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APPLAUSE
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Gooooooood evening.
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Good evening, good evening and
welcome to QI where, tonight,
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it's a battle of the sexes as QI
looks at girls and boys and gender.
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Let's hear it... For the girls!
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CHEERING
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And huddled under the
glass ceiling we have
sugar and spice, Ronni Ancona.
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CHEERING
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and all things nice, Sandi Toksvig.
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CHEERING
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But what about a big
hand for the boys.
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CHEERING
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Slugs and snails, Jack Dee.
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CHEERING
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And a puppy dog's tail, Alan Davis.
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CHEERING
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Vive, of course, la difference.
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Let's here our gender-specific
buzzers. Sandi goes...
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OPERATIC SINGING
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Ronni goes...
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HARP PLAYS
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Jack goes...
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WOLF WHISTLE
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And Alan goes...
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'ALLO, DARLIN'.
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AUDIENCE LAUGH
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Well, tonight we are on the
lookout for outrageous sexism,
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so if any of you spot an example
of it, you can pull me up short
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by using your buzzer or ask
one of the boys to do it for you,
if you'd like.
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HARP PLAYS
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Yes, that's an example. You've
started. You get points for that.
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And, if you're right, you also
might get a cuddle.
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OPERATIC SINGING
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Boys, obviously. All right.
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Damn, that was an example, too.
Anyway, seconds out, round one.
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Who was traditionally dressed
in pink and called a girl?
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Was it Gok Wan?
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LAUGHTER
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No, not Gok Wan.
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Is it Liberace?
A person from history?
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No, traditionally a whole
class of people.
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A whole class of people?
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Are the lower classes always dressed
in pink so you can spot them?
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I don't mean class in that sense.
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A group of people who were
dressed in pink and called a girl.
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A girl as in a girl
describing a group of people?
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No. But babies. Which babies would
you dress in pink? Female babies.
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Though boys used to be. Boys were.
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Until the 20th century,
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the colours were pink for a baby
boy and blue for a baby girl.
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How could they be wrong for so long?
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Or maybe we took a wrong turn.
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But I'll give you an example of
Dressmaker Magazine from 1900.
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"The preferred colour to
dress young boys is in pink.
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"A blue is reserved for girls as
it is presumed paler and the
more dainty of the two colours.
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"And pink is thought
to be stronger."
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And as late as 1927
there was a report about
Princess Astrid of Belgium
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who had been caught out when
she gave birth to a girl because,
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"the cradle had been
optimistically outfitted in pink",
the colour for boys.
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Isn't that strange when, now, every
shop has a whole pink corner devoted
to girls? When did this happen?
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When did we turn around the other
way? Well, that's what I'm saying.
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In 1927 they were still
talking about pink for boys.
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Was it really? Is it something
to do with blue being considered
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quite serene and it's
the colour of the Virgin Mary?
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I think that's all part of it.
They just thought blue was a
natural, pale and female colour.
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But even more extraordinary
is the word 'girl'.
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Right up until mid-15th century...
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Boys were called girls?
Yes. They were?
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LAUGHTER
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Well, all children... You're having
to rethink everything, aren't you?
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Yes. This is the most
extraordinary episode yet.
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All children were called girls.
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Come on, girls. Boy children
were called knave girls and,
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this is even more confusing
for us today,
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girl children were called gay girls.
Yes.
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So you have... I have no
problem with that whatsoever.
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Gay girls and knave girls.
I like pink, see? Pink.
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Pink to make the boys wink.
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And I think that's right.
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I've known boys that have
been complete winkers.
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It's a marvellous thing, pink.
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WOLF WHISTLE
Sorry...bit sexist, wasn't it?
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Yeah. Jack, I've only just started.
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Uh-oh.
This is the beginning, my dear.
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I'm gonna come down on you like a...
ton of bricks, every time.
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You wouldn't be the first
boy in my life that's done so.
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LAUGHTER
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They can get a man on the Moon
but they can't get one on Sandi.
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
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The word boy was only lately
applied to a male child.
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Before, it just meant 'servant'.
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So you would say, "Boy!"
meaning waiter or servant.
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Oh, what the hell went wrong?
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It's a very strange thing, isn't it?
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Things do change. And the colour
pink, everything has to have a
pink version; mobile phones...
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But is there anything to do with
the fact that red used to
be the colour for men?
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It was a strong Christian colour. So
I wonder if pink is like a sibling.
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I think it is a mixture of that,
yes, that pink was considered
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strong and reddish and male
and, as you said,
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blue, the colour of the
Virgin Mary and so on.
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I read somewhere that
monkeys are attracted to pink.
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The females are attracted to pink
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because the infant primates
have little pink faces.
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Oh, that's very good. Did you read
that or just see it on a children's
television programme?
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It's certainly true that, if you
dress a baby in pink, mothers,
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when picking them up,
if it's not their own child,
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will tend to have a pink-dressed
baby facing them
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when they hug it and a blue-dressed
baby facing outwards.
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Thrown out the window.
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Or just facing outwards.
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All that information you've
got, Stephen, and you're
so unlikely to use it.
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I saw a thing that said they'd tried
an experiment with chimps, I think.
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And they gave them dolls and trucks
or engines to play with
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and the boy ones all wanted to play
with the trucks and engines
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and the girl ones played
with the dolls. How weird's that?
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That is odd. It is very strange.
I've got two daughters and a son.
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My son's the last one and,
when he was born, I thought,
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"There are going to be
no guns whatsoever."
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So we had no horrible toys and,
honestly, he was about two,
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and a toilet roll immediately became
a machine gun. It is the most...
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You can't fight it, can you?
No. And he likes blue.
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Not with toilet rolls, no.
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Depends on the war.
Don't hope out for much hope.
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But pink, do you know what
the traje de luces is?
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The what? The traje de luces.
I thought you'd been unwell.
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The suit of lights.
A South American thing, is it? No.
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It's a thing a matador
wears that is often pink.
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The matador's suit,
the suit of light
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And the lining of his cape is pink.
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AUDIENCE GROAN
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That's a painful moment. Something's
going to be pink in a minute.
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LAUGHTER
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Tear me a new one.
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AUDIENCE: OOOH!
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Yes, pink is a strange colour,
too, because it doesn't exist
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on the spectrum,
so it's an extra-spectral colour.
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Aren't girls more inclined
towards the red end of the spectrum?
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I think that's true.
Berries, foraging.
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Yes, having a little look on the
savannah and boys running off
towards the blue sky.
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Is that not some reason why?
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Yes, I've heard something similar.
Foraging for lipsticks.
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On trees in primal times.
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Do you know that
they've done studies
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of the hunter-gatherer societies
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and 9/10's of the food
is provided by the women
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and 1/10 is provided by the men?
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So the women go,
"Oh, we'll get some berries."
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And the men come back, "Honestly,
that bison was this close."
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"Yeah, yeah,
have your berry dinner."
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Well, we saw one, so...
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It sort of counts.
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We'll get him.
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You got any berries?
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Well, the truth is that pink
used to be the colour for boys
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and boys used to be
called girls anyway.
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So, with all this confusion,
what's the best way to get a girl?
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'ALLO DARLIN'!
Usually works.
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LAUGHTER
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V.G. V.G. If you need any more
than that, they're not interested.
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Is it to do with swimming badges?
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Swimming badges? Swimming badges.
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Yes, well, you know
how some people can swim
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and they are fantastically fast but
they haven't got a lot of stamina
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and then some people can swim
and they're not very fast
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but they've got fantastic stamina.
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And boy sperm are the ones who...
boy sperm swim fantastically fast
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but they die pretty quickly and girl
sperm take an awfully long time...
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Can I just...
There's a flaw in your argument.
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Girl sperm -
we don't have sperm at all.
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I was listening and I...
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Yes, there are lots of theories
about it. Do you know any others?
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Is it something to do with diet?
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Diet is the current one, yes.
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For example, calories.
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If you had a higher calorie intake
before being impregnated,
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out of 100, 56 had boys.
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So you don't want to have
cream cakes just before?
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If you want a girl, no.
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Also, women who ate at least one
ball of breakfast cereal a day
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were 87 per cent more likely to have
boys than those who ate no more
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than one bowl a week,
which is quite...
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Oh, darling, that's tosh!
That's put out by Kellogg's.
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What do they know?
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It does look rather extraordinary.
Ridiculous!
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Women who had boys ate about 400
calories more daily than those
who had girls on average.
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But those people who had Coco
Pops had chimpanzees. I don't...
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LAUGHTER
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A very bizarre one.
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I do not know whom this
would benefit commercially.
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Women infected with
hepatitis B virus
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are 1.5 times more likely
to give birth to a male.
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It's not a good reason to get it.
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No. We're certainly
not encouraging it.
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But there is one certain way,
which is embryo selection,
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which in America and Thailand,
in particular, is very popular.
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It costs about US18,000.
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Wow. A friend of ours had a baby
in Thailand - an English couple.
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And the Thai women said to her,
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"If you look lovely when you're
pregnant, you have girl.
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"If you look tired and ugly,
dress badly, you will have boy."
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She said, "What do you think
I'm going to have?" "Boy."
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That's outrageous! And she did.
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Oh, my God, it works! They are
a different species, boys and girls.
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I was walking along the High Street
with my two girls and my son,
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and my son suddenly went "Hah!"
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for no reason. And the girls and
I turned to him and went, "What?!"
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There was probably a secret
agent round the corner.
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I don't know. Is that puzzling?
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Ronni and I were talking about
how wonderful boys are
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cos they live in this very clear
world about themselves.
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When my son was about six, he had a
friend over and his friend said,
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"What's it like having two mummies?"
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He said, "It's marvellous.
If one of them's poorly,
you've still got one to do for you."
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Excellent child!
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Excellent child. I like.
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"Do for you"! They're gloriously
self-centred, aren't they?
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There are other theories. Aristotle
thought the diet of the mother
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and the sexual position used at
conception made a difference.
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He was half right, it
seems, with the diet.
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Anaxagoras thought boys and
girls come out of testicles.
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So you would tie off the
testicle you didn't want the gender.
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They're just making it up as they
go along. Based on nothing at all.
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The Talmud suggests aligning
the bed north-south before sex
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and then you get a boy.
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Why don't they just all wait and see?
That's the best way, you're right.
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The French thought wearing boots
to bed might help having a boy.
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What have the boots got to
do with it? I've no idea.
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It does seem most strange.
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Nowadays, you'll find that if
you've got the football on during,
you'll have a boy.
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Oh, yes. That works. That would,
wouldn't it? Yeah. Definitely.
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If you've got the football on,
you'll be lucky to be
having sex at all.
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LAUGHTER
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That's a woman who's
lost the will to live.
234
00:12:35,860 --> 00:12:39,900
You'd be surprised how easy
it is to get the football on
without it being noticed.
235
00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:47,140
You don't always
need the sound on...
236
00:12:47,140 --> 00:12:50,500
if you know who's playing.
If you're working...
237
00:12:50,500 --> 00:12:52,540
LAUGHTER
238
00:12:55,300 --> 00:12:58,820
If you're working the remote
while you're doing the business...
239
00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:02,620
We've all heard the rustle
of a magazine from the
other end some time.
240
00:13:02,620 --> 00:13:05,940
Oh, dear.
241
00:13:05,940 --> 00:13:08,460
"Are you reading a magazine?"
"No, no, no."
242
00:13:08,460 --> 00:13:10,300
LAUGHING
243
00:13:13,820 --> 00:13:16,340
Anyway, sex selection
is a tricky business.
244
00:13:16,340 --> 00:13:19,260
French folklore suggests wearing
your boots in bed,
245
00:13:19,260 --> 00:13:22,620
but modern research suggests
it's much more to do with diet.
246
00:13:22,620 --> 00:13:25,980
Why don't we have more women as
guests on QI, you may well ask?
247
00:13:25,980 --> 00:13:27,460
I know this.
248
00:13:27,460 --> 00:13:31,060
Oh, sorry. No, no, after you.
249
00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:35,500
Is it because women
are just not funny? Ohh!
250
00:13:35,500 --> 00:13:39,460
IN DEEP SOUTH ACCENT:
Now, that's right.
But we're good at other things.
251
00:13:39,460 --> 00:13:42,220
We're good at
raising kittens and knitting cakes.
252
00:13:42,220 --> 00:13:43,460
I've heard this a lot.
253
00:13:43,460 --> 00:13:47,460
I've heard that women aren't funny
and I think there's a truth in this.
254
00:13:47,460 --> 00:13:51,420
I think that there is a scientific,
possibly, relationship between
255
00:13:51,420 --> 00:13:53,740
a sense of humour
and the male sex organ.
256
00:13:53,740 --> 00:13:57,220
People are always laughing at mine.
Well, there you are, you see!
257
00:13:57,220 --> 00:13:59,660
LAUGHTER
258
00:13:59,660 --> 00:14:03,260
Is this to do with the fact
that people always say
259
00:14:03,260 --> 00:14:07,500
there aren't as many female
comedians as there are men?
260
00:14:07,500 --> 00:14:09,260
Because you know what?
261
00:14:09,260 --> 00:14:11,180
There are loads of female comedians.
262
00:14:11,180 --> 00:14:13,260
It's just that we don't see them,
263
00:14:13,260 --> 00:14:18,540
because they're systematically
rounded up and kept in a pen
just outside Harwich.
264
00:14:18,540 --> 00:14:23,940
Harwich? Yes, Harwich.
But you can go and see them
and adopt them online.
265
00:14:23,940 --> 00:14:29,100
You can go and visit them, and
you can feed them lines, and you
might get a joke back sometimes.
266
00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:34,020
And then sometimes some of
them escape and they disguise
themselves as male comedians.
267
00:14:34,020 --> 00:14:37,100
But you can always tell
which ones are the male comedians
268
00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:39,900
- the ones with the beards.
Just like Life Of Brian.
269
00:14:39,900 --> 00:14:41,500
Bill Bailey. Nearly a woman.
270
00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:47,260
But you know,
it's really rare to be allowed to
sit next to a female comedian.
271
00:14:47,260 --> 00:14:51,260
Are they worried that
our cycles will suddenly
synchronise or something?
272
00:14:51,260 --> 00:14:53,060
I'm in disguise. I'm Rory Bremner.
273
00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:54,100
WOLF WHISTLE
274
00:14:54,100 --> 00:14:56,980
Is it cos once you get them
started they don't shut up?
275
00:14:56,980 --> 00:14:59,180
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
276
00:15:02,980 --> 00:15:04,820
Whoa.
277
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:09,900
What do we do about it?! I say!
278
00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:15,940
But recent studies appear to
have shown an interesting thing,
279
00:15:15,940 --> 00:15:21,540
which is that women laugh more
but they laugh less at women.
280
00:15:21,540 --> 00:15:23,980
Women laugh more at men.
281
00:15:23,980 --> 00:15:26,580
Audiences generally
laugh more at men.
282
00:15:26,580 --> 00:15:29,180
But women themselves
do more laughing.
283
00:15:29,180 --> 00:15:33,780
I don't know. I suppose men are more
willing to make prats of themselves.
284
00:15:33,780 --> 00:15:38,100
Yes. The really, truly
great female comedians do
make prats of themselves.
285
00:15:38,100 --> 00:15:39,900
Lucille Ball, people like that.
286
00:15:39,900 --> 00:15:44,500
And there's a strange division
that girls have either got to be fey
and look slightly stupid
287
00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:48,420
or they can be, like myself,
not terribly attractive,
wear a pink jacket...
288
00:15:48,420 --> 00:15:51,780
Now stop it. There's an interesting
thing if you think about...
289
00:15:51,780 --> 00:15:53,780
Goldie Hawn, for example.
Played ditzy
290
00:15:53,780 --> 00:15:57,180
and is one of the most successful
Hollywood producers of all time.
291
00:15:57,180 --> 00:15:59,620
Yes, very smart but played stupid.
292
00:15:59,620 --> 00:16:03,460
But, just as Sandi says, as a woman,
they want to categorise you more.
293
00:16:03,460 --> 00:16:04,980
Yes. What is she doing here?
294
00:16:04,980 --> 00:16:08,540
Is she doing the fat, man-hater
thing? Is she doing the fey...?
295
00:16:08,540 --> 00:16:12,340
In the early days of modern
stand-up in the '80s,
296
00:16:12,340 --> 00:16:15,620
almost all female comedians,
the subject was being a woman.
297
00:16:15,620 --> 00:16:18,820
Whereas male comedians,
their subject was not being a man.
298
00:16:18,820 --> 00:16:22,220
In other words, women were treating
themselves as if there were
299
00:16:22,220 --> 00:16:25,300
a minority when, in fact,
they're 51% of the population.
300
00:16:25,300 --> 00:16:27,500
Women don't have the history
in comedy.
301
00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:29,860
In the era of the
great silent comics,
302
00:16:29,860 --> 00:16:33,980
we were all being tied to railway
tracks while they were all being...
303
00:16:33,980 --> 00:16:35,020
Happy days.
304
00:16:35,020 --> 00:16:37,620
LAUGHTER
305
00:16:37,620 --> 00:16:42,060
I think it was Germaine Greer who
said, "There are only two things
306
00:16:42,060 --> 00:16:46,820
"that women don't do as well as men,
and that's design dresses and cook."
307
00:16:46,820 --> 00:16:49,540
Which is kind of an amusing thing.
308
00:16:49,540 --> 00:16:51,780
Actually, almost all
the great chefs are men
309
00:16:51,780 --> 00:16:53,660
and all the great
couturiers are men,
310
00:16:53,660 --> 00:16:56,020
and yet one thing we used
to think about women is,
311
00:16:56,020 --> 00:16:58,740
"Put them in the kitchen and make
them design dresses."
312
00:16:58,740 --> 00:17:01,900
According to the American study,
if we had more women on the show,
313
00:17:01,900 --> 00:17:05,540
the panel would laugh more but
the audience would laugh less,
perversely.
314
00:17:05,540 --> 00:17:09,740
Where and when would you find
the most violent women in history?
315
00:17:09,740 --> 00:17:12,660
Basildon?
316
00:17:12,660 --> 00:17:15,020
Basildon.
317
00:17:15,020 --> 00:17:18,780
I was going to say
first day of the sales.
318
00:17:18,780 --> 00:17:20,540
Well, there've been lots.
319
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:23,980
There's a wonderful woman
called Princess Khutulun,
320
00:17:23,980 --> 00:17:28,620
who was the niece of Kublai
Khan, the great Mongol leader.
321
00:17:28,620 --> 00:17:31,820
And Marco Polo says she was the
fiercest of all the warriors.
322
00:17:31,820 --> 00:17:35,020
Niece of Kublai Khan, and he
reckoned she should get married,
323
00:17:35,020 --> 00:17:37,620
so she said, "Fair enough.
I like being a soldier,
324
00:17:37,620 --> 00:17:40,780
"but I will wrestle any man who
wants to marry me and if he wins,
325
00:17:40,780 --> 00:17:43,860
"he can marry me and if he loses,
he has to give me 100 horses."
326
00:17:43,860 --> 00:17:47,620
And she ended up
unmarried with 10,000 horses.
327
00:17:47,620 --> 00:17:52,100
And much do we love her. Wow!
But, I mean, Amazons and...
328
00:17:52,100 --> 00:17:56,180
Yes, and the Amazons were a
mythical race of warrior women.
329
00:17:56,180 --> 00:18:00,060
Xena the Warrior Princess. Yes.
330
00:18:01,620 --> 00:18:05,940
She was tough.
She may have been madey-uppy,
though, Alan, I hate to say.
331
00:18:05,940 --> 00:18:08,700
That was a documentary.
332
00:18:08,700 --> 00:18:12,100
I'm not going to be the
one to destroy your...
333
00:18:12,100 --> 00:18:16,220
Doesn't Gaddafi have Amazons?
He calls them Amazons...
334
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:17,900
We're in the right continent.
335
00:18:17,900 --> 00:18:20,220
It's Benin. Benin? Yeah.
336
00:18:20,220 --> 00:18:21,940
Hardest women in the world? Yeah.
337
00:18:21,940 --> 00:18:23,780
It was called Dahomey before,
338
00:18:23,780 --> 00:18:27,620
and the army of Dahomey in the
19th century protected the king,
339
00:18:27,620 --> 00:18:30,500
and they were extraordinary.
There they are.
340
00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:32,700
They were very extraordinary women.
341
00:18:32,700 --> 00:18:36,700
They had to be nominal wives of the
king, although they were celibate.
342
00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:40,980
D'you not think they look like the
wild card on Britain's Got Talent?
343
00:18:42,420 --> 00:18:44,220
They were chosen
for their aggression.
344
00:18:44,220 --> 00:18:47,180
The husband could actually nominate
his wife if his wife was a nag,
345
00:18:47,180 --> 00:18:48,660
which seems rather unpleasant.
346
00:18:48,660 --> 00:18:53,140
But they carried a type of
switchblade that was capable
of cutting a man in two. Eugh!
347
00:18:53,140 --> 00:18:56,060
Oddly enough, some people saw their
plight as tragic, that they had
348
00:18:56,060 --> 00:18:58,860
to surrender their womanhood,
turn into men and despise women.
349
00:18:58,860 --> 00:19:02,060
Others said they were venerated.
When they walked
through the streets,
350
00:19:02,060 --> 00:19:05,740
they were accompanied by slave girls
ringing a bell,
and men had to avert their eyes.
351
00:19:05,740 --> 00:19:10,140
That might be a better life.
It's like the eunuchs. Eunuchs...
352
00:19:10,140 --> 00:19:12,260
You speak for yourself, Alan.
353
00:19:12,260 --> 00:19:16,220
Don't you sometimes wish?
354
00:19:16,220 --> 00:19:20,740
I quite like the idea of the
slave girl walking ahead
of me and ringing a bell.
355
00:19:20,740 --> 00:19:25,100
Recent statistics have
been rather astonishing.
356
00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:27,580
Female violent crime in this
country has risen
357
00:19:27,580 --> 00:19:30,620
over the last three years by 25%
Is that to do with alcohol?
358
00:19:30,620 --> 00:19:38,540
Well, yes, probably. Because drunk
women have 50% more testosterone
coursing about their blood.
359
00:19:38,540 --> 00:19:40,420
They're drinking the wrong thing!
360
00:19:40,420 --> 00:19:43,340
LAUGHTER
361
00:19:43,340 --> 00:19:47,300
Alcohol causes the stimulation
and production of female...
362
00:19:47,300 --> 00:19:51,740
Women have testosterone, just as
men have, you know, lady things.
363
00:19:51,740 --> 00:19:53,780
Oestrogen and so forth. Lady things!
364
00:19:53,780 --> 00:19:55,540
Nipples.
365
00:19:55,540 --> 00:19:58,300
Nipples, yeah, we have nipples.
366
00:19:58,300 --> 00:20:01,380
The basic human form
is female, isn't it?
367
00:20:01,380 --> 00:20:04,860
You start out with two Xs and
then you get one broken one.
368
00:20:04,860 --> 00:20:09,100
That's your basic model.
Basic model is female.
369
00:20:09,100 --> 00:20:11,020
If you want any of the extras...
370
00:20:11,020 --> 00:20:12,740
Add-ons. Add-ons.
371
00:20:12,740 --> 00:20:15,380
Sunroof. It's gonna cost you.
372
00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:17,340
Leather steering wheel, whatever...
373
00:20:17,340 --> 00:20:21,500
Yeah, let's talk about cars for a
minute. We got there in the end.
374
00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:25,660
But that's right.
375
00:20:25,660 --> 00:20:29,100
2% fall for boy violent crime
376
00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:33,500
and a 25% rise
in girl violent crime.
377
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:36,140
So, there are boys
all over Britain going,
378
00:20:36,140 --> 00:20:38,620
"Leave it, it's not worth it!"
Exactly.
379
00:20:38,620 --> 00:20:41,660
"You know what she's like.
She starts..."
380
00:20:41,660 --> 00:20:44,340
Girl bullying is not nice, is it?
No.
381
00:20:44,340 --> 00:20:47,820
If you wanted to be, you are
very good at mental torture,
382
00:20:47,820 --> 00:20:48,900
it has to be said.
383
00:20:48,900 --> 00:20:50,940
Especially now with
the mobile phone.
384
00:20:50,940 --> 00:20:53,580
They just keep texting
you until you break down.
385
00:20:53,580 --> 00:20:56,740
In the classroom,
suddenly girls go...
386
00:20:56,740 --> 00:20:58,860
"What's happening?" "Texted me."
387
00:20:58,860 --> 00:21:00,940
I arrived in this country
at the age of 14.
388
00:21:00,940 --> 00:21:03,380
I'd been thrown out of school
in the United States
389
00:21:03,380 --> 00:21:05,740
and I arrived with a
very thick New York accent.
390
00:21:05,740 --> 00:21:08,940
I was sent to boarding school and
for six weeks nobody spoke to me.
391
00:21:08,940 --> 00:21:13,780
Jeez! Six weeks. I know. It's like
a therapy for me, this programme.
392
00:21:13,780 --> 00:21:16,060
I thought, "I have to
change my accent,"
393
00:21:16,060 --> 00:21:21,140
and then one night we were
watching Brief Encounter with
Trevor Howard and Celia Johnson.
394
00:21:21,140 --> 00:21:23,500
I thought,
"I'm going to speak like that,"
395
00:21:23,500 --> 00:21:27,180
and that's why I sound like I'm
trapped in a black-and-white film.
396
00:21:27,180 --> 00:21:29,900
But it was all to do with bullying.
397
00:21:29,900 --> 00:21:33,060
You had your own fair share
of bullying at school, Stephen.
398
00:21:33,060 --> 00:21:34,780
Yeah, well, sort of.
399
00:21:34,780 --> 00:21:38,580
But I found a very useful one was,
if you were physically bullied,
400
00:21:38,580 --> 00:21:41,820
was to say, "No, no, no,
don't, you'll give me an erection."
401
00:21:41,820 --> 00:21:43,580
LAUGHTER
402
00:21:43,580 --> 00:21:45,740
It worked incredibly well.
403
00:21:47,660 --> 00:21:50,660
That is brilliant.
404
00:21:50,660 --> 00:21:52,260
Really, really useful.
405
00:21:52,260 --> 00:21:54,020
You could try it.
406
00:21:54,020 --> 00:21:57,020
I won't take responsibility.
407
00:21:57,020 --> 00:22:02,860
Yes, the fighting women of
Dahomey were the bodyguard of
the 19th-century kings of Benin.
408
00:22:02,860 --> 00:22:07,020
Henpecked husbands used to
volunteer their wives for the job.
409
00:22:07,020 --> 00:22:08,580
Now we're off to China.
410
00:22:08,580 --> 00:22:11,140
What does "Nushu" mean
to Chinese women?
411
00:22:11,140 --> 00:22:13,060
Well, nun shu is writing.
412
00:22:13,060 --> 00:22:15,740
Is it something to do with writing?
It is.
413
00:22:15,740 --> 00:22:18,140
Nushu is a very particular
kind of writing.
414
00:22:18,140 --> 00:22:20,740
It's from Jiangyong County
in Hunan province.
415
00:22:20,740 --> 00:22:23,220
It was invented entirely
by women for women.
416
00:22:23,220 --> 00:22:26,700
Lady writing? It's lady writing.
Only ladies can understand it.
417
00:22:26,700 --> 00:22:30,140
Women were not
educated formally at all.
418
00:22:30,140 --> 00:22:33,140
Over centuries,
they developed a secret code,
419
00:22:33,140 --> 00:22:37,580
which was actually a phonetic
writing, unlike Chinese characters.
420
00:22:37,580 --> 00:22:40,940
They uncovered all these
books, How To Poison Your Man.
421
00:22:40,940 --> 00:22:44,820
Well, kind of. When one of them
married, they would be given a book
422
00:22:44,820 --> 00:22:46,940
by these secret female
friendship groups
423
00:22:46,940 --> 00:22:50,140
and they would each write in the
book and leave a lot of blank pages
424
00:22:50,140 --> 00:22:52,860
so that they could write their
secret thoughts down.
425
00:22:52,860 --> 00:22:55,540
The men could never read it,
only other women would.
426
00:22:55,540 --> 00:22:58,500
Very sly, isn't it?
That's like our culture, really.
427
00:22:58,500 --> 00:23:00,660
There's loads of words
that women know
428
00:23:00,660 --> 00:23:03,300
that men don't have a clue about,
like "sorry".
429
00:23:03,300 --> 00:23:06,620
I... "Fidelity".
430
00:23:06,620 --> 00:23:08,780
Ohh! "Responsibility".
431
00:23:08,780 --> 00:23:11,980
"Commitment". We have a
secret language in this country.
432
00:23:11,980 --> 00:23:14,460
It's called an instruction manual.
Ah, yes.
433
00:23:14,460 --> 00:23:17,500
If you want to hide something on
your computer from a man,
434
00:23:17,500 --> 00:23:19,740
put it in a folder marked
"instructions"
435
00:23:19,740 --> 00:23:21,140
and he will never open it.
436
00:23:21,140 --> 00:23:22,780
It's like a secret language.
437
00:23:22,780 --> 00:23:24,420
APPLAUSE
438
00:23:24,420 --> 00:23:26,060
'ALLO DARLIN'!
Sexist!
439
00:23:26,060 --> 00:23:28,940
Sexist, you're right.
So, points against.
440
00:23:28,940 --> 00:23:31,780
They would send them, because
they couldn't take them
441
00:23:31,780 --> 00:23:34,500
to their women friends very often,
for what reason?
442
00:23:34,500 --> 00:23:38,660
Horrible gruesome reason. Because
of their feet. Their bound feet.
443
00:23:38,660 --> 00:23:40,660
Yes, tell me about foot binding.
444
00:23:40,660 --> 00:23:45,140
Were they called lotus flowers?
When they were very young.
445
00:23:45,140 --> 00:23:49,620
Five years old. They used to break
all the bones in the foot,
446
00:23:49,620 --> 00:23:54,940
and they would bend it right
round underneath the foot...
447
00:23:54,940 --> 00:23:56,700
Three inches was the idea.
448
00:23:56,700 --> 00:24:00,820
They'd be like little...
They'd become stumps like a hooves.
449
00:24:00,820 --> 00:24:04,340
They'd be jammed into this,
and many of them would rot,
450
00:24:04,340 --> 00:24:07,780
die of gangrene.
This went on for almost 1,000 years.
451
00:24:07,780 --> 00:24:11,420
How ironic to come up with a
writing system called Nu Shu.
452
00:24:14,460 --> 00:24:16,500
It was a bit.
453
00:24:16,500 --> 00:24:18,740
APPLAUSE
454
00:24:18,740 --> 00:24:23,540
It was a bit grim. They would write
in tapestry, messages to each other.
455
00:24:23,540 --> 00:24:28,220
That's right.
The Bayeux Tapestry is actually not
about the Battle of Hastings at all.
456
00:24:28,220 --> 00:24:29,700
It's a complex soup recipe.
457
00:24:31,940 --> 00:24:35,500
There are other separate languages,
aren't there?
458
00:24:35,500 --> 00:24:40,580
In Africa... I'm trying to
think whether it's the Bantu
or the Zigua people.
459
00:24:40,580 --> 00:24:41,900
When women go to...
460
00:24:41,900 --> 00:24:44,860
Say you and I got married, Stephen.
Yes.
461
00:24:44,860 --> 00:24:47,740
The contingency is a remote one.
462
00:24:47,740 --> 00:24:51,660
I would no longer be allowed to use
any syllable that was in your name.
463
00:24:51,660 --> 00:24:54,860
It's the language of respect
that women have to use. Wow.
464
00:24:54,860 --> 00:24:57,500
So, say I wanted a
stevedore over for a fry-up.
465
00:24:57,500 --> 00:25:00,340
Hey!
466
00:25:00,340 --> 00:25:03,140
You couldn't say...
Just to please you.
467
00:25:03,140 --> 00:25:05,700
You'd have to say "edore" and "up".
468
00:25:05,700 --> 00:25:06,780
You couldn't say...
469
00:25:06,780 --> 00:25:09,380
I'd have to say a docker
coming over for breakfast.
470
00:25:09,380 --> 00:25:12,180
I couldn't use any of the
syllables that are in your...
471
00:25:12,180 --> 00:25:14,780
Is that how Ronnie Barker
got started?
472
00:25:14,780 --> 00:25:18,420
Of course, there was Pig Latin
as a secret language,
473
00:25:18,420 --> 00:25:22,020
where you take the first syllable
and put it at the end
474
00:25:22,020 --> 00:25:23,660
with an "ay" on the end.
475
00:25:23,660 --> 00:25:27,940
Yes, I remember. So "quite
interesting" would be whitekay...
476
00:25:27,940 --> 00:25:29,820
Itequay interestingay.
477
00:25:29,820 --> 00:25:32,060
Yes, exactly. Esyay.
478
00:25:32,060 --> 00:25:35,260
Yes. Oh, you scholar!
479
00:25:35,260 --> 00:25:38,180
LAUGHTER
480
00:25:38,180 --> 00:25:40,780
Plenty more where that came from.
481
00:25:40,780 --> 00:25:42,220
LAUGHTER
482
00:25:42,220 --> 00:25:47,900
The Germans have something called
Loffelsprache, which I think is
something like "spoon speak".
483
00:25:47,900 --> 00:25:50,900
And the French have Louchebem.
And there's Pileshki.
484
00:25:50,900 --> 00:25:52,820
And the Japanese have
Ba Bi Bu Be Bo,
485
00:25:52,820 --> 00:25:55,220
which is their amusing
nonsense language.
486
00:25:55,220 --> 00:25:58,700
But those are nonsense languages
where you apply a very simple rule
487
00:25:58,700 --> 00:26:00,660
and it sounds very quickly
nonsense.
488
00:26:00,660 --> 00:26:02,860
There's a very camp sort
of High Church one
489
00:26:02,860 --> 00:26:06,580
where they call Holy Communion
haggers commagers and that
sort of thing.
490
00:26:06,580 --> 00:26:08,420
And they go, "Ooh, Jessica Christ!"
491
00:26:08,420 --> 00:26:10,100
LAUGHTER
492
00:26:10,100 --> 00:26:14,980
Teenagers sound the same in every
language, I have noticed. Teenagers?
493
00:26:14,980 --> 00:26:16,820
Yeah. You could say "uegh".
494
00:26:16,820 --> 00:26:20,620
In any language, that means "yes".
"Uegh," "Oui".
495
00:26:20,620 --> 00:26:23,420
"Would you like some more croissant?"
496
00:26:23,420 --> 00:26:25,780
"Ouegh." Uegh.
497
00:26:25,780 --> 00:26:29,780
It's always the same. If you ever
you say to a teenager, "Look at me,"
498
00:26:29,780 --> 00:26:33,660
they can look everywhere
else apart from at your face.
499
00:26:36,900 --> 00:26:40,380
And then when they do eventually
concede to look at you they go...
500
00:26:40,380 --> 00:26:43,100
LAUGHTER
501
00:26:45,420 --> 00:26:46,900
That's very true indeed.
502
00:26:46,900 --> 00:26:50,980
Anyway, the women of Jiangyong had
a secret language all of their own.
503
00:26:50,980 --> 00:26:52,500
And talking of secrets,
504
00:26:52,500 --> 00:26:56,220
what does your granny have
in common with a killer whale?
505
00:26:56,220 --> 00:26:57,340
HARP PLAYS
506
00:26:57,340 --> 00:26:58,420
Yes, Ronni.
507
00:26:58,420 --> 00:27:03,620
They've both got stomachs full
of plastic bags that they've
eaten by mistake.
508
00:27:08,060 --> 00:27:14,380
My granny is actually being
hunted by the Japanese for research
purposes at this very moment.
509
00:27:14,380 --> 00:27:16,260
Did they base Free Willy on her?
510
00:27:16,260 --> 00:27:20,300
The thing is, the Japanese always use
the excuse of hunting whales
511
00:27:20,300 --> 00:27:21,860
- they say it's research.
512
00:27:21,860 --> 00:27:25,660
What else do they need to know
about a whale?
513
00:27:25,660 --> 00:27:29,500
Can't they get another book out? Or
watch a David Attenborough programme?
514
00:27:29,500 --> 00:27:33,060
What they mean is,
"We want to research how it
tastes in a sandwich."
515
00:27:33,060 --> 00:27:35,300
If it's my Scandinavian granny,
516
00:27:35,300 --> 00:27:38,420
it would be the ability
to take a single herring
517
00:27:38,420 --> 00:27:40,820
and stretch it into
a meal for four.
518
00:27:40,820 --> 00:27:44,660
Oddly enough, you made reference
to some particular stage that women
519
00:27:44,660 --> 00:27:49,220
go through which grannies tend to
have gone through. The menopause.
520
00:27:49,220 --> 00:27:52,460
Flushes and things. Flushes.
The menopause.
521
00:27:52,460 --> 00:27:55,780
Orca in the menopause?
Well, oddly enough...
522
00:27:55,780 --> 00:27:59,060
Is that why she's jumping out the
water? "Ooh, it's hot in there."
523
00:27:59,060 --> 00:28:01,860
LAUGHTER
524
00:28:01,860 --> 00:28:05,140
Killer whales are the only
animals other than human beings
525
00:28:05,140 --> 00:28:08,380
that have this enormous gap
between menopause and death.
526
00:28:08,380 --> 00:28:12,700
In other words, they have a
menopause and then a very active
and useful and happy life.
527
00:28:12,700 --> 00:28:16,380
They're also matrilineal,
so the granny would
presumably be in charge.
528
00:28:16,380 --> 00:28:22,660
Yes, and it's thought that it's
because - you mentioned this when
you talked about hunter-gatherers -
529
00:28:22,660 --> 00:28:25,620
and that it was the women
who provided the nutrition.
530
00:28:25,620 --> 00:28:28,500
And it seems that it was
often the elder women
531
00:28:28,500 --> 00:28:31,140
who gathered
the berries and nutrition,
532
00:28:31,140 --> 00:28:34,140
and so it seems to be a slow
human survival thing
533
00:28:34,140 --> 00:28:38,060
that older women are the ones who
actually, the grandmothers,
534
00:28:38,060 --> 00:28:41,380
keep the family going
and therefore their own genes.
535
00:28:41,380 --> 00:28:43,500
Grannies can be vicious.
536
00:28:43,500 --> 00:28:46,420
The killer whale in captivity
can kill its handler
537
00:28:46,420 --> 00:28:48,980
and my granny got thrown out
of three care homes.
538
00:28:48,980 --> 00:28:51,180
Wow! What for?
I was so proud of her.
539
00:28:51,180 --> 00:28:53,620
Bad behaviour.
Couldn't have been prouder.
540
00:28:53,620 --> 00:28:56,660
They kept ringing up and
saying, "We need another word."
541
00:28:56,660 --> 00:28:59,140
"Oh, Granny, not again.
Try and be pleasant."
542
00:28:59,140 --> 00:29:01,500
It is interesting.
When you see a big family,
543
00:29:01,500 --> 00:29:05,380
you see the grandmother
and the children and in the middle,
the poor mother,
544
00:29:05,380 --> 00:29:08,020
and the grandmother
and the children are so alike.
545
00:29:08,020 --> 00:29:10,980
The grandmothers are being
childish and bossy and greedy
546
00:29:10,980 --> 00:29:14,180
and the children are being
childish and bossy and greedy
547
00:29:14,180 --> 00:29:16,780
and we've got this terrible period
in between
548
00:29:16,780 --> 00:29:20,220
when we're not allowed to
be either a child or a grandmother.
549
00:29:20,220 --> 00:29:23,540
My mother grew up in Maidstone in
Kent during the Battle of Britain
550
00:29:23,540 --> 00:29:27,580
and their entire street
of terraced houses was bombed,
apart from their house.
551
00:29:27,580 --> 00:29:32,180
I said to my mother, "Why not your
house?" She said, "Oh, Granny
wouldn't have allowed it."
552
00:29:34,220 --> 00:29:35,940
Excellent.
553
00:29:35,940 --> 00:29:40,980
Maybe then, I think we might
all agree what Britain needs
is more grannies.
554
00:29:40,980 --> 00:29:42,700
Britain's Got Grannies.
555
00:29:42,700 --> 00:29:45,580
Yeah, Britain's Got Grannies.
556
00:29:45,580 --> 00:29:49,420
Do you not think it would be
great if only grandmothers
could join the Army?
557
00:29:49,420 --> 00:29:52,180
Do you not think it would
be the most fabulous thing?
558
00:29:52,180 --> 00:29:55,300
Because, for a start, if
you're going to invade somewhere,
559
00:29:55,300 --> 00:29:58,140
it would take a really long time
to organise the coach.
560
00:29:58,140 --> 00:30:01,500
And then you'd finally get there
and everybody would need a wee.
561
00:30:01,500 --> 00:30:04,140
All the kit would be all
crocheted, wouldn't it?
562
00:30:04,140 --> 00:30:07,860
And then you'd show pictures to
the people you've arrived to invade.
563
00:30:07,860 --> 00:30:09,940
You'd say,
"Oh, look at my children."
564
00:30:09,940 --> 00:30:14,460
And then you'd think, "Well, let's
have a cup of tea while we've
stopped. And a bit of a tidy."
565
00:30:14,460 --> 00:30:18,540
by which time your appetite
for fighting would have been
diminished, I would have thought.
566
00:30:18,540 --> 00:30:21,340
They'd fiddle around with the gun.
"Oh, it's not working. Oh!"
567
00:30:21,340 --> 00:30:23,180
And there'd constantly be a draught.
568
00:30:23,180 --> 00:30:27,620
"Oh!" They get so angry at draughts.
569
00:30:27,620 --> 00:30:29,500
"Oh! Ooh!"
570
00:30:29,500 --> 00:30:31,700
LAUGHTER
571
00:30:35,820 --> 00:30:38,460
That's the answer to
the world's problems, darling.
572
00:30:38,460 --> 00:30:39,500
Armies of grannies.
573
00:30:39,500 --> 00:30:43,100
Anyway, human females are the only
mammals, apart from killer whales,
574
00:30:43,100 --> 00:30:46,100
known to pass through menopause.
But what's going on here?
575
00:30:46,100 --> 00:30:48,420
Oh...
576
00:30:48,420 --> 00:30:49,700
WOLF WHISTLE
577
00:30:49,700 --> 00:30:52,820
Yay. Is it half hen, half cock?
578
00:30:52,820 --> 00:30:54,340
It is exactly half cock, yeah.
579
00:30:54,340 --> 00:30:57,540
It is exactly that.
It is half hen, half cock.
580
00:30:57,540 --> 00:31:00,660
Is it a freakish accident?
It is a freakish accident.
581
00:31:00,660 --> 00:31:01,740
Or done by design?
582
00:31:01,740 --> 00:31:04,700
No, it's not done by any kind
of scientist. It's a rare...
583
00:31:04,700 --> 00:31:08,660
I literally guessed that because
of the theme of the programme.
584
00:31:08,660 --> 00:31:13,220
There, you see? Using your
male intelligence, for once.
585
00:31:13,220 --> 00:31:15,300
Thank you. Oh, I feel so foolish now.
586
00:31:15,300 --> 00:31:19,580
It's called bilateral
gynandromorphic hermaphroditism.
587
00:31:19,580 --> 00:31:21,940
I was going to say that. Yeah.
588
00:31:21,940 --> 00:31:23,860
We are dealing with
chromosomes again.
589
00:31:23,860 --> 00:31:29,900
All cells on one side of the animal,
male, all cells on the right,
female. Doesn't happen in humans.
590
00:31:29,900 --> 00:31:33,740
I don't know how that would work.
Quite good fun, though, wouldn't it?
591
00:31:33,740 --> 00:31:37,420
It would be fun, yes. If you were at
a party, you could stand that way.
592
00:31:40,180 --> 00:31:45,100
Should I wipe my bottom with
my lady hand or my man hand?
593
00:31:45,100 --> 00:31:46,620
Gently or roughly?
594
00:31:48,340 --> 00:31:51,380
But a clown fish, did you ever
see the film Finding Nemo?
595
00:31:51,380 --> 00:31:54,780
Yes. They're fierce.
596
00:31:54,780 --> 00:31:58,380
I know a bit about them. They have
a relationship with that anemone.
597
00:31:58,380 --> 00:32:00,980
That anemone is normally poisonous
to other fish
598
00:32:00,980 --> 00:32:04,180
but they are immune to it
and they have their babies in there.
599
00:32:04,180 --> 00:32:06,900
And if you try to get near
them, they come at you.
600
00:32:06,900 --> 00:32:08,740
They're quite fierce. They are.
601
00:32:08,740 --> 00:32:12,340
Do you know about their
gender assignations? Is it variable?
602
00:32:12,340 --> 00:32:15,220
It's up to them.
It is sort of up to them, yes.
603
00:32:15,220 --> 00:32:18,620
What happens is you have one female
and one dominant male
604
00:32:18,620 --> 00:32:20,580
and the rest are all rather weakly
605
00:32:20,580 --> 00:32:23,100
and not very fit
or sexually active males.
606
00:32:23,100 --> 00:32:27,940
And if the female dies, the active
male then becomes female
607
00:32:27,940 --> 00:32:32,300
and one of the weakling males
becomes the alpha male.
608
00:32:32,300 --> 00:32:34,540
I like it. It's sort of really weird.
609
00:32:34,540 --> 00:32:37,860
Isn't that extraordinary?
They are very unusual like that.
610
00:32:37,860 --> 00:32:42,780
Rather splendid. So the story of
Finding Nemo and his father
would have been very different.
611
00:32:42,780 --> 00:32:46,140
His father would have been his
mother by the time he'd got to him.
612
00:32:46,140 --> 00:32:49,460
The whole thing would have been
very odd. "Where've you been?"
613
00:32:49,460 --> 00:32:51,260
"Huh?"
LAUGHTER
614
00:32:51,260 --> 00:32:56,220
Do you think these animals
know that's what's going to happen
to them or is it just instinct?
615
00:32:56,220 --> 00:32:58,380
Do they actually... Does he know?
616
00:32:58,380 --> 00:33:01,060
"I hope you don't die because,
if you die,
617
00:33:01,060 --> 00:33:04,300
"then I have to have it off
with all the other blokes.
618
00:33:04,300 --> 00:33:05,780
"And I'm not into that."
619
00:33:05,780 --> 00:33:10,860
They wake up one morning and go,
"Oh no, what's happened to me?
620
00:33:10,860 --> 00:33:14,340
"I've changed." The change.
It is a very strange thought.
621
00:33:14,340 --> 00:33:20,420
Yes, bilateral gynandromorphic
hermaphrodites are male on one
side and female on the other.
622
00:33:20,420 --> 00:33:22,180
If you think that's bizarre,
623
00:33:22,180 --> 00:33:25,460
what should you do if you meet
a nun with hairy hands?
624
00:33:25,460 --> 00:33:28,540
I would assume it's a man
on the run. Yes.
625
00:33:28,540 --> 00:33:30,420
Disguised as a nun.
626
00:33:30,420 --> 00:33:33,260
In the 1940s there was a big scare
about hairy nuns.
627
00:33:33,260 --> 00:33:35,820
It's something to do with
the Second World War. Yeah.
628
00:33:35,820 --> 00:33:37,900
Urban myth now. It's an urban myth.
629
00:33:37,900 --> 00:33:42,140
They thought that Nazis would
parachute in... Dressed as...
630
00:33:42,140 --> 00:33:43,860
Yes, basically. Now, look out.
631
00:33:43,860 --> 00:33:47,180
We're expecting them to
come as nuns. Beware of nuns.
632
00:33:47,180 --> 00:33:50,220
If you see a nun, check the hands.
633
00:33:50,220 --> 00:33:51,580
Basically, that's right.
634
00:33:51,580 --> 00:33:54,220
People going up to nuns
and going, "Halt!" Exactly.
635
00:33:54,220 --> 00:33:59,100
They were told they could be spotted
on buses, tubes and trains from the
south coast to the Scottish islands.
636
00:33:59,100 --> 00:34:02,340
They were said to be given away
when they reached out a hand
to pay their fare
637
00:34:02,340 --> 00:34:05,020
or when they had dropped something
and stretched to pick it up,
638
00:34:05,020 --> 00:34:07,580
thus revealing the hairiness
of their hands and forearms.
639
00:34:07,580 --> 00:34:10,660
In some cases, they may
have had Hitler's face
tattooed on their arms.
640
00:34:10,660 --> 00:34:12,660
Would they not have covered that up?
641
00:34:12,660 --> 00:34:14,820
You would have thought, wouldn't you?
642
00:34:14,820 --> 00:34:17,700
If she's driving a tank,
that's a giveaway.
643
00:34:17,700 --> 00:34:19,140
LAUGHTER
644
00:34:19,140 --> 00:34:22,620
Do you get women with hairy hands?
Hairy everything else. Oh, yes.
645
00:34:22,620 --> 00:34:23,820
Really? Well I'm sure.
646
00:34:23,820 --> 00:34:26,940
I don't know any but there must
be ladies with hairy hands.
647
00:34:26,940 --> 00:34:29,900
Because the moustaches, as
you say, are common enough.
648
00:34:29,900 --> 00:34:31,460
And hairy legs, obviously.
649
00:34:31,460 --> 00:34:34,020
But you're right,
back of hand I've not seen.
650
00:34:34,020 --> 00:34:35,860
Have you ever grown a moustache?
651
00:34:35,860 --> 00:34:38,380
I tried to for a thing. Didn't work?
652
00:34:38,380 --> 00:34:43,020
Didn't take? I didn't really like
it. Did you try it under glass?
653
00:34:43,020 --> 00:34:48,180
Then I found... I had to do a
part recently and they said, "We
need a couple of weeks' growth."
654
00:34:48,180 --> 00:34:50,100
And it started to go grey.
655
00:34:50,100 --> 00:34:52,540
That is deeply upsetting, yes.
656
00:34:52,540 --> 00:34:54,260
I was quite unhappy about that.
657
00:34:54,260 --> 00:34:57,700
And then my wife told me that,
you have already got a grey pube.
658
00:34:57,700 --> 00:34:59,780
LAUGHTER
659
00:34:59,780 --> 00:35:02,940
I said, "Have I?"
She said, "Yes, you have."
660
00:35:02,940 --> 00:35:04,660
Or was that someone else?
661
00:35:04,660 --> 00:35:06,740
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
662
00:35:11,460 --> 00:35:15,460
Good point, it's a fair point well
made. I will check properly later.
663
00:35:15,460 --> 00:35:19,780
But there were other things to
test if someone was German. Do you
know what these might have been?
664
00:35:19,780 --> 00:35:23,780
Say, if they spoke very good English
but you wanted to check
whether they were German.
665
00:35:23,780 --> 00:35:27,100
There were English words, particular
words that are pronounced oddly.
666
00:35:27,100 --> 00:35:30,500
Words of surnames, here are some,
for example. What is the top one?
667
00:35:30,500 --> 00:35:34,900
Fanshawe. Fanshawe. Did you know
that was pronounced Fanshawe?
668
00:35:34,900 --> 00:35:38,700
No, I didn't know that at all.
Chumley. Chumley, the second one.
669
00:35:38,700 --> 00:35:41,540
Barkly. Mannering as in
Captain Mainwaring.
670
00:35:41,540 --> 00:35:44,540
The bottom is Belvoir, is it?
The bottom is beaver.
671
00:35:44,540 --> 00:35:50,220
The Vale of Belvoir.
I am going to have that if I ever
became a Dame or anything.
672
00:35:50,220 --> 00:35:53,140
Dame... and I will say,
"No, it's pronounced Beaver."
673
00:35:56,340 --> 00:35:59,300
You could say that about Toksvig.
674
00:35:59,300 --> 00:36:02,380
It's pronounced Beaver.
675
00:36:02,380 --> 00:36:06,180
There was a member of this
aristocratic family here,
676
00:36:06,180 --> 00:36:10,260
Tollemache, spelt
T-O-L-L-E-M-A-C-H-E. Tollemache.
677
00:36:10,260 --> 00:36:15,020
There was the Tollemache-Tollemache
family, double-barrelled, same name.
678
00:36:15,020 --> 00:36:18,260
But, each half was pronounced
differently.
679
00:36:18,260 --> 00:36:22,260
So it was pronounced
"Toolmake-Tollmash."
680
00:36:22,260 --> 00:36:23,740
The Tollemache-Tollemaches,
681
00:36:23,740 --> 00:36:26,900
they had the longest name in the
British Army, one of their number.
682
00:36:26,900 --> 00:36:29,020
Leone Sextus Denys
Oswolf Fraudatifilius
683
00:36:29,020 --> 00:36:32,660
Tollemache-Tollemache de Orellana
Plantagenet Tollemache-Tollemache.
684
00:36:32,660 --> 00:36:37,780
But his elder brother, right,
Lyulph Ydwallo Odin Nestor Egbert
685
00:36:37,780 --> 00:36:40,780
Lyonel Toedmag Hugh Erchenwyne Saxon
686
00:36:40,780 --> 00:36:46,500
Esa Cromwell Orma Nevill Dysart
Plantagenet Tollemache-Tollemache.
687
00:36:46,500 --> 00:36:50,740
That was his name. The initials
spelt out Lyonel the Second.
688
00:36:50,740 --> 00:36:52,220
So, yes, during World War Two,
689
00:36:52,220 --> 00:36:55,820
it was feared that the German
paratroopers would
be disguised as nuns.
690
00:36:55,820 --> 00:37:00,860
Now, to break down the walls of
mutual misunderstanding with
a look at general ignorance.
691
00:37:00,860 --> 00:37:03,900
So, dainty fingers and great big
mitts on buzzers, if you please.
692
00:37:03,900 --> 00:37:05,700
You are sitting in a dimly-lit bar,
693
00:37:05,700 --> 00:37:08,020
girls and boys with
a saucy little poppet.
694
00:37:08,020 --> 00:37:10,860
How can you be sure
she's not a bloke?
695
00:37:11,980 --> 00:37:14,140
'ALLO, DARLIN'!
696
00:37:14,140 --> 00:37:18,940
You ask her a question. If she asks
you a question back, it's a woman.
697
00:37:19,940 --> 00:37:24,820
No, as in, if you say to a bloke,
"Do you know where the post office
is?" He will say, "It's down there."
698
00:37:24,820 --> 00:37:29,380
If you say to a woman, "Do you know
where the post office is?" She'll
say, "Do you want to buy a stamp?"
699
00:37:29,380 --> 00:37:33,860
Trying to be helpful but asking
you a question. That's true.
700
00:37:33,860 --> 00:37:38,180
Boys sit with their legs apart,
don't they, on bar stools?
There are things like that.
701
00:37:38,180 --> 00:37:40,460
We were wondering whether
you might say Adam's apple
702
00:37:40,460 --> 00:37:43,420
and we would have forfeited you
because women do have Adam's apples.
703
00:37:43,420 --> 00:37:45,980
You probably know you have an
Adam's apple. It's not as big.
704
00:37:45,980 --> 00:37:48,260
But on some women it
can be quite pronounced.
705
00:37:48,260 --> 00:37:51,420
There's a woman, a girl,
a lady person
706
00:37:51,420 --> 00:37:54,260
with quite an Adam's apple there.
707
00:37:54,260 --> 00:37:56,540
It's called a prominentia laryngea,
708
00:37:56,540 --> 00:38:00,020
that the medical name for
it and it's around the larynx.
709
00:38:00,020 --> 00:38:03,580
So that's what you look at if
you think someone's in drag?
710
00:38:03,580 --> 00:38:05,580
But it's no proof, is the point.
711
00:38:05,580 --> 00:38:08,900
Basically, a good lady boy can
imitate almost anything female
712
00:38:08,900 --> 00:38:12,740
in terms of how they hold their legs
and, you know, everything like that.
713
00:38:12,740 --> 00:38:16,980
Not hands or feet.
Well, some women, as you say,
have large hands and large feet.
714
00:38:16,980 --> 00:38:21,100
A dainty lady boy can
easily fool and often has.
715
00:38:21,100 --> 00:38:22,940
LAUGHTER
716
00:38:22,940 --> 00:38:24,460
As you know to your cost.
717
00:38:24,460 --> 00:38:26,540
An expensive night, that one!
718
00:38:27,820 --> 00:38:32,020
Moving on, the truth is that
without undressing them
or testing their DNA,
719
00:38:32,020 --> 00:38:35,340
you can't be sure what sex someone
is so be careful out there.
720
00:38:35,340 --> 00:38:38,020
Why are men better than
women at reading maps?
721
00:38:39,740 --> 00:38:41,260
WOLF WHISTLE
722
00:38:41,260 --> 00:38:45,180
They're not, I would say.
They are not better.
723
00:38:47,940 --> 00:38:50,020
Oddly enough. I was so trying...
724
00:38:50,020 --> 00:38:53,260
Your one attempt to be decent
backfired horribly.
725
00:38:53,260 --> 00:38:57,940
Is it to do with the brain,
spatial awareness. Testosterone.
726
00:38:57,940 --> 00:39:03,900
Isn't it? It's to do with
the grey matter and white matter
in the brain.
727
00:39:03,900 --> 00:39:07,660
MRI equipment has shown,
oddly enough, that in a test group
728
00:39:07,660 --> 00:39:14,060
of men and women with average
IQ scores amongst the two genders
roughly equal. Don't be absurd! Hey!
729
00:39:14,060 --> 00:39:16,740
LAUGHTER
730
00:39:16,740 --> 00:39:18,660
How on earth are they finding...
731
00:39:18,660 --> 00:39:20,860
When given intelligence tests,
732
00:39:20,860 --> 00:39:24,020
men use 6.5 times more
grey matter than women.
733
00:39:24,020 --> 00:39:26,220
Women used nine times
as much white matter.
734
00:39:26,220 --> 00:39:29,820
Grey matter is central to processing
information and plays a vital role
735
00:39:29,820 --> 00:39:33,660
in aiding skills such as
mathematics, map reading,
intellectual thought.
736
00:39:33,660 --> 00:39:37,900
White matter connects the brain's
processing centres central
to emotional thinking,
737
00:39:37,900 --> 00:39:40,820
use of language, the ability to do
more than one thing at once.
738
00:39:40,820 --> 00:39:43,740
I know they're all cliches,
you know, words, emotional thinking,
739
00:39:43,740 --> 00:39:45,700
multi-tasking, women are better at,
740
00:39:45,700 --> 00:39:49,260
but it does seem that the evidence
indicates that this is the case.
741
00:39:49,260 --> 00:39:50,340
I'm so sorry.
742
00:39:50,340 --> 00:39:55,980
Is it the white matter that makes
you think it's OK to wind the
window down and ask the way?
743
00:39:55,980 --> 00:40:00,780
Yes, because that's also the
superiority in language, which
seems to be a female thing.
744
00:40:00,780 --> 00:40:04,860
You prefer to ask, where a man
would prefer to look at visual cues,
spatial cues.
745
00:40:04,860 --> 00:40:08,420
The only reason I don't
ask is because you always
get the idiot, don't you?
746
00:40:08,420 --> 00:40:12,420
When you stop and ask,
"Do you know the way to Tesco?"
747
00:40:12,420 --> 00:40:13,780
"Uuuuhhhh..."
748
00:40:13,780 --> 00:40:18,140
And they say, "In two miles
you come to a bridge,
a mile before that turn left."
749
00:40:18,140 --> 00:40:20,100
LAUGHTER
750
00:40:20,100 --> 00:40:23,620
I once stopped in Ireland,
I stopped an elderly man.
751
00:40:23,620 --> 00:40:26,060
I was lost and asked him
the way and I said,
752
00:40:26,060 --> 00:40:28,420
I can't remember
the names of the places,
753
00:40:28,420 --> 00:40:30,740
I said,
"Do you know the way to Duncannon?"
754
00:40:30,740 --> 00:40:34,700
And he said, "Did you not
want to go to Castlereagh?"
755
00:40:34,700 --> 00:40:36,580
"No, I want to go to Duncannon."
756
00:40:36,580 --> 00:40:39,740
He said, "It's a pity because
I know the way to Castlereagh."
757
00:40:39,740 --> 00:40:41,740
LAUGHTER
758
00:40:41,740 --> 00:40:43,780
That is very Eccles,
isn't it? Superb.
759
00:40:43,780 --> 00:40:47,100
It does seem that men are better
than spatial awareness problems
760
00:40:47,100 --> 00:40:49,500
and women are better
at vocabulary problems.
761
00:40:49,500 --> 00:40:53,540
And finally, one last
fanfare to unfairness.
762
00:40:53,540 --> 00:40:58,020
What is unfair about
the prize money at Wimbledon?
763
00:40:58,020 --> 00:40:59,140
WOLF WHISTLE
764
00:40:59,140 --> 00:41:02,940
They only give it to you if you
are really, really good at tennis.
765
00:41:04,100 --> 00:41:05,660
APPLAUSE
766
00:41:09,420 --> 00:41:13,460
Very damnably unfair.
Nothing. Not any more.
767
00:41:13,460 --> 00:41:15,100
CLAXON SOUNDS
768
00:41:15,100 --> 00:41:18,020
No, it's very unfair.
Is it still unfair?
769
00:41:18,020 --> 00:41:21,300
Women get more money
for playing than men.
770
00:41:21,300 --> 00:41:25,220
Per set, you mean.
Yes, the men play a lot more
tennis and get less money,
771
00:41:25,220 --> 00:41:32,460
When it started in 1884, the ladies'
champion won a 20 guinea silver
flower basket. Aah!
772
00:41:32,460 --> 00:41:35,300
While the men got a
30 guinea gold trophy.
773
00:41:35,300 --> 00:41:42,900
By 2006, 625,000 for Amelie Mauresmo
who played 142 games,
774
00:41:42,900 --> 00:41:46,620
versus just ?30,000 more for
Roger Federer who played 202 games.
775
00:41:46,620 --> 00:41:49,460
The best women were earning
more than the best men
776
00:41:49,460 --> 00:41:52,700
because they are shorter matches
allowed them to compete
777
00:41:52,700 --> 00:41:55,620
in both doubles tournaments
as well as the singles.
778
00:41:55,620 --> 00:41:57,460
The rate per game told the story.
779
00:41:57,460 --> 00:42:03,500
2005, the final eight women
earned an average of ?1,432 per game
780
00:42:03,500 --> 00:42:05,780
against the men's 993.
781
00:42:05,780 --> 00:42:08,780
How much do they win now if they win.
It is equal for first prize.
782
00:42:08,780 --> 00:42:11,660
The women's champion gets the same
prize as the men's champion
783
00:42:11,660 --> 00:42:13,860
but the men's champion
plays a lot more tennis.
784
00:42:13,860 --> 00:42:17,060
But, to be fair, the
women have got to come off
and make the tea as well.
785
00:42:17,060 --> 00:42:19,420
You women get more from sponsorship,
oddly enough.
786
00:42:19,420 --> 00:42:22,460
And also, half a million, that's not
that much when you think
787
00:42:22,460 --> 00:42:24,660
50% will go to tax,
15% will go to their agent
788
00:42:24,660 --> 00:42:27,660
then they've got to buy all their
balls and they've got to buy
789
00:42:27,660 --> 00:42:30,980
the sticky stuff to wrap round
the racket, that's very expensive.
790
00:42:30,980 --> 00:42:34,420
So do the men. They've also got
to get a travel card to zone six.
791
00:42:34,420 --> 00:42:37,300
They're left with about
?1.50 after all that.
792
00:42:37,300 --> 00:42:41,260
Anyway, now that male and female
tennis players get
the same prize money,
793
00:42:41,260 --> 00:42:45,620
it is arguably unfair to men
who work harder and longer
for less money over all.
794
00:42:45,620 --> 00:42:50,180
Which brings us to the end
of our hard work and the gleanings
of our genders.
795
00:42:50,180 --> 00:42:51,340
Oh, my goodness me.
796
00:42:51,340 --> 00:42:54,340
Let's discover who's
wearing the trousers here.
797
00:42:54,340 --> 00:43:00,460
Well, my heavens, the winners
are the ladies team with,
between them, plus eight.
798
00:43:00,460 --> 00:43:02,700
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
799
00:43:05,900 --> 00:43:09,380
It breaks down as three for
Ronni and five for Sandi.
800
00:43:09,380 --> 00:43:13,940
But the boys, I'm afraid
have come last with minus five.
801
00:43:13,940 --> 00:43:16,140
APPLAUSE
802
00:43:22,580 --> 00:43:24,380
That's all from this
edition of QI,
803
00:43:24,380 --> 00:43:27,220
so it's good night from
Ronni, Sandi, Jack, Alan and me.
804
00:43:27,220 --> 00:43:31,020
Hopefully the real winner
tonight has been mutual
understanding and respect.
805
00:43:31,020 --> 00:43:35,060
I leave you with this thought
from Canadian feminist
Charlotte Whitton.
806
00:43:35,060 --> 00:43:39,420
"Whatever women do, they must
do it twice as well as men
to be thought half as good.
807
00:43:39,420 --> 00:43:41,820
"Luckily, that isn't difficult."
Goodnight.
808
00:43:41,820 --> 00:43:43,900
APPLAUSE
809
00:43:50,140 --> 00:43:53,180
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
810
00:43:53,180 --> 00:43:56,220
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk