1 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:25,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:39,240 Go-o-o-o-o-d evening! 3 00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:41,760 Good evening, good evening, 4 00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:45,480 and welcome to QI, where tonight's show will be great, 5 00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:48,280 because our theme is greatness itself. 6 00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:52,480 Let's meet four giants of the game show genre. Great Scott, 7 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:54,160 it's David Mitchell! 8 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:56,800 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 9 00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:59,280 Great balls of fire - Sean Lock! 10 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:00,720 CHEERING 11 00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:03,040 Thank you. 12 00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:05,160 The Great Panjandrum Jo Brand! 13 00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:06,680 CHEERING 14 00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:09,520 What's a panjandrum? 15 00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:11,960 Oh, great, it's Alan Davies. 16 00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:14,680 CHEERING 17 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:18,520 Sean goes... 18 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:22,160 # Goodness, gracious Great balls of fire! # 19 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:28,920 Jo goes... # Oh, yes I'm the great pretender. # 20 00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:30,920 David goes... 21 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:34,200 MUSIC: Theme tune to The Great Escape 22 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:40,520 I just want to hear that for the rest of the evening, actually. Alan goes... 23 00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:42,640 PHONE RINGING 24 00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:48,880 'Thank you for calling Great Eastern Railways...' 25 00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:50,840 LAUGHTER DROWNS MESSAGE 26 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:51,880 Very good. 27 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:53,400 Excellent. 28 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:55,800 Now, tell me about the Great Disappointment. 29 00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:58,800 # Pretender... # 30 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:01,480 Have you been talking to my husband? 31 00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:02,880 ALARM RINGS Oh! 32 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:04,200 Unbelievable! 33 00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:06,480 Unbelievable. 34 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:09,560 That is so unfair! That was not a fix. 35 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:14,440 How predictable you are. I am. 36 00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:20,280 Yes, the Great Disappointment. Was it something that afflicted many people? 37 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:22,520 Well, it was a surprisingly large number. 38 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:25,720 When one thinks of expectations, for example... I mean, 39 00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:32,040 really, delirious excitement about some enormous happening that will take place in the world. A birth. 40 00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:33,720 Or a rebirth. Second coming? 41 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:38,480 A second coming is exactly right. And there wasn't one. Or was there? Amazingly. 42 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:44,800 There was a man called William Miller, who "discovered", by close scrutiny of the Bible, 43 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:50,240 that Christ would come back in 1844, and scourge the world and clean the sanctuary, 44 00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:52,160 in the words of Daniel 8:4. 45 00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:57,760 And it wasn't like a minor cult. There were over a million Millerites who believed this. 46 00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:00,520 They sold their property, they gave up everything, 47 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:04,520 and they believed that it was all going to happen. Newspapers believed it - 48 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:07,680 all kinds of people believed it. Their confidence was such 49 00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:10,280 that one man threw himself off a barn at midnight, 50 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:12,920 convinced that he would be scooped up and saved. 51 00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:16,080 He wasn't, you'll be astonished to hear. 52 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:17,480 "Oh, get a doctor." 53 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:20,920 Yeah... "Jesus is here." "No, I need a doctor." 54 00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:22,200 Jesus didn't arrive - 55 00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:26,200 it was known as the Great Disappointment. Was this in America, by any chance? 56 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:31,640 How did you guess?! They won't learn, will they? Well, no, 57 00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:34,480 they really won't, because what's so interesting is 58 00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:39,520 a lot of people haven't heard of Miller, but, although this Great Disappointment happened, 59 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:42,840 his followers went into religions of which you may have heard. 60 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:46,760 There was a woman who founded a religion called the Seventh-day Adventists 61 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,240 that has 15 million adherents in America. 62 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:52,720 She was a Millerite. There was another man, called Charles Russell, 63 00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:55,080 who founded an even better-known religion - 64 00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:59,760 Jehovah's Witnesses. They thought the world was going to end in about 1920, didn't they? 65 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:05,560 Well, that's part of what the apocalypse is - the second coming. 66 00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:09,440 According to Revelations, the last trumpet sounds, there's a mighty wind, 67 00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:12,840 and Christ harrows Hell, whatever that means. Mmm. 68 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:15,600 Those people don't believe it's the end of the world. 69 00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:20,480 If you really did believe the world was going to end, you wouldn't wander round going, 70 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:25,040 "I think the world's going to end." You be going, "Argh! We're all going to die!" 71 00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:28,680 You'd say, "Fancy a shag?" to that person you'd never dared say it to before. 72 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:31,480 That's what most people in questionnaires... 73 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:34,360 John McCririck, in my case. Yes, exactly. 74 00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:37,680 Can I just say, as far as that harrows Hell thing, 75 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:42,640 you just need to put a comma in that sentence? "Christ, Harrow's hell." 76 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:48,600 By the way, who had purple triangles in the concentration camps, the death camps? 77 00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:51,880 Was it Barney the dinosaur? No! 78 00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:56,800 It is an odd thing. I think most people... I thought you were talking about the Quality Street. 79 00:04:56,800 --> 00:05:01,400 No... The triangles are green! 80 00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:06,920 So yellow stars for Jews, pink triangles for gay people, so I don't know which one I'm wearing. Both. 81 00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:10,520 What I wouldn't wear is a purple triangle. Christians? No. 82 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:17,880 Gypsies? No. Lesbians? Manchester United supporters? No. It was Jehovah's witnesses. 83 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:19,600 They were also in those camps. 84 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:23,520 They had purple triangles. Just a weird thought. But anyway, 85 00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:29,240 right up to now, there is a new wave of people in America who believe, 86 00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:34,240 and about 50% of Americans do believe, that Christ will return. 87 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:36,280 And they have a special word for it. 88 00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:40,880 A special word for this moment when their bodies will be removed suddenly by Christ, 89 00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:45,280 leaving only their clothes behind them. It's called the Rapture and it's enormous. 90 00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:50,040 In 1988, four million copies of Edgar Whisenant's book 91 00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:54,560 88 Reasons Why The Rapture Could Be In 1988 were sold. 92 00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:57,400 The Rapture wasn't in 1988, you may remember. 93 00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:02,240 www.raptureready.com has millions of hits a year, 94 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:07,120 as well as offering you handy letters to leave behind for your non-saved friends and loved ones. 95 00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:12,840 It has a particularly good section called "Oops, I guess I wasn't ready". 96 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:18,120 This list spells out the perils of the post-rapture world. You are marked by the antichrist 97 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:20,840 and stung by enormous wasps. 98 00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:25,360 But, on the plus side, the price of clothing goes right down. Yes, there is that. 99 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:29,000 There's a handy quiz called "Am I rapture-ready?" 100 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:33,200 Is there advice on what sort of loose-fitting clothes to wear when you're better 101 00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:35,080 so you won't get caught on anything? 102 00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:39,800 You wouldn't want to get whipped out of a jockstrap really quickly. 103 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:42,040 Boxer shorts or something like that. 104 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:47,320 Well...you'd better be careful because, apparently, it's imminent. Is it? Oh. 105 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:51,040 The Rapture is imminent. When you say imminent, you mean this week, or...? 106 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:54,200 Oddly enough, they're not being that specific. Oh really(?) 107 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:57,520 You wouldn't want a second Great Disappointment. 108 00:06:57,520 --> 00:06:59,680 I certainly would be disappointed. 109 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:03,200 The Great Disappointment came in 1844, when Jesus confounded all expectations 110 00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:05,640 by failing to return in glory. 111 00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:09,880 Why are so many great men, though, short? 112 00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:12,200 Are they, really? 113 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:15,920 David, David, you've hit the nail on the head. 114 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:18,640 Rem acu tetigisti, as they would say in Latin. 115 00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:22,480 I'm sure they would. Yeah. It means "nice one, son". 116 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:28,240 That's absolutely right. In fact, Napoleon... Napoleon was short, wasn't he? 117 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:30,280 No, he was above average height. 118 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:34,800 Everyone was short in those days. He's 5'6", which was taller then than it is now. 119 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:38,360 He was 5'7". Oh, right. Yeah. Average height was about 5'6"-ish. 120 00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:41,440 So it's just the British who decided he was short, put him down a bit. 121 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:44,800 Yes! It was a particular cartoonist called Gillray. 122 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:48,520 When we were at war with Napoleon, there was a famous one of George III 123 00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:51,960 with a little Napoleon, based on Gulliver's Travels, like that. 124 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:53,080 He's actually saying, 125 00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:57,680 "I cannot but conclude you to be one of the most pernicious little odious reptiles 126 00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:01,640 "that nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the Earth." 127 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,360 There. Right. It's snappy. 128 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:05,720 It's a snappy one. 129 00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:08,840 He was three inches taller than Nelson, for example. 130 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:14,680 Nelson was three inches shorter than Napoleon. It's certainly true that... Nelson was 5'4"? 131 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:17,440 Yeah. Like Danny DeVito? 132 00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:23,080 He was very... Yeah, a short chap. No wonder they put him on such a big column. 133 00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:26,200 Yes, he's tall in Trafalgar Square. 134 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:30,320 Is that short-man syndrome a kind of retrospective thing 135 00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:35,840 that we've kind of invented more recently and then just gone back and said, "They're all short"? 136 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:39,000 Yeah. Some of them were short, though, there's no question. 137 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:45,080 Stalin was surprisingly short. He was only 5'5". Mussolini was 5'6". Franco was 5'4". 138 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:48,200 5'4"? Yeah. They are all short, Stephen. Well, no. 139 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:51,440 Idi Amin was 6'4". 140 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:55,440 Yeah, big fella. That's my height. Fidel Castro is 6'1". 141 00:08:55,440 --> 00:09:00,280 Mao was 5'9", which is rather tall for a Chinese person. 142 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:05,800 Mostly, they're not judged on their height, are they? No. They're not. 143 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:09,840 They're not. But all... We'll let that go. 144 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:17,000 All I'm saying... There seems to be, historically, no evidence that short people are more power-hungry, 145 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:20,080 more tyrannical, than people of average or tall stature. 146 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:22,200 You know how it came about, though. 147 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:26,600 It's probably the one thing that short people have got to cling on to. 148 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:29,840 One day, they might be a dictator. 149 00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:34,200 Well... And we've just taken that away from them. That little hope. 150 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:37,520 All this not being able to reach things from shelves, 151 00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:41,360 one day, will be made up for when I kill millions of people. 152 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:43,920 I can stand on their bodies... 153 00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:46,080 Reach the jam. 154 00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:51,560 Everybody knows somebody short who's been particularly angry and abused his position of authority, 155 00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:56,240 and then you decide he's a bit like Hitler. That's it. You notice when a short man has a tantrum... Yeah. 156 00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:58,640 ..and say, "Oh, short man, Napoleon complex." 157 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:02,080 If a tall man has a tantrum, you just leg it. Exactly. 158 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:06,200 I have to say, I'm rather shocked by this. Heightism does exist. 159 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:09,680 Short people are paid less, on average, than tall people. 160 00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:13,600 The disparity is comparable in magnitude to race and gender. 161 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:17,640 A survey of Fortune 500 companies... They should rise up! Yeah! Hey! 162 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:26,600 The chief executive officers of Fortune 500 companies - 90% are above average height. 163 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:28,520 Which is astounding, really. 164 00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:32,720 And 30% of those are over 6'2". They're the tallest 4%... 165 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:35,480 Every now and again, a little short fella breaks through. 166 00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:37,760 Oh, stop! Gets away. 167 00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:40,760 Yippee! 168 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:42,640 I made it! 169 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:45,480 It is rather shocking that there is this disparity. 170 00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:51,040 Of course, we always notice the powerful, short, rich man with the young, tall wife. 171 00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:52,960 Billionaire, Bernie Ecclestone. 172 00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:56,760 I've seen her with him. She's actually much taller than that above him. 173 00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:58,360 She's bending her knee there. 174 00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:01,120 He has to jump up to slap her on the bum. 175 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:04,400 He can run through her legs. 176 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:07,240 Who's the couple on the left? 177 00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:10,360 That's Carla Bruni and... Sarkozy. ..Nicolas Sarkozy. 178 00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:16,480 Sarkozy. But at least the women have both got handbags their husbands can fit in, which I think is quite nice. 179 00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:24,440 There's no evidence that dictators are shorter. The Napoleon complex is a myth, it seems. 180 00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:27,600 Some great men, on the contrary, are actually tall. 181 00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:30,480 For example, Charlemagne, the immensely charismatic, 182 00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:36,600 civilised, attractive 8th-century King of the Franks, Holy Roman Emperor, founder of modern Europe. 183 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:39,600 Our researchers have discovered that, in fact... 184 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:44,200 We've been digging into your family trees in that sort of Who Do You Think You Are? way. 185 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,880 And we've come up with some rather exciting news. 186 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:51,720 See if you can guess which of you is descended from Charlemagne. 187 00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:55,280 Well, civilised and attractive, it ain't me, is it? 188 00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:58,440 I think Alan. 189 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:01,480 Alan? Is it all of us? 190 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:07,800 Yes. All of us, including me and everyone in the audience and at home, if they're European. 191 00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:08,920 He was a love machine. 192 00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:18,120 It's just mathematically certain. The fact is, obviously, everyone has two parents 193 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:20,840 and four grandparents, eight great-grandparents. 194 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:23,000 It's that grain of rice on the chess board thing. 195 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:27,480 8, 16... By the time you get back to the generations just in the 13th century, 196 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:31,560 you have more direct ancestors than there have ever been human beings. 197 00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:35,600 It's about 80 billion, the number, by the time you get back that far. 198 00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:41,040 My brain... I... All you have to do... You have more ancestors than there are people that's ever been? 199 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:42,480 That's it. 200 00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:53,880 The point is you can't, you have shared ancestors. Oh, I see. 201 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:56,240 The point is, they have to be shared. 202 00:12:56,240 --> 00:13:01,560 Are your brothers here tonight? Sorry? Are your brothers here tonight? I've only got one brother. 203 00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:08,760 Oh, right. And he's not. Oh, I was going to say, Phil and Grant, I thought they might be related to you. 204 00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:12,280 Wouldn't that be great, if they were your brothers? Wouldn't you love it? 205 00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:15,640 There'd be a problem with that, cos they don't exist. 206 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:20,520 I think that would be weird, to find out you were related to someone fictional. 207 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:24,960 You'd start to doubt your own existence. 208 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:28,880 Apparently, we all are. Charlemagne's not fictional, he's just historical. 209 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:34,320 No, no. All our ancestors... All our 80 billion ancestors... Not all of them, obviously. 210 00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:38,760 But of 80 billion ancestors, one of them's got to be Winnie The Pooh. 211 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:43,560 That's very odd. 212 00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:48,040 There was a man called Mark Humphreys who was, in 1995, at Dublin University. 213 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:53,000 He discovered that his wife was King Edward III's great-granddaughter 20 generations down the line. 214 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:56,640 And he looked further into it and realised that so was Hermann Goering 215 00:13:56,640 --> 00:14:00,760 and Daniel Boone, the American explorer, pioneer. 216 00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:04,960 And then he worked out the mathematics of it, and he's the one who's given us that. 217 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:10,120 I'm just thinking about Charlemagne. That would be a really good name for an aftershave. 218 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:12,320 Ooh, Charlemagne. 219 00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:15,680 Let's smell medieval. I'm everybody's... 220 00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:19,240 I'm everybody's daddy. 221 00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:25,440 APPLAUSE 222 00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:29,320 We're all related to Charlemagne, it seems. 223 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:32,320 Computer models have shown that anyone living in the 8th century 224 00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:36,760 who had plenty of children and grandchildren is likely to be related to everyone in Europe today. 225 00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:40,520 So tell me - what good did the Great Fire of London do? 226 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:43,240 # Pretender... # 227 00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:47,480 I'm risking it here, but I don't care. Wiped out the plague. Oh, dear! 228 00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:49,520 KLAXON SOUNDS 229 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:57,480 It was taught in schools, so you've every reason to think it, but it's just not true. There's no evidence. 230 00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:00,600 Apart from anything else, the plague was already over. 231 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:03,760 But it wiped out the conditions in which it could have come back. Not really, 232 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:06,480 because the plague was mostly in the suburbs, not in the city. 233 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:10,080 The city was not the place that was most affected by the plague, 234 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:12,800 but it was the place that was destroyed by the fire. 235 00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:18,200 By the time September 1666 happened - the fire - there were very few deaths. 236 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:22,240 It had almost ended. No-one quite knows why it ended, but it wasn't the fire. 237 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:28,040 Did it make it easier for them to knock down a load of places that they had their eye on? 238 00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:32,680 Essentially. It gave the chance for Christopher Wren to get some church-building done. 239 00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:36,960 Especially St Paul's, of course. They had lots of grandiose plans 240 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:41,320 about turning London into a grid or a spiral and then they thought about it for ages and went, 241 00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:45,800 "Put it back as it was." Yes. "All squiggly lines and weird corners, please." 242 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:49,320 Which it is. But I think Christopher Wren was a bit depressed about it. 243 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:55,680 Yeah. The best thing about the Great Fire of London was that it got Wren an opportunity to build St Paul's. 244 00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:58,440 What it didn't do was clear the city of plague, however. 245 00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:03,960 Now, Samuel Pepys famously buried his Parmesan cheese to protect it from the Great Fire. 246 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:07,360 But why does cheese taste better when it's grated? 247 00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:13,640 Well, sometimes it does, but if you get one of those catering bags of grated cheese... 248 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:18,160 if you should be working for a catering company and happen to steal one, for example... 249 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:21,120 What sort of twit would do that? 250 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:28,880 You get it home, put it on your toast, it tastes rank. Horrible, dry, skanky old cheese, so... 251 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:33,480 That might be because grated cheese, yes, does taste better. Freshly grated? 252 00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:36,960 Freshly grated. There's more surface area for the tongue. Better or stronger? 253 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,320 It's more intense, that's absolutely right. 254 00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:41,400 What about Parmesan? 255 00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:44,120 Yes. When that's grated, that smells of what? 256 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:45,720 Cheese. No. 257 00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:49,240 Have you not noticed? Vomit. Vomit, yeah. 258 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:53,040 It does smell of vomit. It really does. 259 00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:57,080 It has two short-chain fatty acids called butyric and isovaleric acid. 260 00:16:57,080 --> 00:17:00,840 Sweaty-feet chemicals that body odour and various other things have. 261 00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:05,360 And, interestingly, human beings, being what they are, 262 00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:09,400 if you have two bottles of those two fatty acids, identical smell, 263 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:13,960 and you label one "Parmesan" and you label the other "vomit", people will say, 264 00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:18,480 "Oh, I quite like that one," of the Parmesan, and the other one, they go, "Eurgh!" 265 00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:21,440 I always think... You know when you buy Parmesan, 266 00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:25,960 I've never understood why it has a sell-by date. It just never goes off. 267 00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:28,960 You could put it on a rooftop in Nairobi... 268 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:32,880 for a year. It just... Nothing. Why do they have a sell-by date? 269 00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:35,720 So that you'll destroy it and buy some more. 270 00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:41,960 You buy cheese at the supermarket and it says "consume within two days of opening". 271 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:46,720 What? It's a vast amount of... How much cheese do you think I'm going to get through? 272 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:47,840 Why? It's fine! 273 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:52,320 Yeah. They know it's fine. Plus it has a label on it saying "20 years aged". 274 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:58,280 Yeah. And two days before it's completely inedible, you sell it to me. 275 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:04,800 It is true. It's gone off already, basically, cheese, hasn't it? 276 00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:10,880 That's its point, exactly. It is the celebration of what happens when milk goes off big-time-stylee. 277 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:12,560 It should just... 278 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:18,600 You should work for the Milk Marketing Board. 279 00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:24,960 "Get some lovely English milk, gone off big-time-stylee." 280 00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:28,880 APPLAUSE 281 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:36,120 "I'll have a milk-gone-off big-time- stylee and tomato sandwich, please." 282 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:41,840 That's a brilliant description. It is the best description of cheese. 283 00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:44,520 I was thinking, David. Rather than having a sell-by date, 284 00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:47,080 they should have the date that cheese becomes poisonous. 285 00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:50,960 Right. Then you know when to stop eating it. 286 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:54,720 Do they know that date, when cheese becomes poisonous? 287 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:58,000 Is it a global thing, two days before the Rapture... 288 00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:01,320 ..that cheese becomes poisonous? 289 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:07,320 Maybe it's the day they work out everyone in the world's related to Peter Andre. 290 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:11,960 That's when it becomes poisonous. At which point, people will happily eat it and die. 291 00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:18,440 Also, aren't those sell-by dates just over-cautious? Yep. You could probably leave it for ages... 292 00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:24,200 They're just covering themselves if you get ill. ..get it out the bin a couple of weeks later. You're fine. 293 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,920 Put it down your pants, go in the sauna. 294 00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:32,960 Sean... Sean... Take it out. Sean, you're... Obviously, re-shape it. 295 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:37,000 Sean. You're... You're not alone, there are people here. 296 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,960 You're saying it out loud! You're not thinking it. 297 00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:45,800 Grated cheese tastes stronger 298 00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:50,600 because a greater surface area of the cheese makes contact with your tongue. 299 00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:54,240 Now, just how great were the Great Train Robbers? 300 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:58,080 They're not THAT great, cos they got caught and locked up. 301 00:19:58,080 --> 00:20:02,960 They got caught almost immediately. And they got caught in very stupid ways. Do you know how? 302 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:07,000 Well, in the film - that's all I know about it. 303 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:13,280 In the film, when they left, there was a sort of air-traffic control tower. They left... Didn't they... 304 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:16,440 They... They leave that in the film? 305 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:19,760 OH! I'm mixing it up with Herby Rides Again. 306 00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:25,760 No, this was a TRAIN robbery, not a PLANE robbery. 307 00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:29,760 For a minute, I did think I knew what it was. 308 00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:35,280 This was in Buckinghamshire in 1963. August 8th, 1963. The Great Train Robbery. 309 00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:38,840 It was a lot of money - about ?40 million in our terms. 310 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:43,160 Did they know it was on there or did they get lucky? They knew. It was planned. Tipped off. 311 00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:47,520 It was a travelling Post Office train and it was ?1 and ?5 and ?10 used notes 312 00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:52,720 that were on their way to be burned, so they felt like they were just liberating it, you know? 313 00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:55,600 But they got caught... 314 00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:59,520 They went to this farm and played Monopoly using the stolen money. 315 00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:05,360 And then they cleared out and left their fingerprints over everything. Over all the Monopoly set. 316 00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:10,000 And they all had form. You know, they were all known blaggers. 317 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:15,160 So they were rounded up, all 12 of the gang of 15 - one was acquitted, two were never caught. 318 00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:18,000 They were pretty inept, is the answer, basically. 319 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:23,560 So, why, that begs the question, were they called "great"? Because of the amount of money? 320 00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:25,720 I think because it was a train robbery. 321 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:28,280 There was a Great Train Robbery in America 322 00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:33,760 and, in 1903, the first ever film that was a story, 323 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:37,440 rather than just a camera pointing at nature or people in a park, 324 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:41,920 but actually a constructed narrative, a drama, was called The Great Train Robbery. 325 00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:45,360 So it was very famous. So when there was a train robbery and it was a big one, 326 00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:48,800 the word "great" naturally fitted in front of it. 327 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:53,440 It's just like one of those cliches that newspapers will go for. And they went for that one. 328 00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:58,240 It just sounds like they stole the train, though, doesn't it? 329 00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:02,040 Yes! THAT would be impressive, to steal a train. You can't steal a train. 330 00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:05,520 No, because it can't go... It's got rails, you know where it's going. 331 00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:10,280 It can go more quickly or more slowly, but it's still going into King's Cross. 332 00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:14,400 If you've got Gromit in the gang... Yes. 333 00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:18,080 That's true. ..he can lay track as he's going along. 334 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:25,600 Some sort of Gromit-like escape... That would be a great train robbery. That would. 335 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:31,000 Who's the most famous of the Great Train Robbers? Ronnie Biggs. Ronnie Biggs. You all say Ronnie Biggs. 336 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:35,440 What was his role? Was he the mastermind? Is that why he's the best-known? No. 337 00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:39,280 No, he was SUCH a small peg in the whole thing. Was he the driver? 338 00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:45,240 No, he wasn't even that. He was inside, doing a stretch for taking and driving away, 339 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:52,600 and the mastermind of the entire event met him and said, "I'm planning this blag..." 340 00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:55,640 "I'm planning a game of Monopoly." 341 00:22:55,640 --> 00:23:00,240 "Just got to pick something up on the way. I've lost all the fake money. 342 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:04,160 "And the only way of replacing it I can think of..." 343 00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:06,960 "I rung Waddingtons, they didn't want to know." 344 00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:11,120 "'Get a new set,' they said. 'Don't be ridiculous,' I said." 345 00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:17,720 Anyway, the mastermind Bruce Reynolds said, 346 00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:23,200 "If you can find me someone who can drive a diesel train, 347 00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:26,760 "I will cut you in on a big job that's going down." 348 00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:32,560 You can find... I mean, that's like... That's not like someone who can melt diamonds with their eyes. 349 00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:38,120 Someone who can drive a diesel... Apparently they exist. Someone. There must be someone. 350 00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:41,920 The amazing thing, David Mitchell, is... 351 00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:45,080 Biggs found this guy, whose nickname was Old Pete, or Stan Agate - 352 00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:49,480 no-one knows who he was, cos he was never caught. That'll be Old Pete the train driver. 353 00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:53,120 So his job... After Casey Jones had turned him down. 354 00:23:53,120 --> 00:24:00,200 For this, for being found, Ronnie Biggs got a share worth 147,000 355 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:02,520 which in today's money is 1.6 million. 356 00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:07,400 And all he had to do, Ronnie Biggs, was get this guy, Old Pete, to the scene. 357 00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:12,640 But Old Pete got to the train and said, "Oh, I don't know to drive that." 358 00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:16,040 Biggs still got his share, but Old Pete was useless. 359 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:19,480 He couldn't drive the train, he'd been lying all the time. 360 00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:23,840 I like the way that Old Pete's like those actors who put on their CV, "Yes, I can horse ride. 361 00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:30,000 "Oh, yes, I can drive a train. I speak Mandarin, too. 362 00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:32,400 "A train? Through China? No problem!" 363 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:37,000 And that's how he found him, he went through his Spotlight. 364 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:40,160 Apparently, he was very well reviewed in Much Ado About Nothing. 365 00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:46,080 He's trained in modern dance. That could come in handy. 366 00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:48,960 I think you're quite fond of them. No, I'm not fond of them. 367 00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:52,880 They have a sort of mythic role... But I like that they were bunglingly incompetent. 368 00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:57,720 They weren't as evil, perhaps, as they've been portrayed. No, no. 369 00:24:57,720 --> 00:25:01,680 There's a cafe near me. It does bangers and mash and old-fashion English grub. 370 00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:06,640 On the menus, they've got... One menu's got Sid James and Barbara Windsor in a Carry On film. 371 00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:11,080 And then there's Peter Cook and Dudley Moore dressed up in their overcoats. 372 00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:13,600 And then on the third one is the Kray twins. 373 00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:15,280 Blimey. 374 00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:18,360 Two of your cultural icons, great comedians of the '60s, 375 00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:22,440 and notorious maimers and murderers. It is odd, isn't it? 376 00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:24,080 Very strange. 377 00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:27,160 The Great Train Robbers weren't particularly great. 378 00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:31,000 Most of them were caught because they left fingerprints on the Monopoly set at the safe house. 379 00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:33,920 From criminal bungling to a great scientific mystery. 380 00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:39,640 Why did it take 300 years to give the giant tortoise a scientific name? 381 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:46,040 A scientific name? Yeah, ie the Latin name. It turned out to be called Geochelone...you know. 382 00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:51,280 Is it because they just thought that was pretty good? Giant tortoise? We'll leave it at that. Yeah. 383 00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:56,200 So... Yeah? No, I... I was going to say something about... Now it's unusable. 384 00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:59,520 I'm going to have to say it now. Go on! 385 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:01,680 They thought that... 386 00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:09,000 This better be good. They thought it was a normal tortoise, but closer, is what I was going to say. 387 00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:14,680 I couldn't get that concept. Would it actually be further away? 388 00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:17,880 Then a normal one further away would be an absolutely minute one. 389 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:23,560 Would they mistake a quite-far-away, normal one for a miniaturised one, that's a bit...? 390 00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:26,160 What you're saying is... 391 00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:30,680 It's just a thought. Just a certain way. They go... 392 00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:32,160 You know what? I'll go that way. 393 00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:37,960 If there was a tortoise over there, that was giant, and I, for some reason, thought it was just there, 394 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:42,800 then I wouldn't think it was giant. I'd think it was just... Oh, there's one there, just a normal tortoise. 395 00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:45,240 Oh, my God! It's over there and it's massive! 396 00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:50,120 You have them on a huge beach with no other points of reference. Exactly. 397 00:26:50,120 --> 00:26:55,320 Are they... That's not the reason. Are they particularly litigious? 398 00:26:55,320 --> 00:27:00,440 "If you give me a name, I'll sue you." It wasn't that. It's a nice thought. 399 00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:04,680 No, they had another property, which was most unfortunate for them. 400 00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:07,560 What, the tortoises did? Yeah. They were edible. 401 00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:10,240 They were SO edible. 402 00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:16,960 Anyone who saw one, couldn't stop to think of a name for it, they just had to eat it straightaway. 403 00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:20,200 One of those... I don't know what they're called. 404 00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:22,680 Just get one. They're really good. 405 00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:25,480 We just call them "dinner". 406 00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:28,440 There's no Latin name for the pistachio nut, either. 407 00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:32,800 No-one can be bothered. "Shut up with your Latin. Eat them, they're brilliant." 408 00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:37,560 No Latin name for Maltesers. 409 00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:46,440 It's true. None of them made it to London. None of them made it to Europe. 410 00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:51,960 Now, this time... This time we're going to take it... 411 00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:55,560 Leave it. No. We're taking it back. 412 00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:59,640 Ferry coming into Dover, there's a bloke going... 413 00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:03,880 Leaving the door where the tortoise is kept. 414 00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:09,680 No, I haven't been... 415 00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:12,720 We'll eat eight. Now absolutely... 416 00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:16,040 Then everyone's looking at it, going, "Come on..." 417 00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:18,440 The sea's becalmed. 418 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:22,920 Days on end, the sea's becalmed. There's one tortoise left. 419 00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:26,200 "Let's just go back and get some more." 420 00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:31,000 After they've eaten that last tortoise, 421 00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:34,760 they're sitting there going, "Oh, we are twats." 422 00:28:36,040 --> 00:28:38,960 "I'm too full." 423 00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:41,840 Even Darwin... 424 00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:44,920 There were dozens of them... 425 00:28:44,920 --> 00:28:47,760 He collected every species in the world, but he ate that one. 426 00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:51,760 They did. Done the butterflies, done the beetles, I'm eating that. 427 00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:56,920 The only descriptions of them are comparing them to chicken, beef, mutton and butter 428 00:28:56,920 --> 00:29:01,160 and saying how much better they are than all of those things. 429 00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:04,440 No-one who'd ever eaten tortoise had ever eaten anything better. 430 00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:09,520 The liver, the bone marrow, every part of it was unbelievably delicious. 431 00:29:09,520 --> 00:29:12,280 Whereabouts were they from? From the tropics, mostly. 432 00:29:12,280 --> 00:29:14,600 Are there flights over there? 433 00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:19,680 They are now protected! All 12 species. 434 00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:22,920 If they're that delicious, they can't be. They've just said, 435 00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:26,360 "Yeah, we've protected them. They're all in there, no need to look." 436 00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:28,640 Burp! 437 00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:30,600 Oops! 438 00:29:30,600 --> 00:29:33,000 "They're fine." 439 00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:35,760 There's a border round them like North Korea. 440 00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:37,840 There's a big pile of shells, 441 00:29:37,840 --> 00:29:41,160 like those piles of tyres you see in a scrap yard. 442 00:29:41,160 --> 00:29:45,000 Some survived, however. Let me tell you about a very extraordinary one. 443 00:29:45,000 --> 00:29:47,600 That bloke there is just befriending that one. 444 00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:51,440 "Come over here, mate. 445 00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:53,640 "I'm trying to think of a name..." 446 00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:59,680 But they are amazing animals, apart from how delicious they are. 447 00:29:59,680 --> 00:30:05,680 Adwaita died in 2006 and he was Clive of India's pet. There he is. 448 00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:07,640 200 years old or something. 449 00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:11,720 255. He was born before Mozart, before the French Revolution. 450 00:30:11,720 --> 00:30:15,640 His death was announced on CNN. That's a heck of a life, isn't it? 451 00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:18,120 You can list his achievements on the back of a stamp. Well! 452 00:30:18,120 --> 00:30:23,280 Why would he need to achieve... He lived 255 years. 453 00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:28,080 People think probably the oldest living creature, because they don't live so long out of captivity, 454 00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:31,440 like most animals, and he was well cared for. But that's astonishing. 455 00:30:31,440 --> 00:30:36,200 So it lived to 255 years and is massive. 456 00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:38,600 I mean, I've achieved 50% of that. 457 00:30:38,600 --> 00:30:41,520 I don't see why that's so great. 458 00:30:41,520 --> 00:30:45,360 There are 12 species, all of them endangered. Do they all taste nice? 459 00:30:45,360 --> 00:30:50,360 Well, I don't know. But it's very sad that so many other species 460 00:30:50,360 --> 00:30:53,920 were wiped out, because they were so lovely. 461 00:30:53,920 --> 00:30:58,160 They were also used as water stores. They have a special internal bladder 462 00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:01,600 that stores water so perfectly that it's drinkable. 463 00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:06,360 When you slit them open to cook them, you also get a gallon of fresh water. 464 00:31:06,360 --> 00:31:07,560 Wow. 465 00:31:07,560 --> 00:31:11,720 So they would stack them up on boats - tons of them. They couldn't move. 466 00:31:11,720 --> 00:31:15,520 They didn't need to be fed for months, so they contributed a lot 467 00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:22,400 to whaling, because they were used as a foodstuff and a water supply. 468 00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:27,320 And I imagine if you smash the shell open, there's a little toy in there, like a Kinder egg. 469 00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:33,600 A little game, you've got to get the balls in the holes. 470 00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:36,600 How do they exist in the wild, anyway, 471 00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:41,880 if they're so delicious and slow-moving and massively useful? 472 00:31:41,880 --> 00:31:45,080 They didn't have any natural predators until man discovered them. 473 00:31:45,080 --> 00:31:47,000 They were evolutionarily complacent. 474 00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:50,280 Exactly, like a lot of island species. 475 00:31:50,280 --> 00:31:53,320 And it's only man who crosses islands in the way we do. 476 00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:57,280 Those ridiculous flightless birds on New Zealand. 477 00:31:57,280 --> 00:32:01,760 Essentially, they got lazy. "What's the point of flying?" 478 00:32:01,760 --> 00:32:07,160 Some of them go, "We'll need it one day." "No, you're too anal, you are." 479 00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:10,560 They waddle up and jump in the wok. "Just walk around, it's easier." 480 00:32:10,560 --> 00:32:13,680 Despite being discovered in 1535, giant tortoises 481 00:32:13,680 --> 00:32:16,600 weren't properly catalogued until the early 19th century 482 00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:20,400 because they were so delicious that no samples ever made it back home. 483 00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:24,080 Now to another puzzling giant. If a giant panda does a handstand 484 00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:26,640 in front of you, what's he trying to tell you? 485 00:32:27,680 --> 00:32:30,280 Um, put some money in the hat? 486 00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:33,240 What a nice thought. 487 00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:36,560 He's a human in a costume? 488 00:32:36,560 --> 00:32:37,720 Well, pandas... 489 00:32:37,720 --> 00:32:40,560 Go away. Come nearer. Be afraid of me. Leave me alone. 490 00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:42,600 Yes, it's that kind of thing. 491 00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:47,000 They have to eat 12 hours a day, so they haven't much time for rutting and fighting. 492 00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:51,080 The best they can do is urinate and mark out their territory. 493 00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:55,720 The handstand is one of their most popular methods of urination. 494 00:32:55,720 --> 00:32:59,240 Would you like to see a panda doing a handstand and urinating? 495 00:32:59,240 --> 00:33:03,360 I'd quite like to see a bloke doing it. 496 00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:04,920 There he goes. 497 00:33:04,920 --> 00:33:08,800 He's rather missed the tree, unfortunately. 498 00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:11,120 It's not a very accurate thing. 499 00:33:11,120 --> 00:33:15,200 It's supposed to hit the tree... Oh, this is going to run and run. 500 00:33:15,200 --> 00:33:17,360 It's on a loop. 501 00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:23,400 For a creature that is incredibly busy eating, there are more efficient ways of pissing than that. 502 00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:29,120 I suppose. The point is, the higher you piss, the more dominant you are. 503 00:33:29,120 --> 00:33:33,280 So the other male comes along and if he sniffs the wee quite low down 504 00:33:33,280 --> 00:33:36,040 on the tree, he thinks, "Oh, it's a wuss." 505 00:33:36,040 --> 00:33:39,240 If it's very high, he goes, "Whoa, not going anywhere near that." 506 00:33:39,240 --> 00:33:43,800 That's a wuss. Apparently, because he missed the tree. 507 00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:48,640 He's trying to piss on the cameraman. "Get off my land!" 508 00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:52,360 It's not really a proper handstand, though, is it? 509 00:33:52,360 --> 00:33:57,840 He's leaning against the tree. I think that's cheating. I was expecting a proper performing panda. 510 00:33:57,840 --> 00:34:01,000 Sorry. They are, as you probably know, an endangered species. 511 00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:03,080 Are they delicious? 512 00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:09,000 Oh, dear. I hope not. Only the ears. Oh, please, little pandy. 513 00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:12,760 The odd thing is - a fairly recent discovery at San Diego Zoo - 514 00:34:12,760 --> 00:34:14,520 they don't need Viagra... 515 00:34:14,520 --> 00:34:18,840 This whole idea of "how do you get two pandas in captivity to breed?" 516 00:34:18,840 --> 00:34:21,160 They discovered if they swap cages 517 00:34:21,160 --> 00:34:25,240 and smell each other's secretions and wee, they're up for it. 518 00:34:25,240 --> 00:34:29,920 They don't breed any more reluctantly than any other bear. 519 00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:33,720 They're actually perfectly good. So maybe there's hope for the future. 520 00:34:33,720 --> 00:34:35,200 So what was all the fuss about? 521 00:34:35,200 --> 00:34:38,280 We didn't know how to get them to do it in zoos. 522 00:34:38,280 --> 00:34:40,640 We weren't providing them with the territory. 523 00:34:40,640 --> 00:34:45,120 That's why the discovery is so important - these things that look quite comic, 524 00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:48,960 like the peeing, are actually vital to the survival of the species. 525 00:34:48,960 --> 00:34:51,600 They look fake. Don't they? They do. 526 00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:54,240 Among all the animals, they look fake. 527 00:34:54,240 --> 00:34:57,080 It looks like a bloke in a bear suit. 528 00:34:57,080 --> 00:35:00,840 "Don't give it away, but my name's Jeff." 529 00:35:00,840 --> 00:35:03,520 It'd take me quite a few years 530 00:35:03,520 --> 00:35:07,840 before I was prepared to have sex in a zoo. Yeah! 531 00:35:07,840 --> 00:35:11,280 Remember this is a world in which... 532 00:35:11,280 --> 00:35:14,480 It's not creatures of your species who'd be watching. 533 00:35:14,480 --> 00:35:18,800 So you're in a cage, invited to have sex. It's only pandas watching. 534 00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:22,360 Would you feel embarrassed in front of the pandas? 535 00:35:22,360 --> 00:35:25,600 I don't like to take my pants off in front of a cat! 536 00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:31,720 No, I'm sure you don't LIKE to take your pants off in front of a cat, 537 00:35:31,720 --> 00:35:34,040 but do you actually mind? I do. 538 00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:38,000 He goes out of the door. Then the pants come off. 539 00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:42,760 I usually put a tea towel over the goldfish. 540 00:35:42,760 --> 00:35:47,360 Right, good. Nice to know. Thanks. 541 00:35:47,360 --> 00:35:49,480 If a panda does a handstand in front of you, 542 00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:51,160 he's telling you you're on his land. 543 00:35:51,160 --> 00:35:54,480 This is to get their scent markings as high up a tree as possible. 544 00:35:54,480 --> 00:35:58,880 Time for the great test of general ignorance. Fingers on buzzers. 545 00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:00,920 How did Catherine the Great die? 546 00:36:02,280 --> 00:36:04,520 That's quite famous. Unfortunately, I don't know. 547 00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:08,400 Horse. She didn't have sex with a horse. 548 00:36:08,400 --> 00:36:12,560 Correct. She... ..Died on a commode. 549 00:36:12,560 --> 00:36:15,520 KLAXON SOUNDS Oh, no... 550 00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:20,280 Oh, dear. 551 00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:21,760 On the loo? 552 00:36:21,760 --> 00:36:23,320 You're on fine form. 553 00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:28,480 There are those... Elvis Presley was said to have died that way. 554 00:36:28,480 --> 00:36:30,080 George II died at stool. 555 00:36:30,080 --> 00:36:33,560 At stool? At stool is how they described it, rather splendidly. 556 00:36:33,560 --> 00:36:35,800 Straining away. 557 00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:40,240 Catherine did have a stroke on the loo, the commode, 558 00:36:40,240 --> 00:36:41,920 but she died in bed. 559 00:36:41,920 --> 00:36:44,000 Is that a euphemism? 560 00:36:44,000 --> 00:36:47,280 Oh, dear! 561 00:36:47,280 --> 00:36:52,160 "I'm having a stroke on the commode!" "We'll leave you there, love, for a minute." 562 00:36:52,160 --> 00:36:57,400 She did have sex with horses, though. No, she didn't. No. 563 00:36:57,400 --> 00:37:00,600 That horse's head is too small. 564 00:37:00,600 --> 00:37:05,480 They did paint them like that. It was a very odd 18th-century thing, painting horses with small heads. 565 00:37:05,480 --> 00:37:08,760 She never had sex with one horse? No. 566 00:37:08,760 --> 00:37:11,240 Donkey? Nor a donkey. 567 00:37:11,240 --> 00:37:14,640 She did with lots of courtiers. Not quite the same, though, is it? 568 00:37:14,640 --> 00:37:16,040 No, it's not, no. 569 00:37:16,040 --> 00:37:20,040 Her son, Paul, who hated her - he became Paul I, the Tsar - 570 00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:24,760 he spread the rumour, as did the French. 571 00:37:24,760 --> 00:37:26,640 "My mum, right... 572 00:37:26,640 --> 00:37:31,320 "Right, what's she's done, right, my mum. You won't believe it. 573 00:37:31,320 --> 00:37:34,400 "She's had sex with a horse." 574 00:37:34,400 --> 00:37:38,000 "That's why I'm so good at showjumping." 575 00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:42,920 Anyway, despite all the salacious gossip, Catherine died in bed, 576 00:37:42,920 --> 00:37:46,120 where she was being cared for, following a stroke. 577 00:37:46,120 --> 00:37:51,000 In cold weather, where does most of your heat escape from? 578 00:37:51,000 --> 00:37:53,680 Er... Er... 579 00:37:53,680 --> 00:37:55,880 Your head. What? Your head. 580 00:37:55,880 --> 00:37:59,760 Oh, really? KLAXON SOUNDS 581 00:37:59,760 --> 00:38:03,800 It's supposed to be 75%, that's what I've been told. 582 00:38:03,800 --> 00:38:08,720 Is it not just that your head is more naked than the rest of you? 583 00:38:08,720 --> 00:38:13,920 Yes, but you only lose 10% of your heat. If your arm was exposed, more would escape from your arm. 584 00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:17,520 If people went around with bare buttocks a lot, in the cold, people would say, 585 00:38:17,520 --> 00:38:21,760 "You really should put on a buttock hat, because you lose most heat through your buttocks." 586 00:38:21,760 --> 00:38:25,120 "Ridiculous, no need in these days to cover your buttocks all the time." 587 00:38:25,120 --> 00:38:28,920 Everyone used to wear hats. Now they go around bareheaded a lot. 588 00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:32,120 It sounds wrong, but I'm glad my grandmother's dead. 589 00:38:32,120 --> 00:38:36,120 Because that would blow her mind. 590 00:38:36,120 --> 00:38:39,400 I'm not glad she's dead. No. 591 00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:43,480 But she died a long time ago, so it doesn't affect her at all. 592 00:38:43,480 --> 00:38:46,680 You're glad she isn't here to hear it. Yes. 593 00:38:46,680 --> 00:38:49,400 At the same time, it's a shame she never saw me on a plane 594 00:38:49,400 --> 00:38:52,800 sitting next to Lionel Blair. That would have been a lovely moment. 595 00:38:52,800 --> 00:38:55,440 Has that happened to you? 596 00:38:55,440 --> 00:38:58,640 She died before I was able to tell her that. She would have seen that 597 00:38:58,640 --> 00:39:01,000 as the absolute pinnacle of human achievement. 598 00:39:01,000 --> 00:39:04,160 So it is. Yes, it was very nice. 599 00:39:04,160 --> 00:39:08,160 There's nothing special about your head and heat loss. On a cold day, 600 00:39:08,160 --> 00:39:12,360 you would lose more heat through an exposed leg or arm than a bare head. 601 00:39:12,360 --> 00:39:14,880 What was the lingua franca of Ancient Rome? 602 00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:19,200 Er, Dutch. 603 00:39:19,200 --> 00:39:21,640 I knew that's not going to come up. 604 00:39:21,640 --> 00:39:24,720 Very good, yeah. That's the way you've got to think, Jo. 605 00:39:24,720 --> 00:39:27,120 You've got to think - what they wouldn't put up. 606 00:39:27,120 --> 00:39:29,040 Cheers(!) 607 00:39:29,040 --> 00:39:30,640 Latin. 608 00:39:30,640 --> 00:39:33,400 KLAXON SOUNDS 609 00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:36,600 I did that deliberately. 610 00:39:36,600 --> 00:39:40,600 Yeah, I know! She's going for the record. 611 00:39:40,600 --> 00:39:45,320 Serbo-Croat. Romansch. It's like shooting the moon, when you play Hearts, or one of those games. 612 00:39:45,320 --> 00:39:49,040 Such a brilliant game. Isn't it? What does lingua franca mean? 613 00:39:49,040 --> 00:39:53,720 A language commonly used - everybody's second language. 614 00:39:53,720 --> 00:39:56,200 Is it Greek? Yes! 615 00:39:56,200 --> 00:40:00,880 It is Greek. Greek is the language people would use in Rome 616 00:40:00,880 --> 00:40:03,040 if they weren't Latin speakers. 617 00:40:03,040 --> 00:40:07,480 Finally, how many men have been President of the United States? 618 00:40:08,520 --> 00:40:11,120 46 or something? 619 00:40:11,120 --> 00:40:15,560 Well, should we ask the great man himself? Shall we ask the current President? Is he here? 620 00:40:15,560 --> 00:40:16,920 Is he here tonight? 621 00:40:16,920 --> 00:40:20,200 Ladies and gentlemen... What a waste of a guest! 622 00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:27,360 I'd have given up my seat and sat in the audience for this one. 623 00:40:27,360 --> 00:40:31,800 Here he is. The President, but which number, of the United States? 624 00:40:31,800 --> 00:40:35,480 I thank President Bush for his service to our nation. 625 00:40:39,880 --> 00:40:45,480 As well as the generosity and co-operation he has shown throughout this transition. 626 00:40:48,280 --> 00:40:52,640 44 Americans have now taken the Presidential oath. 627 00:40:55,640 --> 00:40:58,480 He's wrong! He made a mistake. 628 00:40:58,480 --> 00:41:01,960 He's only been on once and he's wrong already. 629 00:41:01,960 --> 00:41:06,200 He is currently known as the 44th, just as Bush was known as the 43rd, 630 00:41:06,200 --> 00:41:12,440 but they aren't. Bush was the 42nd, and he's the 43rd. Do you know why? 631 00:41:12,440 --> 00:41:14,720 One of them was invisible? 632 00:41:14,720 --> 00:41:19,720 Is there someone who was President for a bit and then stopped, then came back? 633 00:41:19,720 --> 00:41:23,440 There was one non-consecutive President, who was the 22nd and the 24th. 634 00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:25,560 Why did they count him as two? 635 00:41:25,560 --> 00:41:28,400 Yet they count Clinton as one. 636 00:41:28,400 --> 00:41:31,280 Because his terms were consecutive. 637 00:41:31,280 --> 00:41:34,480 This one was the 22nd, then Benjamin Harrison was President, 638 00:41:34,480 --> 00:41:37,520 then he was 24th. This was Grover Cleveland. 639 00:41:37,520 --> 00:41:40,760 I think if I was setting that system up, 640 00:41:40,760 --> 00:41:43,640 I'd have gone for the number of different men. Yes. 641 00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:47,160 You get a new number if you're a different man. Exactly. 642 00:41:47,160 --> 00:41:51,800 Not if there was a gap. But there's only been one gap, and for some reason, they didn't do that. 643 00:41:51,800 --> 00:41:54,000 When he took his second oath, 644 00:41:54,000 --> 00:41:57,680 he was called the 24th President, although he'd been the 22nd. 645 00:41:57,680 --> 00:42:00,800 He was actually Stalin. He does look a bit like him. 646 00:42:00,800 --> 00:42:05,400 So not only did he rule Russia, kill millions of people, 647 00:42:05,400 --> 00:42:07,880 he was two Presidents of the United States. 648 00:42:07,880 --> 00:42:10,600 It's a weird system. That's a CV. 649 00:42:10,600 --> 00:42:15,440 Now we know what he was doing in between presidencies. Exactly. 650 00:42:15,440 --> 00:42:19,880 Barack Obama is the 43rd person to become President, because Cleveland 651 00:42:19,880 --> 00:42:24,600 held the position twice, making him the 22nd and 24th President. 652 00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:30,000 It's a great shame, but that is the end of the show and time to look at the scores. 653 00:42:30,000 --> 00:42:32,320 My word, my word, my word! 654 00:42:32,320 --> 00:42:34,400 My word! 655 00:42:34,400 --> 00:42:37,360 In first place with four points, 656 00:42:37,360 --> 00:42:39,360 it's David Mitchell! 657 00:42:39,360 --> 00:42:42,000 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 658 00:42:44,640 --> 00:42:48,840 In second place with plus two is Alan Davies! 659 00:42:48,840 --> 00:42:53,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 660 00:42:53,160 --> 00:42:57,040 In third place with minus six is Sean Lock. 661 00:42:57,040 --> 00:42:59,080 Thank you very much. 662 00:42:59,080 --> 00:43:04,960 But in fourth place with minus ten, it's Barack Obama! 663 00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:07,880 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 664 00:43:07,880 --> 00:43:11,320 Barack, where are you? Minus ten. 665 00:43:11,320 --> 00:43:16,000 Which means tonight in fifth place, with a very impressive minus 46, 666 00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:17,800 Jo Brand! 667 00:43:17,800 --> 00:43:22,520 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 668 00:43:25,440 --> 00:43:31,480 It only remains to say thank you from David, Sean, Jo, Alan and me, 669 00:43:31,480 --> 00:43:34,040 and to leave you with this thought from the great Jack Handy. 670 00:43:34,040 --> 00:43:37,960 Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. 671 00:43:37,960 --> 00:43:40,040 That way, when you criticise them, 672 00:43:40,040 --> 00:43:44,200 you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes! Good night. 673 00:43:44,200 --> 00:43:47,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 674 00:44:03,120 --> 00:44:06,160 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 675 00:44:06,160 --> 00:44:09,200 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk