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APPLAUSE

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Gooooooooooooood

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evening! And welcome to QI,

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which tonight is a general grab bag
of Gs - gifts, gags, genetics,
gaols and granaries.

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Let's open the gifts first.
I have been given
the most fantastic presents.

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<font color="yellow">First out of the box, Jimmy Carr!
</font>AUDIENCE: Oooh!

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<font color="yellow">And Jan Ravens!
</font>AUDIENCE: Mmmmmm!

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<font color="yellow">But what about Clive Anderson?
</font>Ohhhh!

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<font color="yellow">And just what I've always wanted.
My very own puppy - Alan Davies!
</font>Ahhhh!

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Now what am I going to get in
the buzzer department? Jimmy goes...

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# Gimme all your lovin'
All your hugs and kisses too! #

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<font color="yellow">Jan goes...
</font># Give me just a little more time! #

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<font color="yellow">Clive goes...
</font># Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight! #

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<font color="yellow">And Alan goes...
</font># How much is that doggie
in the window? Woof! Woof! #

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Here's a gift of a question.
Suppose you want to send a present
to someone in the USA.

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What's the commonest item
that is seized by the Customs?

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# Gimme all your lovin'! #

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I'm rather enjoying that. <font color="yellow">Yes.
</font>Mexicans.

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That's a reasonable guess.
I actually have a bag of items...

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Of Mexicans?

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Can you pass that to Jimmy?
Keep one. And vice versa.

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What's in the bag?
<font color="yellow">These are all items that may
or may not be banned</font>

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<font color="yellow">by US Customs if you try to cross
the border with them. </font><font color="cyan">Chopped pork
and ham? </font>Money. Dirty handkerchiefs.

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<font color="yellow">Dirty handkerchiefs. </font>Some seeds
and a lottery ticket. <font color="lime">A cigar!</font>

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I bet you're not allowed to have
seeds. <font color="yellow">You're not allowed to have
anything in there. </font>A shoe?!

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One is the most confiscated item.

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I've been to America and I definitely
remember wearing shoes. <font color="yellow">It's a shoe
that's been to a farm lately.</font>

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It's got soil on it, the shoe.
Is this because of Cuba?

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Exactly right. It's a Cuban cigar.

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Does this just indicate
you've got flu or a disease?

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A hankie that is covered
in any amount of human disjecta,
any fluids...

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Is money too obvious?
<font color="yellow">It's not real money.
It's counterfeit money.</font>

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<font color="cyan">I'm going to go with shoes. </font>Shoes.
<font color="white">Lottery tickets. </font>Lottery tickets.

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<font color="lime">Who tries to import lottery tickets?
</font>You can go to prison for two years.

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Worth it for a ?10 million prize.
<font color="yellow">IF! Yes.</font>

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<font color="yellow">So which do you think is the item?
</font>Hessian bags!

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They are also illegal. The bag.
<font color="white">It's made out of hemp. </font>Extra point.

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It actually rhymes
with "tinder egg".

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<font color="cyan">Kinder Egg? </font><font color="yellow">The egg with
the secret surprise in it.
</font>Because you can easily open them?

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Then fill them with heroin? <font color="yellow">No.
</font><font color="lime">A child may easily choke
on the small parts. </font><font color="yellow">Exactly.</font>

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In their poetic phrase, "It poses
a choking and aspiration hazard."

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It's happening now! Oh, no! Quick!

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<font color="yellow">That is a Creme Egg! </font>A Creme Egg.

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<font color="lime">Is it tidy up time now?
</font><font color="yellow">You can tidy up, thank you.</font>

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But the fact is that there is
the "surprise toy" egg

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which is the most confiscated item.
And all imports from Cuba.

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For 17 years in a row,
the United Nations has deemed
what illegal?

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The US boycott. <font color="yellow">Yes.
The US boycott on Cuba</font>

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has for 17 years in a row been
deemed illegal by all
the UN countries except...

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Cuba! <font color="yellow">No, Israel
and the Pacific state of Palau.</font>

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Have you been to Cuba
on your many journeys? <font color="yellow">Sadly not.</font>

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I have. You can get a flight
from Miami. A lot of people do it.

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They have huge restrictions on what
you can take in, so everybody goes
in huge numbers of coats.

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They want to give family stuff,
so they have five hats, six coats,

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in tropical weather.
And they look like Michelin men.

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I was the only one there
not overdressed. For once.

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They're looking at you thinking,
"Cheapskate! No mates. One coat?"

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Do you know what's happened
in terms of legality to the famed
Academy Awards goodie bag?

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You've probably been. You get a big
bag of stuff. <font color="cyan">It's so valuable,
you can't take it out the country?</font>

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No, you have to declare it
against tax. <font color="cyan">Oh, really? </font>Yeah.

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The 2008 goodie bags were worth
?57,000. <font color="cyan">Holy smoke! </font>A goodie bag.

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Blimey! <font color="yellow">The contents
of the 2008 goodie bag</font>

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were a ?15,000 holiday, an espresso
machine, a cashmere blanket
worth ?855.

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<font color="yellow">I hope it was tartan.
Cashmere check. "Cash me a cheque."
</font>LAUGHTER

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<font color="yellow">And a white gold pearl and diamond
pendant worth ?740.
</font>That is disgusting.

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That's truly disgusting.
<font color="yellow">Is it? </font>They should be brought
over here for the BAFTAs.

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<font color="yellow">We get... </font>A lollipop.

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I think you actually do get
a lollipop.

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<font color="yellow">You get Tic Tacs.
</font><font color="lime">At the Comedy Awards
they had bowls of Minstrels.</font>

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Huge amounts of alcohol
and very little food.
"They've all got drunk! How?!"

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Someone said something controversial.
"Not that we planned it..."

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<font color="yellow">Lawks a-lummy. </font>Can we just find out,
because you know everything,

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what happens to all the Swiss Army
pen knives that are confiscated
in the airport?

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What happens to them? Given to
charity? <font color="cyan">You know if you lose your
hair gel, or whatever they pinch,</font>

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<font color="cyan">on your way out you should get to
take something. </font>Very good idea.

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A kind of "help yourself" box. <font color="yellow">Yeah.
</font>Only one thing. Don't be greedy.

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<font color="yellow">Cigars... </font>They're very well groomed,
those guys that work in Customs.

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They have very well-trimmed nails.

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Well-plucked eyebrows.
It's no accident.

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If a horse gets a stone in its hoof,
they're first in!

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They burn, of course,
the contraband cigars...
one by one, quite slowly.

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LAUGHTER

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I'll tell you, bizarrely, what is
legal to import is what Americans
call a switchblade, a flick knife,

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but only if you can satisfy
one condition. One type of person
is allowed it. <font color="white">A fisherman? </font>Nope.

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<font color="cyan">Teddy Boy. </font>A gang member. >

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Think about what distinguishes
a switchblade from any other knife.

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You're a one-armed person. <font color="yellow">You've
got a good brain, Clive Anderson.</font>

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So if you got caught with
a switchblade... <font color="yellow">Chop your arm off.</font>

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Ha! <font color="yellow">You've got it.</font>

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<font color="yellow">There you are. </font>Put it in your hand
luggage. For reattaching later.

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Fishermen are supposed to use them
sensibly. When you're catching
a fish you have to cut the line.

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That was always the justification
we used to use!

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Anyway, chocolate eggs with toys in
are the commonest items seized
by US Customs, then Cuban cigars,

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but what happened to the box
of chocolates that Gordon Brown
gave to George W Bush?

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# Gimme, gimme, gimme... #
Presumably, they chucked it away.
<font color="yellow">Absolutely right.</font>

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Under Secret Service rules,
any gifts of food or drink are
destroyed upon receipt.

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<font color="yellow">Gordon Brown gave a ?150 box
of Charbonnel et Walker chocolates.
</font><font color="cyan">Money well spent(!)</font>

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<font color="cyan">Thanks for that. </font>The Qatari PM gave
a ?650 box of chocolates,

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an assortment of nut pasties
from the Iraqi president

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and 3lbs of live shamrocks from
Bertie Ahern were all destroyed.

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Why DID he give him chocolates?
<font color="yellow">We called Downing Street to ask.</font>

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We said, "Come on.
Surely you knew the rules."
They did not favour us with a reply.

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Do you know what Gordon Brown's
present to Obama was?
An inedible ornamental pen holder,

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but it was made from the timbers
of...a Victorian anti-slaver
called the HMS Gannet.

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<font color="yellow">He received, in return, a slightly
less historically... </font>A slave!

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This was reported at the time.
<font color="cyan">Obama being very ironic.</font>

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< DVDs. <font color="yellow">DVDs.</font>

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25 American classic DVDs. <font color="white">Did Obama
give him a copy of Nailin' Palin?
</font>I don't know it.

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<font color="yellow">Nailin' Palin? </font>Nailin' Palin was
a film made last year

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about Sarah Palin. <font color="yellow">Oh, a porn movie.
</font>Well, not porn.

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Porn is a very subjective term.
Gentleman's special interest.

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The film is very good. <font color="yellow">Is it?
</font>Is it a looky-likey?

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It's a looky-likey,
but it'll do.

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Delighted to hear it. Well, well.

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What were the classics he gave him?
<font color="yellow">People speculated they were Region 1</font>

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in which case he couldn't watch them
unless he'd a hacked DVD player.

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He's not going to watch them.
<font color="cyan">That's had the eyes
taken out of it</font>

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<font color="cyan">so it's not dangerous. </font>Why do they
give each other presents?
<font color="cyan">Protocol! </font>Yeah. <font color="yellow">Yes.</font>

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<font color="yellow">That's the answer.
</font>Why not give something to charity?
"I'm not giving presents this trip."

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I'm planting a tree. <font color="white">Good idea.
</font>Buying an animal in Africa.

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Have you ever had that as a present?
Someone adopted some panda for me.

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I'd rather have a CD, thanks.

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<font color="cyan">Or name a star after you.
I don't want a star.
</font><font color="yellow">"I'm already a star," you say.</font>

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<font color="cyan">That's sick. </font>When you adopt a panda,
if something happens to the people,
is it my responsibility?

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It comes to live with me and
it looks like I've been hitting it.

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You're silly. Now...

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All food gifts to the President
of the United States are destroyed.

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Speaking of worthless gifts,
name and shame
the world's cheapest cheapskate.

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# Give me just a little more time! #
<font color="lime">Was it Diogenes the Cynic?</font>

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Wow. Tell me more. <font color="white">You've
seen this show before. </font>Well...

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<font color="yellow">Yes.
</font>I think he's slightly aroused.

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<font color="lime">Well, Diogenes the Cynic was
a famous cheapskate in the ancient
world. He lived in a barrel. </font>He did.

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And he eschewed material possessions
apart from a loin cloth and a little
bowl so he could drink water.

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Then he saw a little boy drinking
water from the river with his hands

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<font color="lime">and so he eschewed the bowl as well,
leaving just the loin cloth
and the barrel. </font>Very good answer.

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It's a good human answer,
but it's an animal answer.

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A tight-fisted animal? <font color="yellow">There's a
species of insect that gives gifts.
That's our theme, really, gifts.</font>

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The male gives the gift
to the female... <font color="yellow">In order to mate.</font>

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It's particularly prevalent amongst
males who are afraid of being eaten
by their mates, to distract them.

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The praying mantis. <font color="yellow">Insects, flies.</font>

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The Black Widow spider. <font color="yellow">Famously.</font>

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<font color="yellow">Hence the name.
</font>It's terribly exciting and erotic,

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this huge female you're trying to
have sex with, you give her a gift
and if it's wrong, she'll eat you!

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You must have a film like that
in your collection.

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You've brought back KFC.
She says, "No, I wanted Nando's."

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You're out.
<font color="yellow">There are flies called dance flies.</font>

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Often the gift is wrapped in silk.

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Or in a balloon formed
from the male's anal secretions.

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"Just what I wanted, darling!"

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There is a species
called rhamphomyia sulcata,

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which captures an insect,
sucks out its innards completely

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and wraps the empty shell in silk
and gives it to the female.

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By the time the female's unwrapped
it, he's mated her and scarpered.

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Yes. Don't try this at home!

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<font color="cyan">That's a very good tip. </font><font color="yellow">Yeah!
</font>"Here's a box of chocolates!"

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<font color="yellow">Possibly the greatest cheapskate
in the animal kingdom. </font>I heard about
someone being on a date with a guy

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and he leaned over to her plate,
took a massive bit of her food
and ate it. Did it again.

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Did it for the third time and all
she said was, "What are you doing?"
and he said, "I'm paying for it."

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Wow! <font color="white">The most magnificently cheap
thing! </font>On so many levels, that is...

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Wow! <font color="white">Staggering.
</font>So that's that dance fly.

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Others do strange things.
There are some male insects
that pretend to be female

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so that another male gives it
a present, which it then steals
and gives to another female.

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<font color="yellow">The male dance fly is the cheapest
cheapskate. What do you call someone
who never laughs? </font>That bloke.

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LAUGHTER
<font color="yellow">You're right.</font>

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<font color="yellow">He hasn't cracked a smile all
evening. </font>Might be dead. Nudge him.

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Are we looking for a phobia word?
<font color="yellow">Agelastic, meaning they don't laugh.
There are people.</font>

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It seems... <font color="cyan">They can't laugh?
</font>Well, who knows?

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There's a sort of epilepsy
where you...hahaha...a lot,

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which is an unusual affect.

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That was shocking.

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I've got an interesting
sort of Greek-type word
for something that I do sometimes

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where I can't help the urge to do
an impression of somebody.

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Sometimes if somebody's got a limp
or a funny walk, I want to...
go along with it. It's terrible.

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Apparently, when you want to take on
somebody's limp,
it's called echopraxia.

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<font color="yellow">Oh, brilliant. </font>If you do it
with words, imitating them verbally,
it's echolalia.

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That is very... Points! Points!

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<font color="yellow">Brilliant.
</font>APPLAUSE

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It's also, I think,
if I'm not mistaken, it's called
taking the piss as well.

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<font color="lime">Yeah. </font>It almost defines being human,
laughter. Animals don't laugh.
They don't put two things together.

180
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:25,160
It's very social. People tend not to
laugh on their own. Even watching
a show as hilarious as this,

181
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:31,200
at home on your own you won't laugh
in the same way, which is why
people think it's canned laughter.

182
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:36,040
You ARE laughing at bits.
It's a very social thing.

183
00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:40,960
You're showing that you get the thing
and understand. <font color="yellow">A communal thing.</font>

184
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:47,960
People said to be agelastic include
Isaac Newton, who is supposed
to have laughed once in his life.

185
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:53,960
When an apple fell on his head!
<font color="yellow">Someone asked the point of studying
Euclid and he burst out laughing.</font>

186
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:58,840
That is a good one, though.
What was he like?!

187
00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:05,320
<font color="yellow">According to Marshal Zhukov,
Stalin didn't laugh. </font>I'm amazed.
He seemed such a chirpy chap.

188
00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:12,880
Behind the moustache, he's chuckling.
<font color="yellow">Jonathan Swift and Gladstone.
</font>He was a funny writer.

189
00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:19,160
Lots of comedians don't laugh.
Lots of comedians are miserable
in real life. Not us, obviously.

190
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:23,800
The bloke on the left and the bloke
in the middle are the same.

191
00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:30,760
<font color="lime">On the left, he's been on a diet.
</font>It's an advert for the Chin Gym.

192
00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:36,400
The one on the left is Isaac Newton.
<font color="cyan">That's Newton. </font>And Jonathan Swift.

193
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:42,200
<font color="yellow">Trollope, on the other hand...
</font><font color="cyan">Couldn't stop laughing.
</font><font color="yellow">He died giggling.</font>

194
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:46,320
Didn't he work in the post office?
<font color="cyan">That's probably it. </font><font color="yellow">He did.</font>

195
00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:52,000
<font color="yellow">He invented the post-box. </font>Yes.
<font color="yellow">And lived to regret it.
</font><font color="cyan">He couldn't get out.</font>

196
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:59,720
No, he was sorry for a very odd
reason. He was very old-fashioned
about what women shouldn't do.

197
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:06,040
He hadn't anticipated that
the post office would allow women
to communicate with anyone, freely.

198
00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:13,080
Before the post-box, they would have
to go to their father or a servant
who would put the stamp on.

199
00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:19,400
Suddenly they could send their own
letters and have relationships
without their parents' consent

200
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:23,360
<font color="yellow">and he resented this.
</font>What has he done?!

201
00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:27,680
<font color="yellow">The law of unintended consequences.
</font><font color="lime">Good old Trollope.</font>

202
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:33,880
There are theories of laughter.
The superiority theory - the glory
we feel when we see someone suffer.

203
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:40,080
I believe it, but a lot of people
don't understand it. <font color="yellow">Very good.
There's the incongruity theory.</font>

204
00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:44,280
The decorous and logical abruptly
dissolves into the low and absurd.

205
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:48,840
We wouldn't farting well want that.
For example.

206
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:54,880
Not that I'd say that. The relief
theory, Freud - naughtiness
of the joke liberates the laughter

207
00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:58,800
<font color="yellow">from inhibitions about forbidden
thoughts. </font>Watching Jackass.

208
00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:04,640
<font color="yellow">You've written a book.
The Naked Jape. </font>Yeah, with my friend
Lucy, about the nature of jokes.

209
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:10,280
<font color="yellow">Have you come to a theory?
</font>There's all these different theories
from around the world.

210
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:16,120
And they're all pretty much nonsense.
They all work in the same way -
all jokes are two stories.

211
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:22,160
The first makes you make an
assumption and the second makes you
realise it was erroneous.

212
00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:29,480
An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman
go into a pub and the barman says,
"Is this some kind of joke?"

213
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:36,320
<font color="yellow">A meta joke. </font>Yeah. When I told them
I wanted to be a comedian, they
laughed. They're not laughing now.

214
00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:40,920
That's a brilliant one.
<font color="white">Monkhouse. </font>Bob Monkhouse.

215
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:45,960
It's hard when you write about comedy
to make it funny as well. Did you...?

216
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:50,400
In the end, we put a joke on every
page. Some of it's complicated.

217
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:56,880
They say analysing jokes is like
dissecting a frog - no one's
that interested and the frog dies.

218
00:18:56,880 --> 00:19:01,520
Like digging up the roots of a plant.
<font color="yellow">And killing it as you do it.</font>

219
00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:06,720
Exactly. Anyway, agelasts are people
who don't laugh at gags.

220
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:11,560
Answer me this. Who is responsible
for the oldest joke in the world?

221
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:14,360
# Give me just a little more time! #

222
00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:19,400
Well, I don't know who is
responsible for the oldest joke,

223
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:25,560
but I can tell you something quite
interesting about the subject
of the first impression,

224
00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:28,280
<font color="lime">which was Socrates. </font>Really?

225
00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:32,560
In a play by Aristophanes
called The Clouds.

226
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:38,400
The interesting thing about it
was that this portrayal resulted
in him being put on trial

227
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:43,080
and put to death
for corrupting youths.

228
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:46,600
<font color="yellow">And they used the impression
of him ... </font>As evidence.

229
00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:52,880
David Steel complains
about his Spitting Image puppet
ruining his career or whatever,

230
00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:59,640
but the first ever recorded
impression. I was doing a show about
impressions, many years ago now,

231
00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:06,520
<font color="lime">and trying to find out
were there impressions around
before recorded media. </font>Exactly.

232
00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:10,840
Were there widely-recognised
characters? Apparently, in Athens,

233
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:16,400
<font color="lime">everybody knew everybody else.
Socrates was very widely...
</font><font color="yellow">Well-known.</font>

234
00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:20,560
Presumably in the 19th century
you couldn't do Disraeli.

235
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:26,280
Too big a population and too few
people had heard them speak
to know if it was accurate.

236
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:32,720
At the Establishment Club, Harold
Macmillan went to see Peter Cook.
<font color="yellow">It was at the Fortune Theatre.</font>

237
00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:39,000
What happened was that Peter Cook
did a very famous...the first time
a Prime Minister had been done.

238
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,040
Of Supermac.

239
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:44,840
ALL DO MACMILLAN IMPRESSIONS

240
00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:51,280
AS PETER COOK AS MACMILLAN:
<font color="yellow">He went to see the German
Chancellor, Herr...here and there...</font>

241
00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:56,320
And... And how Britain could act
as an honest broker in the world.

242
00:20:56,320 --> 00:21:01,160
No nation is more honest
and no nation is broker.

243
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:07,600
Someone said to me it was illegal
to impersonate a real person.
<font color="lime">It was until 1968.</font>

244
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:13,760
There was a fellow called
the Lord Chamberlain
whose job was to censor plays.

245
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:17,560
<font color="lime">That Act was the fault
of impressionists. </font>Really?

246
00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:21,600
Robert Walpole in 1737,
who set it up,

247
00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:27,240
he was fed up with having the mickey
taken out of him
by these satirical playwrights,

248
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:34,120
<font color="lime">so he set up the Lord Chamberlain's
Act so they couldn't. All that time
ago... </font>And the Establishment Club

249
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:37,800
didn't have to submit a script,
as a private member's club.

250
00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:43,440
And latterly it became the living
monarch rather than politicians.
It relaxed a bit.

251
00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:47,680
<font color="yellow">You'd never do the living monarch.
</font>AS THE QUEEN: <font color="lime">No, I never would.</font>

252
00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:50,400
Not in a million years.

253
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:54,960
Well, these are all excellent.
There's a joke here,

254
00:21:54,960 --> 00:22:01,040
which is a pretty old Greek joke.
There was an absent-minded professor
who was on a sea voyage

255
00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:05,320
when a storm blows up and his slaves
are weeping in terror.

256
00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:09,440
He says, "Don't cry, I have freed
you all in my will." That's a joke.

257
00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:11,480
Slave-related humour there.

258
00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:16,720
The Abderites were stereotyped
as being incredibly stupid.

259
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:22,680
This is really frustrating.
This is joke 114
in the Philogelos, the joke book.

260
00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:27,320
This Abderite asks a eunuch
how many children he has.

261
00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:31,360
You see? And the eunuch goes,
"Duh! None. I'm a eunuch."

262
00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:36,920
So the Abderite says...
And the fragment is missing.
We don't have the punchline.

263
00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:40,920
So...I'm inviting you
to provide the punchline.

264
00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:45,480
"How many children have you got?"
"I don't have any. I'm a eunuch."

265
00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:49,640
The Abderite, who's thick, says...
<font color="white">How many grandchildren? </font>Very good!

266
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:53,840
<font color="yellow">"Excellent. How many grandchildren?"
</font>APPLAUSE

267
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:57,120
I like working with old material.

268
00:22:57,120 --> 00:23:02,960
The oldest joke I found
that still sort of works,
and I've seen it performed on stage,

269
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:08,600
is an old Greek joke.
A barber says to a man,
"How do you want your hair cut?"

270
00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:11,240
And the man says, "In silence."

271
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:14,240
It still kind of works.

272
00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:16,600
<font color="yellow">Very good. </font>That's an old one.

273
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:22,520
There's a much older one.
A Sumerian one from 1,900 BC,
which is really pretty old.

274
00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:26,560
Something that has never occurred
since time immemorial -

275
00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:31,200
a young woman did not fart
in her husband's lap.

276
00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:38,480
Don't open with it, Stephen,
don't open with it.
Work it into the set somewhere.

277
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:43,000
Time immemorial in those days
was a week last Tuesday.

278
00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:47,760
An old English one is what is
the most cleanliest leaf?

279
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:53,600
<font color="yellow">Holly leaves, for no one
will wipe their arse with them.
</font>LAUGHTER

280
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:56,040
Humour was about farts and bottoms.

281
00:23:56,040 --> 00:24:00,640
<font color="yellow">We've moved on from there.
</font><font color="lime">Thank God for that.</font>

282
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:04,720
Farting in the lap? I don't...?
Was everyone doing it?

283
00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:11,920
<font color="yellow">For the first time, a young woman
did NOT fart in his lap. </font>So women
probably weren't allowed chairs.

284
00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:17,080
Chairs were expensive. The woman
would be on his lap and would fart.

285
00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:24,440
<font color="yellow">Once there was a woman who didn't
and it was worthy of report.
</font><font color="cyan">"She hasn't farted! Ha ha!"</font>

286
00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:27,080
A very interesting joke.

287
00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:31,520
Here is a good gag. What sort of
person wears one of these?

288
00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:33,000
Lord!

289
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:38,040
You can try it on yourself
if you like. It's got little...

290
00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:42,760
<font color="cyan">The sound of polystyrene! Ah! Ah!
</font><font color="yellow">There you are. Sorry.</font>

291
00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:46,400
<font color="cyan">Oh, this is a tongue thing. </font>Yeah.

292
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:53,680
This is to stop... I can't remember
what it's called. They've got one
of these in the Museum of Torture.

293
00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:56,200
You can open the side somehow.

294
00:24:56,200 --> 00:25:00,240
<font color="yellow">That bit goes in the mouth.
</font><font color="cyan">It stops your lady talking.</font>

295
00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:03,760
<font color="yellow">That's it.
</font>Would Pony Boy come in this answer?

296
00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:06,800
Pony Boy? <font color="white">Yes. </font>Excuse me?!

297
00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:11,240
That's it. Oh, I say.
Fits you rather well.

298
00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:17,680
You sounded like you were having
an idea then, Stephen!

299
00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:22,960
<font color="cyan">It was quite disconcerting.
</font>Giddy-up!

300
00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:29,800
"You've given me a thought there,
Alan, I must say. Have him scrubbed
and brought to my room."

301
00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:31,680
LAUGHTER

302
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:34,200
Don't bother to have him scrubbed.

303
00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:42,680
<font color="yellow">They're called, does anybody know?
</font>MUFFLED: <font color="cyan">A witch's cradle.</font>

304
00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:45,040
<font color="yellow">So close. </font>A witch's cradle.

305
00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:47,680
MUFFLED: <font color="cyan">I can't talk!</font>

306
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:53,080
What's the answer, Alan?
Let's do the letters. One for yes...

307
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:55,120
Is it A? <font color="cyan">Uh-uh.</font>

308
00:25:56,240 --> 00:26:01,560
<font color="yellow">It's... </font>Is it a device used for pigs
when they are constipated?

309
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:02,640
Ohhh(!)

310
00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:11,440
Sorry, Alan. I probably should have
said before. What they do is
strap it on and ram it home.

311
00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:15,800
It's a sort of
chastity belt for the face?

312
00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:19,240
<font color="yellow">Known as a scold's bridle.
</font><font color="cyan">Scold's bridle!</font>

313
00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:24,200
Was she ducked in the river?
Get it before he says it!

314
00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:30,600
You were ducked in the water?
<font color="yellow">The more common punishment was
a cucking stool, not ducking stool.</font>

315
00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:35,440
<font color="yellow">It is actually a cucking stool.
</font>"Excuse me! That's the wrong word!

316
00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:39,760
"Get me off the cucking stool!"

317
00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:43,240
So who had to wear one?
Other than Alan.

318
00:26:43,240 --> 00:26:46,880
Nagging and malicious, spiteful,
gossipy women.

319
00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:52,240
The male equivalent is barratry.
A barrator was a male equivalent.

320
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:56,880
There are no real records of these
being used. There are 50 in Britain.

321
00:26:56,880 --> 00:27:01,000
This is the replica of one
that comes from Walton on Thames.

322
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:06,040
<font color="yellow">Look at that. Extraordinary.
</font>Makes her look like a dog as well!

323
00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:11,440
That second one's not practical.
Is that the front or the back
of the head?

324
00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:16,720
That's the male version.
See the beard? For a barrator.

325
00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:19,160
There you are.

326
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:25,720
<font color="yellow">A bit of fun with genetics now. What
do you get if you cross a butterfly
with a caterpillar? </font>A butterpillar.

327
00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:27,960
<font color="yellow">Oh!
</font>HOOTER

328
00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:36,800
Should have said the other one.
<font color="cyan">Caterfly. </font>Oh!

329
00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:38,840
HOOTER

330
00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:43,120
I feel such a fool!

331
00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:49,960
I'm reading a book at the moment
about a very, very hungry
caterpillar...

332
00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:56,960
I might know where it's going,
but I don't want to spoil it.

333
00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:01,280
Are you saying a species reproduces
halfway through its life cycle?

334
00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:06,080
No, there is a theory which is that
actually they are different species.

335
00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:11,360
<font color="yellow">I know it sounds insane. </font>What he's
done there is he's not understood.

336
00:28:11,360 --> 00:28:18,320
Fair enough because it is complicated
and you might not...
Was it Alan who put this forward?

337
00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:23,920
I'll tell you.
Donald Williamson, formerly
of the University of Liverpool.

338
00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:28,760
It's called hybridogenesis. It does
seem pretty off the wall, but...

339
00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:33,960
<font color="yellow">..he has some...
</font>That's a fantastic idea, though.

340
00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:40,000
But sometimes you see an old guy
in St Tropez with a beautiful young
girl and think a similar thing.

341
00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:45,720
Maybe the caterpillars had a lot
of money. <font color="lime">No such thing as
an ugly rich bloke. </font><font color="yellow">Williamson,</font>

342
00:28:45,720 --> 00:28:52,280
his star witness was Luidia sarsi,
which starts life as a small larva
with a tiny starfish inside.

343
00:28:52,280 --> 00:28:58,240
As the larva grows, the starfish
migrates to the outside
and they separate. This is normal.

344
00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:02,280
But in this one, instead of
degenerating, the larva swims off

345
00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:06,200
and lives for several months
as an independent animal.

346
00:29:06,200 --> 00:29:11,400
It's like the caterpillar and
butterfly alive at the same time.

347
00:29:11,400 --> 00:29:15,320
His point is that for millions
of years, particularly in the sea,

348
00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:19,960
sperm and seed have been mixed,
hundreds of thousands of species,

349
00:29:19,960 --> 00:29:26,400
and just once every million years,
happen to create a double species.
He thinks it's not impossible.

350
00:29:26,400 --> 00:29:29,400
We're intrigued by the possibility.

351
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:33,040
Other candidates are
the tadpole and the frog,

352
00:29:33,040 --> 00:29:37,480
but why did Luigi from Bologna
galvanise his frogs?

353
00:29:37,480 --> 00:29:41,320
# Gimme, gimme, gimme! #
We've had a clue from Jimmy.

354
00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:45,320
He invented the idea of putting
electricity through frogs.

355
00:29:45,320 --> 00:29:51,960
Do you know his surname?
<font color="white">It's something like Galvan.
Some Italian... </font>Galvani.

356
00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:55,360
Hence... <font color="white">Galvanisation. </font>Exactly.

357
00:29:55,360 --> 00:30:01,560
And his nephew, his star pupil,
came over to England and
demonstrated all round Europe.

358
00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:06,200
He took the Royal College
of Surgeons by storm in 1803

359
00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:13,200
when he convulsed the body
of a murderer called George Foster.
<font color="white">Sorry, he did what? </font>Convulsed.

360
00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:17,200
<font color="yellow">With electricity. The dead body.
</font>To spark him to life again.

361
00:30:17,200 --> 00:30:21,520
<font color="yellow">He'd just been hanged. </font>That was
Britain's Got Talent in what year?

362
00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:26,200
That's a hell of an act.
Even Piers Morgan will like that.

363
00:30:26,200 --> 00:30:33,080
Rods were applied to Foster's mouth
and ear. The jaw quivered and one
eye opened and when a rod was moved

364
00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:37,200
to touch the rectum, the whole body
convulsed like reanimation.

365
00:30:37,200 --> 00:30:40,240
Well, it would, wouldn't it?

366
00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:44,080
<font color="yellow">It made a strong impression...
</font>Of course it did!

367
00:30:44,080 --> 00:30:50,000
Why a murderer? "I've got a murderer.
We're going to bring him back
to life." And he went, "Sorry!"

368
00:30:50,000 --> 00:30:56,960
The point is... <font color="white">It shows the nerves
use electricity to work. </font>Previously,
they thought it was pneumatic power.

369
00:30:56,960 --> 00:31:02,640
Also, Mary Shelley read about this
and the idea that electricity was
the life force,

370
00:31:02,640 --> 00:31:09,640
the thing that gave us life. And
she, of course, wrote Frankenstein,
which DOESN'T use electricity.

371
00:31:09,640 --> 00:31:14,720
It does in the films. <font color="yellow">It does.
</font>Very weird book. This murderer guy,

372
00:31:14,720 --> 00:31:20,200
did they ask his permission before
they hanged him? "Do you mind?"

373
00:31:20,200 --> 00:31:27,560
<font color="yellow">I sadly doubt it. I fear not.
</font><font color="lime">Did he have a donor card?
</font>He might have got a lesser sentence.

374
00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:30,120
"We'll hang you slightly quicker..."

375
00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:34,640
But galvanised iron in a galvanised
bucket, how does that work?

376
00:31:34,640 --> 00:31:40,200
You must run electricity through it
so it attracts other metals...
<font color="yellow">You'd think.</font>

377
00:31:40,200 --> 00:31:45,320
How do buckets work? You put stuff
in it. <font color="yellow">Galvanised buckets. </font>Same way.

378
00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:51,280
It's coated with zinc, which resists
corrosion. Nothing to do with it.
It's a misnomer entirely.

379
00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:55,680
Luigi Galvani discovered that
electric shocks make muscles twitch,

380
00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:59,640
leading people to wonder if it
contained the gift of life.

381
00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:04,080
Now something disconnected.
Where are 1% of American adults?

382
00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:09,360
We could find out. Use Google Earth.
Some of them are quite big.

383
00:32:09,360 --> 00:32:13,720
<font color="yellow">You could. </font>"There's one.
He's got his own postcode."

384
00:32:13,720 --> 00:32:18,000
<font color="yellow">1% - what's the population?
</font>300 million, isn't it?

385
00:32:18,000 --> 00:32:22,360
<font color="yellow">So you're talking about
2.5-3 million. </font>Jail!

386
00:32:22,360 --> 00:32:27,920
<font color="yellow">Yes! G for gaol. English spelling
of jail, of course. G for gaol.
</font><font color="cyan">That many people?</font>

387
00:32:27,920 --> 00:32:31,800
<font color="cyan">3 million people are locked up?
</font><font color="yellow">2.3.</font>

388
00:32:31,800 --> 00:32:36,200
<font color="yellow">One in every 99.1 adults.
</font>All of those guys are innocent.

389
00:32:36,200 --> 00:32:42,280
They were arrested for having
switchblades, but only have one arm!
<font color="yellow">Well spotted!</font>

390
00:32:42,280 --> 00:32:43,880
APPLAUSE

391
00:32:45,400 --> 00:32:51,440
The proportion is more than twice
as many as South Africa, more than
three times as many as the Iranians,

392
00:32:51,440 --> 00:32:58,480
more than six times as many as
the Chinese. No society in history
has imprisoned more citizens.

393
00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:03,840
But we top the European league.
<font color="yellow">We're ahead of China, Turkey
and India. </font>Yes.

394
00:33:03,840 --> 00:33:06,520
148 prisoners per 100,000.

395
00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:10,240
It's three strikes and they're out.
<font color="yellow">That's the problem.</font>

396
00:33:10,240 --> 00:33:14,080
A legal system based on baseball(!)
It just seems bizarre.

397
00:33:14,080 --> 00:33:19,720
"You don't understand the law.
It's complicated. What's simple?
Baseball!

398
00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:24,960
"Right, then. Here's the rules..."
<font color="yellow">Three strikes and you're out.</font>

399
00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:31,000
If the first two crimes you're
convicted of are serious enough,
the third, no matter how trivial,

400
00:33:31,000 --> 00:33:35,120
will get a life sentence,
25 years or more.

401
00:33:35,120 --> 00:33:41,320
Leandro Andrade is serving
two consecutive 25-year terms
for shoplifting nine videotapes.

402
00:33:41,320 --> 00:33:47,760
He took nine?! <font color="yellow">Yes. Kevin Weber,
26 years for stealing four chocolate
chip cookies. It's astonishing.</font>

403
00:33:47,760 --> 00:33:52,120
It's really stupid. You know
you're on this sort of deal...

404
00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:54,360
Take five! <font color="yellow">That is the idea.</font>

405
00:33:54,360 --> 00:33:56,560
Go nuts!
< Do another murder!

406
00:33:56,560 --> 00:34:00,880
Do a bank job.
<font color="yellow">No point in doing anything trivial.</font>

407
00:34:00,880 --> 00:34:08,360
It is a bit bonkers. The racial and
gender numbers are worrying. One
in 30 men aged 20-34 is behind bars.

408
00:34:08,360 --> 00:34:12,080
But for black males
it's one in nine. One in nine.

409
00:34:12,080 --> 00:34:16,920
There are more 17-year-old black
people in gaol than in college.

410
00:34:16,920 --> 00:34:21,320
5% of the world are American,
25% of all prisoners are American.

411
00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:26,320
Isn't there controversy with the
business end of it? <font color="yellow">It is a business.</font>

412
00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:32,800
They make loads of stuff.
<font color="yellow">Well, one thing I should have said
when talking about contraband</font>

413
00:34:32,800 --> 00:34:37,640
is you're not allowed to bring in
to America anything made in prisons,

414
00:34:37,640 --> 00:34:41,600
but in America you can almost say,
if you are so minded,

415
00:34:41,600 --> 00:34:47,440
that they've re-invented the slave
trade. They produce, for example,
100% of all military helmets,

416
00:34:47,440 --> 00:34:51,320
ammunition belts, bulletproof vests,
ID tags and other items.

417
00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:58,040
93% of domestically produced paints,
36% of home appliances,
21% of office furniture,

418
00:34:58,040 --> 00:35:05,440
which allows the US to compete
with factories in Mexico.
The workers can't refuse to work.

419
00:35:05,440 --> 00:35:12,080
I'd like to say something hilarious,
but something must be done.
It's more Question Time-y tonight.

420
00:35:12,080 --> 00:35:16,360
<font color="yellow">It is a bit amazing. </font>Extraordinary.
It's slavery by the back door.

421
00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:18,800
<font color="yellow">Exactly. </font>Another video I've got.

422
00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:21,400
LAUGHTER

423
00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:24,120
Ohhh! You found the joke.

424
00:35:24,120 --> 00:35:31,080
<font color="cyan">If you're in prison, is there an
incentive for you to work? </font>You get
solitary confinement if you refuse.

425
00:35:31,960 --> 00:35:36,000
More than one in 100 American adults
are in jail.

426
00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:42,240
Now we're off to another location
beginning with G. Why didn't
the Emperor of China like pigeons?

427
00:35:42,240 --> 00:35:45,240
A pigeon flew into my house today.

428
00:35:45,240 --> 00:35:49,560
Pigeon flu?! <font color="cyan">No, a pigeon...
</font>Oh, I see. Sorry.

429
00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:56,400
Was this the terracotta army chap?
He wouldn't want the pigeons
to come and splash them.

430
00:35:56,400 --> 00:36:01,040
Do you think the terracotta army
was a mistake?

431
00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:05,040
He meant the territorial army!
That's what he tried to say.

432
00:36:05,040 --> 00:36:12,760
<font color="yellow">Amongst other gifts that pigeons
have, one is... </font>Message carrying.
<font color="yellow">Because? </font>They come back.

433
00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:18,400
So criminals used pigeons,
basically,
against property of the Emperor,

434
00:36:18,400 --> 00:36:22,440
namely his granaries.
He had huge rice granaries.

435
00:36:22,440 --> 00:36:28,360
What these people would do is
they'd train hundreds of pigeons
to fly to the granaries,

436
00:36:28,360 --> 00:36:32,840
they'd eat all the rice, or as much
as they could carry, then fly home.

437
00:36:32,840 --> 00:36:38,160
Then they'd be fed water and alum,
which made them disgorge the rice,

438
00:36:38,160 --> 00:36:45,040
<font color="yellow">which would be washed. And they
could get 50lbs from 100 pigeons.
</font>Can't they just eat the pigeons?

439
00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:51,480
<font color="yellow">I bet they did that as well.
</font><font color="lime">It would be like stuffed pigeon
with a sort of risotto thing...</font>

440
00:36:51,480 --> 00:36:55,720
It's only one meal, though.
Don't shoot the messenger.

441
00:36:55,720 --> 00:37:01,200
<font color="yellow">That's it.
</font>That's a pretty ingenious crime,
though. Did they get caught?

442
00:37:01,200 --> 00:37:05,200
I don't know.
I just simply don't know.

443
00:37:05,200 --> 00:37:10,840
I once was given a pair
of homing pigeons. They fly back
to where you bought them from!

444
00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:13,960
It's a brilliant scam!

445
00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:23,120
Chinese homing pigeons were used
to steal grain. With 100 pigeons,
you could steal 50lbs of rice a day.

446
00:37:23,120 --> 00:37:26,720
It's General Ignorance time.
Fingers on buzzers.

447
00:37:26,720 --> 00:37:31,520
What mischief did Cornish wreckers
get up to?

448
00:37:31,520 --> 00:37:34,440
I imagine it involved the gene pool.

449
00:37:34,440 --> 00:37:38,240
# Give me just a little more time! #
<font color="yellow">Jan? </font><font color="lime">They lit fires</font>

450
00:37:38,240 --> 00:37:43,240
and lured boats onto the rocks
by pretending... Is that...?

451
00:37:43,240 --> 00:37:45,680
HOOTER
<font color="yellow">Oh, dear!</font>

452
00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:48,280
You're thinking of mermaids.

453
00:37:48,280 --> 00:37:55,080
<font color="cyan">I was totally sold on that idea.
</font><font color="yellow">That is the myth. They didn't.
No record of it ever happening.</font>

454
00:37:55,080 --> 00:37:58,120
No contemporary source mentions it.

455
00:37:58,120 --> 00:38:04,360
<font color="yellow">There was one accusation in Anglesey
but that turned out not...
</font>Weren't people hanged for this?

456
00:38:04,360 --> 00:38:06,920
<font color="yellow">No. No record of it. </font>Never happened?

457
00:38:06,920 --> 00:38:12,120
<font color="yellow">Only in novels like... </font>Jamaica Inn.
<font color="yellow">Jamaica Inn. </font>By Daphne du Maurier.

458
00:38:12,120 --> 00:38:15,720
Which you know all about.
You won Celebrity Mastermind.

459
00:38:15,720 --> 00:38:20,160
<font color="yellow">What was your specialist subject?
</font><font color="lime">Daphne du Maurier, curiously.</font>

460
00:38:20,160 --> 00:38:24,320
But I'm very surprised at this,
actually.

461
00:38:24,320 --> 00:38:29,640
It was invented, many people
believe, by Methodist preachers

462
00:38:29,640 --> 00:38:34,360
and taken up by Victorian romantic
novelists and Daphne du Maurier.

463
00:38:34,360 --> 00:38:41,320
The stuff you learn on here. <font color="yellow">Repeated
by Rev Sabine Baring-Gould, who
wrote Onward, Christian Soldiers,</font>

464
00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:45,840
and was the subject of a strange
story. He was at a children's party

465
00:38:45,840 --> 00:38:52,520
and he said, "Whose little girl are
you?" and the little girl burst into
tears and said, "Yours, Daddy!"

466
00:38:52,520 --> 00:38:56,160
He did have 15 children,
but it's shocking.

467
00:38:56,160 --> 00:39:02,200
Nearly as bad as the comedian
who did an act. An agent approached
and said, "You're very good.

468
00:39:02,200 --> 00:39:06,440
"Do you have representation? Who's
your agent?" He said, "You are!"

469
00:39:06,440 --> 00:39:08,840
LAUGHTER

470
00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:15,480
Oh, dear. Edward James, the great
art collector, recalled in his
autobiography his mother shouting,

471
00:39:15,480 --> 00:39:20,120
"Nanny! I'm going to church. I want
one of my daughters to go with me."

472
00:39:20,120 --> 00:39:24,160
The nanny said, "Very good,
Mrs James. Which one?"

473
00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:28,600
"Oh, the one with the red hair.
She'll go with this coat."

474
00:39:31,920 --> 00:39:37,960
There you go. Anyway, it seems,
sadly, that wreckers made a living
salvaging stuff from shipwrecks,

475
00:39:37,960 --> 00:39:42,280
but there's no evidence that
they lured ships onto the rocks.

476
00:39:42,280 --> 00:39:45,560
How could Archimedes
have moved the Earth?

477
00:39:45,560 --> 00:39:52,200
# Gimme all your lovin'! #
He could have made love to me
like a wild man.

478
00:39:52,200 --> 00:39:59,920
# Gimme, gimme, gimme! #
Didn't he say he wanted a fulcrum
big enough and then a lever?

479
00:39:59,920 --> 00:40:04,760
HOOTER
<font color="yellow">But he couldn't have done it.
</font>I'm only quoting him!

480
00:40:04,760 --> 00:40:09,680
<font color="yellow">He said...
</font>He's your best available source.

481
00:40:09,680 --> 00:40:14,000
The best way to move the Earth
is a montage with a Coldplay song.

482
00:40:15,000 --> 00:40:19,840
Some sporting achievements
and maybe Take That's Greatest Day.

483
00:40:19,840 --> 00:40:24,600
You'll say next Archimedes' screw
wasn't up to much. <font color="yellow">I'm sure it was.</font>

484
00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:27,920
<font color="yellow">He did say...
</font>SPEAKS IN GREEK

485
00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:33,600
"Give me a place to stand and I will
move the Earth." He discovered
the power of the lever.

486
00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:36,360
He was big, wasn't he?

487
00:40:36,360 --> 00:40:42,400
One of our elves worked out
that if he weighed 100kg,
which is reasonable, I suppose,

488
00:40:42,400 --> 00:40:47,160
and placed his fulcrum a kilometre
from the bottom of the Earth,

489
00:40:47,160 --> 00:40:52,600
to balance the planet
he'd need a lever
6.5 billion light years long.

490
00:40:52,600 --> 00:41:00,040
Assuming he moved his end one metre,
the Earth would move by less than
the diameter of a single proton.

491
00:41:00,040 --> 00:41:04,680
He wasn't to be taken literally,
Stephen, for goodness' sake!

492
00:41:04,680 --> 00:41:10,720
I'm being penalised for you taking
his words as though he meant it.
He was merely...

493
00:41:10,720 --> 00:41:15,320
<font color="yellow">I'm asking how he could have.
</font>Who is he on the phone to?

494
00:41:16,280 --> 00:41:19,480
"This isn't working."

495
00:41:19,480 --> 00:41:22,960
"Is that Socrates?
I saw a play about you..."

496
00:41:22,960 --> 00:41:25,120
"Just leave it, mate."

497
00:41:26,080 --> 00:41:33,000
Can we all move the Earth
when we walk around? In a literal
sense. Does it move a little bit?

498
00:41:33,000 --> 00:41:38,800
<font color="yellow">Well... </font>They say if everyone
in China at the same time jumped
up and down, they'd be livid.

499
00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:43,760
He's saying, "Did you put my toga in
with that red towel?"

500
00:41:49,240 --> 00:41:53,800
No, if you jump up,
according to Newtonian insight,

501
00:41:53,800 --> 00:42:00,240
you could move the Earth by a tiny
amount, but it would cancel itself
out under the Third Law of Motion.

502
00:42:00,240 --> 00:42:07,880
The jumping up and down would cancel
itself out. <font color="white">So all that effort
is a complete waste of time. </font>It is.

503
00:42:07,880 --> 00:42:14,520
Speaking literally. <font color="yellow">Archimedes would
have moved the Earth more by jumping
than by using a lever.</font>

504
00:42:14,520 --> 00:42:18,800
This is all we have time for this
week. The scores - oh, my goodness!

505
00:42:18,800 --> 00:42:23,640
Our winner is, for the first time,
Jan Ravens with six points!

506
00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:26,280
APPLAUSE
<font color="yellow">Plus six!</font>

507
00:42:30,360 --> 00:42:34,000
In second, with minus seven,
Jimmy Carr!

508
00:42:34,000 --> 00:42:37,440
APPLAUSE
I'll take that!

509
00:42:38,240 --> 00:42:42,880
In third place, with minus 14,
Clive Anderson!

510
00:42:42,880 --> 00:42:46,120
That's not bad.
APPLAUSE

511
00:42:46,120 --> 00:42:51,000
I'm afraid that means
this week's loser is Alan

512
00:42:51,000 --> 00:42:53,440
with minus 18!

513
00:42:53,440 --> 00:42:55,280
APPLAUSE

514
00:42:59,600 --> 00:43:03,560
That's it from Jan, Jimmy,
Clive, Alan and me.

515
00:43:03,560 --> 00:43:09,600
The actress Tallulah Bankhead was
in a stall in the ladies lavatory
and heard someone in the next one.

516
00:43:09,600 --> 00:43:16,040
She said, "Honey, I got no paper in
here. Is there some in your stall?"
The woman said, "I'm afraid not."

517
00:43:16,040 --> 00:43:21,880
"Could you check by the hand basins
for paper towels?"
The woman says, "I can't see any."

518
00:43:21,880 --> 00:43:27,160
Tallulah says, "In that case,
have you got two tens for a twenty?"
Good night.

519
00:43:39,600 --> 00:43:43,640
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for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2010

520
00:43:44,600 --> 00:43:47,240
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