1
00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:26,480
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

2
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,720
We'd like you to draw now...

3
00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:36,280
You should have a card
if you haven't sawn it in half.

4
00:00:36,280 --> 00:00:40,200
We'd like you to draw
the world's first novelty teapot.

5
00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:42,840
LAUGHTER

6
00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:47,680
Alan? Sorry, it all went...
There's quite a draught in here,
it turns out.

7
00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:53,200
What did I ask you to draw?
The world's first novelty teapot.
Damn, you WERE listening!

8
00:00:53,200 --> 00:01:00,000
It's gone out that side, but when
you asked me, it was still in the
middle. Get drawing. World's first?

9
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:04,640
You mean we're inventing one or
there is one we should know about?

10
00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:10,920
This is nice. I like it when the
class get on with... They're busy.

11
00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:15,760
They're busy and quiet. Teacher sits
at the front texting her friends.

12
00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:21,280
Do you know that rhyme?
"I'm a little teapot,
short and stout, here's my handle...

13
00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:24,920
"Oh, bugger, I'm a sugar bowl!"
LAUGHTER

14
00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:28,160
APPLAUSE

15
00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:34,120
How are you doing?
Is anyone ready to show yet?

16
00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:38,760
David, have you finished? Yeah,
I have. I'm very pleased with it.

17
00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:41,200
Is it an Indian goddess or a crab?

18
00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:43,680
It's a novelty teapot. Oh, yes.

19
00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:48,840
Sorry. I thought
they have a lot of tea in India and
their goddesses are a bit like that.

20
00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:52,560
The best bit, the business end
of a teapot is the spout,

21
00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:56,080
so someone might have invented one
with lots of spouts.

22
00:01:56,080 --> 00:02:00,640
A multiple spouted teapot? You have
to pretty much surround it with cups.

23
00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:06,080
And that thing on the front
that looks like an ear,
which is not an ear, that's...

24
00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:12,160
The handle? The handle.
Does it come with a cream
to treat scalding and burns?

25
00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:16,200
No, but it came in a society in which
the burning of various members of it

26
00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:22,160
was not considered important by those
in charge. Good satirical point.
What have you got then, Rob?

27
00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:25,400
I've come up with a thing
called "handy tea".

28
00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:29,440
It's a teapot... This actually, all
jokes aside, this could be a goer.

29
00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:34,720
The finger is cocking a snook
to authority, so that will appeal
to the youngsters.

30
00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:38,720
But the rest of it...
And I've called it "handy tea". Yes.

31
00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:41,040
Which finger is that? The thumb.

32
00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:43,600
That's weird. It's a very long...

33
00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:45,840
Unless it's the left hand...

34
00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:48,200
Which has got five fingers!

35
00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:50,560
You're absolutely right. Yes.

36
00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:54,520
It's not anatomically correct.

37
00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:58,040
LAUGHTER
It's only a prototype.

38
00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:02,160
It's not anatomically correct.
"Contents may differ upon delivery."

39
00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:06,200
I think you'd have to agree there's
something for everyone on that.

40
00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:09,200
It's very wise of you
to have signed it.

41
00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:16,080
If you hadn't, I would have nicked
that idea. I'd probably leave the
recording now to capitalise on it.

42
00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:20,160
Dara, what have you got? It's
supposed to be an Egyptian character.

43
00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:23,760
Oh, yes. I thought you wanted
something historical.

44
00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:28,000
The Egyptian character is doing
the traditional hieroglyphic thing,

45
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:30,400
but it pours out of its arm.

46
00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:36,440
That's very clever. Unfortunately,
I can't draw Egyptian clothes,
so I've made him wear a small tuxedo.

47
00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:38,880
Fair enough. And a little dicky bow.

48
00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:45,320
He's on the way to some sort of
black tie event, maybe the opening
of a pyramid, for example.

49
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:48,640
You've signed it
and put a copyright notice on it.

50
00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:51,040
Just in case that isn't correct.

51
00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:55,440
Superb. Can I just say to David,
I've also now copyrighted mine.

52
00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:59,960
Very good. You have to put the date
in if you copyright something. Shit.

53
00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:05,320
Do you think I should copyright mine
or do you think...

54
00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:07,640
I wouldn't rush, no.

55
00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:10,480
I wouldn't bother. Save the ink.

56
00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:15,880
Alan, what have you got?
What I've done
is I've done a bloke with a beak.

57
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:19,200
It's a long, tall pot. Oh, yes.

58
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:21,440
You can fill the feet as well.

59
00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:25,720
That's his arm and then it'll all
come out of his beak. That works.

60
00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:29,400
Then his little baseball cap,
that's the lid.

61
00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:34,040
The only drawback here is
you will need long, thin tea bags.

62
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:38,120
I think that's going to be
a hell of a difficult thing to clean.

63
00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:41,640
You shouldn't clean a teapot.
You don't clean a teapot.

64
00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:45,440
You never clean a teapot? No.
Under no circumstances?

65
00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:49,440
Not under no circumstances. Provided
you only put tea in it. OK...

66
00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:54,040
If it's used as a teapot. Not if
you couldn't find the loo one night!

67
00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:59,280
Call it a hunch, but I sense
a hypothetical situation here.

68
00:04:59,280 --> 00:05:03,760
It's not a hypothetical situation.
I've only ever used a teapot for tea,

69
00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:10,400
but if you make tea in a teapot once
in a blue moon in a vague attempt
to seem more civilised than you are,

70
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:13,680
you leave it,
it's still got a bit of tea in it...

71
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:20,000
You rinse it out. No, you don't.
You're tired of being civilised
and you want to go to the pub.

72
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:26,040
You leave it there for weeks and
months, then when you look in it,
it's gone disgustingly mouldy.

73
00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:32,080
It's talking to you. At that point,
the flavour you'd get if you didn't
wash it for your next cup of tea

74
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:35,000
is, if anything, too characterful.

75
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:41,120
There is an animal
that uses the golden spiral shape
to capture its prey.

76
00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:47,440
Big cats? No. Looping round
to avoid the offside trap? If I use
the word "gyre", will that help?

77
00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:52,640
Turning and turning
in the widening gyre? Otters?
Does that mean anything to you?

78
00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:55,560
Otters!
LAUGHTER

79
00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:58,600
"The falcon cannot hear
the falconer." Is it a cow?

80
00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:03,800
"Things fall apart, the centre
cannot hold." Stephen, is it a cow?

81
00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:09,800
I thought you hadn't heard. Sorry.
No. "The falcon cannot hear
the falconer"? Is it a falcon?

82
00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:13,760
A mouse! You are bad.
..Yes, a falcon. The gyrfalcon.

83
00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:19,040
It uses that shape.
Its very strong centre part
allows it to keep its head still.

84
00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:21,640
I thought a falcon does that? No.

85
00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:23,800
It flies round in a circle.

86
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:29,880
I thought he was on about
the falcon and the mouse because
the barley can't hear. Say again?

87
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:34,400
The mouse hunts the barley, doesn't
he? The mouse hunts the barley?

88
00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:37,040
Mice eat barley. Oh, I see, yes.

89
00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:40,560
You were talking about the falcon
and what can't hear.

90
00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:45,520
The mouse can hear the falcon, but
the barley can't hear the mouse. No.

91
00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:50,040
Really, the mouse could approach the
barley straight off, but it doesn't.

92
00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:54,840
He mimics his hunter. Yeah.

93
00:06:54,840 --> 00:07:00,160
Even if the barley could hear
the mouse, there's not much
it could do about it.

94
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:02,080
APPLAUSE

95
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:10,480
At some point the alarm clock's
going to go off and I'll go,
"God, that was a weird nightmare!"

96
00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:15,880
Yeah, but as medical science
moves on, barley will develop legs,
obviously.

97
00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:20,920
And the mouse has had
the foresightedness
to learn to hunt his prey,

98
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:25,800
should GM crops develop further
than the mouse's capabilities.

99
00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:28,520
Is that what mice say to each other?

100
00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:33,720
"Thank God, when the barley
develops legs, that it's deaf."
Of course it does!

101
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:40,480
It doesn't benefit the barley
to not be eaten. No.
It needs to be eaten.

102
00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:42,480
Barley wants to be eaten.

103
00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:47,720
Oh! That's why the fruit hangs
on the tree and glows brightly
and wants to be eaten.

104
00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:51,160
I've always looked at barley
and gone, "Tart!"

105
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:56,440
Maybe the barley... "You want
to be bait." ..has got legs,
but just doesn't use them.

106
00:07:56,440 --> 00:08:01,200
Just hides them underground.
Maybe barley stalks mice.

107
00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:04,240
You mean barley's a slut?

108
00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:08,160
Right, um...
LAUGHTER

109
00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:12,880
If everyone could roll
their tongues for me...

110
00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:15,080
Very good.

111
00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:18,120
Get a close-up on Graham.

112
00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:21,520
What the hell...?
LAUGHTER

113
00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:28,120
I think it's supposed
to be an illustration
of a child of two geniuses

114
00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:31,000
may not necessarily be a genius.

115
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:35,200
I don't know that it says that.
APPLAUSE

116
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:38,840
Yes, rolling tongues -
where does that gift come from?

117
00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:41,280
A fish.

118
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:47,640
You asked. Yes, I did.
And you gave an answer.

119
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:52,080
You avoided the trap to say
"from your parents" and it's not.

120
00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:54,640
Some people can do it
and some can't.

121
00:08:54,640 --> 00:09:00,000
It isn't related to the fact
that if your parents can do it,
you will be able to do it.

122
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:05,200
There are other things some people
can do and some people can't
like asparagus and urine.

123
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:11,080
Does it make your urine smell?
It makes everyone's urine smell.
No, it doesn't. Maybe not ladies.

124
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:14,240
Mostly women don't have the problem.

125
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:19,800
Put your hand up if you've never
noticed an effect of asparagus
in the smell of your urine.

126
00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:22,600
You've never noticed? Never.

127
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:29,240
You've hardly finished chewing...
I know. And then you're peeing and
it stinks. They used to call it...

128
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:32,080
Other diners are pointing at you.

129
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:36,480
Saying, "You should be doing that
in the toilet!"

130
00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:41,520
"That stinks and he's doing it
in here!" They used to call it
"housemaid's despair".

131
00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:46,200
If someone had had asparagus, the
housemaid took the chamberpot. "Ow!"

132
00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:48,240
I find... Maybe I'm wrong.

133
00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:52,280
I find the smell of urine
quite distasteful anyway.

134
00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:54,520
Yeah, but believe me...

135
00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:58,480
If you've got stinky pee,
you need to see someone. I don't.

136
00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:02,120
There's something wrong with you.
You've got a disease.

137
00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:05,920
Your pee presumably
doesn't make you go, "Eugh!"

138
00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:09,960
No, it just makes me go,
"I'll not drink that."

139
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:15,400
Yes, if you peed out a Chardonnay,
that would be something else.

140
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:18,640
Best to leave that alone, I feel.

141
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:22,880
I leave it alone because
I've just done it into a toilet.

142
00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:29,600
I didn't say that I was flavouring
stuff. If you decanted it,
that would be different.

143
00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:35,360
When I was a child, Sugar Puffs
made it smell of Sugar Puffs to me.
Anybody else? Yes. Good.

144
00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:38,560
It's so nice not to be alone,
isn't it?

145
00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:43,080
People are a lot more interested
in their wee than they'll admit.

146
00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:48,520
That's certainly true. People are
interested in what comes out of them
as a general rule.

147
00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:53,280
Not in a kind of an icky way,
but there is an element of...that.

148
00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:59,480
I just wanted to say that if you ask
someone about their interests, they
will say, "Walking, cinema, books."

149
00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:05,000
They won't say, "Primarily,
the smell of my own farts
I'm always fascinated by.

150
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:11,200
"But they don't come all the time,
so I while away the rest of the time
with cinema, books and long walks.

151
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:15,320
"If I could just fart all day and
smell it, I'd be a fascinated man."

152
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:21,880
You're so right. Most psychologists
would agree with you and say it is
true, but it's an unspoken truth.

153
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:26,680
Ask anyone on Earth, when
they've just farted and smelt it,
who's bored?

154
00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:30,280
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

155
00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:36,320
You know what that means. It means
when you see someone reading
a book, if they go like that...

156
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:39,080
LAUGHTER

157
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:43,160
They're not thinking about the book.
They've just let one go.

158
00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:56,640
Now, why don't we have more women
as guests on QI, you may well ask?
Oh, I know this.

159
00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:59,960
Sorry. No, no, after you. No.

160
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:05,440
Is it because women
are just not funny?

161
00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:12,160
Oh! Yeah. That's right, but we're
good at other things. We're good at
raisin' kittens and knittin' cakes.

162
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:18,040
I've heard that women aren't funny
and I think there's a truth in this.

163
00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:23,680
There is a scientific relationship
between a sense of humour
and the male sex organ.

164
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:27,160
People are always laughing at mine.
There you are.

165
00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:29,720
LAUGHTER

166
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:38,160
Is this to do with the fact that
people say there aren't as many
female comedians as there are men?

167
00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:41,680
Because there are loads
of female comedians.

168
00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:48,480
We just don't see them because they
are systematically rounded up and
kept in a pen just outside Harwich.

169
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:53,520
Harwich? Yes, but you can go and see
them and you can adopt them online.

170
00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:58,800
You can visit them
and feed them lines and you might
get a joke back sometimes.

171
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:03,960
Sometimes some of them escape
and they disguise themselves
as male comedians,

172
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:09,480
but you can tell which ones are
male comedians. They have beards,
just like Life Of Brian.

173
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:12,680
Bill Bailey. Phill Jupitus.
Clearly a woman(!)

174
00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:16,920
It's really rare to be allowed
to sit next to a female comedian.

175
00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:21,200
I don't know if they're worried that
our cycles will suddenly synchronise.

176
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:23,800
I'm in disguise. I'm Rory Bremner.

177
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:27,960
Is it cos once you get them started,
they don't shut up?

178
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:31,200
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

179
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:34,680
Whoa!

180
00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:40,160
Here's a good gag. What sort
of person wears one of these?

181
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:43,240
Good Lord!

182
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:46,400
You could try it on yourself
if you like.

183
00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:51,680
It's got little... Uh-oh! The sound
of polystyrene! I know. Agh, agh!

184
00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:56,480
There you are. Sorry. It is, isn't
it? This is a tongue thing. Yeah.

185
00:13:56,480 --> 00:14:00,520
It stops your lady talking. I can't
remember what they're called.

186
00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:04,960
Does the word "ponyboy" come
in this answer? Ponyboy? Yes.

187
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:08,760
That's it. Oh, I say,
it fits you rather well.

188
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:10,800
LAUGHTER

189
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:16,440
Oh, and it's got stuck.
It sounded like you were having
an idea then, Stephen.

190
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:19,800
LAUGHTER
It's quite disconcerting.

191
00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:21,720
Giddy-up!

192
00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:25,040
"You've given me a thought there,
Alan."

193
00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:30,520
"Have him scrubbed
and brought to my room!"

194
00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:33,000
Don't bother to have him scrubbed.

195
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,800
They're called... Anybody know?

196
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:43,800
MUMBLES:
A witch's bridle? So close.

197
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:46,320
Not "witch's". I can't talk!

198
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,360
What's the answer, Alan?

199
00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:51,840
Just do the letters.
One for "yes", two for "no".

200
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:55,000
Is it "A"? Uh-uh.

201
00:14:55,000 --> 00:15:01,480
It's... Is it a device used for pigs
when they're constipated? I'm pretty
sure that's one of those. Eugh!

202
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:07,160
Sorry, Alan.
I probably should have said before.

203
00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:11,200
What they do is they strap it on
and they ram it home.

204
00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:14,720
So it's a sort of chastity belt
for the face?

205
00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:17,920
Yeah, it's known
as a scold's bridle.

206
00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:22,960
So when she's being ducked
in the river... You've got
to get it before he does it.

207
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:28,880
The other more common punishment
was what's called a cucking stool,
often called a ducking stool.

208
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:31,920
Quite wrongly.
It is actually a cucking stool.

209
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:34,360
"Excuse me, that's the wrong word!

210
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:37,800
"Get me off the cucking stool!"

211
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:41,400
Bouncy castles, they're the best.

212
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:46,520
I hired one
for my son's fifth birthday.

213
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:50,280
Is it really fun? When all the kids
had gone, here we go!

214
00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:55,240
What do you do? You just fling
yourself about. It's brilliant.

215
00:15:55,240 --> 00:16:00,600
When they set the bouncy castle up
for me, they handed me
the safety instructions.

216
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:06,120
I was trying to read the safety
instructions with all these kids
bouncing around.

217
00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:10,720
Within two minutes, one kid
had got mullered in the face.

218
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:16,040
And he's bleeding.
A few hours later, some parents
came to pick the kids up.

219
00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:21,280
The safety instructions for
the bouncy castle were on the table
with blood on it.

220
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:27,440
"Yeah... Yeah, it went fine."

221
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:33,760
Presumably, like those slides on
aeroplanes in emergencies, they tell
people to take off their high heels?

222
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:36,280
That's an important first step.

223
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:42,560
I always used to get nose bleeds
on them and someone
would always wee on those things.

224
00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:45,600
They get incredibly excited,
the young kids,

225
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:49,440
and there's always a wet patch,
as if a puppy has been on there.

226
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:56,600
They didn't exist
when I was a child. Really? No.
We had to make do with pigs and...

227
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:59,560
Big, fat men. Big, fat men? Yeah.

228
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,840
LAUGHTER

229
00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:04,000
Wahey!

230
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,960
Oh, I see.

231
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:10,800
Bouncing on the tummy.
You remember! Uncle's tummy.

232
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:17,760
"Come on, come on." At the country
fete. "Come on, kids." "We're going
up the Sumo Park. Come on."

233
00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:22,120
"Someone's wee'd on me." Yes.
The Vicar has volunteered again.

234
00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:26,320
"Come on, Vicar!"

235
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:31,880
You know when you buy Parmesan,
I've never understood
why it has a sell-by date on it

236
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:34,320
cos it just never goes off, does it?

237
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:38,240
You could put it on a rooftop
in Nairobi for a year.

238
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:43,760
Why do they have to have
a sell-by date? So that you will
destroy it and buy some more.

239
00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:49,800
You buy cheese at the supermarket
and it says, "Consume within
two days of opening," or something.

240
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:56,080
It's a vast amount. How much cheese
do you think I'm going to get
through? I mean, why? It's fine!

241
00:17:56,080 --> 00:18:00,560
They know it's fine. It has a label
on it saying, "20 years aged."

242
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:06,520
Yes, exactly. And two days
before it's completely inedible,
you sell it to me!

243
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:13,040
It is true. It's gone off already,
cheese, basically, hasn't it?

244
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:19,160
That's its point, exactly. It is
the celebration of what happens
when milk goes off big time styley!

245
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:22,640
Yeah. It should just...
LAUGHTER

246
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:26,880
You should work
for the Milk Marketing Board.

247
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:33,240
"Get some lovely English milk
gone off big time styley!"

248
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:36,160
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

249
00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:45,880
I'll have a milk gone off big time
styley and tomato sandwich, please.

250
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:49,720
That's the best description
of cheese I've ever heard.

251
00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:53,040
Aren't those sell-by dates
just over-cautious?

252
00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:56,680
You could leave it for ages.
They're covering themselves.

253
00:18:56,680 --> 00:19:00,520
Get it out the bin a couple of weeks
later and you'll be fine.

254
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:03,240
Put it down your pants,
go in the sauna.

255
00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:05,880
Sean, Sean... Take it out.

256
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:09,280
Obviously, reshape it again.

257
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:13,120
Sean, you're not alone.
There are people here.

258
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:18,160
You're saying it out loud.
You're not thinking it.

259
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:22,640
We had a tortoise once and it had
very bad arthritis in its leg.

260
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:27,840
They said, "We can operate
and replace it with a wheel."
That's fabulous.

261
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:31,560
They do that. Casters,
so they can go in all directions.

262
00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:36,240
We thought about taking all his
legs off and putting wheels on them.

263
00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:40,560
That would have been wrong. And
then a little engine on the top.

264
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:43,400
Send it down the shops for a paper.

265
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,440
With an aerial on a spring.

266
00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:48,280
You could have some peanuts on it
at parties.

267
00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:56,880
I bet you couldn't do that.
I bet someone would object
if you motorised a tortoise.

268
00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:59,040
Really(?)

269
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:01,360
You can have lorries like giant...

270
00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:04,840
It's political correctness
gone mad, Jeremy!

271
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:08,400
You can't even mutilate
a tortoise any more(!)

272
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:12,840
I'm not suggesting you mutilate it.
It could keep its legs.

273
00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:16,560
I'm thinking of something
like a Bigfoot truck in America.

274
00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:22,960
Big wheels that could be detached,
so that it could be a tortoise, run
round and eat weeds. Its legs go up?

275
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:28,600
When you want it to go shopping,
just send it off to the shops.
A Transformer tortoise? Yes.

276
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:32,360
There's great big ones
in the Galapagos Islands.

277
00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:36,000
They could bring substantial pieces
of furniture back.

278
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:40,680
You could put wings on them and they
could take off. You could, yeah.

279
00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:43,160
MIMICS ENGINE REVVING UP

280
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:49,800
Now, the socks that
that man in the middle is wearing
are very long socks.

281
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:53,320
That's something
that I've turned to recently.

282
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:56,040
I now favour the longer sock.

283
00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:59,880
Can you take me through
your reasoning? Yes, I'll show you.

284
00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:02,480
The gentleman's sock. The half hose.

285
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:09,440
Now, Jo, you, as a lady, are going
to think this sock is going to stop
a lot sooner than it does.

286
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:12,280
So, watch this. Look at that.

287
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:15,480
Surely we've reached the peak.
Oh, my goodness me!

288
00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:18,000
Surely we've peaked. Oh, my word!

289
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,480
He's wearing tights!

290
00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:23,320
Ah!
APPLAUSE

291
00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:30,640
Can I say...? Not so much for Jo,
but Stephen, Alan and Sean.

292
00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:33,080
I urge you to give it a go

293
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:36,160
because it gives you
a feeling of security.

294
00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:41,400
They do make you look
like a knobhead.

295
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:44,960
Sorry, Rob. One of the problems
men have... They do.

296
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:52,080
There's a problem men have, Jo,
which is that we wear away the hair
on our shins by tight, short socks.

297
00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:55,120
Is that one of the things
you're afraid of?

298
00:21:55,120 --> 00:22:01,120
By just carrying on
the conversation, you imply that
you agree with what Jo has said.

299
00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:06,400
What was going through my mind
is how difficult it would be
for a man to say that to a woman.

300
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:12,960
I'm not going in that direction. We
let women be rude to us. Could you
come down on one side or the other?

301
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:18,720
You're with me or her. It's just
as true that women make themselves
look ridiculous occasionally.

302
00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:24,560
It doesn't make you look cool.
Nobody's going to go,
"I'm going to get a pair of those."

303
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:30,560
At the risk of turning this
into Ready Steady Cook, why
don't we let the audience decide?

304
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:38,120
All those who think Rob is on to
something with the gentleman's half
hose, as they're technically called,

305
00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:41,680
the long sock,
the Brydon long sock,

306
00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:44,640
could you please shout out,
"Long sock"?

307
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:47,120
SOME SHOUT:
Long sock! It's not good.

308
00:22:47,120 --> 00:22:51,920
I fear without having to ask...
There's no need to carry on. No, OK.

309
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:54,160
APPLAUSE

310
00:22:55,360 --> 00:23:01,040
There's Pascal's Wager.
You know Blaise Pascal, the French
mathematician and philosopher?

311
00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:07,520
He said, "Let's just make a bet
because if there is no God
and there is no after-life,

312
00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:10,040
"when you die, that's the end of it.

313
00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:15,640
"But supposing there is one
and it may be billions to one
that there's an after-life,

314
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:21,480
"why not bet that there will be one
because if you're wrong,
the same will happen - nothing."

315
00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:26,720
If you're wrong and bet there isn't
a God, you've got a poker
up your bottom for eternity,

316
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:28,640
which is a real bore.

317
00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:33,000
The nuns told me, "He knows what
you're thinking." Yes, that's it.

318
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:37,360
"He knows." As soon as you've made
the bet, you're as good as dead.

319
00:23:37,360 --> 00:23:41,560
You are. But what if there's a third
option and there is an after-life

320
00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:44,760
that you only get to go to
if you were an atheist?

321
00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:46,800
Oh, I like that one.

322
00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:51,120
That's an amusing one. Cos then
you'd get all the Christians - dead.

323
00:23:51,120 --> 00:23:55,680
And then a load of bitter atheists
going, "Worst of all, I was wrong!"

324
00:23:57,640 --> 00:24:01,000
And they've got an eternity
to worry about it.

325
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:06,800
Yeah, exactly, with these lovely
angels offering them cream cakes.
"Sod off!"

326
00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:13,160
What would you use this for?
I have a picture of them here.

327
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:16,040
To frighten the children.

328
00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:21,880
It's a German invention. Put a torch
behind it, then creep up into
their bedroom when they're asleep.

329
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:25,040
Just move it very slowly
across the room.

330
00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:29,480
It's a thing that is used in
the lavatory. Air freshener? No.

331
00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:33,880
It's for men to do something
when they go to the lavatory.

332
00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:36,880
Is it anything to do with the seat?
It is.

333
00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:41,360
To dive off it into the toilet?
No. Noble guess, but doomed.

334
00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:45,240
Do they sit down in Germany? So
they don't have to touch the seat?

335
00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:49,800
It's if they lift the seat, which
men tend to do before having a pee,

336
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:52,760
this... I have one here. Here it is.

337
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:58,200
'Hello. This is your toilet speaking.
Wouldn't you rather like to sit down?

338
00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:01,200
'You prefer to stand?
Then you may leave now.'

339
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:05,240
Poor German men don't actually get
to go to the toilet then, do they?

340
00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:09,880
No wonder they're wearing lederhosen
and slapping themselves all the time!

341
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:15,280
No, in Germany, they think
it's somehow unhygienic
because there's splashing.

342
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:21,320
They want the men to sit, so that's
how it's attached. When you lift up
the seat, it speaks at you.

343
00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:26,720
Loud enough in a public lavatory
for others to hear,
so that men sit and have a pee.

344
00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:33,000
That's the idea. Here's a problem.
We've got builders in at the moment
and they're all using the lower loo.

345
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:36,560
It is like the Center Parcs log flume
in there at night.

346
00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:39,320
LAUGHTER

347
00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:42,880
Is that why... Is that why
you've got the long socks?

348
00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:45,600
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

349
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:52,040
There's this thing that when you
write an email at a certain time,

350
00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:55,960
it makes you solve a mathematical
puzzle before it will send it.

351
00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:58,200
How marvellous!

352
00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:04,480
You kind of go..."You!" Or, "I've
always wanted to sleep with you,"
you've sent to the Prime Minister.

353
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:07,920
Then you press "send"
and you have to do this.

354
00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:13,560
By the time you've done it,
you think, "Thank God I didn't
send that!" Sobriety test. Yeah.

355
00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:19,520
Or the other one that won't let you
send it till the next morning. It's
very clever. Good idea. Isn't it?

356
00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:25,560
Yeah. But then if you were pissed,
you'd go, "I won't use that one.
I'll use a different one."

357
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:29,800
There are always ways round it.
Just phone them up. Yeah.

358
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:31,920
LAUGHTER

359
00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:33,960
Go round. Yeah.

360
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:39,120
Even better. Shout out something...
"Oi!" "I'm glad you're in!"

361
00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:42,520
Oh, Lord!
"You've only just thrown me out."

362
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:49,960
What if you did that pissed with a
Ouija board, contacting dead people,
going, "I'm glad you're dead"?

363
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,520
"I hated you when you were alive.

364
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:56,920
"You were a pain in the arse.
You made my life a misery."

365
00:26:56,920 --> 00:26:59,760
I turned into a Steptoe then. "Dad!"

366
00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:02,080
Are Ouija boards outgoing as well?

367
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:06,840
What tariff are you on?

368
00:27:09,080 --> 00:27:13,600
You're going to think I'm making
this up, but when I sit down,

369
00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:17,960
if I'm wearing a heavy cord,
a jumbo cord, for example,

370
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:22,000
one of the things that annoys me
more than anything else

371
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:27,320
is when I put my trousers down
and sit down,
sometimes it catches the long sock

372
00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:29,840
and takes it down to the ankle.

373
00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:34,800
Oh, horror!
And I sometimes will pull
the sock up while I'm sitting there

374
00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:39,640
just to have that nice feeling
of control of the sock reaching
the knee.

375
00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:42,400
Do you know my dilemma
in that situation?

376
00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:49,680
If I'm sitting on the toilet, I
often take my glasses off as I don't
like wearing them... For distance.

377
00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:53,720
I don't need them. I'm sat there for
a while. I don't need my glasses.

378
00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:59,040
I take my glasses off
and the pants act like
a little hammock for the glasses.

379
00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:01,280
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

380
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:08,520
It gets worse because if I put them
in there... I might be sat there
for some time

381
00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:11,520
because my diet isn't
the healthiest.

382
00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:13,640
I eat far more meat than I should,

383
00:28:13,640 --> 00:28:16,680
so I might have sat there
for 10 or 15 minutes,

384
00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:22,520
then when I've finished,
I stand up to pull my trousers up,
I forget about my glasses. Oh, no.

385
00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:27,600
I go, "Oh, my glasses!"
And I've rammed my glasses
deep into my under regions.

386
00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:32,720
Whoa! And I cleaned this pair,
I think. Eugh!

387
00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:55,000
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388
00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:58,040
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