. Get ready for it. 103 00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:39,000 "Getting a bit closer now. Get ready, here it comes. 104 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:41,960 "Oh, you plank, you've missed it! 105 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:45,200 "Right. Do a U-ee. Do a U-ee. 106 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:46,840 "Do it, don't... Oh! 107 00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:50,840 "Pull over, attach a hosepipe to the exhaust and just end it all." 108 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:55,240 That's a very popular one. Is it? 109 00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:59,680 Well, apparently, driver distraction contributes to a quarter of all accidents, 110 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:03,560 according to RoSPA, the Royal Society For The Prevention Of Accidents. 111 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:07,920 And using a handheld mobile or a satnav is about equal, apparently. 112 00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:13,120 So while we're on the subject of directions, who is to the right of Genghis Khan? 113 00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:14,880 THUNDER ROLLS 114 00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:17,480 Yea? That's quite frightening. 115 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:20,320 Every taxi driver I've ever met? 116 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:24,080 Was it a dinner party? Girl, boy, girl, boy, Mrs Khan. 117 00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:25,640 Mrs Khan. 118 00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:27,880 Well, there are 500 Mrs Khans. 500?! 119 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:30,960 He married 500 times. That's a sitcom waiting to be made! 120 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:35,440 He had so many children that actually, they recently did a test 121 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:40,720 of Central Asian males and they found that 8% of all Central Asian males 122 00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:44,320 are related to a common ancestor about 1,000 years ago, 123 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:46,480 which may well be Genghis Khan. 124 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:50,400 Do you think in 1,000 years, they'll talk the same way about Russell Brand? 125 00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:52,440 It's highly possible. 126 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:54,440 JO: I quite fancy being one of 500. 127 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:58,040 At least you'd only have to have sex with him every year and a half. 128 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:03,160 That's true, but he might well have chopped your head off afterwards. 129 00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:05,000 He was rather violent, as you know. 130 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:08,440 And in death he was violent too, in a weird kind of way. 131 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:11,800 What we're talking about, I literally mean who's on the right... 132 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:14,080 Oh, you mean buried alongside him? Yes. 133 00:08:14,080 --> 00:08:17,480 Is he buried with relatives or with victims, or plunder? 134 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,760 Well, the thing is in Mongolian tradition, when a great ruler, 135 00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:23,880 and there was no ruler as great as Genghis Khan, obviously. 136 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:26,960 He had to be anonymous. No-one could know. 137 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,320 It gave them a problem. According to Marco Polo, 138 00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:34,200 20,000 people were killed to keep his burial place secret. 139 00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:38,360 All the slaves who excavated the grave were killed by soldiers 140 00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:41,760 and then all the soldiers who killed the slaves were... 141 00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:43,440 That's how bad it was. 142 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:48,200 Until they realised they were in danger of killing everybody who knew where the grave was. 143 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:51,000 So what they did... This is really peculiar. 144 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:54,760 They realised... Camels have got long memories, OK? 145 00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:56,760 This is really unpleasant. 146 00:08:56,760 --> 00:09:00,800 A suckling baby camel, they killed in front of its mother 147 00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:04,840 by the grave where they were going to bury Genghis Khan, right? 148 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:06,960 And then they took the mother away. 149 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:11,280 And they buried the baby camel next to Genghis Khan. 150 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,800 So that's who's to the right of Genghis Khan. 151 00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:16,400 And every year... JIMMY: I was gonna guess that! 152 00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:20,120 Every year, the camel would remember exactly where the grave was, 153 00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:24,880 because it knew exactly where its little baby was! It's very sad. 154 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:26,840 JIMMY: That's a lovely story. Yeah! 155 00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:30,640 But then the camel died... I might tell my daughters that tonight. 156 00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:33,080 Get them off to sleep. Eh, girls, 157 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:35,480 I've got a lovely story about a camel. 158 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:37,600 JIMMY: Then the camel died, right? 159 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:41,960 Then no-one knew where he was buried. So that was unfortunate. Tell me about Mongols. 160 00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,640 Mongol hordes. Mongol hordes, yeah. 161 00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:47,720 Two million people, the Mongol hordes amounted to, 162 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:51,760 but they managed to kill an estimated 50 million of their enemy. 163 00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:56,320 Staggeringly savage. And what gave them the advantage, principally? 164 00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:58,800 They had lasers. 165 00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:00,400 They did have weapons... 166 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,360 Proton torpedoes. 167 00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:05,480 They had weapons that were ahead of the time. They did. 168 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:08,360 They had short bows. They weren't huge longbows. 169 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:11,680 They carried them in the saddle, because it was the riding, 170 00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:15,040 it was horses... They were bloody good at riding, weren't they? 171 00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:17,440 They'd ride for days. They used to jump across. 172 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:19,960 That's right. They wouldn't even go to the loo. 173 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:24,320 They would go to the loo while jumping from one horse to the other. 174 00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:25,800 What, in the air, or...? 175 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:29,160 If you mistimed that, that's bad luck on the horses. 176 00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:33,160 Would you not love to see that? I'm sorry, I've shat on this one. 177 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:38,440 Jumping from horse to horse and doing a little wee, that's a magnificent thing. 178 00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:43,920 But, yeah, it was their horsemanship and their bows and arrows that did it and just their violence. 179 00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:46,720 Their desire and happiness at killing people. 180 00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:50,600 But they were a great big empire. And they're not so angry any more. 181 00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:53,160 Mongols? No, they seem rather cheerful. 182 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:56,640 They don't have a reputation now, do they, for horde-ing and... No! 183 00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:58,840 Lovely people. Very charming, very nice. 184 00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:02,520 They don't hoard any more. They've got Cash In The Attic. It's all gone. 185 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:07,360 They're very fine. But, anyway, Genghis Khan is buried next to a baby camel, 186 00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:12,360 which acted like a 13th century satnav, guiding people back to his tomb. 187 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:18,400 Now, how did the teacup change the course of Chinese history? 188 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:23,080 Did they used to have tea just in their hands, like that, or...? 189 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:26,760 No. They invented it... You might almost say... Aagh! Aagh! Aagh! 190 00:11:29,680 --> 00:11:32,560 "We're going to have to invent something for this!" 191 00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:35,760 They invented it so early that it was a disadvantage. 192 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:38,080 It held back the course of Chinese history. 193 00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:42,880 Oh, when they were building the Great Wall, was everyone going, "Right, cuppa?" "Yeah..." 194 00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:47,840 They had to make 5,000 cups of tea and then, "Well, the day's over. We've got nothing done!" 195 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:50,200 Unlike the Europeans... Is it because... 196 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:53,600 Now, is it something to do with metal and ceramics? 197 00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:58,600 Or is it because they invented it and so didn't invent other things that would have come before it? 198 00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:03,640 In our culture, we came to china much later, which we got from them, hence calling it "china". 199 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,400 But we had bronze and things. 200 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:08,800 We also liked wine, which they never drank in China. And wine, 201 00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:10,680 the colour is very beautiful, 202 00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:14,280 and we developed a technology for containing wine. Glass. Glass. 203 00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:18,960 With glass came lens grinding, came telescopes and microscopes. 204 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:23,440 And through spectacles, intellectuals and scientists 205 00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:27,520 had an extra 15 to 20 years of reading and active life 206 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:31,720 and, further, all the way through 207 00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:35,720 to the invention of medical science, flasks, beakers, retorts. 208 00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:37,600 Glass is chemically neutral. 209 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:40,000 Doesn't react to anything that's in it. 210 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:44,040 And the Chinese had no glass made in all of China 211 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:46,760 from the 14th century right up to the 19th century. 212 00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:50,040 ALAN: And no mirrors either. And therefore no mirrors. 213 00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:54,480 So, in fact, just because they were satisfied with the teacup and didn't bother... 214 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:59,000 this incredibly ingenious race who'd otherwise have invented so many other things, 215 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,160 and did invent so many other things... 216 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:02,840 The one thing they couldn't do. 217 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:06,440 And electronics used glass for valves and so on. 218 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:09,560 The irony is, a lot of them prefer coffee. 219 00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:11,240 Go figure! 220 00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:13,920 What did they do for windows? They used paper. 221 00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:16,560 Ha! 222 00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:19,280 Paper's rubbish for a window! 223 00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:23,480 It gets wet and you can't see through it. 224 00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:27,640 And they had dark houses. That's another thing. Dark houses! 225 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:30,920 They didn't have light bulbs either. These people are useless! 226 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:35,240 What about lanterns? Turn the lantern up in the dark. They had lanterns like that. 227 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:38,000 Paper lanterns. That's the worst invention yet. 228 00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:41,760 They could always let off a few indoor fireworks, couldn't they? 229 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:43,280 They had fireworks, yeah. 230 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:49,080 But they, obviously, invented the plastic tub for keeping rice in... 231 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:53,840 centuries ago, and those tinfoil ones with the cardboard lid. Yes. 232 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:55,960 So they were way ahead in some areas. 233 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:59,200 They clearly were. Anyway, there you are. 234 00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:02,960 The course of Chinese history changed by their preference for tea, 235 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,840 which meant they never bothered to develop glass. 236 00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:08,960 Where would you find the world's driest lake, 237 00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:13,640 the world's smallest mountain range and the world's wettest desert? 238 00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:15,360 Are they all in the same place? 239 00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:18,920 They are in the same... ROB: We're looking at America. 240 00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:21,760 We are in America. You can tell. It's a giveaway. 241 00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:26,520 We're in the mid-west of America. We are in... 242 00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:29,080 Start on the left of our triptych. Where's that? 243 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:32,040 That's Salt Lake Flats or apartments. 244 00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:35,160 It is. It's the biggest and driest lake in the world 245 00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:40,560 and it is a salt lake and it's so flat that it's very useful, so useful that it's... 246 00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:44,200 The land-speed record. Anthony Hopkins, world's fastest Indian. 247 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:48,120 AS HOPKINS: "I want to break the record. I'll do it in this car. Here I go. 248 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:51,360 "I'm playing a New Zealander. Sometimes my accent will be that 249 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:55,720 "and other times it will be something else. It doesn't matter! I'm Anthony Hopkins!" 250 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:04,480 Now what if he was trapped in a box? 251 00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:07,680 FAINTLY: I'm Anthony Hopkins. I'm trapped in a box. 252 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:13,800 Oh, you are wonderful! 253 00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:18,200 I'd choose you as a companion for a walking tour or to be trapped in a lift with any day. 254 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:21,480 But, yes, you're right. And the name of that particular name 255 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:23,880 was given to a famous Triumph motorbicycle. 256 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:26,040 Does that help you give its name? Oh... 257 00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:29,080 Bonneville. It's the Bonneville, yes. Bonneville Lake. 258 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:32,760 And it's so flat you can see the curvature of the Earth on it. Wow! 259 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:37,000 So not flat then? Curved. 260 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:38,920 Literally curved. 261 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:41,400 So, yes, the salt flat is the driest lake. 262 00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:44,640 Why do they call it a lake? Cos it's not. It's a dried-up lake. 263 00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:48,480 Its shape and all its features are dominated by its ex-lakeness. 264 00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:51,040 Except for the water. Except for the water, yeah. 265 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:57,200 The Mediterranean was once the biggest dry lake in the world, in the Late Miocene era. 266 00:15:57,200 --> 00:16:01,400 The water came in over the Straits of Gibraltar. Yeah! Six million years ago. 267 00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:03,600 I saw that in the Plymouth aquarium. 268 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:09,680 That must have been fabulous for all the towns all around Spain and Portugal that rely on tourism. 269 00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:11,400 It must have been a hell of a year. 270 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:15,200 It just kind of came in and they went, "This is fantastic. 271 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:19,320 "Finally, these jet-skis will get an outing." It's true. 272 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:24,200 Anyway, the Rock of Gibraltar, which joined North Africa to Spain crumbled away 273 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:29,960 and the water from the Atlantic flooded in and there you were, there was the Mediterranean Sea. 274 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:36,480 And all the fish in the Mediterranean are descended from Atlantic types. 275 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:40,560 You mentioned the Rock of Gibraltar. People think of monkeys. They do. 276 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:43,520 JIMMY: Excellent point. Yes. Yeah. Is that it? 277 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:51,000 No. No? No. Right. What else do we know about Barbary apes? Nothing. 278 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:55,880 Oh, OK. It was it. 279 00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:58,760 Barbary monkeys, which are miscalled Barbary apes... 280 00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:03,160 they are actually monkeys... you were quite right to call them monkeys. Thank you. 281 00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:07,440 Smallest mountain range was the mid-most of our triptych. Where's that? 282 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:08,960 That's not far away. 283 00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:13,200 Isn't that a hill? Incidentally, Bonneville was in which state? Utah. 284 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:17,240 Utah is exactly right, yes. And we're moving a little further. 285 00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:20,280 What's the capital of California? 286 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:22,560 Yeah! State capital of California? 287 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:26,600 Oh! I know what it is. It's where the university is, isn't it? 288 00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:29,480 Isn't it where he goes in The Graduate, in the car? 289 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:32,280 Dustin Hoffman drives to see Elaine. Sacramento. 290 00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:34,680 "Elaine! Elaine! Elaine!" 291 00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:37,000 I'm doing Dustin Hoffman. "Elaine!" 292 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:41,160 AS HOFFMAN: "Oh, Gawd. Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs Robinson?" 293 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:44,400 Sorry, Stephen. Has he had a stroke? 294 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:48,800 So the smallest mountain range. The smallest range. 295 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:53,800 The Hoffman Mountains. Yes, Sacramento is the state capital of California. 296 00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:56,200 How is that not a hill? What defines a mountain? 297 00:17:56,200 --> 00:18:01,360 That's a good question. In the US, anything that rises 1,000ft from base to apex is a mountain. 298 00:18:01,360 --> 00:18:05,120 In the UK, the official definition is 600m above sea level. 299 00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:06,840 A little less than 2,000ft. 300 00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:10,680 In this mountain range, they're 2,117ft. 301 00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:13,600 It's only 10 miles in diameter, the whole range. 302 00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:18,320 One thinks of the wonderful British film starring that great British actor Hugh Grant... 303 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:22,440 The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill But Came Down A Mountain. 304 00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:25,840 Oh, yes. That's right. Thank you. And, so... 305 00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:30,560 Hang on a second, Stephen. I was thinking, do you do Hugh Grant? 306 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:35,040 AS HUGH GRANT: Gosh, so I went up a hill and, er, sort of came down a bloody mountain. 307 00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:38,760 I had a feeling we might be going there. Very good. 308 00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:42,000 Excellent. And moving on, the wettest desert? 309 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:45,800 The wettest... The North Sea. 310 00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:48,640 You see, you have to stick to the definition of desert. 311 00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:51,720 Still in America? Yes. What's the definition of a desert? 312 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,880 A desert is a place... Where there's virtually no rainfall. 313 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:59,720 Is that right? Well, there's quite a lot of rainfall here, but there's a moisture deficit. 314 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,800 It loses more moisture than it... 315 00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:03,920 It's kind of got a holey floor? 316 00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:05,920 Yeah. 317 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:09,800 It qualifies. It's the Sonoran Desert... 318 00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:11,800 Oh(!) In California. 319 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:14,280 Oh. 320 00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:17,320 The western states of the USA have many unusual features, 321 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:22,280 including the driest lake, the smallest mountain range and the wettest desert in the world. 322 00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:26,920 Now in 1851, James Wyld installed a 60ft high scale model of the Earth 323 00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:30,320 in the middle of London, including all the land masses 324 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:35,080 and the seas and the mountains built to scale. 325 00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:40,480 What was the best direction to see it from? What about from inside? 326 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:44,800 Yes, is the right answer. Yes! It was a perfect representation... 327 00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:47,320 APPLAUSE 328 00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:52,880 It was one of the wonders of the age. 329 00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:57,640 It was there in Leicester Square between 1851 and 1862. 330 00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:03,200 A visitor said, "I never met with anyone who wasn't delighted with it or didn't find it most instructive." 331 00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:06,080 I don't know if you can see the details there. Top left, 332 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:09,120 you can probably see Scandinavia and Britain, 333 00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:13,160 just at the very top left, sort of between ten and 11 o'clock. Oh yeah. 334 00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:17,880 Yeah? What's fascinating about it, is that you're obviously inside it, 335 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:20,040 so it's an inverse of how the world is. 336 00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:25,840 And yet, one of the odd things about the way maps and projections are... 337 00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:30,000 A globe is an accurate representation of what we think the world is. It's round. 338 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:34,400 But that one, being inside it, is exactly the same. 339 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:38,600 In other words, if you were to take a piece of paper and you were to draw the world 340 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:41,160 and do this and look at the paper on a cylinder, 341 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:44,000 you'd say, "OK, right, that's kind of like how it is." 342 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,840 It would look identical if you took the same paper and looked at it 343 00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:50,240 when it was concave rather than convex. 344 00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:52,280 JO: So what happened to it then? 345 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:55,120 Well, sadly, it came down after 12 years. 346 00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:59,200 The lease on the ground expired. Whoever owned Leicester Square. 347 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:04,240 How absolutely pedestrian. The lease on the ground on which it stood. 348 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:06,000 So high rents in the West End... 349 00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,320 It's a brilliant thing to build again. 350 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:11,280 Wouldn't it be wonderful? It was very successful. 351 00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:16,000 It was there to coincidence with the Great Exhibition in Hyde Park, 352 00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:18,560 but it gave everybody joy and pleasure. 353 00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:22,480 As in all those drawings, there's someone pointing like that. 354 00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:27,040 And top hats. All wear top hats to go inside the Earth. Wouldn't that be wonderful? 355 00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:29,680 Anyway, there it was. A man called Wyld. 356 00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:32,240 His great globe in Leicester Square. 357 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:33,880 And it was an enormous triumph. 358 00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:36,520 Scale model of the world viewed from the inside. 359 00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:41,120 Let's try something simpler. Where did the Arctic Highlanders get their cutlery from? 360 00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:44,800 Sheffield, that's where you get your cutlery from. Ah, Sheffield! 361 00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:47,240 KLAXON BLARES 362 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:52,720 ROB: Ah, from Nordic... JO: IKEA. 363 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:56,000 KLAXON BLARES 364 00:21:57,080 --> 00:21:59,520 JIMMY: When you say, what was it, northern...? 365 00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:01,080 Well, that's the clue. 366 00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:06,600 Arctic Highlanders was the... Do you mean Eskimos? We now call them Inuit. 367 00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:08,720 Polar Eskimos, yeah. 368 00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:11,800 A man called Ross, after which the Ross Sea is named, 369 00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:16,280 he was the first European to encounter this tribe of Inuits. 370 00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:19,560 200 of them, he met. It was an extraordinary meeting. 371 00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:23,400 They thought they were the only people on the planet. 372 00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:26,760 They didn't know there were any other people in the world. 373 00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:29,320 It's very much like that in Essex. 374 00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:31,360 It's rather touching, isn't it? 375 00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:35,400 They'd never seen anyone else, but they had cutlery. 376 00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:36,600 Metal cutlery? 377 00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:40,440 ROB: Where did it come from? Where did it come from? Aliens. 378 00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:42,000 Aliens is not a bad answer. 379 00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,600 Was it one of the guys that went to the North Pole 380 00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:46,800 and left a bunch of stuff and they found... 381 00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:51,080 No, no. This man Ross was the first European ever to go up close to the North Pole. 382 00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:53,120 I'm talking a long time ago. 383 00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:58,120 Look, see. I'm talking 1818, before anyone had been to the North Pole. 384 00:22:58,120 --> 00:22:59,680 And they had proper knives? 385 00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:04,960 They were a mixture of bone and metal. Was it mail order? 386 00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:07,600 Did they find them? Did they excavate them? 387 00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:10,160 They didn't have the technology to smelt metal, 388 00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:12,960 they had no knowledge about iron ore or anything. 389 00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:16,040 They thought they were the only people? The only people. 390 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:17,840 It's a puzzle. They had cutlery. 391 00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:22,520 It wasn't from a box from Sheffield that sort of got washed ashore. 392 00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:24,880 Not an abandoned Ford Escort? No. 393 00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:27,600 It was still 1818. It was just... 394 00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:31,880 Is it because the North Pole is magnetic and... 395 00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:36,760 And all the cutlery naturally... LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 396 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:41,160 You know when you lose a screw, that's where it ends up. 397 00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:45,400 Drifting shipwrecks? No. You were closest with aliens. 398 00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:47,920 Was it meteorites? Meteorites! 399 00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:52,440 Jo Brand, points there! Hey, that's two I've got right. 400 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:58,600 Three meteorites. They look like a woman sewing her tent and a dog to them. 401 00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:02,640 That's what they called them. They took flakes from the one called the woman, 402 00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:04,480 metal flakes, and attached bits of horn 403 00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:08,160 and used them as eating implements, as cutlery. 404 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:12,000 70 years later, who was the first man to get to the North Pole, supposedly? 405 00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:15,280 Was it Michael Palin? It wasn't Michael Palin, no. 406 00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:19,840 Ranulph Fiennes? I'd have preferred it if it was Ralph Fiennes. 407 00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:23,000 1880. 1880? Queen Victoria. 408 00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:26,360 It was a man called Admiral Peary, an American. 409 00:24:26,360 --> 00:24:32,000 Oh, Peary. I've heard of him. Yes, Peary. There he was. He was a yeti. 410 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:36,240 He was a pretty horrific figure, actually. I mean, he went to these same people 411 00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:40,640 and stole their meteorites, basically, which they'd been taking their cutlery off 412 00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:43,880 and sold them to a museum for 40,000. 413 00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:46,440 He took some children, didn't he? Took children. 414 00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:49,720 They took six, of whom four died of TB instantly. 415 00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:53,160 One of them survived and was brought up by an American couple, 416 00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:56,560 and was then horrified to discover his parents, his father, 417 00:24:56,560 --> 00:25:00,600 as a skeleton in the National History Museum in New York, on display. 418 00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:04,200 And complained and Peary refused to do anything about it, 419 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:07,280 but reluctantly gave him enough money to carry home. 420 00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:11,080 It wasn't till 1993 that their remains were sent back to their homeland. 421 00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:14,360 That's horrific! It's grim. Did he know he'd see his father, 422 00:25:14,360 --> 00:25:18,040 or was he just wandering round the museum and went, "I know him!" 423 00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:22,480 That's awful. It is. It's a horrible episode in the exploitation of a native people. 424 00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:27,040 All of these things were done in the name of science, but also entertainment. 425 00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:30,680 And for Peary, riches and ambition. He was psychotically ambitious. 426 00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:33,640 Now people believe he didn't even get to the North Pole. 427 00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:38,680 The story he tells, he went at a speed that no-one has ever gone on Arctic exploration. 428 00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:42,720 That's what I look like before I've done my bikini line. 429 00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:49,040 It's a great look. 430 00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:50,920 It's a lovely look. 431 00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:54,440 That beard's gone a bit mental as well, hasn't it? It's brilliant. 432 00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:56,000 It is. 433 00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:59,640 Polar Eskimos made metal knives by chopping flakes off meteorites 434 00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:03,080 they called the tent, the dog and the woman. Now a watery riddle. 435 00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:08,600 What are large, very large, blue, rare, 436 00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:11,960 slow-moving, have calves, right, suffer from wet bottoms... 437 00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:16,000 Oh, look at Alan's face! ..and are found all over the world? 438 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:20,000 Not the blue whale. You are right! 439 00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:22,680 You weren't falling for that one. 440 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:29,040 What were the things? Large, blue... 441 00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:31,520 Large, blue, found all over the world, 442 00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:35,240 rare, have calves. Wet bottoms. Slow-moving. Wet bottoms. 443 00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:38,000 You've lost me. I thought a Smurf with an aneurism. 444 00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:41,880 That would be blue whales if it weren't for the slow-moving. 445 00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:44,720 Blue whales are pretty quick. They can go up to 30mph. 446 00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:47,240 I'm just going by the picture, but clouds. No. 447 00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:50,040 They're not blue, to be honest. They're not blue? 448 00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:54,400 The bits in between are. That's sky, isn't it? That's not clouds. I knew that. 449 00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:57,080 We have thought this through. Is it a creature? 450 00:26:57,080 --> 00:27:00,480 No, it's a phenomenon-non-non. It's not to do with ice, is it? 451 00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:03,600 It is so to do with ice, it hurts. Is it a type of iceberg? 452 00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:07,680 Not an iceberg though, no. No, that's right. Um... 453 00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:12,440 Correct. Is this an ice floe, even though I don't know what that is? 454 00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:15,920 Yes. You do know what an ice floe is. Is it a big lump? A glacier. 455 00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:17,400 A glacier is an ice floe. 456 00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:21,560 You can share the points. Is it a glacier? Yes. Oh, my God! 457 00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:23,280 APPLAUSE 458 00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:25,440 There we are. 459 00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:28,960 I'm doing my bit to save those. I've stopped eating the sweets. 460 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:30,680 Very good. They can be enormous. 461 00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:34,840 There's one 250 miles long, 60 miles wide, a mile deep. 462 00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:38,320 I mean, they're vast. Calves. How do they have calves? 463 00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:40,440 The bits that break off are "calves". 464 00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:43,720 It's called calving when they drop... That was a red herring. 465 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:49,720 We automatically thought either something with huge calves, or baby calves. 466 00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:53,880 Yes. And the wet bottoms. Ah, don't get me started. 467 00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:55,640 That's when, in warmer climes, 468 00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:58,680 there are some which are almost not freezing. 469 00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:04,480 They're nearing zero degrees centigrade and they slide down, and their bottoms are warmer. 470 00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:08,640 The underside, the bits on the earth, is warmer and slides down. 471 00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:12,480 And they go... What's the fastest you imagine a glacier is likely to go? 472 00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:16,120 40. 40 what? 40 in a 30. 473 00:28:16,880 --> 00:28:20,440 They might go a couple of inches or something in a year. 474 00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:23,640 Well... I would say more than that. ALAN: Ten feet. 475 00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:27,200 65ft a day is considered very rapid. But there was one... 476 00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:29,200 Two inches is a bit off then. 477 00:28:29,200 --> 00:28:32,080 ..in Pakistan that went 7.5 miles in three months. 478 00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:35,200 There must be another word for a glacier there then. 479 00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:36,960 A racier glacier, if you like. 480 00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:43,160 Amazingly, you get them all round the world, including the Tropics. 481 00:28:43,160 --> 00:28:46,760 Really? Tropical glaciers, hello? Bit odd. But they do. 482 00:28:46,760 --> 00:28:49,480 They're the fruit-flavoured ones, aren't they? 483 00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:57,240 There's one on the border of Uganda and Congo. It's equatorial. High up? Yes, pretty high. 484 00:28:57,240 --> 00:28:59,440 Do you find life in glaciers? 485 00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:03,080 Yes, oh, yes. What kind? Smurfs. 486 00:29:03,080 --> 00:29:08,360 You would find plankton underneath the glacier, 487 00:29:08,360 --> 00:29:12,560 perhaps trying to permeate the membrane of the glacier... 488 00:29:12,560 --> 00:29:17,680 There's red algae, and there's a creature that lives on the red algae, a kind of worm. 489 00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:20,400 A wiggly worm? An ice worm. A wiggly ice worm. 490 00:29:20,400 --> 00:29:22,040 It's a sort of annelid worm. 491 00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:24,240 There's one. Lovely picture. Oh, yeah. 492 00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:26,400 ALAN: What a life! It's an amazing life. 493 00:29:26,400 --> 00:29:29,640 But in one glacier they found more of those worms than there are 494 00:29:29,640 --> 00:29:32,920 humans on the surface of the planet. Oh, Good Lord! Really? 495 00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:36,960 Wow! After they'd found a billion, they just kept on looking. Yeah! 496 00:29:36,960 --> 00:29:39,520 "There's another one! And another one! 497 00:29:39,520 --> 00:29:42,960 "There's another one." Their ideal temperature's about zero. 498 00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:47,880 They freeze to death at minus seven and above five, they melt. 499 00:29:47,880 --> 00:29:51,720 They are quite like an ice cream in that regard. 500 00:29:51,720 --> 00:29:54,360 Is that not delicious? Yeah! 501 00:29:54,360 --> 00:29:55,320 Anyway, yeah. 502 00:29:55,320 --> 00:29:59,720 Now... Incidentally, why are there no snakes in Ireland? Sorry? 503 00:29:59,720 --> 00:30:04,440 Why are there no snakes in Ireland? Oh, I know this. Because... Ah! 504 00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:09,680 There's a reason that's related to the question I've been asking. Something to do with the Ice Age. 505 00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:12,840 Yeah, there were 20 periods of glaciation in Ireland. 506 00:30:12,840 --> 00:30:16,440 It was just coming and they were withdrawing, coming, withdrawing... 507 00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:18,400 So there's no... Snakes. LAUGHTER 508 00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:21,520 You realise what you've just said? Yes. 509 00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:25,520 You really can't help it, can you? I just am sorry, but... 510 00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:29,400 JO: Is that why they're all Catholic in Ireland? 511 00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:32,680 Snakes can't survive in frozen ground. 512 00:30:32,680 --> 00:30:37,520 Glaciers are found all over the world and they're large, blue and they have calves. 513 00:30:37,520 --> 00:30:40,320 But, unlike the surprisingly nippy blue whale, 514 00:30:40,320 --> 00:30:43,840 they can't manage much more than about 60ft a day at top speed. 515 00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:48,640 Now, the USA claims the legal right to seize territory 516 00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:51,560 wherever it might find what? 517 00:30:51,560 --> 00:30:53,480 Oil. THUNDER ROLLS 518 00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:55,840 KLAXON BLARES Oh! 519 00:30:58,200 --> 00:31:00,520 Is it a street without a Starbucks? 520 00:31:01,920 --> 00:31:04,120 Would it be... 521 00:31:04,120 --> 00:31:08,200 What is it, an American hostage or prisoner or something? 522 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:13,680 No, it's essentially a law which has never been repealed, a law that's 150 years old, almost. 523 00:31:13,680 --> 00:31:15,680 It is the Ark of the Covenant? No, no. 524 00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:20,000 Is this involved in any sort of action film that I will have seen? 525 00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:23,520 No, though it is involved in the plot of Dr No. 526 00:31:23,520 --> 00:31:26,000 It's how Dr No dies in the novel actually. 527 00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:29,680 He's covered in this, that if it's found on an island that's unclaimed, 528 00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:31,960 any American can raise a flag and claim it. 529 00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:37,000 Gold. It's a kind of gold. It was as valuable almost as gold in the 19th century. 530 00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:39,280 Silver. Er, no. 531 00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:41,920 Nickel. No, it's not a metal. 532 00:31:41,920 --> 00:31:44,280 ROB: Tupperware. Platinum. It's not a metal. 533 00:31:44,280 --> 00:31:47,440 Not plastic. Christ... All right. 534 00:31:47,440 --> 00:31:49,840 Diamond! Does anyone in the audience know? 535 00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:52,760 WOMAN: Guano! Guano they shout, and they are right. 536 00:31:52,760 --> 00:31:55,240 Points to the audience... Guano? Guano. 537 00:31:55,240 --> 00:31:58,160 Is that a delicious drink that didn't really take off? 538 00:31:58,160 --> 00:32:00,800 No. What's guano? Bird shit, isn't it? Yes. 539 00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:05,600 It's the poo from birds... Do I get a point? ..that have eaten a lot of anchovies in Peru. 540 00:32:05,600 --> 00:32:09,240 What?! Have you gone out of your mind, man? 541 00:32:09,240 --> 00:32:13,040 It was one of the most valuable products in the 19th century. 542 00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:17,600 It was a fertiliser that is unbelievably rich in nitrates and potassium 543 00:32:17,600 --> 00:32:20,640 and all the things that you need to double, treble, 544 00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:24,880 quadruple, quintuple the yields from land. It was immensely valuable. 545 00:32:24,880 --> 00:32:31,000 It created many, many millionaires and was responsible for 75% of Peru's entire economy. 546 00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:35,240 And it was a pretty horrific thing, as you can imagine, to mine, to excavate. 547 00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:39,040 Open-cast mining. Cos it dries like concrete. Really, really tough. 548 00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:43,000 So they used to use pickaxe and dynamite to get it away. 549 00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:45,760 And they had huge armies of, essentially, slaves, 550 00:32:45,760 --> 00:32:49,120 and Chinese and convicts, who'd be hacking away at this stuff. 551 00:32:49,120 --> 00:32:51,640 Do we still use it now? That's interesting. 552 00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:56,520 I mean, the anchovy shoals are being used now principally for... 553 00:32:56,520 --> 00:33:01,080 Caesar salad. Sadly, if only they were, then they might survive, but... 554 00:33:01,080 --> 00:33:04,200 For feeding fish farms. For feeding fish farms 555 00:33:04,200 --> 00:33:08,080 and for feeding chickens and all kinds of things in China. 556 00:33:08,080 --> 00:33:14,280 It takes 5kg of anchovies to produce 1kg of salmon meat, or farmed fish flesh. 557 00:33:14,280 --> 00:33:18,120 People buy farmed salmon thinking, "Oh, this is sustainable." 558 00:33:18,120 --> 00:33:21,880 But instead they're just using up enormous stocks of anchovy. 559 00:33:21,880 --> 00:33:26,040 Since 1856, the USA has claimed a legal right to take possession of islands 560 00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:28,960 where they find guano, birds' doings to you and me. 561 00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:31,800 The properties of guano were first discovered 562 00:33:31,800 --> 00:33:35,280 by the great father of geography, Alexander von Humboldt. 563 00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:41,480 Who taught Alexander von Humboldt how to speak the Atures language 564 00:33:41,480 --> 00:33:45,560 40 years after the last person who spoke it died? 565 00:33:45,560 --> 00:33:49,240 A confidence trickster. 566 00:33:49,240 --> 00:33:52,080 A parrot. Yes! Oh, Jo Brand! 567 00:33:52,080 --> 00:33:55,360 JIMMY: That was good, though! Amazing! 568 00:33:55,360 --> 00:33:58,160 Brilliant. You are rocking. APPLAUSE 569 00:34:00,400 --> 00:34:02,080 You are absolutely rocking. 570 00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:05,360 He was in Venezuela, Alexander von Humboldt, 571 00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:10,680 and he heard about this tribe that had been eaten by the Caribs, a cannibalistic tribe of the area. 572 00:34:10,680 --> 00:34:15,440 They'd all gone, apparently, but someone said, "No, there is a parrot who still is alive." 573 00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:19,360 Parrots can live a long time... How did it talk its way out of that? 574 00:34:19,360 --> 00:34:24,440 It had 40 words in the language, which Von Humboldt wrote down and learned. 575 00:34:24,440 --> 00:34:27,560 Of course, we can't know how accurate it was. 576 00:34:27,560 --> 00:34:30,280 He was with someone who spoke a related language 577 00:34:30,280 --> 00:34:34,360 and they made guesses as to what the 40 Atures words might be. 578 00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:36,880 Sort of like, "Who's a cheeky boy then?" 579 00:34:36,880 --> 00:34:41,480 He would have quite liked that, cos he was gay, Humboldt, funnily enough. 580 00:34:41,480 --> 00:34:44,560 Well, I find that stereotyping rather offensive. 581 00:34:46,320 --> 00:34:49,480 So you're saying that all gay people are like "cheeky boys"? 582 00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:52,360 No, he might have quite liked him saying... No! 583 00:34:53,600 --> 00:34:57,480 When are you going to let up with your relentless gay bashing? 584 00:35:00,640 --> 00:35:03,040 How many words can a parrot learn, do you know? 585 00:35:03,040 --> 00:35:07,000 182. That's good and specific. 586 00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:11,640 There have been some 200, but the odd thing is why they speak at all. 587 00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:14,240 Why is it that they do mimic humans? 588 00:35:14,240 --> 00:35:18,480 They have that thing in the back of their throat that I have, where they can go... 589 00:35:18,480 --> 00:35:20,760 SPEAKS AS MAN TRAPPED IN A BOX 590 00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:24,840 The extraordinary thing is, no parrot in the wild 591 00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:29,200 has ever been observed mimicking another bird or another animal. 592 00:35:29,200 --> 00:35:32,720 But there are birds in the wild that mimic noises. 593 00:35:32,720 --> 00:35:35,840 Yes, myna birds and other birds, but parrots don't. 594 00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:39,160 In the wild, they have their own screech and they're satisfied. 595 00:35:39,160 --> 00:35:42,800 They don't imitate other birds. They've never been observed to. 596 00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:44,240 That is a shock, isn't it? 597 00:35:44,240 --> 00:35:46,640 Do you have the answer to this? No, I don't. Oh! 598 00:35:46,640 --> 00:35:49,360 I'm sorry. No, it's a real question. 599 00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:51,760 They imitate movements in the same way... 600 00:35:51,760 --> 00:35:55,320 If you lift your leg, they will lift their leg or your hand or whatever. 601 00:35:55,320 --> 00:35:58,720 They'll imitate what you do, physically. They like to do that. 602 00:35:58,720 --> 00:36:01,560 It just amuses them. Seems to amuse them, at least. 603 00:36:01,560 --> 00:36:06,480 But 40 words of this language that Von Humboldt spoke may seem very few, 604 00:36:06,480 --> 00:36:10,560 but the fourth best-selling children's book of all time 605 00:36:10,560 --> 00:36:12,400 has a vocabulary of only 50 words. 606 00:36:12,400 --> 00:36:17,360 Which would that be? I... Erm... Oh, was it The Da Vinci Code? 607 00:36:19,280 --> 00:36:21,560 It's not a modern-day book, it's a classic. 608 00:36:21,560 --> 00:36:23,240 It's a 20th century classic. 609 00:36:23,240 --> 00:36:25,080 I'll read some. Oh, is it Dr Seuss? 610 00:36:25,080 --> 00:36:29,360 With, would, you, will, try, tree, train, they, not, on... 611 00:36:29,360 --> 00:36:32,720 It's good, isn't it? Say, see, so, thank, that, the, then, there. 612 00:36:32,720 --> 00:36:37,000 And "anywhere". Now I'm going to give it away. "Eggs, Sam, ham..." 613 00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:39,120 I just said Dr Seuss. 614 00:36:39,120 --> 00:36:43,000 Yes, absolutely. You ignored me! No, I was carrying on. I heard it. 615 00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:46,520 Green Eggs And Ham. That's right. You didn't say the title. 616 00:36:46,520 --> 00:36:48,760 I would have then said, "Brilliant!" 617 00:36:48,760 --> 00:36:53,120 So Humboldt apparently learned Atures from a parrot. 618 00:36:53,120 --> 00:36:58,720 Which leaves us plummeting over the sheer cliff of general ignorance. Fingers on buzzers. 619 00:36:58,720 --> 00:37:01,600 What do Mongolians live in? FOGHORN 620 00:37:01,600 --> 00:37:05,200 They're called something like "yak". It's like a "yult" or a "yak". 621 00:37:05,200 --> 00:37:10,080 Do you mean a yurt? Oh! Yes, that's the one. 622 00:37:10,080 --> 00:37:12,200 KLAXON BLARES No, that's not the one. 623 00:37:12,200 --> 00:37:16,920 Yeah, thanks, Rob. No, yurt is a Turkish word and Mongolians would not be pleased 624 00:37:16,920 --> 00:37:21,200 if you called their "ger", which is what they call their tents, a yurt. I won't. 625 00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:24,480 No, indeed. Now we know. They don't call them that. 626 00:37:24,480 --> 00:37:27,000 It's where they live and it means home in Mongolian. 627 00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:30,600 Where in Holland is the Dutch city of Groningen? 628 00:37:30,600 --> 00:37:32,320 Is it not going to be in Holland? 629 00:37:32,320 --> 00:37:35,240 It's not. It's another one of the Netherlands. 630 00:37:35,240 --> 00:37:36,560 Yes. You're very smart. 631 00:37:36,560 --> 00:37:42,560 There are two provinces called Holland and they're both south of where Groningen is. There, you see. 632 00:37:42,560 --> 00:37:45,080 Sorry, there's two places called Holland? Yup. 633 00:37:45,080 --> 00:37:48,400 In the Netherlands, there are two areas called the Hollands, 634 00:37:48,400 --> 00:37:50,400 North Holland and South Holland... OK. 635 00:37:50,400 --> 00:37:52,680 In which Amsterdam, The Hague, Rotterdam are. 636 00:37:52,680 --> 00:37:56,640 But where Groningen is, is not in Holland. It's in the Netherlands. 637 00:37:56,640 --> 00:38:01,320 That photo looked like Guildford, didn't it? It did a bit. That famous shot of Guildford. 638 00:38:01,320 --> 00:38:02,840 That could be Britain. 639 00:38:02,840 --> 00:38:07,320 So easily. If it didn't have a big sign saying "Groningen"! 640 00:38:07,320 --> 00:38:10,360 That was the clue there, I felt. That's the giveaway. 641 00:38:10,360 --> 00:38:13,680 They have a pub that claims to have been open non-stop for ten years. 642 00:38:13,680 --> 00:38:16,480 So indeed it could be Britain. Exactly! Exactly. 643 00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:20,320 Are you suggesting we have more in common with our European neighbours...? 644 00:38:20,320 --> 00:38:25,600 I'm suggesting the world is becoming homogenised and indistinct 645 00:38:25,600 --> 00:38:28,040 and, I for one, think that's a bad thing. 646 00:38:28,040 --> 00:38:31,640 Hear, hear, hear! Quite right. There you go. 647 00:38:31,640 --> 00:38:34,640 I think we all think like that. We're all the same. 648 00:38:39,040 --> 00:38:41,120 Oh, very good. 649 00:38:41,120 --> 00:38:44,720 Groningen is in the Netherlands, but it isn't in Holland, 650 00:38:44,720 --> 00:38:49,360 which refers only to the western provinces, an eighth of the country's total land mass. 651 00:38:49,360 --> 00:38:52,960 Us calling the country "Holland" is like them calling Britain East Anglia. 652 00:38:52,960 --> 00:38:54,920 Which would be nice, but they don't. 653 00:38:54,920 --> 00:38:59,160 What is quite interesting about Church Flatts Farm in Derbyshire? 654 00:38:59,160 --> 00:39:02,880 Is it to do with the height above sea level? 655 00:39:02,880 --> 00:39:05,800 No, but you're so much in the right area. 656 00:39:05,800 --> 00:39:09,960 Is it the height below sea level? Is it not flat and it hasn't got a church there? 657 00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:12,400 Well, no, not exactly... The highest flat bit? 658 00:39:12,400 --> 00:39:14,760 No, but think of the sea. 659 00:39:14,760 --> 00:39:17,960 You're in Derbyshire. Oh, I know what it is! 660 00:39:17,960 --> 00:39:22,120 It's the point in Britain that is furthest from the sea. The sea... 661 00:39:22,120 --> 00:39:24,240 Yes, I've got it, Alan! 662 00:39:25,880 --> 00:39:28,520 I won't have you competing for Sir's favour. 663 00:39:28,520 --> 00:39:30,040 You're both very good boys. 664 00:39:30,040 --> 00:39:32,920 Isn't it something like 72 miles, you can't be...? 665 00:39:32,920 --> 00:39:37,640 Exactly. Well, 70 miles. Nowhere in Britain is more than 70 miles from the coast, 666 00:39:37,640 --> 00:39:41,720 which perhaps makes Church Flatts Farm the very middle of the country. 667 00:39:41,720 --> 00:39:45,640 Anyway, which language is the Spanish national anthem sung in? 668 00:39:45,640 --> 00:39:50,120 Well, I'm going to go for... LAUGHTER 669 00:39:50,120 --> 00:39:52,880 THUNDER ROLLS Is it Spanish? 670 00:39:52,880 --> 00:39:57,240 No. KLAXON BLARES 671 00:39:57,240 --> 00:40:00,560 Is it Catalan? Oh! 672 00:40:00,560 --> 00:40:02,800 KLAXON BLARES 673 00:40:02,800 --> 00:40:06,040 Is it Castilian? 674 00:40:06,040 --> 00:40:09,800 Well, that is Spanish really, isn't it? Classic Spanish. It's not... 675 00:40:09,800 --> 00:40:15,160 Sorry, Stephen, can you remind me what was the language that guy was taught 40 years after it died out? 676 00:40:15,160 --> 00:40:17,480 It's not that one, no. 'Rockall!' 677 00:40:19,480 --> 00:40:24,000 I didn't say anything! Don't be aggressive. Is it instrumental? 678 00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:26,760 Yes, is the right answer. Well done. 679 00:40:29,920 --> 00:40:33,800 It's very odd. They have one of the oldest tunes called La Marcha Real. 680 00:40:33,800 --> 00:40:35,520 It's the only anthem with no words. 681 00:40:35,520 --> 00:40:38,360 The old ones were dropped after Franco's death in '75. 682 00:40:38,360 --> 00:40:43,200 But they were inspired by visiting Liverpool fans listening to You'll Never Walk Alone, 683 00:40:43,200 --> 00:40:47,800 which is a song from an American Broadway musical, bizarrely, called Carousel... 684 00:40:47,800 --> 00:40:49,880 SCOUSE: Eh, eh! Don't talk rubbish. 685 00:40:49,880 --> 00:40:51,440 It is! 686 00:40:51,440 --> 00:40:53,520 JIMMY: You couldn't look any more Scouse. 687 00:40:55,240 --> 00:40:59,160 The Spanish Olympic Committee held a competition in 2007 688 00:40:59,160 --> 00:41:02,280 to replace the words of their Franco, fascist one. 689 00:41:02,280 --> 00:41:06,600 They were withdrawn after five days, having fallen foul of several Spanish regions. 690 00:41:06,600 --> 00:41:10,440 They criticised the new version, which was called Viva Espana, 691 00:41:10,440 --> 00:41:12,920 unfortunately, for being too nationalistic. 692 00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:14,800 What, for a national anthem?! 693 00:41:14,800 --> 00:41:18,080 Yeah, for a national anthem, duh! The words were, "Long live Spain. 694 00:41:18,080 --> 00:41:21,120 "We sing together with different voices and only one heart." 695 00:41:21,120 --> 00:41:23,200 Doesn't seem that terrible. Rubbish. 696 00:41:23,200 --> 00:41:26,640 La Marseillaise: "Do you hear...the roar of those ferocious soldiers? 697 00:41:26,640 --> 00:41:32,080 "They come right here into your midst to slit the throats of your sons and wives." 698 00:41:32,080 --> 00:41:33,800 Which is quite aggressive. 699 00:41:33,800 --> 00:41:37,160 Or God Save The Queen has the sixth verse. Do you know that? 700 00:41:37,160 --> 00:41:40,240 Of course I know the sixth verse to God Save The Queen! 701 00:41:40,240 --> 00:41:42,960 Give us it. I have to sing it all the way through. 702 00:41:42,960 --> 00:41:45,720 Is it about going up to Scotland and killing everyone? 703 00:41:45,720 --> 00:41:49,440 "Lord grant that Marshal Wade May by thy mighty aid 704 00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:52,200 "Victory bring May he sedition hush 705 00:41:52,200 --> 00:41:55,680 "And like a torrent rush Rebellious Scots to crush 706 00:41:55,680 --> 00:41:57,920 "God save the King." 707 00:42:01,720 --> 00:42:06,480 Oh, I'm sorry. But perhaps the oddest one is back to our old friends the Dutch here. 708 00:42:06,480 --> 00:42:08,960 This is still the Dutch national anthem. 709 00:42:08,960 --> 00:42:11,960 "William of Nassau, scion of a Dutch and ancient line." 710 00:42:11,960 --> 00:42:14,880 Fair enough. "Dedicate undying faith to this land of mine. 711 00:42:14,880 --> 00:42:17,160 "A prince I am, undaunted, of Orange, ever free. 712 00:42:17,160 --> 00:42:20,760 "To the king of Spain I've granted a lifelong loyalty." 713 00:42:20,760 --> 00:42:25,920 In the Dutch national anthem, they say they've granted a lifelong loyalty to the king of Spain. 714 00:42:25,920 --> 00:42:28,720 The most deferential anthem ever heard. 715 00:42:28,720 --> 00:42:34,280 I mean, 350 years ago, Holland was part of the Spanish Netherlands, but that's a long time ago. 716 00:42:34,280 --> 00:42:38,280 The Spanish national anthem is the only one which officially has no words. 717 00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:41,960 They tried to write some but they were rejected for being too patriotic. 718 00:42:41,960 --> 00:42:46,600 which brings us to the scores, ladies and gentlemen. Quietly confident. 719 00:42:46,600 --> 00:42:49,320 Heaven bless my soul! I don't know how this happened, 720 00:42:49,320 --> 00:42:53,160 but in last place with minus 28 points is Rob Brydon. 721 00:43:01,520 --> 00:43:05,000 And just behind him with minus 21, Jimmy Carr! 722 00:43:05,000 --> 00:43:07,760 So sort of a winner. Sort of the first of the winners. 723 00:43:07,760 --> 00:43:10,440 Who can it be? Who can it be? 724 00:43:10,440 --> 00:43:13,920 In second place with minus ten is Jo Brand! 725 00:43:19,200 --> 00:43:24,400 And he breasted the tape at the very last minute with an impressive minus seven, Alan Davies! 726 00:43:31,920 --> 00:43:35,400 So it only remains for me to thank Rob, Jimmy, Jo and Alan. 727 00:43:35,400 --> 00:43:37,560 To wish you all safe onward journeys. 728 00:43:37,560 --> 00:43:39,960 And I leave you with this from Ambrose Bierce. 729 00:43:39,960 --> 00:43:44,600 "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." Good night. 730 00:44:03,440 --> 00:44:05,880 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 731 00:44:05,880 --> 00:44:07,680 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk