1 00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:27,080 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:34,800 Welcome, welcome, and thrice welcome 3 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:39,080 to the home of highbrow know-how that we call QI. 4 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:43,800 Tonight, we'll be groping down the back of the great sofa of history, 5 00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:48,320 to find those tasty morsels that other historians have so carelessly discarded there. 6 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:52,480 And to accompany me on my quest, I have the postmodern Rob Brydon. 7 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:56,560 THUNDEROUS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 8 00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:01,480 The pre-classical David Mitchell. 9 00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:03,800 MORE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:09,600 The Pleistocene Sandi Toksvig. 11 00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:11,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:18,600 And our very own bowl of primordial soup, Alan Davies. 13 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:21,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 14 00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:28,000 Each panellist is equipped with a suitably historic buzzer. 15 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:33,200 Sandi goes... MELLOW NAUTICAL MELODY 16 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:36,320 David goes... GRANDIOSE FANFARE 17 00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:41,240 Quite long. 18 00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:45,520 Rob goes... AMERICAN-STYLE MILITARY FANFARE 19 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:47,920 And Alan goes... HORN SQUEAKS 20 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:49,800 Of course. 21 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:52,680 So, as we stroll off into the mists of time, 22 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:56,640 let's start with something nice and easy - name a henge. 23 00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:58,800 Now, look, come on... 24 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:02,480 Seahenge. Aaah! 25 00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:05,320 ALARM AND BELLS 26 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:08,160 There is a Seahenge, but it's not a henge. Oh, right. 27 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:11,120 It's a word with the word "henge" in it, 28 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:15,040 as "spigot" has got the word "pig" in it, but it isn't a pig. You see? 29 00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:19,360 So, the word "henge" in it, that's wrong? 30 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:22,480 I think you're wary enough, for good reasons. 31 00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:24,960 Yeah, you didn't get me there. A henge is a specific thing. 32 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,320 What is a henge? 33 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:30,600 You have two of them on the side of a door, or on the top of a window. 34 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:34,640 WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: I'll do you a nice henge, sir, yes. 35 00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:38,640 A hedge bent on revenge, that's what it is. 36 00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:43,000 Good. It's a very old form of economic investment - a henge fund. 37 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:46,520 Wahey! It's not that either. It's one of those archaeological words. 38 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:49,760 There's a specific meaning, an embanked area outside 39 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:52,920 with ditches on the inside, right? 40 00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:56,840 And Stonehenge is the other way round, so it's not a henge. 41 00:02:56,840 --> 00:03:00,800 Even though the name henge comes from Stonehenge. 42 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:03,760 A henge is a word for something that's like Stonehenge, 43 00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:06,000 but not including Stonehenge? 44 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,360 Basically, yes. 45 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:11,920 It was just Stonehenge. Was the word "stone" named after Stonehenge? 46 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:14,240 Yes, you're safe with the stone. 47 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:18,640 Maybe Stonehenge was just a noise they came up with for Stonehenge, 48 00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:22,480 which luckily gave them a word for two common sorts of things. 49 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:25,240 Probably the noise when they put those top ones up. 50 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:28,320 GROANS AND SQUEALS 51 00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:32,880 People right up until the 20th century were quarrying it. They would actually set fires 52 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:37,520 on the lintels, the top bits, to crack the stone and take it off and build things with them. 53 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:40,720 Nowadays it's cordoned off. Yes, it is, rather, isn't it? 54 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,840 Except the Druids. They can do what they want. 55 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:47,080 How long have Druids been celebrating religious services there? 1970. 56 00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:50,000 Since the beginning of the 20th century. There's no 57 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:53,000 evidence that Druids had anything to do with Stonehenge. 58 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:56,520 So why did they get all these concessions of access to Stonehenge? 59 00:03:56,520 --> 00:04:00,200 In 1905, when they started doing it, Stonehenge was private property. 60 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:02,920 It didn't belong to anybody except the owner of it, 61 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:08,760 and then Chubb in 1915, who went to a lunatic asylum nearby, bought it in 1915... 62 00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:10,560 For his wife. You're quite right. 63 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:15,840 Yes, he bought it for his wife at auction. Yeah, and three years later she gifted it to the nation. 64 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:17,840 Re-gifted? 65 00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:21,800 Yes, re-gifted. Well, it must have been hell to clean. Those top bits. 66 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:27,400 So, the Druids have access to it, so presumably, I mean, they can't all have parked miles away. 67 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:32,200 They must have little stickers in their windows with a little Druid sign on it, 68 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:35,000 which also gets them into Klu Klux Klan meetings. 69 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:38,480 Yes, they've just got to straighten up their headdresses. 70 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,600 They can park near the burning cross. 71 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:45,280 There was a mention you made there of Seahenge. What is Seahenge? 72 00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:50,200 So that's not a proper henge either? No. Seahenge, isn't it some bits of old and knackered wood 73 00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:53,520 that occasionally become visible when the tide is out. 74 00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:57,760 That's it, 55 bit of old oak in Holme-Next-The-Sea in Norfolk coast 75 00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:00,120 which was only discovered quite recently. 76 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,920 Carhenge, does that mean anything to you? 77 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:06,000 Yes, I do know what that is. Yes? Well, I'll guess. 78 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:07,880 It's that... AUDIENCE TITTERS 79 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:10,080 You started really confident, 80 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:12,200 then it just slid away from you there. 81 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:16,000 It's probably not right, I'll give it a go. I think I know what it is. 82 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:19,840 It was featured on the inner liner notes of Bruce Springsteen's album 83 00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:22,800 The River, in particular reference to the song Cadillac Ranch, 84 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,640 it's all these Cadillacs that have been... It's not, is it? 85 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:27,680 Yes, it is. It is, it is! 86 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,040 All these cars have been stuck in the ground. 87 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:31,600 And sprayed with grey paint. 88 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:34,520 Yes, it's in Nebraska. It's interesting, though. 89 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:37,520 That obviously looks quite a lot like Stonehenge, 90 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:41,200 considering it's made of cars, but you can't help feeling 91 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:43,600 he could have made it look more like Stonehenge 92 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:45,880 if he'd used something else to make it with. 93 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:49,440 It was a memorial to his father. Was he killed in a car accident? 94 00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:54,800 Does the name Alfred Watkins mean anything to you? 95 00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:58,600 He wrote a book called the Old Straight Track 96 00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:03,640 in the 1920s, and he posited something that he called leys. 97 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:05,200 They're spiritual lines... 98 00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:09,360 Yes, people, apparently wrongly, call them ley lines. 99 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:14,760 They're wrong to do that. Whereas people who allege they exist aren't wrong to do that. 100 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:18,720 But we can show you some ley lines which may make you think again. 101 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:21,760 Each one of those letters represents something. 102 00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,720 Yeah, it's certainly challenging my scepticism. 103 00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:29,120 If each one of these letters represented a stone circle or a henge of some kind, 104 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:32,200 it would be quite a coincidence, because you would need to get 105 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:34,920 above the ground to get them that shape, but actually, 106 00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:40,440 this map was drawn by someone who was deliberately poking fun at ley lines, 107 00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:46,000 because this is nothing less than a representation of Woolworths stores in Britain. 108 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:50,560 As he says, you can't rule out the possibility that Woolworths 109 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:54,200 used aliens to get so exact and perfect a geometrical shape. 110 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:58,120 It does look like if you folded it one more time you'd get a frog. Yes! 111 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:02,280 It looks quite origami. Surely there are more, or were. 112 00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:03,720 There are 800. 113 00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:06,800 So he's been very selective in his choice of Woolworths stores. 114 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:10,080 Whereas, people who believe in ley lines aren't? 115 00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:14,680 According to archaeologists, Stonehenge isn't really a henge at all. 116 00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:16,880 So, I have a thing that I want to show you. 117 00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:19,120 This might help in decision-making. 118 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:22,040 Have a look at one there. 119 00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:24,400 Pass one along. 120 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,360 There you go. It's a bowl. 121 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:31,640 It's a replica of an original ancient British bronze bowl that was discovered in Northern Ireland. 122 00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:34,520 It's very like a bronze bowl. It's very like a bronze bowl. 123 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:37,320 It has got a hole in it. Has yours got a hole in the bottom? 124 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,480 Yes. They've all got holes in the bottom. 125 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:46,200 That's a very ancient British use, it must be said. 126 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:48,280 You know what I'd use this for? Tell me. 127 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:52,160 If I were enjoying some salted pistachios at home, 128 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:54,400 while watching the Emmerdale omnibus... 129 00:07:56,560 --> 00:08:00,040 ..I would use this to deposit... 130 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:02,120 To kill yourself. To kill yourself! 131 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:09,000 I'm joking, of course. I would 132 00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:12,480 use it to deposit the shells. 133 00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:15,160 And would the salt run out of the bottom hole? 134 00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:19,960 Yes, it would, and I would use that to encourage slugs. 135 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:23,400 I would make a trail of the salt to encourage them to their death. 136 00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:27,800 Do you think that's what ancient Britons used to use it for? 137 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:29,080 I think I'm close. 138 00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:33,440 Except it would have been Crossroads rather than Emmerdale Farm? 139 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:38,640 Yes. Would you like me to demonstrate how would you use it? Yes! I have one here. 140 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:42,160 It's a slightly bigger one. I have a large vase... Where's the fish gone? 141 00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:46,600 And if I put it in here, what's going to happen? 142 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:49,160 Yeah, great. It's going to sink. 143 00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:52,440 But the point is, it takes a set amount of time to fall 144 00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:56,040 to the bottom, and you could call that time a minute, or something. 145 00:08:56,040 --> 00:08:58,560 You could give it a name and make it a time unit. 146 00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:03,920 Suddenly, you've got a way of repeating a consistent length of time. 147 00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:07,000 Almost all civilisations have developed different ways 148 00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:09,920 of measuring a unit of time they can predict. 149 00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:12,080 Not necessarily to tell the time of day, 150 00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:13,960 which you could say when it's noon, 151 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:17,040 but, "I will see you in two..." let's call it a bowlington. 152 00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:20,200 When it hits the bottom - bang. 153 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:22,960 Go! Yeah, go, exactly. 154 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,320 So, if you're playing hide and seek, you'd say, 155 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:29,040 "I'll give you a bowlington," OK? And then you just drop it like that. 156 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:32,280 It's called a water clock, or a water thief, it is called a... 157 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,480 Ah, that's slightly different. Is it? 158 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:38,400 Yes, that's a Greek thing, that's a clepsydra, which is a water thief. 159 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:42,040 They used it the other way round. They had a bowl with a hole in it, 160 00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:45,720 but they perched it above and they measured out the amount of water 161 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:47,640 that dropped out through the hole. 162 00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:49,640 What other early clocks do you know about? 163 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,240 Candles, marked off. 164 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:55,160 Yes, do you know who was said to be the inventor of the candle? 165 00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:57,280 It's a legend. 166 00:09:57,280 --> 00:10:00,400 Alfred the Great, they say. Though not very reliable, 167 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:04,200 to be honest. No, he burnt those cakes. Yes, exactly, you see? 168 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:07,720 Very difficult to strap to your wrist, as well. 169 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:11,200 Do you know about explosive sundials, you might call them? 170 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,440 The sundial alarm clock? 171 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:15,680 It uses a lens, 172 00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:20,800 so that when the sun hits the lens, it points a beam at a fuse, 173 00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:24,360 which tracks all the way to a cannon and fires a gun at exactly noon. 174 00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:26,160 Can you get one of those, Stephen? 175 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:29,240 That's a fantastic way to wake the children. 176 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:33,280 In a hail of bullets. 177 00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:36,120 "You're going to school!" Pp-pp-pp-pp-pp! 178 00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:37,960 Dance! 179 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,120 Yeah, that would do it. We've got 180 00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:45,160 time telling by looking, by seeing something, the sun's shadow, 181 00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:48,280 for example, on a dial, and by listening 182 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:51,920 to a drum or a gun going off, but the Chinese, God bless them, 183 00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:54,120 they managed to use another sense. 184 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:57,000 Is it something that goes off in a certain amount of time 185 00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,160 when starts to stink. 186 00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:02,280 Sort of, they just had gradated incense sticks, joss sticks, 187 00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:04,600 so that it would burn for an hour, and it would 188 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,480 smell of sandalwood, and then 189 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:09,880 it would go through another band which smelt of rose or something 190 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:11,640 so you could tell what time it was. 191 00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:14,080 "Oh, it's the rose-smelling time, it's that hour." 192 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:15,240 That's rather sweet. 193 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:19,200 "Oh, it's cinnamon, I must collect the children." Yes, exactly. 194 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:22,640 You talked about the clepsydra, the Greek one that was like a bowl. 195 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:26,000 But there was a much more subtle Greek machine. Have you ever heard 196 00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:28,880 of a really remarkable Greek computer? The watch. 197 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:31,600 Sort of. It was much more than a watch, though. 198 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:36,600 It was discovered in 1901 by sponge divers. It's known as... SpongeBob? 199 00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:41,040 SpongeBob Square Pants. 200 00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:43,280 An antikythera. 201 00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:46,160 The antikythera is an extraordinary device. Look at it. 202 00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:48,400 That's Ancient Greek. 203 00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:50,080 Do you know what it can tell you? 204 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:53,760 It can determine the course of the sun, the moon and the known planets. 205 00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:56,520 When you enter the date it calculated the positions. 206 00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:59,360 An achievement made all the more remarkable by the fact 207 00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:03,680 that they believed the solar system was geocentric rather than solar-centric. 208 00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:06,920 Stephen, you've been watching QVC again. It does look like it. 209 00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:09,400 It does look like something you would get on there. 210 00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:11,840 It subdivided the year into 365 days, 211 00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:14,600 including a leap year every fourth year, 212 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,320 it was able to predict eclipses of the moon and the sun, 213 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,960 as well as the appearance of the zodiac signs in the sky. 214 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:24,480 And this is from the Greeks? The Ancient Greeks, around 180 BC. 215 00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:29,080 It kept track of the Olympic Games, which year was an Olympic year. Discovered by sponge divers? 216 00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:34,400 Don't you find it odd that there's just as much water where sponges grow as there is anywhere else? 217 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:38,320 That is odd. 218 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:41,600 You weren't a guest on that particular show, it was an early QI. 219 00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:45,000 Do you know a peculiar property of sponges? No. It is amazing. 220 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:48,560 You put a sponge in a liquidiser, it will obviously turn into a 221 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:53,360 hideous coloured mess and then settle down, it will 222 00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:55,320 reassemble itself into a sponge. 223 00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:57,720 But, more amazingly, put two sponges in, 224 00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:01,400 and it will settle itself into its two original sponge shapes. 225 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:04,440 So they're essentially like Terminators? 226 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:06,440 Exactly, exactly, 227 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:08,880 but Terminator 2. 228 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,120 It's evil, isn't it? Definitely evil. 229 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:15,000 We should definitely, I think, destroy all sponges, shouldn't we? 230 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:19,480 That's only natural sponge, not the one you get at Halfords? No, no. 231 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:22,680 So it's proper real sponge, like the Body Shop sort of sponge. 232 00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:23,720 Yes, that kind. 233 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,720 I'm going to do that as soon as I get home. 234 00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:28,960 I think they have to be alive. The dried-out ones won't count. 235 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:30,520 So where would I go to get a sponge? 236 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:35,560 The Adriatic for the Aegean Sea would be a good place. Well, what time is it now? 237 00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:39,160 There's your problem. They'd probably pay you to go to Greece, given their economy. 238 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:43,120 So had the sponges stolen that clock? 239 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:45,720 What where they are doing with it? 240 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:50,000 Well, I think it had been dropped off a ship, it was undersea. 241 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:55,480 If they've got these powers, we don't need them to have access to our technology as well. 242 00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:58,960 You said the divers found that. Sorry, I genuinely thought you 243 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:04,760 said they were kind of creating that from the sponges... No! 244 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:09,440 I've been sitting here going, "How the hell did they do that?" 245 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:16,280 What, you thought in Ancient Greece, the greatest timekeeping technology was possessed by the sponge divers? 246 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:18,720 Well, that's how it appeared to me over here. 247 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:23,360 But moving on to more modern timekeeping pieces, there was 248 00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:29,760 a recent discovery, or invention, I suppose you would call it, of the most accurate clock yet devised. 249 00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:33,400 Is it the atomic... It's a new optical clock, accurate 250 00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:39,000 to one second in 3.7 billion years, but what is the point of having an incredibly accurate clock? 251 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:43,760 You'd have to know when SpongeBob Square Pants is going to start. 252 00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:47,200 There are some ready meals that you need to time exactly. Yeah. 253 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,200 Well, how does GPS work? 254 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:51,640 I don't know. Satellite, various satellites. 255 00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:55,080 You send a signal from your GPS device, there have got to be at the 256 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:58,920 least three, usually four or five satellites that receive your signal, 257 00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:04,160 and the difference in time it takes to get from one satellite to the other and the other, 258 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:10,120 which is milliseconds, allows them to calculate your position to within ten metres. 259 00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:12,560 So they built this clock so your TomTom will work. 260 00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:15,920 No, this one you'd be within a metre, if not less. 261 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:20,880 You would be able to have aeroplanes landing without humans, traffic on 262 00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:24,400 motorways without humans driving, because it's so accurate. 263 00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:29,760 Any transaction over the internet uses what's called packet switching, which means that the information 264 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:32,560 is broken up into packets and they're reassembled 265 00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:37,760 at the other side, but each side has to be exactly synchronised, otherwise the message is nonsense. 266 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:41,600 So the caesium atomic clocks are not just for, "Gosh, look how accurate," 267 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:46,040 but it's in order to make all this technology work. That's rather pleasing, isn't it? 268 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:47,680 I preferred it when it was more relaxed. 269 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:50,760 Who was the king that had Sandringham time, was it Edward VII? 270 00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:54,840 All the clocks were set half an hour earlier, so that everybody got up for hunting. 271 00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:57,880 I read this once and I thought, "What a marvellous idea." 272 00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:02,320 On New Year's Eve, for years, I used to reset the clocks during the day. 273 00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:06,280 At nine o'clock, it look like it was midnight, and I'd say to the children, 274 00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:09,840 "You've stayed up, isn't it marvellous? Well done." 275 00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:14,880 And put them to bed. It was fantastic. 276 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:18,840 Yes. There's accurate time and there's Bergsonian internal time, 277 00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:24,800 which is the time in which things can seem to take a lifetime in your own head, and things can go fast. 278 00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:28,240 Don't they say that the amount of time that something seems to take 279 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:31,200 is in terms of a percentage of how long you've been alive? 280 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,000 Time speeds up, the older you get. 281 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:37,040 I had an aunt in her 90s and she'd say, "It CAN'T be breakfast again." 282 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:41,000 She was astonished by the idea. 283 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:50,400 The Queen Mother, everything after 1964 was just a sort of blur. 284 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:53,960 She must have thought, "My horses are definitely getting quicker." 285 00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:58,640 It was an ancient British clock, one of the ways we told the time 286 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:02,400 when being accurate to a billionth of a second didn't seem so important. 287 00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:05,840 Talking of time, it's time for a picture round. 288 00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:09,920 Here's a very famous image, so you can bank a few points. 289 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:11,600 How was it made, what is it? 290 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:15,400 It's not a tapestry. You've learnt. Firstly, it wasn't made in Bayeux. 291 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:19,320 Bayeux is in France, this was probably in Kent. Do we know who by? 292 00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:25,800 The Normans commissioned it, but sort of Saxon embroiderer ladies did it. 293 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:28,080 Yes, absolutely right. 294 00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:31,560 It's one example of why women's history has completely disappeared, 295 00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:35,040 because women tended to make things like this phenomenal piece of work, 296 00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:37,680 but they didn't sign it. So we don't know the names. 297 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:42,720 We know the name of the man who commissioned it, but we don't know the names of the women who made it. 298 00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:46,920 The lack of signature is one of the reasons why women's history has disappeared. 299 00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:51,560 It's remarkable. You're right to say it's an embroidery, It's absolutely not a tapestry. 300 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:56,320 A tapestry is all one material with the different colours woven in at the weaving stage. 301 00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:59,920 This is a woven piece of cloth that is then embroidered. 302 00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:04,720 It's so typical. The women do all this embroidery and the man goes, "Nice tapestry." I know. 303 00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:07,720 It's very absurd. "Couldn't make us a cup of tea, could you?" 304 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,400 "My hands are raw." 305 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:18,520 Is the word "tapestry" named after the Bayeux tapestry but they decided to make it mean something... 306 00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:22,840 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 307 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:27,720 Can you tell the British from the French in that picture? 308 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:31,760 Are the British the four-legged ones at the top? 309 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:34,280 I should say English rather than British. 310 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:37,000 The English would be the ones not on horses. 311 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:40,120 That's pretty much true. The other giveaway is moustaches. 312 00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:43,080 Some English fighters were on horses. But the British... 313 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:45,720 The English - I'm allowed to say English, I'm unused 314 00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:48,080 to saying English - had the moustaches. 315 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:49,840 Harold's housecarls, 316 00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:54,240 plus they tended to have battle-axes rather than the lances and things. 317 00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:56,960 Great comedy hats. They're rather extraordinary. 318 00:18:56,960 --> 00:19:01,040 They're like party hats, they've got a bit of elastic under the chin. 319 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:07,000 It was done by the same person that did Mr Benn. It's a very similar style, isn't it? Yes. 320 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:10,520 "Suddenly the shopkeeper appeared." I wonder if they are specific blokes 321 00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:12,760 that the women doing the embroidery knew. 322 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,560 "Who you doing?" "I'm doing Reg." 323 00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:21,200 "Look at the way he held his axe. He was lovely before they cut him to bits." 324 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:26,080 Their mail, their suits of reinforced defensive clothing, 325 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:28,680 Harald Hardrada had a long one which apparently 326 00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:31,800 couldn't be penetrated by a spear and was known as Emma. 327 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:35,560 Was that based on a particularly aloof woman who couldn't be penetrated? 328 00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:39,480 APPLAUSE 329 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:44,280 One's bound to wonder. 330 00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:47,760 I didn't know until someone told me this recently 331 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:49,880 that quite a lot of the names that we use, 332 00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:52,560 or Christian names, we call them, 333 00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:57,080 came from the Normans and that invasion. They completely changed the country. 334 00:19:57,080 --> 00:20:00,080 Yes, including William, and the first few kings. 335 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,480 John, Richard. Robert, lots of them. 336 00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:07,600 Is it not when we start to change the language completely, is it not when we get beef instead of cow? 337 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:11,400 Because we had two words each time, exactly. We could use the English 338 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:15,960 word for the animal, cow, and the French word, boeuf, for the food. 339 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:20,640 The British word sheep, and mouton, mutton, can become what you eat. 340 00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:24,080 You eat the mouton, you eat the beef, but the animal is the cow. 341 00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:27,480 But why? The Saxons herded them and knew them as animals, 342 00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:30,440 and the Normans just feasted and ate them because they 343 00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:33,160 were the upper class, so would use their word for it. 344 00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:36,520 The only time they saw a cow was when it was on a plate in front of them. 345 00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:39,760 Quite a lot of what we know about the Bayeux Tapestry, 346 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:43,280 we don't know, because it's not from Bayeux and it isn't a tapestry. 347 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:46,640 But how can you tell which one Harold is in the Bayeux tapestry 348 00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:48,760 that's not a tapestry or from Bayeux? 349 00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:53,880 Isn't there a bit of a dispute about whether he's the one with the arrow in his eye, or someone else? 350 00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:58,640 Is it like on Facebook, when you run the cursor over it, you get tagged. 351 00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:02,520 And it says, "You are also in this photo," 352 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:04,320 and it'll have the other people. 353 00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:05,920 It's not dissimilar. 354 00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:08,160 There are three tags, all meaning him. 355 00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:14,080 "Harold Rex interfectus est," which means Harold the King is killed. 356 00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:17,800 They tell the story narratively from left to right. 357 00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:21,280 They could all be Harold, or only one of them could be Harold. 358 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:24,720 It's impossible to tell. We don't know that he'd an arrow in his eye. 359 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:26,320 It's a much later story. 360 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:30,360 So is it like a cartoon? Like one of those books you used to flick. 361 00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:33,840 Exactly. Although not successful in embroidery, I think. No... 362 00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:35,880 It's a cross between that and Where's Wally? 363 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:38,440 Yes, there's a hint... A hint of Where's Wally? 364 00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:41,760 So the one with the blue shield, he's got an arrow in his eye... 365 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:44,520 He has. People have always ASSUMED that was Harold. 366 00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:49,440 So if it's a journey, it's, "Got an arrow in my eye, I'll just get on this horse for a rest..." 367 00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:54,000 Continuity! "Where's my shield?" ..and then the horse has disappeared! "I'm dying." 368 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:57,000 And they've cut his head off on the right... Yeah. 369 00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:58,640 I can't see the arrow in the eye. 370 00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:02,480 It's not come out very well. I blame bad embroidery. 371 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:05,000 You can see him holding the end of it... 372 00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:09,440 He can't have been that ill though, because he seems to have had time to change his socks. 373 00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:12,000 It probably is... "I'm dying, get the death socks!" 374 00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:13,800 LAUGHTER 375 00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:19,160 Stephen, can I point out... Can I give the seal of approval to his wonderfully LONG socks? 376 00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:21,360 LAUGHTER 377 00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:22,880 Rob Long-Socks(!) 378 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:26,000 APPLAUSE Oh, dear... They are long. 379 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:30,240 Yes - it's probable that it's NOT the same person repeated. 380 00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:32,640 The other theory is that he's only one of those 381 00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:36,000 and maybe he's the LAST one - under the horse, almost, 382 00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:40,040 cos that's where "interfectus est" - "is killed"... The point is, we just don't know. 383 00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:43,640 That's good. So we know how we spot the Englishmen, by their moustaches, 384 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:46,320 the Bayeux Tapestry isn't a tapestry - isn't from Bayeux - 385 00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:49,800 and you shouldn't believe anyone who tells you they know HOW Harold died. 386 00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:52,520 However, you CAN spot the Englishmen by their moustaches. 387 00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:56,320 Could you give us your impression of the average World War II British... 388 00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:57,680 LAUGHTER 389 00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:02,560 Oh, dear. ..the average British World War II fighter pilot? 390 00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:04,200 You look hilarious on the end! 391 00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:06,320 LAUGHTER 392 00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:12,000 That is a character... 393 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:15,480 Someone has got to write a sitcom around David Mitchell's character. 394 00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:22,840 You look like you're posing with a very successful team of kind of...novelty Air Force - 395 00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:27,040 you've just agreed to have your photograph taken with them, for your birthday. 396 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:32,360 I know you're not, but if they'd invented gaydar instead of radar... 397 00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:33,760 LAUGHTER 398 00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:36,720 ..I'm sorry to say that would mark high. 399 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:38,120 LAUGHTER 400 00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:43,640 "I'm ordering these helmets for my wife's birthday..." 401 00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:49,200 I think in this war film, I think I die about two-thirds of the way through. 402 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:53,200 It breaks the heart of the audience - and inspires the hero. 403 00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:56,840 Everyone goes and kills a load of Germans as revenge for my death. 404 00:23:56,840 --> 00:24:03,320 And I'm the old First World War hero with a gammy leg who runs and watches them come back, and cries... 405 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:06,920 I don't think Alan dies. I think you make it through. I think I die. 406 00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:10,440 You THINK I'm going to live, and then right near the end, I die. 407 00:24:10,440 --> 00:24:15,040 Like Von Ryan's Express - as I'm running towards the train, I get shot at the end. 408 00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:20,480 I'm the plucky woman who was just supposed to do the radio, who's been forced to fly one of the planes. 409 00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:22,760 You look as if you could, with your sergeant stripes. 410 00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:26,840 I look rather fine. But how did the pilot talk? That's the thing. 411 00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:28,680 Erm... ROB: Er... 412 00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:31,760 HE HOLDS HIS NOSE AND MAKES DISTORTED WORDS 413 00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:36,680 ..we've got a lovely team today who will be furnishing you with the easyKiosk... 414 00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:38,280 LAUGHTER 415 00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:41,600 Scratchcards... Minstrels... 416 00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:43,520 "Clean up in aisle three." Yes. 417 00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:45,920 LAUGHTER 418 00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:48,000 But what sort of people? Well... 419 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:51,480 What sort of PEOPLE? Yes. Quite posh... 420 00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:54,080 KLAXON 421 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:56,680 I think you'll find you're wrong. LAUGHTER 422 00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:59,000 That's the odd thing - they so weren't. 423 00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:03,280 Only 30% of all British fighter pilots in the Battle of Britain went to public school. 424 00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:06,200 And of that 30%, they were mostly MINOR public schools, 425 00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:09,920 and of the Eton, Harrow, Winchester or the top 13, there was only 8%. 426 00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:13,400 Just the actors that played them were posh, then? That's the point! 427 00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:15,320 In the war films during and after the war - 428 00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:18,880 your Kenneth Mores and your David Nivens and so on - they spoke like that. 429 00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:22,600 Did the Germans know we were sending up the lower classes(?) 430 00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:24,960 LAUGHTER 431 00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:30,280 SHE MIMICS A GERMAN "Here comes someone who has got no manners vatsoever!" 432 00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:32,440 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 433 00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:40,960 But there's your Richard Todd on the left, who's playing... 434 00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:43,280 "Your actual" Richard Todd. ..Guy Gibson I think, 435 00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:47,360 and there's David Niven from A Matter Of Life And Death, by the look of it. 436 00:25:47,360 --> 00:25:50,680 And that's how people thought of them, with the moustache and... 437 00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:53,120 I mean, 30% of them having gone to public school 438 00:25:53,120 --> 00:25:55,120 is more than the percentage of the population. 439 00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:58,960 Yes, you're absolutely right... So they're a bit posher than... 440 00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:01,200 But "posh" IS the first word that comes to mind - 441 00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:05,200 when 70% were state educated, not privately educated. 442 00:26:05,200 --> 00:26:08,120 But they didn't speak like Jordan or something, did they? 443 00:26:08,120 --> 00:26:10,720 LAUGHTER No, nobody did then. No. 444 00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:14,080 ROB MIMICS JORDAN "There's no way we're gonna drop the bombs 445 00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:15,400 "over that lot!" LAUGHTER 446 00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:17,840 "It's a real bloody mess dahn there!" 447 00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:20,400 LAUGHTER "Right, let 'em go... 448 00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:22,120 "Look at that!" 449 00:26:22,120 --> 00:26:23,520 LAUGHTER 450 00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:27,240 APPLAUSE Oh, dear... 451 00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:37,240 20% of all the pilots were in fact not even British... 452 00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:41,640 Polish? Quite a few were Polish and Czechoslovakian, but also from 453 00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:44,160 the Dominions, the Empire and the Commonwealth. 454 00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:48,640 Canada and New Zealand and Australia particularly of course. And South Africa also. 455 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:52,480 There's one sitting on the plane at the end there, he's obviously hoping for a ride. 456 00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:54,520 LAUGHTER 457 00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:56,120 "Is this right...? 458 00:26:56,120 --> 00:26:59,120 "Is this where you go?" "I'M ready!" 459 00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:02,200 "I find you get a better view from here..." 460 00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:07,480 What about modern pilots? Is it any advantage for THEM to posh up their accents? 461 00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:12,560 Yes - isn't it something that it's more reassuring for people? Yeah... 462 00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:14,520 The classic British Airways pilot is... 463 00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:16,560 CLIPPED, POSH VOICE: "Welcome aboard..." 464 00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:18,920 Nowadays, you've got your Virgin, Buzz and Go, 465 00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:21,920 and those guys sound like they're on Radio Top Shop... They do! 466 00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:23,640 LAUGHTER 467 00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:25,560 DJ VOICE: "Good morning to you, ladies, 468 00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:28,120 "gonna get this little baby airborne soon as I can... 469 00:27:28,120 --> 00:27:31,000 "First of all, check out Lily Allen." LAUGHTER 470 00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:33,840 And they tell you the Christian names of the other... 471 00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:36,000 Why?! You don't need to know that. 472 00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:39,120 I was on a British Airways flight about six weeks after 9/11, 473 00:27:39,120 --> 00:27:42,160 and everybody was a little bit tense about flying out of New York - 474 00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:45,280 and tragically, the plane directly in front of us took off and crashed. 475 00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:48,840 I don't know if you remember, it was a flight going to the Dominican Republic. 476 00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:55,200 Anyway, we all deplaned...and after about 12 hours we were allowed back 477 00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:58,880 on to the flight. Anyway, the pilot came on and he said, 478 00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:03,000 "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is the delayed flight to London. 479 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:05,240 "I know many of you are seasoned travellers and 480 00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:08,600 "probably don't watch the safety briefing, but perhaps today..." 481 00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:09,840 LAUGHTER 482 00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:17,560 Usually Australians get it right - 483 00:28:17,560 --> 00:28:21,920 I was on an Ansett flight from Perth to Adelaide, and he started off by saying 484 00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:24,880 "We're on our way to Adelaide. If Adelaide is not your 485 00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:28,720 "final destination, now would be an ideal time to deplane." 486 00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:32,520 He started talking about the safety, then "But that's enough yakety-yak from me. 487 00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:37,840 "It's time to push some service down the aisles and some scenery past the window." 488 00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:39,160 LAUGHTER 489 00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:43,640 I thought that was very good. Australians are good at that kind of thing. 490 00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:46,000 Now, accents... You're absolutely right, people 491 00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:50,560 do like what they consider to be an authoritative and reassuring voice from a pilot. 492 00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:53,760 72% of people interviewed felt at ease if a pilot had a WHAT accent? 493 00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:57,400 People like Scottish accents... Right. Edinburgh in particular. 494 00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:00,640 HE TALKS LIKE BILLY CONNOLLY "I don't think THAT would be very good..." 495 00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:03,160 But a nice, respectable Edinburgh would make you feel... 496 00:29:03,160 --> 00:29:05,600 Miss Jean Brodie. That's right. That would be fine. 497 00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:07,880 You could sit down on the plane, hear "Ding-dong..." 498 00:29:07,880 --> 00:29:11,520 HE MIMICS RONNIE CORBETT "Ha-ha... This is not the one about the aeroplane..." 499 00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:12,880 LAUGHTER 500 00:29:12,880 --> 00:29:15,440 "that crashes in the river, it's not that one..." 501 00:29:15,440 --> 00:29:16,960 What about a Geordie accent? 502 00:29:16,960 --> 00:29:20,880 65% of people said a Geordie accent would make them feel more or less comfortable? 503 00:29:20,880 --> 00:29:22,480 He can serve the drinks. 504 00:29:22,480 --> 00:29:25,960 "He can serve the drinks"?! Ooh... 505 00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:28,720 I don't want him flying the plane. Well, funnily enough... 506 00:29:28,720 --> 00:29:34,120 Very friendly... But they're likely to be chatting too much and then they'll just crash into earth. 507 00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:36,920 ..65% said they don't mind a Geordie, they'd like a Geordie. 508 00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:39,120 Very popular for a call centre. 509 00:29:39,120 --> 00:29:42,600 What about Brummie? 76% said they would or wouldn't... ROB: Oh, no. 510 00:29:42,600 --> 00:29:45,400 I'm afraid to say that they would NOT like... 511 00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:48,880 It's easy to sort of think, "Sounds like a victim..." You know. 512 00:29:48,880 --> 00:29:52,720 "Doesn't sound incompetent - sounds unfortunate." 513 00:29:52,720 --> 00:29:54,360 LAUGHTER 514 00:29:54,360 --> 00:29:57,480 And I think... I don't want a skilled pilot, I want a lucky pilot(!) 515 00:29:57,480 --> 00:30:02,920 Exactly! The posh voice... Could be an idiot, but he's lucked his way through life. 516 00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:04,480 LAUGHTER 517 00:30:05,520 --> 00:30:10,240 Then he screws all the stewardesses, and his wife never finds out... 518 00:30:10,240 --> 00:30:12,760 Yeah, I want HIM flying. LAUGHTER 519 00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:17,440 And 83% of men and women polled said they'd be more likely to trust a male or a female pilot? 520 00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:18,960 Oh, male. Must be. Male. 521 00:30:18,960 --> 00:30:20,760 I'm afraid so. Yeah. I'm sorry to say. 522 00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:23,640 There we are. So that's your flying done for the moment. 523 00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:28,400 Despite the stereotype of the Battle of Britain pilots being posh young chaps fresh from the better 524 00:30:28,400 --> 00:30:32,000 public schools and varsities, the great majority were in fact state educated. 525 00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:34,880 Now we're engaged in mortal combat... 526 00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:38,040 perhaps you can tell me which side Yorkshire was on 527 00:30:38,040 --> 00:30:41,600 in the Wars of the Roses? Well, it's the white rose, is Yorkshire. 528 00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:47,120 It's not the counties though, is it, it's just the er...the royal houses. 529 00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:53,000 That's the point exactly. Yorkshire had no more to do with the House of York than Kent or Norfolk. 530 00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:55,440 It's the Duke of York versus the Duke of Lancaster. 531 00:30:55,440 --> 00:31:00,200 Yes, exactly. The point is that most people who lived in Yorkshire where Lancastrians, in fact. 532 00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:02,960 They favoured the Lancastrian cause. 533 00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:07,480 But now of course, people in Yorkshire very much associate with the white rose and the Yorkists. 534 00:31:07,480 --> 00:31:10,600 Well - because it's become a symbol of the county, and the cricket match 535 00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:13,840 between the two counties is known as the Roses Match and so on. 536 00:31:13,840 --> 00:31:15,880 There are other things called "Yorkshire" 537 00:31:15,880 --> 00:31:18,920 that aren't particularly Yorkshire, can you think of one? Pudding? 538 00:31:18,920 --> 00:31:23,480 Yorkshire pudding is not a thing that was invented in Yorkshire - although people in Yorkshire... 539 00:31:23,480 --> 00:31:26,520 Hello? Oh, yes - this was really annoying. 540 00:31:26,520 --> 00:31:30,720 They're trying to say that - like you can't make... 541 00:31:30,720 --> 00:31:35,280 you know, champagne outside the Champagne region or Stilton outside a certain region - 542 00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:39,200 that you wouldn't be allowed to make something and call it a Yorkshire pudding 543 00:31:39,200 --> 00:31:42,080 outside Yorkshire... 544 00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:46,560 Which is basically entirely an idea cooked up by people who 545 00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:49,200 manufacture those horrible frozen Yorkshire puddings. 546 00:31:49,200 --> 00:31:50,840 You're right to be angry. 547 00:31:50,840 --> 00:31:55,480 Yes, it's called a protective designation of origin - a PDO - 548 00:31:55,480 --> 00:32:01,320 and champagne as you say has it, and Parma ham... You can't call it Parma ham unless it comes from Parma. 549 00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:05,800 But making Yorkshire pudding one of those would be like making a SANDWICH one of them. 550 00:32:05,800 --> 00:32:08,000 Yes, you had to come from Sandwich in Kent... 551 00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:13,040 You had to go to Marks & Spencer's in Sandwich, for the authentic sandwich. 552 00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:18,480 Give me some other British PDO-protected foods. There's one I think... I think Stilton is one. 553 00:32:18,480 --> 00:32:22,040 Where must it come from? It CAN'T come, for example, from Stilton. 554 00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:25,480 No, that's quite right. The town of Stilton - the cheese is named after it 555 00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:29,400 because that's where the cheese was sold, not where it was manufactured. 556 00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:34,480 So the designated area that you make it in was bits of Leicestershire, I don't know... 557 00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:37,840 Anyway, Stilton's not in it. Mostly round the Melton Mowbray area. 558 00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:39,880 What about pork pies? Melton Mowbray pork pies. 559 00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:43,480 I guess you can't call it a "Melton Mowbray" pork pie. I don't know if it's a PDO. 560 00:32:43,480 --> 00:32:47,520 Did you know the chairman of the Pork Pie Association is vegetarian? 561 00:32:47,520 --> 00:32:49,160 LAUGHTER 562 00:32:49,160 --> 00:32:51,520 I didn't know that. Yes, I interviewed him. 563 00:32:51,520 --> 00:32:53,880 He brought pork pies for us to try, and I said, 564 00:32:53,880 --> 00:32:58,080 "Go on then, tuck in." And he said, "No, thanks very much, I'm vegetarian. 565 00:32:58,080 --> 00:33:01,280 LAUGHTER That's very peculiar. Yeah, it's weird. 566 00:33:01,280 --> 00:33:02,400 What... What?! 567 00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:03,480 LAUGHTER 568 00:33:03,480 --> 00:33:05,520 He's angry now! 569 00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:09,480 No, I am absolutely... Surely... What's this man DONE with his life?! 570 00:33:09,480 --> 00:33:11,440 LAUGHTER 571 00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:14,360 You can't on the one hand say it's wrong to eat animals, and then 572 00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:18,680 dedicate your professional life to the marketing of ground-up pig. 573 00:33:18,680 --> 00:33:20,160 LAUGHTER 574 00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:26,920 You've got a point! It's just a sort of pacifist... nuclear weapons manufacturer! 575 00:33:28,360 --> 00:33:32,840 Not all vegetarians are vegetarians because they don't agree with the slaughtering of animals - 576 00:33:32,840 --> 00:33:34,520 some just don't like the taste. 577 00:33:34,520 --> 00:33:38,800 Maybe he thought it was a job of being chairman of pork pie hats... 578 00:33:38,800 --> 00:33:41,560 Yes. Or of lying... 579 00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:45,680 Or of lying. Yes, telling porkies. He thought he was being a spy. 580 00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:47,880 "I'm going to tell porkies! Tell pork pies." 581 00:33:47,880 --> 00:33:51,520 "I'm going to destroy the pork pie business from the inside." 582 00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:52,800 LAUGHTER 583 00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:57,520 Well, there you are. The fact is more Yorkshire folk supported the Lancastrians than the Yorkists. 584 00:33:57,520 --> 00:33:59,800 Scotch whisky! Thank you. 585 00:33:59,800 --> 00:34:01,400 LAUGHTER 586 00:34:01,400 --> 00:34:04,880 The question will no doubt... 587 00:34:04,880 --> 00:34:06,160 DAVID: Any minute now. Yeah. 588 00:34:06,160 --> 00:34:10,280 On the subject of making a bit of noise, what might you use these for? 589 00:34:10,280 --> 00:34:12,720 Oh, those are fantastic. Aren't they great? 590 00:34:12,720 --> 00:34:17,160 If they're mobile, they look like giant tubas... 591 00:34:17,160 --> 00:34:22,320 Tubas is a word that was used, they were called war tubas... Sirens? Air raid warnings? No. 592 00:34:22,320 --> 00:34:24,000 Is it an over-large hearing aid? 593 00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:26,520 Yes. What?! Yes. 594 00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:27,840 LAUGHTER 595 00:34:30,040 --> 00:34:32,040 APPLAUSE 596 00:34:32,040 --> 00:34:35,360 Was it for hearing enemy aircraft? It's like an ear trumpet. 597 00:34:35,360 --> 00:34:39,240 You can hear enemy aircraft coming towards you. And by setting the angles, 598 00:34:39,240 --> 00:34:42,520 they could determine not just the distance but the direction. 599 00:34:42,520 --> 00:34:46,640 Wheel it down to Dover, you can hear 'em in France. That's the idea - like sound mirrors. 600 00:34:46,640 --> 00:34:51,320 They had sound mirrors as well, which were largely made of metal but usually of concrete. 601 00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:56,640 These are Japanese, as it happens. The Japanese used them to detect aircraft coming in. 602 00:34:56,640 --> 00:34:58,800 We had nothing quite as enormous as that, 603 00:34:58,800 --> 00:35:02,760 but there have been yokes you put on your shoulders... Look at that. 604 00:35:02,760 --> 00:35:07,000 And it's extraordinary how much they did give you a slight advantage. 605 00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:11,280 Well, it looks silly, but I find myself more and more, as I enter my 30s now... 606 00:35:11,280 --> 00:35:12,840 LAUGHTER 607 00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:14,680 ..doing that. Yes. 608 00:35:14,680 --> 00:35:18,040 And it makes a hell of a difference. ..Take them away, David. 609 00:35:18,040 --> 00:35:20,480 Now - hello, Da... Not yet! LAUGHTER 610 00:35:20,480 --> 00:35:23,280 Hello, David, it's lovely to see you. Now try them. 611 00:35:23,280 --> 00:35:25,480 Sorry, what...? LAUGHTER 612 00:35:25,480 --> 00:35:27,920 Put them there. OK, yeah... 613 00:35:29,200 --> 00:35:30,520 Hello, David... Ouch! 614 00:35:30,520 --> 00:35:32,560 LAUGHTER 615 00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:37,080 You see? Practical proof. He's misunderstanding for comic effect, but it's...it's true. 616 00:35:37,080 --> 00:35:38,600 LAUGHTER 617 00:35:38,600 --> 00:35:42,160 Hello, David, lovely to see you... It does quite genuinely work. 618 00:35:42,160 --> 00:35:44,840 ALAN: It makes it sound different. 619 00:35:44,840 --> 00:35:48,840 ROB: It sounds much better. If you do it... Now, that's very disorienting. 620 00:35:48,840 --> 00:35:53,000 That's quite nice. And when you talk to yourself with them, you almost fall over. 621 00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:57,600 So don't talk to yourself like this. Also, you look like an idiot. Yeah... 622 00:35:57,600 --> 00:36:00,160 I feel like I'm in front of myself. ROB: Yes... 623 00:36:00,160 --> 00:36:03,400 I think what's nice is it also has a nice warming effect on the ears. 624 00:36:03,400 --> 00:36:04,960 LAUGHTER 625 00:36:04,960 --> 00:36:07,080 It's really a win-win-win-win-win, isn't it? 626 00:36:07,080 --> 00:36:08,840 Yes, I find it very comforting. 627 00:36:08,840 --> 00:36:12,800 And also it means you can't hear all the horrible things people behind me are saying. 628 00:36:12,800 --> 00:36:15,360 You'd have to reverse it, like that... 629 00:36:15,360 --> 00:36:18,560 Shut up, shut up, shut up! LAUGHTER 630 00:36:18,560 --> 00:36:20,080 Oh, you bitch! 631 00:36:20,080 --> 00:36:21,760 LAUGHTER 632 00:36:21,760 --> 00:36:25,720 Miaow! Get back in the knife drawer, Mrs Sharp! 633 00:36:25,720 --> 00:36:28,120 Perhaps the really clever thing is the fact that you can 634 00:36:28,120 --> 00:36:33,000 get the range and elevation from the slight difference in time, like what we were saying about clocks. 635 00:36:33,000 --> 00:36:34,640 Our own ears receive the same sound, 636 00:36:34,640 --> 00:36:38,440 but at slightly different times, cos one is nearer than the other. 637 00:36:38,440 --> 00:36:41,240 I mean, it's minuscule. It's enough for the brain to process it 638 00:36:41,240 --> 00:36:43,760 and know that the sound is coming from there, not there. 639 00:36:43,760 --> 00:36:47,360 And some animals, like the barn owl, have this to an extraordinary degree. 640 00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:53,440 Their ears are actually inside a kind of sound dish - that's what the round shape is in the owl's face - 641 00:36:53,440 --> 00:36:56,600 and they've got one high, looking down, and one low, looking up, 642 00:36:56,600 --> 00:36:59,800 and they're able therefore to tell with extraordinary precision 643 00:36:59,800 --> 00:37:02,280 from something they hear, exactly where it is. 644 00:37:02,280 --> 00:37:05,480 So nature, as always, gets there first. 645 00:37:05,480 --> 00:37:08,160 So - yes, Japanese war tubas were mobile acoustic locators 646 00:37:08,160 --> 00:37:10,880 that helped to find enemy aircraft in the days before radar. 647 00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:17,560 And so time's winged chariot glides us gracefully towards the crack of doom that is General Ignorance, 648 00:37:17,560 --> 00:37:20,920 or in this case Generals Ignorant - because let's see what we really 649 00:37:20,920 --> 00:37:25,000 know about some of the greatest military leaders from history. Fingers on buzzers. 650 00:37:25,000 --> 00:37:31,720 What animals did the Carthaginian general Hannibal use to defeat King Eumenes of Pergamon in 184BC... 651 00:37:31,720 --> 00:37:34,720 MELLOW NAUTICAL MELODY Elephants. Oh... 652 00:37:34,720 --> 00:37:37,800 KLAXON 653 00:37:37,800 --> 00:37:42,080 "..did he use to defeat WHO?" King Eumenes of Pergamon. 654 00:37:42,080 --> 00:37:44,240 Right... Him! Him, there he is. 655 00:37:44,240 --> 00:37:46,320 Is he defeated(?) Horses? 656 00:37:46,320 --> 00:37:48,400 Tigers, lions, leopards, mice... 657 00:37:48,400 --> 00:37:50,480 Bacteria. Birds, eagles... LAUGHTER 658 00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:51,920 Snakes! 659 00:37:51,920 --> 00:37:56,120 Snakes... I don't think of that as an animal, really. 660 00:37:56,120 --> 00:37:59,680 He put them in earthenware pots, threw them at the enemy and onto their ships. 661 00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:05,040 Really? What a great idea. Snakes On A Plane, almost the first example of it. 662 00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:07,720 How did Snakes On A Plane come about...? Do you know? 663 00:38:07,720 --> 00:38:10,600 ROB: Snakes On A Plane? Yes, the film. 664 00:38:10,600 --> 00:38:12,680 People had more money than sense, and er... 665 00:38:12,680 --> 00:38:15,200 LAUGHTER Maybe... 666 00:38:16,160 --> 00:38:21,240 Supposedly a group of scriptwriters were trying to think up the stupidest names - like a pub game - 667 00:38:21,240 --> 00:38:26,040 and someone said, "Snakes On A Plane!" and they said, "Do you know, that's so crap, it's good." 668 00:38:26,040 --> 00:38:29,880 It would be scary to be on a plane with lots of snakes, though. 669 00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:32,400 I liked the film... Is it good? Quite scary. 670 00:38:32,400 --> 00:38:34,840 The key would be whether the plot that leads to the snakes 671 00:38:34,840 --> 00:38:36,640 being on the plane is believable or not. 672 00:38:36,640 --> 00:38:38,920 Well, they get out of a thing in the hold. 673 00:38:38,920 --> 00:38:41,440 Oh, well, that sounds all right to me. Yes! 674 00:38:41,440 --> 00:38:46,000 And they're snakes, so they can get through tiny cracks. They come up the loo! Oh...! 675 00:38:46,000 --> 00:38:48,640 Ooh... Anyway. Yes... LAUGHTER 676 00:38:48,640 --> 00:38:53,680 Hannibal defeated the Pergamese by bombing them with pots full of snakes. 677 00:38:53,680 --> 00:38:56,760 Now, who succeeded Harold as King of England in 1066? 678 00:38:56,760 --> 00:39:01,480 Is there a trick to it? No - it's just you need to name the person who succeeded Harold 679 00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:04,560 as King in 1066.... DAVID: Don't trust him! 680 00:39:04,560 --> 00:39:09,280 The trick is to know the answer. I don't trust you. At all. 681 00:39:09,280 --> 00:39:11,120 Is it the bastard, then? 682 00:39:11,120 --> 00:39:13,200 Who's the bastard? Oh, dear... 683 00:39:13,200 --> 00:39:16,680 KLAXON See? You see?! 684 00:39:16,680 --> 00:39:20,840 It wasn't a trick. Did England cease to exist in some way, or was it changed in name? 685 00:39:20,840 --> 00:39:26,120 There was another Saxon claimant who was nominally king for 45 seconds, or something... 686 00:39:26,120 --> 00:39:28,000 Well - for a few months, yes. Yes. 687 00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:29,880 Edgar Atheling. ROB: Ah. 688 00:39:29,880 --> 00:39:35,640 And er, he was 15 years old. But Saxon kings were... 689 00:39:35,640 --> 00:39:39,040 How did you become a king if you were a Saxon? Did you have to be nominated? 690 00:39:39,040 --> 00:39:43,640 You had to be from one of the five or six families... and then you'd be elected. 691 00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:47,760 By what, by votes? They would vote for you? Yes. 692 00:39:47,760 --> 00:39:51,360 Edgar the Aetheling. 15 years old. But of course William had won the battle, 693 00:39:51,360 --> 00:39:56,080 and so he came after him and he tried to fight - he couldn't raise an army, he went abroad... 694 00:39:56,080 --> 00:40:00,320 He didn't lead a very successful life. He was 15, so he wouldn't have been able to do anything. 695 00:40:00,320 --> 00:40:03,720 Edgar the Aetheling WAS proclaimed king after the death of Harold, 696 00:40:03,720 --> 00:40:06,200 and reigned for two months before William was crowned. 697 00:40:06,200 --> 00:40:08,760 Why did Julius Caesar wear a laurel wreath? 698 00:40:08,760 --> 00:40:11,400 GRANDIOSE FANFARE Was it because he was bald? 699 00:40:11,400 --> 00:40:15,800 Yes, is the right answer, absolutely right. He was very vain. 700 00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:20,160 According to Suetonius, his baldness was a disfigurement of which he was deeply ashamed, 701 00:40:20,160 --> 00:40:26,200 and so he chose the laurel wreath as one of the things he had a right to wear, and wore it all the time. 702 00:40:26,200 --> 00:40:29,760 "The laurel wreath is going to do wonders for you, Julius... 703 00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:33,920 "What it's going to do is take attention away from your baldness. 704 00:40:33,920 --> 00:40:37,120 "Now, they come in a variety of colours and styles - 705 00:40:37,120 --> 00:40:40,160 "we're going to start your off with a very simple, traditional one." 706 00:40:40,160 --> 00:40:44,200 He was also supposed to have invented the comb-over, cos Suetonius... 707 00:40:44,200 --> 00:40:46,360 He invented the comb-over?! LAUGHTER 708 00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:50,800 I shall quote you Suetonius in translation. "He used to comb forward the scanty locks 709 00:40:50,800 --> 00:40:54,200 "from the crown of his head, and of all the honours voted for him 710 00:40:54,200 --> 00:40:56,880 "by the Senate and people, none did he receive more gladly 711 00:40:56,880 --> 00:40:59,680 "than the privilege of wearing a laurel wreath at all times." 712 00:40:59,680 --> 00:41:03,600 He must have looked like a '60s footballer who'd come through a hedge! 713 00:41:03,600 --> 00:41:04,920 LAUGHTER 714 00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:09,320 It would be like leaving your Christmas cracker hat on all year. 715 00:41:09,320 --> 00:41:10,520 LAUGHTER 716 00:41:10,520 --> 00:41:15,080 So, with that display of general incompetence, we reach the end of recorded history. 717 00:41:15,080 --> 00:41:17,880 All that remains to see is who has learnt its lessons, 718 00:41:17,880 --> 00:41:23,160 and who is condemned to repeat its mistakes endlessly...on Dave. 719 00:41:23,160 --> 00:41:24,520 LAUGHTER 720 00:41:24,520 --> 00:41:26,320 And taking their place in history tonight 721 00:41:26,320 --> 00:41:29,280 with a magnificent plus 2 points 722 00:41:29,280 --> 00:41:31,880 is Rob Brydon! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 723 00:41:35,720 --> 00:41:39,440 Happily dancing to the music of time in second place with minus 4, 724 00:41:39,440 --> 00:41:42,520 it's David Mitchell! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 725 00:41:46,800 --> 00:41:50,680 But hanging grimly on to past glories with minus 27 726 00:41:50,680 --> 00:41:53,520 is Sandi Toksvig! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 727 00:41:58,120 --> 00:42:02,120 And finally, sadly no more than a forgotten obscure footnote... 728 00:42:02,120 --> 00:42:05,120 with minus 29, Alan Davies! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 729 00:42:11,480 --> 00:42:14,040 Well! That's all from this historic edition of QI, 730 00:42:14,040 --> 00:42:16,760 so it's goodnight from Sandi, Rob, David, Alan and me. 731 00:42:16,760 --> 00:42:20,840 I leave you with Winston Churchill's remark to Stanley Baldwin in the House of Commons. 732 00:42:20,840 --> 00:42:23,840 "History will say that the right honourable gentleman was wrong," 733 00:42:23,840 --> 00:42:27,040 he remarked. "I know it will - because I shall WRITE the history." 734 00:42:27,040 --> 00:42:28,360 Goodnight. 735 00:42:28,360 --> 00:42:30,000 APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING 736 00:42:49,480 --> 00:42:51,520 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 737 00:42:51,520 --> 00:42:53,640 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk