1 00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:26,640 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:34,880 Good... 3 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:36,280 evening! 4 00:00:36,280 --> 00:00:39,520 And welcome to tonight's QI. 5 00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:41,880 And tonight, we have a higgledy-piggledy, 6 00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:44,320 hotchpotch of things beginning with H. 7 00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:48,240 And joining me tonight are the humungous Phill Jupitus... 8 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:52,400 APPLAUSE 9 00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:56,000 ..the hyperbolic Ross Noble... 10 00:00:56,000 --> 00:01:00,480 APPLAUSE 11 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:03,840 ..the hygienic Jack Dee... 12 00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:07,040 APPLAUSE 13 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:10,760 ..and ho-hum, it's Alan Davies. 14 00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:13,840 APPLAUSE 15 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:20,800 So, any time you want to say "hi", give me a bell. Jack goes... 16 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:24,680 - BONG - And Phill goes... 17 00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:27,040 RING-RING 18 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:28,320 And Ross goes... 19 00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:31,440 # Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding 20 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:34,600 # Ring-a-ding-a-ding A-ding-ring-ring-a-ding. # 21 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:36,440 Yeah, thank you. And, Alan goes... 22 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:39,480 ALARM 23 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:42,680 LAUGHTER 24 00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:44,640 I'm sorry! 25 00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:48,760 I'm so, so not sorry. 26 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:51,040 Let's give this pudding a stir, gentlemen. 27 00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:52,640 Why do bankers like 28 00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:57,040 - long-haired men... - Oh, hello! 29 00:01:57,040 --> 00:02:01,000 Is there any need for that...really?! I mean, come on. 30 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:04,680 The scariest thing is, I'm wearing the same shirt. 31 00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:05,720 You are! 32 00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:07,880 Look at that, that is appalling, isn't it? 33 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:10,760 I've got to hand it to you, Ross, you've got lovely legs. 34 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:11,960 LAUGHTER 35 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:15,920 Unfortunately, that suppository was the oddest shaped one I'd ever used. 36 00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:18,120 LAUGHTER It was... 37 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:20,320 No wonder he's not smiling. 38 00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:22,720 Oh, I've only just noticed you. 39 00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:25,560 LAUGHTER 40 00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:31,640 The full question is why do bankers like long-haired men 41 00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:33,400 and short-skirted women? 42 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:34,800 - RING-RING - Yes? 43 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:36,320 Bi-curious. 44 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:38,840 LAUGHTER 45 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:41,160 Is it like when you're in the bank 46 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:43,920 and you sort of lean forward like that, 47 00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:47,560 the hair brushes off all the little receipt stubs. 48 00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:48,640 Like that... 49 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:52,000 And the bankers are sat going, 50 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:54,800 "Brilliant, I don't have to go round and clean that up." 51 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:58,920 - Like a sort of a reverse Hoover. - Right, OK. Fair enough. 52 00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:01,680 What do financiers look for, when are they happiest? 53 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:03,960 When they're rolling in money. 54 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:06,280 Yes, and when do they earn more money? 55 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:07,440 In the summer. 56 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:09,160 No! 57 00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:10,920 In the '60s. 58 00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:12,680 - LAUGHTER - Yes! 59 00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:15,200 What's the word for a period of prosperity? 60 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:18,640 - Boom. - A boom, as opposed to a bust or a recession. 61 00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:22,640 Now, it just so happens that throughout the 20th century, 62 00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:25,520 the length of women's skirts in fashion 63 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:31,240 was exactly correlated to the rise and fall of the stock market. 64 00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:33,800 And as skirts got shorter and shorter, 65 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:37,240 right up to the Wall Street crash, the flapper skirts, 66 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:40,720 and then instantly skirt lengths got longer again 67 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,360 during the depression. 68 00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:45,360 And the long hair is correspondingly... 69 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:47,040 Long hair means a boom? 70 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:48,960 Yes, it's a negative correlation. 71 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:51,880 The further down the hair, the further up the market. 72 00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:57,040 There are other indicators, or at least, things that go with boom and bust sales... 73 00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:58,680 Dogs in bags. 74 00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:02,160 - Dogs in bags. - Dogs in bags, I would imagine that's a boom thing. 75 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:04,120 Isn't that like an Essex delicacy? 76 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:07,960 "Can I have a couple of dogs in bags, mate? Couple of them." 77 00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:10,440 - Chicken in a basket. - Yeah, chicken in a basket. 78 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:12,240 Lovely! 79 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:14,000 It's a Korean delicacy. 80 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:15,400 - LAUGHTER - People buy more 81 00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:18,280 perishable foods during a boom, 82 00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:21,400 you know, meats and fish and things like that, and the more... 83 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:23,760 pastas and things you can store, during a bust. 84 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:27,480 Anyway, it seems that according to hemline theory, 85 00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:30,520 girls' hemlines go up as the market goes up 86 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:32,880 and so when a banker looks at a girl's legs 87 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:34,920 his mind is strictly on business. 88 00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:40,320 What starts with H and means you'll always be the bridesmaid and never the bride? 89 00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:41,720 RING-RING 90 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:43,040 Phill Jupitus. 91 00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:44,680 Hepatitis C. 92 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:47,120 LAUGHTER 93 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,840 APPLAUSE 94 00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:53,680 Ohhh! 95 00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:58,040 Oddly enough, you're surprisingly close! 96 00:04:58,040 --> 00:05:00,760 - RING-RING - Oh! Herpes. 97 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:02,000 - LAUGHTER - Well... 98 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,520 - BONG - You got the right first and last letter. 99 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:05,680 Halitosis? 100 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,320 Halitosis is the right answer. 101 00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:10,680 I could have come up with that and got the laugh in the first place. 102 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:12,000 LAUGHTER 103 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:13,320 Halitosis was made up. 104 00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:15,120 It was made up by Listerine, 105 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:18,520 the company that made Listerine - Lambert Pharmaca. 106 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:22,080 And they had this product who they named after Joseph Lister - 107 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:24,080 the father of antiseptic surgery 108 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:26,360 who made everybody wash and everything 109 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:28,920 and they used it first of all as an anti-septic 110 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:31,160 and then without changing the formula, 111 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:32,880 it was for washing floors, 112 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:36,360 and then it was a cure for gonorrhoea, then they thought, 113 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:38,760 we'll call it a mouthwash. Same thing! 114 00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:42,040 Was there a point where that was combined? 115 00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:45,600 It was like a gonorrhoea thing and then, actually, my mouth's quite... 116 00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:46,840 LAUGHTER 117 00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:50,000 Oh, me halitosis is gone there. 118 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:53,200 They invented, essentially, this new product - a mouthwash. 119 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:57,920 It never existed before. So they had to invent a problem for it to solve 120 00:05:57,920 --> 00:06:01,520 and they started this campaign saying, you know, 121 00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:06,480 hotel clerks say that one in three guests who check in have halitosis 122 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:10,080 and dentists saying that 83% of patients have halitosis 123 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:13,640 and people began to get very nervous about their breath. 124 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:16,760 Of course people have dog breath - let's be honest, there are - 125 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:18,760 and dogs, I dare say, have people breath. 126 00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:20,840 How can you tell someone? 127 00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:25,040 It's so difficult. That was part of one of their campaigns actually. 128 00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:27,160 That's why packets of mints were invented. 129 00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:29,760 I always feel like if someone's offering me a mint, 130 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:31,920 that's definitely what they're saying. 131 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:35,320 It's true, I mean these were the kinds of things they used 132 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:36,880 as advertising slogans. 133 00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:39,360 They went from a tiny company to a vast one. 134 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:42,320 By inventing a name for something that was quite... 135 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:45,920 Calling it a disease and people thought, "Oh, I've got halitosis 136 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:48,960 "and this is a medical product that will deal with it." 137 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:52,160 And no-one before... People had probably eaten things 138 00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:54,640 to sweeten their breath before, but, er... 139 00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:57,720 I had a picture taken once with a koala... 140 00:06:57,720 --> 00:06:59,440 LAUGHTER 141 00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:04,120 You could just leave that there. 142 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:06,160 LAUGHTER 143 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:09,960 And it was eating eucalyptus leaves, like they do, which are poisonous, 144 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:14,080 but they've got a 48-mile intestine or something and they can digest... 145 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:15,560 But its breath was amazing. 146 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:17,320 It's sweet, it's lovely, isn't it? 147 00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:19,720 It was pure eucalyptus, it was like Olbas Oil. 148 00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:22,120 Even their fur smells lovely. It is gorgeous. 149 00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:23,880 It looked at me and went, "Huhhh..." 150 00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:25,800 LAUGHTER 151 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:30,800 Is it the koala or is that the excuse you use 152 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,120 when you started putting the moves on it? 153 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,160 LAUGHTER 154 00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:37,640 Koala started it. 155 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:39,800 It was cuddling me, next thing you know, 156 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:42,200 beautiful breath, I thought I'd have a go. 157 00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:45,920 None of that happened. 158 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:47,640 You say it didn't happen. 159 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:49,960 If you had a bad throat could you get a koala, 160 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,160 put it in a big bowl and then a tea towel... 161 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:54,360 LAUGHTER 162 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:55,600 It'd be a way to cure it. 163 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:58,480 You wouldn't want your wife coming in and seeing that. 164 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:02,240 - No. Sorry, darling, it just frothed in my mouth. - No! 165 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:06,000 Oh, Lord. 166 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:09,200 Why not buy one of my outback inhalers? 167 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:11,560 They're cuddly and gorgeous. 168 00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:14,520 People just sucking on a koala. 169 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:17,320 Here he is, the little critter, here he comes now. 170 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:20,080 Or, Australian asthmatics going, "Oh, no, dear," 171 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:25,480 getting the koala out. Just holding his balls and going... 172 00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:28,320 ROSS: Wouldn't that have been brilliant if... 173 00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:32,080 Why his balls?! You tickle his feet! 174 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:35,280 LAUGHTER 175 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,400 Poor little fella. 176 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:41,360 It lets all the female koalas off the hook though, doesn't it? 177 00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:43,280 That would be brilliant if in Star Wars, 178 00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:46,600 when they took off Vader's helmet he just had a koala in there. 179 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:50,440 HE INHALES LIKE DARTH VADER "Oh, that's better." 180 00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:52,080 LAUGHTER 181 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:55,640 So - halitosis was invented by an advertising agency to shift mouthwash. 182 00:08:55,640 --> 00:09:01,000 Now, to handedness. Who might use a left-handed motorbike? 183 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:04,840 - Aww. - Funny outfit I've got on. 184 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:08,960 - Yeah, do you remember wearing that? - No. I remember that motorbike ride, 185 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,520 that was exhilarating. 186 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:13,280 Is it one-armed men? 187 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:16,680 No. I mean, I guess they would have a use for it. 188 00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:19,600 Because there was a real market for left-handed... 189 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:22,640 - By which you mean throttle on the left? - Yep. - GONG 190 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:27,320 Was it something to do with needing your right hand free for 191 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:28,640 - holding a gun, or... - Yes! 192 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:33,240 - Spot on. Holding a gun. - Where can I get one of these motorbikes? 193 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,960 LAUGHTER 194 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:38,640 They turned the company that made them - the Indian motorcycle company - 195 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:42,880 there they are, the Indians - it's an American motorcycle company. 196 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:46,440 Between the wars, they were the largest motorcycle company in the world. 197 00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:49,600 And part of it was because they sold so many of these left-handed bikes 198 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:52,680 - to... - Cowboys? - The police. - Ah, the police. 199 00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:56,360 Police all over America, so they could drive and accelerate 200 00:09:56,360 --> 00:10:00,080 - and kill people with guns at the same time. - Why didn't they just 201 00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:03,200 - fix a bayonet on the front? - That would be fun. 202 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:07,240 In fact, I'm thinking of getting one of those for my motorbike 203 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:09,000 - for cyclists. - Really? - Yeah. 204 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:12,240 - A bayonet? - Not to stab them or anything. Just a cheeky... 205 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,600 Cheeky little poke. 206 00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:17,320 - It doesn't need to be a bayonet, then. - Well... 207 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:20,600 If you can use a bayonet, then use a bayonet, that's what I say. 208 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:23,120 - It could be something else, like a... - A broom handle. 209 00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:26,400 A cucumber or something. You don't need a right-handed... 210 00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:30,000 If you've just got a bloke at your side, you're fine! 211 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:33,480 Unfortunately that was the only photograph we could find. 212 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:36,080 I've got some left-handed things here, 213 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:37,880 some of which you can see the point of. 214 00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:43,760 This is a left-handed Biro, or pen, it's rather peculiar shape. 215 00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:45,880 It makes me feel sick looking at it. 216 00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:51,400 It's strange. I think the idea is so you don't smudge... 217 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:55,880 Left-handed people are naturally evil, that's what they say, isn't it? 218 00:10:55,880 --> 00:11:02,720 That's a well-known fact. Those pens, all they write is, "I will kill again, I will kill again..." 219 00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:06,560 Possessed pen, is it? 220 00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:10,640 - It's really hard to write with. - This is a left-handed... 221 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:13,480 Do you want to try that with your right hand? 222 00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:16,720 - It'll drive me crazy. - Have any left-handed people in the audience 223 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:20,080 ever found that pencil sharpeners are a real bore, 224 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:23,440 - in a right-handed world? - That has already annoyed me. 225 00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:28,000 Well, that's how a left-handed person would feel with our thing. 226 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:31,560 Well, they should have just adapted when they were younger. 227 00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:33,320 Whoa! 228 00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:35,520 What's wrong with having a stutter? 229 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:40,480 - It's not a condition, being left-handed! - Well, you say that. 230 00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:44,800 Left-handed scissors are well-known. 231 00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:48,840 Don't give a left-hander scissors, they'll stab you in the face. 232 00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:53,680 Stab you in the face soon as look at you. 233 00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:56,560 JACK: It's where the word sinister comes from, isn't it? 234 00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:59,960 Sinister is the Latin for left. If you're ambisinistrous, 235 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:04,080 - what does that mean? - Left-handed and left-footed. 236 00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:06,720 It means you're crap with both hands. 237 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:09,280 Ambidextrous is you're good with both hands, 238 00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:11,760 ambisinistrous, can't write with either hand! 239 00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:14,880 But this, this will annoy you then. 240 00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:16,920 A left-handed can opener. 241 00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:22,080 Just assume that all left-handed people are just as annoyed by right-handed things. 242 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:25,040 - But... - They're a minority so they should be punished... 243 00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:28,000 One of those could turn up in your kitchen with no warning. 244 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:30,880 You'd wake up in the morning and go, "Oh...WHAT?!" 245 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:36,640 The only thing that could annoy Jack more now is if he opens that can 246 00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:38,480 and it's all left-handed peaches. 247 00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:44,240 Just imagine! 248 00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:48,480 Well, thank you. You can give them back, I can see they've upset you. 249 00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:51,680 There is a left-handed shop where you can buy all these things 250 00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:56,080 and my sister is left-handed and one Christmas, I thought, I will buy her something, 251 00:12:56,080 --> 00:13:00,000 it'll be thoughtful. I found the shop and went bang, right into it, 252 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:02,360 of course, the door opened on the other side. 253 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:09,240 There's another motorbike question that might interest you. 254 00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:13,480 Why do you think motorbikes aren't charged congestion fees? 255 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:14,840 RING-A-DING! 256 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:18,480 - Ross Noble. - You're expecting us to say cos they don't cause congestion 257 00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:21,680 and the thing will go WHOOP! But it's because of the cameras. 258 00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:25,000 - Yes. - Motorbikes have a plate on the back 259 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,600 and they don't have a plate on the front. 260 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:32,400 - Yeah. - So the camera only takes a photo from the front so there's no way of knowing who it is... 261 00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:34,040 You are absolutely right 262 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:35,720 and there are points for that. 263 00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:36,760 APPLAUSE 264 00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:39,640 I just... 265 00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:41,600 Very good. 266 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:45,680 I'd just like to point out that is the only thing I know. 267 00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:46,880 The only thing. 268 00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:51,600 And it's come up. I can't believe that in my brain, you started saying that, I went, 269 00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:54,960 "I know what he's going to say here. I can use my one bit of knowledge." 270 00:13:54,960 --> 00:14:00,360 - Superb. Well done. Very good indeed. - They used to have a number plate on the front mudguard. 271 00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:02,960 - They did, sideways on. - Absolutely lethal. 272 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:07,320 That's why all cars now are all smooth, soft-fronted things. 273 00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:10,240 - Yeah. - JACK: It's actually now safe to be run over. 274 00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:13,840 - Yes. - It's perfectly fine. 275 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:16,720 ROSS: It would be brilliant if they had external airbags. 276 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:20,200 As soon as you hit somebody, your car became a bouncy castle. 277 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:23,320 It'd be brilliant. You'd be walking along... Oh, no! 278 00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:25,200 And then, BANG! Heyyy! 279 00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:32,440 You'd get collateral damage, a passer-by getting shot into a shop window. 280 00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:38,760 Or he's just about to be run over and go, "Oh, better take me shoes off." 281 00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:44,520 Thank you. Good, well, 282 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:50,040 left-handed motorcycles allowed right-handed American policemen to shoot at people whilst chasing them. 283 00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:53,680 Now, why would a hoplophobe be particularly nervous 284 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:59,040 of a Sturmgewehr vierundvierzig with a Krummlauf modification? 285 00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:01,800 BICYCLE BELL TINGS 286 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:03,000 Cos he was French. 287 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,560 LAUGHTER 288 00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:09,240 Yeah, kind of... It is of course a German something - 289 00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:11,200 Sturmgewehr 44. 290 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:12,960 Is it a firearm? 291 00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:16,160 - It is a firearm. - A machine gun? - It's not a machine gun. - No? 292 00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:18,520 - Funnily enough...I have one. - MAN: Assault rifle? 293 00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:22,520 Oh, assault rifle. Somebody speaks German there. Sturmgewehr. 294 00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:25,000 That was slightly scary, wasn't it? 295 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,200 LAUGHTER 296 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:29,880 - You know you said that out loud?! - "It's an assault rifle..." 297 00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:33,880 "I've got eight in my bunker." 298 00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:35,920 LAUGHTER 299 00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:39,120 "I can't tell you where, it's a secret location." 300 00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:41,400 "I've got hundreds of these as well." 301 00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,360 "Come the day..." 302 00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:46,240 - Would you like to see one? - "Come the day..." 303 00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:47,520 LAUGHTER 304 00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:49,080 "..we'll be ready." 305 00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:53,280 - They're very big, very heavy... - All your Christmases have come at once. 306 00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:55,280 You've got no idea what you're doing. 307 00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:57,840 There's the Sturmgewehr, which is a German 308 00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:02,240 Second World War assault rifle. The first assault rifle there ever was. 309 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:06,160 - But the Krummlauf is the interesting part. - Oh, I can see it. 310 00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:09,040 The Krummlauf is this modification... 311 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:11,200 They don't like it up 'em(!) 312 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:12,360 LAUGHTER 313 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:14,880 So...this is a genuine article. 314 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:17,320 It's brought to us by our very nice friends 315 00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:19,200 from the Royal Armouries in Leeds, 316 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:21,960 it's going to spend the night in the Tower of London tonight, 317 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:24,160 and this is this extraordinary Krummlauf... 318 00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:27,720 - You can shoot over the trench. - You shoot over a wall or round a corner, 319 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:30,960 and this is a periscope. And so if I'm here, I can actually... 320 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:34,600 I assure you, it HAS been deactivated. 321 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,800 There's no chance, it's been checked and double-checked, but I can see 322 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:41,360 the audience in my... And I can see the sights as well in the periscope. 323 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:44,800 Yes, it's been converted into a waterer for flower baskets. 324 00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:47,240 I can point at the back row of the audience, 325 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,520 or, as you rightly say, round a corner. 326 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:54,000 But there's another gun, isn't there, that actually shoots round a corner? 327 00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:57,760 Yes, the Israeli army uses that. We might even have a picture of it. 328 00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:00,080 It's a much more modern development. 329 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:02,640 There it is. That really is extraordinary. 330 00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:06,240 And behind, though, is the first of its kind, a very simple invention, 331 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:09,720 an Australian invention in the First World War, where you see a genuine 332 00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:11,960 rifle on top of the trench and a thing holding it 333 00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:14,120 and a periscope, looking through the sight. 334 00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:17,360 - Quite clever. - But, much cooler just to go... 335 00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:20,320 - Oh, yes. You're so right. - LAUGHTER 336 00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:24,040 There it is. 1943 it was invented, they started making them in '44. 337 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:27,720 It was too late - Jerry didn't win the war, as you probably know. 338 00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:29,880 We gave them a bit of an old spanking, in fact. 339 00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:31,600 LAUGHTER 340 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:36,080 But this was in great demand for the Panzer people, in their tanks... 341 00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:40,960 Please tell me on the other side of the desk you've got the left-handed one. 342 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,920 ROSS: That one that goes round the corner - 343 00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:45,600 do they have ones that go that way and ones that go that way? 344 00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:49,240 Cos that would really annoy you if you ran up and you went, "Oh, no..." 345 00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:50,560 LAUGHTER 346 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:53,600 "I've got to go all the way round the block!" 347 00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:55,520 LAUGHTER 348 00:17:57,520 --> 00:18:00,920 It was invented by a man called Hans-Joachim Shayede, 349 00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:03,320 who was a washing machine manufacturer, in fact... 350 00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:04,880 So it's got a spin cycle? 351 00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:06,440 LAUGHTER 352 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:09,040 So was he just trying to drum up a bit of business - 353 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,200 on the adverts where they go, "It gets blood out. 354 00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,200 "Oh, I tell you what... HE MIMICS RIFLE FIRE 355 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:15,320 "You'll be needing a washing machine." 356 00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:20,160 And I said a hoplophobe, and a hoplophobe is someone who hates weapons. 357 00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:23,840 I thought it was someone who's scared of hooplas. 358 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:27,800 According to urbandictionary.com - this literally is their definition - 359 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:31,080 "An irrational fear of weapons, generally guns, 360 00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:34,160 "usually occurring as a result of a liberal upbringing, 361 00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:37,200 "or the fact the person is just a wimp in general. 362 00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,120 LAUGHTER 363 00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:44,240 "Rather than deal with the fear, said hoplophobe will assign human characteristics to a weapon, 364 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:47,440 "i.e. "guns are evil" or "guns kill", 365 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:52,680 "to justify the fear rather than deal with the core problem of being a sissy." 366 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:54,760 LAUGHTER 367 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:57,400 - I'll tell you something. - Yeah? - He wrote that. 368 00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:58,480 LAUGHTER 369 00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:01,160 He may have done. Assault rifle. 370 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:05,040 - ROSS: I bet he wrote it with a left-handed pen. - Don't play with it 371 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:08,600 because they did ask that nobody else touch it because it's very valuable. 372 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:10,720 I was going to make it go over the desk! 373 00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:12,160 LAUGHTER 374 00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:16,720 I'm sorry. I'm afraid I was given a specific, "Alan not to touch." 375 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,760 LAUGHTER 376 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:20,520 It's very valuable. 377 00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:23,320 I love the fact that somewhere there's a memo that just says, 378 00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:26,480 "Machine gun. For Stephen Fry's use only." 379 00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:27,720 LAUGHTER 380 00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:29,240 "What?!" 381 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:32,480 Anyway, yes - the age-old problem of firing guns round corners 382 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:35,360 has been solved by making guns that fire round corners. 383 00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:37,720 Time to inject a bit of humour and hilarity, 384 00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:42,640 so why did the bomb disposal expert go to the joke shop? 385 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:46,240 Something you can get there that helps with bomb disposing? 386 00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:50,200 - Fake poos. - LAUGHTER 387 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:53,600 - Take me through the chain of... - I don't know how... 388 00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:56,120 Is it er...whoopee cushions? 389 00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:59,800 Put a whoopee cushion under, to release the pressure plate? 390 00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:03,320 That's quite smart thinking. It's not that, actually. 391 00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:06,000 They're called ammunition technicians, and they use 392 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,760 a thing you might get in a joke shop or a party shop... 393 00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:11,000 - A flower that sprays water. - It is something you spray. 394 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,960 - Oh, is it that squirty stuff... - ROSS: Silly string. 395 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:17,640 Silly string! Now, what use would silly string be? 396 00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:21,280 Does it fill up the fuse area and block everything up? 397 00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:24,600 No, it's not that. It's in case there are invisible tripwires - 398 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:27,960 and you spray it, and they fall on the tripwire without triggering it. 399 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:32,920 And particularly they have fluorescent silly string, so in dark corners where you might... 400 00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:37,760 There's always the possibility, because so many bombs are booby-trapped. 401 00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:42,200 It's nice that that's a real thing, but I just prefer them leaning over a bomb going... 402 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:45,000 HE MIMICS PARTY HOOTER 403 00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:50,040 - In a big Margaret Thatcher mask. - LAUGHTER 404 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:51,880 With a rubber chicken. 405 00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:57,480 I have to say, that would have improved that film The Hurt Locker. 406 00:20:57,480 --> 00:21:00,520 - Yes! - "Hey-hey!" 407 00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:04,240 PHILL MIMICS NOISEMAKER 408 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:06,040 PHILL MIMICS HORN 409 00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:08,280 Anyway... 410 00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:12,960 The army uses silly string to check for tripwires in booby-trapped houses. 411 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:17,680 From houses to holes, you can't fit a square peg in a round hole. 412 00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:22,880 So how would you make a square hole with a round drill? 413 00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:26,560 - That's the question. Can it be done? Yes, Jack Dee? - BELL TOLLS 414 00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:30,680 I would drill four small holes that, don't laugh before it's happened... 415 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:33,280 LAUGHTER 416 00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:36,720 I might surprise you yet. I'm thinking while I talk. 417 00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:41,720 I would drill four small holes that would describe a square... 418 00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:47,840 - The corners? - Corners and then with a hacksaw I would join them and knock the square through. 419 00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:55,120 It's a way of punching a square into the surface, but there is actually a way of using a round drill bit. 420 00:21:55,120 --> 00:21:57,440 Well, my way's better. 421 00:21:57,440 --> 00:22:01,000 That would be brilliant if it had gone "woo-woo" 422 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:04,280 - at every word you said... - One day! 423 00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:08,760 Don't laugh before you've... 424 00:22:11,040 --> 00:22:14,960 There's a particular shape, a sort of circular triangle 425 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:19,000 which when it revolves, a part of it makes a square. 426 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:21,120 A circular triangle? 427 00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:23,040 Well... 428 00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:24,320 Oh, no, no, no! 429 00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:27,760 This is your first time. This sort of thing happens all the time! 430 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:31,120 "It's a sort of circular triangle!" 431 00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:36,040 Yes and it makes a square! 432 00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:39,240 It's not the fact that I'm boggled by that, 433 00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:42,840 it's the fact I now realise there's a possibility 434 00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:46,880 that you could have a Toblerone-Rolo combo. 435 00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:52,520 I've dreamt about that for years. 436 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:56,920 Do you know the weird thing? Do you know what will freak you out completely, Ross Noble? 437 00:22:56,920 --> 00:23:00,240 Is the name for this form a triangle is a Reuleaux. 438 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:02,960 It genuinely is! 439 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:09,520 You have to have points for that. You somehow found a triangle that was a Reuleaux. 440 00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:13,760 It's a Reuleaux triangle, that's what it's called. It's a very particular shape. 441 00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:16,560 If we come on this show and we discover things, 442 00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:21,320 what I like tonight is I've just discovered the best three words to hear in a Geordie accent 443 00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:23,000 are, "Toblerone-Rolo combo". 444 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:28,400 Thanks, now everyone I meet's going to go, "Can you say Toblerone, please? 445 00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:31,520 "Go on, Geordie man, dance for us." 446 00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:35,200 You've got to form a band now. Called that. 447 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:38,240 - Me and Cheryl Cole? - Yes! 448 00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:40,480 LAUGHTER 449 00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:44,240 Her, me and Jimmy Nail as a trio. 450 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:47,840 "Ladies and gentlemen, the Toblerone-Rolo Combo!" 451 00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:51,640 - You're not going to play the trombone? - The trombone? 452 00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:53,560 My God. 453 00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:54,680 Right, OK... 454 00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:58,360 - Do you want to see a picture of this Reuleaux triangle? - Yes. 455 00:23:58,360 --> 00:24:01,520 - A Reuleaux triangle... - Is it only available in airports? 456 00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:04,400 No, let's roll it... There. 457 00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:09,080 Now, you see that's a sort of round-ended triangle. 458 00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:13,920 There it is and that is the drill bit and it is describing a square, if you see, exactly. 459 00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:16,160 Isn't that crazy? 460 00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:18,160 How loony is that? 461 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:20,600 You've sickened me. 462 00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:25,800 Now that shape may be familiar if you like cars and bikes. 463 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:29,560 It's a type of piston, rotary piston which is known as a... 464 00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:33,440 - A Wankel. - A Wankel or "Vankel" if we prefer to say it that way. 465 00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:37,680 - Wankel was a bloke though, wasn't he? - He was. Mr Wankel was indeed a bloke. 466 00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:40,560 That's all you could do. If your name was Wankel. 467 00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:46,080 You'd go, "What are you going to do?" "Well, it's going to have to be engines, isn't it? 468 00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:47,760 "Or sex toys!" 469 00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:51,800 And I for one, looking at that, am glad that he went the engine path, 470 00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:55,080 because I can't see that as being particularly comfortable. 471 00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:58,080 There's nothing worse than a motorised sex toy, 472 00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:01,120 just the fact that at the end of the bed, the bloke from the AA 473 00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:03,920 just like, "Try it now. Try it now." 474 00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:06,160 LAUGHTER 475 00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:11,160 Oh, my heavens! 476 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:14,960 Sorry, I'm going to have to tow you. 477 00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:19,360 As long as we don't go past my mum's house. 478 00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:22,520 APPLAUSE 479 00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:26,800 You've got the awful problem it's not doing it now. 480 00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:32,160 As soon as you come it's working perfectly. Sorry! 481 00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:34,560 Oh God! 482 00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:38,480 No, no. Right. 483 00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:47,000 Yeah, OK. So you can make a square hole with a round drill but... 484 00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:49,480 this is something more extraordinary in a way. 485 00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:53,280 This is from an ordinary cylinder. 486 00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:55,840 And all you do is just cut two wedges off it. 487 00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:59,200 As long as the cylinder is as long as it is wide, 488 00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:03,720 you cut the two wedges and you can do something again that you're not supposed to be able to do. 489 00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:06,480 Ah! Wedge the door open on a rabbit hutch? 490 00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:08,160 LAUGHTER 491 00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:10,640 No, it's rather amazing. 492 00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:14,560 You've got the three Play School windows, you've got the square, the triangle... 493 00:26:14,560 --> 00:26:17,880 - You can push it into all of them. - That is a square now, look. See? 494 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:19,400 It's a square. 495 00:26:23,360 --> 00:26:25,960 - Look. See, square? Square. - Go on. Put it through then. 496 00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:28,880 Also it's...hang on. 497 00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:30,880 It's also a triangle. 498 00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:33,560 - Yes? - Triangle. And...it's a circle. 499 00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:35,440 Isn't that amazing? 500 00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:37,320 - Can I...? - Just one shape. 501 00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:45,160 Can we just leave that, like at a playgroup and watch the kids' heads explode? 502 00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:46,560 Do you want to try? 503 00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:49,440 Put the round into the square. 504 00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:51,000 No, doesn't work now. 505 00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,240 - It's stopped working! - Stopped working. 506 00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:56,240 It's broken. Get the AA man. 507 00:26:57,520 --> 00:27:00,480 - Yeah, you got the circle. - Circle, good, yes. 508 00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:03,720 - Square? - Square, yes. - Very good. 509 00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:05,200 Triangle... 510 00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:10,760 JACK: He wasn't great at school, Alan. 511 00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:15,240 ROSS: Do you realise, if you get this through, a banana comes out of a chute? 512 00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:24,640 No bananas for you! 513 00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:26,880 - Hey! Hey! - Well done. 514 00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:30,720 - APPLAUSE - Well done. - I'm such a tool, aren't I? - "Don't patronise me!" 515 00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:34,280 - Excellent. - Applause for getting a bit of thing through a hole... 516 00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:38,120 So you can get a round peg into a square hole and a square peg in a round hole. 517 00:27:38,120 --> 00:27:41,520 I want to play with the gun that shoots round corners! 518 00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:46,400 - No, you can't play with the gun. - Special instructions?! "Don't let Alan play with it." 519 00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:51,600 Police were baffled in London tonight by a series of murders committed round corners. 520 00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:57,360 The fact is, thanks to the wonders of geometry, it's quite possible 521 00:27:57,360 --> 00:27:59,600 to drill a square hole with a circular bit. 522 00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:04,960 While we're sanding and polishing, what is the roundest thing in the universe? Yeah. 523 00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:07,120 No, just saying. 524 00:28:07,120 --> 00:28:08,840 Oh, no! Phill! 525 00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:11,560 - LAUGHTER - Ah, not at all. 526 00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:15,160 You should see it when... Er, no. The roundest thing in the universe? 527 00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:16,960 Ball bearings. 528 00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:20,680 - Ball bearings are quite round, but... - I swallowed a ball bearing once. 529 00:28:22,120 --> 00:28:25,160 Do you mean the smoothest, most rounded...? 530 00:28:25,160 --> 00:28:28,040 Yeah, the most purely, purely round. In other words... 531 00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:30,320 Cos if you... Well... 532 00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:33,640 The earth is, er, thingy as it's squashed. It's not round. 533 00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:35,240 It's an oblate spheroid. 534 00:28:35,240 --> 00:28:36,840 Oh, Nelly Furtado! 535 00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:39,200 LAUGHTER 536 00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:41,000 He's got a word for everything. 537 00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:43,840 Is it, er, a liquid drop, 538 00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:45,760 a water drop? 539 00:28:45,760 --> 00:28:47,360 They can get jolly round. 540 00:28:47,360 --> 00:28:49,480 They can be very round. 541 00:28:49,480 --> 00:28:53,400 We're actually further out of space than earth, beyond earth. 542 00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:55,400 It's a cosmic phenomenon. 543 00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:56,640 Is it a black hole? 544 00:28:56,640 --> 00:28:59,000 - It's that kind of a deal. - Oh, it's those, erm, 545 00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:03,800 space helmets, those big round space helmets, 546 00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:05,320 with the things on the top. 547 00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:08,480 JACK: Is it the thing called the genius point? 548 00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:13,200 - Is it the point to which everything... - Sucked in. - ..goes to ultimately. 549 00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:18,040 Not that. When a supernova has a gravitational collapse, it turns into something called...? 550 00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:19,600 A neutron star. 551 00:29:19,600 --> 00:29:22,680 JACK: Yeah. ROSS: Oh, the neutron star(!) 552 00:29:22,680 --> 00:29:26,000 - They're really round... - That's not round! 553 00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:31,480 - LAUGHTER - That's a supernova, I think. That's a supernova, going supernova. 554 00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:33,920 Then show us the round thing! 555 00:29:33,920 --> 00:29:35,520 The... 556 00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:37,520 LAUGHTER 557 00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:39,800 He's very upset, aren't you? 558 00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:40,840 YES! 559 00:29:40,840 --> 00:29:43,120 It only has a diameter of about 15 miles or so 560 00:29:43,120 --> 00:29:46,720 and there isn't one near enough to be able to see it with the naked eye. 561 00:29:46,720 --> 00:29:50,520 Have you ever noticed how we always have to take Stephen's word for it? 562 00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:54,520 What's interesting is, if I had a thimble full of a neutron star, 563 00:29:54,520 --> 00:29:57,080 it would weigh more than a mountain. 564 00:29:57,080 --> 00:29:59,280 Yeah, but you don't! 565 00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:02,000 I'll tell you what, 566 00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:05,320 imagine how confused the old woman darning your socks would be 567 00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:09,400 if you had a thimble full of it. She was just trying to fix a hole and... Whoomph! 568 00:30:09,400 --> 00:30:12,360 It was all space and time coming out of a thimble. 569 00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:14,920 That's no way to treat the elderly. 570 00:30:14,920 --> 00:30:19,200 - So you put a thimble down and no-one could pick it up. - No-one. 571 00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:24,640 And when you've got a good cleaning lady, you want to hang onto them. You don't want to mess them around! 572 00:30:24,640 --> 00:30:29,680 "I'm leaving, Mr Dee." Why? "It's all this space business with your thimbles. I don't like it." 573 00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:34,480 It might have double the mass of the sun, but it's only 15 miles across roughly. 574 00:30:34,480 --> 00:30:41,520 And the highest mountain on it is 5mm, so it is superbly round, as opposed to the earth, which... 575 00:30:41,520 --> 00:30:45,880 Although the earth is jolly round, apart from the flat bits at the top... 576 00:30:45,880 --> 00:30:49,920 The earth is jolly smooth compared to, say, a billiard ball. 577 00:30:49,920 --> 00:30:53,560 - Smoother than a ping-pong ball. - Yes, now why is that? 578 00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:56,520 I'm sorry, I did not know there would be a follow-up question. 579 00:30:56,520 --> 00:30:57,920 - Yeah! - LAUGHTER 580 00:30:58,920 --> 00:31:04,600 If you were to scale up a snooker ball to the size of the earth, 581 00:31:04,600 --> 00:31:08,520 the mountains and trenches would be HUGELY greater 582 00:31:08,520 --> 00:31:11,400 than our highest mountains or deepest trenches. 583 00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:15,000 The little pits you see when you examine a snooker ball closely, 584 00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:18,040 if scaled up to the size of the earth, would be gigantic! 585 00:31:18,040 --> 00:31:21,560 The earth is smoother than a billiard ball, which brings me round 586 00:31:21,560 --> 00:31:25,560 to a hypothetical question - what's made of jelly and lives forever? 587 00:31:25,560 --> 00:31:27,720 BICYCLE BELL TINGS 588 00:31:27,720 --> 00:31:30,520 Shark-infested custard? Wrong joke. 589 00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:35,800 - Is it a famous jelly? - Royal jelly. Bees? 590 00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:38,800 No. What lives and is made of jelly? 591 00:31:38,800 --> 00:31:42,960 - Jellyfish. - A jellyfish. What sort of jellyfish would live forever? 592 00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:44,840 - The Highlander! - An eternal jellyfish. 593 00:31:44,840 --> 00:31:48,400 An eternal, or as it is known, the immortal jellyfish. 594 00:31:48,400 --> 00:31:51,960 - The immortal jellyfish, as I was about to say. - Yes, you were. 595 00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:57,640 Turritopsis, is its proper name and the extraordinary thing about it is it doesn't die. 596 00:31:57,640 --> 00:32:00,880 What happens is after it sexes, er, after it sexes... 597 00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:03,000 I'm going to sex you! 598 00:32:04,720 --> 00:32:07,040 I'm a jellyfish and I'm going to sex you. 599 00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:09,520 After it's had sex is the normal way of saying it. 600 00:32:09,520 --> 00:32:11,680 Have sex? 601 00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:14,720 Marjorie, shall we sex?! Come on! 602 00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:19,320 - We haven't sexed for a good week. - I can't talk now, I'm sexing. 603 00:32:21,520 --> 00:32:23,920 Why don't we say that? It's perfectly logical. 604 00:32:23,920 --> 00:32:27,120 - Some of us do say that! - There you are! 605 00:32:27,120 --> 00:32:30,320 But anyway, after it's sexed, it can then turn back into a child. 606 00:32:30,320 --> 00:32:36,280 Its cells change, function, the muscle cells and the sperm cells and the egg cells change back 607 00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:41,880 and it literally goes as it were back in time and just starts again. But it's the same creature. 608 00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:44,680 That would be a bit unnerving for its partner though. 609 00:32:44,680 --> 00:32:47,240 You know what I mean? You've just made love and then... 610 00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:49,120 Can we watch Grange Hill? 611 00:32:51,000 --> 00:32:56,120 Of course they do die, because they get eaten or they get diseased, but they don't die of old age. 612 00:32:56,120 --> 00:33:01,920 I'm trying to work out which of those five phases is the emo one that doesn't talk to you for weeks. 613 00:33:03,520 --> 00:33:09,080 Well, now what about human attempts to be immortal or to rejuvenate at least? 614 00:33:09,080 --> 00:33:12,600 - What was the great popular one earlier in the 20th century? - Cliff Richard? 615 00:33:14,920 --> 00:33:18,440 - True. - Being frozen. Cryogenic. 616 00:33:18,440 --> 00:33:21,960 That doesn't rejuvenate, that's just waiting until there's a cure. 617 00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:23,480 Monkey glands, royal jelly. 618 00:33:23,480 --> 00:33:25,760 What do they mean by monkey glands? 619 00:33:25,760 --> 00:33:29,280 The glands of a monkey! 620 00:33:29,280 --> 00:33:33,080 They were not really glands though, were they? They were testicles. 621 00:33:33,080 --> 00:33:35,400 Have... No! 622 00:33:35,400 --> 00:33:39,000 Yes! It started as human testicles, I'm sorry to say. 623 00:33:39,000 --> 00:33:41,280 They're perfectly round... 624 00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:43,440 Get them into my thimble! 625 00:33:43,440 --> 00:33:49,000 If you were to scale them up to the size of the earth, they'd take hours to scratch. 626 00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:51,040 LAUGHTER 627 00:33:54,920 --> 00:33:56,640 Chinese farmers with rakes. 628 00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:01,040 Monkey balls. 629 00:34:01,040 --> 00:34:05,600 Monkey balls. There was a man called Serge Voronoff who was a Russian who lived in Paris... 630 00:34:05,600 --> 00:34:09,200 Whoa! Hello, ladies! 631 00:34:09,200 --> 00:34:12,320 And I'm talking about the dude in the middle. 632 00:34:12,320 --> 00:34:17,000 It started as human testicles, he would inject parts of the human testicle... 633 00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:20,600 Hang on, injecting parts of the human testicle? 634 00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:23,040 Is that what he told the ladies, was it? 635 00:34:23,040 --> 00:34:26,360 It was very popular and in fact Wolverhampton Wanderers, 636 00:34:26,360 --> 00:34:30,400 they had a striker in the late '40s called Dennis Westcott 637 00:34:30,400 --> 00:34:34,480 and the manager, the manager of Wolverhampton Wanderers, 638 00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:39,400 I like this period in English football when managers were called things like Major Frank Buckley. 639 00:34:39,400 --> 00:34:42,920 You don't get many Majors managering football teams anymore. 640 00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:43,960 Or indeed sexing. 641 00:34:43,960 --> 00:34:45,480 Or indeed sexing. 642 00:34:45,480 --> 00:34:50,880 I love the fact that you did one impersonation of me and now you can't use grammar at all. 643 00:34:53,160 --> 00:34:55,960 "Next week's QI has been cancelled. 644 00:34:55,960 --> 00:34:59,480 "Noble has infected Fry's brain." 645 00:34:59,480 --> 00:35:01,560 - "Welcome to QI! Way-hey!" - Major... 646 00:35:03,280 --> 00:35:06,360 "Get the monkey balls out, we're sexing it tonight." 647 00:35:07,760 --> 00:35:10,640 ALAN IMITATES MONKEY 648 00:35:10,640 --> 00:35:18,040 Major Frank Buckley insisted on his striker being injected with monkey testicles 649 00:35:18,040 --> 00:35:23,400 and amazingly he went on to score 38 goals in 35 games. Then... 650 00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:26,120 Then married hundreds of monkeys! 651 00:35:26,120 --> 00:35:29,120 Then the manager of Plymouth made his team 652 00:35:29,120 --> 00:35:32,000 inject themselves or be injected with monkey... 653 00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:34,400 That's got to be an interesting team talk. 654 00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:37,160 What I want you to do, lads... 655 00:35:40,280 --> 00:35:43,000 But it was, of course, bollocks in every sense. 656 00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:46,280 It was very fashionable. The search for eternal youth. 657 00:35:46,280 --> 00:35:49,280 And now, look on my works, ye mighty, and despair. 658 00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:51,800 It's time for General Ignorance. 659 00:35:51,800 --> 00:35:56,040 How do snakes manage when their lunch is bigger than their head? 660 00:35:56,040 --> 00:35:57,800 - HARMONY: Ring-a-ding! - Yes, Ross? 661 00:35:57,800 --> 00:35:59,160 They dislocate their jaw? 662 00:35:59,160 --> 00:36:02,760 - Oh, Ross, you were doing so well! - KLAXON 663 00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:05,840 I'm so sorry. This is a common misapprehension. 664 00:36:05,840 --> 00:36:09,400 They don't do any such thing, they just have very stretchy wide mouths. 665 00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:15,520 They have a special bone, which in mammals has become our anvil and other ear bones. 666 00:36:15,520 --> 00:36:19,440 The choice was I could either hear very well or eat something bigger than my head? 667 00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:22,400 Yes, essentially... 668 00:36:22,400 --> 00:36:24,960 Evolution! 669 00:36:26,480 --> 00:36:28,160 He can't hear you. 670 00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:29,960 But we've only got your word for it 671 00:36:29,960 --> 00:36:32,160 that that is a snake eating a mouse. 672 00:36:32,160 --> 00:36:36,400 That might be a new mouse creature that has a snake head. 673 00:36:36,400 --> 00:36:39,720 - It might! It's a lovely thought. - I'll have them points back, please. 674 00:36:39,720 --> 00:36:42,000 Doesn't it slip out or something? 675 00:36:42,000 --> 00:36:44,320 No, it's a double-jointed hinge. 676 00:36:44,320 --> 00:36:47,320 Is that what they use on snakeskin handbags? 677 00:36:47,320 --> 00:36:48,960 To get the... 678 00:36:48,960 --> 00:36:52,040 Gosh, that would be a very impressive handbag, wouldn't it? 679 00:36:52,040 --> 00:36:57,000 But sometimes they do over-reach themselves. There was a case in 2005 in the Everglades of Florida 680 00:36:57,000 --> 00:37:01,320 where a Burmese python attempted to eat a whole alligator 681 00:37:01,320 --> 00:37:05,360 and it got into it, that is an alligator inside a snake. 682 00:37:05,360 --> 00:37:12,200 But the alligator was still alive inside the snake and tore at the stomach and the python exploded. 683 00:37:12,200 --> 00:37:16,520 - So...isn't that extraordinary? - Who lived? Who survived? 684 00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:20,440 I think the alligator was probably dead as well, unfortunately by this time. 685 00:37:20,440 --> 00:37:24,080 - So not a happy ending? - There were no winners. - No, no winners. 686 00:37:24,080 --> 00:37:28,640 What, you may ask, was a Burmese python doing in the middle of Florida? 687 00:37:28,640 --> 00:37:31,280 - He was on holiday. - He was on holiday! 688 00:37:31,280 --> 00:37:34,240 - A very popular destination! - It's a popular destination! 689 00:37:34,240 --> 00:37:37,440 They're popular pets and that's the reason they're in Florida, 690 00:37:37,440 --> 00:37:40,640 because they escape and they find the swamps very similar 691 00:37:40,640 --> 00:37:43,920 to the Burmese swamp "where the python romp," as Noel Coward puts it. 692 00:37:43,920 --> 00:37:48,680 So yes, snakes don't actually dislocate their jaws to swallow. 693 00:37:48,680 --> 00:37:50,560 They just have stretchy mouths. 694 00:37:50,560 --> 00:37:54,280 What does a judge do when he wants order in his court? 695 00:37:54,280 --> 00:37:56,120 Here? 696 00:37:56,120 --> 00:37:59,120 - Yes? - BICYCLE BELL TINGS 697 00:37:59,120 --> 00:38:00,840 He bangs his gavel. 698 00:38:00,840 --> 00:38:03,200 - No! - KLAXON 699 00:38:04,480 --> 00:38:08,280 British judges have never had gavels. They do on some television programmes. 700 00:38:08,280 --> 00:38:12,320 It may be because I think props people think it looks good but they've never had them. 701 00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:17,200 Sometimes if they're conducting an auction at the same time, they do. 702 00:38:17,200 --> 00:38:20,280 But it's unlikely that's going to happen. 703 00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:21,800 Auctioneers do have gavels. 704 00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:26,200 - Judges? - Judges don't have gavels. No. - You've got one there. 705 00:38:26,200 --> 00:38:30,880 I was a judge in Kingdom and I had a gavel in that. 706 00:38:30,880 --> 00:38:34,160 - You were. Oh, did you? - I think so, yes. I seem to remember. 707 00:38:34,160 --> 00:38:37,720 - We got that wrong. - Another reason why that show was cancelled! 708 00:38:40,160 --> 00:38:43,560 British judges have never used gavels, unlike American judges. 709 00:38:43,560 --> 00:38:48,840 And finally, the notorious pirate, Blackbeard, has just given me a map. 710 00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:50,360 What does the X mark? 711 00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:52,720 The spot. 712 00:38:52,720 --> 00:38:55,560 - KLAXON - No! 713 00:38:55,560 --> 00:39:01,600 If anything, I suppose, it may well be a signature because he probably can't write. 714 00:39:01,600 --> 00:39:06,040 Most pirates couldn't. The fact is, there is no case in history that anyone knows of 715 00:39:06,040 --> 00:39:10,200 of pirates burying treasure and drawing maps with X on. 716 00:39:10,200 --> 00:39:13,920 - It all comes from... - Treasure Island. - By Robert Louis Stevenson. 717 00:39:13,920 --> 00:39:16,880 Why would a pirate want to bury treasure? 718 00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:19,240 To stop the other pirates getting it! 719 00:39:19,240 --> 00:39:22,440 - But you want to spend it. - They can hardly go to Bradford And Bingley! 720 00:39:22,440 --> 00:39:26,560 IMITATES PIRATE: "Hello, we've got a chest full of dubloons and booty." 721 00:39:26,560 --> 00:39:29,880 Yes, would you like fixed term or extended interest? 722 00:39:29,880 --> 00:39:35,040 Oh, God! I went to Bradford And Bingley and got stuck behind a bloody pirate! 723 00:39:35,040 --> 00:39:38,800 I was there my whole lunch hour. 724 00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:40,720 I've got 20 Portuguese whores! 725 00:39:40,720 --> 00:39:43,760 That's why they brought in those pens on chains - 726 00:39:43,760 --> 00:39:46,800 they couldn't get it with a hook. They'd be like that. 727 00:39:46,800 --> 00:39:49,760 So they just hook a pen and it would go like that 728 00:39:49,760 --> 00:39:51,440 and then you just do this. 729 00:39:51,440 --> 00:39:53,160 LAUGHTER 730 00:39:53,160 --> 00:39:55,280 There are a lot of myths about pirates. 731 00:39:55,280 --> 00:39:59,640 Look at that man's face! It's the colour of a strawberry! That's incredible! 732 00:39:59,640 --> 00:40:00,720 You know who that is? 733 00:40:00,720 --> 00:40:02,960 - No, I don't. - It's Robert, erm... - Newton. - Yeah. 734 00:40:02,960 --> 00:40:07,160 Who really invented pirate speak, that, "Ooh arr, Jim lad!" 735 00:40:07,160 --> 00:40:08,840 That's Robert Newton. 736 00:40:08,840 --> 00:40:13,040 In fact, Tony Hancock's career started as a Robert Newton impersonator. 737 00:40:13,040 --> 00:40:14,760 That's what Tony Hancock did. 738 00:40:14,760 --> 00:40:19,160 That was his act. There's an international talk-like-a-pirate day in September. 739 00:40:19,160 --> 00:40:21,960 - Somalian. - Somalian, yes! 740 00:40:21,960 --> 00:40:23,600 LAUGHTER 741 00:40:25,000 --> 00:40:29,560 I met a kid from Somalia. He came up alongside me on his pushbike. 742 00:40:29,560 --> 00:40:33,120 He said, "You is on TV, innit? You is on TV, innit?" 743 00:40:33,120 --> 00:40:35,360 I said, "Yes, yes. Nice to see you." 744 00:40:35,360 --> 00:40:39,520 "Don't walk away, don't walk away. You've got to help me get into TV." 745 00:40:39,520 --> 00:40:41,720 I said, "OK, well..." "How do I get in?" 746 00:40:41,720 --> 00:40:45,600 I said, "Well, join your local drama group..." I don't know what I said! 747 00:40:45,600 --> 00:40:49,880 He goes, "I'm Somalian, but I can do Eritrean." 748 00:40:49,880 --> 00:40:52,840 - LAUGHTER - That's fantastic! 749 00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:57,400 There may be a demand for that somewhere. 750 00:40:57,400 --> 00:41:01,520 I said, "I'll see what I can do. I'll speak to the producers of Jonathan Creek." 751 00:41:01,520 --> 00:41:03,280 On that bombshell, 752 00:41:03,280 --> 00:41:07,160 pirates very rarely buried treasure. They preferred to spend it. 753 00:41:07,160 --> 00:41:10,280 They never used a map with an X to help them locate it. That's it! 754 00:41:10,280 --> 00:41:13,360 We've hobbled our way through higgledy-piggledy hodgepodge 755 00:41:13,360 --> 00:41:16,840 and all that remains is the humiliation of the final scores. 756 00:41:16,840 --> 00:41:18,520 My goodness, my gracious, my knee. 757 00:41:18,520 --> 00:41:24,840 Holding his head high this week with a staggering plus 2 points is Jack Dee! 758 00:41:24,840 --> 00:41:26,360 Yes. 759 00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:28,400 APPLAUSE 760 00:41:30,600 --> 00:41:32,720 And... 761 00:41:32,720 --> 00:41:37,600 holding his own in second place, a very creditable entry into the QI stakes 762 00:41:37,600 --> 00:41:40,440 is our newcomer Ross Noble with -6. 763 00:41:40,440 --> 00:41:42,480 APPLAUSE 764 00:41:46,920 --> 00:41:52,000 Oh, what a triumph here because holding out the hope of greater things, it's Alan on -8. 765 00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:53,520 Well done. 766 00:41:55,080 --> 00:41:57,960 Which means sadly... 767 00:41:57,960 --> 00:42:03,720 hanging his head in shame on -10, is Phill Jupitus. 768 00:42:03,720 --> 00:42:05,360 APPLAUSE 769 00:42:11,080 --> 00:42:14,640 That's all from this heterogeneous edition of QI, 770 00:42:14,640 --> 00:42:17,760 so it's good night from Jack, Phill, Ross, Alan and me. 771 00:42:17,760 --> 00:42:20,280 And I leave you with this - good night. 772 00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:22,320 APPLAUSE 773 00:42:39,080 --> 00:42:42,120 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 774 00:42:42,120 --> 00:42:45,160 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk