2
00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:36,640
How do you do, how do you do, howdy,
howdy, howdy doodie, how do you do?

3
00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:38,720
Welcome to the QI zoo.

4
00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:41,880
Why is it hard to
hang on to a hagfish?

5
00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:44,080
There's a hagfish. Yes?
I know.

6
00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:47,440
It releases mucus. To defend itself.
The hagfish. It does.

7
00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:49,480
Which works in real life.

8
00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:53,320
If anybody comes at me I just sneeze
at them and they're backing off.

9
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:57,400
Have a look at a hagfish producing
slime and tell me you could produce
as much.

10
00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,480
Here's someone manipulating it.

11
00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:01,520
AUDIENCE GROANS
Eugh!

12
00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:03,560
That is producing that.

13
00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:07,400
It can turn a bucket of 20 litres
of water into slime in minutes.

14
00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:10,480
Great party piece.
Isn't it.

15
00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:14,960
I actually think... I think my
baby daughter might be a hagfish.

16
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:17,320
LAUGHTER

17
00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:24,480
That's nothing.
LAUGHTER

18
00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:30,080
To be honest with you, I've got
that on my trousers every morning.

19
00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:34,440
It also can tie itself into knots,
which is another impressive thing.

20
00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:37,240
It literally does a slip knot
or an overhand knot.

21
00:01:37,320 --> 00:01:39,240
It is quite bizarre.

22
00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:42,040
Given the choice,
if I had to have a special power,

23
00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:46,240
I'd like to be bitten by one of them,
because excreting mucus would be...

24
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:49,640
Like, Spiderman is all very well.
Do a bit of climbing and that.

25
00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:53,200
Imagine you were sat in a chair
and somebody went, "Do your thing,"

26
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,280
and you went, "Bleaugh."
LAUGHTER

27
00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:57,760
Wouldn't it be fantastic?

28
00:01:57,760 --> 00:02:01,600
If somebody tried to get you
in a headlock, you'd go, "Bleaugh."

29
00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,840
That's exactly it.
That's what it does.

30
00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:08,560
Superheroes are meant to help
people. How would you help people
with mucus?

31
00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:12,320
Spiderman helps people. How would
you help people with mucus?

32
00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:16,480
"There's a child that's got his head
in the railings. Vv-phhh."

33
00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:18,520
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

34
00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:22,800
You know, that's one.

35
00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:27,480
Or...or...
That's a good comic book story(!)

36
00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:32,240
This gravy is unnecessarily runny.
"Vv-phhh."

37
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:33,680
LAUGHTER AND GROANS

38
00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:38,000
What's the key ingredient, then,
in the world's nastiest cocktail?

39
00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:42,040
Malibu.
LAUGHTER

40
00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:44,080
KLAXON

41
00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:45,720
APPLAUSE

44
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:58,120
Why is the Child Catcher
now working as a barista?

45
00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:00,840
LAUGHTER
I suppose it's to suggest nastiness.

46
00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:04,880
It is, indeed, Sir Robert Helpmann.
We're after a nasty cocktail.

47
00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:08,040
Is it a genuine drink?
It's a genuine cocktail.

48
00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:11,440
It's served in a bar in a genuine
place in a genuine country.

49
00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:13,720
Japan. Switzerland?
Canada, Canada.

50
00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:17,280
Some sort of moose?
In the Yukon, in a mining bar.

51
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:22,360
The Downtown Hotel in Dawson City.
It's a part of a human being.

52
00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:24,360
Eye?
Toenail.

53
00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:27,000
Well, toenails is good enough.
Bogeys. It's a toe.

54
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:28,440
A toe?
A toe. Yeah.

55
00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:32,440
The sourtoe cocktail is
the specialite de la maison

56
00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:35,600
in the Downtown Hotel.
Where do they get the toe?

57
00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:38,560
Well, there's a whole story there.

58
00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:41,080
GROANS
Yeah.

59
00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:45,920
It started in the 1960s,
when a figure called
Captain Dick Stevenson,

60
00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:49,360
he'd been all kinds of things
from a male stripper to a miner

61
00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:54,000
to a lumberjack, you know the way
that men are. All the usual ones.
Exactly.

62
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:57,200
He found himself in an old cabin,
and there was a pickled toe

63
00:03:57,200 --> 00:04:01,400
that had belonged to a rum-runner
back in the prohibition days.

64
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:05,720
And for some reason he thought it
would be amusing to offer,

65
00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:08,200
as a challenge,
to put it in alcohol,

66
00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:11,680
and the idea was you drank it.
It became a very popular drink.

67
00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:14,120
You kept the toe.
It moved from glass to glass.

68
00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:17,120
The important thing was
there's a rhyme, which is key,

69
00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:19,520
"You can drink it fast,
you can drink it slow,

70
00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:21,680
"but the lips have
got to touch the toe."

71
00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:24,040
LAUGHTER
The toe has to touch.

72
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,600
Unfortunately, there was a series of
accidents.

73
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:31,240
In 1980, Gary Younger,
a local miner,
accidentally swallowed the toe.

74
00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:33,040
So they found another one.

75
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,960
This very nice lady called
Mrs Laurence of Alberta,

76
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:41,720
whose middle toe was amputated due
to an inoperable corn, donated it.

77
00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:47,560
So you're drinking a toe that
not only was amputated
but had a hideous corn on it!

78
00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:52,480
That lasted well.
I've drunk worse.

79
00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:55,400
I remember being at a party once,

80
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:58,680
no glasses, drinking Tia Maria
out of a dog bowl!

81
00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:00,720
LAUGHTER
Wow!

82
00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:02,760
No glasses. Slurp.

83
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:06,480
"That? That's...
That's chicken. It's fine."

84
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,840
It's called a sidetone.

85
00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:14,920
It's when your voice is played back
through the earpiece.

86
00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:17,520
So that it's slightly amplified.

87
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:22,800
You hear your voice back in the ear,
which you don't on mobile phones.
Except the newest ones.

88
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:26,040
You nearly did a thing that annoyed
me then. Um...

89
00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:27,480
Oh! Oh!

90
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:30,400
He gets annoyed when you've nearly
done it!

91
00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:34,800
It's a new thing I've noticed when
people pretend to talk on the phone
and they do that.

92
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:40,360
Is that getting to you?
Not that new. I know what you mean.
That's starting to get on my nerves.

93
00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:44,480
LAUGHTER
What if you do that one?

94
00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:47,440
Where you bring it down, like.
A flip phone!

95
00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:49,960
LAUGHTER
Is that all right?

96
00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:00,520
You know the, err...
I've got a touch phone.

97
00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:03,240
I've got an iPhone.
Yeah, I've got an iPhone.

98
00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:05,800
Call me!

99
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,280
I work in a call centre, look.

100
00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:11,240
Hello? D'you want double glazing?

101
00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:16,840
Since the death of Marcel Marceau,
the world of mime has gone to chaos.

102
00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:19,680
Absolute chaos. People don't know
what they're doing.

103
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,720
That was a hell of a funeral
as well, wasn't it.

104
00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:25,760
LAUGHTER

105
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:37,240
But when the...
The mad thing was, at the funeral,
they didn't use a coffin,

106
00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:39,520
they just had him like that.
LAUGHTER

107
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:48,440
Now, a lorry-load of birds are
being weighed on a weighbridge.

108
00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:53,960
At some moment, all the birds
simultaneously rise off their
perches and flap in the air.

109
00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:56,480
They're all alive?
They're all alive, yeah.

110
00:06:56,480 --> 00:07:00,440
Does the lorry weigh less when they
rise up in the air? Yes.

111
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:03,200
No.
Got a yes and a no.

112
00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:07,240
Not in contact with the thing?
So no, it would weigh less.

113
00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:09,280
Is it sealed, the lorry?

114
00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:12,040
It's closed. It's got a tailgate,
it's all locked up.

115
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:14,640
They're inside the lorry.
You can't see them.

116
00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:17,760
Wouldn't there be pressure
from the air? Yeah.

117
00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:20,080
It weighs the same.
Yes.

118
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:24,240
It's something very similar to
if you weigh yourself,
then you do a number two

119
00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:28,760
and weigh yourself again, you don't
lose the weight of the number two.

120
00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:30,320
LAUGHTER

121
00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:33,240
There we're in
a slightly different territory.

122
00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:37,600
If you will crap on the scales, yes!

123
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:41,040
APPLAUSE

124
00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:45,240
You're right. The answer
is not to poo on the scales.

125
00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:46,480
No! No!

126
00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:50,040
Leave the scales, do the number two,
go back to the scales.

127
00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:53,000
Seriously? You don't lose...
Of course you do!

128
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:55,360
The money I've wasted on enemas.
No, no!

129
00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:59,440
No, it doesn't, it weighs the same,
and I can't remember the reason why.

130
00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:00,920
I know this.

131
00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:03,760
So they all lift off at
exactly the same time?

132
00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:07,640
It's the bird, the bird... Lorry
system. It's there in the...

133
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:10,400
I know it's weird, but...
Is it sealed?

134
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:12,240
Is it to do with it being sealed?

135
00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:15,320
If you're carrying a bowling ball
and you're on the scales,

136
00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:19,400
and then you throw the bowling ball
in the air... It would kill you.

137
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:22,600
Because it's sealed.
And the air's moving. Exactly.

138
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:24,960
You and the air have
created that weight.

139
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:27,880
Wherever the birds put themselves,
it weighs the same.

140
00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:31,080
But the interesting question,
and you're absolutely right.

141
00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:33,000
Don't pass it off that easily!

142
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,840
The interesting question is
if it's an open-top lorry,

143
00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:40,080
and they're sitting on the perch
and they jump up and they
jump slightly higher.

144
00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:44,600
Then they're no longer part
of the lorry-bird system.
Then it would be lighter.

145
00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:48,160
Where does the phrase "there isn't
room to swing a cat" come from?

146
00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:53,480
Cat swinging. Cat o' nine tails.
Cat o' nine tails? No, oddly enough.

147
00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:55,720
It's the kind of thing people
think it is.

148
00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:58,240
It's when they flogged people with
an actual cat.

149
00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:00,920
The phrase is older than
the cat o' nine tails.

150
00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:05,440
It literally means what it says.
It's a folk expression,
meaning to swing a cat round.

151
00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:09,320
The first use of cat o' nine tails
is 1695 in the English language,

152
00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:15,240
and at least 40 years earlier than
that, there are references to not
being able to swing a cat.

153
00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:18,240
So disappointing
when you find that out.

154
00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:21,600
Meo-o-ow!
Do you know where
the "whole nine yards" comes from?

155
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,600
The whole nine yards?
Meow! Boof!

156
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:26,160
Alan's doing cat sounds.
An American term?

157
00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:28,800
Yeah, but how would you swing it,
though?

158
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:32,120
There's that way,
but then there's also that way.

159
00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:34,440
LAUGHTER
Round and round.

160
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:37,840
One thinks by the tail,
definitely, whatever.

161
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:41,440
Do you get a big, loopy swing?
Or do you get some speed up?

162
00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:48,000
It'd be nice to find a room
where there was enough room
to swing a cat in. Just.

163
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:51,600
So the cat's constantly just going,
"Ah! Whoosh!"

164
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:54,280
By a whisker!
By a whisker.

165
00:09:55,920 --> 00:10:00,200
How would you use one of these
to save someone from drowning?

166
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:04,440
I've got one here.
I have to put gloves on
because it's a delicate instrument.

167
00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:05,920
I'm not allowed to touch it.

168
00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:08,560
It's been lent to us by
the Wellcome Collection,

169
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:11,200
one of the best medical collections
in the world.

170
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,760
He could save himself by,
for example, swimming.

171
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:16,640
Yeah, but...
Rather than going, "Aaah."

172
00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:21,400
Let's imagine somebody had landed on
a beach, almost dead from drowning,

173
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:23,880
and you have one of these.
Is it a bellows?

174
00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:25,920
It is a bellows, a set of bellows.

175
00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:28,760
Pump air into his lungs. Easy.
You'd think that. No.

176
00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:31,560
Up his bum.
Are we saving him from drowning?

177
00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:36,040
Alan. Alan, repeat what you said.
Up his bum. Yes.

178
00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:38,760
Up the bottom, but it's not air.
There's more to it.

179
00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:41,280
Is it spit? Is it air?
Brandy!

180
00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:45,800
You unscrew that...tobacco in.
Are you ordering?

181
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:51,040
You put tobacco in and light it.
Blow smoke up his arse!
Up the bottom?

182
00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:53,920
Basically, if you're trying to
resuscitate someone,

183
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:58,440
and it's not like someone
once wrote it might be a good idea
and so we've seized on it.

184
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:01,320
This was general,
mainstream medical belief.

185
00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:04,680
And these were hung up
all along the Thames.

186
00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:07,560
On the embankment and
on canals and waterways.

187
00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:12,360
People were expected to know,
as you might be expected to know
where a fire extinguisher was,

188
00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:13,800
where the bellows were.

189
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:17,280
You fill that with tobacco and,
presumably, you puff it like a pipe,

190
00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:19,880
having washed it from
its previous use.

191
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:26,880
And then, "Phht, phht." Like that.
So it'd be next to the life ring.

192
00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:30,120
You throw the ring and drag them in.
I know it seems bonkers.

193
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:33,840
What happened, apparently -
there's an example.

194
00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:35,880
LAUGHTER

195
00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:39,480
This is before this was invented,
and you needed someone with a pipe.

196
00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:41,120
"Blow, man. For God's sake!"

197
00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:43,800
"Is it sucking or blowing?
I can't remember."

198
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,680
LAUGHTER

199
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:50,760
"I think it's blowing, is it?"
"I don't know."
"Be sure! He's drowning!"

200
00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:52,600
"I'll do both. I'll suck first."

201
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:57,880
Is it the shock of the sensation
of having smoke blown up your arse

202
00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:01,240
that makes you splutter
back into life? Who knows.

203
00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:03,840
Apparently, in the 18th century,
the late 1700s,

204
00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:08,080
a woman was found drowning
and apparently almost dead,

205
00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:13,080
people tried the normal things,
and someone suggested
blowing smoke up her arse.

206
00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:14,720
It seemed to work!

207
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:19,280
There was a point when they went,
"Kiss of life? Just wait a second.

208
00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,560
"Hand me that pipe!"
LAUGHTER

209
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:24,760
It would've been a beautiful sight,

210
00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:30,160
when you've blown the smoke up there,
and the person splutters back to life
and then takes off,

211
00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:32,160
with the smoke coming out!

212
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:34,480
"Look at the speed they're going at!"

213
00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:39,080
Bloke on the left looks like he's
going to rob his trousers if he
doesn't come round.

214
00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:42,360
There's always a villain
in 18th-century London.
He's generating smoke.

215
00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:45,120
They didn't have an all-in-one
device like this.

216
00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:49,760
The one on the right has the pipe.
Christ. He has to French-kiss
the bloke in the hat.

217
00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:53,000
This has nothing to do
with saving a drowning man!

218
00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:57,280
Perversions of old London.
I think we've got another picture.

219
00:12:57,280 --> 00:13:00,000
I hope it's real people this time.
There you are.

220
00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:02,960
LAUGHTER
He's not drowning!

221
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:06,040
No, well he's...
He's just in the pub!
He's just in the pub.

222
00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:09,360
It's just that scene from
Pulp Fiction.

223
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:16,680
This is bad, because it means,
at any point, people could say,
"I think I might be drowning."

224
00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:21,960
Also, as if that's bad enough, as if
that doesn't look wrong enough,

225
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:26,360
the bloke in the background went,
"I think I'll get my donkey
in on this."

226
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:32,920
Oh! When you said,
"Blow smoke up my ass..."

227
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:36,040
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

228
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,240
Oh, dear.

229
00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:41,840
I know. What a strange world
we lived in.

230
00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:44,880
That was mainstream medical science.
GAGGING

231
00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:47,400
That's got stuck in my throat, that!

232
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:50,040
The bellows!

233
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:57,480
I went hunting with an Amazonian
tribe, with curare-tipped darts.

234
00:13:57,480 --> 00:13:59,400
It was a great experience.

235
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:03,880
It was the Matis people
in the Amazon, in the Upper Amazon.

236
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:08,920
They sort of... They're huge,
these blowpipes they use.

237
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:15,000
The darts are very, very long
and beautifully flighted
with the fur of monkeys on the end.

238
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:17,480
And they just... Phht!
And they'd blow them up.

239
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:19,520
The thing is,
they go a huge distance.

240
00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:24,680
They go right to the top
of the jungle canopy. Really?
They go an enormous distance.

241
00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:26,840
He said,
"Do you want to have a go at it?"

242
00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:29,240
I said, "Yes, of course!" Yes!

243
00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:32,600
You went, "Phut."

244
00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:35,240
He said, "You've got to aim
at the monkey."

245
00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:38,120
There's a spider monkey,
a howler monkey, on the tree.

246
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:41,120
He said, "Go for it."
And I went like that, phht.

247
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:45,600
And instead of going at the monkey,
it went vertically up in the air.

248
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:49,160
All the tribes, they just scattered.
LAUGHTER

249
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:50,240
Wow!

250
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:54,760
I went like this, I went, "Phht"
and they all went, "Aaah!"

251
00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:58,680
Standing there going, "What? What?"
and one of them went, "Get out!"

252
00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:00,600
Because it would kill you?
It would.

253
00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:04,640
What's the best way to hypnotise
either A - an alligator,

254
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:07,920
B - a tiger shark,
or C - a chicken?

255
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,800
I've seen them do it to sharks.
What do they do?

256
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:14,320
Don't they lie them on their backs
or something?

257
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:17,280
Exactly right.
You flip it over and it goes...

258
00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:22,040
But I thought that if sharks have
to keep moving in order to survive.

259
00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:23,280
That's right.

260
00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:28,680
Which is why whales have learnt to
tip them over in order to make them
suffocate. It will kill them.

261
00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:32,080
There's a very small
hammerhead shark.

262
00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:34,120
That is a toy shark.
LAUGHTER

263
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:38,120
Or a really big diver.
LAUGHTER

264
00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:42,240
A frighteningly big diver!

265
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:44,200
I think we'd have heard of him.

266
00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:47,280
BUZZER

267
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,560
I think I know how you do chickens.

268
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:55,280
It's weird, because it actually
looks like you're oppressing
them violently.

269
00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:58,080
You have to hold them to the ground
and draw a line.

270
00:15:58,080 --> 00:16:03,400
Yes. You draw a line from their beak
along, and they just stare at it.

271
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:07,640
That's what they do.

272
00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:10,480
But they're not hypnotised,
they're just...

273
00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:14,080
They're wondering, "What's that
prat doing scribbling on my beak?"

274
00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:18,680
It's called tonic immobility in
animals. That is the example.

275
00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:21,280
There's another way
of doing it with chickens.

276
00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:24,120
You take a stick or a paddle,
this is a light flagellation paddle

277
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:26,360
I happened to have in the house.

278
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:31,280
You fix eyes to it and hold it up to
it and it'll stare at it forever.

279
00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:35,520
Our producer tried it on his -
we're the kind of show whose
producers have chickens,

280
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:36,720
that's how cool we are.

281
00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:40,440
He said it didn't work at all.
They went off to eat things.

282
00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:42,320
You just made that up, didn't you?

283
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:46,440
No, no. It's in all the books.
It says that is a way
to hypnotise them.

284
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:51,080
In all of the books? In all of
the chicken hypnotising books?

285
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:53,280
All of them? How many are there?

286
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:58,000
Which is why you can't ever let your
chickens watch the Muppets.

287
00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:05,400
How would you use one of these
to calm a horse down?

288
00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:10,560
Oh, now. Yeah. Calm it down?
LAUGHTER

289
00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:15,800
What I'm thinking of is not going to
calm it down!

290
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:21,080
Have they been used?
If they're what I think they are,
I don't want to touch it.

291
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:24,600
It'll only have been on a horse.
Is it over its nose?

292
00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:26,320
It's that big.

293
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:29,760
On the tail?
You fire an arrow at the horse.

294
00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:34,080
Well, the points have gone to Alan.
Tastes weird.

295
00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:37,040
Alan's identified where it goes.
Not the full points.

296
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:39,960
BUZZER
Yes, Claire?

297
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,840
It's a twitch.
It's a twitch. She knows, you know.

298
00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:45,840
Of course she knows,
she's Claire Balding!

299
00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:48,280
She's here expressly...

300
00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:52,200
I couldn't let Alan get more.
I thought I'd give him a go
and he's nearly right.

301
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:56,040
Yes. Imagine you have
to give medication...

302
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:58,720
Are these... Here, I'll do...
Chweep. Twin-ng!

303
00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:01,120
LAUGHTER
This isn't calming me.

304
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:04,200
Is this Whose Line Is It Anyway?
from about ten years ago?

305
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:09,000
Imagine you're giving
a horse medication.

306
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,040
They're very nervous animals.

307
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:14,560
They don't like being fiddled around
with any more than anyone else.

308
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:21,160
When they're uncomfortable, they can
hurt themselves as much as they can
hurt a vet or anyone attending them.

309
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:24,240
They strike out, so you need
to calm a horse down.

310
00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:28,400
There's a very magical thing
about horses. It's most peculiar.

311
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:29,880
What is it, Claire?

312
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:33,720
If you take their top lip... You can
do it with your hands or rope.

313
00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:37,280
To me it looks a little bit severe,
I've never seen one quite like this.

314
00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:40,080
You take their top lip
and they won't move.

315
00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:43,360
They just go into a state of almost
trance-like...

316
00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:46,160
It's a bit like
the rabbit in the headlights freeze.

317
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,400
It makes them go completely - phhh.

318
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:52,280
Yeah, like that.
Then you can administer. That's it.

319
00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:55,200
Alan is a horse.
LAUGHTER

320
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:02,440
Give me the drugs now, the drugs.
You don't need them now.
You can sing at the same time.

321
00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:05,480
With some, if you take their ear
and it has the same effect.

322
00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:07,520
How did they find that out?

323
00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:10,000
There's been a lot of
experimentation going on.

324
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:13,480
"I suppose we'll try... That went
badly. Let's try the lip now."

325
00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:19,360
It was thought originally that it
was almost some kind of distraction,

326
00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:22,920
and that if you did that it couldn't
concentrate on something else.

327
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:28,040
It was discovered
that it releases endorphins
and just gets blissed out.

328
00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:32,040
It's rather nice to know,
because it looks a bit cruel.

329
00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:34,800
LAUGHTER
I'm fine. I'm fine.

330
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:40,080
What is the roundest thing
in the universe?

331
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:45,720
No, just saying.
Oh, no, Phil!

332
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:48,480
Is it a black hole?

333
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,840
It's that kind of a deal.

334
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:56,360
When a supernova has a gravitational
collapse, it turns into something
called a neutron star.

335
00:19:56,360 --> 00:20:01,200
Ah, the neutron star!
They're really round.

336
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,360
That's not round!

337
00:20:04,360 --> 00:20:08,360
That's a supernova, I think.
That's a supernova going supernova.

338
00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:10,800
Show us the round thing!

339
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:12,400
The rec...
STEPHEN LAUGHS

340
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:18,200
You're very upset, aren't you?
Yes!

341
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:20,720
It only has a diameter
of 15 miles or so.

342
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,520
There isn't one near enough for you
to see with the eye.

343
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:27,280
Have you ever noticed how we always
have to take Stephen's word for it?

344
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:31,400
What's interesting is if I had
a thimbleful of a neutron star,

345
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:33,960
it would weigh more than a mountain.

346
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:37,040
Yeah, but you don't!

347
00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:41,560
I tell you what,
imagine how confused the old woman
darning your socks would be

348
00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:45,000
if you had a thimble full of it
and she was trying to fix a hole.

349
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:49,240
And the were, "Phoomph!" Space
and time coming out of a thimble.

350
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:51,680
That's no way to treat the elderly.

351
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:57,200
When you've got a good cleaning
lady, you want to hang onto them.

352
00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:02,400
"I'm leaving, Mr Dee." "Why?"
"Because of this space business
with your thimble. I don't like it."

353
00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:08,360
Could you give us your impression
of the average WWII British...

354
00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:09,840
LAUGHTER

355
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:13,680
Oh, dear. The average
British WWII fighter pilot.

356
00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:16,800
You look hilarious on the end.
LAUGHTER

357
00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:21,960
That is a character! I'm going to...

358
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:26,240
Someone has got to write a sitcom
around David Mitchell's character.

359
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:33,320
You look like you're posing with
a successful novelty air force team,

360
00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:37,520
and you've just agreed to have your
photograph taken with them for
your birthday.

361
00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:41,640
I know you're not, but if they'd
invented Gaydar instead of radar...

362
00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:45,800
I'm sorry to say,
that would mark high.

363
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:52,760
"I'm ordering these helmets
for my wife's birthday."

364
00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:58,320
In this war film, I think I die
about two thirds of the way through.

365
00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:02,280
Breaks the heart of the audience
and inspires the hero.

366
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:05,840
Everyone kills a load of Germans
as revenge for my death.

367
00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:09,840
And I'm the old WWI hero with a
gammy leg who watches them come back

368
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:12,440
and cries because...
I don't think Alan dies.

369
00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:15,000
I think you make it through.
I think I die.

370
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:18,720
You think I'm going to live,
and then right near the end, I die.

371
00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:21,960
Like Von Ryan's Express as
I'm running towards the train.

372
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:24,000
I get shot at the end.
Right.

373
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:27,120
I'm the plucky woman who was just
supposed to do the radio

374
00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:29,360
that's been forced
to fly one of the planes.

375
00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:32,880
You look as if you could do it.
You've got your sergeant stripes.

376
00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:35,080
How do the pilots talk?
That's the thing.

377
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:38,920
(NASAL VOICE) Red leader, red leader.

378
00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:44,600
We've got a lovely team today
who will be furnishing you
with the easy kiosk...

379
00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:50,880
Scratch cards, Minstrels. Like that.

380
00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:53,040
Clean up in aisle three.
LAUGHTER

381
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:56,040
What sort of people were they?
That's what it comes down to.

382
00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:59,680
What sort of people? Quite posh.
KLAXON

383
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:04,320
I think you'll find you're wrong.

384
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:10,400
They so weren't. 30% of all fighter
pilots in the Battle of Britain
went to public school.

385
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:14,040
In fact, of that 30%, they were
mostly minor public schools,

386
00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:18,120
and of the Eton, Harrow and
Winchester, the top 13, only 8%.

387
00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:20,240
The actors that played
them were posh.

388
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:21,600
That's the point.

389
00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:24,320
In the war films during and after
the war,

390
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:27,080
Kenneth Moore and David Niven
and so on, they spoke like that.

391
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:31,160
Did the Germans know we were sending
out the lower classes?

392
00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:37,240
(GERMAN ACCENT) Someone who has got
no manners whatsoever!

393
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:39,720
APPLAUSE

394
00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:49,720
The first time I did scuba diving,
I made a basic error.

395
00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:53,040
You know you have a big lead weight
belt and a big buoyancy jacket,

396
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:57,160
lovely floaty, floaty buoyancy
jacket, very heavy lead weight.

397
00:23:57,160 --> 00:23:59,320
Which one should you take off first?

398
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:01,560
LAUGHTER

399
00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:03,680
So I took the buoyancy jacket off,

400
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:07,080
handed it to the bloke, and...
SPLUTTERS

401
00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:11,880
He just grabbed my hand. I went,
"Whoa!"

402
00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:14,840
I thought I could die,
but I was laughing.

403
00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:17,360
"Oh, what am I like?
Oh, I'm dying."

404
00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:21,960
Wouldn't it be awful if your last
words were, "What am I like?"

405
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:29,640
From testing spells, you'll
like this, to spelling tests.

406
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:31,040
GROANS

407
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:34,440
I before E, fingers on buzzers,
excepting after?

408
00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:36,120
BUZZER
C.

409
00:24:36,120 --> 00:24:38,080
KLAXON

410
00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:42,440
No. That just isn't the rule.
Why isn't it the rule?

411
00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:46,880
Because of words...
Words where it's not.

412
00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:49,040
When E comes before I after C.

413
00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:52,880
There are more exceptions to
the rule than the rule itself,
by quite a long way.

414
00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:56,680
Ceiling. Is "ceiling" one?
They've been counted.
Would you like to know?

415
00:24:56,680 --> 00:25:02,240
Yeah. Err... Yeah.
There are 923 English words
that have a C-I-E in them.

416
00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:05,560
Do we have to name them all?
No.

417
00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:08,440
Name some.
Ceiling.

418
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:09,960
No. That's C-E-I.

419
00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:16,080
C-E-I is what you said.
No.

420
00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:20,320
The rule is, the supposed rule is...
I before E, except after C.

421
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:24,440
I'm saying, in fact, there are 923
which break that rule.

422
00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:27,400
Receive. Receipt.
I before E, except after C?

423
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:31,560
We're looking for words where E
follows C, aren't we? No.

424
00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:34,480
No. The rule is,
it should be C-E-I.

425
00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:38,160
According to that.
Oh, you're saying it's wrong!

426
00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:39,880
There are 923...

427
00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:42,600
I know one which it isn't. Ceiling.
That's not one.

428
00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:43,680
No!

429
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:45,480
"Ceiling" isn't one. No!

430
00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:47,760
"Ceiling" isn't one of the ones
you're looking for.

431
00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:50,480
Yes. I want the ones
I am looking for. That's right.

432
00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:51,560
So I repeat - not "ceiling".

433
00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:55,480
I'm looking for the ones I'm
looking for. So give me a C-I-E.

434
00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:57,120
Ceiling?

435
00:25:57,120 --> 00:25:59,720
God... I may explode at any minute.

436
00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:01,880
C-I-E. Um...

437
00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:05,000
"Receipt" is CIE. Those are
the ones that conform to the rule.

438
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:08,360
The rule is looking
pretty good right now.

439
00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:10,400
Glacier. Species.

440
00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:13,720
Yes. But now I know them,
and I didn't think I knew any.

441
00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:15,840
Yes. The point is there
are lots and lots.

442
00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:19,360
These are ones with E-I
without the C in front, obviously,

443
00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:20,840
as well as the C-I-E. Congierge.

444
00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:22,800
Oh, you don't even have to
have a C in it now!

445
00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:26,560
No! They're E-I! Are you
incapable of rational thought?!

446
00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:31,040
Are you...
You cannot be that stupid!

447
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:32,600
You cannot be that...

448
00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:36,920
Can I just say, you really
are going to have to work
on your Bruce Forsyth patter.

449
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:41,080
MIMICS BRUCE FORSYTH: "Are you really
capable of rational thought?!

450
00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:44,800
"I tell you! Are you a human being?
I don't think you are."

451
00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:47,320
No. But work it out.

452
00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:50,360
These words don't count. They're
not even English words. Well...

453
00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:53,480
You can't have "hacienda"
and "congierge". The point is

454
00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:57,240
there are 21 times as many words
that break the rule than don't.

455
00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:59,480
However, if you want
to spell "ceiling"...

456
00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:01,880
If you want to spell "ceiling"...
Or "receipt".

457
00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:08,560
Or "conceit" or "deceit". But if you
want to spell "veil" and "weird"...

458
00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:10,920
Yeah, but there's no C in them.

459
00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:14,840
It's I before E, every time,
except after C.

460
00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:18,800
But in "weir"... That's the point!

461
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:19,840
Oh, I see!

462
00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:21,440
APPLAUSE

463
00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:24,360
You cannot be that stupid!

464
00:27:24,360 --> 00:27:26,760
He said it, and you're looking at me!

465
00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:29,840
Why do I get the blame
for his stupidity?!

466
00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:31,480
I've got my own, thank you!

467
00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:33,800
Wow.

468
00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:36,840
Daniel, you're the only person
who isn't a complete idiot.

469
00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:38,160
No!

470
00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:39,320
It's become clear.

471
00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:44,240
No, I assure you, I am...
"Stephen" begins with S...

472
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:47,040
What about my surname?
Am I spelling that right?

473
00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:51,120
There's an I and an E in that.
It's I before E always.

474
00:27:51,120 --> 00:27:53,400
According to the rule.

475
00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:55,760
But the rule's wrong, Stephen!
Yes, the rule is wrong.

476
00:27:55,760 --> 00:27:58,360
The rule is officially no longer
taught in schools

477
00:27:58,360 --> 00:28:01,600
because it is so clear. Oh, really?
Is it not at all taught any more?

478
00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:06,040
The rule now is it's I before E,
but sometimes it's E before I.

479
00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:09,240
Mostly after C, it's I-E.

480
00:28:09,240 --> 00:28:11,760
If in doubt, look it up,
you lazy git.

481
00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:15,240
I before E except
for the following 923. Yes.

482
00:28:15,240 --> 00:28:17,920
And then you reel them all off.

483
00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:20,280
Thank God for spell check.

484
00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:22,080
Ceiling.