1 00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:24,840 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:27,800 CHEERING AND WHISTLING 3 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:30,680 Well! 4 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:32,600 He...llo, there! 5 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,600 Hello, there, hello, there, hello 6 00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:36,800 and welcome to QI, 7 00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:40,160 where tonight we'll be looking at all manner of hoaxes, hokum, 8 00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:41,600 hucksters and hogwash 9 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:43,960 and to help or more likely hinder us, 10 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:46,480 a veritable horde of hornswogglers. 11 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:50,400 With ten top tips to increase your manhood, it's Sean Lock. 12 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:52,200 - APPLAUSE - Thank you. 13 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:55,960 And joining him, 14 00:00:55,960 --> 00:01:00,320 the esteemed president of the Bank of Nigeria, Danny Baker. 15 00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:01,840 APPLAUSE 16 00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:08,920 By his side, professor of hoaxology at the university of the internet, 17 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:10,960 David Mitchell. APPLAUSE 18 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:17,840 And believe it or not, Alan Davies. 19 00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:19,560 APPLAUSE 20 00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:25,720 Now, in keeping with our theme tonight, 21 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:28,040 one of our buzzers is a hoax, 22 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:34,560 so see if you can tell me which one of these buzzing calls is not the mating call of a deer. 23 00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:37,360 Sean goes... DEEP ROARING NOISE 24 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:40,880 Danny goes... ROARING 25 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:42,560 David goes... 26 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:46,000 AGONISED ROARING 27 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:50,840 And Alan goes... 28 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:53,640 - SCOTTISH ACCENT: - "Hullo, dear!" 29 00:01:55,920 --> 00:02:00,400 Now, starting as we mean to go on, we've actually hidden... 30 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:03,000 - Is it Alan's? - Yes, well done. 31 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:06,520 I thought it was Danny's. I was going to say Danny's, right up to... 32 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:09,800 Now listen, you've got hoax cards here, jokers to play, 33 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:14,960 because, in keeping with the theme, there will be one question which is a hoax. 34 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:18,320 You play your hoax card and you get extra points. 35 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:21,720 If you play it and it isn't a hoax, you lose points, 36 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:26,720 but don't have your hoax cards unspent at the end of the game. 37 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:29,800 - What happens? - Well, I'm not going to tell you. 38 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:31,560 Can we play them more than once? 39 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:35,840 Er, you could, possibly... No. 40 00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:40,840 - Oh. - I don't think this format has been worked out in enough detail. 41 00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:45,040 You should have decided whether we can play them more than once, that's crucial. 42 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:47,040 I was being generous, it was foolish. 43 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:49,280 For the pilot of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, 44 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:53,360 did somebody go, "And if we get one wrong, that's OK, is it?" "Yeah, that's OK. 45 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:55,120 "Oh, hang on." 46 00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:57,200 How many lives do we get? 47 00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:00,520 Can you just do it or do you have to say something? 48 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:03,040 You could say, "That's a hoax," that would count. 49 00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:06,960 - You can't just go, "I did that, you just didn't see it." - No. 50 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:12,360 You have to make it manifest. Oh, God, I had no idea this whole thing would be so complicated. 51 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:17,840 I don't know about you, but I'm doing it on the first question, then none of us lose out. 52 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:21,560 If we all do it, we all lose points and then it's just done. 53 00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:23,560 LAUGHTER 54 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:27,080 We don't have to spend the show going, 55 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:31,000 "Use my hoax card?" What do you reckon, guys? You in for that? 56 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:34,760 We're all going to say yes, but we're all going to not really do it. 57 00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:40,160 - It's game theory. - I might use it, but when I'm using it, it might be a hoax. 58 00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:42,400 Oh, no! 59 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:46,680 I can see I've made a terrible rod for my own back here. 60 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:49,040 Well, erm, anyway, let's see what happens. 61 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:52,320 There's some characters behind me, shifty looking characters. 62 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:54,800 What were they up to last night? 63 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:57,520 This isn't a hoax. 64 00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:00,560 They were all definitely up to something last night. 65 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:03,840 - Thank God we didn't do that plan. - LAUGHTER 66 00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:06,160 Were they cottaging? They were cottaging. 67 00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:09,120 LAUGHTER Sean Lock! 68 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:12,680 They were all out cottaging, it was a really touch night's cottaging, 69 00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:15,320 and they go, "We need a pint after that." 70 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:16,640 They were brewing. 71 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:19,080 They were up all night making a picnic table. 72 00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:21,600 LAUGHTER 73 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:24,760 Before you get too insulting, they're in the studio tonight. 74 00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:26,680 I just thought I'd warn you. 75 00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:30,760 - DANNY: - They were winning the Mr Handsome contest. - That's more like it. 76 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:32,680 Were they harming horses? 77 00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:35,280 You know when people harm horses, slash horses? 78 00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:40,000 - No! - Do they slash...? - But it was a night-time covert activity, like slashing horses. 79 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:42,840 - Goats. They were slashing goats. - No. Let's... 80 00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:47,040 Let's assume we wouldn't invite into the studio people who maim animals. 81 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:49,760 Were they pretending to be gas men 82 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:53,560 and thereby stealing the property of aged people? 83 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:55,320 LAUGHTER 84 00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:59,160 No. If I told you that this was in Wiltshire, would that help? 85 00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:00,320 Cathedral stealing. 86 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:02,120 LAUGHTER 87 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:04,360 Grave robbing. Grave robbing's always... 88 00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:07,000 They drew something rude on Stonehenge. 89 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:10,920 - They drew something rude on Stonehenge. - Crop circles! - Oh, Alan, well done. 90 00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:13,840 Crop circles. Absolutely right. APPLAUSE 91 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:17,200 There they are. 92 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:20,760 The equipment needed for crop circling, a plank with rope, 93 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:23,840 but what was the crop circle we commissioned them? 94 00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:28,000 - A QI symbol. - A QI crop circle and they did it for us 95 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:30,880 - and it's rather impressive. - QI is run by aliens. 96 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:33,480 - Would you like to see it? - I certainly would. 97 00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:38,040 - Well, let's have it. We went to the expense of having a travelling aerial shot. - Oh! 98 00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:40,840 MUSIC: "The Ride of the Valkyries" by Wagner. 99 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:45,360 - What do you think of that? - Hoax! 100 00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:49,920 - We did! - That's real? It looks like the Led Zeppelin cover. 101 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:52,280 Oh, you've failed, I'm afraid, it was real. 102 00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:56,680 Almost within half an hour of it being completed and the dawn rising, 103 00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:59,120 we were contacted by people... 104 00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:02,840 Someone wanted to know, "Is it real or is it man-made?" 105 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:08,400 To which the answer is... Er, both. 106 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,560 I ask that about sandwiches all the time. 107 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:15,400 But it's a rather marvellous example of a breed of phenomenon 108 00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:17,680 that has been going since when? 109 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:23,560 - Is the farmer here tonight? - We recompensed the farmer. It doesn't actually do much damage. 110 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:26,480 How many mice were frightened in the making of that? 111 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:29,680 - We can't tell. - I bet this is older than we suspect. 112 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:32,600 - It's actually very recent. - Is it? - It is, really, yeah. 113 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:37,160 - '80s? - Well, '70s it began and it got more and more refined. 114 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:39,560 - There was a man called... - Like Pizza Express. 115 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:42,320 There were a couple called... Yeah. 116 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:48,040 Doug Bower and Dave Chorley admitted that they'd been responsible for almost all of the crop circles. 117 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,360 They used to be on the news every summer. 118 00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:51,840 There would be aerial shots 119 00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:55,360 and people called cereologists believed these were the work 120 00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:57,440 of people from outer space 121 00:06:57,440 --> 00:07:00,840 or from magnetic forces from ley lines, all kinds of nonsense. 122 00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:04,920 They'd do things like they'd do a crop circle and leave a couple of scorch marks, 123 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:09,480 from where the engine blasts off back into space. 124 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:13,360 Where are our three here? Is that John Lundberg? 125 00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:14,840 There you are. There's John. 126 00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:17,400 Can you tell me how you did yours? 127 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:20,360 What's the most technological item you need? 128 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:24,680 We need a stalk stomper, which is a plank of wood and a loop of rope 129 00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:27,200 that you put under your foot to flatten the crop 130 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:29,920 and to mark out the design, you use surveyor's tape, 131 00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:33,680 so they're very simple techniques and very simple tools. 132 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:36,800 What about your spaceship? What spaceship do you use? 133 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:40,640 I'm saving up for one but the fee I got for this, it's going to take a while. 134 00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:45,600 So how many do you do a year in the season? 135 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:47,600 Er, we don't say how many we make, 136 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:50,000 but we've made hundreds over the years. 137 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:55,240 And are there still those who refuse to believe that it's all hoaxers like you? 138 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:58,600 - They've been ringing your production office. - That's right. 139 00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:03,000 Are there people who've ever thought that graffiti on train lines was done by aliens? 140 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,480 - It's as logical. - Yeah. 141 00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:08,600 - Well, the lines in the Nazca Desert, which are... - Very good. 142 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:13,320 The Nazca Lines, which they say can only be seen from space, which is not true. There they go. 143 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:16,080 - SEAN: - Yeah, we can see them from here. 144 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:18,200 LAUGHTER 145 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:23,000 The great fraud Von Daniken who wrote Chariots Of The Gods and all those books in the early '70s, 146 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:26,080 he said they were runways for ancient space crafts. 147 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:30,880 And Carl Sagan said, "Hang on, these people come millions of light years across the universe, 148 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:34,400 "and they need runways? What, are they in B-52s?" 149 00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:35,920 What do they need runways for? 150 00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:40,920 I've been there, what's extraordinary about that place, it's one of the driest places on the planet, 151 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:44,120 in Southern Peru, just above the Atacama Desert, 152 00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:45,840 and because of this man Daniken, 153 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:49,640 people came from far and wide on motor bikes and they churned the place up. 154 00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:52,680 Some of these are only about 10 centimetres deep, the lines, 155 00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:56,520 and they've stayed like that simply because it hasn't rained for decades, 156 00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:59,600 and centuries in some parts in that part of South America. 157 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:03,960 So every line you can see around there is some hippy who's gone. 158 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,760 It's now banned, going there, but they're splendid. 159 00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:10,400 If they're not very deep and they've stayed because it doesn't rain, 160 00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:13,800 maybe the people who made them didn't want them to stay that long, 161 00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:17,120 they were just pissing around and would be rather embarrassed. 162 00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:21,960 The same way as, you know, if you were on the beach at night, bit pissed, you write the word "dick". 163 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:26,040 Imagine you went back 2,000 years later and it was still there, 164 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:29,640 you'd be mortified. People were sort of worshipping it. 165 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:31,680 LAUGHTER 166 00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:34,800 That's absolutely right. 167 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:37,720 - John Lundberg, thank you very much indeed. - Thank you. 168 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:39,640 There you are. 169 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:44,280 In the States, it's quite popular, not as popular as here, 170 00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:48,080 - but the second biggest crop in the States is marijuana after corn. - Really? 171 00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:49,280 Yeah, in America. 172 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:52,480 In certain states in America, there are huge areas of it. 173 00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:55,280 It's very difficult to know how to get rid of it. Sorry? 174 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:57,000 The cauliflower is in decline. 175 00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,240 Is it? I like cauliflower. 176 00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:01,640 - I love cauliflower. - If you wanted to please me, 177 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:05,520 - make me a cauliflower cheese and I'd be a happy person. - Very well. - Thank you. 178 00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:10,000 It's gone down from 33,000 acres to 28,000 acres in Britain. 179 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:13,400 Really? Very good! 180 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:16,880 - Has there been a decline in demand for cauliflower? - Yeah. 181 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,600 - People are stupid, aren't they? - They are stupid. 182 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:25,000 They don't know how to cook it, they think it doesn't taste of anything because they boil it and it doesn't. 183 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,960 Also, if you break off a bit of cauliflower and look at it. 184 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:32,360 - A floret. - A floret, it looks like a tiny albino tree. - It does! 185 00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:33,960 I so agree. 186 00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:38,160 If you're on a low-carb diet, you can mash it and it's a good substitute for mash. 187 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:40,000 - SEAN: - I do it, I like to do it. 188 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:44,080 I like to do it in a bin with loads of other rubbish all round it. 189 00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:48,360 And it all piles up round there and then you leave it out 190 00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:50,600 and the magical men take it away in a van. 191 00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:53,360 - LAUGHTER - I've never opened the fridge and gone, 192 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:55,600 "Oh, there's a cauliflower in there!" 193 00:10:55,600 --> 00:11:00,480 I've always opened it and gone, "Christ, there's a cauliflower in there, we have to cook it." 194 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:02,560 There's always the bin. 195 00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:04,360 - DAVID: - That's how I react to a rat. 196 00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:07,240 "Oh, Christ, we're going to have to cook it." 197 00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:10,760 I do like it, but it's a pain. It's a pain in the neck, isn't it? 198 00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:14,480 I don't think I've ever seen how it grows, is it the centre of a plant? 199 00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:16,160 - What, cauliflower? - Yeah. 200 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:20,280 You are an urban boy. Could we have one conversation, rather than three? 201 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,400 - LAUGHTER - You have to cook it twice? 202 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:26,720 You have to cook it twice! Cauliflower? You have to... 203 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:31,360 You cook it, boil it, then put it in another dish and cook it again with the sauce. 204 00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:32,680 It's a nightmare. 205 00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:35,480 - LAUGHTER - It's such a demanding vegetable. 206 00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:41,360 It just wants so much, it's all about time. It wants to spend time with you before you eat it. 207 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:43,200 Well, thank you, Nigella. 208 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:44,520 LAUGHTER 209 00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:49,120 Anyway, yes, far from being proof of a more intelligent life form, 210 00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:52,720 crop circles can be made using a plank of wood, some rope, 211 00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:54,760 a couple of coat hangers. 212 00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:58,360 But conversely, would you believe that they put a man on the moon? 213 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:01,000 - Who? - NASA. 214 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:03,600 Oh. NASA. Yes, I believe so. 215 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:05,640 - You believe that? - I believe it, yes. 216 00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:08,960 Good. That's all. That's the end of the question, really. 217 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:14,560 - But you probably know that a lot of people don't believe it. - I sort of believe one thing. 218 00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:16,320 - Uh-oh! - Yeah? 219 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:21,680 I kind of believe that they might have done some mocked-up fake photographs. 220 00:12:21,680 --> 00:12:22,880 Really? Why? 221 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:26,040 Because someone convinced me of it... 222 00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:31,200 - Yeah? - ..by talking about the angle of light and the shadows. 223 00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,600 But then I did an advert with Patrick Moore, 224 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:37,560 and I said, "So, Patrick, did they land on the moon?" and he looked so annoyed. 225 00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:41,280 He explained how he had helped map the moon for NASA 226 00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:44,640 and the landing site was partly his idea 227 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:48,680 and if I ever spoke to him again, he was going to be sick in my eyes. 228 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:54,040 It... They are rather tired of... 229 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:56,280 Buzz Aldrin might have punched you. 230 00:12:56,280 --> 00:13:02,000 - Buzz Aldrin punched someone... - Did he? - ..because he got so tired of these conspiracy arses. 231 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:05,040 Actually, I think it was a television documentary about... 232 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:06,400 There have been several. 233 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:09,640 "This photo couldn't possibly have been taken on the moon. 234 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:11,720 "It was obviously taken in a studio." 235 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:15,840 You've got me started now but there are a lot of conspiracies. 236 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:19,680 6% of Americans believe that man didn't land on the moon 237 00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:24,120 but 25% of Britons believe that they didn't, a quarter of our nation. 238 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:27,560 - So we're... - Not convinced, apparently. - That's so depressing. 239 00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:30,320 The flag. It's one of the things I read... 240 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:32,960 The flag is another thing, yes. There it is. 241 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:37,480 Well, obviously, they've starched the flag so they could get a good photograph of it. 242 00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:40,000 They haven't stiffened it. It's rumpled. 243 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:43,720 There's no breath of wind out there, obviously, cos you're in space, 244 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:44,880 which is a vacuum. 245 00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:50,080 What there is, is movement. If you impart movement to something, it doesn't stop for a long time. 246 00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:54,560 There's no resistance against it. So they unfurled it and it moved back and forth. 247 00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:56,640 People said, "Ah! Breeze!" 248 00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:59,600 As if, A - they would be stupid enough to fake it 249 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:03,520 and allow the take that had the breeze in it to go out. 250 00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:05,040 But if you went to the moon, 251 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:08,200 the least you'd expect is a flag moving a bit strangely. 252 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:09,600 You know what I mean? 253 00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:12,840 You're expecting to meet the Soup Dragon. "OK, he's not there." 254 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:16,240 The flag moves a bit strangely... I can go with that. 255 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:19,080 Why isn't one of them holding up a camera? 256 00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:25,360 The one taking the picture is reflected in the visor of the other and he's not holding a camera. 257 00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:31,160 - Like that, you see. - Ah. - That's because they didn't put the camera up in front of their visor. 258 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:35,360 - They were mounted. - You couldn't imagine them getting a camera out. 259 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:38,880 Click, winding it on with gloves... 260 00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:43,640 I will just say though, in defence of the people who suspect there might be something afoot, 261 00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:48,600 - the track record of the American government in terms of deceiving its population... - Yes! 262 00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:53,240 - ..isn't great. - Ah, but... - If you were a little bit dubious, I wouldn't blame you. - No, Alan, 263 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:57,840 400,000 people were employed on this thing, plus the 12 astronauts, 264 00:14:57,840 --> 00:15:00,960 and if the Americans have a bad record on doing covert things, 265 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,280 but a worse record on getting found out. 266 00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:06,720 The president can't keep a secret of where his penis is! 267 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:09,160 Do you seriously think that they would...? 268 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:11,240 Look at Clinton there, you know. 269 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:15,040 If they can't even keep a secret of banging an intern in the White House... 270 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:19,240 Well, no. And of course, in the old days, she would have just disappeared. 271 00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:21,320 LAUGHTER 272 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:24,600 But she didn't, and we know what Kennedy got up to, it's just... 273 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:27,560 I tell you one thing, I think NASA killed Michael Jackson. 274 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:29,120 - That's a fact. - Right. 275 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:33,040 I do, I believe they killed him because he died last summer, yeah? 276 00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:34,840 He died in about July last year. 277 00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:41,200 He died the same week... It was the anniversary of the initial moon landing, of the first moon walk, 278 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:42,560 right? 279 00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:46,920 - LAUGHTER - They resent the fact that anytime anyone puts "moon walk" into Google, 280 00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:50,560 it comes up with him sliding backwards with a hat on. 281 00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:55,360 And not the billions they spent going up to do a moon walk. 282 00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:57,480 They hated that and they killed him. 283 00:15:57,480 --> 00:15:59,120 LAUGHTER 284 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:00,720 And I believe that's a fact. 285 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:03,960 I don't think NASA would get organised to kill him, 286 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:06,280 but I think it might have been Buzz. 287 00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:09,200 Cos he's clearly a very angry man. 288 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,640 He's gone to the moon, it was pointless. 289 00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:15,200 People don't believe he went there. 290 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:17,200 It was pointless. 291 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:19,240 Of course he's going to kill someone. 292 00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:21,520 LAUGHTER 293 00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:25,000 - I'd like to go to the moon. - Would you? - I'd love to do that. 294 00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:29,800 Two other things, in case people are saying, "You haven't mentioned the clincher." 295 00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:34,720 One was the idea that below the lunar module that landed 296 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:37,800 there was no crater or sense of disturbed dust. 297 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:40,880 The fact is, the engines cut off and it hovered down 298 00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:42,760 and it very quickly landed. 299 00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:44,720 And unlike in science fiction films, 300 00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:48,080 it doesn't send out spears of flame as it descends. 301 00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:49,440 That just didn't happen. 302 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:53,240 And because it was designed by geniuses 303 00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:58,400 and not people tapping away at the internet who've got to go to work in the morning. Who do you trust? 304 00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:00,280 We are in trouble as a species 305 00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:04,040 if people refuse to believe in things they couldn't actually do themselves. 306 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:07,280 So true! That's so true. The other one was the footprints. 307 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:10,440 "There's too much moisture because look how clear they are, 308 00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:12,600 "only caked mud could do that." 309 00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:15,920 But you can do that with flour. It's very fine ground 310 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:19,200 and it's a vacuum again, it coheres. 311 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:24,640 And the other thing with the mirrors that Apollo 12 astronauts put on the moon, 312 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:26,760 which are now used for bouncing lasers off 313 00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:30,280 for detecting, for example, how far the moon is away from us. 314 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:33,960 You can make incredibly accurate measurements 315 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,400 because of mirrors on the surface of the moon. 316 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:39,880 Perhaps for me the clinching one is that America's enemy at the time, 317 00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:45,560 in the space race, was the Soviet Union and not once did they suggest that America hadn't done it. 318 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:48,560 - They never said, "No, we know this was hoax." - Yeah. 319 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:51,200 The fact is, for every ill-conceived argument 320 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:55,400 that the moon landings were a hoax, there's an explanation to put our minds at rest. 321 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,240 Now for something closer to home. 322 00:17:57,240 --> 00:18:00,920 How would you make your house the most famous house in Britain? 323 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:03,200 - That's easy. - Yeah? 324 00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:07,320 You murder lots and lots of people, dismember them 325 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:09,240 and bury them in the garden. 326 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:14,040 - That... - Marry the Queen. 327 00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,520 - You marry the Queen... - Yes? 328 00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:20,640 ..and you say, "No, love, you're not living in those palaces any more." 329 00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:23,520 You're living in 3 Ironside Crescent, Carlisle. 330 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:27,000 OK. Those would work. Those would work. 331 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,480 Some sort of spectacular suicide? 332 00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:35,800 - Mmm... - I suppose the murdering people would work better which I think is sad. 333 00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:39,800 - But this... - Like in the film Up, you tie loads of balloons and your house goes... 334 00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:41,320 Oh, that would be sweet. 335 00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:43,680 This was a bet that took place in 1810 336 00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:46,640 between Samuel Beasley and Theodore Hook, 337 00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:52,480 that Hook could make any house he chose the most famous residence in London 338 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:53,680 in one week. 339 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:55,480 He had a week in which to do it. 340 00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:58,160 He prepared over the week, 341 00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:01,200 - but it all happened in one day. - I've heard of this. - Yeah? 342 00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:04,680 He started ordering goods, all kinds of different goods. 343 00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:07,880 4,000 different tradesmen and services 344 00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:10,480 in all the commercial directories all over London. 345 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:12,360 He ordered chimney sweeps. 346 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:15,960 First thing in the morning, there were 12 chimney sweeps arriving. 347 00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,840 And then more and more and more and more arrived. 348 00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:20,640 It became absolutely gigantic. 349 00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:24,880 12 coal carts, there were cake makers, doctors, apothecaries, surgeons, lawyers, 350 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:27,360 - priests... - We've all done this, haven't we? 351 00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:30,480 ..hat makers, haberdashers, boot makers, butcher's boys, 352 00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:31,880 a dozen pianos arrived. 353 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:36,360 The governor of the Bank of England turned up to see what the fuss was about. 354 00:19:36,360 --> 00:19:39,440 It was in Berners Street, just north of Oxford Street, 355 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:41,760 and er... There it is. 356 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:46,920 - That sign doesn't fit that bit of wall. - It doesn't really. 357 00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:49,280 I suppose if they put it the way it would, 358 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:53,200 - you'd have to read it in portrait... - It's back to the drawing board. 359 00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:57,000 - They've got that all wrong. - Or just chill out about the whole thing. 360 00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:01,200 - You'd have folded it round, mate. - Yeah, that'd be nice. 361 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,440 HE CHUCKLES 362 00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:05,800 - So it's like going on the internet and ordering the lot? - Yes. 363 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:08,160 - I'll have everything. - Exactly. 364 00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:11,360 And the poor woman, whose name was Mrs Tottenham, was besieged. 365 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:14,720 - So he didn't live there? - No! He chose... 366 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:19,440 He just chose this house. That was the point of the bet. 367 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:21,600 "I can make that house, 54 Berners Street, 368 00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:23,600 "the most famous house in London." 369 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:27,400 - They used to have great bets. - People don't make bets like that any more. 370 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,920 In the Regency period, in the early 19th century, 371 00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:34,520 particularly in the clubs, Brooks's and White's in St James's - staggering bets. 372 00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:37,960 £3,000 bet between Lord Alvanley and a friend of his, 373 00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:40,880 on which raindrop would get to the bottom of the... 374 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:44,440 And £3,000 in those days was... It's almost impossible to imagine. 375 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:46,920 You could have a servant for £10 a year. 376 00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:52,120 You know? So, I mean, £3,000 is an estate, it's a country house with thousands of acres. 377 00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:55,520 This is how bored people were before television. 378 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:57,600 Basically. 379 00:20:57,600 --> 00:20:59,840 Theodore Hook bet a man called Beasley 380 00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:03,720 that he could make 54 Berners Street the most famous house in London. 381 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:08,080 What conclusion did the great biologist Stephen Jay Gould draw 382 00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:10,040 from a lifetime's study of fish? 383 00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:12,520 - Oh. - Yeah? - They haven't got any legs. 384 00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:18,600 Is that his lifetime's study? 385 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:22,400 - No. It wasn't a study of - a - fish. 386 00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:24,640 - He was... - "After a while, they smell." 387 00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:29,920 He was a bit thick and he just stared at them and went, "They haven't got any legs." 388 00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:34,720 Starfish don't have brains. It's the Louis Walsh of the aquatic world. 389 00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:37,280 They don't have brains, they're starfish. 390 00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:39,640 And they're not really fish, to be honest. 391 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:42,920 The word fish is in there, which qualifies them, I think. 392 00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:45,600 Is a starfish a fish? Is a jellyfish a fish? 393 00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:47,520 Is a cuttlefish a fish? 394 00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:50,000 - Is a seahorse a horse? - But the starfish... 395 00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:52,320 There's a division, isn't there, in the world 396 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:56,640 whether it should be down to experts in biology whether things are fish 397 00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:58,720 or whether it should be down to menus? 398 00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:03,400 - Yes! - For example, a crayfish comes under fish on a menu... 399 00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:06,920 He looks like he's reading the sell-by date on that fish. 400 00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:10,680 - The small print. Is that him? - Yes, he's dead now. 401 00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:13,960 He won the Nobel Prize, he was a palaeontologist and a biologist 402 00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:18,320 - and he came to the conclusion, which is? - They can feel no love. - No, that they... 403 00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:21,360 That there is no such thing as a fish. 404 00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:23,880 Fish has no biological meaning. 405 00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:27,560 - There is just... - So I'm absolutely right. Go with menus. 406 00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:32,080 But on a menu a fish is not the same as shellfish or seafood, is it? 407 00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:35,080 It often comes in the same bit and separate from puddings. 408 00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:38,680 - Things that live in the sea. - Fish and pudding are different. 409 00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:40,800 How can something not be something? 410 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:43,560 Something can't be not be not something. 411 00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:48,280 If you've created a something, then something has to be that something 412 00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:50,600 otherwise you haven't created a something, 413 00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:54,400 so it has to be a fish if there is the idea of fish in the first place. 414 00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:57,600 I swear there's a philosophy lecturer somewhere who said... 415 00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:01,800 That's an ontological argument. Of course, we use the word fish. 416 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:08,400 But biologically speaking, a salmon is more related to, say, a camel 417 00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:09,800 than it is to a hagfish. 418 00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:11,880 Like, there are lots of things that fly. 419 00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:16,080 A bumblebee flies, a vulture flies and there are flying lizards. 420 00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:17,960 They're not all birds 421 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:21,040 but we call things that swim in the sea fish 422 00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:23,800 and actually, biologically, evolutionarily, 423 00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:27,080 they have absolutely nothing to do with each other at all. 424 00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:30,840 They are more closely related to us than to each other. 425 00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:35,400 - A friend of mine claims to be allergic to all seafood and fish. - Right. 426 00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:36,720 Is that possible? 427 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:39,480 Freshwater as well as seawater? 428 00:23:39,480 --> 00:23:44,120 Yes, so everything from a prawn via plankton to a trout is a no-go area, 429 00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:46,480 he says, and I think he's just fussy! 430 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:48,680 AUDIENCE LAUGHS 431 00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:52,160 Some people say, "Oh, no, I'm terribly allergic to shellfish", 432 00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:55,240 then order scallops cos they don't know it's shellfish. 433 00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:56,880 They eat it and they're fine. 434 00:23:56,880 --> 00:24:01,480 Nobody ever says they're allergic to starters, do they? 435 00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:06,880 What do elasmobranchs taste like? 436 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:11,560 It's basically sharks and things like that...and rays. Manta rays and things like that. 437 00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:13,040 Rays can be very tasty. 438 00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:16,040 - Oh, yeah. Skates. - Skates, lovely. 439 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:20,000 Skates with black butter and capers - wow! Stop it at once! 440 00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:24,200 So after a lifetime's study of fish, 441 00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:26,680 biologist Stephen Jay Gould concluded there was no such thing as a fish. 442 00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:31,720 And while we're at it and under the sea, how many fish are there in this photograph? 443 00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:36,360 That's got to be a trick question by the way you set that up. 444 00:24:36,360 --> 00:24:37,800 Oh, yes... 445 00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:40,880 Well, given that there's no such thing as fish... 446 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:44,640 CLAXON SOUNDS 447 00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:49,320 APPLAUSE 448 00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:51,400 That's so unfair! 449 00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:55,360 Stephen Gould, where are you when I need you? 450 00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:57,240 Deeply unfair. 451 00:24:57,240 --> 00:24:59,880 - Well, you see that shell on the right... - Yes. 452 00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:04,200 ..along the top of it is a long, fish-like thing with an eye... 453 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:06,560 that's actually part of the shell. 454 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:10,040 This mussel actually makes a thing that looks like a fish so that another fish 455 00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:16,880 comes along and its own parasitic larvae explode into the fish and live in its gills 456 00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:21,160 and are dispersed and grow. We've got some film of it. This is it. 457 00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:23,720 The two eyes of this thing that looks like a fish... 458 00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:28,120 - Ew! - ..and this puff of larvae go off into a fish that looks like it might be a tasty morsel, 459 00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:31,640 but it's just bits of flesh that have grown up on the top of the... 460 00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:33,600 - That's clever. - It's very clever. 461 00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:39,680 There was just one fish, the other example was of animal mimicry deployed by the broken-rays mussel. 462 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:42,000 So from one skilled hoaxer to another... 463 00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:44,320 What did Nostradamus get right? 464 00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:47,200 The hat. The hat. He got the hat right. The hat's good. 465 00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:52,120 The big, big mistake - the green coat with the brown hat. 466 00:25:52,120 --> 00:25:54,040 It's crazy. The hat looks cool. 467 00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:59,200 - Who is he? - Have you not heard of Nostradamus? - I've heard of him. I've no idea where he lived. 468 00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:03,960 His name was Michel de Nostredame. He lived from 1503 to 1566. 469 00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:06,520 He was a Provencal apothecary 470 00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:11,480 and he did many things, including writing hundreds of quatrains, 471 00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:13,000 these four-line verses. 472 00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:14,760 Were they deliberately obtuse? 473 00:26:14,760 --> 00:26:16,800 I'm aware there'll be headlines on it, 474 00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:18,760 but why were they so obscure? 475 00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:21,840 He was a mystic and I suppose he... Who knows? He got drugged up 476 00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:25,160 and he just wrote down a four-line verse of whatever he saw. 477 00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:27,040 - He was a chemist. - An apothecary. 478 00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:29,840 - He had access to all kinds of crazy hooch. - Exactly. 479 00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:33,800 - So he published a book of, essentially, gibberish. - Yes. 480 00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:36,960 - And a lot of idiots... - Because even the people now 481 00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:40,680 who said, "That predicts Hitler or that predicts 9/11," 482 00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:44,600 would think, if you'd bought that in 1530, 483 00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:46,440 that's not good value for money 484 00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:50,000 because all the things it's predicting won't happen for ages 485 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:53,000 and so what it is, then, is nonsense. 486 00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:57,560 In fact, it's only ever any use to predict something just after it's happened. 487 00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:59,600 Yes, because then people go, "Wow." 488 00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:03,360 But one thing he did do that is genuine and this was the question, 489 00:27:03,360 --> 00:27:06,000 is he did a fantastic recipe for cherry jam. 490 00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:10,560 He read other books and one of the books he read was about jams. 491 00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:13,400 And his cherry jam recipe, we are assured today, 492 00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:16,200 - is still as good as it ever was. - Really? 493 00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:20,680 That is the thing Nostradamus did that is provably, demonstrably and repeatedly true. 494 00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:22,480 He also made aphrodisiac jams 495 00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:25,160 made of sparrows' brains and all that sort of thing. 496 00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:29,920 - But generally speaking his cherry jam... - Was a triumph. - It's something he got right. 497 00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:32,120 - I might make some jam... - Yeah. 498 00:27:32,120 --> 00:27:37,160 - Why not? - Know what you need? Fruit. - Sugar. - And sugar. - Pectin. 499 00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:38,560 No, I'm not going to make nice jam. 500 00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:40,720 - Fair enough. What sort of jam are you going to make? 501 00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:43,560 - Horrible jam. - There could be a market in that. 502 00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:46,240 - Cinnamon sticks... - Sean's horrible jam. 503 00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:49,200 You don't know what I've put in this stuff. 504 00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:51,280 It's up to you. Lottery jam, I call it. 505 00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:54,120 Sean's Bingo Jam! 506 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:59,520 One jar in every hundred is AMAZING! 507 00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:03,840 The rest of the time, it's instant vomit as soon as you open it. 508 00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:08,480 Anyway, yes, when Nostradamus wasn't predicting stuff, 509 00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:12,000 he was busy compiling a rather excellent collection of jam recipes. 510 00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:16,480 - Now? - Who's the most famous person to have been beaten... Hello? 511 00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:19,240 Do you think that's a massive hoax? 512 00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:20,360 Yeah. Hoax. 513 00:28:20,360 --> 00:28:23,120 JINGLE PLAYS Oh! You're wrong. 514 00:28:23,120 --> 00:28:24,480 Oh. 515 00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:27,680 Davies, you idiot! 516 00:28:27,680 --> 00:28:31,120 That was entirely true. David's... Got your's left, you've... 517 00:28:31,120 --> 00:28:33,520 - No, I did mine. - Oh, well. Anyway. 518 00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:36,680 It was too late, the question had finished. 519 00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:38,520 No! No, no, no. 520 00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:40,600 - It was too late. - You stopped me. 521 00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:44,840 So who was the most famous person to be beaten by a machine at chess? 522 00:28:44,840 --> 00:28:48,280 - You get double points if you can name the machine. - Me. 523 00:28:48,280 --> 00:28:51,400 - Are you the most famous person? - Yeah, I got beaten by a Hoover. 524 00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:54,360 - Is that right? - Yes. 525 00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:58,160 Somebody left it on and it moved the pieces around and it still beat me. 526 00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:00,320 That's how bad I am at chess. 527 00:29:01,960 --> 00:29:05,760 The key thing in the question is not most famous chess grand master. 528 00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:09,600 - It could be Marilyn Monroe or... - It's not a famous chess player? 529 00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:12,120 No. Very well worked out. 530 00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:13,480 - There is... - The Queen. 531 00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:17,640 - Garry Kasparov, the great grand master... - He lost to... - Deep Blue. 532 00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:21,080 - But that wasn't... - The Queen is the most famous person in the world. 533 00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:22,840 Did she lose to a ZX80? 534 00:29:22,840 --> 00:29:25,880 This was someone who was more famous than the Queen in his day 535 00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:28,320 and was bigger than a Queen, as it were! 536 00:29:28,320 --> 00:29:29,880 Had a higher rank than queen. 537 00:29:29,880 --> 00:29:30,920 Jesus. 538 00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:33,680 Jesus...? 539 00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:36,040 Jesus isn't really a rank. 540 00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:38,160 He's famous, though, Jesus. 541 00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:39,640 - It's a rank. - "I am Jesus." 542 00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:42,720 - "I outrank you!" - He's more famous than the Queen, though. 543 00:29:42,720 --> 00:29:45,680 - Yes, that's true. - You can't handle the truth. 544 00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:50,320 Jesus Plays Chess sounds like an indie band 545 00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:51,600 or it will be. 546 00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:54,400 - Napoleon. - Napoleon is the right answer. 547 00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:57,520 Do you know what the machine might have been? Famous in its day. 548 00:29:57,520 --> 00:30:02,480 - Was it some sort of clever wind-up automaton? - It was an automaton 549 00:30:02,480 --> 00:30:04,320 and it was unbelievably clever. 550 00:30:04,320 --> 00:30:06,320 It was called the Mechanical Turk 551 00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:09,680 and the Turk was made of machinery 552 00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:14,520 and you would open the doors, rather like a magician, showing it was empty, 553 00:30:14,520 --> 00:30:17,920 though in fact, there would be a man inside who was a chess master. 554 00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:22,760 He would manipulate the machinery to make the Turk pick up and move the pieces. 555 00:30:22,760 --> 00:30:26,000 So it was a genuinely astonishing piece of machinery 556 00:30:26,000 --> 00:30:29,000 that unfortunately burned in a fire in 1854. 557 00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:31,520 Napoleon rather fancied himself at chess 558 00:30:31,520 --> 00:30:35,560 and of course, being Emperor, I daresay nobody ever dared beat him, 559 00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:38,840 so he was extremely annoyed to be beaten in 19 moves 560 00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:40,160 by this machine. 561 00:30:40,160 --> 00:30:43,560 So, yeah. And many others were beaten, you might like to know. 562 00:30:43,560 --> 00:30:46,440 Benjamin Franklin, who was in Paris at the time 563 00:30:46,440 --> 00:30:49,360 as ambassador for the newly formed United States. 564 00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:51,440 What was the deal with it? 565 00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:54,320 - They were unaware that there was a grand master inside? - Yeah. - OK. 566 00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:58,080 They thought it was a machine. Charles Babbage was beaten by it. 567 00:30:58,080 --> 00:31:01,920 He's the father of computing. He invented the difference engine. 568 00:31:01,920 --> 00:31:04,200 Maybe if he'd known there was a man inside, 569 00:31:04,200 --> 00:31:07,360 - he would never have invented the difference engine. - Exactly. 570 00:31:07,360 --> 00:31:10,840 But it was the sensation of the age, a remarkable thing. 571 00:31:10,840 --> 00:31:18,000 By 1989, a magician rebuilt it - it cost him 120,000 to build a version that worked. 572 00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:22,840 The name of the man who invented it was Wolfgang Von Kempelen 573 00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:25,280 who lived from 1734-1804, 574 00:31:25,280 --> 00:31:28,760 and he did it to impress the Empress Maria Theresa. 575 00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:33,000 And it sure did. It impressed everybody. It's rather wonderful. 576 00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:34,280 The Mechanical Turk. 577 00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:38,080 A manned automaton that beat Napoleon at chess, amongst other people. 578 00:31:38,080 --> 00:31:41,040 Now, what's the best way to give a squad of American soldiers 579 00:31:41,040 --> 00:31:43,160 the screaming heebie-jeebies in a plane? 580 00:31:43,160 --> 00:31:45,680 - Snakes. - Snakes might do it! 581 00:31:45,680 --> 00:31:47,520 That's a pretty good way. 582 00:31:47,520 --> 00:31:51,400 The point is, you want to research people panicking. 583 00:31:51,400 --> 00:31:53,720 Is this a cash prize? 584 00:31:53,720 --> 00:31:54,880 Is that it? 585 00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:57,720 It could be... 586 00:31:57,720 --> 00:32:01,640 When they were trying to test - how can we test the evacuation procedure? - 587 00:32:01,640 --> 00:32:03,920 so they get people in a plane and turn some lights off 588 00:32:03,920 --> 00:32:06,360 and so some fake smoke but it's obviously not crashing 589 00:32:06,360 --> 00:32:09,240 and so now everyone evacuates in an orderly way. 590 00:32:09,240 --> 00:32:12,720 When this actually happens in a situation of real jeopardy, 591 00:32:12,720 --> 00:32:15,280 it's a massive fight and loads of people die. 592 00:32:15,280 --> 00:32:20,840 So in order to properly fake the conditions of jeopardy... 593 00:32:20,840 --> 00:32:24,040 - Right. - ..they offered, the first one that gets out gets 20,000. 594 00:32:24,040 --> 00:32:27,960 And then suddenly everyone's panicking and screaming and it's like there's a real... 595 00:32:27,960 --> 00:32:31,600 Actually, because they're soldiers, you don't have to do that. 596 00:32:31,600 --> 00:32:34,520 Basically you can just do what you like with them. 597 00:32:34,520 --> 00:32:36,800 So what you do is, you hoax them. You put them up in a plane 598 00:32:36,800 --> 00:32:40,880 and you get the pilot to shut off one of the engines, 599 00:32:40,880 --> 00:32:46,480 and act very well going into a helluva panic, so the soldiers genuinely think they're going to die, 600 00:32:46,480 --> 00:32:51,600 and then you give them forms to fill in, cos what you're interested in 601 00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:54,960 is how humans perform under extreme stress. 602 00:32:54,960 --> 00:33:01,000 The forms are basically, "Who do you want to leave your money to? Fill in these forms, you've got 20 seconds", 603 00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:05,760 and you might be surprised to learn that people are crap under these conditions. 604 00:33:05,760 --> 00:33:08,280 They just write drivel and they're no use at all. 605 00:33:08,280 --> 00:33:13,200 What was the point of doing this? I don't see that anyone's learned anything from that experiment. 606 00:33:13,200 --> 00:33:14,880 Just seems unnecessarily cruel. 607 00:33:14,880 --> 00:33:18,160 You learn how people respond under genuine stress. You may say... 608 00:33:18,160 --> 00:33:20,200 They panic and they shit themselves. 609 00:33:20,200 --> 00:33:21,440 But, yeah... 610 00:33:21,440 --> 00:33:25,360 I think I'm going to play my Joker about that... 611 00:33:25,360 --> 00:33:27,920 JOKER CACKLES 612 00:33:27,920 --> 00:33:28,960 So sorry... 613 00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:31,960 - But I just... - Nostradamus' jam was... - I don't know why 614 00:33:31,960 --> 00:33:35,720 - experiments remind me of... You know elbow-licking? - Yeah. 615 00:33:35,720 --> 00:33:38,320 - Can a human lick their own elbow? - No. It can't be done. 616 00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:40,840 CLAXON SOUNDS 617 00:33:40,840 --> 00:33:42,720 - Oh! Hello. That's interesting. - OK. 618 00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:47,280 Because you got some points a few times ago when you were here... 619 00:33:47,280 --> 00:33:48,840 On the very first show! 620 00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:51,240 It was, actually. Did you know that it's impossible 621 00:33:51,240 --> 00:33:53,800 for a human being to lick their elbow? 622 00:33:53,800 --> 00:33:57,040 We have someone in the audience, if you'd put your hand up, who can lick 623 00:33:57,040 --> 00:34:02,400 - their elbow. Put your hand up if you can lick your elbow. - Higher! 624 00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:04,720 There you are. What's your name? 625 00:34:04,720 --> 00:34:06,040 - Selena. - Selena. 626 00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:10,440 Selena is now going to, I'm afraid, have some points deducted from you, 627 00:34:10,440 --> 00:34:12,600 Danny Baker, by licking her elbow. 628 00:34:12,600 --> 00:34:15,520 I said a human being, not some kind of freak! 629 00:34:15,520 --> 00:34:19,120 As you can see, she's a charming human being! Let's have a look. 630 00:34:21,280 --> 00:34:24,360 That is a woman licking an elbow! Did you see that, ladies and gentlemen? 631 00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:26,880 APPLAUSE 632 00:34:26,880 --> 00:34:29,360 That's brilliantly done! 633 00:34:29,360 --> 00:34:32,560 Is there a... Is there a reason for this? 634 00:34:32,560 --> 00:34:35,360 Can you do both together like that? 635 00:34:35,360 --> 00:34:39,360 Is there a reason...? Have you always been able to do it or you were dropped as a child? 636 00:34:39,360 --> 00:34:41,960 - You can just do it? - Yeah. 637 00:34:41,960 --> 00:34:45,280 - I'd have it looked into, it's not right. - Shall I do the other one? 638 00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:48,320 It does mean we will have to deduct some points from you. 639 00:34:48,320 --> 00:34:51,320 Oh, well, on the repeats, I'll look forward to that on Dave. 640 00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:55,480 Before it starts, "The following programme has an erroneous score." 641 00:34:55,480 --> 00:34:58,200 Well, we like to get these things right. 642 00:34:58,200 --> 00:35:01,600 In 1962, the US army devised a series of experiments to put the fear 643 00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:05,320 of God into soldiers to test their form-filling skills under stress. 644 00:35:05,320 --> 00:35:08,760 But enough hoaxes. It's time for some general ignorance. 645 00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:10,800 So, fingers on buzzers, if you please. 646 00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:12,400 - Are there hoaxes...? - How can you tell...? 647 00:35:12,400 --> 00:35:15,280 - ..in the general ignorance? - No. - The Joker's gone? 648 00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:18,040 - None whatever. - We've missed the hoax, haven't we? 649 00:35:18,040 --> 00:35:19,760 - We missed it. - You will find out. 650 00:35:19,760 --> 00:35:22,640 How can you tell if someone is lying? 651 00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:24,240 "Hello, dear!" 652 00:35:25,480 --> 00:35:28,640 Sweaty palms, their pulse starts racing, 653 00:35:28,640 --> 00:35:31,880 their heartbeat goes faster, their sphincter... 654 00:35:31,880 --> 00:35:34,360 If they clench up their sphincter... 655 00:35:34,360 --> 00:35:38,360 Let's suppose you haven't got a finger on their sphincter... DEER BELLOWING 656 00:35:38,360 --> 00:35:40,640 ..and you aren't holding their hand. Yeah? 657 00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:43,240 - What they've said turns out not to be true. - Yeah. 658 00:35:45,480 --> 00:35:46,960 APPLAUSE 659 00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:48,320 Yay! 660 00:35:51,800 --> 00:35:54,120 That's how you can tell they HAVE lied. 661 00:35:54,120 --> 00:35:58,800 That doesn't work either. It might be that they thought it was true, and they were just idiots. 662 00:35:58,800 --> 00:36:02,200 It tells you they HAVE lied, it doesn't tell you they ARE lying. 663 00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:04,280 How about if they begin the sentence with... 664 00:36:04,280 --> 00:36:06,880 "The Liberal Democrats have a lot in common with us." 665 00:36:06,880 --> 00:36:07,920 Very good. 666 00:36:08,920 --> 00:36:11,280 - Hello! - "Hullo, dear!" 667 00:36:11,280 --> 00:36:13,200 They work for an estate agent's. 668 00:36:14,680 --> 00:36:15,960 APPLAUSE 669 00:36:17,240 --> 00:36:19,560 Oh! Is there a bitterness behind that? 670 00:36:19,560 --> 00:36:22,000 No, it's just an observation. 671 00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:27,280 - Is it something physical? - It is but not tactile. You can't touch them. 672 00:36:27,280 --> 00:36:29,800 Is it the thing, and I fear claxons, 673 00:36:29,800 --> 00:36:33,840 but is it something about whether when they're just about to think about it, 674 00:36:33,840 --> 00:36:35,840 they look up left instead of up right 675 00:36:35,840 --> 00:36:38,440 or up right instead of up left or something like...? 676 00:36:38,440 --> 00:36:39,480 CLAXONS HOWL 677 00:36:39,480 --> 00:36:42,800 - Yes! You were right to fear claxons. - Yeah, I was. 678 00:36:42,800 --> 00:36:46,480 - I think I know what it is. - Embrace the claxon. - I'm trying to. 679 00:36:46,480 --> 00:36:49,480 As they're about to deliver the crucial detail, they go, 680 00:36:49,480 --> 00:36:53,440 "Yeah, well, it's about, ooh, er..." 681 00:36:53,440 --> 00:36:56,080 "l-l-l-l... 682 00:36:56,080 --> 00:36:58,120 "Let me... T-t-t-t-t-t-t... 683 00:36:59,280 --> 00:37:02,040 "About ten. About ten, I reckon. I mean..." 684 00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:05,360 Sean, you are more right than David by a long way. 685 00:37:05,360 --> 00:37:08,400 The point is it's very hard to see if someone's lying. 686 00:37:08,400 --> 00:37:11,800 There's nothing in the body language or the face or the eyes, 687 00:37:11,800 --> 00:37:15,480 nothing in the nose touches, the things that people think are to do with it. 688 00:37:15,480 --> 00:37:17,960 It's all to do with how they're speaking. 689 00:37:17,960 --> 00:37:23,960 - Is this why it's easier to tell if someone's lying on the phone than face to face? - Exactly so. 690 00:37:23,960 --> 00:37:25,720 They tested over 20,000 subjects, 691 00:37:25,720 --> 00:37:29,000 showing them videos of people telling the truth and lying. 692 00:37:29,000 --> 00:37:32,240 They found that people performed no better than chance. 693 00:37:32,240 --> 00:37:34,200 Not only that, so-called experts - 694 00:37:34,200 --> 00:37:38,040 polygraph operators, police investigators, judges and psychiatrists, 695 00:37:38,040 --> 00:37:39,520 returned the same result. 696 00:37:39,520 --> 00:37:43,440 But if you do it just on sound alone, people are much more accurate. 697 00:37:43,440 --> 00:37:47,200 About 73% accuracy listening to lies. 698 00:37:47,200 --> 00:37:49,280 So the thing to do is shut your eyes. 699 00:37:49,280 --> 00:37:53,040 - Is that man going to shoot him? - It's a very early polygraph. 700 00:37:53,040 --> 00:37:56,680 - It does look rather bizarre, doesn't it? - Right. "Name?" "John." 701 00:37:56,680 --> 00:37:58,200 "Wrong." Boom. 702 00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:03,480 Presumably that means it's easier to dupe the deaf than the blind. 703 00:38:04,560 --> 00:38:07,320 - Which isn't what you'd think. - No, it isn't. That's true. 704 00:38:07,320 --> 00:38:11,440 Having said all that I've said, Dr Ekman, a leading researcher, claims 705 00:38:11,440 --> 00:38:16,040 that 50 out of 20,000 people do have a natural ability to detect lies 706 00:38:16,040 --> 00:38:18,080 by actually looking at expressions. 707 00:38:18,080 --> 00:38:19,960 It is very, very few people. 708 00:38:19,960 --> 00:38:21,760 He named them the truth wizards 709 00:38:21,760 --> 00:38:25,240 and they're able to read micro-expressions that last milliseconds 710 00:38:25,240 --> 00:38:26,960 in ways that others aren't. 711 00:38:26,960 --> 00:38:28,080 So, there you are. 712 00:38:28,080 --> 00:38:30,320 Most people can't tell if you're lying, 713 00:38:30,320 --> 00:38:33,600 but they'll have a better chance if they focus on your speech. 714 00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:37,040 What's the one thing you know for sure about oranges? 715 00:38:37,040 --> 00:38:39,000 - They're orange. - They're orange? 716 00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:42,680 CLAXONS GO OFF Oh! That's the problem. 717 00:38:42,680 --> 00:38:46,200 There are red ones and most of them aren't orange, in fact. 718 00:38:46,200 --> 00:38:51,280 I know. Supermarkets have to make them orange a lot of the time. 719 00:38:51,280 --> 00:38:54,640 In warm countries, oranges are actually green. 720 00:38:54,640 --> 00:38:58,160 And there you can see how green they are. 721 00:38:58,160 --> 00:39:03,680 The interior part is orange, but supermarkets tend to use a gas 722 00:39:03,680 --> 00:39:05,360 to "de-green", as they call it, 723 00:39:05,360 --> 00:39:11,200 to take the chlorophyll out cos we shoppers prefer to see an orange skin. 724 00:39:11,200 --> 00:39:14,000 I'm a sucker for when they have variations... 725 00:39:14,000 --> 00:39:17,320 Me too, but most punters would like their oranges to be... 726 00:39:17,320 --> 00:39:20,480 I've worked in orange groves and they were orange. 727 00:39:20,480 --> 00:39:25,320 - Where was it? - It was in Israel, on the kibbutz, and I worked in the orange groves, 728 00:39:25,320 --> 00:39:26,400 got the sack... 729 00:39:26,400 --> 00:39:28,440 LAUGHTER 730 00:39:28,440 --> 00:39:32,520 ..fell asleep when I was meant to be mending irrigation pipes. That's not a good story. 731 00:39:32,520 --> 00:39:36,840 - And they were orange. - Yes? - The little blighters were orange. 732 00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:40,080 All of them. There wasn't one little green bugger amongst them. 733 00:39:41,080 --> 00:39:45,160 They do grow orange but in the really hot, humid countries they're green, 734 00:39:45,160 --> 00:39:50,120 and in deserts and in places made-up like the kibbutz. 735 00:39:50,120 --> 00:39:52,920 - Tell you something about oranges. - What's that? 736 00:39:52,920 --> 00:39:54,360 They're not the only fruit. 737 00:39:54,360 --> 00:39:58,200 They're not the only fruit! Good literary remark, that. 738 00:39:58,200 --> 00:40:01,960 Do you know where the word comes from or what the original word was? 739 00:40:01,960 --> 00:40:05,080 - It's naranja. - Naranja. That's the Spanish for orange. 740 00:40:05,080 --> 00:40:06,960 The original naranja is Sanskrit 741 00:40:06,960 --> 00:40:10,280 and what happened, as words do, it loses the N. 742 00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:12,920 So you get an orange, a "norange", 743 00:40:12,920 --> 00:40:16,680 and we think, "Oh, that 'a norange' must be 'an orange'," 744 00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:20,680 but in fact it was a norange, like a nadder was a snake. 745 00:40:20,680 --> 00:40:25,120 The French say "orange", don't they? It should be called a nanorange. 746 00:40:25,120 --> 00:40:27,760 - Just a norange would do. - A norange? 747 00:40:27,760 --> 00:40:29,960 - Norange juice. - Norange juice, yeah. 748 00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:31,840 That'll do it. Well done. 749 00:40:31,840 --> 00:40:33,760 Should an apple be called a napple? 750 00:40:33,760 --> 00:40:36,120 No, it doesn't work with apple. 751 00:40:36,120 --> 00:40:38,200 There must be... A napron, for example. 752 00:40:38,200 --> 00:40:41,280 - A nau pair. - No, that's just silly. 753 00:40:41,280 --> 00:40:43,280 But er... 754 00:40:43,280 --> 00:40:48,400 It works with a nadder. That's now become an adder but is was originally "a nadre." 755 00:40:48,400 --> 00:40:49,960 An adder. Right. 756 00:40:49,960 --> 00:40:52,120 And an ick name. 757 00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:55,600 Your ick name, nickname, it became a nickname 758 00:40:55,600 --> 00:40:57,480 but it was originally an ick name. 759 00:40:57,480 --> 00:41:00,720 - What's an ick...? - It became a nickname. - Right. 760 00:41:00,720 --> 00:41:05,280 A nickname is a name you give someone that isn't their real name, Sean. 761 00:41:05,280 --> 00:41:08,440 - What was it called before? - Ick name. 762 00:41:08,440 --> 00:41:11,480 What does that mean, an ick name? Where does that come from? 763 00:41:12,600 --> 00:41:16,080 - That's not a fruit. - No! Arrgh! 764 00:41:16,080 --> 00:41:17,560 APPLAUSE 765 00:41:18,920 --> 00:41:20,400 Oh, man. 766 00:41:20,400 --> 00:41:21,960 Heaven help us all. 767 00:41:21,960 --> 00:41:24,360 Oranges are not necessarily orange 768 00:41:24,360 --> 00:41:27,960 and there's a good case for saying that they started as greens. 769 00:41:27,960 --> 00:41:29,720 What do swimming pools smell of? 770 00:41:29,720 --> 00:41:31,440 - Hmm. - Children. 771 00:41:33,720 --> 00:41:34,760 Probably true. 772 00:41:34,760 --> 00:41:37,800 - The answer I suspect you're looking for... - "Hello, dear!" 773 00:41:37,800 --> 00:41:38,960 ..is chlorine. 774 00:41:38,960 --> 00:41:40,480 CLAXON SOUNDS Ow! 775 00:41:40,480 --> 00:41:43,280 They will do if you put chlorine in them. 776 00:41:43,280 --> 00:41:45,000 You don't smell the chlorine. 777 00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:47,640 In fact, if there is that smell that we don't like, 778 00:41:47,640 --> 00:41:49,920 the way to get rid of it is to add chlorine. 779 00:41:49,920 --> 00:41:53,320 - Chlorine reacting with the child's urine. - Yeah. 780 00:41:53,320 --> 00:41:57,760 Chloramines are formed by sweat and urine and faecal matter 781 00:41:57,760 --> 00:42:01,360 and lots of other horrible things in swimming pools added to chlorine. 782 00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:03,080 To get rid of them, add chlorine. 783 00:42:03,080 --> 00:42:05,680 So before I make up your scores, 784 00:42:05,680 --> 00:42:09,480 I should tell you that not one of you managed to identify the hoax 785 00:42:09,480 --> 00:42:11,800 because the idea of the hoax was itself a hoax. 786 00:42:11,800 --> 00:42:15,200 There was no hoax. GROANING 787 00:42:15,200 --> 00:42:17,320 APPLAUSE 788 00:42:20,880 --> 00:42:25,520 This... This is an outrage. This is like the end of Lost. 789 00:42:25,520 --> 00:42:27,960 It's endearing how much it matters to them. 790 00:42:27,960 --> 00:42:30,560 So everything you heard was as true as trousers. 791 00:42:30,560 --> 00:42:32,560 So the winner tonight... 792 00:42:32,560 --> 00:42:34,040 Wow! A-ha! 793 00:42:34,040 --> 00:42:37,800 The winner tonight with an impressive minus one is Sean Lock. 794 00:42:37,800 --> 00:42:40,600 - APPLAUSE - Oh, I won? - You won. 795 00:42:41,600 --> 00:42:45,400 - And... - You won this discredited show. 796 00:42:45,400 --> 00:42:48,800 ..second with an improbable minus 13, is David Mitchell. 797 00:42:48,800 --> 00:42:50,440 APPLAUSE 798 00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:55,160 - Yeah! - Yeah! 799 00:42:55,160 --> 00:42:58,840 Third with a pretty good minus 14, Danny Baker. 800 00:42:58,840 --> 00:43:00,120 APPLAUSE 801 00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:04,840 You grassed me up! Grassed up by the elbow-licker! 802 00:43:04,840 --> 00:43:09,480 And last with a surprisingly convincing minus 38, Alan Davies. 803 00:43:09,480 --> 00:43:11,920 - Thank you very much. - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 804 00:43:18,920 --> 00:43:23,480 Thanks to David, Danny, Sean and Alan. I leave you with an observation from Will Rogers. 805 00:43:23,480 --> 00:43:27,120 The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected. 806 00:43:27,120 --> 00:43:29,360 Thank you and goodnight. APPLAUSE 807 00:43:48,560 --> 00:43:50,600 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 808 00:43:50,600 --> 00:43:52,120 Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk