APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Well, hello!
Hello, hello, hello and welcome to QI,
for a bracing dose of health and safety gone mad.
Tonight's community safety officers
are the health conscious David Mitchell.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
The heavily-insured Ross Noble.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
The discreetly-dangerous Jeremy Clarkson.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And an accident waiting to happen - Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
So at a signal from me,
activate your hazard warning indicators, please.
Ross goes...
SUBMARINE ALERT: 'Dive! Dive! Dive!'
David goes...
LONDON TUBE ANNOUNCER: 'Stand clear of the doors, please.'
Jeremy goes...
LORRY: 'Vehicle reversing, vehicle reversing.'
And Alan goes...
AUSTIN POWERS' MINI-ME: 'Don't touch the button!'
Now, to demonstrate our sincere commitment to health and safety,
we made you all fill in some forms earlier,
which I hope you've done.
Why is there a picture of Richard Whiteley? Because...
You can take your hat off, if you like. Thanks. My hair would be ruined.
Yes. We couldn't have that. You all took the...
Fly away hair.
You all took the Whiteley Test, which is a test for hypochondriasis,
to see if you are hypochondriacs.
The test was a stupid test, though. Tests are, as a rule.
What was stupid about it? Every question, you had to answer 1 to 5.
1 meant "not at all", 2 meant "a little bit",
3, "moderately", 4, "quite a lot", 5, "loads and loads". Yeah.
And then one of the questions was,
"Do you worry about your health a lot?"
How can you answer, "I moderately worry about my health a lot"?
"I worry about my health a lot a little bit"? "I worry a lot a lot."
The answers didn't go with the questions. They didn't think it through, did they?
How long did they spend on it? Three minutes?
If it was four, they're idiots.
OK. Here we are. Ross...
Yes. ..you scored 20. Right.
And any score between 14 and 28 is not a hypochondriac. Right.
Don't worry about your health. Don't think there's something wrong with your body.
But I am terrified that a giant Richard Whiteley is going to kill me with a clipboard.
They should have asked that, shouldn't they?
My tendency with these
is to put the thing, basically, all the way through the middle.
Yes. "Do you want to kill children?" "Moderately".
I don't want to move too much either way.
This test is all about
how much are you worried about your health... Yes.
..but it's meaningless, unless we also have medicals.
It may be that Ross is at death's door, in which case,
in which case he's an idiot for being so laid back.
That's true. Or maybe one of us who's obsessed with our health
is also at death's door, in which case that's a very sane response.
Once again, your relentless, urgent and slightly worried logic
is making this a nonsense.
Ruining the programme - again. No, it's not, it's spot on, but...
I didn't read the questions. Didn't you?
No. You always put 5. That's the point of those things.
I'm either absolutely terrified of it or not bothered at all.
This explains why Alan is a mild hypochondriac,
Ross is not a hypochondriac, David is a borderline hypochondriac
and you are, dangerously, a hypochondriac. That's it.
I am. I didn't know it was about hypochondria, because I didn't read the questions.
But I am. I've got every single disease there is. Really, every one.
You've got elephantitis?
Yes, of the scrotum.
Oh, really?
I've got a twisted testicle, a hideous skin disease,
two slipped discs, a very dodgy...
I've got every conceivable disease there is.
With those testicular contortions, if that keeps going, you get to a point, if it's not treated,
it's like winding up an elastic band. It just... Your willie goes, "Rrrr!"
You take off like an aeroplane.
Make sure you've got plenty of room.
I went outside for a cigarette before the show
and thought, " I'm not going to get lung cancer. I'm wearing this."
You know who I feel sorry for the most is construction-working goths.
Oh! Cos they love a black outfit. That's what they have to wear.
But they've got to earn a living and this goes against everything they stand for. It's not fair.
These are reflective. They could have just the reflectors.
Ah. Would you want a reflective goth?
I would. I'd like one in my house.
"Bring out the reflective goth."
Emos are quite dark, as well, aren't they?
Yeah, but they're not the full goth.
I'd love to see an act called Rod Hull and Emo.
"Are you going to attack someone?" "No... I'll just be in my room."
Ah, but, anyway... The other thing about this test is, It's got a failure rate of...
His testes? No. Oh, I see, sorry, yes.
It says, "plus or minus eleven".
"If you have score of 21, plus or minus seven, you are not. But 44, plus or minus seven, then you are.
What am I, just for the record? Extremely, dangerously hypochondriac.
You should see a doctor at once about it.
I found out the other day that not everybody thinks about death constantly.
Yeah, it's a worry when you discover that. I know what you mean.
You assume what you feel is what everyone feels? Yes.
It says, "Do you have aches or pains or think you have aches or pains?" or something like that.
I do have aches and pains.
Well, then, you see, that was David's point. It's... Everybody..
If I hadn't 'fessed up to my actual aches and pains...
No, you see... I wouldn't be hypochondriac.
Part of hypochondria is people not expecting to have aches and pains
and thinking, therefore, it's very serious -
someone who has a headache thinks it's a brain tumour.
It's an aneurysm. I had one about an hour ago.
A brain tumour? An aneurysm.
I could feel the artery going "Chlrrch", right in the middle.
Agony. Did it go right down into your testicles?
It's an entirely... That's a different...
I definitely had one earlier.
Most people have headaches, I have savage pains, like lightning bolts.
Most people have headaches, but yours are in your head. They're 5.
People moan about their sore knees.
You go, "It's not the same, as when it's my knee."
With this test, what does it mean if you write the answers in your own blood?
That would mess with their heads. It would.
Not as bad as if you write it in somebody else's blood.
My favourite question on there was... I can't remember it now...
Oh(!) "Do you suffer from forgetfulness?" That one!
It says, "If you don't feel very well, do you get annoyed when someone says,
"You look like you're getting better."?
That's an interesting one,. "I feel terrible." "You look all right."
"I really feel ill." "No, you look fine." "LOOK..."
"If a disease is brought to your attention through the media, do you worry about getting it?" No.
You don't. So when you read about that flesh-eating thing in some paper...
What "flesh-eating thing"? A-ha! Yes!
Now, how would you use one of these to save someone from drowning?
I've got one here. I'm going to have to put gloves on, because I'm not allowed to touch it.
It's been lent to us by the Wellcome Collection,
one of the best medical collections in the world.
He could save himself by, for example, swimming.
Yeah. Rather than going, "Huhhhh!"
Imagine somebody had landed up on a beach, almost dead from drowning,
and I had one of these. Is it a bellows?
It is a bellows. It's a set of bellows.
You just pump air into his lungs. You'd think that, but no.
Are we saving him from drowning...? In the bum. Alan, repeat that.
Up his bum. Yes. It's up the bottom, but it isn't air.
There's more to it than that. Is it spit? Air?
No. Brandy! You unscrew that and you put tobacco in... Are you ordering? Tobacco?
Tobacco. And you light it. It's smoke.
Up the bottom? Yes.
There's several flaws with your argument.
Chief among which, if you're drowning, you're in water,
which is going to put it out.
Secondly, who's got time to fill that with tobacco and light it,
while somebody's drowning? And thirdly, it's rubbish.
Yeah. These are all strong arguments.
It's basically if you're trying to resuscitate someone
and it's not like someone once wrote it might be a good idea,
this was general mainstream medical belief,
and these were hung up all along the Thames,
on the Embankment, and on canals and waterways, and people
were expected to know, as you might be expected to know
where a fire extinguisher is, where the bellows were. And you fill that with tobacco
and, presumably, you puff it like a pipe, having washed it from its previous use...
..and then, "Fu-cha, fu-cha," like that.
It would be next to the life ring? Yes.
So you throw the ring and drag them in... I know, it seems bonkers.
What happened, apparently, in the 17th... There's an example.
There you are.
This is before this was invented and you needed someone with a pipe...
"Blow, man, for God's sake!"
"Is it sucking or blowing? I can't remember."
"I think it's blowing." "I don't know."
"Be sure, man, he's drowning." "I'll suck first."
So is it just the shock of the sensation of having smoke blown up your arse
that makes you splutter back into life? Who knows?
Apparently, in the 18th century, the late 1700s,
a woman was found drowning and almost dead
and people tried the normal things
and someone suggested blowing smoke up her arse. It seemed to work!
There was a point where they went, "Kiss of life?" "Just wait a second."
Exactly. "Hand me that pipe."
So what it is, clearly, is someone managed to get better from drowning
at a moment coincident with someone having smoke blown up their arse
and then for years, poor other people,
on top the indignity of nearly drowning, have had to face that.
It could have been worse. It could have coincided with having his eyes gouged out by crows.
That's true. "Go on, gouge his eyes out with crows!"
It would be a beautiful sight, though.
We've blown the smoke up there and the person splutters back to life,
then takes off, with the smoke coming out the back.
Look at the speed they're going at!
The bloke on left looks like he's going to rob his trousers. He does.
There's always a villain in 18th-Century London.
He's generating the smoke.
They didn't have an all-in-one device, like this,
so the one on the right has the pipe. So he has to French kiss...
This has nothing to do with saving a drowning man.
It isn't. Perversions of Olde London.
We've got another picture, as well. Oh, excellent.
We did have... There you are.
He's not drowning. He's just in the pub, he's just in the pub.
It's that scene from Pulp Fiction, with...
This is actually... This is bad,
because people can say, at almost any point, "I think I might be drowning,"
if they fancy this sort of thing.
As if that isn't bad enough, and that doesn't look wrong enough,
the bloke in the background went,
"I think I'll get me donkey in on this." It's like...
"Oh, when you said, "Blow smoke up my ass"...
..I thought... Maybe. I don't know.
Oh, dear.
I know. What a strange world we lived in,
but that was mainstream medical science.
Oh, God. That's got stuck in me throat, that.
The bellows! No, you don't!
Speaking of life-saving devices, I have some here
and I'd like you to tell me what you think they're for.
These are real...
..and there to save lives.
How would that save your life? Can you see?
You've got to look at your neighbour to see what you look like
and see if you can work out how this could be of any use.
Is it for doing complicated experiments? Not really.
Dealing with an animal that doesn't like being looked at in the eye.
Oh, Alan, you are on sparkling form. You're absolutely right.
What sort of animal? A bear? Not a bear, actually, in this case.
Some dogs don't like it. Plenty of animals don't. Ants hate it.
Ants? Not so much ants, to be honest, David.
Great that you're trying(!)
But not ants. A tiger or a lion?
It's a big primate. Ooh, gorilla. A big primate. It is a gorilla.
You'll see it has written on the side of it there in Dutch...
Gorilla.
STEPHEN SPEAKS DUTCH JEREMY: But just a moment...
And then it says, "Bokito kijker", which means, "Bokito viewer" - kijker is to look.
The trouble with these is, is it does look a bit like you're going,
"Oh..." But gorillas like that.
They like that. What they don't like is a long, loving look.
In Rotterdam Zoo, there was a gorilla called Bokito and a woman thought she was bonding with him.
She would sit and smile and gaze lovingly into his big brown eyes
and that is the worst thing you can do to a dominant male.
And one day, he just grabbed her. He leapt over, bit her 100 times
and he broke many of her bones. She was very nearly killed by him.
And she was revived by smoke being blown up...
Yes, that's what happened. Fortunately, being Dutch...
I'd like a pair, in case I get pulled over for speeding.
"Do you know why you're being pulled over?" "No idea."
"Where are you? Where have you gone? You big gorilla, you."
We went to the zoo and my mate, he's an odd bloke, anyway.
We were in the monkey enclosure and he was staring
at a monkey for ages.
The monkey stared back at him and went like this...
Hello! Yeah. And what did that mean, do we think?
Well, they're married now, so...
If you're feeling a bit sad, can you put them on upside down? Oh.
I suppose you could, yes.
So this woman thought she was getting on well with this gorilla
and he's..."I hate that."
Yes. "I'm going to do something, at some point, I'm going to crack."
But did they check that it wasn't just an incredibly annoying woman?
They didn't put the gorilla down? He was tranquillised.
After attacking her, he went into a cafe, caused a bit of a sensation, as you can imagine.
"Cappuccino! Don't look at me!"
To be perfectly honest... "Here he comes. What would you like, sir?"
"A cappuccino and a packet of biscuits? We'll bring it over.
"No, no, on the house."
"I'm sorry that the cappuccino isn't actually in the cup, but I'm not looking properly."
That would be a nightmare. If you had those on like that
and the cappuccinos were there... Yes.
..or the cappuccinos were there
and the gorilla goes, "Why are you looking there?"
The gorilla would think you were giving him the shoddy one.
It's just a nightmare. Would dark glasses not do? They would.
To be honest, this was more or less a publicity gimmick
by a health insurance company, but to emphasised the fact, also, they gave them out at the zoo,
don't look directly into the eyes of Bokito the gorilla.
The other option is, don't wear these,
just hide under a picnic table and you'll be fine.
I would say so. Why are they hiding under...?
Because there's a bloody big gorilla!
If you don't want to be beaten up by a gorilla,
arm yourself with anti-gorilla spectacles and you should be fine. Your safety is always our priority.
So, from a safety point of view,
where is the ideal place to attach a sharp spike to a car?
'Vehicle reversing. Vehicle reversing.'
You'll know. I do, actually. In the middle of the steering wheel.
Yes, it's the right answer. Can you explain? At the moment, you drive along and think,
a huge airbag, like a bouncy castle, is going to burst out if I drive into something and I'll be fine.
Yeah. But if you have an enormous spike, about a foot long,
sticking out of the steering wheel, like that, you would drive extremely slowly.
And you would brake very slowly. This a true fact - nobody would exceed, what, six miles an hour,
if you had one of those.
In many ways, it would, sort of, reduce the point of having a car. Quite a lot, yes.
If you made cars perpetually on fire people would be frightened to get in them at all.
The trouble with that is that wouldn't work for me. I look at that and think,
"Perfect", cos I could have a pasty on it, a sausage roll, two sandwiches, a Mars Bar...
A sort of shish kebab? Yeah.
It would be a motorway services kebab and I'd drive and nibble, like that.
Well, this is all part of the theory of what's called "risk compensation",
the fact that we now live in such bubbles in cars, we've got crumple zones and cages, ABS...
So, if there's a problem with people feeling like their car is a bubble,
what happens with bubble cars? Oh!
Does that make them more dangerous to drive?
Why do people think bubbles are so safe? They burst really easily. I'd rather be in a car.
Great if you were just driving in a bubble car and it went, "Foof".
"Where's my car gone?" Exactly.
Seatbelts were an example.
In 1983, they came in. Did they reduce the number of deaths?
Seatbelts? They have done - enormously. Well, oddly enough, road deaths were going down anyway.
But what certainly went up, with seatbelts being made compulsory, were deaths of cyclists.
People were basically driving more recklessly, because they thought, "I've got a seatbelt now,
"so I can... It doesn't matter if I brake later." That is the point of risk compensation,
that if you think you're safe, and in a safe car, you tend to drive more dangerously,
hence the point of the spike. Anyway, very good. Thank you all.
A spike on your steering wheel would put your life at risk, but it might just save somebody else's.
Now it's time for a round of "You're The Health And Safety Officer."
What equipment do children need to play conkers?
Don't say it. They're not allowed to, are they? If...
We haven't heard that noise. Yes?
Goggles? Yeah.
ALARMS GO OFF Ah, you see, that's...
I'm afraid, much as we may deprecate the health and safety culture
of our country,
that whole thing was absolute nonsense.
It was a school near Carlisle... I was going to say Cumbria. Right.
And the headmaster didn't like health and safety and to make a joke of it,
he issued his schoolchildren with these goggles and said,
"The way it's going, this is how you have to play." All the papers, of course...
Why, if we're dismissing the notion that schools are pro massive injuries,
did they close when it was a bit snowy and icy?
I don't know. I'm not saying there isn't a health and safety
culture problem, merely that the conkers one was made up.
The best thing to do - I do this every time I go to the supermarket -
"You see these yellow things here, the wet floor,
I like to walk along there and then just fall,
so your bum hits the top of it and it goes "Bang!" like that.
And you lie there going, "Oh, my God!" And people go, "Are you all right?"
You go, "Some idiot's left this here."
It just freaks them out and they just can't handle it
and they're, "Aaarrghhh!"
There should be a "Warning - wet floor sign" sign, shouldn't there?
Yeah, getting progressively... Starting small and building up
to the actual one itself.
OK, good. All you need to play conkers are conkers and string.
Now, speaking as a health and safety officer,
why would I stick my finger up your bottom...
if you couldn't name seven bald men, apart from Yul Brynner?
That is one of the oddest questions I've ever asked anyone.
I can name seven bald men, easily. You can?
Well, then I won't have to put my finger up your bottom. Ross Kemp. Kojak. Telly Savalas.
You can't mention him, though. Er... Does Kojak and Telly Savalas count as two? Blofeld.
Blofeld. That's three and I'm struggling to name any more.
I may have to put my finger up your bottom. Duncan Goodhew. Duncan Goodhew.
Famously bald. Matt Lucas. Matt Lucas is pretty bald.
We're terrified! We've got to get to seven.
I'm not going to put my finger up any of your bottoms. And don't blow smoke up my arse.
That guy over there. You haven't named him, have you?
Is this...? Willy Thorne!
Sorry. Sorry.
You know you're supposed to put your finger up a dog's bum if it's biting you?
I didn't know that. I didn't know that.
Yeah, bull terriers, dogs like that, because their jaws lock
and the only way you can make them release it, finger up the bum.
OK. Oh, no. You can use a stick or other implement.
The dog doesn't go, "Is that a pen? I'm not releasing him."
APPLAUSE Thank you, Ross.
I think it would show considerable sang-froid
to take out a pen while a dog is clamped to your arm.
"I will... No, no, not the fountain pen, just a Bic."
But to be fair, to be fair,
the dog in my scenario is also a talking dog,
so you can go, "Have you been on your holidays?"
"Well, the thing is... Oh! I let go!"
Tell it a joke. It'll go, "Ha, ha, ha!"
OK, good, that's nice but...
coming back to... Coming back to your question.
I supposing you had this problem that I wanted to cure,
one of the ways to cure it might be to get you name seven bald men.
Another way might be to drink water while a friend plugs your ears.
Hiccups! Hiccups.
There are many supposed cures for hiccups.
Thinking of bald people does something to your brain that apparently can help you.
But there is only one absolutely sure-fire medical way
of stopping hiccups and that is...
Death. ..digital rectal massage,
putting a finger up a bottom and having a wiggle. Digital...
I never knew that the bottom was a passage to so many cures.
It's what I'm here to tell you, Jeremy.
I thought it was just a means of expelling excrement but no.
When you say digital rectal massage,
was there a point where it changed from analogue rectal massage?
APPLAUSE
I think I remember because...
I think there was a big campaign on the TV at the time
and they would go... People were going, "Oh, no, it's not a very good signal."
"I'll go up on the roof and adjust the aerial."
I tell you what... "Hurry up."
I tell you what, I can't wait till 2012.
It's somehow colder, the digital. It's not as warm as the analogue.
But it's a lot more vivid. It is.
Spell hiccup.
H-I-C-C-O-U-G-H.
Why is it pronounced...? Oh! ALARM GOES OFF
It's considered an error. It's considered an error.
It's always written like that in the paper. It shouldn't be. Every newspaper has a house style.
True.
A lot of people do spell it like that
but it's an erroneous back formation
because it was considered something to do with a cough but it's not.
The Old English was always hiccup spelt in different ways
with Ys and CKs and "hiccop" and various things.
Anyway, digital rectal massage is the only proven cure for chronic hiccups,
although there are plenty of folk remedies if you don't have any rubber gloves handy.
Now, what about the Working At Height Directive?
What should somebody having an out of body experience look out for
as they near the ceiling?
Spinning fans. Ceiling fans, is it?
Well, yes, but presumably their spirit can go through the fan.
They should look out for a couple of undertakers coming in
and taking their body away. That's the kind of thing.
Is this something to do with health and safety? Not really.
It's to do with the nature of the out of body experience.
A doctor at the University of Southampton has undertaken a three-year test in 25 hospitals
to see if it really is possible.
And the way he's done it is on top of cupboards and shelves
he's put randomly generated pictures,
so that if someone genuinely had risen up above that level
and looked down and then survived,
they're asked to fill in a form and say what they'd seen.
I think they'd be more focused on their own chances of life and death than something on top of a cupboard.
But that isn't the history of what people say.
The anecdotal evidence is that they look down and describe what they've seen.
It's a long shot, let's be honest, but it's a genuine experiment.
They should put like a £20 note up here
and then when they go, "Oh, thank God I'm alive,"
and they're just looking slyly.
"I'll just wait till the doctors leave. I'll be cashing in."
It may be better psychology. You can suggest it to him.
What are the results of this survey? Dr Sam Parnia did it.
It's due to be announced in 2011 and we called him up
and he refused to give us the scoop, so we just don't know.
How annoyed would you be if you did all that research
and it turned out that the top of thing was so dusty
you couldn't see the picture?
You'd be like, "Oh!" That would be annoying.
OBEs, they're called. Out of body experiences.
I reckon it will turn out
that they can't see the things on the top of the cupboards.
That's what I think.
If you're having an out of body experience, check what's on top of the cupboards.
Now, imagine this, Jeremy is being mugged by an angry environmentalist,
there are three of you present, what would you do?
LAUGHTER
I've been mugged by angry environmentalists several times!
Have you? Yes. Somebody threw a pie in my face.
I was dressed up as Henry VIII for something or other. A vegetarian pie, presumably?
It tasted like Banoffee but she'd used too much sugar. I pointed that out to her.
LAUGHTER Anyway, go on, what was the question?
I would probably punch a horse. Right.
Yeah. I'd get a Shetland pony, get a hold of it, not to hurt it but just punch it a bit.
Then they'd be in the dilemma of, do we carry on the Clarkson attack or do we go to the aid of the...?
I'd use clever psychology. Very good. Horses are no good because
horses produce methane which environmentalists believe is a powerful global warming agent.
In that case, I'd turn the horse round, get a lighter, use it as a flame thrower.
LAUGHTER
Holding it's tail away. Yeah.
The point is you would help though, would you?
No, I'd video it.
You would! "All right, Jeremy? OK, I've got it all, don't worry."
Is it if that I were to intervene, I would somehow be liable?
Well, there is always that legal problem. No, it's something called the bystander effect.
It's to do with the number of people witnessing a crime. The larger the number who witness a crime,
the less likely that any of them will intervene.
It isn't just a crime either. This isn't very funny but I was once doing some go-kart racing
and the chap rolled his go-kart over in front of us.
All the petrol went all over him. He's going, "I'm covered in petrol."
And then it caught fire. Jesus! It was extraordinary.
There may have been 40 of us standing there, I was very close.
Really close - and you just stand going...
Don't do a thing. It's amazing.
The chances are... You know why, that's because you work in TV.
People in TV do the same thing, they just stand and go,
"Somebody ought to do something about that."
"Is there a runner we can get to do something?"
Can I have a coffee, two sugars! Bloke's on fire, it'll take ages...
I suspect if you'd been on your own, this is what the bystander theory says, you would've helped.
When there are others, there's a kind of dissolving of responsibility.
This seems to be a problem. Typical bystanders are we looking at here?
The two on the right are dead and the other two are doing nothing.
Something along those lines.
The worst I ever saw, when it was just me and I did want to help, was on a Cross Channel Ferry.
We've all been there - a terrible storm and everybody was being sick.
Really badly sick. I went into the loos, they've got ship's doors.
So there's a lip at the bottom. Yeah.
The entire lavatory was sick. Oh!
As the ship rolled, there was a businessman
in a suit and tie, respectable looking man, lying and the sick...
Oh! AUDIENCE GROANS
..was going right over him. Over his head.
I stood looking at this sight, and he was being sick... Oh!
And he just looked straight at me and went, "Kill me!"
Do you know, if I had a heart I would.
LAUGHTER Monstrous.
It was the worst... Instead of that you just vomited on him. Dear Lord.
In France, they have a Good Samaritan Law where you are
duty-bound to help someone's who's life is...
But that spoils it! If it's a law, you're just obeying the law.
"Do a kind thing." "No, I had to!"
LAUGHTER
I'd rather get sued for not helping.
If you're lying there and no-one's helping you, you'd be grateful.
Yes.
The odd thing is that law was brought in by the Nazis in Vichy France in the 1940s.
They were a complex bunch. They were!
There was a bad side, certainly...
GERMAN ACCENT: You are prosecuted for not helping the Jews!
You in court in the morning, you in court in the morning! Yeah. That was a Nazi.
It's still a law in France that you have to help somebody?
It's called the Good Samaritan Law or that's its nickname.
Is it also just the thing when you've got a large group of people,
like a committee, they actually can't do anything.
If you're in a room with eight people vaguely thinking of going for a curry, it will take,
you know, 25 times as long to get to the curry place, than it would one person.
And the point comes when, if you have up to 17-18 people, they will starve. Yes!
It's a tipping point. I think there is an element of that unquestionably.
There is... The curry doesn't need help. So it's not malice, it's just... Same principle,
the greater the number of people, the less likely you'll make a decision of any kind.
I think it's also fear of making a fool of yourself - especially if it's a group of strangers.
If you suggest something, a dominant figure will say, "No! You're wrong!" Or you'll...
Jury service then. Yeah.
So, the more witnesses, the less likely they are to help. It's called the bystander affect.
Now, how could a seahorse help you get round London?
That's... That's just silly.
That looks disgusting.
That looks like a leg of lamb. LAUGHTER
He's got that face but he's still put a tie on!
"I might look like a freak, but I'm going to be a smart freak!"
Do they all point the same way, or something like that?
It's a sort of play on words on seahorse.
What enables us to get around the place?
Knowing where... Sense of direction?
You're hippo-thingy. Hippocampus.
Yes. Hippocampus?! Which is a seahorse.
It's called the hippocampus because it reminded the first anatomists of a seahorse.
What I like about that thing, is that when you are really drunk, that still works.
You get home and you've no idea how... How you got home, I know!
"How did you get home?" "Don't know." It is odd.
I think I know the answer to this now. It's one of the things that I'm very grateful I tend a little
towards the obsessive-compulsive because when I'm very drunk,
I'm just normal and efficient and don't lose my keys.
That's really annoying cos I don't drink and I lose my keys and frequently can't find my way home!
LAUGHTER
I did a thing on this a while back. What's that called - the limbic system.
Even if you're blindfolded, you can tell when a lion has come into the room. Yes.
Cos you can sense danger. That's what... And it's going "Rrraaargh!"
Everyone's going, "There's a bloody lion in the room!" "A lion!"
That's right. It's the part of the brain that looks after direction. Alan, can I help?
I just wanted to see if you could double up safety-wise.
That's good. That's very good. Now you're all covered.
Now you can show a gorilla a science experiment.
Seahorses, ever encountered them?
I've seen them in an aquarium. They were kept in a long, cylindrical tank. About five foot tall.
Going up and down it like this... Look at that, that's not swimming.
They're the only fish with a neck.
Well... The sad thing is about 25 million of them are killed yearly
for Chinese medicine, which is unfortunate.
That particular one was a male,
who was doing something quite interesting for a male. Was he giving birth?
He was giving birth, exactly. They do have interesting sides to them.
I've always wondered about. I know it's more complicated than I think,
but, if it's the one that's giving birth, why don't we call that the female?!
What does the female one do that's more female than giving birth?
She plants the eggs in the male. Right.
Why aren't they actually large sperm? I know it's weird.
Why are they defined as eggs? They don't come from the one that gives birth. That's how...
It seems so arbitrary.
"No, they're more egg-like!" When everything points to that one, the one that gives birth!
Instead, it's, "No, no, it's the egg thing!" OK.
But the male then fertilises the things that've been planted by this, what you want to call a male.
So it is pretty hard not to say they are male and female.
I grant you it's an unusual arrangement.
And now it's time to proceed with extreme caution
as we approach the hazardous environment of General Ignorance.
Place your fingers carefully on the appropriate location.
Which of these birds would you trust to take home with you?
Sorry, I should put that better. Which of these birds would you trust to take you home?
You've been confusing me with your dirty talk.
So the question is, is a blind pigeon better than a one-eyed robin?
Yeah, or a particular one-eyed robin, because one is...
'Vehicle reversing!'
It's the pigeon. The pigeon? It follows magnetic lines. It doesn't need eyes for that.
You're right. The pigeon could take you home
but so could the robin on the right, the one whose left eye is covered.
The one of the left whose right eye is covered
couldn't navigate at all. Cos he's pissed. No.
Because his right eye is covered. That's the weird thing.
So the left eye is just ornamental, is it? It really is peculiar.
We know, now, that they use magnetism to navigate in their long journeys.
We know this because you can disorient them, pigeons and robins,
by placing magnets near them and they suddenly no longer know where to go.
But they also need to see,
that's to say, they're not just sensing it.
They obviously see some magnetic flux
in the way that we see light and colour or whatever.
But the weird thing they discovered, gosh knows why they tried it,
that a robin, it's only its right eye that sees the magnetism.
With its left eye covered, it can find its way using magnetism
but with its right eye covered, it can't.
So like an Apache helicopter pilot. They have to have binocular rivalry, they call it.
So you're saying it would be physically impossible
for a pigeon, a homing pigeon, to deliver a fridge magnet?
Yes.
It's a shocker. No wonder my business failed.
Ridiculous. You're right. It is a shocker.
What do they think, if the robin's right eye can see magnetism...
They think it's controlled in the left brain.
What's the left eye's special power? It's just an ordinary seeing eye.
Or maybe it can see smells. Maybe it can.
Like a sort of Bisto brown thing, you know?
It can see deliciousness.
There's clearly more work to be done.
It seems that robins detect magnetic fields with their right eye
but that pigeons can do it blindfold.
What causes a hernia? What causes it? Yes.
Isn't it the... one stomach lining muscle breaking through another?
Is that just what it is rather than what causes it?
That is sort of what it is. Are you trying to make us say something like lifting up a wardrobe? Yes.
But you would never say that!
I would never say a foolish thing like that and be caught by one of your traps!
Brilliant. You avoided the trap wonderfully.
A lot of people think it's caused by lifting a great weight...
You'll give yourself a hernia! Exactly.
Lifting a great weight will make it feel worse, but doesn't cause it.
It's a congenital weakness or it can be things like smoking which wear down the collagen.
But it's where one part of a body pops into another part.
Like that pink there, it's rather unpleasant. There you are.
That's literally blown out into the wrong part. Rather nasty.
Essentially bubble gum is herniated food. Yes, if you want to put it that way.
Right, I'm going to move on now!
Hernias are caused by a weakening in the abdominal wall.
Lifting something heavy might make you notice it but doesn't cause the weakness.
Why shouldn't you drink on antibiotics?
Ah... 'Dive! Dive!'
Because that's what doctors say.
All the time. And operate machinery, as well.
Oh, and just heavy machinery. Any sort of machinery, that's fine.
A sewing machine, you can do that.
You can operate a sewing machine off your tits.
But not the space shuttle.
You sort of... You can, really, can't you?
They just don't want you to have too much fun.
It's like you can use a mobile phone in a petrol station.
When antibiotics arrived, it was mostly in the 1940s
and one of the first things that antibiotics was brilliant at was syphilis.
And so they gave men with syphilis antibiotics
and the trouble is, they'd still be infectious for the first week of taking the antibiotics
and so they would say to them, "Don't get drunk, don't drink,"
Keep your trousers on.
So it's tradition. It's tradition. Yes.
I'm told when they give me antibiotics
they say don't drink. They're just doing that for traditional...
There are some antibiotics, there's one, I think it's called Flagyl,
which is like Antabuse, which will make you vomit, it's really horrific.
It doesn't stop the antibiotic working but you feel awful.
I hate being in the pub with someone going, "I'm on antibiotics. I better not."
I'll go, "Whoa!" It's great that you say it's tradition, actually.
That's made me so much less likely to drink on antibiotics now.
Really? If it's traditional, I'll go, "Well, that's fine.
"I respect traditions. I like these traditions.
"If we stop observing them, they'll disappear."
Surely by that logic, you'd be dressed as morris dancer?
That's not a good thing. We do all sorts of...
Christmas lunch, I wear a stupid paper hat
that makes my scalp itch. Yes, that's true.
And I wouldn't want to stop doing that just for a reduction in scalp discomfort.
Well spoken. Very true.
So, yes, with a few specific exceptions - please ask your doctor -
there is no general pharmacological reason not to mix antibiotics and alcohol.
Which brings us to the scores. Oh, and how interesting they are.
Safe as houses tonight with a very healthy lead of plus 6 points
is our winner, David Mitchell!
APPLAUSE Oh!
Followed... Followed at a reasonably safe distance with plus 2
by Ross Noble!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
In third place with minus 4 is Jeremy Clarkson.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING I thought I'd come last.
But I think I'm safe in saying
that tonight's loser with minus 6 is Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING How did I get minus 6?
Well, it's thanks from David, Jeremy, Ross, Alan and me
and I leave you with this thought from Mark Twain.
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
Take care and good night. APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd