1 00:00:23,540 --> 00:00:26,500 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 2 00:00:29,740 --> 00:00:32,100 Well, hello! 3 00:00:33,260 --> 00:00:37,660 Hello, hello, hello and welcome to QI, 4 00:00:37,820 --> 00:00:42,140 for a bracing dose of health and safety gone mad. 5 00:00:42,260 --> 00:00:44,140 Tonight's community safety officers 6 00:00:44,300 --> 00:00:46,620 are the health conscious David Mitchell. 7 00:00:46,740 --> 00:00:49,660 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 8 00:00:50,780 --> 00:00:53,060 The heavily-insured Ross Noble. 9 00:00:53,180 --> 00:00:56,100 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 10 00:00:57,380 --> 00:01:01,380 The discreetly-dangerous Jeremy Clarkson. 11 00:01:01,500 --> 00:01:03,940 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 12 00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:08,260 And an accident waiting to happen - Alan Davies. 13 00:01:08,380 --> 00:01:11,220 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 14 00:01:15,020 --> 00:01:16,460 So at a signal from me, 15 00:01:16,620 --> 00:01:19,340 activate your hazard warning indicators, please. 16 00:01:19,460 --> 00:01:20,380 Ross goes... 17 00:01:20,540 --> 00:01:22,780 SUBMARINE ALERT: 'Dive! Dive! Dive!' 18 00:01:22,900 --> 00:01:23,820 David goes... 19 00:01:23,980 --> 00:01:27,780 LONDON TUBE ANNOUNCER: 'Stand clear of the doors, please.' 20 00:01:27,900 --> 00:01:28,820 Jeremy goes... 21 00:01:28,980 --> 00:01:32,900 LORRY: 'Vehicle reversing, vehicle reversing.' 22 00:01:33,020 --> 00:01:33,940 And Alan goes... 23 00:01:34,100 --> 00:01:36,460 AUSTIN POWERS' MINI-ME: 'Don't touch the button!' 24 00:01:38,540 --> 00:01:41,860 Now, to demonstrate our sincere commitment to health and safety, 25 00:01:42,020 --> 00:01:44,220 we made you all fill in some forms earlier, 26 00:01:44,340 --> 00:01:45,540 which I hope you've done. 27 00:01:45,700 --> 00:01:50,020 Why is there a picture of Richard Whiteley? Because... 28 00:01:50,180 --> 00:01:53,780 You can take your hat off, if you like. Thanks. My hair would be ruined. 29 00:01:53,940 --> 00:01:57,060 Yes. We couldn't have that. You all took the... 30 00:01:59,020 --> 00:02:00,060 Fly away hair. 31 00:02:04,620 --> 00:02:09,500 You all took the Whiteley Test, which is a test for hypochondriasis, 32 00:02:09,620 --> 00:02:11,260 to see if you are hypochondriacs. 33 00:02:11,420 --> 00:02:15,060 The test was a stupid test, though. Tests are, as a rule. 34 00:02:15,220 --> 00:02:19,980 What was stupid about it? Every question, you had to answer 1 to 5. 35 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,660 1 meant "not at all", 2 meant "a little bit", 36 00:02:22,820 --> 00:02:26,260 3, "moderately", 4, "quite a lot", 5, "loads and loads". Yeah. 37 00:02:26,380 --> 00:02:28,100 And then one of the questions was, 38 00:02:28,260 --> 00:02:30,140 "Do you worry about your health a lot?" 39 00:02:30,300 --> 00:02:36,220 How can you answer, "I moderately worry about my health a lot"? 40 00:02:36,380 --> 00:02:39,620 "I worry about my health a lot a little bit"? "I worry a lot a lot." 41 00:02:40,940 --> 00:02:44,980 The answers didn't go with the questions. They didn't think it through, did they? 42 00:02:45,140 --> 00:02:47,340 How long did they spend on it? Three minutes? 43 00:02:47,460 --> 00:02:49,260 If it was four, they're idiots. 44 00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:52,740 OK. Here we are. Ross... 45 00:02:52,860 --> 00:02:54,700 Yes. ..you scored 20. Right. 46 00:02:54,860 --> 00:02:58,380 And any score between 14 and 28 is not a hypochondriac. Right. 47 00:02:58,540 --> 00:03:02,340 Don't worry about your health. Don't think there's something wrong with your body. 48 00:03:02,500 --> 00:03:07,060 But I am terrified that a giant Richard Whiteley is going to kill me with a clipboard. 49 00:03:07,220 --> 00:03:09,540 They should have asked that, shouldn't they? 50 00:03:09,660 --> 00:03:10,980 My tendency with these 51 00:03:11,140 --> 00:03:14,220 is to put the thing, basically, all the way through the middle. 52 00:03:14,380 --> 00:03:17,740 Yes. "Do you want to kill children?" "Moderately". 53 00:03:20,180 --> 00:03:22,180 I don't want to move too much either way. 54 00:03:23,620 --> 00:03:24,900 This test is all about 55 00:03:25,060 --> 00:03:27,660 how much are you worried about your health... Yes. 56 00:03:27,820 --> 00:03:30,180 ..but it's meaningless, unless we also have medicals. 57 00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:34,340 It may be that Ross is at death's door, in which case, 58 00:03:34,500 --> 00:03:36,980 in which case he's an idiot for being so laid back. 59 00:03:37,140 --> 00:03:40,740 That's true. Or maybe one of us who's obsessed with our health 60 00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:44,180 is also at death's door, in which case that's a very sane response. 61 00:03:44,340 --> 00:03:48,180 Once again, your relentless, urgent and slightly worried logic 62 00:03:48,300 --> 00:03:50,860 is making this a nonsense. 63 00:03:51,020 --> 00:03:54,300 Ruining the programme - again. No, it's not, it's spot on, but... 64 00:03:54,460 --> 00:03:56,900 I didn't read the questions. Didn't you? 65 00:03:57,060 --> 00:04:00,700 No. You always put 5. That's the point of those things. 66 00:04:00,860 --> 00:04:06,260 I'm either absolutely terrified of it or not bothered at all. 67 00:04:06,420 --> 00:04:08,780 This explains why Alan is a mild hypochondriac, 68 00:04:08,940 --> 00:04:13,740 Ross is not a hypochondriac, David is a borderline hypochondriac 69 00:04:13,900 --> 00:04:17,980 and you are, dangerously, a hypochondriac. That's it. 70 00:04:18,140 --> 00:04:21,860 I am. I didn't know it was about hypochondria, because I didn't read the questions. 71 00:04:22,020 --> 00:04:26,780 But I am. I've got every single disease there is. Really, every one. 72 00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:28,700 You've got elephantitis? 73 00:04:28,820 --> 00:04:30,780 Yes, of the scrotum. 74 00:04:30,900 --> 00:04:32,180 Oh, really? 75 00:04:32,340 --> 00:04:35,580 I've got a twisted testicle, a hideous skin disease, 76 00:04:35,740 --> 00:04:38,100 two slipped discs, a very dodgy... 77 00:04:41,860 --> 00:04:44,620 I've got every conceivable disease there is. 78 00:04:44,780 --> 00:04:49,620 With those testicular contortions, if that keeps going, you get to a point, if it's not treated, 79 00:04:49,780 --> 00:04:53,500 it's like winding up an elastic band. It just... Your willie goes, "Rrrr!" 80 00:04:53,620 --> 00:04:55,380 You take off like an aeroplane. 81 00:04:56,860 --> 00:04:59,100 Make sure you've got plenty of room. 82 00:04:59,260 --> 00:05:01,820 I went outside for a cigarette before the show 83 00:05:01,980 --> 00:05:05,340 and thought, " I'm not going to get lung cancer. I'm wearing this." 84 00:05:08,220 --> 00:05:13,380 You know who I feel sorry for the most is construction-working goths. 85 00:05:13,540 --> 00:05:16,860 Oh! Cos they love a black outfit. That's what they have to wear. 86 00:05:17,020 --> 00:05:22,140 But they've got to earn a living and this goes against everything they stand for. It's not fair. 87 00:05:22,300 --> 00:05:25,940 These are reflective. They could have just the reflectors. 88 00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:29,780 Ah. Would you want a reflective goth? 89 00:05:30,860 --> 00:05:33,140 I would. I'd like one in my house. 90 00:05:34,420 --> 00:05:36,100 "Bring out the reflective goth." 91 00:05:36,260 --> 00:05:38,340 Emos are quite dark, as well, aren't they? 92 00:05:38,460 --> 00:05:41,780 Yeah, but they're not the full goth. 93 00:05:41,940 --> 00:05:44,780 I'd love to see an act called Rod Hull and Emo. 94 00:05:49,220 --> 00:05:52,980 "Are you going to attack someone?" "No... I'll just be in my room." 95 00:05:53,140 --> 00:05:58,700 Ah, but, anyway... The other thing about this test is, It's got a failure rate of... 96 00:05:58,860 --> 00:06:03,580 His testes? No. Oh, I see, sorry, yes. 97 00:06:03,700 --> 00:06:06,380 It says, "plus or minus eleven". 98 00:06:06,540 --> 00:06:11,940 "If you have score of 21, plus or minus seven, you are not. But 44, plus or minus seven, then you are. 99 00:06:12,100 --> 00:06:16,380 What am I, just for the record? Extremely, dangerously hypochondriac. 100 00:06:16,540 --> 00:06:18,900 You should see a doctor at once about it. 101 00:06:19,060 --> 00:06:22,740 I found out the other day that not everybody thinks about death constantly. 102 00:06:22,900 --> 00:06:26,300 Yeah, it's a worry when you discover that. I know what you mean. 103 00:06:26,460 --> 00:06:28,940 You assume what you feel is what everyone feels? Yes. 104 00:06:29,100 --> 00:06:33,700 It says, "Do you have aches or pains or think you have aches or pains?" or something like that. 105 00:06:33,820 --> 00:06:34,820 I do have aches and pains. 106 00:06:34,980 --> 00:06:39,220 Well, then, you see, that was David's point. It's... Everybody.. 107 00:06:39,380 --> 00:06:42,860 If I hadn't 'fessed up to my actual aches and pains... 108 00:06:43,020 --> 00:06:45,980 No, you see... I wouldn't be hypochondriac. 109 00:06:46,140 --> 00:06:49,740 Part of hypochondria is people not expecting to have aches and pains 110 00:06:49,900 --> 00:06:53,300 and thinking, therefore, it's very serious - 111 00:06:53,460 --> 00:06:56,940 someone who has a headache thinks it's a brain tumour. 112 00:06:57,100 --> 00:06:59,300 It's an aneurysm. I had one about an hour ago. 113 00:06:59,420 --> 00:07:01,340 A brain tumour? An aneurysm. 114 00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:05,940 I could feel the artery going "Chlrrch", right in the middle. 115 00:07:06,100 --> 00:07:09,060 Agony. Did it go right down into your testicles? 116 00:07:10,620 --> 00:07:12,860 It's an entirely... That's a different... 117 00:07:12,980 --> 00:07:15,020 I definitely had one earlier. 118 00:07:15,180 --> 00:07:20,060 Most people have headaches, I have savage pains, like lightning bolts. 119 00:07:20,220 --> 00:07:23,780 Most people have headaches, but yours are in your head. They're 5. 120 00:07:26,220 --> 00:07:29,500 People moan about their sore knees. 121 00:07:29,660 --> 00:07:33,660 You go, "It's not the same, as when it's my knee." 122 00:07:33,820 --> 00:07:37,380 With this test, what does it mean if you write the answers in your own blood? 123 00:07:40,340 --> 00:07:43,020 That would mess with their heads. It would. 124 00:07:43,180 --> 00:07:46,020 Not as bad as if you write it in somebody else's blood. 125 00:07:46,180 --> 00:07:50,820 My favourite question on there was... I can't remember it now... 126 00:07:50,980 --> 00:07:54,340 Oh(!) "Do you suffer from forgetfulness?" That one! 127 00:07:54,500 --> 00:07:59,460 It says, "If you don't feel very well, do you get annoyed when someone says, 128 00:07:59,620 --> 00:08:01,620 "You look like you're getting better."? 129 00:08:01,780 --> 00:08:05,020 That's an interesting one,. "I feel terrible." "You look all right." 130 00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:10,780 "I really feel ill." "No, you look fine." "LOOK..." 131 00:08:10,940 --> 00:08:15,900 "If a disease is brought to your attention through the media, do you worry about getting it?" No. 132 00:08:16,060 --> 00:08:19,860 You don't. So when you read about that flesh-eating thing in some paper... 133 00:08:20,020 --> 00:08:22,740 What "flesh-eating thing"? A-ha! Yes! 134 00:08:22,900 --> 00:08:27,260 Now, how would you use one of these to save someone from drowning? 135 00:08:27,420 --> 00:08:32,660 I've got one here. I'm going to have to put gloves on, because I'm not allowed to touch it. 136 00:08:32,820 --> 00:08:35,180 It's been lent to us by the Wellcome Collection, 137 00:08:35,340 --> 00:08:37,940 one of the best medical collections in the world. 138 00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:40,500 He could save himself by, for example, swimming. 139 00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:44,460 Yeah. Rather than going, "Huhhhh!" 140 00:08:44,620 --> 00:08:48,580 Imagine somebody had landed up on a beach, almost dead from drowning, 141 00:08:48,740 --> 00:08:50,620 and I had one of these. Is it a bellows? 142 00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:53,780 It is a bellows. It's a set of bellows. 143 00:08:53,940 --> 00:08:56,780 You just pump air into his lungs. You'd think that, but no. 144 00:08:56,940 --> 00:09:01,100 Are we saving him from drowning...? In the bum. Alan, repeat that. 145 00:09:01,260 --> 00:09:04,740 Up his bum. Yes. It's up the bottom, but it isn't air. 146 00:09:04,900 --> 00:09:07,660 There's more to it than that. Is it spit? Air? 147 00:09:07,820 --> 00:09:12,540 No. Brandy! You unscrew that and you put tobacco in... Are you ordering? Tobacco? 148 00:09:12,700 --> 00:09:16,500 Tobacco. And you light it. It's smoke. 149 00:09:16,620 --> 00:09:17,780 Up the bottom? Yes. 150 00:09:17,940 --> 00:09:20,380 There's several flaws with your argument. 151 00:09:20,540 --> 00:09:24,260 Chief among which, if you're drowning, you're in water, 152 00:09:24,380 --> 00:09:25,940 which is going to put it out. 153 00:09:26,100 --> 00:09:29,140 Secondly, who's got time to fill that with tobacco and light it, 154 00:09:29,300 --> 00:09:33,020 while somebody's drowning? And thirdly, it's rubbish. 155 00:09:33,180 --> 00:09:35,340 Yeah. These are all strong arguments. 156 00:09:35,500 --> 00:09:38,300 It's basically if you're trying to resuscitate someone 157 00:09:38,460 --> 00:09:41,660 and it's not like someone once wrote it might be a good idea, 158 00:09:41,820 --> 00:09:45,340 this was general mainstream medical belief, 159 00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:48,340 and these were hung up all along the Thames, 160 00:09:48,500 --> 00:09:52,660 on the Embankment, and on canals and waterways, and people 161 00:09:52,820 --> 00:09:55,500 were expected to know, as you might be expected to know 162 00:09:55,660 --> 00:09:59,420 where a fire extinguisher is, where the bellows were. And you fill that with tobacco 163 00:09:59,580 --> 00:10:03,540 and, presumably, you puff it like a pipe, having washed it from its previous use... 164 00:10:06,260 --> 00:10:08,580 ..and then, "Fu-cha, fu-cha," like that. 165 00:10:08,740 --> 00:10:10,540 It would be next to the life ring? Yes. 166 00:10:10,700 --> 00:10:14,180 So you throw the ring and drag them in... I know, it seems bonkers. 167 00:10:14,340 --> 00:10:17,500 What happened, apparently, in the 17th... There's an example. 168 00:10:18,540 --> 00:10:19,500 There you are. 169 00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:23,140 This is before this was invented and you needed someone with a pipe... 170 00:10:23,260 --> 00:10:24,780 "Blow, man, for God's sake!" 171 00:10:24,940 --> 00:10:27,460 "Is it sucking or blowing? I can't remember." 172 00:10:31,340 --> 00:10:33,380 "I think it's blowing." "I don't know." 173 00:10:33,540 --> 00:10:36,260 "Be sure, man, he's drowning." "I'll suck first." 174 00:10:36,700 --> 00:10:41,620 So is it just the shock of the sensation of having smoke blown up your arse 175 00:10:41,780 --> 00:10:44,900 that makes you splutter back into life? Who knows? 176 00:10:45,060 --> 00:10:47,500 Apparently, in the 18th century, the late 1700s, 177 00:10:47,660 --> 00:10:52,860 a woman was found drowning and almost dead 178 00:10:52,980 --> 00:10:54,980 and people tried the normal things 179 00:10:55,140 --> 00:10:59,180 and someone suggested blowing smoke up her arse. It seemed to work! 180 00:10:59,340 --> 00:11:02,940 There was a point where they went, "Kiss of life?" "Just wait a second." 181 00:11:03,060 --> 00:11:05,220 Exactly. "Hand me that pipe." 182 00:11:05,380 --> 00:11:09,740 So what it is, clearly, is someone managed to get better from drowning 183 00:11:09,900 --> 00:11:14,060 at a moment coincident with someone having smoke blown up their arse 184 00:11:14,220 --> 00:11:16,100 and then for years, poor other people, 185 00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:19,620 on top the indignity of nearly drowning, have had to face that. 186 00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:24,340 It could have been worse. It could have coincided with having his eyes gouged out by crows. 187 00:11:24,500 --> 00:11:27,540 That's true. "Go on, gouge his eyes out with crows!" 188 00:11:27,700 --> 00:11:30,340 It would be a beautiful sight, though. 189 00:11:30,500 --> 00:11:34,580 We've blown the smoke up there and the person splutters back to life, 190 00:11:34,740 --> 00:11:37,300 then takes off, with the smoke coming out the back. 191 00:11:37,420 --> 00:11:39,100 Look at the speed they're going at! 192 00:11:39,260 --> 00:11:43,060 The bloke on left looks like he's going to rob his trousers. He does. 193 00:11:43,220 --> 00:11:45,700 There's always a villain in 18th-Century London. 194 00:11:45,820 --> 00:11:47,500 He's generating the smoke. 195 00:11:47,660 --> 00:11:50,260 They didn't have an all-in-one device, like this, 196 00:11:50,420 --> 00:11:53,460 so the one on the right has the pipe. So he has to French kiss... 197 00:11:53,620 --> 00:11:58,220 This has nothing to do with saving a drowning man. 198 00:11:58,340 --> 00:12:00,180 It isn't. Perversions of Olde London. 199 00:12:00,340 --> 00:12:03,660 We've got another picture, as well. Oh, excellent. 200 00:12:03,780 --> 00:12:05,900 We did have... There you are. 201 00:12:07,540 --> 00:12:13,020 He's not drowning. He's just in the pub, he's just in the pub. 202 00:12:13,180 --> 00:12:15,620 It's that scene from Pulp Fiction, with... 203 00:12:15,740 --> 00:12:17,900 This is actually... This is bad, 204 00:12:18,060 --> 00:12:21,820 because people can say, at almost any point, "I think I might be drowning," 205 00:12:21,940 --> 00:12:23,700 if they fancy this sort of thing. 206 00:12:23,860 --> 00:12:27,700 As if that isn't bad enough, and that doesn't look wrong enough, 207 00:12:27,820 --> 00:12:29,460 the bloke in the background went, 208 00:12:29,620 --> 00:12:33,500 "I think I'll get me donkey in on this." It's like... 209 00:12:35,220 --> 00:12:38,060 "Oh, when you said, "Blow smoke up my ass"... 210 00:12:39,260 --> 00:12:42,260 ..I thought... Maybe. I don't know. 211 00:12:42,380 --> 00:12:44,420 Oh, dear. 212 00:12:44,580 --> 00:12:47,060 I know. What a strange world we lived in, 213 00:12:47,220 --> 00:12:50,020 but that was mainstream medical science. 214 00:12:50,180 --> 00:12:52,540 Oh, God. That's got stuck in me throat, that. 215 00:12:54,140 --> 00:12:56,060 The bellows! No, you don't! 216 00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:02,040 Speaking of life-saving devices, I have some here 217 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:05,320 and I'd like you to tell me what you think they're for. 218 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:06,520 These are real... 219 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,000 ..and there to save lives. 220 00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:12,560 How would that save your life? Can you see? 221 00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:18,320 You've got to look at your neighbour to see what you look like 222 00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:20,920 and see if you can work out how this could be of any use. 223 00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:28,280 Is it for doing complicated experiments? Not really. 224 00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:31,880 Dealing with an animal that doesn't like being looked at in the eye. 225 00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:35,160 Oh, Alan, you are on sparkling form. You're absolutely right. 226 00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:38,720 What sort of animal? A bear? Not a bear, actually, in this case. 227 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:42,360 Some dogs don't like it. Plenty of animals don't. Ants hate it. 228 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:46,240 Ants? Not so much ants, to be honest, David. 229 00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:47,840 Great that you're trying(!) 230 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:51,760 But not ants. A tiger or a lion? 231 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:57,200 It's a big primate. Ooh, gorilla. A big primate. It is a gorilla. 232 00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:00,280 You'll see it has written on the side of it there in Dutch... 233 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:01,320 Gorilla. 234 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,960 STEPHEN SPEAKS DUTCH JEREMY: But just a moment... 235 00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:09,960 And then it says, "Bokito kijker", which means, "Bokito viewer" - kijker is to look. 236 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:14,040 The trouble with these is, is it does look a bit like you're going, 237 00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:17,200 "Oh..." But gorillas like that. 238 00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:21,560 They like that. What they don't like is a long, loving look. 239 00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:26,480 In Rotterdam Zoo, there was a gorilla called Bokito and a woman thought she was bonding with him. 240 00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:31,520 She would sit and smile and gaze lovingly into his big brown eyes 241 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:34,680 and that is the worst thing you can do to a dominant male. 242 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:38,920 And one day, he just grabbed her. He leapt over, bit her 100 times 243 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:43,560 and he broke many of her bones. She was very nearly killed by him. 244 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:46,440 And she was revived by smoke being blown up... 245 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:49,560 Yes, that's what happened. Fortunately, being Dutch... 246 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:52,200 I'd like a pair, in case I get pulled over for speeding. 247 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:57,680 "Do you know why you're being pulled over?" "No idea." 248 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:03,360 "Where are you? Where have you gone? You big gorilla, you." 249 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:07,240 We went to the zoo and my mate, he's an odd bloke, anyway. 250 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:10,840 We were in the monkey enclosure and he was staring 251 00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:12,680 at a monkey for ages. 252 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:16,680 The monkey stared back at him and went like this... 253 00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:20,440 Hello! Yeah. And what did that mean, do we think? 254 00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:22,720 Well, they're married now, so... 255 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:29,760 If you're feeling a bit sad, can you put them on upside down? Oh. 256 00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:33,880 I suppose you could, yes. 257 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:36,760 So this woman thought she was getting on well with this gorilla 258 00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:37,960 and he's..."I hate that." 259 00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:42,920 Yes. "I'm going to do something, at some point, I'm going to crack." 260 00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:47,480 But did they check that it wasn't just an incredibly annoying woman? 261 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:52,080 They didn't put the gorilla down? He was tranquillised. 262 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:56,240 After attacking her, he went into a cafe, caused a bit of a sensation, as you can imagine. 263 00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:58,880 "Cappuccino! Don't look at me!" 264 00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:06,480 To be perfectly honest... "Here he comes. What would you like, sir?" 265 00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:10,040 "A cappuccino and a packet of biscuits? We'll bring it over. 266 00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:11,400 "No, no, on the house." 267 00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:16,040 "I'm sorry that the cappuccino isn't actually in the cup, but I'm not looking properly." 268 00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,880 That would be a nightmare. If you had those on like that 269 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:21,000 and the cappuccinos were there... Yes. 270 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:22,680 ..or the cappuccinos were there 271 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:24,920 and the gorilla goes, "Why are you looking there?" 272 00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:29,680 The gorilla would think you were giving him the shoddy one. 273 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:34,320 It's just a nightmare. Would dark glasses not do? They would. 274 00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:38,360 To be honest, this was more or less a publicity gimmick 275 00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:43,240 by a health insurance company, but to emphasised the fact, also, they gave them out at the zoo, 276 00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:47,160 don't look directly into the eyes of Bokito the gorilla. 277 00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:49,440 The other option is, don't wear these, 278 00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:52,120 just hide under a picnic table and you'll be fine. 279 00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:54,760 I would say so. Why are they hiding under...? 280 00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:56,800 Because there's a bloody big gorilla! 281 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:02,320 If you don't want to be beaten up by a gorilla, 282 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:07,960 arm yourself with anti-gorilla spectacles and you should be fine. Your safety is always our priority. 283 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:10,240 So, from a safety point of view, 284 00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:15,360 where is the ideal place to attach a sharp spike to a car? 285 00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:17,640 'Vehicle reversing. Vehicle reversing.' 286 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:21,240 You'll know. I do, actually. In the middle of the steering wheel. 287 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:25,720 Yes, it's the right answer. Can you explain? At the moment, you drive along and think, 288 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:31,280 a huge airbag, like a bouncy castle, is going to burst out if I drive into something and I'll be fine. 289 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:34,800 Yeah. But if you have an enormous spike, about a foot long, 290 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:41,800 sticking out of the steering wheel, like that, you would drive extremely slowly. 291 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:47,680 And you would brake very slowly. This a true fact - nobody would exceed, what, six miles an hour, 292 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:48,960 if you had one of those. 293 00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:55,880 In many ways, it would, sort of, reduce the point of having a car. Quite a lot, yes. 294 00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:02,000 If you made cars perpetually on fire people would be frightened to get in them at all. 295 00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:08,040 The trouble with that is that wouldn't work for me. I look at that and think, 296 00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:15,040 "Perfect", cos I could have a pasty on it, a sausage roll, two sandwiches, a Mars Bar... 297 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:16,560 A sort of shish kebab? Yeah. 298 00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:20,840 It would be a motorway services kebab and I'd drive and nibble, like that. 299 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:25,680 Well, this is all part of the theory of what's called "risk compensation", 300 00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:30,880 the fact that we now live in such bubbles in cars, we've got crumple zones and cages, ABS... 301 00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:34,680 So, if there's a problem with people feeling like their car is a bubble, 302 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:37,320 what happens with bubble cars? Oh! 303 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,840 Does that make them more dangerous to drive? 304 00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:46,400 Why do people think bubbles are so safe? They burst really easily. I'd rather be in a car. 305 00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:51,960 Great if you were just driving in a bubble car and it went, "Foof". 306 00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:55,800 "Where's my car gone?" Exactly. 307 00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:57,480 Seatbelts were an example. 308 00:18:57,640 --> 00:19:03,160 In 1983, they came in. Did they reduce the number of deaths? 309 00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:09,080 Seatbelts? They have done - enormously. Well, oddly enough, road deaths were going down anyway. 310 00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:14,440 But what certainly went up, with seatbelts being made compulsory, were deaths of cyclists. 311 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:19,360 People were basically driving more recklessly, because they thought, "I've got a seatbelt now, 312 00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:24,080 "so I can... It doesn't matter if I brake later." That is the point of risk compensation, 313 00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:29,080 that if you think you're safe, and in a safe car, you tend to drive more dangerously, 314 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:33,000 hence the point of the spike. Anyway, very good. Thank you all. 315 00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:37,920 A spike on your steering wheel would put your life at risk, but it might just save somebody else's. 316 00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:43,080 Now it's time for a round of "You're The Health And Safety Officer." 317 00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:47,320 What equipment do children need to play conkers? 318 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:50,400 Don't say it. They're not allowed to, are they? If... 319 00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:52,200 We haven't heard that noise. Yes? 320 00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:54,600 Goggles? Yeah. 321 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:57,640 ALARMS GO OFF Ah, you see, that's... 322 00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:01,720 I'm afraid, much as we may deprecate the health and safety culture 323 00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:02,880 of our country, 324 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:04,920 that whole thing was absolute nonsense. 325 00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:09,520 It was a school near Carlisle... I was going to say Cumbria. Right. 326 00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:13,560 And the headmaster didn't like health and safety and to make a joke of it, 327 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:17,720 he issued his schoolchildren with these goggles and said, 328 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:21,720 "The way it's going, this is how you have to play." All the papers, of course... 329 00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:26,360 Why, if we're dismissing the notion that schools are pro massive injuries, 330 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:29,960 did they close when it was a bit snowy and icy? 331 00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:33,440 I don't know. I'm not saying there isn't a health and safety 332 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:36,920 culture problem, merely that the conkers one was made up. 333 00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:40,320 The best thing to do - I do this every time I go to the supermarket - 334 00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:44,080 "You see these yellow things here, the wet floor, 335 00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:46,440 I like to walk along there and then just fall, 336 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:50,200 so your bum hits the top of it and it goes "Bang!" like that. 337 00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:54,000 And you lie there going, "Oh, my God!" And people go, "Are you all right?" 338 00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:56,120 You go, "Some idiot's left this here." 339 00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:59,120 It just freaks them out and they just can't handle it 340 00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:00,560 and they're, "Aaarrghhh!" 341 00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:04,160 There should be a "Warning - wet floor sign" sign, shouldn't there? 342 00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:08,200 Yeah, getting progressively... Starting small and building up 343 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:10,000 to the actual one itself. 344 00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:14,320 OK, good. All you need to play conkers are conkers and string. 345 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:17,000 Now, speaking as a health and safety officer, 346 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:20,560 why would I stick my finger up your bottom... 347 00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:28,480 if you couldn't name seven bald men, apart from Yul Brynner? 348 00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:32,000 That is one of the oddest questions I've ever asked anyone. 349 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:35,680 I can name seven bald men, easily. You can? 350 00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:41,120 Well, then I won't have to put my finger up your bottom. Ross Kemp. Kojak. Telly Savalas. 351 00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:45,840 You can't mention him, though. Er... Does Kojak and Telly Savalas count as two? Blofeld. 352 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:51,040 Blofeld. That's three and I'm struggling to name any more. 353 00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:55,680 I may have to put my finger up your bottom. Duncan Goodhew. Duncan Goodhew. 354 00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:58,880 Famously bald. Matt Lucas. Matt Lucas is pretty bald. 355 00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:01,400 We're terrified! We've got to get to seven. 356 00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:07,320 I'm not going to put my finger up any of your bottoms. And don't blow smoke up my arse. 357 00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:10,120 That guy over there. You haven't named him, have you? 358 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:12,720 Is this...? Willy Thorne! 359 00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:14,480 Sorry. Sorry. 360 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:19,600 You know you're supposed to put your finger up a dog's bum if it's biting you? 361 00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:23,280 I didn't know that. I didn't know that. 362 00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:26,520 Yeah, bull terriers, dogs like that, because their jaws lock 363 00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:30,200 and the only way you can make them release it, finger up the bum. 364 00:22:30,360 --> 00:22:33,600 OK. Oh, no. You can use a stick or other implement. 365 00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:39,040 The dog doesn't go, "Is that a pen? I'm not releasing him." 366 00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:43,960 APPLAUSE Thank you, Ross. 367 00:22:45,080 --> 00:22:48,160 I think it would show considerable sang-froid 368 00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:53,040 to take out a pen while a dog is clamped to your arm. 369 00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:56,720 "I will... No, no, not the fountain pen, just a Bic." 370 00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:01,120 But to be fair, to be fair, 371 00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:04,600 the dog in my scenario is also a talking dog, 372 00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:07,720 so you can go, "Have you been on your holidays?" 373 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:10,160 "Well, the thing is... Oh! I let go!" 374 00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:13,400 Tell it a joke. It'll go, "Ha, ha, ha!" 375 00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:17,120 OK, good, that's nice but... 376 00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:20,640 coming back to... Coming back to your question. 377 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,560 I supposing you had this problem that I wanted to cure, 378 00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:26,840 one of the ways to cure it might be to get you name seven bald men. 379 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:31,000 Another way might be to drink water while a friend plugs your ears. 380 00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:32,640 Hiccups! Hiccups. 381 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:35,040 There are many supposed cures for hiccups. 382 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:39,280 Thinking of bald people does something to your brain that apparently can help you. 383 00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:43,000 But there is only one absolutely sure-fire medical way 384 00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:44,840 of stopping hiccups and that is... 385 00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:49,640 Death. ..digital rectal massage, 386 00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:52,960 putting a finger up a bottom and having a wiggle. Digital... 387 00:23:53,120 --> 00:23:56,560 I never knew that the bottom was a passage to so many cures. 388 00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:59,320 It's what I'm here to tell you, Jeremy. 389 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:03,120 I thought it was just a means of expelling excrement but no. 390 00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:05,960 When you say digital rectal massage, 391 00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:09,320 was there a point where it changed from analogue rectal massage? 392 00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:13,520 APPLAUSE 393 00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:15,440 I think I remember because... 394 00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:18,960 I think there was a big campaign on the TV at the time 395 00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:22,840 and they would go... People were going, "Oh, no, it's not a very good signal." 396 00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:25,440 "I'll go up on the roof and adjust the aerial." 397 00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:28,280 I tell you what... "Hurry up." 398 00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:31,480 I tell you what, I can't wait till 2012. 399 00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:35,280 It's somehow colder, the digital. It's not as warm as the analogue. 400 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:37,720 But it's a lot more vivid. It is. 401 00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:40,160 Spell hiccup. 402 00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:42,000 H-I-C-C-O-U-G-H. 403 00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:45,720 Why is it pronounced...? Oh! ALARM GOES OFF 404 00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:48,520 It's considered an error. It's considered an error. 405 00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:52,920 It's always written like that in the paper. It shouldn't be. Every newspaper has a house style. 406 00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:54,360 True. 407 00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:57,400 A lot of people do spell it like that 408 00:24:57,520 --> 00:25:00,960 but it's an erroneous back formation 409 00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:04,120 because it was considered something to do with a cough but it's not. 410 00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:07,080 The Old English was always hiccup spelt in different ways 411 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:10,000 with Ys and CKs and "hiccop" and various things. 412 00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:14,760 Anyway, digital rectal massage is the only proven cure for chronic hiccups, 413 00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:19,580 although there are plenty of folk remedies if you don't have any rubber gloves handy. 414 00:25:19,900 --> 00:25:22,660 Now, what about the Working At Height Directive? 415 00:25:22,820 --> 00:25:26,740 What should somebody having an out of body experience look out for 416 00:25:26,860 --> 00:25:28,140 as they near the ceiling? 417 00:25:28,260 --> 00:25:31,940 Spinning fans. Ceiling fans, is it? 418 00:25:32,100 --> 00:25:36,020 Well, yes, but presumably their spirit can go through the fan. 419 00:25:36,180 --> 00:25:39,140 They should look out for a couple of undertakers coming in 420 00:25:39,300 --> 00:25:42,100 and taking their body away. That's the kind of thing. 421 00:25:42,260 --> 00:25:45,780 Is this something to do with health and safety? Not really. 422 00:25:45,940 --> 00:25:48,940 It's to do with the nature of the out of body experience. 423 00:25:49,100 --> 00:25:53,740 A doctor at the University of Southampton has undertaken a three-year test in 25 hospitals 424 00:25:53,860 --> 00:25:55,660 to see if it really is possible. 425 00:25:55,820 --> 00:26:00,220 And the way he's done it is on top of cupboards and shelves 426 00:26:00,380 --> 00:26:03,020 he's put randomly generated pictures, 427 00:26:03,180 --> 00:26:08,020 so that if someone genuinely had risen up above that level 428 00:26:08,140 --> 00:26:09,980 and looked down and then survived, 429 00:26:10,140 --> 00:26:13,860 they're asked to fill in a form and say what they'd seen. 430 00:26:14,020 --> 00:26:19,300 I think they'd be more focused on their own chances of life and death than something on top of a cupboard. 431 00:26:19,460 --> 00:26:21,740 But that isn't the history of what people say. 432 00:26:21,900 --> 00:26:26,340 The anecdotal evidence is that they look down and describe what they've seen. 433 00:26:26,500 --> 00:26:30,620 It's a long shot, let's be honest, but it's a genuine experiment. 434 00:26:30,780 --> 00:26:32,700 They should put like a £20 note up here 435 00:26:32,860 --> 00:26:35,100 and then when they go, "Oh, thank God I'm alive," 436 00:26:35,220 --> 00:26:36,780 and they're just looking slyly. 437 00:26:36,940 --> 00:26:40,860 "I'll just wait till the doctors leave. I'll be cashing in." 438 00:26:41,020 --> 00:26:43,980 It may be better psychology. You can suggest it to him. 439 00:26:44,140 --> 00:26:48,060 What are the results of this survey? Dr Sam Parnia did it. 440 00:26:48,220 --> 00:26:51,500 It's due to be announced in 2011 and we called him up 441 00:26:51,660 --> 00:26:54,540 and he refused to give us the scoop, so we just don't know. 442 00:26:54,700 --> 00:26:57,340 How annoyed would you be if you did all that research 443 00:26:57,500 --> 00:27:00,700 and it turned out that the top of thing was so dusty 444 00:27:00,820 --> 00:27:02,700 you couldn't see the picture? 445 00:27:02,860 --> 00:27:05,420 You'd be like, "Oh!" That would be annoying. 446 00:27:05,580 --> 00:27:09,420 OBEs, they're called. Out of body experiences. 447 00:27:09,540 --> 00:27:12,580 I reckon it will turn out 448 00:27:12,740 --> 00:27:15,500 that they can't see the things on the top of the cupboards. 449 00:27:15,620 --> 00:27:17,700 That's what I think. 450 00:27:17,860 --> 00:27:22,460 If you're having an out of body experience, check what's on top of the cupboards. 451 00:27:22,620 --> 00:27:26,900 Now, imagine this, Jeremy is being mugged by an angry environmentalist, 452 00:27:27,060 --> 00:27:31,820 there are three of you present, what would you do? 453 00:27:31,940 --> 00:27:34,540 LAUGHTER 454 00:27:34,700 --> 00:27:37,860 I've been mugged by angry environmentalists several times! 455 00:27:38,020 --> 00:27:40,260 Have you? Yes. Somebody threw a pie in my face. 456 00:27:40,420 --> 00:27:45,060 I was dressed up as Henry VIII for something or other. A vegetarian pie, presumably? 457 00:27:45,220 --> 00:27:49,260 It tasted like Banoffee but she'd used too much sugar. I pointed that out to her. 458 00:27:49,420 --> 00:27:52,420 LAUGHTER Anyway, go on, what was the question? 459 00:27:52,580 --> 00:27:56,100 I would probably punch a horse. Right. 460 00:27:56,260 --> 00:28:02,380 Yeah. I'd get a Shetland pony, get a hold of it, not to hurt it but just punch it a bit. 461 00:28:02,540 --> 00:28:08,300 Then they'd be in the dilemma of, do we carry on the Clarkson attack or do we go to the aid of the...? 462 00:28:08,460 --> 00:28:11,660 I'd use clever psychology. Very good. Horses are no good because 463 00:28:11,820 --> 00:28:16,620 horses produce methane which environmentalists believe is a powerful global warming agent. 464 00:28:16,780 --> 00:28:20,620 In that case, I'd turn the horse round, get a lighter, use it as a flame thrower. 465 00:28:20,740 --> 00:28:23,220 LAUGHTER 466 00:28:23,340 --> 00:28:26,060 Holding it's tail away. Yeah. 467 00:28:26,220 --> 00:28:28,340 The point is you would help though, would you? 468 00:28:28,460 --> 00:28:29,980 No, I'd video it. 469 00:28:30,140 --> 00:28:35,220 You would! "All right, Jeremy? OK, I've got it all, don't worry." 470 00:28:35,380 --> 00:28:40,260 Is it if that I were to intervene, I would somehow be liable? 471 00:28:40,420 --> 00:28:46,340 Well, there is always that legal problem. No, it's something called the bystander effect. 472 00:28:46,500 --> 00:28:51,540 It's to do with the number of people witnessing a crime. The larger the number who witness a crime, 473 00:28:51,700 --> 00:28:55,500 the less likely that any of them will intervene. 474 00:28:55,660 --> 00:29:00,420 It isn't just a crime either. This isn't very funny but I was once doing some go-kart racing 475 00:29:00,580 --> 00:29:03,180 and the chap rolled his go-kart over in front of us. 476 00:29:03,340 --> 00:29:06,860 All the petrol went all over him. He's going, "I'm covered in petrol." 477 00:29:07,020 --> 00:29:10,660 And then it caught fire. Jesus! It was extraordinary. 478 00:29:10,820 --> 00:29:13,540 There may have been 40 of us standing there, I was very close. 479 00:29:13,700 --> 00:29:16,580 Really close - and you just stand going... 480 00:29:16,700 --> 00:29:19,260 Don't do a thing. It's amazing. 481 00:29:19,420 --> 00:29:22,300 The chances are... You know why, that's because you work in TV. 482 00:29:22,460 --> 00:29:26,220 People in TV do the same thing, they just stand and go, 483 00:29:26,380 --> 00:29:29,620 "Somebody ought to do something about that." 484 00:29:29,780 --> 00:29:32,740 "Is there a runner we can get to do something?" 485 00:29:32,900 --> 00:29:36,700 Can I have a coffee, two sugars! Bloke's on fire, it'll take ages... 486 00:29:36,860 --> 00:29:41,940 I suspect if you'd been on your own, this is what the bystander theory says, you would've helped. 487 00:29:42,100 --> 00:29:47,420 When there are others, there's a kind of dissolving of responsibility. 488 00:29:47,580 --> 00:29:50,860 This seems to be a problem. Typical bystanders are we looking at here? 489 00:29:51,020 --> 00:29:53,980 The two on the right are dead and the other two are doing nothing. 490 00:29:54,100 --> 00:29:56,780 Something along those lines. 491 00:29:56,940 --> 00:30:03,260 The worst I ever saw, when it was just me and I did want to help, was on a Cross Channel Ferry. 492 00:30:03,420 --> 00:30:07,180 We've all been there - a terrible storm and everybody was being sick. 493 00:30:07,340 --> 00:30:13,220 Really badly sick. I went into the loos, they've got ship's doors. 494 00:30:13,380 --> 00:30:15,900 So there's a lip at the bottom. Yeah. 495 00:30:16,020 --> 00:30:19,980 The entire lavatory was sick. Oh! 496 00:30:20,140 --> 00:30:22,540 As the ship rolled, there was a businessman 497 00:30:22,700 --> 00:30:27,540 in a suit and tie, respectable looking man, lying and the sick... 498 00:30:27,700 --> 00:30:29,300 Oh! AUDIENCE GROANS 499 00:30:29,460 --> 00:30:32,980 ..was going right over him. Over his head. 500 00:30:33,140 --> 00:30:37,820 I stood looking at this sight, and he was being sick... Oh! 501 00:30:39,020 --> 00:30:44,420 And he just looked straight at me and went, "Kill me!" 502 00:30:48,060 --> 00:30:50,140 Do you know, if I had a heart I would. 503 00:30:50,300 --> 00:30:52,060 LAUGHTER Monstrous. 504 00:30:52,220 --> 00:30:57,660 It was the worst... Instead of that you just vomited on him. Dear Lord. 505 00:30:57,820 --> 00:31:01,380 In France, they have a Good Samaritan Law where you are 506 00:31:01,540 --> 00:31:04,580 duty-bound to help someone's who's life is... 507 00:31:04,740 --> 00:31:08,740 But that spoils it! If it's a law, you're just obeying the law. 508 00:31:08,860 --> 00:31:10,460 "Do a kind thing." "No, I had to!" 509 00:31:10,580 --> 00:31:12,940 LAUGHTER 510 00:31:13,060 --> 00:31:16,500 I'd rather get sued for not helping. 511 00:31:16,660 --> 00:31:20,540 If you're lying there and no-one's helping you, you'd be grateful. 512 00:31:20,660 --> 00:31:22,140 Yes. 513 00:31:22,300 --> 00:31:25,860 The odd thing is that law was brought in by the Nazis in Vichy France in the 1940s. 514 00:31:26,020 --> 00:31:28,260 They were a complex bunch. They were! 515 00:31:28,380 --> 00:31:30,660 There was a bad side, certainly... 516 00:31:30,820 --> 00:31:34,780 GERMAN ACCENT: You are prosecuted for not helping the Jews! 517 00:31:34,940 --> 00:31:39,260 You in court in the morning, you in court in the morning! Yeah. That was a Nazi. 518 00:31:39,420 --> 00:31:42,460 It's still a law in France that you have to help somebody? 519 00:31:42,620 --> 00:31:45,780 It's called the Good Samaritan Law or that's its nickname. 520 00:31:45,940 --> 00:31:49,540 Is it also just the thing when you've got a large group of people, 521 00:31:49,700 --> 00:31:52,620 like a committee, they actually can't do anything. 522 00:31:52,780 --> 00:31:59,660 If you're in a room with eight people vaguely thinking of going for a curry, it will take, 523 00:31:59,820 --> 00:32:04,900 you know, 25 times as long to get to the curry place, than it would one person. 524 00:32:05,060 --> 00:32:08,820 And the point comes when, if you have up to 17-18 people, they will starve. Yes! 525 00:32:08,980 --> 00:32:14,260 It's a tipping point. I think there is an element of that unquestionably. 526 00:32:14,420 --> 00:32:18,700 There is... The curry doesn't need help. So it's not malice, it's just... Same principle, 527 00:32:18,860 --> 00:32:23,420 the greater the number of people, the less likely you'll make a decision of any kind. 528 00:32:23,580 --> 00:32:28,820 I think it's also fear of making a fool of yourself - especially if it's a group of strangers. 529 00:32:28,980 --> 00:32:33,020 If you suggest something, a dominant figure will say, "No! You're wrong!" Or you'll... 530 00:32:33,140 --> 00:32:35,220 Jury service then. Yeah. 531 00:32:35,380 --> 00:32:39,740 So, the more witnesses, the less likely they are to help. It's called the bystander affect. 532 00:32:39,900 --> 00:32:43,500 Now, how could a seahorse help you get round London? 533 00:32:43,620 --> 00:32:46,860 That's... That's just silly. 534 00:32:46,980 --> 00:32:50,060 That looks disgusting. 535 00:32:50,220 --> 00:32:54,220 That looks like a leg of lamb. LAUGHTER 536 00:32:54,380 --> 00:32:57,780 He's got that face but he's still put a tie on! 537 00:32:57,940 --> 00:33:02,260 "I might look like a freak, but I'm going to be a smart freak!" 538 00:33:02,420 --> 00:33:04,900 Do they all point the same way, or something like that? 539 00:33:05,060 --> 00:33:07,420 It's a sort of play on words on seahorse. 540 00:33:07,580 --> 00:33:09,940 What enables us to get around the place? 541 00:33:10,060 --> 00:33:13,220 Knowing where... Sense of direction? 542 00:33:13,340 --> 00:33:15,780 You're hippo-thingy. Hippocampus. 543 00:33:15,940 --> 00:33:19,940 Yes. Hippocampus?! Which is a seahorse. 544 00:33:20,100 --> 00:33:24,780 It's called the hippocampus because it reminded the first anatomists of a seahorse. 545 00:33:24,940 --> 00:33:29,220 What I like about that thing, is that when you are really drunk, that still works. 546 00:33:29,380 --> 00:33:35,380 You get home and you've no idea how... How you got home, I know! 547 00:33:35,540 --> 00:33:38,980 "How did you get home?" "Don't know." It is odd. 548 00:33:39,140 --> 00:33:44,060 I think I know the answer to this now. It's one of the things that I'm very grateful I tend a little 549 00:33:44,220 --> 00:33:47,500 towards the obsessive-compulsive because when I'm very drunk, 550 00:33:47,660 --> 00:33:50,340 I'm just normal and efficient and don't lose my keys. 551 00:33:50,500 --> 00:33:56,380 That's really annoying cos I don't drink and I lose my keys and frequently can't find my way home! 552 00:33:56,500 --> 00:33:58,740 LAUGHTER 553 00:33:58,900 --> 00:34:02,580 I did a thing on this a while back. What's that called - the limbic system. 554 00:34:02,740 --> 00:34:06,820 Even if you're blindfolded, you can tell when a lion has come into the room. Yes. 555 00:34:06,980 --> 00:34:11,540 Cos you can sense danger. That's what... And it's going "Rrraaargh!" 556 00:34:11,700 --> 00:34:14,780 Everyone's going, "There's a bloody lion in the room!" "A lion!" 557 00:34:14,940 --> 00:34:21,700 That's right. It's the part of the brain that looks after direction. Alan, can I help? 558 00:34:21,860 --> 00:34:25,180 I just wanted to see if you could double up safety-wise. 559 00:34:25,340 --> 00:34:29,220 That's good. That's very good. Now you're all covered. 560 00:34:29,380 --> 00:34:32,140 Now you can show a gorilla a science experiment. 561 00:34:34,260 --> 00:34:36,220 Seahorses, ever encountered them? 562 00:34:36,380 --> 00:34:43,020 I've seen them in an aquarium. They were kept in a long, cylindrical tank. About five foot tall. 563 00:34:43,180 --> 00:34:49,100 Going up and down it like this... Look at that, that's not swimming. 564 00:34:49,220 --> 00:34:51,460 They're the only fish with a neck. 565 00:34:51,620 --> 00:34:58,140 Well... The sad thing is about 25 million of them are killed yearly 566 00:34:58,300 --> 00:35:01,420 for Chinese medicine, which is unfortunate. 567 00:35:01,540 --> 00:35:03,300 That particular one was a male, 568 00:35:03,460 --> 00:35:07,820 who was doing something quite interesting for a male. Was he giving birth? 569 00:35:07,980 --> 00:35:11,660 He was giving birth, exactly. They do have interesting sides to them. 570 00:35:11,820 --> 00:35:15,300 I've always wondered about. I know it's more complicated than I think, 571 00:35:15,460 --> 00:35:20,500 but, if it's the one that's giving birth, why don't we call that the female?! 572 00:35:20,660 --> 00:35:25,300 What does the female one do that's more female than giving birth? 573 00:35:25,460 --> 00:35:27,980 She plants the eggs in the male. Right. 574 00:35:28,140 --> 00:35:32,660 Why aren't they actually large sperm? I know it's weird. 575 00:35:32,820 --> 00:35:37,180 Why are they defined as eggs? They don't come from the one that gives birth. That's how... 576 00:35:37,300 --> 00:35:39,700 It seems so arbitrary. 577 00:35:39,860 --> 00:35:44,380 "No, they're more egg-like!" When everything points to that one, the one that gives birth! 578 00:35:44,540 --> 00:35:48,460 Instead, it's, "No, no, it's the egg thing!" OK. 579 00:35:48,620 --> 00:35:54,500 But the male then fertilises the things that've been planted by this, what you want to call a male. 580 00:35:54,660 --> 00:35:58,540 So it is pretty hard not to say they are male and female. 581 00:35:58,700 --> 00:36:00,660 I grant you it's an unusual arrangement. 582 00:36:02,740 --> 00:36:05,420 And now it's time to proceed with extreme caution 583 00:36:05,580 --> 00:36:08,740 as we approach the hazardous environment of General Ignorance. 584 00:36:08,900 --> 00:36:11,700 Place your fingers carefully on the appropriate location. 585 00:36:11,860 --> 00:36:16,060 Which of these birds would you trust to take home with you? 586 00:36:18,420 --> 00:36:23,140 Sorry, I should put that better. Which of these birds would you trust to take you home? 587 00:36:23,300 --> 00:36:27,380 You've been confusing me with your dirty talk. 588 00:36:27,540 --> 00:36:31,220 So the question is, is a blind pigeon better than a one-eyed robin? 589 00:36:31,380 --> 00:36:34,500 Yeah, or a particular one-eyed robin, because one is... 590 00:36:34,620 --> 00:36:36,020 'Vehicle reversing!' 591 00:36:36,180 --> 00:36:41,700 It's the pigeon. The pigeon? It follows magnetic lines. It doesn't need eyes for that. 592 00:36:41,860 --> 00:36:44,340 You're right. The pigeon could take you home 593 00:36:44,500 --> 00:36:49,380 but so could the robin on the right, the one whose left eye is covered. 594 00:36:49,540 --> 00:36:52,100 The one of the left whose right eye is covered 595 00:36:52,260 --> 00:36:54,820 couldn't navigate at all. Cos he's pissed. No. 596 00:36:54,980 --> 00:36:58,980 Because his right eye is covered. That's the weird thing. 597 00:36:59,140 --> 00:37:03,740 So the left eye is just ornamental, is it? It really is peculiar. 598 00:37:03,900 --> 00:37:10,580 We know, now, that they use magnetism to navigate in their long journeys. 599 00:37:10,740 --> 00:37:15,300 We know this because you can disorient them, pigeons and robins, 600 00:37:15,460 --> 00:37:19,620 by placing magnets near them and they suddenly no longer know where to go. 601 00:37:19,740 --> 00:37:21,900 But they also need to see, 602 00:37:22,060 --> 00:37:24,180 that's to say, they're not just sensing it. 603 00:37:24,340 --> 00:37:27,140 They obviously see some magnetic flux 604 00:37:27,300 --> 00:37:29,980 in the way that we see light and colour or whatever. 605 00:37:30,140 --> 00:37:33,780 But the weird thing they discovered, gosh knows why they tried it, 606 00:37:33,940 --> 00:37:39,540 that a robin, it's only its right eye that sees the magnetism. 607 00:37:39,700 --> 00:37:43,380 With its left eye covered, it can find its way using magnetism 608 00:37:43,540 --> 00:37:46,220 but with its right eye covered, it can't. 609 00:37:46,380 --> 00:37:49,820 So like an Apache helicopter pilot. They have to have binocular rivalry, they call it. 610 00:37:49,980 --> 00:37:53,900 So you're saying it would be physically impossible 611 00:37:54,060 --> 00:37:58,140 for a pigeon, a homing pigeon, to deliver a fridge magnet? 612 00:37:58,260 --> 00:38:01,260 Yes. 613 00:38:01,420 --> 00:38:04,100 It's a shocker. No wonder my business failed. 614 00:38:05,820 --> 00:38:08,500 Ridiculous. You're right. It is a shocker. 615 00:38:08,660 --> 00:38:12,620 What do they think, if the robin's right eye can see magnetism... 616 00:38:12,780 --> 00:38:15,220 They think it's controlled in the left brain. 617 00:38:15,380 --> 00:38:19,580 What's the left eye's special power? It's just an ordinary seeing eye. 618 00:38:19,740 --> 00:38:22,660 Or maybe it can see smells. Maybe it can. 619 00:38:22,820 --> 00:38:25,700 Like a sort of Bisto brown thing, you know? 620 00:38:25,820 --> 00:38:28,460 It can see deliciousness. 621 00:38:28,620 --> 00:38:30,980 There's clearly more work to be done. 622 00:38:31,140 --> 00:38:34,500 It seems that robins detect magnetic fields with their right eye 623 00:38:34,660 --> 00:38:36,780 but that pigeons can do it blindfold. 624 00:38:36,940 --> 00:38:42,580 What causes a hernia? What causes it? Yes. 625 00:38:42,740 --> 00:38:48,620 Isn't it the... one stomach lining muscle breaking through another? 626 00:38:48,780 --> 00:38:51,860 Is that just what it is rather than what causes it? 627 00:38:52,020 --> 00:38:56,420 That is sort of what it is. Are you trying to make us say something like lifting up a wardrobe? Yes. 628 00:38:56,540 --> 00:38:57,940 But you would never say that! 629 00:38:58,100 --> 00:39:01,820 I would never say a foolish thing like that and be caught by one of your traps! 630 00:39:01,980 --> 00:39:04,100 Brilliant. You avoided the trap wonderfully. 631 00:39:04,260 --> 00:39:07,900 A lot of people think it's caused by lifting a great weight... 632 00:39:08,060 --> 00:39:10,140 You'll give yourself a hernia! Exactly. 633 00:39:10,300 --> 00:39:14,420 Lifting a great weight will make it feel worse, but doesn't cause it. 634 00:39:14,580 --> 00:39:20,500 It's a congenital weakness or it can be things like smoking which wear down the collagen. 635 00:39:20,660 --> 00:39:23,580 But it's where one part of a body pops into another part. 636 00:39:23,740 --> 00:39:27,700 Like that pink there, it's rather unpleasant. There you are. 637 00:39:27,860 --> 00:39:32,020 That's literally blown out into the wrong part. Rather nasty. 638 00:39:32,180 --> 00:39:36,980 Essentially bubble gum is herniated food. Yes, if you want to put it that way. 639 00:39:37,100 --> 00:39:39,100 Right, I'm going to move on now! 640 00:39:39,260 --> 00:39:41,980 Hernias are caused by a weakening in the abdominal wall. 641 00:39:42,140 --> 00:39:46,220 Lifting something heavy might make you notice it but doesn't cause the weakness. 642 00:39:46,380 --> 00:39:49,980 Why shouldn't you drink on antibiotics? 643 00:39:50,140 --> 00:39:52,620 Ah... 'Dive! Dive!' 644 00:39:52,740 --> 00:39:54,540 Because that's what doctors say. 645 00:39:54,700 --> 00:39:57,980 All the time. And operate machinery, as well. 646 00:39:58,140 --> 00:40:01,460 Oh, and just heavy machinery. Any sort of machinery, that's fine. 647 00:40:01,580 --> 00:40:03,900 A sewing machine, you can do that. 648 00:40:04,060 --> 00:40:07,180 You can operate a sewing machine off your tits. 649 00:40:07,300 --> 00:40:08,500 But not the space shuttle. 650 00:40:08,660 --> 00:40:11,340 You sort of... You can, really, can't you? 651 00:40:11,500 --> 00:40:14,500 They just don't want you to have too much fun. 652 00:40:14,660 --> 00:40:19,180 It's like you can use a mobile phone in a petrol station. 653 00:40:19,340 --> 00:40:22,740 When antibiotics arrived, it was mostly in the 1940s 654 00:40:22,900 --> 00:40:27,260 and one of the first things that antibiotics was brilliant at was syphilis. 655 00:40:27,420 --> 00:40:30,380 And so they gave men with syphilis antibiotics 656 00:40:30,540 --> 00:40:35,220 and the trouble is, they'd still be infectious for the first week of taking the antibiotics 657 00:40:35,380 --> 00:40:40,740 and so they would say to them, "Don't get drunk, don't drink," 658 00:40:40,860 --> 00:40:43,140 Keep your trousers on. 659 00:40:43,300 --> 00:40:46,020 So it's tradition. It's tradition. Yes. 660 00:40:46,180 --> 00:40:48,380 I'm told when they give me antibiotics 661 00:40:48,540 --> 00:40:52,380 they say don't drink. They're just doing that for traditional... 662 00:40:52,540 --> 00:40:56,140 There are some antibiotics, there's one, I think it's called Flagyl, 663 00:40:56,300 --> 00:41:00,820 which is like Antabuse, which will make you vomit, it's really horrific. 664 00:41:00,980 --> 00:41:03,780 It doesn't stop the antibiotic working but you feel awful. 665 00:41:03,940 --> 00:41:09,740 I hate being in the pub with someone going, "I'm on antibiotics. I better not." 666 00:41:09,900 --> 00:41:12,940 I'll go, "Whoa!" It's great that you say it's tradition, actually. 667 00:41:13,100 --> 00:41:18,740 That's made me so much less likely to drink on antibiotics now. 668 00:41:18,900 --> 00:41:22,660 Really? If it's traditional, I'll go, "Well, that's fine. 669 00:41:22,820 --> 00:41:25,100 "I respect traditions. I like these traditions. 670 00:41:25,260 --> 00:41:28,620 "If we stop observing them, they'll disappear." 671 00:41:28,780 --> 00:41:32,340 Surely by that logic, you'd be dressed as morris dancer? 672 00:41:33,860 --> 00:41:36,460 That's not a good thing. We do all sorts of... 673 00:41:36,620 --> 00:41:39,980 Christmas lunch, I wear a stupid paper hat 674 00:41:40,140 --> 00:41:43,580 that makes my scalp itch. Yes, that's true. 675 00:41:43,740 --> 00:41:48,540 And I wouldn't want to stop doing that just for a reduction in scalp discomfort. 676 00:41:48,660 --> 00:41:51,260 Well spoken. Very true. 677 00:41:51,420 --> 00:41:54,220 So, yes, with a few specific exceptions - please ask your doctor - 678 00:41:54,380 --> 00:41:58,660 there is no general pharmacological reason not to mix antibiotics and alcohol. 679 00:41:58,820 --> 00:42:02,380 Which brings us to the scores. Oh, and how interesting they are. 680 00:42:02,540 --> 00:42:07,220 Safe as houses tonight with a very healthy lead of plus 6 points 681 00:42:07,340 --> 00:42:09,380 is our winner, David Mitchell! 682 00:42:09,540 --> 00:42:11,460 APPLAUSE Oh! 683 00:42:14,260 --> 00:42:19,660 Followed... Followed at a reasonably safe distance with plus 2 684 00:42:19,780 --> 00:42:21,020 by Ross Noble! 685 00:42:21,140 --> 00:42:23,060 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 686 00:42:24,940 --> 00:42:27,380 In third place with minus 4 is Jeremy Clarkson. 687 00:42:27,540 --> 00:42:30,980 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING I thought I'd come last. 688 00:42:31,100 --> 00:42:34,980 But I think I'm safe in saying 689 00:42:35,140 --> 00:42:37,740 that tonight's loser with minus 6 is Alan Davies. 690 00:42:37,900 --> 00:42:40,020 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING How did I get minus 6? 691 00:42:46,620 --> 00:42:49,740 Well, it's thanks from David, Jeremy, Ross, Alan and me 692 00:42:49,900 --> 00:42:52,220 and I leave you with this thought from Mark Twain. 693 00:42:52,380 --> 00:42:55,740 "Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." 694 00:42:55,900 --> 00:42:58,420 Take care and good night. APPLAUSE 695 00:43:12,100 --> 00:43:15,060 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd