1 00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:26,560 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:29,160 CHEERING 3 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:33,720 Hey, hey hey hey, hey hey, hey, hey, hey, 4 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:39,520 hey hey hey hey, and welcome to the QI H-anatomy lesson, 5 00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:42,600 where we're discussing heads, hands, hips, hearts, 6 00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:45,440 and indeed any other part of the body beginning with H. 7 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:49,960 And joining me with scalpels at the ready are four prime specimens of the human body. 8 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:52,120 So give a big hand for Sue Perkins! 9 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:55,720 APPLAUSE AND CHEERS 10 00:00:55,720 --> 00:01:00,280 And a hearty cheer for Bill Bailey. 11 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:02,920 APPLAUSE AND HEARTY CHEERS 12 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:07,000 And a hip-hip-hip replacement hooray for Gyles Brandreth! 13 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,120 - AUDIENCE: - Hip, hip, hooray! 14 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:13,680 Wahey! Very good. And a hair-raising scream for Alan Davies! 15 00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:16,880 - AUDIENCE SCREAMS - Wow. 16 00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:19,440 I like the way it stopped dead. 17 00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:22,760 That was good. And now, thanks to the handiwork of my audio elves, 18 00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:25,120 your buzzers should be ready. And Sue goes... 19 00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:28,720 - APPLAUSE - Ooh! 20 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:31,480 I think it was a round of applause. And Bill goes... 21 00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:34,320 - CHEER - And Gyles goes... 22 00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:37,320 - HIP-HIP-HOORAY! - And Alan goes... 23 00:01:37,320 --> 00:01:40,160 - SCREAM - Oh! 24 00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:43,760 - We recorded, cleverly, the audience. - GYLES: Isn't that clever? Wow. 25 00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:48,440 - So, let's start with H... - This is already one of the weirdest shows I've ever been on. 26 00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:51,600 - LAUGHTER - We try and do our best. 27 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:56,840 - This sounds like a pensioner sitting on a bag of Rice Krispies. - APPLAUSE 28 00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:58,680 - LAUGHTER - You're right! 29 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:00,560 APPLAUSE 30 00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:04,360 It's certainly not someone under 65 sitting on Rice Krispies, is it? 31 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:07,640 Or somebody putting their fingers in a socket. Do it again. 32 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:11,680 APPLAUSE Slow way to go, but nice! 33 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:14,040 - Ooh, lovely. - Easy, tiger. 34 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:17,000 - Easy. - Careful. - Pleasure delay, remember? 35 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:21,920 Well. Let's start with H for h-h-h-hands. 36 00:02:21,920 --> 00:02:24,280 What can you tell about someone from their palms? 37 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:28,760 - How long they're going to live, whether they'll get married, children... - BILL: The future. 38 00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:30,640 KLAXON 39 00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:33,480 I didn't say "the future"! He said "the future"! 40 00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:35,520 He started it! I just joined in! 41 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:38,440 Maybe we'll halve the forfeit between you. 42 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:40,120 Oh, I can't believe I get...! 43 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:44,240 But no. Empirically and obviously it's never been proved that any such thing 44 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:47,480 could ever be demonstrated, but there ARE things you CAN tell. 45 00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:50,840 - GYLES: Forgive me. When you say it's never been proved... - Yeah. 46 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:55,640 - But there are people who feel they've done it. - Feeling you've done something is not quite the same 47 00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:58,400 as empirical... Thank God you're out of government. 48 00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:03,160 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 49 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,640 They sweat, that's all they do. 50 00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:09,600 - To varying degrees. - But they have ridges. 51 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:14,320 We'll ignore the lines of palmistry for the moment, but there is such a thing as palm diagnosis. 52 00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:17,080 There is a way of finding out predispositions towards 53 00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:21,960 - rather important and life-threatening... - Oh, good God. - ..happiness-threatening illnesses. 54 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:24,760 - Oh. It actually will spell something? - LAUGHTER 55 00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:27,720 - "You're going to..." - Alphabetic! "You're going to d..." 56 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:30,120 - GYLES: And where do we see this? - Do they swell up? Go red? 57 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:32,320 It's the ridges of the palms. 58 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:35,480 Who was responsible for discovering fingerprints? 59 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:38,040 - No. - It was a very famous scientist called Francis Galton, 60 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:42,160 whose name was rather ruined by the fact that he believed in eugenics, 61 00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:45,680 - which was rather discredited. - That's always a shame. - It is. 62 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:49,360 But he also noticed the ridges and whorls on the palm, 63 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:53,360 and 30 years later in the 1920s it was discovered that those with Down's Syndrome 64 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:55,960 have completely different palms from anyone else. 65 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,720 And then by the 1960s, at least 20 conditions 66 00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:01,520 were shown to present themselves on the palms. 67 00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:02,600 How gullible are we? 68 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:06,640 We're just like this, Gyles and I, like that. "Heal us!" 69 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:10,000 - "Make us whole again!" - There are also indications... - "Tip us!" 70 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:13,120 - LAUGHTER - "We work for food!" - Yeah. 71 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:15,080 Going back, if I may, to the palmistry, 72 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:18,360 all I will say is this. That you dismiss palmistry, 73 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:20,360 but there were people 100 years ago, 74 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:24,040 perhaps the wisest people of the time, who consulted palmists. 75 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:27,240 Indeed there were. Including, of course, our mutual hero... 76 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:31,600 Our mutual friend, Oscar Wilde. And Mark Twain did. Queen Victoria, I think, did. Edward VII did. 77 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:35,080 - Gladstone. - And they... - Who was the palmist they consulted? 78 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:39,320 They consulted a man... Oscar Wilde certainly consulted a man called Cheiro, 79 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:43,040 - based on... - Called "cheiro" from... - From the Greek meaning "hand". - But his real name was? 80 00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:46,600 - His real name was William Warner. - You're right. There he is. 81 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:50,880 - He was Irish. - He was Irish, and his great-great-grandson's brother 82 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:53,720 married Elizabeth Taylor - Senator Warner. 83 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:58,560 - But that's just incidental. - No, it's good to know. He also called himself Count von Hamon. 84 00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:01,320 That's a really good answer on William Warner and superb to hear. 85 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:03,720 Splendid answers all round. Thank you very much. 86 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:06,160 The fact is, palmistry won't tell you your future, 87 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:09,080 - but it can tell you your past... - RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER 88 00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:13,200 in the form of genetic markers that were set down while you were in the...womb... 89 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:15,600 There's somebody playing with me... 90 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,120 It sort of looks funny with what you're doing. 91 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:24,080 There is a piece of wire. 92 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:25,920 LAUGHTER 93 00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:27,720 APPLAUSE 94 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:30,840 I've been goosed by the palm of a skeleton. 95 00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:34,360 I've been sitting for ten minutes thinking "When shall I do it? 96 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:38,120 "They're talking about palms! It should be now! It should be now!" 97 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:39,200 Wahey! 98 00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:41,560 Oh! Oh! 99 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:44,080 You see? 100 00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:46,520 It had to end... 101 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:48,760 Oh, dear. Oh, dear. 102 00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:51,160 GYLES: You just don't know your own strength! 103 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,520 "Sorry!" 104 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:56,560 BILL: Keith! Keith, man, me head's come off. 105 00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:00,280 - GYLES: Oh, my heavens! - That'll do it! 106 00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:03,040 - Carry on, carry on. - LAUGHTER 107 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:05,800 They actually look a little bit like the Cheeky Girls. 108 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,480 LAUGHTER 109 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:12,120 They do. Yes. Er... answer me another question. 110 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:16,280 - Marcel Proust. - BILL: A La Recherche Du Temps Perdu. 111 00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:20,360 Very good. Now why did Marcel Proust have such a limp handshake? 112 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:22,480 There he is. There's Marcel. 113 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:25,640 - He hasn't slept for five years. - APPLAUSE 114 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:29,720 - I feel bad saying this, but he was a known homosexual. - He was well gay. 115 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:32,720 Now I don't... He was well gay. But I don't want to say 116 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:35,640 that he had the limp handshake because he was gay... 117 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:40,280 It's like saying he... loved to buy scatter cushions and throw them around the gaff. 118 00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:44,640 I mean, it seems a really reductive thing to say. But I don't know if... 119 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:47,960 There are types of gay who go round in muscle vests and are very butch, 120 00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:53,040 and there are types of gay, like Marcel, who are rather limp-wristed and who like ornament and design. 121 00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:56,520 He famously wrote only in a cork-lined room, he was very sensitive. 122 00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:58,680 - But... - BILL: He was very buoyant. 123 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:00,920 - Buoyant... - LAUGHTER 124 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:04,040 - Exactly! He was very buoyant. - He could go cruising at any time. 125 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:07,840 - He could set sail. - He could write anywhere in the world. Oceans, anywhere. 126 00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:09,080 - HIP-HIP-HOORAY! - Yes. 127 00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:11,840 - I'm going to offer a thought. - Yeah. - OK? - Right. 128 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:15,520 He, being gay, spent a lot of time in North Africa. 129 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:18,640 - BILL: Tangiers? - North Africaaaah. 130 00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:22,320 - One of the things that I discovered when I spent time in Africa... - Are you coming out? 131 00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:24,640 Is this a coming-out statement? 132 00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:28,280 Cos if it is, that'll be the picture, so just watch out. 133 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,760 Why not? Tonight could be the night, you're right. 134 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:34,640 - I know your party's behind you. - Indeed. LAUGHTER 135 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:39,000 APPLAUSE 136 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,840 - It's time. - Yes, Gyles. 137 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:44,200 I'm going to suggest this. When I went to Africa, 138 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:48,000 I was quite disconcerted to find that traditionally, the African handshake 139 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:51,200 is not simply very soft, but it lingers. 140 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:55,000 - Shake my hand. - Oh, this is just an excuse. Again! - No, no! 141 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:58,400 - The injunction, Gyles! - In Europe we shake hands... BILL: Don't touch him! 142 00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:02,000 In Europe we shake hands like that. I think in Africa, we shake hands 143 00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:06,440 - like this...and we hold there. - Stop. - I have a lot of experience of this. 144 00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:10,440 Stop it... He's glued me! I can't get out. 145 00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:14,640 I don't wish to name-drop, but I went to interview Archbishop Desmond Tutu 146 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:18,960 - and he held my hand like this for a long, long time. - Did he? 147 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:22,440 BILL: And he was saying to his aides, "Who is this again?" 148 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:28,640 I'm thinking that Marcel Proust spent time in North Africa and rather liked this tradition, 149 00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:31,440 and brought it back with him to Paris. 150 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:36,880 It's an interesting idea, I have no evidence that proves it. I know that Andre Gide went to North Africa... 151 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:38,960 That's who I'm thinking of! 152 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:41,880 APPLAUSE 153 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:45,320 You sweated on my hand for that? 154 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:48,760 Andre Gide was out and proud. 155 00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:53,360 He was probably the man who invented the word "homosexual", as it were, in his book Corydon. 156 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:55,680 And he was out. Marcel was not out. 157 00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:59,040 Marcel was embarrassed and ashamed of being gay 158 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:02,080 and indeed, he went to brothels to try and cure himself. 159 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,240 Oh, we've all tried THAT. 160 00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:05,720 LAUGHTER 161 00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:08,440 You heard it here first, folks. 162 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:11,200 "The North Africans hold their hands like that, my darling." 163 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:14,600 It was sort of double-bluff is the only way I can explain it. 164 00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:17,640 He had a friend, a Romanian count, who said to him, 165 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:22,680 "Look, I can teach you how to do a more manly handshake, then people won't think you're an invert." 166 00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:24,600 - As the word was then. - Invert? - An invert. 167 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:26,840 - That was a gayer. - A gayer, yeah. 168 00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:31,680 And Marcel Proust said, "No, if I do that, people will think I'm trying to look straight." 169 00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:36,840 - Whereas, if I, confidently am all limp... - It's a double-bluff! - A double-bluff. - Good Lord. 170 00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:41,200 I've been spending too much time just drinking cider. 171 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:44,000 I should have been reading the novels of Proust. 172 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:48,560 - I feel I've missed out. - It's famous for people never actually having read it, isn't it? 173 00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:51,240 - GYLES: Has anybody finished it? - It's enormously long. 174 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:56,200 - There's a famous scene that opens in Du Cote De Chez Swann... - GYLES: The biscuit scene! 175 00:09:56,200 --> 00:10:00,120 - Describe it. - I can't describe it, but it is to do... - Does it involve touching? 176 00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:03,520 - It could, it could. If you want to be the biscuit. - Don't touch him! 177 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:07,080 - If you want to be the little biscuit. What are they called? - I don't want to be your little biscuit! 178 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:09,240 - Madeleine! - I don't want to be your madeleine! 179 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:11,760 - No, I don't want to! - The smell of the madeleine 180 00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:15,240 - evokes for him always, it takes him back to the past. - Yeah. 181 00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:18,320 The whole book springs from one moment. It's an epiphanic moment 182 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:21,880 when the narrator has a cup of tea and he dips a biscuit in it, 183 00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:25,280 a little madeleine, the scallop-shaped biscuits, he dips it in, 184 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:28,480 and as he's just bringing the biscuit to his lips, 185 00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:30,960 he gets the smell of the tea and the biscuit. 186 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:34,120 And the entire world of this seven-volume novel 187 00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:37,200 comes into his head. It evokes a memory. You know the way smells do. 188 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,000 - You get a smell... - Wait a minute. 189 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:42,600 - This whole thing's based on a dunking incident? - Yes. Exactly. 190 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:47,520 That is... You will find, often, people referring to, "That was my madeleine moment," 191 00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:52,560 where suddenly something triggered a whole series of memories they never knew they had. 192 00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:54,520 GYLES: The joy is, you don't need to read the book. 193 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:56,640 You just need to buy the biscuit. Dunk! 194 00:10:56,640 --> 00:11:01,440 - Ah, yes...! - No, it only worked for him because he, as a child, sat with his aunt... 195 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:04,400 - So we can do it with a HobNob. - It might be a HobNob for you. 196 00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:07,440 It might be the smell of who-knows-what for you, Bill. 197 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:10,960 - Like the inside of a tennis ball, or something. - Yeah. Absolutely. 198 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:14,360 - The inside of a tennis ball? - Inside of a tennis ball! 199 00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:18,120 - Oh, it's got a very rubbery... Specific smell, yeah. - You slit it and just...work it. 200 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,280 - It's good. - Like Why Don't You? 201 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:24,720 - Oh, yeah! - Just bringing it back to my level for a moment. 202 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:28,120 Talking tennis balls on Why Don't You was the highlight of my childhood. 203 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:31,760 - I may write a seven-volume novel about it. - LAUGHTER 204 00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:35,680 Now, to handshakes. We said that palms don't reveal personality - do handshakes? 205 00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:37,920 I don't like a feeble handshake, gives me the creeps. 206 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,720 - BILL: It's not right, is it? - I don't like a sweaty hand. 207 00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:44,000 I don't like when there's something left on your hand after... 208 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:47,840 - Residue! - I don't like the other hand coming in to clasp, either. 209 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:49,040 That's a power thing. 210 00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:50,880 Isn't that like a dominance thing? 211 00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:56,200 - Is it? - When you see people holding hands, the dominant figure, if you see them walking down the street, 212 00:11:56,200 --> 00:12:00,280 the dominant figure is the figure with the hand on the outside. Hold my hand. 213 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:03,640 - Oh, is that right? - Close your eyes and hold my hand. - Not again, Gyles! 214 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:06,080 It's over in a moment, just take my hand. 215 00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:07,480 - I'm looking away. - All right. 216 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:09,240 You do it, you've got to take my hand. 217 00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:12,520 Oh! You let me dominate you. 218 00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:14,520 You've let me dominate you. 219 00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:17,480 - Oh, Sue, you've let the sisters down! - You chose, you chose! 220 00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:19,200 You chose! I just... 221 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:23,040 Please tell me what you... You want to be submissive or dominant? I mean, with... 222 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:25,160 Stop stroking me on the thing... 223 00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:27,000 LAUGHTER 224 00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:31,920 Who does that? Who does that? He did...he did inverted crab. 225 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:34,800 - Earlier you said you liked it. - No... - You said you liked it! 226 00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:36,880 Oh, God. Oh, God. They're having a row. 227 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:44,360 - I've now got two soiled... - Did it tickle? - It did tickle! - The crazy spider. - He did do the crazy spider. 228 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:49,120 Handshakes do tell us a lot, don't they? Individually we instinctively respond, as we've just shown. 229 00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:53,560 - I don't like a cruncher. - Handshakes that repel us. Exactly. Paul Flynn, 230 00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:57,800 a Labour MP in Wales, actually suggested that people who gave really strong handshakes 231 00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:59,560 should be charged for assault. 232 00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:02,120 - He's not a busy man, is he? - No. 233 00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:07,240 So anyway, Marcel Proust used a limp handshake because he wanted to conceal the fact that he was gay 234 00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:08,760 in an elaborate double-bluff. 235 00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:12,000 I want you to imagine you've been transported to the 19th century 236 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,160 and the trip has given you a banging headache. 237 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:21,000 You want to have a hole drilled in your head to get rid of the pain and the pressure. 238 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,800 So where's the best place to have it? 239 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:26,160 - Umm... - The trepanning? - Germany? 240 00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:27,840 KLAXON 241 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:33,920 APPLAUSE 242 00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:37,600 I'm slightly worried they can now read my mind, these people. 243 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:38,880 Yes, that's amazing! 244 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:41,240 - It is the eighth series, I suppose. - It basically is. 245 00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:44,440 Germany, you said, no. Germany probably not the best place. 246 00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:47,680 - The top, they trepan in the top. - Where is the best place to go? 247 00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:50,760 It's the 19th century. Should it be Europe, should it be America? 248 00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:51,960 GYLES: Harley Street. 249 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,000 Harley Street was a very bad place to go. 250 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,360 - They would go to... - Margate. 251 00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:58,160 - France. - France? 252 00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:02,320 - Didn't they, in Africa, they trepan. - Africa, probably a better bet than Harley Street. 253 00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:05,080 But it seems that Papua New Guinea would be the best place. 254 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:10,080 - In the 19th century, if you had this, what's the word? - Trepanning. - Trepanning, yeah. 255 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:14,200 78% of those who had it done in London and the West died. 256 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:15,640 From blood poisoning? 257 00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:18,720 But in Papua New Guinea... Yes, from cross-infections. 258 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,840 Why did people keep going? Eight out of ten people die. "I'm up for it." 259 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:25,640 It wasn't because they had a hole drilled in their head, it was because they got infected. 260 00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:27,480 What was it for, the trepanning? 261 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:30,280 To relieve pressure, supposedly. 262 00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:36,720 It's the original form of surgery, as far as we know from archaeology, the oldest form that ever there was. 263 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:41,520 And we know that it was, well, I won't say "successful", we know that it wasn't a failure. 264 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:44,800 There's a way of knowing that it didn't kill people, which is...? 265 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:47,480 - Some of them survived. - A little bit of tissue grows. 266 00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:52,400 You see the skull has re-healed, because people have lived for years afterwards. 267 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,240 Didn't they used to put coins in the hole and things like that? 268 00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:57,560 Because you're left with a big, gaping hole... 269 00:14:57,560 --> 00:15:02,000 - You are... - You could put a dispenser in and turn your head into a Pez machine. 270 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:04,480 LAUGHTER 271 00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:06,200 Just press your ear. 272 00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:11,840 Originally, in older cultures, you'd clamp the victim's head between your legs - eh - 273 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:16,520 and you just get a stone, a sharp piece of obsidian or flint, 274 00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:21,920 and you'd scrape on to the scalp. until it grooves and grooves. You can see this in old skulls, 275 00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:25,200 - and here, even there... - He's not happy about that. - He's not happy. 276 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:28,520 But Prince Rupert, nephew of Charles I... 277 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:33,120 - played by Timothy Dalton in the film Cromwell... - Ah, now I remember! - Yes. 278 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:36,120 Yeah, he had a trepanning, he had terrible headaches. 279 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:38,960 But there was Prince Philip of Nassau in the 1590s - 280 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:41,960 in 1591 alone, he was trepanned 27 times. 281 00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:45,080 His head would look like a tea-bag, he'd be so perforated. 282 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:49,120 His head would look like a colander, frankly! But it didn't kill him. 283 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:52,840 In fact, he went on later to win a drinking competition against 284 00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:56,640 someone who died from drinking too much, and he carried on drinking. 285 00:15:56,640 --> 00:16:01,480 - So the 27 trepans in one year... - The beer was pouring out of his head. 286 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:06,440 - Beer hair. - The point is, in New Guinea, they used found sharp things to do the hole 287 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:09,320 and then poured coconut milk over it, which is sterile. 288 00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:13,120 In the 19th century in Britain, they were in hospitals where all kinds of cross-infections were possible, 289 00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:16,440 and it was a lot more dangerous for that reason. 290 00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:20,040 Do you know about open craniotomies? 291 00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:23,360 Open-brain surgery where someone is conscious. 292 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:29,040 - Why would you want someone to be awake? - So you know that they can use their fingers... - That's right. 293 00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:32,400 So you're not... Because we still know so little about the brain, 294 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,560 there is every chance you're an inch out 295 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:38,400 in where you're operating and you can ruin the speech or motion centre. 296 00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:40,360 There's a man called Eddie Adcock, 297 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:45,080 I think his name was, he's quite a senior figure in the world of bluegrass music. 298 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:49,680 He had a hand tremor and they decided to do one of these conscious craniotomies on him 299 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:52,560 - and we have film of it. He plays the banjo... - No! 300 00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:56,480 ..while they're operating on his brain to check they're not interfering 301 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:59,000 with his... Can we see Mr Adcock? There he is. 302 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:02,000 How about now? No problems? 303 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:06,080 ADCOCK SINGS 304 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:16,040 That's pretty astonishing, isn't it? 305 00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:21,880 - That is mental. - I saw in Star Trek, they took Spock's brain clean out 306 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:26,560 and replaced it with another one. They did it all... 307 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:31,000 He lay on his back and they put a board over his head 308 00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:35,480 and a man stood behind, going... "The brain's out now. 309 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:40,120 "The new brain's in." They took the board up and his head was absolutely fine! 310 00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:43,280 The fact is, trepanning IS the oldest known form of surgery. 311 00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:47,600 In the 19th century, you were better off having it done in Papua New Guinea 312 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,440 than in the hospitals of London. 313 00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:51,320 From hole-y heads to holy heads. 314 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:56,040 Now, can you tell me where the halo should go on this saint? 315 00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:57,680 Oh. 316 00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:02,360 - Can you see that her head is separated from her body? - BILL: It's gone. She's holding it. 317 00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:06,120 It looks like the fella with the beard's done it by accident. 318 00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:09,800 - LAUGHTER - Oh, God, it's come off! 319 00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:13,760 The little bloke behind him's going "I told you. I told you." 320 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:19,280 She asked for half a kilo of Roquefort and he was clumsy with his cheese-cutter. 321 00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:22,320 "I'm so sorry!" 322 00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:24,760 GYLES: Does it depend on where we think our soul was? 323 00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:28,360 Well, yes, it's up to the artist, but it was a really moot point. 324 00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:31,680 - Do you put it... - The stump? - Oh! Or maybe two, could she have two? 325 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:34,600 - That might have been a much... - A diplomatic solution. 326 00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:40,520 Yeah. Some artists depicted her with it over the stump, as it were, where her head was, 327 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:44,520 and others where her head is now, in a sort of ring. An aureole. 328 00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:47,160 - Do you know any other names for halos? - Nimbus. 329 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:51,280 - Nimbus is a good name. - Gloriol-y. - Gloriole is one, yes. 330 00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:54,160 - No, gloriol-y! We say gloriol-y. - Do we? 331 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:57,640 - It's a shame, because gloriole is somehow better. - LAUGHTER 332 00:18:57,640 --> 00:18:59,760 Gloriol-y sounds more like a biscuit. 333 00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:02,080 Describe the Pope's gloriole. 334 00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:06,400 - Ah. - Ah, now, I've seen this. As a Catholic it's something you have to look at. 335 00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:10,560 - Um...it's sort of square! - Popes do have square haloes, you're right! 336 00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:13,400 - Pope Gregory had a square gloriole. - My goodness! 337 00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:15,240 I was...Catholic. 338 00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:19,560 And...yes, you're absolutely right. He was the first pope, Gregory the Great, 339 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:23,000 to declare that he should have a nimbus, he should have a gloriole. 340 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:24,480 - GYLES: Gloriol-y. - Gloriol-y. 341 00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:26,880 - Gloriol-y. - But gloriole is so much funnier. 342 00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:29,400 You're too innocent to know what a glory hole is. 343 00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:32,400 - Oh, I see, it was a rude joke! - Oh, dear. 344 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:34,600 Sweet, sweet boy. 345 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:38,640 Can you have any shaped gloriole? Can you have some square ones and... 346 00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:41,160 - Yes. - GYLES: Triangular ones! - Triangular ones for... 347 00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:43,680 - Have you got a triangular gloriole? - BILL: Triangular gloriole? 348 00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:46,360 - Somebody's shoved a Toblerone through it! - Whoa! 349 00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:49,440 - Wow. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 350 00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:56,040 It's been done... If one's allowed to be a little bit rude, 351 00:19:56,040 --> 00:19:59,200 there is a church in Mexico that people visit 352 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:05,280 in order to see the gloriole of St Joseph... 353 00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:08,440 - Right. - ..the father of Our Lord. Nominally. 354 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:12,200 Where his private part has a little halo above it. 355 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:16,360 Being Jewish, he would have had the real halo removed, so I suppose that makes sense. 356 00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:20,280 The mohel would have come and removed, taken that halo off. 357 00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:23,320 BILL: It was known as the ring of confidence. 358 00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:24,560 Extraordinary. 359 00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:28,920 How extraordinary. Really? And is that common? GYLES: It's on his member. 360 00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:31,720 - Like a sort of angelic Prince Albert. - It's on... 361 00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:34,280 LAUGHTER 362 00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:36,800 - One would assume... - Whatever that may be, possibly. 363 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,320 that it is a local pre-Christian cult idea. 364 00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:43,560 I mean, for example, in Nigeria there are parts where it used to be common 365 00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:46,680 as a kind of handshake, in some tribes, to touch the... 366 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:49,320 - The penis... - Don't do it. - ..of the person... 367 00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:51,720 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 368 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:56,200 I didn't realise that was a possibility, but how interesting! 369 00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:59,840 So... And I'm sure there may well have been some Mayan or Aztec thing... 370 00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:04,440 GYLES: I feel I've seen paintings with animals with halos. 371 00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:08,080 The oxen in the stall of the Nativity, or the donkey on which Christ rode into Jerusalem. 372 00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:11,000 - So donkeys can have them? - Yeah. - Ooh, who's that fella? 373 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:14,800 - Oh, look, there we are. There's another one. - There's a sparkler. 374 00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:18,400 - That's St Denis, the patron saint... - There is a sparkler in his head. 375 00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:21,960 He's got a sparkler on his head as well as a halo on his decapitated head. 376 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:26,560 St Denis is the patron saint of Paris. And indeed headaches. 377 00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:29,080 It's the same fella, going "I've done it again!" 378 00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:30,960 Yes, it is! It seems to be... 379 00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:35,760 - It's come clean off! I told you! - That's the second time this week. 380 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:39,080 - I'm so clumsy! - BILL: This keeps happening. 381 00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:42,280 Just swinging the thing around, not thinking... 382 00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:44,360 It's a clumsy barber, isn't it? 383 00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:47,680 "I'll just give a little... Oh, no. Oh, sorry." 384 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:50,680 "That's why I've got such a long beard - I don't trust myself." 385 00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:54,200 - There's a member of the Chippendales, just looking on. - Exactly! 386 00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:57,200 - Which is always nice. - Lovely. Lovely display. 387 00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:59,160 What's not to like? 388 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:00,400 - So... - LAUGHTER 389 00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:01,600 Good. Excellent. 390 00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:05,960 When a saint has his head chopped off, his main worry seems to be where to put his halo. 391 00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:10,280 How would you know if you had a shrunken head? Ah. 392 00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:13,120 - I'm going to give you... - LAUGHTER 393 00:22:13,120 --> 00:22:14,480 - Oh! - Oh! - Oh, yeah. 394 00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:15,760 Is it real? 395 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:18,440 That's my question. How can you tell whether you have 396 00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,240 an authentic shrunken head? 397 00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:24,680 Oh, I see. How can you tell if you actually have a shrunken head yourself? 398 00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:26,640 Does it come with a certificate? 399 00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:28,280 ALL TALK AT ONCE 400 00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,240 Is one of these real? 401 00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:34,800 What do you know about shrunken...? Where would you get one? There are some real ones. 402 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:38,600 - Ecuador. - Ecuador is exactly right. This is brilliant. 403 00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:42,080 You're on fire. That is impressive. 404 00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:47,040 - Do you know the name of the tribe? - No. - The Shuar people. - Shuar? - Shuar people. 405 00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:51,120 - They are a clan... - Bush monkeys. - Fish monkeys! 406 00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:55,040 Oh, look, you put this in the back of your car! 407 00:22:55,040 --> 00:23:00,000 - Yes! - So you think this is an early nodding dog? - Yes. 408 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:04,000 - That feels like horse hair or something to me. - It doesn't feel... 409 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:08,680 - It smells. - Are they still doing it? - Well, no, not officially. It's against the law. 410 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:12,320 But in every Ripley's Believe It Or Not! museum, there's at least one. 411 00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:14,200 29, by our count. 412 00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:16,320 Oh, that's lovely! 413 00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:18,200 SCREAM 414 00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:22,800 - How would you do it? - SCREAM 415 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:24,760 How would you shrink a head? 416 00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:29,000 Put it in the washing machine at a very high heat. 417 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:34,480 So I mean, it's a normal human head, but it's reduced to the size... 418 00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:37,880 - Those are real size. - You'd have to take all the skin off someone. 419 00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:43,040 You take all the skin off in one go, including the hair. You throw away the skull and the eyes 420 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:46,960 into a river, if you're Shuar tribe. So you've got the skin, this whole skin. 421 00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:51,120 Then you turn it inside out and you scrape it. 422 00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:53,840 SCREAM 423 00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:55,000 I didn't invent this. 424 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:59,800 - Get it back the right way, keeping the features as perfect as you can... - Like skinning a rabbit. 425 00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:03,440 Yeah. You bind the lips together, you sew them together, 426 00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:10,800 - and sew the eyelids, right? Then you pop in hot stones and sand. - Mmm. 427 00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:16,440 - To give it shape? - I'm making note of this. - Then you simmer it. 428 00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:19,360 - How long do you simmer it for? - Boiling water. 429 00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:23,280 - Gas mark 2, my darling. - Bay leaf? - Yeah. 430 00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:26,800 And then you kipper it, you smoke it, essentially. 431 00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:29,160 - Voila. - To what purpose? 432 00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:32,520 They're a pretty ferocious group of people, these Shuar. 433 00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:36,240 - They're the ones who are famous... - Oh! For the man with the molten lava. 434 00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:39,280 Are these the cruellest people in the history of the world? 435 00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:42,640 - They're certainly... - I remember the teacher who taught us this. 436 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:44,320 He was pretty vicious himself. 437 00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:49,520 - And there was a Spanish general who tried to tame this Shuar tribe... - Yes. 438 00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:54,400 They had the last laugh. They took him, they pulled open his mouth, 439 00:24:54,400 --> 00:25:00,440 they poured molten gold down his gullet until his bowels burst. 440 00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:04,000 - Right. Sounds like a good repayment for his greed for gold. - Indeed. 441 00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:05,840 - That's why they used gold. - Indeed. 442 00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:12,640 - Why are they so unpleasant? - They're the tribe famous for dipping darts in curare, the poison beloved 443 00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:17,600 - of detective writers. - That's the one that gets your central nervous system? - Absolutely. 444 00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:20,560 - They've got lovely hats, though. - It's a good look. 445 00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:24,760 Yours are not human, they are goat or alpaca. 446 00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:27,880 These are available in Ecuador as tourist knick-knacks. 447 00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:29,760 So that's a goat's face? 448 00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:35,240 Goat skin. You can usually tell, one that's done by someone 449 00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:37,880 imitating the tribesmen has lips too neatly sown up. 450 00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:41,120 In the originals, they were pretty basic. 451 00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:43,000 Is it to preserve relatives? 452 00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:47,160 It's a kind of gleeful, joyous, gloating, "I own you." 453 00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:50,320 - Take the spirit out of you. - But it's not a compliment, 454 00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:54,000 - it's not, "Granny's gone, let's keep her at the end of the bed." - Oh, no. 455 00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:57,720 - What do you really think about Uncle Bill, Grandma? - I hated him! 456 00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:02,520 If you hand them back, I've got another little experiment. 457 00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:06,360 I've got something else to give you. All we want you to do, 458 00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:08,600 I'm going to hand you these blank £2 coins. 459 00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:12,360 Just try and draw the Queen's head as she is on the coin. 460 00:26:12,360 --> 00:26:14,200 - The Queen's head on the coin? - Yeah. 461 00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:16,720 Is she wearing a crown, is she... An outline. 462 00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:18,280 Which way does she look? 463 00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:19,800 No-one knows. 464 00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:23,440 No, don't ask for help! Oi! 465 00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:26,960 Alan Davies, I'll take points away if you cheat. 466 00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:30,640 How do you think I got through school without asking for help? 467 00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:34,480 - Everyone done? - She looks like Lenny Henry in mine. 468 00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:36,880 Well, that's all right. 469 00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:38,520 OK, done. 470 00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:41,440 Oh, Alan's done. You... 471 00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:43,520 Mine looks like a triceratops. 472 00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:45,040 Let's look at yours there. 473 00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:46,600 LAUGHTER 474 00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:48,720 And yours? Extraordinary. 475 00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:52,400 The point is, you've all, especially Bill, 476 00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:55,480 you've all made the fundamental error that everybody makes 477 00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:58,360 in thinking she faces left. She faces right. 478 00:26:58,360 --> 00:27:00,520 KLAXON 479 00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:03,280 Yeah, because most people think that. 480 00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:05,840 Sorry, it's too late now. 481 00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:09,480 88% of people think the Queen faces left on her coins. 482 00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:14,160 On every coin that ever was stamped since she was Queen, 483 00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:15,920 it's always face to the right. 484 00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:18,200 - Never ask for help. - Do they take it in turns? 485 00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:21,200 - Did her father face the other way? - Yes. 486 00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:24,920 - And Prince Charles. - He's straight on, with the ears, like that. 487 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:28,320 They've alternated since Charles II. 488 00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:32,520 But does she not face the other way on the paper money? 489 00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:35,320 No, on the stamp. That's one theory. 490 00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:36,760 Whoa! 491 00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:41,640 One theory as to why 88% of people seem to think she faces left 492 00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:45,160 is because she does on the definitive edition of the stamps. 493 00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:47,400 We're all familiar with that image. 494 00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:50,360 On the other hand, that's true in Denmark, 495 00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:53,960 Queen Margrethe, they also think she faces left, but on the stamp 496 00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:57,280 she looks out, and on the coin she looks to the right. 497 00:27:57,280 --> 00:28:01,040 But if you ask a Dane which way she faces, they will say left. 498 00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:06,520 It's something to do, probably, with right-handedness. We just picture a profile that way. 499 00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:10,200 It's really strange, cos we handle these things every day, 500 00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:15,200 unless you're Gyles, when you have someone to do it for you. 501 00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:18,080 It's bizarre that we just don't notice. 502 00:28:18,080 --> 00:28:21,760 - That's all coins, is it? - All coins with the Queen's head on. 503 00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:24,400 - How long has that been? - Since the beginning of time. 504 00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:27,760 It alternates between monarchs, so her father faced left. 505 00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:29,200 Oh, I see. 506 00:28:29,200 --> 00:28:34,520 And his father, George V, not counting the abdication, 507 00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:35,640 George VI. 508 00:28:35,640 --> 00:28:38,920 If you could get all the coins of all the monarchs together, 509 00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:42,320 alternating monarchs, and could just flick through them, they'd be... 510 00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:46,040 It would. It would be like a tennis match. It'd be exhausting. 511 00:28:46,040 --> 00:28:50,320 So the Queen has always faced to the right on all her British coins of her reign 512 00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:55,280 and yet tests have shown that up to 88% of people draw her facing the other way. 513 00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:57,720 What happens if you try and comb a hairy ball? 514 00:28:57,720 --> 00:28:58,760 Ask Bill. 515 00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:01,640 - LAUGHTER - Ask Bill? 516 00:29:01,640 --> 00:29:05,240 Bill, what happens when you try and comb a hairy ball? 517 00:29:05,240 --> 00:29:07,720 I have a hairy... I have a hairy ball. 518 00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:10,080 - Let's see! - You have to focus. 519 00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:12,600 You have to concentrate and not... 520 00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:15,000 Your hand mustn't slip at any time. 521 00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:16,080 You can't do it. 522 00:29:16,080 --> 00:29:19,160 Well, you can sort of, obviously, have a combing action. 523 00:29:19,160 --> 00:29:21,920 Why would you do this? Why are we combing hairy balls? 524 00:29:21,920 --> 00:29:25,880 Because it's an interesting, mathematical, topographical... 525 00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:28,120 Look at this. It's Don King! Look at that! 526 00:29:28,120 --> 00:29:33,400 Yeah! I just want you to comb it so that it all lies in the same direction, 527 00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:36,720 - perfectly combed. - So you can't actually... It keeps going round 528 00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:39,600 - if you comb a hairy ball. - So you can't actually do it. 529 00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:43,280 There's a mathematical principle. A trichoglyph is bound to occur, 530 00:29:43,280 --> 00:29:44,680 which is like a cowlick, 531 00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:49,720 - like a crown, where... - I see. It all goes into one little bit that'll stick up like that. 532 00:29:49,720 --> 00:29:52,280 Yeah, it twirls. It's actually like a cyclone. 533 00:29:52,280 --> 00:29:56,440 - If it was the earth, it would be a cyclone in... - Mine looks like Anne Robinson. 534 00:29:56,440 --> 00:30:00,680 - There it is on a man's head. - Oh, yeah. I see, right, yeah. 535 00:30:00,680 --> 00:30:03,920 - So it's mathematical. - It's a mathematical thing - you can't... 536 00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:06,280 If it was a doughnut or bagel shape, a torus, 537 00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:10,600 you could comb it all the way round in the same direction without this twirl, 538 00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:12,920 but it's because it's a sphere, you have it. 539 00:30:12,920 --> 00:30:15,680 In theory, every planet, even if it weren't going round, 540 00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:18,040 would have a cyclone, which is what that swirl is. 541 00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:20,440 GYLES: That's why there are no hairy planets. 542 00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:22,720 - No hairy planets. - It's an impossibility. 543 00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:25,640 Yeah. Do you have...? 544 00:30:25,640 --> 00:30:27,240 - Very nice. - Look at that. Wow. 545 00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:28,920 Some people have double crowns. 546 00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:32,560 Your barber says, "You've got a double crown, sir." 547 00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:33,960 Oh! You've combed it... 548 00:30:33,960 --> 00:30:35,280 Oh, no! Alan! 549 00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:39,880 - I'm going to do some trepanning. - Oh, no! 550 00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:42,920 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 551 00:30:42,920 --> 00:30:44,760 Whoa! 552 00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:48,760 And now, to keep thematic, you've got to shrink it. 553 00:30:48,760 --> 00:30:50,880 Yeah! Turn it inside out and scrape it. 554 00:30:50,880 --> 00:30:53,000 I've got the recipe if you want it. 555 00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:55,520 An interesting thing about this cowlick is that 556 00:30:55,520 --> 00:31:00,520 on most people, do you think clockwise or anti-clockwise, most men? 557 00:31:00,520 --> 00:31:02,760 - Clockwise. - Clockwise. - You're right. 558 00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:07,080 Only 8% of men have an anti-clockwise one, 559 00:31:07,080 --> 00:31:11,440 but 30% of gay men have an anti-clockwise one. 560 00:31:11,440 --> 00:31:15,120 Is that a double-bluff, Proustian style? Everybody's combing it round? 561 00:31:15,120 --> 00:31:18,880 You can't... You're born with it - it goes one way or the other from birth. 562 00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:21,360 There's no... You can't force it the other way. 563 00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:26,360 It's almost as if it's a physiological proof, at least a certain percentage of gay people... 564 00:31:26,360 --> 00:31:29,760 - Nature's assigned it. - You and your Conservative Party who go, 565 00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:34,280 "We mustn't have lessons in being gay or it'll turn everyone gay," it's all there in the hair. 566 00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:37,200 This is why most of my friends have double crowns - 567 00:31:37,200 --> 00:31:38,720 cos they're Tommy Two-ways. 568 00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:41,560 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 569 00:31:41,560 --> 00:31:45,320 - It says everything! - Tommy Two-ways! 570 00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:50,920 So, the comb-over, we covered. What is so extraordinary about the comb-over? 571 00:31:50,920 --> 00:31:52,280 Look, that's lovely. 572 00:31:52,280 --> 00:31:54,200 Historically, in America...? 573 00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:56,120 It was patented. 574 00:31:56,120 --> 00:31:59,320 It was patent number 4,022,227 575 00:31:59,320 --> 00:32:04,120 for how to disguise baldness by combing over your hair, so if anybody... 576 00:32:04,120 --> 00:32:05,400 - LAUGHTER - Yeah! 577 00:32:05,400 --> 00:32:07,880 You are in breach of... You will be sued! 578 00:32:07,880 --> 00:32:10,360 Wow! Oh, my God! 579 00:32:10,360 --> 00:32:12,160 Oh, my God! 580 00:32:12,160 --> 00:32:15,240 - APPLAUSE - Oh! 581 00:32:15,240 --> 00:32:19,160 - WOLF WHISTLE - Yeah! - Hey! 582 00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:22,600 - That is some sexy stuff, there. - Can I just say, butch and gay. Mmm. 583 00:32:22,600 --> 00:32:25,080 I'm a Tommy Two-ways. 584 00:32:25,080 --> 00:32:29,200 I can go this way... Actually, I can get it to go all the way round. 585 00:32:29,200 --> 00:32:31,200 Oh, you're a Thelma Three-ways! 586 00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:33,720 LAUGHTER 587 00:32:33,720 --> 00:32:35,320 Oh, you've done it all now. 588 00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:37,800 - That's nice. Over the ear is lovely. - How's that? 589 00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:39,120 Delicate. Delicate. 590 00:32:42,360 --> 00:32:44,400 LAUGHTER 591 00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:47,920 SCOTTISH ACCENT: Hello! I'm the constituent for Stornoway. 592 00:32:47,920 --> 00:32:51,240 LAUGHTER 593 00:32:51,240 --> 00:32:55,480 - Oh, heavens above. - SCOTTISH ACCENT: I'm the Tory MP... 594 00:32:55,480 --> 00:33:00,600 and homosexuality is a disease. 595 00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:03,360 It can be cured by excessive combing. 596 00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:06,240 LAUGHTER 597 00:33:06,240 --> 00:33:10,440 Out, vile demon! Out, vile demon! 598 00:33:10,440 --> 00:33:12,280 Fabulous. 599 00:33:12,280 --> 00:33:14,240 It's a terrible curse! 600 00:33:14,240 --> 00:33:16,440 APPLAUSE 601 00:33:16,440 --> 00:33:19,560 Right, hand them back. Hand them back. 602 00:33:19,560 --> 00:33:22,120 You...are in trouble. 603 00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:24,560 - Oh, he's in trouble! - Yes, you are. 604 00:33:24,560 --> 00:33:28,560 Now what can you tell me about the Chinese Hula Hoop-la? 605 00:33:28,560 --> 00:33:32,440 I know they do massive demonstrations of it with thousands of people... 606 00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:36,040 Ribbons of various kinds and so on, but there was a particular time... 607 00:33:36,040 --> 00:33:40,720 - What is so famous about the Hula Hoop in our culture, or at least in England? - 1958. 608 00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:45,560 - Tell us about 1958. - Well, in 1957 I got my David Crockett hat. - Right. 609 00:33:45,560 --> 00:33:48,920 In 1958 I got my first Hula Hoop. 610 00:33:48,920 --> 00:33:50,920 - That was the year of the Hula Hoop. - It was. 611 00:33:50,920 --> 00:33:53,960 You should have seen me. I was called Dizzy Hips Gyles. 612 00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:55,760 - Oh, good God... - LAUGHTER 613 00:33:55,760 --> 00:33:58,640 - We all began doing it. - The "all" thing is extraordinary 614 00:33:58,640 --> 00:34:01,840 because it was a one-year thing, it was a HUGE craze. 615 00:34:01,840 --> 00:34:07,760 I mean, we all remember various toy crazes perhaps and game crazes when we were younger, 616 00:34:07,760 --> 00:34:11,360 but this one was THE mother of... 617 00:34:11,360 --> 00:34:14,200 - BANG! - Oh... Sorry. 618 00:34:14,200 --> 00:34:16,400 This one was the mother of them all and... 619 00:34:16,400 --> 00:34:18,040 it...it... 620 00:34:18,040 --> 00:34:21,320 The extraordinary thing was, it disappeared as fast as it came. 621 00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:25,640 And it was a disaster. My uncle put money into it because it was so big 622 00:34:25,640 --> 00:34:30,320 and lost it all. The Hula Hoop, the greatest craze in the history of the world, 623 00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:33,080 actually failed to make any money. 624 00:34:33,080 --> 00:34:36,000 Everyone on the planet owned one and still they lost. 625 00:34:36,000 --> 00:34:39,720 - Particularly the company, Wham-O, who made them... - Maybe the name. 626 00:34:39,720 --> 00:34:42,920 - It still exists, it's a successful company. - They made the Frisbee. 627 00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:44,960 That's the one year they made a loss, 628 00:34:44,960 --> 00:34:48,640 cos despite the fact that millions of people bought a Hula Hoop... 629 00:34:48,640 --> 00:34:52,200 There they are. It ended so quickly. They'd stockpiled, 630 00:34:52,200 --> 00:34:55,320 expecting it to last till Christmas and it completely ended. 631 00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:58,080 I suppose the thing is, they don't really wear out, 632 00:34:58,080 --> 00:35:02,920 - so once you get one, that's it then. - You don't want another one. - What does wear out is the fun. 633 00:35:02,920 --> 00:35:07,440 - And your hips, which degenerate over time. - They should make them out of something else, 634 00:35:07,440 --> 00:35:11,440 - something biodegradable, cheese or something. - Cheese! 635 00:35:11,440 --> 00:35:13,280 Cheese? Brilliant. But in China, 636 00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:16,120 they had a similar fad in the early '90s. 637 00:35:16,120 --> 00:35:17,800 Millions of people bought them 638 00:35:17,800 --> 00:35:19,720 and then there was a hysteria because 639 00:35:19,720 --> 00:35:23,520 there were three people went to hospital with twisted intestines. 640 00:35:23,520 --> 00:35:28,880 They obviously tried to eat them. The Hula Hoop thing was lost in translation! 641 00:35:28,880 --> 00:35:33,480 The Chinese State Media said you should stop Hula Hooping because of... But you're right, 642 00:35:33,480 --> 00:35:35,800 it was nothing to do with Hula Hooping. 643 00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:39,120 - Even old Dizzy Hips Gyles. - Even you never twisted your intestines. 644 00:35:39,120 --> 00:35:42,400 I didn't. I must say, it's difficult to Hula Hoop and it's boring. 645 00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:43,720 It's not. It's nice. 646 00:35:43,720 --> 00:35:46,760 Actually, if you can do it also on your arms... I had three... 647 00:35:46,760 --> 00:35:49,000 - That's a skipping rope. - Is it? You're right. 648 00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:52,840 BILL: Here we go! Now cut live to the hula party! 649 00:35:52,840 --> 00:35:54,600 Ah, that's the hula bit! 650 00:35:54,600 --> 00:35:57,360 This is the home of the hula. This is Hawaii. 651 00:35:57,360 --> 00:35:59,680 This is the dance itself, called the hula. 652 00:35:59,680 --> 00:36:01,200 She knows what she's doing. 653 00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:03,640 A hula is a whole celebratory thing, you have... 654 00:36:03,640 --> 00:36:07,360 That guy's having brain surgery, playing the guitar. 655 00:36:07,360 --> 00:36:09,000 I do love the band, they're great. 656 00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:13,120 They're thinking, "This is the best gig ever! 657 00:36:13,120 --> 00:36:17,480 "Since I joined this band, I've never stopped smiling." 658 00:36:17,480 --> 00:36:21,000 Can you suggest a theory as to why the Hula Hoop was so big in '58? 659 00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:23,880 - Er, post-war optimism. - Mm-hm. 660 00:36:23,880 --> 00:36:25,920 End of rationing. No, it ended mid-'50s. 661 00:36:25,920 --> 00:36:28,840 - There's a thought maybe it was Elvis. - Elvis the pelvis? 662 00:36:28,840 --> 00:36:31,040 It would make you do things with your hips. 663 00:36:31,040 --> 00:36:35,040 - Gyrating. - And there was the whole Hawaiian thing through him as well. 664 00:36:35,040 --> 00:36:36,680 And the Hawaiian thing he liked. 665 00:36:36,680 --> 00:36:41,120 He was not allowed to be filmed below the waist or something. Was that true? 666 00:36:41,120 --> 00:36:45,320 - On television, The Ed Sullivan Show, I believe. - Too sexy for the '50s. 667 00:36:45,320 --> 00:36:48,240 Gyles has the same thing. He's not allowed to display. 668 00:36:48,240 --> 00:36:50,680 Dizzy Hips Brandreth can't bust them out on TV! 669 00:36:50,680 --> 00:36:52,480 He's actually hula-ing right now. 670 00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:53,600 LAUGHTER 671 00:36:53,600 --> 00:36:55,360 Quite subtly, yes. 672 00:36:55,360 --> 00:36:59,120 Which brings us to the unappealing nether regions of our show, 673 00:36:59,120 --> 00:37:02,160 the place that we call General Ignorance. Hands on horns, 674 00:37:02,160 --> 00:37:03,680 if you'd be so kind. 675 00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:06,760 What should you do with your head if you have a nosebleed? 676 00:37:06,760 --> 00:37:09,600 HIP-HIP-HOORAY! 677 00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:10,640 Yes? 678 00:37:10,640 --> 00:37:12,600 You have to answer. 679 00:37:12,600 --> 00:37:14,000 I'm doing it. 680 00:37:14,000 --> 00:37:16,600 You should do that with your head? 681 00:37:16,600 --> 00:37:18,360 - Pressing... - Your lip. 682 00:37:18,360 --> 00:37:21,480 No, pressing the bit below the nose. 683 00:37:21,480 --> 00:37:22,520 No. 684 00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:24,240 Because the nose... 685 00:37:24,240 --> 00:37:27,680 Actually, not worry. A nosebleed won't harm you. 686 00:37:27,680 --> 00:37:31,320 OK, you might stain your clothes. 687 00:37:31,320 --> 00:37:34,320 You might stain your clothes, but a nose bleed is all right. 688 00:37:34,320 --> 00:37:36,440 - You could lie back. - No! 689 00:37:36,440 --> 00:37:38,560 KLAXON 690 00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:43,120 Oh, you're so angry, so competitive, I like it. 691 00:37:43,120 --> 00:37:46,120 - The point is, most people think... - No, I remember this. 692 00:37:46,120 --> 00:37:50,240 - Because, do you know. No! - And you can get it in the lungs. 693 00:37:50,240 --> 00:37:51,360 Worse than that, 694 00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:54,920 this is why I should've remembered this. You lie back, it goes into you, 695 00:37:54,920 --> 00:37:57,520 but you can also have a nosebleed through your eyes. 696 00:37:57,520 --> 00:38:00,920 It is possible to have a nosebleed that comes out of these bits. 697 00:38:00,920 --> 00:38:03,080 - An eyebleed? - Yes, 698 00:38:03,080 --> 00:38:06,320 but it's a misdirected nosebleed. Wrong to call it an eyebleed, 699 00:38:06,320 --> 00:38:09,560 - cos it's coming out from the nose part. - Just tilt your head forward 700 00:38:09,560 --> 00:38:11,240 from now on, love. 701 00:38:11,240 --> 00:38:13,760 So the point is, forwards, not back. 702 00:38:13,760 --> 00:38:19,280 If it lasts longer than 20 minutes, it is very much recommended to seek medical advice. 703 00:38:19,280 --> 00:38:23,200 And if you've caused it from anything other than the most common causes, which would be... 704 00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:25,760 - Bouncy castle. - LAUGHTER 705 00:38:25,760 --> 00:38:28,560 - Classic. - Inevitable. 706 00:38:28,560 --> 00:38:31,880 Another one is being punched in the face. That's one, yep. 707 00:38:31,880 --> 00:38:34,880 That can bring it on. There you are. 708 00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:37,840 That would do it. Tilt your head forward. 709 00:38:37,840 --> 00:38:41,800 - Can you name them? I think that's Larry Holmes and... - Spinks, is it? 710 00:38:41,800 --> 00:38:44,440 Ray Mercer. Merciless Ray Mercer. 711 00:38:44,440 --> 00:38:49,240 There are various others. Blowing your nose too hard, picking it. 712 00:38:49,240 --> 00:38:52,160 Yeah. You shouldn't tilt your head back if you have a nosebleed, 713 00:38:52,160 --> 00:38:55,320 it can be dangerous. Tilt your head forwards and pinch your nose, 714 00:38:55,320 --> 00:38:59,080 then eventually, after 12 minutes or so, it'll clot naturally. 715 00:38:59,080 --> 00:39:02,120 What might happen if you swallow your tongue, however? 716 00:39:02,120 --> 00:39:03,920 HIP-HIP-HOORAY! 717 00:39:03,920 --> 00:39:08,120 Nothing. I don't believe you can swallow your tongue. 718 00:39:08,120 --> 00:39:09,320 Is the right answer. 719 00:39:09,320 --> 00:39:10,800 Absolutely. 720 00:39:10,800 --> 00:39:13,080 APPLAUSE 721 00:39:13,080 --> 00:39:17,800 That sort of busybody person who says, "Lots of hot, sweet tea," 722 00:39:17,800 --> 00:39:21,120 when someone's fainted or had a seizure and say, "Do this," 723 00:39:21,120 --> 00:39:24,960 and they pull the tongue down cos they might swallow, it's nonsense. 724 00:39:24,960 --> 00:39:28,520 - What do they mean then? - It might obstruct an airway, possibly... 725 00:39:28,520 --> 00:39:32,320 - It's very rare. - If you have a bash and you bite it or something... 726 00:39:32,320 --> 00:39:34,760 You can bite it, yeah, but you can't swallow it. 727 00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:38,200 There was literally this idea that it goes backwards, down your throat, 728 00:39:38,200 --> 00:39:41,280 causes you to choke. That cannot happen. And, finally! 729 00:39:41,280 --> 00:39:43,680 Why shouldn't you crack your knuckles? 730 00:39:43,680 --> 00:39:45,240 Ooh. 731 00:39:45,240 --> 00:39:47,480 Can you do lasting damage? 732 00:39:47,480 --> 00:39:49,800 - The bone... - HIS KNUCKLE CRACKS 733 00:39:49,800 --> 00:39:52,320 - Oooh! - Oh, no! 734 00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:56,640 There's a... I think it's an old wives' tale, 735 00:39:56,640 --> 00:39:59,640 that if you do that, it causes arthritis. 736 00:39:59,640 --> 00:40:03,440 Because there was a famous doctor called Dr Unger, 737 00:40:03,440 --> 00:40:07,000 who believed that it did, and for 50 years, this doctor, every day, 738 00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:09,920 cracked the knuckles on his left hand 739 00:40:09,920 --> 00:40:13,360 - and didn't on his right. - But the story is that his mother, 740 00:40:13,360 --> 00:40:16,480 when he was very young, he cracked the knuckles on both hands, 741 00:40:16,480 --> 00:40:20,520 his mother said, "You do that, you'll get arthritis." 742 00:40:20,520 --> 00:40:24,160 And he thought, being of a scientific turn of mind... 743 00:40:24,160 --> 00:40:26,160 - REDNECK VOICE: - You gon' get arthritis! 744 00:40:26,160 --> 00:40:30,640 He thought, "I'll test this by only doing it on the left hand." 745 00:40:30,640 --> 00:40:33,480 I ain't gettin' no arthritis, and I'll show you how! 746 00:40:33,480 --> 00:40:38,680 So he did it on his left hand only, and for 60 years he cracked, 747 00:40:38,680 --> 00:40:43,040 and then he had various tests and there was no suggestion of arthritis 748 00:40:43,040 --> 00:40:45,920 on the left hand more than the right. Apparently he shouted, 749 00:40:45,920 --> 00:40:50,600 - "You were wrong, Mother, you were wrong!" - BILL: "I wasted my life." 750 00:40:50,600 --> 00:40:52,760 - You were wrong! - Well, there we are! 751 00:40:52,760 --> 00:40:55,360 That is indeed the answer. You can't get arthritis 752 00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:58,240 from cracking your knuckles. At worst, you could end up 753 00:40:58,240 --> 00:41:02,280 with a limp handshake, and goodness knows what impression that'll give people(!) 754 00:41:02,280 --> 00:41:06,280 Which handily brings us to the heart of the matter - the scores. 755 00:41:06,280 --> 00:41:09,080 And the winner, who really used his head... 756 00:41:09,080 --> 00:41:11,760 They're two heads, because, ladies and gentlemen, 757 00:41:11,760 --> 00:41:14,120 we have a tie for first place. 758 00:41:14,120 --> 00:41:16,960 On -8, it's Gyles and Sue! 759 00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:20,080 APPLAUSE 760 00:41:27,440 --> 00:41:33,240 Oh, but missing out on a hair's breadth with -12, Bill Bailey! 761 00:41:33,240 --> 00:41:36,000 APPLAUSE 762 00:41:38,200 --> 00:41:42,520 Throwing his hands up in the air on -25, Alan Davies! 763 00:41:42,520 --> 00:41:46,520 APPLAUSE 764 00:41:51,640 --> 00:41:56,400 So all that's left for me is to thank Sue, Gyles, Bill and, of course, Alan. 765 00:41:56,400 --> 00:41:59,120 And I leave you with this. It's an anatomy lesson. 766 00:41:59,120 --> 00:42:03,600 In order to accustom medical students 767 00:42:03,600 --> 00:42:07,280 to the business of getting used to dead human flesh, 768 00:42:07,280 --> 00:42:10,640 an anatomy professor basically said to the class, 769 00:42:10,640 --> 00:42:14,520 "Look, you've got to get used to doing this, I need one of you to come forward." 770 00:42:14,520 --> 00:42:17,520 They were first year. Stood him by the body, said, "Do what I do." 771 00:42:17,520 --> 00:42:20,360 He put his finger up the rectum of this dead body, 772 00:42:20,360 --> 00:42:23,320 like that, and then just sucked it. 773 00:42:23,320 --> 00:42:25,640 - AUDIENCE GROANS - He said, "I know, I know, 774 00:42:25,640 --> 00:42:28,200 "but you've got to learn how to be a doctor." 775 00:42:28,200 --> 00:42:30,960 So this medical student puts the finger up like that. 776 00:42:30,960 --> 00:42:35,760 He said, "The other thing about being a doctor is you must be observant. 777 00:42:35,760 --> 00:42:40,960 "I put my middle finger up the rectum and sucked my index." Thank you and goodbye. 778 00:42:40,960 --> 00:42:43,960 APPLAUSE 779 00:42:55,560 --> 00:42:58,600 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 780 00:42:58,600 --> 00:43:01,640 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk