1
00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:27,560
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

2
00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:36,280
You know when you find a bee
and it's crawling on its last legs?
I rescue them. Give it honey.

3
00:00:36,280 --> 00:00:40,360
It's the only thing they eat. It
makes sense when you think about it.

4
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:42,360
Yeah, yeah!

5
00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:48,560
No point just talking to it.
Give it honey. They're very much
a one recipe species.

6
00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:54,000
I'm intrigued because I generally
give it the sole of my shoe, but...

7
00:00:54,000 --> 00:01:00,240
Not to be harsh, but you know.
You'd tread on a struggling,
crawling bee?

8
00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:03,160
As opposed to rehabilitate it?!

9
00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:07,840
I like honey. I have it
on my porridge, you murderer.

10
00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:11,520
We depend on bees.
We need the bees.

11
00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:16,600
So in future I should lure it back?
Do I get a syringe of honey?

12
00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:20,640
How do I feed it? A teaspoon
of honey. Don't tread on it.

13
00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:23,480
You should be arrested.
LAUGHTER

14
00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:26,640
You should be locked up...in a hive.

15
00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:33,480
Isn't it true, though,
that a bee in his entire lifetime
makes a tiny amount of honey?

16
00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:39,720
I mean, just the minutest amount.
But there's lots of them. You don't
have to give much honey to this bee

17
00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:43,600
before the world is making
a net loss.

18
00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:45,560
That's true.

19
00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:51,600
It's useless. If you only get
one teaspoon of honey
from a whole bee's lifetime

20
00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:57,200
and every time
it takes a teaspoon and a half,
suddenly there's no honey at all!

21
00:01:57,200 --> 00:02:03,240
This is more honey than this bee
has seen in its life. It's insulting
it, apart from anything else.

22
00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:08,320
Like showing a very tired mason
a whole cathedral!
LAUGHTER

23
00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:11,640
May...
APPLAUSE

24
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:19,520
Well, let's say you're
in between Alan and Dara.

25
00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:25,760
Like Alan you want to help the bee,
but like Dara you also want
to kill, kill, kill,

26
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:31,360
what you can do is get
what I would term too much honey
and you see the bee

27
00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:35,800
and you pour molten honey... No!
Hear me out. OK.

28
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:41,440
And then you watch him die a slow...
Yes, I carry on with NO!

29
00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:45,720
I've now heard you out. Yes.
And it's no better.

30
00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:48,240
That's much worse than what I did!

31
00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:52,640
You're being humane? Yeah! You're
not. You get a kick out of it.

32
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:56,800
Drowning the bee ironically
in honey...

33
00:02:56,800 --> 00:03:01,600
You can't drown bees!
"Is this too much honey?"

34
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:06,600
DAVID:
"Not so keen on the honey now,
are you?"

35
00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:15,040
You may try to drown bees,
but I will follow you and...
It wasn't him wanting to drown them.

36
00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:19,680
Yes, it was! He's a bee drowner.
I'd smash them with a hammer.

37
00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:25,080
He wanted to tread on it.
If there's a bee in a bath,
I don't go, "Get the shoe!"

38
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:27,920
Splishy! Splashy! Very good.

39
00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:34,080
Well, thank you for that...
interesting, fierce and,
I think, productive debate.

40
00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:40,840
I did one of those Royal Command
Performances many years ago.

41
00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:44,880
Anthony Newley wrote a song
for the end that we had to do.

42
00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:48,920
It had the gorgeous line,
"At the London Palladium,

43
00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:51,160
"the P-A-double L-adium,

44
00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:56,440
"the super starry stadium
that showbiz calls home."

45
00:03:56,440 --> 00:04:03,080
Ah, Newley. Brilliant.
# The London Palladium... # I'd
throw myself in the orchestra pit.

46
00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:05,120
"Who's with me?"

47
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:10,880
And you do that thing...
Is there a word for it musically?
BLEEP ..Yeah!

48
00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:12,920
For what I'm about to mention?

49
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:16,360
# That showbiz calls home
Have a banana!

50
00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:19,400
# That showbiz calls home
And I love it!

51
00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:24,200
# That showbiz calls home! #
What is that?

52
00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:26,640
The annoying coda. Yeah.

53
00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:31,240
I don't know what we're talking
about any more. I've lost track.

54
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:36,840
Who's this Newley man?
Anthony Newley. Anthony Newley.

55
00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:40,960
He used to sing with 100 syllables.
# Aa-oh-aaah... #

56
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:45,400
And David Bowie stole his voice,
of course. Yeah, exactly!

57
00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:51,520
And he was the first... Well,
not the first, but a very early
Artful Dodger.

58
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:56,000
He was one of the first.
# Aa-oh-aah... #

59
00:04:56,000 --> 00:05:02,280
One of the most successful British
showbiz people of all time.
Won Oscars, Tonys, wrote Goldfinger.

60
00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:06,480
There's a story, because
Tony Newley told me himself...

61
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:08,400
Ah-oh-aah...!

62
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:15,640
You haven't got a tie on, Danny.
He won the Oscar for Goldfinger
in '64 or '65.

63
00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:21,680
And he was up against Henry Mancini.
And he was at the Oscars.
He said, "Dan, if you ever win..."

64
00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:27,040
I'm doing Max Bygraves! "Dan, if you
ever win an Oscar, and you will..."

65
00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:33,280
He said the first thing you want to
do is go straight to the toilets
and look at yourself in the mirror.

66
00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:37,520
He said, "I was in the toilets
and I'd just won for Goldfinger
and Henry Mancini came in

67
00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:41,560
"and he said, 'Where did you get
that melody? It's brilliant.'"

68
00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:45,720
"Thank you!" Then he thought, "Oh!
He won last year for Moon River."

69
00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:47,760
# Moon river... #

70
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:51,640
"I just won for..."
# Goldfinger! #

71
00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:56,640
But Henry Mancini, gentleman
that he was, just left him with that.

72
00:05:56,640 --> 00:06:01,720
He wrote the MUSIC for Goldfinger?
Yeah. I thought you meant the film.

73
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:05,720
Would you like a cup of cocoa, dear?

74
00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:12,840
If cryogenics takes off, it might
benefit you to commit suicide. Why?

75
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:17,320
Die young, then get brought back
looking the same. Do it again...

76
00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:22,600
True. So you get a couple of years,
top yourself, get frozen again.

77
00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:29,200
Why not just freeze yourself?
Why top yourself AND freeze yourself
in the hope they'd cured suicide?

78
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:33,840
Some day medical science will have
moved on to have found some way

79
00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:40,880
of dealing with massive gunshot
wounds to the head! Then I'll score
because I'll look great...

80
00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:45,640
Is the idea that every decade
you have a couple of good years?

81
00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:48,440
Why would you even do that?

82
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:54,200
Then come back in 100 years' time,
see what it's like, top yourself,
come back in another 100...

83
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:56,960
You're not getting my point!
LAUGHTER

84
00:06:56,960 --> 00:07:00,200
You started it with serial suicide!

85
00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:07,120
Why do you have to top yourself
first?! Because you get frozen when
you're dead! Not when you're alive.

86
00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:12,480
They freeze you when you're alive.
When you're alive?! Yeah.

87
00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:18,200
How can you be so shocked?
"When you're alive?!
Kill yourself first!"

88
00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:25,080
There's got to be a moment of death
to quickly whip your brain out,
like with people's organs.

89
00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:29,520
I don't think they're allowed
to freeze you when you're alive.

90
00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:35,760
They say it's so you can wake up
in the future, but, in fact,
the freezing would kill you.

91
00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:40,280
No, I'm thinking... But with
Alan's plan you'd already be dead.

92
00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:45,040
And then they take your brain out -
that's something else he said -

93
00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:49,840
and 100 years on they put the brain
back in. "You'd look great."

94
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:52,440
LAUGHTER

95
00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:58,040
It's going to work!

96
00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:05,880
Why would you not want
Private Gwilym Jenkins
of the Royal Welsh Regiment

97
00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:08,240
guarding your rose bushes?

98
00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:11,120
Sean? He's a goat.

99
00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:13,880
Is the right answer!

100
00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:16,520
APPLAUSE
Very good.

101
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,120
Very good.

102
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:25,080
Yep. Oh, he's a beauty. You knew
that or it was an inspired guess?

103
00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:31,280
No, I knew that.
Various regiments were conjoined
a few years ago. And there he is.

104
00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:37,240
Isn't he fine? Looks like Satan.
From the royal herd at Windsor.
He's... What?

105
00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:40,280
He said he looks like Satan.

106
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:46,480
Satan in the '70s, you know.
He does a bit. You're right.

107
00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:51,360
There's a regiment in Norway where
there's a general who's a penguin.

108
00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:54,880
You're right again!
He was honoured.

109
00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:59,800
He was honoured in Edinburgh, of
all places. Or inspected the troops.

110
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:07,000
A penguin did?! He wanders up and
down, with a thing round his neck...
Looking up the kilts.

111
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:11,320
Could be. No.
What was this thing round his neck?

112
00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:15,480
They couldn't pin a medal on him.
Some seal of office.

113
00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:18,280
A seal as well?!
LAUGHTER

114
00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:27,480
Wow. We've got a seal, a penguin...
But other regimental mascots
include... The Irish Guards?

115
00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:29,560
Leprechaun. A big dog.

116
00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:32,240
BILL: A goldfish.

117
00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:34,600
One of those Irish dogs.

118
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:39,040
A wolfhound? Thank you.
An Irish wolfhound, indeed.

119
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:43,480
The Argyll and Sutherland
Highlanders? A big cow! A haggis!

120
00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:47,560
No. Pekinese.

121
00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:50,400
A tiger! A big tiger! Arrr!

122
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:54,840
An Argyll and Sutherland terrier.
No, it's further...

123
00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:59,520
It's about the same size as
the Irish wolfhound and the goat.

124
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:01,800
The bonsai panther!

125
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:08,440
What's up north of Scotland?
Er, Wales!

126
00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:12,680
Shetland pony! A Shetland pony.
Well done, Alan, there.

127
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:17,400
And the Worcestershire and Sherwood
Foresters? A bottle of sauce.

128
00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:23,480
A wood louse! A man dressed
as a bottle of sauce.

129
00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:26,320
With his face out like that.

130
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:29,440
Chaffinch. Not a...!

131
00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:33,440
I read that the current
North Korean leader...

132
00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:38,680
Kim Jong-Il. The Beloved Leader.
He commands, Kim, Kimmy,

133
00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:44,320
he demands that his duvets are
filled with the softest down
known to man.

134
00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:48,160
And the softest down, apparently,
known to man

135
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:51,400
is the chin of a sparrow.

136
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:57,320
And he has 150,000 sparrow chins
stuffed into his duvet. No...

137
00:10:57,320 --> 00:11:01,160
Do they shave a live sparrow
or do they kill a sparrow?

138
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:05,800
Just a tickle under the chin.
Chuck it under the chin.

139
00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:11,560
Stephen fills his duvet with
the softest man known to sparrows.
LAUGHTER

140
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,920
Ah, I do. I do.

141
00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:20,840
Who painted this picture?

142
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:23,200
"Aaaaow!"
Yes?

143
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:26,760
Van GOFF.
HOOTER

144
00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:28,880
We're after...

145
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:32,320
I'm going to go Van GOTH.

146
00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:35,360
HOOTER

147
00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:39,680
Wha...?! Van GO! Van GO?

148
00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:41,800
HOOTER

149
00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:46,560
"Here's Jimmy!"

150
00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:48,440
Cezanne.

151
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:50,480
LAUGHTER

152
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:57,640
At least you don't lose points
for that. Van HO.

153
00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:00,760
Closer... Van HEUGH. What?

154
00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:05,760
Van HEUGH. Now, listen. We can
help you out with that name.

155
00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:10,720
Jolly close, Jack. Were you aware
there's a Dutch version of QI? Yes.

156
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:15,040
Would you like to see
the presenter? Not really.

157
00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:20,360
He will tell us
how the name is pronounced.
Pretty good. Sho shexy.

158
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:26,600
Come on!
The correct Dutch pronunciation
is Vincent Van HOCH.

159
00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:29,240
But, please, don't try this at home.

160
00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:35,280
There you are. What would he know?
He wears more makeup than you,
Stephen!

161
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:41,280
Let's have the next word.
And it's..."grog blossom".

162
00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:46,000
Would you like to explain
what it is? This is actually

163
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:51,440
the kind of mould that you get
on the inside of a barrel of beer

164
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:55,320
that you have to clean out
before you use it again. Phill?

165
00:12:55,320 --> 00:13:01,160
I'd like to do it in the style
of the out of work actors they had
on Call My Bluff.

166
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:05,880
They'd do their definition
in an effort to beg for work.

167
00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:08,480
FLAMBOYANTLY
Imagine if you will...

168
00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:16,320
..a lone figure walking
across Hampstead Heath...

169
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:21,080
..the sun glinting in his very eyes,

170
00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:25,280
for he is making his way back
from an evening at the inn

171
00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:28,920
where he has partaken of mead

172
00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:33,080
and other lascivious beverages.
LAUGHTER

173
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:38,720
Adorning the chin
of said stout fellow

174
00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:43,360
are pimples,
for they betray his excesses,

175
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:47,800
and these, at the time,
were known as...

176
00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:51,120
Marty Fitch - 01 287 469.

177
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:53,760
Available for panto.

178
00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:56,760
..grog blossom.

179
00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:59,080
Bravo! Excellent.

180
00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:07,880
The true understanding of evolution
shows that nature is horrific.

181
00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:12,680
The Victorians hated it because
they loved countryside, birdsong...

182
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:19,600
Mrs Alexander's All Things Bright
And Beautiful. Yes. Instead it is
a vicious struggle for survival...

183
00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:25,760
All animals are hungry and afraid
and die before they get old
and it's a miserable, hard life.

184
00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:30,480
Unless they live in zoos. A life
they wouldn't expect in the wild.

185
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:37,440
Maybe they could let them
out of the zoo for a little bit
and let them back in the circus.

186
00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:41,600
Mmm... I miss a dog pushing a pram.
LAUGHTER

187
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:45,880
You... Cirque du Soleil
is all very well,

188
00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:51,120
but an elephant counting.
You're pitching yourself in a
tailcoat, tights and a top hat,

189
00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:57,680
welcoming everybody to
Circus X Factor Call Me A Nancy,
aren't you? No! You are.

190
00:14:57,680 --> 00:15:03,680
You'd have to do the elephant's
back story. "This is
the elephant's last chance

191
00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:07,640
"for a career in show business."
The elephant in tears.

192
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:13,960
"He's doing this for his dead
grandfather," and the elephant
staring at a big pile of ivory.

193
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:15,760
LAUGHTER

194
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:23,480
You are a sick puppy.
Give it some piano keys!

195
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:29,240
The band's about to play for him
and they go, "These?"

196
00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:31,040
Tactless.

197
00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:35,920
"Yeah, my grandad
was in show business as well."

198
00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:42,720
Oddly enough,
it seems that both girls and boys
will take more pain from a woman.

199
00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:48,760
They did calibrated tests of putting
fingers in a clamp and...
What?! ..both men and...

200
00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:53,800
Who volunteers for that?
But you get to keep the clamp.

201
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:59,760
Now it all becomes clear.
You pay students. You say, "Say stop
when you can't take it any more."

202
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:03,840
In both women and men's cases,
women could turn it further.

203
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:09,760
Oddly enough, if there are
pleasant pictures on the wall
you can take more pain.

204
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:15,720
That's what art does for us all.
There's a wonderful thing
called Stendhal Syndrome.

205
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:22,800
Oh, yes... The idea that people are
so overwhelmed by a piece of art,
they faint. Did we cover that?

206
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:25,040
No...
LAUGHTER

207
00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:31,640
That's the beauty. We can do
the questions again and again.

208
00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:34,280
I go, "That rings a bell."

209
00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:42,120
Also painkillers have different
effects. Right up until the 1990s,

210
00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:48,760
drug companies did not test
painkillers on women.
Because they complain, anyway.

211
00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:56,280
Oh, Jack, you're making friends(!)
I fear... I think Jack
better suffer for that one.

212
00:16:56,280 --> 00:17:00,720
Actually, women's ability to take
different levels of pain alters

213
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:08,320
in different stages of the menstrual
cycle, so they said women were not
a reliable test of painkillers...

214
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:14,560
We're all over the place.
..but then the American FDA
said, "This is not good enough

215
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:19,040
"and you must factor it in."
I've just come back from America.

216
00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:22,800
They have fantastic drugs.
You can buy shedloads.

217
00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:29,440
I was in a chemist and I ended up
not in the haemorrhoid section,
but in the haemorrhoid aisle.

218
00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:35,520
Yes, it is astonishing.
The size of those Walgreens
and huge pharmacies. Unbelievable.

219
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:41,360
Absolutely staggering.
Is it embarrassing walking down
the haemorrhoid aisle?

220
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:46,320
It's bad enough if you have to ask
for the stuff. Apparently.

221
00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:50,360
"He likes to walk down
the haemorrhoid aisle." Yeah!

222
00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:55,320
Oh, dear.

223
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:59,640
What about exactly an hour?
Where did the hour...?

224
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:04,840
Why did they decide on an hour?
What was that? Why an hour?

225
00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:09,920
Why not make half an hour an hour?
24 is divisible in so many ways.

226
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:14,120
Very factorisable. Divisible
by 2 and 3 and 4 and 6 and 8.

227
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:19,840
So is 10. It's only divisible
by 1, 2, 5 and itself.
Only in one dimension.

228
00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:24,480
If you go into another dimension,
you can do anything you like.

229
00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:29,960
Unfortunately, we weren't
in another dimension, Bill. Oh!
I'm sorry.

230
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:37,120
Why was it important to divide 24
by 8? No, it was to have
as divisible a system as possible.

231
00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:42,280
Why not have 100? If you want to,
you can have decimalised time.

232
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:47,400
I'm going to make my own.
I've got to cross two of these off!

233
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:52,520
Yeah. Let's have a vote!
Which ones to cross off?

234
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:54,480
3 and 8.

235
00:18:54,480 --> 00:19:01,280
Well, last night...
You can't have 1 to 10. We'll
never have elevenses ever again.

236
00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:04,320
Nineses! Nineses?! Nineses!

237
00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:09,080
So how many hours are in your day?
20. 20 hours of daylight?

238
00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:12,960
Nice and simple. Call it a hoorar.
Right, OK.

239
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:16,920
A hoorar. A hoor!
A hoor?! Hoor!

240
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:21,880
A strumpet! That is a whore.
20 strumpets! Yeah.

241
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:25,280
Aye!

242
00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:30,000
It was 12 hours because the
Babylonians... What do they know?

243
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,640
They had a base 12 counting system.

244
00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:36,280
But we have 10 fingers. Yes.
And 10 toes.

245
00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:40,760
And you could count off the sections
of time by using your digits.

246
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:44,920
What time is it?
One, two...

247
00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:50,640
Three and a half.
Two minutes past four. What would
that be, then? About six? Yeah.

248
00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:57,440
There could be a line
in merchandisable metric clocks.

249
00:19:57,440 --> 00:20:03,760
It's the Bill Bailey QI metric
clock. Metric clock. Yeah.
That's fine. That'll do me.

250
00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:08,600
We've just done an hour
on that topic. By whose system?

251
00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:16,080
I think you'll find it's an hour
and a bit. That can only mean
one thing - time to move on!

252
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:21,280
Where does the extra square
in this diagram comes from?

253
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:24,000
Those two are the same size.

254
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:29,000
But there's a white square
of bits missing. How can that be?

255
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:34,080
Because some of the triangles...
Have a look at it happening.

256
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:38,520
That one goes there,
that one goes there and there.

257
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:41,160
Like so, like so, like so.

258
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:47,080
And now there's more space in there.
Yeah. But that can't be possible,
can it?

259
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:49,480
Yet my eyes tell me it is.

260
00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:53,200
It's not even longer? No.
It's the same.

261
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,320
Yup, there it is.

262
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:58,920
It is a cheat.
That's witchcraft! It is.

263
00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:03,080
Rather appropriately, it was
a magician who discovered this.

264
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:09,560
It's five blocks high,
the same number of blocks long.
It's a very small, subtle cheat.

265
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:14,680
The hypotenuse seem to be the same,
but they are curved, not straight.

266
00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:19,920
The red triangle has a ratio of 5:2,
the blue is 8:3,

267
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:24,680
so the two triangles are not
similar. One has a bigger area?

268
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:31,120
Exactly.
One has a slightly dipped line.
The eye assumes they're straight,

269
00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:37,400
and it's puzzled by that gap.
Anyway, we thought you'd like that.
It's quite interesting, isn't it?

270
00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:44,440
Curry's Paradox. Simply a trick.
The gap appears as the hypotenuse
is imperceptibly bent.

271
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:49,960
Curry's Paradox. That's nice.
Should you buy the insurance?

272
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,680
LAUGHTER

273
00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:54,800
Or just risk it?

274
00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:58,840
There are the lovely Osmonds.
Aren't they lovely?

275
00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:01,960
What teeth! They were rubbish.

276
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:06,480
Apart from Little Jimmy Osmond,
a long-haired lover from Liverpool.

277
00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:10,440
And Big Graham Osmond,
the one they kept in the attic.

278
00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:20,760
Who had terrible teeth.
He had one massive one.
And he wrote all the songs.

279
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:27,800
He groaned them into a tin can.
It was connected
by a piece of string.

280
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:29,560
Aaaeiiee!

281
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:35,160
# Wild horses...nyah! Nyah! #

282
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:38,800
# Crazy horses! #

283
00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:41,400
HOWLING

284
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:46,680
You're very bad.
# Paper roses! #

285
00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:50,920
"What was that, Graham?"
"Aa-oooh!"

286
00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:54,000
Behave.

287
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,640
Pull yourselves together at once.

288
00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:00,040
The Church...

289
00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:04,240
of Jesus Christ
of Latter Day Saints...

290
00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:06,840
What a great idea! Aaa-ooyah!

291
00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:11,680
That's a great idea for Dr Who.
Dr Who goes into the attic

292
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:18,040
and finds the elderly secret brother
of the Osmonds! And that's
how they kill off David Tennant!

293
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:22,040
Aaargh!

294
00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:26,560
That's the Christmas show.
Played by Bill Bailey!

295
00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:38,560
I was buying ties the other day...
I thought you had them selected.

296
00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:44,600
They said, "Do you want them
in a bag or a box?" I said, "Bag,
though if I'd asked for a box,

297
00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:48,760
"you could have said
you spent the day tie boxing."

298
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,280
I know... And we laughed(!)

299
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:56,280
This is the gold you miss if you're
not on the street where Stephen is.

300
00:23:56,280 --> 00:24:00,280
All right, I regret it.
At the time... It's very nice.

301
00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:04,120
I bet you when he came round...
LAUGHTER

302
00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:09,240
When he picked himself
back up off the floor...

303
00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:12,520
"Shall I still put them in the box,
sir?

304
00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:17,000
"Any more of them?"

305
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:19,840
All right! Come up.

306
00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:24,520
It was a light remark...
"Oh, I've gone!"

307
00:24:26,360 --> 00:24:28,000
Yeah.

308
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:31,840
"Oh, I wish you came in here
more often."

309
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:40,400
Why did it take 300 years to give
the giant tortoise a scientific
name? A scientific name?

310
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:44,400
i.e. the Latin name.
It turned out to be Geochelone...

311
00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:51,040
Is it because they thought that was
pretty good, giant tortoise?
We'll leave it with that.

312
00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:55,880
No, I... I was going to say
something that now is unusable.

313
00:24:55,880 --> 00:25:01,360
I'm going to have to say it now.
Go on. Get on with it, man.
They thought...

314
00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:04,080
LAUGHTER

315
00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:08,680
Better be good. They thought it was
a normal tortoise, but closer.

316
00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:13,120
That's so sweet.
But I couldn't get that concept.

317
00:25:13,120 --> 00:25:17,560
Will it be further away or...?
Further away would be a minute one.

318
00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:23,240
Would they mistake a quite far away
normal one for a miniature one?
Or would...?

319
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:27,600
The thing that you're saying is
that the tortoise...

320
00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:31,840
They go that way.

321
00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:38,000
If there was a tortoise over there
that was giant, but I for some reason
thought it was there,

322
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:42,480
I wouldn't think it was giant.
"It's just one there.

323
00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:49,760
"Oh, my God! It's over there
and it's massive!" On a huge beach
with no other points of reference.

324
00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:55,000
That's not the reason.
Are they particularly litigious?

325
00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:58,800
"If you give me a name,
I will sue you."

326
00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:05,800
No, it wasn't that. They had another
property that was most unfortunate
for them. The tortoises did?

327
00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:09,920
Yeah. They were edible.
They were SO edible. Anyone...

328
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:16,640
Anyone who saw one couldn't stop
to think of a name for it?
They had to eat it straightaway?

329
00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:22,360
One of those... I don't know
what they're called. Just get one.
They're very good.

330
00:26:22,360 --> 00:26:26,400
There's no Latin name
for pistachio nuts, either.

331
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:31,480
No-one can be bothered.
"Shut up with your Latin. Eat them!"

332
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:34,240
No Latin name for Maltesers.

333
00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:41,240
LAUGHTER

334
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:46,280
It's kind of true. None of them
made it to London, to Europe.

335
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:51,640
"This time, THIS time,
we're going to take it."

336
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:53,760
"Leave it. We're taking it back."

337
00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:59,320
There's a ferry coming in to Dover
and a bloke going...

338
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:04,920
Leaving the door
where the tortoise was kept.

339
00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:12,400
"All right, look, there's nine.
We'll eat eight. But absolutely..."

340
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:16,520
And everyone's looking at it
and going, "Come on..."

341
00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:21,760
The sea's becalmed, for days on end,
and there's one tortoise left.

342
00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:25,880
"Come on, sir. Let's just go back
and get some more."

343
00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:31,680
And the moment after they've eaten
that last tortoise,

344
00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:34,440
they think, "We are..."
LAUGHTER

345
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:38,640
"I'm too full."

346
00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:41,520
Even Darwin on his last voyage,

347
00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:47,440
there were dozens of them.
He collected every species
in the world and ate that one.

348
00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:51,440
They did. "We've done all the
butterflies, all the beetles..."

349
00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:56,600
The only descriptions compare them
to chicken, beef, mutton and butter

350
00:27:56,600 --> 00:28:00,840
and say how much better they are
than all of those things.

351
00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:04,880
No-one had ever eaten
anything better.

352
00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:09,200
And the liver and the bone marrow.
Every part of it was delicious.

353
00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:14,280
Whereabouts are they from?
The tropics. Are there flights?

354
00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:20,400
They are now protected!
All 12 species!

355
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:26,040
If they're that delicious,
they can't be. "We've protected them.
No need to look."

356
00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:27,560
Burp!

357
00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:32,560
Oops! But there were some
that survived, however.

358
00:28:32,560 --> 00:28:38,400
Let me tell you about a very
extraordinary one. That bloke is
befriending that one.

359
00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:44,640
"Come over here, my pretty.
I'm trying to think
of a name for you."

360
00:28:56,680 --> 00:29:00,720
Subtitles by Subtext
for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2010

361
00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:04,320
Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk